TRAPPED IN A MONOLOGUE I have had all sorts of problems lately. I lost my job. My dog ran away.

The taxes are always there. My car broke down. I got a terrible rash that I'd prefer not to talk about right now. Oh and my bathtub randomly exploded. !"#$O%!%. %on't ask. I don't even know. I mean seriously& I'm not trying to 'uestion the universe or anything but that kind of stuff just plain doesn't happen& It definitely ruined my day. (nd don't even get me started on the crap that's on daytime television nowadays. It)s like the entire world is against me. $ike I'm just a fictional character for some twisted writer to vent his anger on to make himself feel better about his own life. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's the only thing I can compare it to. *ou know what+ I'm being selfish. I've just been telling you all about my problems. I never listen to what you have to say. ,ow's life+ -$ong pause. ,ey wait just a second here. /omething's wrong. -$ooks around. 0hat the hell....+ I'm not talking to anybody& I've been talking to myself this whole time& (m I cra1y+ 2ow that I think about it I don't even remember getting here. -Thinks hard. I can't remember anything before me saying 3I have had all sorts of problems lately.3 I can't remember any of my life& It's like my life started with that sentence and there was nothing before it& Ok ok ok pal don't panic. There's got to be some reasonable explanation right+ $et's see. 0here am I+ I'm in some sort of.....room. (lright that's a start. My god why do I feel so comfortable talking to myself+ 0ait. There)s people. They're just sitting there.....watching me... -4gasp4. They must be some kind of alien race that abducted me and fed me a drug that made me forget my entire life and talk to myself like some kind of mental patient& ,ey& (liens& 5an you hear me+ I'm on to you& I know what you)re doing& *ou want me to freak out until I give up the name and location of the #resident so you can control his mind and have all of mankind at your command& 0ell guess what alien scum& 0hen you brainwashed me you made me forget everything about the president too& 6oy did you guys screw up& 2ot so advanced now are you+ (re you+&+& *ou guys got yourself into some deep crap this time& *our boss isn't going to be too happy about that is he+& 0ait. They don't $OO7 like aliens. ,mm 8 Maybe I jumped the gun a little there. Maybe they'll respond if I ask them what's going on. ,ey& *ou& *es you& 0here am I and how did I get here+ /top just staring at me like that& (nswer my 'uestion& 0hy are you just watching+ %o you want me to do a trick or something+ *ou)re staring at me like you're a patron an audience& -$ong pause.0ait. These people...this room...those lights....that hairstyle.... I know what this is& I know where I am& This I/ an audience& My greatest fear has finally come true... I'M T9(##!% I2 ( MO2O$O:;!&&-:oes to his knees throws hands into the air. 2OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO&&&&&

DOCTORS AND KIDNEY In the operation theater two doctors are disc ssin! o"er a see#in!$% nconscio s patient&& %octor<= This looks like a good place to cut. The meat is soft and tender here. %octor>= 5ut a little higher he will then stay longer in hospital. %octor<= *es you are right doctor? you have the business thing inside you. /hortest path is for engineers. 0e have the longest path algorithm to solve the problem. 2o wonder engineers get paid so less. %octor>= My dad wanted me to become a business man but I wanted to become a doctor. /o we had a deal and hence on becoming a doctor I opened this hospital. %octor<= 0ow& I mean wow&& #atient= !xcuse me&& %octor<= 0hat& *ou are awake+ %octor>= 5ount till <@ and you will fall sleep. *ou can even count sheep we won't tell anyone. (nesthesia will work. #atient= *ou haven)t injected me yet. %octor<= Oh Ok&& $et me call the anesthesiologist. %octor>= /ir you are great you are going to donate your kidney today. #atient= 0hat+ 2o. I have come to remove my appendix. %octor<= Oh Ok& 2ice joke. *ou got me. (ppendix&& ,eAhe -Buietly looks at the report.. *es appendix. $ie down. -%octor< takes the other doctor to a corner. %octor<= ,e came here to have his appendix removed and we were going to take out his kidney. %octor>= Oh I thought it is bone marrow donation. %octor<= 0hat+ *ou missed it by a distance. (t least the kidney is near. %octor>= 2ow what should we do+ 0e both don't know how to remove appendix. %octor<= ,e will sue us if we don't remove his appendix. %octor>= Ok we will try. %octor<= %o you know what it looks like+ %octor>= $et)s :oogle it. *ou meanwhile put him to sleep.

%octor<= ,ow by singing him a lullaby+ The (nesthesiologist is on leave. %octor>= I think he might be looking for a new job. 0e haven)t paid him since like forever. %octor<= 0hat he expects to get paid as if he is a real one+ %octor>= Ok I will put him to sleep by staffing him with sleeping pills. -They both start to operate. %octor<= 0hat about the other person whom we promised a kidney+ %octor>= Oh yes he will screw us&& %octor<= $et)s remove this guy's kidney also. I don't think he will notice. %octor>= *es he looks healthy. %oesn't drink or smoke so I think it would be fine. %octor<= *es. I also think so. %octor>= /o kidney it is&& %octor<= *es and also the appendix. %octor>= I almost forgot&& -They operate and on the day of discharge. #atient= Thank you. %octor>= 0e should say thank you to you. #atient= 0hy+ %octor<= Oh you were so calm sleeping like a baby while we were operating. %octor>= *es. #atient= Thank you for the free breakfast every day. %octor>= Oh&& %on't mention it. 0e owe you something. #atient= 0hat+ %octor<= Oh the doctor is kidding again. Of course he is talking about the medical bill for the stay. #atient= Oh yes&& %octor I feel lighter for some reason. %octor>= Of course we have removed your appendix.

#atient= 6ut I feel much lighter than that. %octor<= (nd you will feel ever more lighter when you pay our charge. #atient= ,aAha. *ou people are funny? I was so scared when you talked about removing my kidney that day. %octor<= Oh&& 0e were just joking. *ou really thought that we were going to take your kidney and give it to the person in the next room+ #atient= *ou know the other patient was also playing a prank on me saying we are '7idney buddies'. I turned the joke on him by accepting that it is my kidney that he has and he needs to pay me royalty whenever he uses the restroom. I mean I don't even know you I would not even offer you a cigarette why would I give you my only healthy kidney+& 0hat a fool & %octor>= Oh&& /o you had only one kidney+ #atient= *es the other one works intermittently. %octor= Oh&& Ok& 2ice meeting you. 2urse take him out please. 2ext&&