Infidelity: The Real Reason as to Why Humans Stray Sex is the ultimate reason why humans are on this

earth. Humans have descended from their ancestors who procreated and brought upon life. Sex is a fundamental part of everything that happens and plays a key role in the family concept today. Despite the generalities of sex, there is just more to this concept than meets the eye (or the genitals if being specific). Humans view sex in a variety of different ways and have mixed feelings as to why sex is important in the relationship and the role of sex in procreation and marriage. The traditional sense of a relationship is monogamy and this can be a key reason as to why people stay with one person and procreate with them or rather stray away from the concept of being with one person for the rest of their lives. This topic of infidelity and monogamy is very intriguing to research for myself because cheating and affairs are usually a privatized matter that people try to keep behind closed doors. Researching these topics gave me the opportunity to open those doors and find out really why infidelity happens and what happens after it occurs. Society would not be what it is today if not for a few key things such as monogamy and the nuclear family. Monogamy though is really just a social construct, forming the way everyone thinks about love, sex and relationships. Most view monogamy in different means as well, creating a continuing battle of really what monogamy is and why humans have such a tough time fitting into the norms of this construct. The basic structure of the nuclear family or even a family of any sort would be the mother, father and children. Whether or not this is what everyone views as a family varies; however, this structure can often be conforming and cause things like infidelity and extra marital affairs. This paper will delve into the constructs of monogamy, why people stray away from the monogamous social norm, what happens and why do affairs happen, and causes and effects when humans become adulterous.

Since monogamy is the core center to creating infidelity as well as adultery it may be wise to truly figure out what exactly monogamy is. According to Anthropologist Helen Fisher, monogamy is a term that is definitely misused especially the oxford dictionarys version which is the condition, rule or custom of being married to only one person at a time (Fisher 1992: 63). This definition is a problem though because it does not suggest that the two people in this monogamy are actually sexually faithful to one another. Monogamy and fidelity are not synonymous terms with each other and many people do not realize this (Fisher 1992: 63). This is why monogamy and adultery are two terms that are usually mentioned in the same sentence and are ultimately related concepts despite their opposition to one another. When something goes wrong with a monogamous relationship, affairs unfortunately usually occur as in adultery can be the effect to a tightly wound monogamous relationship. This is a cause and effect pattern for monogamy and adultery. Infidelity is the dark side of monogamy, being that when a couple does not work out infidelity creeps in and can ruin their relationship. Infidelity, in essence, is being unfaithful to the monogamous relationship or engaging in extramarital sex (Fisher 1992: 65). Basically infidelity and adultery go hand in hand and they become the ultimate elephant in the room with monogamous couples. Many scholars associate monogamy with infidelity, in fact the two are almost always mentioned simultaneously. Not everyone believes in monogamy but, everyone is aware of the capability of lying and betrayal and most of all risking fidelity (Adams 2004: 3). Despite this fact monogamy is natural for humans, being that humans are known for their capability to pair bonding with someone else (Fisher 1992: 72). Monogamy can ultimately create infidelity in this context. Infidelity linked with the term monogamy is such a problem because humans take being mated with one other person for granted. The thought of always having

someone be there for you is something that is taken advantage of and once that disappears it is known that people cling to the next best hopeful thing. To date, fall in love and to form a pair bond with another human being is natural and this is a key component in why humans actually become sexually unfaithful to this promise. Infidelity in essence is committed by promiscuous people but promiscuity is found in all humans. Without that curiosity kills the cat syndrome infidelity may not exist. Marriage is seen as a commitment by two people. Traditionally marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman that requires two promises, one is that they will love each other for as long as they both shall live, which is the vow that they are permanently theirs, and the other promise is that they will love only each other and no one else (Wolfe 1975: 50). These promises and even commitment of marriage can be a bit constricting. After a long period of being married to the same person, feelings of distance and being exclusive with that one person begin to make the person feel the need to stray. In Western culture, there are many positive images about marriage; however things like the bachelor/bachelorette parties create a negative image of being imprisoned by marriage being that they are the one last hurrah before getting married (Duncombe 2004: 3). This is very true because there are many books and articles out in the media showing how to spice up the marriage after so many years of being together. There is a belief that the sole purpose of the marriage institution is to control sexual partnering (Duncombe 2004: 3). This is very believable because one gets married because that is the person that they chose to reproduce and procreate with. This is also the thought of the Pair Bonding theory proposed by Helen Fisher. Two human beings meet, mate and create a bond to survive and ultimately reproduce (Fisher 1992: 10). This keeps a sole person to have sex with for the rest of their lives. This is not the natural theory according to the Freudian model. The Freudian

model makes adultery and extramarital affairs seem normal by stating that the desire for extramarital sex is actually normal because extramarital lust is what our id craves and that we as humans needs to work with the id to curb the craving (Duncombe 2004:3). Overall, what no one realizes is that our id is really calling for extramarital sex. The negative images of being married ultimately give a great so called edge to being in an affair. Affairs provide that spice that a couple may have lost. Extramarital sex can also contain and expand moments of passion and pure joy from having months of unhappiness and being miserable (Duncombe 2004: 5). Whatever the right theory about the actual reasoning of why affairs are caused varies but, the truth is that affairs do happen and are creating a trail of issues behind the strewn clothes and rumpled sheets. In Italy, the culture of the Italian people is a very interesting one dealing with infidelity. Family is the first and foremost important aspect of Italian life. During a young womans life, she is protected by her family from dating and sex as to not be tainted before getting married. Young teen boys pry on tourists to find their sexual ways but, as they become middle aged they begin to settle down. As these men begin to settle down however, they have extramarital affairs with the local village women. As opposed to rules of sexual infidelity, having an affair is actually an exception in this culture (Fisher 1992: 50). Men are expected to have extramarital affairs but they are not allowed to speak of them. Some of these affairs are short and some long. The longest of them all though are usually those between men and women who are also married to others. These are proven to last several years or even a lifetime. Gossip about these affairs in these villages is unacceptable because it brings shame to the family. Men are not allowed to and will not speak of their interest in other women for the sake of their family. This is a culture in which

extramarital affairs are pretty much encouraged and they obviously work being that the family stays together. In Western culture or in the United States adultery first became associated with that of being a sin. Christian religion taught that adultery was overall something that someone in a marriage just did not do. One of the Ten Commandments is thou shall not commit adultery and God said sex within marriage is blessed, celebrated and holy (Fisher 1992: 81). Overall, the beginning attitudes towards extra martial sex in the United States were very rigid. As time progressed, adultery still had very strict beliefs but people began to realize and believe that it was better to remarry someone else than have an affair. Today in the United States infidelity has a different look to it. The national bestseller The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex explains very fully the concerns of Americans about sex and sexually related topics. Within this book, many Americans write to the Kinsey Institute about infidelity and cheating. Scholars June M. Reinisch and Ruth Beasley begin this informative book by showing the results of a sex survey that was given to the general public in America. One of the questions in this survey was Out of every ten married American men, how many would you estimate have had an extramarital affair---that is, have been sexually unfaithful to their wives? and the correct answer was three to four out of ten so thirty or forty percent (Reinisch 7). Seventy five percent of the people who answered this question answered incorrectly. It is shocking to think that so many extramarital affairs are occurring but people are still blindsided to the fact that they do happen. This survey was taken in the year 1990 so today the results might be a little higher. This survey just goes to show that even though the act of adultery is seen as a sin, people still ignore their religious or moral beliefs and commit adultery instead. This is the concept of choosing the right versus the wrong thing to do.

In most of the research done on infidelity and extramarital affairs the debate of the double standard appears frequently. The double standard is that question that poses who tends to cheat more, the man or the woman? The double standard also addresses the fact that women cheat as much or more as men. This question will never be able to be fully answered being that everyone is different in their attitudes and morals but the double standard for men and women has arisen and needs to be addressed. This double standard mainly started in agricultural or farming societies. In these societies the male was viewed as the bread winner and bearer of the so called family seed where it was the males responsibility to reproduce and pass on his genes (Fisher 1992: 79). In some cultures such as the United States or Western culture men and women are equally responsible to be faithful to one another and this is the same in India that men are supposed to be faithful to their wives (Fisher 1992: 79). However, in many cultures throughout Asia this is not the case. In China, the law is that a man can only have a single legal wife and because of these husbands were encouraged to have extramarital affairs or concubines. Affairs and illegal wives have gone so far as to the husbands providing private housing, gifts and attention to their concubines that the wife did not receive (Fisher 1992: 79). The only way in Chinese culture that adultery was literally considered its full definition was when a traditional Chinese man slept with another mans wife. This was an extreme taboo in Chinese society. These so called lawbreakers could be subject to being burned to death in traditional Chinese society (Fisher 1992: 79). This society also implies that women had no room for adultery whatsoever. From an evolutionary perspective it makes perfect sense why men would want to cheat or have extramarital affairs. It is all about contribution of his genes to society. If a man has multiple children with one woman then he has already passed his genes on into society but, if he has

children with more than one wife then he has doubled his contribution to the next generation of children (Fisher 1992: 87). This is where the double standard comes into play. Men have a biological and evolutionary reason for philandering so why do females feel the urge to cheat? In the traditional hunter-gather society the !Kung of the Kalahari Desert, lies some reasons as to why women should have extramarital affairs. In this type of society there is much work to be done by the woman and by engaging in many affairs with different lovers the woman will always be taken care of in the sense of someone providing food, shelter and other luxuries no matter where she goes (Fisher 1992: 90). By having many lovers, the !Kung woman no longer has to worry where her next meal is coming from no matter what location she is in. In addition to being taken care of, !Kung women also have extramarital lovers in order to ensure that each child would be different from the first and that would increase the offsprings likelihood of surviving environmental surroundings (Fisher 1992: 91). All in all, for the !Kung women extra lovers means survival and stronger offspring. Cross culturally though women have just as much of a right as men do to have and enjoy sex. Whether that sex is within the marriage or outside the marriage is irrelevant in the sense that there should not be a double standard that men can enjoy sex and talk about it and women cannot. Sex is now being viewed more as a physical need of the woman as well as the man and this plays a key role in breaking the double standard (Kapur 1970: 219). Women have the same sexual and physical needs as men do. There is a more increasing view also that a married woman is allowed to have a sexual relationship outside of the marriage if the husband refuses to have sex with her or if he is unable to satisfy her sexually (Kapur 1970: 219). This raises a good point because women should not have to suffer if they are not pleased by their partner. All in all, women do philander just as much as men do. Women have the same biological factors

controlling infidelity. It is important for women to be able to acquire resources and to have the best and varied DNA for their offspring (Fisher 1992: 93). The causes and effects though for men and women vary for the need for infidelity in marriage. As with all social problems there are many causes and effects to infidelity. Even though infidelity is definitely a person to person or couple to couple problem there are still generalized reasons as to why adultery happens. Some of the questions asked to the Kinsey Institute really hone in on some great causes. Women wrote about their insecurities about their spouses being truly faithful and especially about jealousy. Worrying about the spouse being unfaithful is showing the low self-esteem on the other spouses part (Reinisch 1990: 73). There are also many worries from women that if an extramarital affair occurs then all love, commitment, and trust would end in the marriage. This is not only the cause but, the single fact of having anxiety of your spouse cheating can in turn have the opposite effect and cheating has a higher likelihood of occuring. Jealously is another factor that has an extreme effect on infidelity. Jealously can make a person who is completely normal turn insane. Researchers have defined jealously as an emotion that a person experiences when a person thinks about another person that might have a threat of some sort to their relationship with their partner (Reinisch 1990: 74). Just the thought of something being a threat to a relationship can have damaging effects on that relationship. This emotion can completely turn the brain onto obsessive mode. Men and women view jealously differently. Men tend to get angry when they are jealous whereas women become depressed but men while jealous have worries about threats to their status and in women it involves direct threats to the relationship they are in (Reinisch 1990: 74). Jealously with suspecting infidelity is also the primary cause for women with domestic violence and spousal homicide (Duncombe

2004: 59). Being jealous on both the male and female part can be detrimental to the marriage especially when an affair is occurring. Lack of good communication between couples is another cause for infidelity. Communication is key to initiating affairs being that it affects the relationships of the people involved in the affairs and it affects how the affair is dealt with afterwards (Duncombe 2004: 62). While in an extramarital affair, individuals tend to want to keep the affair secret as to not want to hurt the other person. The cheating spouse is known to actively withhold information about their affair from their spouse and family alike as well as other people in their social circle (Duncombe 2004: 67). People withhold information because if everyone knows about the affair, family and friends can be lost because of this. By withholding information the adulterer is protecting themself as well as their family and even the spouse. Some people might opt to not disclose information about their affairs for two reasons. The first is it might be seen as just another notch in the belt or a type of high status that they are cheating. The second is that the individual may choose to reveal their relationship because they want their marriage to end (Duncombe 2004: 68). This is sad but, affairs do occur oftentimes because the marriage is inadequate and this is just one way to get rid of the current marriage. The one obvious reason for infidelity is lack of sexual excitement or activity. People try having an affair to rekindle the actual lack of sexual activity in their current relationship. According to the Kinsey Institute this is not a great idea. Based on a study of one-thousand couples, they said it is not a good idea to have an affair because it can destroy a marriage and it can also interfere with the intimacy of the relationship of the people who are married (Reinisch 1990: 102). Many couples do not know where to turn or are embarrassed to ask for help when the spark in their relationship dies and this causes the one or even both partners to seek sexual

excitement elsewhere. Author and previous editor of the New York Times Linda Wolfe explain as to why loss of sexual excitement can ruin a marriage in her non-fiction book Playing Around: Women and Extramarital Sex. Within this book, many women are interviewed that are in or were in extramarital affairs. These women range in age and ethnicity but many have the same problem of loss of sexual intimacy with their partner in common. One woman that was interviewed by Wolfe was a Catherine Lewyt, a mother and housewife from New Jersey who explored extramarital affairs in her thirties (Wolfe 1975: 76). Catherines husband Henry was never the going out type and he rarely did anything with her. He began to tell her to go out and have fun and so she did. She ended up having several experiences with one night stands and such but never wanted to tell her husband for fear of ending her marriage (Wolfe 1975: 76). This just goes to show that sexual excitement is so important in a relationship and if that relationship lacks this then the relationship has a very high chance of ending. Being unable to orgasm also ties in with lack of sexual excitement. Many women find that after years of marriage that they have lost their ability to orgasm with that partner and this can be detrimental. Linda Wolfe had an interview with a woman named Rita Hemp who got along with her husband very well and she loved her marriage it was just that no matter what her husband tried she just could not have an orgasm with him (Wolfe 1975: 101). This lead to an affair on her part and ultimately dissatisfaction with her own sex life in general. Both parties ability to be satisfied is what sex is all about and without satisfaction neither party really wins. Lust can play a key in role in connections between married people. According to psychologist Michael Eigen lust is an overwhelming desire, to have, to possess and to enjoy but lust can also be an excessive bodily appetite associated with vigor, life and power (Eigen 2006: 1). With this definition in mind, lust is the spark in the relationship. When lust fails to be present

in a couple then there is no key connection as why those two people are together in the first place. Lust and desire are two intertwined concepts that are complicated in the sense that without lust and desire what is the connection between the two people in the relationship. Eigen describes a relationship between a man and woman where their marriage is a so called business deal (Eigen 2006: 2). This relationship is viewed by the husband as a business deal because it is a day to day motion that is constantly the same but when he is with his lover the lust and passion are there. He desires her and the feelings that pulsate through his veins when he is with her is unlike anything he as ever experienced with his wife (Eigen 2006: 3). Lust is a component that keeps the sexual glue of the relationship still sticky. Lack of lust though can ultimately cause spouses to look elsewhere for that passion. Women and men tend to think differently about affairs. One reason for affairs posed by women is not to exit a marriage but rather to stay in it. During a survey of fourteen women in affairs, almost half of them reported that their husbands sexual unresponsiveness justified the fact that they went out and cheated every night (Kingston 2011: 1). Since men seek other women to have affairs with and then eventually leave their wives for, this has an opposite effect on the woman. It is a type of learning ability that if he is not satisfying the woman then there must be something that she is doing wrong. The affair for the woman most of the time is about what is missing from the marriage and this is why women seek extramarital sex to figure out what exactly is wrong (Kingston 2011: 1). All in all, women have it wired in their brains that they are responsible for fixing what is wrong and so affairs happen. Overall though there are many different reasons as to why infidelity happens. The reasons listed previously are just examples from research on this topic. Reasons for infidelity can range from couple to couple but the ones listed previously are the most common cross culturally. As

with most social problems there is always some type of effect or outcome from a particular situation. In this case though there are many effects of infidelity that can damage or even destroy a relationship between a husband and wife. Divorce is the most common result of infidelity. In the United States, adultery is the legal designation for extramarital affairs and is the only ground for divorce that all fifty states agree on (Edwards 1972: 217). Most couples have the reasoning that if one spouse is cheating than obviously they do not want to be with me therefore we should be divorced. Women do not always intend to end their marriages when they first turn to extramarital sex but the first intentions do not always follow through because even the slightest affairs can cause immediate changes in life situations and this includes getting divorced (Wolfe 1975: 131). Divorced linked with infidelity can be seen as the escape goat to end the marriage and move on with both of the spouses lives. Monogamy is important especially in Western culture and the view of being able to move on and start a pair bond with someone new is the goal in mind usually after a divorce. Infidelity can really hit home if the married couple has produced offspring. Children are left in the midst of the affair sort of caught in the middle of everything revolving around them. Affairs do not always damage the children though, rather they can make the children challenged with an opportunity to grow and develop a type of resilient attitude and a greater sense of sensitive to subjects of the like (Duncombe 2004: 188). Even though research does show that not all affairs impact the children, the reality is that those affairs really can impact the children especially if they are younger. The reactions of the children are largely in part due to how much the affair actually disrupts the home life. The reactions to play a large part on the age of the offspring. Young adult children and adolescent children are more likely to learn of the affair and then withdraw by becoming angry and suffer conflicts of being loyal to one parent or another

(Duncombe 2004: 190). Preschool and very young children though are more dependent on the parents and stability of the home. During an affair these children if neglected because of the affair tend to feel confused and fear that this is their fault and their parents will no longer love them because of this (Duncombe 2004: 190). Children have the tendency to be able to pick up on things that their parents may not notice. If the affair is not expressed to the children then they may pick up on clues like depression or the parents being preoccupied that will give them the hint that something is going on. Extramarital affairs can also lead to the deterioration of a relationship with either the mother or the father with the children. Most divorced fathers are quick to start new relationships with other women and to start new families so the children might be left with a feeling of who is really their father in the situation (Duncombe 2004: 193). Children really do become the people that are truly stuck in the middle when an affair is happening. Parents in extramarital affairs usually do not realize the impact it will have on their children until something significant happens in their family life. There is a great deal of emotions tied to extramarital affairs. The emotional impact of an affair or even the affair becoming known by a partner can have a negative outcome on the relationship and what happens next for that couple. People tend to experience their most intense emotions while in a relationship and when that relationship begins to fail emotional instability can occur (Feeney 2004: 489). Marriage between two people becomes this bond that entails all secrets and insecurities being unveiled and affairs ruin this seal. Sexuality is a key of sorts to a couples bond and when this is broken so are the emotional ties. So when sexual infidelity occurs it is much more hurtful than other forms of betrayal (Feeney 2004: 489). Affairs can completely break the bond of emotional trust and security in a relationship.

Extramarital affairs can be a good thing for some couples and can make relationships a tornado for others. Adultery is a norm across all cultures and whether it is accepted or not it still occurs and couples constantly have to deal with it. There are no true solutions to infidelity. Infidelity is just something that happens to couples whether intentional or not. Couples can seek therapy and try and better their relationship but all in all affairs occur because of a human sexual desire that cannot be silenced. Lust and sex go hand in hand and if one feels lust for another person this just simply cannot be stopped. Sex on the other hand is simply how humans procreate and it is also a part of how people enjoy life in the sense of passion and desire. Without infidelity society may not know what it is like to stray away from the mate that someone originally chooses and all curiosity might be lost. In the end infidelity is a good social construct because it gives people that forbidden freedom in sexual desire. In conclusion, affairs are becoming the norm and infidelity is present in most cultures that practice monogamy and exclusive heterosexual relationships, this in turn creates a social dynamic that disrupts the original form of monogamy and creates relationships that may or may not last a lifetime.

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