Lam 1 Nina Lam Rebecca Agosta English 1101 September 17, 2013 TitleA Different World Bye!

I said say after a long day of being at middle school. Finally, I can go and see what is on the TV, a way to relax myself after a long, hard day of studying. I turn on the TV and a Taiwanese drama was is on. Ai zhuan jiao yu jian le shui, shi fou hai you ni de mei The theme song is so catchy and sweet, and at that moment I see a guy riding the bike with a girl in the back, who hasd wavy, long hair. As I listen to what each character says in Mandarin, I compared it to the Chinese subtitle, character by character, phrase by phrase. This drama seems so sweet and iswas like another fairy tale story, except not a Disney fairy tale. I cannot helpstop but to finish this episode. Thank god, my parents had put me in Chinese class to learn Mandarin. Immediately, I went go on my computer to look up the casts in Corner of Love, and the main characters are Show Luo and Barbie Tsu. After watching that episode on the television, I went wentgo back online to look up the other episodes for Corner of Love. At this moment, I knew one thing for sure, I wanted to learn the language diligently so that I can actually understand their jokes and maybe even know what it is like to live in Taiwan. I want to also become fluent so that one day if I were to meet one of them, I can be speakingspeak Chinese to them and actually be able to hold a conversation with these celebrities.
Comment [t6]: Past or present is fine, but do pick on and stick to it throughout the snapshot. Ill let you edit from here. Comment [N7]: Maybe phrase this in a different tense? For example, I knew one thing for sure, I wanted to learn the language diligently - Brett Comment [N8]: Insert word know Comment [t9]: Okay, so here we are learning a bit more. You do not know all of Mandarin, but you have an interest in it and want to understand jokes, etc. Comment [t10]: It seems like you admired these celebrities and liked the idea of being able to converse with them in Mandarin. Comment [t4]: English subtitles or Mandarin subtitles? Do you think the reader would know that a Taiwanese drama would be in Mandarin? How can you help them understand? Comment [t5]: I think if we knew which language was spoken and which was subtitled, the reader would get a better sense of where you are and what you are listening to and seeing. Formatted: Centered Comment [t2]: As you revise for your portfolio, develop a creative title that binds your stories together. Comment [t3]: It looks like this paragraph is mostly in present tense, so edit to maintain that tense. Comment [t1]: You sent in a copy with notes from someone who work-shopped your piece. Im not sure if you meant to do this. Make sure to send me your revised version without notes on future assignments.

Lam 2 It was 8 oclock and I had finished a few more episodes of this drama. My brother asks me what I have been watching all day and I told him Corner of Love. He was shocked that I was actually watching this drama, considering how much I hated Chinese Mandarin before. At that moment, I realized that I am slowly falling in love with the language, ChineseMandarin.
Comment [t11]: The culture? The language? The film/tv of the culture? When you mention Chinese vs. Mandarin, are you using one to talk about the language and one to talk about the people and culture? It is interesting that this show had such an impact on you. I have TV shows that make me love British culture. A little bit of clarity in past/present and language/culture will make it easier for the reader to understand.

I walked through this small alley-like sidewalk and went up two steps. I see a huge parking lot on my right and a little playground right next to it, I want to go on it, but I know as an eight year old, I am too old for that. There is a huge building in the shape of a U. My parents takes a left turn to the steps and lead me through a white door. We go upstairs and my parents turn in some forms that they had filled out the previous night. Some man comes up to me and starts talking to me in Mandarin,. I just replied simply with Ni hao and Shi, meaning yes, or Bu Shi, meaning no. The man then goes goeswent to my parents and tells them that I am getting placed into second grade Chinese. The man gives us directions to my classroom and immediately went on to the next parents because of how long the registration line was.. We walked down two flights of stairs, and there we were at the classroom that was not too big. I walked into the room and there was one medium sized whiteboard on the wall to the left and two long, rectangular tables on the right with five or six chairs to each table. I found a seat at the end and sat down. When the teacher walked in, she told us to turn our books to lesson eight. I I have missed so many classes already, how is it possible for me to catch up? Whatever, I will just try my best to follow the class and pace myself through this.

Comment [t12]: Great visual that is instantly intriguing

Comment [t13]: Shifting between past and present

Comment [t14]: The way this is written, it doesnt necessarily sound like a warm place. Im not sure if thats intentional. Maybe its because this place is unknown?

Comment [t15]: Seems very plain and basic Comment [N16]: tells to told - Brett

Lam 3 The bell to get out of class rings and my parents are already outside of the classroom waiting for me to get out of class. We walk back up the two flights of stairs and exit the white door. I see at least one hundred kids running around. All these people are willing to get up early on a Saturday morning to go to Chinese class? One week is fun but I dont know if I can do this every week.
Comment [t17]: Interesting. You seem very removed from the experience in this piece. For example, you focus mainly on the building and the objects in it rather than the lesson that you were a part of. I feel like theres a bigger purpose for this, but Im not sure of what that is yet.

Okay, today you guys will be assigned an essay and the topic is I love Chinese because, said Ms. Guo. What if I do not love Chinese? Now they are just assigning assignments that are not based on our true feelings, and they plan on entering our essays into a writing contest. All I can say is I will not be able to win anything since this is not my true feelings for Chinese. After having to wake up every Saturday morning for the past four years, I just dislike Chinese. Later that day, I went home and sat in front of the computer, thinking hard about what I love about Chinese. Is it the language or the culture or simply because my parents are making me study Chinese? I honestly do not know where to start or what to write about, ; therefore, I had to make up something so that I can turn in the assignment. I start out writing about how Chinese can make me bilingual and how Chinese may open up a new door to my future, but I was not sure if all this is actually true. I read over these few sentences and it does not seem convincing enough, so I keep holding the backspace button until the entire essay is gone. That night, I asked my mom why am I taking Chinese, how it would benefit me and she just told me it is for my own good. This answer is so vague, so I asked my dad and he gave me the same answer. I sat back down at the computer and started typing the pinyin for the characters.

Comment [N18]: I like how you give insight into your thoughts on the assignments

Comment [t19]: Interesting. I agree with Bretts comment above. Getting these little parts of your thoughts is helpful.

Comment [N20]: I think you forgot to place about in here

Comment [N21]: Remove comma

Comment [t22]: interesting Comment [t23]: very powerful visual Comment [N24]:

Lam 4 I ended up typing about what I thought of earlier. This essay is a waste of my time. Why can the topic not be I hate Chinese because.?
Comment [t25]: I think this is a good snapshot because we are able to see how you feel about your lessons. You are not quite sure about their worth yet, and you do not have someone who explains it in a way that you want it explained. Also, your teacher is asking you to write an essay that feels empty for you, rather than something that you can stand behind.

There arewere about 25twenty-five of us sitting at three long tables. We each have our test packet and answer sheet placed in front of us for us to work on. As I amwas working diligently on my test, I also have tohad to also be attentive of the teacher calling my name for me to do the presentation or speaking part of the test. I finished the reading section of my practice advanced placement Chinese test and still they have not called my name, so I start ed working on my writing part. Alas, they had called my name for the presentation portion of the practice exam. The topic iswas to introduce a famous Chinese person who had brought Chinese culture to America. Mrs. Shi tellsold me I have six minutes to prepare for the four minute presentation. Some examples that are were on the topic sheet were Jackie Chan, Yao Ming, etc., but the person that Ipops into my head thought of is Leehom Wang. He may not be as famous as I think he is, but he definitely influenced many people like him, American born Chinese. I start writing down notes about how he used to not know any Chinese but now he incorporates his music with Chinese culture. Not only is this music catchy in tune but also informational about the Chinese culture, such as Beijing Opera.
Comment [N27]: used to Comment [N28]: Replace are these with is this Comment [t26]: Oh wow, this is pretty intense.

Lam 5 The six minutes is are up and I have to start presenting., my My hands are sweaty and when I start talking, I noticed my voice shaking. When the four minutes were over, Mrs. Shi told me I did great and now I am more confident about my Chinese and knowledge about China. I walked out of the classroom, knowing that I had most likely did well on this practice exam and that this exam may be a way to confirm my ability in this literacy. I know one thing for sure now and that is I am definitely more interested in Chinese now.
Comment [t30]: This test and the effects (your boosted confidence) makes you more eager to continue learning Chinese. Sometimes realizing that you have learned quite a lot and are talented at something can put you down the path of being more motivated. Comment [N29]: were

Knock, knock, knock! Time to wake up! said the camp counselor as he knocked on the door. It is eight oclock, and I know I have to go to Chinese class at 9 oclock. I drag myself out of bed and get ready for the day. I went over to my friends room down the hall to see if they are up to go get breakfast with me. They were ready to go when I got to their room. We walked out of the dorm rooms of one of the universities in Beijing. The air is humid and does not smell too fresh, but the birds are still chirping and the wind blows slightly. We walk about five minutes to get to the cafeteria and start eating a hot pork bun and a bowl of hot n sour soup. Afterwards, we walked to Chinese class, which was on the second floor in another building. We walk into the classroom and there were about five to six rows filled with computers. We all found a seat and sat down, waiting for the teacher to come.
Comment [t33]: Ah! So you are there! The reader does not know much that you lived in America until you said the American born Chinese thing earlier. This may be information you will want to tell early in the essay. Comment [t31]: Im wondering what kind of camp this is Comment [N32]: Replace got with get

Lam 6 The teacher walks in and we all quiet down, she says Tong xue men hao (Good morning class). We all responded Laoshi hao (Hello teacher), and she started class. She starts by teaching us a poem about how siblings should support each other and love each other. She wants us to memorize the poem, since it was only 16 characters, and be able to write the poem without looking at the board. I start writing the poem over and over again for about fifteen minutes, then I shot my hands into the air and told her I know how to write the poem and recite it. The teacher hesitated on calling on me, even the camp counselor looked at me and said, We know you know, so please give other people a chance. So, I put my hand back down, but I am not upset, instead I understand why they said that. I have talked to them in Chinese outside of class and the camp counselors and I would hang out and communicate in Chinese, so I do not blame them. As a sophomore in high school, I know my Chinese surpasses the other Chinese people that I know. At this moment, I know for sure that my hard work from Chinese school back in America has definitely paid off. I know I am capable of communicating fluently with people in China without having to worry about them understanding me.
Comment [t36]: Good. I will say, this snapshot shows growth at the end and allows us to understand your literacy. The beginning of your snapshot is a long description of getting to class. Im not sure that it allows us to see your literacy. It only has a small cultural part about what you eat for breakfast. Consider as you revise to think about which parts demonstrate your literacy journey and which parts could be cut. During your literacy in language/culture, did you notice any big differences in ways of being. For example, the teacher wanting you to wait might be a cultural thing there that you may or may not have experienced here. Comment [N37]: Overall the order of your snapshots progress easily for the reader to understand. I found a lot of verb-tense errors (some I corrected or commented on) that you may want to go back and check on. You should have each snapshot stay in the same tense, so that it does not confuse the reader. Overall I really like your topic and find it very unique. You elaborated really well. I like that you added some Chinese words and phrases, which adding more of wouldnt hurt the essay. I would just say revise your grammar, etc and of course add anything else you think will make it stronger! Good work!-brooke Comment [t35]: I agree with Bretts comment. This shows that you are ahead of some other students who are learning Mandarin. Comment [N34]: I thought all of the snapshots were good examples, and I could definitely understand your frustration with all of it, especially when they told you to put your hand down and give the other kids a chance.. that proved that you were really becoming literate. -Brett

In this snapshot essay, I want to be able to explain how I have learned Chinese literature over the time. I have been educated about Chinese literacy for almost all my life, even after I came to America as a kid. Some sponsors that I may have come across were parents, relatives, coworkers, teachers, friends from China, and even Chinese shows and dramas that my parents watch. Each one have their influence on my knowledge about this literacy. Through this snapshot essay, I want to be able to give people an idea of what it was like being in my shoes and having

Lam 7 to learn this literacy. I want readers to understand how, when, and why my passion for Chinese literacy increased over the long period of time. Some things that went really well during this draft was actually being able to think back into the past and writing down my memories and thoughts. I was really surprised when I was able to actually remember most of my feelings, even the hatred towards this literacy because I know I am really passionate about my knowledge and fluency in Chinese. One of the biggest challenges about writing this draft is to actually know where to start. I had an idea of starting the entire essay when I started liking Chinese, but I was afraid that readers would not be able to follow the sequence. Another challenge is knowing how to start each snapshot because I am so use to writing about things that happen over a long period of time and not stuff that happen in one day or at one moment. I would like to keep the main events of the snapshots because I feel like that is what had influenced me the most but I would like to revise the organization, grammar, and punctuations of this essay. I would like these revisions because I know this is my first draft and most of the information are not organized or exactly put into place. I would like to ask my peer group, whether or not they can understand this essay and were able to understand the feelings that I want to express.
Comment [N38]: I really like the order you had your snap shots organized, it made it easy to transition to each one. There were just a few grammar errors which is bound to happen hopefully we got them all. Just make sure the tense throughout the paragraphs is consistent. Alex Comment [N39]: challenges Comment [t40]: If you give ages or more context clues to when and where these events were happening, the reader would be able to understand that this essay is not written in chronological order.