Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
Dan Greenburg
Contents
Foreword by the Authors Mother The Basic Techniques of Jewish Motherhood The Basic Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Basic Philosophizing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Making Guilt Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Technique of Basic Suffering . . . . . . . . Practice Drills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Seven Basic Sacrices To Make For Your Child The Jewish Mothers Guide to Food Distribution Mealtime Strategy: First and Second Helpings Bread With Everything . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Administer the Third Helping . . . . . Watch Between-Meal Treats . . . . . . . . . . . Matching Test . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Jewish Mothers Guide to Entertaining How to Tell a Funny Story . . . . . . . . How to Discuss Current Events . . . . . How to Pay a Compliment . . . . . . . . How to Accept a Compliment . . . . . . Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 11 11 11 13 14 14 15 17 17 19 20 21 22 23 25 25 27 32 32 33 33 35 35
The Jewish Mothers Guide to Relaxation How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There Are Others Present: 3
Contents
How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present: How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present but Your Husband: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Enjoy Yourself at Somebody Elses Home: . . . . . . How to Enjoy Yourself at the Beach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00P. M . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Jewish Mothers Guide to Thrift Sale Merchandise Costs Less . . . . Plan for the Future by Saving Now Making Old Clothes Do . . . . . . How To Buy New Clothes . . . . . Quiz . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 36 36 37 37 40 41
43 . . 43 . . 44 . . 44 . . 45 . . 46 . . 48
The Jewish Mothers Guide to Education 49 Practice Drill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Test Question . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Answer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 The Jewish Mothers Guide to Children Leaving Home Computing Maximum Allowable Distance . . . . . The First Visit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Test Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 . . 53 . . 53 . . 54 . . 54 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 57 57 58 60 60 61 61 64
The Jewish Mothers Guide to Sex & Marriage The Son . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Early Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The First Encounter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The High School Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The College Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dinner with the Girl Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . The Post-Graduate Period . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Act When He Finally Becomes Engaged
Contents
The Daughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What to Do Before the Date (High School & College Phases) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Post-Graduate Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dinner With the Boy Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Behave When You Discover Your Daughter Necking in the Living Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Last Resort . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to be a Jewish Grandmother Final Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Glossary of Terms The Last Word by the Authors Mother Index
5 67 67 68 71 71 74 77 78 79 83 84
Contents
List of Figures
I PROPER POSITION OF HANDS DURING EXECUTION OF DAILY SIGH II III IV V VI VII
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SLIVER OF FOOD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
13 18 19
DIAGRAM INDICATING PROPER INTERPRETATION OF THE PHRASE PROPER FORM FOR ADMINISTERING THE SECOND HELPING
38 39 47 55 59 62 65 69 72 78
VIII PROPER CLOTHES TECHNIQUE FOR SON AGED IX X XI XII XIII XIV
TO
22 . . . . 50 F) .
. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
XV
CHART FOR POINTING OUT RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN BABY AND OLD MAN FINKLESTEIN .
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List of Figures
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Basic Philosophizing
You will be called upon to function as a philosopher on two distinct types of occasions:
On the other hand, you dont have to be either Jewish or a mother to be a Jewish mother. An Irish waitress or an Italian barber could also be a Jewish mother.
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Whenever anything bad happens, you must point out the fortunate aspects of the situation: Ma! Ma! Whats the commotion? The bad boys ran off with my hat! The bad boys ran off with your hat? You should be grateful they didnt also cut your throat. Also point out that Bad Experience is the best teacher:
Maybe next time youll know better than to fool with roughnecks.2 Its the best thing that could have happened to you, believe me. Whenever anything good happens, you must, of course, point out the unfortunate aspects of the situation. (This is necessary in order that The Evil Eye should not suspect that things are going too well):
Ma! Ma! So whats the trouble now? The Youth Group Rafe! I won a Pontiac convertible! You won a Pontiac automobile in the Youth Group Rafe? Very nice. The insurance alone is going to send us to the poorhouse.
2
See glossary, p. 79
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Beat a child every day; if you dont know what hes done to deserve the beating, he will.
Let your child hear you sigh every day; if you dont know what hes done to make you suffer, he will.
Note: (A) Cross-Over Grip of Right Hand on Left Wrist (B) Edge of Plain Linen Handkerchief tucked around Index Finger to facilitate tear-dabbing.
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This should be said softly but audibly, should imply suffering without expressing it openly. When properly executed, this is the Basic Tone of Voice.
Practice Drills
1. Give your son Marvin two sportshirts as a present. The rst time he wears one of them, look at him sadly and say in your Basic Tone of Voice: The other one you didnt like? 2. Borrow a tape recorder and practice the following key phrases until you can deliver them with eye-watering perfection: (a) Go ahead and enjoy yourself. (b) But be careful. (c) Dont worry about me.
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3. Remember, the child is an unformed, emotionally unstable, ignorant creature. To make him feel secure, you must continually remind him of the things which you are denying yourself on his account, especially when others are present.
Now that you have familiarized yourself with the Basic Techniques, you may proceed to apply this knowledge in the important area of Food Distribution.
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1. Find out whether the man has any rational objections: What do you mean no potatoes, Irvingyou think Im trying to poison you? 2. Suggest that he take only a small amount as a compromise: Take only a sliver of the potatoes, then. 17
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SLIVER OF FOOD 3. You may now proceed to ll his plate with potatoes. The instant he has crammed down the last one, you must be ready to: 4. Offer him a second helping:
There, I told you youd like it once you tasted it. All right now, youre ready for seconds? God, no. Here you must really be on your toes. Between your question and his answer, little more than one microsecond will elapse. Within that microsecond, you must scoop all the rest of the potatoes out onto his plate and make the turn back to the kitchen. If you either scoop too soon or scoop too late, you risk a serious breach of sportsmanship. The scooping motion must come precisely between your ...ready for seconds? and his God, no. A few hours of practice with a stopwatch in the privacy of your kitchen should net you surprisingly satisfactory results.1
Until your timing has been perfected, it is perhaps slightly better form to scoop too early than to have his God, no catch you with your potatoes halfway down
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FIG . III :
Note: (1) The Staging Phase: Right Hand (A), grips Kettle (B), while Left Hand (C) holds Ladle (D) in a rm but comfortable grip. 2 The Pre-Contactual Phase: Note the snap of the Wrist, the angle of the plane of the Ladle Top. (3) The PostContactual Phase: Between this and the preceding phase is the Moment of Truth; it must occur precisely between your ...seconds? and the targets God, no. (4) The Follow-Through Phase: Consistent form is realized by bringing the Ladle sharply upward and in position to return to the Kettle for the Third Helping.
Irving, wait. Take a little bread with that. Bread? With strawberry ice cream?
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Immediately switch from the general to the specic. Select your quarry, and pounce:
Eddie, I can tell you are ready for a third helping of chicken. Believe me, Sylvia, if I took one more piece of chicken I would sprout feathers.
The next step in the ritual calls for a statement about your quarry addressed to the spectators:
Eddie doesnt like the way I cook chicken. Im crazy about the way you cook chicken, Sylvia. I simply cannot eat another particle without bursting. You see, I happen to know that chicken is Eddies favorite dish. I prepared it specially for himbut do you think he cares?
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Note that in this exchange your remarks are not to Eddie but about him.2 You are now ready to close in for the moment of truth:
Eddie, tell me. You like chicken? Yes. You like my chicken? Yes yes. You are too full to eat any more? Yes yes yes. All right. This I can understand. A man says to me I am too full, this I can understand. Its not like you are asking me to throw it out, after all. All right. ( PAUSE ) So Ill wrap it up in wax paper and youll take it for later.
Marvin, how about a little treat? Have a mint, or maybe a slice of salami. Not now, Ma.
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Matching Test
Match the main dish in Column I with its appropriate side dish in Column II: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)
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I II Roast brisket of beef (a) Celery Boiled chicken (b) Tomato Fried chicken (c) Lettuce Turkey (d) String beans Macaroni (e) Carrots Veal cutlets (f) Peas Rib steak (g) Beets Lambchops (h) Spinach Beef stew (i) Bread Pressed duck (j) Corn
Should your child ever leave home, temporarily or permanently, do not let him go without giving him a bag of sandwiches. At last report, they were still selling food on The Outside, but they are liable to stop at any moment. And besides, how good can it be?
Answers
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Answers
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) i i i i i i i i i i
You now know how to Distribute Food effectively. Next you will learn how to Entertain.
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8:30 Have your son play the violin. 9:00 Have your daughter play the piano. 9:30 Have your daughter show what she learned in tap dancing class. 9:45 Have your son read a composition that should have gotten a better grade. 10:00 Tell a funny story.
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Familiarize yourself with the following formula for successful story telling and in no time at all you will have a widespread reputation as a raconteuse. To begin the telling of any story: 1. Ask whether anybody has heard it before. Listen, you all know the story about the old Jewish man? It is important that this initial query be as general as possible, so that anybody who has heard the story before should not recognize it and hence have it spoiled for him. The next step is: 2. Ask someone else to tell it. Listen, its a very funny story. About an old Jewish man. Al, you tell it. I dont know the story you mean, Sylvia. Of course you know. Dont you? The story about the old Jewish man. Go ahead, you tell it, Al. You know I cant tell a story properly. This modesty is very becoming to a performer and will surely be countered with heartfelt cries of denial from your audience. You are now ready to: 3. Explain Where You Heard the Story. All right. This story I heard originally from Rose Melnick. You all know Rose? No? Her husband is in dry goods. Melnick. You know the one? All right, it doesnt matter to the story, believe me. Anyway, Rose Melnick heard it from her son-in-law, Seymour, a lovely boy, really. A nose and throat man. Seymour Rosenyou know the name?
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By now your audience has been sufciently prepared for the story and will be anxious for you to begin. Go ahead and tell it, but be sure to: 4. Begin the Story at the Ending. Professional comedians call the end of the story the punch line. Since this is usually the funniest part of the story, it is logically the best place to start: Anyway, theres this old Jewish man who is trying to get into the synagogue during the Yom Kippur service, and the usher nally says to him, All right, go ahead in, but dont let me catch you praying. ( PAUSE ) Oh, did I mention that the old man just wants to go in and give a message to somebody in the synagogue? He doesnt actually want to go into the synagogue and pray, you see. ( PAUSE . FROWN ) Wait a minute. I dont know if I mentioned that the old man doesnt have a ticket for the service. You know how crowded it always is on Yom Kippur, and the old man doesnt have a ticket, and he explains to the usher that he has to go into the synagogue and tell somebody something, but the usher isnt going to let him in without a ticket. So the old man explains to him that its a matter of life and death, so then the usher thinks it over and he says to the old man, All right, go ahead in, but dont let me catch you pray ing. ( PAUSE . FROWN . STAND AND BEGIN EMPTYING ASHTRAYS ) Ach, I dont think I told it right, Al, you tell it.
See glossary, p. 79
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of rib roast or the progress of your niece Ediths pregnancy to be Current Events. Therefore, learn to speak their language. Memorize the following list of subjects and approved reactions and you will be well on your way to a reputation as a Well-Informed Hostess. Fidel Castro: A man that cannot take the trouble to shave , comb his hair and put on a suit and a clean shirt would not get my vote, I can tell you that much. Ralph Nader: Lovely. A smart, serious person with a head on his shoulders, and not with long hair either. Wears a suit and a tie, not like some people I could mention. Lives simply and nicely, without the fancy frills. Listen, Id be calling him ten times a week with names of lovely girls; but I understand he doesnt have a phone. Polaris: Something for the mouth, I think. I dont know too much about it, to tell you the truth. Astronauts: This is a way to earn a living? That a young man should spend all his time cooped up in a tiny cramped space without fresh air, without proper exercise, without a nourishing hot meal? Feh! Landing on Moon: What have they found up there that they cant get down here? Yuri Gagarin: Very nice. I saw him with the Bolshoi last time. Dances nice, not like a sissy. Gerald Ford: Makes a nice appearance. Very clean. He should go far. Nelson Rockefeller: A man that wealthy does not need to be President. The Common Market: I go mainly to the A & P. Thermonuclear war: Feh!Who needs it? Henry Kissinger: Listen, I know he has to talk with the Arabsits his job. But it seems to me he enjoys it maybe a little too much, you know what I mean?
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FIG . IV :
Important: As Guest (1) begins to ick Ash (2) into Ashtray (3), your Right Hand (4) must withdraw Ashtray from Ash Drop Line 5, permitting Flicked Ash to
fall into your cupped Left Hand (6). Phases of Right Hand Withdrawal, labelled A, B and C, correspond with phases of Left Hand Advance, labelled A , B C . (Note: When Flicked Ash has been successfully caught in cupped hand, you may remark Thats all right, dont worry about it.)
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FIG . V :
(A) A little TV to while away the time. (B) Windows for plenty of fresh air. (C) Curtains so there shouldnt be a glare closer to the sun. (D) a nice Frigidaire with plenty of cold cuts, milk and fruit. (E) A comfy chair which wont give you curvature of the spine. (F) Some worthwhile magazines. (G) Thick wall-to-wall carpet to reduce landing shock.
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Pollution: If Harry would stop smoking cigars for a minute, you could maybe get the smell out of the draperies. Alice Cooper: I dont understand thisa man with the name of a lady? Maybe he is a sissy. Mary Tyler Moore: A nice girl. Maybe she will take a leaf from Rhoda and nd herself a suitable husband before its too late. ICBM: They tell me pretty soon youll put a punched card in a machine and it will cook you a meal. Will it also darn your socks? Sammy Davis, Jr.: I understand he ran out and became a Jew. Listen, I give the man a lot of credit. I, myself, would not have the courage to run out and become a colored person. Frank Sinatra: Formerly a scarecrow. Look how nice he eats now. Audrey Hepburn: Put a little esh on her and shed be a capable girl. Henry Miller: I liked particularly Death of a Salesman. His other stuff I dont understand. Gay Liberation: If I would be liberated from housework and have a little time to myself, believe me I would be jolly and gay. This is what youre talking about? Dr. Spock: Spock, shlock, dont talk to me about that stuff. A man doesnt know how to bring up children until hes been a mother. Leonard Bernstein: Ah! That young man is a gentleman. You can tell what kind of a home he came from. Extrasensory perception: Very nice.
TV
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith: Nice boys. Letterman had them on last week.
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The Cincinnati Reds: In any large city youre going to nd troublemakers Any subject not listed above and not directly related to a profession, the household, or the care of a family you may dismiss as A lot of foolishness. Naturally, if youre going to do any entertaining, youre going to have to know how to pay and accept compliments.
Florence, what have you done to your hair? It looks like youre wearing a wig! I am. All my hair fell out. Oh. Listen, it looks so natural Id never have known.
Irving, tell me how is the chopped liver? Mmmm! Sylvia, its delicious!
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Test Problem
How do you get your son to play the violin for company solely through the application of guilt?
Solution
In front of your guests, tell him you only spent all that money on lessons so he could make himself and others happy through beautiful music.
You have learned how to Distribute Food and how to Entertain. Next you must learn how to Relax.
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How to Enjoy Yourself at Home if There is Nobody Present but Your Husband:
Put on an Al Jolson record. Fix him a little glass of cream soda and a piece candy. Have him lie down and make himself comfortable on the sofa. Give him a little kiss on the top of the head. Give him a little hug around the neck. Take off your girdle. Help him take off his clothes. Iron a fresh crease in his trousers.
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How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00P. M .
7:55 Wait until the whole family is dressed and ready to go before you begin to get ready.
For proper techniques of food distribution see The Jewish Mothers Guide to Food Distribution, p. 17
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FIG . VI :
(A) Something for the head to prevent sunstroke. (B) Something for the nose to prevent peeling. (C) Dark glasses for the eyes to prevent blindness. (D) Longsleeved jacket to protect the arms. (E) Shawl to protect the jacket. (F) Umbrella to protect the shawl. (G) Cocoa butter. (H) Tablecloth to protect the legs from a draft. (I) Shower clogs to prevent the feet from picking up somebodys athletes foot from the sand.
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00 P. M .39
FIG . VII :
( LEVEL 1): Optimum Cooling Off Depth. ( LEVEL 2): Optimum Splashing Around Depth. ( LEVEL 3): Optimum Wading Depth. ( LEVEL 4): Maximum Allowable Swimming Depth. ( LEVEL 5): Certain Drowning Depth.
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8:05 Tell everybody that the reason you arent ready is that you had to supervise their getting ready. 8:40 Have somebody zip you up while you wash the last few dishes in the sink. 8:57 Call the hostess on the telephone to say youll be a couple of minutes late because you had to supervise everybodys getting ready and because you had no help, as usual, with the dishes. 9:05 Go through the house turning off all the lights. 9:13 Go back and turn a few lights on in the back of the house and a few in front to make prospective burglars think there is somebody at home. 9:20 Herd everybody out of the house, double lock the door behind you, and start down the stairs, pointing out how late it is. 9:21 Rush back inside to check whether the water in the bathtub was turned off. 9:27 Double lock the door again and leave, this time getting as far as the car. 9:30 Run back upstairs to check whether all the gas jets were turned off. 9:36 Run back downstairs to the car. 9:38 Wonder whether you remembered to double lock the door this time. 9:40 Walk back upstairs and check the door. 9:45 Walk back downstairs, lean against the car, assume your Basic Facial Expression, mop your brow, and say in your Basic Tone of Voice: Listen, why dont you kids go ahead without me. All this rushing around has made me a little faint.
Test Problem
Think of a way to make your child help you out in the kitchen so you can occasionally sit down for ve minutes.
How to Leave the House for a Social Engagement That Begins at 8:00 P. M .41
Solution
Say to him in the presence of at least three other people:
So how come Naomis boy not only sets the table without being told, he also has dinner waiting when his mother comes back from shopping? This is known as The Neighbors-Model-Child Gambit.
Once you have mastered the art of Relaxation you may push on to the tiring but vital area of thrift.
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Tell me, mister, is this a good piece of rib steak? Yeah, lady.
IMPORTANT:
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If this has not left the desired impression, follow it up a few days later with a seeming contradiction:
Well, I nally broke down and did it. I bought something for myself. Good. What did you buy, Sylvia? I hated to spend the money, believe me, but today I bought a small roll of Scotch tape to hold my stockings together. Make a list of all nieces, nephews and cousins who are older than your children and who are apt to outgrow their clothes before wearing them out. If your children object to wearing these hand-me-downsif, for example, your son should show little enthusiasm for his cousin Sophies sweaters or mittenspoint out how thrilled a child in Europe would be to wear something as nice as that.
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not have a strong recommendation. When you take your child to the store, keep these important points in mind:
1. Never buy a color that will show the dirt. 2. Never buy a fabric that will wear out. 3. Never buy a style that will change. 4. Never buy a garment that tsit should always be two or three sizes too large so that the child can grow into it.1
The most efcient way to buy clothes for any child below the age of twentytwo is to utilize him merely as a dressmakers dummy and to address all questions about the t or the appearance of the garment directly to the salesman:2
Tell me, how does it t in the crotch? It looks pretty good from here, maam.
Should the child object to any garment that has been selected for him, ask the salesman if he talked to his mother like that when he was a boy. Never fear. The salesman will not let you down.
Quiz
Which of the following items should be saved and which thrown out? Check the appropriate boxes:
1 2
The child should never be allowed to feel that he looks well dressed. See The Third Person Invisible, p. 61.
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FIG . VIII :
TO
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(A) Enough length in sleeve to cover second knuckle. (B) Enough room in chest to permit wearing a couple sweaters or a little fattening up. (C) Enough room in hat to permit growth between haircuts. (D) Steadying hand to prevent falling and soiling new clothes.
48 1. Old apple cores Save Throw out 2. Empty Bufferin bottles Save Throw out 3. Empty aspirin tins Save Throw out 4. Used paper napkins Save Throw out 5. Used dental oss Save Throw out
Answers
1. Save; you could make applesauce. 2. Save; you may buy Bufferin some day when theyll be out of bottles. 3. Save; you could keep parts of old wristwatches in them. 4. Save; you could launder and re-use. 5. Save; you could use for sewing on buttons. When you feel you have mastered the area of Thrift, you may proceed to the next chapter on Education.
Marvin? Yeah? Your father and I have been talking. Yeah? We have come to a very important decision. Yeah? We have decided that you are no longer a baby. I mean, after all, youre graduating high school and pretty soon now you will have to decide what you want to do in life. Yeah? I just wanted to tell you that your father and I have decided not 49
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Practice Drill
Pretend that the living room armchair is your son on the day he is to receive his law degree. Go around the back of the chair, place your hands on both sides and say in your Basic Tone of Voice:
We want you to know we are very proud of you today, Marvin. Very proud. The only thing is, I thought I should tell you Papas very hurt that you dont want to go into the button business with him.
Test Question
If your son should study medicine, law or accounting, then what should your daughter study?
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Answer
Ballet, French, tap dancing, piano, and anything else that will enable her to meet a nice young man.
Now that you know how to cope with the area of Education, you are ready to tackle The Child Who Wants To Leave Home.
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DISTANCE
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After you have returned home, you may call up his professor or his employer, introduce yourself, tell him how tired your son looked to you when you saw him and suggest that he not be made to work so hard.
Test Problem
Your son has been offered a job in a New York advertising agency. New York is 150 miles away. The train to New York travels at the rate of 75 miles per hour. A lambchop defrosts completely in the average purse in two hours. Should you allow your son to take this job?
Solution
No. What kind of a life is this, to work in an advertising agency? Feh! Now that you have mastered The Child Who Wants To Leave Home, you may proceed to learn about Sex and Marriage.
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FIG . IX :
50 F)
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The Son
The Early Years
It is never too early to begin preparing your son for marriage. At the age of eight or nine, start to develop in him an appreciation for the good groom57
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ing habits which will help him to win the hand of a capable young woman in marriage:
Feh!Look at your earswhat girl in her right mind would ever marry a boy that has wax in his ears?
Stand up straight and dont slouchwhat girl in her right mind is going to marry a hunchback?1
The Son
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FIG . X : PROPER COACHING POSITION AT SON S FIRST SOCIAL ENCOUNTER WITH OPPOSITE SEX
Important: For optimum effectiveness in coaching and interpreting capacities, your Head (A) should form Right Angle as above with heads of Son (B) and Small Female Child (C).
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This girl, is she Jewish? Whats the familys name? What was it before?
The Son
She smokes cigarettes in moderation? She drinks liquor in moderation? What kind of a girl smokes cigarettes and drinks liquor?
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Does she like mashed potatoes? This form of address is known as The Third Person Invisible. Should your son ever decide to marry the girl, this device adapts very nicely to Basic Daughter-in-Law Technique, otherwise known as The I-Forget-Her-Name Gambit:
Is whats-her-nameis your wife coming over also? One word of warning: Should you for any reason disapprove of this young lady, take great pains to keep this fact from your son. Many young people today consider parental disapproval to be sufcient basis for marriage.
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FIG . XI :
DON T SLOUCH
K EY: - - - - - - -
The Son
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Speak to friends of yours who have daughters his age or a few years younger, or maybe even a few years older, and try to get the young people together. Pass the word around that your son, though a talented, intelligent and capable young man, is unable to nd a girl who will go out with him. Have your friends ask him regularly why a nice boy like that is not married. Also speak of the matter to your son. Perhaps the idea of marriage has merely slipped his mind. Remind him. Often. Joke about it in public to show that you arent taking the matter too seriously:
Excuse me. Mister. You talking to me, lady? This is my son, Marvin. So? Twenty-ve years old. A Masters Degree in Romance Languages.2 A careful driver. Tell me something condentially. Yeah? Would any young lady give her right arm to have a wonderful young man like that for a husband? Search me, lady. Yes or no?
Optional Additional Comment: Its only a shame he cant use all his romantic language to nd himself a wife.
2
64 I suppose yes.
Marvin, did you hear? Listen what the man is telling you.
Marvin. You intend to marry this girl? Yeah. Not so loud, Ma. Shes very pretty, Marvin. Yeah. Look, its not very polite to... Maybe even a little too pretty, you know what I mean? Ma, look... I hardly know what to tell you. ( PAUSE . FINISH SEWING THE BUTTON , BEGIN TO BITE OFF THE THREAD , STOP, STUDY THE END OF IT AND LOOK UP INTO HIS FACE ) Look, youre still so young. You know what I mean? Whats your big hurry to get married all of a sudden?
The Son
65
FIG . XII : PROPER POSITION FOR SEWING BUTTON ON SLEEVE OF SON WHO JUST ANNOUNCED HE IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
(A) Head shielded from view of sons anc ee to mask whispered remarks. (B) Grip on arm itself rather than sleeve. (C) Thread is minimum 180 lb. test.
66 Test Problem
Using The Neighbors-Model-Child Gambit, how would you convince your son to get married?
So how come Naomis boy is already married and hes three years younger?
You have now done all you can be expected to do for your Son. It is time to give some thought to your Daughter.
The Daughter
67
The Daughter
What to Do Before the Date (High School & College Phases)
If you have a daughter, you are fortunate in that you will be able to meet and personally evaluate all the young men who come to the house to take her away. Make sure your husband3 is wearing a shirt when the young man rings the bell. Greet the young man at the door. Appraise him closely from head to foot. Ask him the following:
Youre Jewish? Whats your familys name? What was it before? If the young man is driving a car, be sure and add these important queries:
You know how to drive? You have a drivers license? How fast do you drive?
3
68
Even if the young man has answered all your questions in a satisfactory manner, it is not a bad idea to frown, avert your head and sigh:
Ach, I dont like it, I tell you. You youngsters all drive like maniacs. Youll wind up in some ditch tonight, mark my words... ( PAUSE . SMILE , FROWNING ) All right, all rightgo, drive careful, and have a wonderful time. And Im going to worry myself sick about you, I promise you.
As they are about to go out the door, turn to your daughter and whisper loudly in her ear:
Stay all the way on the right side of the seat, if you know whats good for you.
The Daughter
69
FIG . XIII :
(A) Speaks a uent French. (B) Has naturally curly hair. (C) Had natural curly teeth straightened out. (D) Won 1st prize in the Queen Esther Contest. (E) Is maybe a tiny bit heavy in the bust (it runs in the family). (F) Has strong, capable hands for cooking, cleaning and sewing. (G) Since the age of 3, dances ballet like a regular Pavlov.
70
Calling attention to a slight imperfection often lends just the right note of credibility to your sales pitch. In any case, do not beat around the bush. The young man will appreciate your frankness. Be direct. Beg him to invite your daughter out...
Should the young man actually come to the house to take your daughter out, be sure to reassure him:
Youre not making a mistake, believe me. She refuses forty dates a week.
The Daughter
71
I want you should know my daughter cooked every bit of itshe wouldnt even let me in the kitchen. This is an ideal occasion to bring up your daughters cultural background:
Piano lessons we gave her, ballet, tap dancing, interpretive dancing, baton twirling. She draws, she paints, she sculpts, she speaks a uent French. Say something in French, darling. ( PAUSE ) What, already you forgot? Point out that a good cultural background makes for compatibility, which is more important in a marriage than romance:
Listen, youll come down off your cloud, this way youll have a basis. Youll speak French together, youll play the piano together, youll dance ballet togetheryoull have a basis.
How to Behave When You Discover Your Daughter Necking in the Living Room
Wait until the young man has gone home, go in to your daughters room and say to her as follows:
72
FIG . XIV : PROPER VISUALIZATION OF DAUGHTER AFTER SHE IS FOUND NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM .
The Daughter
Miriam. Oh, hi, Ma. Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there. Oh. Miriam, who taught you this? Oh, for Gods sake, Ma. Im a big girl now. Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the right thing. How could you do this to us? Ma, for Gods sake, I was only kissing... Do you know what your father will do when Ill tell him? Do you? No, but.. He will have a heart attack, thats what he will do. I promise you. Look, Ma, you dont have to tell... Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew. Look... For this I had to have your teeth straightened? For this I bought you contact lenses? For this I paid good money to have them teach you how to speak French? Ma... Ach, I dont know what to do with you. ( PAUSE ) My own daughter, a streetwalker. ( PAUSE ) If you have any consideration for your parents at all, youll do the only decent thing.
73
74 Whats that?
Youll leave this house and youll not come back until youre a virgin.
I want to tell you something very important. What? I have tried to be a good mother to you. I suppose I have failed. Oh, God. God knows how Ive suffered to bring you up properly, to teach you to take proper care of yourself, to stand up straightdont slouch when Im talking to youto give you nice clothes to wear, to give
The Daughter
you a decent education. What do I ask in returngratitude? Listen, gratitude I can do without, and I wouldnt get it anyway, you know it and so do I. Ma, for Gods... OK, OK, Im not complaining. All Im saying is this: Im not getting any younger. I would like to know before I die that you are married and happy and not alone in the world. I would, believe me, go into the cofn with a smile on my face to have seen and held on my lap a couple of grandchildren. What am I supposed to... All right, look. I know youve tried. Im not saying that. The thing is, maybe Ive been too critical of the young men youve gone out with. ( TO CEILING ): Is it a sin to want only the best for your children? ( TO DAUGHTER ) : What I am saying is this: Maybe its not so important you should marry only a professional man. Your father, after all, was in ladies buttons. So keep looking around, and if you should come across a nice young fellow and you should fall in love with him, and if he should also be in love with you, and ifmay the good Lord not burn out my tongue from my mouth for saying thisif this young man should not be a college graduate... all right... I say all right, go ahead and marry him! ( PAUSE . SOFTLY ): By that time, your father and I will probably both be dead anyway.
75
Test Problem
Using The Neighbors-Model-Child Gambit, how would you convince your daughter to get married?
So how come Naomis girl, who is three years younger and believe me no beauty, is already not only married but has two children and a station wagon?
If you have been successful in the area of Sex and Marriage, you will nd the next short chapter very useful.
1. They dont give him enough food. 2. He looks exactly like Miriam when she was a baby. 3. They dont give him enough fresh air. 4. He looks exactly like his Aunt Gertrude. 5. They dont give him enough rest. 6. He looks exactly like old man Finklestein. 7. They dont give him enough attention. 8. I have promised myself faithfully to not interfere in the raising of that child. After all, hes their son, and they are intelligent youngsters. All right, so theyll make a few mistakes. Theyll learn. ( PAUSE ) I only hope it will not be too late. 77
78
FIG . XV : CHART FOR POINTING OUT RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN BABY AND OLD MAN FINKLESTEIN .
Final Exercise
As soon as the little sweetheart is able to comprehend you, begin to supplement his mothers training techniques with adaptations of the skills you learned in the preceding chapters. For example, if the child seems at all reluctant to Eat His Food, see how inventive you can be in improvising a Neighbors-Model-Grandchild Gambit.
(NOTE: For a helpful explanation of some of the technical terms used in this text, you may consult the following comprehensive Glossary.)
Glossary of Terms
a nice boy: A young man who owns his own car. a good boy: A young man who owns his own car and brings his dates mother candy. a ne boy: A young man who owns his own car, brings his dates mother candy, and studies medicine. basis: (As in With her you would have a real basis for a marriage) She sculpts, but she is ugly. bum: A young man who does not call for a girl at her home but arranges to meet her somewhere. bathing: Swimming. capable: (As in Shes a very capable girl) Shes an excellent cook. Oi, but shes ugly. chorus girl: Anyone who wears too much makeup. complaining: What a Jewish Mother is not doing. coronary: Upper middle class heart attack.
79
80
Glossary of Terms
Cousins Club: All the relatives get together on a Sunday night, smoke cigars, play gin rummy and complain. culture: (Active mood) Playing a musical instrument, painting a picture, writing a play, speaking a foreign language other than Yiddish. (Passive mood) Knowing somebody who does these things. disposition: (As in She has an excellent disposition) She dont bite, but shes still ugly. drunkard: Anybody who accepts your offer of an alcoholic beverage. Feh! : Fie! foolishness, a lot of: Anything not directly related to the care of the family, the household or a profession. for later: (As in Take a little spongecake for later) To be eaten within the next two weeks. goniff : Rascal; rufan; reprobate; rotter (See roughneck). gratitude: What a Jewish Mother does not expect. heart attack: Lower middle class coronary. hunchback: Anybody who does not stand up as straight as a Marine recruit. makes a living: He could support a wife and a couple of children. makes a nice appearance: He wears a double breasted suit. nourishing: Fattening. pig: Anyone who does not take small bites when eating. poison: What a Jewish Mother is not trying to feed you.
81 properly: Just as youre told. roughneck: Anybody who talks back to his mother or does not wash properly behind the ears. scarecrow: Anybody who weighs less than 250lb. sensible: Out of fashion. shameful waste: Throwing out a teabag after using it only once. sliver: Any portion of food smaller than a breadbox. substantial: Wealthy. swimming: Bathing. The Evil Eye: What you should not know from. The Outside: The Great Unknown; anything not in the home. tramp: Feminine of bum; any girl who lets a boy kiss her on the mouth. tube: What they will have to feed you through if you dont eat properly. unmarried surgeon: The answer to a Jewish Mothers prayer. wash down: (As in Take a little bread to wash down the spongecake.) To keep it company in your stomach. younger: What a Jewish Mother is not getting any.
Please turn the page for a nal message from the one person who made this entire study possible.
82
Glossary of Terms
Believe me, I wouldnt spoil your fun for a minute, but if you had not spent the money on this book and sent it instead to Asia, a needy child could have had six nourishing meals.
83
Index
A & P, the, 28, 44 a ne boy, 79 a good boy, 79 a nice boy, 79 a nice young man, 51 accepting compliments, 32 accounting, studying, 50 advertising agency, working in, unacceptability of, 54 Al, your husband, 26, 27, 44 alone in the world, 75 aluminum foil, 37 used, 44 answers, 48, 51, 54 applesauce jars, 44 Arabs, 28 art of Jewish Motherhood, properly practised, 11 ashtrays, emptying, proper form for, 29 Asia, needy children in, 83 astronauts, 28 Aunt Gertrude, 77 authors mother, 9, 83 babies deprivation of attention, 77 deprivation of fresh air, 77 deprivation of rest, 77 non-interference in the raising of, 77 starvation of, 77 bad experience the best teacher, 12 ballet, 51, 71 barber, Italian, capacity for being a Jewish mother, 11 basic Facial Expression, 14, 40, 74 philosophizing, 11 sacrices to make for your child, 15 techniques daughter-in-law, 61 of Jewish motherhood, 11 of suffering, 14 theory, 11 Tone of Voice, 14, 40 basis, 71, 79 for marriage, 61 bathing, 79, see swimming bathing, 37 baton twirling, 71 beans, string, 22 becoming a colored person, 31 Jew, 31 beef corned, 37 roast brisket of, bread with, 22 stew, bread with, 22 beets, 22 Bernstein, Leonard, 31 between-meal treats, 21 Bolshoi Ballet, the, 28
84
Index
boy a ne, 79 a good, 79 a nice, 79 bread, 22, 37, 81 to wash it down, 20 with beef stew, 22 boiled chicken, 22 everything, 19 fried chicken , 22 lambchops, 22 macaroni, 22 pressed duck, 22 rib steak, 22 roast brisket of beef, 22 strawberry ice cream, 19 turkey, 22 veal cutlets, 22 bum, 79 cakes, 21 calling your childs professor or employer, 54 candies, 21 candy, 35, 36 bringing dates mother, 79 cans, soup, 44 capable, 9, 58, 63 Audrey Hepburn, 31 cardboard packing inserts, corrugated, 44 cardinal rule, the Jewish mothers, 13 carrots, 22, 37 Carson, Johnny, 35 Castro, Fidel, 28 Catskills, the, 74 celery, 22, 37 chicken, 20, 21, 37
85
boiled, bread with, 22 feathers, 20 fried, bread with, 22 livers, 33 third helpings of, 20 children basic sacrices to make for your, 15 controlling through guilt, 13 daily beating of, 13 sighing at, 13 dating, 15 in the street, 58 leaving home, 22 the Jewish mothers guide to, 53 making them feel secure, 15 needy, in Asia, 83 the black day they can get along without you, 11 China dinner plates, need for replacing with plastic, 54 chopped liver, 32 chops, lamb, bread with, 22 chorus girls, 79 cigars, 31 Cincinnati Reds, the, 32 Club, Cousins, 80 cofn, the, 75 college graduates, 75 colored person, becoming a, 31 Common Market, the, 28 complaining, 80 not, 79 compliments accepting, 32 paying, 32 in an emergency, 32 composition, 25
86
contest, Queen Esther, 70 cookies, 21, 37 Cooper, Alice, 31 corn, 22 corned beef, 37 coronary, 79, 80, see heart attack corrugated cardboard packing inserts, 44 Cousins Club, 80 cripple, see hunchback, see posture crippling effects of slouching, 58 cultural background, 71 culture, 80 current events, how to discuss, 27 cutlets, veal, bread with, 22 daily sighing, 13 suffering, 13 dancing interpretive, 71 tap, 71 dancing, tap, 25, 51 darning socks, 31 dating, 60 post-graduate the son, 61 tolerating the girlfriend, 15 daughter-in-law good material, 61 technique, basic, 61 Davis, Sammy, Jr., 31 death smiling in, 75 your husbands impending, 75 your impending, 75 Death of a Salesman, Henry Miller, 31 defrosting lambchops, 53 denial, 15 dinner
Index
with your daughters boyfriend, 71 dinner plates: China vs. plastic, 54 dinners TV , 31 with your sons girlfriend, 61 disposition, excellent, 80 drawing, 71 drills, practice, 14, 18, 22, 25, 27, 32, 33, 3537, 40, 45, 50, 54 drinking alcoholic beverages, 80 liquor in moderation, 61 Dristan, 14 driving, like maniacs, 68 drunkard, 80 duck, pressed, bread with, 22 earmuffs, 54 ears importance of washing behind, 81 wax in, 58 eating habits of pigs, 80 economy importance of, 43 vs. quality, 43 education the Jewish mothers guide to, 49 employer, calling your childs, 54 emptying ashtrays, proper form for, 29 engaged, when your son becomes, 64 enjoying yourself at somebody elses home, 36 at the beach, 37 when nobody but your husband is present, 36 when nobody is present, 36
Index
when others are present, 35 entertaining, the Jewish mothers guide to, 25 everything, bread with, 19 Evil Eye, The, 12, 81 excelsior, 44 exhortation, 14, 15 experience, bad, the best teacher, 12 Expression, Facial, Basic, 14, 40, 74 extrasensory perception, 31 Facial Expression, Basic, 14, 40, 74 family, the, 32, 80 fattening, 80, see nourishing feathers, chicken, 20 feeding through a tube, 22 Feh!, 28, 54, 58, 80 ancee, your sons, 64 Finklestein, old man, 77, 78 rst helpings, 17 food distribution, the Jewish mothers guide to, 17 foolishness, a lot of, 32, 80 for later, 80 chicken, 21 wax paper, 21 Ford, Gerald, 28 foreign language, speaking a, 80 foreword, by the authors mother, 9 Fort Lauderdale, 74 French, 51, 71 fruit, 21 Gagarin, Yuri, 28 galoshes, 54 gambits The I-Forget-Her-Name, 61 The Neighbors-Model-Child, 41, 66, 75 The Neighbors-ModelGrandchild,
87
78 gastritis, severe, 14 gay liberation, from housework, 31 Gertrude, Aunt, 77 getting good marks in school, 60 gift-giving, 14 girdle, 36 girlfriend, your sons dinner with, 61 disapproving of, 61 tolerating, 15 girls, chorus, 79 glossary of terms, 79 gloves, 54 goniff, 80 good fortune, impoverishing effects of, 12 grandchildren, 75, 77, see also babies grandmotherhood the Jewish mothers guide to, 77 grapes, 22 gratitude applied, 12 not expected, 75, 80 grooming habits, good, helpfulness in courtship, 58 guilt, 13 controlling, 13 cultivating, 13 harvesting, 13 planting, 13 through between-meal treats, 21 fainting from fatigue, 15 gift-giving, 14 preparation of chicken, 20 reference to privation in Europe, 20 sacrice, 15, 33 self-denial, 15
88
spending money, 33 Hadassah, 25 hats, 54 health through eating, 21 heart attack, 73, 79, 80, see coronary helpings rst, 17 second, 1719 third, 19, 20 Hepburn, Audrey, 31 homosexual, God forbid your son should be, 61 household, a, 32 household, the, 80 hunchback, see cripple, see posture hunchbacks, 58, 80 husband clothes off, taking your, 36 nding a suitable, 31 kissing your, 36 I-Forget-Her-Name Gambit, The, 61 ICBM, 31 inserts, corrugated cardboard packing, 44 insurance, crippling effects of, 12 interpretive dancing, 71 introductions, 58 Invisible, The Third Person, 21, 46, 61 Irish waitress, capacity for being a Jewish mother, 11 ironing, 36 Italian barber, capacity for being a Jewish mother, 11 Ivory, 37 jars, applesauce, 44 Jew, becoming a, 31
Index
Jewish is daughters boyfriend?, 67 is sons girlfriend?, 60 man, old, 26, 27 Mother, 7981 Cardinal Rule, 13 guide to children leaving home, 53 guide to education, 49 guide to entertaining, 25 guide to food distribution, 17 guide to grandmotherhood, 77 guide to relaxation, 35 guide to sex and marriage, 57 guide to thrift, 43 not getting any younger, 81 Motherhood art of, properly practised, 11 basic techniques of, 11 unnecessary to be, 11 Jolson, Al, 35, 36 kissing on the mouth, 73, 81 Kissinger, Henry, 28 know from, what you should not, 81 lambchops, 53, 54 bread with, 22 defrosting, 53 landing on the moon, 28 language, speaking a foreign, 80 last word, by the authors mother, 83 later, for, see for later law, studying, 50 leaving home children, the Jewish Mothers guide to, 53 the house, 37 letter, 22
Index
Letterman, David, 31 liberation, gay, from housework, 31 liver, chopped, 32 living, making a, 80 mailing tubes, 44 malted milkshake, 70 man, a nice young, 51 Marine recruit, posture of, 80 market the A & P, 28 the Common, 28 marriage, 57, 58 basis for, 61 joking about, 63 preparing your son for dinner with the girlfriend, 61 the college phase, 60 the early years, 57 the rst encounter, 58 the high school phase, 60 reminding your son of, often, 63 the Jewish mothers guide to sex and, 57 Marvin, your son, 12, 14, 21, 25, 33, 58, 61 Maximum Allowable Distance, 53 meals basket lunch, 37 cooking, 31 nourishing, 83 TV dinners, 31 mealtime strategy, 17 meatloaf, 37 medicine, studying, 50, 79 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith, 31 milkshake, malted, 70 Miller, Henry, Death of a Salesman, 31 mint, 21
89
Miriam, your daughter, 25, 50, 73, 77 Moment of Truth, 19 moon, landing on, 28 Moore, Mary Tyler, 31 mother authors, 9, 83 unnecessary to be, 11 Motherhood basic techniques of Jewish, 11 Jewish art of, properly practised, 11 music, beautiful, 33 musical instrument, playing a, 80 Nader, Ralph, 28 Naomis boy, 41, 66 girl (no beauty), 76 necking, your daughter, in the living room, 71 Neighbors-Model-Child Gambit, 41, 66, 75, 78 Neighbors-Model-Grandchild Gambit, 78 neighbors, 73 nourishing, 80, see fattening nuts, 21 old man Finklestein, 77, 78 onions, 33 Outside, The, 22, 81 packing inserts, corrugated cardboard, 44 painting, 71 a picture, 80 Palm Springs, 74 paying compliments, 32 peas, 22 perception, extrasensory, 31 philosophizing
90
basic, 11 when anything bad happens, 12 good happens, 12 piano, 25, 51 lessons, 71 pickles, 37 sour, 21 picture, painting a, 80 pig, eating habits of, 80 planning for the future by saving, 44 plastic dinner plates, need for replacing with China, 54 slipcovers, 54 play, writing a, 80 playing a musical instrument, 80 poise, developing your sons, 58 poison, 17, 80 Polaris, 28 pollution, 31 poorhouse being sent to, by sons good fortune, 12 post-graduate dating the son, 61 posture, see cripple, see hunchback potatoes, 17, 18 chips, 37 mashed, 61 salad, 37 practice drills, 14, 18, 22, 25, 27, 32, 33, 3537, 40, 45, 50, 54 prayer, answer to a Jewish mothers, 81 pregnancy Ediths, 28 pressed duck, bread with, 22 pretzels, 37 problems, test, 33, 40, 54
Index
profession, a, 32, 75, 80, 83 professor, calling your childs, 54 properly, 81 punched cards, 31 quality vs. economy, 43 Queen Esther contest, 70 questions, test, 50 rags, 44 reds, in Cincinnati, 32 relaxation at somebody elses home, 36 at the beach, 37 importance of regular, 35 the Jewish mothers guide to, 35 when nobody but your husband is present, 36 when nobody is present, 36 when others are present, 35 Rhoda, 31 rib roast, price of, 28 steak, 43 bread with, 22 Rockefeller, Nelson, 28 roughnecks, 81 fooling with, 12 sacrices basic, 15 salami, 21 sale merchandise, 43 buying, 43 not buying, 43 sandwiches, 22 tuna salad, 37 saving, 44 scarecrow, 22, 81 Frank Sinatra, 31 sculpting, 71
Index
second helpings, 1719 seltzer, 37 sensible, see out of fashion sex, 57 the Jewish mothers guide to, and marriage, 57 shameful waste, 81 shoes, 35 sigh, the daily, 13 Sinatra, Frank, 31 sinus cavities, undrained, 14 sissies, 28, 31, 61 slipcovers, plastic, 54 sliver, 17, 81 slouching, 58, 74 crippling effects of, 58 smoking, 31 smoking cigarettes in moderation, 61 social engagements, 37 socks, darning, 31 solutions, 33, 41, 48, 51, 54 son preparing your, for marriage dinner with the girlfriend, 61 the college phase, 60 the early years, 57 the rst encounter, 58 the high school phase, 60 son-in-law not a college graduate, 75 soup cans, 44 sour pickles, 21 sparrows, 31 speaking a foreign language, 80 spinach, 22, 37 Spock, Dr., 31 spongecake, 37, 80, 81 steak rib, 43
91
rib, bread with, 22 stew, beef, bread with, 22 story, funny, how to tell a, 25 strategy, mealtime, 17 streetwalker, your own daughter a, 73 string beans, 22 substantial, see wealthy suffering basic technique of, 14 daily, 13 sunglasses, 37 sunstroke, protecting from, 37 sweaters, 54 swimming, 79, see bathing Taking Steps, 61 tap dancing, 25, 51, 71 tape recorder, use of, in practice drills, 14 techniques basic daughter-in-law, 61 of Jewish motherhood, 11 of suffering, 14 mastery penalty for failing, 11 reward for succeeding, 11 terms, glossary of, 79 test problems, 33, 40, 54 questions, 50 theory, basic, 11 thermonuclear war, 28 Thermos, of seltzer, 37 third helpings, 19, 20 of chicken, 20 Third Person Invisible, The, 21, 46, 61
92
thrift the Jewish mothers guide to, 43 tomato, 22, 37 Tone of Voice, Basic, 14, 40 tramp, 81 treats, between meal, 21 troublemakers (the Cincinnati Reds), 32 tube, 81 feeding through a, 22 mailing, 44 tuberculosis, 22 tuna salad sandwiches, 37 turkey, bread with, 22 TV dinners, 31 twirling, baton, 71 uglyiness, 79, 80 unmarried surgeons, 81 veal cutlets, bread with, 22 Vermeeer, 68 violin, 25, 33 virgin, leaving the house until a, 74 visiting the child who has left home, 53 Voice, Tone of, Basic, 14, 40 waitress, Irish, capacity for being a Jewish mother, 11 war, thermonuclear, 28 wash down, 81 watermelon, 22 wax in ears, 58 paper, 21 wife, your sons, 61 working to hard, 54 world, alone in the, 75 writing a play, 80 Yiddish, 80
Index
young man, a nice, 51 younger (a Jewish mother is not getting any), 75, 81