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Sherlock Holmes Reviews

The Case of the Ghostly Accident W H Oxley Copyright 2 1! " # $xley By the same author Steam % #anging &ob #itler's (anner %n %ccidental )illionaire

***** + can recall many strange and exiting ad,entures with my -riend Sherlock #olmes. but only one occasion on which he was called upon to re,iew a book. +t was in the year that he reco,ered the crown /ewels belonging to the 0ing o- )olda,ia. and a short time a-ter %lbert Sparrow the notorious cat burglar was -inally apprehended. though not. alas. be-ore he had stolen at least -i,e hundred cats. )y wi-e being away -or a -ew days ,isiting an aunt in 1yme 2egis. + had decided to drop in on my old -riend. +t was a pleasant autumn day. and the light bree3e barely ru--led the golden lea,es o- the plane trees that shone brightly in the sunlight as + strolled the short distance -rom Paddington to (aker Street. crossing the Edgware 2oad within the sight o- the spot where the notorious 4yburn 4ree once stood. %s + approached my -ormer lodgings. a brougham that had been parked outside rattled away in the direction o- $x-ord Street. 5othing had changed. 4he room was as untidy as e,er. the coal scuttle containing the pipes and tobacco stood upon the hearth. the scienti-ic charts hung on the wall next to the ,iolin and #olmes was lounging in his usual chair by the -ire. 6%h. "atson.' he murmured. as (illy the page showed me in. 6it is indeed pro,idential that your wi-e is ,isiting 1yme 2egis. -or + am in need o- your opinion about these.' #e held up a shea- o- papers. 6(ut how did you know7' + e/aculated. 6Elementary8 9our wi-e would ne,er allow you to lea,e the house with a co--ee stain on your cra,at. and so it is ob,ious that she was not at break-ast this morning. meaning that her ,isit entails an o,ernight stay. and + seem to recall you mentioning an aunt in 1yme 2egis who was unwell:' 6(ut what i- my wi-e was in hospital; 4hat would mean7' 6)y dear "atson. you would not be looking so cheer-ul i- that were the case.' 69our powers o- deduction ne,er cease to ama3e me. #olmes. but who was the client that has /ust departed;' 69ou did not recognise him;' 6+ caught but a -leeting glimpse o- a top hat.' 6+t was the prime minister.' 6"hy. is the country in peril;' 65ot any longer. #e merely came to thank me -or sol,ing his little problem.' 6+'m surprised he did not o--er you a knighthood.' 6#e did. 5aturally. + re-used it... (ut let us get down to more important matters. "hat do you make o- these;' #e tossed the papers o,er to me. and watched with some amusement as + read through them. 6<ood grie-8' + e/aculated. 64his is a -orgery8' 65ot a -orgery. "atson. a pastiche.' 6(ut the bounder claims that this rubbish was written by me8' 6Calm yoursel-. my dear -ellow. #e makes no such claim. #is name. 4ed Stetson. is clearly written upon it as the author. %nd it would be un-air to call his work rubbish as. notwithstanding a -ew minor -laws. it has been well written. #ere. try one o- these excellent cigars while + throw another log on the -ire. and then let us sit down together and analyse this ,ery worthy e--ort by an %merican gentleman.'

6#ow do you know the author is an %merican; +s it because he has a goat leading a patient across the road. is that the sort o- thing they do o,er there;' 6+t is not a goat. "atson. + would deduce that the word he was searching -or was nurse.' 64hen why did he not say so;' 6#e probably thought nanny sounded more (ritish. not realising that only the ,ery wealthiest -amilies in the land employ a nanny to look a-ter their children and. as you correctly pointed out. the only type o- nanny normally to be -ound in the Camden 4own area o- 1ondon would be a goat.' 64he working classes sometimes re-er to grandmothers as nannies. perhaps it was the grandmother.' #e wa,ed his cigar dismissi,ely. 64he woman was pregnant= the child had not yet been born.' 6(ut it still does not pro,e that the writer is %merican.' 69ou will obser,e that he mistakenly re-ers to The Times as the London Times.' 6+ grant you that the writer is a -oreigner. but why %merican;' 6)ay + draw your attention to the -act that in the writer's ,ersion o- e,ents. we dri,e to >r Sinclair's o--ice as opposed to his practice. and that when we arri,e there we are shown into. not his surgery or consulting room but his pri,ate o--ice 7 and by a nurse?receptionist no less; 9ou. my dear "atson. ha,e a modestly success-ul practice in one o- the better parts o- this great city o- -i,e million souls. but would you e,er consider employing the ser,ices o- a nurse?receptionist.' 6<ood lord no8 $ne o- the ser,ants will show the patients into my surgery.' 6Precisely8 >octor's o--ice. nurse?receptionist= pretty conclusi,e e,idence. "atson. would you not agree;' 6+t would appear so. +s there anything else;' 6&ust a -ew tri-les:' #olmes sat back and pu--ed away at his cigar. sending clouds osmoke dri-ting up to the nicotine stained ceiling as his deep intelligent eyes took on a dreamy look. 6@unny money.' he said at last. 6+ take it that you are re-erring to the pound notes;' 6Exactly8 "ell spotted. "atson. "e'll make a detecti,e o- you yet. 4he smallest note issued by the (ank o- England is -i,e poundsA one pound is a gold so,ereign. 4hough + cannot imagine the circumstances in which anyone would tip a cab dri,er two o- them. enough -or one hundred and twenty pints o- beer. when a hal- crown would be more than adeBuate. %lso. there is one other detail that suggests the writer comes -rom a classless society such as %merica.' 6"hich is;' 6Surely. "atson. you would ne,er dream o- addressing anyone who was not a gentleman or a patient as mister. yet here you are to be -ound doing /ust that to a 1ondon cab dri,er. and would you e,er address another gentleman. let alone a -riend such as >r Sinclair. as Cmy good manD;' 6Certainly not8' 6%mericans ha,e no idea how our class system -unctions. or the rules o- etiBuette that go,ern it. @urthermore. whilst 1estrade has been known on rare occasions to address me as #olmes instead o- )r #olmes he would ne,er be so discourteous as to re-er to you and + as Cyou twoD 7 that is the language o- the (ronx. %nd there. my dear "atson. + rest my case:' #a,ing by now become well acBuainted with my -riend's -ondness -or keeping something up his slee,e in order to produce it later like a con/urer. + asked. 6+s there any other point to which you would wish to draw my attention;' 6$nly to the curious detail o- the missing guys:' 6<uys; >o you mean that the e,ents took place on (on-ire 5ight;'

65ot on <uy @awkes 5ight itsel-. "atson. but a -ew days earlier. the thirtyE-irst o$ctober to be precise.' 6#ow do you deduce that;' 6Snap8' 6+ beg your pardon;' 6Snap %pple 5ight.' 6"hat on Earth is that;' 6%n %merican name -or #alloween. though + do belie,e that the term is also used in some parts o- the Celtic -ringe o- this great realm o- ours 7 perhaps the gentleman con-used 1ondon with 1ondonderry.' 6So that's why those young hooligans were not asking -or a penny -or the guy8' 6Precisely8 4hey were 4rick or 4reating. an %merican tradition. and the -inal proo- that this manuscript was written in the FS%. Perhaps one day that little ritual will cross the %tlantic and catch on o,er here. but + think you will agree with me that in our present day and age no nati,e born 1ondoner has e,er heard o- it.' 6So. what are we to do;' 6#mm:' )y -riend placed his -inger tips together and pursed his lips. + knew better to than to interrupt him when he was deep in thought. "hen at last he spoke. there was a twinkle in his eye. 6"ell. "atson. + think you will agree with me that with so many little errors we could hardly award it -our stars. but on the other hand the story is a good one. he correctly re-ers to a solicitor as opposed to an attorney and the dialogue is better than one would normally expect -rom one o- our %merican cousins: 9ou -rown. "atson. but surely in all -airness you must admit that it is no worse than your attempts at reproducing %merican dialogue in say The Dancing Men or The Three Garridebs;' 6#umph8' 6+n that case. + take it you will ha,e no ob/ection to me awarding )r 4ed Stetson three stars;' 69es. but what are you going to do about the crime that has been committed here;' 6+ would hardly call it a crime 7 a misdemeanour perhaps:' 6Shouldn't we report it to the o--icial police;' 69ou know my methods. "atson. 4his would not be the -irst time + ha,e condoned a -elony. (esides. it is only the Smashwords site that we are dealing with.' 6+ don't Buite -ollow you;' 64hanks to the wonders o- the telegraphic age. )r Stetson has ample opportunity to make the necessary alterations be-ore unleashing his book upon the world. and since this re,iew will only be appearing on Smashwords. the rest o- humanity will be none the wiser. "ho knows. perhaps a re,iewer at one o- the other retailers will award him -our. or e,en -i,e. stars -or this ,ery worthy e--ort:' "ithout another word he leant -orward and pressed the bell. 4he pageboy was in the room in less than a minute. 69ou rang. )r #olmes;' 6(illy. run this re,iew o,er to Smashwords and ask them to place it next to )r Stetson's book.' %s soon as (illy had departed. #olmes slumped down into his chair. closed his eyes and assumed the bored expression that meant that he would soon be resorting to his usual means o- stimulation. 6#olmes.' + leaned -orward and touched him lightly on the elbow. 6#mmm:' #e opened his eyes. 6"hat is it. "atson;' 6#olmes. not the cocaine : please. not the cocaine:'

6<ood old "atsonA always concerned about my wel-are. #a,e no -ear. + will not be resorting to cocaine. + was /ust thinking o- 5ellie )elba.' 69ou mean the %ustralian opera singer;' 64he ,ery same. She is appearing tonight in Rigoletto at Co,ent <arden. "hat say you that we send (illy out to procure us a pair o- tickets when he returns -rom his mission;' 6+t sounds like a splendid idea.' + agreed. 6Excellent: %h8 +- + am not mistaken that is the distincti,e sound o- his boots upon the stair : and a little more hurried than usual:' (illy marched into the room in a state o- great indignation. 64hey wouldn't take it. sir8' %ll trace o- boredom ,anished -rom #olmes's -eatures in an instant. and he was as alert as a hound that scents a -ox. 6"ho wouldn't take what. (illy;' 6Smashwords. sir. 4hey say we ha,e to pay )r Stetson money i- we want to re,iew his book.' 6"e ha,e to pay to re,iew his book8' + e/aculated. 6Con-ound the -ellow8 #e deser,es to be horsewhipped8' 64ut tut. "atson.' #olmes raised a hand. 69ou can't go around horsewhipping %mericans. +t might pro,oke them into in,ading Canada.' 6"ell what would you propose that we do. burn the "hite #ouse again;' 6+ do not belie,e. "atson. that our belo,ed prime minister. who but an hour ago sat upon that ,ery same chair upon which you now sit. would be -a,ourably disposed to your suggestion. 4here is always a simple solution to a problem. and it has always been my beliethat when one has eliminated the impossible 7 and + am sure that you would agree that burning the "hite #ouse -alls within that category 7 then only the improbable remains. 4here are certain peculiarities about this case that make it worthy o- -urther in,estigation.' 6Such as;' 69ou will obser,e. "atson. that )r Stetson's beha,iour has been somewhat erratic. $n Saturday he publishes a book -ree on Smashwords. at nine o'clock on )onday morning + had no trouble obtaining my -ree copy. and yet by 4uesday a-ternoon. when we submit our re,iew. the book is no longer -ree and we are expected to pay a >ollar to re,iew it= ob,iously something occurred on Sunday or )onday to bring about the change.' 6$r 4uesday. it could ha,e been today. +t was late a-ternoon when we tried send in our re,iew.' 6%h. but )r Stetson resides in $regon.' 6+ don't Buite -ollow...' 64he time di--erence. "atson= it is a-ternoon here but break-ast time in $regon. 4here-ore. + think we can sa-ely conclude that whate,er it was that pro,oked the gentleman's sudden change o- mind it happened yesterday or earlier. Something that made him belie,e he was holding an item o- exceptional ,alue in his hands;' 6"hy exceptional ,alue;' 64o charge at a rate o- one cent -or thirty words. ten times the normal price. -or a story that he considered to be worthless a day earlier suggests that something brought about a rapid increase in ,alue. and i- + am to unra,el this mystery + must disco,er what that something was.' 6"ho can tell. #olmes; )aybe he saw it in the stars.' 6(y &o,e. "atson. + think you ha,e it8' )y -riend leapt to his -eet and began pacing the room wa,ing the Egyptian cigarette he was smoking and scattering ash all o,er the carpet. + could hear him murmuring to himsel6the stars' but not -or the li-e o- me could + comprehend how either astronomy or astrology could possibly throw any light upon the sub/ect. @inally. + could take no more. 6"hat the >e,il ha,e the stars got to do with it;' + e/aculated.

6E,erything. "atson. e,erything:' #e stopped pacing the room. sat down once more in his chair and smiled enigmatically. 6"hen this book -irst came to my attention on Saturday there was not a star to be seen. but by )onday morning there were three little gold stars next to it= somebody had re,iewed it on Sunday.' 6"as it a good re,iew;' 6+t was -air. but the re,iewer had suggested keeping the plot and eliminating me. which is what prompted me to write my own re,iew= + ha,e no desire to be eliminated. 4he three star re,iew ob,iously con,inced the )r Stetson that the book had good sales potential. and thus he decided to make money -rom it.' 6#umph. the -ellow is ob,iously not a gentleman8' 6%mericans are not gentlemen. "atson. which is why they will almost certainly rule the world one day.' 62eally. #olmes8 4hat is going too -ar8 + know that you ha,e an un-ortunate tendency to be sentimental about them. but as long as (ritannia rules the wa,es and the (ritish Empire remains intact we can rest assured that they will remain sa-ely con-ined to the other side othe %tlantic.' 6<ood old "atson8 9ou are the one -ixed point in a changing age.' @or a moment his -eatures so-tened. and + was grati-ied to catch a glimpse o- the true -eelings he -elt towards me. but the hard mask o- logic returned to his -ace and he became once again a cold calculating machine. 6"e ha,e disco,ered the moti,e. "atson. but we ha,e yet to sol,e the problem.' 6#a,e we; + thought we had.' 65o. we still ha,e to get our re,iew o- )r Stetson's oeu,re onto Smashwords without ha,ing to pay them. +t is Buite a three pipe problem. but + think perhaps the ,iolin may be osome assistance in speeding up my mental process.' + sat back and listened as #olmes played the Stradi,arius worth at least three hundred guineas that he'd purchased at a pawnbroker's in the 4ottenham Court 2oad -or -i-ty shillings. %-ter an hour the music ceased. and without saying a word he put down the ,iolin and rang -or (illy. 69ou ha,e -ound a solution;' + asked. 6+ ha,e indeed:' 4hen saying no more. he sat back with an enigmatic smile and commenced -illing one ohis pipes with the dark hea,y shag to which he was so partial. %s soon a (illy entered. he care-ully wrote at the top o- the re,iew= Sherlock #olmes 2e,iews The Case of the Ghostly Accident and handed it to the pageboy. 62un this o,er to Smashwords. (illy. and ask them to publish it as a book.' 6$- course8' + e/aculated. 64he answer was simplicity itsel-= i- it's a re,iew you ha,e to pay. but i- it is published as a book it is -ree.' 6Exactly8' 6(ut that's brilliant8' 65ot brilliant:' he took a pu-- at his pipe. 6elementary. my dear "atson. elementary.'