Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

An Analysis of My Personal Sexual Identity Development Derek Joyce Georgia Southern University

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

Abstract In this paper, the author analyzes and creates themes from his experiences in developing his sexual identity. This includes personal experiences, various stages of interest, comparison to gender norms, and cultural factors. The author also attempts to use his experiences and the material learned though this course in order to develop an idea on how to work with others facing sexual issues in counseling.

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

Introduction The purpose for studying Human Sexuality is twofold. The first is to gain greater understanding of ones own sexuality and sexual viewpoints. The second is to use this enhanced understanding to better assist clients in a counseling setting. Sexual identity is also not limited to gender preference for intercourse, as mainstream culture leads us to believe. It is a rich and intricate combination of gender preference, gender identity, forms of sexual expression, gender roles and norms, biology, love, behaviors, acceptance of other forms of sexuality, and varieties of sexual expressions. In what I am finding to be an increasingly unique scenario, I was raised in an environment that had me explore and question my sexual identity beginning at a young age. However, even today I am experiencing increased awareness and surprises in my own sexuality. My Sociocultural Background I believe that the foundation for my openness and early analysis of my sexual identity stems from the environment of origin. My mother is a lesbian and has never had a male partner since my birth. She has had three girlfriends during my lifetime, the duration of each one lasting multiple years. Because of this, I always considered same-sex relationships to be normal and didnt even know that there was a word for people who date others of their own gender under my mother came out of the closet when I was thirteen. Additionally, I would attend many LGBTQ events, including the Atlanta Gay Pride Parade, yearly with my parents. It can therefore be implied that I always had an open view on homosexual relationships. The only exception to this is when it came to the consideration of a father figure. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was living in rural Alabama, where homosexuality was virtually condemned and the traditional family of

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

one mom, one dad, and children was considered to be the given standard. Because I would be asked in school to describe my family, I was also made acutely aware that I was the only person that I knew who did not have a father. This class between what I knew to be normal and what was standard by the area I lived in lead to me having a small breakdown which prompted my mother to find my father. After my mother and I moved to Atlanta, GA, an area that is renowned for its acceptance and openness for LGBTQ individuals, there was not any more worry about being discreet about my mothers sexuality and we attended many Pride events over the years. Religious Considerations One more area where my views on homosexuality clashed with my environment is in the realm of religion. My mother is an agnostic and religion is almost never discussed with her except in a political context. However, when I was between the ages of 8 and 10, my parents would take me to Catholic mass with them. I was not religious at this point and from this church I was exposed to many anti-gay sentiments. Granted these statements were not from the preacher, but were frequent among the church-goers. I eventually left that church and renounced religion for a number of years. This also led to me developing the bias that Christians in general were anti-gay and therefore should be avoided. I later adopted the Wiccan faith, which holds homosexuality in the same regard as heterosexuality, since being true to ones own form of love brings no harm. Instead, denying ones self and self-expression brings harm to oneself and deceives all others. Qualities of Masculinity and Femininity One other consideration from being raised split between rural Alabama and suburban Atlanta is that they both have very strict gender roles and definitions of masculinity and

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

femininity. Being raised in a lesbian household, however, instilled within me very loose definitions of gender norms and gender roles. With my mother being more of an effeminate lesbian, I was raised with a more feminine personality and taught to do all of the feminine housework such as cooking, cleaning, and folding laundry. When my effeminate personality met the rigid gender norms of my social group, I was often mislabeled as gay by my peers. Identity Development during Puberty As I entered adolescence and my sexual urges came to the surface, I quickly developed a high sexual appetite (where I would masturbate an average of two to three times daily) and was highly interested in dating. However, I did not like the idea of casual sex or casual dating. Even at the age of 14 I wanted a serious relationship. However, in middle and high school very few women expressed interest in me and I only ended up dating one girl during the entire postsecondary school period. This in turn led to low self-efficacy on my part because I quickly became one of very few males in my school who was not dating and later became one of the few who did not have a long-term (over six months to over one year) relationship. Because so many people kept presuming that I was gay, even despite me efforts to tell them otherwise, I decided to try being bi for a while. However, there was only one man that I felt attracted to and when I confided to my best friend at the time, he nearly severed our friendship because he was highly homophobic. This deterred me from ever approaching bicuriosity until my college years. There was also a small period of time during high school where I considered a sexchange procedure. The reason for this is because at the time I thought that my feminine characteristics were so deterrent that I thought my life would make more sense and be easier if I

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

was a girl, even if that meant that I would be a lesbian. I also really admired the variety and versatility of the female wardrobe and wished that there was more variety and fashion for mens clothing. Because a gender-identity change was such a big deal, my mother introduced me to a transsexual hairdresser, who would eventually become my excusive hair dresser for the next four years. This woman is a Vietnamese male-to-female transsexual who identified herself as female since her early teens. She eventually went through the entire surgery to become a legallyclassified female. When I talked with her about my feelings concerning my femininity and current thoughts on a sex change, she informed me that the decision is not based on convenience, but by how one sees themself in the mirror. I never again considered a sex change because I always identified as male, albeit a metrosexual. Development in the College Years When I entered college, I was once again immersed in an environment where open sexual curiosity was considered more acceptable. By this time I had one nine-month relationship and believed myself to be firmly heterosexual. During the winter months of that first year I had experienced my first sexual relationship with a woman. However, she wanted a strictly friends with benefits scenario whereas I wanted a serious relationship. She ended the relationship after two months. It would be another year before I had sex again and one year after that before I had another relationship. It was finally at this time where I began to develop my identity as a nonsingle man. Because I wanted to be in a relationship so deeply for almost seven years, I stayed in that relationship for two years even though it became abusive after six months. Development during Graduate School

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

During graduate school, a few new developments occurred which completely redefined my views on sexuality. First, I had come to realize my bias and condemnation of macho men. This bias developed because I became angry that many of the women I desired instead chose to be with men who followed stereotypical gender traits and norms but who also mistreated and even abused them. Following the teachings of my mother and the romance and romantic comedy movies that taught me about love and dating, I was a more obvious and beneficial choice because I would not treat them badly and communicate with them better than the men that they chose. I also viewed many of their stereotypically masculine traits in a negative light, seeing their assertiveness as narcissism and as insensitive to the emotional needs of their girlfriends. Once I became aware and resolved this bias, I began associating with men more and adopting more masculine traits. In December of 2012, I briefly dated a young woman who introduced me to another form of sexual expression: BDSM. This is an area which I have not explored before and knew little about. With my interest peaked by this partner, I researched about BDSM lifestyles and power exchange. I was surprised to see that I was both aroused and interested in these expressions and differentiated them from typical abuse within a relationship. I then began portraying a Dominant with that partner and greatly enjoyed the experience. Even though the relationship with that individual did not last, my identity as a Dominant maintained. Current Status Currently, I am in a partially BDSM relationship with a woman my age who is likened as my girlfriend and my pet. I have fully accepted my femininity but also accepted masculinity in my life as well. I have a high sense of fashion and good grooming, but also enjoy exercising and

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

being outdoors. Because I embody numerous positive traits from both the masculine (resourceful, clear-thinking, ambitious) and feminine (compassionate, expressive, peace-loving) spectrums, I believe that I would be typified as positively androgynous (Woodhill & Samuels, 2004). I am very open about sexuality and would be open to being considered bisexual if I were to ever find a man that I was attracted to. However, at this time I consider myself as exclusively heterosexual, though I have kissed two men in my life and found it unstimulating (Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin, 1948). Finally, I am a compassionate Dominant who prefers to demonstrate passion and compassion for his pet while still taking pleasure from dominance, bondage, and discipline. I have extremely open opinions and views on sexuality and gender and believe that sex is used too much of a selling point in mass media and has lost some of its personal connection. Implications for Clinical Practice Primarily, I can see myself as being a role model and advocate for effeminate men, LGBTQ individuals, and for those with BDSM interests. Being someone who is in some way involved in many versions of sexual minorities, I can best empathize and counsel those who experience the oppression of societal norms and the lack of compassion for sexual deviance. As a practitioner of BDSM, I can also reassure the client that if they have a penchant for that lifestyle, they do not necessarily have something wrong with them and that their tastes are not the result of abuse or difficulty with normal sex (Ritchers, 2008). I can also empathize with those who do not conform to normal gender roles and help with developing coping skills. I can also be an example of someone who bolsters pride in being different, but also able to connect with almost everyone in some way. I can provide information on safe sex practices and information on sexuality that may be neglected by school systems. Finally, I can help instill an

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

appreciation for ambivalence and the whole spectrum of human experience. Sexuality is one of the most rewarding and exciting areas of human life, but also one of the most dangerous and misunderstood. I as a counselor have experienced some of the brighter and darker sides of human experience and can assert for my patients that all of lifes strangeness is actually quite normal.

Running head: MY SEXUAL IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

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References Hill, D. B. (2006) Feminine heterosexual men: Subverting heteropatriarchal sexual scripts? The Journal of Mens Studies, 14(2). Kinsey, A., Pomeroy, W.B., & Martin, C.E. (1948) Sexual behavior in the human male. Philadelphia: Saunders. Richters, J., de Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. A. (2008). Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, sadomasochism or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. Journal Of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660-1668. Woodhill, B., & Samuels, C. A. (2004). Desirable and undesirable androgyny: a prescription for the twenty-first century. Journal Of Gender Studies, 13(1), 15-28.