2 Vol.
XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
news Upcoming Campus Events
Another 10 years of coke and not the
one you put in your nose.
The Killing Joke of Killer Coke
By Andrew Fraley and Matt Willemain
Can the decisions we make about
what sodas and other drinks are
available in the dining halls on cam-
pus have life or death consequences
for people over two thousand miles
away? Stony Brook students with the
Social Justice Alliance (SJA), a club
dedicated to global justice issues,
have argued they can. For several
years, SJA members, working with
student and labor activists nationally
and internationally, have been cam-
paigning against Stony Brook’s exclu-
sive contract with Coca-Cola. On
Wednesday, February 27, the SJA
sponsored an appearance by public
speaker Camilo Romero, an expert in
making the case against Coke—and
also conducted an interview with
him, which can be found on the In-
ternet by searching youtube.com for
“Camilo Romero Q&A.” Romero is
the national organizer for Outreach
with United Students Against Sweat-
shops (USAS). The case argued by
Romero and the SJA, that Coca-Cola
shares responsibility for human rights
violations internationally (up to and
including the political murder of bot-
tling plant unionists in Colombia),
informs decisions being made on
campus right now about what com-
pany can sell drinks to thirsty stu-
dents.
Stony Brook, represented by the
Faculty Student Association (FSA),
has an exclusive contract with Coca-
Cola. In addition to advertising op-
portunities around campus, most
prominently in the campus’ athletic
facilities, no beverage that competes
directly with a Coke product can be
sold in any campus eatery. In ex-
change for monopoly economic
power over students who don’t leave
campus and the chance to build
brand recognition with young con-
sumers, Coke pays the University a
premium in secretive scholarship
funds, the details of which have been
hidden from this newspaper on the
dubious grounds that they are a busi-
ness secret. Contracts like these, for
campus services like beverage provi-
sions, temporary and periodically
come under review. Stony Brook is
about to decide, again, with whom to
make a deal for drinks, and under
what terms.
Camilo Romero is a native
Colombian and member of the Na-
tional Union of Food Industry Work-
ers (SINALTRAINAL), the union in
Colombia in which many of its lead-
ers have been murdered for their
Six Diamond Whore Coming to Stony
Brook on March 31st.
human rights advocacy. This gives
him a unique expertise perfect for his
roles in USAS and other international
advocacy groups. With this perspec-
tive, Romero acts as a liaison between
the interests of the workers in Colom-
bia and the campaign organizers in
America and around the world. In his
presentation, Romero gave a detailed
account of Coca-Cola’s bloody his-
tory in Colombia. Romero went on to
talk about the purpose of these cam-
pus movements and the impact they
have had. “The goal [of these cam-
paigns],” said Romero, “is not to
Camilo Romero is a sexy activist-superstar.
eliminate the Coca Cola Company
from the face of the earth, but instead
to make sure that we can hold them
to a higher code of integrity.” The
campaign has gained popularity and
influence at a university level due to
students’ willingness to hold human
rights issues over the bottom line.
“Universities have a key role in that
they’re major consumers and contract
partners and have their own indirect
and direct economy over what con-
tracts they maintain,” explained
Romero. Holding companies to a
moral standard at a collegiate level
will send a message that there are po-
tential future loyal customers who
will not accept immoral and illegal
practices of these companies. The fact
that other universities, such as New
York University, the University of
Michigan and Hofstra University
have seen positive effects from simi-
I-CON! April 4th-6th
lar campaigns is evidence of its suc-
cess. Romero even went on to assert
that the decision of Rutgers Univer-
sity to choose Pepsi over Coke was di-
rectly influenced by the Killer Coke
Campaign.
Locally, the SJA has made great
strides in their campaign against
Coke. They have had great success in
gaining the attention of the adminis-
tration and FSA. This has led to many
positive changes, such as the inclu-
sion of undergraduate and graduate
student representatives in the bid
evaluation committee and a code of
Andrew Fraley
ethics for companies making a con-
tract bid, which could result in con-
tract termination for continued
violation of it. Nevertheless, Coke’s
contract with the university expires
in July, and the deadline for the new
bid selection is April 1. Coke is one of
the three possibilities for the new ten-
year exclusive contract, along with
Pepsi and Big Geyser. While an ex-
clusive contract with the other two
companies is not the ideal, the SJA
feels that any company would be bet-
ter than Coke. The SJA encourages all
students interested and concerned to
contact Karol Gray. Gray is the VP of
Finance is the Treasurer of the FSA
Board of Directors and oversees Pro-
curement. Before the FSA and Pro-
curement make the bid on April 1,
any input by the students could have
a huge impact on the decision.
A Brief Histor y of the
C oca- Cola Controversy
Although Coke denies these
charges against them, cam-
paigners have much evidence
strongly to suggest that:
For more than fifteen years,
Coke has been involved in vio-
lent, and often bloody anti-
union struggles around the
world. Most notably is Colom-
bia, in which nine union lead-
ers have been murdered, and
hundreds of other workers have
been tortured, kidnapped, or
physically threatened since
1990. The most famous of these
cases is that of Isidro Segundo
Gil, who was shot to death by
paramilitaries hired by the bot-
tling plant manager during
work on December 5, 1996. The
next day the paramilitaries
handed the remaining workers
official Coke resignation pa-
pers, demanding that they also
quit, or die too.
Coke has since blocked any
third party investigations into
the matter. They also have yet
to disclose the findings of their
own vindicating investigation
to the public. The investigation
team that reported these find-
ings were a supposed “indepen-
dent third party,”
representatives of the White &
Case Law Firm, a law firm
which represents Coke on a
regular basis. A second inde-
pendent investigation was con-
ducted by Cal Safety and
Compliance Corporation
(CSCC). The CSCC has been
involved in numerous scandals
in which they have white-
washed corporate crimes, ac-
cording to Romero. At the
University of Michigan, Coke
promised an investigation by
the International Labor Organ-
ization. Coke has since quashed
the promised investigation after
languishing for over two years.
Apart from the incidents in
Colombia, there is an array of
other charges against Coke, in-
cluding anti-union thuggish-
ness in Turkey and Indonesia,
and environmental violations
in India, Ghana and Mexico.
The Stony Brook Press News 3
“I created Coca-Cola to alleviate my severe morphine withdrawls.” —John Pemberton

“Oooo...Your survey got served!”

Take The Press’ Survey of the Center for Survey Research’s survey of campus opinion This semester where do you attend the majority of your classes?
of national brand beverages. Does it adequately address all the issues relevant to the de-
cision we face? Read the University survey, and then answer our survey questions West Campus (Main)
Health Sciences Campus
Campus Beverage Preference Survey – 2008 Other (Please Specify)

The University is reviewing its Campus-wide beverage contract, and is interested in Are you a(n)…?
your preferences for national brand beverages that will be offered on campus. The sur-
vey will take just a couple of minutes to complete. Undergraduate Student
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Continue

Overall, which of the following national beverage brands do you prefer? Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding murders in Colom-
bia?
Coca Cola Products, including Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Minute Maid juices, Yes, entirely
Barq’s Root Beer, Nestea Iced Tea, Power Aid, and Dasani water Sort of
Pepsi Products, including Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Tropicana Not really
Juices, Mug Root Beer, Lipton Iced Tea, SoBe, and Aquafina water Not at all
No Preference – Drink both brands
Neither – Do not drink either brand Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding responsible water
resource management in India?
What is the most important factor in determining which beverage brand you would pre- Yes, entirely
fer to purchase? Sort of
Not really
Price Not at all
Nutritional Content
Taste Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding independent re-
Something else (Please specify) gional beverage distributors, Big Geyser?
Yes, entirely
How often do you purchase beverages from vending machines on campus? Sort of
Not really
More than once a day Not at all
Once a day
More than once a week Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding monopolies which
Once a week exploit students who can’t get off campus?
Several times a month Yes, entirely
Once a month Sort of
Less than once a month Not really
Never Not at all

How convenient are the locations of the beverage vending machines? Do you feel the survey effectively measured your opinion regarding 10-year exclusive
contracts, which prevent fully 8 class years of students from participating in contracting
Very Convenient decisions on campus?
Somewhat Convenient Yes, entirely
Somewhat inconvenient Sort of
Very inconvenient Not really
Don’t use vending machines Not at all

Are you a Commuter or a Resident Student? How hard do you think it would have been to send this survey (shitty as it may be) to
every student on campus?
Commuter Excruciatingly difficult
Resident Very difficult
Kinda easy
Mind numbingly simple
 4 News
Beverage for Thought
Did you know that in his final speech before he died, Martin Luther King Jr. called for a boycott of Coca-Cola products? Then he was
assassinated. Coincidence? You decide.
From the Desk of NYPIRG
By Jake Conarck
State Senate Committee to Review
Rising Costs of Textbooks
State Senate Committees on Higher
Education and Consumer Protection
heard testimony from university offi-
cials, publisher and bookstore execu-
tives, and students about the causes and
impacts of rising textbook prices.
In recent years textbook prices have
increased at twice the rate of inflation.
The average first year student now pays
about $1,000 a year for textbooks and
supplies when calculated amounts to
23% of SUNY tuition, 25% of CUNY
tuition, 36% of CUNY Community
College tuition.
“I paid $426 for textbooks this se-
mester,” said Lindsay Bernard, a junior
and Sociology major working with
NYPIRG, “Publishers are releasing new
editions too often and that makes it
harder for me to rely on used books.”
NYPIRG students also complained
that publishers drive up book prices by
bundling them with CD-ROMS, work-
books, and other supplements that stu-
dents have to buy- even if they don’t
need them for class.
Senators Kenneth LaValle and
Charles Fuschillo called the hearing to
collect input on pending legislation.
The “Textbook Access Act” would re-
quire publishers to disclose book prices
to faculty upon request. It would also
ensure that publishers offer books for
sale in the format in which faculty order
them, meaning that if they don’t plan to
use bundled “extras” in class they can
order books without them. NYPIRG
says the bill is a start, but it could go a
lot further.
“It’s encouraging that the Senate is
taking up the textbooks issue but this
bill needs more teeth,” said Fran Clark,
NYPIRG program coordinator. Clark
suggested that the words “on request” be
removed from the bill so that publish-
ers would have to disclose prices to
every faculty member who orders
books. Other suggestions from
NYPIRG included disclosing changes
between successive textbook editions so
faculty can decide if ordering the
newest edition is warranted as well as
requiring that bundled supplements be
sold a la catre so students can decide
which extras to buy.
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Bernard and other Stony Brook stu-
dents are continuing their textbooks
campaign. “We’re surveying faculty,
meeting legislators and researching new
ways to save students money,” Bernard
said “We’re excited by what we might
accomplish.”
80’s Night
80’s Night took place on Saturday,
March 8th in Ballroom B of the SAC.
Co-sponsored by NYPIRG and the En-
vironmental Club, its main goal was to
raise awareness and support for the Bot-
tle Bill. It was a great event that was able
to get students involved by having them
write letters to local representatives. Joe
Stelling spoke at the event about the ne-
cessity of updating the Bottle Bill, and
of the importance of conserving and
protecting New York’s environment.
Also, members of NYPIRG con-
tacted Senator Flanagan to urge him to
support the Bigger Better Bottle Bill by
calling his office throughout the day.
The Senator appreciated being able to
experience the passion with which his
constituents support the updates to the
Bottle Bill.
Prom Boutique
The Hunger and Homeless Out-
reach Campaign will be collecting
shoes, dresses, unused cosmetics and
accessories for the senior girls at Port
Jefferson Station High School. This
event will take place on May 3rd from 1
p.m. to 4 p.m., however donations can
be made at any time at the NYPIRG of-
fice in the Stony Brook Union room
079.
Homeless Under the Stars
“Homeless Under the Stars” is an
on-campus, educational event where
Stony Brook students sleep in hand-
made houses of cardboard in order to
bring awareness about the amount of
homeless and hungry people that exist
within our own community. The date
and time for this event will be an-
nounced. The clothing drive is being
conducted on behalf of the Immigrant
Farmers Alliance. This clothing drive
will last all semester. Any donations can
be made at the NYPIRG office.
The Stony Brook Press
Death and Destruction in Albany with SSK!
By Jon Singer
President Shirley Strum Kenny
doesn’t lobby, she advocates. And when
she traveled up to Albany with 1,000 of
her students last week, she wasn’t the
only one advocating for the state’s sup-
port.
Her day of meetings started off trad-
ing by jokes with BOCES. “You’re too
late, we got all the money,” said one ad-
vocate from the Board of Cooperative
Education Services, as he left the con-
ference room President Kenny and her
convoy were about to enter. Apparently
Stony Brook isn’t the only group look-
ing for large numbers.
But as the national economy shrinks
and the state budget faces a deficit, this
year’s lobbying season is especially im-
portant for whoever wants their fair
share of state funds.
President Kenny’s first conference
was with Jeffrey Lovell, secretary of the
senate finance committee. Only, the
politician was “triple booked,” and in-
stead the president and her gang of ten
cohorts spoke with an analyst for most
of the time.
They spoke about the need for more
full time faculty, funds to mitigate stu-
dent fees, a student recreation center,
and the expanding Stony Brook Uni-
versity Medical Center. Kenny’s travel
group included USG President Joseph
Antonelli, United University Profes-
sions Chapter President Kathy Souther-
ton, and Stony Brook Council Member
John Cochrane. The head of a school
with a vocal protest against Coca-Cola,
President Kenny spent the day drinking
Ballroom Skating?
By Nick Eaton
SAC Ballroom A has “hosted a
multitude of events from formal ban-
quets and awards dinners, to student
club parties, concerts, movies, food
and trade show exhibits, and national
dance competitions.” On Friday, Feb-
ruary 29, however, the room was trans-
formed into an indoor “ice” skating
rink. The 20’x40’ cutting board mate-
rial misted with water acted as an ice
substitute, but how did it fare against
actual ice? Andrew Washington, for-
mer head coach of the Farmingdale
State hockey team, expressed only
minor differences between the $3,500
rink and actual ice. “It’s a little
tougher,” Washington said, skating a
Pepsi products.
The group’s second meeting was
with Senator Kenneth LaValle. LaValle
is chairman of the Committee on
Higher Education and, before the most
recent round of redistricting, repre-
sented Stony Brook. The unusually per-
sonal meeting began with LaValle
showing President Kenny pictures of his
grandchildren, which set the tone for a
brief conference that reiterated the sen-
Jon Singer
President Kenny and all her cohorts.
ator’s support of SBU and higher edu-
cation.
“Our growth and our development
would not have happened without
LaValle’s vision,” said Kenny. “We are
eternally grateful.” In response LaValle
did some advocating of his own. He
commended the university’s impact on
the local economy, as well as the school’s
athletics programs (the school’s football
stadium is named after him). Then he
told president Kenny to invest in a mar-
bit to illustrate his point “It takes a lit-
tle more leg muscle, but it’s a lot like
Nick Eaton
A little bit of this.
keting campaign. “If we were in busi-
ness together, I would recommend you
all buy stock in that company,” he said.
To get to lunch, President Kenny
had to walk past a long row of tables ad-
vocating for Binghamton University.
Along with the Medical Society of The
State of New York, BU had also brought
up a sizable group ready to
advocate/lobby for what it saw as its fair
share of government support. Albany
politicians recognized the conflict.
“Stony Brook and Binghamton are like
the crips and the bloods,” joked Lloyd
Constantine, Senior Advisor to Gover-
nor Spitzer.
Throughout the day, President
Kenny boasted to lawmakers about her
school’s recently acquired “flagship” sta-
tus. In her meeting with Constantine,
the group agreed that a large responsi-
bility comes with being named a “flag-
ship,” while representatives from
Binghamton refused to comment on the
title.
This year the state is planning to
lease the lottery to a private company.
While a bidder is yet to be found, law-
makers hope the deal will create a $4
billion endowment to fund public edu-
cation. “This year demonstrates why
that endowment is needed,” said Con-
stantine, referring to a state budget
deficit that is over $4 billion.
After a quick look inside the New
York State Capitol’s assembly chamber,
The Presidential convoy met with Leg-
islative Coordinator Mark Casellini. For
the fourth time, members of the group
introduced themselves and pitched
their issues. USG President Joe An-
tonelli wants more full time faculty,
after seeing core courses being taught
ice. It’s good, I think the kids will like
it.”
The event was originally listed on
the events calendar as costing $1, but
upon waiting at the doors until roughly
7:30 (half an hour later than the listed
time) the fee was dropped and students
were able to obtain a ticket at the box
office enabling them to skate for fifteen
minutes at a time. Attendance seemed
scarce at first glance, a group of eleven
people waiting at the door that quickly
reduced to four individuals after fif-
teen minutes of waiting. As things
warmed up, the room gained roughly
thirty inhabitants, most of them spec-
tators. Smiles filled the room for the
most part. The only concerned gazes
came from first-time skaters who
struggled on the pseudo ice, a point
News 5
by graduate students. Victor Rosado,
who represented Graduate Students and
Teaching Assistants, wants state support
to lighten the burden of university
funds. “Fees are a huge cost for us,” says
Rosado, adding statistics about the cost
of living location fund: Living on Long
Island is 30% more expensive than in
Albany, and 80% more expensive than
Buffalo (SUNY Buffalo was also named
a “flagship” SUNY school).
Southerton represented Stony Brook
Heath Sciences and campaigned on be-
half of the Stony Brook Medical Center,
as well as the school’s nursing program.
She spoke while hospitals and nursing
programs around the state face staff
shortages, leaving registered nurses to
work shifts that last as long as 16 hours,
according to the School of Journalism’s
blog at stonybrooknow.com.
Another campaign that Kenny pre-
sented throughout the day was the
school’s plan for a student recreation
center. “We need to be first rate,” said
Kenny, describing an “arms race” sce-
nario between top universities nation-
wide for rec centers. Instead of asking
students to pay for the center, the school
is asking for $18 million in capital funds
to complete the project. “Until you
build it, you can’t ask students to pay for
it,” says Kenny.
After hearing about hospitals,
faculty, rec centers and expensive fees,
Casellini wished President Kenny’s
group good luck. “This is a very diffi-
cult budget year,” he said. With numer-
ous organizations lobbying on March 4,
1,000 Stony Brook students advocated
on behalf of their school. “We expect
the students to do a lot of the talking,”
said President Kenny.
which only gives credence to the rinks
mimicking ability.
Nick Eaton
And that.
 6 News
Beverage for Thought
Did you know that Fanta was created by Nazis when they couldn’t import Coke syrup after the start of WWII? Just drink Shasta. It’s named
after a mountain, not a narcotic.
University Hedgehogging
By Alex H. Nagler
In an unprecedented moment of
generosity, Forbes’ 57th Richest Person
in America and former chairman of the
math department Jim Simons gave
Stony Brook a sixty million dollar do-
nation. The gift is the largest donation
ever made to both Stony Brook and a
single SUNY institution. It was an-
nounced at a press conference keynoted
by Governor Eliot Spitzer at Stony
Brook’s Man-
hattan Cen-
ter.
This gift is
one of the
many recent
developments
that the Uni-
versity has
touted over
the past year.
Starting with
the 50th an-
niversary of
the campus
itself and the
declaration by Governor Spitzer in the
State of the State Address in January,
where he called for Stony Brook to be-
come a “flagship” of the SUNY system,
the school has had a good year. Spitzer
called on other philanthropists to in-
crease their donations to Stony Brook
and the SUNY and CUNY systems,
stating that “the donation will bolster
You’re Hired?
By Najib Aminy
Dressed to garnish a good first im-
pression, many Stony Brook students
flocked to the Student Activities Center
for the Job and Internship Fair this past
Wednesday and Thursday. Résumés in
hand, ties tied, and shoes polished, stu-
dents flocked to hundreds of companies
that were present at the job fair, such as
Ameriprise, Geico, Liberty Mutual,
Madison Square Garden, and the Social
Security Administration. With over 130
companies represented in the span of
two days, the opportunity presented
ambivalent for students with specific
majors.
However, for seniors Mark Cerasini
and Dan Berluti, of the many compa-
nies represented, none had suited their
health science majors. Cerasini sug-
gested that the career center should
“bring in more companies with variety.”
New York’s efforts to become a leader in
innovation and excellence in higher ed-
ucation.”
Stony Brook has joined the ranks of
Columbia, MIT, UC Berkley, and Yale
for institutions that the Simons have
given money to. Now with the addition
of this gift, the Simons Center for
Geometry and Physics will be built ad-
jacent to the Math Tower in the near fu-
ture.
When asked for comment on what
this will do for the school, and the
physics department, Professor George
F. Sterman, Distinguished Professor and
Director of the C.N. Yang Institute for
Theoretical Physics stated that he feels
“…the Center, will further strengthen
the related departments in physical sci-
ences, making Stony Brook more at-
tractive to the best faculty in all fields,
and will bring new opportunities in
graduate study, new grants, the funds
Berluti added, “I was looking for some
jobs in the medical field, but I found
mostly financial stuff and insurance
companies.” Although there were com-
panies related to the medical field, they
were largely outnumbered by business
related companies. “If you are not a
business major you are not going to get
noticed.” Said Berluti. Cerasini added
,“Stony Brook should help students with
building their resume with internships
Nagler
“Check out my mustache.”
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
from which will be mostly spent here on
Long Island. It will also sponsor special
programs that will involve the entire
campus community.”
This new center will be used for the
study of string theory, which is essen-
tially the study of the fundamental un-
derpinning of all physics. In the
creation of the center, the University has
already poached Dr. Michael R. Dou-
glass from Rutgers University. Dr. Dou-
glass helped create the first solvable
model of string theory, and will be re-
turning home to Stony Brook to teach
in the same department that his father
worked in, back when Dr. Simons was
in charge.
Parts of the money will also be used
to bring in visiting faculty members to
serve a term or to spearhead a work-
shop or conference. On this, Professor
Sterman said, “The center will bring
faculty, but also visitors—long and short
and opportunities in all fields. We had
to find opportunities outside of Stony
Brook.”
Of the medical companies that were
in attendance was Kathy Barrish from
the Human Resource Department of
Memorial Sloan Kettering, a cancer re-
search institution. Barrish looks for stu-
dents that know what they want. Rather
than asking questions of what a certain
company does, Barrish prefers students
who come up to her and ask questions
such as “I am graduating with a psy-
chology degree, what can I do?”
Josefina Salguero and Zahabiya Za-
veri of the Stony Brook Child Care Cen-
ter say that of the students that come up
to their booth, many of them do wind
up working for them. The Stony Brook
Child Care Center is a non-profit or-
ganization that provides childcare serv-
ices for staff, faculty, and employees of
Stony Brook University. According to
Zaveri, such a program is a foundation
and experience necessary for anything
term—and when it is successfully up
and running, those visitors will bring
home with them the memory of the
good work they did and the good time
they had at Stony Brook. Our name has
been spread around the world that way
by summer workshops and we think the
Center will add to Stony Brook’s world
reputation at an even greater level.”
Having a center like this opens the
University up to further national and
international acclaim. A specialized
building that serves the primary pur-
pose of something, like an emerging
field such
as string
t h e o r y,
would do
wonders
for the
University,
giving it a
sort of na-
t i ona l
prestige in
the subject
area. Also,
Nova and
Discovery
Channel
specials always need experts to inter-
view for their latest programs. Having a
few somewhat familiar faces would
make for a nice change of pace in a field
that’s dominated by the UCals and
Columbias of the world.
Alex H. Nagler thinks Dr. Brian
Greene and his strings are dreamy.
childcare related. In terms of the job fair
as a whole, “I think it is a great oppor-
tunity to get to know employers and ask
questions about positions unheard,”
said Zaveri.
Representing Aerotek, a leading
provider of profession recruiting and
staffing, Pinar Senyilmaz looks for cer-
tain qualities in the students that come
up to her. “Someone who is profes-
sional, has good communication skills,
and knows what they are looking for
and knows where they want to be in the
next couple of years.” The résumé, Seny-
ilmaz adds, helps, but it is not the de-
ciding factor, rather a way to help
strengthen a candidate. Senyilmaz ad-
vises students to “check out the infor-
mation beforehand, and stop at every
table because you don’t know who you
are going to meet.”
Of the consumer companies present
was Abercrombie and Fitch. Roxanne
HIRED continued on page next page
The Stony Brook Press
“One In Two People In the Country Is a Woman;
Is About Time to Get to Know About Them
By Najib Aminy
Feminists are the group that many
consider to be consisted of women who
are ugly, man-hating, self-loving les-
bians. However to paint a picture with
one brush fails justice as Britnay Ley-
don, a member of the non-funded Fem-
inist Majority Leadership Alliance
(FMLA) says. Leydon, a sophomore
from Commack, recently attended the
National Young Women’s Leadership
Conference in Washington D.C. this
past weekend. Accompanied with three
other Stony Brook students, Leydon
and her classmates learned about ways
to promote awareness of FMLA as well
as become aware to the strife that many
women leaders have gone through.
Notable speakers at the conference
were Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes
Norton (D- DC), Dolores Huerta of the
United Farm Workers, Eleanor Smeal of
the Feminist Majority Foundation, and
Kim Gandy of National Organization of
Women. Of these speakers, the most
notable to Leydon was Dr. George
Tiller. Tiller is a physician in Wichita,
Kansas who has been under numerous
attacks by pro-life organizations. With
feminists, the foundations of beliefs are
that feminists believe in equal opportu-
nity for and justice of all women. They
are pro-choice and fight for the rights of
all women regardless of race.
Tiller, a doctor who was a strong ad-
vocate for abortions spoke at the con-
ference about how he his life was
endangered, how his clinic was burned
to the ground, and about being shot by
pro-life activists. Leydon said it was
Tiller that intrigued her most, with his
mind-opening presentation of slides
showing pictures of babies of drug ad-
dicts as well as those with deformities.
Tiller described that these babies can
live only 1-2 years of age before dying.
Leydon says that she felt inspired after
hearing Tiller speak of his clinic being
bombed, as well as being shot twice.
Nicole Igneri, a senior from Mastic
Beach, who also attended the confer-
ence, felt empowered after the two-day
You’re Hired, continued
HIRED continued from previous page
Mooris, Senior Recruiter of the Long Is-
land area, says that students who have a
really strong entrepreneurial spirit and
really ambitious stand out to her the
most. For Jami Johanides, District Man-
ager of the Hollister Stores in Long Is-
event. Igneri says she was moved most
by Eleanor Smeal, who went up to the
four students and asked them about
their troubles with starting up the Stony
Brook chapter of the FMLA. Igneri adds
that her gesture was not only kind
rather supportive. Igneri says that the,
Leydon is wearing a fantastic scarf.
FMLA is having trouble conforming
their nationalized constitution to the
liking of the USG, despite the fact that
they were funded the previous semester
with the same constitution.
Another issue that caught the atten-
tion of both Leydon and Igneri was the
practice of “fake” abortion clinics. The
conference brought awareness to such
clinics, that when contacted by phone
land and New Jersey, it is the students
that are well rounded and very involved
on campus that would make a candidate
memorable and that much more likely
to get a job.
Of the companies represented, the
provide supportive information in get-
ting an abortion. However when one
actually goes to have an appointment,
the “fake clinic” intimidates their pa-
tients and provides false information re-
garding abortion, such as abortion
causes an 80% increase in cancer, thus
to persuade their patients to not have an
abortion.
To the stereotype that all feminists
are man-hating lesbians, Leyden said,”
All we do is fight for our rights and men
can’t do anything but bash us and bring
us down. Not all feminists are lesbians.”
Just as with any group, there are ranges
of beliefs any where from moderates to
the radicals. Leyden says feminists, re-
majority were geared towards students
majoring in business, which left stu-
dents in majors such as political science
and health sciences going from booth-
to-booth in hopes of finding anything.
Of the journalism companies in atten-
News 7
gardless of how strong their ideology is,
they are working towards the same goal,
attaining equality and justice for women
all over the world.
When asked about the scene from
the infamous movie Borat, Leyden said
that the actual women who were ques-
tioned by actor Sacha Baron Cohen
were in attendance at the convention.
The scene is where Cohen’s character
Borat asks the feminists from Veteran
Feminists of America (VFA) about how
the size of a woman’s brain is smaller
than a squirrel. The members of the
VFA get angry and leave the interview.
Leyden says that many feminist groups
are put in similar situations such as the
members of the VFA. Igneri says, “If
you take any of that seriously, you
should go back to taking biology.”
Whether the findings of government
scientist Dr. Yemek may cause contro-
versy, both Igneri and Leyden say they
were inspired in the cause of feminism
by Stony Brook professor Francoise
Cromer, who teaches various Women
Studies courses. “She is just the kind of
person who doesn’t take anything from
anyone and fights for the equalities of
all.” Igneri says that it was Cromer that
sparked her interest in becoming in-
volved with the modern feminist move-
ment. Igneri urges anyone to visit
Cromer and try to prove any faults of
feminism to Cromer, saying that she
will answer back and make you think
and realize that you are wrong.
Both Igneri and Leydon are mem-
bers of the FMLA and are working on
spreading awareness in addition to be-
coming more involved on campus. Ley-
don left off with quoting Sojourner
Truth, an abolitionist as well as women’s
rights advocate. “If the first woman God
ever made was strong enough to turn
the world upside down all alone, these
women together ought to be able to
turn it back, and get it right side up
again! And now they are asking to do it,
the men better let them.” Though times
are completely different from the bra-
burning sixties as Ignerni says, “there
still needs things to be changed.”
dance, there was only one: News 12.
Though many companies attended, few
fields were represented.
 8 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Editorial Board
editorials
Executive Editor
Bryan Hasho
Managing Editor
James Laudano
No to Coke
Associate Editor
Alex H. Nagler On April 1, the Faculty Student As-
sociation (FSA) will make a decision to
Business Manager award a new, ten year, exclusive bever-
Adina Silverbush age contract either to our current
Production Manager provider, Coca-Cola, or to a competi-
Jesse Schoepfer tor—Pepsi or the independent regional
News Editor
company Big Geyser. The FSA should
Najib Aminy repudiate Coke and award the contract
to a competitor. Human rights advo-
Features Editor cates, from Stony Brook’s Social Justice
Jonathan Singer
Alliance (SJA) and other groups, have
Arts Editor conducted a well-argued publicity cam-
Andrew Fraley paign, over the past two years, to draw
Photo Editors attention to Coke’s irresponsible behav-
John ‘Caboose’ O’Dell ior worldwide—most significantly their
Roman Sheydvasser collusion with murderous paramili-
Copy Editors taries in Colombia. Readers can find
Nick Eaton some of their arguments in this issue of
Katie Knowlton The Press. Page two features the article
Webmaster “The Killing Joke of Killer Coke”, which
Chris Williams details a recent SJA-organized speaking
appearance by Colombian unionist
Audiomaster Camilo Romero, in which he described
Vincent Michael Festa
the devastating consequences of Coke’s
Ombudsman irresponsibility on slain union organiz-
Sam Goldman ers in his native land. On page nine, the
‘letters to the editor’ section opens with
a piece from our former news editor,
Jackie Hayes, who is currently involved
in a campaign, similar to the SJA’s, at the
Minister of Archives University at Albany. We find their ar-
Alex Walsh guments, for using the University’s eco-
Distribution Manager nomic position to hold Coke
David K. Ginn accountable, quit convincing.
portant human rights concerns, which
are the priority in this discussion. How-
ever, we have additional issues with the
beverage contract. At no point did the
university even consider a non-monop-
oly arrangement, or a contract lasting
fewer than ten years—both unfortunate
provisions are required of bidders by
the FSA.
The next beverage provider will,
once again, face virtually no competi-
tion in the campus beverage market-
place. With a monopoly contract, Coke,
Pepsi or Big Geyser will be free to ex-
ploit students who can’t conveniently
get off campus, facing no pressure what-
soever to provide quality products or
reasonable prices. This arrangement is
convenient for the cash-starved admin-
istration, which is bought off with pay-
offs in the form of secretive scholarships
that can be used to supplement the uni-
versity’s inadequate state funding, but it
is unacceptable to campus consumers—
we’ve been gouged enough in the form
of multiplying fees, parking fine in-
creases and countless other indignities.
The decision by the FSA to arrange
for a ten-year contract can only be seen
as an effort to undermine democracy
on campus. The great majority of the
campus population consists of under-
graduates. Ten-year contracts under-
mine student participation in public
consists of a four-year program, ten-
year contracts mean that six class years
of students will spend their full four
years at Stony Brook without ever wit-
nessing a contract renegotiation. If any
of these students are dissatisfied with
the terms of the contract, they will
never have a single chance to voice
those concerns in a venue that matters.
Second, given the tremendous turnover
in student populations and organiza-
tions, the long term of the contract is
virtually guaranteed to prevent any con-
tinuity in student leadership. No one
representing students in any of the rel-
evant committees will remember the
process or the outcome of the last con-
tract negotiations—there will be no in-
stitutional memory allowing students to
learn from their mistakes or build on a
coherent policy. The FSA should never
sign any contract on terms longer than
three years, which would allow for
meaningful student participation in
campus decision-making. Power in
university decision-making should be
distributed fairly among those who will
be impacted by the decisions—and
since most of the people served by con-
tractors like the beverage provider are
undergraduates, we deserve effective in-
struments to have a say in contracting
decisions proportional to our predomi-
nance in the community.

Staff
We appreciate the attention the decision-making in two important
University seems to have paid to the im- ways. First, as the typical college career

Kotei Aoki Tia Mansouri

Ross Barkan Mariana Martins
Shaun Bennett Leeza Menon
Andrew Bernstein Chris Mellides
J.C. Chan
Doug Cion
Whiskers T. Clown
Laura Cooper
Caroline D’Agati
Justin Meltzer
James Messina
Jamie Mignone
Steve McLinden
Chris Oliveri
Klurfeld Should Be Ashamed
Joe Donato Ben van Overmeire
Michael Felder Grace Pak
Joe Filippazzo Rob Pearsall James Klurfeld, a member of Stony almost 800 votes are given to individual ests of giant multinational companies
Amelia Fischer Andrew Pernick
Jamie Freiermuth Jon Pu Brook’s Journalism faculty, writes a col- elite party insiders. The system privi- over the majority of the population.
Ilyssa Fuchs Aamer Qureshi umn for Newsday. His latest piece is leges these elites by counting their vote Corporate trade policy threatens the en-
Rob Gilheany Nirmala Ramsaran
Joanna Goodman Kristine Renigen despicable. In the March 7 column, as worth somewhere between 7,000 and vironment, labor rights, orindary peo-
Stephanie Hayes Berta Rezik “Power rightly belongs to Democrat su- 8,000 times the value of the vote of or- ple’s standards of living, highway safety,
Marta Gyvel Dave Robin
Mo Ibrahim Joe Safdia perdelegates”, he argues against the fun- dinary Americans. This system has, ap- the sovereignty of nations and what lit-
Elizabeth Kaplan Natalie Schultz
Alexander Kahn Scott Silsbe damental promise of America: a just propriately, come under intense tle remains of American manufactur-
Olga Kaplun Rose Slupski society in which everyone has a fair say criticism. Klurfeld thinks it’s a great ing. Its implementation has been a
Jack Katsman Amberly Timperio
Rebecca Kleinhaut Lena Tumasyan in self-government. idea. failure, and opposition is widespread
Emma Kobolakis Marcel Votlucka
Bryan Lew Brian Wasser
Klurfeld focuses on the Demo- His motivation becomes clear when and growing.
Antony Lin Matt Willemain cratic presidential primary process’ he illustrates his argument with an ex- Klurfeld, and those like him, want to
Cindy Liu Kelly Yu
Cat Lund much-discussed ‘superdelegates’. For ample. The reality is that Klurfeld sup- impose the will of their selfish minority
those who haven’t been following the ports terrible and unpopular policies on America, because they cannot make
race, here’s a quick recap. The party’s that can only be imposed on America a meritorious case for their ideas. He is
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during
the academic year and twice during summer session delegates will select the Democratic when the voice of ordinary people is si- as wrong about the superdelegates as he
by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit or-
ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin- nominee for president at the convention lenced. He is in favor of corporate-en- is about NAFTA. If this is what he has
ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not
necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a in Denver. Most of the delegates, about gineered trade laws, like the infamous to teach, let’s hope his students don’t
whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect 3,200, are determined by the voters in North American Free Trade Agreement take him seriously.
editorial policy. For more information on advertising and
deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held state primaries and caucuses. However, (NAFTA), that favor the private inter-
Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. For additional
copies contact the Business Manager.
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 LettersBrook Press
The Stony
E-mail your letters to sbpress@gmail.com
Dear The Stony Brook Press,
When I graduated from Stony Brook and left the warm confines of the Union
basement and Stony Brook Press office, I had no idea of the ramifications of Stony
Brook’s exclusive contract with the Coca-Cola Corporation. Coca-Cola has been
complicit in the murder of union leaders in Colombia, as well as the torture, kid-
napping and illegal detention of hundreds of other workers since 1989. On Aug.
31, 2002, Adolfo de Jesus Munera Lopez was killed as a result of his Union ac-
tivism in association with a Coca-Cola bottling plant in Baranquilla, Colombia.
On December 5, 1996 Isidro Gil was shot by gunmen over seven times inside the
guarded, fenced in Coca-Cola plant. Coca-Cola is the new face of international
sweatshops, creating fear and violence inside and outside the workplace. Stony
Brook University needs to say no to Coca-Cola by refusing to re-contract with
Coke in 2008.
NYC Councilman Hiram Monserratte investigated Coca-Cola, and his April
2004 report cites complicity between Coke management and paramilitaries, whom
Coke uses as its mafia to intimidate, harass, torture, and kill workers and union
organizers. The report states, “To date, there have been a total of 179 major
human rights violations of Coca-Cola’s workers, including nine murders. Family
members of union activists have been abducted and tortured. Union members
have been fired for attending union meetings…Most troubling to the delegation
were the persistent allegations that paramilitary violence against workers was done
with the knowledge of, and likely under the direction of, company managers.”
Coca-Cola has also been harshly criticized for causing environmental degra-
To the Stony Brook Community,
This past weekend, Stony Brook lost two of its great alumni and two special
men, Roger L. Gill (’95) and Warren Davies (’97) in a tragic car accident. Both
men were just thirty-five years old. We have been friends, no brothers, of Roger
and Warren since during our days at Stony Brook from 1990 to the present and
while we send our condolences to both families at this time, we wanted to share
a little bit about the man we all knew as Roger and the type of husband, father, son,
friend and student athlete that the University community can be proud to call one
of its own.
Roger was recruited by some of the top track programs in America (including
UCLA & Georgia Tech), yet chose Stony Brook for its educational and athletic
opportunities. Roger was a 4 time All State high school track athlete in high
school and decided to attend Stony Brook with 4 other freshman. These fresh-
man, along with senior Jean Massilon became known as the “Stony Brook Ex-
press.” The Stony Brook Express brought forth a golden age at Stony Brook for the
men’s track and field team and this group still currently holds over 12 university
men’s track and field records, captured the ECAC track championships in 1991
(the first one ever), and has several All-Americans and Olympians. Roger grad-
uated from Stony Brook with a BA in Human Resource Management and took
graduate classes at Stony Brook.
Roger epitomizes the notion of student athlete, husband, father and a quality
person in America that we can all honor. While at Stony Brook, Roger was Stony
Brook’s first ever Freshman All-American. Roger was also one of two members
of the Express to run in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta. One of our proud-
est moments in life was seeing him and Anderson Vilien on television as they
marched in the Olympic Stadium during the opening ceremonies. It brought tears
to our eyes see our former teammates at the Olympics when knowing just two
years before we would all speak, not in jest, about how they would run in the
Olympics. That was typical Roger, setting goals and achieving them.
Roger was truly a special student athlete. We all drew strength from Roger’s
ability and desire to be the best. He was known for his ability to bring our relay
teams back from 4th or 5th place to first in a blink of an eye. We also remember
watching his performance at the Penn Relays, where he passed 6 teams, many of
which were Division I programs to lead our relay to victory. It was because of
Roger that our team continued to get better, stronger and faster. We had no fear
with our leader by our side, and Roger never showed any fear.
Clearly, if you look at the university record books, Roger is the best athlete that
Stony Brook has ever had, both pre and post the division I move. Roger not only
performed at meets, he was one of the hardest working students we knew. We all
owe part of our own track success at Stony Brook directly to Roger, who pushed
us, reminded us that we could do better and eventually let by example on the track
and in life.
Roger ran for the love of the sport. Back then, there were no athletic scholar-
ships and no additional funds for the athletic department. We even had to pur-
chase our own running shoes. But despite this, Roger ran all four years, proudly
wearing the Stony Brook jersey. He was even the last SB athlete to compete under
the old school mascot, the Patriots.
9
letters
dation. According to War on Want, an organization established to address social
injustice and poverty, Coca-Cola has “exhausted community water reserves in
India by drilling deep into underground reservoirs, drying up local wells and leav-
ing farmers unable to irrigate their crops.” They add that Coca-Cola has “conta-
minated local ecosystems in El Salvador and India through waste effluents
discharged from its plants.” War on Want published a report, “Coca-Cola: The Al-
ternative Report,” in March 2006 detailing its findings regarding Coca-Cola’s cor-
porate practices outside the United States.
Over 100 campuses across the United States have taken steps to remove Coca-
Cola or chosen to not renew exclusive contracts because of human rights, labor,
and environmental abuses and crimes by the Coca-Cola Company against union-
ists and farmers. It is deplorable that Stony Brook is considering renewing their
exclusive contract with Coca-Cola for another ten years. As an alumni, I expect
more from my alma mater and am calling on Stony Brook University to choose an-
other company who has not bought sugar harvested from child labor, turned a
blind eye towards the murders and intimidation of unionists in Colombia or ac-
tively exploited land and water, impoverishing Indian farmers.
Sincerely,
Jackie Hayes
Stony Brook Press, News Editor (2003-2004)
Stony Brook University, Class of 2004
But, there’s so much more to Roger than just his running. He and his wife are
part of the Stony Brook family. Our Stony Brook family. He fell in love and mar-
ried Annette Hicks (’96), who is also a SB alumni, and they have shared over ten
years of marriage together. During her time at SB, Annette was elected SGA vice-
president and president. To us, the Gill family reminds us of how unique our SB
experience has been to all of us. Roger and Annette have four beautiful daugh-
ters, ranging from 10 to 1 years old. And, they are expecting twins in the coming
months. This is truly a tragic event in all of our lives and for the Stony Brook
community.
We were with Roger the night of his death, and as usual he spoke of his wife,
his daughters and becoming a new father again. That night he also spoke of Stony
Brook, and discussed why it was that neither he nor any of the Express members
were in the Athletic Hall of Fame at Stony Brook. In some ways, it bothered not
only him, but all of us, and its ironic to know that during his final day, he still had
Stony Brook on his mind. He truly admired our University and lived a beautiful
life.
Given all of what the Gill family has accomplished and meant for Stony Brook,
the time is now for the University to take action and acknowledge to Roger’s fam-
ily how special Roger was to our University. Everyone of our past, current and fu-
ture students should aspire to live life as Roger did. Therefore, we are sure that the
University will join us and our friends to help Roger’s family at this time. We
hope that the University is willing to recognize Roger and Annette’s efforts in life
by providing their children with scholarships to the University, and additional
support, as we all take this time to honor one of Stony Brook’s greatest alumni.
Roger’s additional accomplishments: First Freshman All-American, 6 time All-
American, 2 time SBU Athlete of the Year, 2 time ECAC- MVP, Senior Athlete
of the Year, Milrose Games- Madison Square Garden- 1st Place- 4x400M, Guyana
National Record Holder- 4x400M, Bronze Medal CAC (Central American and
Caribbean) Games- 4x400M.
He was also involved in the following activities at Stony Brook: Polity Senator,
Vice President- Caribbean Student Organization, Gospel Choir, Faculty / Staff
Advisor- Caribbean Student Organization, Student Manager- Campus Catering,
Assistant Foodservice Manager, Part of Opening Team for the Student Activities
Center, Foodservice Director- Stony Brook Union, Humanities Café.
Roger was also a deacon at his church, Corona Seventh Day Adventist Church,
where he and his family often participated in many of the church’s activities.
With love, brotherhood, and admiration. We will always miss you Roger and
Warren.
Courtney O’Mealley, Jerry Canada, Jeremiah Ellis, Jean Massilion, Anderson
Vilien, Wayne Mattadeen
Donations to benefit Roger’s daughters and wife Annette should be payable to
the “Roger L. Gill Family Trust”. Donations should then be sent care of Jerry
Canada, Kenyon & Kenyon LLP, One Broadway, NY, NY 10004.
[The letter writer additionally included information about Gil’s funeral services.
Unofrtunately, due to the Press’ production schedule, we were unable to publish this
information in time for interest readers to participate.]
10 Letters
Dear Stony Brook Press,
Thank you for covering the important Graduate Student Employees Union
(GSEU) victory that returned over $200,000 in Presidential Fellowships to the
pockets of Stony Brook’s GSEU members. Our members are frequently ignored by
the campus media despite their tremendous efforts in teaching recitations, work-
ing in labs, grading papers and exams and working in administrative offices that
make Stony Brook work. Basically, we’re saying that you fucking rock!
Teaching Assistants and Graduate Assistants are underpaid according to Stony
Brook’s own Five Year Plan, which asserts that all TAs and GAs salaries should be
$17,550 next academic year, not the mere $15,145 that we will be earning. GSEU
Members have seen University administrators behave as stingy corporate man-
agers, attempting to unilaterally cut and eliminate promised Presidential Fellow-
ships. Teachers in the Learning Communities have seen teaching fellowships
disappear; graduate students have seen the Graduate School fail to allocate ap-
proximately $8,000 in Professional Development Funds; and teaching and grad-
uate assistants are currently working without a contract with the State of New
York. Even though graduate and undergraduate students may face different prob-
Dear GSEU,
No. You guys fucking rock.
anks for putting up with us and our stupid questions. We know you’ve your own shit to deal with, but the fact that you can take time out to help us poor Under-
grads makes you (more oen, but not always the case) more awesome than the Professors.
Love,
e Undergraduate Student Body
Correction:
I’d like to apologize to readers for misleading them.
The previous issue of The Press featured a comic I wrote, entitled “Oh Yeah, Ex-
cept For That One Time,” lampooning the blatant dishonesty of presumptive Re-
publican presidential nominee John McCain’s sanctimonious claim to have never,
in his life, favored a special interest over the public. While the thrust of the comic
is sound—given McCain’s infamous involvement with Savings and Loan scandal
figure Charles Keating it is remarkably audacious for him to characterize his po-
litical career as one of ideal service—in one significant way it is unfair.
In an attempt to dramatize the scope of the episode McCain was trying to
BIG LETTERS
sweep under the rug, I wrote that he “[took] money from and [performed] favors
for crooks who fleeced the American public—who got screwed out of over one
hundred billion dollars…” This simplification conflates two related, but distinct,
scandals. The first resulted from the inappropriate exchange of campaign money
for legislative favoritism between Senators, including McCain, and the notorious
Charles Keating. The second surrounded the larger mess resulting from the col-
lapse of the crooked savings & loan industry, with its parade of impoverished
grandmothers and obscene, incomprehensibly-scaled taxpayer bailout.
The figure of over one hundred billion dollars represents the cost incurred to
taxpayers to bail out the failed financial institutions as a group. But McCain’s im-
propriety was only linked to the most famous individual case, that of Keating’s
Lincoln Savings and Loan, the failure of which only cost the public somewhere be-
tween two and four billion dollars.
MAKE BIG TIME PLAYS
IN BIG TIME SITUATIONS
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
lems, we’re still forced to operate within the same exploitative University system.
What this means for you is this: The men and women who teach your recita-
tions, teach your labs and grade your papers, in many cases live in illegal basement
apartments and work multiple jobs just to make ends meet. They’re overworked
and underpaid, but more importantly, they’re forced to participate in a system in
which undergraduates are paying for an education where their teachers—teach-
ers who want to be wholly dedicated to their teaching—are unable to provide their
full energy and time.
Stony Brook and the SUNY system as a whole work because we (all) do. If we
stand together, we can beat back any administrative attack and the GSEU at Stony
Brook will be proud to stand with The Stony Brook Press!
In solidarity,
Stony Brook Graduate Student Employees Union/CWA1104 (Education Divi-
sion)
AKA, your underpaid Teaching Assistants, Graders, and administrative assis-
tants working to help you!
My cartoon makes two important points. McCain’s claim that “…at no point
[in more than half a century of public service] have I ever done anything that
would betray the public trust or make a decision that would in any way not be in
the public interest that would favor anyone…” is ridiculous because its falsity is a
matter of well publicized public record. That the dominant media allowed his
comment to stand unchallenged and uncontextualized in that history, leaving
young readers unfamiliar with the events of the 1980’s in the dark, betrays their
failings.
However, a casual reading of the abbreviated summary of events in the car-
toon gives readers the impression that McCain is somehow responsible for cost-
ing the taxpayers the far larger figure. That’s not fair, and I’m sorry.
Matt Willemain
Correction:
In the previous issue of The Stony Brook Press, confusion in our graphic de-
sign efforts lead to our failure to give proper attribution to one of our writers. “I
Got Some on V-Day, Suck It, Bitches”, the inaugural entry in the new column “Ad-
ventures in Euro Lesbian Land” was, of course, written by regular contributor
Ilyssa Fuchs. Regular readers may recall Ilyssa’s previous column, “Ask a Lesbian”.
Same lesbian, different continent. Our apologies to Ilyssa.
The Stony Brook Press
O p E d : I f I t ’ s Wa r t h e A s i a n s W a n t . . .
by Tommy Yu
Editor's Note: At Colorado University, a
2/18/08 opinion piece in Campus News,
the student newspaper, If it's war the
Asians want... It's war they'll get, set off
a firestorm of protest. There is a link at
the end this article online containing
I
links to all of the news coverage for those
who do not know the whole story.
used to think that people were too cau-
tious in our society, that no one would
take a joke for what it is anymore - a
joke. Why take offense to something that
clearly isn't meant to be taken seriously?
Political jokes, sexual jokes, self-deprecat-
ing jokes, ethnic jokes, I couldn’t have
cared less about political correctness when
it came to these.
How ignorant was I to believe that every-
one shared my point of view. There will al-
ways be people sensitive to any given
societal issue.
We all laugh when we see something
funny, but a good joke takes much plan-
Search Engines, Cisco, China and You
I
by David Lu
t has been almost twenty years since the
Beijing Massacre, commonly known as
“The Tiananmen Square Massacre”.
Many associate this event with the famous
photograph of “tank man”, an unknown
rebel who stood in the path to keep these
massive tanks from advancing. However,
has this event changed China at all, and
what do major internet companies have to
do with China and us?
In the years following Tiananmen Square
up until the present, China has been on the
road to a steady economic growth where
cities have out produced and brought in
much more revenue than small nations. The
Olympics being held this summer hopes to
further China’s glory and presence on the
international stage. With such growth, have
the Chinese forgiven the government, or let
Tiananmen Square fall to the wayside?
Some have, many others haven’t.
Those of the older generation remember
clearly the events of the massacre but few
dare to speak of it. In fact, the event was
meant to be self-contained but Western
journalists was able to slip it out. Therefore,
this brings us to the youth of China. When
China’s top university students were pre-
sented with a photo of Tiananmen Square
from an undercover BBC reporter, they
were baffled. They didn’t know what to
make of the photo. The students thought
that perhaps the man in front of the tank
was conducting some sort of ceremony, or
that the photo being shown to them was
simply doctored.
How could this have happened? With
many of the massacre generation alive, how
could the students not know? The answer is
that those of that generation don’t speak
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 19 N 4 Feb 2008
ning, thinking, and assembling before
cleverness can drive it home. Let it whiz
past the border of disrespect with insults
along for the ride and animosity will un-
doubtedly follow closely behind.
That is exactly what happened when Max
Karson published his borderline-hate piece,
“If It’s war the Asians want… It’s war
they’ll get.” After the recent media furor he
experienced, it’s a surprise that Karson
managed to sidestep out of an apology and
slip away, leaving those involved in bewil-
derment.
I couldn’t help but feel a little disturbed
by Karson’s piece, as it suggests that the
best solution to the mounting racial tensions
between Asians and Caucasians is for the
latter to hunt down all the Asians with
“extra-large butterfly net[s],” lock them all
up in a room, and subject them to humilia-
tion and ridicule until the “Asian spirit has
been broken.” Of course, he writes all this
under the blanket he calls satire.
But when a satirical work forsakes its
duty to provoke thought and misplaces its
emphasis on shock value - as this article
about it in fear of imprisonment and torture.
As for the schools, under government rules,
the event is not to be even mentioned.
So what about the internet? In an ever ex-
panding nation, internet access has become
more accessible to its citizens every day.
The problem therein lies with Google,
Yahoo, Microsoft, and Cisco Systems.
These companies seek to appease the Chi-
nese government in exchange for a huge
market share of users - even if it means put-
ting human rights at risk.
The way these companies appease the
Communist government is to censor them-
selves in accordance with Chinese law and
to notify the Chinese government about cer-
tain activity. Anything the government finds
anti-Communist is blocked from the web.
For example, a regular image search for
“Tiananmen Square” in the US, whether it
be under Google, Yahoo, or Microsoft’s
MSN, would return hundreds upon hun-
dreds of pages of results, many of them dis-
playing the “tank man” photo.
However, in China, only four pages re-
turn. None of which contain that photo.
Though Cisco isn’t known for search en-
gines, Cisco provides communication sys-
tems and all different high tech equipment.
In this case with China, it helps block in-
ternet websites that users try to visit, and
also provides an array of high tech gadgetry
clearly did - it ceases to become satire and
loses all credibility. Sure, it may contain
some satirical qualities, but I was forced to
sift through fourteen paragraphs of blatant
stereotypes to locate even a smidgen of wit.
But wait, this must be satire because
Jonathan Swift, a renowned satirical writer,
once wrote about eating homeless babies!
Oh, the shock that reverberated through the
homeless community! This piece must be
homage to Swift - except that Swift actu-
ally knew how to wield his Satire Sword.
He understood the victimized party would
never take offense; he realized that the poor
could not read his work, let alone acquire a
copy. Thus, he was free from repercussions.
Most importantly, however, he ended “A
Modest Proposal” with something along the
lines of: “we could eat all the babies of the
poor, or just find a way to feed and clothe
them.”
Where was Karson’s redeeming line?
Okay, I get the weak satire - racism is bad
and there are no easy resolutions. But writ-
ing an entire piece chockfull of blatantly
racist remarks and finishing with “we’re not
to police who track down offend-
ers.
But perhaps the worst of all these
companies is Yahoo. It is mostly
known for its two hugely contro-
versial cases. One involves a Chi-
nese journalist Shi Tao, who was
known for sending information
about Chinese censorship of news
to the Asia Democracy Forum.
When the Chinese government found out,
Yahoo handed over Tao's email account in-
formation as well as his IP which helped the
government track down where the message
originated. As a result he has been sen-
tenced to serve ten years in prison.
The other case also caused the victim to
receive ten years in prison. Wei Xiaoning
was an engineer by profession who
protested the one party system in China. His
method of protesting was to post electronic
journals expressing his ideas for democratic
reform. As a result, the Chinese government
found out about this and once again Yahoo
assisted. The results of both these cases
have put Yahoo under scrutiny from human
rights organizations. They label the com-
pany irresponsible and have created move-
ments for users to boycott Yahoo services,
though the effects have yet to be seen.
So what does this have to do with US?
Not too far back many of us were deeply
concerned with Google who was under
questioning to present searches from every
user in its database. It was clear that many
of us were outraged, and the same should
be applied to Google again, as well as
Yahoo, Microsoft’s MSN and Cisco Sys-
tems. Every time you look up something
through these services you are supporting
these companies in their compliance with
anti-human rights movements. There are
Weekly meetings Fridays 3:30pm at our office in Student Union 071
AA E-Zine 11
going to put you through anything we
haven’t put ourselves through” is just as
hurtful as giving a hate speech aimed solely
to perpetuate racial differences.
Given Karson’s history of bigotry (a
quick name search on Wikipedia brings up
some interesting facts), I’m not surprised he
is once again at the center of controversy.
Then again, maybe I misinterpret his
piece. Maybe Karson’s point is that if all
Asians conformed, they would be as racist
as he made himself out to be, or that they
would all fail at satire like he did. Maybe
he was just poking fun at himself. If that’s
the case, I apologize for everything I said
about his article.
So please, Asians of America, stop over-
reacting and give this badmouthing, misog-
ynistic, Cho Seung-Hui defending, racist
satirical writer a chance.
www.aaezine.org/articles/vol19/19N3OpE-
dIfsWarTheAsiansWant.shtml
————————————————
www.aaezine.org/articles/vol19/19N3
OpEdIfItsWarTheAsiansWant.shtml
many other alternatives that can be used
such as Ask.com, Altavista.com, and so on.
The Chinese people are not taking this
sitting down either. In fact every year the
numbers of demonstrations in China have
increased steadily. Perhaps there is hope
yet, and that “tank man” will live on for-
ever.
AAJ
Asian American Journal
***
2008
SUBMISSIONS
WANTED!!!
HARD COPY
PUBLISHED
EACH SEMESTER
***
ART, LIT,
SHORT STORIES, LIFE STORIES,
POETRY & PROSE
***
Check out
2006-2007
issues online at
www.aa2sbu.org/
aaezine/clubs/aaj
***
Send submissions to
aajsbu@gmail.com
12 Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

features
Inside the Features section-
The Crusdaes All Over Again? Journalism Deparmtent Plants Gun- Black History Month Closing Cere-
Page 12 man on Campus! Page 14 mony Page 15

Zealous Christian Denounces Zealous Muslim

By Joe Safdia
A millennium’s worth of religious
and cultural tension was put into harsh
words yesterday, as American Southern
Baptist Jeff Ryan criticized the view-
points and ideologies of Saudi citizen
Gabir Bin Al-Fulani.
“Gabir Ackmed Mohammed Jihad,
or whatever his name is, is just another
terrorist, just like all the other Muzzies,”
said Ryan, 47, a resident of the small
town of Briar, Alabama. “They all do
nothing all day but sit around, reading
their Koran and plotting how to destroy
America and Israel. How disgusting is
it that all these dirty terrorist Arabs
want nothing more than to come here
and kill all Americans?”
“We should get rid of all the Mus-
lims in this country, if you know what I
mean, and then just nuke all those ter-
rorists in the Middle East. That’ll solve
all our problems, I guarantee it,” added
Ryan.
Ryan, who is a construction worker
and a regular contributor to the website
FreeRepublic.com, neither regularly fol-
lows politics, nor has he ever studied
political theory in a college classroom.
But, Ryan claims, you don’t need to be
an “egghead with a degree in political
mumbo-jumbo” to see what’s really
going on in the world.
“Al-whatever-the-fuck-hates our
freedom. He hates the fact that in
America, the greatest country in the
world despite the liberals, we can say
what we want without being beheaded.
He hates that the penalty for stealing
isn’t to have your hand cut off, and that
when a woman is raped, it is the rapist
that goes to jail and not the woman,”
Ryan said of Al-Fulani. Ryan, who
learned on Bible.com that a wife should
be to submissive to her husband, finds
abhorrent the notion of women being
forced to wear burqas when outside the
home.
Al-Fulani, a 42-year-old Sunni gro-
cer in Tabuk, Saudi Arabia, said he was
“heavily offended” by the attack on his
race and religion.
“How dare that American infidel in-
sult my religion!” a furious Al-Fulani
told reporters, while preparing an IED
in a Shiite neighborhood. “Islam is a re-
ligion of peace. The Koran teaches Mus-
lims to be friendly and merciful to
People of the Book. It teaches you to fol-
low the word of the kind and merciful
Allah and to defend Islam from those
who wish to harm it, such as George
Bush and the American people.”
“That gap-toothed hillbilly Ryan,
like all Christians, is intolerant towards
my people, and that is why he and his
fellow unbelievers will be purged from
this world,” added Al-Fulani, firing an
AK-47 into the air.
Ryan expressed his shock at Al-Fu-
lani’s rebuttal, specifically at his claims
of Christian intolerance.
“Murka Durka Jihad over there is ac-
tually calling Christians intolerant!?
That camel-jockey’s worshipping his
heathen god, Allah, and walking around
with his Koran which teaches Muslims
to destroy America, and he’s calling
Christians—who worship Jesus Christ
as the one true Lord—intolerant!?”
asked an incredulous Ryan, holding a
copy of the Bible, in which Deuteron-
omy 13:6-10 commands that Christians
immediately stone to death friends or
family members who try to convince
them to worship other gods. “My Holy
Book, the Bible, which is the one true
Word of God, teaches you to love thy
neighbor, not kill them.”
“The only people Muslims are prob-
ably tolerant towards are fags, because
they’re the only ones that sin more than
the Muslims do,” added Ryan, who fre-
quently quotes John 7:24 (“Stop judging
by mere appearances, and make a right
judgment.”) Ryan continued, “I can’t
wait to spit on Al-Fulani and all his fel-
low Islamic terrorists when he’s rotting
in Hell alongside Matthew Shepard and
all the other homos.”
Al-Fulani’s response to Ryan’s verbal
attacks was almost immediate.
“One in five people worldwide are
Muslims. Dozens of nations in this
world have Muslim majorities. If Ryan
really thinks that all Muslims are ter-
rorists, then he is paranoid and is in
need of psychiatric help,” said Al-Fulani.
“We Muslims live our lives under the
guidance of Allah the Merciful. He is
the same God as the Judeo-Christian
God. Allah, who created the Earth and
all its people. Unless the Christians be-
lieve that God is evil and condones the
killing of innocents, they are hypocrites
to believe that terrorism can ever be
condoned by the Islamic faith.”
“Ryan has 24 hours to change his be-
liefs and convert to Islam, or else these
infidel Christian reporters will be be-
headed in the name of God,” added Al-
Fulani, sneering at the video camera
that was recording him as he menaced a
blindfolded reporter with a machete.
Upon hearing the verbal exchange
between Ryan and Al-Fulani, 87% of
the world’s population immediately de-
clared themselves to be atheists.

The South Side is Sinking

ings on the South Side of campus have tentially move a new (and mildly ex-
By Alex H. Nagler been coming in for over the past pensive) TV that had been purchased
twenty-four hours, and they’re very, by the Hall Council of the building, but
very wet. The first floors of many West the Residence Hall Director nixed that
Friday night was a wet night on buildings were covered by nearly an idea for safety concerns, sending all
campus. A freak rainstorm settled itself inch and a present par-
over Stony Brook and unleashed a del- half of water. ties back to
uge of moisture onto the ground, a tor- Basements of their rooms
rent of angry rain washing away Kelley and and in-
whatever sins the residents of Tabler, Roosevelt structing
Kelley, Roosevelt, and West Apartments were flooded. them not to
had committed. It also washed away a Mean- go down to
Some was dumb enough to be shoeless.
good portion of the ground and the while, over in the base- Tia Mansouri

basements of the buildings. Tabler Quad, ment.

Reports of the majority of the build- the residents Students
of one build- were per- gusting. I wonder what would happen if
ing realized plexed by I opened this door?”
that their the rising Upon opening the door, more water
quad was the tide, coming poured in. “Oops” said Derek, who was
New Orleans down in promptly called retarded by the author
of the cam- snow boots of this article.
pus. Built in a and galoshes Tabler Quad is the New Orleans of
bowl, the to wade campus. A quad full of music, drink,
basements of through the and culture, but one big storm away
from being underwater. I don’t want to
highly sus- The water was brown. Weʼre not kidding.
buildings are Tia Mansouri flood, mer-
rily jumping be there when that big storm comes and
pect to flood- about and the levee breaks.
ing. Toscanini College, for one, had splashing in the water. They also
nearly two inches of muddy water thought it to be more than a tad dis-
Even USG-Constitution-Hating-Senators Get Wet
Tia Mansouri flooding the basement. The RAs on gusting. “Ew,” said Derek Mordente, 19, Alex H. Nagler is if it keeps on rainin’,
duty had initially called for help to po- a resident of Toscanini. “This is dis- levee’s goin’ to break
The Stony Brook Press
Do you like Mudkips? We at The Press, just LOVE Mudkips, we do.
NSA Watches Me Prepare Satire About
the Senate’s New Wiretapping Bill
By Joe Safdia, but they knew that already
In light of Senate approval for the
expansion of President Bush’s warrant-
less surveillance program, and in antic-
ipation of a similar bill from the House,
the National Security Agency and other
government intelligence agencies have
been exercising their wiretapping au-
thority to the fullest extent. For the bet-
ter part of the last week, the intelligence
community has watched me prepare
this satire about the recently passed
Senate wiretapping bill.
“We’d been monitoring Joseph Saf-
dia for a few days when we discovered
he was writing about our activities. For
the sake of national security, we want to
make sure he’s neither revealing any
classified information that our enemies
can use against us nor swaying public
opinion too heavily against us,” NSA
Deputy Director John C. Inglis told re-
porters at a press conference this morn-
ing. “Frankly, though, we’re not
worried. He seems to be more inter-
ested in watching wrestling matches on
Youtube than writing this satire. Does-
n’t he know wrestling’s fake? And gay?”
The Senate recently passed, by a 68
to 29 vote, a bill that grants retroactive
legal immunity to private telecommu-
nications firms that assisted the gov-
ernment in monitoring phone calls and
emails of persons suspected of commu-
nicating with terrorists abroad and sus-
pected foreign terrorists within U.S.
borders. I began immediately preparing
ideas to write a fictional piece poking
fun at the bill, especially after President
George W. Bush ironically cited it as
necessary to “protect the liberties of
Americans.” Immediately, the American
intelligence community turned the full
force of its communications gathering
technology in my direction.
“We had been wiretapping his
phone, reading his emails, monitoring
his Internet searches, and tracking his
movements ever since he began prepar-
ing this satire,” said one analyst (on the
condition of anonymity as he was not
authorized to discuss the investigation.)
“We felt it was important for national
security to know what Mr. Safdia was
writing so we could do immediate dam-
age control. Well, we’re still waiting on
that. So far, we’ve seen his Myspace page
about a thousand times, the most ran-
dom and senseless Google videos I’ve
ever seen, and a Gamefaqs walkthrough
for Condemned: Criminal Origins on the
X-Box 360. For us, that has nothing to
do with national security, and for him, I
don’t know what that has to do with a
satire about our wiretapping program.”
“Will you stopping staring at that
girl’s Facebook profile, Joe!? She doesn’t
like you!” he added in frustration.
What are you going to do when Bushimania goes wild on you, brother!
Thus far, the government’s invasion
of my privacy has included more than
tapping my phones and reading my
emails. Using elaborate GPS and spy
satellite technology, agents have been
tracking my exact position for days,
whether I’m at home eating dinner with
my family, working as a bank teller at
HSBC, smoking hookah with my
friends, or any other activity that can be
construed as procrastinating when I
should be writing. While the govern-
ment expressed frustration at learning
next to nothing about my article’s
comedic content, some agents claim to
have gained a valuable insight into
HSBC’s check cashing policies.
In addition to tracking my where-
abouts, the NSA has also purchased my
financial and credit card history for $6
and a promise that the House of Repre-
sentatives would pass a similar bill to
the one that the Senate passed. Despite
hope that a thorough search would un-
cover something of value, NSA analysts
have uncovered no indication of what
may be included in my satire.
“Porn, porn, porn, porn—my God!
No wonder this kid hasn’t finished yet!”
exclaimed analyst Nathan Dorowitz,
speaking to reporters through the far
stall in men’s bathroom while using his
laptop to investigate my financial his-
tory. “I’m still hopeful that we’ll find
something, perhaps a pattern or deeper
meaning to these purchases that will
give us an idea of what he’s planning to
write before he writes it.”
“I just need a few more minutes to
acquire and analyze all this raw data,” he
added. “That’s right, Daisy Marie. Take
it off. Take it all off.”
Other Bush Administration officials,
such as Secretary of Defense Robert
Gates, CIA Director Michael Hayden,
and Teddy the White House janitor,
have recently come to question the
wiretapping program’s usefulness as a
result.
“It’s long been the position of the
current Administration that warrantless
wiretapping was necessary to intercept
Features 13
E-mail The Press at
sbpress@gmail.com
communications between terrorists in
order to prevent further attacks against
America, but how useful can it be if we
can’t even find out what some wannabe
writer is planning on writing about us
before he publishes it?” asked Gates
partly to reporters, partly to himself. “I
mean, it’s been about four days since he
even wrote anything. We could have
gotten a warrant to find all the useless
information we got from Safdia.”
Earlier today, I sat down in an exclu-
sive interview with myself, who had
taken a moment out of my busy sched-
ule of searching for an mp3 of
Freezepop’s “Less Talk More Rokk” and
reading articles about the storyline of
Assassin’s Creed, and answered ques-
tions about my thoughts on the NSA’s
activities.
“They think I don’t know about
them watching me? They think that,
when I’m talking on the phone with my
grandmother, that I can’t hear them
breathing on the other side?” I asked
myself during the interview. “They
think I don’t notice them hacking my
computer and changing my desktop to
create little notes that say, ‘Will you get
on with it already?’ when I’m watching
the episodes of Heroes that I down-
loaded? Look, the NSA will have to read
it when it gets published, just like every-
one else. The more time they spend
watching me, the more time I’m going
to spend watching clips from The
Whitest Kids U Know.”
“Boy, you’d think the U.S. govern-
ment would have better things to do,
like catching terrorists, rather than
sticking their nose into people’s per-
sonal business,” I added. “Pretty soon,
they’ll be telling me who I can and can’t
marry, telling me what type of porn is
too indecent for me look at, bitching
about any videogame that has blood in
it, and going apeshit on baseball players
qho take steroids. Nah–even our gov-
ernment has better things to do than
that.”
14 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Beverage For Thought
Did you know that Coca-Cola advertised with the Nazi press? Yeah, they totally supported Nazis. There are Coke ads on old Hitler Youth
brochures.

Howie Get Your Gun

By Katie Knowlton
Two weeks ago, an alert was sent all
over campus that there was an armed
gunman on the academic mall. A cou-
ple of hours after the alert was sent, the
area was declared all clear by University
and Suffolk County police.
Rumors have run rampant since that
time. Many have tried to figure out who
the gunman was, where he went, and
whether or not he was actually carrying
a gun. What is known, however, is that
the news media was deployed at the first
sign of trouble, including the Journal-
ism Department here at Stony Brook.
Investigations regarding the matter
have, for all intents and purposes,
stopped. But new evidence has emerged
that suggests the Journalism Depart-
ment itself was behind the alleged gun-
man.
The source, a former reporter for
Newsday, said, “This whole ordeal was
actually concocted by the School of
Journalism. They wanted to be the first
on the scene, to be the ones the local
news outlets come running to for infor-
mation. It’s all just to boost the reputa-
tion and prestige of the program.”
The source revealed that it was actu-
ally Howie Schneider, the Dean of the
“Very easy to hide, and I guess you
could make it look like a weapon. He
did.”
arrived on the scene.
The source wished to remain anony-
mous for fear that he might lose his job.
their jobs are at risk as well.
“Most of the staff in the department
comes from, or has at least worked for,
Newsday,” he said. “Like me, they fear
for their jobs here, and seriously, no one
wants to work there again.”
According to the source, planning
for this event was held in the Newsroom
of the Future, a facility in Melville Li-
brary that bears absolutely no resem-
blance to a glorified SINC site, with
TV’s playing lagging internet feeds. No,
sir.
The planning meetings were held in
this room because no one is ever actu-
ally in there. “Think about it, how often
do you actually see people in the News-
room of the Future?” the source asked.
For confirmation of this statement,
several students were asked how often
they see classes inside the Newsroom of
the Future.
“I think I’ve seen people in there
once or twice, and I think one class, but
most of the time it’s empty,” said Allison
Felty, a 21-year-old major in basket
weaving.
Many other students echoed this
sentiment, saying they rarely saw peo-
ple in the Newsroom of the Future.
“Wait a minute, they actually hold
classes in there? I thought it was just an-
other SINC site,” said Greg Moore, a
physics major.

“Say cheese and die motherfucker!”

School of Journalism (wearing a pair of
stilts, an extremely baggy black coat,
and a black hat obscuring his face), who
was the alleged gunman. The tattoo re-
ported to be between the index finger
and thumb of the suspect was actually
part of a “Red Hot” temporary tattoo.
“The ‘gun’ the greeter saw? Yeah,
that was a super secret, discreet re-
porter’s notebook,” said the source.
Also, the source said that Schneider
is surprisingly nimble on a pair of stilts,
and that he did not run to Harriman
Hall, but back to the Newsroom of the
Future to make sure that the journalism
students were dispatched as quickly as
possible, before the local news outlets
“If I lose my gig here, then it’s back to
Newsday, and I do not want to have to
work for that crap paper again,” he said.
No other confirmation of this infor-
mation has been attained, but the
anonymous source says that since most
of the department was in on the plan,
When told this during a follow up
interview, the source had this to say:
“Yup. It is, just don’t let anyone know-
it’ll drive kids away from the program,
then god only knows what the depart-
ment will do next.”
This reporter likes saying “Newsroom of
the Future” because it sounds funny.

Campus Perps 2: Too Many Perps On Campus

Lou Little walked fast and got to the place where was the pizza criminal was. Lou Little was worryed becaus his brother doug Little was kidnaped and Lou Little did
not kno where he was.

“I will find my brother Doug Little and fight the pizza criminal and Doug Little will be happy” Lou Little said out loud.

Lou Little got on his mortorcycle and zoomed off the SAC and landed in the academic mall and kept going to the place where the criminal was. He saw a wepon
under a tree and wet to pick it up. Lou Little tested the wepon by fireing it at nearby bush and the bush went BOOM. “I am ready now and this wepon makes me
ready to fight the pizza criminal and save Doug Litte” Lou Little said.

Lou Little flipped onto his motorsycle fast and rode fast to where Doug Little was. Lou Little got a call on his telephone and it was the pizza criminal “I have your
brother Doug Little and you will not find me Lou Little haha” said the criminal. Lou Litlte said “You will not laugh at me!” and heard Doug Little in the back calling
for help so he drove fast.

Lou Little found the pizza criminal and said “I have found you pizza criminal give me the pizza and Doug Little and I will not have to shoot your head” and ran fast
towards the criminal. The criminal said “I have wepon and I will shoot you head first” and wet to pull out wepon but he did not have any wepon. “Haha you have no
wepon” said Lou Little to the pizza criminal and he shot the pizza criminal and the pizza criminal died.

Lou Little said to Doug Little “I am here bro and you are saved” But Doug Little said “You got here to late and now I am angry and am a criminal to!” And Lou Little
siad “Oh yeah” and did something special… to be continued?...
The Stony Brook Press
“Ittity bittity baby, ittity bittity boat, I don’t believe it, HABEEB IT, twinkie house.” –/b
The Purrr-fect Crime?
By Andrew Jacob
Amidst the hubbub of an alleged
gunman on campus, the police have yet
to cover an even more important crime
problem on this fair campus. I am, of
course, speaking of the rampant van-
dalism that occurs everyday in almost
every building across Stony Brook. Pic-
tures of cats, chimps and other animals
that represent a universal sign of free-
Remember the Past, Move on to the Future
By Najib Aminy
Remember the past, and use it to
move on through the future. This was
the general message of the Black His-
tory Month closing ceremony. On Feb-
ruary 29th, students and faculty
congregated in SAC Ballroom A to
commemorate the ending of Black His-
tory Month.
The night began with the Black Na-
tional Anthem, a poem written by
James Weldon Johnson in 1900. The
song is symbolic of the strife and hope
blacks have gone through in American
history. Following the anthem was an
introduction given by Cheryl Cham-
bers, co-chair of the Black History
Month, who emphasized the necessity
of looking into the past in order to
move on to the future. Chambers also
shed light upon the Sankofa, the sym-
bol of the whole month. Sankofa origi-
nates from Ghana, and is interpreted as
“to return and get it,” which strength-
ened Chambers’ idea about the past.
The symbol of sankofa is a bird looking
at an egg- the egg represents the past,
and the bird represents the future.
Following Chamber’s introduction,
the Stony Brook Gospel Choir took the
stage and performed a historical song,”
Take Me Back.” The significance of the
song lies in the roots of its meaning
back in slavery times. With the per-
formances, much of the night incorpo-
rated the past with the present, thus
reinforcing the sankofa.
Dr. Floris Cash, from the depart-
ment of African Studies at Stony Brook,
inspired students to change. “Changes
in the way many blacks here in America
are waiting for the next leader to step up
and pave the path,” Cash said. Cash
went on to say that rather then waiting,
it is imperative for the youth of today to
take the initiative and lead. Cash left the
stage with the message of reminding
those in attendance that blacks in
dom are being stamped in halls, bath-
rooms, classrooms and even laborato-
ries.
Police have very little information
on the perpetrator. Officer Paddy
O’Chaere suspects that due to the re-
curring theme of the vandalism, the
criminal is only one (or a few) people.
“Chances are that he is a sophomore,
probably a biology major, with a possi-
ble minor in physical anthropology as
well.” O’Chaere said. “He has eluded the
police for months now, truly he must be
America are “not where we used to be,
and not where we need to be.”
Dr. Cash was proud of the nearly
fifty events that took place this year to
celebrate black history as she said it was
a wonderful culmination. She explained
how the Black History Month used to
be Black History Week. To negate Chris
Rock’s bit about how blacks were given
the shortest and coldest month to cele-
brate their history, Carnegie Woodson
established the week to commemorate
both Frederick Douglass’ and Abraham
Lincoln’s birthdays. The week was then
later expanded to a month after much
protest.
The theme of this year’s celebration
was focused on human rights and social
justice, lessons from the past, and chal-
No, this is not where babies come from.
lenges of the future. Cash said that it is
just as important to tackle not only local
issues, whether in this nation or in our
community, but also global issues. Cash
said, “with this age of technology, you
don’t need to think about past history.
But a lot of people still don’t know this.
In this multi cultural society that we
have, and as people in this global soci-
ety, we need it more than ever because
of the global nature of humanity.”
The special guest of the event was
Ainsley Burrows, originally from Ja-
an intelligent, handsome criminal mas-
termind,” she continued. One has to
truly wonder how someone can escape
the long arm of the law for so long and
still roam free.
Having seen the vandal’s “art” my-
self, I can say that the criminal has good
intentions in his heart. He frequently
stamps the figure of a cat’s face, staring
off into space, perhaps at a dream far off
into the distance. Perhaps The Ameri-
can Dream, so long ago lost in this na-
tion’s history? Or perhaps the cat
maica, and now a resident of Brooklyn.
Burrows is an international surrealist
poet. Burrows shared two poems, the
first being “I Need a Baby,” a poem
about the superficialities of life, specifi-
cally with the increasing demands of so-
ciety. In the end, Burrows “needs a
baby” to deal with the reality and the
surrealism of society’s demands. The
second poem was called “I Live in
Dreams,” recollects on the past of the
struggles of blacks and connects a series
of lifetimes the universal message of
struggle.
The night came to a close with a
slideshow of a study abroad program,
where Stony Brook students went on a
trip to Ghana. Following the slideshow
was the reception. Hundreds lined up to
be served with tra-
ditional Caribbean
and African foods.
As students began
to fill their grum-
bling stomachs, the
message that was
left in the room
was of the past.
Freshman
M i c h e l l e
Mbekeani, of
Chicago, Illinois,
said it was “ a very
good event. I like
how it highlighted
each event that
h a p p e n e d
throughout the
month. I never have been part of a
school that celebrated black history to
that extent.” Mbekeani, the winner of
the Black and Gold Pageant held by the
Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity feels the
biggest problem plaguing the black
community is the lack of emphasis on
education. “It is an issue we need to
solve at the grass roots, not at high
school or college.” In addition,
Mbekeani said that blacks are their own
biggest critics often mentioning how a
person who does well in school is not
Features 15
stamps peppered around campus are
there as a way to break the monotony,
like a rhinoceros in a field of dande-
lions.
Whatever the vandal’s intention, the
police are running in circles around this
case, with no real leads in any direction.
In this student’s opinion, they should
focus all of their resources on catching
this menace to our great society.
considered black. “What does that say
about your own people? It undermines
the black community to say that you
can only be white to be smart.”
Mbekeani’s solution lies in blacks step-
ping out of the box. “I feel that if the
African American community contin-
ues to see people step outside the box,
they won’t feel uncomfortable stepping
out themselves.”
Sophomore Lamar Lawrence of the
Bronx, a member of the Caribbean Stu-
dent Organization also feelsthat it is ed-
ucation that is missing from a majority
of the black community of today. “Edu-
cation is a big key and many of black
population need to focus on the studies
a lot more.” Lawrence mentions Demo-
cratic presidential nominee Barack
Obama as being a huge inspiration for
how he has continued to overcome
strife and present himself as a positive
role model for the youth of today.
Lawrence says that the biggest problem
is blacks against blacks, in terms of crit-
icizing and preventing each other from
success. He adds that the “young are
stuck in stereotypes that they need to
get out of.”
Dr. Cash adds that the family struc-
ture needs to be strengthened by going
back to traditional values. “Having sin-
gle mothers raise their children with the
absence of a father hinders any chance
of progress,” added Cash. In addition,
Cash would like to see more dialogue in
the African American community. “We
need to bring back the idea of social ac-
tivism.” Cash continued that the stu-
dents of today are less intrigued by
holding political talks and becoming
more active, which he said is also an-
other problem. Cash also says that the
idols children look up to are not neces-
sarily the best, as sports players are
looked up to more than the individual
who graduates from Harvard.
It is through analyzing the past that
one can get through the present and the
future. Such is the case with African
Americans.
16
arts&vaginas
Loose Vagina-Talk In Focus:
Does It Threatens the Lord God?
By Bryan Lew
When Vagina Day organizer Dr.
Smita Majumdar Das introduced an au-
dience of several hundred to the play
The Vagina Monologues, I laughed for
the first and last time that night.
“We are part of a global movement
to stop violence against women all over
the world,” she said in a serious tone,
perhaps unaware of her extraneous use
of words. The Vagina Monologues, she
reiterated, “is an effort to stop violence
against women.”
The Vagina Monologues is a per-
formance based on a play by Eve Ensler.
The Stony Brook version is directed by
Natalie Cruz and is set in the modern
day in a non-descript environment.
It features a cast of about 23 ac-
tresses, all clad in black and red clothes.
The actresses call themselves
“Vagina Warriors.” Throughout the
play, they largely remain unnamed, re-
ferred to only by labels like “six year
old” or “old lady.”
The themes show the struggles and
daily routines of women and their vagi-
nas. It includes child rape, comfort
Vagina Warriors Speak
By Jack Katsman
The Vagina Monologues played in
the SAC Auditorium on the 28th and
29th of February. It was an amazing
show, but I wanted to find out what
made the Vagina warriors, the women
that performed the monologues. Why
did they decide to do this, and why did
they wan to share these stories with
other people? Four women came to
speak, two were new to the cast this
year, Queenie Mui, a sophomore, and
Khristie Connor, a junior, and two were
“Vagina Veterans,” Rachel Kalish, a
graduate student, and Linda Sookhoo, a
senior. This year was the fourth per-
formance for Rachel, the narrator this
year, and THE second year that Linda
was involved, who was stage manager
last year. She performed part of The
Vagina Workshop this year. Queenie
performed Say It, a monologue about
the Japanese comfort women, and Re-
claiming Cunt, which is fairly self ex-
planatory. Kristie performed My Angry
women, low self-esteem, the lack of fe-
male orgasm, genital mutilations, sex
therapy and even female ejaculation.
These conflicts, it seems, have been
started by men and their male-domi-
nated society. The problems were never
I sat there, clueless and dis-
gusted…I found the con-
tent of the performance to
be impious and unnerving.
solved and are ongoing as women con-
tinue to struggle for perceived libera-
tion.
The characters converse in mono-
logues. They talk to the audience in an
informal, casual tone. Sometimes they
sit cross-legged on stage, as if talking to
a friend. Other times, they sit on chairs
during their monologues, as if in a re-
laxed state.
The set is plain and simple, lit by
Vagina, a vaginic rant about things done
to vaginas in this day and age.
When asked about their rea-
sons for auditioning each gave their
own, but all of them resounded the fact
that it was to meet new people and have
a unique experience on stage, but first
and foremost was the idea of helping a
cause: the V-Day cause. V-Day, as it was
explained to me by Rachel, is an inter-
national movement to end violence
against woman and girls. This year
marked the 10th anniversary of V-Day,
which was started by Eve Ensler, the au-
thor/compiler/original cast of The
Vagina Monologues, which V-Day ex-
panded from. All performances of The
Vagina Monologues are done to raise
money for the V-Day Organization, and
also local organizations. This year part
of the proceeds went to the Wo/Men’s
Gender Resource Center, as well as the
Victims Information Bureau of Suffolk
County.
All of the women said that perform-
ing has changed them for the better.
Being more comfortable about talking
about their vagina’s was something that
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
standard white lights and populated
only by four microphones, several
chairs, and two boards draped in red
cloth.
The show is non-traditional; there is
no progressive plot or clear protagonist
or antagonist. However, one
could argue that the ac-
tresses and their vaginas
serve as the protagonists.
The actresses’ perceived dif-
ficulties, such as the spouse
who would only settle for a
shaved vagina or the Japan-
ese soldiers who raped
women, serve as the antago-
nists.
The performance was
divided into about fifteen
non-progressive skits, each
of which included monologues that
lasted for about five minutes.
The skits – which I think lacked pro-
priety and decency – used vagina slang
terms like “cunt” or “pussy.” One scene
even featured statutory rape, describing
an instance when a young girl had sex
with an adult woman.
The monologues featured what I
found to be dull, dry humor.
An actress, distraught about her
was said over and over. They started
discussing things with their friends that
they wouldn’t have talked about before.
Their involvement has given them per-
spective and allowed them to see how
different women can come together and
alter their lives for something impor-
tant. They expressed only good things
about being in the monologues, and
spoke positively of the reaction of
everyone and their experiences from it.
Kristie, in her performance of My
Angry Vagina, ranted about things
ranging from tampons, pads, or sani-
tary napkins if you prefer, to a trip to the
gynecologist. To quote the monologue,
“Like tampons — what the hell is that?
A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up
there. ... As soon as my vagina sees it, it
goes into shock.” She spoke about see-
ing the audiences reaction to her mono-
logue and being laughed at because
people finally see someone coming out
and saying it right there out in the open,
“My Vagina is Angry!”
The girls were asked if they felt that
all vaginas were represented, or at least,
the vaginas on campus were repre-
shaved vagina, called pubic hair, “the
lawn around the house.”
“You have to love the hair,” she
added.
The audience, brimming with the
cast’s friends, families, and yes-men,
erupted in laughter.
I sat there, clueless and disgusted.
Other monologues included “The
Flood,” in which one character became
exceptionally scared of becoming sexu-
ally aroused, for fear of vaginal dis-
charge or female ejaculation.
“Because He Liked to Look At It”
was a monologue about a woman telling
of her sexual partner’s mad desire to
thoroughly examine her vagina.
“The Women Who Loved To Make
Vaginas Happy” featured a character
playing a sort of vaginal sex therapist
who, along with three other characters,
showed the audience a variety of sex
moans.
I found the content of the perform-
ance to be impious and unnerving. I
found the show’s sexually-charged and
promiscuous nature counter-intuitive to
moral and religious values across the
board.
Personally, I would not recommend
that anyone watch this show.
sented, and all the girls thought that the
monologues were fairly representative
of women, and their vaginas. Rachel
gave a very diplomatic answer as she re-
minded me that Eve Ensler interviewed
200 women for these monologues and
that her goal was to represent all
women. Lastly, I asked what they have
to share with the campus; their final
word, so to speak. Rachel said that
doing the Vagina Monologues was a
“wonderful experience,” and if anyone
missed out, they should look for it next
year. Kristie said, that she wasn’t sure if
she wanted to audition, but did, and it
was a great experience She added that
it’s for a really important cause, so, if
you want to audition, don’t hold back
do it.
Queenie’s final word was “Don’t sup-
press yourself.” If you want to have
something said, say it. Don’t hold it back
because no ones listening. Linda gave
her opinion of her experience and about
the diversity within the program. She
also said that she was “inspired to be a
lifetime Vagina Warrior.”
The Stony Brook Press
“Matt has a fat cock” –James Klurfeld
Why Use a Gun When You Have Semi-Automatic
By Katie Knowlton
Vagina Warriors of all sorts gathered
February 28 and 29 to partake in a pro-
duction of Eve Ensler’s Vagina Mono-
logues in the SAC Auditorium. The
play, put on by the Wo/Men’s and Gen-
der Resource Center, was for V-Day, a
movement to end violence against
women and girls. The proceeds from
this production went to the Victims In-
formation Bureau of Suffolk, the
WGRC, and V-Day.org.
The play is a celebration of women
and their vaginas, an attempt to reclaim
them as something beautiful, rather
than something dirty that must not be
spoken of. And, for the most part, this
was achieved by the cast of students and
faculty.
The group of actresses seemed to
fare much better with the upbeat, fun-
nier monologues. “My Angry Vagina” is
a perfect example. A woman, ranting
about what she sees as injustices against
her vagina (tampons, douches, and in-
struments used in gynecological
exams), drew some of the biggest audi-
ence reactions. Nearly everyone in the
audience was laughing, either from the
monologues truth, its delivery, or a
number of other reasons.
Another monologue inspired a huge
audience response, although this time it
was in the form of the word “cunt.” The
piece, entitled simply “CUNT,” asks the
audience to reclaim the word cunt, not
as the insult or derogatory term it is
mainly seen as today, but as a positive
word, a synonym, for vagina. This
monologue culminated in the four
Tartuffe–A Groping Good Time!
By Tia Mansouri
Not long ago I had the pleasure
Of seeing SBU’s production of Tartuffe
The show was superb by any measure
Quite worthy of this rhyming spoof
Their take on Molière was modern yet refined
Thanks to Richard Wilbur’s clever translation
Yet, Deborah Mayo’s directing comes to mind
Deserving credit for this splendid presentation
A clear fan-favorite was the maid, Dorine
Who without Katie Burke’s saucy execution
Could not have been nearly as pristine
And humorous in her contribution
women (one for each letter in the word)
encouraging the audience to shout
“cunt” along with them. Many were hes-
itant at first, but within thirty seconds,
almost everyone was shouting it right
along with the actresses.
Probably the best part of the pro-
duction, though, was Regine Roy, the
actress who portrayed a six-year old girl
and gave the audience various vagina
facts between some of the pieces. Did
you know that the clitoris is twice as
Tartuffe himself was nefarious and raging
Dan O’Reilly deserves much praise
As the title character, he was engaging
Setting the well-designed stage ablaze
The set’s cool colors and earth tones were perhaps meant
To let the costumes and characters shine through
But were the set walls falling over done with intent?
(Those, too, were a nice greenish-blue)
Catherine Beckowski, the dramaturg, stated
A classic bridges present and past
This play remained poignant and updated
It was hard not to feel the passion of the cast
Arts & Entertainment 17
sensitive as the penis? Again “who
needs a handgun when you’ve got a
semi-automatic?” She was an amazing
actress and gave incredible life to the
small parts she had.
High points such as those were
brought down by odd directorial
choices and some sub-par acting, espe-
cially when the more serious mono-
logues were performed. Several of the
monologues were split between two ac-
tresses, when traditionally one person
recites them. The idea behind this was
good in theory, but in practice it only
led to awkward transitions and confu-
sion for the audience. It also appeared
as though some did not know their lines
fully, but this is a bit more forgivable as
many of the performers, at least judging
by their bios in the program, are not
theatre majors or professional actresses.
Also, many of the serious mono-
logues had stiff acting, which did not
seem intentional. This play is meant to
be a powerful work, but much of the
power was lost behind stiff line readings
and movements on stage. During “The
Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas
Happy” four actresses demonstrated
several types of moans and orgasms, but
they appeared to be self-conscious, or at
the very least, not trying very hard. Un-
derstandably, it is difficult to pretend to
have an orgasm in front of an audience,
but the performers knew what they
were getting into, so it was surprising
how lackluster they were.
Overall, the Vagina Monologues, was
enjoyable, informational, and, most of
all, empowering. This play is meant to
be a celebration of women, and its per-
formance was just that.
18 I-CON Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
The Stony Brook Press I-CON 19
20 Arts & Entertainment
Brawny Man on Fashion
By Matt Braunstein
I am a firm believer in the concept
of freedom and free choice. I think that
as long as people aren’t hurting anyone
else, they should be able to do or say
whatever the fuck they want behind
closed doors. Notice that I say behind
closed doors, because there are a few
things that I find so nauseating, revolt-
ing, and obscene that for the good of all
men, women, and children they must
cast away from the zeitgeist. They must
be confined to a sub culture; a dark,
dank basement in the underbelly of civ-
ilized society. This includes things like
child pornography, sexual torture,
Evangelical Christians, and movies with
Renee Zellwegger.
I’m adding something new to the list
and its way overdue. Fashion, the fash-
ion industry, and fashion “experts”
should now be shunned by the masses,
and it’s about goddamn time too. Any-
body who has watched the Oscars Red
Carpet Analysis on the E! Channel or
has seen an episode of America’s Next
Top Model knows what I’m talking
about. Is there a more vomit inducing
aspect of our culture than fashion? The
only other place where someone can
find as much dishonesty, insincerity, ar-
rogance, stupidity, vanity, and self-wor-
ship is on Capitol Hill.
The number one fallacy that I find
with the fashion industry is that it tries
to gauge beauty as if it were one unit of
measurement. There is always some
asshole fashion expert telling us what is
beautiful and what isn’t. They’ll say, “Oh
my goodness, look at this man’s suit! It
is just hideous! Who is he trying to
kid?” or, “She looks just glamorous in
that outfit! It’s elegant, yet simple. It’s
loud, yet subtle. Her dress just screams
SEXY!” What the fuck are these people
saying?!
I always thought beauty was in the
eye of the beholder, that it was a matter
of personal taste and everybody had
different opinions of what is beautiful
and what isn’t. Some people think sun-
sets and paintings are beautiful to look
at while serial killer Ed Gein thought
decorating his home with parts of ex-
humed corpses and the creation of arti-
cles of clothing and furniture from their
skin added a nice touch to his feng shui.
I’m sure we all know somebody who in-
sists that their significant other is “beau-
tiful”, even though we find them
repulsive and lose our appetites in their
presence. What I’m saying is that fash-
ion, or the idea of what is fashionable,
is completely a matter of individual
taste and opinion, so why try to publicly
prescribe something that is so diverse
and personal?
So I guess what these fashion “ex-
perts” really mean to say is that her
dress is “popular” or his suit is “not pop-
ular.” I mean, that’s what their real ob-
jective is, to show us what styles are “in”
and “out” of popularity. Her purse is
“in”; his tie is “out”. His shoes are “in”,
her earrings are “out”. In, out, in, out, in,
out. It all sounds like one big mind fuck
Fashion is for people like this.
to me. It’s funny that the “experts”
telling us what is popular all look like
social outcasts themselves. Do these
people ever accidentally walk by a mir-
ror and see themselves? They probably
go out of their way to avoid reflective
surfaces and you can’t blame them.
Most of these “experts” have had
more work done on them than an ’86
Chevy pickup. I wouldn’t be surprised
if 90% of all plastic surgeries performed
in America are done on people from the
fashion industry. Joan Rivers is leg-
endary for having a face that looks like
cellophane kitchen wrap, but she’s just
the tip of the iceberg. For an industry
that is so obsessed with external image,
it’s a bit sad that their spokespeople all
hate the way they look.
Does anybody else notice that these
“experts” in fashion all dress like color-
blind retards. At least when some ana-
lyst on ESPN breaks down game tape,
he’s usually an ex-player, so one assumes
that he has experience and knowledge
relevant to the game that he is com-
menting on. If you’re evaluating a movie
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
star’s tuxedo and are a man dressed in
women’s clothing and you have a dead
peacock tied around your neck (Its true
people I’ve seen it before), how the fuck
is anybody in their right mind supposed
to take you seriously?
And what is with the gayness? Every
fashion “expert” on television is a fe-
male, a faggot, or a fusion of both. Don’t
get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing
against homosexuals, i.e. men who are
sexually attracted to other men and act
on those feelings. I have gay friends and
in no way am I a homophobe. But there
is a clear difference between your aver-
age gay man and the exaggerated, limp-
wristed, screaming fashion faggots on
TV. You know, the type that calls every-
body “honey” and always yells annoy-
ing shit like, “Fabbbbbuulous!”
Am I to believe that no heterosexual
man has any kind of knowledge or “ex-
pertise” pertaining to fashion? Do really
gay guys have a secret school like Hog-
warts where they go away and learn the
dark arts of fashion critique? You’d
think these pee brains would realize
that more dudes wouldn’t be turned off
by fashion if they could recognize one
of their own in the mix. Sadly, simple
logic evades the pricks.
Finally, the reason I’ve been putting
quotation marks on the word expert or
expertise throughout this biting social
commentary is because the people we
have anointed as fashionistas, who we
hold responsible for dissecting the
world of fashion for us, are completely
unqualified and undeserving of our re-
spect. As I said before, beauty is a mat-
ter of personal bias and anyone who
knows fashion will tell you that it’s al-
ways changing and adapting to differ-
ent trends and consumers around the
world.
If this is true then there is no way
you could ever have an expert in a field
with such little emphasis on consistency
or concrete guidelines. If some chick
says that a new dress or style of wearing
your shirt is “in”, then it’s only a matter
of time before she’s proved wrong and
something new is “in”. Just the act of her
telling you that a starlet’s dress looked
fabulous is bullshit, because that’s just
her opinion and no one is an expert for
expressing their opinion. I guess that
writing this article and expressing my
disgust and hatred for fashion would
make me an expert too.
They know this, the fashion “ex-
perts,” I mean. They too understand
that they are nothing more than wealthy
socialites who happen to be on a first
name basis with famous people and
models. But they don’t want you to
know that they know they’re all full of
steaming bullshit, so instead they make
up equally steamy bullshit to justify
their position as an authority on fash-
ion. On the television series America’s
Next Top Model, model hopefuls are
constantly evaluated by specialists in
the modeling and fashion disciplines.
They are constantly told, “The world of
fashion is unforgiving! You need to rise
above the pressures and hardships that
are violently thrust upon you! You need
to have FLARE! You need to be
FIERCE!”
Flare and Fierceness. These are not
qualities applicable to the real world.
You’re not going to sit down at a job in-
terview and say, “You should hire me to
manage your company’s network secu-
rity because I’m FIERCE!” You’ll never
hear the conversation, “Say Bob, why do
we always order from Gino’s Pizza?”
“Gee Fred, because the Gino’s delivery
guy has FLARE!” These words are
meaningless and general and can be
used to describe anything. If these spe-
cialists were honest they would tell the
skinny little model, “listen bitch, you
just have to look good in front of a cam-
era. Can you walk around and be at-
tractive? Good, you’re hired.”
So how are we to deal with this nau-
seating cultural parasite known as fash-
ion? I have a very simple solution. Go
to the headquarters of every fashion
magazine, TV channel, or runway and
drag every last one of these “experts”
into the street in broad daylight. Then
shoot them. Problem solved.
The Stony Brook Press
I’ve Been Sodomized 4
Studio: Red Light District
Director: Mark Wood
Cast: Ashley Blue, Audrey Elson,
Hannah West, Jennifer Dark, John
Strong, Mark Wood, Marsha Lord, Mr.
Pete, Steven French
Genre(s): Anal, Cumshots, Straight
Condoms: No
I’ve Been Sodomized 4 has just
about everything you’ve come to ex-
pect from a stellar anal film. This
fourth installment in the popular Red
Light series boasts five incredibly at-
tractive girls with a love for arching
their backs and getting their tight holes
stuffed for the camera. I’ve Been
Sodomized certainly lives up to its
name and will not disappoint those
looking for hot backdoor action.
There’s an irresistibly entertaining
plot device found here where every
scene is shot in a doctor’s office. While
there’s a bit of a set-up before each
scene, this pre-game plot is anything
but boring and ensures a chuckle or
two before the film’s stars get down and
dirty.
Shag Manila’s Philippine Teen 2
Studio: Sin City Teen
Director: Shag Manila
Cast: Amanda, Georgie, Kathy,
Maryanne, Rochelle, Vena
Genre(s): Amateurs, Asian, One-
on-one, Straight
Condoms: Yes
Amateur porn certainly has its ups
and downs. When observing this
genre, the viewer is usually treated to
the sight of the everyday girl who per-
forms just as naturally on camera as
she would in her private life. Generally
speaking, it’s this element that usually
adds to a film’s overall appeal. As you
may have guessed, because of the level
of uncertainty that goes with any ama-
teur performance, things can quickly
take a disappointing turn for the
worse. The latter is definitely the case
with Shag Manila’s Philippine Teen 2, a
film that was shot on location in the
Philippine Islands.
The action on this DVD is fairly
bland and in almost every scene the in-
experience possessed by the featured
In the first vignette, Mark Wood as-
sumes the role of doctor and Jennifer
Dark serves as his very naughty pa-
tient. After she tells Dr. Wood that she’s
suffering from a sore throat, the doc
begins probing her ass, assuring the ex-
otic starlet that all of life’s medical
complications stem from the asshole.
Priceless! After a while, Wood con-
vinces Dark that he’ll need to get a
closer look down her throat and does
so by lodging his dick firmly in her
mouth. This scene was amazing and
Dark clearly enjoyed every minute of
it. At the end of the vignette, Wood
pops one off in our starlet’s mouth and
instructs her to swallow, thus ridding
his patient of her itchy throat.
While sprawled out on an examin-
ing table, the irresistibly cute Ashley
Blue complains that she’s been having
problems in the bedroom and that she
just can’t seem to engage in anal inter-
course “correctly.” This particular plot-
line was a little weak as I’m sure you’ve
noticed but who gives a crap, really?
What’s more important is the amazing
action found in this little scene. Blue’s
score of starlets is clearly evident. At
times I was almost convinced that
these girls have had zero experience in
the bedroom, which spurred several
awkward moments and a lot of odd
staring into the camera lens.
The first scene features the busty
Maryanne. She and her partner imme-
diately fly through a long list of posi-
tions before Maryanne receives a hot
load of cum all over her tits and neck.
What killed this performance was the
starlet’s inability to display even the
slightest bit of emotion. The whole
time she’s getting fucked she’s com-
pletely stone-faced and doesn’t make a
peep. This only strengthened the no-
tion that she simply wasn’t enjoying
herself and felt incredibly awkward
being filmed.
Next we have Vena, who when pre-
sented with a penis decides to stare at it
perplexed, as if it were the world’s
toughest math problem. After a be-
grudging blowjob and some mission-
ary, she too receives a pop shot on her
chest while angling her head back-
Arts & Entertainment 21
toe-curling orgasms were hot and turns plowing her every orifice.
completely believable and what’s more, The scenes on I’ve Been Sodomized
her preference of being on top makes are all nicely edited and Mark Wood
for a delightful view. After wildly rid- does a great job directing the flick. If
ing Dr. John Strong she receives a you’re into watching gorgeous women
mouth full of cum, along with a clean taking it in the ass, then this DVD is
bill of health, I’m sure. well worth your money and immedi-
Next, Audrey Elson plays Wood’s ate attention.
private nurse who’s having trouble
reading the clinic’s rectal thermome-
ters. Thankfully for her, Doc Wood is
able to show her a thing or two and
puts Elson’s mind at ease after engag-
ing her in some mind-blowing sex. In
the next scene, Marsha Lord plays doc-
tor and cures Mr. Pete of his ailments
by remedying him with fellatio and
plenty of sloppy anal fucking.
Closing the show is the perky Han-
nah West who reminds us why she ap-
pears on the DVD’s front cover. This
19-year-old honey stars opposite Mark
Wood and Steven French who play
doctors willing to absolve West of her
stomach problems. These two prac-
tioners are anything but professional
and when they’re not tonguing our
starlet’s asshole they’re seen taking
wards to make sure that her leading during the sex scenes and his choice of
man’s cum doesn’t reach her face. a horrible looping acoustic number in
Meanwhile, the mug of our third girl, the film’s opening menu really helped
Kathy, is seen adorned with moles and, to downgrade the film’s overall value
together with her lack of enthusiasm, and appeal.
is definitely worth skipping over.
The last scenes featuring Rochelle
and Amanda serve as the film’s only re-
deeming elements. Both of these girls
are incredibly attractive, endowed with
large natural breasts and the charac-
teristics needed to warrant careers in
mainstream porn. Rochelle is first in-
terviewed with a handi-cam and ad-
mits to being an 18-year-old college
student before her pussy is thoroughly
explored by her eager partner.
Amanda’s performance showcases her
love for dick gobbling and after a little
doggie and cowgirl screwing she will-
ingly accepts a facial cumshot, the only
one in the film, I might add.
Despite the two killer scenes found
towards the end of the presentation,
Philippine Teen was a below-average
film with more flaws than perks. The
director’s inclusion of elevator music
22 Arts & Entertainment
Through the Looking
Glass of Shit
LOST: Via Domus is the new game
for Xbox 360, PS3, and PC based on
the ABC TV series. The first thing I
will say is that if you’ve never watched
LOST, you can take this opportunity to
think about what you’ll do with that
money you save by not buying or even
renting this game. You can also think
about what to do for the 3-7 hours
you’ll have not playing this game, or
the 5 minutes you may have spent
reading this. Seriously, move on–this
game isn’t for you.
In Via Domus, you take
control of a new character,
a man suffering amnesia
and premature graying who
was on Oceanic 815 with
the rest of the survivors.
Right from the start, we
have the most canned plot-
line in the history of story
telling. Luckily, the plot im-
proves as you learn more,
but the first twenty minutes
or so will most likely turn
off anyone who isn’t suffer-
ing buyer’s remorse.
The lack of genuine
voice actors for many of the
characters makes for some
unfortunately hilarious
lines. Michael exclaiming,
“WALT!” while staring life-
lessly into the distance with
creepy bug eyes is as much
unnerving as it is tear-en-
ducing-ly funny. Fortu-
nately, the characters who are most
pivotal to the story either have compe-
tent stand-ins or are voiced by the real
deal. That is, all but John Locke, who
sounds like an Indian chief trying to
sell used cars (“Brand spankin’ new!”).
Even if you are a diehard LOST fan
who engraves cryptic messages in your
pencils and backs out of the driveway
at a bearing of 325, you’re probably
going to take issue at some of the lib-
erties this game takes. It never explic-
itly contradicts the source material,
but when the writers of the show tell
us it’s not canonical, the whole experi-
ence comes off as a multi-million dol-
lar piece of fan fiction. It’s really too
bad, because I have to say I liked most
of the story, including the well timed
ending that coincided with the episode
which aired the same week.
A good story with some entertain-
ing twists is great, but ultimately this
is a game. That’s where things go ter-
ribly, terribly wrong. Besides a few
completely nonsensical fuse-box puz-
zles reminiscent of the hacking puzzles
in last year’s Bioshock, LOST’s game-
play relies on frustrating trial and
error. Apparently, the developers felt
it would be clever to include several
timed 15-20 second sequences where
if you don’t take a picture at just the
right time it would loop endlessly until
you got it. From what bargain bin did
this professional photo-journalist get
a camera that can’t even auto-focus?
The fun continues when you feel
around in the dark for bottomless pits
or get jumped in the randomly-timed
smoke monster insta-kills. It gets bet-
ter, though, as I simply must share one
of the most absurd logic puzzles of all
time. It’s not quite as bad as catching
cat hairs to make a moustache, but it’s
a good reminder of why the adventure
game genre is all but dead. I shall
change the names of the characters to
avoid spoiling anything.
At one point, two ninjas have kid-
napped the president and his daughter
and have taken them aboard a pirate
ship. As the bad dude, I had to stop
them with the pistol I’d fired about
three times in the entire game. My
GLASS OF SHIT on next page
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Bargain Bin Tentacle
Monster Sim 2007
The Darkness for Xbox 360 is a
mediocre game pretending to be an ex-
cellent one. Despite the fact that I’m
completely aware of this, I still can’t de-
cide which side I land on. It’s kind of
like how George Bush is so obviously
a bad guy, and yet, he gets by well
enough on some sort of dopey charm.
The Darkness was developed by Star-
breeze, creators of the best thing Vin
Diesel ever starred in: Chronicles of
Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay for
the original Xbox. There are some
similarities to be found here: the con-
crete-to-everything-else ratio is still
10:1, the most unsuspecting weirdos
all seem to need your help with some-
thing, and there are a ton of collecta-
bles-this time it’s in the form of phone
numbers which you call at payphones
to unlock concept art and full issues of
the original comic.
Yes, The Darkness is based on the
comic series of the same name. I’d
never read it before, but the fact that I
could barely read the text at 1080p tells
me the developers did, and decided it
was best to spare us. The story of the
game itself is interesting enough,
though, despite the fact I normally
champion stories that have grey areas
and questionable heroes, the plot here
is a bit overbearing.
You play as Jackie Estacado, a 21-
year old-gangster who was brought up
by a New York City Mafia boss. He
looks like half the attendees at I-Con if
they had less Mountain Dew and more
HGH in their diet. Unfortunately for
Jackie, he is suddenly possessed by
Mike Patton in the form of a demonic
tentacle monster with a horrible case
of bronchitis. Throughout the adven-
ture you meet dirty cops, dirty gang-
sters, and even dirty undead Nazis.
Aside from a particularly poignant
scene in which Jackie watches To Kill a
Mockingbird with his girlfriend, the en-
tire game is about as bright as Don
Corleone’s asshole.
The gameplay is standard first-per-
son shooter fare with evil demon pow-
ers thrown in for good measure. You
spend a lot of time helping out random
folks in the subway with various prob-
lems that usually involve killing peo-
ple. However, at one point a
batshit-insane old lady had me collect-
ing quarters she dropped in front of an
oncoming train. Imagine the scene:
you, waiting on the tracks so this crazy
geezer can toss a handful of quarters
and watch you scramble wildly for her
own sadistic pleasure. All told, she
spent about five dollars watching me
attempt this feat, and all I got out of it
was another unreadable comic book.
When I wasn’t being harassed by
subway kooks, I was shooting people
or raping them with slimy black tenta-
cles. More often than not, I went the
rape-route, as I found the shooting
mechanics to be about as fun as
threading a needle, not to mention
swinging a big black cock around is a
concept I hadn’t experienced in a game
before. They’re usually white, and
small, and Japanese.
When I investigated the cause of
my aiming troubles, I came across an
entire suite of tools for modifying my
sensitivity. No less than four sliders al-
lowed me to adjust a host of values I
didn’t completely understand nor were
documented in the instruction man-
ual. If I wanted to mess with this stuff,
I would have applied for a job at Star-
breeze.
The questionable design choices
don’t end there. A weird cover system
exists in The Darkness which, if I were
the developer, I’d give some fancy
name like “Procedural Weapon/Nog-
TENTACLE MONSTER on next page
The Stony Brook Press
Love Me Some Nine Inches
By Aamer Qureshi
So Trent Reznor decided to surprise
everyone with a new album, his second
in two years. You’re probably sitting
there and thinking “oh kk lol” but you
obviously have no idea how big an ac-
complishment this is. Let these dates
give you an idea of Trent’s previous
album release tendencies.
Pretty Hate Machine (1989)
e Downward Spiral (1994)
e Fragile (1999)
With Teeth (2005)
He only broke the trend with Year
Zero (2007). ese delayed releases
were a bit of an in-joke with NIN fans –
not anymore.
Some would argue that this isn’t
even an album. Humbug, I say. is is
more of an album than you can handle
and it’s blowing people’s heads open. It’s
36 tracks of instrumentals put together
by Reznor and his in-crowd in the fall
of 2007. Reznor, who recently split with
his label, Interscope, lets you download
the album off the official NIN website
for free or for five dollars. Five dollars
for 36 tracks and a runtime of 110 min-
utes? at’s insane. Still not impressed?
Well he’s licensed it on Creative Com-
mons, and according to the website the
album is legal to share around and
remix as long as you don’t earn a profit
off of it. at’s right. You can go up to
the RIAA’s boss and download this off
the internet for free and send it to a
friend and rub it in his face and then
he’ll get security to pummel you sense-
less and break your machine and prob-
ably just chuck you off the fourteenth
GLASS OF SHIT from previous page
first idea was to shoot the ninja imme-
diately in front of me, as any bad dude
should always go for the quickest and
bloodiest resolution. Unfortunately,
the other ninja killed the president’s
daughter when I did this. In my sec-
ond attempt, I shot the other ninja,
surprised to find that it resulted in the
president getting shot by the first
ninja. On my third try, I noted a stick
of dynamite on a box and immediately
shot it, which stopped the two ninjas
but also blew up the daughter. Going
against everything in my small bad
dude mind, I tried leaving and was im-
mediately stricken with a deadly case
of guilt. At last, I concluded that a bad
dude would simply absorb the dyna-
mite explosion in his manly chest
hairs, knocking out the ninjas but
story for good measure because he’s evil
and must be stopped.
But that’s for later.
It’s really hard to tell sometimes
when a track ends because they segues
together so perfectly. e album starts
with what has become Trent’s trade-
mark gloomy piano style with buzzing
synthesizers. ere’s no describing the
Nine Inch Nails
Ghosts I-IV
beauty of it, as every note just resonates
in your very being. So by “03 Ghosts” I
(yes that’s the track’s name, they go up
to 36 Ghosts IV) it shows a little more
diversity—and some kind of Middle
Eastern vibe.
Some of the songs rock really hard,
and the guitars don’t even sound like
blocking the president’s daughter from
harm.
No one would ever, ever think to
do that on the first try, and it’s this ab-
surd kind of design that is ultimately
LOST‘s downfall. Well, that and the
fact that you spend most of a scant five
hours running around barren yet
beautifully designed set pieces, beg-
ging the game to give you something
to do. The story is nice, but the actual
game, the whole point of program-
ming all of this rather than just airing
it as an episode, is horridly flawed. It’s
a rental for any LOST fan who was ex-
cited about it, and that’s as far as I can
recommend it. It seems one thing will
never change, and if I ever get
Desmond’s time travel sickness, crappy
licensed games will be my constant.
guitars half of the time. Longtime NIN
collaborator and King Crimson gui-
tarist Adrian Belew is back with a
vengeance on this album. ose who
are cool will probably remember
Belew’s guitar solo on the track “Ru-
iner” off e Downward Spiral. Well
this time around it isn’t as obvious what
he’s up to. I’ve listened to the whole
album several times and I can only
make out what I think are guitar solos
in some odd places.
Speaking of odd places, this album
is definitely the most avant-garde move
in NIN’s career. I’m listening to 06
Ghosts I right now and I hear a xylo-
phone. Yes, a xylophone. Trent “I
TENTACLE MONSTER from previous page
gin Concealment” and slap on the
back of the box. In reality, it means
that half the time you peak over an ob-
ject to shoot someone, Jackie reaches
over with his guns-and the other time
he simply peaks his head out like an
innocent groundhog. I found that
armed gangsters weren’t phased by my
attempts to stare them down, and they
typically took the opportunity to play
Jackie-mole with my exposed head.
These glitches and control issues
were persistent, but I quickly found
ways around them. One of your pow-
ers allows you to detach one of your
slithering sausage monsters and per-
form remote kills safely from a dis-
tance. By the end of the game, I’d
dispatched half the population of New
York City with the little guy. Nothing
Arts & Entertainment 23
Wanna Fuck You Like An Animal”
Reznor is playing a xylophone. is is
awesome. As always, the production is
amazing, but this time around it seems
a lot rawer—definitely intentional.
So stranger to rawness, (remember
the abrasive Broken EP from 1992?)
Trent possesses the ability to mold noise
into something that fits so perfectly
with the overall theme and sound of a
song. His use of dynamics on Ghosts
would definitely make you consider
keeping a finger on the volume switch
all the time.
e music itself is very hard to de-
fine. It’s unlike anything NIN has done
before, yet it’s so similar. You get the
same heavy beats, distorted synthesiz-
ers and epic audio textures—yet it has
something else, a side of Trent we’ve
never seen before. Considering Trent’s
current musician status, this is an excit-
ing time for NIN fans and the support
they’ve showed is overwhelming. How
do I know this? Well when the album
was first put up for streaming on
NIN.com, it slowed down to a snail’s
pace and crashed several times due to
the enormous amount of visitors.
Whatever this new sound is, it defi-
nitely resonates with NIN fans. e
album is available for download at the
moment but it’ll be given a physical re-
lease sometime in April. e thing that
made many so excited was the deluxe
edition. It comes with four vinyl discs of
each of the Ghosts albums and is signed
by Trent himself. It costs 300 dollars and
only 2500 were produced for pre-order.
You’re probably wondering who’d pay
that much. Well, they were sold out a
day aer they were put on pre-order.
Bugger, I wanted one.
like the hero cowering behind trash
cans the entire game.
Despite all the awkwardness, I have
to say I enjoyed my 10-12 hours of
time with The Darkness. There were
enough clever little moments to keep
things interesting, especially if you can
grab it for $20 or so. Just don’t touch
the multiplayer modes. Online play
feels like a practical joke, with charac-
ters barely animating, a complete lack
of responsiveness, and everyone I
played with wondering what they’d
gotten themselves into. If you’re into
story-driven shooters with a dark tone,
you can look past all the silly gameplay
quirks, and if you’ve already played the
far-superior Riddick, I’d say The Dark-
ness is a good rental or cheap buy.
24 Arts & Entertainment
Front Row With the Royal Scots Dragoons
By Andrew Fraley
Scottish bagpiper bedecked in full
regalia and standing atop a challenger
tank as it rides across the Iraq horizon is
not an image usually brought to mind
when you think of the Middle East the
region. That was one of many notions
the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and
the Coldstream Guards elicited last Fri-
day, March 7, at the Staller Center. The
Pipes and Drums of the Royal Scots
Dragoon Guards, as well as the Regi-
mental Band of the Coldstream Guards,
performed a mix of British and Ameri-
can fanfares, and artful medleys con-
sisting of traditional Irish, Welsh,
English and Scottish tunes.
The Royal Scots Dragoons are Scot-
land’s only regular cavalry regiment.
Their history dates back as far as 1678,
and they are one of Britain’s oldest sur-
viving cavalry line. Their Regimental
Standard displays fifty celebrated battle
honors, achieved in wars throughout
their history. The Dragoons are cur-
rently experienced tank crewmen and
have served in the conflicts in Iraq,
Bosnia and Kosovo. The Band of the
Roksonaki Celebrates Nauryz at Wang Center
By Iris Lin
Roksonaki, a musical group from
Kazakhstan, put on a concert at the
Charles B. Wang Center Theater on Fri-
day, March 7. They are currently tour-
ing the US in celebration of Nauryz, a
festival welcoming the arrival of spring.
Widely observed in Central Asia and
the Middle East, the holiday begins on
March 21 and lasts for a month. Nauryz
is one of the most popular holidays in
Kazakhstan because it is not only sym-
bolic of spring’s reawakening and re-
newal, but also a time for friends and
family to come together and celebrate
with food and festivities.
To honor Nauryz, Roksonaki put
together a program of traditional
Kazakh music. The three musicians,
Ruslan Karin, Yerlan Sabitov and
Galymjan Sekeev, all specialize in tradi-
Dungeons and Dragoons
I completed my first ever campaign
last Friday night. My name was Audi-
ence Member, and I guess my character
type was Thief, considering I didn’t pay
for my ticket. I sustained few wounds
Coldstream Guards is one of the oldest
Military Bands in the world. The regi-
ment itself goes back as far as 1650,
The Coldstream Guards in action
formed by George Monck, a general in
Oliver Cromwell’s army. As the regi-
ment gained battle honors and fame,
the strength and size of the band in-
creased to its current 45-man power-
house roster.
The concert consisted of artful
arrangements of traditional songs, often
tional Kazakh instruments as well as a
wide variety of instruments from other
cultures. “We incorporate other instru-
ments to create a richer sound in our
music,” said Karin. I have to agree; while
their music has a clean crisp acoustic
sound there are many layers that can be
during the campaign, which was set in
the fictional world of The Staller Cen-
ter. I defeated The Royal Scots Dra-
goons with a favorable dice throw of 8.
-David K. Ginn
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
by Major Graham Jones and Pipe Major
Derek Potter, The Coldstream Guards’
and the Dragoons’ bandleaders, respec-
Andrew Fraley
tively. Each thematic set contained a
number of songs that flowed smoothly
into each other. The Coldstream Guards
executed their marches with flawless
precision, and the Dragoons piped their
bags with energy and poise. The Dra-
goons also featured traditional Scottish
dancers. Their vigorous dancing re-
heard running through their music,
subtlety intertwining in enchanting
ways.
The concert was not only a delight-
ful feast for the ears but wonderful to
watch as well. There is something very
unique and special about experiencing
vealed their enthusiasm, as well as brief
glimpses under their kilts whenever
they twirled.
Towards the end of the show they
featured a tribute to America, which
showcased the songs of the United
States Military. This set was very well
received by the audience, and loud ap-
plause proceeded each segue into the
next song. There was a bit of awkward
silence between the songs of The Coast
Guard and The Merchant Marine, as
nobody recognized those songs as well
as the other military branches. But, fa-
miliarity or not, the audience thor-
oughly enjoyed the show and standing
ovations resounded in the theater.
Upcoming Events at the Staller
Center:
On Sunday, March 30 at 7pm, the
East Village Opera Company will be
coming to the Staller Center. Com-
prised of a conventional rock band, a
string quartet and two vocalists, does
this group have the pomposity to
cover the previously untouchable hits
of the days of yore? There’s a video
clip available at the Staller Center’s
web site, www.stallercenter.com.
Tickets are $32.
music live and watching the emotions
played out, not only in the music but
also on the musicians’ faces and in their
movements. Roksonaki brought to-
gether music and performance to make
a fantastic concert with a repertoire of
great variety. I particularly enjoyed
“Aiken-ai.” The plaintive tone of Karin’s
vocals created such feelings of yearning
for something bittersweet and longing
for something precious, now lost. “Bau”
was very energizing, and having to sit
still in a seat was dissatisfying. The sub-
tle rhythm of “Karakurt” combined
with Sekeev’s throat singing had a mes-
merizing quality, while Sabitov’s playing
of the kyl-kobyz in “Kui Akku” skillfully
invoked the essence of swans.
Although this concert was per-
formed solely with acoustic instru-
ments, Roksonaki is also well known for
their fusion of traditional Kazakh music
with music from pop, jazz, and rock
genres. More information on the band
can be found at www.mosaiqa.com and
at their myspace page
www.myspace.com/roksonaki.
The Stony Brook Press
Beverage For Thought
Did you know that Coca-Cola sponsored the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games? You know, the ones where the Jews lost...their lives.
Silverstein Plays Times Square
By Dave Robin
ere are many different types of en-
tertainment that are constantly present
in Times Square. People usually walk
through Times Square to go shopping,
have a meal, explore the area or all
three. On December 22, I walked right
passed the towering buildings and
blinding lights for a completely differ-
ent reason. I rode on the train from
Stony Brook to Penn Station and then
walked to Times Square to hear music.
e Nokia eatre is located in Times
Square, and while it definitely has a cor-
porate feel, it is still my favorite place to
hear music. One of my favorite bands,
Silverstein, performed at the Nokia e-
atre on Friday night, December 22, and
it was four hours of my life well spent.
My roommate and I arrived at Penn
Station at 5 p.m. and the doors were
opening in an hour, which would turn
out to be our only problem during the
night. Aer having awesome burritos
from Chipotle, we walked to Times
Square, where we discovered that the
line was around the block. I don’t mean
that it was figuratively very long, but
that it actually turned two corners and
went all the way down the next block.
Arriving so soon before the doors
opened turned out to be a huge mistake
because it took around 45 minutes to
enter the Nokia eatre, and at least an-
Magnetic Fields at Town Hall
By Laura Cooper
The audience is full, the lights dim–
a momentary silence falls upon the
stage with a black curtain as its sole
background. The band, looking as if
they had just come straight from home
themselves, nonchalantly takes the
stage. A nearby woman clutches a de-
signer bag, clearly more expensive than
all the band member’s outfits combined.
This minimalist theme sets the stage
with no distractions, where the audi-
ence can focus on the raw emotion of
the music, and the talent of the almost
twenty year–old band.
The Magnetic Fields is a four-piece
band from Massachusetts. The band is
the brainchild of Stephen Merritt, who,
up until their most recent album Dis-
tortion, had done most of the vocals on
their albums. Merritt also produces and
writes the majority of their music, ac-
cording to allmusic.com, that describes
their sound as “warm” and “Pop-ori-
other half hour on the coat check line.
Unfortunately, it was a snowy and rainy
day, so almost everyone had a coat to
leave with the helpful employees of the
Nokia eatre. By the time we handed
off our coats and three dollars, we
missed Protest the Hero, the first band
of the Chillin Across America 2008
tour. Protest the Hero is a five piece
band with a fast punk/hardcore sound.
I was disappointed, but I haven’t lis-
tened to their music very much so it
wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
However, the next band was one of the
main reasons that I ventured in the
frigid New York air to attend the con-
cert.
Many people thought that they were
e Devil Wears Prada, due to that
band’s banner coming down, but they
were actually A Day to Remember – a
hardcore band from Oscala, Florida
with a very interesting sound. ey are
signed to Victory Records and their
sound is an intriguing mix of melodic
pop-punk and very deep hardcore
music. I saw them live at the previous
concert I attended at the Nokia eatre-
with Bayside as the headliner. Tonight,
they played their most popular songs,
“Fast Forward to 2012,” “Plot to Bomb
the Panhandle,” and “e Danger in
Starting a Fire,”– which led the crowd
into a crazy moshpit frenzy. ey also
played their cover of “Since U Been
Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, which
brought some laughs and another awe-
ented.” The group also includes Claudia
Gonson, who plays the piano and pro-
vides vocals for the band, Sam Davol,
who plays the cello and John Woo, who
plays the banjo and the guitar. The band
formed after Merritt contacted his high
school bandmate, Gonson, to play some
of his compositions. They played to-
gether for the first time in Cambridge,
Mass. in 1991 to a sparse crowd.
The Magnetic Fields have since re-
leased eight albums, including their
1999 hit 69 Love Songs, a three-disc
compilation originally meant to be a
musical revue, but turned out to be a
emotional vent, for Merritt who com-
posed all the songs on the album. The
band went on to release the appropri-
ately named i in 2004, i was named so
because every song on the record
started with only “I”. Their latest re-
lease, Distortion, strays from their pre-
vious albums most drastically in that
Merritt does not sing the majority of the
songs, and that Gonson sings on the
most potentially commercial-friendly
song, “California Girls.”
some moshpit. Aer around a half hour
of singing and screaming, A Day to Re-
member le and the roadies set up for
the next band, e Devil Wears Prada.
For those who are wondering, e
Devil Wears Prada are nothing like the
movie that they are named aer. ey
are a hardcore band from Dayton, Ohio
and have a loud screeching sound with
some deeper elements mixed in. ey
are also devout believers in Jesus, like
Underoath. ey played a very solid,
hour-long set that had some of a crazi-
est moshpits I have ever seen. ey are
better live than on their albums because
they have a contagious energy that can-
not be detected in their recordings. e
crowd was going insane the whole time,
and the Devil Wears Prada fed off of
their energy. ey played their more
popular songs, like “is Song is
Called,” “Reptar, King of the Ozone,”
“HTML Rulez D00d,” and “Hey John,
Whats Your Name Again?” When they
le the stage of the Nokia eatre, the
crowd was drenched with sweat, but
ready for the headliner.
Silverstein was the final band of the
night and had over an hour to play.
ey are usually classified as a screamo
band and have Burlington, Canada as
their hometown. Any fans of
Hawthorne Heights would probably like
Silverstein more than they ever liked
Hawthorne Heights. In my opinion, Sil-
verstein has more solid guitar players
and a much more solid vocalist. ey
Minimalism is prevalent in the work
of The Magnetic Fields, a band whose
music explores the often-bitter chaos of
being in love as a major theme. Songs
that boast the questioning lyrics “who
do you love when I’m out of town?”
mimic the lamentations that are readily
explored on The Magnetic Field’s previ-
ous albums, as well as in their latest re-
lease.
Distortion was released on None-
such Records this past January and is al-
ready garnering press for the blunt, yet
seemingly true, song “California Girls.”
This song painstakingly depicts the per-
sona of stereotypical California girls,
with the repeating chorus, “I hate Cali-
fornia girls.”
“We’re not sure how this is going to
be received in California”, Merritt said.
The crowd laughed in response,
“They’ll probably just say that Claudia’s
jealous of them.”
The song, itself, is the catchiest on
the album, which features songs such as
“Too Drunk to Dream,” and “The Nun’s
Litany,” which features the lyrics, “I’d
Arts & Entertainment 25
are like Hawthorne Heights in that their
newer music has a slightly “main-
stream” sound, and this led many peo-
ple in the crowd to chant for their older
music. I was one of these people, but I
think that their new music is also fun to
listen to. ey ended up playing a good
mixture of their newer music from Ar-
rivals & Departures and their older
music from Discovering the Waterfront,
and When Broken is Easily Fixed. ey
started off with newer songs like “Still
Dreaming” and “Sound of the Sun” be-
fore mixing in their older music. Most
of the songs had crazy mosh pits and
there was a huge circle pit for “Defend
You.” e fans went completely insane
for their older songs like “November,”
“Last Days of Summer,” “Red Light
Pledge,” “Weak and e Wounded,” and
“Call it Karma.” ey played almost all
of their older music but le out a couple
of popular songs, which resulted in a
“one more song” chant. I chanted loudly
with the rest of the crowd and was se-
cretly hoping for “My Heroine” and “My
Heart Bleeds No More,” their two most
popular songs. e moment that made
my night was when they came back out
for an encore and played both songs.
Everyone knew that they would come
back out and their song choice was pre-
dictable, but I was still satisfied that I
was correct, because it was the perfect
ending to a great concert.
like to be a playboy’s bunny, I’d do what-
ever they asked me to.” The lyrics can be
interpreted as seemingly mimicking the
words of ignorant young girls around
the globe. But in this case, Gonson’s
downtrodden, humorous way of per-
forming the piece makes it obvious that
she does not, in fact, want to be a play-
boy’s bunny.
The Magnetic Field’s main theme
throughout their discography is cen-
tered on the familiarity of being an out-
sider. The band performed, “I Looked
All Over Town,” a piece about straying
from the norm in a world of conformity,
and struggling to survive in that envi-
ronment.
The band’s live performance can be
best compared to visiting your psychol-
ogist. Their songs are so emotionally
grating, that it’s only necessary that a
concertgoer leave the venue in awe, and
in question. Distortion is clearly more
upbeat and humorous than their past
releases, but still holds the emotional
credit that calls for introspective
thought.
26 Arts & Entertainment
Caution: Lust, Caution Contains Lust, Caution!
By James Laudano
Question: How do espionage and
graphic sex set to the backdrop of
World War II-era Asia sound to you? If
you answered, “Super cool!” or “Fuck-
ing awesome!” Lust, Caution is a movie
for you.
Lust, Caution, which is in Mandarin
with English subtitles, is the first film
with an NC-17 rating to be widely dis-
tributed in the United States since 1995.
The film, which is director Ang Lee’s
encore to the acclaimed Brokeback
Mountain, is about a group of young ac-
tors in occupied China who decide to
infiltrate the Chinese collaboration gov-
ernment and assassinate one of their top
officials. The protagonist, Wong Chia
Chi, played by first-time actress Wei
Tang, is the girl tasked by the group of
would-be assassins to seduce their tar-
get, Mr. Yee. Mr. Yee, played by Hong
Kong cinema star Tony Leung, is the
chief of the secret police in Japanese-oc-
cupied Shanghai, and is an undeniably
cold-hearted bastard. That is, until
Wong Chia Chi captures his heart. As
Wong Chia Chi and Mr. Yee become
closer and more intimate, the young as-
sassin finds it increasingly difficult to
stay focused and work to kill her target.
The performances delivered by the
More Like…Lame, Caution
By Dick Delicious
Lust, Caution serves as a miserable
foray into the world of erotic cinema.
You would think that after directing a
hit movie rife with hot cowboy fucking,
Ang Lee would’ve been able to do the
porn industry some justice by playing
his cards right and releasing an adult
flick truly worthy of a few jerks. If only
Lust, Caution was that kind of a film,
then maybe my efforts in hand-starting
the old yogurt cannon wouldn’t have
been in vain. Instead, Lee serves up a
plot-based stinker complete with movie
dialogue spoken almost entirely in Chi-
nese, save for a few scenes, along with
featuring on camera time where hairy
women are seen being poorly screwed
in over furnished sets.
Lust, Caution follows a troupe of five
would-be student actors living in World
War II China during the Japanese occu-
pancy of the 1940s. This is a time when
the whole nation was swept up in eco-
nomic turmoil and the Chinese people
were constantly being whisked away by
Japanese forces working to crush trai-
actors in this film are all top-notch.
Tony Leung, no stranger to romance
films, is simply remarkable. He com-
pletely nails his complex role. At one
moment we see Mr. Yee the police chief,
completely stone-faced and busi-
nesslike, as he orders the execution of
captured insurgents. In the next mo-
ment, we find him wooing Wong Chia
Chi so romantically that he seems like a
regular Casanova. However, even when
he is with Wong Chia Chi, he still dis-
plays the calculated, efficient style that
makes him so skilled at his police job.
torous citizens. It’s funny that this pe-
riod is used as a backdrop for an ill-
fated porno, but leave it to Lee to keep
us all on our toes. Anyway, you’ve got
Japanese fascists running amuck, and in
the midst of all the terror, a small group
of Chinese college students decide to
form a theatre group and perform at
their university to promote nationalis-
tic pride and Chinese patriotism. Before
long, Kuang Yu Min (the leader of the
group) enlists the help of the shy Wong
Chia Chi to star in his production. She
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Joan Chen, who plays Mr. Yee’s wife,
also delivers a very strong performance.
You can tell that there is little real love
left in Mr. and Mrs. Yee’s relationship.
Mrs. Yee, perhaps as a coping mecha-
nism, hides this fact behind constant
games of Mahjong and days of extrava-
gant spending with her other rich, love-
less girlfriends. Yet, Chen still manages
to convince us that Mrs. Yee desperately
wants to cling to the couple’s younger
days and revitalize their romance. De-
spite the fact that hers is secondary to
the two lead roles, Joan Chen’s portrayal
ends up killing the show and completely
stirs up the emotions of the weepy-eyed
Chinese audience. Needless to say,
Wong’s performance gave this reviewer
sweaty palms and a massive erection.
Hey, there’s just something about well-
performed theatre that makes me
horny—but I digress.
Anyway, at some point Kuang re-
cruits his fellow student actors and
comes up with the genius plan of assas-
sinating a main Japanese collaborator,
Mr. Yee. It’s here that the rambunctious
of Mrs. Yee is just as heartrending and
layered as that from anyone else in the
film.
However, no discussion of this film
would be complete without examining
Wei Tang’s Wong Chia Chi. Rarely do
you ever see an actress ever called upon
to deliver as much as Wei Tang was in
this film. Add that to the fact that this
was her first film role ever, and you have
a performance to remember. She
brought a sort of quiet dignity to her
character, even when she was screwing
Mr. Yee like a horny rabbit.
With an NC-17 rating, Lust, Caution
has drawn some attention, even if it is
slightly diminished due to the fact that
the film is in Mandarin. The film fea-
tures nearly ten minutes of graphic (and
sometimes acrobatic) sex scenes be-
tween Tony Leung and Wei Tang. There
is also a good amount of speculation
about whether or not these sex scenes
were simulated or real. Perhaps that
should only indicate the excellence of
the two actors’ performances.
In the end, Lust, Caution is both a
thrilling period piece and a heartrend-
ing romance. Plus, for good measure,
there’s three graphic sex scenes. So go
out and see Lust, Caution. You won’t re-
gret it.
theatre group must put their acting
skills to the test in order to gain the trust
of Yee’s lackies and eventually carry out
their assassination attempt. Wong im-
merses herself in deception and be-
comes Mrs. Mak. She pretends to be
married to one of her actor friends and
works towards gaining Yee’s trust by
making nice with his wife in the hopes
of eventually moving in for the kill. Mrs.
Mak must pull off an affair with Yee in
order to enhance his vulnerability so
that her friends can move in and take
him out. There’s just one problem:
Wong is a virgin. In an effort to trans-
form her into a better and more con-
vincing lay, Kuang instructs the
horniest dude in his group to plow
Wong/ Mrs. Mak. Here I though that I
was going to get treated to an all-out
gangbang, but no, all I got was ten com-
bined minutes of awkward sex in which
our young actress assumes the role of a
pillow and performs listlessly during
much of the fuck romp fiesta that en-
sues.
The plot line sluggishly moves for-
ward and takes on a dark twist. It turns
LAME LUST on next page
The Stony Brook Press
Tim Burton: Step Away From the Camera
By Doug Cion
For the longest time I have remained
silent about this, but I have held my
tongue long enough. Alex H. Nagler’s
review of Burton’s last film, Sweeney
Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street,
in a previous issue of The Stony Brook
Press has inspired me to finally write
this article. For all of you who have read
that article, you basically know where
this one is going and for all who did not
read it, the message here is to stop Tim
Burton and his path of cinematic de-
struction.
There is a major difference between
creativity and butchery. Who the hell
does Burton think he is to take already
written and/or produced stories and
adapt them into the way he sees it? Just
a brief summary of Alex’s article: Tim
cut out significant songs from the score,
ditched trademark motifs such as the
steam whistle, changed character ap-
pearances such as age and blasphe-
mously changed the ending! You do not
do this when it is not your original
piece. What if Michael Bay decided to
do a revision of Star Wars but have
Darth Vader be Luke’s lesbian neigh-
bor’s blind cousin’s lover? Okay, that
may be a little more drastic but I don’t
care. It’s wrong.
Now we get into the stuff I know a
little more about in comparison to
Sweeney. First, I would love to address
another musical that Tim took for his
own that truly made me cry a little
when I saw it. In 1971, Mel Stuart
adapted Dahl’s Charlie and the Choco-
late Factory into a classic musical. Even
though it is portrayed as a family film,
do not be fooled because there are se-
cret, dark messages encased in the film’s
narrative. Later, in 2005, Burton tried
to readapt the story. He once again re-
cast Depp, whose aim must have been
to win an award for “Best imperson-
ation of Michael Jackson.” The first im-
pression was that “Tim Burton is
dark… the original book was dark. The
Lame, Caution, continued
LAME LUST from previous page
out that one of Yee’s protégées finds out
what Kuang and the gang are up to and
shows up to expose them. Yee’s main
guy gets his shit completely ruined and
is repeatedly stabbed to death by the
young actors, thus turning Lust, Cau-
tion into a below-average snuff film.
Shame on you, Ang Lee, you’ve got no
fucking class!
With Yee’s protégée dead, the
troupe’s plans are foiled, and Yee flees
one that starred Gene Wilder was a
happy musical, but Burton will make it
what is supposed to be.” Burton’s film
did have some significance in that it
fixed some mistakes the first film made,
like making Mr. Buckett an actual char-
acter. However, one of the “darkest”
ideas about the book is that all the chil-
dren except Charlie actually die in the
factory. All those incidences like Veruca
falling into the garbage chute and Violet
turning into a blueberry causes their
deaths. Stuart’s film never brings the
children back. With a close analysis of
the film, this is a representation of
death. If you remember, at the end of
Burton’s film, the children come back all
deformed and whatnot. That was just a
flex of Burton’s muscles in regards to
digital effects, but it was not necessary
to show the results of Mike Teevee after
being put in the taffy maker. Burton
also ruined the Oompa Loompas by
making their scenes into song and
dance numbers. The Oompa Loompa
chant is somewhat iconic and recogniz-
able to everyone but, of course, Tim
needs to come along and cast one actor
the country. Some time passes, and
Wong Chia Chi goes back to school and
loses touch with her murderous theatre
buddies. A few years go by, and Kuang
suddenly forces his way back into
Wong’s life. He informs her that Yee has
attained a very powerful position in the
new Chinese puppet government and
that she must return to her role as Mrs.
Mak so that Kuang and his rebel friends
can finish the assassination job that was
thwarted a few years prior.
to be them all, and make them do a rock
ballad or an improvised rap song. Fi-
nally, there is the classic tunnel scene.
Everyone was so excited to see how Tim
was going to make it even scarier than
the original. To this day, Gene Wilder
sitting on that boat and reciting that
poem still freaks me out. Once I saw the
eight second tunnel scene that Tim pro-
duced, I felt like I, as well as many oth-
ers, were cheated.
From here, we move on to Burton’s
Sleepy Hollow, released in 1999. Yes, you
guessed it, Johnny Depp was cast in the
lead role as Ichabod Crane. The Legend
of the Headless
Horseman is a classic
piece of American
literature. Every ele-
mentary school stu-
dent is introduced to
the story in the third
grade at Halloween.
They could all tell
you that Ichabod is a
schoolteacher in the
town of Sleepy Hol-
low, not a man movie for now, I hope you appre-
doctor/forensics
agent from the city.
They could also tell
you that the Horse-
man was a Hessian
hired by the British
as a mercenary to
help put down the
rebellion in 1776
where his head is
blown off by a can-
nonball, not chopped
off by his own sword. Oh, and one more
thing…there is no romance story be-
tween Ichabod and a nobleman’s daugh-
ter where they eventually live happily
ever after; Ichabod meets an unknown
fate which varies amongst storytellers.
So we have ourselves another ending
changed that can be credited to Mr. Tim
Burton.
Finally, we get to my favorite, the
first two Batman movies. Granted, Tim’s
Batman is the highest-grossing Batman
movie of the franchise (that is, until
I won’t spoil the ending for you but
let’s just say that Wong Chia Chi finally
gets to fuck the bajesus out of Yee, sev-
eral, several times. Their sex was palpa-
ble, but good lord, was it strange! Yee is
a total animal in the sack! There’s loads
of whipping, hitting, and rough sex that
borders on full-out rape, which, in my
opinion, was a truly disgusting and
tasteless spectacle. Yet, I couldn’t look
away.
Lust, Caution is a foreign film that’s
Arts & Entertainment 27
May 2008) but I give most of the credit
to Jack Nicholson’s rendition of the
Joker. Damn, I am doing really well with
the segues today because I would like to
start with one major point…Jack
Napier, aka The Joker, does not kill Bruce
Wayne’s parents! I am sure it was helpful
for Timmy to create a good narrative for
the film, but I find it blasphemous to do
that to one of the most famous comic
book characters. On the topic of vil-
lains, Batman Returns’ Penguin was ac-
tually an upper-class gentleman who
was not thrown into the sewer by his
parents. He did not join a circus and
raise his own army of penguins. Nice
try, Tim. By the way, your choice of
casting Michael Keaton as Bruce
Wayne? Bruce Wayne/Batman is sup-
posed to be 6’2 and 210 lbs. Keaton is a
great actor, but nothing pisses me off
more than hearing people say ‘He will
always be the face of Batman for me.’
Wake up people, Christian Bale is now
and will always be the best portrayal.
For those who agree with me that
Nolan’s Batman Begins is the best Bat-
ciate the martial arts aspect of the movie
which, by the way, Tim does not find
necessary to include.
In conclusion, I respect the man that
is Tim Burton…the director. He has es-
tablished himself with a recognizable
style that when you see his movie, you
can say “That was a classic Tim Burton
movie.” I for one, however, don’t appre-
ciate egotism. I also don’t appreciate
Tim thinking that he has the power to
change a classic story just because he
sees it a different way. That does not
give him the right! Also, I am tired of
seeing those little emo kids with their
tight black jeans, their Starbucks cups
in hand, and their winter caps on their
head in the summer who have become
Disciples of Burton, waiting on line for
the next showing that their mom can
buy their tickets for them so they can
talk the entire time, clap (which I hate
more than anything) and get a tan from
the movie screen because that is the
most light they will ever be in.
incredibly artsy and drawn out. Had I
been a man of lesser patience, I
would’ve tuned out long before the final
30 minutes of the feature were up. The
flick ran for almost three hours, and I
simply couldn’t take it after a while. If I
could bill Ang Lee for wasted time, I
certainly would. Special mention goes
to the fact that this is the only foreign
movie I’ve seen without midgets in
sombreros banging fake-breasted
Latina floozies on stacked milk crates.
28
opinion
We’re Screwed! SB’s Potential Zombie Outbreak
With the num-
ber of zombie out-
breaks on the rise
worldwide, it is
disconcerting to
know that our es-
teemed university
DAN is completely inca-
DEPUY pable of protecting
itself from an in-
evitable attack. The following are sev-
eral reasons why SBU is vulnerable to
attack and what we can do about it.
Reason #1: Proximity to the Univer-
sity Hospital. One might think that a
hospital would be an excellent place to
ride out an undead infestation. Stony
Brook’s university hospital is a tall
building, easy to fortify and full of beds,
food and of course, medical equipment.
This is precisely the problem. As
pointed out in Max Brooks’ Zombie Sur-
vival Guide, hospitals are horribly dan-
gerous places to be during an outbreak.
The first thing an infected person is
going to do, in theory, is seek medical
help. When people begin feeling ill at
the onset of the infection, many of them
will immediately go to the hospital. It is
unfortunate that most physicians—in
spite of their credentials—are not
trained to see the signs of Solanum, ra-
diation from fallen satellites or the T-
Virus. Unrecognized symptoms will
lead to patients passing away and rean-
imating in their hospital beds. The uni-
versity’s hospital will quickly become a
hotbed of ghoul activity. The entire staff
will be reanimated within hours, posing
a huge threat to the campus proper. A
visual example of this phenomenon can
be seen in Robert Rodriguez’s docu-
mentary film Planet Terror.
The infected humans will have sev-
eral venues by which to approach cam-
pus, the most dangerous being the
tunnel that runs under Nicholls Rd.
Newly turned Ghouls, smelling the
thousands of young people across the
way, will no doubt pass both under and
across Nicholls Rd. in order to feed.
Those crossing the road will undoubt-
edly attack motorists, causing hundreds
more to potentially reanimate before
the hordes even break the three adjacent
campus entrances.
Reason #2: Urbanization and Over-
population. It’s hard enough to find a
parking space or get onto a SINC site
Inside the Opinion section-
Zombie Goasts!
Page? This One, Dude!
computer. The congestion on our cam-
pus is dangerous for a multitude of rea-
sons and during a zombie epidemic this
means two things; first that the infec-
tion will spread at an alarming rate,
what with the infected reanimating stu-
dents and staff that are crammed into
small places. Campus dining halls and
SINC sites will be primary targets, as
the instinct-driven zombies will follow
the sounds and smell of their prey in the
areas in which they are most concen-
Weʼre not ready.
trated. Second, there is nowhere to run.
When the legions of undead approach
across Nicholls Rd. and, to a lesser de-
gree, through Stony Brook Rd., students
will be caught in the quasi-urban sprawl
of our “modern” campus. The only av-
enue of safety will be to stay indoors
and block all the entrances until rescue
arrives. As illustrated in several docu-
mentary films, including George A.
Romero’s Day Of The Dead, the only
way to safely escape an infestation is by
air. The only heliports on campus, how-
ever, are located on the hospital – a
place that will become a no-man’s land
within the first hour of the outbreak.
Reason #3: Underprepared police.
While it is wonderful to have a police
department on campus, it is no question
that they will not be prepared to face
Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008
Warning: May Contain Peanut Allergens
Page 11
such a problem. University Police are al-
ready understaffed and are not given
the means they require to enforce the
law on campus on a day-to-day basis.
When a throng of stinking, rotting dead
approach the police station on Mar-
burger Dr., bewildered police will have
no choice but to isolate themselves
within the police station and make a
stand until their ammo runs out. The
handful of police outside of the precinct
will be cut off from communicating
Jesse Schoepfer
with their dispatch and consequently
thrown to the wolves. Their firearms
will be ineffective at best when the
numbers of the undead begin increas-
ing into the thousands.
Reason #4: Unprepared students.
SBU has a number of resident students,
upwards of 20,000. All of these people
are piled on top of one another in their
dormitories, living on meal plans and
Domino’s pizza. A few hours into the
episode, there will likely no longer be a
Domino’s Pizzeria, least of all a delivery
man brave enough to enter Zombie
Brook University. While fortifying the
dormitories is theoretically possible, the
buildings are ill-equipped to hold off a
siege. In the event of an outbreak, it is
unlikely that students and staff will have
time to equip their dormitories against
Starbucks V. Dunkin Donuts
Page 14
the oncoming wave of death. According
to the Zombie Survival Guide men-
tioned above, one of the first steps to
fortifying a defense is to move to a
higher floor and destroy the staircases.
Zombies can break through barricades,
but they cannot climb. Most buildings
have several staircases and in some
quads there are stairs leading from the
ground floor all the way to the top floor;
destroying the first staircase in time
both exposes the students trying to do
so and will prove more time-con-
suming than a hungry crowd of
flesh-eating monsters will allow. Un-
fortunately, even if the stairs are de-
stroyed, this traps the survivors
inside the building where their meal
plans are useless and there’s only
enough leftover Domino’s in any
given building to survive three days,
tops. Additionally, SBU’s student
body is made up of a diverse group
that in many cases would clash when
in a crisis situation. In theory, lan-
guage barriers and radically different
personalities can be major liabilities
in organizing a chain of command or
formulating a plan of action during a
time of crisis. Finally, with the poor
cleaning and hygiene habits of many
students, disease is always a risk.
Most male students can’t flush the
toilet after they piss, not to mention
properly dress a wound or properly
dispose of a body.
There is little that can be done on
the fly to prepare against this kind of
eventuality. It is infinitely important
that university staff begins organizing a
plan of action and prepares for an attack
preemptively. Backup generators have
to be tested and all residence halls
should have a stockpile of food and
medical supplies. University police
should be provided with adequate
weapons and bite-resistant body armor.
Most importantly, medical staff must be
trained on how to diagnose and treat
signs of the various causes associated
with reanimation. It is highly recom-
mended that all persons read the civil-
ian survival manual and that we all
learn to recognize the signs of an out-
break before it gets out of hand. This
way, we can quickly escape to safety be-
fore the hordes breach the entrances.
The Stony Brook Press
You know, maybe all we really need is to get Michael Jackson to dance with some people in
full “Thirl er” makeup, and at the end of the video, he’ll turn back into Michael Jackson!
Planters’ Nuts: Insane Corporate Machine?
Mascots say a
lot about a com-
pany or sports
team. No one is
going to root for
you if you’re the
California Dick
CAN Riders and your
DASHMAR mascot isn’t even
riding a dick. Thus
I must bring attention to the Planters
Nuts guy: Mr. Peanut. What type of
message are they trying to send him?
First, we must break him down piece-
by-piece, nut-by-nut.
First of all, look at his left eye. A re-
liable source tells me this was actually
based off the ol’ Eye of Horus. Now
what in tarnation does that mean, you
must be asking yourself? It symbolizes
protection and royal power from the
gods. Mr. Peanut might try to throw you
off with his crude realization of it but
don’t be deceived–it is most definitely
the Eye of Horus and they are most def-
initely seeking royal power from the
gods.
Let us now examine his nose. It
comes to a point. What else comes to a
point? Swords. The message is clear
here: Those who oppose us will be
slaughtered.
You’ll notice his arms and legs are
black and his body is in fact, a peanut.
You’re completely wrong on both parts
and I will hold it against you. His arms
and legs are not black. He is in fact,
wearing a leotard. What does this
mean? First of all, if you don’t know
what a leotard is, you’re a fucking
moron. Secondly, it means that like
gymnasts, they can hurdle over any ob-
Alex H. Nagler, on the 25th anniversary of Thriller
stacle thrown in their way. The peanut
shell? A shield. A reputable journalist I
know once told me, “Planters won’t ever
let any of us in to investigate those alle-
gations from 1996 about the three mur-
ders.” That seems awfully fishy to me.
No, it’s not nutty, you stupid douche.
The shell is their shield which would be
modern-day lawyers and modern-day
security systems.
What does his monocle mean?
It’s a monocle.
His hat clearly states “Mr.
Peanut” on it. What kind of self-
absorbed person puts their own
name on their clothing? Mr.
Peanut and sports players.
Planters is trying to suggest that,
“We’re the best. We know it and you
should know it.” The next logical step is
for them to start brainwashing children
from youth like religious organiza-
tions. You’ll notice two bars of white
on his hat. Notice them. What do
two bars of white make? The num-
ber 11. “Oh it’s just the number 11,
no big deal. By the way, I’m a com-
plete fucking moron.” The number
11 no big deal? Here’s why it is: the
eleventh moon of Jupiter is Himalia.
Himalia was a nymph Zeus used for
sexual pleasure. Therefore, Mr. Peanut
is boldly exclaiming that his company
will have affairs with your loved ones
and you cannot do anything about it be-
cause of their royal power as seen by the
Eye Of Horus.
Who uses a cane anyway, right? Old
people? Yes, old people. Ever hear the
riddle of the Sphinx? I’m not going to
explain it but people towards the end of
their life are on three legs, one being a
cane. “Oh that’s great news, Planters is
going to die soon!” is what you said just
now. Wrong. Look at his smile. How
many old people do you know smile?
That’s right, none. Old people are con-
stantly com-
plaining,
being slow and
dying. There’s no happi-
ness there. What they’re try-
ing to say here is that, “Yes
we’re old, but unlike any of you
humans, we will live forever.”
He wears gloves just like any
other cold-blooded assassin. No
Opinion 29
one likes to sully their hands with the
blood of their victims—thus gloves
were invented. Who does Planters need
to murder? Uh, everyone in their path.
Duh.
His shoes look awfully classy
for a cold-blooded killing machine.
And that’s exactly the point! Ask any
person with a throbbing vagina, the first
thing they notice about someone is their
shoes. It’s merely an attempt to distract
you from what’s above like dan-
gling a carrot in front of a horse
and having it run off a cliff. It
wants that carrot so bad that it
kills itself. So while he dances
the dance and smiles the
smile, you’re so distracted
you end up dead like Noam
Chomsky.
Let me reiterate what you
just found out: Planters’ Nuts
has royal power from the
gods, means of killing
you, the can dodge any
obstacle, lawyers
make them un-
touchable, mono-
cles rule, they’re
cocky, they have
anal sex with
your loved ones,
they’re immor-
tal, they kill any-
one that opposes
them and they
have nice shoes.
You’ve been warned.
The first protest is
February 28, 2008.
Be there.
30 Opinion Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press. Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060

Debunking Nader Myths: How Democrats

Learned to Stop Using Scapegoats to Mask Flaws
Ralph Nader
has been labeled
many things: ac-
tivist, consumer
advocate, and un-
relenting, to name
a few. But in the
Nick Eaton wake of his an-
nouncement of
candidacy in the
2008 presidential election, a far less
pleasant nametag has risen from the
dead to affix itself to Public Citizen
Nader: spoiler.
Embittered Democrats love to point
at the 2000 election as Nader’s “unfor-
givable wrong.” Citing the fact that
Nader “pulled” more than enough votes
to call for a definitive Al Gore victory,
Democrats state that Nader effectively
campaigned for Bush. What Nader
haters fail to acknowledge are Gore’s
own failures.
Let’s throw away the idea that
George W. Bush stole the 2000 election
(plausible and probable as it may be).
Assuming that George W. Bush beat Al
Gore fairly and squarely by 543 votes, is
it fair to say that Nader, who garnered
roughly 97,500 votes in Florida, helped
to defeat the Democratic candidate?
Roughly 250,000 Florida Democrats
voted for Bush. Additionally, butterfly
ballots that were used in Florida re-
sulted in a disproportionately large vote
for Pat Buchanan. e unusual way that
the ballots were set resulted in confu-
sion for some voters. Although Gore
was listed second, the slot harnessed to
vote for him was the third slot. Giant
arrow pointing to the correct slot aside,
some Floridians who intended to vote
for Gore accidentally voted for for voters, “it’s the economy, stupid!”
Buchanan. ose who realized their Instead of harnessing incumbent status
folly quickly corrected themselves by to point to a long record of political suc-
choosing the correct slot. Unfortu- cesses, Gore feared the Lewinsky sex
nately, those who corrected themselves scandal and jumped ship to find that he
created what is called an overvote and was drowning. Despite having been a
their ballots were discarded. e Palm public servant in his resident state of
Beach Post Tennessee from 1977-1993, holding of-
analyzed the fice as a representative in two different
discarded districts as well as having been Senator,
ballots and Al Gore lost Tennessee to Bush. Was
found that Nader at fault there as well? If the Vice
5,330 of President of an economically strong
them were United States could not beat George W.
G o r e / Bush by a significant margin, is that the
Buchanan fault of a third party candidate exercis-
ballots. If ing his right to run for president?
even just A total of eight third-party candi-
over 10% of dates ran in Florida, many of which
those voters took votes from Bush. If, as the domi-
had appro- nating parties would have it, all third-
priately party candidates were abolished, the
voted for scales would still very likely be tipped
Gore he in Bush’s favor. e fact remains that
would have Nader may have been the straw that
won the broke Al Gore’s back, but Nader’s im-
election. pact upon the election could readily
Apart have been avoided if Gore had worked
from state- on some severe issues in his campaign.
specific failures, Gore distanced himself Fighting the Florida verdict a little
from Bill Clinton, whose policies cre- harder may have helped uncover the
ated a bustling economy and aer all, Diebold scandal as well.

…And What If I Speak Fratalian?

Last Tuesday,
February 26, Star-
bucks coffee shops
across the country
closed their doors
at 5:30 p.m. for
what they called
KELLY
“in store educa-
YU
tion” for their
baristas. They
planned to close for three hours and
those stores who had late night hours
reopened at 9:00 p. m. In those three
hours, Starbucks baristas were learning
how to make the perfect espresso and
uphold their new mantra, “Your drink
should be perfect every time. If not, let
us know and we’ll make it right.” It’s
completely admirable. The idea that a
huge chain actually cares about the
quality of the product they are selling
seems almost too good to be true, espe-
cially from a big name like Starbucks.
While the huge commercial coffee
shop tried to heighten the consumer ex-
perience, some of Starbuck’s “loyal” cos-
tumers voiced on TV how the
three-hour shutdown down could po-
tentially hurt their business. This opin-
ion was only heightened when the other
commercial coffee giant, Dunkin
Donuts, decided to take advantage of
the Starbucks blackout by charging cus-
tomers only 99 cents for any small latte
or coffee. One woman said that perhaps
because of the three hour shut down,
she would switch her loyalties to
Dunkin Donuts. On top of the three
hour shutdown, she also noted that her
last caramel macchiato tasted terrible.
I want to know what kind of drug
this lady took that deprived her of logi-
cal judgment. When I first heard that
Starbucks was closing its doors across
the nation in the middle of the day, I
thought they were crazy to lose that
much revenue. When I read the press-
room release of the situation, I thought
it was very noble of the corporation to
want to improve the quality of their
espresso. Starbucks has long time been
seen as an evil commercialization of the
art of coffee making. However, after
years of expansion of stores as well as
menu, it has become one of the most
widely known brands in the country.
You can’t go anywhere without some
kind of Starbucks product close by. So
when I heard this lady on TV say that
she was going to switch to Dunkin
Donuts because Starbucks was closed
for three hours, I wondered what kind
of idiot consumer would switch coffee
shops because she desperately needed a
Starbucks fix at 8 pm. Even the televi-
sion news stations tried to spin Star-
bucks’ training as a publicity stunt in
order to increase their clientele and re-
vive their slumping profits. The un-
named station then compared the net
profits of Starbucks to Dunkin Donuts
and McDonald’s. McDonald’s? You
mean that fast food chain that recently
revamped their original coffee is now in
competition with Starbucks and
Dunkin Doughnuts? Are you serious?
The fact that Mac Donald’s stock has in-
creased more steadily than Starbucks
could be due to their more diverse
menu and the fact that MCDONALD’S
DOESN’T SPECIALIZE IN COFFEE.
It made me ridiculously sad to think
that some Starbucks drinkers would au-
tomatically switch to a different coffee
shop because they tried to make their
drinks that much better. Starbucks
doesn’t just offer great tasting commer-
cialized coffee. It offers ambience, edu-
cation on how to brew your own coffee,
and music so that even your home can
feel like a Starbucks.
If certain customers can’t appreciate
the kind of dedication and care that this
corporation is trying to put into their
product, then perhaps Starbucks would
be better off without such ignorant cof-
fee drinkers. Now, with the opening of
a Starbucks on campus, I feel like a pag-
eant girl on tanning day. If there are any
three vices a college student should
have, it’s sleep, sex, and coffee, and, for-
tunately for me, I may never have to
sleep again. So to all you people who
decided to switch to Dunkin Donuts
because of this minor shutdown, you
deserve your terribly Americanized
espresso with your four Splendas and
two glazed doughnuts. I’ll enjoy my
free WiFi and Damien Rice with my
raspberry scone. By the way, lady, Star-
buck’s caramel macchiato is the shit, no
matter who makes it.
The Stony Brook Press
Reminder: Scientology Raid, 3/15
You are enter-
ing my dark place
with Steve Jobs. I
want another
Coney Combo.
Those things are
like a hot dog, in a
Anonymous knish, that’s like
/lit two tasty things
inside each other.
Oh wait yea, tasty. Darkplace, such a
bad show. Oh dear god, so bad. So year,
Tom Cruise wants you money, he does.
Like Scientology is bad, really bad. Like
they killed people. No joke. Check out
xenu.net, they’ll tell you what’s really
In Praise of Brett Favre
On a cold win-
ter Tuesday, March
4, Brett Lorenzo
Favre retired. This
was a sad day not
only for Green Bay
Packer fans and
Matt Braunstein fans of the NFL,
but for sports fans
in. Favre quarter-
backed the Green
Bay Packers football team for 17
thrilling seasons, setting records and
milestones all along the way.
For the past three or four seasons,
Favre, who turned 38 this past year, has
flirted with the idea of retirement in the
offseason. Many believed that he would
return this year, following a season in
which the Packers had a 13-3 record
and went to the NFC title game. Favre
himself posted his best season comple-
tion percentage. His reason for retire-
ment was that he felt “mentally tired.” In
an emotional press conference on
Wednesday he said, “I could probably
come back and do it—suck it up—but
what kind of a toll would that take on
me, my family or my teammates? At
some point, it would affect one of those,
if not all of them. Maybe it has already.”
He won a Super Bowl, was named
league MVP a record three times and
set career records in passing yards with
61,655, touchdowns with 442, wins as
quarterback with 160 and interceptions
with 288. He holds the record for most
consecutive starts at his position with
253 (275 including playoffs), perhaps
the most impressive of all his records.
However, it was not only numbers and
stats that Favre was admired and re-
spected for. Rather, it was the way in
which he played the game. Ask any
football fan what words come to mind
when they think of Brett Favre and
you’ll hear things like grit, toughness,
loyalty, exuberance and passion. No
going on way better than I can.
But yea, British parody about some
80’s Steven King rip-off. Like bad, really
bad, like Scientology. And Squirrel king,
that’s bad, almost as bad as this article
I’m writing right now. Stream of
thought, stream of shit, same difference.
This is a DEFCON 24 situation. Yes, yes
it is. So I wanted to write a fan fiction,
but they told me I can’t write the story
that I want to be writing it because it is
a cool idea.
I-phones are cool, I want one,
ok wait, nevermind, scratch that. I look
at it this way, this story is really about
me, wait what? Umm I just lost track of
other player showed their passion for
the game of football more than Brett
Favre. He had a style all to his own.
Many will remember him for his
amazing resilience, both on and off the
field. You have to realize that this man
did not miss one single game since his
first appearance in a 1992 game against
the Cincinnati Bengals despite hand,
shoulder, leg, ankle and head injuries
over the course of his career.
He also has withstood many hard-
ships off the field, a characteristic that
fans identified with. He battled an ad-
diction to alcohol and painkillers, dealt
with his wife’s diagnosis of breast can-
cer, and even lost his Mississippi home
to Hurricane Katrina, all the while con-
tinuing to play and excite his fans week
after week.
In December 2003 on Monday
Night Football, Brett Favre played what
some say is the best game of his career,
posting 399 yards and four touchdowns
in a 41-7 victory over the Oakland
what I was saying, bullox. So “GET ME
REED!” “I CAN CALL YOU SKIPPER”,
look at Michael Jackson, check that
dude out, crazy man, crazy. What is
today? Oh wait its Friday. Someone can-
celed on my, that messes up my pay-
check getting thing, OH yea, monies.
If your reading this James, “I LOVE
YOU SKIPPER, both of you” I wish I
was watching that show. Lab results can
tell you who’s mutant son will kill you. I
want wontons, like good ones, from like
a good Chinese take out place.
OH, I know what I want, Egg drop
tofu soup, that stuff rocks, almost as
much as guitar hero. It really does. I gots
Raiders. What made this performance
special was that it came just one day
after his father’s death. After the game,
Favre said, “I knew that my dad would
have wanted me to play. I love him so
much, and I love this game. It’s meant a
great deal to me, to my dad, to my fam-
ily, and I didn’t expect this kind of per-
formance. But I know he was watching
tonight.”
His love of football is what defined
Brett Favre as a player. While other QBs
made the task look grueling and mo-
notonous, Favre always displayed his
child-like exuberance and love of the
game. It was not uncommon to see him
sprint down the field, raise his arms
after every touchdown, hoist his re-
ceivers on his back after a big score or
leap into the end zone stands at Lam-
beau Field, the Packer’s home stadium.
Later in his career, many remarked that
despite his age, he never lost the youth-
ful style with which he played the game,
the same way that fans play in their
Opinion 31
gituar heros, it be the bestest games
evers. If any ppl are copyediting this,
please don’t fix the previous sentence,
and don’t cut this out, yea, that mean
this sentence too.
Gave someone a hair cut, it went ok,
I guess. I want food, like egg drop soup,
or better yet, wonton soup. Justin kick-
ing the dam desk, girr -_- Sliced pep-
peroni, OMG’z I spelt that right, w00t J.
So if I had to end this, how would I? OH
I know, being that this is a /b rant, I
could ask if anyone has seen that guy
from Freakazoid, candle jack, that’s the
guy I’m talki—
backyards and at school recesses.
He personified the gunslinger quar-
terback mentality in the risks he took
when playing. When other QBs would
slide to avoid taking a hit when scram-
bling, Favre would dive headfirst into
oncoming tacklers and taunt them im-
mediately after. He was respected
around the league for having one of the
strongest arms seen in football. He
would thrill fans with bullet-quick short
passes and 75 yard heaves down the
field. His bullet pass was equivalent to a
96mph baseball throw, a fact that his re-
ceivers knew all too well. At least three
different receivers have broken their
fingers catching a pass from Brett Favre.
Few players in the history of the Na-
tional Football League have played for
17 seasons, much less with the same
team. Favre remained loyal to his Pack-
ers for 16 long years, through the highs
and the lows. He is now practically wor-
shipped as a god by the football crazed
citizens of Green Bay. They are not
alone in their admiration for this man.
He is liked and respected by teams and
players around the league, and has a
reputation for being warm to the fans
and media alike.
He is certainly one of the greatest, if
not the greatest, quarterbacks of all
time, and is an all but certain first ballot
shoe-in hall of famer. Throughout his il-
lustrious career he remained an inspi-
ration to fans young and old, and was
always a willing ambassador for the
NFL and the sport of football. Brett
Favre is one of a select few athletes that
has reached beyond the boundaries of
their sport to become a national icon.
As one fan put it, “You never knew if he
was going to have five touchdown
passes or five interceptions. He played
with a love for the game that was just
fun to watch.” May his retirement be
long and sweet.
32 Sports!!! Whammie!!! Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

British Columbians Traffic the Win

By Najib Aminy
With nearly six minutes remaining
in the fourth quarter, the Stony Brook
Men’s Lacrosse team found themselves
in a heated game with the Saints of
Siena. Goals scored by seniors Rhys
Duch (Victoria, BC) and Bo Tripodi
(Hauppauge, NY) helped secure the
first win of the season for the Sea
Wolves in their home opener.
Stony Brook had lost its two open-
ing games to #2 ranked Virginia and
#13 ranked Harvard in two very close
games, losing to Virginia 15-13 and
Harvard 9-6. Siena, coming off mo-
mentum of winning three consecutive
games, scored the first goal of the game.
However, Stony Brook responded with
five goals all by five different Seawolves
players. At the end of the first half, the
game was tied 8-8.
The beginning of the second half
was marked with a slashing penalty by
sophomore Steven Waldeck (Levittown,
NY) that caused Stony Brook to be a
man down. As a result, Siena sopho-
more Tim Rau (Lindenhurst, NY)
scored, breaking the tie. Soon enough,
Duch, scoring his second of three goals
with 13 minutes remaining in the third
quarter, answered the call.
Much of the same exciting back-
and-forth play was seen through the
end of the third quarter and overlapped
its way into the fourth. With six lead
changes throughout the game, both
teams had an opportunity of winning
the game in the fourth.
With ten minutes of regulation left,
As one can clearly see, that number 30 is a bitch. Sweet socks.
Siena freshman John Rogener (Dix
Hills, NY) picked up a loose ground ball
to cause a breakaway. Rogener’s pick up
resulted in Siena tying the game with a
goal by Siena’s sophomore Shaun Dunn
(Amityville, NY).
With a minute and a half of regula-
tion left, Siena scored, trailing only by
one. It was Tripodi’s goal that finished
off the other team.
The Men’s Lacrosse team is now 1-2
and will face the #8 ranked team
Delaware who are 5-0. Freshman Kevin
Najib Aminy
Crowley (New Westminster, BC),
scored three goals and three assists in
the Siena game and was awarded the
America East Rookie of the week, the
Najib Aminy
Go back to Albany and eat shit.
second time in three weeks. Other no-
tables were freshman Jordan McBride
(New Westminster, BC) who scored
three goals and two assists, as well as
senior Bobby Trenkle (Commack, N.Y.)
who scored a goal and assist. The Stony
Brook Men’s Lacrosse team, one of the
most prominent and competitive sports
teams on campus has its next home
game on Tuesday, March 18. At the con-
clusion of the game, it was a happy end-
ing for everyone.

Basketball? More Like Our Team Sucksketball

By Najib Aminy
After forty minutes of regulation,
both the Stony Brook Men and
Women’s basketball teams chalked up
an “L” onto their already disappointing
seasons. The men’s senior night turned
from sweet to sour as Binghamton ral-
lied from a seven point deficit early in
the first half and managed to keep the
lead for the majority of the game only
losing the lead once in the second half.
Seniors Ricky Lucas (Herndon, VA) and
Mitchell Beauford (Queens, NY) scored
ten points apiece contributing nearly
half of the team’s points. However it was
Binghamton’s seniors Mike Gordon
(Plainfield, NJ) and Richard Forbes (Far
Rockaway, NY) who scored fifteen and
sixteen points respectively against the
SeaWolves.
What looked like a promising win in
the beginning of the game took a turn
defeat. Eleven minutes into the first
half, Stony Brook gained an eight point
lead, 15-7, outplaying Binghamton. As
members of the bench replaced starters,
the Binghamton Bearcats erased the
deficit and soon were leading the game.
By that time, the momentum the
starters had at the beginning of the
game was long gone. The men’s basket-
ball team was playing a game of catch
up, as they gained the lead once during
the second half with 12:30 left in the
second half. Senior Emanuel Neto con-
tributed to the SeaWolves effort with
Najib Aminy
Water!
nine points and nine rebounds. Regard-
less of effort, the Men’s basketball team
lost 49-44.
Following the men’s defeat, the Lady
SeaWolves treaded the same path, as
they too lost to the Terriers of Boston
University, 70-58. What appeared to be
a competitive game, with the lead often
changing sides, resulted in the Lady
SeaWolves’ watching their chance of
winning grow slim. Though many of
teammates contributed with points, re-
bounds, steals and blocks, it was not
enough to stop the Terriers senior
Cherri Rafo (Morristown, NJ) from
scoring 25 points. Notable SeaWolves
were seniors Dana Ferraro (Middlesex,
NJ) with a team high of 13 points and 5
rebounds and Aly Young (Lodi, CA)
scoring 11 points and 7 rebounds. The
Lady ‘Wolves trailed as much as 18 with
9:46 remaining in the second half. They
managed to cut that deficit to 4 points
Najib Aminy
with 2:23 going on a 9-0 run. However,
with turnovers and poor defense, the Yeah I would cheer for a 7-23 team too.
SeaWolves lost adding another disap-
pointing tally to the loss column. off their season winning against Maine
The men’s basketball team finished in the opening round of the America
East tournament, only to lose to the
University of Maryland, Baltimore
County. The men’s record stands at 7-
23. It is noteworthy to mention, senior
Ricky Lucas is one of five students se-
lected to represent the America East
All-Academic Team.
The Women’s basketball team fin-
ished their season winning their Senior
night against Vermont, 77-37. Their
record is 7-22, and will face Maine in
their opening round of the America
Najib Aminy
What could they possibly be talking about?
East tournament on March 13 in West
Hartford, Connecticut.
The Stony Brook Press Sports!!! Whammie! 33

BOOM! Brett Farve Announces His

Retirement: A National Tragedy
When it came to playing games, have to fill some gigantic footsteps, for from getting up, I felt it was my obliga-
By John Madden that is what Brett Favre did—he played. which I recommend tough acting Tin- tion to do my jumping jack for Brett
He went to the stadium, suited up, actin—Boom! Favre. I did not want to let him down. I
walked on the field and played the No other human being can be Brett later found out that the foundations to
e NFL’s greatest athlete has le game. And a lot of the NFL players Favre because Brett Favre was always my house cracked, but it was worth it.
the game, leaving me in a state of de- today forget to play the game. But Favre Brett Favre, and the only way he was All for Brett Favre.
pression that no sweets can take me out was something else. He would warm up Brett Favre was by being Brett Favre— Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
of. Brett Favre has retired and I have de- with butterflies in his stomach— some- which meant being a regular person like Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
voured 24 pints of ice cream—in one thing I always envied, I could never everyone else, which only made Brett Brett Favre. He is my mantra; whenever
sitting. Cookies and Cream—now that’s catch those damn things. He still won’t Favre that much more like Brett Favre. I am in a tough spot, whether it is get-
a flavor of ice cream that provides cook- tell me how they taste. But that’s the Regardless of what anyone dare says, no ting into my pajamas at night or wait-
ies with some cream and gives a tingling thing, Favre was human. He breathed, other player could compare themselves ing on line at Kentucky Fried Chicken,
sensation all through out your body. walked and talked like everyone else. to Brett Favre, not even that chicken or whenever I have to shed my two
Sort of like Brett Favre, who gave me is resulted in all of America falling in drumstick Eli Manning or french fry cents on a play. Brett Favre, Brett Favre,
sensations whenever he moved. He love with Favre—because of how they Tom Brady. Brett Favre—oh I am doing it again.
made me feel young. Like I was playing could relate. Brett Favre was a football player. He My grief from Favre’s retirement
the game again, but instead of playing I If Brett Favre could be compared to threw the football when he needed to, will be everlasting. I feel football will
was watching. a dish, I would say it would be a tur- ran the ball when he wanted to, and did never be the same. Brett Favre was foot-
But really folks—we talk Unitas, ducken. Yes Brett Favre would be com- whatever he had to in order to win. He ball. He is an American that truly out-
Elway, Montana, Manning, Brady. I say, pared to my breakfast, snack, lunch, was a football player that played foot- lined what football is. A game that
stick a steak in your mouth and eat it— brunch, other snack, dinner, supper, ball. Wearing the number 4, Brett Favre Americans play—and have fun. at is
personally, medium rare. All these and midnight snack meal of a chicken inspired hundreds of thousands of peo- who Brett Farve was and I feel I will
players were just players. However inside of a duck inside of a turkey. Just ple. He inspired people by playing the miss his presence on and off the field.
Favre was so much more. I believe that as turducken is enriched with potas- game and being a football player. And Brett Favre is simply just the greatest
Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback sium, fiber, and protein, Favre is a mul- not a lot of people can be both a foot- human being ever.
ever to play the game because I believe tivitamin course meal that the Green ball player and inspire people at the Perfection, sincerity, athlete, hand-
he fulfilled my beliefs of what a great Bay Packers indulge in which allows same time, unless you are Brett Favre. some, courageous, leader, really good
quarterback should be—and I believe them to become stronger and better. Why, just by watching Favre play, I am looking, loyal, reliable, attractive, and a
Brett Favre is just Brett Favre, and he is It is said that football is a team inspired to do things that I never have football player—just a few things that
just one heck of a guy that loves to play sport. But honestly, Green Bay has no the time to do, such as exercise. So pop up in my head when I think
the game. at is what made Brett Favre shot of ever winning any more games. I when ever Favre would score a touch- “Favre”—as well as other parts of my
Brett Favre, he was simply just Brett feel sorry for Aaron Rodgers, who will down I would jump up and do a jump- body that pop up—but I will leave it at
Favre and that is why he was just so attempt to replace Favre. Rodgers would ing jack. Although I was very exhausted that—Boom! Brett Favre.
great.
As the quarterback of the Green
Bay Packers for 17 nostalgic years, Favre
did more than just throw the ball—he
threw it with the love for the game.
Favre would oen throw the ball with
his hopes of the ball being caught by his
own receivers. When Favre’s receivers
would catch the ball, it would be called
a completion—being that the pass was
completed. Many of Favre’s completions
led to touchdowns. Touchdowns are
points, and the team with the most
points more oen than not will wind up
winning the game. When Brett Favre
threw a lot of touchdowns—especially
if he threw more than the other team—
he would help his team win. Brett Favre
was a winner.
If Brett Favre was not throwing the
ball he was running with it. e quar-
terback has two options: option A, pass
the ball, or option B, run the ball. If
Brett Favre did not like option A than
he would chose option B. However, for
Favre, he would choose both options
and surprise all of us. I can’t tell you
how many pants I have made wet be-
cause of Favre’s unique antics. What
looked like a run, Favre would simply
run and then throw the ball—clearly
something that has never been done be-
fore in professional football.
34 Comics! Vol. XXIX, Issue 10 | Thursday, March 13, 2008

ESKIMO JIM BY DAVID K. GINN

The Stony Brook Press Comics! 35

The inception of my oral fixation

by Madgestic
Lusting for u
Like hunger is all I really do
I’ve masticated on everything possible
Finding the flavor of you elsewhere is just simply im-
possible
The state that I am in, my tongue, I almost hate it
It is as if what I have felt in my mouth, the texture of
you
In my head has cleverly been fabricated
Meals, candy, drinks, and all other types of crappy food
The taste of anything else does not satisfy me or
From me, true warmth it does not exude
Your soft flesh, I wish a piece of it I could steal
Like soft edible sweet sand, in my mouth, in my hands I
would feel
So I am left with flesh hanging off of me
Till I am satisfied with something in my mouth,
Anything that would remind me of tactile moments of
you and me
Death Egg Zone