Deals in Space 01

DEALS IN SPACE!
A RADIO COMEDY
IN 10 EPISODES

WILLIAM PESKETT

Copyright 2014 William Peskett
This screenplay may not be used or reproduced
without the express written permission of the author.

DEALS IN SPACE! CONTENTS 3

CONTENTS

PERFORMING DEALS IN SPACE! ........................... 5
EPISODE 01: JOURNEY TO KALISTA-MM .................... 7
EPISODE 02: A CUP OF JUBIFROOT ...................... 33
EPISODE 03: THE SULPHUR MINES ....................... 57
EPISODE 04: THE SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS ........ 81
EPISODE 05: THE TRIAL OF TED AND DAISY ............. 105
EPISODE 06: THE VERDICT ............................ 131
EPISODE 07: WALDO RECEIVES AN OFFER ................ 157
EPISODE 08: JUST ONE MORE CLAW HAMMER .............. 183
EPISODE 09: MAN ON THE MOOON ....................... 209
EPISODE 10: WALDO, THEY LAY EGGS ................... 235
CAST APPEARANCES ................................... 259
GLOSSARY ........................................... 261

DEALS IN SPACE! CONTENTS 4

DEALS IN SPACE! ABOUT 5

PERFORMING DEALS IN SPACE!

Enquiries regarding performance rights should be sent
to the author at www.williampeskett.com.

DEALS IN SPACE! ABOUT 6

DEALS IN SPACE! EPISODE 01 7

DEALS IN SPACE!
A RADIO COMEDY IN 10 EPISODES

EPISODE 01: JOURNEY TO KALISTA-MM

2014 WILLIAM PESKETT


CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 INDUCTION COUNSELLOR Mechanised voice, strident
7 OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN Mechanised voice, soothing
8 CUSTOMS OFFICER Kalistan-mm
9 CURRENCY DEALER Kalistan-mm
10 PRIEST Kalistan-mm
11 FLIGHT ATTENDANT Kalistan-mm


MUSIC THEME

Scene One: Narration
NARRATOR: Is the worlds faltering economy
getting you down? Look up,
entrepreneurs of Earth. Above your
heads are billions of planets ripe
for ruthless exploitation. Get up and
go; cross the final frontier; seek
huge profits; do... DEALS IN SPACE!
Episode One: THE JOURNEY TO KALISTA-
MM.

Scene Two: Int Location, Spaceship
TED: (yawning) Id never have thought Id
feel this good after a 19-year
flight.

DAISY: (stretching) If you feel good after
one nights sleep, 19 years should be
way better.

WALDO: Youre right. And being frozen solid
wasnt as bad as Id thought, except
its difficult to turn over in bed.

DAISY:

The advantage of being frozen solid
is that you dont age, even on a 19-
year flight. The problem is when we

DAISY /cont:

get home the world has moved on by 38
years.

DAVE:

The deadline for getting my draft to
the publisher is the end of July. I
hope they dont mind if its a bit
late.

Scene Three: Narration
MUSIC NARRATION LINK

NARRATOR:

Though known to people on Earth for
its hostile climates and aggressive
inhabitants, the North-West Quadrant
of the galaxy is ripe for business
development. Many of the
civilisations in this fascinating
part of the universe have advanced in
different directions from us,
creating opportunities for exporters
in areas of technology that the
locals have not yet mastered, or else
not bothered with.

No region is more typical of the
quadrant than the star system of the
Smiling Disc. With travel links now
so convenient, a band of ambitious
entrepreneurs from Earth chose

NARRATOR /cont:

Kalista-mm, the larger of the two
planets of the Smiling Disc star
system, for a journey of discovery.
Let the intrepid travellers introduce
themselves. Daisy?

DAISY:

Oh hi! Daisy Furnace, head of
marketing for a Scotch whisky
company. Im looking for markets for
whisky on other planets. Ted?

TED:

Thanks, Daisy. Im Ted Albright. Im
in coal. Im here to look into mines,
so to speak.

WALDO:

I must be next. My names Waldo
Humphreys and Im a merchant banker.
Ive come along to find openings for
financial services on this Kalista-mm
place. Should be fun.

DAVE:

Which leaves me. Im Dave Smart. Im
group leader for my sins, and Ill be
writing a book on our findings. My
day job is lecturer in business
studies.

Anyway, team. Now were on Kalista-
mm, wed better get going. Were

DAVE /cont: meant to attend some kind of
presentation to welcome us to the
planet.

Scene Four: Int Location, Airport
FX Footsteps, background hubbub.

DAVE: I think were supposed to sit on
these toadstool things.

DAISY: Look at those pictures around the
walls. Is that what its like
outside? Looks like nothing but
desert.

WALDO: Dig that red sky. Oh, I think the
presentations starting.

FX Hubbub fades.

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR:

(recorded voice) Welcome to Kalista-
mm. I am your induction counsellor at
this time. I hope you had a pleasant
journey from (pause) Earth. Please
listen to these important safety
announcements.

As you know, as life on (pause) Earth
is based on water, so life on

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR
/cont:

Kalista-mm is based on sulphuric
acid. Do not be alarmed. Many
visitors fear they will come out in
ugly blisters when they utilise the
restroom facilities. Ha ha ha. No.
Alkaline pills and soap will be
available at your hotel to neutralise
harmful effects. However, it is not
advisable to go out when its raining
- you could lose your hair in a heavy
downpour and perhaps even your skin
in a thunderstorm. Are there any
questions?

DAISY: Yes, I have a question. Has Kalista-
mm always been based on sulphuric
acid? How did life get established
here in such a hostile environment?

INDUCTION
CCOUNSELLOR:
Two questions were detected. I will
answer only the first at this time.

FX Electronic noise, then pause.

OFFICIAL
SPOKESMAN:

(recorded voice) Many millennia ago,
Kalista-mm was a watery planet.
Through centuries of progress, our
people developed industry and the
population increased. More and more

OFFICIAL
SPOKESMAN
/cont:

energy was needed, and after that
even more. The sulphur mines worked
around the timer. Pollution was
inevitable. The sky turned red. First
the rain became acid, then the lakes,
rivers and finally the oceans.

The people of Kalista-mm are a
resilient race. They were not daunted
by the challenge of environmental
devastation. They embraced pollution
and all its damaging effects. They
evolved a new biochemistry to cope
with an acid medium. They rejoiced in
the damage to plant life by
developing new acid-loving crops for
areas that had previously been
useless wild jungle. The animal
species that went extinct in their
thousands were glorified in death on
the hat-badges of our nations armed
forces images of the grathus, the
armigent and the big sardine, for
example, denote courage and fortitude
in the face of insuperable odds.

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR:

As you are visitors from (pause)
Earth, you will be accustomed to
breathe air. Air is a mixture of

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR
/cont:
gases including nitrogen, oxygen and,
oh, some other stuff. What we breathe
on this planet, whatever it is, we
refer to as gas, so air tanks are
provided for utilisation during your
stay.

Please be aware that the gravity of
our planet is less pully than yours.
Weighted ankle bands are available
for your convenience. Please return
these on your departure. Breakages
will be paid for. Are there any
questions?

DAISY: (whisper) Im too scared to ask
another question.

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR:

No? Then lets move on. For your safe
enjoyment of social interaction,
please use the correct form of
greeting when encountering a native
of Kalista-mm. The procedure is
slightly different in each of the
seven nations. The video will show
you the method approved by the
Planetary Standards Institute which,
while not particularly pleasing to
people from any nation, is at least

INDUCTION
COUNSELLOR
/cont:
acceptable to all.

Watch the strangers press their
moustaches together and rub
vigorously. Aliens with insufficient
hair growth, you may request a
substitute eyebrow and moustache set
for use during your stay. For hygiene
reasons, please do not return these
items.

Be aware that, during the greeting
ceremony, eyebrows must not touch.
Eyebrow contact is reserved for
intimate moments between a husband
and wife on their wedding night, so
would be quite inappropriate at a
business meeting. I trust I have your
cooperation on this matter.

If we have no further questions,
please proceed to Customs. Have a
nice day.

FX A door slides open.

Scene Five: Int Location, Walking to Immigration
TED: Remarkably good English, I must say.


DAVE: Yes. I read in the guide book that
there are 293 languages on Kalista-
mm, so no-one is able to speak to
anyone else a bit like Earth
really.

Recently, they began picking up
transmissions from Earth, including
19-year-old television programmes, a
lot of them in English. Once theyd
invented a TV to decode them, some of
these shows became very popular and
English caught on, mostly as a way of
understanding Dynasty. English is now
quite common in the major centres.

DAISY: When do we start using the oxygen?

TED:

Im breathing OK right now. I dont
think we need these air tanks after
all. Anyway, this must be Customs.

CUSTOMS
OFFICER:

Kalista-mm welcomes law-abiding
visitors. There are serious penalties
for (a) smuggling (b) sabotage (c)
cannibalism (d) moral turpitude. Are
you carrying any of the articles on
this list?


DAVE: OK, everyone, Ill read out the list.
Has anyone got: (reads) mercury,
cake, Ally McBeal DVDs, explosives
(more than one kilogram), furniture,
Maprapanian trophy heads, meat
products including mondrofio, dargus,
ijijik and flob (excluding tinned
flob). Well, anyone?

TED: I have two sofas and an occasional
table in my hand luggage.

DAISY: (laughing) And I have a pound of
dargus sausages, whatever they are.

CUSTOMS
OFFICER:
(furious) Smiling is forbidden!

DAVE: Come on, team. Please be serious. (to
the officer) Were sorry, sir. We
have nothing on the list.

CUSTOMS
OFFICER:
(calmer) OK. Welcome to Kalista-mm.

Scene Six: Int Location, Airport Transfers
DAVE:

Now, gather round, team. Weve got
past Customs, but this isnt the end
of our journey. Our official hosts,
the Ministry of Interplanetary
Brotherhood, has asked us to fly to

DAVE /cont: Lod-Ip, the capital city of Champion.

WALDO: Champion?

DAVE:

Champions one of their countries
here. We are to be met at Lod-Ip by
our host who will show us to our
hotel.

DAISY: A bed will certainly feel good after
19 years travelling.

FX Destination board clicking.

WALDO: Hey, look at the places you can fly
to from here. Dreppage in Nation 4,
Mampan in Nation 2, the Government
Hub at the West Pole. Its all so
exotic, like being in a different
world.

TED: To be fair, Waldo, we actually are in
a different world.

Scene Seven: Int Location, Airport Gate
TED: I say, Daisy, what do you think of
our fellow passengers, the Kalistan-
mms?


DAISY:

Well, theyre shorter than us, they
have very thin limbs and tremendously
bushy moustaches. And look at their
eyebrows. On some of them they cover
their big black eyes. The fashion
seems to be tight onesies in shiny
yellow, orange or red. Oh, and
sandals.

TED: Theyre certainly an odd-looking lot.
Look, is that a currency exchange
over there? Shall I get some Champion
money for everyone before we board?

THE OTHERS: Yes, please, good idea (etc).

TED: Excuse me, do you change money?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
Yes.

TED: Id like some Champion money, please.

CURRENCY
DEALER:
No have.

TED: You have no Champion currency?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
Champion have no Champion currency.


TED: Oh, then perhaps you could advise me.
How should we pay for things when we
get to Lod-Ip?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
Kalista-mm has a very advanced
currency system that demonstrates
harmony between all nations. We use
dolours. Are you from Earth?

TED: Yes.

CURRENCY
DEALER:
My sympathies. On Earth you have an
outdated and inefficient system with
many currencies the renminbi, the
rupee, the euro, the real...

TED: The US dollar...

CURRENCY
DEALER:
I dont know that one.

TED: So the dolour is used by all seven
nations?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
Only five. Nation 2 kept the grout
and in Nation 5 they use bahta.

TED: You have currency called bahta?
Thats funny because in Thailand...


CURRENCY
DEALER:
No, there is no money in Nation 5,
just barter. They pay for goods with
sardines.

TED: Oh. Then please give me 500 euros
worth of dolours. How many do I get?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
(calculating) Umm... five hundred.

TED: Good, thats convenient. Can I put it
on my Earth credit card?

CURRENCY
DEALER:
Visa and MasterCard can. Amex no can.

DAVE: Hurry, Ted, our flight to Lop-Ip is
boarding.


Scene Eight: Narration
NARRATOR:

Kalista-mm is a small planet by Earth
standards, making it snug, homely and
convenient to get around.
Politically, its divided into seven
segments, a bit like a tangerine.
Each segment is an independent
nation. Looked at from the East Pole,
where the ends of the segments come
together at a point, the nations were

NARRATOR /cont: originally numbered 1-7.
But the people of Nation 7 objected
because they were always at the
bottom of lists published by the
Planetary Grand Council. When their
complaints went unanswered, the
Nation 7 government unilaterally
renamed their country Premier, hoping
that that would get them to the top.
Immediately, Nation 6, which then
found itself at the bottom, adopted
the name Champion. This trend to
abandon the use of numbers thankfully
stopped there. The inhabitants of
Nation 5, who live almost exclusively
on sardines, or things that look very
like sardines, were not that bothered
with their position on Council lists,
except when they concerned sardine
issues and that was hardly ever.

The capital of Champion is Lod-Ip and
that is where our plucky adventurers
are headed. In the plane, Dave finds
himself on the top bunk next to an
individual dressed in a shiny fabric
of the most iridescent blue.


Scene Nine: Int Location, On The Plane
PRIEST: Excuse me, do you speak English?

DAVE: I do. I wonder, are you going to Lod-
Ip on business or pleasure?

PRIEST:

I have been on a business trip to the
Mooon. We priests have a mission up
there that needed my attention. And
what is your name?

DAVE: Dave. I hope your trip was
successful.

PRIEST: Well, as successful as I dared to
expect. But what progress can be made
against such base sins?

DAVE: (puzzled) What sort of sins are we
talking about?

PRIEST: The sin of moral turpitude, young
man, free love. As a visitor to our
planet, you are perhaps not familiar
with recent developments on the
Mooon?

DAVE:

No, Im not. Actually, I know very
little about your moon the Mooon, I

DAVE /cont: mean. What has been happening there?

PRIEST: The Mooon was once a tranquil and
unspoilt satellite. It had beautiful
moorland, fresh streams and stunning
discsets. I used to go walking there.
The gas was clear and fresh and there
were great views of Kalista-mm. You
could find cheap bed-and-breakfasts;
an Irish pub for lunch perhaps. It
was a place for contemplation, for
getting your head straight, as I
think the expression is. Now, thats
all gone.

DAVE: Why? What happened?

PRIEST:

It has become no more than a
playground for the sinful. These days
its so easy to take the Hopper up to
the Mooon and indulge your fantasies.
Of course I dont mean you, Dave; no,
Im referring to our own men folk
those who get a promotion at work,
bachelors about to be married, older
men who want to get away from their
wives for a few days; or just the
lonely and unloved. Where do they go
to indulge their appetites these

PRIEST /cont:

days? The Mooon. The hotels that
cater for these decadent stag parties
have been built willy-nilly on
beautiful landscapes. Theres no real
system of law and order on the Mooon,
you see. Its like the Wild West up
there.

DAVE: And how do you hope to improve
things?

PRIEST: I am a priest, dear boy, a Pradist
priest. My mission on the Mooon is to
guide our people away from love and
back to the ways of our saviour,
Lonnie Prad, may the Disc forever
smile on his countenance.

DAVE: Do you consider it a sin to love?

PRIEST:

My dear fellow, what greater sin can
there be than love? Dont you see the
misery it causes? Nothing but
jealousy, greed, hatred and war.
Things may be different where you
come from, but here on Kalista-mm, in
nation after nation you will see the
same thing people devastated by
love. And it stands to reason that

PRIEST /cont:

the freer the love, the more damaging
will be the consequent devastation.
Also nuts.

DAVE: Nuts?

PRIEST: Pradists observe a strict dietary
code. Nuts are forbidden.

DAVE:

Sorry, but I know nothing about what
you Pradists believe. Youre against
the sins of the flesh free love as
you call it and nuts. Is that
right?

PRIEST: Yes, Dave, my young disciple, except
that we dont believe; we know. Other
religions may have faith, but we have
knowledge. Ours is an evidence-based
religion. For example, all peoples
have their creation myth, do they
not? The difference between all those
creation myths and the Pradist
Creation Myth is that our myth is
true.

DAVE: What is the Pradist creation myth?


PRIEST:

It all happened like this: after
Lonnie Prad had created time, he went
walking in the dark. Nothing existed
yet, so Prads footsteps took him
nowhere. He wished to use the
futility of his journey as a parable
for the vanity and pointlessness of
existence and so decided to record
his lack of progress in a book.
However, there was no light, so he
took a bauble from his haversack and
cast it up. Miraculously, it became
the Disc and shone brightly, casting
its smiling rays on Lonnie Prad and
allowing him to begin his journal.

He hadnt written that much when an
insight came to him that he needed
objects around him to illustrate his
philosophy and show his followers how
they should cast off the sin of love,
which didnt yet exist but which he
had a pretty good idea was going to
be a bad thing when it did exist.

First he created Kalista-mm and
Salutan, the two planets that orbit
the Smiling Disc, and peopled them
with people. He created the Mooon as

PRIEST /cont: a satellite of Kalista-mm to be a
place of tranquillity and country
walks.

Then, feeling hunger come upon him,
he created food. In his writings,
Prad tells us that the first morsel
of which he did partake was a hazel
nut, or something very much like a
hazel nut. Because he was innocent in
the ways of eating, Prad bit down
hard on the nut and it broke his
tooth. He recorded this event in the
form of a great oath, followed by a
warning to his people not to eat
nuts.

Prads journal, of course, became our
holy text and today can be found in
every hotel nightstand.

DAVE: Thats very enlightening.

PRIEST: And what is your creation myth, Dave,
mistaken as it must be?

DAVE:

Ours? Oh, on Earth we think that a
speck of nothingness exploded and
created time, matter and the rest of

DAVE /cont: the 11 dimensions. And now were
here.

PRIEST: And this speck of nothingness? Is it
your god?

DAVE: I dont know.

FLIGHT
ATTENDANT:
Here is your in-flight meal. Sir,
would you help me by passing this
tray to your fellow passenger?

PRIEST:

No, sorry, Miss. Dont think me rude,
but I have taken a vow of indolence
and am prohibited from doing manual
work.

DAVE: (reaching) I can reach it. Thanks.
Why did you take a vow of indolence?

PRIEST:

We in the Pradist priesthood believe
that, in this way, the community can
feel it is paying a fair price for
the spiritual example we set for
them. Something given free is rarely
appreciated, dont you agree?

DAVE: How did you learn English?


PRIEST: By watching Dynasty, a marvellous
comedy from China on your Earth.

DAVE: I know Dynasty! But I think that TV
show is from America.

PRIEST: No, its from China. Do they even
speak English in America? I think
not.

DAVE: Its been interesting talking to you.
I wish you luck with your work.

PRIEST: Lonnie Prad be with you, my disciple.
Take care on Kalista-mm. There is
much sin in this place, much sin.


Scene Ten: Narration
NARRATOR:

What will Dave and his team find at
Lod-Ip? Can they drink the water? Can
they breathe the air? Will they
offend the locals by rubbing their
moustaches the wrong way? Most
worrying of all, will they be able to
find any nuts? Dont miss the next
surprising episode of DEALS IN SPACE!


MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

DEALS IN SPACE! was adapted for radio
by William Peskett from his book
ENHANCE YOUR EXPORTS: DOING BUSINESS
ON OTHER PLANETS. Parts were played
by...


DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 02: A CUP OF JUBIFROOT



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 JR Kalistan-mm
7 PORTER Kalistan-mm
8 HOTEL DOORMAN Kalistan-mm
9 RECEPTIONIST Kalistan-mm
10 WAITER Kalistan-mm, French accent


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR: Is the worlds sluggish economy
getting you down? Have you failed to
secure a key to the executive
washroom? Look up, entrepreneurs of
Earth. Above your heads are billions
of planets ripe for ruthless
exploitation. Get on your bikes;
cross the final frontier; cheat on
your expenses; do... DEALS IN SPACE!
Episode Two: A CUP OF JUBIFROOT.

Dave and his team of intrepid
travellers are investigating business
opportunities on Kalista-mm, the
larger of the two planets in the
Smiling Disc star system in the
North-West Quadrant of the galaxy.

They have arrived at Lod-Ip, the
capital of the nation of Champion. It
has taken them 19 years to get here
from Earth and theyre looking
forward to checking into their hotel.
But first they have to meet their
Kalista-mm guide.


Scene Two: Int Location, Airport Arrivals
DAVE: Just a word before we go through
there, team. At Arrivals, were due
to be met by a representative from
the Ministry of Interplanetary
Whatnot.

TED: Brotherhood.

DAVE: Thats it, Ted, Interplanetary
Brotherhood. I suspect that this will
be an occasion for an official
greeting.

WALDO: So?

DAVE: So, we dont just shake hands and say
what-ho; we need to be properly
kitted out, with these moustache and
eyebrow sets. Come on, gang, you saw
the video. Put them on. Lets get
hairy.

DAISY: Mine tickles.

TED: Dave, you look like Albert Einstein
before his annual visit to the
hairdresser.


DAVE: So do you, Ted. Now, are we all set?
Lets go find our minder.

FX: Hubub of people meeting arrivals.
Turns to giggling, then loud
laughter, over which...

DAVE: (shouting) I think thats our man
over there. Now dont forget the
greeting. Rub your moustache on his,
and whatever you do, dont touch his
eyebrows; remember, you only do that
if youre married. Here goes!

JR:

(giggling) Welcome to Lod-Ip. My name
is Fulalelilol, but you can call me
JR.

(stifling giggles) You have done me a
great honour in performing the
traditional greeting, Earthlings. You
all did very well, but next time for
you, sir, it would be better if the
eyebrows went on the forehead and the
moustache on the upper lip.

DAVE: Oh, Im so sorry. Did I get them the
wrong way round?


JR: Yes, and also the wrong way up. The
moustache is supposed to droop like
this.

DAVE: Of course. Im so sorry.

JR: Its nothing. Now, my ultimate boss,
the minister of interplanetary
brotherhood, extends to you his best
wishes and hopes that he may have the
pleasure of your company at a
reception to be held in your honour
before you leave our world.

DAVE: (to team) What do you think, team?

THE OTHERS: (together) That would be lovely,
Thank you very much. Wed be
honoured, etc.

DAVE: (to JR) Please tell the minister we
would be most honoured to accept.

JR:

So its a date, as you say in China,
on your Earth. Meanwhile, we have
work to do. The next two days you
will spend here in Lod-Ip, the
ancient capital of Champion. I will
show you to your hotel minivan.

JR /cont: Please check in at the Hotel Armigent
and make yourselves comfortable.
Tomorrow we visit the sulphur mines
at Weefleff-ee-fleff, the most
important source of sulphur on our
planet. I think you, Mr Ted, will be
most interested to see how advanced
our mining processes are, yet we look
to you for your wisdom and
experience. Everything can be
improved, eh?

TED: Im looking forward to seeing your
mine, JR. Im sure we will be able to
learn much from you.

JR:

Of course, no doubt. And now, I hope
you do not think me rude, but tonight
I will be staying with my mothers and
fathers in Lod-Ip. I am a native of
Champion, you see. Now I live at the
West Pole in government housing, and
do not get back home very often. It
would be rude of me to neglect my
parents on my rare visits to my home
town.

So, have a good nights sleep and a
good breakfast. I shall come and meet

JR /cont: you at your hotel tomorrow morning
at, shall we say, 2 oclock?

DAISY: If you dont mind, I think were all
tired after our journey. We have been
travelling for 19 years and so I
wonder if we could have a bit of a
lie-in tomorrow?

JR: OK, I understand. Ill be there at
two-forty, or half-past two as you
say in English. Ha ha ha. That
reminds me. Silly me, I nearly
forgot.

(reaches into briefcase and hands out
objects) Here you are. These are your
timers. Its now 9 oclock on
Ruffsday. See, here, Dave, your timer
is telling you the time. Well meet
again at forty minutes past two on
Sentiflax, which is tomorrow.

Are there any questions? No? Good.
Your minivan is waiting outside. Have
a pleasant trip.

FX Minivan pulls up at curb.


PORTER: Here, let me help you with those
bags.

FX Bags are loaded into minivan. Minivan
pulls away.

Scene Three: Int Location, Minivan
WALDO: I was actually expecting that chap to
get in and drive this thing.

TED: So was I, but it seems to go alright
without a driver. I trust it knows
the way to our hotel.

DAISY: I cant work out how to use this
timer thing at all. Has anyone found
out how much sleep were going to get
before we start work tomorrow?

WALDO: (operating his timer) There are 18
hours in a day, nine light and nine
dark. Its now just gone 9 oclock,
so we have eleven and a half hours
before JR turns up.

DAISY: Well, that doesnt sound too bad.

WALDO: And each hour has 80 minutes.


DAISY: Even better.

WALDO: Except I have absolutely no idea how
long their minutes are.

DAVE: Keep an eye on your timer, Waldo, and
see how fast it ticks over.

TED:

Its too dark to see much of the
landscape out there. Excuse me while
I slide back this cover on the glass
roof... Jesus! Look at that!

DAVE: Must be the moon. They call it the
Mooon. Well be going there next
week.

WALDO: Blimey, its big though.

DAVE: No, its quite small actually; just
very close.

TED: Has anyone any idea whether they have
sexes here and, if so, how you tell
one from the other? Take JR back
there, for example male or female,
do you think?


DAVE: Theres probably something about it
in this guidebook, Why Visit Kalista-
mm? We Have No Idea.

(leafs through book) Let me see.
Sexes. Yes, it says here that the
ones who lay the eggs wear their
moustaches slightly longer and the
ones who dont lay eggs become
hysterical if they dont get their
own way. Otherwise its hard for
humans to tell them apart. Theyre
the same size, dress the same and
have the same names. The egg-layers
have 12 more chromosomes than the
hysterical ones, if thats any help.

WALDO: So we just treat them the same.

DAISY: Isnt that what youre supposed to do
on Earth?

TED: (pondering) Not really, no.

DAVE:

Whatever. Here we have no choice.
Short of taking a blood sample or
frustrating them to see if they throw
a wobbly, I cant see what we can do
to tell them apart. Their moustaches

DAVE /cont:

all look the same to me. We just have
to avoid saying he or she.

WALDO: At home, I find its the egg-layers
that get grumpy.

DAISY: Sexist!

Scene Four: Int Location, Armigent Hotel Reception
FX Minivan pulls up.

HOTEL DOORMAN: Welcome to the Armigent Hotel,
honoured Earthlings. We hope you have
a pleasant stay with us.

DAVE: (walking into lobby) Look at these
strange openings around the wall.
They look like port-holes. Those
heads peeping out are a bit comical.

TED: Try that one in the middle.

DAVE: OK. Excuse me, is this the hotel
reception?

RECEPTIONIST: It is. How may I help you today?

DAVE: We have a reservation for four rooms
in the name of Dave Smart.

RECEPTIONIST: (works keyboard) I have your
reservation. How long did you wish to
stay?

DAVE: Two nights.

RECEPTIONIST: Alrighty. And how many days?

DAVE: Two also.

RECEPTIONIST: Alrighty. Thats four rooms for two
days and two nights. That will be 224
dolours.

DAVE: OK. Shall I pay you now?

RECEPTIONIST: Alrighty.

DAVE: Ted, could I have some of that
Champion money you got at the
airport?

TED: Sure. Three 100-dolour bills should
cover it.

DAVE: (to receptionist) Here you are.

RECEPTIONIST:

Thank you. Here is your change. Your
rooms are 4, 5, 6 and 7 on floor 12.

RECEPTIONIST
/cont:
Please look into the scanner for an
eye signature.

DAVE: Like this?

RECEPTIONIST:

Yes, sir. And the other guests
please. Thank you for choosing the
Armigent Hotel. It is not permitted
to flush sanitary requisites down the
excretex. Breakfast is from one to
three. Have a nice stay.

DAVE: Well, that was quite easy, wasnt it?
Lets find our rooms.

TED: Hang on a minute. Didnt he or she
say the rooms were 224 dolours?

DAVE: I think so, yes.

TED: But we gave him three hundred. Weve
only got 21 dolours change; it should
be 76.

Scene Five: Narration

NARRATOR:

Many years ago, the nations of
Kalista-mm came together in harmony

NARRATOR /cont:

to unite their various currencies,
casting aside the prong and the runt,
the titt and the prat and replacing
them with the mighty Kalistan-mm
dolour, which is now legal tender in
much of the North-West Quadrant of
the galaxy.

But the new currency was not without
its teething problems. The Planetary
Grand Council, in their wisdom,
decided that the dolour would be
divided into ten flaps - ten being
the number of fingers the natives of
Kalista-mm have on their hands.

But the people of Nation 4 would have
none of it. You see, Nation 4 is
highly industrialised and their
factories operate with scant regard
for the health or safety of their
employees a wonderful personal
sacrifice by millions of labourers.
Every day Kalistan-mms look at their
collection of sandals and bless the
workers of Nation 4 who were
senselessly maimed or even killed in
their manufacture.


NARRATOR /cont:

The government of Nation 4 explained
to the Planetary Grand Council that
conditions in their factories were so
hazardous that very few of their
workers actually had ten fingers.

They argued that in tribute to their
loss, the dolour should be based on
the nonary system of counting using
a base of nine instead of ten so
putting their workers at an advantage
when doing sums on their remaining
fingers.

Which is why our brave adventurers
were given only 21 dolours change by
the Armigent Hotel.

A 100-dolour bill, you see, is worth
81 dolours, counted nonarily. Dave
paid with three of those, which came
to 243 dolours. The room charge was
224 dolours counted decimally; 243
minus 224 leaves change of 19 dolours
which the receptionist gave to Dave
as two 10-dolour bills, worth nine
dolours each, and a one, which is of
course worth one dolour.


NARRATOR /cont: Everybody clear on that? If not,
please stay behind after the show.

Scene Six: Int Location, Breakfast Room
DAVE: Good morning, team.

TED: Morning, Dave. Pull up a toadstool.

DAVE: Thanks. Everyone sleep well?

DAISY: It was a bit brief. As soon as I went
to bed, it seemed to be time to wake
up. My watch says half past ten, but
I suppose that must be Earth time
from about 19 years ago. I still
havent mastered my timer. How does
time actually operate here, has
anyone worked it out?

WALDO: Your timer will tell you. Ill show
you how to use it later.

DAISY: Give me the basics, Waldo.

WALDO:

OK, let me see. There are 18 hours in
a day, as I told you before, and four
days in a week. I dont think they
have months; not that I could find
anyway. Oh, and there are 820 days in

WALDO /cont: a year.

TED: How long are the hours?

WALDO: I reckon an hour is about 50 Earth
minutes, making a day about 15 Earth
hours long.

DAISY: Instead of 24, which explains why I
didnt get much sleep. The days and
nights must simply fly by here. The
Kalistan-mms must spend a lot of
their time going to bed and getting
up again.

TED: Ill just call that waiter.

WAITER: Would you like to order, sir? Today I
can suggest (enthusiastically) our
speciality, the full Champion, or
(dismissively) you can have the
English breakfast.

WALDO: The full Champion for me. Whats the
point of travelling for 19 years if
you dont try the local delicacies
when you get here?

DAISY: I think Ill stick with the English.

DAVE: Me too.

TED: Make that three English breakfasts.

WAITER: Jubifroot or coffee for you today?

DAISY: I think Ill try a pot of jubifroot.

THE OTHERS: Coffee for me, Ill have coffee, etc.

TED: Oh, and do you have any water?

WAITER: Ill bring you a bottle, sir.

TED: Well, that was quite simple. Now, did
anyone manage to work out the days of
the week?

WALDO: Yes, I did. Theyre called Roffsday,
Riffsday, Ruffsday and Sentiflax.
Right now its five past two on
Sentiflax morning. JR will be here to
pick us up in 35 minutes.

FX Clinking cups and saucers.

WAITER: Excuse me, lady and gentlemen. Here
are your drinks.


TED: Ah, excuse me, but whats this? The
coffee looks OK but you seem to have
given me a small bottle of medicine.

WAITER: (surprised) Thats the water you
ordered, sir. Would you like a
jubifroot spoon to take it? Now, will
that be all?

TED: Yes, thanks, fine. (to the others)
Either water here is very expensive
or its considered medicinal.

WALDO: Or both.

DAVE: I tried the alkali pills in my room
and they seemed to work all right,
though it takes some courage to drink
sulphuric acid no matter how
neutralised its supposed to be.

FX Clinking crockery.

WAITER: And here are your breakfasts.

WALDO:

What the blazes are these? You guys
manage to score bacon and eggs while
Im stuck with a dozen blue cockles
with what look like tiny lobsters

WALDO /cont: hiding inside. Look, when I pick one
up, the legs disappear and the shells
snap shut. Basically, theyre alive.

TED: Well mine looks jolly good. Waldo, I
expect you wish youd gone for the
English!

WALDO: Im going to have to ask the waiter
what to do with these...things. Ah,
waiter!

WAITER: Yes, sir?

WALDO: Sorry to be a nuisance, but could you
give us a quick run-down of our
breakfasts?

WAITER: A run-down?

WALDO: Yes, what is all this stuff?

WAITER:

Well, the English breakfast is the
traditional meal I believe they serve
in China, on your Earth. I hardly
have to tell you that it consists of
mondrofio rashers, fried sliced loof
and flob eggs.


TED: The mondrofio rashers are
particularly good.

DAISY: My flob eggs are nice and runny; just
how I like them.

WAITER: And for the full Champion breakfast,
sir, as you see, we serve ijijik.
This is the season for the most
excellent ijijik, the very best
quality.

WALDO: These little blue fellows waving
their legs and pincers at me are
called ijijik?

WAITER: Yes, sir.

WALDO: Do you...eat them?

WAITER: Of course, sir!

WALDO: How do you actually do that?

WAITER: The tradition is to take them whole,
sir.

WALDO: What, shell and all? But theyre
alive. Wont they fight back?

WAITER:

Theyre certainly very fresh, sir;
straight from the river Lod. Chef
sources these particular ones from
ancient organic ijijik beds just
downstream from the citys largest
sewage outfall. This provides lots of
food for the ijijiks and makes them
very juicy.

WALDO: Oh, good grief! Could you show me how
a Champion native would eat an
ijijik?

WAITER: Oh, sir, it would be against hotel
policy for me to eat on duty.

WALDO: Only one, just for me? Weve
travelled halfway across the galaxy
for this. Please dont disappoint me.
Im sure I could explain to your
chef.

WAITER: Well, I suppose we are not observed.
Alright, just one, then, as a
demonstration. (prolonged scrunching
sound, lip smacking) Ahh! Delicious!

WALDO: Just coffee for me.


DAISY: Look, heres JR. Right on time, if I
understand what that means on this
planet.

JR: Good morning, honourable Earthlings.
I hope you had a pleasant night. Are
you all ready for your first
expedition on our beautiful planet?


Scene Seven: Narration
NARRATOR:

What awaits our brave voyagers on
their visit to the Weefleff-ee-fleff
sulphur mines? Will Waldo find
anything on this god-forsaken planet
that he can eat? Is JR a man or a
woman, or both? How safe, really, is
showering in sulphuric acid? Dont
miss the next enthralling episode
of... DEALS IN SPACE!

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...

DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 03: THE SULPHUR MINES



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 JR Kalistan-mm
7 SITE MANAGER Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR: Are the worlds markets becoming too
ethical and less profitable? Look up,
heads are billions of planets ripe for
ruthless exploitation. Get up and go;
deploy your thrusters; cheat on your
expenses; do... DEALS IN SPACE!
Episode Three: THE SULPHUR MINES.

Smiling Disc star system in the North-
West Quadrant of the galaxy.

In their hotel at Lod-Ip, they have
learned that a 100-dolour bill is
worth 81 dolours because many workers
in Nation 4 have only nine fingers.
Will our plucky explorers visit to a
sulphur mine be any less confusing?

Scene Two: Int Location, Minibus
FX Minibus pulls into traffic.


JR: So, my Earthling friends, we are going
to visit the sulphur mines at
Weefleff-ee-fleff. I hope you enjoy
your trip.

DAVE: Im sure we shall, JR. Thank you for
being our guide.

JR: It is my honour.

TED: I cant help noticing that this
minivan is driving itself, just like
the one from the airport. How long
have you had driverless vehicles, JR?

JR: Sorry, what is a driver?

TED: On Earth, our cars and lorries and so
on are controlled by people.

JR: (amused) Thats weird. I would love to
go to Earth one day. I think it would
be kind of a laugh. It sounds just
like Dynasty. Although obviously I
know that Dynasty is pure science
fiction, I sometimes fantasise that
life on Earth may be a little similar.


DAISY: What are the crops in those fields
over there, JR?

JR: On our right are parnal and loof; the
feathery blue bushes are dack and, to
our left, thats a quansy orchard. It
is the quansy season. You see the ripe
fruit?

WALDO: Were climbing quite high now. Im
beginning to feel chilly.

JR: (handing out jackets) Yes, it will
become quite cold at the top. Please
put on these padded jackets.

WALDO: Its rugged scenery up here. Look at
those crags. And the sky seems quite
dark, though its still morning.

JR: Not long now...There! There is
Weefleff-ee-fleff, the worlds biggest
sulphur mine, the pride of my country.

DAISY: Wow, its big. But look at those huge
black clouds. I think were in for
some heavy rain.


JR:

No, those are not clouds. Thats
pollution from the mine. I told you
this place was impressive.

FX Minivan pulls up on gravel surface.

JR: So, we have arrived. The man you see
approaching is the site manager. Dont
forget to apply your eyebrow and
moustache sets. He will want to greet
you all in turn.

FX Minivan doors opening and closing.

Scene Three: Ext Location, Sulphur Mine Entrance
SITE MANAGER: The Sulfratex Corporation welcomes you
to Weefleff-ee-fleff.

FX Snuffling; moustache-rubbing greeting.

SITE MANAGER:

Now let me show you around. Please ask
any questions you like. I apologise in
advance if my English is good not, no?
Come, I will take you around the site
in this little buggy.

FX Footsteps on gravel; electric vehicle
starts up and goes.


Scene Four: Ext Location, Edge of Open Cast Mine
SITE MANAGER: Lets start at the beginning. This is
where the sulphur is taken from the
ground, where it is ripped from the
bowels of the planet. Ha ha.

FX Distant powerful engine noises.

TED: What are we looking at here?

SITE MANAGER: We call this the abyss. Down there,
those enormous diggers are gouging ore
from the soil; those mammoth
bulldozers are pushing it into hills;
and those colossal trucks queuing up
are carrying it away for processing.

TED:

Its very impressive. We have big coal
mines back on earth, but nothing to
match this for size. Theres a tunnel
into the mountainside down there. You
see that, Waldo?

WALDO:

Yes, its got a railway running into
it, carrying miners into the mountain,
by the looks of it. Theyre carrying
picks and shovels over their shoulders
and wearing white handkerchiefs over
their faces. It seems very labour-

WALDO /cont: intensive.

TED: Yes, it does. (to the site manager)
How far does that tunnel go?

SITE MANAGER: Oh, a long way; targs and targs. It is
the longest tunnel in the world.

TED: On Earth, we extract sulphur from the
ground in a slightly different way.

SITE MANAGER: Oh, and how is that?

TED: We send hot water down holes and force
the molten stuff up with compressed
air.

SITE MANAGER:

Ah, the luxury! Welcome to the real
world, my Earthling friends. Here on
Kalista-mm water is extremely dear and
of course we have no air. We would
have to import it from Salutan. Can
you imagine the number and size of the
shuttles that would be needed to bring
so much air so far? The space ships
would look like herds of pregnant
dargus. Ha ha. And the cost! No, here
at Weefleff-ee-fleff we just dig it
out. It works for us.

DAISY: Why is so much sulphur actually needed
on Kalista-mm?

SITE MANAGER:

(patronisingly) My dear friend,
sulphur is the very basis of our
economy. It powers our homes, our
vehicles and our industry. It provides
us with all the energy we need. You on
Earth, you use energy, Im sure?

TED: Of course.

SITE MANAGER: Well, where do you get it?

TED: Mostly from oil, coal, gas, that sort
of thing.

SITE MANAGER: You can get energy from gas?

TED: Yes, you can.

SITE MANAGER: You must be very advanced. We have
been trying for centuries to extract
energy from gas, but without success.
Oil and coal no have.

TED: I think were talking about a
different kind of gas.


SITE MANAGER: Whatever.

TED: What will you do when the sulphur seam
down there runs out?

SITE MANAGER: (sharply) It wont run out.

TED: It cant go on indefinitely, surely?

SITE MANAGER:

Good question, I can see you have been
eating your sardines. We invest a lot
of dolours in geological surveys; we
map the site, take soundings, make
test drillings and calculate the
reserves beneath our very feet. Then
we look at demand. This is increasing
at a frightening pace. Kids today,
they all have to have a car, theres
central heating in the winter and
turbo-snorkelling in the summer. To
keep up, production here has increased
by 15% this year. This growth is
likely to continue. These are
staggering statistics I think youll
agree. We are very proud. Anyway, to
answer your question, our projections
based on all this data indicate that
our usable reserves of sulphur are in
fact infinite.

TED: Infinite?

SITE MANAGER: Yes. We have enough sulphur to last
forever.

TED: No matter how much you increase
production?

SITE MANAGER:

When we do the maths and weve done
the sums twice we find that if you
have infinite reserves it doesnt seem
to matter how fast you dig them up or
how fast you use them, theyll still
last forever. It surprised me too, but
thats what the boffins tell me.

DAISY: What are those huts over there, those
black sheds between the two slag
heaps?

SITE MANAGER:

Thats employee accommodation. We call
that area The Shacks. Its a kind of
shanty town where workers have to live
in small, uncomfortable huts if they
are to be blessed with employment with
the Sulfratex Corporation. Jobs with
my company are highly prized, you
know. They are considered jobs for
life.

SITE MANAGER
/cont:

Retirement for a sulphur miner is
short if it happens at all. The fumes
from the mine and the hazards
encountered in the processing plant
that I will show you shortly ensure a
short life for most of our colleagues
and it is the solemn aim of Sulfratex
to ensure that it is a happy one.
There is great camaraderie amongst
workers in The Shacks. Theres a
feeling that were all in this
together which brings them strength
in what could otherwise be lets
face it a pretty miserable
existence.

Now, if youve seen enough here, lets
proceed to the pelletising hall.

Scene Five: Ext Location, Electric Buggy
FX Electric vehicle.

WALDO: Look at those fabulous sports cars
outside the main office.

SITE MANAGER: Managers vehicles, my friend,
provided by the company. Mines the
yellow Trandostar GTX at the far end.
Only five weeks old. Its very fast

and disgracefully greedy for fuel, but
I get it free so no promplem. Ha ha.

FX Electric vehicle stops, door to
processing plant opens, deafening
industrial noise, footsteps on metal
stairs, open and close door, noise
reduces.

Scene Six: Int Location, Room, Overlooking Factory
SITE MANAGER: Thats better. I couldnt hear myself
speak in there. Look, we can observe
the sulphur processing through this
window.

WALDO: Ouch! How can those guys stand working
here with all that noise?

SITE MANAGER: Theyre all pretty much deaf, so they
dont notice. Its part of the
selfless gesture they make in exchange
for the privilege of employment with
Sulfratex.

TED: What work are they actually doing down
there?

SITE MANAGER:

On the far side, the ore is brought in
from the mine by lorry. To the right

SITE MANAGER
/cont:

of that is the furnace where the
sulphur is extracted, and further over
to your right the pure fuel is stamped
into the pellets that are so familiar
to you when you refuel your car.
Except of course I was forgetting that
on Earth you use coal. Ha ha. The
pellets are packed into boxes,
labelled with whatever claims the
marketers from each of our customers
cares to suggest, and shipped to their
warehouses or directly to the
supermarkets.

So, for example, Zoomex may say that
their sulphur gives you more targs per
pellet, Whooshex claims their product
is better for your engine and Greenex
says their pellets do less damage to
an already highly despoiled
environment. In reality, theyre all
selling the same thing, just with
different labels. Its a very
efficient system.

DAISY: You said that some of your employees
had health issues related to their
work here. What provision do you make
to deal with medical problems?

SITE MANAGER:

Ah, thats a good question. We have a
clinic here on site at Weefleff-ee-
fleff for the use of our employees. It
is staffed by fully qualified doctors
who specialise in diseases of chronic
sulphur poisoning, crushed feet,
amputated fingers and so on the
everyday promplems that are inevitable
in a frighteningly hazardous operation
like this. As a perk, our employees do
not have to pay for medical treatment;
instead the cost is conveniently
deducted from their wages.

Another example of a Sulfratex
employees benefits is the exclusive
shopping centre which is located
conveniently here on site. To make
things even easier for our colleagues,
who are ignorant and uneducated,
nearly all of their salary is paid in
the form of handy company chips.
These have absolutely no value off-
campus, but as a special concession
can be redeemed for food. I think we
can tell how popular these facilities
are by looking at the mammoth profits
made by one of our chairmans wives,
who happens to own the complex though

SITE MANAGER
/cont:
an off-shore company registered in
Nation 5. They say she has the biggest
collection of designer sandals in
Champion, and those things dont come
cheap. Ha ha ha.

DAISY: (challengingly) And is this service
contract put out to tender?

SITE MANAGER:

Ah! I know where youre going with
this, transparency and accountability!
Yes, it is. Every year, the chairmans
wife tenders the contract for the
following year, usually with a hefty
price increase to cover her already
decadent lifestyle. To save time and
expensive comparisons, it is accepted
enthusiastically by the Sulfratex
board, under the wise guiding hand of
the chairman.

DAISY: And thats her husband.

SITE MANAGER: One of them, yes.

JR: Well, if there are no further
questions here, I think the site
manager has arranged lunch for us in
the managers restaurant.


NARRATOR:

Over a meal of pickled flob, fried
dargus nuggets and boiled loof in the
sulphur mines luxuriously appointed
managers restaurant, Ted is deep in
thought. He knows that the elephant in
the room in his discussions with the
site manager is the environment.

After only two days on Kalista-mm, it
is becoming clear to him, and probably
to his colleagues too, that the
sulphur economy is pretty damaging to
the planet. There are the mining and
processing operations at the mine, of
course, but also the vehicles all over
Champion all over the world that
belch out sulphur oxides which turn
the sky red and the rivers to acid.

Scene Eight: Int Location, Managers Restaurant
TED: How much longer can this go on?

SITE MANAGER: Excuse me?

TED: The environment. How much longer can
you go on polluting it?

SITE MANAGER:

Ah! So thats the elephant in the
room! Ha ha ha. Your alien humour! But
seriously, you have touched on a very
hot topic, Earthling, very hot indeed.
There are those here on Kalista-mm who
agree with you. Some of these are
intelligent people scientists and
engineers but there are also
politicians, celebrities and other
weirdoes.

These people are saying with a louder
and louder voice that the changes we
see in our environment the red sky,
the acid rain, the dead trees, the
changing climate, the extinction of so
many beloved species is, to use a
technical term, Kalista-mmogenic. That
is, its caused by us through our
profligate burning of sulphur and
release of its noxious products of
combustion.

JR: This claim has been strongly
challenged by others largely
industrialists and their PR
consultants.

DAVE: Which industries in particular?

JR: Principally the sulphur-mining
industry.

DAVE: In which your very own Sulfratex
Corporation is the only player?

JR: Im proud to say yes.

DAVE: And what does the Sulfratex
Corporation say about pollution?

SITE MANAGER:

We say its not our fault. We say that
the serious and extensive damage we
see everywhere in the environment is a
natural phenomenon, part of a cosmic
cycle that we are powerless to
control.

TED: There must be many people who are not
convinced by that argument, who can
show that the changes have only
occurred since sulphur was exploited
as an energy source.

SITE MANAGER:

To them we say that the changes we see
are actually broadly positive anyway.
For a start, we have evolved to cope
with them. Dont we drink sulphuric
acid with impunity? Our ancestors

SITE MANAGER
/cont:

couldnt do that. Dont we breathe
noxious fumes and stroll at leisure
through forests of gaunt, blackened
tree-stumps? And should we not welcome
a cooler atmosphere as polluting
clouds block out the searing rays of
the Smiling Disc? The summers here can
be sweltering you know.

DAISY: What about the loss of biodiversity,
the increase in extinctions?

SITE MANAGER:

Not a lot of those animal species were
particularly useful, to be frank. I
mean, whod want to eat an armigent?
Yuk! As for the rest, theyll come
back. They evolved in the first place,
so why cant they do it again?

TED: And who is winning this debate?

SITE MANAGER:

We will win. People wont give up
their vehicles. They wont stop
heating their houses. Try telling your
children that their turbo-snorkelling
holiday is cancelled this year. It
just wont happen. Things will
continue to get worse; the environment
will slowly die, but well cope.

SITE MANAGER
/cont:

Kalistan-mms, you see, are very
resourceful. When theyre up against
the wall, they dont give up. They get
by.

Friends, Im very aware that so far
Ive done all the talking. Now I want
you to tell me all about your planet;
I think you said it was the Earth,
yes? Let me see. Questions, questions.
Ah yes. What are the business
imperatives for the companies in your
distant little world?

DAISY: Business imperatives... Er...

TED: Im not sure I know what...

WALDO: ...We actually work in business, so
were not really very familiar with
that academic stuff. Can you help out
here, Dave?

DAVE: Business imperatives? Well, my bullet
points would look like this: protect
your brands, control your costs and be
responsible.


SITE MANAGER:

Bravo! Bravo! Its much the same here
in Champion. Except for us here at the
mine brands are pretty much
meaningless. They are important for
our customers, sure, because thats
the only way of distinguishing between
one lump of pure sulphur and another,
but for us, no. If people dont like
the Sulfratex brand, they can bugger
off, excuse my language. They wont
get the stuff anywhere else. Ha ha ha.

Costs are not that important for us
either. After all, labour is absurdly
cheap, the product itself is free, we
make our own energy and we have an
unassailable monopoly in the
marketplace, producing 100% of the
sulphur on the planet so we are in
complete control of market prices.

And your last point, responsibility,
what is that?

DAISY:

On Earth, companies are expected not
just to provide their customers with
serviceable products and make a return
for their shareholders; theyre also
under pressure to contribute to

DAISY /cont: society and do no harm to the
environment. A business isnt
considered sustainable unless it
satisfies these criteria.

SITE MANAGER: Phew! Wow! You have to do all that?
You guys must be busy, busy, busy!

TED: No, you dont actually have to do it;
you just have to look as if youre
doing it. And you have to look as if
youre taking it seriously.

WALDO:

Teds right. Being responsible can
back-fire on you if it looks like
greenwash. Responsibility must come
from the heart; it must be part of
your companys DNA. I say, do you
actually have DNA here?

SITE MANAGER: Of course we do, but what is a heart?


Scene Nine: Narration
NARRATOR:

After lunch Dave and his team of
wandering entrepreneurs hear that the
Sulfratex Corporation has recently
agreed a huge business deal which will

NARRATOR /cont: involve despoiling more countryside
and cheating more customers. Waldo and
Ted agree to provide advice on how to
make it look good in the newspapers,
if they actually have newspapers.

Judging their visit to the Weefleff-
ee-fleff sulphur mines a success, our
weary voyagers return to their hotel
in Lod-Ip.

Tomorrow, JR has planned a trip to
Nation 4 and the National Academy of
Science, Mathematics and Intellectual
Elitism. How will they cross the
border without adequate visas? What is
a petroflax and why are their nests so
useful? Dont miss the next
fascinating episode of...DEALS IN
SPACE!

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...


DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 04: THE SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 JR Kalistan-mm
7 BORDER GUARD Kalistan-mm
9 PROF NUGTIGNAG Kalistan-mm
10 TECHNICIAN Kalistan-mm
11 POLICE OFFICER Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR: Is ethical business practice on Earth
stifling your profits? Look up,
for ruthless exploitation. Get on
your bike; flex your corporate
muscles; do... DEALS IN SPACE!
Episode Four: THE SECOND LAW OF
THERMODYNAMICS.


Scene Two: Int Location, Train to Dreppage
FX (background) Inside train.

NARRATOR:

It is Roffsday morning and, as a
diversion from our plucky travellers
demanding business schedule, their
host, JR, has arranged a visit to a
cutting-edge research facility in
Nation 4. Our travellers are sitting

NARRATOR /cont: on toadstools on the Bullet Train
headed for its capital, Dreppage.

The lab belongs to the Academy of
Elitism whose mathematicians were
instrumental in the adoption of the
dolours nonary system of counting
which so effectively condemned
visitors to Kalista-mm to a state of
utter confusion when undertaking even
the simplest monetary transaction.

The weather is fine and bright, the
sky a rather jolly orange colour,
dotted with small, fluffy, black
clouds. The train is speeding through
undulating countryside, past fields
of loof and parnal, veep and quansy
with occasional outcrops of dead
trees. JR points out herds of dargus
lugubriously chewing, and groups of
mondrofio rootling about in the soft
earth.

After an hour or so, the train slows
and finally comes to a stop.

JR: Were at the border with Nation 4.

DAVE: I dont like the look of these border
guards.

BORDER GUARD: (aggressively) Passiporti!

DAVE: Sure. Heres my passport.

THE OTHERS: (together) Heres mine.

BORDER GUARD: Visa no have.

DAVE: (protesting) But we do have visas.

BORDER GUARD: Nation 4 visa no have.

DAVE: But your embassy said that these
visas here were good for all nations.

BORDER GUARD: Which embassy?

DAVE: In London... On Earth.

BORDER GUARD: Youre from Earth?

DAVE: Yes.

BORDER GUARD: China?

DAVE: No, were from Britain.

BORDER GUARD: Is that in China?

DAVE No.

BORDER GUARD: Do you know Ally McBeal? Its so
funny. Did you see the dancing baby?
Ha ha ha, I couldnt stop laughing.
Ally McBeal is from China.

DAVE: (timidly) I think America.

BORDER GUARD: (firmly) No, China. You must pay 20
dolours each for a correct visa.

TED: Probably no point in arguing. Look,
heres a 100-dolour note.

BORDER GUARD: One dolour change. Next!

DAVE: (looking through passport) So where
are the visas?

JR: No visas. It was a bribe.

Scene Three: Int Location, The Academy Reception
JR: This is the Academy. Ill lead the
way.

RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you.

JR: Weve come to see Professor
Nugtignag. (to the others) Dont
forget your eyebrow and moustache
sets.

WALDO: God yes, I always forget the greeting
ceremony.

RECEPTIONIST: Alrighty, this is Professor Nugtignag
right here.

PROF NUGTIGNAG: Welcome to the Nation 4 Academy of
Elitism.

FX Snuffling moustache noises.

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Ah, very good. Very fulsome
moustaches, all of you. I am
Professor Nugtignag, in charge of
Project Dynamite, a high-profile and
very prestigious initiative of the
Nation 4 government. Its so secret
that, after I show it to you, I shall
have to kill you.

DAVE: (concerned) Really, wed just as soon
have a walk in the garden or
something. Its such a lovely day.

PROF NUGTIGNAG: (exploding with laughter) Just
kidding! Ha ha ha. Project Dynamite
is not secret at all. Its just my
sense of humour. We welcome the
publicity. Besides, you are
insignificant to us. Ha ha ha. Leave
your luggage in reception and come
this way, please.

JR: (diplomatically) He means you live so
far away.

FX Footsteps along corridor and up
stairs. Open door.

Scene Four: Int Location, Project Dynamite Laboratory
DAISY: (whisper) Whats going on in here?

WALDO: (whisper) Search me. It looks like
three scientists in white coats
making a video of a pile of twigs.

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

(low voice) Welcome to Project
Dynamite. Let us stand to one side
over here, and I will explain the
complex experimental method of this
important programme.

(passionately) Two centuries ago, the

PROF NUGTIGNAG
/cont::

hated marauding barbarian colonist
raiders from Maprapan-3, beyond the
Grofus Nebula, invaded our planet and
over-ran our beloved Nation 4. Their
forces of occupation imposed many
despicable laws on our brave people,
including the Law of Shameful
Servitude that made it compulsory for
us to work as slaves for our new
masters. (spits) Pah!

And then there was the so-called Law
of Sweet Surrender under which we
were forced to yield our most
beautiful young maidens to be
ravished by the hated thugs of the
Maprapan-3 army. (spits) Pah!

And also there was the Law of
Thermodynamics under which the
entropy of a system was obliged by
our ruthless oppressors to increase
at all times. (spits) Pah!

DAVE: Ah, the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

PROF NUGTIGNAG: (surprised) There are two?

DAVE: We actually have four.

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Ah, so you understand what its like
to be brutally subjugated by tyrants.

(calmer) The Law of Thermodynamics
was an especially cruel measure
because it meant that perpetual
motion machines were made illegal
overnight, that events were
henceforth irreversible and, worst of
all, that time was only permitted to
run forwards, on pain of severe
punishment. Well! Earthlings, you can
imagine the effect on our poor
people. How were they supposed to
carry on any kind of civilised
existence under the yoke of these
draconian restrictions?

WALDO: (with false sympathy) It must have
been tough.

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Armed only with sticks and home-made
thadiwaks, our brave citizens rose up
against the Maprapanians, who were
equipped with fearsome flooths and
deadly kip rockets. When at last the
hated colonists were driven back, the
country, and indeed the whole of
Kalista-mm, drew a sigh of relief.

PROF NUGTIGNAG
/cont:

This feeling of liberation was short-
lived, however. It was soon realised
that, although the tyrants had been
repelled, their detested laws were
still on the statute book. Luckily,
our parliament revoked most of the
alien regulations but, through a
clerical oversight, the colonists
oppressive Law of Thermodynamics
remained in force. Lawyers spent the
next two centuries trying to find a
way around this promplem. Then there
was a breakthrough. Scientists at
this very laboratory discovered some
unnoticed small print in the law. The
Law of Thermodynamics didnt, after
all, say that entropy in a system
definitely had to increase come what
may; only that this was
overwhelmingly likely.
(phew) Well, that clause gave us our
get-out. A load was lifted from the
countrys shoulders. The people of
Nation 4 are, you see, a very
resourceful people. They do not give
up easily. They were not overwhelmed
by the loathsome raiders from
Maprapan-3, and they were not going
to be overwhelmed by any of their

PROF NUGTIGNAG
/cont:
poxy little likelihoods or
statistical probabilities, all of
which brings us neatly to Project
Dynamite.

DAISY: Yes. But what are these people
actually doing?

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

This is the clever part, my dear
Earthling. That pile of twigs is the
remains of a petroflax nest which
fell out of a tree in my garden
during a wild thunderstorm last year.
My colleagues here are waiting for
the twigs to spontaneously reform
themselves back into a petroflax
nest.

TED:

Because the nest would be more
ordered than a pile of twigs, that
would involve a decrease in chaos
or entropy wouldnt it?

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Indeed it would, clever alien.

TED: And when do you expect this to
happen?


PROF NUGTIGNAG:

We cannot know that. All we know is
that it is overwhelmingly unlikely to
happen at all. We could be waiting
hours, days, weeks even. We just
dont have a clue. My scientists here
work in shifts around the timer to
ensure that, when it happens, they
will be able to record the event on
video.

Its important to remember that many
of the people who work on this
project have fathers who fought in
the Maprapanian wars. Those heroes
werent cowed by overwhelming odds
two centuries ago, and we will not be
cowed now. Are there any questions?

WALDO: Yes, if you do manage to break the
Second Law of Thermodynamics, what
will you do?

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

We will not break the law. Note that
the small print allows the nest to
reform spontaneously but makes this
occurrence far from a sure thing.
Otherwise, it was a good question.

To tell you the truth, the main point

PROF NUGTIGNAG
/cont:

of the project is to free ourselves
from the shackles of Maprapanian law,
so the principle is paramount, but
when we finally triumph there will of
course be valuable side effects.

DAISY: What will be the valuable side
effects?

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Tell me, Earthlings, have you ever
done something you regret? For
example, you may have dropped a
fragile vase belonging to one of your
wives. Perhaps it was given to her by
one of her mothers and so has
sentimental value, even though you
yourself have never liked the thing.
Well, when we reverse times arrow,
as we call it, you will be able to
set the clock back to the moment just
before the vase fell from your grasp.
The pieces of smashed glass on the
floor could well gather themselves
together and leap back into your
hand. The vase, however much you
hated it, will be restored and your
wife will never know.

What could be a better result from a

PROF NUGTIGNAG
/cont:
government-funded research project?

JR:

If there are no further points, I
think we should be pressing on. Were
staying in downtown Dreppage tonight,
Professor, and we dont want to miss
dinner at our hotel.

PROF NUGTIGNAG:

Of course. I wonder if you could find
your own way back to the entrance. I
am needed urgently in my office. It
has been a pleasure to meet you. We
do not get many people just dropping
in from Earth. By the way, what is
your nation, China?

DAVE: Were from Britain.

PROF NUGTIGNAG: Mmm... strange, I thought I knew them
all. Never mind.

DAVE: Well, thank you, professor, for a
most interesting introduction to your
work. Good-bye.

(to the others) What did you think of
the professor?

WALDO: Barking.


NARRATOR:

Many visitors to Kalista-mm wonder
how the planet got its name. It used
to be called Pfle, which was the only
word anyone could think of that
didnt have an obscene or offensive
meaning in at least one of the 293
officially-recognised languages.
While this bland neutrality was the
major strength of the planets name,
its big drawback was that, because it
wasnt a word in any of the
languages, nobody could pronounce it.

So the Planetary Grand Council set
about finding a new name. After much
debate, it was decided that it should
be something taken from the latest
edition of Ally McBeal which had
recently been received from Earth and
was causing widespread amusement
among the citizens.

It is said that members of the
Council didnt realise quite how
strongly their chairman felt about
the star of the show. (They need only

NARRATOR /cont: have looked under the blotter on his
enormous desk where hed stuck at
least six pictures of her. Whatever.)
During a brainstorming session, one
Council member suggested, What about
Calista? referring to Calista
Flockhart, the actress in the show.
The chairman replied, Calista? Mm!
Thus, the story goes, the decision
was taken.

Scene Six: Int Location, Academy Corridor
FX Footsteps.

DAISY:

Ted, weve got plenty of time before
dinner, lets have a look around.
Theres a sign here to a shrine.
Lets have a look.

TED: Wont Dave worry about us?

DAISY: Well be OK for a few minutes.
Listen! What was that?

TED: Daisy! Someones coming. Do you think
we should get back to the others?

DAISY: That would probably be safest.


FX Footsteps along corridor, across a
courtyard, quickening. Pushing
through swing doors etc.

DAISY: Somebodys following us.

TED: Quick. Lets nip in here until its
quiet.

FX They open a door and bundle through.

Scene Seven: Int Location, Aircraft Hangar
TECHNICIAN:

(jovially) Ah, you must be the
visitors from Earth. I heard you were
coming. Upstairs, Downstairs. Ha ha
ha. Very hilarious. Lady Marjorie
Bellamy! Dynasty. Such big shoulders!
Such good humour! And The Benny Hill
Show; not so funny of course but good
for studying Chinese culture.

TED: But...

TECHNICIAN:

...Enough of this. I understand you
have come to view our prestigious new
weapon. Doubtless you are interested
in learning of its deadly precision
and fearsome killing capacity. Come
with me.

FX Footsteps.

TECHNICIAN:

(proudly) Here it is. This is a Mark
2 Thadiwak missile, fitted with a
Thunderguts nuclear warhead the No
Survivors limited edition, in fact
a very popular model.

DAISY: Its huge! Whats that written on the
rockets nose?

TECHNICIAN: Oh, there we have written LOD-IP OR
BUST! The Thadiwak missile can
deliver its lethal payload to the
target in just under 20 minutes.
Imagine the anticipation of the
people on the ground below as it
silently descends, then explodes with
a force of 200 megafricks. (makes
exploding noise)

TED:

(incredulously) Ive never seen
anything like it. Look at the size of
it! And are you saying that this
thing is heading for Lod-Ip?

TECHNICIAN:

(cheerfully) Oh yes. Notice the
modification we have made up there.
The Mark 2 Thadiwak doesnt normally

TECHNICIAN
/cont:

have windows! Not when its carrying
a Thunderguts, anyway. Ha ha ha.

TED: (incredulously) Are you telling us
the rocket has a pilot?

TECHNICIAN: No no no, not a pilot; a passenger!
The sulphur miner gets a free ticket
home! Ha ha ha.

FX Door opens, some scuffling.

TED: My god, whats going on now?

FX Gun-shots. Footsteps of two soldiers
running towards them. More scuffling,
slapping.

OFFICER:

(to technician) What are you doing,
you idiot? This project is double top
secret. These are aliens.
roughly) Youre all coming with us.

FX Soldiers bundle prisoners across
hangar, through doors. Open van
doors, throw prisoners inside, slam
doors, drive off.


Scene Eight: Int Location, Police Van
DAISY: Now what do we do?

TED: I have no idea, Daisy. For the time
being we appear to be prisoners of
the Nation 4 police. How are your
handcuffs?

DAISY: Ive worn worse.

Scene Nine: Int Location, The Academy Reception
JR: Still no sign of Ted and Daisy.

WALDO: Should I go back to look for them.
They must have got lost in one of
those corridors.

DAVE: Lets wait a couple more minutes.

FX Police siren, screech of tires, car
door slams, footsteps.

OFFICER: Are you the Earthlings?

DAVE: Yes.

OFFICER: The aliens known as Ted and Daisy
have been arrested and are being held
at police headquarters in Dreppage.

DAVE: (stressed) Arrested? For what?

OFFICER: Treachery and sabotage. Now, I must
go.

FX Footsteps, car door slams, car
leaves.

DAVE: (much stressed) Treachery and
sabotage? How could Daisy and Ted
have done anything like that? Theyve
only been gone 20 minutes.

JR:

Treachery and sabotage is just the
name of the offence. It sounds worse
than it is. Basically, theyre
accused of being spies. Now, theres
nothing to worry about. Its not as
bad as it looks.

WALDO: Whats the penalty for spying?

JR:

(regretfully) In Nation 4 its death
by skull penetration. But it could be
so much worse. Im going to take you
to our hotel in town. You can wait
there and relax while I go to the
police station to try and get our
friends released. Theyve never

JR /cont: arrested someone from a different
star system before. Im sure Ill
find a legal loop-hole and will be
able to get them off very quickly.
Failing that, Ill pay a huge bribe.

DAVE: Under the circumstances, I dont
think well be able to relax at the
hotel. Well come with you.

JR: Very well.


Scene Ten: Narration
NARRATOR:

On the ride into town, Dave thinks of
all the terrible outcomes that this
incident could have. Two of his party
horribly executed for treachery, a
diplomatic row between two planets 19
light-years apart and a distinctly
discouraging episode to have to
include in his book on doing business
in the North-West Quadrant.

After all the positive things he was
going to write about the welcoming
people, the aids for coping with the
sulphuric acid and the huge export

NARRATOR /cont:

potential, what businessman in his
right mind would come all the way
from Earth if he knew that you could
be executed for treachery merely by
viewing a pile of twigs in some mad
scientists laboratory?

Will Ted and Daisy get the better of
the Dreppage police or will they be
executed by skull penetration? Is
Nation 4 really going to launch a
Thadiwak missile at their neighbour,
Champion? And, if so, why will it
have a sulphur miner on-board?

Dont miss the next captivating
episode of... DEALS IN SPACE!

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...


DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 05: THE TRIAL OF TED AND DAISY



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 JR Kalistan-mm
7 DUTY SERGEANT Kalistan-mm
8 POLICEMAN IN BLACK Kalistan-mm
9 POLICEMAN IN WHITE Kalistan-mm
10 PLAPREFLAP Kalistan-mm
11 COURT CLERK Kalistan-mm
12 JUDGE Kalistan-mm child
13 LAWYER Kalistan-mm
14 DR STROKULA Elderly Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR:

Is ethical business practice on Earth
stifling your profits? Do your
customers think theyre always right?
Look up, entrepreneurs of Earth.
Above your heads are billions of
planets ripe for ruthless
exploitation. Get up and go; take a
few days out of the office; do...
DEALS IN SPACE! Episode Five: THE
TRIAL OF TED AND DAISY.


On a visit to a government facility
in Nation 4, Ted and Daisy have
stumbled on a Thadiwak missile aimed
at Champion, the country next door.
Arrested as spies, they have been
taken to Dreppage police station.
Dave, Waldo and their local guide,
JR, are visiting them in their cells.

Scene Two: Int Location, Dreppage Police Cells
FX Hubbub of busy police station.

DAVE: Weve come to see Ted and Daisy.

DUTY SERGEANT: The aliens from Earth? Chinese?

DAVE: No...well, yes, alright.

DUTY SERGEANT: Make up your mind. Theyre being held
in the cells. Follow me.

FX Walking to the cells, background
shouting, screaming etc.

DAVE: Can we go inside the cell?

DUTY SERGEANT: No chance. Youll have to talk
through the bars.

DAVE: What happened, Daisy?

DAISY: Its difficult to talk with the
missile technician and this other
chap in the same cell. (whisper) Keep
your voice down.

WALDO: So how could you get arrested?


DAISY: We got lost at the Academy. We were
looking for a shrine. When we came to
catch you up we thought we were being
followed. I got scared, so we ducked
through some doors and came across
this technician guy. He seemed to be
expecting us.

TED: Very friendly, he was. He showed us
some stuff (stage whisper) which we
would rather not talk about right
now.

DAISY: Then some police burst in and
arrested all three of us. How are we
going to get out of here?

JR: Dont worry. Ill see what I can do.

WALDO: Whos that other guy with you in the
cell?

TED: We think hes from Champion. He
doesnt speak the same language as
our technician friend here, so we
havent discovered anything more
about him.


JR: Ive spoken to the duty sergeant.
Youre allowed to have a lawyer. Ive
called someone I know. Shes very
good. I explained that you were high-
level dignitaries from Earth and that
we need to get your case dealt with
as quickly as possible. I gave the
duty sergeant 100 dolours to buy some
toys for his children. He said he
didnt have any children, but
welcomed the gift as it would enable
him to visit a prostitute at the
weekend.

He said youll be tried in court in
the morning. Youll have to spend one
night in the cell, Im afraid; it
cant be helped. After that its
either death or freedom. Its the
best I could do.

DAVE: Is there anything we can bring you?

TED: How about a hack-saw in a cake?

DAISY: Some bedding would be good. This
stone floor doesnt look very
comfortable.


JR: And Ive also been speaking with your
cell-mate. Hes from my country,
Champion. In fact hes a sulphur
miner from Weefleff-ee-fleff, where
we visited only yesterday. He says he
was digging in a seam at the end of
the tunnel the one we saw the
trains going into when the ceiling
suddenly collapsed. He told me he
crawled up through the earth and was
pulled out of the ground by people
digging foundations for a new block
of flats. He thought hed been in
Champion but popped up about 30 targs
inside Nation 4.

WALDO: What are targs?

JR:

About a kilometer. If this is true it
will bring terrible shame on my
nation. It means that our biggest
corporation has been stealing sulphur
from under Nation 4 for years. This
will cause a big row between our
governments and I cannot in all
conscience defend my beloved nations
position. Agh! Sulphratex is out of
control! How can it act against the
interests of its own country?

DAISY: Actually, when we were in the
hangar...

TED: (coughs)

JR: What was that?

TED: Daisy was complaining about all the
hanging around weve had to do. Why
cant they get on with it?

JR: Yes, indeed. Well, well get back to
the hotel. Well return later with
some bedding and toiletries to try
and make your stay as comfortable as
possible. (JR, DAVE and WALDO leave)

TED: Sorry for cutting you off back then,
Daisy old thing, but we really dont
want to spread around all that stuff
we learnt back there about the rocket
being aimed at Lod-Ip and all,
especially to JR, who is from
Champion. Were better off not
getting involved in this wrangle at
all, dont you think? We know
nothing, OK?

DAISY: OK.

FX Jangling keys, cell is unlocked.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Right, you the two aliens for
interrogation? Come with me.

FX They walk to an interrogation room.
The door slams.

Scene Three: Int Location, Interrogation Room
POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Sit on that side of the table.
POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Im the good cop, so I wear a white
uniform. He wears black because hes
bad. Ha ha ha! Also, I wear this
colour so the blood doesnt show.

DAISY: Why wouldnt the blood show on white?

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
(sneering) Der! White blood, white
uniform; do the maths! Anyway, lets
press on. Weve brought you here to
finalise the charge sheet against
you. Being the good cop, I should
warn you now that if you dont co-
operate, things will not be so comfy
for you.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(menacingly) And as the bad cop, Im
telling you that if you dont co-

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK /cont:
operate, youll be tortured and
killed. As a humanitarian gesture,
well send your toes to your
families.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Sooo, anyhoo, moving on, lets hear
about your heinous crimes. Which one
did you commit first?

TED: We were in the Science Academy, as
honoured guests, and became side-
tracked by a sign to a shrine.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:

That cosmology crap? I dont know why
they allow that thing in the Academy.
Its very existence is a sin against
the teachings of Lonnie Prad, may the
Disc forever smile upon his
countenance. You havent made a good
start, Earthling.

TED: We just went to look at it, not
commit our souls to its deities.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
OK, good recovery. Go on.

TED:

After visiting the shrine, we decided
to rejoin our colleagues at the main
entrance, but we got lost. We went

TED /cont: through some doors and found
ourselves in a kind of hangar.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Trespass! Write that down on the
charge sheet.

DAISY: It was only unintentional trespass.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
I dont think we have that. Do we
have that?

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(proudly) We dont have any
unintentional crimes. Our crimes are
all premeditated.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Right, Ill put that down as
trespass, then. OK, next.

TED:

We got talking to the chap there in
the hangar. We have no idea who he
was, but he was wearing a white coat.
He showed us around the facility.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Illicit knowledge gathering at a
government installation. Write that
down.

TED:

But we didnt ask for the tour. The
technician suggested it. We just

TED /cont: wanted to get back to our friends.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Passive illicit knowledge gathering
at a government installation.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(slyly) What did you learn about the
Thadiwak missile?

DAISY: The long thing? Its yellow.

TED: It looked expensive.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:

(sinisterly) Mmm. Did the technician
mention that this missile, which is
designed to look as if it is for the
entirely peaceful purpose of
launching a communications satellite
into low orbit, is really carrying a
nuclear warhead and is targeted at
Lod-Ip, the decadent capital of the
deceitful Champion nation which has
been stealing our birthright in the
form of life-giving sulphur from
under our very feet for centuries?

TED: No, he didnt mention that.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
But now they know.


POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Oh, bugger!
POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Ill put them down for aggravated
passive illicit knowledge gathering
from police personnel you at a
government installation, to wit, this
police station.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(shouting, banging table) Who are you
working for?

DAISY: I work for a Scotch whisky company.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(aggressively) Where?

DAISY In Scotland.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
(meekly) Oh.
TED: And Im in coal mining.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Ah ha! What is coal?
TED: Its a black fuel we have on Earth.

POLICEMAN IN
BLACK:
Ah ha!
POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
(pleasantly) You are spying for a
foreign power. Who is it? Come on,

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE /cont:
confess! Is it Nation 1?

DAISY: No, how could we be spies for Nation
1? We come from Earth, 19 light-years
away. If we were spies it would take
19 years for our orders to reach us
and 19 more for us to arrive here to
start spying. They would have had to
recruit me when I was eight years
old.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Is it Nation 2?

TED: (losing patience) Dont be silly.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:

OK, OK, stop this. Thats enough. We
have the list of charges, and theyre
a shameful indictment of the
decadence of aliens.

On the charge sheet we have:
trespass, unauthorised intercourse
with government personnel, sabotage,
conspiracy to commit sabotage,
treachery, perfidy, severe perfidy,
extreme perfidy, espionage,
aggravated espionage, falsely
obtaining information about a
confidential pre-emptive nuclear

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE /cont:

strike on a neighbouring nation,
wasting police time and entering the
country without a visa, which is 20
dolours each. How do you plead?
Confess!

FX A knock on the door.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Enter!
PLAPREFLAP: Im the lawyer friend of JR. I have
come for a meeting with my clients.

POLICEMAN IN
WHITE:
Alright, we will leave you with your
alien clients. (menacingly) But this
is not over.

Scene Four: Int Location, Interrogation Room
PLAPREFLAP: My name is Plapreflap. JR asked me to
help you. You dont have to appoint
me as your lawyer, but you can if you
wish. Theres no-one else so,
effectively, you have no choice.

TED:

Were complete strangers here. Weve
been in your star system for less
than a week, so we agree that we have
little option. We are faced by an
absurd list of criminal charges, some

TED /cont:

of which Im pretty sure the police
have made up. So, fine, yes, please
advise us what we should do.

PLAPREFLAP:

Good. OK. First, did you do it? Are
you spies? You look a lot like spies.
This is important. Here in Nation 4,
its important how a criminal looks.
If your face is sad, youre a loner.
You could easily be a perverted
serial killer. If your moustache is
unkempt, you cant afford a comb, so
youre poor and almost certainly a
thief. In your case, you have no
moustaches, I see, which is
suspicious in itself. You could be in
disguise. You could be using false
passports. You could be on a mission
to uncover state secrets from the
most intimate parts of our nations
government and pass them for huge
profit to our deadliest enemies.

Im not saying youre guilty; thats
just the way it looks.

DAISY: Arent you supposed to be on our
side?


PLAPREFLAP: Yes, definitely, but I have to tell
you how it seems so far. So, what
happened? Start at the point when you
started to look so guilty. (fade out)

TED: (fade in) ...and thats how we got
arrested and ended up here in jail.

PLAPREFLAP: Mmm, it doesnt look hopeful. Its
going to be expensive. Twenty
thousand dolours at least. OK, ten
thousand, how does that sound? Could
you make it fifteen?

DAISY: For what?

PLAPREFLAP: My fee. Youre from Earth, right?
Ive seen Dynasty. I know that you
Chinese are rich, so what do you
care? Twelve thousand dolours is
nothing for you. It could be twenty
thousand if we get a tough judge.
Then theres the bribe.

TED: (wearily) I suppose judges have many
children to buy toys for.

PLAPREFLAP:

No, judges are children. Here in
Nation 4, all judiciary appointments

PLAPREFLAP
/cont:

are given to teenagers, who get time
off school to preside over trials.
You dont need sense to be a judge,
only wisdom, so children are perfect
for the role. What could be better
preparation for the bench than having
the wisdom of the young? Dont kids
say the cutest things? Only the other
day, my 13-year old, who is currently
presiding over the trial of a vicious
double murderer in Central Court
Five, said, Mum, lets pretend we
exist. Youre not going to get that
kind of wisdom from a wrinkly old
granddad, though I think the main
attraction of judicial duties for her
is that she misses double geography
on a Roffsday afternoon.

DAISY: (incredulously) Our case is going to
be heard by a child?

PLAPREFLAP:

Oh yes. But that could be in your
favour. A child is much more likely
to see your activities as a prank, no
worse than stealing fiffles from your
neighbours garden or sticking a cork
in your friends turbo-snorkel as
hes about to go down for a thruffle.

PLAPREFLAP
/cont:

Playing with rockets is cool; you
could get points for that. And kids
are much easier to bribe. After all,
how much do a tub of quansy ice-cream
and a stick of parnal rock cost when
compared with a cabin cruiser? No, I
have a good feeling about this case.
As long as we keep you out of sight
as much as possible in court
wearing a blanket over your heads,
perhaps and we completely ignore
the facts of the case, I think we
might get a result.

Dont look so worried. Either way Im
going to get my fee so dont be
concerned on my account.
Incidentally, my fee is payable in
advance. If things dont go well,
theyll have you executed by dawn the
next day, and it can be a nightmare
extracting money from a grieving
relative. Im sure you understand.

Scene Five: Int Location, Dreppage Central Court
COURT CLERK:

Case 39726: The citizens of Nation 4
versus Miss Daisy and Mr Edward known
as Ted. All rise for her honour Judge
Fodradol.

FX Judge enters court.

JUDGE: Go ahead and sit. Hey, I got aliens!
This is going to be excellent. Do we
have a prosticution... prosecution,
whatever; I never get that right.

LAWYER: Present, mlud.

JUDGE: And a defence?

PLAPREFLAP: Present, your honour.

JUDGE: The prosticution, you can go first
and dont make it, like, boring or
Ill give you a smack. Got it?

LAWYER:

(obsequiously) Yes mlud; indeed
mlud. The prosecutions case against
the prisoners Daisy and Ted is
straightforward. Yesterday, the two
alien accused were caught red-handed
in a top-secret government facility
looking very suspicious. There can be
no doubt in the mind of any right-
thinking citizen that they were
engaged in espionage against the
state.


JUDGE: Excuse me?

LAWYER: Spying, mlud.

JUDGE: Are they spies? Ive never done spies
before. Whats the punishment for
spies?

LAWYER: Death by skull penetration, mlud.

JUDGE: Excellent! I dont want you defence
person spoiling this and making me
let them off, OK?

PLAPREFLAP:

I really must object, your honour.
Under the law of Nation 4, everyone
is innocent until they look guilty.
If I may continue, it is my assertion
that my clients apparent guilt is
entirely because they are aliens.

JUDGE: Well, that sounds way far-fetched,
but you know best. Prosticution, call
your first witness.

LAWYER: Thank you, mlud. I call the eminent
and unimpeachable expert Dr Strokula
to the stand.


COURT CLERK: Call Dr Strokula!

FX Old man walking up to the stand.

LAWYER: State your name and profession.

DR STROKULA: I am Dr Bendi Strokula. I have
practised as a psychologist for 42
years, specialising in the psychology
of the deranged criminal mind.

LAWYER: I see. Now, Dr Strokula, I would like
you to take a look at the two
accused. They are the aliens you can
see cowering beside the defence
counsel over there.

DR STROKULA: (putting on glasses) I can see them;
oh yes, a pair of interesting
subjects.

LAWYER: Considering the serious charges
against the accused, what is your
conclusion as to their guilt?

DR STROKULA:

Well they certainly look suspicious,
theres no doubt about that. They
have a furtive, hunted look which I
have seen many times in the faces of

DR STROKULA
/cont:

persistent criminals, and this
clearly indicates to me that they are
harbouring unsavoury thoughts. I
would describe their features as
alien and this is also an indicator
of a negative attitude and a strong
tendency to antisocial behaviour.

It is unlikely that these prisoners
will share our high standards of
integrity or our sense of fair play.
I would argue that, in a very real
sense, these two defendants are
outwith our moral world, or extimum
nostras universitas moralis, as we
eminent psychologists say. What we
say is wrong, they consider right.
Where we own up to small mistakes,
they falsely profess their innocence
to the end, refusing to confess to
their crimes even up to the point of
execution. I have seen it so many
times.

On the specific charge of spying,
what we law-abiding citizens consider
a top-secret government defence
project, people of their type see as
a way of making a lot of money by

DR STROKULA
/cont:

selling pictures of it to an enemy of
the state. Its a fascinating
syndrome, and sadly not uncommon
these days.

LAWYER: I see. Thank you for that expert
analysis. I have only one further
question, Dr Strokula: If it walks
like a flob, swims like a flob and
quacks like a flob, what in your
professional opinion is it?

DR STOKULA: After a lifetime at the top of my
profession, I should have no
hesitation in declaring that it is a
flob.

LAWYER: Thank you, Dr Strokula. Your witness,
counsel.


Scene Six: Narration
NARRATOR:

Things are not going well in court
for Ted and Daisy. As the evidence
for looking suspicious mounts, will
they be convicted of espionage or
will Plapreflap astonish the court
with a triumphant defence?

NARRATOR /cont:

Find out in the next nail-biting

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...



DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 06: THE VERDICT



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 JR Kalistan-mm
7 LAWYER Kalistan-mm
8 JUDGE Kalistan-mm child
9 PLAPREFLAP Kalistan-mm
10 COURT CLERK Kalistan-mm
11 TICK Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR: Is quantitative easing making your
brain ache? Is your job less than
satisfying? Look up, entrepreneurs of
Earth. Above your heads are billions
of planets ripe for ruthless business
exploitation. Get up and go; do...
DEALS IN SPACE! Episode Six: THE
VERDICT.


Ted and Daisy are being tried as
spies, having stumbled across a
Thadiwak missile by mistake in Nation
4. At their trial an expert witness,
Dr Strokula, has testified that if it
walks like a flob, swims like a flob
and quacks like a flob, then it is a
flob. After such damning evidence can
the verdict of the 14-year old judge
be anything but guilty?

Scene Two: Int Location, Dreppage Central Court
LAWYER: Thank you, Dr Strokula. Your witness,
defence counsel.

PLAPREFLAP: The defence has no questions.

JUDGE: Are you done, prosecution?

LAWYER: (confidently) Yes, mlud.

JUDGE: What have you got to beat that,
defence counsel Plapreflap?

PLAPREFLAP: Your honour, if my clients could be
freed from their chains, I would like
to call them both as witnesses.

JUDGE: Will we be safe?

PLAPREFLAP: I guarantee it.

JUDGE: OK. Officers, undo the chains.

FX Chains being removed.

PLAPREFLAP:

(whispering) Ted and Daisy, I want
you to take the stand. But first put
on your eyebrow and moustache sets.
Youll get more sympathy if you look

PLAPREFLAP
/cont:
like us. And remember the judge is a
child.

TED: (whispers) OK, if you think itll
help.

FX Ted and Daisy walk to the witness
box.

PLAPREFLAP:

Ted and Daisy, please tell the court
the whole truth concerning the events
that led up to your being found in a
missile hangar at the Nation 4
Academy of Science, Mathematics and
Intellectual Elitism yesterday.

DAISY: (little girl voice) Well, to be
honest, we were being a bit naughty.
We found the lecture by that science
guy a bit boring, you know?

JUDGE: Understood. I hate science.

DAISY: We saw a sign pointing to a shrine to
cosmology, so we left the rest of our
group to go and find it.

JUDGE: That sounds fun.


DAISY: We thought we were being followed, so
we ran. But there were still people
chasing after us.

JUDGE: Wow! This is kind of like a spy
thriller. Were you scared?

TED: (little boy voice) We was well
scared, so we hid behind a door. It
turned out to be the door of a big
hangar. A nice man in a white coat
told us a whole lot of stuff that we
didnt understand. Not one bit of it.

JUDGE: Bor-ing! That guy sounds just like
our physics teacher at school.

DAISY: (sobbing) Then we got arrested, just
because we was lost. Its not fair.

JUDGE: Youre right. Its just not fair.
Beastly police. Theyre such bullies.

PLAPREFLAP: That concludes my questions. Your
witness, counsel.

LAWYER: (shouting) Confess! Confess your
crimes!


DAISY: (starts to cry)

TED: There, there, Daisy.

JUDGE: (pounding gavel) Hey, dont be mean
to her. She looks like one of my
mums. Shes had a bit of bad luck,
thats all. Leave her alone.

OK, everyone, thats the end of the
case. You can go back to your seats.

FX Hubbub, fading to silence.

COURT CLERK: Pray silence for the learned judges
summing up.

JUDGE:

Ahem! I was well impressed with the
prosticution. I thought the aliens
looked guilty as hell and though I
didnt understand the joke about the
flob I was well convinced by the old
doctor guy. Lets face it, at that
point we all knew they done it,
right?

But when they come up here, I got to
say I saw them for what they really
are kind of just like us, you know?

JUDGE /cont: They look like us, they do naughty
things like us, like bunking off from
boring science lessons; and they cry
like my mums when someones being
mean to them, such as me.

And anyway the alien Ted said he
didnt understand anything about that
rocket, so what secrets could he
have? Our enemies would never pay
money for information from some guy
whos, like, older than both my dads.

My dads never get TV shows like Buffy
the Vampire Slayer; theyre, like,
totally der! So how is this old guy
going to understand rocket science
thats so awesome? Its just not
gonna happen.

Ive decided that all the charges
against the accused will be dropped.
Free the prisoners!

TED and DAISY: Hurray!

TED: Lets thank Plapreflap and then go
and find the others.


Scene Three: Ext Location, Dreppage Central Court
CROWD: (Lots of noise) How do you feel,
aliens? (Etc)

DAISY: (shouting over din) Its good to be
believed.

DAVE: Actually, how do you really feel?

DAISY: Like I need a drink.

JR: Follow me. I know an Irish pub where
we can get some claw hammers.

Scene Four: Int Location, Irish Pub
JR: Let me get the drinks. Im going to
order claw hammers, a local soft
drink, or mocktail I think you call
them.

FX Clinking glasses.

WALDO: This claw hammer tastes interesting.
What does it have in it, JR?

JR: Mostly whisky and dack juice, I
believe, perhaps with a little
fiffle.


DAVE: I thought you said it was a soft
drink. It tastes quite strong to me;
and if it has whisky in it, wouldnt
that include alcohol?

JR:

Oh yes, its alcoholic all right, a
real bracer. We call alcoholic drinks
soft because theyre a lot milder
than drinking sulphuric acid.

WALDO: On Earth a soft drink contains no
alcohol or sulphuric acid.

JR: Wow, I bet they dont sell many of
those!

WALDO: These crisps are unusual. Do you know
what flavour they are?

JR: (taking a bite) Theyre grofus-
flavoured loof chips, I think.
Theyre one of the most popular kind,
not like some of the exotic ones you
can get these days.

WALDO: Im actually quite peckish. Do you
think we could order some nuts?


JR: Waldo, Nation 4 is a devoutly Pradist
country. They dont serve nuts.

DAVE: Im just so glad thats all over. As
leader of this expedition Id never
have forgiven myself if something had
happened to you, Ted and Daisy.

DAISY: Well, were sorry we caused you all
this trouble.

TED: Well just have to be a bit more
careful in future.

DAISY: Lets change the subject. Our judge
I didnt catch her name did she say
that she had two mothers?

WALDO: She said she had two fathers, too.

JR: Thats the usual number, though these
days divorce is becoming more common.
Its not unusual for a child to be
brought up in a broken home, with
only one father and one mother. Its
tragic.

WALDO: So how does that work, then? Do two
men and two women get married?

JR: (laughing) No, Waldo. That would be
very funny. Oh, you humans have such
a great sense of humour. No, it
doesnt happen like that at all. A
man and a woman get married and then
they choose another man and another
woman to marry them one at a time,
until they have the required number
four! to apply for a breeding
licence. Its much less extraordinary
than you were thinking.

WALDO: So once you have two men and two
women all married together, they can
have children?

JR: Yes.

TED: And how does one go about actually,
you know, creating a child?

JR:

The normal way, just like you. The
two women obtain fertiliser from the
two men; three weeks later, if they
are blessed by Lonnie Prad, the women
lay one egg each.

(noticing the humans unease) Is that
so unusual? Come to think of it, I

JR /cont: never saw a woman on Dallas laying an
egg. I guess it must be a very
private process in China.

DAVE: (diplomatically) Its exactly as we
expected, JR.

JR:

(relieved) I think it must be
basically the same all over the
galaxy. Isnt evolution wonderful?
Its given us a system where nobody
knows which man fathered which egg,
so they both take care of both
children equally. Basically, its
evolution solving the problem of
where to get a baby-sitter.

Of course with incubation agencies,
its so much more convenient these
days. And three weeks after theyre
hatched, theyre ready for school, so
parenting isnt the struggle it was.

Incidentally, these recent changes
have been tremendously empowering for
women. Freed from the chore of
sitting on their egg, women have
become educated, got jobs and made
their way up what I think you call

JR /cont: the greasy pole of careers in
industry and public service.

DAISY:

Ive been very impressed by how many
women weve seen here in positions of
authority. I have to admit that Im
not absolutely certain I can always
tell the difference between the sexes
but, when I can, Ive noticed a sense
of real equality.

JR: Thanks for that observation from as
it were an outsider, Daisy. Its
good to know how our society looks
from the point of view of a
dispassionate observer. Its true
that women have done well, bless
them. And theyve done it despite
their almost negligible capacity for
rational thought.

DAISY: Excuse me?

JR:

Think about the speed of evolution.
Its slow. It took the people of the
Wet Country six generations to
develop webbed feet. Here in the more
developed nations we have had
incubation agencies for less than two

JR /cont: generations. Its quite
understandable that women havent had
time to adjust, intellectually, to
their new way of life. After all,
theyre designed to sit on an egg in
a cave for three weeks every year,
then spend three more weeks
regurgitating half-digested food to
feed their hatchling. Ha ha.

Habits like that dont just die out
overnight. You dont need to be a
genius to sit on an egg. In fact, the
stupider you are, the better youll
fulfil your role which is to shut up
and stay put in the cave until one of
your husbands comes back from the
hunt dragging a dead grathus from
which you are to prepare a nutritious
meal for the family. It stands to
reason.


NARRATOR:

With tempers in the Irish Pub likely
to be running high for some little
while, now is a good time to explain
the system of government on Kalista-

NARRATOR /cont:

mm.

The most important day-to-day
decisions are taken by the national
governments; theres one for each
country. They have ministries of the
interior, exterior, finance, justice,
environment and so on.

The very strict and far-ranging
regulations designed to protect the
environment and keep it in pristine
condition for future generations of
Kalistan-mms are widely flouted. Its
a convenient compromise the
regulations look terrific on paper,
yet the very profitable polluting
industries dont have to waste time
and money in complying with them.

Below the national parliaments are
the infra-national parliaments which
take care of things like street
lights, rubbish collections and
speed-humps. More local still are the
sub-infra-national governments. The
job of their members of parliament is
to pop round to your house for a cup
of jubifroot if youre feeling a bit

NARRATOR /cont:

lonely.

Back up at the top of this hugely
bureaucratic and frighteningly
expensive pyramid is the planetary
government, controlled by the
Planetary Grand Council. This has few
responsibilities; the main function
of the body, which has lavish
accommodation in a vast complex of
fortified buildings at the Government
Hub, is to allow its members to
accumulate frequent flyer points.
There are 500 planetary MPs and
thousands of civil servants and these
people all travel around the planet a
great deal.

Frequent flyer points can be redeemed
by MPs at the ConsumerMart at the
Government Hub. You can get things
like food blenders, TVs, sporty
vehicles and package vacations to the
holiday planet of Salutan. It all
depends on how much senseless flying
you have done.

Kalistan-mms are proud of their
system of government which creates

NARRATOR /cont: jobs for hundreds of shelf-stackers
at the ConsumerMart.

Scene Six: Int Location, Dreppage Hotel Breakfast Room
FX Breakfast noises.

DAISY: This breakfast is good if you stay
away from anything that looks alive.

DAVE: My mondrofio rashers and flob eggs
are delicious.

DAISY: Can you believe JRs attitude
yesterday evening? He said women
couldnt think. Hes a thoroughly
unconstructed chauvinist.

DAVE: We are sure that hes a male, are we?

DAISY: We are now.

DAVE:

Dont forget hes not human, Daisy,
hes from another species. How upset
do you get when you see a lion
lording it over his females? Isnt it
the case that the lioness does all
the hunting, bears the cubs, does
most of the housework and enjoys a
pretty low status in the pride, while

DAVE /cont:

the king of the jungle spends his
time snoozing on a rock? Does that
make him a chauvinist? Does it make
you upset?

DAISY: But thats natural.

DAVE: So is JR. So are we.

DAISY: Thats so like a man to try to
wriggle your way out with a spurious
argument.

DAVE: Im not wriggling. Im gay; I love
women.

DAISY: Oh! Oh, here come the others. Good
morning.

WALDO: Good morning. I trust the released
prisoners had a good nights sleep.

TED: Very good, thank you, Waldo.

JR:

Lets talk about the programme for
today. We lost a day from our
schedule due to yesterdays trial,
which I hope we can all put behind
us. To get back on track, I suggest

JR /cont: that we split into two groups for the
next business visits. And I hope
today will give you more material for
your book, Dave.

You will all be going to Nation 2.
The country, known affectionately as
the Mountain Fortress, is very
mountainous. They have a lot of snow
in the winter.

WALDO: Any skiing?

JR:

Yes, some, though the frozen acid can
be corrosive to conventional
equipment.

Waldo, I have made an appointment for
you with the Mountain Bank of
Nobility and Profit, MBNP. Who would
like to go with Waldo for an
introduction to financial services on
Kalista-mm?

TED: Ill go.

JR:

Thanks, Ted. MBNP is located in
Mampan, the capital and financial
centre of the Mountain Fortress - in

JR /cont: fact, probably the biggest financial
centre in the world.

Daisy, your appointment is with the
marketing manager of the Mountain
Beverage Company (mountains are very
popular in Nation 2 company names),
located in the highlands at a place
called Frough. Dave, would you like
to accompany Daisy?

DAVE: Id be pleased to.

JR: In both cases, your flights will be
met at Arrivals. Look out for someone
holding up a sign with a mountain
logo on it.

DAVE: Where will you be going, JR?

JR:

I shall be returning to my office at
the Government Hub for the day. Ill
meet you there again tomorrow around
lunchtime.

Dont forget you are invited to
attend a gala reception tomorrow
night hosted by my boss, the minister
of interplanetary brotherhood.

DAVE: Were looking forward to it.

JR: OK, then. If youve all had enough
mondrofio and flob eggs, I suggest
you check out of your rooms and we
all meet in reception in half an hour
for the minibus.

Scene Seven: Int Location, Lindop Airport Arrivals
DAVE: Now were looking for someone holding
up a mountain logo.

DAISY: They all are.

DAVE: This place must be extremely
mountainous.

DAISY: Look, there it is, the Mountain
Beverage Company.

TICK: Welcome to the Mountain Fortress.

FX Snuffling of moustache greeting

TICK:

My names Tick. I am the marketing
manager of the Mountain Beverage
Company. We have just a short drive
through the mountains to Frough. Our
headquarters are up there, in the

TICK /cont: mountainous highlands.

FX Car doors opened and closed, car on
road.

DAVE: How high are the mountains here in
the Mountain Fortress?

TICK: Oh, tremendously high. The highest
mountains in the world are to be
found right here in the Mountain
Fortress. Here, even the valleys are
high, so you can imagine how high the
mountains are.

DAISY: Its very beautiful; it reminds me of
Austria.

TICK: Is that in China?

DAISY:

Er, no. Its good to see the Smiling
Disc shining brightly and the sky
almost blue, except for that orange
glow low down on the horizon.

The grass is definitely greener here,
not as dead as it was in the other
countries weve visited. Look at
those charming cottages with their

DAISY /cont:

picket fences and colourful flowers.

DAVE: Theres a herd of dargus. And those
things swooping across the sky, they
look a bit like birds. Its like a
chocolate box.

TICK: Were here. This is the Mountain
Beverage Company.

FX Car stops, doors bang, footsteps.

TICK: Please come into our meeting room.
You will notice that around the walls
we have proudly displayed hundreds of
bottles. These are the products of
our company.

DAISY: Just like home, except perhaps for
the green and blue ones.


NARRATOR:

What are the secrets of success of
the Mountain Beverage Company? Is it
the purity of their ingredients? The
compelling flavour of their drinks?
The long heritage of their company?

NARRATOR /cont:

Or is it the alcohol?

Find out in the next revealing

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...



DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 07: WALDO RECEIVES AN OFFER



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 TICK Kalistan-mm
8 DIRK Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR: Are your customers a pain? Is your
turnover flat-lining? Look up,
for ruthless business exploitation.
Seek out obscene profits; get up and
go; do... DEALS IN SPACE! Episode
Seven: WALDO RECEIVES AN OFFER.


Dave and Daisy are guests of Tick,
the marketing manager of the Mountain
Beverage Company in Frough, a
mountain village in the mountainous
country of Nation 2, known as the
Mountain Fortress. Could it possibly
get more mountainous?


Scene Two: Int Location, Meeting Room
TICK:

My name is Tick. Let me start by
welcoming you to the Mountain
Beverage Company. Its a great honour
to have such distinguished guests
from so far away. I will give you an
overall profile of our company and
its products; then perhaps you can
tell me a little about your
experiences of drinks on Earth, the
issues you face and so on. Then we
might discuss how we could do
business together in the future. How
does that sound?

DAISY: Perfect.

DAVE: What about the samples?

TICK: Oh, you mean all the bottles
displayed around the walls here? Of
course, you are welcome to sample any
of our brands a little later.

DAVE: Good. Im looking forward to that.

TICK:

Right, lets start. The Mountain
Beverage Company was founded more
than a hundred years ago. It was a

TICK /cont: family concern, hand-making small
batches of high quality whisky for
discerning consumers who became
fiercely loyal to the brand. The
business diversified into different
beverages gin, blag, vodka,
snoffratan, port and so on until it
became easily the biggest maker of
soft drinks in the world.

DAISY: On Earth, soft drinks are ones
without alcohol.

TICK:

No? Really? Who would drink those?
Very weird. No, here a soft drink is
one without sulphuric acid. Like a
health drink. Anyway, now the company
is an industrial behemoth. Our huge
size has allowed us to throw off the
mind-limiting technical knowledge of
the past. Now we employ bright young
Kalistan-mms with business degrees
and encourage them to wear smart
casual clothes, like they do at
Google. Theyre so cool, dont you
think? These young turks are not
distracted by the petty distinctions
between, say, brewing, fermenting,
distilling and all that bla bla bla.

TICK /cont: These are serious marketing
professionals who know the labels
that sell and the ones that stay on
the shelf.

DAVE: Could we have a look at some of your
products?

FX Clinking bottles.

TICK: Of course, Dave. At the heart of our
business are our brands. Lets use
these two brands as a case study of
how we market soft drinks in this
country, the Mountain Fortress, so
successfully. The first ones for
you, Daisy.

DAISY: Alright, what do I see?...First, the
label shows a large animal, its front
feet placed rather heroically on an
outcrop of rock in a patch of heather
and its antlers framing the sky.

TICK: Thats a grathus.

DAISY:

A grathus. I see. And in the
background there are snow-peaked
mountains and, in front of them, a

DAISY /cont: golf course with a golfer teeing off.

The label reads Sporran McTartans
Best Old Scotch Whisky. Then below:
Afore ye Fall Doon. And theres
some small print: Aged 10 years in
old oak casks and Blended and
bottled in Scotland. It certainly
seems very Scottish, yet its made
here on Kalista-mm.

TICK:

Yes. The vital thing for us is
authenticity. A consumer can see
straight through a brand that is not
presented with complete integrity.

Heritage is an important selling
point. Our whisky drinkers want to
feel that they are part of the
Scottish experience even though
they have no idea where the Earth is,
let alone an insignificant speck of
land like Scotland. But thats not
the point. We are not selling
Scotland, but an idea of Scotland.
Also, were selling a liquid that
makes you very wobbly on your feet
when you get up to go to your car.


TICK /cont:

Of course not all of our consumers
are the same. Sporran McTartans
the bottle you are holding there,
Daisy is aimed at the older
consumer. He or she will be in his
mid to late forties, be successful in
his job, have wives and a family and
a nice car. Hell entertain business
clients at his golf club on a
Sentiflax. Hell take his family on a
turbo-snorkelling vacation in Salutan
every summer. Hell go to the Mooon
with his university friends and sleep
with prostitutes. Hell be concerned
about his receding eyebrows and he
may not like the vase one of his
wives mothers gave them last
Prantimas, preferring to display his
golfing trophy in that particular
position on the mantelpiece.

Hes probably entering a mid-life
crisis. Hes chubby around the
middle; he hasnt got quite as far in
his job as some of his friends; his
potency is in doubt; and he has
recently realised that both of his
wives are older and less attractive
than Frooquita, the topless dancer

TICK /cont: who sat on his lap in the Irish pub
last night.

DAISY: You certainly know your consumers
well.

TICK:

I should. Im married to two of them.
This is where Sporran McTartans
comes in. This innocent-looking
bottle of liquid responds to all of a
typical consumers needs. It gives
him self-respect, status, a feeling
of belonging, a share in the brands
heritage, a sense of sophistication
and a feeling that he has arrived. It
also makes him come to bed smelling
of a strange womans perfume, fart,
go immediately to sleep and snore
loudly.

Now, lets contrast that with the
bottle that youre holding there,
Dave.

DAVE:

Alright. Ill describe this one. Its
a brown liquid. Id call the label
plain, all white, with garish bold
lettering saying: Scotty McScots
Firewater. Below this it says: Easy

DAVE /cont: drinking high-strength liquor from
another planet and Get off your
head, fast!

TICK:

Do you notice the difference in
consumer targeting? Sporran
McTartans is designed to be
discovered by the mature drinker in
some dusty corner of a specialist
beverage shop; Scotty McScots is
designed to leap off the shelf in
your local convenience store or be
pointed out on the back shelf of an
Irish pub by a young drinker
incapable of stringing together more
than a few slurred words.

DAISY: Theres some strong age-bracketing
going on here.

TICK: Indeed there is. One brand is for the
mature, the other for the immature.
Both are very successful brands; both
finely tuned to their markets.

DAVE: What about the actual drink? How do
the whiskies inside these bottles
differ?


TICK: (surprised) Oh, theyre exactly the
same; they come out of the same tank.
Its just the labels that are
different.

DAISY: (diplomatically) You talked about
authenticity, but what about these
claims here on this label? Im
impressed that the brand is aged 10
years in old oak casks, especially
if the liquid is the same in both
brands, because you dont make the
same claim on the Scotty McScots
label.

TICK:

We actually just put that there
because we found it helped increase
sales. We copied it off a duty-free
bottle that a tourist from Earth left
in his hotel room on Salutan a few
years ago, so we know the statement
is authentic. We dont actually know
what it means, but the important
thing is that it works.

Perhaps you can help me? What is oak,
for example?

DAVE: Its a kind of tree.

TICK: (confused) So they leave their whisky
in a tree for ten years? That seems
kind of risky.

DAVE: No, they make a barrel out of oak
wood and keep the whisky in that. The
whisky absorbs flavours from the
wood.

TICK: We like to get our products on the
shelf a bit quicker than that! What
would we do for ten years while we
hung around for the bloody stuff to
cook? Ha ha ha.

DAISY: You need to have started ten years
earlier.

TICK: Whatever, we dont have to get
flavours from an old bit of wood. We
have the Synth-Flav Corporation. They
deliver all the flavours we need in
tankers.

DAISY: I wonder if I could have a look
around your distillery? It would be
fascinating to compare it with the
facilities we have back home.


TICK: Actually, we no longer have a
distillery here. We buy in all our
alcohol in bulk.

DAISY: (shocked) And then?

TICK:

Its delivered by tanker to Scotland,
which is what we call our blending
and bottling shed so that part of
the label is true enough. We add the
flavours I was telling you about
whisky flavour, gin, snoffratan, blag
and so on shove it in a bottle,
screw on the cap and slap on a label.
Then its straight off to the shops.


NARRATOR:

Kalista-mm can be a confusing place
for the first-time visitor, but at
least the process of choosing
politicians to govern each of the
nations is comfortingly familiar.

The system is fully democratic.
Ordinary citizens have one vote each
from the moment they hatch until
their 60th birthday at which point

NARRATOR /cont:

theyre considered too demented and
confused to contribute further to
such an important decision.

Rich people are not allowed to vote
at all because they have ample
opportunity to bribe government
officials and influence policy in
their favour.

On the other hand, the poor are given
two votes each. These are cast on
different-coloured paper from
ordinary citizens and, when the
ballot closes, are quietly discarded
without being counted. The poor have
such a miserable existence that this
one gesture makes them feel a little
better, as if their voice was being
listened to, which it isnt. After
all, theyre poor so no-ones
interested in their opinion anyway.

So it all works out pretty well. The
poor are happy because they think
theyre involved; the middle class
are happy because they choose the
government; and the rich are happy
because, whichever party wins, the

NARRATOR /cont: government works for them. Its
whats called a win-win-win process
though it doesnt really deserve the
name process; its more a way of
muddling through.

Now, as Daisy and Dave are swapping
experiences with Tick at the Mountain
Beverage Company, Waldo and Ted are
approaching the gleaming financial
centre of Mampan. Skyscrapers of
glass and stone line the busy
streets. The place oozes prosperity
like a dripping sponge. This is where
the wealth of the planet is processed
and recycled. This is where capital
is traded, risks offset, and fortunes
made and lost.

The humans minibus stops outside one
of the biggest and grandest of the
skyscrapers, which is faced entirely
with yellow mirror. With its sharply
tapering top, it thrusts into the sky
like a golden sword.

Scene Four: Int Location, Bank reception
RECEPTIONIST:

(cheerily) Welcome to the Pointy
Yellow Shiny Building. Please take

RECEPTIONIST
/cont:
the elevator to the 23rd floor.

WALDO: Thanks. Come on, Ted.

FX Lift whooshes up, doors open, ping.

Scene Five: Int Location, Bank office
DIRK: Oh hi! You must be Waldo and Ted. Im
Dirk, your host for the day.

FX Snuffling sounds of moustache
greeting ceremony.

DIRK: Come and have coffee in our breakout
area.

FX Coffee cups clinking.

DIRK:

Here you are. No milk or sugar; just
as you like it, I think.

Let me introduce you to our business.
Whats important here is heritage,
hence the name of our bank, the
Mountain Bank of Nobility and Profit.
Historically, our business looked
after the money of the old, old,
historic families of the Mountain
Fortress. This is money that these

DIRK /cont: ancient families originally made from
land and the other traditional
sources extortion from feckless
serfs and confiscation of property
from the weak and defenceless.

We would receive this money from
lords and ladies, counts and
baronesses and put it at tremendous
risk, thereby making colossal profits
for our clients, yes, but chiefly for
ourselves. Thats the explanation of
the last part of our name, profit.

WALDO: So youre a bank and investment
adviser?

DIRK: Were everything, old boy. If its
got anything to do with money, we do
it. Except counterfeiting; that would
be illegal! Ha ha ha.

WALDO: Lets start with insurance. I guess
you insure lives, property, shipping,
all the usual things?

DIRK:

Yes, if you have a risk of any kind,
well insure you. I say insure you,
but comfort you is probably a

DIRK /cont: better description because we stop
short of actually compensating
customers financially for their
losses. We tried that; we would
promise that, should your house burn
down, we would pay you enough to
build it again. Thats what we said,
but while we liked to see premiums
flowing in, we didnt so much like to
see claim payments flowing out.

WALDO: But thats the whole point of
insurance.

DIRK:

Indeed it is, but possession is ten
tenths of the law as we say in the
Mountain Fortress, so what we do now
is send a man with a clipboard around
to the charred hulk of what was once
your dream home and adjust your
loss a service we perform entirely
free of charge, I might mention.

For example, if your house is
completely destroyed and its going
to cost 100,000 grout to build it
again, we adjust that loss down to
a more manageable 50,000 grout, say.


DIRK /cont:

This isnt popular with customers, I
can tell you. Anyway, rather than
tinker about with a solution that
wouldnt suit us, we plan to stop
paying out on claims altogether. Its
going to be much simpler. From now
on, if your house burns down, you
will receive a tremendously
sympathetic letter from our chairman,
personally signed by his secretary,
along with a helpful list of local
charities who give hand-outs of soup
to the homeless.

Its still less than ideal, but at
least everyone knows where they stand
and theres no unpleasant argy-bargy
when peoples husbands die or their
cabin cruisers sink with the loss of
all hands.

But thats enough about insurance;
after all, its not the most
glamorous end of the business, is it?
If I may speak to you man to man,
youre not going to get into a girls
derridowns by telling her youre an
insurance man. Ha ha ha. Derivatives,
now theyre sexy. Tell a girl in an

DIRK /cont: Irish pub that youre in mondrofio
belly futures and shell be all over
you like a case of the Maprapan pox.

Come and have a look at our dealing
pit.

Scene Six: Int Location, Bank Dealing Room
FX A riot of shouting.

TED: There must be 500 people in here.

DIRK:

Traders. This is where we used to
trade futures, options and swaps in
shares, bonds, currencies, sardines,
dried grofus, frozen quansy juice,
petroflax tongues if it was an
instrument or a commodity, wed trade
in it.

We made money hand over fist. We did
deals that would make your eyes
water. Finally, we attempted a deal
that would have made everyone in the
bank... not millionaires. Whats the
word Im looking for in English?

TED: Billionaires?


DIRK:

No, thats not it, we were
billionaires already. Even the guy
who shines the chairmans sandals has
a red Trandostar GTX. Trillionaires,
thats the word. But instead, it
brought the bank to bankruptcy. We
were gambling money we just didnt
have. It was fantastic fun. We had to
be bailed out by the government which
got so upset it made derivative
trading illegal.

WALDO: But youre still doing it.

DIRK:

Yes and no. The problem is that
trading was such a tremendous blast
and attracted such bright young
ambitious go-getters to the bank. So
we carried on trading but in a
virtual currency, the v-grout. Now,
we can take colossal risks and it
doesnt matter at all if they go bad
because its all just pretend money.
The kids here are happy, the
government is happy and the bank is
happy because somehow they still
manage to make huge amounts of real
money from it. Im not quite sure
how.

DIRK /cont: But tell me, Waldo, youre a money
man, how do you make your best
returns on Earth?

WALDO:

(thinking) Its a good question. Let
me think. Of all the activities that
my firm is involved in, Id say the
most profitable is cheating our
customers. Other things, like making
legitimate investments just dont
come close. If I want to go to Cannes
on my own yacht with two little
ladies hanging on my arms and I do
then day-to-day business is not
going to get me there anything like
fast enough.

But rich and gullible clients, like
the government...

DIRK: Yeah? Your government sounds pretty
much like ours they have heaps of
money, theyre in awe of banks with
historical names and they have
absolutely no interest in how much
they pay for advice we made up the
night before in the Irish pub.


WALDO:

(giggling) Another great thing about
having the government for a client is
that when they overpay us for some
bit of tommy-rot, nothing is done to
punish the chap that hired us. Its
all brushed under the carpet by the
high-ups in case the scandal spreads
up to them. Then a few weeks later
the same guy is back on our doorstep
with another big wad of public money
in his hand wanting more rubbish
advice.

DIRK: Isnt it amazing? It must be the same
all over the galaxy.

WALDO: Youre so right.

TED: Its been great talking to you, Dirk,
but I fear its time for us to leave.
Waldo?

WALDO: Oh, god, yes. Look at the timer.
Sadly, we must go.

DIRK: Let me walk you to the elevator.


Scene Seven: Int Location, By The Elevator
DIRK:

Waldo, old man, Ive been thinking.
Here in the bank we could use someone
with your experience and your...
spunk. Lifes pretty good here in
Mampan. Theres good food, great
Irish pubs, mountain scenery and
skiing if you dont mind falling into
drifts of frozen sulphuric acid. We
have the Mooon for weekends man,
you should see the girls they have up
on the Mooon and the holiday planet
of Salutan which is great in the
summer. You can get a cabin cruiser
there and sail around with a little
lady on each arm, just like in your
dream.

Here at the bank we could offer you
whatever you wanted a big desk, an
office the size of a Peefla village,
a secretary with nice eyebrows and a
long moustache, and a salary beyond
your wildest dreams. Theres
literally no limit to the money you
could make here. So what do you say?

WALDO: Im tempted, certainly, and
flattered.

DIRK: So whats the promplem? Have you got
a couple of little wifeys waiting for
you back on Earth?

WALDO: No, actually, Ive got no
commitments. I have a flat in
Docklands that I could let out. Maybe
I could ask Ted here to arrange that,
as there will hardly be time for me
to fly back, do that and get back
here before you get old.

TED: Sure, Ill do what I can.

DIRK: Think it over, Waldo.

FX Elevator pings.

WALDO: Ill get back to you, Dirk. Goodbye.

FX Elevator doors close.


NARRATOR:

What is Waldo thinking of? Taking a
job 19 light-years from home - could
that ever work? And what of Daisy and
Dave? Will they sample the whisky

NARRATOR /cont:

made by the Mountain Beverage
Company? If so, will they survive?

Find out in the next extraordinary

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...


DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 08: JUST ONE MORE CLAW HAMMER



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 MIXOLOGIST Kalistan-mm
7 TICK Kalistan-mm
8 BARMAN Kalistan-mm
9 JR Kalistan-mm
10 MINISTER Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR:

Is your business failing to perform?
Are your hopes and dreams in tatters?
Look up, entrepreneurs of Earth.
Above your heads are billions of
planets ripe for ruthless business
exploitation. Move into new markets;
take your secretary on a little
jaunt; get up and go; do... DEALS IN
SPACE! Episode Eight: JUST ONE MORE
CLAW HAMMER.


Waldo has been offered a job by the
Bank of Nobility and Profit in the
mountain city of Mampan, 19 light-
years from his Docklands flat. While
hes thinking about how big a desk he
could demand, Daisy and Dave are
guests of Tick, marketing manager of
the Mountain Beverage Company.

NARRATOR /cont: Somewhat recklessly, Tick has invited
her visitors to the company bar.

Scene Two: Int Location, Company Bar
FX Someone mixing cocktails.

DAVE: This is an extensive cocktail menu.
Ill try a Mud Bucket, please.

FX Pouring cocktail.

MIXOLOGIST: One Mud Bucket, sir, shaken not
stirred.

DAVE: (drinks) Mmm, I quite like that,
except perhaps for the baby crab on
the stick. Its still alive.

MIXOLOGIST: An ijijik, sir. You could hardly call
it a classic Mud Bucket without an
ijijik on a stick.

DAVE: No, well, maybe not.

TICK: Now, Daisy, were both in the drinks
business. Lets compare notes.

DAISY:

Drinks manufacturers on Earth are
really in the firing line these days,

DAISY /cont: Tick. We seem to get the blame for so
many of societys ills.

TICK: That is so true. Here in Nation 2 it
seems that every promplem in the
community is somehow down to us.

DAISY: Tick; Im so glad we met. We can
definitely learn from each other.
Lets go through all the issues.

TICK: OK. Most important is overage
drinking.

DAISY: (a bit confused) Youre so right,
only on Earth we call it underage
drinking.

DAVE: Next, I think Ill have a Scud
Missile.

MIXOLOGIST: (shaking cocktail) Certainly, sir.

TICK:

Really? I can kind of see a reason
for that. Anyway, here in the
Mountain Fortress we call it overage
drinking because its illegal to sell
soft drinks to anyone over the age of
60. But of course the old dears get

TICK /cont: hold of alcohol anyway; their
children buy it for them. This can
create all sorts of promplems. Being
doddery anyway, when theyve had a
few bracers they forget their
appointments at the clinic, leave
their teeth on the bus and drive
their disabled-buggies over cliffs.
And of course we get the blame. Is it
the same on Earth?

DAISY: (hesitantly) Its similar, except we
get blamed when children drink. And
of course, by soft drinks you just
mean they have no sulphuric acid.
They still have alcohol, right?

TICK: Oh yes, loads of alcohol. Otherwise,
why would anyone drink them, eh? Ha
ha.

DAISY: Quite. Well, in most countries on
Earth, youre not allowed to buy
drink under the age of about 18.

TICK: Really? How odd. I dont think my 12-
year old could make it through the
school day without a couple of
powerful snifters at breakfast.

DAISY: But our old people are allowed to
drink as much as they like.

TICK: So theres no law on Earth to protect
the old folks? Huh! And they call us
irresponsible!

DAVE: These cocktails are excellent, really
very tasty. You have a good man here,
Tick. You hear that? Youre a good
man, Cocktailman. Next, Im going to
go for a Splitting Headache. Are they
good?

MIXOLOGIST: (mixing) An excellent choice, sir.

DAISY: (musing) Perhaps our markets arent
quite as similar as I thought. What
about another issue? Drink-driving is
always a hot topic on Earth and puts
us in the firing line yet again.

TICK:

Now that issue is exactly the same
here. Dont talk to me about drink-
driving. As a company we do accept
that a golf ball can be a lethal
projectile, and when a few friends
from work meet up for 18 holes on a
Sentiflax morning they do tend to get

TICK /cont: thoroughly wasted in the clubhouse
first. But, when the neighbours start
complaining about broken panes in
their greenhouses and dents in their
new cars, all of a sudden its our
fault, which we dont accept at all.

Does anyone blame irresponsible
golfers driving down the fairways?
No, its the poor drinks industry
again. But how is it our fault? Were
not forcing them to drink any more
than a dynamite salesman forces
terrorists to let off bombs.

DAVE: (slurred) When youre ready there, my
good man, Ill have a... Diesel
Locomotive. Thish time, make it a
bubble. Bubble! Ha ha ha. I mean
double, make it a double. Daisy, I
said bubble!

DAISY: Yes, Dave. Actually, Tick, I wasnt
really thinking about driving on a
golf course. I meant the problems we
have on Earth with people driving
cars while drunk, but Ive just
remembered that your cars dont have
drivers.

TICK: Right, cars arent a promplem for us
at all. In fact, most of them come
with a cocktail cabinet as standard
so theyre a great sales opportunity.

DAISY:

On Earth we have strict rules about
how alcohol is marketed. We mustnt
suggest that it might increase a
consumers sexual attractiveness, for
example. Do you have similar
restrictions here?

TICK: Oh yes, but, come on, get real!
Youre never going to sell a single
bottle of hooch if people dont think
it does something for them. Take our
easy-drinking but lethally strong
club brand, Big Boy snoffratan. We
dont say that it enhances your
libido, improves your attractiveness
or puts a couple of inches on to your
trouser sausage.

DAISY: (agreeing) That would be
irresponsible.

TICK:

Yes, but the point is that its
unnecessary. We put so many male
hormones into that drink we dont

TICK /cont: have to advertise the fact; the guys
discover that after the first gulp!

DAISY: On Earth we like to push the blame on
to the consumer. We tell them the
problems with alcohol are their fault
because they drink it irresponsibly.
So how do you tell your customers to
adopt a responsible attitude to
drinking?

TICK:

We advertise a lot. We find
responsibility advertisements promote
our brands very effectively and make
us look like the good guys. As an
example, our Stalins Gulag vodka
brand has a very successful campaign
running at the moment with golfers.
We give out golf bags printed with
DONT DRINK STALINS GULAG VODKA AND
DRIVE. Theyve become the must-have
accessory on most of the courses
around the country. We printed the
word DONT in very flaky ink, so it
washes off in the rain, leaving a
very effective promotional message.

DAISY:

So it says, Drink Stalins Gulag
Vodka and Drive instead. Very neat.

DAVE: (drunk) Now I think Ill go over to
the other side of the menu. Whassis?
A Claw Habber. I had a Claw Habber
before. Delicious! Gimme a Claw
Habber, my good man. Ha ha ha.

MIXOLOGIST: A very wise selection, sir.

DAISY: Dave, youre just supposed to be
tasting the brands, not getting
legless.

DAVE: (hiccupping) Oh, Im fine. Oops.

FX Dave falls off stool.

DAISY: Im sorry about this, Tick. Could you
help me lift him up? Lets put him on
that sofa. I think the drinks here
must be a lot stronger than were
used to.

TICK: I shouldnt think so. I mean, alcohol
is alcohol isnt it? You cant get
stronger than 100%.



NARRATOR:

This is not a part of the journey
that Dave will ever be proud of. When
the women had dragged him to the
sofa, they discussed the possibility
of importing genuine Scotch whisky
from the real Scotland to the
Mountain Fortress. Beside them, Dave
snored loudly.

Tick welcomed Daisys suggestion that
Hamish McTells Old Irregular Scotch
Whisky, her firms biggest seller,
would be a sure-fire success on
Kalista-mm. They agreed there and
then that 500 oak barrels of fresh
Hamish McTell would be sent to the
Smiling Disc star system. On arrival,
it would be bottled in the shed known
as Scotland and labelled, quite
truthfully, Matured for 19 years in
oak casks.

In the taxi back to their hotel Dave
sang Youll Never Walk Alone and
waved at the herds of grazing dargus.
Having availed himself of the taxis
well-stocked drinks fridge, he needed
Daisy, the hotel receptionist and two
porters to get him to his room. They

NARRATOR /cont: left him on his bed, unconscious.

Across the Mountain Fortress in
Mampan, Waldo and Ted, who have been
abstemious all day, are sitting on
high toadstools at the bar of their
luxurious hotel. Theyre drinking
Scotch and waiting for their sad-
looking barman to speak.

Scene Four: Int Location, Mampan Hotel Bar
BARMAN: Weathers cleared up. Glad to see the
last of that rain for a while.

TED: Weve only been in town for a day, so
we missed it.

BARMAN: Youre not from round here, then?

TED: No, were in town on business.

BARMAN: Business is it? You come far?

WALDO: Were from Earth.

BARMAN:

Earth is it? What was the weather
like there, you know, when you left?


WALDO: I dont really remember. Drizzling,
probably. It took 19 years to get
here.

BARMAN: Nineteen years? You break down?

WALDO: No, its just a long way away, a
terribly long way.

FX Television news in background.

BARMAN:

Youll not have seen the news, then.
Theres a bit of a stand-off going on
between Champion and Nation 4. The
government in Dreppage is accusing
the government in Lod-Ip of stealing
their sulphur by burrowing under the
border; bloody cheeky if its true.
Now theyre pointing missiles at each
other, nuclear missiles. They can be
bloody dangerous you know, those
nuclear missiles.

TED: Does this sort of thing happen here
often?

BARMAN:

(gloomily) Weve had run-ins before,
for sure; what neighbours havent?
But this looks more serious. The

BARMAN /cont: trouble is, this is the first bit of
sabre-rattling since all the defence
treaties were signed.

WALDO: Defence treaties?

BARMAN:

Yes. If any country attacks Champion,
we are obliged to come to their aid,
which wed do by attacking the
aggressor which, in this case, would
be Nation 4. Nation 4 has treaties
with Nation 1 and Premier, who would
then be obliged to respond by
launching missiles at us. Nation 3,
with which we also have a treaty,
would retaliate by attacking anybody
that was left standing. The only
winner from all this would be the Wet
Country. Theyd hear the bangs, but
they dont have treaties with anyone,
so theyd just go on paddling around
in the shallows, spearing sardines
and putting them on the barbecue.

WALDO: Sounds like a bit of a blood-bath.
Maybe those treaties are a bad thing.

BARMAN:

No, theyre a good thing because they
act as a deterrent, see? No-one is

BARMAN /cont: stupid enough to launch an attack on
one country, no matter how
destructive they can make it, if
theyre sure to get a serious nuclear
response from two of its friends.
Its called mutually-assured
annihilation. Except were talking
about politicians in Dreppage, the
capital of Nation 4.

TED: Yes we know Dreppage. Are politicians
there especially stupid?

BARMAN: No, not especially; theyre all as
mad as a bag of flerds. Thats whats
so worrying.

TED: Whats worrying me, Waldo, is that
were here, on the same planet as a
potential nuclear war.


NARRATOR:

In Nation 5, the Wet Country, they
have very little in the way of laws.
Instead, they follow a set of ancient
ordinances, pertinent to a maritime
nation, collectively known as the Law

NARRATOR /cont:

of the Sea. For example, in that
country you must throw salt over your
left shoulder if you spy an
albatross; you must shave your beard
(but not your moustache) when
crossing the equator; and when you
encounter another boat you are
obliged to sail on the left unless
theres a strong wind in which case
its pretty much every man for
himself.

There are strict limits on the weight
of big sardines a Wet Country
fisherman may catch in a week. The
maximum stated is no more than his
wives can carry in their aprons a
rather quaint old measure. Although
this rule is intended to protect fish
stocks from over-exploitation, it
didnt prevent the extinction of the
big sardine a few years back, due to
flagrant overfishing.

It became a national scandal. Fish
inspectors discovered that ladies
with massive aprons had been hiring
themselves out as surrogate
fishermens wives. Of course their

NARRATOR /cont: dishonesty came to an abrupt end when
the big sardine suddenly disappeared
and was lost forever. The natural
balance between fisherman and fish
had been upset. Now the small sardine
is all thats left.

Now our plucky travellers have come
to the Government Hub - the
headquarters of the Grand Council -
situated at the West Pole, for a gala
reception held in their honour. JR is
there to greet them.

Scene Six: Ext Location, Outside Government Hub
JR:

I hope your visits in Nation 2 were
successful. Tonight is a small
gathering by Grand Council standards;
only a couple of thousand guests.
There are a great many civil servants
based here at the West Pole. They all
had to be invited, along with their
husbands and wives of course. Theres
precious little else for them to do,
so parties are held regularly. It
keeps them occupied and stops some of
the infighting between the national
groupings.


JR /cont: Tonight, you are the honoured guests.
You will doubtless be introduced to
many important people from all the
nations, so I suggest you keep your
eyebrows and moustaches stuck on
throughout the evening.

I have ordered a taxi to take you
back to your hotel at midnight, 16
oclock. Have fun!

DAISY: I wasnt expecting JR to rush off
like that. What should we do, do you
think?

DAVE: Theres a uniformed flunky there,
beckoning us inside. Follow me, team.

Scene Seven: Int Location, Government Hub Ballroom
FX Loud party noise

DAVE: I think we should just keep following
these flunky fellows. A path seems to
be opening up through the crowd.

WALDO: So many people.

TED: Good grief! Theyre taking us up on
to the stage.

FX Hubbub fades, followed by an outburst
of humming and clucking.

DAVE: (loud whisper) I think were being
applauded.

WALDO: Look out. Here we go.

MINISTER:

Welcome, honoured guests, on behalf
of the Kalista-mm Planetary Grand
Council. I am the minister of
interplanetary brotherhood. I welcome
you as brothers and sister from
Earth, an insignificant planet far
away.

Now, Earthlings, your audience is
waiting to hear you speak. You will
find that your voice is automatically
amplified.

TED: Go on, Dave.

DAVE: (hungover, voice amplified, echoey)
Oh, heavens. Golly. OK, right, ahem.

DAISY: (whisper) We shouldnt have let him
do this. Hes still completely
plastered from yesterday.

DAVE: (hungover, thinking on his feet) We
come in peace. We come in peace from
planet Earth, 19 light-years away to
the south-west. We bring greetings of
peace from all the peoples of the
Earth, and indeed from all the other
creatures monkeys, birds and
mosquitoes. And plants, possibly even
bacteria. Definitely bacteria. Er,
the United Nations sends greetings.

AUDIENCE: (appreciative hum)

TED: (whispering encouragement) They liked
the united bit.

DAVE: Oh yes. Greetings also from United
Airways, Manchester United and United
Biscuits. Greetings from all
biscuits.

DAISY:

DAISY /cont:
Ted, do you think you should take
over? Dave has no idea what hes
talking about.

DAVE:

(finding his stride) Greetings to the
people of Kalista-mm from Blake
Carrington, Ally McBeal and Benny
Hill. Greetings from all the people

DAVE /cont: of China.

AUDIENCE: (crowd goes wild, much loud clucking)

DAVE: (on a roll) Greetings from my mum and
dad, and from Auntie Sheila whos
always wanted to travel. Greetings
from my wife Pippa, our dog Berkeley
and the hamster that has no name.

TED: Ive got to get him off.

DAVE: Greetings from the lads at the pub
and the prime minister...

TED: (to Dave) Thats enough, Dave.
(amplified) Lets hear it for our
gallant delegation leader, Dave
Smart. Thank you for showing us your
beautiful planet. We hope to welcome
you all on Earth one day soon. Thank
you.

AUDIENCE: (humming and clucking)

Scene Eight: Int Location, Government Hub Sideroom
WALDO: God, Im glad thats over. I dont
ever want to rub another moustache as
long as I live.

DAVE: I feel ill.

TED: I think you carried it off, Dave. At
least you didnt throw up.

DAISY: Did you see the queues to greet us?
They kept asking me about Upstairs
Downstairs. How did it reflect modern
culture in China?

TED: Ah, heres JR.

JR: How did you get on?

DAISY: It was fine.

JR:

Good. I just came to remind you of
the time. Its half past fifteen.
Dont forget you have an early start
tomorrow. Youre going to the Mooon.

Which reminds me that this is where
we part company. I have to get back
to other work, so Ill be staying
here on Kalista-mm.

DAVE:

(a bit shaky) JR, thank you for being
such a good government minder and
friend. You and your family must

DAVE /cont: visit my home in England one day.

JR:

No, I dont think so, though I
appreciate your generous invitation.
Im afraid Im a bit of a home-boy. I
like my creature comforts, dargus pie
and ijijik for breakfast, a red sky,
acid rain and the prospect of a
Trandostar GTX when Ive collected
enough frequent flyer points. Then
Id like to make eggs with a pair of
beautiful Champion women.

You know, these are the things that
make living here such a joy. Theyre
what bind me to this place like
gravity. I dont know if I could find
these things on Earth. Im sure your
planet must be very different from
Kalista-mm. For example, isnt it
blue?

DAVE: Yes it is. As you approach Earth from
outer space, its a beautifully vivid
blue with green continents covered in
swirly, clean, white clouds.
JR: You see, thats weird.


NARRATOR: Tomorrow our four tireless travellers
are off to the Moon, that satellite
of vice and sin. How will that work
out? Oh, and what about the nuclear
war that is just about to break out
on Kalista-mm? Will that be anything
to worry about?

Find out in the next extraordinary
episode of...DEALS IN SPACE!

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...



DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 09: MAN ON THE MOOON



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 PUBLICAN Kalistan-mm
7 WAITRESS Kalistan-mm
8 LEETA Kalistan-mm


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR:

Is your business persistently lack-
lustre? Are you on the board-room
windowsill, ready to jump? Look up,
for ruthless business exploitation.
The Earth is so yesterday; find new
horizons; get up and go; do... DEALS
IN SPACE! Episode Nine: MAN ON THE
MOOON.


Dave and his colleagues have been
advised that no visit to Kalista-mm
is complete without a trip to the
Mooon. Yet Dave has learnt from a
Pradist priest that its a place of
sin and stag parties. Should he say
something to Daisy? Would she prefer
to stay behind and go shopping at the

NARRATOR /cont: East Pole while the men go and do the
mysterious things that men do?

Scene Two: Int Location, Hotel
DAVE:

Daisy, I wonder if the trip to the
Mooon would really be your cup of
tea. Weve finished our work here on
Kalista-mm; I have easily enough
material for a very useful guide to
business practices on the planet, so
this Mooon thing is really just a
jolly. It seems that the types of
entertainment on the Mooon may well
be... er... a men-only kind of
thing...

DAISY: And so youd like to leave me behind
on Kalista-mm, the only human on the
entire planet?

DAVE: No, absolutely not... unless of
course thats what youd prefer.

DAISY: If you think Im going to mooch
around by the hotel swimming pool
which is full of sulphuric acid dont
forget - while you boys are whooping
it up on the Mooon, you dont know
Daisy Furnace. Im coming too, Dave.

DAVE: OK, thats fine. As I was telling the
others, we leave tomorrow morning via
the Interstellar Spacedock on
Salutan. From there we take the
Shuttle up to the Mooon. We should be
there in time to freshen up and have
dinner together in our hotel.

DAISY: Good. Im glad you finally decided to
include me in the travel plans.

Scene Three: Int Location, Mooon Hotel Restaurant
FX Dining noises.

TED: Good evening, fellow travellers. How
are you finding life on the Mooon?

WALDO: I prefer the water here. It doesnt
burn as much as on Kalista-mm.

TED: And what do you make of the gravity?
The Mooons a lot smaller than
Kalista-mm.

DAISY: The gravitys pretty weak. Its even
bouncier up here than it was down on
the planet. You need the extra ankle
weights they provide in the room.


DAVE: And theyre very fetching, Daisy. So,
Waldo, tell us your thinking about
this offer you had from the Bank of
Nobility and Profit.

WALDO: (excited) Its an amazing
opportunity. Just think of it,
working on another planet in a
completely different star system
light years from home. I can hardly
get my head around the idea at all.

DAISY: Youre obviously tempted. Ive never
seen you so fired up about something;
but what about your family?

WALDO:

Thats just it. I dont have any
family to speak of. My parents died
some years ago. I only have a brother
who I hardly ever see. Moving here
would mean never seeing him again,
unless I could persuade him to come
out here too. I could give you a
letter to take back. Hes 49 now, so
hell be 68 by the time he gets it.
If he did decide to come, he could
take the Transgo freezer service so
at least he wouldnt age any more.
Hed still be only 68 by the time he

WALDO /cont: got here.

TED: It sounds like a long-shot.

WALDO: Yes, it does. Still, as I say, I
hardly ever see him anyway.

DAVE: Let me know when you make up your
mind, Waldo, so I can make
arrangements for our journey back to
Earth.

So, team, the theme of this last
stage of our expedition is
relaxation. Im glad I have this
chance to talk to you all together. I
want to thank you for coming with me
on this incredible journey and for
working so hard at your assignments.
Weve gathered enough material for a
fascinating and essential guide to
doing business in this part of the
galaxy. Im very grateful to you all.

TED: Youre welcome, Dave. I dont think I
can say I enjoyed every minute...

DAISY:

...Being tried for spying at risk of
the death penalty was a low point.

TED: It was. But generally the expedition
has been fun.

DAVE: Thanks for that. Your reward is to
live it up a little here on the Mooon
before spending the next 19 years of
your lives in freezer bags on the
flight back to Gatwick.

TED: I wonder if Gatwick will still be
there by the time we get back.

DAVE: We dont actually know that Britain
will still be there.

DAISY: Whats the programme for tomorrow?

DAVE: Were all free during the day. I was
thinking of exploring the
countryside, if anyone would care to
join me.

DAISY: Actually, Ive discovered that the
water here on the Mooon is made of
real water, so I think Ill spend the
day by the pool.

WALDO: Im going to hang around here too.


TED: OK, Dave, Ill come with you.

Scene Four: Ext Location, Walking On The Mooon
FX Birds twittering, sheep bleating,
streams, bees etc.

TED: Isnt this glorious, the way the
Smiling Disc is shining on the
heather.

DAVE: This countryside is beginning to
remind me of Wales.

TED: Are those sheep?

DAVE: They look a lot like sheep.

TED: I could swear we were in Snowdonia.
Are you sure we caught the right
Hopper?

DAVE: You remember ever seeing the sun and
stars come out at the same time in
Snowdonia?

TED: I dont remember seeing the sun at
all in Snowdonia.


FX Walking on gravel path, birds
tweeting.

DAVE:

You know, on our first flight from
the port to Lod-Ip I met this priest
who told me that the Mooon was the
Sodom and Gomorrah of the Smiling
Disc star system.

TED: Well, Ive seen quite a few bars.

DAVE: But the priest said that this
stunningly beautiful landscape was
all gone, somehow built over with
dens of iniquity.

TED: Maybe we havent found the right area
of town yet.

DAVE: I suppose.

TED: Over there. Is that a shepherds
cottage, do you reckon?

DAVE: Actually, I know this sounds weird,
but that looks like a sign on a post,
over to the left; do you see?


TED: Oh yes. Blow me down if it isnt a
pub.

DAVE: Lets go and find out.

FX Walking on gravel.

TED: Look at that. The Leprechaun, Irish
Pub.

DAVE: Why are all the bars in this star
system Irish pubs?

TED: Arent they everywhere?

DAVE: Lets see if they have any Guinness.

FX Door latch, door closes.

Scene Five: Int Location, The Leprechaun Pub
PUBLICAN: (Irish accent) Another fine day.

TED: (catching the accent) Indeed it is.

PUBLICAN: What will be your pleasure,
gentlemen?

TED:

Well have two pints of your best
Guinness, please. And you wouldnt do

TED /cont: a bite to eat, would you by any
chance?

PUBLICAN: We would indeed.

DAVE: (also becoming Irish) This menu looks
grand.

TED: Indeed it does. Lets order two
portions of Irish stew.

Scene Six: Int Location, The Leprechaun Pub
FX Eating sounds.

TED: (getting less Irish) You consider the
expedition a success?

DAVE: The highlight for me was the
friendliness of the people and the
ease with which we seem to be able to
communicate with them.

TED: I thought you were going to say,
theyre just like us.

DAVE:

No, theyre not just like us. They
have white blood and lay eggs for a
start. Theyre a different species
but, rather surprisingly, theyre a

DAVE /cont: lot more like us than any other
species we have on Earth. The great
apes gorillas and orang utans and
so on are supposed to share 95% of
our genes. Yet its seldom that
humans are invited to a gala
reception by the grand council of the
chimpanzee government, dont you
find?

TED: Gibbons can be quite stand-offish,
too.

DAVE: But you see my point. How many of our
genes do you suppose we share with
the inhabitants of Kalista-mm?

TED: Im not sure if they even have genes.

DAVE: Yet, despite the similarities we have
with the people here, I cant see
much scope for any serious contact
between us. Theyre so... weird.

TED: They drink sulphuric acid for a
start.

DAVE:

Theres that. Theres also their
bizarre approach to most of the

DAVE /cont:

things we consider important
democracy, the environment, making
money, employing people, selling
alcohol, the police, the courts,
weapons of mass destruction,
everything its all based on a
morality thats totally foreign to
us.

TED: Almost alien.

DAVE:

I was going to say amoral, but
perhaps its unfair to accuse them of
that when weve both developed along
different paths for so long. Its not
that they have no morals, just that
they have different morals...

TED: ...possibly.

DAVE: Yes. It would be interesting to
repeat the experiment the other way
around.

TED: You mean if a Kalistan-mm delegation
were to visit the Earth?

DAVE: Theyd find us depressingly wishy-
washy.

TED: They would. Anyway, theres no point
in trying to build relationships
between humans and Kalistan-mms.
Theyd be doomed to fail at the first
misunderstanding.

DAVE: Thats true enough. Anyway, we must
get back.

TED: Youre right. (gets up) Alright,
thank you, Landlord.

BARTENDER: Go carefully, now.

FX Door opens and closes.

Scene Six: Ext Location, Walking on the Mooon
TED: By God, thats Kalista-mm rising.
Its bloody huge!

FX Coins jangling in pocket.

TED: What are you doing?

DAVE:

Just getting some comparisons to
share with my friends back home.
On Earth, the Sun and Moon appear
roughly the same size, about the same
as a small coin held at arms length.

DAVE /cont: Here on the Mooon, the Smiling Disc
is bigger than that I would call it
the size of a large coin.

TED: I reckon a biscuit.

DAVE: OK, lets agree on a small Hobnob.
But Kalista-mm. Wow! Look at the size
of that thing. By the time it comes
up fully I reckon we could be talking
dinner plates.

TED: How long is it until we meet the
others?

DAVE: We agreed 11 oclock Kalista-mm time.

TED: Wed better hurry.


NARRATOR:

Our adventurous entrepreneurs hotel
is located downtown in Huasop, the
biggest town on the Mooon and
destination of choice for many groups
of young men travelling up from
Kalista-mm for a couple of days of
fun.

NARRATOR /cont:

Turning left out of their hotel, the
group find themselves on a larger
road where the true nature of life on
the Mooon hits them like a time-
pressed freight train.

The road is lined with bars pumping
out loud rock music. Above, brightly
coloured neon signs advertise
establishments such as Jangomats
Sexy Place, The Love Inn and
Lolitas Nut Bar. Lights flash, the
music throbs. In front of the bars
sit groups of smiling young women,
some with placards advertising a
happy hour, half-priced Splitting
Headaches or upstairs rooms.

Scene Eight: Ext Location, Huasop Walking Street
FX Raucous music.

DAVE: The Kitty Kat nut bar. You want to
try this one?

WALDO: Fine by me.

DAISY: Im right behind you.


Scene Nine: Int Location, Kitty Kat Nut Bar
FX Bar music.

WAITRESS: This way, please.

DAVE: This is fine.

WAITRESS: What would you like?

DAVE: What have you got?

WAITRESS: Weve got them all.

DAVE: Give me four of your most popular.

WAITRESS: OK, coming up.

DAVE: Sorry, guys. I had no idea what kind
of beer people drink in these places.

TED: Its OK. Anything will do as long as
its beer.

WAITRESS: Here you go, lady and gentlemen.

TED: Whats this? Where are the beers?

WAITRESS: Beer no have. Kitty Kat is a nut bar.


TED: Great! A bowl of brazil nuts.

WALDO: Or something that looks very like
brazil nuts.

DAVE: Hang on, this makes some sense. I
bunked next to a priest on the flight
down to Lod-Ip who told me that
Pradists were forbidden by their
religion to eat nuts. That must be
how a place like this survives by
providing forbidden food to devout
Pradists on a wicked weekend away.

DAISY: What the hells a Pradist?

DAVE: Thats the main religion here.
Theyre followers of Lonnie Prad who
created the Smiling Disc, its
planets, people and so on. When hed
finished creating things he told the
people they mustnt eat nuts.

TED: But I dont want to eat nuts.

DAVE: You would if you werent allowed to.

DAISY: At least Waldos happy, sitting there
gazing at the dancing girls.

WALDO: Ive just realised why theyre so
beautiful and why all these customers
come here.

TED: Whys that?

WALDO: Look at the girls more closely.

TED: Nice bodies.

DAISY: Very trim.

WALDO: Anything else? You see anything
missing?

DAVE: Clothes? They seem to have all the
essential body parts.

WALDO: And what extra bits do women have on
Kalista-mm?

TED: By George, Ive got it. These girls
dont have moustaches.

DAVE: Nor bushy eyebrows.

WALDO: So thats why the men come here, to
see naked women; women without
moustaches.

FX Music changes.

Scene Ten: Int Location, Kitty Kat Nut Bar
LEETA: Whats your name, handsome alien?

WALDO: Waldo. Whats yours?

LEETA: Leeta. Where you come from?

WALDO: Earth.

LEETA: You want me sit on your lap?

WALDO:

OK. Thats nice. Now Leeta, I dont
mean to be rude, but do you mind if I
touch your lip?

LEETA: Sure, if you buy me nuts first.

WALDO: Oh, yes. OK.

Scene Eleven: Narration
NARRATOR:

Waldo feverishly extends his hand. He
puts the tips of two fingers very
carefully on to Leetas upper lip and
strokes it gently. Its like velvet.

She turns to him and smiles a big,
heart-warming, generous smile, which

NARRATOR /cont: Waldo finds very arousing. Leetas
big, black, round eyes are open wide
and, as she chews on a nut, she holds
his gaze lovingly.

WALDO: Your lip is so smooth. I expected it
to be stubbly.

LEETA: (giggling) Silly alien. We dont
shave, we just take off our
moustaches.

WALDO: You mean theyre always fake?

LEETA: You thought...?

WALDO: I dont know what I thought. Oh,
Leeta!

TED: Oi! You lovebirds! I could do with a
drink. Is anyone else up for that?

DAISY: Ill come.

DAVE: Me too.

WALDO: I wont be long. Ill come back for
you, Leeta.


Scene Twelve: Ext Location, Pavement Bar
TED: This pavement bar looks OK. People
are actually drinking. Four beers
please.

DAVE: You thought the Mooon looked big from
Kalista-mm, but take a look at
Kalista-mm from here. Its massive.
It seems to fill the whole sky.

TED: You can even make out the nations.
See there the mountains of Nation 2.
And notice that yellow plume? I
reckon thats pollution from the
sulphur mines at Weefleff-ee-fleff in
Champion.

DAVE: Waldo, have you had any further
thoughts about that bank job offer?

WALDO:

Its attractive of course, but a big
step to take. Before this evening it
was 50-50; the decision was like a
roulette ball balanced between the
YES slot and the NO slot... Then I
met Leeta.

DAISY: Leeta? Who or what is Leeta?


TED: She was the girl sitting on Waldos
knee in the nut bar.

DAISY: And what effect did an hour with Miss
Leeta have on this teetering roulette
ball, Waldo? Did she give the ball a
little nudge?

WALDO: The thing is... Im in love.

TED: Hang on. Sorry to interrupt, Waldo,
but look up at Kalista-mm. Did you
see that flash? Its in Champion.

DAVE: I can see a huge cloud, with ripples
radiating out like on a pond. But
thats not water, its land!

DAISY: Looks like a bomb; that clouds
becoming mushroom-shaped. It must be
colossal.

TED: My god! No! The barman in Mampan!
Mutually assured annihilation! Its
nuclear war!

FX Music stops, screams.



NARRATOR:

Is Waldo really in love with Leeta or
is it just one of those infatuations
that men have with girls who take off
their moustaches in public? Real or
not, will this new love make him
accept the bank job and stay on
Kalista-mm? Oh, and what about the
nuclear war that has just broken out
on Kalista-mm? Might it make travel
back to Earth somewhat problematic?

Find out in the next, concluding

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...



DEALS IN SPACE!

EPISODE 10: WALDO, THEY LAY EGGS



CAST

1 NARRATOR
2 TED Human
3 DAISY Human
4 WALDO Human
5 DAVE Human
6 LEETA Kalistan-mm
7 PRIEST Kalistan-mm
8 MINIVAN Mechanised voice


MUSIC

THEME
NARRATOR:

Are you wondering if youll ever do as
well as your best friend at school? Is
life on Earth becoming a bore? Are you
disillusioned with being human? Look
up, entrepreneurs of Earth. Above your
heads are billions of planets ripe for
ruthless business exploitation. Get in
the groove; follow the star-fleet; get
up and go; do... DEALS IN SPACE!
Episode Ten: WALDO, THEY LAY EGGS.

travellers have been investigating
business opportunities on Kalista-mm,
the larger of the two planets in the
Smiling Disc star system in the North-
West Quadrant of the galaxy.

At the end of their voyage, our
travellers are experiencing the
fleshpots of the sinful Mooon. Waldo
has fallen in love with Leeta, a girl
who took off her moustache and sat on
his lap in a nut bar. Meanwhile, the
nations of Kalista-mm, which is eerily
large in the night sky, appear to be

NARRATOR /cont: thrashing it out with nuclear weapons.

Following the apparent annihilation of
Champion, a second missile strikes the
city of Dreppage, the capital of
Nation 4. Things are beginning to look
serious, very serious indeed.

Scene Two: Ext Location, Pavement Bar
FX Screams, panic, rushing about.

DAVE: Theres another one. See that massive
flash of light and the mushroom cloud?

TED:

That ones in Nation 4, right in the
middle of Dreppage. Oh my god! Those
shock waves must be sweeping away
whole suburbs. Thousands of people are
dying. I feel so helpless.

DAVE: All these people here on the Mooon,
they have friends and family up there
on Kalista-mm. They must be terrified.
Look, theres another one in Nation 2,
and another.

TED: Those are in the mountains, right
where we visited the bank.


DAVE: And Daisy and I tried out all those
drinks.

TED: Well, I wouldnt give much for their
chances now. That barman in our Mampan
hotel was right, Waldo. This is
turning into all-out war. This is
mutually-assured annihilation. Theyre
hell-bent on wiping each other out.

DAVE: Poor JR. I dont see how he can escape
this.

TED: Maybe hes safe at the Government Hub.
It doesnt look like the West Poles
been hit yet.

DAVE: Its nation against nation so far.

(decisively) This is going to be
Armageddon. Its not going to stop at
Kalista-mm. This Mooon is merely a
colony. They have people here from
every nation. The enmities will spill
over here for sure. We could get
caught up in something pretty
unpleasant.


TED: Youre right, Dave. Where does that
thinking take us?

DAISY: Weve got to get out of here now. In a
few hours the roads will be jammed,
flights will be grounded. We have to
get the hell away from all of this
immediately. This isnt our war. Lets
get out before we get involved.

TED: Im with Daisy. We should head back to
Earth. First, we need to catch the
Shuttle to the Interstellar Spacedock
on Salutan. There we can get the
Transgo freezer service back to Earth.
Theres no time for the hotel; no time
to collect the baggage. I say we make
straight for the Shuttle.

DAVE: Agreed. Lets go.

WALDO: No, wait a minute. Look, theres
Leeta, coming out of the Kitty Kat
bar. She looks devastated. Shes
probably in shock.

LEETA: (crying out) Waldo, handsome man...


WALDO: Im here, Leeta. Dont worry. And Im
staying here to take care of you. The
ball fell into the yes pocket and it
will take more than a couple of
nuclear explosions to push it out. I
want to be with you.

LEETA: I want to be with you.

DAISY: What? Come on, Waldo. Listen to
yourself, man. Its time to get real.
How can you ever make a proper life in
this place? Its completely mad. Since
we arrived in this star system, have
you truly understood a single thing
thats happened to you? I mean, truly
understood. How can you even consider
living in a place like this?

LEETA: Waldo, you said youd come back for
me, and you did. I didnt believe...

WALDO:

Daisy, you and the others go on. Dave,
Ted, get out of here. Save yourselves.
There are no hard feelings. I have to
stay here with Leeta. Well be OK.

DAISY: Waldo, no offence, but shes not even
the same species.

LEETA: What did she say?

WALDO: Its nothing, Leeta, Daisys just
upset.

LEETA: But different species?

DAISY: You are, Leeta. Its not a criticism,
its just a fact. We come from
different planets in different star
systems. Its no-ones fault. Were
just not the same. Were not the same
species. Were like horses and
buffalos.

LEETA: Hey, lady, who are you calling a
buffalo? Waldo, what is a buffalo?

WALDO: Leeta, dont worry. Theyre beautiful,
gentle beasts. Daisy didnt mean...

DAISY: OK, that came out wrong. I shouldnt
have said buffalo, but you get the
point. You two are not the same. To be
in love, you have to be the same
species. Its a law of nature.

LEETA: But I love him.



NARRATOR:

As true love struggles to find a way,
nuclear war rages overhead on the
huge, looming mother planet.

The clouds of dust from the first four
explosions are expanding. On the left,
in Nation 2, they have merged into
one. The travellers try to imagine the
horrors unfolding up there on Kalista-
mm. Hundreds of thousands killed in
the cities, countless more burned by
the blast or maimed by falling
buildings. Later, the effects of
radiation and the psychological damage
will last for generations.

As Dave watches the carnage, he spots
yet another explosion in Nation 4, the
country that initiated this deadly
exchange.

Scene Four: Ext Location, On The Street
DAVE: Theyre still firing missiles at each
other. This isnt going to stop any
time soon. We need to go.


DAISY: Whats it to be, Waldo? Are you going
to stay or come with us?

LEETA: (sobbing) Im not another species.

WALDO: Youve upset her, Daisy. Shes not.

DAISY: Waldo, they lay eggs.

LEETA: (angrily) Excuse me? We all lay eggs,
sister!

DAISY: No, actually, we dont.

LEETA: (appealing to Waldo) Your women lay
eggs, dont they? Tell her.

WALDO: Well, actually, no. On Earth women
give birth to... er... babies.

LEETA: Babies?

WALDO: Yes, theyre like small people.

LEETA: What, you mean the egg hatches inside
the woman?

WALDO: I suppose so, sort of.


LEETA: Thats weird.

TED: Look, theres another flash. It looks
like a direct hit on Lod-Ip. We were
in a hotel there only a few nights
ago.

DAVE:

(trying to stay calm) Difficult as
this is, the situation here is not
improving. We have to go, now. Waldo,
I dont like to say this, but its my
responsibility as leader of this
expedition to ensure the safety of all
members of the party. Its not safe
here. Im the leader and I have to
act. In ten seconds, Waldo, were
heading out of here, with you or
without you.

WALDO:

Look up there. Oh my god, look at
Mampan. Thats where the bank is, the
Bank of Nobility and Profit. Thats
where they were going to give me a big
desk, and my own secretary, and...
that obscenely large salary. But its
gone, engulfed in radioactive dust. It
could be a wasteland for centuries.
OK, Dave. I see it now. It was a great
fantasy but the dream is over.

LEETA: So you will not stay, handsome...

WALDO: ...My names Waldo.

LEETA: I knew that. So you will not stay with
me, Waldo?

WALDO: (changing from tragic to decisive) I
cant stay here. Theres nothing left
for me here. I have no choice. I must
go. But I cant leave you. Here,
Leeta, take my hand. Youre coming
with me to Earth!

(shouting) Come on. Come on,
everybody! Lets run. Lets get out of
here now. Run!

Scene Five: Ext Location, At A Road Junction
FX More distant: crowds wailing,
screaming, panic. Earthlings run down
the street.

DAVE: This way. Come on, guys. Stick with
me. I can see a way through the crowd.

PRIEST:

(preaching to the panicking crowds)
The wages of sin is death. Lonnie Prad
has shown ye the way, yet ye partake

PRIEST /cont: of the nut tree. Be a winner, not a
sinner. Put back your moustaches,
wicked hussies, for ye are not clean.

DAVE: Its the priest! Hold on a minute...

PRIEST: Sin and nuts. Sin and nuts. Pradism is
an evidence-based religion and the
evidence is plain to see. Nuclear war,
pestilence, hatred... and from what?
Oh, ye multitudes, ye have loved too
freely and ye shall reap the
whirlwind. Free love! Free love!
Repent, immodest women. Love can only
lead to war. Down with love! Down with
love! Also nuts.

DAVE: I say, Reverend... er... Your
Holiness. Youre getting carried away
by the crowd. Reach out. Give me your
hand.

PRIEST: (lost in crowd) I cant reach you.
Ohhh! Ahhh!

TED: Theres nothing we can do, Dave. The
crowd is just too strong. This way.
Look, down that side street, theres a
minivan. Come on, we need to take it.

DAVE: Now. Quick.

FX Car door slides open.

Scene Six: Int Location, In Minivan
TED: Get in, everybody, quickly.

DAVE: How do we start it?

TED: Ive seen JR operate these minivans so
many times, but Im not sure I was
concentrating hard enough to know how
to do it myself.

DAVE: I remember! You need one of those
cards. JR had some kind of card.

TED: (sarcastically) Thanks, Dave, Ill
just call JR and get him to FedEx it
to me.

DAVE: Sorry, I...

TED: Look, theres a slot. Im going to
swipe my credit card in that. Its
worth a try.

FX Swipes credit card.


MINIVAN: Amex no can. Visa and MasterCard can.

WALDO: Well, thats something. We just need
another card.

TED: (fumbling) All under control. Ive got
another card.

FX Swipes credit card. Minivan engine
purrs into life.

WALDO: Its not moving. How do we make it
move?

DAISY: It doesnt know where we want to go.
How could it?

TED: I didnt see how JR did this bit.

WALDO: Try shouting at it.

TED: OK. (shouting) Shuttle!

DAISY: That didnt work. It doesnt recognise
Shuttle.

WALDO: Try Shuttle Dock!

TED Shuttle Dock!

DAISY: Nothing. Oh, this is hopeless.

LEETA: Let me do it. Anophalumpheromperping.
(ie, a bit of gibberish)

FX Minivan beeps, reverses out of parking
space and speeds away.

WALDO: Imagine that, a minivan that doesnt
speak English.


NARRATOR: Dave and his team are on their way
home. With Leeta. From the Mooon
Shuttle Dock its only an eight-day
journey up to Salutan and the
Interstellar Spacedock from where they
can pick up their 19-year deep-freeze
connection to London Gatwick. But Dave
is worried about the tickets.

Scene Eight: Int Location, In Minivan
DAVE:

Im a little bit worried that, when we
get to the Shuttle Dock, they may say
were too early for our flight to
Salutan. Its possible and I dont
want to alarm you but it is possible

DAVE /cont: that they may make us wait for the
flight were actually booked on. What
Im saying is that we may not be able
to get on the next flight. Not
straight away. We may have to wait.

TED: Which flight do we have tickets for?

DAVE: Roffsday.

TED: And what day is it now?

DAVE: Ruffsday.

TED: And how many days are there between
Ruffsday and Roffsday?

LEETA: (excitedly) I know this.

TED: Well?

LEETA: Two.

DAVE: Correct.

TED: There are two days between Ruffsday
and Roffsday?

LEETA: Yes.

TED: So, let me be sure that Ive got this
right. We have tickets for Salutan on
Roffsday.

DAVE: Thats right.

TED: And todays Ruffsday?

DAVE: Yes.

TED: And were going to see if we can get
the tickets brought forward.

DAVE: Yes.

TED: By two days.

DAVE: Yes.

TED: And youre worried that, if thats not
possible, we may have to wait two days
for the flight we originally booked.

DAVE: Yes.

TED: And the duration of the flight is...

DAVE Eight days to Salutan.


TED: And then from the Interstellar
Spacedock on Salutan to London
Gatwick?

DAVE: Nineteen years.

TED: (calling out) Is there anyone in the
bus who would mind extending their
nineteen-year journey by two days if
it means escaping a nuclear war?

THE OTHERS: No! Not me!

DAISY:

OK, the timings not going to be a
problem, but I still think were
underestimating the difficulties that
Leetas going to face on this journey
to Earth, Waldo. No offence, but do
you really think its a good idea to
bring her along? How will she cope
with the gravity? Can she survive
without sulphuric acid? She may hate
the food. She may want two husbands.
What if she gets sick? How many
hospitals on Earth keep stocks of
white blood? Waldo, do you even know
how to take care of an egg? And so on.
There are so many potential problems
you need to think through, Waldo. Its

DAISY /cont:

not just a matter of waving Leetas
passport at Immigration and slipping
her through to a life of bliss on our
planet.

LEETA: (confidently) Dont worry. The main
thing is that Waldo and I are in love
and I dont want anyone but him. I can
cope with the food and the acid thing.

But whats a passport?

WALDO: I dont think theyll turn you away,
not after a 19-year flight.

LEETA: I hope not. (pause, remembering
something) Oh, Waldo.

WALDO: What is it, my love?

LEETA: Ive just remembered, Ive left my
moustache and eyebrows at the Kitty
Kat nut bar.

WALDO: Dont worry, my darling. Girls on
Earth dont wear moustaches.

LEETA: What, you mean at home?


WALDO: They dont wear moustaches anywhere.

LEETA: But our wedding night! How can I
perform my wifely duties for you
without my eyebrows? On Kalista-mm...

WALDO: Well find other things to do on our
wedding night, my darling Leeta. You
wont need your stick-on eyebrows.

LEETA: I wont?

WALDO: No, my love.

LEETA: I wont ever need my moustache or my
eyebrows?

WALDO: No, darling.

LEETA: The Earth sounds weird.


Scene Nine: Narration
NARRATOR:

If you enjoyed the story of Daves
expedition to Kalita-mm, the larger of
the two planets in the Smiling Disc
star system in the North-West Quadrant
of the galaxy, youll love hearing

NARRATOR /cont:

about his other amazing journeys.

In his travels to the Central
District, share the wonder of Dave and
his terrestrial entrepreneurs as they
find that on Hirablab, in the star
system of K49-Finkstein, a little
further on from the Delfrusia-AB
cluster, disposable toothbrushes are
made of pure gold; and marvel as they
discover that the crust of the planet
Nerdwell is composed entirely of the
extremely valuable fossilised
droppings of the soripox, a tergopod
which the otherwise intelligent
inhabitants presumed to be extinct
until one turns up somewhat alarmingly
in the gyro-shower in Daves hotel
room.

If you can make a profit on the dismal
planet of Drool, at the end of the
galaxys longest and bleakest spiral
arm, Dave says, you can make a profit
anywhere. Drool is on such a wide
orbit that its star is called The
Dot in many of the major languages
and the year is so long that most
inhabitants sadly never get to

NARRATOR /cont:

celebrate their first birthday, though
they continue to submit optimistic
gift-lists to their parents.

Lastly, in Sess, the capital of Umdour
in the Outer Reaches, Dave and his
companions are obliged to share a
single municipal sump due to a mix-up
with the hotel bookings. In the
village of Diz, in the swampy
equatorial region of Murque, they are
required to follow local custom and
sleep standing up in a puddle for two
nights after pretending to enjoy a
ceremonial feast of boiled hydrew
eyes... (fades)

MUSIC THEME

NARRATOR:

by...


DEALS IN SPACE! CAST 259

DEALS IN SPACE!
CAST APPEARANCES

EPISODE
01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10
01 NARRATOR X X X X X X X X X X
02 TED X X X X X X X X X X
03 DAISY X X X X X X X X X X
04 WALDO X X X X X X X X X X
05 DAVE X X X X X X X X X X
06 INDUCTION COUNSR X
07 OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN X
08 CUSTOMS OFFICIAL X
09 CURRENCY DEALER X
10 PRIEST X X
11 FLIGHT ATTENDANT X
12 JR X X X X X X
13 PORTER X
14 HOTEL DOORMAN X
15 RECEPTIONIST X X X
16 WAITER X
17 SITE MANAGER X
18 BORDER GUARD X
19 PROF NUGTIGNAG X
20 TECHNICIAN X
DEALS IN SPACE! CAST 260

EPISODE
01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10
21 POLICE OFFICER X
22 DUTY SERGEANT X
23 POLICEMAN IN BLACK X
24 POLICEMAN IN WHITE X
25 PLAPREFLAP X X
26 COURT CLERK X X
27 JUDGE X X
28 LAWYER X X
29 DR STROKULA X
30 TICK X X
31 DIRK X
32 MIXOLOGIST X
33 BARMAN X
34 MINISTER X
35 PUBLICAN X
36 WAITRESS X
37 LEETA X X
38 MINIVAN X
TOTAL IN EPISODE 11 10 7 11 14 11 8 10 8 8

DEALS IN SPACE! GLOSSARY 261

GLOSSARY
(Jingowat)

Most of the terms below are taken from one or more of
the 293 officially recognised languages on Kalista-mm
of which Dagatan, Fling and Spragulese are perhaps the
least well known. The commonest medium of communication
used in Nation 5 (the Wet Country), known as Grunt, is
no longer officially recognised as a language.

Armigent ............extinct lion
Big sardine .........extinct fish
Bit of prong ........one sixtieth of a prong
Blag ................brandy
Champion ............formerly Nation 6
Chuffle .............biscuit
Dack ................gooseberry
Dargus ..............cow
Derridowns ..........pants
Dolour ..............single currency of Kallista-mm
Dreppage ............capital of Nation 4
Excretex ............toilet
Fiffle ..............apple
Flap ................a ninth of a dolour
Flob ................duck
Flod ................currency of Nation 5
Flerd ...............a mad kind of monkey

Flooth ..............gun
Frick ...............unit of energy
Frough ..............village in Nation 2
Gas .................air
Grathus .............extinct elk
Greenex .............environmentally friendly brand
Grofus ..............squid; also name of a nebula
Grout ...............currency of Nation 2
Ijijik ..............cockle
Jingowat ............glossary
Jubifroot ...........tea
Kip .................flash of light
Lod .................river in Lod-Ip
Lod-Ip ..............capital of Champion
Lonnie Prad .........prophet of the Pradist religion
Loof ................potato
Lushtok .............alien known for being thick
Mampan ..............capital of Nation 2
Maprapan ............alien
Megafrick ...........a million fricks
Mesofling ...........monkey
Mondrofio ...........pig
Mountain Fortress ...Nation 2
Parnal ..............melon
Petroflax ...........stork
Pop .................tonne
Pradist .............follower of Lonnie Prad
Prantimas ...........Christmas (equivalent)
Prat ................old currency of Nation 3

Premier .............formerly Nation 7
Prong ...............old currency of Champion
Quansy ..............orange
Riffsday ............second day of the week
Roffsday ............first day of the week
Ruffsday ............third day of the week
Runt ................old currency of Nation 1
Sardine .............sardine
Sentiflex ...........fourth day of the week
Snoffratan ..........tequila
Sprill ..............barrel
Stic ................capital of Nation 1
Targ ................kilometer
Thadiwak ............weapon
Thruffle ............a complicated manoeuvre
Titt ................old currency of Premier
Trandostar ..........car brand
Tringle .............chicken
Trollops ............bison
Turpalia ............a province of Nation 5
Veep ................wheat
Void ................capital of Nation 7
Wakoni-poni .........capital of Nation 3
Wet Country .........Nation 5
Whooshex ............sulphur brand
Wobbel ..............old currency of Nation 4
Zoomex ..............sulphur brand

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