Khushwant Singh's Joke Book #7

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SI NGH' S
KHTJSHWANT SI NGH'S
JOKE BOOKS
m - T i c K u m
^ j-
X I WW ^ - Tr i bune
Outrageous
^ ^ ^ ^ Hincjustan Times
\
KS at his best %
The Pioneer ( .
\
{ At f Moc t r S i n j A S t y l e
The Sunday Observer
WI TH CANDOUR,
WI THOUT MALI CE
-Times of into Funny X* Ribald
Hinclu
Khushwant Singh is undoubtedly Indian's best known
journalist and syndicated columnist. In the words of his
son Rahul Singh, Khushwant Singh, in his long and
distinguished career, 'has tried his hand at almost anything
that came his way. He has, in turn, been a lawyer, a
diplomat, a broadcaster (he has a very good-voice) a
Uni ted Nations official, an academic, a historian, an
editor, a syndicated columnist, an author and a publishing
consultant. In between, he has often been jobless. And
now he does what he enjoys the most: writing, provoking
and making people laugh.'
Born in 1915, Khushwant Singh received his education
in Lahore, Delhi and London. He is best known for his
award winning novel, Train to Pakistan and the two-
volumed History of the Sikhs, although his joke books
remain his bestsellers.
Master craftsman of his art, Khushwant Singh lives in
New Delhi.
Khushwant
Singh's
Joke Pook 7
Paperbacks
DELHI I MUMBAI I HY DE RABAD
Orient'
www .ortentpaperbacks. com
I SBN 81 - 222- 0376- 0
1 st Published in Ori ent Paperbacks 2 0 0 5
Khushwant Singh s Joke Book 7
Mal a Dayal
Illustrated by Prriya Raj
Cover design by Sandi p Sinha for Vi si on St udi o
Published by
Orient Paperbacks
( A division of Vi si on Boolcs Pvt. Lt d. )
Madarsa Road, Kashmere Gat e, Del hi - 110 0 0 6
Printed in India at
Rashtra Rachna Printers, Del hi - 110 0 9 2
Cover Printed at
Ravindra Printing Press, Del hi - 110 0 0 6
We are truly a laughable lot
We Indians are singularly humourless peopl e who find it
difficult t o laugh unless it is prescribed by a doctor and
administered as a dose good for our health. Go t o any
park in any city and you wi l l see mi ddl e-aged men and
women wi t h long, sad faces looking as if they had just
broken away from a funeral processi on for a f ew
minutes to rest their feet before rejoining it. They line
up on a l awn like soldiers on dri l l and awai t their
leader's command t o begin their exercise. He raises one
arm,- they fall silent. He brings it down wi t h a jerk, they
start laughing: hee, hee, hee haw, haw, haw
and bray like donkeys for full fifteen minutes. Their
leader raises his hand again. They fall silent. Put back
their long, sad faces, break lines and rejoin the funeral
procession.
Laughter cl ubs prol i f erat e. They pr oduce more
laughter among onlookers than they do for themselves.
They are a truly laughable lot.
Much the most l aughter-produci ng Indian jokes are
ethni c: at out Sardarjis, Marwari s, Mi anbhai s (urban
Musi i ms), Bongs (Bengal i s), Guj j oos ( Guj ar at i s) ,
Mul l oos (Mal ayal ees), Tam Brams (Tamil Brahmins),
Bawajis (Parsis). There are, however, severe restrictions
about who can tell them t o whom. Sardarjis can tell
sardarji j okes t o ot her sardarjis but if a non-sardar
cracks one, he may fi nd himself in troubl e. Peopl e of an
ethnic group enj oy jokes about themselves but resent
others enj oyi ng them. At one ti me sardarjis had the
sel f-confi dence of making jokes about themselves and
narrating them t o others. No longer,- they t oo have
become over-sensitive about others laughing at them.
Since I am the author of many sardarji jokes (most of
them pro-sardarj i ), I am often accused of making my
own communi ty the butt of humour. It is no longer a
laughing matter for me. I have been served a noti ce by
no less a person than the Dal megh Singh, secretary of
t he Shi romani Gur dwar a Prabandhak Commi t t ee,
dat ed June 1 5, 2 0 0 4 readi ng: ' We have been
receiving a l ot of compl ai nts about tit bits and jokes
about Sikhs, whi ch you often i ncorporate in this col umn
{This Above AH for The Tribune). General l y these
jokes make laughing stock of the entire communi ty, a
brave and patri oti c communi ty wi t h rich historical and
cultural heritage. You are requested t o ki ndl y desist
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from giving such jokes and tit bits about Sikhs whi ch
hurt their sentiments.' I can presume that if I di d not
desist from publishing such jokes, I wi l l be summoned t o
the Akal Takht as a tankhaiya, ostracised and suitably
puni shed. In the past I have recei ved similar notices
from Mar war i organi sati ons, the Shi v Sena and the
RSS, whi ch went even further and threatened t o teach
me a lesson I woul d never forget. Parsis remain my onl y
hope that they wi l l keep the flame of Parsi humour
alive.
Our povert y of humourous literature can be seen
every day in our newspapers and journals. Al l the strip
cartoons t hey carry are ei ther Amer i can or Bri ti sh.
Though we have a f ew good cartooni sts l i ke R. K.
Laxman, Vi j ayan, Rajinder Puri, Mar i o Mi r anda, we
do not have any illustrating, amusing stories. Al l the
jokes they publ i sh are lifted from Ameri can and English
j oke books. There are qui te a f ew collections of j oke
books publ i shed in India. Wi t h one excepti on, all of
them l i f t ed from forei gn sources and passed of f as
original by their author: there is no copyri ght in jokes.
So plagiarism prol i ferates. The one except i on is the
series of Joke Books publ i shed by Or i ent Paperbacks
of whi ch this is the seventh. The chief reason of their
success (everyone has gone i nto dozens of reprints) is
that they are genuinely swadeshi. Most of them have
7
been compi l ed from the t wo syndi cat ed col umns I
wri te every week: With Malice for One and All and
This Above AH. A f ew were sent di rect l y t o the
publishers.
In my letters t o my contri butors I put t wo condi ti ons
before I accepted the jokes they sent me: One, they
shoul d be India-based,- t wo, they shoul d be original. I
di d not always succeed in sifting the plagiarised from
the original, as some were l i fted from foreign sources
and ' Indi ani sed' by change of names from English t o
Indi an. The j oke was on me. Most came t o me in
English, Hi ndi , Urdu, Punjabi or Indian-English. I had
t o translate or re-wri te them in simple language. A j oke
whi ch a reader fails t o comprehend falls flat on its face.
Af t er goi ng through this seventh col l ecti on of jokes,
I hope readers wi l l agree wi t h me that it surpasses the
earlier six compi l ati ons by a long chalk.
J anuary, 2005
New Delhi
RIGGING EXPERT
A man wal ked i nto the office of a political
party and requested t o be appoi nt ed as its
election agent for the forth-coming polls.
' What experience do you have?' asked the party
secretary.
'I worked for ten years fixing sails on boats,' he
repl i ed.
' How does that help us?' the party secretary
asked.
I've become an expert in rigging,' he replied.
Cont. by Rajeshwari Singh, Delhi
TRUSTWORTHY MP
A tourist cl i mbed out of his car in New Delhi' s
Connaught Place. He said to a man standing near the
cab, Listen, I'm going to be onl y a
coupl e of minutes. Woul d you watch my
car whi l e I visit this store?'
' What ?' the man huffed. ' Do you
realize that 1 am a member of the Indian Parliament?'
' Wel l no,' the tourist said, 'I di dn' t realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway.'
Cont. by Mallika Nanda, Mumbai
10
SIMILAR PROFESSIONS
The patient watched the doct or insert the
needle into his vein for a bl ood sample.
Amazed at his dexterity, the patient remarked, I
di dn' t feel a thing. We coul d certainly use you in my
profession.' When the doctor asked what his
profession was, the patient replied: I' m in income
tax.'
Cont. by Reeten Ganguly, Tezpur
DOUBLE TROUBLE
Newl y-marri ed Banto observed that Santa, her
husband, was looking depressed and sullen for qui te
some time. Being a concerned and duti ful Indian wi fe,
one day she asked, Dear, I know for sure
there's something that is troubling you
mentally but let me tell you, your tensions
are not just yours alone any more, they are
(( >> >
ours .
Oh, I'm so much relieved. It's so nice of you to
think like that,' Santa opened up. Act ual l y, we have
just received a letter from my ex-girlfriend in Jalandhar
and she says she's pregnant wi t h our chi l d!'
Cont. by Shashank Shekhar, Mumbai
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SECURITY NOTIFICATION
We have just been noti fi ed by security that
there have been six suspected terrorists
worki ng out of your office. Five of the six have been
apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goof i n,
Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken i nto
custody.
Security advised us that they coul d find no one
fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin
Worki n, at your office. Security is confi dent that
anyone who looks like Bin Worki n wi l l be easy t o
spot. You are obvi ousl y not a suspect at this time.
Cont. by Amir C. Tuteja, Washington DC
SURPRISE
An ol d lady went t o purchase wool to knit her dog a
sweater.
' How bi g is he?' asked the sales-girl
behi nd the counter. 'If you bring the dog in,
I'll be able t o j udge the amount of wool
you' l l need,' suggested the girl.
' Oh! I coul dn' t do that,' exclaimed the ol d lady, 'It
is supposed t o be a surprise for him.'
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/ 7 > s DECISION MAKER
A Punjabi coupl e were always having bitter
quarrels wi t h each other. One day a
neighbour who was a friend of the husband came to
reason wi t h his friend's wi fe: 'Bhainji, l ook at us. My
Banto and I never quarrel because right from the
beginning we agreed t o di vi de our responsibilities for
all times to come. I make the important decisions and
my Banto looks after the details.'
' But how do you deci de what is i mportant and
what is detai l ?' asked the neighbour' s wi fe.
' Simple! my wi fe decides what schools our children
go to, what doctor to send for when anyone is ill,
where we take our summer vacations, what kind of
car we shoul d buy. And that sort of thing. These are
matters of detai l .'
An d what are the important issues you deci de?'
'I concern myself wi t h the Indo-Pakistan probl em,
terrorism from Pakistan, Afghani stan probl em, and the
Mi ddl e East.
Cont. by Rishab Jain, Delhi
13
PARSIANA
There are t wo communities whi ch have the
self-confidence to laugh at themselves: Sikhs
and Parsis. Of late, Sardarjis have been getting a little
touchy, but not the Parsis. A Bawaji (Parsi), has sent
me a few samples of Parsi humour:
Q: ' What does one call a dead-drunk Parsi?'
A: ' Bejan Daruwal a.'
Q: ' What describes a Parsi pi mp?'
A: ' Naari Contractor.'
Q: ' What is a Parsi test-tube baby known as?'
A: ' Batl i boi .'
Cont. by B. T. Mody, Bang/ore
you CAN COUNT ON THEM
During elections, a candidate' s wi fe
delivered three babies. The nurse gave him
the news: 'Sir, your wi fe has delivered
1
tri pl ets' .
The politician shouted back, 'I wi l l ask for a re-
count ' .
Cont. by J. P. Singh Kaka, Bhopa!
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BEARD & ISLAM
The beard has been a tricky questi on,
especially in post -9/ 11 Islamic history. It's
val i di ty underl i ned by the fact that it made Pakistan
pace ace Shoai b Akht ar say somethi ng very bright
duri ng an India-Pakistan cricket series.
Saqlain Musht aq and Inzamam-ul -Haq sported
faithful beards, Shoai b came up wi t h something very
prof ound (and very quot abl e): 'Islam mein daari hoti
hai, ' he said, par daari mein Islam nahin.'
Avirook Sen in Hindustan Times
NUMBER PLATE PRAVER
Seen wri tten at the back of a truck in Bhopal :
Maalik sab ka bhalaa karey,
Par shuruaat hum say karey
( May Go d be good t o everyone,
But wi t h me first he must begi n. )
Cont. by J. P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal
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DRESS SENSE
' But my dear,' gushed the pretty girl in the
railway compartment, ' One must have the
right clothes. When I go riding, I wear breeches.
When I go out in the evening, I wear an evening
dress...'
'Really,' i nterrupted the young man next t o her,
And what do you wear at bi rthday parties?'
Cont. by Reeten Ganguly, Si/char
METAMORPHOSIS AND OTHER STORIES
There are three stages in a married
woman' s life. First, she is Chandra
Mukhi, then Surya Mukhi and lastly
Jwala Mukhi.
Cont. by G. C. Bhandari, Meerut
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WIDOW INSURANCE
Santa was onl y 50 years ol d when he was
di agnosed wi t h terminal cancer. When
friends came t o solace him he t ol d them he was
suffering from AIDS. Hi s son protested: ' You have
cancer, why are you telling everyone you have AI DS?'
Putter, your mother is still young. If I di ed of
cancer, my friends wi l l come visiting my home t o see
her. If they think I di ed of AIDS, they wi l l keep their
di stance.'
Cont. by Bhagwant Singh, Patia/a
MOVING ADVICE
Seen on the back of a truck on the Chandi garh-
Ambal a Hi ghway
Je juande rahe, taan baar-baar mi/aange,
Nahin taan mitraa, Haridwar mi/aange.
(If I conti nue t o breathe my life, we shall
meet again and again; If not buddy, we shall be
meeting at Hari dwar. )
Cont. by Visha! Goyal, Chandigarh
18
THREE QUESTIONS
One: Can an Indian missile test be cal l ed 'Agni
pariksha' ?
Two: 'If there is no north-south integration in our
country, how come the spokespersons for bot h
our main north Indian parties, the BJP and the
Congress, are from Andhr a?'
Three: ' Why is it that when our roads are becomi ng
more and more crowded, we are bui l di ng cars
that can go faster and faster?'
Cont. by Rajeshwari Singh, New Delhi ,
19
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
Two men were arrested and charged wi t h
vagrancy. ' Where do you live?' the j udge
asked the first man.
' My address is everywhere,' replied the fellow wi th
a wi de sweep of his arms. The fields, the woods, the
mountains, the beach...'
The j udge turned to the other vagrant and asked
' And where do you live?'
' Me?' said the man, 'I live next door t o him.'
A LITTLE LESS
A gentleman hired an auto-rickshaw from New Delhi
railway station to his residence in
Govi ndpuri for Rs 70. Af t er reaching his
destination, the auto-rickshaw driver refused
to go inside the narrow lane in whi ch his
passenger lived and said, ' It is onl y a little
distance, please wal k down. ' The gentleman pai d him
Rs 60 and replied: I have given you onl y a little less.'
Cont. by Parima! Sarkar, New Delhi
20
MEETING EXPENSES
^ A senior marketing executive was lamenting
the effect of inflation and rising prices of
consumer products. He said, My wi f e finds it
difficult t o bal ance the budget and meet all the
househol d expenses.'
Hi s col l eague who was known as a happy-go-
lucky fel l ow repl i ed, My dear friend, it is not hard
t o meet expenses at all. They are everywhere!'
Cont. by R.N. Lakhotia, New Delhi
BRUTAL HONESTY
Banta asked his wi f e on their weddi ng night, ' Darling,
I don' t want t o hi de anything from you. I
was a real awaara (vagabond) before I
married you. What about you?' The bri de
chi rped back, ' You don' t know my father.
He got me married t o you onl y after our
loindali (horoscope) matched.'
21
A WEIGHTY JOKE
Barito t ook a t wo-year-ol d chi l d t o a clinic
and asked the doct or t o wei gh him. The
doct or said, ' Our children' s wei ghi ng machine is out
of order, but if you take your chi l d on the regular
machine we can wei gh bot h of you and then you
wi t hout your chi l d. We wi l l get his wei ght by
deducti ng your wei ght from the cumulative wei ght.'
' That won t do, ' replied Banto. ' You see, he is not
my child. I am only his maasee (aunt).'
Cont. by J. P. Singh Kaka, Bhopa!
PUNJABI WINDOWS
If computer wi ndows were in Punjabi then:
^JL Send: Sutto
: Insert: Wich pao
0 a Downl oad: Thale lao
( j i j l Trash: Mitti pao
' I ? Ct r l +Al t + Del: Syapa Mukao!!!
Cont. by Vikram Jeet Oarg, Haryana
22
PAPERLESS INDIA
An Ameri can returned from Delhi and t ol d his
colleagues, ' I' m really impressed by the Indians. They
have totally paperless offices. Even their bathrooms
don' t have toilet paper, onl y mugs.'
23
DISTANT TWINS
There was a time we used t o make fun of
Pakistan by quoti ng one of their own Punjabi
poets, Ust ad Daman:
Pakistan diyaan maujaan hee maujaan
Chaarey paasey faujaan hee faujaan.
(Li fe in Pakistan is lots of fun
There are armies whi chever way you turn.)
No w India is no different except, instead of
soldiers everywhere we have pol i ce constables
commonl y known as santris. So it coul d wel l be said:
Our Bharat is a Mahaan country.
Whi chever way you l ook there is a santri.
Cont. by Ravish Kishen, New Delhi
REMINDER
Seen pai nted on the wal l of Human Resource
Department in a large bl ue chi p company in Pune:
Hol i day is the time off given t o
empl oyees t o remind them that the
company can get along wi t hout them.
Cont. by Vishat Goyal, Chandigarh
24
PRIDE OF DELHI
A young woman drops her tiffin and a gentleman
falls on his face,
As they race for the approachi ng bus.
A crowd that had wai t ed patiently, peacefully,
restlessly,
Turns suddenl y athletic,
El bowi ng, punching, pole-vaulting, kicking.
Rubbi ng intensely as the poor lady is squeezed,
and sweating,
As the rest let out their spleen, curse and fight
As some of them laugh at her pl i ght,
And some wi th shirts torn and trousers down
Fume and frown.
Hai l my country, hail,
Af t er half a century of freedom
Whi l e the publ i c transport trips
And we ponder long and deep
We can feel proud that a family of three in
Can half a dozen cars keep.
Cont. by Kuldip Salil, Delhi
25
A PORTER, NOT A REPORTER
Once the head of Financial Management of
Kolkata Uni versi ty was travelling by train t o
Chandi garh. When he got down from the train, he
f ound that there was no porter on the pl atform to
carry his luggage. However, there were a few press
reporters. When one press reporter approached and
asked his vi ews on current affairs, the management guru
repl i ed: 'I want a porter, not a reporter.'
RADIO TROUBLE
This one is from my college days in India 25 years
ago. A new out-pati ent' s department bl ock was bui l t
at the medical college and a minister i nvi ted
t o inaugurate it. The dean t ook the minister
round the various rooms explaining what they
were. An d this, sir, is the new radi ol ogy
depart ment . '
The mantri-mahoday turned t o his PA. ' Our radio
at home has been giving us troubl e. Have it sent here
t o be put right.'
Cont. by Dr. Suresh Pathak, England
26
RUSTIC LOGIC
A traveller walking along a road asked an
ol d man worki ng in a paddy field how long
it woul d take t o get t o the next village. The ol d man
di d not answer. So the stranger went on his way. He
had not gone far when he heard a call: ' Hi , mister,
come back.' The traveller returned and the ol d man
said, ' It' ll take you about 20 minutes.'
' Why di dn' t you tell me that when I asked you?'
asked the traveller: ' How di d I know how fast you
were going t o wal k?' replied the ol d man.
YOURS FAITHFULLY
A l andl ord in Mumbai wrot e a note t o one of his
tenants, asking him if he wi shed t o renew the lease of
the flat he was occupyi ng.
The tenant replied back briefly: ' Dear
sir, I remain, yours faithfully.'
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SEX PROBLEM
An 80-year- ol d man was having an annual
physical check-up. As the doctor was
listening t o his heart wi th the stethoscope, he began
muttering, ' Oh, oh!' The man asked the doctor,
' What is wrong r
' Wel l / said the doctor, ' you have a serious heart
murmur. Do you smoke?'
' No, ' repl i ed the man.
Do you dri nk?'
' No, ' replied the man.
' Do you have sex?'
'Yes, I do! '
' Wel l , ' said the doctor, ' I' m afraid wi t h this heart
murmur, you' l l have to give up half your sex life.'
Looki ng perpl exed, the ol d man said, ' Whi ch half
the looking or the thinking?'
Cont. by Amir C. Tuteja, Washington
28
SMART SANTA
Boss tells his new empl oyee, Santa, I'll give you 8
rupees an hour starting today, and in three months I'll
raise it t o 10 rupees an hour. So when woul d you like
to start?'
Santa repl i ed, ' In 3 months.'
Cont. by Vandith Agarwal, Salem
29
DRUNK BLIND
^ Af t er getting his pay, a man went on a binge
for t wo days. When he went back home, his
wi fe started berating him. The man asked why she was
so angry. How woul d you feel if you di d not see me for
t wo days?' she asked.
' I' d love i t!' he replied. He di d not see his wi fe
on Monday or Tuesday. On Wednesday he saw her
out of the corners of his eyes when the swelling went
down.
THE 600D WIFE
Before going to bed, an acquaintance of mine always
takes t wo cups of tea upstairs for himself and his wi fe.
One night he was doi ng this when he
fell down the stairs, breaking several ribs
and a shoulder. Hi s wi f e was already
asleep, and he lay for hours before he
managed to wake her.
When she finally discovered him, she called the
doctor, who asked if he had broken anything. 'Ves,'
she said indignantly, Two of my best cups.'
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HARYANVIIQ
A Haryanvi once appl i ed for admission t o a
medi cal college. Needl ess t o say, he never
made it. You know why? Because this is how he
defi ned these medical terms in the exam:
Antibody: Agai nst everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door t o a cafeteria.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Cat scan: Searching for a lost kitty.
Coma: Punctuati on mark.
Caesarean section: A district in Rome.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker-pl ayi ng.
Cortizone: Ar ea around local court-house.
Cyst Short for sister.
Diagnosis: Person wi t h a slanted nose.
Dilate: The late British princess Di ana.
Duodenum: Coupl e in jeans.
Enema:Not a friend.
Gall bladder: Bl adder in a girl.
Cont. by George Coe/ho, Mumbai
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V ^ /
K H U S H WA N T S I N 6 H
'
S MA D B H A N e PART Y
Peopl e accuse me of bei ng biased against
the saffronites and refusing t o l ook at their
poi nt of vi ew. So I deci ded t o invite a few of their
spokesmen t o a party and exchange vi ews. Since they
di sapprove of all things foreign, instead of Scotch
whi sky and canapes, I had a matka of freshly-made
bhang prepared and pakodas t o go wi t h it.
My guests poured bhang into their kasoras and made
noises of approval on its taste. I opened the dialogue:
'Friends, I am very concerned about the future of our
country and the ever-increasing civil unrest: Hi ndu-
Musl i m riots, lynching of Christians and Dalits and
contempt of law. We are also often on the brink of war
against our neighbour Pakistan. You, sir, who know the
past and the future, what do you think is in store for us?'
I asked Jyotishi/X
He first snubbed me. You wri te such nonsense
about me and wi thout knowi ng anything about
astrology call it hocus pocus. However, I overlook it as
the rantings of an ignoramus and answer your questions.
First, about a likely war wi t h Pakistan. I have examined
the horoscopes of our prime minister, defence minister
and the C- n- C. Al l are favourable. I have not yet got
the places and dates of births of mianbhais in charge on
the other side of the border. I've ordered RAW t o
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collect information about the exact times and locations
of their places of birth. Once I get this necessary data,
I wi l l be in a better posi ti on t o answer this
part of your question. As for internal turmoil,
Bharatvarsha is passing through a malignant
combi nati on of t wo planets. As soon as the
peri od is over, peace and harmony wi l l return.'
I turned t o Ganj oo//. 'Shriman//) you have
reinvented a new WM D (Weapons of Mass
Destructi on) based on an ancient religious symbol .
Don' t you think it might also hurt our own peopl e?' ,
'I am not a doct or for nothi ng,' he repl i ed slapping
his chest. My new weapon is carefully designed to hit
only mianbhais, the likes of you and Pakistanis. Its
specifications are wi thi n those permitted by our laws. I
felt it was time t o replace the mugdar as a weapon and
invent something more in keeping wi t h modern
times. So I reinvented the trishul. I will
distribute it t o the masses so that it becomes a
WMD. ' He gave me a murderous look and
had more bhang.
Wi t hout wai ti ng for an invitation t o speak, Kachcha
Singh//' blurted out: ' What is all this bak bale about
mugdars and trishulsl Haven' t you heard of the
kirpanl My forefathers swept across northern India
wavi ng their kirpans. We can do it again. Then we can
33
plant the kha/sa...\ mean the bhagwa...I mean the
tiranga jhanda on the banks of the Indus river.' He
hel ped himself t o three kasoras full of bhang before he
suggested a solution to internal problems. ' We have a
simple solution: we wi l l open guru ka langar
in every village, t own and city. A man wi t h a
full bel l y creates no troubl e,' he said, patti ng
his own paunch.
I turned t o the youngest of my guests, Sherputra//.
' You' ve procl ai med Mumbai is for Maharashtrians only.
What if Bangaloreans, Kolkatans and Dilli i<v<?/?s f ol l ow
your exampl e?' He thought over the probl em and
answered. 'Pooj ya pitaji rose t o power in Mumbai by
orderi ng all the Udi pi hotel walas t o get out and make
room for Mumbai kars. The probl em has become more
acute. We have no room for outsiders. I am not
concerned about Kolkata, Chennai , Bangalore or Dilli.
They can l ook after their own interests. There are other
constructive items in our programme. Our
sainiks pl ayed a heroic role in knocking
down that ol d mosque I mean the VS??/
di sputed structure in Ayodhya. There Z '
are another 300 or more awai ti ng
demol i ti on.'
I turned to the eldest in our group, Fundoo//.
Fundooj i , since you have been the source of inspiration
34
for my friends, coul d you enlighten us wi t h your views of
the India of your dreams?'
' Not India but Bharatvarsha, Akhand Bharat
extending from the Indus t o the borders of Myanmar.
Al l those who accept it as their fatherland and
holyland wi l l be entitled t o full citizenship. Those who
do not wi l l have no rights. Gi ve me some more bhang.'
We had our fill of our national dri nk. It is better
than any produced elsewhere in the worl d. It
produces prof ound sleep and gives us sweet dreams
of our own making. And it does not give you a
hangover.
Khushwant Singh
35
N0THIN6 BUT THE TRUTH
Dr Shyama Prasad Mukherj ee was a master
of repartee. Once, in Parliament, he was
discussing the Preventive Detention Act when the Home
Minister poi nted out the dangerous internal security
situation and asked him to face the truth. ' How can I face
the truth', retorted Mukherj ee, ' when I am facing the
treasury benches?'
Cont. by Rishab Jain, Delhi
ADVICE FROM BEHIND
Wri t t en on the back of a Hyundai Santro in
Aurangabad:
Eat, drink and re-marry!
Discovered wri tten behi nd a Mar ut i Baleno:
Keep safe distance and don' t try to overtake mine
is a 'crash' course in driving!
36
WIN-MN DEAL
A husband and wi fe were having a bi tter quarrel over
wasteful expenditures. Finally, the wi fe started praying
loudly, 'Please God, if my husband is wrong, let him
di e. And if I am wrong, may I become a wi dow. "
37
UNSCHEDULED DELAYS
Fifteen minutes i nto the flight from Kansas
Ci t y to Toronto, the captain announced,
' Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.
There is nothing to worry about. Our flight wi l l take
an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three
engines left.' Thirty minutes later the captain
announced, ' One more engine has failed and the flight
wi l l take an addi ti onal t wo hours. But don' t worry...
We can fly just fine on t wo engines.' An hour later the
captain announced, ' One more engine has failed and
our arrival will be del ayed another three hours. But
don' t worry we still have one engine left.' Banta
turned to the passenger sitting on the next seat and
remarked, 'If we lose one more engine, we' l l be up
here all day!'
Cont. by Sunil Juneja, Delhi
38
NOT MY WEDDING CEREMONY
At a weddi ng ceremony when the
newl y wed bri de was bei ng accorded a
farewell by her parents, she had tears in her eyes. As
she wi ped her eyes, tears were also seen in the eyes
of one of her friends.
A baraati, a relative of the bri degroom asked the
lady, ' Why do you weep? It's not your weddi ng?'
The girl l ooked at the guest scornfully and
snapped, ' That' s the reason!'
BUSH AND BOMB!
Saddam meets Kajol and asks her how is
her life.
Kajol says, 'Kabhi Khushi, Kabhi Gham. ^
How about you?'
Saddam says, 'Kabhi Bush, Kabhi
Bomb.'
Cont. by Malvika Nanda, Amroha
39
NOT EDUCATED
Once the head of Mathemati cs
department of Delhi University was
travelling by Toofan Mai l to Mumbai . The dinner-bell
was sounded at the right time and he left his seat in
the carriage and wal ked down the corridor t o the
di ni ng car taking wi t h him a book what he was
reading.
When he sat down at the tabl e, he found that he
had left his reading glasses in his compartment and
coul d not read a foot-note in the book whi ch was
pri nted in a very small type. He called the di ni ng
attendant and poi nti ng out t o the foot note, said,
' Wi l l you be good enough t o read this for me.'
I am sorry, sir,' said the attendant, like you I am
not educat ed. '
40
THE ISI MARK
Banta: This bot t l e of mineral water is full of
germs, yet it has the ISI mark on i t.'
Santa: ' Qui t e right! Pakistan's ISI has marked it as
bei ng fit for Indians.'
'ULTA-PULTA' DEFINITIONS
Consultation:
A medical term meaning 'share the weal th' .
Marriage:
A conti nuous process of getting used t o the things
one hadn' t expected.
Courtship:
A peri od during whi ch a girl deci des whether or not
she can do any better.
Atheist:
Someone who di dn' t at all believe in Hel l
before plunging into matrimony.
Boss:
A fel l ow who' l l raise the roof before he' ll raise your
salary.
41
SENSE AND NONSENSE
Banto' s mother-i n-l aw fainted. The doct or
came and asked her: ' What happened?'
Banto: ' Pataa nahin? Abhi abhi to mataji sense mein
thee, abhi non-sense ho gayee.' (I don' t know. Just now
she was in her senses, now she has become nonsense.)
Cont. by J. P Singh Kaka, Bhopa/
RI6HT DIRECTION
In a very large commercial bui l di ng in New Del hi there
were three stores owned and run by three different
businessmen.
The businessman who had his store at one end of
the bui l di ng put up a sign reading, 'Year-
End Cl earance Sale' .
At the far end of the bui l di ng, the other
businessman put up a sign that read,
' Cl osi ng Out Sale' .
The businessman who ran the store in the mi ddl e of
the bui l di ng got nervous. He was afraid that his
business woul d certainly be hurt due t o the t wo
promi nent signs put up by his competi tors. Hence he
put up a bi g sign that read: Mai n Entrance' .
42
HIRE PURCHASE
A furniture company sent this letter about
an outstanding account: Dear Mr Ghosh,
what woul d your neighbours think if we had to send a
truck out t o your house t o repossess your furniture
because you have not met your payments?'
Mr Ghosh' s reply: 'I have discussed the matter you
wrot e about wi th my neighbours t o see what they
woul d think. They all think it woul d be a mean, l ow-
down, di rty trick.'
DEMEANING
If lawyers can be debarred and clergy can be
defrocked, doesn' t it fol l ow that:
Electricians can be del i ghted?
Musi ci ans denot ed?
Cowboys deranged?
Model s deposed?
Dry cleaners decreased, depl eted, and depressed?
Baseball players debased?
Songwri ters decomposed?
Teachers detested?
Cont. by Sandeep Bhardwaj, Delhi
44
WITH AP0L06IES TO TAGORE
Where fear stalks the mi nd and the head
hangs in shame,-
Wher e knowl edge is twisted,-
Where the country has been broken into fragments
By narrow walls of caste and creed;
Where words are mouthed for short-term gains,-
Wher e insatiable lust stretches its arms
towards seats of power,-
Where the clear stream of reason has dri ed up
in the scorching heat of the forest
of communal flare-ups,-
Wher e t he mi nd is l ed backwar d by t hi ne
enemy
Into ever-narrowing thought and action
From this nightmare of licence, my Father,-
let my country awake.
Cont. by Noman Hamza, Nagpur
45
CHAIRMAN MAO'S WIT
A party of Ameri can pressmen were
granted an i ntervi ew wi t h Chairman Mao
Tse-tung. Af t er having heard the denunciation of the
Soviet Uni on and other imperialist powers, one of the
party asked the Chairman: 'Sir, what in your opi ni on
woul d have happened if, instead of John F. Kennedy,
Mr Khrushchev had been assassinated?'
Chairman Mao pondered over the question for a
whi l e before he replied, 'I doubt very much if Ari st ot l e
Onassis woul d have married Mr s Khrushchev.'
Cont. by Sangeeta Ajay, Delhi
GOOD READERSHIP!
Banta wal ked up to the front desk of the
library and said, I borrowed a book last
week, but it was the most bori ng I' ve ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and
there were far t oo many characters!"
The librarian replied, ' Oh, you must be the person
who took our phone book. '
Cont. by Amar Saxena, Jaipur
46
PROFESSORS VERSUS BAM BABUS
An academic knows what he can do and what he
cannot. An administrator thinks he can do everything.
An academic knows and realises that he knows a few
things about a few things. An administrator feels he
knows everything about everything.
An academic believes he can learn from others. An
administrator feels he can always teach others.
An academic believes in taking everybody along.
An administrator feels he can always ignore others
and bul l doze his own ideas.
An academic displays contentment. An
administrator is always di scontented because of
over-ambi ti on.
An academic is always ready to accept his mistakes
whi l e an administrator always tries t o find reasons to
rationalise them.
Cont by H.S. Srivastava, Delhi
47
SANTA IN HEAVEN
Santa di ed and went to heaven. When he
got to the pearly gate Saint Peter t ol d him
that new rules were in effect due t o the advances in
educati on on earth.
In order to gain admi ttance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer t wo questions:
1. Name t wo days of the week that begin wi t h
' T' , and
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The t wo days of the week that begin wi t h ' T'
are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, ' OK, I'll buy the Today and
Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I
expected, so your answer is correct. But how di d you
get onl y 12 seconds in a year?'
Santa replied, ' Wel l , January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter let him in wi t hout another word.
Cont. by Ajay Thakur, Delhi
48
MALE OR FEMALE
A man is killing bees. ' How many bees
have you killed t oday?' asks his wi fe.
Hi s repl y: ' Five: Three male and t wo female flies.'
' How di d you guess the gender?' she asks him.
Thr ee were sitting on beer bottl es and t wo on the
t el ephone. '
Cont. by G. C. Bhandari, Meemt
HOLV SABBATH
A former railway worker, aged 80, never really
retired. From his home by the railway line,
he counts the wagons on every goods train
that passes. One Sunday at a family pi cni c,
his son noti ced that he was ignoring a
passing train and asked, ' Why aren' t you
counti ng the wagons?'
Answer ed the ol d man: 'I don' t work on
Sundays.'
49
THE 6REAT INDIAN INVENTION
A student of Muni ch University was pl aced
first for inventing a machine that di d
absolutely nothi ng useful. The contrapti on
picks up slips of paper from a file, passes the sheets
through different levels, stamps them, crumples them
up and throws them i nto a waste-paper basket.
We Indians can take the credit for having invented
such human machines over half a century ago; they
can be seen in action in all our government
departments.
Cont. by Riya Rani, Coimbatore
ELECTION MANIFESTO
My aim is t o serve the peopl e
Who says this aim is sinister?
First elect me an ML A
Then I wi l l surely become your
minister!
To amass weal th is not a sin
Lakshmi is a goddess, not a wi tch,
Af t er all, politics is my profession
What though I became very rich!
Cont. by G. C. Bhandari, Meemt
50
DEMOCRACY, PAKISTANI STYLE
Nei ther a rat nor a cat,
Musharraf is a true democrat.
Hi s life, his family, his property,
He can sacrifice anything for democracy
Whi ch he has i ntroduced in Pakistan lately.
What ' s more, it is ful l -bl own parliamentary democracy
Wi t h the addi ti onal safeguard that Musharraf
is free
To dismiss his Man Friday, Jamali.
It is a cabinet form of government
In whi ch parliament represents the peopl e' s wi l l
Wi t h the added advantage that any of its decisions
can be annulled
By the Nati onal Security Counci l .
Damn George Bush, Blair, Bill Gates
Pakistan is a sovereign State.
Cont. by Kuldip Salil, Delhi
51
. . THE LAST WISH
\ j
n J An ol d Congress worker lay on his
deat hbed. When asked what his last wi sh
was, he repl i ed: 'I want t o j oi n the BJP before I di e. '
Hi s listeners were shocked. One of his sons spoke
up: But father, you have been in the Congress for
more than 60 years. Why do you want t o j oi n the
BJP now?'
' Because,' he repl i ed, ' I ' d prefer that a member of
the BJP di ed rather than a Congressman.'
DEUCIOUSIY VOURS
A just-marrried bri de laid the lunch for her groom on
the di ni ng table. Get t i ng romantic, she
qui etl y t ol d him, ' Darling, I have served
you my t wo favourite dishes dum aloo
and mix vegetables. Hope you like i t.'
' Darling, that' s fine,' said the groom whi l e tasting
the dishes, ' but whi ch one of then is dum alooT
Cont. by Shashanlt Shekhar, Mumbai
52
^GB"
6Ae BA6
A commandi ng officer issued the fol l owi ng
order t o his adj utant:
' Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hrs,
Hai l ey' s comet wi l l be visible in this area, an event
whi ch occurs onl y once every 75 years. Have the
men fall out in the battal i on area in dungarees and I
wi l l explain this rare phenomenon t o them. In case of
rain, we wi l l not be abl e t o see anything, so assemble
the men in the theatre and I wi l l show them films of
i t.'
Clear enough, the adjutant wrot e to the company
commander: ' By the order of the C O tomorrow at
2000 hrs, the Hai l ey' s comet wi l l appear over the
battal i on area. If it rains, fall the men out in dungarees
then march t o the theatre where this rare phenomenon
wi l l take place something whi ch occurs only once in
75 years.'
The company commander thereupon instructed his
company 2 I C : ' By order of the CO, in dungarees
at 2000 hrs tomorrow evening the phenomenal
Hai l ey' s comet wi l l appear in the theatre. In the case
of rain in the battalion area the C O wi l l give another
order something whi ch occurs once every 75 years.'
Snapped the 2 I C t o his company subordinate:
54
' Tomorrow at 2000 hrs the C O wi l l appear in the
theatre wi t h the Hai l ey' s comet, something whi ch
appears every 75 years. If it rains the C O wi l l order
the comet i nto the battalion area.'
And the company subordinate t ol d the man on
roll call: ' When it rains t omorrow at 2000 hrs, the
phenomenal 75 years ol d General Hai l ey
accompai ned by the C O wi l l dri ve the comet into
the battal i on area theatre in dungarees' .
Cont. by L. T. Rajesh Madhwani, Punjab
CHANNEL SURFING
I was compl ai ni ng t o a friend about the
quality of television programmes lately. I
watch very little TV, ' I said. 'I like the
real wor l d better.'
' You do?' asked my friend. ' What time is that
on?'
55
A SLIP THAT SHOWED
A scribe said t o a retired film actress,
poi nti ng t o a five-year ol d boy,
' Madam, is this your grandson?'
The actress got indignant and said, ' Do you mean
that I am so ol d as t o have a grandson of this age?
You are mistaken. He is the grandson of my younger
sister.'
Cont. by Nisapate, Hyderabad
GENDER CHAN6E
My wi fe was telling me about our daughter' s bi rthday
party. 'Bhalla came but Bhalli di dn' t, Khanna
came but Khanni di d not, Chaddha came but
Chaddhi di d not, and our neighbour, the
Director, came but his Di rectory failed to
come.'
Cont. by J.P Singh Kaka, Bhopa!
56
PEALS OF LAUGHTER
I laugh when George Bush says
In a mood of fei gned i ndi gnati on
' US attacked Saddam Hussein' s country
for it had weapons of mass destructi on!'
I laugh when Pervez Musharraf says
'I know what is in or out of order.
There may be terrorists in Pakistan
But I don' t al l ow them t o cross the border.'
I laugh when George Fernandes says
' To level against me charges of corrupti on
Demoralises officers and jawans of the army
It also amounts t o sedi ti on and treason.'
I laugh when D. S. Judeo says
' It was not I, it was Mr Dash.
Anyway, if I was the man on the vi deotape
It was for charity that I t ook the cash!'
57
PATI-UPY06
A man was taking his four-year-ol d son for
a stroll in the park. They came across an
enormousl y fat man wi t h a protrudi ng belly. Papa,
yeh kaun hai? ( who is he?) ' , demanded the chi l d.
'Beta, yeh udyogpati hai, (son, he is a bi g
i ndustri al i st).'
A little later they came across a pregnant lady.
The youngster want ed t o show off that he had
properl y i mbi bed the earlier lesson. 'Papa, yeh bhee
udyogpati hai?'
'No beta,' repl i ed the father, 'Yeh pati-udyog hai.'
(Translate that for yoursel f).
Cont. by Mahendra Kumar Rekhi, Rourke/a
INFIDELITY
Santa is not sleeping wi t h his wi f e these
days because someone t ol d him it is wrong
t o sleep wi t h married women.
Cont. by Radha Kashyap, Delhi
58
INNOVATIVE SANTA
Santa is speaking to his psychiatrist.
Santa: ' I' m on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me.'
Psychiatrist: ' Don' t you have phone in your car?'
Santa: 'That's a little too expensive, so I di d the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.'
Psychiatrist: ' Uh. . . How' s that worki ng?'
Santa: ' Actually, I haven' t gotten any letters yet.'
Psychiatrist: ' And why do you think that is?'
Santa: 'I figured it's because when I' m driving
around, my pi n code keeps changing.'
Cont. by Girish Chandra, Secundrabad
59
LALOO ROCKS
Lal oo talks to his son.
Lal oo: 'I want you to marry a girl of my choi ce.'
Son: "I want t o choose my own bri de.'
Lal oo: ' But the girl is Ambani ' s daughter."
Son: ' Wel l , in that case...' " V ^ X f
Next Lal oo approaches Ambani . ^ \
Lal oo: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Ambani : ' But my daughter is t oo young to marry.'
Lal oo: ' But this young man is a vice-president of
the Wor l d Bank.'
Ambani : Ah, in that case...'
Finally Lal oo goes to see the president of the Wor l d
Bank.
Lal oo: 'I have a young man to be recommended as
a vice-president.'
President: But I already have more vice-presidents
than I need.'
Lal oo: ' But this young man is Ambani ' s son-in-law.'
President: Ah, in that case...'
This is how business is done! !
60
HEARING AID
Santa realized he needed t o purchase a
hearing ai d, but was unwilling t o spend t oo
much money.
' How much do they run?' he asked the derk.
' That depends/ said the salesman. ' They run from
Rs 20 t o Rs 2, 000. '
' Let' s see the Rs 20 model ,' he said.
The clerk put the device around Santa's neck. ' Vou
just stick this button in your ear and run this little string
down to your pocket,' he instructed.
' How does it work?' Santa asked.
'For Rs 20 it doesn' t work, ' the salesman replied.
But when peopl e see it on you, they' l l talk l ouder!'
TRIPPED!
US Ai r i ntroduced a special half fare for wives who
accompani ed their husbands on business
trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the
PR department sent out letters t o all the
wives of businessmen who had used the
special rates, asking how they enj oyed their trip.
When reports last came in, letters were still pouring
in asking. ' What trip?'
Cont. by Priyanka Thakur, New Delhi
61
THE FIRST ECONOMIST
^ It is said that Chri stopher Col umbus was the
first economi st. Here' s why:
When he left on his voyage, he di dn' t know where
he was going.
When he got there, he was not sure where he
was.
And it was all done on a government grant.
Cont. byS.S. Dutt, Jamshedpur
LOVE AND POETRY
At a mushaira in Hyderabad, the compere,
Prof Zeenat Sajida, i ntroduced the eminent
Pakistani poet Faiz Ahmed Faiz, whose
wi f e Al i ce was an Engl i shwoman, in the
fol l owi ng words: 'Faiz Sahib makes love in
English but writes poet ry in Urdu. '
Cont. byJudsonK. Cornelius, Hyderabad
62
, . 3 PINTS OF PES IPARU
' j J
Santa walks i nto a bar, orders three pints of
'desi daru' and sits in the back of the room,
dri nki ng a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back t o the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender asks him, ' You know, a pi nt goes
flat after I draw it; it woul d taste better if you bought
one at a time. Santa replies, ' Wel l , you see, I have
t wo brothers. One is in Ameri ca, the other in Dubai ,
and I' m here in England. When we all left home, we
promi sed that we' d drink this way t o remember the
days when we drank together.' The bartender admits
that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Santa becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders t wo
pints. Al l the other regulars noti ce and fall silent. When
he comes back t o the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, 'I don' t want t o i ntrude on your grief,
but I want ed t o offer my condol ences on your great
loss.' Santa looks confused for a moment, then
understandi ng dawns on him and he laughs. ' Oh, no,'
he, says, ' Everyone' s fine. It's just that I've now qui t
dri nki ng.'
63
BOLLYWOOD SALE
An aspiring Bol l ywood script writer met
one of his friends after a gap of many
years.
Script writer: I took up full-time script wri ti ng for
Hi ndi films about a year ago.'
Friend: ' Oh great: have you sold anythi ng?'
Script writer: 'Yes, of course. My TV, all the
furniture, the carpets, the fl at...'
WHISTLE-STOP
A manufacturer was taking a prospective customer
around his plant. When the noon whistle
bl ew and workers hurried away, the visitor
was aghast. They' re escaping. Can' t you
stop them?' ' Don' t worry,' the manufacturer
said, ' they' ll come back.'
When the whistle bl ew again, the workers
returned. Later, the manufacturer started: ' Now
about those machines you want ed t o buy...' The
customer i nterrupted him. ' We' l l talk about that later.
But first tell me how much do you want for that
whi stl e.'
64
PTSI
THE WITTY AND THE WITLESS
Witless politicians make witless interviewees. And Indian
politicians rarely have the brains to say interesting things
about each other.
Woul d anybody use Mi chael Foot's descri pti on
of Norman Tebbi t for Venkaiah Nai du: 'a semi house-
trained pol ecat?' ( Okay, house-trained hi ppo. )
Woul d anyone dare say of Kapil Sibal, as was
said of Geral d Kaufman, 'a man who coul d start a fight
in an empty room ?
How about this, used originally to describe
Gor don Brown, for Jaswant Singh: ' When he leaves a
room, the lights go on' ?
And what about this remark about Harol d
Macmi l l an as a description of Vajpayee' s career. ' One
can never escape the suspicion that all of his early life
was a preparation for elder statesmanship'?
But alas, it woul d be t oo much to expect any wi t
from our politicians!
Vir Sanghvi in Hindustan Times
66
POLITICAL INSULTS
In many democracies nobody minds a good
joke or a wi tty political insult. Lyndon
Johnson is still remembered for the t wo snide remarks
he made about Geral d Ford: ' He' s been playing
footbal l for t oo long wi thout a helmet.'
And, more memorably, ' Gerry Ford can't fart and
chew gum at the same time' .
Mor t Sahl's question about Richard Ni xon
Woul d you buy a used car from this man?'
haunted Ni xon till he di ed. ^
And I still hear the joke about Reagan's library:
'President Reagan's library burned down. Both books
were destroyed. And he hadn' t finished colouring one
of them.'
Cont. by Vir Sanghvi in The Hindustan Times
67
MORE POLITICAL INSULTS
The British tradition of political insult dates back
many centuries. Wi nst on Churchill, now routinely
regarded as the greatest British statesman of all time,
made his reputation as the master of the insult.
Of Prime Mi ni ster Stanley Bal dwi n, Churchill said,
' He occasionally stumbl ed over the truth but hastily
pi cked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had
happened' .
Of the self-righteous and self-regarding Stafford
Cri pps, he said, Ther e but for the grace of God, goes
God! ' (Jokes about Cri pps coul d fill a whol e book.
Margot Asqui t h said of him ' He has a brilliant mi nd,
until he makes it up' . )
John Maj or said of the leader of the opposi ti on,
' Nei l Kinnock' s speeches go on for so long because he
has nothing to say and so he has no way of knowi ng
when he's finished saying it.'
68
Kinnock himself was no slouch at giving it back.
Accused in the House of Commons of changing his
mi nd on every issue by a Tory MP he responded,
' When I first came i nto this House I formed the
opi ni on that the Honourabl e Gentl eman was a jerk. I
have not changed that opi ni on.'
Many of Churchill' s insults coul d profi tabl y be
appl i ed t o Indian politicians. I stole many of his jokes
about Cl ement At l ee in the early years of Narasimha
Rao's Prime Mi ni stershi p because they all fit so wel l :
' A modest man wi t h much t o be modest about' . Or
sheep in sheep's clothing' .
Or 'an empty taxi drove up and Mr Narasimha
Rao got out' .
Cont. by Vir Sanghvi in The Hindustan Times
69
POLL KHOL
At al Bihari Vaj payee is known for his sense of humour
and flair for classical, understated wi t. In Maharashtra
soon after the famous reunion between Sonia Gandhi
and Sharad Pawar, he poi nted out the significance of
the date of the meeting Apr i l 1.
Accordi ng t o Pramod Mahaj an, Sharad Pawar has
become the Elizabeth Taylor of Indian politics. (The
context was that Sharad had like Taylor and
Richard Burton married, di vorced and then
remarried the same party.)
Venkaiah Nai du, on Congress Left front relations
Kera! aur Banga! mein kushti aur Dilli mein dosti?'
70
NOT KNOWN TO BE FUNNY, BUT...
Indira Gandhi was not known for being
funny, but she di d have an acerbic wi t .
Former di pl omat and senior Congressman Nat war Singh
recalls his meeting wi t h her shortly after he j oi ned active
politics. ' It was in 1984, shortly before she was shot. I
met her just before setting out for my constituency and
tol d her that I was getting a new wardrobe of khadi
together. She suggested that a thicker skin woul d prove
more useful,' he says.
Cont. by Harpa! Singh, Delhi
FAMOUS ONE LINERS
Nat war Singh has some famous one-liners t o his
credi t.
When he was heading the Indian Hi gh
Commi ssi on in London, he was asked how
many peopl e work in India House? Onl y
half,' he repl i ed.
When George Fernandes made several statements
about Kashmir militants getting free passage, Nat war
Singh had said, Mr . Fernandes suffers from premature
arti cul ati on.'
71
PRESIDENTIAL WIT
Abraham Lincoln is said to have been the
greatest wi t among all the US presidents t o
date. In 1858, Li ncol n ran for the U. S. Senate
against Stephen Douglas. In the midst of the political
campaign, Senator Douglas called Lincoln a ' t wo-
faced man.'
Lincoln replied: 'I leave it to my audience. If I had
another face, do you think I woul d wear this one?'
WESTERN CIVILISATION
Mahat ma Gandhi was one of the wittiest leaders
India has seen. On a visit t o London in
1931, for a conference on India's
political future, Gandhi was asked by a
British journalist what he thought of
Western civilisation. ' I think it woul d be a good
idea,' he replied.
72
MEN IN BUSINESS
A businessman client of mine asked me the types of
business peopl e I have come across during the course
of my profession.
My reply was: 'I have met three types of
businessmen. The first type of businessmen are those
who are successful. The second type of businessmen are
those who are unsuccessful. However, it is the third
type who are most amazing. They conduct seminars
telling the second type of businessmen how the first
type of businessmen di d it.'
73
TITANIC PART II
When Titanic was drowni ng, an Italian
asked Santa, ' How far is l and?'
Santa: ' 2 kms.'
The Italian j umped i nto the sea and asked: ' Whi ch
di recti on?'
Santa: ' Downwar d! ! ! '
Cont. by Vikram Jeet Garg, Haryana
6ETTIN6 PERSONAL
A coupl e was watchi ng a TV serial. The
man gets irritated by the way his wi fe was
taking the scenes t o heart. ' How can you
sit there and cry about fictionalised
problems of peopl e you' ve never even
met?' he demands.
The same way you can j ump up and scream when
some guy you' ve never met scores a century,' she
repl i ed.
74
PRICELESS CHARACTER
At a cattle fair there were a large number of
prize cows and buffaloes for sale. A man
desirous of buyi ng a good buffalo approached a farmer
who had a pair of fine-looking animals. The buyer coul d
not make up his mi nd whi ch one t o buy; so he asked
the owner the price of one as he pat t ed it on the
rump.
This one wi l l be Rs 5, 000, ' repl i ed the owner.
She is young, wi l l calve every year and is guaranteed
t o yi el d 10 kilos of creamy milk every day.'
The price seemed a bi t on the higher side, so the
woul d- be purchaser pat t ed the other beast and
asked: ' How much for this one?'
' Thi s wi l l be Rs 10, 000. She is mi ddl e-aged, has
never borne a calf, nor ever wi l l . Her udders remain
untouched by human hands.'
Flabbergasted wi t h the reply, the purchaser
demanded: ' What ki nd of cattle-dealer are you? For
a barren buffal o you ask doubl e the price of one that
yi el ds.'
Janaab, character bhee to koi cheez hai (Sir,
there is such a thing as good character)!'
Cont. by Prem Khanna, New Delhi
75
CLASSIC WIT
No one can talk about political humour in
India and not mention Piloo Modi . The
most repeated story about Modi is about his
response t o an accusation that he was showi ng
disrespect t o the Chair by turning his back t o it. 'I
have no back or front, I am round,' he def ended,
taking a pot shot at his own potbelly.
BUSHISM
Sampl e this: The ambassador and the general were
briefing me the vast majority of Iraqis want to live
in a peaceful, free worl d. An d we wi l l
fi nd these peopl e and bring them to
justice.'
George W. Bush, Oct. 27, 2003.
76
ELECTION WOES
Banta: ' Why are you looking so sad?'
Santa: 'I stood for el ecti on.'
Banta: So what happened?'
Santa: ' The EC al l otted me the "cycl e" symbol.
So I bought a brand new cycle.'
Banta: ' What then?'
Santa: ' Duri ng the first week of campaigning, my
cycle got punctured twi ce. And during the second
week, the cycle got stolen.'
Banta: ' Very bad.'
Santa: Worse was to fol l ow. Elections took place
and I got onl y three votes. So I lost my security
deposi t. And now my wi fe wants t o di vorce me.'
Banta: ' Why? Because you lost the election?'
Santa: ' No! She says she can understand me
getting t wo votes one hers and one mine. But the
thi rd vote must have been given by some girlfriend of
mine, and she cannot tolerate an unfaithful husband.'
Cont. by Rajeshwari Singh, New Delhi
77
, TIME SENSE
J .
^
J
Rohan: ' Why do you have a clock and a
calendar in your pocket?'
Sohan: ' The clock is t o serve as a reminder t o
those who take a long time t o relieve themselves.'
Rohan: ' And the calendar?'
Sohan: 'It is for those who take even longer.'
WIFE'S TUNE
In a debate in Parliament, an MP shouted
at a minister, 'I know on whose tune you
dance t o. ' The minister replied. ' Why are
you dragging my wi fe in the debate.'
Cont. by J. R Singh Kaka, Bhopa!
78
SALES PITCH
A shoe manufacturing company advertises its
products as follows:
Our shoes may not do wel l on Indian roads but
they hit their marks in Vi dhan Sabhas and
Parliament.
Cont. by Deepak Soi, Delhi
79
CYBER A6E WOMEN
Hard-disk woman:
She has a fantastic memory that never fails.
Internet woman:
She' s very di ffi cul t t o access.
Windows woman:
Everyone knows that she can' t do a thi ng right,
but no one can live wi t hout her.
Virus woman:
In other words, the wi fe. When you don' t expect
it, she comes, installs herself and uses all your
resources. If you try t o uninstall her, you wi l l lose
something. If you don' t try t o uninstall her, you wi l l
lose everything.
Screensaver woman:
She' s good for nothi ng but then she's fun t o
wat ch!
e-mail woman:
Out of every 10 things she says, eight are junk.
Excel woman:
She claims she can do a lot of things, but you
mostly avoi d checking her out.
Cont. by Rohan M., New Delhi
80
A MATTER OF PRIDE
Four Cathol i c ladies are having coffee
together, discussing how important their
children are.
The first one tells her friends, ' My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
Father.'
The second woman chirps, ' Wel l , my son is a
bi shop. Whenever he walks i nto a room, peopl e say,
Your Grace.'
The thi rd woman says smugly, Wel l , not to put
you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he
walks i nto a room, peopl e say Your Eminence.'
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle
' Wel l . . . ?'
She replies, ' My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",
hardbodi ed, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he
walks i nto a room, women say, " My God. . . "
81
AN6REZI HINDI
There is a sizeable corpus of anecdotes
about Field Marshal K M Cari appa' s
Hi ndustani . Starting wi t h his first speech t o the
jawans on Independence Day 'Aa/ ham sab muft ho
gayaa' (t oday we can all be had for free) t o his
famous admoni ti on t o a road-si de urinator
(untranslatable and unpri ntabl e), based on faulty
knowl edge of our bhasha.
To this collection I add a new anecdote narrated by
General Jagjit Singh Arora of Bangladesh fame. It
comes from Cariappa' s younger days when he was a
colonel. At a weddi ng reception given to a fel l ow
officer, a pathan and his bri de, Cari appa strode up t o
the blushing bri de, shook her by the hand and asked
her whether she had enj oyed her shahad ka chaand
honey of the moon.
82
VALENTINE MESSA6ES
X y j D u r i n g one of my peri odi c bouts wi t h The
Times, London, crossword puzzles, my eye
fell on St Valentine message pri nted alongside. There
were almost six hundred professions of love. I was
di sappoi nted t o find what little progress lovers had
made in expressing their affection.
Mor e than 500 messages said no more than the
three words, 'I love you,' or repeated the ol d
doggerel: 'Roses are red, violets are bl ue, Dizzie
darling, I love you.' There were many whi ch were
totally inane, t o wi t : ' Heffal umpus for breakfast,
heffalumpus for tea, heffalumpus forever, when this
week you marry me.' Lots use private language: ' Baby
bear loves horrid hedgepi g.'
Indian emigrants have also found entry in England's
love letters. One addressed t o Shrimati reads: ' Vou
sweet gulabjamun of my most del ectabl e dreams! If you
don' t know what t o do, lie back and think of your
Indian juice,' Many languages are used, even Persian:
Ba hazaran boseh (wi t h a thousand kisses).
Khushwant Singh
83
PREACHING THE PREACHERS
Religious preachers!
Cease from preaching
And ponder
What you have made of man!
Runaway from life...
Slave to superstitions...
Imprisoned by million myths...
Praying...
Chanti ng hymns...
Performing silly rites...
In his bi d for God realisation
Man has lost himself
compl etel y.
Religious preachers!
Remember always this
Man is the ultimate reality
Your God at best a means
For a healthy human life
Banish such a God
Whi ch cripples and kills
The human life...
Cont. by V.K. Kaul, Delhi
84
COMPARATIVE SURGERY
A Hi ndu, a Musl i m and a Sikh were
discussing the marvellous achievements of
their own brands of surgery. Sai d the Hi ndu, 'I know
of a vaidji who j oi ned a severed arm wi t h the use of
Ayurvedi c glue. You can' t even tell where the arm
had been cut.'
Not t o be out done, the Musl i m spoke: A
hakeem sahib has evol ved a new ki nd of adhesive
oi ntment. He used it on a fel l ow who had his head
cut off. You can' t tell where the neck was severed.'
It was the Sardar//s turn t o extol the latest
devel opments in Sikh surgery. ' We have gone much
further,' said the Sardar/7 thumpi ng his chest proudl y.
There was this chacha of mine who was cut i nto t wo
round his navel. Our Sikh surgeon i mmedi atel y
slaughtered a goat and j oi ned its rear half t o chacha s
upper half. So we have our chacha as wel l as t wo
litres of milk every day.'
Cont. bySumeet Thakur, Kanpur
85
W00IN6 THE VOTER
Travel by air, you pedestrian, and use the cellular, yol
vegetable seller
Why don' t you savour the feel -good factor?
And if nobody speaks t o you here, chat on the
comput er
Or watch the VCD
Our father, our mother, brother and sister,
O dear, dear voter,
We want t o see you in a state of mirth
For we know your price, we know your worth.
And if it is not enough, we' l l give you more
And still more, if need be
Till we say farewell t o the national treasure.
For we have deci ded to please you thus and
thus and thus,
O for heaven's sake, vote for us.
Cont. by Kuldip Salil, Defy
86
BAD ADVICE
Heard in a psychiatrist's chamber from a young
woman who has just been asked to lie down on the
couch: ' No, thanks, doctor. That' s exactly how my
problems began.'
87
KHUSHWANT SINGH'S TELEPHONE WOES
In Mumbai I once changed my tel ephone
number. For some inexplicable reason, my
new number was the ol d number of an el derl y Parsi
coupl e. So six of the seven calls I used t o take went
somewhat as f ol l ow:
' Hor mazd?'
' No. '
'Bearer, Seth kah gayach?'
Bearer i ndeed! I break i nto my how- haw
Oxbr i dge. ' I am afraid this is not Mr . Hormazd' s
number any more. I do not know how he is, nor his
tel ephone number. Please ring Enquiries!'
A week later, apparentl y, wor d must have gone
round that Hor mazd was ill. No sooner woul d I pl ug
in the instrument than calls woul d start pouri ng in. I
avoi ded pl uggi ng till after mi dni ght, when I was sure
Hormazd and his friends were fast asleep.
The tel ephone rang. I swi tched on the bed lamp. It
was 3 a.m. My temper was high. My thinking capacity
was very l ow. The Devil got inside me. A lady 's voi ce
demanded t o know the health of Mr Hormazd.
In my best Parsi Gujarati, I replied: 'Arre, soon
kehoon mai. Evan to rate gujri gaya'. He di ed last night.
' O khadai! Soon kaoch Bawa!' came the wai l .
Soon thayyunl What happened.'
88
'Kon jane-kai poochhoj na-please...'
I put down the receiver.
I realised t oo late I had brought troubl e on my
head. Thereafter the t el ephone rang again and again.
The frantic queries were all the same.
'Hormazd ne soon thai gayyun... We are comi ng
over right away. . . ' 'Mrs Hormazdji ne bolawani.
Please call Mr s. Homi . '
I grew ti red of repl yi ng. Hormazd ne dungarwadi
lai gaya chhe.' Mr s Homi is heart-broken. She
cannot speak.
But the calls conti nued. Whenever I pl ugged the
phone in it rang.
On the third day, I deci ded t o put an end t o the
nuisance by yelling i nto the receiver: ' Hormazd,
whoever the ass is, is not dead and I coul dn' t care less
whether he dies or lives. But, for God' s sake, leave me
al one!'
I pl ugged the phone in and wai t ed. It rang. I
pi cked up the receiver, but before I coul d begi n, an
irate ol d l ady' s voi ce came through wi t h searing
abuse:
' Marere mua luchcha, laffanga, you' ve been
spreadi ng the news that my poor Homi is dead.
Mare taro baap, taro baap no baap tara badha dear
ones! I shall report you t o the pol i ce. I shall have you
arrested...'
89
^ , FLYING COLOURS
^ ^ ' Af t er taking up a new j ob away from his
homet own, a young husband wrot e t o his
wi fe, ' I' ve been made assistant manager of the
company, a feather in my cap.' And later, 'I am now
manager, another feather in my cap.'
Soon after, there came a telegram: "I've been fired.
Send money for train fare.'
She wi red back: ' Use the feathers fly home.'
'I WILL WAIT FOR YOU...'
Santa to Sunita: 'I want t o marry you. '
Sunita: ' But I am one year elder t o you.'
Santa: ' No probl em, then I wi l l marry you
next year.'
Cont. by Sunil Juneja, Delhi
90
ALL IN THE FAMILY
A lady wi t h five boisterous children boarded
a train at midnight at a mi dway station. The
children were very excited and kept shouting
l oudl y disturbing the sleep of other passengers. One of
them rebuked the children and angrily tol d them to shut
up. The mother immediately took up cudgels on behalf
of her progeny and roundly tol d the passenger to mi nd
his own business. The passenger settled his score wi t h
the lady: ' Vou talk to me in the tone you use when
talking to your husband.'
TIPPIN6 SPREE
Af t er a week of ti ppi ng doormen, bell-boys, waiters
and everyone else, a tourist at an expensive hotel was
fed up. Then there was a l oud knock on his door.
Bell-boy, sir. Telegram.'
The tourist deci ded t o beat the system.
'Just slip it under the door. '
I i . i
I can t sir.
' Why not?' snarled the guest.
Because,' said the determi ned bel l -boy, It's on
a tray.'
93
HOLY BHASHA
A student was already on leave due t o his
father' s illness. He sent a telegram t o the
pri nci pal :
'Father dead shaved head
Go Ganga put bones
An d eat Brahmins
One week leave sancti oned.'
Cont. by Prem Kumar Jauhar, Gurgaon
BAPU'S LAMGOTI
A British journalist asked Mahat ma
Gandhi : ' Why can' t you cover your legs a
little more?'
' You wear plus-fours,' replied the
Mahatma, 'I wear langoti that is minus four.'
94
HEALTH CLUB
Seen wri tten at the entrance of a newl y inaugurated
health cl ub in Chandi garh:
Mi ddl e age is when the narrowness of the waist
and the broadness of the mi nd interchange places.
Cont. by Visha/ Goyal, Chandigarh
95
FAUX PAS
Here are linguistic lapses commi tted by men expected
to have better acquaintance wi t h English.
This one is attributed t o the late Radha Raman,
once a mighty pillar of the Delhi Admi ni strati on. At a
buffet dinner where a fel l ow Mi ni ster pressed him to
help himself t o some f ood, ' Not yet,' replied Raman,
Ti l eat onl y after the Prime Mi ni ster has passed
away.'
At a lunch when dessert was offered to a central
government minister, he wagged his head and said:
' No, thank you! I am qui te fed up.'
Vasant Sathe former Information & Broadcasting
Mi ni ster intending to compliment Sharada Prasad,
author of the text, and Satyan for the photographs in
the lavishly produced book on Karnataka, remarked:
' You t wo have immoralised Karnataka!' Vasant certainly
immortalised himself.
96
TEACHER, FEACHER
Whi l e interviewing an extremely
attractive lady teacher, the principal of
a Hyderabad college asked why she had left the last
post. 'I di d not like the family set-up,' she said. ' The
children were backward. The father was forward.'
Cont. byJ.K. Cornelius, Hyderabad
WHO DO you THINK I AM?
A Juni or Ar my Offi cer charged wi t h using insulting
language t o his Sergeant appeared before the
Commandi ng Offi cer. He protested by saying,
Please sir, I was onl y answering a question.
I di d not commit any offence.' ' What
questi on,' snapped the Col onel . ' Wel l , sir,
the Sergeant said, " Who do you think I
am?" and I tol d him,' was the reply of the Juni or
Of f i cer.
97
OF HOT D06S AND HOT PANTS
Lahore' s Viewpoint had a col umn by
someone called U No Who' condemni ng
such 'nauseating things as a young thi ng in ti ght bl ue
jeans devouri ng a hot dog at Kal l oo the Kababee' .
He writes: I am not j oki ng. Pakistan was not
created for such things as hot dogs and hot pants.
Imagine what it woul d mean if we go national and
translate i nto Ur du this thing, these hot dogs
garma garam kutte. ' Taubaf Tauba!...
HOT, INDEED!
A Mul l a wal ked i nto a ready-mades store and asked
for ' hot pants' .
The manager corrected him: ' You say
wool l en, not hot . '
' Very good, Sir,' said the Mul l a.
Now after all this he wanted a cup of tea and went
to a restaurant and called out to the waiter: ' O ye! I
want a single very wol l en tea...'
98
VACUUMED
There was this case in the hospital's
intensive care ward, where patients always
di ed in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11
a.m., regardless of their medical condi ti on.
This puzzled the doctors, and some even thought
that it had something t o do wi t h the supernatural. So
the doctors deci ded t o go down t o the ward to
investigate the cause of the incidents.
On the next Sunday morning, a few minutes
before 11 a.m., the doctors and nurses nervously
wai ted outsi de the ward t o see for themselves what
the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
praying, whi l e others were hol di ng holy objects t o
ward off the evil.
Just when the clock struck 11, Santa, the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unpl ugged the life support system so that he coul d
plug in the vacuum cleaner.
Cont. by P Mahadevan, Secunderabad
99
INDIAN CRABS
At an international seminar on the study of
Crustacea one section was devot ed to crabs
from different parts of the worl d. Separate species
were put in large glass jars wi t h muslin covers t o
prevent them from clambering up and escaping.
However, the jars containing Indian varieties were left
uncovered. Visitors noti ced this strange phenomenon
and asked the curator in charge why Indian specimens
had no muslin tops to prevent escape.
' You see, these are Indian crabs,' he explained.
' No sooner one starts going up another of its own
species wi l l immediately claw it back. There is no
danger of anyone getting t oo high up. '
Cont. by Parul, New Delhi
LALOO IN PAKISTAN
In the realm of urban sophistication
Lal oo notched up a lot of
admi rati on:
Aren' t India and Pakistan one?
Don' t bot h of them relish rustic fun?
100
, . BY THE 6RACE OF SATAN
j J
'
1
Lahore' s Gul ber g col ony where reti red
government servants have bui l t themselves
large bungal ows is popul arl y known as Rishwatpura
graft t own. This story is of a humbl e excise
i nspector who on the compl et i on of his larger-than-
l egi ti mate mansion had i nserted near the entrance a
marbl e slab wi t h the Korani c i nscri pti on Huza bin
fazl-i-Rabbi this by the grace of God. ( A very
common practi ce amongst Musl i ms). One morni ng
as the house-owner strol l ed out of the l awn t owards
the entrance he saw a man gazing at his mansi on,
praising its grandeur wi t h wah wahs and kya
khoobsi but also sheddi ng copi ous tears. The
mansion owner approached him and asked: 'Janaab,
I do not understand why if you like my humbl e
ghareeb khana you are also cryi ng over it. Is there
somethi ng that does not please you?'
'I think your daulat khana is wonderful. What makes
me cry is that you should give credit for it t o the wrong
person,' he replied pointing to the marble slab. 'It is not
Go d who taught you how to make money as an excise
inspector but I. You should have given me the credit.'
' And who may you be, Si r?' asked the irate
mansi on-owner. 'I am Satan.'
Cont. by Rishab J ain, Delhi
101
OFFICE, OFFICE!
In the last year of his service a certain Babuji
was made head of the cash section. Al l
vouchers had t o have his signatures before
they coul d be cashed. He i ntroduced a new system
whereby his pri or approval was requi red in wri ti ng
before any purchases coul d be made. It worked so
wel l that he deci ded t o i ntroduce the same system in
his home.
One Sunday his wi f e sent him a note saying that
the children want ed t o eat pakoras-, hence a sum of
Rs. 50 may ki ndl y be sancti oned for purchasing oil,
besan, paatak, etc. The husband recorded that oil
and besan had become t oo costly and beyond the
reach of a middle-class family like theirs; hence the
proposal was rej ected.
Next Sunday his wi f e sent another note saying that
she want ed t o accompany her friends t o a movi e;
hence an amount of Rs. 200 be ki ndl y sancti oned for
a cinema ticket and refreshments. The husband
recorded that the pay of a government empl oyee is
almost finished by the 20t h of the month and it bei ng
the last Sunday of the month, there was no money
left wi t h him. The proposal may be re-submi tted in
the first week of the next month. The wi f e got
irritated and wrot e an appl i cati on saying that she had
102
not visited her parents for long and should, therefore,
be granted leave for one month. The husband wrote,
' Leave granted, substitute may be arranged.'
Cont. by R.R. Bajaj, New Delhi
103
ONE FOR THE ENEMV
Posting some home-made sweets t o brighten
her husband' s Di wal i at Kargil, the army
officer' s wi f e wasn' t taking any chances wi t h his
health. A note on the outer wrappi ng read: 'If this
package arrives after November 10, give it t o the
enemy.'
DUMB WAITER
Once Santa vi si ted France. He went i nto a restaurant
and called for the waiter.
Surprisingly, the waiter was from Punjab.
Santa said, ' Donnez moi une biere.'
(Give me one beer.)
The wai ter said, Tm sorry, mujhko French
nahi aati.'
On hearing this Santa said, ' Oye tujhko French
nahi aati to jaa kisi ko bula ke /aa jisko aati ho...
mujhko beer da order dena hai!' (If you don' t
understand French, go call someone who does,- I want
t o order a beer! )
Cont. by L.R. Rastogi, New Delhi
104
, CROWD PULLER
V y Politician: ' I' ve been invited here to make a
speech. See, there is a crowd of over 10, 000. '
Opponent : ' True. If you' d been brought here t o
be hanged, the cr owd woul d have been 50, 000. '
WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD...
God and Satan got i nto an argument over the repairs
of the wal l di vi di ng heaven and hell. God insisted
that all the damage was caused by peopl e in hell and
Satan should pay for its repair. Satan was adamant
that they should share the cost. When
they failed to resolve their di spute, Satan
said: ' Let' s appoi nt an arbitrator and let ^ ' ' \
our lawyers argue the case before him.'
'I don' t mi nd having an arbitrator,' repl i ed God
' but you wi l l have an advantage over me. I have no
lawyers in heaven,- they are all on your side' .
Cont. by Suddha Basu, New Delhi
105
LEARNED BUUWALA
Shortl y after a coupl e moved i nto a flat in
a modest locality of the city, their
neighbours became curious about the man's profession.
Hi s wi fe, a somewhat flashy woman, t ol d everyone
that her husband was a Reader' .
The local peopl e were awestruck since there were
very few educated peopl e in the nei ghbourhood.
One Sunday morning, some neighbours called on
them and said, ' We' re so fortunate to have such a
learned man like you among us.' An over-inquisitive
neighbour asked him the name of the university where
he was a Reader' . The mi ddl e-aged man answered,
'I work for the State Electricity Board,- I am a meter
reader.'
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
To love means loving the unlovable,
To forgive means pardoni ng the unpardonabl e
Faith means believing the unbelievable
Hope means hopi ng when everything is hopeless.
Cont. by G.K. Chesterton, Goa
106
ONE LINERS
Behi nd every successful man, there is a woman. And
behi nd every unsuccessful man, there are t wo.
Love is bl i nd marriage is an eyeopener.
%
Statistics is like bikini what is revealed is
suggestive, but what is conceal ed is vital.
%
Wi se never marry and if they marry they become
otherwi se.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and give the
impression that you are stupi d than to open it and
remove all doubt .
The first lie detector was made from Adam' s rib.
Cont. by Mayank Shukla, Lucknow
107
BLOOD (V) TEST
Santa and Banta were sitting outsi de a
clinic. Santa was cryi ng bitterly. Banta
asked, ' Why are you cryi ng?'
Santa: 'I came here for bl ood test.'
Banta: ' So? Ar e you afrai d?'
Santa: ' No, not that. During the bl ood test they
cut my finger.'
Heari ng this Banta started cryi ng. Santa was
astonished and asked, ' Why are you cryi ng?'
Banta repl i ed, I have come for my urine test.'
Cont. by ParuI, Delhi
TECHNOLOGY TALKS
Banta once t ook an answering machine
home in Punjab and di sconnected it wi t hi n a
coupl e of days because he was getti ng
complaints from his relatives like 'Saala
phone utha ke bolta hai ki ghar pe nahin hai. '
Cont. by Sum!Juneja, Delhi
108
THUMB IMPRESSION
Son: ' Daddy, why di d you put your thumb
impression on my progress report instead of your
signature?'
Father: 'I don' t want your teacher to think that
anyone wi t h your marks coul d possibly have a father
who can read or wri te.'
109
WRONG IDENTITY
^ In a cr owded railway compartment one
berth was occupi ed by a man covered from
head t o f oot wi t h his bedsheet. A porter entered
and wi t hout much ado proceeded t o bel abour the
recumbent figure wi t h bl ows and abuse, ' O! Jagtara,
teri maan di; O! Jagtara, teri bhain di... etc. etc.
Af t er a whi l e the other passengers i ntervened,
uncovered the recumbent man's face and asked him
why he was taking all the fistcuffs and abuse wi t hout
a protest.
The j oke is on this fel l ow' he repl i ed, ' he' ll soon
tire of beati ng me and in any case I am not Jagtara.'
Cont. by Parul, New Delhi
THE REASON WHY...
Quest i on: ' Why is it that onl y one man in
a thousand is a leader of men?'
Answer: ' Because the other 999 are
fol l owi ng women. '
110
NASA TO MARS
NA S A was interviewing professionals to be
sent t o Mars. Onl y one coul d go, and he
wi l l not return t o Earth. The first appl i cant, an
Ameri can engineer, was asked how much he want ed
t o be pai d for going.
A million dollars,' he answered, ' because I wi sh t o
donate it to M. I . T. '
The next appl i cant, a Russian doctor, was asked
the same question. He asked for t wo million dollars.
'I wish t o give a million to my family,' he explained,
' and leave the other million for the advancement of
medical research.'
The last applicant was an Indian politician. When
asked how much money he want ed, he whi spered in
the interviewer' s ear, ' Three million dollars.'
' Why so much more than the others?' the
interviewer asked.
The politician replied, ' One million is for you, I II
keep one million, and we' l l send the Ameri can
engineer to Mars. '
Cont. by V.A.C. Nalalca, Sri Lanka
111
SARDARJI, PRODIGY
' You must have a lot of number t wo. ' Being
sl ow on the uptake, I di dn' t catch what the
cab-driver Sardar// meant. ' What is number t wo?' I
asked.
' Bl ack.'
I t ook umbrage. ' What makes you think I have lots
of number t wo?' I demanded.
' You are staying in a hotel whi ch charges Rs 5, 000
a night for a single room. In this j oi nt a sister-loving
bot t l e of beer costs Rs 300. Onl y those who have
number t wo stay in such places.'
I protested and named a wel l -known and
respected pol i ti ci an who was staying in the same
hotel . The Sardar// was not impressed. He is a dus
numberiya! You know what a number ten is?'
A badmash. I have neither number t wo nor am I a
number dus, ' I protested again. And there are many
others staying in this very hotel who are neither one or the
other.'
Name them,' he challenged. Anyone who goes
t o a five-star hotel is either t wo or dus. Or he is in
the gaurmint or wi t h a kompanee that makes a lot of
black. It is the same thi ng.'
112
I deci ded t o speak sharply. ' Sardar//, it is all very
wel l for you t o talk in this way about other peopl e.
What about you and your taxi driving fraternity?
Ho w often do you fi ddl e wi t h your meters? The
board in the hotel says: Santa-Cruz t o Church Gat e
Rs 150. Your meter reads Rs 240. '
He was unabashed. When all the wor l d does
420, why shoul d we poor taxi drivers be the onl y
ones who don 't do 420?'
I di dn' t know how t o answer that one. I deci ded
t o t hrow the ball in his court: ' Why do you talk in
numbers? Number t wo, number ten, number 420?'
'Because I am Sava Lakh ' (equal to 1, 25, 000) he
replied, stroking his long beard.
113
HELL HOLE
A desi dies and goes t o hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell
for each country. He goes first to the German hell and
asks, ' What do they do here?' He is tol d, 'First they
put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay
you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the
German devi l comes in and whi ps you for the rest of
the day.'
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so
he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as wel l as
the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that
they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is
a very long line of peopl e waiting to get in. Amazed he
asks, ' What do they do here?' He is tol d, First they put
you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes
in and whips you for the rest of the day.'
' But that is exactly the same as all the other hells,
why are there so many peopl e wai ti ng t o get i n?'
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric
chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and
the devil used t o be a publ i c servant, so he comes in,
punches his time-card and then goes back home...'
114
WATER OR PEPSI
A tenant went t o his l andl ord, a Haryanvi
t o make a compl ai nt regarding the poor
condi ti on of his roof. Ther e is non-stop water
seepage through the ceiling from the above flat,' he
l amented.
' Wel l , ' repl i ed the l andl ord, ' Tain bhada to deve
sai sau rupayya. Usma paani nahin to ke chahiye
tanne Pepsi?' ( You give a rent of onl y a hundred
rupees if not water, what else you expect out of that
Pepsi ?)
CIVIL ENGINEERING
Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, It was a mechanical engineer.
Just l ook at all the j oi nts.'
Anot her said, ' No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has thousands
of electrical connecti ons.'
The last said, ' Actual l y it was a civil engineer.
Who else woul d run a toxi c waste pi pel i ne through a
recreational area?'
Cont. by Mayank Shuk/a, Lucknow
115
EVERYDAY LIES
Your luggage isn't lost; it's onl y misplaced.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
The cheque is in the mail.
I just need five minutes of your time.
*
Open wi de, it won' t hurt a bi t.
You don' t l ook a day over 30.
I'll start my di et tomorrow.
Gi ve me your number and the doctor wi l l call you
right back.
Al l our operators are busy. Remain on the line and your
call will be answered shortly.
116
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE!
Here is a funny anecdote regarding linguistic
faux pas commi tted by those who assume
familiarity wi th a lingo wi thout really knowi ng it. I
recall an angry letter wri tten by a teacher of English to
the chairman of her school. Dear Sir, I wish to
resignate...' The sound of words often causes
confusion in simple minds.
A semi-literate but rich business man intending to
make a bequest to a co-educational institution was
dissuaded from doing so by one who wanted the money
for his own boys' school. Do you know that in the co-
ed school boys and girls share the same curriculum?' he
asked the donor. ' Moreover they matriculate together.'
To drive the point home, he added: And worse than
that they spend most of their time in Seminars.'
The bequest was never made.
Cont. by O. S. Bhatnagar, Mathura
MASS DESTRUCTION
A beautician guarantees a reduction of at
least 10 kg if you undergo treatment at her
clinic. She can rightly be called a WM D
a Woman of Mass Destruction.
117
AMEREN6USH
Ho w does it come about that one wor d
shoul d have different meanings in different
regions? Take the example of English as it is spoken in
England and as it is spoken in the Uni t ed States.
Across the At l ant i c it has become so different as t o
earn the name of a new language, Amerengl i sh.
Most English words are still recognisable in their
transatlantic reincarnation, but not all. There are a
few whi ch have assumed embarrassing transformations.
The most cel ebrated of these is the slang, fanny. In
the Ameri can edi ti on of Raymond Chandl er' s Farewell
My Lovely, Kl opstei n had spoken of ' t wo warts on a
fanny' . In the British edi ti on the same reads as ' t wo
warts on a behi nd' for the simple reason that whi l e
fanny is the front of an Ameri can female, it is the
posterior of the British memsahib.
A much shorter version of the same whi ch swipes
at yet another verbal oddi t y runs:
Across the sea the electric message hums
Assess is donkeys arses is bums.
In India t oo we have the same vocabul ari c
phenomenon. Why should a Dada be a grandfather in
Nort hern India, a respected elder brother in Bengal
but a thug in Maharashtra? Li kewi se a Kaka is like
the French Cadet , the youngest of the siblings in the
Punjab, but an uncle elsewhere. It woul d appear that
the one relative we are agreed upon unanimously in
denigrating is the wi fe' s brother sala.
118
TEETOTALLERS' PARTY
A doctor hopi ng to cure a man of his alcoholism
asked him, ' How di d you come to get so completely
i ntoxi cated?'
'I got into bad company, doctor,' he said. ' Vou
see, there were four of us. I had a bottl e of whisky and
the others were teetotallers.'
119
AS OTHERS SEE KHUSHWANT SINGH
Many of my readers see me as a name-
dropper and a poseur. P.S. Ranganathan of
New Delhi has parodi ed what he thinks I woul d have
written on the deaths of Tagore, Mari l yn Monr oe
and Karl Marx.
The obi t on the poet reads as follows:
'It was a rainy Sunday morning when I had the
opportuni ty to meet the Nobel Prize winner. Tagore
was at a seaside resort in Switzerland, the charming
landlocked country of Europe. I was just returning
after a t wo-mont h holiday-cum-research tour of
Polynesia, Hawai i and Las Vegas. I was working on a
novel for my publishers, Tom, Dick and Harry,
London. This novel was also to be published in
Ameri ca by Fung, Wag and Kneel Inc, New York.'
'I had earlier phoned Tagore for an appoi ntment.
"Sunday, 7. 30. Wi l l it suit you?" he asked in a clear
voice. " Oh anything will suit me except my suits
stitched in Indi a," I said. There was hearty laughter at
the other end of the phone. Surely, Tagore was a man
wi th a high sense of humour!'
'When I went on the appoi nted day, I was slightly
late - to be exact, by about 8 hours. Tagore received
me at the porch and offered me nimbu-de joiuce, a
120
delicious drink (certainly I di d not expect the poet t o
offer me Scotch). For the next forty minutes we
discussed the current literary trends. I was then vaguely
planning a novel, later to be titled A Train to Pakistan.
Tagore asked me what I was doi ng.
" Not hi ng of i mportance" I said. " Oh, you
Sardary/5 are modest t o a fault. Wi t h your
remarkable talent, whatever you do wi l l be
i mportant and wi l l certainly make a great i mpact on
the minds of intellectuals. Now, since we are al one, I
can tell you this. Your writings are qui te outstandi ng
and you are sure t o be awarded the Nobel Prize."
' Tagore was a great soul wi t h a great heart. He is
gone. I onl y wi sh that his statement comes true.'
About Mi ss Monr oe, the parody reads as follows:
' Mari l yn had a soft corner for me. It was just by
chance I was seated next t o her on a flight from New
York t o London. " Mr Khushwant, I
presume, I am Mari l yn Monr oe, " she \ /
i ntroduced herself. "Your name is familiar. / i 3 T \
But I am unabl e t o pl ace you, " I said
hesitatingly. " You must have seen a naked pi cture of a
Hol l ywood actress in Life. It was mi ne," she said.
' Then I remembered.'
121
And Karl Mar x:
A n outstanding thinker and a remarkable writer
who was fascinated by my writings. In fact he t ol d a
common friend of ours why shoul d I wi t hhol d his
name, he was Wi nst on Churchill wel l , Mar x was
telling Wi nst on that he was keen to translate my novel
into Russian. Wi nny that was how I used to
address him later tol d me this when we met at
Buckingham Palace for a party. I was thrilled by this
piece of news but I had to pol i tel y decline the offer
since another friend of mine was already at the j ob. If
my readers woul d not say I am droppi ng names, I can
say that the friend was no other person than Tolstoy.
This is what one ' K' can wri te about another ' K' in
this moment of great anguish.'
If this be the truth about me, it is time for me t o
take an overdose of barbiturates.
Khushwant Singh
122
SANTA vs KASPAROV
Santa is flying from Moscow t o Del hi . To
his surprise, sitting right besi de him is Garry
Kasparov, the wor l d chess champi on. Santa has
always been in awe of chess players, and i mmedi atel y
starts up a conversation wi t h Garry about the nuances
of the game etc.
Garry says, ' How woul d you like t o pl ay me for
US $500?'
Santa: ' But you' re t oo damn good. '
Garry: Ti l pl ay l eft-handed.'
Santa can' t resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov,
check mates our Santa in 8 moves...
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the
airplane.
Upon reaching Amri tsar, Santa tells Banta about
the game he had wi t h Kasparov.
Banta: 'Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa.' (You' re an
absol ute fool , Santa.)
Santa: Kyon' ( why) ?
Banta: 'Abe khote... Garry Kasparov khabbu hai.'
(You donkey, Garry Kasparov is a lefty, no wonder
he beat you l eft-handed).
123
SCHOLARLY BLOOMERS
Here is a Selection of answers given by high school
and college students in test papers and essays
submitted to science teachers (spelling errors
preserved).
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not
breath, you expire.
What is composed of t wo gins, oxygin and hydrogin.
Oxygi n is pure gin. Hydrogi n is gin and water.
Bl ood flows down one leg and up the other.
Arti fi ci al insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Cont. by Amir C. Tuteja, USA
124
, , PATRIOTISM
j J
1
A patriotic Sardar//' saw the Indian tricolour
fluttering in the breeze. He stood at
attention and saluted. ' Why di d you salute that
flag?' asked a passer-by. It has saffron for the
Hi ndus, green for the Muslims and whi te for all the
others. Not hi ng for the Sikhs.'
Prompt came the Sardar//s reply: And what do
you think the danda on whi ch the flag flutters
represents? Onl y the Sikhs.'
Cont. by Harps/ Singh, Delhi
ANNIVERSARY SURPRISE
On their anniversary a man gifted his wi fe a
lotus. In return she slapped him. He asked
why? The wi fe said, ' You gave me a BJP
symbol, so I gave you a Congress symbol !'
Cont. by Malvika Nanda, Jammu
125
PROFESSIONAL DEFT DEFINITIONS
Archaeologist:
Hi s future is in ruins.
Armyman:
Wher e one can still be a chi l d, beat a drum and
march t o the tune, dressed up in clothes that have
stars and stripes.
Actor:
Hi s emoti ons are rarely his own.
Bachelor:
Permanent Public Temptati on.
Banker:
A person or institution where you can borrow
money if you can furnish adequate proof that you
don' t need it.
Bar Attendant:
A spi ri ted server of spirits behi nd bars by choice.
Bureaucrat:
Ar dent fan of red tape who knows the
fine art of not doi ng a thing by deft use
of IFs and BUTs. He fol l ows one rule
strictly. This rule reads, 'If you can, don' t
move. If you must, move slowly. If pushed, move
in circles. An d if cornered, appoi nt a commi ttee.'
126
Critic:
One who see faults even where none exists and is
like a eunuch in a harem. He knows how it is
done; sees it done everyday; but is unabl e t o do
it himself.
Doctor:
The worse you get, the better he feels.
Dentist:
The doct or who finds his fortune in other peopl e' s
mouth.
Economist:
He rarely practices what he preaches.
Liar:
He doesn' t realize that his lie-ability is his liability.
Cont. by Visha! Goyal, Chandigarh
127
FOR SALE
A Mr s D. Thomas of Guwahat i put in an
advertisement in The Assam Tribune for the
sale of her cottage, and a pair of oxen. It is not
known whether it was the l ady or the composi tor of
the paper who was responsible for the ad that
ultimately appeared promi nentl y boxed.
It reads as fol l ows: 'For sale. Five bighas of high
land adjacent t o N. H. 37, 20 km from Guwahat i
ci ty on the way t o Sonapur, wi t h a small cottage,
electricity, deep tubewel l wi t h electric pump,
cowshed and a pain of bul l ach.'
Cont. by Reetan Ganguly, Si/char
WHO' S SCARED?
Teacher: Raju, tell me one thi ng. Who you are more
afraid of your father or your mother?'
Raju: ' Definitely, my mother, Sir.'
Teacher: ' Oh! But why are you not
afraid of your father?'
Raju: Very simple, Sir. That' s because he is
himself afraid of my mother.'
128
f w k
MANIA CURE
Psychiatrist: 'I guarantee I will cure you of your
mania.'
Patient: ' What if you fail to do so?'
Psychiatrist: 'I promise I'll give your mania back.'
Cont. by Ra/eshwari Singh, New Delhi
129
MADE FOR EACH OTHER
A husband and wi fe were playing golf when
suddenly the woman asked, ' Honey, if I
di ed woul d you get married again?'
The man said, ' No dear.'
The woman said, ' I' m sure you woul d. '
So the man said, ' Okay, I woul d. '
Then the woman asked, Woul d you let her sleep
in our bed?'
And the man replied, 'I guess so.'
Then the woman asked, Woul d you let her use
my golf clubs?'
And the man replied, ' No, she's left handed.'
Cont. by Puneet Sharma, Punjab
TOP SECRET
When Banta came home from work, his wi fe
tol d him: ' There was a letter for you marked
"Personal and Confi denti al ".'
Banta asked, 'Tell me, what was written in it?'
Cont. by J. P. Singh Kalca, Bhopa!
130
LANGUAGE BARRIER
^ An Ameri can visiting England asked at the
hotel for the elevator. The portiere l ooked a
bit confused but smiled when he realised what the
man wanted.
' You must mean the l i f t / he said.
' No, ' the Ameri can responded. 'If I ask for the
elevator I mean the elevator.'
' Wel l ,' the portiere answered, 'over here we call
them lifts.'
' Now you listen,' the Ameri can said rather
irritated, someone in Ameri ca invented the elevator.'
' Oh, right you are sir,' the portiere said in a pol i te
tone, ' but someone here in England invented the
language.'
Cont. bySumeet Thakur, Kanpur
SMART MONEY
Accept i ng money is an art of the arty
One that can be done only by the
smarty
Confronted by jeers have no fears
Just say that money is for the party.
Cont. byJ.R. Jyoti, Secunderabad
131
INDIAN MEDIA
The Economic Times
Is read by the peopl e who own the country.
The Times of India
Is read by peopl e who run the country.
The Statesman
Is read by the peopl e who think they run the country.
The Hindu
Is read by the peopl e who think they ought t o run
the country.
The Indian Express
Is read by peopl e who think the country ought t o
be run by another country.
The Telegraph
Is read by peopl e who do not know who runs the
country but are sure they are doi ng it wrong.
Mid-Day
Is read by the wives of the peopl e who run the country.
The Tribune
Is read by the peopl e who think the country ought
t o be run as it used t o be run.
The Hindustan Times
Is read by the peopl e who still think it
is their country.
The Asian Age
Is read by the peopl e who woul d rather be in
another country.
132
WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?
Mi t esh Bhai, a Gujarati living in the USA,
had a car accident. When he woke up in the
hospital, he asked the nurse what had happened to him.
'I'm very sorry, sir,' said the nurse, ' but you were
involved in a very bad car crash.'
Car crash! My Toyota! Is my car all ri ght?' he
asked hysterically.
'Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least
of your worri es. You lost your left arm in the crash,
we were unabl e t o save i t,' she said apol ogeti cal l y.
'I lost my arm? My Rolex watch! My Rolex!'
'Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your
worries. You are in a very critical condi ti on, but all your
family are here t o see you.'
He asked for his family t o be called in. A^ ^i ey
gathered around the bed, he called for each of them
by name. ' Leena, are you here?'
'I am here, husband, and I will never leave you.'
' Bhavi n are you here?'
'I am here, father, and I wi l l , never leave you. '
' Kirtesh, are you here?'
'I am here, father, and I will never leave you.'
' Wel l , ' said Mi t esh Bhai thoughtfully, ' Leena,
Bhavin, Kirtesh... if all of you are here, Who the hell
is minding the shop?'
Cont. by Ketan S. Shah, Ahmedabad
133
EYES OF THE BEHOLDER
' Why do you al ways admi re the eyes of
a girl by saying sharbati aankhein and
not sharabi aankhein V
' Because I am a teetotaller.'
Cont. by K.J. S. Ahluwalia, Amritsar
BANTA' S INTERVIEW
Once Banta at t ended an interview.
Interviewer: ' Gi ve me the opposi te for Made in India.'
Banta: ' Destroyed in Pakistan.'
Intervi ewer: ' Keep it up. '
Banta: ' Put it down. '
Intervi ewer: ' Maxi mum. '
Banta: ' Maxi Dad. '
Intervi ewer: ' Enough! Take your seat.'
Banta: ' Don' t take my seat.'
Intervi ewer: ' Idi ot! Take your seat.'
1
Banta: ' Cl ever! Don' t take my seat.'
Interviewer: I say you get out ! '
Banta: You di dn' t say I come in.'
Intervi ewer: 'I reject you! '
Banta: ' You appoi nt me.'
Interviewer: . . . ! ! ! ! ! !
Cont. by Parut, New Delhi
134
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
An oversmart customer at a bakery: ' Do you have
anything for a dog to eat?'
' Woul d you like to eat here or should I pack it?'
asked the attendant.
Cont. by Deepak Virmani, Delhi
135
, . SI6N LANGUAGE
3 J
<J A man was driving down a local street one
day and approached a stop sign. He
barely sl owed down and ran right through the stop
sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver di dn' t
know was that a policeman was watching the
intersection. The policeman pul l ed out after him and
stopped the car t wo blocks away.
Policeman: 'License, registration and proof of
insurance please.'
Driver: ' Before I give it to you, tell me what the
heck you stopped me for, man.'
Policeman: Wat ch your tone sir,- you ran the stop
sign back there!!'
Driver: ' Man, I sl owed down, what the heck is
the difference?'
The police officer pul l ed out his night stick and
began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: Now, do you want me to just slow
down or stop?'
Cont. by Riya Rani, Coimbatore
136
JAPANESE HUMOUR
Everything about the Japanese is impressive
save their galling inability t o learn foreign
languages (a Japanese Hul l o becomes a Haro) and
their queer sense of humour. They take their pleasures
very sadly. See them at their Pachinko parlours grimly
pouring metal balls in slot machines and you wi l l know
what I mean. Their favourite game is to pile match
sticks on the mouth of a bottl e. They seldom laugh,
but when they have had their quota of Sake (it takes
very little to light them up) then they roar. They find
a hole in a sock irresistibly funny. Their jokes have a
quality of their own. Here is a Jap version of a
honeymoon joke.
In the mi ddl e of the first night of his honeymoon
the bridegroom (married on his 25th bi rthday) was
roused by the telephone: 'It's me, your mother.
Happy birthday.'
Thank you Mama but why di d you have to wake
me up at 2 a.m.?'
'Because you di d the same to me 25 years ago.'
Cont. by Ketan S. Shah, Ahmedabad
137
RAIN IN MOSCOW
One bright, sunny day, Harkishen Singh
Surjeet walks out of his office in Delhi wi th
an open umbrella. ' Vou don' t need an umbrella; the
sur is shining,' says a comrade.
'I do, ' replies Surjeet, 'it's raining in Moscow. '
Cont. by Judson K. Comellius, Hyderabad
MODEL HAZARD
Arun: I see your son comes t o your workpl ace
everyday' .
Varun: 'Yes, I'm not happy,- he's
attracted to one of my models' .
Arun: ' He' s a young man. what' s
wrong wi th falling for a model ?'
Varun: ' What ' s wrong? I do men's clothing' .
138
TRAVEL TALES
Banta was talking to his travel agent
Santa. Oye yaar, I am about ready for
a vacation. Onl y this year, I am going t o do it a little
differently. You know, the last few years, I have been
taking your advice on where to go.
' Three years ago you said go to Hawai i . I went to
Hawai i and Simran got pregnant. Then t wo years
ago, you tol d me to go to the Bahamas, and Simran
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti
and Simran once again got pregnant.'
Santa asks Banta. ' So yaar, what are you going to
do this year that is different?'
Banta smiles and says, ' Yaar, this year I'm taking
Simran wi th me!'
Cont. by Shiv Nair, Delhi
BUSINESS EXPANSION
A man was standing at a corner of Park
Street, Kolkata, wi th a bowl in each
hand, waiting for handouts. A passer-by
stopped and dropped a coin in one bowl
and then asked, ' What ' s the other bowl for?'
'Business has been so good lately,' the man replied,
'that I decided to open a branch office.'
139
NEXT ONE PLEASE
In my nei ghbourhood a young coupl e
brought their new baby home. The wi fe
suggested that her husband should try his hand at
changing diapers.
"I am busy,' he said. Ti l do the next one.'
The next time came around. She asked again. The
husband was a bit puzzled. He said, ' Oh! I di d not
mean the next diaper, what I meant was the next
baby! '
MARRIED MAN
Al l men who hope to enter heaven have to queue at
one of the t wo gates: one marked, 'For. Henpecked
Men, ' and one marked, 'For Men Who Have Not
Been Henpecked. '
One morning Dharam Raj is amazed to
see a very long line at the first gate, and only
one little man standing at the second.
' Hel l o,' said Dharam Raj a little curious, ' Are
you sure you' re in the right line?'
' Wel l I really don' t know,' said the little man. ' My
wi fe t ol d me to stand here.'
Cont. by Gobinder Singh, England
140
BRAVE MASTER
y ' ^ f The mundoo (boy servant) came crying to
his master, 'Sahib, Bibiji slapped me on the
face.'
' So what ?' assured the master, have you ever
seen me crying?'
Cont. by Amar Saxena, Jaipur
STORY-TELLING
Three friends shared a flat on the t op floor of a fifty-
storied building. The guard informed that the elevator
wasn' t working. The men realised that they had to
climb the stairs. So, to pass the time, they
deci ded that one woul d tell a memorable
incident, a joke and a sad story y^ /
respectively. I
By the time they reached their floor, the
first t wo had finished their part. At last, the third one
said, 'This is my sad, sad, story. I forgot to bring the
key to our room!'
Cont. by N. Navaroj Anand, Tamitnadu
142
CATCHY SIGNS
A sticker at a General Practitioner's clinic:
Don' t laugh off any disease if laughter is the best
medicine, we woul d' ve found a way out to charge
you for it!
Not i ce on the back of a lorry:
This is my end don' t make it yours!
Sticker on a Tata Sumo:
If practice makes one perfect and nobody is
perfect, then why practice?
Seen wri tten outside a Meerut restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends.
143
FOUR-WORD DIALOGUE
My favourite story of the Emergency was
when I resumed pri vate practice in the
Supreme Court after resigning as addi ti onal solicitor
general in June 1975.
Two distinguished lawyers, bot h Guj arati -speaki ng,
C. K. Chandubhai Daphtary and S.T. Sunderlal
Desai, came in early t o the bar library and sat
opposi t e one another, occasionally exchanging
pleasantries, occasionally not. One morni ng, in
August 1975, when informers were around, and one
onl y spoke in whispers when one had t o, the
fol l owi ng conversation t ook pl ace and I was the sole
wi tness t o it:
Desai, hol di ng a cigarette bet ween thi rd and
fourth finger in a l oosel y-cl enched fist and occasionally
inhaling: ' Chandubhaibolo.' (Chandubhai , speak.)
Dapht ary puffi ng at his pi pe, his eyes sparkling
wi t h mischief: ' Sunderlal, tamey pahley bolo.'
(Sunderl al , you speak first.)
Then bot h fell silent.
Cont. by Fali S. Nariman, New Delhi

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