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TME

Cheaper Than a kuneh!

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©
1
OF CONTE
FEATURES|
Advisor's Column 3
A Play Review on Steroids 4
A Peek Behind the Red Curtain 6
Backstagers 8 Mr. Evil Jim Pastore
Futeca Girl Soccer Team 9 Advisor
The Annual Science Fair 10 Bubba Manson
Student Council 12 Mad hatter
Meet the Sophomores 14 Psycho Spanky Pabon
The Puzzle Page 15
Muscles

■■^■■I^^Hreal lifeI ■
Benjamin Enrique Baldizon
The Brains of the Pulse
World Cup France 98 16 Jaime Brown
Dreams
18 Next Agatha Christie
Frank Lloyd Wright 19 Roberto Castaiier
The Unicorn 20 Sportsman of the year
Why? InbalMazar
21
Welcome to Disneyland, a Place for Kids 22
Poetic Genius

A Moment of Triumph LuisaMeyerman


24 Mascot
^^^^■^^Mi SURVAYS ■I Kyung Ro
Toilet Paper 25 Disney Consultant
Do Men Understand Women? 26 PaulO'Sullivan
The Question from Hell 28 Skateboarding
The Question from Hell II 30 Sebastian Strzalkowski
REVIEWS Vault of Weird Ideas
GuerraGaucha 32
Naked Ape Valle
Nudity
Everything You Need to Know About Life, and
More.
34
Who are the Toadies? 37
BUY ISSUE
^■^■^H CREATIVE WRITTING ■ THREE OF
Spanish Poetry 38
Maya Libs 42 THE PUUt
132 Different Phrases 45
Killer Cookie Guys in a Small Town 46
Work, Don't Make me Come Slap you! 49 THANK YOU
"...And now, the Continuation to B.S." 52
"...With the Sky clear and Blue- 54
FOR
Black and White
The Boy
56 SUPPORTING
58
A Not So Scary Halloween Story 60 THE
Sophomoric Mysteries II. 62
'*"'■ STUDENT'S
■I
Cartoons From the Art Department 64 VOICE
Join the Marilyn Manson Family
25935 Detroit RD. Suite #329
Westlake, Ohio 44145

10
Well, another year has come and class that I can then put in the magazine!
gonc.was 19% REALLY that short, or does Nothing like the knowledge that several
it just seem that way? And how in tarnation HUNDRED people are going to be reading
did we ever get done so much in just one cal your work to get those old "juices jangling",
endar year? (of course, teachers talk about a to paraphrase the great Negro Leagues base
"year" as beginning in August, and ending in ball pitcher Satchel Paige.
June, which can cause some interesting mix- The REAL great part is being able to pro
ups in communication when talking with vide a place for student writers to publish
adults from the "rest" of the world, who run their work, whether it be class work or
on a more "traditional" calendar, January to something that the student has done on their
December...how "blase"!!!). own for personal satisfaction. This issue has
Think about all of the things, events and a variety of works of creative writing: sci
activities that took place "last" year... ence and fantasy fiction; poetry in both Eng
"FAME" , "100 Years of Broadway" and lish and Spanish; and personal essays. The
"Kiss Me Kate" in 11 months; sports trips to PULSE also has an art section, provided by
El Salvador for basketball and Costa Rica for Mrs. Ramirez' art classes. These pieces of art
soccer and volleyball; graduation of the class are representative of the type of work that
of *96; Senior retreat in August; Christmas Maya student are capable of producing.
baskets and "Secret Santas" in December, as Along with the art are about a dozen cartoons
well as who knows how many choir concerts; also produced by the art classes. They might
the Performing and Visual Arts Show; the provide you with a students viewpoint of
Friendship Fair (and I've got a photo prov Maya. It's nice to see that many of our
ing that Dr. Pasquale dunked me illegally at scholars can poke fun at themselves and their
the Senior dunking booth!); A slew of SAT, little "cliques" while also making a statement
PSAT and TOEFL tests; Copa Maya volley about the place where they spend the majori
ball, basketball and soccer, with record ty of their waking hours. Of course, for some
numbers of games played and schools partic reason the "run Forrest, run." Cartoon seems
ipating; and , of course, issues of "the Maya to be a favorite among the student body, but I
PULSE" to try and document it all. have NO idea why...
How do we get it all done? Beats the Anyway, here's to the new year. Try to
heck out of me! But there are enough big be a part of what's going on around you at
hearts, souls and minds (heads too!) around Maya, even if you've never really participat
here to somehow pull it all off year after year ed before. I fact, if you haven't been a part of
after year... a Maya team, production, or event, you are
The great thing about working on a stud just the person that the Faculty sponsors are
ent publication AND being a high school looking for- fresh blood to invigorate a pro
English teacher is that I can assign work in gram is always welcome..xome out and join
the fun!!!
A Vky Review Oie
MR PASTORE FORCED LIS TO REVIEW KISS ME KATE SO HERE IT IS-
Psycho Spanky, aided by Bubba Manson
This fall Colegio Maya presented the first by getting themselves in a clown dress, they
of the two plays that are going to be done come on stage and make sure that Ms. Va-
this year. "Kiss Me Kate" is not only the nessi acts. The play finally ends happily as
first play of the year, but it is the first play Ms. Vanessi returns to Fred, the debt is forgi
ever presented in the new gymnasium/ thea ven, and Bill and Lois come together.
ter complex in a stage, designed by students, The musical showcased the performance
built with the help of the school carpenters. of our very talented students. Vanessa Ber-
The story is about a theatrical group gonzoli, as Lilli Vanessi (Katharine in the
which is putting up Kiss Me Kate, a musical play), and Abdias Irizarry, as Fred Graham
adaptation of William Shakespeare's Taming (Petruchio), did a great job playing the main
of the Shrewd. On the play, Fred Graham, the roles on the story, and their singing was also
main character, sends some flowers to Ms, exceptional. Dan Luna and Allison Schwartz
Louis Lane, but because of a mistake made played the gangsters, which were the most
by his assistant, the flowers are delivered to popular (and the funniest) characters of the
Ms. Lilli Vanessi on the exact day in which play. Louis Lane (Bianca) were represented
she and Mr. Graham were celebrating the by Allison Lugo and Kevin Baldizon played
first anniversary of their divorce. Without Bill Calhoun (Lucentio). They both did a
reading the note that accompanied the flow great job. Harry Trevor (Baptista) was To-
ers, Ms. Vanessi thinks that the flowers were mas Lin's personification and it wasn't easy
for her, and she hopes a reconciliation bet to make him act as an old man mainly be
ween her and Mr. Graham is possible. When cause of his eternal childish behavior.
Fred comes in he tries to get back the note, We have characters that do not appear in
but she doesn't let him and the illusion keeps both settings (although they participated in
on growing on her mind. In the other hand, the dance and song sequences). In the back
Bill Calhoun (who is a compulsive gambler) stage scenes, Hattie, played by Amanda
loses $10,000 and signs an IOU in Fred's Rhodes, not only did the best when singing
name. At the same time that the flowers are the opening song of the show, but she also
delivered to Ms. Vanessi, two gangsters gave her best when, in one of the three
make their appearance looking for the money shows, her microphone fell and she had to
, and Mr. Graham denies that he had gam sing without it Anyway, she did great
bled that day. The play starts and Mrs. Va Jeff Brown gave the play a different per
nessi seems to be very happy, until she finds spective with his appearance on the second
out backstage, when Fred is acting, of the act with his personification of Harrison
content of the note and comes up on stage "Viejo Verde'* Howell, an old man who
and reproaches Fred in front of the unknow desires to marry the main actress of the
ing audience. At the same time, Bill Calhoun show, Fred Graham's ex-wife, Lilli Vanessi.
and Lois Lane attempt to solve their romantic Maria Estrada, Debra Walsh, Rana Hamdy,
problems. and Ben Baldizon are the other characters
Lilli wants to quit the play to go with that only appeared backstage representing the
Harrison Howell, a old withered congress Stage Manager, the Stage Doorman, Pauline
man, but Fred, convincing the gangsters that (which was Fred Graham's assistant), and the
the only way they could get their money Cab Driver, respectively. They demonstrated
back is by y making g the show continue,, con their superb acting skills despite the minute-
vinces
i them
h to force
f Mrs.
M Vi to stay and
Vanessi ness of their parts.
There were also some characters that
only appeared on the Padua scenes, since AMD WOW, THE
they where only actors on the story and they
didn't take place around Fred Graham or Lil-
60LDEN GORILLA
li VanessL Jorge Cortes (Gremio), Sung Wan
Ro (Hortensio), Asaf Mazar (Haberdasher), AWARD*.
and Paige Cunningham, Maria Koch, and
Maggie Rhodes (Petruchio's three servants) Best Memory: Abdias Irrizary (Look at all
all fit in this category. They all performed those lines, man!)
marvelously, specially in the comical scenes Best Acton Kevin Baldizon.
and their songs. Best Actress: Allison Schwartz .
The singing ensemble, composed by Best kiss: Abdias Irrizary and Vanessa Ber-
Alice Chen, Elizabeth Luk, Robin Orlanski, gonzolli.
Jamie Brown, Vanessa Carbonell, Mira Cho Best hug: Kevin Baldizon and Abdias Irriz
and Yoon Kim, did great in their songs "I ary.

sing of love" and "Too darn hot". Their per Funkiest Outfits: Allison Schwartz and Dan
formance made the play's musical aspect a Luna.
success and proved everyone who thought Best transformation: Jeff Brown.
the play would be a failure wrong. Best Director Mr. Joseph Feia.
The play's dance, choreographed by the Best Art Direction: Mrs. Ramirez.
extremely talented Ms. Storey, also came out Best Music Director: Ms. Storey.
marvelously. The rose dancers in Lucentio's Coolest tights: Abdias Irrizary.
hallucination, Daniela Lopez, Maria Estrada, Most Dedicated to the Play: Mrs. Feia.
Robin Orlansky, Amanda Rhodes and Alice Most Interesting effect: Death of a bird.
Chen made everyone speechless with their Most Successful Money Makin' Idea: Talent
movements and their rhythm. Show.
Finally, the play would not have been as Best Doughnuts: Senior Class.
good without the participation of the Padua
Citizens, who served as dancers, singers and
occasional crowd- Personified by Loretta WAU OF tHAMC
Luk, Ana Mercado, Ayumi Sakamoto, Reini- Worst Audience member: Mr. Pastore.
er Spruit, Kyung Ro, Jenn Garber, Ellen Worst Seat: H36
Yoon Javier Lacayo, {Catherine Gonzalez, Worst Camera Work: Whoever set up the TV
Andrea Damarceno, Daniela Lopez and inside the girls locker room
Valerio De Meo.
Overall, the play was done in a wonder And Mark Twain said:
ful manner and only Broadway actors could
have equaled their performance. According God made idiots for practice, then he made
to many audience members interviewed later school board members.
on by means of torture and brainwashing, the
play exceeded last year's Fame in humor, DISCLAIMER: APPROVED BY CHOOSY FISH EVE
performance and overall "I liked it very RYWHERE, VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN. USE TWICE A
much"ness. DAY, BEWARE OF IMITATIONS, PEPSICO IS A COOL
On a scale of one to Six hundred twelve NAME, NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE HAIR CLUB

Pulse points, we give Kiss me Kate Six FOR MEN. BUBBA MANSON IS A TRADEMARK OF
SATANIC COOKIES INCORPORATED. PSYCHO
hundred and eleven with three fourths.
SPANKY BELONGS TO EDGARDO PABON. THIS IS
We seriously hope that the next play, The
AN TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYS
Mystery Maze, exceeds the hard work and TEM. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAK
performance by Maya students, until then, ING OF THIS ARTICLE (EXCEPT FOR THAT EXPERI
pass a kidney stone... I mean, break a leg! MENT THAT WENT TERRIBLY WRONG). SEND
YOUR DONATIONS TO: JIM PASTORE HIGHWAY 66
A peek behind
the Red
Curtains
Inside the mind ©f a
Kiss Me Kate actress
Kyung the Great

"Okay guys-. That was much better than dance, songs, the actors practiced their lines
yesterday! It really was. Come on, let's just and all. Everybody seemed hyped up by the
do that again. Now I understand that you are idea of three nights of performing.
all tired and want to go home (no kidding!) Trip, bonk!
it's just a few days more until the opening "Oh I'm so sony."
night! (accompanied with various hearty "You gotta get those bricks painted by Mon
gestures) and all of you are doing great. You day or else..."
must be proud for all the work we've
done!!!" "What was my line again?'
These are the typical Mr. Feia words that "Hitit,Susana."
rung out through the echoing Gym "Can you show me the steps again?"
(sometimes associated with a microphone,., "Mr. Feia, can we have Burger King now?
eek!) through out all play rehearsal. The af We're starving- why not? That's not fair."
ter-school practices were siempre begun with "We believe that the balcony is coming out
his speech full of encouraging advises and fi fine... I guess."
nally closed with his speech of praise and "(hiss-) Git outta that couch. We gotta get it
promise. I've always wondered how Mr. Feia out for the next scene. Come on, move it!"
could just do that. I mean not a single time "Miss I can't wear this skirt!"
have he left out. "I love those shoes worn by the suitors."
"Stop! (pause) What was that? Come on, "Where's the light base and who took my
aaaaargh- (pause) Again from the start! - eyeliner?"
stop! again-" "Can you put make-up on me? I look weird if
That's Ms. Storey. Everybody knows. I do it myself. Oh thanks."
She's usually really sweet and funny, but just "Miss! My skirt just ripped!"
as we reach the last, oh about, the last two "What do you mean by that she stepped on
weeks from opening night... then she really the light bulb?"
gets very enthusiastic. Oh it's not so bad. I "It has finally come..."
had to stay after school only two times a
week until five o'clock; I was in the Dancing Just a few minor squeaky conversations
Ensemble. Some other crew members had to that could be picked up during the rehearsal
stay three times or all through the week. Poor or in locker rooms while preparation for
guys. It was okay, all right We learned new opening nights* We loved doing this. Espe-
daily through the mass confusion of care
lessly thrown aside jumble of costumes, MISGUIDED
jeans, bags, sweaters and all other. Putting on
the make up was the pain of all. If only we
didn't have to do it so thick. There's also the
NEURONS I Of
irony of singing "Too Darn Hot" while we're
freezing off in the floor (shake it, Mira!). Beefry: Where did Albert Einstein keep his
In the last week of rehearsal, the whole fish?
cast stayed after school every day until six MnGlass: I'm stumped, where?
o'clock. Then was it painful and tiring. Espe Beefry: In a think tank! HA! I kill me!
cially was the case so true in Wednesday, the
preview day. We presented few chops of the Freak: This is a picture of a goat eating grass.
play twice during school time to Elementary, Biff: Where's the grass?
then Middle and High school. A point when Freak: The goat ate it.
once my loose flat shoe slipped half way off Biff: Where's the goat?
(I managed to put it on while jumping up and Freak: Why would the goat stay if there was
down). Then we had another all-the-way- no more grass?.
through rehearsal from seven to nine. A re
hearsal as a real opening, feeling most dev Woolie Woodo: What do you call a rotten es
astating. say!
Mr. Feia and Ms. Storey was really proud Jaffer: Search me, what?
of us. The opening night was the most mean Woolie Woodo: A decomposition.
ingful and overwhelming. Everybody was
fidgety, as for me, I couldn't stop cracking a Jiffy: What do you call a tired gardener?
nervous smile on the stage (it's freezing in Lube: Beats me, what!
here!). Jiffy: Bushed.
"You guys did an excellent job tonight!
You should be proud of yourself (cheer, Stra: What do you call it when a 100 and 3
clapity clap)." strawberries are all trying to get through the
Yeah, we got through it Now thinking door.
back, it only seem a mere blurry memory. I Barry: A strawberry jam, hahjhah!
heard a several time some students singing
the play songs in the hall way, such as "Kiss Scare: What happened when the Kings Men
Me Kate," "Another Opening," "Why Can't told humpty dumpty the joke?
You Behave," "Too Darn Hot," and "Brush Croe: Search me.
up your Shakespeare." Scare: He fell for it
It was a real significant event for Colegio
Maya for it was the first time to open our Slit: What did one math book say to the oth
play in home ground. The backstage folks er?
and curtain pullers accomplished extraordi Clitfford: I don't know, what?
nary jobs which made Mr. Feia very jolly. Slit: I got a problem.
He said something like this in the end,
"It's finally over guys! (scream, hugs, Figuel: What goes 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-
and compliments) You did very nice thump?
throughout all the rehearsal and had an excel Pud: Gee Golly, IDONT KNOW!
lent result. You were all great! Enjoy the rest Figuel: A centipede with a wooden leg
of your evening and thank you for all your
effort. Bye!" Dink: What do you call four bullfighters in
So thus it was over, never to repeat. quicksand?
Another piece of memory to add to the year Kinky: You got me.
of 1997. Dink: Cuatro cinco.
BACKSTAGERS
A YEW OF ME KATE* FROM BACKSTAGE
Sebastian Strzalkowski

The curtain went down, everybody Magnus during his break from pulling the
cheered and the actors bowed, the crowd curtains up and I just happened to have a pad
went home and the next day, the gym was and pencil with me...
clear again. Was this magic? Yes, the magic
of the production crew. This year, Colegio Mr. Franklin! Pm glad I caught yon. An
Maya recruited a fine group to handle the swer me this if you will, how was the "Fly
backstage aspects of the play. System" conceived?
The director this year was Mr. Joseph "One day I woke up and had a vision" said
Feia, the musical director was our very own Mr. Feia (I cannot hold any responsibilities
Kjerstine Storey and the artistic director and to this quote, since I am already quoting
costume designer was Jan Ramirez. The Magnes Franklin, so if you have a problem
technical director was Markus Holla, a fine with this quote in a quote, do not complain to
young man in 1 lth grade, the pianist was Su- the Sebastian Dept., complain to Magnus
sana Chang, the Keyboardist and program Franklin, who quoted Mr. Feia) and he told
designer was Anne Feia (the wife of Mr. Jo us to do it, we borrowed pulleys from Mr.
seph Feia), Curtain and Costume Production Bond and string from Mrs. Ramirez to make
a model. The model got approved by Dr.
was Hugo Ramirez, the Sound Manager was
Aaron Chock, and the Set Designers and Pasquale, and we started on the final design,
the one that was in the gym. When we had
constructors were Drew Mayrides and Woo
one finished the designing, we ordered the
Chul Huang. The lights managers were Ed-
pulleys and string needed to build the pulley
gardo Pab6n and Mariana Raskosky. Mary
system. As the workers put up the pulleys,
Joe Lent, Min Jin Kang, and Hee Jung Park
were the prop managers. The flutist was Jen we made slight modifications of the design.
nie DeBusset and Kjerstine Storey played the Then, when the system was done, we prac
recorder. Ana Teresa Mayrides handled the ticed pulling up and down the pulleys."
make-up, and Jamie Brown (writer in our Mario Chicas and Miguel Turner also
very own school magazine, the Maya Pulse) helped Magnus Franklin with the "Fly
and Asaf Mazar did the transparencies. Inbal System". They did quite a wonderful job and
and her friend setup the wireless microphone I honestly believe that they will go on to bet
system and Colegio Maya's maintenance ter plays and learn and grow to be better "Fly
managers maintained our sanitation during System" designers.
the whole play. The backstage crew was I asked Alex Petricevic (Set Group Man
composed mainly of: Gustavo Andrade (the ager) what his thoughts were about his job in
happy guy :), Albert Delgado, Esteban Fan- the play. He responded in a cynical tone,
jul, Carlos Hiroshi, Paul O' Sullivan, Alex "Secret stuff\ I asked many people back
ander Petricevic, Giancarios Valle and our stage, and they all preferred to keep the sub
favorite freshman: Sebastian. ject quiet. Paul O' Sullivan threatened to kill
Well, I think one of the more interesting me and Gian just didn't seem to know what
aspects of the Colegio Maya presentation of was going on.
Kiss me, Kate was the "Fly System". "What All and all, this play seemed to be a great
is the *Fly System'?", you might ask, well it success and it was very fortunate that a lot of
was the rope and pulley stuff hanging from people participated and made the play what it
the roof of the gym. I had the chance to catch became.
Futecct Girls Soccer Teom
Ben Baldizon
This year Maya's girl's got an early start team's moral.
on soccer. Starting in August, Mr. Pastore Spain's record ended up being 7 wins, 2
gave any girl that wanted to the opportunity ties, and 2 losses, and Brazil's was 5 wins, 2
to play in a soccer team at Futeca. Because ties, and 3 losses. Both teams made it to the
of the overwhelming response, two teams de semi-finals, and Spain made it to the finals,
veloped, one wearing Brazil's uniform but lost 5 to 1.
(Yellow and Blue) and one wearing Spain's The girls on the team seem especially ex
(Red and Blue). These teams are sponsored cited about playing at Futeca. Here are some
by Banco Uno, Sam and Guia International. of their comments in response to, "What do
But before we go into the actual team and you think about playing at Futeca?" followed
their games, let's take a look at the processes by a list of the people on the teams.
involved in starting the teams.
Well, actually there wasn't that much in- "It's awesome to play there and there are
volved in getting the teams started, or at least lots of hot guys." -Kristin Gonzalez-
not much that Mr. Pastore told me. He de
cided that it would do the girls good to get "I love it because it's a good experience
some practice before soccer season and it and because there are lots of hot guys I know
would be a good experience for them to play who come and cheer and I'm so happy Woo-
at Futeca, since this would help them learn hoohoo!" -Vanessa Carbonell-
about soccer, how to pass the ball better, how
to move faster, and how to maintain finer Brazil Maya 1
control over the ball* However, it isn't cheap Name Number Grade
to form your own team so he needed spon Amanda Rhodes 1 11
sors. Luckily, Mariana was able to get Ban Melissa Leon 2 12
co Uno to sponsor the teams and Carolina Rana Hamdy 3 11
got Sam airlines to help out too. They paid Robin Orlansky 4 11
for 2 sets of 25 uniforms, one for each team, Kristin Gonzalez 5 10
and part of the inscription fee, which was Monica Garcia 6 10
Q1650 per team. Each girl also paid Q80 of Carolina Mejia 7 9
their own money. Ana Garcia 8 11
The two teams have done outstandingly Maggie Rhodes 9 9
well, especially considering that most of the Daniella Lopez 10 12
girls had never played on small courts like Mariana Raskosky 9 9
those at Futeca and some of them had just Maria Koch Sub. 9
never played soccer before. The team wear Spain Maya 2
ing Spain's uniform is now in first place and Luisa Meyerman 1 10
the team wearing Brazil's uniform is in a tie Vanessa Carbonell 2 10
for second. The teams are playing in the D Allison Lugo 3 12
league (which is the lowest level) but it is not Ruth Carbonell 4 9
for lack of skill. Every new team at Futeca Michelle Wiater 5 10
must start in the D league, regardless of prev Jennifer Peterson 6 12
ious experience or skill. If it were a matter Maria Estrada 7 12
of ability, our teams would rate a lot higher. JaeAhn 8 12
Just the other day I saw the Brazilian team Jeniffer Cintron 9 12
defeat an A league team with out much diffi Vanessa Bergonzoli 10 11

culty. This game only occurred because the Melanie Irizarry 11 8


team that was going to play Brazil didn't Andrea Damasceno Sub. 11
come but it served a double purpose: to
prove to anyone with any doubts that Maya's
teams aren't loser teams and to boost the
The Annual
Science Fair
Held By The Great, All-Mighty, Immortal
Mr* Jen "Tfte tavior" Berke!!!!
Giancarlo Valle
Well, another year is here and another 2:15-2:20 Students will move into two
science fair is here. This year there are two launch lines.
new events, the straw tower contest and the
paper airplane contest For those who wer 2:20-2:50 Students watch as gliders are
en't here last year the science fair contests launched.
were the Paper tower contest ( which is the
same as the straw tower contest only with pa 2:50 Students go to buses
per) and the egg drop contest ( where you (Thanks to Mr. Berke for this charming
had to build a container that would hold an exhilarating information on the schedule).
egg and that the egg would not break when
thrown from the top of the gym). This year And now the moment you have all been
there were 78 teams or groups that consisted waiting for, the Results to the Science Fair
of 1 to 3 people. This year there were 34 1996...
middle school groups and 44 high school
groups. This was the program for the science Middle School:
fair that was held on December 6,1996... Straw Tower

Place: Gym First Place at 212 cm- Ricardo Cortes,


Time: 1:30-2:50 Kevin Odle, and Peter Benson.
Event: Science Fair Ms/Hs Second Place at 209 cm- John Song and
List Of Events: Brian Jung.
Third Place at 208 cm- Ai Hattori, Leti-
1:30-1:45 Students Get Into Groups: Middle cia Olivares, and Monica Martinez.
School on right side of the Gym floor. High
School on left side of the Gym floor. Glider longest Time Airborne

1:45-1:45 Straw and Pins for straw tower First Place at 2.14 sec-Sebastion Gomez,
competition are passed out to each group. Edger Rodriguez, and Rodrigo Lopez.
Second Place at 2.06 sec- Mark Lent and
1:45-2:05 Students make the straw towers. Hugo Miller.
Third Place at 1,94 sec- Amaranta Villar*
2:05-2:15 Students stay with their towers as Monika Chang, Andrea Odle, and Sara Liv-
they are measured (Here we will need extra ermore
teachers to measure).
Gliders that traveled the greatest distance
First Place at 2.14 sec- Amaranta Villar,
Monika Chang, Andrea Odle, and Sara Liv-
ermore
Second Place at 2.06 sec- Victor Lara
and Young Seok Ahn. Compiled by: Naked Ape Valle
Third Place at 9.42 m- Mark Lent and
Hugo Miller.
Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
High School A. Because he was stapled to the chicken!!
Straw Tower by: The Great Miguel Turner 9A

First place at 260 cm- Markus Holla, Ser Q. How is dog related to God?
gio, and Joe Tally A. They are related backward!!
Second Place at 252 cm- Abdias Irizarry, by: Sung-Wan 10
Daniela Lopez, and Marc Holbik
Third Place at 237 cm- Michelle Wiater, Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Jaime Brown, and Christina Carrot Cowart. A. Because he had no guts!!
by: Giorgio 3B
Glider longest Time Airborne
Q. What is the national bird of Florida?
First Place at 2.8 sec- Carolina Mejia and A. The mosquito.
Maria Koch. by: Roberto Castaner 9A
Second Race tied at 2.7 sec- Carlos Vic
toria and Alejandra Valbuena. Q. How does an airhead kill a bird?
Valerio DeMeo, Dan Luna, and Javier A. He throws it off a cliff,
Lacayo. by: Biff Migrone
Third Place at 2.6 sec- Maricel Castaner
and Susan Sperry. Q. Why did Biff stare at the frozen orange
juice carton?
Gliders That Traveled The Greatest A. Because it said concentrate.
Distance by: Biff Migrone

First Place at 11.53m- Allison Lugo, Q. Why did Biff climb the glass wall?
Robin Orlansky, and Maria Estrada, A. To see what was on the other side,
Second Place at 10.97 m- Matt Roney by: Biff Migrone
and Mario Chicas.
Third Place at 9.73 m- Gustavo Andrade Q. How does an airhead kill a fish?
and Carlos Hiroshi. A. By drowning it
by: Gus
(Lot of thanks to Mr. Berke for this vital
information and to all a good night. Merry Q. What is the meaning of life?
Christmas on the behalf of the Publications A. I have no idea,do you?
class because as you very well know that this by: Biff Migrone
is my last article in the publication class in
1996 because as some of you may know I am Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
going to another elective I am sorry to all my A. O.K. now, don't get a brain cramp and
fans but do not cry for I have loved this class don't strain yourself, but the answer is to
but I want to learn a little bit of everything in cross the road!
ninth grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) by: Su-Han Park
STUDENT
COUNCIL
IT'S THE LAW
Ben "The Humble One1' Baldizon

This year (like every other year) we have gy, the High School Christmas party and
a Student Council. However, there have been Christmas spirit competition, the new written
several changes effected for many reasons. constitution (which was a major undertaking
Nevertheless, Student Council's general pur that provides guidelines for the responsibili
pose and goals remain basically the same. ties of Student Council members as well as
Student Council was off to a slow start their meetings, activities, and methods of im
this year due to a lack of enthusiasm by the peachment), and they sent a team of five to
students and a few problems encountered. the leadership conference in El Salvador.
Because only two people ran for Student The leadership conference was attended
Council positions, the traditional President, by the Prime Minister (Asaf Mazar), the Vice
Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer govern Minister (Page Cunningham), Vanessa Ber-
ment was changed to a Prime Minister, Vice gonzoli, Alison Schwartz, and Inbal Mazar.
Minister government, and the number of rep About the conference, Mr. Smith says, "The
resentatives per grade was changed from four host school had everything planned out very
to two. well. All the schools demonstrated excellent
Then, there were school problems like conduct. Mr. Phil, the leadership speaker
the Time Capsule incident, the keyboard in taught us a lot about communication, cooper
cident, and the screen saver incident. These ation, making decisions, thinking creatively,
affected Student Council because it focused paying attention to details, and having fun.
people's attention on these negative incid Their immediate goals are: to set up a
ents. Nobody talked about the volleyball wel computer lab monitoring system, organize a
come back lunch, which I didn't even know Burger King lunch thing, to establish more
about until I wrote this article, but everyone service opportunities for the student body
knew about the Time Capsule. both on and off campus, and to get Mr. Smith
Despite these problems, Student Council some backstage tickets for the next Shakira
has managed to accomplish quite a lot. Their concert.
accomplishments so far are: the reestablish- Their overall goals are:
ment of the Student Council (necessary due I. To provide services for the school as
to the lack of enthusiasm), a welcome back well as the underprivileged communities.
lunch for the volleyball teams, a candy sale, II. To unify the student body and increase
the Copa Maya inauguration, the Halloween school spirit.
costume contest, the whole Secret Santa thin- Ill- To prevent vandalism, littering, etc.
You may be wondering why Mr, Smith is Name Grade Position
in charge of Student Council. And then Sophomore
again you may not really care but I'm gonna Mazar 10 Representative
tell you anyway. Mr. Smith's first response
to the question was, "Because I'm so dam Christina Sophomore
good looking." (Funny how his initials just Miller 10 Representative
happen to be BS) Then Mr. Smith got seri
ous. He was asked if he wanted to be in Magnus Freshman
charge of Student Council. Because he had Franklin 9 Representative
done this last year, he felt he was qualified to
take the position. He'd also been in the {Catherine Freshman
Student Government in college and he'd Gonzalez 9 Representative
taught government so he thought he had a
pretty good idea of what Student Council Brad Smith Teacher Advisor
should do.
Mr. Smith is very optimistic about Stud
ent Council. In his words, "We had a slow
Prime Minister: sets the
start and problems around the school but I
Agenda, writes reports, presides over meet
ings, maintains a phone list of those in Stud
have 10 intelligent, diligent, willing students
in Student Council. As they gain more ex ent Council, is the voice of Student Council
perience and organization, I expect to see a to the outside community, monitors activities
lot more good things happening for the and their reports.
school and for Student Council.
When asked if he had any comments, he Vice Minister: writes the
said, "I'd like to thank those in Student minutes, keeps records of finances, updates
Council for their effort and for all that Student Council bulletin board, monitors the
they've done. They've been great. Thank's suggestion box takes over when Prime Min
to all the other people for help and ideas. ister isn't there.
Please support the Student Council."
Following is a list of the people in Stud
ent Council, their grade, their position, and a Representative: informs class
brief summary of the responsibilities of these about meetings, represents interests of their
positions. class, votes on decisions.

Name Grade Position Activity Head: Sets up and pre


Asaf Mazar 11 Prime Minister sides over special meetings for their specific
activity, establishes committees to help
Paige
achieve goal.
Cunningham 9 Vice Minister

Jorge Senior Attends all meetings, sug


Cortes 12 Representative gests ideas, records participation of mem
bers, monitors finances of Student Council,
Tom£s Senior writes reports for the High School newsletter,
Lin 12 Representative gets things cleared with the principle, direc
tor, other teachers, etc.
Vanessa Junior
Bergonzoli 11 Representative Student Council meets every Tuesday in
Mr. Smith's room, you are welcome to attend
Alison Junior the meetings, bring your ideas for activities,
Schwartz 11 Representative concerns and enthusiasm.
CLASS PROFILE %

MEET THE SOPHMORES


PaulO'Suilivan
This year the Sophomores are much more confid Woah not even one! Oh well as the year progresses
ent and much less confused. School work is getting maybe new students will come in to Maya. Aside
harder but easier for they had a year of experiencing from having no new students the class is pretty much
the routine in ninth grade. Teachers are harder and the same. Although this year there are two new teach
less lenient but hey, that's the way the ball bounces. If ers. With the loss of Dr.Thomas and Mr. Vance come
you remember the last pulse had this article one of the in Mrs. Harris who teaches English and Mr. Smith who
many continued articles but it was a review on the teaches History.
freshmen/woman. (Gotta be politically correct these The sophomore's class leader is Mr. Smith, with
days.)
help from Mrs. Bond. The class president is Nathan
The term Sophomore means "wise fool". This Lee and vice president is Inbal Mazar. The secretary is
means that you are a little wiser now that have sur Jamie Brown and the treasurer is Monica Garcia. The
passed the freshmen/women but you are still a fool be Sophomore class used to have Mrs. Smith teaching
cause there is still two more years of fun filled learn English but it was only temporary. She taught for four
ing ahead! Yay I know that after reading this article weeks in Mrs. Harris'absence. She can now be found
you will be inspired and ready to tackle that,... six teaching fourth grade in the elementary building.
more years of school left! Then the fun part, real life Now you may recognize this format and you may
work with taxes and government dues, mortgages, not. On the following page is a list of Sophomores
marriage,... unless you're going to grow up a hermit likes and hobbies so enjoy. Now is there any words of
and that's just to name a few of the more fun things to advice that I can offer? No not really after all I am a
do around after your high-school career. Sophomore and wouldn't want to show any favoritism.
• p.s. Mana Barrera left our class in favor of a whole other school.

IAST NAMi FIRST NAME DOB NATTONALm! FAV. MUSIC FAY. MOVE FAV ACTOR FAY. COLOR FAV. CLASS FAV ACTIVITY
Andrade 1 Gustavo 7\14N80^ Columbian Any Star Wars (all) None Black Math Sports
Baidizon Ben 9\9\81 U.S.A. Alternative Star Wars (all) Me A lot Theater Arts
Brown Jamie 6\30\8i U.S.A. Power of One
none Mel Gibson Blue Transition Piano
Barrera Maria 3\ir&i Guate Any The Rock SeanConnery Black Math Riding Bike
Carbonell Vanessa 4\8N81 Salvador All Black
Gone with the Wind History Sports
Chester George 9\23N81 USA. Alternative Willow Sharon Stone Blue History B-Ball
Cho Miia 1\19\81 Korea negates Tornado Brad Pitt Blue Self Study
Cowart Christina 7\26\80 U.S.A. Alt+RB. None Brad Pitt Pink None TV
Delgado Albeit 5\1^81 USA Rock Brave Heart Will Smith Black Hstory Spoits
Garcia Monica 4\30\81 Guate All None Denzel Blue P.E. Sports
Gonzalez Kristin 11X24NS1 Hispanic Alternative Seven Black Self Study Horse Riding
Hiroshi Carlos 8\5V80 Japan Pop Jack Black P.E. Soccer
Hwang Woochul 4N3\81 Korean Rap Seven None Blue History Spoits
Kim Yoon 6<2&80 Korean Alternative ID-4 Brad Pitt Blue Self Study
Lee Nathan 3\18«l Korean Bunch Roots None Blue Self Study Fishing
Mazar Inbal U\27\80 Israel Spanish Rack Brave Heart PAuly Shore Black History Horse Riding
Meyennan Luisa 7\7\81 Guate Whatever God Father AlPacino Blue Pub. (not!) Watch T.V.
Miller Christina 11U2Y79 U.S.A. All Forrest Gump Mel Gibson black Sports
O'Sullivan Paul 11MN81 U.S.A. Punk Kids none Black Lunch Skating
Petricevic Alex 12M0N81 Bolivian Punk None Shaq (he's hot) Black None Censored
Ro Kyung 3\2582 Korean All All Keanu Reeves Sea Green None All
Wiater Michelle 8N29\81 U.S.A. Any Cinderella None Purple Lunch!! Spoits
Yoon Ellen 2U881 Korean Alternative Brave Heart Keanu Reeves Pink Music Piano
2. Can you fill in the squares with
a series of continuous numbers in 3. Find a way to
1. Make the two
squares the same size a way that each diagonal adds up DOUBLE the size of

only by moving four to twenty one? the square lake with

sticks.
out chopping down
the trees...

Q Q

4. By using one unbroken line, cross 5. Connect the 6. Join each of the pairs of
each and everyone of the segments nine dots by points with straight lines in a
(AB, BC, CO...) in a way that no seg using only four way that the lines lie on the
ment is crossed twice. straight contin grid and do not intercepts
uous lines each other. A

B A c

D I

AN9WCB9
Wtt*l> GU*
FRANCE '$$ Roberto Castaner

For the first time in history, thirty-one Group One Group Two
teams go to the World Cup. Three are from United States Canada
North America and the Caribbean, three or Costa Rica El Salvador
four from Asia* fourteen from Europe (plus Guatemala Panama
France as host), five from Africa, one or Trinidad Tob^o Cuba
none from Oceania and four from north
America plus Brazil as defending Champion. Group Three
As always, qualification tournaments start Mexico
two years before the cup. They have already Honduras
started. Every continent has its own tourna St. Vincent
ment with its own fonn and its own rules. I Jamaica
will through the continents one by one telling
you about the groups in each and how the Africa has five groups. Winners of each
tournament is structured. group will go to the Cup to make a total of
In South America there is only one five teams. The groups are:
group. Nine teams are on it and the best four
qualify. Brazil doesn't compete because they Group One Group Two
go as defending champions. There will be a Burkina Faso Egypt
total of five South American teams in the Guinea Liberia
cup. Kenya Namibia
The teams in the group are as follows: Nigeria Tunisia

Colombia Group Three Group Four


Ecuador Congo Angola
Chile South Africa Cameron
Argentina Zaire Togo
Bolivia Zambia Zimbabwe
Paraguay
Uruguay Group Five
Peru Burundi
Venezuela Gabon
Ghana
There will be three teams from North Morocco
America and the Caribbean. There are three
groups winners and second place teams ad* There are nine European Qualifying
vance to a second round (one group). Then, groups. Out of those groups, fourteen teams
the top three teams qualify.The groups are: will qualify. The winners of each group and
the best second place team qualify. The re
maining eight second place teams are drawn
into four pairs and the winners qualify. he qualifies. If not, the team from Oceania
France automatically qualifies as a fifteenth qualifies. The groups are:
European team because they are the host. Group One Group Two
The groups are: Saudi Arabia Iran
Group One Group Two Malaysia Maldives
Denmark Italy Bangladesh Syria
Greece England Taiwan Kirgizstan
Croatia Poland
Slovenia Georgia Group Three Group Four
Bosnia Moldova United Arab Emirates Japan
Bahrain Nepal
Group Three Group Four Jordan Oman
Norway Sweden Macao
Switzerland Austria
Finland Belarus Group Five Group Six
Finland Latvia Uzbekistan South Korea
Hungaiy Estonia Yemen Thailand
Azerbaijan Scotland Indonesia Hong Kong
Cambodia
Group Five Group Six
Russia Spain Group Seven Group Eight
Bulgaria Czech Republic Kuwait China
Israel Slovakia Lebanon Tukmenistan
Cyprus Yugoslavia Singapore Vietnam
Luxembourg Malta Tadjikistan
Faroe Islands
Group Nine Group Ten
Group Seven Group Eight Iraq India
Netherlands Rumania Pakistan Qatar
Belgium Lithuania Kazakstan Sri Lanka
Turkey Iceland Philippines
Wales Macedonia
San Marino Litchenstein Out of Oceania one or zero teams will
qualify. There are two groups. The winner of
Group Nine one will play the winner of the other, and the
Germany Ukraine winner of that, will play Asia's fourth place.
Albania Armenia If they win, they go to the Cup. They are:
Portugal North Ireland
Group One Group Two
Australia Fiji
Asia has ten qualifying groups out of Tahiti New Zealand
which three or four teams will qualify. They (Polynesia vrs. Papua New Guinea
will go through three rounds of elimination. Solomon Islands)
In the first round, the winners of each group
advance. In the second, they will make two Thanks for reading. If you want to watch
groups of five out of which the winners and any of the games check ESPN, ESPN2, and
second place teams advance. In the third Canal 7. The International Channel
round, the best team of the remaining four sometimes has games depending on what
qualifies. The other three play between them country they're broadcasting from- TVE
selves and the best two qualify. The third (Spanish Channel) has some games if you
plays the winner of Oceania, and if he wins, like Spain, but I can't be sure when...
Ufcet D» Tfceg Www?
InbaJ Mazar

"Dreams are rudiments of the great state to Here are some interpretations to the most
come, we dream what is about to happen99 popular dreams:
—Bailey.
-To dream of an alligator, unless you
The non-scientific side of dreaming has a kill it, is unfavorable to anyone connected to
lot to do with a belief that each dream has a the dream. It is a dream of caution.
certain prediction of the future in it. But that -For a married woman, to dream she is
also makes people wonder,., do aliens exist? giving birth to a human means great joy. For
But, back to the subject, many people a single woman, this dream means abandon
have predicted deaths, tragedies, fortunes, ment by her lover.
and other things in DREAMS. Here are some -Since we are now in December, to
examples: dream of a Christmas tree denotes joyful
-Joan of Arc predicted her death through occasions and fortune. To see one disman
a dream. tled, foretells some painful incident will fol
-President Abraham Lincoln saw himself low occasions of festivity. And while we are
at his own funeral with mourners all around. in the Christmas month, dreaming of the
A little later, he was assassinated. month of December means accumulation of
wealth, but loss of friendship.
In the book 10,000 Dreams Interpreted,
different kinds of dreams are translated. This -To dream of conversing with a dead
article will give some of those translations relative who makes you promise
based on the book. something^neans that unless you follow the
The first dream that I will talk about is advice or complete the promise, there will be
disastrous consequences.
the dream of a little dude in elementary. In
the dream, the person saw that he was sitting -To dream you are getting fat means you
on his mothers new rug and his brother are about to make a fortunate change in your
touched his back. All of a sudden, his teeth life.
fell out. There are many meanings to dreams -To dream of having your hair cut, de
about teeth. In this specific dream, it means notes disappointments.
deaths or accidents will occur. It turned out
-To dream of a wounded horse foretells
that a little after his dream, a death occurred.
friends in trouble. To dream of a dead horse
Not always will these dreams predictions
means disappointments of different kinds.
come true, it is all right for each persons
dream to mean a different thing, but these -To dream of a rooster means fame in
predictions can and do come true for many. the future that will make you conceited.
FRANK LLOYD
WRIGHT
WHAT HE LEFT BEHIND- Naked Ape Valle

Frank Lloyd Wright is probably one of molished in 1950. His first buildings at this
the best architects of all time for his unique period were designed with far reaching ter
way of designing modern buildings. Frank rain and the landscapes had glazed walls,
Lloyd Wright was born in Richland Center, terraces, and low-slung roof overhangs.
Wisconsin., June 8,1867, and died April 9, Frank Lloyd Wright worked on his own
1959. after Sullivan and started to become one of
He was recognised for his innovative the most well known figures of architecture.
modern buildings, which are located through Over the period of the next 20 years Wright
out the world. Frank Lloyd Wright studied went to many exhibitions and traveled to Eu
civil engineering at the University of Wis rope, and that made him famous even in the
consin. After that he moved to Chicago, little towns of Europe and France. Ludwig
where he went to work as a draftsman in the Mies van der Rohe and Le Corbusier were
office of Adler and Sullivan in 1887. influenced by Wright's work, which at that
He began designing a few of his own pri time was well known in Europe in the field
vate houses for some of Adler and Sullivan's ofactitecture.
clients. He had a very unique way of building When Wright got back to the United
houses that he soon found out. The houses States people would acknowledge his work
had low, sweeping roof lines hanging over everywhere he went Frank Lloyd Wright
uninterrupted walls of windows; his plans was then at the peak of his life. From then he
were centered on huge brick and stone fire slightly changed his way of building and got
places at the heart of the house; his rooms a little bit plain and simple in 1915. He made
became increasingly open to another; and many romantic house designs and that was
overall layout of his plans became more and how he changed his old way of designing.
more independent, reaching out toward some During the rest of his life he became the most
real or imaginary prairie horizon. famous U.S. architect of our time. He built
Wright designed urban buildings mostly an architecture school but his pupils were
in the suburbs of Chicago (where I used to few. So, thanks for your time and even
live). He designed the Unity church in Oak though every one does not have a clue about
Park, III in 1906 which, by the way ,still Frank Lloyd Wright; I think he is the coolest
stands, he also designed the Larkin Company guy in the world, because he inspired me to
Administration Building in Buffalo, New write this.
York in 1904, which was unfortunately de
T
fl Magieal Mythical Creature
Inbal Mazar

There are many different theories about Peddlers who brought needles to the
the unicorn's existence. One of them is that lonely, scattered villages also brought tales
they might have lived in some dark part of of mermaids, kings, battles, and OF
the mysterious Himalayan mountains. Anoth COURSE, the fabulous, one horned beast.
er theory is that, like the pterodactyl, the uni Thus, no one was surprised if a hunter
corn had once existed, but is now extinct. claimed that while he was chasing a stag
This creature has had different meanings through the forest, he saw something that
in different places. For example, in China it looked like a unicorn through the tree
is called the ki'lin and represents good for branches. He would say that the sight of the
tune and longevity, while in Arabian coun silken beard, the quick grace, and the mother
tries it is called Karkadann, and it symbolizes of pearl horn would make him restless, and
a fierce fighter. not pleased and satisfied with the usual prey.
In 3 B.C., 72 Jewish scholars living in In the hunters house the memory would ling
Alexandria translated the Old Testament er on as he tell a few friends.
from Hebrew to Greek. In the translation, the So they meet at dawn at the well tended
unicorn first entered the Old Testament. It is fields of the lord of the castle, the lord is
mentioned in four different places as the there, along with several noblemen, a hounds
"Re'en" a large, fierce, horned beast. Today, men, scouts, pages, and water carriers. Some
it is believed that it was a wild buffalo, ex people would show up to tell the hunters to
tinct by the time that the Old Testament was leave them alone. "Just as Adam and Eve
translated. This took the unicorns legend to were not permitted to touch the forbidden
Europe. A few years later, it was extended as fruit, so are we joined against hunting the
far as Adam and Eve in the Bible. unicorn. Who knows what punishments
There have also been ideas of the unicorn await us?" They had their own views of the
as being small, fierce, and very ferocious. hunt
Some legends say that it could only be cap
tured by the lure of a virgin, attracted to her
purity and to her smell. It would come to her
and lay it's head on her lap. In 1389, John of Hesse supposedly visit
People say that when God created Earth, ed the same river that Moses led the Children
he made a river which followed from the of Israel out of and claimed that after sunset,
Garden Of Eden to braided veins of Onyx you could see the beautiful unicorn clean the
and Gold. This river was split into four dif river of impurities and detoxified other sub
ferent branches: the Euphrates, Pison, one stances.
that followed east toward Assyria, and one The unicorns horn was also said to have
that circled Ethiopia. There were beautiful been a cure to sick human bodies. If a person
creatures, but only two were named, Adam had any disease or illness, the unicorn could
and Eve. So God gave Adam the task of put its horn over the persons body and
naming all of the animals in the garden. The he\she would be cured.
first he chose was the unicorn. When God The unicorn has been one of the most
heard the name,he reached down and touched fascinating animals ever to be found in a leg
the tip of the single horn of this animal, lo end. It would be nice if Mr.Pastore would
cated on it's forehead. Thereafter, the uni only let me believe it exists!
corn is said to be elevated from other beasts.
Luisa Meyerman

Have you ever asked yourself the sim the reflex of water. This effect is also seen at
plest questions?: Why do spiders float? Why the deserts, and it is mentioned by Muham
does the road sometimes seem wet when it's mad in the Koran.
really not? What would happen if your body Did you ever try to drown a spider? (OK,
was made of steel? Why do people go bald? well, I have), If you have, did it float? If it
Why is there CNN? and Why did they paint did, did you wonder rafotfl? If it didn't float,
the cafeteria orange? (just checking if you
then stop reading this paragraph, Just Kid
were paying attention on those last two) and
ding. The reason why some spiders are able
sometimes failed to find the answer? So what
to swim/float is because, their body contains
if you are a super genius, the only way to ac
permeable oil which allows them to swim
quire knowledge is by asking questions,
through the water, and if they are light
ya,ya, I might sound like your mother,but so
enough, they might float
what it is the truth and nothing but the truth
Hey, you Rogaine Man, I know you are
"Not guilty your honor", wait, Fm riding off
out there, somewhere. Did you ever ask
the subject. Back to reality, or this article
yourself why people go bald, if you did, you
anyway, I bet you have found yourself in
probably did some research on it and if you
some similar situation, and if you haven't
didn't research, here is a brief description on
(Ben, Kevin, Jamie) you can just read the ar WHY some People go bald. As years go by ,
ticle for amusement
in the capillaries that feed the root of the hair
some oily or greasy substances may interrupt
the blood flow. Therefore the hair is weak
ened , and after a while it is off your head.
Did you ever wish your body was made The reason why this "balding" is more com
of steel for greater resistance? Or even fanta mon in men than in than in women is be
size about it like Mr. Pastore? Well, 1912 cause the hormones influence the process.
Nobel Medicine Price winner, Dr. Alexis Did you know it is impossible to get a
Carrel, stated that although steel is a very "cold" in the South Pole?. Well, if you
strong metal, it is inert. So if the human body didn't, I shall tell you WHY. If you do know,
was composed of the previous metal, after a go ahead and keep devouring more books
long dynamic period of 65 years, it would and stop reading this article!!! (sike).The rea
collapse. son is actually very simple, and a tad obvi
How was that? Wasn't that fascinating? ous: The temperature in the South Pole can
be as low and even lower than 80 degrees
Hey, 0 thought so and that's what counts,
Celsius. This temperature is so low that no
OK!!! microorganisms can survive, not even "flu"
As you drive (or in your case FRESH type viruses, therefore it is impossible to get
MEN, are driven,) along a high way or road, a cold.
have you noticed that sometimes it seems Well, that brings me to the end of the ar
wet, when it's actually drv? Well, this is very ticle, I hope you enjoyed it. And if you ever
simple. The reason for the previous illusion
ask yourself \£5CK? I DbocflS to be so perfect?
is because the sun is hitting so hard, that the
sheet of air immediate to the asphalt creates Keep asking yourself, because my modesty
an inverted double image that is similar to doesn't allow me to answer it
UINIT
yeah/ I almost forgot, we also accept
grown ups with child's exclusive permission
Kyung the great

"... Presently we are having some techni there!) that squiggled through the air. God,
cal difficulty. We are expecting only a short what am I doing here? The tormented
delay: Those who wish to wait, please keep screams never ceased to end, and the confu
your arms behindthegate. Again, we are ex sion of dark ceiling and thousands of star-
pecting onlya short delay. We apologize for want-to-be light bulbs clinging to it, only
the unexpectedscene... For those who haw seemed so real. The sight of the six connect
justarrived, presently we are ha\ing a minor ed rows of single-seated, waist up free roll
technical difficulty..." the voice of a ing object made me uneasy. I didn't know
stranger rung out through the speaker. Disap what was to come. Until then was excite
pointed sighs. The twinge of annoyance. A ment
few escaped curses. Few tourists decide to Our turn, finally. I slid into the fifth row
slip away, taking small hesitant steps and and lowered the securer to my lap. We were
and doubtful look-backs. I stayed. off. Go straight, turn left, then stop for the
A short delay, the voice assured. I waited words of "please teepyour hands and arms
this long, why not just a short moment? Ten inside the vehicle. This is only a security
minutes tick by. The confident smile fades, routine... Nowyou are ready to launch,"
and nervous finger tapping begins. Then then we were suppose to rear to the right
came the same voice booming again. I sharply for a dead drop. I clasped my hand
glanced up with bursting hope and glee. Can tightly on the handles and waited for the
we get on now? move. One more roll and....
" We are a minor technical difficulty "please keep ... nowyou are ready....
(what?) the time ofthe delayis unknown. All please keep... ready to launch... launch...
thepeople in the waiting area, please clear launch.... "the voice kept repeating the pro
the rows. Again, clear the waiting area. W? cedure. Fifth time, the tenth... What's going
apologize for the slight annoyance. Please on? We stupidly looked around for hanging
visit us again." out arms. First I was merely nervous, but
It was a blow. Traitor! How could you? now my heart seemed to devour itself. Never
We walked numbly out ofthe station. Didn't have I been tortured. We were practically
this happen yesterday also? My brother dangling on the edge.
cocked his head. Yes there was that devastat " we arehamig a minor technical diffi
ing incident culty, please remain quite for.... " those
Location: Magic Kingdom. Space Moun dreaded words.
tain was the ride. So many people! So dark. An elderly men peered into the mys
Only the skin-shivering distant screams that teriously lighted tunnel through the side
faded through the darkness, followed by the opening. Grin, slight wave, and the hearty
greenish glowing long object (see, look up "how are you all doing?" We answered with
groans. Suddenly I found a security men be and cybernets (which was thought to be pre
side us. "Just wait a sec guys. A women lost vented as shown in the movie Terminator
her sunglass during the ride. I keep telling 2' finished with the suicidal sacrifice of the
them to never place it on their hair, but (click metal+wire hero, played by Arnold) begins
tongue) they just never listen! (I-told-you-so and John and his gutsy mother try to stop it
shrug)." (again). The liquid guy was hired also in the
My brother began to count backwards typical cop uniform only to run after the mo
outloud while the elderly kids in the first two torcycle then be blown off on the floor in
rows started the Looney Toon song. mega-pieces by the typical terminator laser
I'll just say that we finally got to ride gun.
Space Mountain. So much bumping, rearing, Mantu is a newly built dark blue+yellow
and deadly close rails above our heads. I'm roller coaster that is known to be the longest,
not sure if it was worth the wait, but it was highest, and most dangerous ride in the
pretty fun, though. Anyway, coming back to world. It's simply the best. Other rides are
the first ride in Busch Gardens, I thought, an bumpy and screeching, a characteristic that
omen! There was another case of the techni makes the person uneasy and nervous. How
cal difficulty in Epcot Center, but it isn't ever Mantu was none of that. The eight by
worth the drag. four seats with no floor pads so that your feet
Disney: Magic Kingdom, market place, dangled freely underneath, was attached in
Pleasure Island, Planet Hollywood, Epcot the top rail. It glides smoothly and no bumps
Center, Disney stores, amusement shows, are noticeable. It's none scary. It only brings
various restaurants, and so on. Other than the you an awesome sensation all through.
Mickey world, there's the famous Universal The second-best two attractions were
Studios, the tail flipping and water soaking "Honey, I shrunk the audience," and "Alien
Sea World, and last but not least, Busch Gar attack! Extra terrestrials." You all most prob
dens (We didn't have the chance to look ar ably know these. In the first one, the audi
ound MGM studio nor other stuff). Most of ence, which is us, somehow ends up being
you guys are probably familiar with these shot by the shrinking machine and fall into
places in Orlando. For me, it was six days of the pickle of being blown tiny and a little kid
interminable walking. During the day, no picks us up and swing us around, a pet snake
problem. slithers over and poke his fangs into us, then
I'm too busy turning my head in every a giant dog sneeze upon us through the cur
possible direction ceaselessly in attempt to tain. Yuk! This is all done in 3D, accompa
take in as much as possible, walking toward nied by the skippering of thousand of white
the next attraction, while balancing my ice rats through our leg and the sprinkle of water
cream cone or muffled by popcorn (thinking for the gushy sneeze. The Alien scene is
about it, since my brother and I hung around frightening because it's pitch dark, and you
separately with our parents and they didn't have no dang idea what's gonna happen. It's
give us any spare money, it should be quite creepy.
impossible to obtain such proportion of food Well that's all I have to say about that If
as I bluffed. The choice was: stick with ma + any of you plan to drop by Orlando sooner or
dad, with the guarantee of secure food, but later, also don't miss the "Ellen's Time
dragging time or stick with bro, no food, but Travel." The designer was clever to make the
not a minute wasted to go through the de six sets of ten by ten seats all move around
sired attraction .♦♦ he, no we, preferred to be from room to room. Blaming my limited
independent from the guide, anyway). short-term memory, I can't think of any else.
The best two rides I witnessed were first I guess it's just important to enjoy to the
the "T2" (Terminator 2) in Universal Studio maximum. Oh and one more thing, don't let
and second, the great "Mantu" in Busch Gar your mind wander off to expect too much.
dens. T2 is a 3-D movie spectacle that's How rotten to be disappointed on your vaca
(briefly) about the war between the humans tion (personal experience).
A MOMENT OF
TRIUMPH
Allison Lugo

The cold wind blew some loose strands the player farthest towards the right. To my
of hair into my face as I looked up and ar surprise, she missed the pass and the next
ound me. It was the last field hockey game thing I knew the ball was heading straight to
of the season, and the winning team would wards ... ME!
go to the FCIAC semi-finals, I felt as though my heart was ready to
I took a long breath as I looked to the burst out of the iron grip of my lungs that
Scoreboard and saw the big red letters, glar were struggling to hold it back. Bringing
ing at me like sirens of warning. We were down my stick with full force, I now realized
down, 3-4, and as of now it seemed as the ball was in my possession, and every
though Darien was on its way to victory. I thing now depended on my next move.
reasserted my position as right-wing mid I felt the adrenaline race up within me
fielder and dug my cleats into the hard, and pulse through every fiber of my being as
packed soil. In the distance I could see the I steered the ball towards the goal post. Eve
boys's football team practicing, going rything and everyone around me became a
through drills and plays. But, all other blur, as my mind and body focused on the
thoughts fled my mind as I began to concen constant "crisscross, crisscross" as I "Indian"
trate and scrutinize over what would be our dribbled up field.
teams next move. Then came the final moment as I entered
Our coach had laid down our strategy into the center circle; this was it, now or nev
very simply; Dana, our forward, would pass er. Behind me I heard my friend and team
back to Jaime, who would then play the ball mate Kylie scream, "Drive it Alii, c'mon,
up field and (hopefully) into the goal. I let JUST DRIVE IT!!", and that I did. Every
my gaze wander for a second along the muscle in my body tensed as I pulled back
bleachers, crowded with parents and stud and gave it all I had with every ounce of
ents, as I shifted my stick nervously back and physical and inner strength I possessed. I
forth between my hands. I thought to my closed my eyes; silence, and then the scream
self, 'Thank God the spotlight won't be on ing as I was surrounded by my teammates in
me; I'd probably mess up one of the most a group hug.
important games of the season." A wave of relief and then satisfaction
Two seconds later I heard the clear, shrill flooded over me as I saw the score board
blast of the whistle break through the silence which now read Greenwich-4, Darien-4. I
and the crack of the stick against the ball as felt the sun, warm and friendly on my face
Dana drove it forward. I ran up along the and let the excitement of what had just hap
sidelines, just in case, in order to be alert if pened soak into my soul. Although I didn't
we had to make a quick change in plans. score the winning goal (yes, we made it, 5-
All of a sudden, I saw a player from the 4!), I had certainly gained a new respect and
opposite team step in front of Dana and inter confidence that day; as an athlete, a player,
cept her pass to Jaime. The girl had maneu and a person, not only for myself, but from
vered the ball into the center and out onto the my team as well.
sidelines, preparing to make a push pass to
Ben Baldizon

Before you read this article, there are a And the winners seem to be those who
few things that you should know. First, I prefer their paper from the bottom. I'm sure
was rushed for time to come up with a subject you could have come to that conclusion
for the article. In this desperate state, I yourself, but why make you think when we
appealed to my friends for ideas, and one of can do it for you? Now we shall hear some of
them came up with a survey. This struck me the reasons behind these answers.
as a particularly good idea. Now all I needed
was a question. I once again asked for ideas,
They came up with several that were
immediately rejected but finally Kevin (my
Over
brother) suggested, "Do you prefer your toilet "It makes life a lot easier and then you can do
paper to come form the top of the roll, the your homework faster."
bottom of the roll, or do you even care?" I -Anonymous Sophomore-
wasn't too thrilled by the prospect of writing
an article on toilet paper but everyone loved "Because it is more relaxing."
the idea and, let's face it people, they're the -Anonymous Teacher-
ones buying the magazine so I decided to give
them what they wanted. That established, "I like to pull it up and across so it's easier to
please send all complaints to my friends, who tear."
will remain anonymous for their safety. -Anonymous Sophomore-
Toilet paper—an invaluable commodity in

Under
today's world. I mean, there are other
sources you could use instead but wouldn't
you all prefer to just have a nice clean roll of
toilet paper instead of a grimy old newspaper "Because you can tear it off easier if it's the
or, even worse, a bunch of leaves from some one with ridges."
nearby tree. Now the question I asked the
-Anonymous Sophomore-
school was, "How do you prefer you toilet
paper?" The results to this survey, while
"Because it's cool."
most certainly not astounding, provide us
-Anonymous Junior-
with a deeper look at peoples lives, their
preferences, and the reason for these
"Because you're down anyway so it's easier
preferences. Who knows? Maybe some day to pull down."
a new field of psychology will open Anonymous Sophomore-
specifically to see how people prefer their
toilet paper. And maybe not. either way, I
"It's easier for my hand to pull down than to
am here to inform you so you will now be
strain my muscles pulling over."
informed. The result of this survey are: -Anonymous Teacher-

Out of a total of 25 people:


Eight people preferred their toilet paper to
come from the top of the roll, nine people
Who Cores!?
Their comments can be neatly summed up
prefer their toilet paper to come from the
with 4 words, "What a stupid question!"
bottom of the roll, and eight people didn't
really care one way or the other.
Do

VJE.EJP
ILOSOfHICAl
♦♦♦

Psycho Spanky

WARNING: The content of this article, but Markus and Sergio?! Oh no , not two of
must be seen as a joke. Answers are more in our "sweetest5* students! I think we now
a non-realistic point of view, and although know what they care about.
they seem to be very sarcastic they are all
part of the fun involved when writing this ar "No! I guess! Because they are freaks, but
ticle. Don't worry ladies, yon will get your they are cool too, and they also make me
revenge. happy".
There have to be many things involved in -Jorge Cortez
order for a relationship to work. One of those
important things is understanding. The truth Wait a minute! Does this guy has any
is, although it seems like us men at Colegio personality problems? I think you should de
Maya, know a lot about women, we really cide yourself. Whenever you are going to say
don't understand them at alh In a very recent something of this magnitude, think before
survey (conducted by myself), most of the saying it.
men at Colegio Maya showed that they agree
with the fact that women are almost impossi As you can see, here we have the
ble to understand. They also agreed that "MACHO" wanna be group from Colegio
women are so complicated that the only thing Maya, but not everybody is like this. We also
you can do is to love them, and try to com have the people that don't know what we ask
prehend their emotions. Now, lets analyze them about, or that have no answer to the
the answers to the question: "Do yon Under question.Let's check them:
stand women?99:
"No! because Vm a pig like most men, ac
"NO! They are too complicated, jealous, cording to my therapist. And because Vm
dramatic, and they also bother us too much. more into Hamsters than women. Besides If
But we need them for..." you don't like them (hamsters) you canflush
-Sergio Cortez and Markus Holla them down the toilet".
-Tom&s Lin
Are these guys crazy or what? Maybe
that's an answer that Mr. Berke will give us, Hey man you better start forgetting about
the hamsters, because they won't give you it fs too hard to understand them."
any "sssssssssociaT satisfaction (if you know -Joe Tally
what I mean). Just Kidding. The truth is
that, believe me, women have more brains I guess this is the most sincere answer we
than anything in the world, so you better stop have so far. It is also the one that best de
saying that. And remember what they say: scribes the situation. At the end you will al
"You can't live with them, but you can't live ways end up understanding them but it takes
without them". a long time, and it's hard.

"No! Well, actually some yes, some no. It de "No way! Because they are all weird."
pends on the lady". -Javier Lacayo
•Mr. Smith
That's also true, but it wouldn't be bad to
That's is supposed to be the answer of give it a shot and try to make their weirdness
one of the girls favorite teachers, and that's your best subject
the only thing he says. That shows the truth
in Mr. Pastore's statement "that's the typical "Although I don 9t understand them, I have it
Mr. Smith answer... no substance whatsoev very clear that they are the best thing you
er." Actually, this is reflected every day in can think of, and also the most beautiful
Mr. Smith's behavior. The bad jokes in class, ones.
the gestures he makes when dictating the vo -Anonymous
cabulary list for history, everything. But at
the same time these are the things that makes I told you, that the best was just coming,
him one of our favorite teachers (Although and that there were some nice and sweet an
we all now realize that he is a kid in a grown swers.
up body). Well that's it. The results are very clear,
and although not everybody was asked, the
"No! Actually sometimes. Once you get to most common answer was no.
know them theyjump off the deep end."
-Anonymous "/ think that women are understandable, it
just takes time and patience. When you really
This guy got so ashamed of what he said, get to know them, they are everything for
that when we told him that we were actually you. I think that they are the essence of life
going to publish this, he didn't want his name and although they are complicated, they are
on it simply the best Aren V they guys? "
-Edgardo Pabon
After reading this, I hope you ladies have
an idea of the kind of students (and teachers) Maybe you are thinking that this is my
we have here. But don't let your mind trick answer, and that it was written in order to
you, because the best and most honest an apologize for some of the things written in
swers are coming up next. Please keep on this article. The truth is that I know that this
reading, these are the serious ones. is what most men think in the world, (maybe
because I'm one of them) it's just that to
"NO! because what they do makes no day's society doesn't "accept" that as an an
sense.'9 swer from a respectable man. Women also
-Gus have a lot to do with this, because they are
liberating themselves, and leaving us behind.
Well that seems very honest to me. At Good for you.
least he said what he thinks. See you later in this magazine, and re
member guys women are the best thing there
"NO! not really. Well actually you can, but is in this school.
Paul O'Sullivan
Hello fellow Colegio Maya Students! Susan Sperry: Why what? WHY? just
Welcome to another bright and abundant WHY? (silence) (extended period of silence)
year of learning great and glorious things for I don't know! (Mindless laughter)
our up and coming life (well, not really)!
Well, it's that time of year where I go around Luisa Meyerman: Because... we... are...
campus with a intellect tricker of a question all... aliens... from... planet... um...
and ask you, the students here at Colegio (silence)...Jupiter
Maya to answer it as contemplatively or as
stupidly as possible- Ain't it a grand world Gustavo Andrade: (laughing) Why? WHY?
out there? Yes it is! OK, is everybody ready Why? WHY? Why what? (more laughter)
out there? Do you have your thinking caps Because all the food in the cafeteria
on? No?! Well, it doesn't really matter be (profanity)!
cause this question doesn't take a rocket sci
entist to figure out specially because there is Kyung Ro: Don't ask... (laughs) because
no real answer. All right, her it is, this mod you're ugly.
ern marvel of monstrosity, the first Q/efti©it
jreinhell!, This question took me a whole four Giancarlo Valle: Why what? Why? (silence)
hours to think up I put a lot of time and I know what you're doing! I know where you
brain power to do it OK, 1*11 give it to you live! You (censored), and as for your... just
bluntly. kidding, did I hurt your feelings?
WHY?
Why? You ask? Well, that's why silly- Markus Holla: Why why? why what? What
billy gumdrops. There you go. This is a total the... are you talking about? I am talking
ly brilliant, inconceivable, astounding, not to about why?! OK, what the (beep) question is
mention absurd, and yet so pointless of a that?! I'm leaving!
question! I personally think this question is
perfect for the bright, intelligent intellectual, Mr. Jonathan Berke, Science teacher: Why
(well, most of Aem) fine young scholars here what? Is that the question?? Yes. Why do
at Colegio Maya. Some of the answers I got you ask me such questions? why do you
were so totally ludicrous and some of the an stretch my mind? Why what? Why, (brief
swers I got were incredibly amazing, but pause) is science? (proceeds to nearest door
only some. While reading the responses I am and departs rapidly. Wonder why?)
in boldface and the questionnaires are in the
regular font. Miguel Turner. Because I said so. (rushes to
WHY? library with video camera).

Jamie Brown: Why not?


Albert Delgado: Why what? Why, just why?
why?!!! Because I said so!(deja vu) x,y,z! FREE CRANIAL
(huh)

Christina Miller: Because I say sooo?


ACUPUNCTURE
(extended period of thoughtful silence) A pear is not a pair, nor is a pair a pear,
what's the question? and why do you want to unless a pear is half a pair of pears, in which
know? oh, oh because urn,., this guy came case the pear, half a pair of pears, might be a
over one night and we decided to go to the pear of pairs, but not a pair of pears, unless
strawberry fantasy thing, oh and caramel and the pear is a pear of pairs, in which case half
hot chocolate, oh the wax, the wax too! After a pear a pear but half a pear is not a pair, it's
our exchange of sweet verbs we decided to a pear of a pair.
take a dip in the bubbling chocolate whip
cream hot tub, like cappuccino! Bat why?! Gertrud: What kind of music does a police
That's the question! "Cause we were hun man like?
gry! The real question is, who is the guy? Ninbo: I don't know.
Gertrud: Criminal records.
Ben (the bold): X!
Staffer: Why is it hard for a lady bug to hide?
Mr. Connolly, Internet Focus teacher: Laniton I'll bite
Why... why what? Why? silence... why? Staffer Because she is always seen.
yup! (silence)... there has to be something
that precedes that or that follow is, why is the Freejoles: anyone here quick at picking up
world round? why do computers have virus instruments?
es? you know? Ghwandiffuderia: We are Sir.
Freejoles: Great, you two move that piano!
Well it's surprising that the most com
mon answer from all the questioners was Jude-luderville: Why did the watch get
"why not?" and "Because I said so." , Oh kicked out of class?
well. It's easy to see that this time around Crat-jin-throb: Why is that.
CM students really didn't open their minds Jude-luderville: because it was tick-talking.
this time around. But, as I said, oh well.Ob-
viously these people don't have the imagina Said a carpenter to his assistant,
tion to come up with these questions like me. " Dawitcanooseeeyeoteyeoutullaails? ".
Each Pulse will have a new Q/efjfan jreip hell What was he trying to say?
and on every Pulse a lucky student will win "Damn it, can't you see I've got my mouth
full of nails?"
an award for ingenuity and imagination.
Now, don't get your hopes up, (I doubt you
Add np the numbers by reading each
even care) all you get is your name in big
new total aloud, like this: One thousand,
print in the magazine. This quarter's award
goes to: _
one thousand ten, two thousand thirty, etc.
Do not add by totaling the individual col
umns in the usual way.
1000
10
1020
10
1030
10
1010
Congratulations!!!! Although it's not 10
much, well, it's something. You Should get 5000
Q/effj©q jreif* hell
What is bctor, dogs or cats?
WHY?
Paul O'Sullivan

Well, well, well, This time around there some reason disagree with the answer then
is going to be a question that actually makes you have the right to do... nothing. Tough
sense. Well, . . . sort of. Actually, oh. . . luck!!
never mind. OK now, if you actually read For future reference when I happened to
the first pages of this issue of the Maya enter peoples responses the type is in bold.
Pulse* this article may be familiar to you. Thank yon.
That's for the two percent of the people that
actually read page for page. The first article O.K. dogs or cats, which is better and
of this ongoing series contained the mind- WHY?
boggling question, Why?. The main dif
ference in this article is that the questions an Alex Petricevic: "Dogs or cats? yeah. Dogs
swers will be almost all opinions. Unless an .. .why? Cause I can beat the crap out of lit
yone actually takes the time to analyze it and tle cats. Cats are weak.(Insane grin and glint
compute the answers, nah that would never in his eye-)
happen. Now the dog lovers of Colegio
Maya I call you to unite! Just as the cat Mariana Raskosky: "Dogs because I don't
lovers band together into one! I expected like cats."
some pretty heated responses and fiery argu
ments but that's showbiz baby! Anyways, I Mary Joe Lent: "Cat's because they are
myself am a newt lover. Those little lizards fluffier/'
are sooo cute! Although I have been in tra
gedy ever since Nerbal the third grade class Miguel Turner: "Dogs man, cat's are ugly!"
gerbildied. I think he died of a tumor. Oh, I
can't go on,.... Oscar Sparrow: "Dogs cause cat's do noth
ing but sit around the house and do nothing."
(A minute of silence for poor old Nerbal)
Maggie Rhodes: "Dogs because Maria* says
I suppose your not here to hear MY trou so! (laughing)
bles. That's ok, I'm fine don't worry about
little old me. In this article I have revived Kevin Swartz: "Dogs, why? oh, cause
the classic question of dogs and cats with a they're manly, they're strong and stuff."
little help from Mr Pastore*. Now since this
is probably the last question from hell article Dan Luna: "Dogs better cause cats are for
I'm going to expand the number of responses (censored).
( your welcome, I know you love me!). Oh,
and everybody remember about the best most Su-Han Park: "I like dogs, no actually cats,
creative coolest just all around good response cause they're more females than males."
prize. If you recall last page's winner was
Christina Miller from Tenth grade. (Yay Valerio DeMeo: "Cats cause they represent
Sophomore!!). At the end the response the (censored)."
answers will all be tallied up and you can see
what really is better, dogs or cats. If you for Debra Walsh: "I like dogs cause you feel
like you can talk to them- They have a pow NOTE: Due to mechanical errors the first
er within, they have their own AURA. Good question from hell article is included in front
feeling" Hey! Double the fun, Allright!!!

Jorge Cortez: "Cats because you can pet *Great magazine definitely worth the five
them. Dogs, . . . you can't pet them and if Q's. (That's cheaper than a lunch everyone!
you uh. . . throw them they go like this We are quite the bargainers here at the
(makes odd gestures and starts screeching. Pulse® headquarters.)
Starts purring and growling like a cat. (I
can't tell.)). **Due to the tyranny of Mr. Pastore (and
his masters) this article and many others
Magnus Franklin: "Dogs cause they are um. could have been a lot funnier. I mean a lot
.. uh... like They're ya know,... funnier!! This may not be America but the
um ... (laugh) (very looooong pause) They first amendment still applies here, I hope.
are, um... mmmore friendly." Thank you for reading. It's been a pleas
ure, likewise I'm sure.
Jemi Yang: "Dogs because I don't like cats, I leave YOU the captivated audience
(laughing) Is that it? yup. with a popular African phrase,
"Nkrma bantu nertimukr mertimer thig-
Maria Koch: "Dog's because they are a lot pop up up, thacow,... heifer ooohhh!"
more playful... I guess." This phrase means Do not intersect your
path more than twice cause you will be
Alex Fortman: " Cats because they are bored, cows are good, ooohhh!
smaller." Thank you for your time now i leave
you with a popular Polish phrase,
Javier Lacayo: "Cats because they are. . . "Psaouii mi Boushka. Pasouii mi nako!
fluffy. He he fluffy and furry, he he he!" Boingeewheeee!"
Thank you for your cooperation now I
Carolina Mejia: "Dogs because I don't like leave you with a popular Hungarian phrase,
cats." "Yadolaywheehooooooo.hoo hooeiii
whehah!"
Well,... as you can see there are many Thank you for putting up with this
innovative answers and many um. . . good nonsense now my last phrase a typical cow
answers. I was just being polite many an boy household phrase,
swers were just dumb. Oh well what do you "Yeeeehah giddy up little doggys fore I
expect? It's plain that you can see dogs ac git me my dog walloping gitar!. Thelma
cording to these select few students reign su where's the beef!!??"
preme here at Maya. Maybe next year cat Arriveaderci or sumpin like that!
lovers.
Here's the tally, To join the

Dogs: 11 PULSE FAN


Cats:6
It was almost a total landslide in the
CLUB
dog's favor but oh well, that's how it goes. send one hundred quetzales in small un
Oh and before I forget the Best coolest marked bills to Paul O'Sullivan 10b. In re
neatest just hot diggity dog good answer turn you will receive a annual newsletter, a
award goes this time to a junior! Her name sticker, a shirt and a poster of the staff. Isn't
that neat!!.
is Debra Walsh!
Good job and give yourself a pat on the If you are still here you have no life.
back.
ucria
A Great
Edgardo Pabon
Los Enanitos Verdes (The Green man who doesn't like his life and the place
Dwarfs) have been out of the music market where he is living. He tries to find a way of
for quite a long time. They have disappeared running away from it, but it seems impossi
since Big Bang, their last album and debut to ble since the little things he likes seem to be
the world of alternative Spanish music. The more important than all of those large things
members of the Argentinean band are: that he dislikes, and that is driving him crazy.
The song is called "Dale Pascual" ("Push it
Marciano Cantero: singer, bass, and key Pascual" , lyrics by Saiti, and music by
board Felipe Saiti: guitar Marciano Cantero). It's rhythm, theme and
Daniel Piccolo: drums. voice makes it one of the best songs of the
album.
"Guerra Gaucha" CGauchan War" X El Dia Es Claro" ("It's a Clear Day",
marks the return of the "Enanitos Verdes". It lyrics by Cantero, and music by both Cantero
has been a year and a half since their last CD and Saiti), is a song that describes the liberty
appeared, and this new one promises to be a man feels when he realizes that he doesn't
superior than its predecessor. love the woman he once loved He also says
Almost all the songs in the CD are com what he hates about the situation he was liv
posed by either Marciano Cantero or/and Fe ing and how he has now to decide what will
lipe Saiti. The disk has basically two main happen with his life.
themes: the first is life and love, and the sec On the song "Ella" ("Her" ), we have
ond, social and the economic problems in the participation of one of the best singers of
Latin American countries. It's composed of this genre, the lead singer for one of the best
15 songs, one of them not composed by any and popular groups, Cafe Tacuba: Cosme.
member of the group but by Charlie Garcia, Cosme provides a duet with Cantero to pro
another Spanish singer. By the time of this duce a very fine piece of work, and a very
writing, the album was only one month old nice song. By the way, it was written by Sai
and already had two songs ("Dale Pascual", ti.
and "Eterna Soledad") playing on the radio The fifth song of the record, written by
and taken the first places on the popularity Saiti and Cantero, is called "Ldgrimas En
charts of Latin American radio stations. Calcutta" ("Tears in Calcuta"). It talks about
The disk starts with the song that gives a man that wants to make a woman to forget
name to the album "Guerra Gaucha" (lyrics about her last love, and he promises her that
and music by Felipe Saiti), which talks about he will make all the tears in her heart disap
the social problems of a certain country and pear.
summarizes that if these problems don't find "No Te Sobra Una Moneda" ("Do You
a solution soon, it will bring chaos and revo Have an Extra Coin?"), is the only song
lution. written by an outsider, Charly Garcia. And
The next song, the first one the band believe me, you don't want to listen to this
started promoting, is about the thoughts of a song. It has no theme, it is just a bunch of
phrases and sentences placed together. I sad reality is that we have spent so much
don't know exactly why the band even decid time out of our respective countries, that
ed to include this atrocity on this CD. when we go back we don't adjust to the
The best song of this disk is"Eterna Sole- country, and we realize that there is nowhere
dad" ("Eternal Solitude" , lyrics by Can we belong to. Lyrics by Cantero, and music
tero, and music by Saiti). It reflects the feel by Saiti.
ings of a man when he is dumped and is left Song number eleven of the recording is
by himself in the house in which he has spent called "Heroes al Fin" ("Heroes at Last").
his entire life with the woman he loves. The It was written by Felipe Saiti, and the music
music is very slow and the combination with is by Marciano Cantero. The song explains
the lyrics is how life is, and how
the album's we all were bom for
best. something on Earth.
"El Pats The only difference
Del No Dor- is that the labor of
mir " ("The some is clearer than
No-Sleep the labor of others.
Country "; "Estoy en el Infier-
lyrics and no" ("Vm in Hell",
music by Fe- lyrics by Saiti, and
lipe Saiti) music by Daniel
shows Argen Piccolo) is the only
tinean flavor song in the disk in
and has kind which the drummer
of Tango as of the group partici
the back pated as a compos
ground mu er/
sic. In fact, "Salpicdndonos"
every time a talks about the mo
person hears ment when love is
this song, finally found after a
they ask if long absence. The
the group is song is by Felipe
from Argenti Saiti, and it's a very
na because of good song, even
this back though it's not yet
ground. The song is about a man who got popular.
jumped in the street and whose girlfriend was The next song is called "Kumbalenque",
kidnapped. It talks about what happened (lyrics by Saiti, and music by both Saiti and
when the police came, and when the man Cantero). As its name shows, it is a different
woke up and realized what had happened. song with a strong Caribbean influence,
The following song describes the way a showing the group's great talent and the var
man feels after his girlfriend leaves him and iety in it's taste in music.
how he can't figure his mistake. Written by The last song explains when a man is
Saiti, with the music by Cantero, the song dumped by his girlfriend, but the weird thing
"Fuiste" ("It was You") is exactly like its' is that although he says he enjoyed it, and
title, a total confusion! that he loves her, he doesn't want to go back
"El Delftn" or "The Dolphin", is the with her. The song is called "Caretas Sin
story of many of us here at Colegio Maya. Alma" ("Masks Without Soul" , lyrics by
Out of our homeland and thinking that we Cantero, and music by both Cantero, and
will be better off when we go back. But the Saiti.)
(fou needed to know
about life and mone.
u/ttt not neatty*
Paul O' Sullivan

This article will give you 8. A picture of your uncles tat


all the information about cheat too.
ing, parents, sciences, finance, 9. Your parent's old love let
etc. Now, this article was ters.
made mostly from the famed 10. When all else fails, your
book Bart Simpson's Guide to invisible friend.
life. I really enjoyed this book
and so did many of my friends
so I hope you enjoy this article Annoying
as much as I do. Sometimes I
will take actual quotes from the questions to
book and from the man Bart
himself. This book is Copy- ask your
wrighted 1993 Matt Groening
productions inc. teacher
DISCLAIMER: This article and book
has been created solely for entertainment rea
sons. Bart and I take no claim in your pun 1. Can I go to the tinkle dinkle ha ha room?
ishment. However, Bart and I take full re 2. Did you get up on the wrong side of the
sponsibility for improvement in your own bed today?
life, commencing with the purchase of this 3. Do amoebas feel love?
article. Enjoy!! 4. Why do dogs sniff our butt?
O.k. here we go! 5. How's the diet going?
and the ultimate question,

School 6. Is any of this information pertinent to real


life?

Last minute show and tell ideas.


Around die house:
1. Scars (Make up a good story)
2. Grannys dentures.
3. Potato Chips in the shape of famous peo
ple. (Richard Nixon is a surefire crowd
pleaser.)
4. Stitches. (Explain how they got there. Be
creative!)
5. Your dad's toupee.
6. Your dad's rifle.
7. Your dad's size xxxl underwear. (For
xxxl laughs!)
pencil. With one hand signal the number and
with the other hand use the pencil to signal.
Point up for true and point side-ways for
false. If you realize neither of you know the
answer break the pencil in half and bury your
head in shame.
If you are going to try it alone I'd sure
you have all heard of these. Crib-sheets and
Cheat sheets. There you go that's all you re
ally need. If you don't have the time to make
those follow these discreet maneuvers.
Pencil drop: Drop your pencil or paper
and take a discreet peek At your neighbor's
paper.
A trip to the sharpener Use this valuable
time to pick up answers you can't get from
the dummies surrounding your desk.
NOTE: This material is being given out
solely for entertainment reasons. But, if you
want to try good luck!!

Fun Food Facts


1. Raw bacon makes a great face mask.
2. Asparagus
turns your pee
bright yellow.
3. Bubble

A handy dandy gum contains


rubber.

guide to cheating 4. Peanuts are


actually
legumes and an
almond is a
When the pop quiz pops up or you just fruit.
realized that the history test is today, what 5. One variety
do you do? You refer to this handy dandy of onion in an
guide to cheating provided by the master cient Egypt
Bart Simpson. Just practice these techniques was
and you'll be getting c's instead of f s in no worshipped as
time! a god.
Seating: As in real estate the three most 6. Turkey
important words are location, leads the world
location.location! Obviously, don't sit near in cereal con
the teacher. Use cover, sit behind someone sumption.
with big hair and don't sit near any snitches. 7. Coke can clean grungy money!
Try to sit next to someone that's cool and 8. The tomato is native to Peru.
doesn't mind handing over answers. 9. Manrara is a raw dish served in Sudan
Using signals: Work these out before and contains urine and bile as flavoring in
class with a friend and you should be good to gredients.
go. If it's a true or false test all you need is a
body is about two thirds water.
3. The real name for the funny bone is the
humerus.
4. The longest hair ever belonged to Swami
Pandarasanndhi, an Indian monk. It was 26
feet long.

Cool things to be when you grow up

1. Ice cream taste tester


2. Vampire
3. Billionaire
4. Secret agent
5. Trillionaire

Things not to be when yon grow up

1. Street mime
2. Janitor at an adult movie theater
3. A clone of your parents
More food fun,

Beware! The follow


ing harmless but appetizing
names of food are actually a
disguise of hideous foods.
Don't be fooled by their se
ductive nicknames!!
1. Tripe-Ox stomach
2. Sweet breads- Pancreus or
thymus glands of a calf/
3. Variety meats-Visceral or
gans

4. Melt-Spleen 4. Republican
5. Headcheese- A loaf ofjellied meats in 5. Leech farmer
cluding pig heads
and hog feet Lies your parents tell you
meat.
6. Lights-Lungs L Someday you'll thank me.
7. Praire oysters- 2. I'm only gonna say this once.
Horse or bull tes 3. You'll be sony.
ticles 4. You will understand when you are older.
5. I'm only doing this for your own good.
O.k. obviously this is not the whole book
Bonus body but it's good enough. If you want more buy
fun facts!! the book! Remember this is only for enter
1. The human tainment uses, so don't go do anything bad or
body contains nothing. I hope you enjoyed this as much as
3,000,000 sweat I Hum

The human
WHO ARE
THE TOADIES? mm
Sebastian Strzalkowski

The Toadies are: Ok, on to the next paragraph...


Todd Louis The Fort Woth based band didn't do so
Lisa Umbarger well at first, but when they released their al
Darrel Herbert bum, they made it big in the music industry.
Where do they get their monster grooves that
Mark Reznicek
break the line between chugging *70 metal
Todd's father was a southern Baptist and post punk, such as Mister Love? "Teen
preacher, so Todd was a little religious boy anger." is their response.
who went to church all the time. He wasn't The band is calm and relaxed compared
allowed to listen to the radio until he was 13. to the psychopaths that inhabit their songs. A
His parents told him Rock n' lot of their songs also have Chris-
Roll was Satan's music. Todd's tian influences such as
parents believed that if you wer- "Backslider", a song about a being
en't miserable, you were screw brought up by a Christian Baptist
ing off, so Todd decided he was At one concert the Toadies had in
going to screw off. Florida, almost all their fans were
The Toadies were formed in dressed up in black and had fake
1990 when Todd Louis met lisa fangs supporting the Toadies' first
Umbarger when he was working hit song, Dead in the Water. It
at a record store. They decided 1 kind We freaked the band out at
to make a band instead of being cashiers. first, but as long as the fans don't get back
How did Darrel Herbert and Mark Reznicek stage and start a vampire groupie, the band
join? There was another girl in the band, but will be safe.
she left, they came and joined. The Toadies have come a long way, they
Todd is the lead vocal/guitarist, Umbarg started out pretty slow, but now they're... do
er is the bassist, Darrel is the rhythm guitar ing better. They're not exactly doing great,
and Mark handles the drums. They do quite a but they're doing pretty good for a punk
dandy job at it too. The Toadies are not ex band from Fort Worth, Texas.
actly the greatest band ever to be conceived,
but they have a few good hits on their album,
"Rubberneck". Hey, if nobody minds, I think
pipsickle (just for fun), "Pipsickle!"
Inbal Mazar

I chose to do this article since I was in


Pearl of Pain
Mrs.Barrera's class last year and I know that A pearl,
her originality has absolutely no limits* She sweet illusion,
tries to make learning fun for and always
the hope of a kiss,
manages to get the best of her students. In
the wish of a strange passion,
this article, you will get to know the way that
the search for love,
Colegio Maya's students write. Your friends kiss me sweet venom
who you thought couldn't care less about an
carry me in your heart
ything, seem to care about even flies.
The first poems were written by the AP
Spanish Literature class. There are mostly
odes (a poem that praises an object, thing or
person) Some of these poems were made in Oda a la foto.
the shape of the subject I'm sure there was a Foto como una pintura perfecta
lot of effort put into them so take your time como una imagen identica.
to read them. And, like the rest of the staff Foto que encierras recuerdos.
stated, there is so much talent in this school... hermosos y triztes
(All poems originally in Spanish, translations Foto que eres como una imagen viva
by Inbal) no nos dejas olvidar buenos momentos
Foto como
La Vida
La vida es un camino largo para recorer, lle- una imagen emocional,
que nos hace centir alegres y tristes.
na de peligros y de felicidad, donde no hay
Foto la cual ayuda a la pena,
regreso, donde no hay camino hacia atras. Lo
que nos hace mas dificil olvidar.
unico que pueda son recuerdos para seguir
adelante. Foto: un pedazo de nuestra vida.
Loretta Luk •Alejandro Valbuena

LIFE
Life is long road, full of dangers and happi Ode to the Picture
ness, where there is no road back. All that is picture like a perfect painting
left are memories to keep going ahead. like an identical image
Picture that captures memories
Peria del Dolor beautiful and sad
Una perla, picture that is like a live image
dulce ilusion, that doesn't let us forget good moments
la esperanza de un beso, picture like an emotional image,
el deseo de una rara passion, that makes us feel happy or sad
la busca por un amor, picture that helps die grief
besame dulce veneno, that makes us harder to forget
llevame en el corazon. picture a piece of our lives.
-Tomas Lin.
Cancion de Primavera Mira
Hoy siento en mi alma Mira
el florecer de las rosas
la juventud que me espera piensa en la
la alegria de la vida. precencia, que
te mira y te mira,
El brillo de mi luz que tanto te quiere
apenas comienza que te cuida y te cuida
resplandece tan fuerte Al que no puedes ver
como una nueva estrella. pero puedes creer
una luz que te espera
Caminos con tropiezos al final de este tunnel
encontratre con omnipotente
y levantarme sabre podery
con coraje y valentia. el hambre
del
La vida es larga querer
la vida me espera -Maria Estrada
y con alegriapienso vivirla.
Aim no ha pasado el verano
Look
Look upwards
Aun no llega el invierno.
the presence
-Loretta Luk that sees you and sees you
that loves you so much
and takes care of you
and takes care of you
The one that you cant see
Song of Spring but you can believe....
Today I feel in my soul A light that awaits you
the blossoming of the roses at the end of the tunnel
the youth that awaits me with omnipotent
the happiness of my life.

The shine of my light Oda al sol


barley begins Chispa adecuada despampanante,
it shines so bright oro entre las estrellas de plata
like a new star. fuego vibrante y carnal
enciendes el urnverso
Bumpy roads con tu luz ardiente
I will find me ahogas de pies a cabeza
and I will know how to rise en tu calor y tu presencia
with courage and bravery, despertar al amanecer,
con tus rayos extendidos,
life is long como dedos hacia mi alma,
life awaits me me acaricias la cara
and with happiness con la ternura de tu aurora,
I think of living it. y me Uenas el dia de
Summer has not passed yet claridad y sonrisa
al atardecer- un circulo encarnado
Winter is not here yet
que se apaga, en las olas del mar
-Alison Lugo
Ode to the sun Ode to the Drop
Outrageous adequate spark, you being the drop
gold among silver stars, a melody
vibrant worldly fire, with each note
light up the universe- you cry a lot
with your burning light, being
you drown me from head to toe, the one that releases
in your heat and your presence. our pain
Waking up at dawn seeing the whole world
with your rays extended frequently
like fingers to my soul, you laugh at our own disgrace
you caress my face at the people
with the tenderness of your dawn at each drop
you fill my day, there will always be a note
with clarity and smiles, in you and in me.
At sunset, a embodied circle
that turns out in the waves of the ocean

The next few odes were done by the first


language freshmen Spanish class which
seems to have a future in writing poems. El Heroe Anonimo
No eres famoso
Mrs.Banrera seems to be very proud of
this class when she handed me these poems. I Ni tienes dineral
hope that you can enjoy them as much as she Mi heroe grandioso
does. Fulano de Tal.

Fuerte si no eres
En manera personal
Pero en corazon posees
Oda a la Gota Gran fuerza contra el mat.
Siendo tu una gota
Todo to carino
una melodia
Rompe mis defensas.
con cada gota
Con tantos sacrificios
tu lloras mucho
siendo Siempre recompensas.
el que desahoga
Credito no pides
de nuestro dolor.
por todo lo que has hecho
viendo el mundo entero
y lo que haces siempre
frecuentemente
es del corazon en to pecho.
te ries de nuestra desgracia
-Ana Mercado.
por la gente.
por cada gota
siempre hay una nota
end yen mi!!
-Zuleira Chock
My Anonymous Hero Thanks to Mrs.Barrera's class, we had the
You are not famous nor rich pleasure to enjoy these poems that demon
my grand hero strated the talents of our classmates. We
John Doe hope to be getting more for next quarter.

You are not strong


in a personal matter but
in heart you posses
BONUS EXTRA
CRISPY POEMS
great force against evil.

All your love


breaks my defenses
with many sacrifices fROM THE
always rewarded.

You don't ask for credit


PULSE'S
for all that you have done
and what you always do,
comes from the heart in your chest.
POETRY
Oda al Amor.
VAULT®!!!
El amor es algo sensual en la vida (As typed by Ben Baldizon)
es algo que nadie
lo puede tocar ni oler.
Whenever
Es una brisa caliente
Eon J. Byun
en un lado de tu cuerpo sientes
tu corazon saltar.
Whenever I'm listening to music,
I remember how you danced.
Asi sopla el amor
Whenever I pass by the movies,
como la abeja
I remember how much you enjoyed them.
chupando la miel
Whenever I see raindrops,
su dulzura sobre
I remember how you told me stories.
el mundo entero.
Now that you are gone,
-Zuleira Chock.
Whenever or wherever I'm at
I remember you.
Ode to Love
Love is something sensual in life
it is something no one
I tried to tell you
can touch or smell.
Eon J. Byun
It is a hot breeze
I tried to tell you,
on one side of your body you feel
I... have to be at home early.
your heart jump.
I... have to go.
I... have practice.
That is how love blows
I... have to babysit
like a bee
But what I really wanted to tell you,
sucking the honey
to tell you was that
its sweetness over
I love you
the whole world.
Libs
Jamie Brown

(I give total credit for the idea of these time At Colegio Maya, our cafeteria food is
user-upers to whoever invented Mad libs)
Fill in the the spaces above each Lib BE* relatively . Once,
FORE reading the story. Then, as you read
the story, use the words you filled in before (2) entered the cafeteria
hand in the story.
and smelled a (3) aroma,

Cafeteria Food reminding him of his mother's

(4) back in
1. adjective:
(5) He decided to try it,
2. name of male teacher.
but when he got to the counter, he saw
3. adjective:

4. noun: (6) (7)

5- place:
in the pans instead of the

6. colon (8) food he expected. Out

7. noun: ___^____
of courtesy, he bought the

(9). food and began to


8. adjective:
(10). _back to his seat
9. adjective:
among the other (11).
10. verb:
teachers like him. There was
11. adjective:
(12) on the floor and he
12. liquid:
slipped and fell on his (13) .
13. part of the body:
(14L came to help him
14. name of female teacher:
get back on his (15). . She
15. part of the body:
picked up his (16) . for him
16. noun:
and said, "You (17)_ dear!"
17. adjective:
He looked up at her and saw the look in her
18. adjective:
(18) eyes. Sparks
19. verb, past tense:
(19) . He knew this was
20. adjective:
(20) love.
Bowling
One day, I (1) all of my

1. verb in past tense:


(2) friends and asked them if

2. adjective:
they wanted to bowl. (3) said

3. male person in room:


he couldn't come because his pet

4. animal:
(4) (5) his mom's

5. verb, past tense: (6). _. But everyone else could

6. noun: come.

7. article of clothing: Once at the bowling alley, we put on bowling

8, person in room: (7) . When (8)

9. article of clothing: took off his (9) , the room began

10. noun: to smell of (10) . The people

11. verb ending in -ing: ran out of the room (11) and

12. part of the body: holding their (12) .

13. a game: We decided to play (13) . in

stead at (14) .'s house. Before


14. person in room:

we got there, though, a (15) .


15. noun:

fell on my (16) .
16. adjective:

(17) . and I screamed


17. noun:

"(18) .!" Then a (19) .


18. exclamation:

moving (20)_ . ran us over and


19. adverb:

we all died.
20. noun:
Uranus
Two (1). . astronauts, Larry
1. adjective:
and Mo, were (2) _. in their very
2. adjective:
(3) . space shuttle. Then a
3. adjective:
(4) . flying (5) . hit

4. adverb:
the spaceship and they were forced to land

5. noun:
on Uranus. When they got out of the ship,

6. color: they saw a (6) . alien

7. number (7) feet tall with

8. number .. (9). ... Surpris

ingly, he greeted them in (10).


9. body part (plural):

and they understood! Mo said,


10. language:

"(11) .!" but Larry stayed calm


11. exclamation:
and said, "Take me to your (12)
12. adjective:
master." The alien, offended, picked up a

13. noun:
(13) . and threw it at the

14. adjective:
(14) . humans. He grabbed

15 adverb: them (15) „ by the

16. article of clothing: (16) . Then he (17) .

17. verb, past tense: them to a teleporter and sent them to

(18) .. "(19) .!"he


18. place:

exclaimed.
19. exclamation:
132 Different Phrases
Roberto Castafter
I don't know about you, but I think it is I want to thank the people who gave me the infor
cool to learn things in other languages. mation: Magnus Franklin (Sweedish), Alex
That's why I wrote this article. Here I have a Fortman(Dutch), Carlos Hiroshi (Japanese), Alice
column of languages and one of phrases. I Chen (Chinese), Tito Massis (Arab), Sergio Cortez
looked up how to say all twelve phrases in (Portuguese), Andrea Vieira (Portuguese, French),
eleven different languages and filled it in. I Kyung Ro(Korean), Alon Cohen (Hebrew), Antonio
hope you find it interesting; I did. Luzzi (Italian).

Language/Phrase Hi I love "name" I'm Sorry


French Bonjour J'aime "name" Pardon
Arab Marjaba Ana Beheb "Name** gharmuta
Korean (an-nyon) (sa-rang-he) "name11 (mee-an-he)
Hebrew shalom ani oev et "name" animitztaer
Japanese yah watashiwa* "name" aishiteru gomenazay

Dutch Hallo Ik hou van "name" het spyt me


Italian ctao io amo "name" scusa

Spanish Hoia Yo amo a "name" Perd6n


Chinese ni-how uo-ai tuepuchi
Sweedish hej jag alska "name' jag ad lessen
Portuguese a Eu amo o "name" Perdao
Language/Phrase Tie your shoes Smile You are Beautiful
French Fait tes lacets Sourit Tu es belle
Arab Kusimad ahmar kusujtal
Korean (keun-mu-c6) (u-su-te) (no-neun-a-reum-da'-wo)
Hebrew Tikshor et a srqjim sheljah J1UJ atyafa
Japanese kutihimo o musube warate kawaiine
Dutch maak je shcoenen vast lachen jebentmooi
Italian allaccia le tue scarpe sorridi tuseibella
Spanish amdrrate el zapato Sonrfe Estas bien buena
Chinese chin ni pan nit shie tai tiau i tiau ni hen piau lian
Sweedish knitskuna le du ar vacker
Portuguese amarraos seus sapatos Sorie voce e bonito
Language/Phrase Eat my Shorts Don't Have a Cow, Man! Stop Touching Me!
French mange-mesa shorts Ne t'enerves pas Arrete de me toucher
Arab jara 99? kul jara
Korean rrm (yol-bad-ji-ma*) (ee-son-chi-wo!)
Hebrew tohfli et a mihnazflim shell altitragez tafseek ligoa bi
Japanese kolekue mukininaruna sawaruna

Dutch eetmyn shorts daar hoef jc met over in te zftten raak me niet aan
Italian mangia miei pantaloocini nonezzerepazzo fermati di toccarmi
Spanish cdmete mis panSalooes no te enojes Dejaelmanoseo
Chinese can m nan pe ta 1 zwniou puiaopenuo

Sweedish atminamcoch briddeinte rormeiinte


Portuguese come meus shorts Naofiquezangado para de me tocar

Language/Phrase Where is the beef? Don't act weird Where is the bathroom?
French Ou est la viande? Ne fais par l'imbecile Ou son! les toilettes?
Arab kusimdard heenalora ifoshgotin?
Korean (cu-gui-di-sa) (mi-jin-gi-ha-shi-ma*) (hwa-jang-sil-uh-di-its-uh?)
Hebrew eifoabasar al titnaeg muzar eifoashenttim?
Japanese usiwadokoda aho mitaeeni suruna benjoh wa docoda"?
Dutch Waar is bet viees doenietzoraar Waar is de WC?
Italian dove sta la came nonesserestrano dove e il bagno?
Spanish £d6nde esta* la came? Te ves bien idiota <?D6ndeest£elbano?
Chinese caunilaopa piepaizhe Z'eh zuo tzai navi? V^
Sweedish vaar ar beefen vorinteconstig varr ar tuwam? f ^5
Portuguese adondetaacarne Nao Seja exquisite adonde fica o bahhero? X^n
Killer Oekje \r\ a

Christmas
Paul O'Sullivan
Once upon a time in a far off place a long frigerator to get the cookie dough while his
time ago, (well actually not that long ago, mom starts to take out the farfunugan.
probably just last Christmas) a horrifying oc Tim opens the refrigerator and a warm
currence occurred in the small town of Lin glow of red light flows out. "Huh, that's
coln. The Christmas of 1995 was a grand weird, why is the fridge warm? I'll just turn
Christmas for most people, but no one in up the cool air to WARP FACTOR 9!" As
Lincoln had a grand old time, they had a soon as Tim turns up the cool air the warm
heck of a time. This horrible happening in glow ceases. He reaches in and ...
volved a batch of seemingly harmless ginger pulls out the cookie dough. The label
bread cookies, a toaster and a bunch of is
knives. No one knew the exact reason for
these monstrosities of tastiness except possi
bly one little boy. ( Oh and we can't forget Safaqjc ceokjef jqc©rp©rafed****
the special guest appearance of Sandy!.) Use with extreme caution, and don't spill
any secret sauce on the dough, you dimwit.
NOTICE: THIS STORY IS NOT FOR By the way, in case you haven't read it, don't
THE FAINT OF HEART, SENIOR-CITI spill any sauce on the dough, period."
ZENS AND PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHO
LESTEROL.
"Hmmm. . . Satanik kukees incupurutd.
WARNING: This is a true** story with Whatever. Hey, mom this cookie dough
true people, true events and true killer cookie package is glowing and starting to burst out
guys. Another reason for not reading this is into flames isn't that odd?"
it will ruin any hope of cooking ginger-bread " Uh huh, I'm sure dear. Just put it in the
cookies next to McDonald's*** secret sauce. oven over there and make sure it's on the
cookie sheet"
This story begins with Tiny-Tim, our lo "O.K. mom!!!!!" Little Tim does as he's
cal heroic boy, fighting a cold and a runny told, unaware of the creatures, the demons,
nose. Tiny-Tim is at home today preparing the hell minions, the, uh... the uh... thingies
to help his mother bake cookies and spread that he is about to create. Unaware of the
the Christmas cheer to all. consequences of going to McDonalds for ta
"Gee, mom when are we gonna start bak keout, Unaware of the certain impending
ing cookies? I'm really excited!!" doom by ordering... SECRET SAUCE!!!!!!"
"Don't worry Tim we'll bake As soon as "O.K. Tim get ready with your order for
the farfunugan is done in the oven. Why McDonalds. We're going right now."
don't you get the cookie dough, honey?" "O.K mom!!!!" As the car drives out of
"O.K. mom!!!!" Tim proceeds to the re the driveway (Kind of ironic you know drive
way, drives out. Get it? Don't you think?
Anyway, back to the story). The stoves dials will taste like secret sauce! the more the
are automatically set to 375 degrees and better!!!" As Tim proceeds to pour the sauce
"bake". The ancient ritual has been per on, the stove seems to overload with raw en
formed. Now the cookies are on their one ergy and steam. Just as it looks like it's go
way trip to total mutation into beings of ing to blow it's stack the stove goes . . .
SATAN!!!!! (This is great stuff, Isn't it!!??) "ding!"
Now to break the story and give the audi "It's ready mom!!!!! HutTy!!!"
ence a little intermission here's a little Christ "O.K. dear I'm coming! Hark the herald
mas fun. angels sing...!!"
Ah, ...the moment arrives, the ceremoni
1. Knock, knock, who's there? Santa. al taking out of cookies from the stove. Tim
Santa who? SANTA CLAUS! and mom are excited until the stove bursts
open!!!!
That little joke came from a fellow stud Soon, the kitchen is flooded with little
ent here at Colegio Maya, not me. minions from hell! The cookies are out!
Many die on the drop down from the stove
BACK TO THE STORY... and many die from the heat but it matters
not, for the rest is a whole horde of cookies
First, the ten minutes pass, then twenty, that have survived and are now hiding.
soon twenty turns to thirty and thirty turns to "Dear lord!!!!!!!!!!! Tim, run, run for
forty and right when the clock strikes two, your life!!!!!!! evacuate, call the national
Tim and his mom come back from McDon guard... just run!!!!!!!"
alds. "Ok!!!!!!"
"HiMre.Barkovich!" Soon, Tim and his mom are long gone
"Oh hi Sandy, out walking huh?" and the cookies are free to roam the kitchen.
"That's what I'm doing. Bye now. I'm Many cookies have decided to enter the
off to see Bernard!" fridge. That was their first and last mistake.
"Bye Sandy, have fun!" With the cool level at warp factor nine the
Tim and his mom walk in and his mom cookies are immediately frozen. With no
goes to check the cookies. She walks into more muscles they all tumble down. Some
the kitchen and is shocked it (the stove, for land in the jello causing them to sink very
those of you with a short memory) magically squishily, others land on the frozen turkey
turned on* She shrugs it off with no regard causing them to shatter.
and puts on some Bing Crosby Christmas The other cookies split up into groups of
hits to make the mood "christmasy". five. Now three groups of cookies stand and
"Tim, come get your food but don't eat it one, just one, independent cookie rises above
in the kitchen or the living room or the TV them.
room or the dining room or the bathroom. "Hail to me my cookie subjects!!!! Fol
Bon apetite!" "O.k. mom!!!!" Tim frantical low me into the dark abyss, the wasteland
ly runs into the kitchen and decides to check called Earth. Our first job, conquer this odd
the cookies as he's opening and eating secret room. Scout out all these machines. Where
sauce packets. Tim grows curious through do they get all these toys anyway?! My first
time and opens the oven. The cookies are task is to find a weapon. Now...
sizzling and steaming but Tim pays no atten ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!!"
tion to that. "Yes sir!!!" the cookies erupt as if they
"Mmmmmmm, that sauce looks so good! were one. The first group of cookies scout
Vm gonna pour tons of it on my burger." As out the cabinets on the east side of this vast
Tim opens the packet it blows up (as if it was "kitchen". The curious five find a cabinet
destined to blow up) and flies right on to the marked liquor.
cookies, "oh, who cares, now my cookies "We must check this out!/' exclaims one
of the five. With their combined strength fiction so who cares!-Paul)
they open one of the bottles. Soon they be The evil master cookie, Hex, stood up
gin to drink this magic liquid. and said, "Blankety blank." [He really said
"Gee thish shtuf is pretty!" that. I can make him say anything]. Read: I
"yah it's making me buff!" can make Hex say, "Pipsickle." Listen: Hex
"heh he he heh heh heh he. urn... heh said, "Pipsickle!" See, I AM MASTER! Ok,
hehe hheheh he!" anyhow, here's how Hex died. I took my in
"Hey you guuuys!!!!! I think we shuld visible suit off, Hex was completely caught
take a resht or sumptin." off guard. He didn't expect me to just appear
"Whoa!", one by one the cookies tripped there. I reached out to him and tossed him in
on each other and fell off the counter to their my mouth, then I had some "magic liquid."
crumbly death. Tha eeend.
[<Hello, Sebastian here, the Ginger That's not really what happened! I
Bread Cookies are my inventions, and as a fooled you! ha ha ha!!! Anyway Hex died
matter of fact, I'm speaking to you from the when the knife he found fell on the floor and
kitchen. I am wearing an invisible suit so the magically stayed on it's tip and he fell
cookies can't see their real master. I control through it and died. That's the end of our
everything in this kitchen, because I am the story.
creator! Ok, back to the story...>J Little Tim never grew out of his little
The second group of five cookies make mind even though his body grew. Poor Tim.
their way across the counter. This time, they His mom is just happy go lucky. No one be
make sure not to walk too close to the edge lieved her little story but she didn't care, she
of the counter. They view an intergalactic went to live in Africa because I made her.
portal, a way back to Hell, (actually a Just remember, when you're cooking cookies
microwave). But they didn't know that [<I watch the secret sauce! Oh yeah buy Satanic
made them dumb. Seb.>]. They walked into Cookies, they're good for you!! (And they
the microwave box and shut the door. never go cold- The Evil Cookieman)
They cookies beckoned to the other
cookies to push the START button, apparent Sandy: ™ and copyright Naked Ape
ly, the button that would turn the "portal" on. Hex: ™ and copyright Sebastian.
So, the other cookies came over and pushed Sebastian: himself
START. ~AVE! I'M MCITIN6! WHAT A Paul: himself
WOULD!" , was all that could be heard in
the mass confusion from the "portal".
Then, blue sparks reflected off the little
THANK YOU
cookies, and that was that. The microwave FOR READING
door blew open and little cookie guts flew
everywhere.
The lights turned on. All the cookies
went stiff and fell back into their original po
MERRY
sition. "What the heck happened here?", the
house cat thought to herself, "Oh well, I
CHRISTMAS.
think I'll have a little midnight snack." The
cat picked up 5 of the last 6 cookies with her *Not really.
paws in one ferocious swipe for a little **Not really.
snack. [<Don't ask why, I just made it that ♦♦♦McDonalds™ is a registered trademark
way, Paul.>]
of McDonalds, Inc
The cat turned the kitchen lights out and
walked back to her room with the cookies, ♦♦♦♦Satanic Cookies Inc.™ is a unregistered
(don't ask me, it's a super cat; plus, this is trademark of The Evil Cookieman.
WORK! DON'T MAKE
ME COME SlAP YOU!
Inside the mind on a typical day in the typical life
of a typical teacher Ms told by a cra*y student]
Bubba "The purple Schizophrenic Hamster" Manson, Ph.D.
"...the best, you are the greatest, you are Yay! All the cool teachers are here! I get
the best, you are...", awakened again by the to sit with the cool dudes! Awesome! Oh no!
incessant praises of my alarm clock. Great! Speaking like a seventh grader again, my
4:26 A.M. Not enough time to eat breakfast therapist was right, I do have a problem!
again. This is not my day. I think I have a Wait! How was it people entered cars
ninth grade literature demi-essay (i.e. an es again? Oh yeah, open the door. Yes! It
say so bad even the devil throws up after works. Now that I am inside the car, I have
reading it) stuck in my hair. Oh, the to find something good and productive to do.
hangover, man, remind me not to watch that Hmm, what to do, what to do... (mind goes
much 'Nick at nite' anymore. Well, nothing blank here) ...Oh yeah, I'll stare at the
that a hot shower and two hours of CNN clouds. Look! Its a pretty cloud, there's
won't fix! Great, CNN is scrambled, darn! another one, and another one, that one is not
Well, I'll watch that hideous channel the kids that pretty, that one looks like my jar of
watch, what's its name? Oh yeah, MTV, this prozac®...
way I can pretend Fm cool by knowing what
they are talking about in school and elevate This mental scan break is brought to you by
my studmuffin status. Bunny King: over 12 million served. Come
Oh no! I forgot to put on my makeup and in and try our new flat rabbit specials, only
it's already six o'clock! I can't believe I fell twelve bucks. Remember, roadkill can be re
asleep again! Darn MTV! Can I say darn on cycled!
the school magazine? Great. Now I have to Offer available in Wyoming, Arkansas and Montana.
pick my ties in a hurry, so many choices,
what to do? what to do? Ooooh, the purple We've arrived, yes, the superior beings
one looks cool. Or should I wear the gray are here, we even got our own parking
one? But I love the green one with yellow places. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Where was
polka dots. Nah, what the heck, I'll wear the I? Oh yeah. Finally at school. Well, enough
black one with brown flowers on it. Wait! fun, it's time to earn that Rogaine down-pay
What if the cafeteria lady I have a crush on ment!
looks at me today?! Nah, I'm a teacher, no Which way to the classroom? Up? But I
body cares about me, I'll wear the black one. can't fly, oh, you mean up as in forward,
OK, portfolio with moldy essays, check; great Left foot up, left foot down, right foot
mirror to contemplate my gorgeous face, up, right foot down, left foot... wait, what do
check; shoes the same color, check; pants on, I see? It's a mid-size flock of students.
check; hair combed in totally artificial way, Quick, think of something clever to say. Let
check. Pink socks on, oh darn, not again, me see... I know, 'hey dudes' always works.
shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. OK, they're No, those are girls. Uh, how about 4howdy'?
on... No, you don't want 'em to think you are a
hillbilly, then you would have to find a new retreat to my lair. The room is locked.
job again. Come on, think fast, they are ap Ahhhhh! How can I get in? I know, I can
proaching, I know, I'll just give them the climb in from the window. But that would
'hail Hitler' salute. Ok, smile, lift arm up like get my clothes dirty and I'm wearing my
the flihrer likes it, great, now they'll admire new salvation army sweater today! I can
me even more. Why are they looking at me throw the door down. But then I would reac
that way? Did I forget my pants again? No, tivate my old polka dancing injury. I could
they're on. I'll never figure out those weird break the window and open it from inside...
sophomores. Wait! Maya doors don't open from inside.
Oww! Who put that door there! Oh no, Sometimes I wish the decision to trap the
people staring, pretend you are not hurting. kids in the room and serve them as cafeteria
'Hi', 'How are you', 'take your hat off!'... food won't affect my daily life. What can I
But it still hurts, stupid doors. If I had my do? My class is about to start and the door
way, I'll make society won't open. Help!
go back to doorless I'll see what Mr.
stone temples like the Smith does, his
ones they used to build door is also locked.
when I was a kid. Ok, he's coming,
Those were the days. closer, closer. Ha
Yeah, then I won't get ha, your door is
arrested for wearing locked. Oh great,
leaves like that time in the key. How could
Baltimore. I hate state I have forgotten
prisons! about the key?
Look, it's the fly Here it is, open
ing cow from says me. Ahh,
'Twister'! No, its only nothing like suffo
my imagination. I cating silence to
wonder what happened brighten up your
to my imaginary day.
friends? How come It's 7:46 am, Cof
they won't play with fee time! Ahhh!
me anymore? Great, Liquid energy! I
talking to myself can't believe they
again, people are star have existed with
ing. Quick, pretend out coffee in the
you are remembering middle ages. It
stuff. Yeah, they won't must have been
stare anymore. hellish not to have 89% caffeine inside your
Where is my mailbox! Darn, I hate not veins. Well, maybe that's why they are all
having long term memory. There it is. I hope dead.
my package in a plain brown envelope is Time for a class. What is it I teach? Oh
here. Yes! Finally, after five months of wait yes, Literature. I wish these kids would just
ing. Daddy's videos are home. All right, let's realize that they can learn more watching TV
check if they are all here. 'Secrets of the than listening to me. Not to worry, I'll make
brain', 'Inside Einstein's equations' * Count them do presentations next week. That way I
in binary in six days'. Wait a minute, where get paid while they do the job. Maybe I can
is my 'Star Trek: the first year' video? I'm even get them to put on Hamlet, that way I'll
never buying from The Time Life Collection get the credit while they work their heads off.
ever again! Oh oh, I think I prepared the lesson plan
Oh no! I smell children, quick, I have to for the wrong class. What to do? What to do?
I know, Til make them read a book that (Twenty seconds later) Oh, my kidney! For
would become totally obsolete once they the love of God!, why did I liave to run so
graduate. Frankly, I don't give a hamster fast. But I guess I'm pretty close to the Cafe
chip for their academic future. I'll be stuck teria, what?! I'm still in the classroom. Man!
teaching while they make six digit salaries, I I need to get that stairmaster, quick! Oh no!
should of stayed with my job as an exotic Everything is getting dark, I can't see a
dancer (sigh). thing, help me, help me, help me. It's all
Hey! What is that? Oh no! It's the black dark. AHHHHHHHHHH!
hole again, why does this always happen All dark, head hurt, can't open eyes...
when I'm teaching? Good thing I'm so tor- Where am I?! Oh no! Did it happen again? Is
ing nobody notices when I disappear. Ahhhh! it another night with a full moon? How many
I'm getting sucked in. Help me! Hel... people did I eat this time? Wait! The sun is
What is that bright light? Mommy? Is shinning and it's only 9:17,1 couldn't have
that you? Why did you leave me with my transformed that fast! Oh yeah, cafeteria,
transvestite uncle? Mommy? Don't leave me running, ooops!
again. Mommy? Mommy? Ahhhhhh! Great, now I only have thirteen minutes
Phhhew, that was just another nightmar to get to the cafeteria. I won't make it. What
ish daydream, why do I have those weird can I do? I'll get hungry and mutate into my
dreams? Why are all these kids staring at other form in the middle of my class like that
me? Oh yeah, teach. Hmmm, I think I need time in Tegu. Oh oh, I think I said too much.
more papers on my desk to make me look Don't worry, I'll just make a mental note to
real busy for the next parent-teacher confer erase this later.
ence, I know, I'll make them write a poem. What can I do? No food, no food, NO
Yeah, a poem, that way I can completely FOOD!... I know, I'll look in every table for
shatter their poetic asper..., asfir..., crumbs left over by the students. There are
azphirrr..., you know, wanna-be thong. always crumbs. Thank you unsanitary study
Great, fifty more minutes of pretending ing conditions! Thank you very very much!
I'm interested in their academic future. I Oh no! No crumbs! Darn cleaning peo
know, it's JOURNAL TIME*. What crazy ple. If I had my way, I'll steal their brooms
ideas should I insert in their bizarre little so they won't be able to clean anymore. Ha
minds? I know, 'what were the effects of the ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now back to the
Vietnam war on reproduction?'. Wait! I am a food question, what should I do? Wait a sec
Literature teacher, why do I keep forgetting ond! What is that I see? It's... it's... it's a
that? What about "discuss the psychological seven year old tuna sandwich! Great, only a
impact of Chaucer's writings of the era?', few maggot s and no ants in sight. Must., get
yeah, I'll make them look up the answers in to... sandwich.
the book. Ha ha ha ha. (A gray tuna sandwich later)
Who is that at the door? Its the FBI Now, I have energy for a while! Who do
again! RUUUUUUUUUN! Wait, its just I have to teach now? Oh no! Not eight grade.
another kid. Man, I wish there wouldn't be Anything but eight grade! They'll drive me
so many kids running around school. I wish crazy one of these days!
we could cook 'em sooner. Nothing like the No! They're here, my worst nightmare. I
delicious scent of a slowly-roasted third am not going insane, I am not going insane,
grader to whet my appetite. Great! Drooling insane not going I am, I not insane going am,
again, wipe it off, wipe it off! Great, no one am insane I not going, not going I am insane,
suspects anything, yet... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mother of God,
Finally, after eighty minutes of being Noooooooo! Have mercy! Keep away from
stuck with those obnoxious little brats. Time me, keep away from me!
to run down to the cafeteria for a piece of Sorry, this article had to be stopped because, frankly,
frozen rat meat tortil...I mean pizza. I think I've ran out of ideas and Mr. Pastore won't stop yelling at
I'll run down slowly to show off my body... me for making fun of him and his hairpiece...
"♦♦♦Anfc Now* The
Continuation to
The Naked Ape Valle

The voice that boomed in the distance had squised half of his face into tomato juice.
was a voice that had never boomed before, as So now has these metal face plates...
of some strange exotic planet. The voice was Poor Buttlugge, he had no chance against
unreconisable to the human ear. The voices1 Stumpy. He needed the help from his friends
origan was from a stick-like figure that an to fight the Oh, so powerful Stumpy! This
swered to the name Stitt. He had been in jail looked like a job for the Fighting Trio! But
for quite a long time for lieing to an officer. tlugge suited up in his titanim aloy body suit
Stitt had been in jail for 17 days and was cry he gave a suit to Skippo, Stitt and Bebo.
ing for help. The treeo walked to the voice. It They all tried it on and it fit perfect! Now
was only a couple meters. Poor Stitt, he did they were ready for action! They ran into the
nothing bad. They got to the jail and saw he street and jumped into the Superhero Mobile
was in need. But there was no way to free and off they went! They got to the scene and
him. saw the ugly sight, Stumpy was killing inos-
Then Buttlugge got an idea, they would ent people. This was not good, it was BAD!
be criminals and get in. Well, the anarchy Buttlugge leaped from the mobile and karate-
plan worked and they got in fast. They got kicked Stumpy in the face! But suprisingly
put in the same cell as Stitt. Well, they intro Buttlugge's leg got sucked into Stumpy's to-
duced themselfs and they found a good way matoish flesh! Buttlugge got sucked into the
to get out. Buttlugge broke out of the restans- belley of the tomato! It was disgusting! But
es and got out his pocket-sized bazooka. He tlugge screamed for help but no one could
freed his friends and Stitt. hear him! Suddenly, Stumpy exploted into
He then stuck Stitt in the bazooka and tiny pieces of tomato and tomato juice! Out
shot him through the red brick wall. They all leaped Buutlugge.
escaped and ran to Buttlugge's house. It was "I am fine, fellow fighter's for thy Stum-
garbage; food everywhere, a broken TV, and po is creamated!!", proclaimed Buttlugge.
mags all over the floor. But it was the only The fragments hit the ground and started to
place to stay. All of a suuden, a guy smashed unite! It was ultra Stumpy with his Ultra, Su
through the door with gun wounds though his per, Duper Laser, Dual Gauge Missile
chest He lay there bleeding while the blood launcher!!! It was 20ft taller than your ordi
soaked up into the carpet. Buttlugge got mad nary tomato. Buttlugge fell to his knees in
and lugged him out into the street, getting hit madness. Suddenly Bebo walked up to Stum
by a UPS truck at 60mph. Smash!!! py and said,
They all fell asleep that night pretty fast "You can't do that!"
The next morning was one of the worst days "Wanna Bet impotant fool!!", yelled
of their lives because they would soon meet Stumpy.
their fate. Stumpy, the dreaded saitanic toma "Do you want to fight you fat, overgrown
to was about to confront the foursome. This tomato!!"
tomato was no ordinary talking tomato, it "...no...", and Stumpy ran away! During
was the worst of all because it had a good the couse of a couple days, The foursome
pair of shotguns and a SILO nuclear missile had been loffing around the apartment
which for those who don't know can whipe On the other side of the country, Arizona
out the whole human race in 10.4563221 sec to be exact, 100 miles from Phoenix a fire
onds flat! Stumpy was the worst they get. ball soured through the sky...Crash!! It
Buttlugge had con fronted hime before and crashed close to a Shell Station. It was a
U.F.O. It landed with such an impact that it Jude-luderville: Why did the watch get
rumbled the ground. I cloud of smoke filled kicked out of class?
the sky, when it cleared there appeared three Crat-jin-throb: Why is that
weary things they had big eyes and long bon Jude-luderville: because it was tick-talking.
ny fingers...
The three misterious figures walked to Here's something to tease your brain,
ward the Shell station. They appeared to be What is Zoroastrianism? This is a religi
Aliens!! The man at the Shell station. The ous system in Persia.
man ran for his life but it was to late, he was Why do parrots need their zygodactyl?
canned... It's the bone in a parrot foot.
The aliens walked toward the street Sud What is a nabob? It is a deputy of the old
denly, a white van zoomed to a hult in front Mogul Empire in India.
of the aliens. A short stubby man came out of Who was Pomona? She was the Roman
the van. It was Richard Simmons!! His gay Goddess of fruit.
curly hair glistened in the moonlight The al What is an xeme? It is an arctic bird.
iens tried to threaten him but it was no use What do you call a castrated rooster? A
they were forced to ride in the van and boy, capon.
was it bad. Richard Simmons would look at
the aliens. Three days later they arrived in I knew a gnu in the zoo that knew the news
L.A. They were dropped off on the corner of that two new gnus knew the zoo gnu knew
a street and the "Richard Simmons Tour the gnus knew he knew the new gnu's zoo
Bus" zoomed away. news too
Then a few meters away The Treo saw
the aliens and put on there body suits to pre SOLUTION TO PUZZLE PAGE
pare for battle...
FIND OUT NEXT ISSUE TO THE
CONCLUTIONOFB.S... 1. 2. ra

NEURON VAtECTOMY 3 - L2J —



ED / i \ [
FOR DUMMIES

Gertrud: What kind of music does a police


man like?
Ninbo: I don't know, J *>
Gertrud: Criminal records.
/
Staffer: Why is it hard for a lady bug to hide?
Laniton 1*11 bite
Staffen Because she is always seen. J
Freejoles: anyone here quick at picking up
instruments? 6
Ghwandiffuderia: We are Sir.
Freejoles: Great, you two move that piano!

Opticalplaid: What do you get if you cross an


owl with a lobster?
Cugervile: I'm dumb founded
Opticalplaid: An animal that dispenses pearls
of wisdom.
mmm rum mm
MFC StAE****
..continued
Naked Ape Valle

Sandy saw it! A raccoon was eating ets to Budapest. The next day Sandy and
trash out of his garbage can. "It was so Kevin went to the airport and as Sandy
unique!", Sandy thought, "how could this boarded the plane Sandy could almost pic
raccoon be useful?" He thought and thought ture himself skating with Kevin, Paul and
and thought. Then, a very odd thing hap Gian. He could picture himself skating with
pened, the raccoon started to sing! "Wow, Bill Pepper, Chris Senn and Willy Santos.
this is great!", thought Sandy. They sat in their seats and waited. They
He could sell it to a circus and make lots were attended by a really beautiful flight
of money! He got close to the raccoon and hostess. Her name was Candistry. She gave a
picked it up. It was beautiful, thought Sandy. wink to Sandy and Sandy blushed. They took
He started to run toward the circus. When he off on the pursuit of their dreams.
neared the circus, he saw a very odd looking Kevin sold his skateboard before they
clown. It had red hair, a bald spot and a left, to a physically challenged boy for $50
striped shirt, his name was Bellgo. and some marbles. The flight was a long and
He stood there bewildered, as Sandy ex boring one for the two sailors. After a good 7
plained how the raccoon could sing. Then hours they could not handle it any longer,
Sandy set the raccoon on the floor and it and they started to get antsy and fidget with
started to sing. Bellgo stood there in amuse each other. In only an hour they would be
ment Three hours later, Sandy walked away there. Well they lasted the trip and got off the
with $1,000,000. He never told his parents plane in Budapest, Hungry. Sandy admired
about thSjmoney. You see, his dad used to the place for it had quite a uniqueyiew feel (
abuse hiirir you know the g
Sandy he knew
name was Kevin and just moved to an where to go.
apartment. Kevin ~__- led and was not Back at home, |'s dad was slurping
that bad. Sandy had always liked skateboard down another beer.1 fd not give a buffalo
ing but could not afford to buy one of his chip on the whereabouts of his happy en
own. Sandy had always dreamed of the day riched son who had not been home in more
that he could afford a skateboard. than 2 days. Well, Sandy was perplexed at
Kevin used to live in Budapest, Hungry the way Kevin knew his way around. Sandy
where he skated with his Hungarian friends. and his fondly friend left the airport and
Sandy asked Kevin where he could buy a walked down the crowded streets of down
skateboard. Kevin replied/The best place to town Budapest.
get a skateboard is in a skate store in Budap They arrived at Westin Regina and
est, Hungry called 'Zone'". checked in. They got the most expensive
Sandy was so delighted in a big puddle of double bed penthouse ($895.95 per night $20
joy that Sandy fell out of the window from tips extra per night). Well they were very
Kevin's 25 story building, landing on top of tired so they 'hit the sack' very early. The
a blind woman and her dog. That evening, next day they took a tram to the other side of
Sandy made reservations for two plane tick- town and walked 5 blocks to the store. They
arrived at the store around 12:00 pm. A Hun Short story of the Month®:
garian man appeared at the door of the store
and saluted his customers. His name was WARNING: Do not read this story while eating canned
Aram Hairm Frobo. And they entered products or while sewing head dresses. And may I strongly
'Zone'. suggest that you take precautions. Pregnant women over 80
The store was quite small, but big in consult with your doctor first

heart. Sandy looked at the wide selection of


Skateboards and accessories. Kevin reco- Once in August it was so beautiful that
mended the Consolated Skateboard with In Sandy© wished it would stay forever. "Just
dependent trucks and 51mm clone wheels. like this" ,he wished. "With the sky clear and
He bought a pair of Shaft jeans and some In blue, and the clouds white and high-". He
dependent pants, he got a bunch of shirts and wished the lake would stay as still and deep
accessories. The total came out to $70934. blue, too-with the sailboats skimming along
They left the store at 4:30 and headed toward in the fair little breeze at pushed against the
the bus stop and a fly landed on his head. sails- but never rippled the water- and the
It meant nothing to Sandy, because he water so clear that he could see the tiny, wa
was surrounded by a thick blanket of happi ter-clear minnow's trying to nibble his toes.
ness! They boarded the bus and headed to He wished the fields would stay full of scar
ward the city. They sat down in the fifth seat let pant-brush and black-eyed Susans1, and
and concentrated on the scenery. Sandy once that the woods would stay full of big sweet
again [mentally] walked into his unconscious blackberries for pie to eat after supper.
mind and entered the space called the Alpha "Put your hands up!", was all Sandy©
state (That state is the state between die con could hear, something knocked him to the
scious and unconscious for those who don't ground. Sandy© looked up-he saw three men
know.), and if it hadn't been for a speed- in clown costumes. "Would you like to
bump one of the bums behind him would breath the fresh August air with me?" in
have stole his skateboard. The speed bump quired Sandy©. One of the clowns pulled out
woke him up! He purposely smashed the of his pocket, a lolly pop. "Gosh darnit!" the
clown said, "Wrong pocket." The clown put
bums face with the board «WMBf|It»
his hand in his other pocket and got out an
Then, poor Sandy and Kevin were kicked
uzi. "Breath this!" the clown said. RATTA-
off the bus and never allowed to ride the bus
TATTATTATTATTRATTATTATTAT-
again. Luckily, they were not far from the
TATTATTATTAT-TTTATTATTATTAT-
hotel and they only had to skate 5 blocks.
TATT! Sandy lay there, looking at the beau
The sun began to set in the east. It was so
tiful sky, "My, my, my. What a wonderful
beautiful (I wish you could of seen it, but to
August evening it has been." The three
bad... ). Well, as they returned to the hotel
clowns stuffed their hands into Sandy's©
they thought that if they would stay at the ho
pockets and took all his money. The clowns
tel for the rest of their lives that it would be
ran off. Sandy's© bi-friend came over and
wonderful. It sounded like a great idea to
(s)he saw him lying there, on the brink of
both of them. So they stayed there for the
death, she called 911, but it was too late.
rest of their lives in.
Sandy© was canned.

After hearing this story, Mr. BiffMigrone was in


spired to start a canned food company. He named it
Price Foods. After many years of hard work and dili
gence, Mr. BiffMigrone had made quite an exciteful
Sandy never finished school and became
andpricy company. So, when you're walking down the
a Public Bagger in Boyton Beach, Florida.
aisle in your grocery store, stop and buy a can of San
Kevin then moved to Guatemala and became
dy® fruit, "It's good!". Unfortunately Fred GiffcuVs
a pro skater, and rode for Alien Workshop,
realion to this story caused him to suicidally run and
Independent and Airwalk...
jump into a huge tank of boiling water.
BLACK AND
THE TWO FACES OF A STORY
Kyung (the know it all)

"Have your brains ever pondered upon the cape, but it only grasped harder. Tremendous
possibility that other people may burst out a strength wrapped around my ankles, squeez
different opinion over the same object or sit ing until it felt numb. My mind was deteri
uation; if they have a view that is completely orated, unable to think or do anything. I
contrasting to your own? Well, this might be groped for a helping hand, only to slide
an example of such occurrences. Do not des through the thin air. A quick gasp escaped
pairfor this is not a real story (I think)." through my blue lips. My heart thudded
against the chest, an individual life form, try
Tom's version: ing to twirl out from my ribs. I could see its
A blue sky, everything happy and full of round form move against my skin, or at least
life. I blinked and I realized my eyes had I could sense it. A horrible cry of an animal
fooled me. That wasn't a sky ... it was a huge was heard, coming from a distance. Then I
swirling pool of steaming larva and toxic realized it was mine. I rolled my eyes around
waste, I dared to wish it would lurch down the naked room and saw only the delighted
and swallow my soul, out of this world and pairs of eyes, and their ripped grins of pleas
out of this agony. I shut my eyes, the scene ure. A blue bird laughed at me, screeching a
was gone when I opened it. With a jump, I song of a foolish boy and his dark end.
sensed a trickle of boiling liquid streaming Then it was gone. The deadly coolness
down my eyelid. Frantically I swept at it • It against my waist, the laughing echoes, and
stung against my finger tips... or though it the dark blood-shot eyes ... I remained still
felt so. No, it was mere natural perspiration. for an extensive period in fear of the night
Groaning with pain, I looked around the life mare's return. Nothing happened. To my
less room. despair, it was only replaced by heavy
Clinging onto the haggard wall, the evil silence and blue emptiness. In the cold, min
pink clock grinned with the twelve numbers iature room, there remained only I... and the
on its face, clashing within every second The abominable two sheets of the quarter exam.
snobbish characters reeled within the milky
Buck's version:
board, and the windows hung silently with its
mouth ajar. I rolled my eyes and squared I stretched and yawned lazily, a smile
with the ugly women sculpture, which glared curving amiably on my face. What a perfect
back with suspicion. Her dark face cracked day for a challenging start! The fluffy white
with a nasty twist, spilling dark secrets to the cloud glided over the clear pool of sky, joy
black sun. My arm felt rigid and heavy; I fully forming up ambiguous structures then
couldn't move. Hesitantly I looked down and dispersing in hope to meet again. The blue
bird whispered merrily the song of morning,
flung my eyes open in terror. There was a
his chest bursting with happiness as he
dark, blue devil pressing down my arms,
grasping them so tightly that it felt crushed. I danced, tip-toeing on the delicate strand of
branch. The radiant sun smiled down on the
shrug as the its dry, raspy cackling echoed
off the walls. little creature, caressing it with his golden
strings. I looked around the small, but well
I was in a swamp ... no, a disguise it must
furnished room, eying each of the unique and
be. I felt the churning sloppy pool pull down
dainty pieces settled around the area. With
on my legs, then my desk. I struggled to es
my eyes half dosed, I checked the time from who flexing his golden wings, reviewed the
the adorable little pinkish clock, with the text, flipping over the thick book of knowl
gold-tinted chunky numbers standing out edge. They planned to participate in the
My next stop was on the stunning piece of bowling competition one hour later. A gold
sculpture. The charming young lady, grace en ring was in bet, they hinted to me.
fully picking up a narrow pitcher up to her Through the strike of light, the door
shoulder, seemed to bow shyly at the over swung open and the silent cracking high-
whelmed praise at her beauty. She held a heeled shoes rung in my ears. My head shot
pleasant smile on her face heightened by her up, my eyelids rolled, and my mouth drib
eyes full of gentleness. bled. The cracking grew farther and finally
The soft bristling of the leaves was sud was gone. I was left with the drifting mur
denly accompanied by the low-pitched hums murs and the total silence of concentration. It
of the peaceful tiny creatures, Hopping their was my quarter exam.
bountiful bodies from one petal to another
while busily sucking in the richly sweet aro
ma of the honey.
A kitten bounded in the garden, absorbed
insane p&yct)opati)
with his toy, a brown shaded hamster, play
ing the you-run-and-I- bite-you-in-butt-by-
tail. The terrified hamster frantically scurried
in any way possible only to be bitten or On cold, dark evening in the middle of Fe
swapped by the immensely fast kitten's paw. bruary, with the temperature at eighteen
After a while, mommy trotted over to inspect below and dropping steadily, an Alaskan
their condition. When the kitten seemed to trapper returned to his empty cabin were
grow tired of the tiny creature, she snatched after thirteen days on the trail. In the ca
the exhausted, but still dodging hamster bin were a kerosene lamp, a fireplace, and
a wood-burning stove, and the trapper
which was to be her meal in five minutes
had but one match. What should he light
(does cats eat hamsters? It is a close relative
first?
of a rat. On the other hand, it's curiously
He should light the match first.
questionable if cats still consider rats as their
meal...)
You are a truck driver. If you drive from
I turned toward Tom in the next room,
Birmingham, Alabama with a foil load of
seen through the rectangular glass. His face
tomatoes, stop for fuel in Atlanta, Georgia
was ashen and his lips were, uh, gone! The
border of his lip line and his skin was blend at 6 o'clock in the evening, and then con
ed in a peculiar, undescribable way. He was tinue on to Raleigh, North Carolina, not
exceeding the 55 M.P.H. speed limit, arriv
doing a some kind of dance, a twister I
ing before eight o'clock in the morning on
think. His high pitched squeals must be a part
of the backup music to create the mood. How a Friday, how old is the truck driver?
odd. Remember, youfre the truck driver.
The sky, with its never ending stretch of
Which would you prefer - that a lion ate
orange beams, seemed to embrace the world.
you or a tiger?
The time was approaching, but so slowly. I
I don't know about you, but I'd rather have
scratched my head, twirled my fingers, and
the lion eat the tiger.
bit on my ball-point pen. The seven beautiful
angels were surrounding me, waiting, and I
Why do cat's meow?
didn't want to delay them any longer* They
A cat has whiskers, whiskers are hair,
have come in response of my prayer, in
hare is rabbit, rabbit runs fast, to fast is to
promise to help me and give me guidance. I
go hungry, to go hungry is painful, when Fm
was confident enough, but a few helpful tips
in pain, I go Now!n; in other words, me "ow!"
wouldn't hurt. The one on the farthest right
IBJG.BirTIT)

Ben Baldizon

One day, about 12 years ago, a little boy they know that in fact, this event had abso
called Frederick Wallace Worthington Avery lutely no importance on the cosmic scale, or
the twohundredandfiftythird (also known as on almost any other scale for that matter.
The Boy) was walking home from school. But back to the story, The Boy, realizing
He normally took the bus but today he had he was very lost, decided to ask someone for
missed it, and had therefore decided to walk directions. So he went up to a strange look
home. He figured if the bus got him home in ing ephtocron (you don't want to know what
half an hour then he could walk home in an that looks like) and said, "Excuse me, but
hour. Little did he know that his bus driver could you show me how to get to Sesame
was really an alien conducting experiments Street?" The Boy did not live on Sesame
to see if humans in the bus could detect when street, or anywhere near it for that matter, but
the bus was moving at light speed. And that was the first thought that came to him so
twenty minutes traveling at light speed he verbalized it.
amounts to quite a distance. In fact, The Boy The ephtocron looked at him and said,
was being taken to and from a school on a "Zxtphm vrtl lptcrm phSesame Streetrg"
different planet in a different galaxy. (which roughly translates into "Take the
Well, The Boy was a little, shall we say, Greyhound down to the corner of fifth and
urn, slow so he didn't realize that he wasn't Maine, then catch the shuttle headed for Tr-
on earth. The flying cars, low gravity, and Fk, put on a space suit, jump out when you
pink telephone poles with green polka dots see a blue planet to your left, point yourself
on them should have clued him in but re directly away from the blue planet, fire your
member, this guy is a little slow. All right, jet pack, and hope you have enough power to
he's a friggin moron. There, I said it. Any make it to @A%#$%@, the world were Se
way, after a few hours of walking and not same Street is."). The ephtocron then pro
getting anywhere, The Boy realized he had ceeded to board the flying car that had just
no idea where he was going or where his appeared out of nowhere.
home was. At exactly the same time, a can- The Boy, realizing he would never see
tephant (a strange cross between a canta this particular ephtocron again and therefore
loupe and an elephant) died in Zxtram IV, a would never be able to thank him for this vi
planet halfway across the galaxy from every tal information, promptly forgot the whole
other planet. This event appeared to have thing. Then he looked around him for any
very little importance on the cosmic scale to sign of intelligent life. AHA! There, stand
the inhabitants of Zxtram IV, but little did ing at the corner of the street, was a strange
sight indeed, a phgm (don't even ask). The he became a cruel, cunning, evil, conniving,
Boy marched down the street to the phgm and extremely cynical being that called him
and said, "Excuse me, but I go to a school self . . . Pookie (no relation to Garfield's
that's back thataway about 4 or five hours if teddy),
you walk and I missed the bus today so I'm Pookie's first act was to scour all the di
trying to walk home but I think I'm lost Do mensions in search of these firemen. When
you think you could show me the way he found them he ..., well he did some pretty
home?" mean stuff to them. Needless to say, not one
If The Boy had met any phgm but the aq fireman survived this encounter.
uamarine phgm he met, the story would have Pookie realized that the more he used his
ended here, for any other color phgm would powers, the stronger and smarter he got.
have ripped his heart out and played basket With this in mind, he flew around blasting
ball with it. But that was not the case, so the buildings and beings to pieces, roaring in
story won't end here. Sorry, folks. Anyway, laughter at the aliens's pathetic attempts to
the phgm looked at him for what seemed like destroy him with their death ray blasters and
seconds but was in reality only seconds and their hair clips. Now if only they had used
said, "Thrgm" (which literally means, 'The death-ray-blaster-slash-scrunchees . . . But
hills are ringing with the sound of mortars they didn't. And so, in a relatively short
being fired and the screams of the dead and time, (about 12 seconds) a whole world had
dying- To get home, click your heels togeth been destroyed.
er three times and say, "I wanna go home." Pookie continued on his rampage until he
After doing this men in white coats will ap had totally annihilated everything in the fire
pear and take you to an insane asylum. Since men's universe. Then he returned to his own
they will realize that you are to crazy and dimension. However, instead of destroying,
dangerous to be permitted to remain on this Pookie got to thinking. He realized his pow
world, you will be shipped off to earth, ers could be used for good, to benefit all the
which I assume is you world. Form there peoples of the universe. This sounded really
you will have to find your own way home."). boring to him, though, so he discarded this
Unfortunately, The Boy wasn't fluent in notion. But in this state of deep thought, he
the phgm language so he got a garbled mes discovered many things, like how to make
sage. To repeat what he understood would the ultimate spatula of death and destruction,
take too much time, but at any rate, he how to create a farmzoid, how to forge an
clicked his fists together and said, unbreakable spoon, how to make the perfect
"Aquamarine phgm's rule." A squad of vol CD that everyone would buy, how to eat jelly
untary firemen came out of nowhere and doughnuts without squirting the jelly all over
blasted him wit their Acme-Super Blaster the place, and many other things of this mag
hose, and then disappeared into whatever al nitude.
ternate dimension had spawned these beings. The he turned his thoughts to greater
All this was very amusing to the phgm, problems. He was right on the verge of dis
which boarded a Greyhound and set out to covering two secrets vital to the survival of
save the universe. Of more interest to us, the human race, why hot dog buns come in
however, is the effect all this had on The packs of ten while hot dog buns come in
Boy. packs of eight and what the hidden mystery
At first nothing happened. Then, howev of Crisco is when suddenly, out of nowhere,
er, The Boy got very angry. And when The appeared a squad of interstellar B-52 bomb
Boy got very angry, he discovered his un ers and nuked the place, completely destroy
tapped potential. In effect, The Boy became ing everything in sight (except for the roach
a huge black amorphous being with powers es) with their nuclear weapons. And so tragi
beyond your wildest dreams. The Boy's cally perished Pookie, and all his knowledge
mind was also changed, and he was no long with him.
er the simple fool he'd been before. Instead, At least the roaches were happy.
A NOT 80 8CARY
HALLOWEEN
STORY
Kyung Ro
Halloween is coming up! •.•On second Wait, chainsaw might make up a very,
thought, it probably will be already over by how can I put it, a very educative story.
the time this article is published in the Cole- How? Well, innocent kids could learn how
gio Maya's "PULSE." Oh well, what the the chainsaw functions and it's various uses.
heck. Let's just trace back in time for a brief Nothing violent of course... Did I mention
while. Now that the purpose of my article is that it can chop and grind through anything,
established I better stop wandering off to no making the left over scrubs fly all over and
where. Anyway, on October thirty-first, we its internal structure visible? However, I
will encounter the Day of Witches, as Hallo don't feel like getting involved with the sub
ween is also called. (Note: I said 'we will en ject; furthermore, somehow Mr. Pastore
counter' because when I started this writing might not be so enthusiastic about the idea. A
it was October 15). Okay, now what can I short story. How can I start it? Of course it
write about Halloween? ...hmm ...well ....uh should involved Halloween. I believe there
(a very long pause) ... I don't know. isn't any law saying that all stories about
You, yeah you. The one staring at this page. Halloween must be scary. Would it matter if
I'm talking to you! Hello! Anybody there? it was absolutely pointless?
First, what images does that day bring? Here it goes...
The usual stuff. Pumpkins, black cats, trick- Once upon a time (how original), there
or-treats, and full moons... you get the pic existed a seventeen year old, yet immature
ture. Maybe I could write a really creepy and quite dumb kid named Jim (another set
story of footless phantoms or a ghost with a of typical word; I'll just stick in a phrase) so
torn-out face with blood gushing all over. it shall be Jim the Satan. Did I mention that
Well, while some believe that all those ex this dude was obsessed with any materialis
traordinary occurrences and phenomenons tic thing or ideas that oppose what are la
are caused by spirits and ghosts, let's just say beled as good and decent? Anyway, it was
(for those typical, proud guys) that there are the time of October 31, 1997. Jim was
some psychopathic, crazy maniacs running sprawled on the couch, throwing any cheap
around loose in the street, obsessed with utensil that came into his hand at the cheaper,
making themselves legendary by committing malfunctioning TV.
nasty things on people. They may be patient Glooming on the Budweiser commercial
ly waiting for his or her next victim to come with three frogs and a gay alligator, with no
along and fall under the gentle nudge of a comprehension of course, he was suddenly
chainsaw. struck with the desire to have his nose
pierced. Managing to excavate some money up in realization. I gotta get my nose pierced
from the personal dug-in grave under his ... my right nostril ... yeah ... where is that
bed, (which he calls a holy residence, where bald surgeon ...? He was so deeply absorbed
he finds his spiritual peace) he happily into his thought that he wasn't aware of the
drilled out the door. He shuffled toward the approaching band of kids. Wide frightened
cheap surgery room (actually, a small corner eyes, open mouth, all bumping into each oth
of the pet shop with a single stool and vari er desperately.
ous pins) where in the past he had got his It was dark since Jim had took away the
two very artistic tattoos on his butt and four only existing light source in the corridor: the
piercings in each ear. It could be pointed out small candlestick, which by now was com
that body piercing is one of the few rare pletely smoldered and blended with his hand,
sources in which he is capable of finding looking like an unidentifiable red clump of
pleasure. Of course, he wouldn't leave out waxy, round object
the double ring on his eye brows and his left / have to get my nose pierced! With a
nostril. He had considered having his tongue flashing spark (of what?), he reeled back and
pinned also, but he despised the taste and the rushed back through the ashen corridor. He
feeling of the cold metal and his girlfriend absentmindedly pushed aside the little, dark
had braces. creatures bearing, fearfully, the idea of little
As I was saying, 'he shuffled toward the goblins. Jim would never have realize that he
cheap surgery room (or actually a small corn had pushed the poor, innocent kids into a
er of the pet shop)... etc, etc...' Jim somehow storage area which would lock automatically
ended up facing a haunted house. At this mo from the outside.
ment, bearing in mind the fact that he was in He ran and ran, trying to focus on the
credulously stupid, his brain didn't come to blurred stone floor. He panted in exaspera
realize that he was at the wrong destination tion, constantly wiping the sweat away from
and had taken a wrong turn in the last block. his forehead. It seemed like eternity since he
He simply stood there, like the typical had turned away from the green arrows.
dumb kid, his brain's lobes for reasoning and Again, his grand stupidity came to ac
decision making too stiff to function. Then, tion; Jim was unaware that he had taken a
without considering the consequences, he wrong corridor. He was actually heading fur
trotted into the promising dark entrance, out ther and further away from the entrance. He
lined with faint rays of red and green lights. didn't realize that, of course. It was too dark
It was pitch dark for the first five or six anyway. Then he saw a prickle of light seep
steps. He ran his hands over the wall, instinc ing out in yonder. Yes! He hurried anxiously
tively taking cautious care for any ambigu toward the light. Fumbling for an opening, he
ous object that could topple him. Soon, to his felt an cold object at the tip of his fingers.
relief, a flickering pale light was spied danc Twisting the bolt, Jim flung it open and
ing over the bloodish candle stick. He stepped in.
whisked the thin stick into his hand, unaware "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH ----//A'///"
of the liquefied wax trickling down his palm. From then on, Jim's existence came to be
Blankly he looked up, sighting various a mystery. Nobody saw him, nobody heard
green arrows of distinct directions with red of him, and nobody even cared nor noticed.
paint spilled over it Hmmm... this way to the The townspeople were never quite able
butcher's, over there goes to the graveyard, to discover what had vanished from their so
and this leads to the goblins. He blinked ciety, but whatever it was, they felt satisfied.
twice, turning the silver ring in his hand, By the way, what did happen to Jim? I
which had a shape of a man strangling a don't know and who cares anyway? I'm fin-
woman to death. He loved the dam ring. It ished
reflected his personality. Note: / apologize for the ambiguous end
Jim blinked again. Now what? After a ing. Do understand. Thank youfor your corn-
moment of stillness, his left eyebrow jumped prehension.
oplwioric Masteries 11

Ibc Caec of tbc

Jamie Brown

Here's the second edition of the mystery "True," continued Mrs. McElroy, "as can
thingersfor this year. This one takes place different times of the day give cause for a
in Boston, not London. Jeamings moved. subject having different styles of writing.
However, a person's immediate mood, if not
their overall personality, always shows
through in their handwriting."
The old friends sat dining together in one Just then a young, stocky policemen
of Boston's most distinguished restaurants* bursts into the restaurant panting.
The McElroy couple had just flown in from "Detective!" he called. "Thank God I
London to visit their good friend, Dr. Jeam found you. I've been sent to find you. I
ings. Once upon a time the three had solved would that I didn't need to."
many a case together. Now Mrs. McElroy Jeamings stood up from his chair. "Well,
was a highly-respected psychiatrist and her what's the matter, Miles?" he asked.
husband a best-selling novelist "It's your neighbor, sir, Mr. Wellington.
"I met with some other psychiatrists at a He's just been found dead at his office desk."
convention not long before we left for "Good God!" gasped the detective.
Boston,^ Mrs. McElroy was saying. uSome "What happened?"
spoke of an interesting project I thought "It looks like suicide, sir. Apparently he
you'd like to consider." collected all his personal documents, ail of
"Oh? What of?" asked the detective. his writings, and threw them into the fire
"Handwriting," the psychiatrist con place before sitting down at his office desk
tinued. "They were studying the ways a per one last time and killing himself. In his hand
son's handwriting can tell about their person was a bottle of sleeping pills, half-empty.
ality. For instance, inconsistent handwriting They would have moved the body, but I
can show a moody personality, while large thought you should take a look at him first."
spaces between words tells of a lack of moti "Thank you. I'll go at once." He turned
vation." to the couple now standing beside him and
"But that may not be a very consistent said, "I hope you'll forgive the interruption.
form of analysis," argued Detective Jeam It is rather urgent."
ings, "for a dull topic can spark careless "On one condition," Mr. McElroy said
handwriting just as easily as an indifferent with a smug smile, "that you take us with
personality." you. Its been a good long while since we had
a go at one of your mysteries/* he'd ever written and destroyed it - all of it
With a grim laugh the detective said, "Of All the documents we have left of him are
course. But what makes you so sure there is printed and published."
a mystery involved?" "How truly odd," replied the detective.
"The good policemen here would not "I'd like to meet with Mrs. Wellington."
have come to fetch you had he thought the "You're in luck," Miles said. "She's
suicide viable," answered Mr, McElroy. downstairs with the investigator right now."
With that, Miles gave a quick smile, spun "Good," the detective said, "Lets go
on his heel, and led the company out of the down."
restaurant Mr. and Mrs. McElroy stopped on the
Upon arriving at the scene Dr. Jeamings way downstairs to telephone for a cab. By
felt a lump growing in his throat at the sight the time they came down Dr. Jeamings was
of his dear old neighbor slumped over his already immersed in conversation with a
desk, lifeless. Policemen strayed here and middle-aged woman; Mrs. Wellington, as
there. What just that morning had been the sumed the couple. A frail woman, she sat
office of a cheerful old man had turned into a clutching a handkerchief in one hand. Her
sight of investigation. What could have pos eyes were red and puffy. She and the detec
sessed him to kill himself, the detective won tive sat on a small wooden bench, and the de
dered? tective held her hand while speaking in a
There seemed to be a tense awkwardness soft, sympathetic tone.
in the man's position, slumped over as he There was a pause in the conversation.
was. His head lay resting on a piece of yel Mrs. Wellington took a long, broken breath
low note paper. His right hand had fallen be and sighed. "He was sitting at that very
side an upturned mug of water; his left same desk," she began slowly. "He was
clutched a small brown medicine bottle- leaning back in his chair, swerving back and
Mrs. McElroy stood leaning over the sui forth. His feet were crossed on the table. He
cide note with her hands clasped behind her was twirling a pencil in his right hand, and
back. "He had a cheery disposition, so his had a teasing gnn on his face. I'll never for
writing tells me," she said. "Strange, though. get that face. He seemed so at ease, as if
It doesn't show the slightest hint of tension." nothing would ever break his peace. What
Jeamings strode over to join the psychia deviltry could have possessed him to take his
trist. He bent over the note and saw that it own life?"
was written with a flowery script, spaced Jeamings sat up straight and smiled.
evenly, and slightly tilted to the left. "Nothing, Ms. Wellington," he said. "Your
"What made me suspicious/9 Miles be husband didn't kill himself; he was mur
gan, striding over to join the others, "was the dered. The scene in his office was a set-up.
way he signed his name: 'Forever Yours, We can be sure of that now."
Henry/ I'd known Mr. Wellington for close
to fifteen years, and he always seemed to me
a very practical person, always sincere; he al
ways took things literally. Obviously, his What was it that let the detective confirm
death has taken him away from his wife; he everyone's suspicions? I'm putting the an-
is no longer 'hers.' He would never have swer in the articley if anyone hasn 9t already
used that irony with his wife, especially in a figured it out. This time, however, in really
situation like this." small print:
"You may be right," Dr. Jeamings noted,
"but we can't be sure .. .yet I'd like to see The writing on the suicide note was tilted to the
some of his writings." left, implying that the writer was left-handed. Ms.
Tin afraid there's none left, sir," an Wellington said he was twilling the pencil in his right
swered Miles. "He burnt everything. Appar hand, so if he had actually written the note jt would be
ently it was a big job; he collected everything tilted to the right He didn't write it.
FROM

ART
DEPARTMENT by Sebastian Strzalkowski

The Art Department has recently asked if Well, it's been fun reviewing these car
they could release some of their artwork in toons, and now I have to go, hope you en
"the Maya Pulse". They have come out with joyed reading and viewing the work of the
an interesting insight on the students and Art Dept. and the little bio of Mrs. Ramirez.
their thoughts about life, school, walnuts,
etc...
Note: Due to technical difficulties (Read:
Mrs. Ramirez is the head of the art de laziness by the part of the editor), the pencil
partment. She grew up in the American drawings submitted for this issue will appear
School in El Salvador. She has lived in many on the next one. Another reason to buy is
exotic countries in the world. She has four sue three!
children and a lovely husband who also lives The cartoons found on next page have my
with her, in her house (as opposed to living seal of approval and all carry a running com
in a tree, I suppose...). Sometimes, he can be mentary by Mr. Strzalkowski. So sit back,
seen at school giving a helping hand to his pop open a can of Dole Radioactive Apple
wife in moving artistic creations. You may Milk-Shake, and enjoy the view.
have seen him helping move the mini-puppet -Bubba Manson
stage during the play "Kiss Me, Kate". Editor in Chief
ftele minds of the senior
cla Another Anthro Class

"Another Anthro. Class" by Carlos H.


Victoria, is the 12th cartoon so far: An
"Sick Minds of the Senior Class" by Daniela Lopez aerial view of his anthropology class and
is a description of the senior class she is in. Many it's students.
parts had to be censored since "it might influence
the minds of the students that read this magazine"

Let me rest for a while

This one portrays a students escape from Paige Cunningham expresses many of
homework into ding-dong land. Maybe students late nights at home.
Pat Yoo is trying to fullfill his fantasies
through his art?
Senior Chicks The Cool B-MVS
People"—aitd Robin
Run Forrest, |
Run! \

This one is by Aaron Chock and it's nice.


I liked this one, by Aaron Chock. I liked It's a cartoon of the 12th grade boys in
the aspect of the girls having balloon front of the administration building. It
heads - get it? - "airheads". Anyhow, it's shows Mr. Evil Jim Pastore running like
nice.
the dickens.

'Am I the one who's


weird?"

What?!
Don't you
eat bugs?

GfiffiBOh
UGS.

This one is by Teresa Membreno and is a


cartoon of "Mr. Afro Head". Who could This one, by Yoon Kim, represents all the
that be? "wonderfully nutritious" garbage the cafe
teria forces us to swallow.