A Million Ways To Die in The West (Screenplay)

"A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST"
Written by
Seth MacFarlane
And
Alec Sulkin
&
Wellesley Wild
First Draft - January 2nd, 2012

EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - DAY
We see shots of a man on horseback riding across the
landscape. This is ALBERT STARK, (mid-30s). We see various
spectacular images of prairie and desert vistas, as an
ambling tune plays, listing the myriad of ways in which one
can perish on the 1800s frontier (A Million Ways to Die in
the West). Throughout this opening title sequence, we
intersperse shots of old, yellowed newspaper headlines. They
are accompanied by old photos, when appropriate:
Infant Trampled By Sickly Mare
Hundreds Perish In Late Spring Damp
Schoolmarm Felled By Tumbleweed Abrasion
Mass Hanging Goes Well
Mud Deaths Reach 30-Year High
Dutch Family Crushed By Falling Chinamen
Woman Found Guilty of Adultery; Tongue, Breasts Removed
50-Acre Buffalo Herd Destroys St. Louis
Water Tower Contaminated By Bathing Negress
Black Bears Feast On Kindergarten Class
Old Prospector Dies of Bad Breath
Hailstorm Drives Snakes Into Local Church - No Survivors
Cowhog Fever Claims Small River Town
Albert rides off into the distance as we FADE OUT.
EXT. THE TOWN OF OLD STUMP - HIGH NOON
CHYRON: ARIZONA, 1882. ANGLE ON a sign that reads: Old
Stump Township - Est. 1848. ANGLE ON the main thoroughfare:
Albert stands in the middle of the street at the center of
town, apparently ready for a gunfight. He looks nervous,
however. Out of place. It doesnt appear as though he
belongs in this environment. Townsfolk line the sides of the
street and the storefronts, waiting. Among them, we see a
pretty woman with blonde hair and a white dress, LOUISE,
(late 20s), Alberts girlfriend.
At the moment Albert is alone in the street. The other half
of the gunfight is nowhere to be seen. (Some distance behind
him, we can see a large tree stump right in the middle of the
street, presumably where the town got its name.) Theres a
lengthy beat... and then we hear hooves approaching from O.S.
The sound grows louder, until finally, another man emerges.
He gets off his horse, and takes his position opposite his
waiting opponent. Unlike Albert, this man is much more self-
assured, confident. And not friendly. This is CHARLIE
BLANCHE (30s, weathered-looking). They stare at each
other, then...
ALBERT
So... I guess high noon to you
means 12:15?
CHARLIE
What?
ALBERT
Well, you said high noon, and I was
here, and... Ive sort of just been
waiting.
CHARLIE
(darkly)
Im here now.
ALBERT
Yeah, no, I know, its just-- its
like youre saying that your time
is more valuable than everyone
elses, and... I know everybody
here has like, a full day, and--
Over the previous line, ANGLE ON a few of the townsfolk,
including a gangly guy with an overbite, and a toothless old
man. They do not look like they have a full day.
CHARLIE
(beat)
Draw.
ALBERT
Um... no.
There is a murmur of confusion along the side of the street.
ANGLE ON Louise, who looks particularly and unpleasantly
perplexed.
CHARLIE
What do you mean, no?
2.
ALBERT
I... I dont wanna do this. Youre
a way better shot than me, and
so... before we get all crazy and
dead here, I... I dont wanna have
a shoot-out.
CHARLIE
You yellow, Stark?
ALBERT
Oh boy. Okay, with that-- first of
all, thats kinda racist to our
hard-working friends from the Far
East--
ANGLE ON a few yellow-hued Chinese railroad workers who watch
from the side.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Right guys?
One of the Chinese guys gives Albert the finger.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay, great, welcome-- Look, I just
I wanna resolve things more
reasonably, and I dont think name-
calling is in anybodys best
interest. So, Im just gonna pay
you for the damages.
CHARLIE
Suits me fine. Thats three
hundred dollars.
ALBERT
Right. Now heres the thing: I
dont have three hundred dollars in
cash, but... I will give you twenty-
five sheep.
CHARLIE
(putting a hand on his
gun, cocking it)
I dont want sheep, Stark.
ALBERT
Well, this is a lotta fucking
sheep. This is like twenty-five
sheep. Like a whole... gaggle. A
pack? Is it a pack?
3.
(MORE)
(laughs nervously) Ha-- Im a sheep
farmer, and I just realized I dont
even fucking know what the plural
is--a school of sheep? Is that--
you know what a group of ferrets is
called? A business. Thats what
its called, a business of ferrets.
English is fun, cause theres all
kinds of secret treasures--
Charlie fires a shot at Alberts feet. Albert jumps.
CHARLIE
Your goddamn sheep grazed up half
my ranch, Stark. That grass aint
never gonna grow back.
ALBERT
Well, its grass, itll grow back,
but... I mean, isnt that what they
say? You cant keep grass down.
Charlie aims his gun at Alberts head.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay, okay-- I will sell off the
sheep myself, and get you the
money. Okay? Ill have it for you
tomorrow.
CHARLIE
If I dont have that cash... Im
comin after you. And Ill shoot
you here (points to forehead), here
(points to nose), and here (points
to chin), so your heads splits
clean in half like a fairground
watermelon.
ALBERT
Oh, and... and I would deserve it.
In that scenario? Oh my god, what
a jerk I would be. But I... thats
not the person I wanna be, so, Ill
get you your money.
Charlie slowly takes his hand off his gun. Albert exhales
softly, and turns to walk away. But suddenly, Charlie whips
his gun out, and shoots Albert. Albert goes down.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Fuck!!
4.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
The onlookers gasp... but its just his ankle. Charlie re-
holsters his gun.
CHARLIE
Just a little taste.
Charlie gets back on his horse and rides off. Albert
staggers to his feet as the crowd slowly disperses. EDWARD
approaches.
EDWARD
Aw man, Albert, you okay, man?
ALBERT
Yeah, its, uh-- its just grazed.
SHERIFF
You all right, Stark?
ALBERT
Yeah, oh hey listen, sheriff, I
wanna thank you for your help.
Really appreciate you stepping in
and stopping this deadly
altercation going on right in front
of your office.
SHERIFF
Its not my place to intervene,
Stark. I believe a man should
fight his own battles.
ALBERT
(beat)
Youre the sheriff.
SHERIFF
Thats right.
ALBERT
So... the one thing we're all
paying you to do, like the one
function you have in town -- you're
saying everyone else should do it.
SHERIFF
(irritated)
Im not your goddamn bodyguard,
Stark.
ALBERT
Well actually, yes. As the
sheriff, it is kind of your job to
protect my body from harm.
5.
EDWARD
Yeah, it is kinda your job.
SHERIFF
Shut up.
EDWARD
Oop.
SHERIFF
(to Albert)
I guess you and I see things
differently.
ALBERT
So like, if you opened a
restaurant, would you wait for
people to come in and then say, A
man should cook his own food?"
SHERIFF
Youd best watch your tongue, or
youre gonna find yourself in a
jail cell.
ALBERT
Oh, THERE we go! The long arm of
the law finally lashes out to
protect ITSELF against pissy
people!
EDWARD
A-haaaa. Yes.
SHERIFF
(exiting)
You should see Dr. Harper about
that foot.
Albert sighs, defeated, as he limps away.
EXT./ESTAB. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - DAY
INT. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - SAME
DOCTOR HARPER (50s) is in the middle of abdominal surgery on
a patient. His hands are covered with blood.
ALBERT (O.S.)
Hello? Doctor Harper?
6.
Doctor Harper looks up, and walks out into the outer office,
where Albert waits.
DOCTOR HARPER
Albert. How are you?
ALBERT
(seeing bloody hands)
Hi, Doc, I was wonder--holy shit.
DOCTOR HARPER
Oh, dont mind this. Im just in
the middle of surgery.
ALBERT
Oh, I can come back--
DOCTOR HARPER
No no, shell be out for awhile.
He very un-thoroughly wipes his hands on a dirty rag,
cleaning off most -- but not all -- of the blood.
DOCTOR HARPER (CONTD)
Its Mrs. Callaghan, poor woman.
Her stomach devil was about to
explode, so I had to take it out.
ALBERT
...Her appendix?
DOCTOR HARPER
Now, whats the trouble?
ALBERT
Uh, its a bullet graze. Just need
it checked out.
DOCTOR HARPER
Oh yeah, heard you turned yellow on
Charlie Blanche. Lets have a
look.
Albert shows him the wound. Doctor Harper examines it,
getting a little blood on Alberts ankle.
ALBERT
Youre not big on the hand-washing,
are you?
7.
DOCTOR HARPER
Ooh, thats a nasty one. We may
have to take that off, otherwise
you could wind up with a case of
toe-foot.
ALBERT
Okay, I dont think thats a real
thing, and second of all, its a
graze, doc, Im not gonna let you
cut my foot off.
DOCTOR HARPER
Suit yourself. But Ive seen toe-
foot turn into knee-leg in less
than a week.
ALBERT
Just a dressing, thanks.
DOCTOR HARPER
All right.
ANGLE ON the inner office, where a cat jumps up on the
surgical table, and starts licking the unconscious patients
incision. ANGLE BACK ON Albert and Doctor Harper. The doc
starts putting a dry dressing on the wound. Albert looks
around, reading a diploma on the wall.
ALBERT
Texas Territory Medical College.
Is that a pretty prestigious place,
or...
DOCTOR HARPER
Yessir, third in my class.
ALBERT
Ah. And was this an indoor medical
school?
DOCTOR HARPER
(laughs)
All right, there we go. Try and
stay off it for a bit.
ALBERT
Just a dry cloth bandage? Thats
it?
DOCTOR HARPER
Well, what else would you like me
to do?
8.
ALBERT
I dunno--clean it maybe? Cause I
dont wanna get an infection and
die?
DOCTOR HARPER
Well now, thats up to the Lord
God.
ALBERT
I guess Im looking for someone
more reliable.
EXT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - DAY
We hear the sounds of loud, rough sex.
INT. A BEDROOM IN THE OLD STUMP BROTHEL - DAY
We see RUTH (30s), a cute but well-worn prostitute, getting
fucked wildly by a dirty cowboy. Theyre both making quite a
lot of noise.
RUTH
(for his benefit)
Oh yes! Yes!
COWBOY
Yeah! You like me fuckin you,
dont you?!
RUTH
Yes! Yes, its really terrific!
COWBOY
Yeah! You like my dick inside
you?!
RUTH
Yes, I love the scratchy feeling
inside me from all the dirt on your
dick!
INT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - CONTINUOUS
Edward sits patiently in a chair holding his hat and a
bouquet of flowers. We can still hear the sex sounds coming
from upstairs. The saloon is empty save for the BARTENDER
and a few tired-looking cowboys. After a few moments of
this, MILLIE, the brothels madam, enters from upstairs.
9.
MILLIE
Hi, Edward.
EDWARD
Oh hey, Millie.
MILLIE
You waiting for Ruth?
EDWARD
Yeah. I got off work a little
early so I thought Id take her out
for a picnic.
MILLIE
Oh. Well, youre a good boyfriend,
arent you?
EDWARD
Yeah, I try to be.
Millie glances upstairs toward the sounds.
MILLIE
Well, sounds like shes almost
done.
Theres a beat. Millie looks at him.
MILLIE (CONTD)
Pretty flowers.
EDWARD
Yeah, theyre tulips. Theyre hard
to get this time of year, but Ruth
is very particular.
RUTH (O.S.)
Oh yes, shoot that dirty cowboy cum
all over my face!
EDWARD
(unfazed, adjusting his
tie)
Do I look alright?
MILLIE
Yes, youre... youre fine. Say
Edward, can I ask you something?
EDWARD
Sure.
10.
MILLIE
Are you... okay with the fact that
your girlfriend gets screwed by
about 8 guys every day and gets
paid to do it?
EDWARD
Oh. Well, I mean my job sucks too,
so...
MILLIE
Well, yeah, but you repair shoes.
EDWARD
Ugh, dont remind me. The shoe
business is slow since the civil
war ended.
MILLIE
Really?
EDWARD
Yeah, theres just a lot less legs.
Millie is about to say something else, when Ruth comes down
the stairs, still putting her clothes back on.
RUTH
Eddy, is that you?
EDWARD
(standing up)
Hey, sweetie!
RUTH
(pleasantly surprised)
What are you doing here?
She runs up to him and kisses him.
EDWARD
Oo- your breath is a little--
RUTH
Oh, sorry, I had to give a blowjob.
EDWARD
Oh, well, thats okay. Hey, I got
done a little early, and I thought
we could go for a walk out by the
stream.
11.
RUTH
Ohhh, you are the best! Yeah,
cmon, lets go! (kisses him, then
to Millie) Dont I have the best
boyfriend in the world?
MILLIE
Honestly, I... I have no fuckin
idea.
Ruth and Edward happily move to exit.
RUTH
Bye, Millie!
MILLIE
Uh, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted
to know if he could come by later
on.
RUTH
Oh-- whats he want?
MILLIE
I think he wants anal.
RUTH
(to Edward)
Oh, honey, we could get you a new
belt for church!
EDWARD
Oh, thatd be great!
RUTH
I know!
EDWARD
(to Millie)
Okay, so like, 5:30? Does that
work?
MILLIE
It... it should.
EDWARD
What times his appointment?
MILLIE
Well... this isnt really like a
dentists office, Edward. Hell...
probably stop in when hes ready to
put his penis inside an asshole.
12.
EDWARD
(beat)
Okay, well just say 5:30.
RUTH
Bye, Millie!
Edward and Ruth exit.
EXT. THE SHORE OF A STREAM - DAY
Albert and Louise sit on a blanket, with their horses
tethered nearby.
ALBERT
I mean that shoulda been the end of
it, right? I told him Id pay him
off, we go our separate ways, and
thats it. But no, the guy shoots
me in the foot. Fuckin douche.
Lousie looks away.
ALBERT (CONTD)
What?
LOUISE
You shouldve fought him, Albert.
ALBERT
(astonished)
Come on.
LOUISE
We dont know if those were your
sheep that grazed on his ranch. It
could have been Hurleys cows. He
should have to prove it, and he
cant. So, I dunno... you
shouldve fought him.
ALBERT
(in disbelief)
Youre serious. Louise, the guys
one of the best shots around. I
mean, I look like I have
Parkinsons next to him. Look, I
tried to psych myself up for it,
but at the end of the day, Id just
as soon not commit fucking suicide.
LOUISE
Albert... Im breaking up with you.
13.
ALBERT
(beat)
What?
LOUISE
Im... Im sorry.
ALBERT
I got shot today.
LOUISE
I know.
ALBERT
Ow.
LOUISE
I know.
ALBERT
Louise, I-- why?? What, because of
a gunfight??
LOUISE
No, its not that, Ive been
feeling this way for awhile.
Its... youre a really great guy.
Ive just realized... I want
something else.
ALBERT
Louise, I love you. What else
could you want? Youre my whole
life. Ive done everything for you
for four years. Yes, Im just a
sheep farmer, but Im saving a lot
of--
LOUISE
Yeah, but youre not even a good
sheep farmer Albert. Your sheep
are everywhere. The one thing a
sheep farmer has to do is keep all
the sheep in one place. I stopped
by your farm the other day, and
there was a sheep in the backyard,
three way up on the ridge, two in
the pond, and one on the roof.
ALBERT
Thats Bridget-- she has a problem
with retardation, but shes fulla
love. I think were getting off
track here.
14.
(MORE)
Look, if its not about the
gunfight, what the hell is it,
Louise? Tell me and maybe we can
fix it!
LOUISE
Albert, youre a good guy, for
sure. Youre just not for me. I
dont even wanna date anybody right
now, I kinda have to deal with my
own shit.
ALBERT
After four years.
LOUISE
If I was older, maybe the timing
would be right, but I just dont
wanna settle down right now.
People are living to be 35 these
days, so a girl doesnt have to get
married right away. I just sorta
have to work on myself right now.
ALBERT
I have to work on myself?!
Louise, thats what girls say when
they have a good thing in front of
them, and theyre too up their own
ass to know what to do with it. I
know you. Youre not up your own
ass. Youre out here. Where I can
see you. And youre still the most
beautiful woman Ive ever met.
LOUISE
Well, Ive been in this
relationship for four years, I must
be at least partially up my own
ass.
ALBERT
(stung)
Wow. Louise... I love you.
LOUISE
(sympathetic shrug)
Im sorry.
She gets up and leaves.
15.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
EXT. ALBERTS FARM - SUNSET
Albert rides up and gets off his horse clumsily. Its clear
this guy is not comfortable living the frontier lifestyle.
The farm itself is crowded with a large flock of sheep.
However, they dont seem to be corralled in any sense
whatsoever. Albert surveys the farm with its disarray of
sheep. ANGLE ON THE ROOF, where a lone sheep stands, baa-ing
blankly.
ALBERT
Oh, shit.
INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - SUNSET
Albert enters. His mother and father, George and Elsie, sit
in the main room. Elsie sits in a rocker working on her
stitchery, while George reads a book.
ALBERT
Mom. Dad.
GEORGE
Youre late.
ALBERT
For what?
GEORGE
(beat, goes back to his
reading)
Fair enough.
Albert sighs and walks into his bedroom. He takes out a
small wooden box.
EXT. ALBERTS HOUSE - EVENING
The stars are out as Albert emerges from the house and sits
down in a chair. He is about to open the box when he hears
the sound of approaching hooves. He looks up to see Edward
and Ruth dismounting from their horses. They approach him.
ALBERT
Hey Ed. Hey Ruth.
EDWARD
Albert, we just heard about Louise.
Thats horrible.
16.
RUTH
Were so sorry. How are you? Are
you doing okay?
ALBERT
It is what it is, right? (beat,
then gesturing to chairs) You guys
wanna sit down?
EDWARD
(sitting)
Oh thanks.
RUTH
Im okay standing.
Albert looks down at the box.
ALBERT
I was just looking at some old
photographs of me and Louise.
He shows Albert and Ruth the photos. They show him and
Louise in various environments. In every single one, they
are in the exact same pose: standing stiffly side-by-side,
facing the camera without expression (as in every photo from
the frontier era).
ALBERT (CONTD)
This was from the carnival. (THEN)
Here we are at the town picnic.
(THEN) Oh, this was the square
dance. Yknow, I almost wish that
you could smile in photographs.
Louise has such an amazing smile.
EDWARD
Thatd be weird.
ALBERT
Hm?
EDWARD
Have you ever smiled in a
photograph?
ALBERT
Me? No, have you?
EDWARD
God no.
17.
ALBERT
No, youd look like an insane
person, but I just mean that...
when she smiles its... I mean,
even at the peak of our
relationship, when I knew there was
no chance that Id lose her... it
would still completely paralyze me
every time she smiled. I love her
so much its ridiculous.
RUTH
Oh, now I feel like Im gonna cry.
ALBERT
Lets get fucked up.
EXT./ESTAB. SALOON - NIGHT
INT. SALOON - NIGHT
ANGLE ON the saloon pianist, playing a jaunty version of
Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair. The place is as lively
and bustling as any old West saloon. Albert, Edward, and
Ruth sit at a table as Albert downs a shot.
EDWARD
So whatre you gonna do?
ALBERT
I dont know. Id kill myself, but
yknow, the sheep. And my parents.
And besides, if I died in that
pasture, I know the sheep would eat
me. They ate a dog that died out
there.
EDWARD
Ew. I thought they just ate grass
and stuff.
ALBERT
Yeah, not these I guess.
RUTH
Look, I know things seem hopeless
right now, but I promise theres a
lot to live for.
ALBERT
Oh, really, what? What is there to
live for on the frontier in 1871?
18.
(MORE)
We live in a terrible place and
time. The American West is a
dirty, depressing, horrible place.
Look around. Everything out here
thats not you wants to kill you.
Outlaws. Angry drunk people.
Scorned hookers. Hungry animals.
Diseases. Major and minor
injuries. Indians. The weather.
You know how Jim Wegman the
blacksmith died? Wet socks.
EDWARD
Come on, youre exaggerating.
ALBERT
I am really not exaggerating at
all. He went camping, he put his
foot in the creek with his sock on,
his foot slowly rotted, and he
died.
RUTH
God...
ALBERT
You can get killed just going to
the bathroom. I take my life in my
hands every time I walk out to my
outhouse-- theres fuckin
rattlesnakes all in the grass out
there, and even if I make it, oh
hey, I can still die from cholera.
You know cholera?
EDWARD
(nodding grimly)
The Black Shit.
ALBERT
The Black Shit. The latest
offering in the frontiers disease
of the month club.
EDWARD
I heard it started with a Canadian
railroad conductor.
ALBERT
And even if you survive all those
things, you know whatll kill you?
The fucking doctor.
19.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
(MORE)
I had a cold a couple years ago,
went in there, and he says, oh you
need an ear-nail. A nail. In my
fucking ear. Thats modern
medicine. Hey, I have fever of
102. Oh, you need a donkey-
kickin. Yknow, our pastor has
shot two people. You know that?
Our pastor.
RUTH
What? No way.
ALBERT
Shot a guy in a duel and then
killed his teenage son cause he
was afraid of reprisal.
EDWARD
Wait, how do you know that?
ALBERT
Because he did a whole fucking
sermon about it! A lesson about
seeing things through! By the way,
look behind you. See those guys
who work in the silver mines? See
what theyre eating? Ribs doused
in hot sauce.
ANGLE ON a table full of filthy miners, eating.
ALBERT (CONTD)
They eat hot, spicy foods for every
meal of the day cause their
palates are completely dulled from
inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day.
You know what that kinda diet does
to your guts? Constipation,
cramps, dyspepsia, diahrrea,
hemorrhoids, liver disease, kidney
disease, bowel inflammation--they
die from their own farts!
One of the miners farts, and immediately keels over with a
groan and dies.
ALBERT (CONTD)
And speaking of death, if you wanna
see more of that, all we need to do
is step out the front door.
20.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
EXT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Albert stands in the doorway, flanked by Edward and Ruth.
Albert points to a dead guy leaning up against a wall in an
alley.
ALBERT
That is our mayor. He is dead. He
has been lying there dead for three
days. No one has done anything:
not moved him, not looked into his
death, not even replaced him with a
temporary appointee. For the last
three days, our mayor, the highest-
ranking political officer in our
town, has been a dead guy-- oh! Oh
look!
ANGLE ON THE MAYORS BODY - Coyotes are chewing and tugging
on it, dragging it away.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Coyotes are dragging the body away!
Look at that! That is adorable!
Theyre gonna feed his dick to
their young. Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have
fun becoming dog poop! Bye!
INT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Albert sits back down at the table, followed by Edward and
Ruth.
ALBERT
That, my friends, is the West. A
shitty, disgusting cesspool of
awfulness and despair. Fuck all of
it.
COWBOY AT NEXT TABLE
Why dont you shut up.
ALBERT
You shut up.
EXT. SALOON - NIGHT
Alberts body comes crashing through the window like a rag
doll, smashing through the wooden railing, and landing out in
the street. He groans as he collects himself.
21.
EXT. SALOON - LATER
Albert and Edward sit on the front steps of the saloon.
Albert has a big gash on his forehead. Ruth tries to dab at
it with a cloth, but Albert pushes her away as he takes huge
pull from a whiskey bottle. By now he is very drunk.
ALBERT
(slurred)
Stop it.
RUTH
Okay. But Yknow, you should
probably have Doctor Harper take a
look at that.
ALBERT
(slurred)
Ruth, youre very sweet, but have
you been listening to goddamn
anything Ive been saying? Hell
go, Oh, lemme put a blue jay on
that to peck out the blood. Fuck
it. Hey, you guys should have a
drink with me. Lets all have a
drink.
RUTH
I dont think thats a great idea.
EDWARD
I cant drink. When I drink too
much, I get really vivid
nightmares.
RUTH
He does, its awful.
EDWARD
I drink, and then within 20 minutes
I dream somebody shot me in the
face.
ALBERT
(head in hands)
God, I miss Louise.
RUTH
Well, maybe... I dont know, maybe
you should try talking things over
with her.
22.
ALBERT
(beat)
Thats a good idea.
Albert staggers to his feet, and stumbles toward his horse.
RUTH
Well, I didnt mean right now--
Albert struggles to climb up onto his horse, but hes having
serious difficulty. He tries to hoist himself up clumsily,
but he ends up falling with one foot caught in a stirrup.
EDWARD
Hey listen, Al, why dont you let
us take you home--
ALBERT
No! No its okay, I just need a
running start.
Albert staggers back about thirty feet, and then breaks into
a hard, sloppy sprint toward the horse. He jumps up, rolls
across the horses back, and falls to the ground on the other
side, all in one move. Edward and Ruth flinch as they move
to help.
RUTH/EDWARD
Ooh!/Oh man--hey Al, come on--
ALBERT
I got it I got it I got it.
Albert finally makes it up onto the horse, but hes literally
lying on his stomach along the horses back. He kicks the
horses side limply with his legs.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay, go. Go.
The horse ambles off.
EDWARD
Boy, our wacky lives, huh?
RUTH
I was just gonna say that--
EDWARD
Right?
RUTH
Its insane.
23.
EDWARD
Its a circus, but I wouldnt trade
it for anything.
EXT. LOUISES FAMILYS HOUSE - NIGHT
Albert ambles up on his horse, still plastered. He clumsily
dismounts, and wobbles as he drunkenly addresses his horse.
ALBERT
Okay, Ill be right back, Curtis.
Or... or not! (laughs drunkenly)
Okay no, thats being too
ambitious. Yknow, Curtis, we...
we dont talk enough. Were...
lets fix that. I love you. I
love you, Curtis.
Albert hugs Curtis nose for an extended beat. He starts to
drift off, then jolts awake.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Whoops! Uh oh.
He throws up a little on the Curtis nose.
ALBERT (CONTD)
(wiping it off)
Oh Curtis, Im sorry. Im sorry,
Curtis. Okay, here we go.
Albert stumbles up to Louises door, and knocks. No answer.
He knocks again. After a beat, a light comes on, and Louise
opens the door.
LOUISE
Albert? What the hell are you
doing here? Its almost 1:30.
ALBERT
Louise, we need to talk.
LOUISE
(smells booze)
Are you drunk?
ALBERT
Oh. Yeah, well-- a little. Its
Curtis birthday, so we all took
him out and... surprised him.
24.
LOUISE
Look, I dont know what you want
from me, but its late and Im
going-- (starts to shut door;
Albert grabs it)
ALBERT
Louise-- I love you. And I know we
can work this out. Just-- I can be
cooler.
LOUISE
Albert, no. I already told you,
its over. Now just--
ALBERT
Ill-- Ill fight Charlie Blanche.
Ill do it.
LOUISE
I dont care about that. Look, Im
sure youre perfect for somebody
else, just not for me. Now good
night.
ALBERT
Louise... what am I supposed to do
without you?
She shuts the door.
ALBERT (CONTD)
You heartless fuckin bitch!
(then, immediately) I still love
you though.
EXT./ESTAB. ALBERTS FARM - DAY
INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - DAY
George and Elsie sit in the main room. George reads the
Bible, and Elsie knits beside the window. Albert emerges
from the bedroom, still in his pajamas.
GEORGE
Well, look whos up at two in the
afternoon.
ALBERT
(lamely)
Ahahahahaha.
25.
ELSIE
Hello, sweetheart.
GEORGE
Theres still some pig ass and
sweet cream there if you want it.
Albert stares at the table, where a disgusting-looking plate
of food sits. A fly lands on top of it.
ALBERT
(grimaces)
Im gonna use the outhouse. If I
die out there, would you guys do me
a favor? Just once, I want you to
switch seats.
Albert opens the door, revealing Edward, who was about to
knock.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Oh. Hey, Edward.
EDWARD
Albert. My God, you look terrible.
ALBERT
Theres that confidence boost I
need, how you doin buddy?
EDWARD
Can I come in?
ALBERT
Sure. Sure. I know my parents are
gonna be totally thrilled to see
you. Guys? Edwards here!
ANGLE ON George and Elsie, whose action and expression do not
change in any way.
ALBERT (CONTD)
They love company. We all do. You
want some pig ass?
EDWARD
Albert, Im really worried about
you. I havent seen you in town
for a week and a half. All you do
is stay home and sleep.
ALBERT
Well, I really feel like I need to
be here with my parents.
26.
(MORE)
Theyre not gonna be around much
longer, and I really wanna give
back all that love and affection I
got growing up. Right, dad?
George farts.
GEORGE
Ouch.
ALBERT
You gettin the fart-needles again,
dad?
GEORGE
Never mind what Im gettin.
EDWARD
Look, I know youre taking this
breakup really hard, and I
understand, but I think you gotta
get outta your funk. I mean,
Jesus, you havent even shorn your
sheep in weeks.
ANGLE OUTSIDE on a sheep that has grown wool over is entire
upper body, so it looks like a ball of cotton with legs. It
baas as it walks into a wall.
ALBERT
Well, I thank you for your concern,
Edward, but if I leave the house
and go into town, Ill see her, Im
just gonna get even more depressed.
EDWARD
Well of course youre gonna see
her.
ALBERT
Why, did you see her? How is she?
Is she sad? Did she look sad? Has
she lost a lot of weight? Did she
gain weight? Is she fat now? That
would help.
EDWARD
Yeah, I saw her, she seems fine.
Which is all the more reason for
you to get back out there, man.
Show her youre fine too! I mean,
things could be worse--
27.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
ALBERT
Im not fine. And you dont know
what its like. Youre going home
every night and having sex with
your girlfriend.
EDWARD
No, Ruth and I havent had sex.
ALBERT
You... Youve never had sex with
Ruth?
EDWARD
No.
ALBERT
Youve been seeing each other for a
long time though.
EDWARD
Six years. Yikes. Wow. Doesnt
seem like it.
ALBERT
Doesnt she... have sex with like a
dozen guys every day at the
whorehouse?
EDWARD
On a slow day, yeah.
ALBERT
But... you guys have never had sex.
EDWARD
No, Ruth says not until were
married. Shes a Christian, and so
am I, and we want to save ourselves
for each other. Yknow, for our
wedding night.
A beat.
ALBERT
Youre right, Edward. Things could
be a lot worse. Ill... Ill try
and meet some people.
EXT./ESTAB. GENERAL STORE - DAY
28.
INT. GENERAL STORE - SAME
Albert browses various sheep-shearing tools. He notices a
PRETTY GIRL picking out cookware nearby. After a beat, he
walks over to her.
ALBERT
Hi.
PRETTY GIRL
Hello.
ALBERT
I uh... noticed youre looking at
pots.
PRETTY GIRL
Yeah I am.
ALBERT
Stores pretty great, huh? Its
gotta have like... 20 items.
PRETTY GIRL
Yeah.
ALBERT
Ran that 8-item store outta
business. Right? That was pretty
sad.
She smiles politely, then goes back to her browsing. Albert
pops a piece of gum into his mouth.
ALBERT (CONTD)
You ever tried gum?
PRETTY GIRL
No.
ALBERT
Its this new thing, pretty cool.
Lotta people are doing it. (trying
to be cool) Helps to pass the ti-i-
i-me.
PRETTY GIRL
Well, have a good rest of your day.
ALBERT
Listen, I dont know if youre
doing anything Sunday after church,
but theyre gonna be delivering a
big block of ice into town and...
29.
(MORE)
should be pretty cool to watch.
You dont usually get a chance to
see... that much ice all together
in one place.
PRETTY GIRL
Yeah, that doesnt interest me.
ALBERT
Yeah, no me either. Its gonna be
so gay there.
PRETTY GIRL
Arent you the guy that backed out
of that showdown?
ALBERT
Uh, yeah, I-- you were there?
PRETTY GIRL
Yeah, pretty much the whole town
was there.
ALBERT
Whole town, yeah. Guess Im a
pretty popular guy.
PRETTY GIRL
No, not after that.
ALBERT
Okay, yeah, Im the dumb stupid guy
who didnt wanna get shot. What a
moron I am. Fine, you know, Im
just gonna go to the ice without
you, and Im gonna have a great
time.
Albert exits.
INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING
Albert sits across from a pretty Chinese girl.
ALBERT
So... tell me about your family.
Are they-- what do your parents do?
CHINESE GIRL
Are you... are you serious?
ALBERT
Well, yeah.
30.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
CHINESE GIRL
Well, my dad owns a business that
manufactures brass light fixtures
for upscale hotels.
ALBERT
Wow, really?
CHINESE GIRL
No, hes a fucking railroad
builder, like every other Chinaman
out here.
ALBERT
Oh. Ha. That other thing was so
specific, I thought-- well, I bet
hes a... really neat guy though.
CHINESE GIRL
Gosh, I wouldnt know, I never see
him. You know how many hours he
works?
ALBERT
Um... (laughs nervously) All the
live-long day?
She gets up and leaves.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Wait-- come on! Are you... even
allowed to be offended by anything
I do?
INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING
CLOSE ON Albert as he eats dinner, across from an unseen
date.
ALBERT
So, I uh... I know this is totally
acceptable out here on the
frontier, but, uh... not gonna lie,
something about it feels kinda
weird.
OPPOSITE ANGLE ON a twelve year-old GIRL sitting across from
him.
GIRL
My mother says I need to find a
husband so I dont I become an old
maid.
31.
ALBERT
Well, I... I think you got a few
years ahead of you before that.
How-- how old are you? Thirteen?
Fourteen?
GIRL
(through a mouthful of
food)
Twelve.
ALBERT
Twelve??
GIRL
Well, Ill be twelve in this many
days.
She holds up her hands, indicating the number eight.
ALBERT
(gesturing O.S.)
Can we just get the check? Thanks.
(to girl) I got this.
WAITER
You sure you guys dont want
dessert?
GIRL
(youthfully excited)
Yay! Dessert! Dessert!
ALBERT
(a little ashamed)
I guess well... take a look at a
dessert menu.
INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - NIGHT
A giggling girl practically drags Albert up to the front
porch by the hand. She plops down on the love seat and grabs
him carnivorously.
ALBERT
Wow, you uh-- you got a lotta
energy, huh?
WILD GIRL
(laughs) Uh huh!
She grabs him and kisses him wildly. Hes suprised but
responsive, until:
32.
ALBERT
Ow!! Jesus, you bit my tongue!
The girl laughs and slaps his face, hard.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Ow! What the fuck?!
WILD GIRL
Oh come on, dont be a pussy!
ALBERT
What, I just dont like hitting--
She slaps him again twice and laughs.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Ow! Jesus!
WILD GIRL
Are you ticklish?
ALBERT
What?
WILD GIRL
(tickling him)
You ticklish? Oh my god, you are!
So fun!!
She tickles him relentlessly. Albert, very ticklish, kicks
and flails about frantically as the girl laughs with glee.
ALBERT
Stop it! Knock it off, Im not
supposed to roughhouse!
Albert accidentally kicks over a kerosene lamp, setting fire
to the porch.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Oh, shit!
He grabs a burlap blanket and puts out the fire. As he
cathes his breath, his dad pokes his head out the bedroom
window.
GEORGE
Albert, is that you?
ALBERT
Yeah, sorry. Sorry, dad.
33.
GEORGE
Your mother died this afternoon.
George closes the window and goes back to sleep.
EXT. GRAVESITE - DAY
Albert stands with George, Edward, Ruth, PASTOR WILSON, and
other townsfolk over an open grave near Alberts house. They
finish singing Amazing Grace.
PASTOR WILSON
O merciful God, take this good
woman into thine heavenly kingdom,
that she may find peace and freedom
from earthly suffering...
EDWARD
Im really sorry, Albert.
ALBERT
She had a full life. You know,
when she was born, this was all
just a dusty desert plain. Now
look at it.
ANGLE ON a single shitty shack in the distance. Everything
esle is still just a dusty plain.
ALBERT (CONTD)
We got the sod house over there.
EDWARD
This place sure has changed. Ive
seen old photographs of that plain
without the sod house, and its
really weird-- its like you
recognize it, but its also really
different, but its the same, but
its just weird.
ALBERT
(to George)
You okay, dad?
GEORGE
She was a good solid woman. I
liked her.
ALBERT
Easy dad, Im uncomfortable with
all this emotion.
34.
Three cowboys approach, carrying the bodies of two men who
have been shot.
COWBOY #1
Hey, we got a couple more here.
COWBOY #2
Yeah, can we get in on this grave?
EXT. WAGON TRAIL - DAY
An OLD PROSPECTOR rides in a single horse-drawn wagon with
his dog at his side. He holds a just-mined piece of gold the
size of a billiard ball. He affectionately scratches his
dogs head.
OLD PROSPECTOR
You know what Im gonna get you
with this gold, Plugger? Im gonna
get you a big ol pile of fresh-cut
steak.
Plugger pants happily.
OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)
And Im gonna get you a whole mess
of bones fulla marrow. You like
that?
He laughs as he pats Plugger. Suddenly, Plugger begins
barking in an urgent manner. He senses danger.
Whats wrong, boy?
We hear the sound of several horses approaching. The
prospector looks up ahead at the trail. ANGLE ON a group of
rough-looking OUTLAWS emerging from a around a bend in the
road. Plugger barks more urgently. The Prospector quickly
hides the gold in a small sack.
All right now, settle down, pal.
The outlaws stop their horses in front of the prospectors
wagon. We now see that among them is a very beautiful woman,
ANNA (late 20s). The leader of the outlaws is CLINCH. He
is as bad as they come in the Old West. A former Confederate
soldier, Clinch is bitter, displaced, and gone lawless in the
wake of the South losing the Civil War. He is a genuinely
scary man.
35.
(affable but a bit uneasy)
Howdy there.
No response. Plugger growls.
Easy, Plugger. What can I do for
you fellas?
CLINCH
Were riding through to Sherman
Creek. We were hoping you could
tell us the shortest route.
OLD PROSPECTOR
Oh. Well sure, I can help you
there.
The prospector fumbles for a map. As he does so, a couple of
the outlaws glance at Clinch, as if waiting for a signal.
Anna looks at him as well, but with a bit of defiant concern.
The prospector gets out of his wagon, and walks over to the
outlaws.
(indicating map)
You can follow the main road
through Bullhead and straight on
into Sherman Creek, but youd
probably get there quicker if you
take Bilbee Pass. Safer, too.
Less chance of bandits and such.
CLINCH
(a beat)
Thank you.
The Old Prospector nods and moves back toward his wagon.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Oh, theres one more thing you can
do for us.
OLD PROSPECTOR
Whats that?
CLINCH
You can hand over the gold.
The Prospector looks at him nervously for a beat.
36.
OLD PROSPECTOR
Oh, I... I aint got no gold. I
wish. Been prospecting all day,
and that streams just panned out.
On my way back to town now.
CLINCH
You see, thats just it. Youre
heading back to town in the middle
of the day. Prospector only does
that when hes found gold to sell.
Now, give it to me.
OLD PROSPECTOR
(much more scared now, and
trying to hide it)
I swear, I dont have any gold.
Im headin into town early cause--
Clinch draws his gun.
Oh now, wait a minute. Yknow, I
might have a little bit of gold--
Clinch shoots the prospector dead.
ANNA
Clinch, goddammit, you didnt have
to do that!
Plugger goes to his master and starts licking him and making
a sad whining sound.
CLINCH
I know I didnt have to,
sweetheart.
ANNA
He wouldve given you the gold!
CLINCH
The point is, I had to ask him
twice. Im a busy man with a
schedule.
ANNA
Youre a son of a bitch, is what
you are.
Clinch strikes Anna in the face, hard, knocking her off her
horse. Shes winded, but still looks up at him with unbroken
defiance.
37.
CLINCH
Dont you ever talk to me like that
again. A mans wife will show him
respect.
ANNA
(getting to her feet)
Glad to see that works both ways.
One of the other outlaws, BEN, approaches with the
prospectors map.
BEN
(indicating map)
Clinch, were gonna lose half a day
going through Bullhead.
CLINCH
(thinks a beat, looking at
map)
You, Enoch, Jordy, and the boysll
ride with me. Well take Bilbee
Pass to Sherman Creek Trail. Make
no mistake about the kinda heat
were gonna draw after we take that
stage. Every lawman in this
territoryll be out for us.
Clinch turns to Anna, who is now back on her horse.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Youre stayin outta harms way.
Lewis, youll ride east with Anna,
and hole up here in (indicating
map) Old Stump. When things cool
down, well come for you.
ANNA
Thank you so much, sweetheart, for
always thinking about my safety.
Clinch gives her a snarky smile, then gallops away with his
gang. Only Lewis and Anna remain. Anna watches Clinch ride
away with a sour look on her face. Lewis turns to ride away.
LEWIS
Cmon Anna, lets go.
Anna reluctantly starts to follow him. She turns and looks
back at the prospectors body, with Plugger still whimpering
over it. Anna stops for a moment.
ANNA
Plugger! Cmon, boy!
38.
Plugger looks up at her, unsure.
ANNA (CONTD)
Cmon, Plugger! Cmon!
Giving in, Plugger turns and hurries toward Anna.
LEWIS
(eye roll)
Jesus Christ.
Anna and Lewis ride away, with Plugger following.
EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - MORNING
Albert and Edward walk down the street. A kid passes them
pushing a rolling hoop with a stick.
EDWARD
Man, I see kids everywhere with
those stick-hoops lately.
ALBERT
I know, I actually worry about what
it does to their brains.
EDWARD
It stunts their attention spans,
right?
ALBERT
Oh yeah. That is the death of
innovation, right there. When
intellectual progress comes to a
screeching halt twenty years from
now, you can thank the stick-hoop.
Suddenly, Albert stops dead in his tracks, and sees something
O.S. ANGLE ON a storefront with a sign reading MOUSTACHERY.
Louise is coming out through the front door. FOY, a spruced-
up-looking dandy with a fine suit and a curled moustache,
emerges behind her, and locks up. He turns, to Louise, they
kiss, and she takes his arm as they walk up the street.
ANGLE ON Albert standing with Edward, as they watch.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Holy shit. Foy?! Fucking Foy.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Aw man, Im sorry, Al.
39.
ALBERT (CONTD)
She told me she didnt want to date
anyone. She had to work on
herself. Bull fucking shit. Foy.
The owner of the moustachery. If
it were acceptable to be openly gay
in our time, Foy would have ten
Englishmen living in his asshole.
EDWARD
Maybe you should grow a moustache.
ALBERT
I cant afford it. The upkeep
alone: the waxes, the oils, the
creams, I dont have the cash.
Fucking Foy. (sighs) Cmon lets
go. Wheres Ruth? She coming to
church?
EDWARD
No, she has a 10 oclock blumpkin.
ALBERT
Whats a blumpkin?
EDWARD
Its when a man receives fellatio
while hes making stool. They just
invented it in Italy, and its
become popular here.
ALBERT
Receives fellatio? Jesus, you
make it sound like an Episcopal
Communion service.
EDWARD
Well, its just the process.
ALBERT
So, a guy gets his dick sucked
while hes taking a shit.
EDWARD
Albert, dont use those words. It
diminishes Ruths work. She takes
a lot of pride in doing a good job.
ALBERT
Im... Im sorry, Edward. I wasnt
thinking. It wont happen again.
40.
EDWARD
Its okay. (then, noticing
something O.S. In the street) Hey,
look, its the ice.
ANGLE ON the street, where a group of men are struggling to
unload a massive block of ice from the back of a wagon. They
are assembling a wooden ramp with which to slide it down.
Albert and Edward watch for a beat.
ALBERT
See, this is fun. She missed out.
EDWARD
Huh?
A plank on the back of the wagon snaps, and one end of the
ice block crashes to the ground, crushing the skull of one of
the men. Albert and Edward scream in horror.
ALBERT/EDWARD
AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH MY GOD!! OH
JESUS!!! AAAAAAAAA!!! THAT WENT
BAD SO FAST!!!!!! OH GOD!!!!
EXT./ESTAB. CHURCH - MORNING
INT. CHURCH - MORNING
PASTOR WILSON stands at the pulpit, delivering his sermon.
PASTOR WILSON
And make no mistake, my children:
there shall be swift and righteous
justice on all free-grazers. No
more shall they nibble wantonly at
the teat of our coffers. And
thats just exactly like that part
in the Bible that applies to that
situation. Amen.
CONGREGATION
Amen.
Over the following, Albert glances over at Louise and Foy,
who sit together. Louise does not see him, but Foy does, and
shoots him a dismissive look.
41.
PASTOR WILSON
We would like to offer a heartfelt
prayer to the family of James
Addison, who was killed this
morning while unloading the ice
shipment. James, well think of
you lovingly this July as we sip
the cold summer beverages for which
you gave your life.
ALBERT
(sotto, to Edward)
Theyre still gonna use the fuckin
ice.
PASTOR WILSON
Before we end the service this
morning, wed like to welcome two
new members of our community: Lewis
Barnes, and his sister Anna.
Over the following, Albert turns and looks over. He sees
Anna, and regards her with interest and curiosity. He notes
her beauty, but in a detached way.
PASTOR WILSON (CONTD)
Theyve just moved here to Old
Stump, and plan to build a farm, so
we wish them the best of luck.
That concludes todays service, God
bless you for another week, and
there is a mountain lion warning in
effect.
EXT./ESTAB. MOUSTACHERY - DAY
INT. MOUSTACHERY - SAME
The interior is adorned with various photographs of men with
impressive-looking moustaches. Various moustache-care
products line the walls, perused by a couple of browsers. In
the back we see a man in a barber-type chair getting his
moustache carefully waxed and combed by a male attendant.
Foy, holding a jar of moustache cream, talks with a
moderately well-dressed CUSTOMER who has an absolutely huge,
bushy moustache.
FOY
I would say you could try oiling it
into a fine curl, your moustache
definitely has the body for it.
42.
CUSTOMER
Yeah, Ive thought about that, but
I sorta like it a little messy,
yknow? Sorta fun?
FOY
Well, if thats what youre going
for, Id use the cream, and I would
definitely let it grow.
CUSTOMER
See, I kinda wanna do that.
FOY
And you know what, I see the
hesitation on your face, but trust
me, you could do that.
CUSTOMER
Like shoulder-length?
FOY
Do it. Youll thank me.
CUSTOMER
See, Ive always wanted to do
shoulder-length, but Im just
worried I dont have the chin for
it.
FOY
You have the chin for it.
CUSTOMER
Okay, wow, you just gave me like a
whole bunch of confidence.
FOY
Try the cream for a few weeks, and
lemme know how it goes.
CUSTOMER
I will, thank you. Im all
excited, now I want it to grow
really fast!
As the customer exits, Louise passes him through the front
door. She approaches Foy.
LOUISE
Hi.
FOY
Hey, you.
43.
They kiss.
LOUISE
So Im getting really excited for
the fair, and I thought maybe we
could go dress shopping later.
FOY
You know, I was thinking you could
use a new dress.
LOUISE
Something... expensive?
FOY
Stupidly expensive.
She laughs and they kiss again. At that moment, the door
opens again, and Albert nonchalantly enters.
LOUISE
(under breath)
Oh, Jesus.
FOY
Hi, Albert.
ALBERT
Hello.
FOY
Whats up, kiddo? Never seen you
in here before.
ALBERT
Just, um... browsing.
FOY
Yeah... you dont have a moustache
though.
ALBERT
Yeah, I was, uh... thinkin
about... growin one.
LOUISE
Im gonna use the powder room.
She exits.
FOY
What kinda moustache you looking to
grow?
44.
ALBERT
Um... a big one. the kind that...
goes down below my mouth and then
along the edge of my jaw and then
goes up and becomes my sideburns
and then becomes my hair.
FOY
Ah, a Mobius moustache.
ALBERT
A Mobius moustache, yeah.
FOY
(beat)
You, ah... you know that sort of
moustache is a costly facial
accessory.
ALBERT
Yeah.
FOY
Well-- come on, Albert, youre a
sheep farmer.
ALBERT
You feel good about what youre
doing?
FOY
What am I doing?
ALBERT
Stealing a guys girlfriend? You
able to sleep at night?
FOY
Hey-- Louise dumped you, my friend.
Its not my fault she wanted
someone with more to offer. I can
give her a lavish home. Warm
blankets. Wrapped candies. Can
you say the same, Albert? Can you
give Louise wrapped candies?
ALBERT
Fuck you, man.
FOY
Yeah, thats what shes doing.
45.
Albert stares at him for a beat, then storms out. After a
moment, he re-enters and makes a clumsy attempt to knock over
some jars. He trips and rights himself, and knocks two jars
over before exiting again.
EXT. SALOON - NIGHT
A typical lively (for a frontier town) evening, as locals
make their way in and out of the saloon.
INT. SALOON - NIGHT
Edward sits at a table in the saloon, waiting patiently for
Ruth. He looks up and notices the two newcomers, Anna and
Lewis, enter the saloon and approach the bar. The locals
take note of Anna, and a couple guys vocalize their approval,
but it doesnt seem to faze her. ANGLE ON Ruth, who emerges
from the upper level, exiting one of the brothel rooms with a
dirty-looking cowboy. Edward stands up with a smile as she
descends. She walks over and sits down opposite him. He
takes her hands.
EDWARD
Hi, honey.
RUTH
Oh, gosh, that was a long day.
EDWARD
Aw, what happened?
RUTH
This guy wanted me to smoke a cigar
and ash on his balls while I jerked
him off.
EDWARD
Wow, see your job is interesting
cause no two days are alike. I go
to work and Im like, grrr!
Monotony!
RUTH
Its a ride.
EDWARD
(beat)
Ruth, honey, Ive been thinking.
RUTH
About what?
46.
EDWARD
Well... I love you.
RUTH
I love you too.
EDWARD
And weve been together a long
time, and I... well... what do you
think about... us spending the
night together?
RUTH
(disbelieving surprise)
You mean sharing a bed?
EDWARD
Yeah.
RUTH
And... having sex?
EDWARD
Well, I mean, not right away. We
could just lie together the first
few times, see how it feels, and
then go from there.
RUTH
Eddie... were Christians.
EDWARD
I know we are. And I want to do
the correct thing in the eyes of
the Lord, but... if we really love
each other... then wouldnt God be
okay with it?
Over the following line, Ruth turns her head, and we see her
opposite cheek for the first time. There is a small dollop
of semen dripping down her face.
RUTH
I dont know, youre talking about
premarital relations.
EDWARD
Oop, you got a little somethin
there.
RUTH
Oh.
47.
EDWARD
I got it.
Edward wipes it off with his handkerchief, and puts it back
in his pocket.
RUTH
Eddie, Im just not sure...
EDWARD
Maybe think about it?
At that moment, Albert enters and sits down with a head full
of steam.
ALBERT
Thats it. Im out.
EDWARD
Huh?
ALBERT
Im out. Im gone. Im getting
outta here, and Im going to San
Francisco.
RUTH
What?
ALBERT
Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye.
EDWARD
Whoa whoa, Al, are you serious?
Cause of Louise?
ALBERT
Yes, Im fucking serious. Theres
shit all for me here, and Im out.
I hate the frontier, I hate
everything in it, and Im not gonna
be emotionally tortured by seeing
the girl I thought I was gonna
marry every single day with her new
asshole moustached boyfriend.
RUTH
So... youre just gonna leave Old
Stump?
ALBERT
Wow, Ruth, I love you, but you have
no idea how fuckin stupid that
sounds.
48.
EDWARD
What about me?
ALBERT
What?
EDWARD
What am I gonna do if youre gone?
ALBERT
Well gosh, Edward, were men, so I
guess theres no need to make a big
deal about it. This is-- I gotta
do this, and... Im sorry.
ANGLE ON THE BAR - The bartender gives Lewis a drink. He
takes it, and raises it to his mouth. At that moment, a
YOUNG COWBOY behind him laughs heartily at some joke or other
told by his buddy, and bumps Lewis in the back. Lewis drink
spills on him. He turns around.
YOUNG COWBOY
Hey, watch it, pal.
LEWIS
I think you owe me a drink, fella.
YOUNG COWBOY
(derisive laugh)
What the hells wrong with you?
LEWIS
Im thirsty.
YOUNG COWBOY
Well then go down to the river and
take a dunk.
LEWIS
Last chance, kid.
The young cowboy takes a glass from the bar, pours a whiskey,
and moves to hand it to Lewis. Lewis goes to take it, but at
the last moment the young cowboy drops his lit cigarette in
the glass. Lewis stares for a second, then pulls out his gun
and shoots the young cowboy in the chest. The young cowboy
falls to the ground, dead. Albert and his friends react with
alarm. Another rough-looking local behind Lewis breaks a
bottle across his ear. Lewis goes down. Another cowboy
turns on the bottle-breaking cowboy.
OTHER COWBOY
Thats my bottle, you son of a
bitch!
49.
He takes a swing at the bottle-breaking cowboy, and a bar
brawl ensues almost instantly.
ALBERT/EDWARD
Oh Jesus/Oh shit.
ALBERT
Why the fuck does this always have
to happen? Two guys get in a fight
and then suddenly we all have to
start fighting.
EDWARD
Cmon hurry, get in position.
ANGLE ON the brawl in full swing. Two guys near Edward and
Albert are into it, and their fight is making its way nearer.
When it gets really close, we reveal Edward and Albert are
mock fighting to protect themselves.
EDWARD (CONTD)
We got our own thing goin on over
here!
ALBERT
Yeah, and its really bad! Stop
fighting me!
EDWARD
I friggin hate this guy!
ALBERT
Ow! A punch!
EDWARD
I hope I win!
ALBERT
Yeah, nobody needs to get in on
this! Were both getting hurt
pretty bad!
At that moment, Albert notices something O.S. ANGLE ON the
balcony above, where a few cowboys are brawling. The rickety
wooden railing is cracking with each impact, about to give
way. Directly beneath it is Anna, attempting to keep out of
the way of the action. Albert runs toward her, and pushes
her out of the way just as two brawling cowboys crash through
the railing, falling to the floor below. She just misses
being crushed by their fall, and by the heavy wooden debris.
50.
EXT. SALOON - NIGHT
Albert and Anna stumble out of the saloon, out of breath.
ANNA
Thank you.
ALBERT
Yeah, sure.
At that moment, the sheriff and deputy race up the saloon
steps, guns firing into the air.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Shit! Come on, lets go.
EXT. FURTHER UP THE STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Albert and Anna dust themselves off as they walk up the
street.
ANNA
Pretty fast hands back there. I
guess youre a real hero, huh?
ALBERT
Oh no, Im not the hero. Im the
guy in the crowd making fun of the
heros shirt.
ANNA
Ah.
Plugger runs up to Anna enthusiastically.
ANNA (CONTD)
Heh. This is Plugger.
ALBERT
(petting him)
Hey there, Plugger. (then) So...
that was your brother, huh?
ANNA
Lewis, yeah.
ALBERT
Does he generally commit murder
over beverage-related disputes?
ANNA
Hes always been a little
rambunctious, yeah.
51.
ALBERT
Yeah, he seems like a character.
Youre... okay, though?
ANNA
Oh yeah, Ive seen him do it a
hundred times. I dont have to
worry about Lewis, hell pull
himself out no problem.
ALBERT
Yeah, doesnt seem like theres
anything to worry about Im uh...
Im Albert by the way.
ANNA
Anna.
ALBERT
You guys just got into town, huh?
Welcome to our awesome town.
ANNA
Thanks, yeah, Lewis and I just came
from Kansas City.
ALBERT
Oh, Kansas.
ANNA
Well no, its in Missouri.
ALBERT
Oh right, thats annoying and
weird.
ANNA
Yeah, we were wanting a change, so
we came out to the frontier looking
to build a farm.
ALBERT
Really? Thats what I do. I have
a farm about two miles from here.
ANNA
Oh, cattle?
ALBERT
Sheep.
ANNA
Oh.
52.
ALBERT
Yeah.
ANNA
Well, thats gotta be fulfilling
work though, right?
ALBERT
Yeah, its great, its like being a
dog walker for a hundred and fifty
really stupid dogs.
ANNA
(laughs)
It cant be that bad. Sheep are
cute.
ALBERT
Yeah, thats the problem. I mean,
if I was a cattle farmer, that'd be
one thing. Y'know? That's a manly
job. You use cows to make beef.
Leather. Tough things. With sheep
you make sweaters. I'm basically a
sweater farmer.
ANNA
(laughs)
Okay.
They reach the big stump in the center of the street.
ANNA (CONTD)
Im assuming this is why the towns
called Old Stump.
ALBERT
Yeah, when they built the town,
they had to cut down this big tree,
but they couldnt move the stump.
They didnt have any dynamite, and
they ran outta black guys, so they
just had to leave it here, right in
the middle of the street.
ANNA
(gesturing)
Well, why couldnt they just build
the town fifty feet that way?
Albert stares at the stump for a beat.
53.
ALBERT
So, why would you leave Kansas City
for the western frontier? I mean,
this is a shithole.
ANNA
I dont know -- its exciting.
Everythings so new and
unpredictable.
ALBERT
Well that is true, nothing is what
it seems out here, like look-- see
that building right there? I mean
we dont know whats inside. I
mean it could be anything.
He points to a wooden building that is ridiculously and
obviously marked BANK in huge letters. Anna laughs.
ALBERT (CONTD)
This whole place has such an air of
mystery about it.
ANNA
Im getting the sense that youre
kind of a negative guy.
ALBERT
I live in a place thats as boring
as it is deadly. The whole West is
basically just like a big dangerous
bummer. But its not gonna be my
problem any longer. Im packing up
tomorrow.
ANNA
Really? Well, you gotta do what
makes you happy.
ALBERT
Kind of impossible right now, but
well see.
Anna regards him for a moment.
ANNA
Could it be... that you are also a
man with a broken heart?
ALBERT
Since you brought it up, can I
unload all my shit on you?
54.
ANNA
Well, I do owe you one.
EXT. A RIDGE - NIGHT
Albert and Anna sit on a rock, looking down at the town of
Old Stump below. From this angle, the town looks idyllic and
peaceful.
ALBERT
My whole life revolved around
making her happy. She was the one
thing that made the shootings and
wild animals and Indians and
general depressing awfulness about
the West bearable, yknow?
ANNA
Howd you guys meet?
ALBERT
We both had dysentery in the same
hospital.
ANNA
Bloody stools.
ALBERT
Bloody stools. Bloody stoolerinos.
And we totally hit it off. She was
tired of living in Sherman Creek,
so we both came back to Old Stump,
I helped her get set up with a job
as a schoolmarm, and shes been
here with me ever since.
ANNA
Was she a good marm?
ALBERT
She could marm. She could marm.
Her marming skills were-- I would
say she outmarmed any other marm
this towns had. She marmed the
hell outta that school. She made
the churchmarm look like a piece of
shit.
ANNA
My mom was a marm.
55.
ALBERT
And, the whole time we were
together, I thought, how can I
possibly be this happy? One of
these days shes gonna figure out
shes too good for me. And then
one day she did.
ANNA
I think you got that upside down.
I mean, it sounds like youve bent
over backwards for this girl, but
whats she given you in return?
ALBERT
I told you, she made me happy.
ANNA
Uh huh. Well, if this Foy guy is
that much of a douche, then shell
figure it out if shes smart.
Sometimes a girl has to get a few
assholes out of her system before
she realizes what a good guy looks
like.
Albert sighs. Suddenly, there is a rattling sound. They
look down, and a rattlesnake is slowly slithering by at their
feet. All of the following dialogue is said through tight
mouths and with frozen bodies.
ALBERT
Oh, fuck.
ANNA
Is it a copperhead?
ALBERT
Yeahp.
ANNA
Fuck.
ALBERT
If we hold still, well be fine.
ANNA
Okay.
A beat.
ANNA (CONTD)
So, youre really leaving tomorrow,
huh?
56.
ALBERT
Yeah.
ANNA
Why dont you at least stay through
the weekend? Isnt the fair on
Saturday?
ALBERT
Oh, fuck that, Louise is gonna be
there, and shes gonna be with Foy.
ANNA
Well then Ill go with you. No
better way to make your ex-
girlfriend want you back than to
have her see you with another girl.
ALBERT
(sigh)
Maybe.
ANNA
Especially a hot girl. She sees
me, shell be totally intimidated.
ALBERT
Oh, youre very modest I see.
ANNA
Yes, I know Im a little cocky, but
I have great tits, so...
Albert laughs, which makes the rattler shake its rattle.
ALBERT
(freezing up again)
Ah, shit! Sorry! Sorry!
EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP STREET - NEXT MORNING
An old man sits outside the general store reading the paper.
The headline reads BAR BRAWLER ARRESTED FOR MURDER.
INT. SHERIFFS OFFICE - SAME
Lewis lies sleeping in a cell. The SHERIFF enters with Anna.
SHERIFF
Barnes. You got a visitor.
Lewis wakes up and sees Anna.
57.
LEWIS
Anna!
ANNA
You dumb asshole.
LEWIS
Hey look, I didnt know who he was,
and besides, he was all up in my
face, you saw--
ANNA
You shot the pastors son. You
realize theyre probably gonna hang
you.
Lewis moves in closer and lowers his voice.
LEWIS
Who gives a fuck what they want?
When Clinch gets into town, its
not gonna matter what they do.
Hell bust me out and anyone who
tries to stop him is gonna be a
dead man.
ANNA
Then hes a murderer. And so are
you.
LEWIS
(beat, darkens)
I dont think Clinch would like you
talking about him that way. Not a
nice thing for a mans wife to say
about her husband.
ANNA
Well, well see if he gets here in
time, huh. Tick tock.
Anna exits. Lewis watches her with dark silence.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
The fairgound is bustling with frontier folk. There are
tents, shooting galleries, games, etc. Albert rides up on
his horse and dismounts. Three sheep approach, and start
baa-ing.
ALBERT
(shooing them away)
Oh, Jesus, come on! Go home! Go!
58.
(MORE)
That way! Jonathan! Andrew! Go!
Now!
The sheep wander off as he ties his horse to a nearby post,
as Anna rides up.
ANNA
Hey, sheepboy!
ALBERT
Hey.
She dismounts.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Jesus, I heard about your brother.
ANNA
Albert, Ill only say this once. I
dont want to talk about Lewis.
Anything that happens to him right
now is his own fault. Got it?
ALBERT
Yeah, sure.
ANNA
Now lets hit the fair, cause you
know what I wanna do?
ALBERT
Eat hot food in hundred-degree
weather?
ANNA
Get my picture taken. Never done
it before.
ALBERT
Well youre in luck, they got a guy
right over there.
ANNA
Lets do it, come on!
She pulls him onto the fairground and over to the photo
booth. They get in line. A sign reads, PHOTO GRAPHS! MADE
BY LIGHTNING AND GOD HIMSELF! A family is posing for a photo
as a photographer stands under the curtain of a large, old
camera.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, everybody hold still!
59.
ALBERT (CONT'D)
The family stands rigidly and without expression, as the
powder flash goes off, leaving smoke in its wake.
ANNA
Yknow, supposedly theres some guy
in Texas who smiled one time while
he was getting his picture taken.
ALBERT
Shut the fuck up. I was just
talkin about--are you serious?
ANNA
I think. I mean I heard it
somewhere, I dunno if its true.
ALBERT
Yeah, that sounds like the kinda
bullshit somebody would make up.
Short beat.
ANNA
So, I know what kinda girl you like
-- what kinda girl do you not like?
ALBERT
Huh?
ANNA
Like, whats the worst quality for
you in another person?
ALBERT
Oh, thats an interesting question.
ANNA
That deal-breaker thing you
absolutely cannot tolerate. For me
its tobacco chewing. I dont care
how much a guy smokes, but if he
chews, forget it. Theres no way
Im kissing that. And hes
definitely not going down on me.
ALBERT
Wow. Thats beautiful. You should
stitch that into a pillow.
ANNA
(laughs)
60.
ALBERT
You can embroider it all fancy and
it can say Dont go snackin if
you been tobaccin.
ANNA
(laugh trails off)
Well, what about you?
ALBERT
Um... well, youre gonna think this
is fucked up because it is, but I
really cant handle it when a girl
looks like her dad.
ANNA
Okay, thats... bizarre. Why?
ALBERT
Well I mean, if Im dating a girl,
and then I meet her mom and dad,
and it turns out she looks like
him, and I see all the matching
facial features, and the bone
structure and whatnot, from then on
every time I kiss her, Im very
aware that Im kissing... the
dads... facial geography. And it
just has a gay feeling.
ANNA
I see.
ALBERT
Yeah, I know. I was dating this
girl about ten years ago and me and
her and her family all went down to
the creek for a swim one day, and
her dad took his shirt off, and he
had the exact same nipples as she
did. I had to move to a different
town.
ANNA
(beat)
Im surprised your girlfriend left
you.
ALBERT
(laughing despite himself)
Yeah yeah, shut the hell up.
ANGLE ON the photographer again. Now there is a couple
standing in front of the camera.
61.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, everyone hold still!
The camera flash explodes, killing the photographer and
igniting several passers-by. Albert, Anna, and the other
people in line react to the explosion.
ALBERT/ANNA
Jesus!/Oh my God!
ALBERT
This fucking fair! Every year
something happens, and boom --
people die.
ANNA
Every year people die?
ALBERT
Oh yeah, I forget youre from a
place thats not awful. Yes, every
year people die. Lets see -- last
year there were two gunfights, a
stage collapsed, there were two
knife fights, a drowning, and the
Indians attacked.
Nearby, a BARKER stands at a booth that says Medicine Show.
An array of tonics and elixirs with colorful labels are
displayed.
BARKER
Sir and madam! May I divert your
attention over here for a moment!
Albert and Anna approach.
BARKER (CONTD)
Welcome, welcome! Can I interest
you in a miracle cure? Only the
finest healing tonics and elixirs
procured from the farthest corners
of the globe!
Albert picks up a bottle.
ALBERT
Ogdens Celebrated Stomach Bitters.
Can I-- can I just ask-- celebrated
by who? Whos celebrating about
stomach bitters?
62.
ANNA
God, look at the ingredients:
alcohol, cocaine, morphine--
ALBERT
Mercury with chalk. What the hell
is mercury with chalk?
BARKER
(with flare)
Science!
ALBERT
(reading)
And red flannel. Red flannel?
Theres shirt in here?
BARKER
Pieces of shirt.
ALBERT
Okay, thank you.
BARKER
(holding up a bottle)
Would you care to try some Parkers
Liquid Beef Tonic!
ALBERT
(looking O.S.)
Oh God.
ANNA
What?
ALBERT
Thats them.
ANGLE ON Louise and Foy approaching.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay, lets pretend you just said
something funny.
Albert laughs hysterically with an hand on Annas shoulder.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Wait, no-- shit! You pretend I
just said something funny.
ANNA
Come on, introduce me.
She takes his arm and leads him over to Foy and Louise.
63.
ALBERT
Wait, no--
ANNA
Hi there! Foy and Louise, right?
FOY
Thats right.
ALBERT
Hi, Louise.
LOUISE
Hello, Albert.
ALBERT
Uh, this is Anna. Shes uh...
ANNA
Im his girlfriend.
ALBERT
Shes my girlfriend. The new gf.
Big time.
ANNA
Lotttt of sexual activity.
ALBERT
Y--yeah. (to Foy and Louise)
How bout you guys? Any sexual
acts?
LOUISE
Albert, stop it. Sweetie, Im
sorry--
ALBERT
Oh, hes sweetie now. You hear
that? Isnt that great? God, Im
rooting for you guys.
LOUISE
Youre embarrassing yourself,
Albert.
FOY
No, its all right, dear. Im only
sweetie in public. When were
alone, she calls me... penis man.
ANNA
Hey, we were just about to try the
shooting gallery. Wanna join?
64.
ALBERT
What?
ANNA
Yeah, itll be fun, right bigger
penis man? Thats my nickname for
him. Whats crazy is that I
actually came up with it before we
even heard yours.
FOY
Thats a great idea! In fact, what
do you say we make things
interesting? A nickel a target.
ALBERT
Thats uh-- thats a little rich
for my blood. How bout a penny?
FOY
Whats the matter, Albert? Is
business ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad?!
Foy looks around at everyone, impressed with himself.
FOY (CONTD)
A penny it is. Good lord, Albert,
youre such a sheepskate.
Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself.
FOY (CONTD)
All right Louise, get ready to
shear me on.
Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself.
FOY (CONTD)
For heaven sakes, Foy.
ANNA
Well then, lets get to it, huh?
Foy and Louise approach the gallery.
ALBERT
(aside, to Anna)
What the hell are you doing? I
suck balls at--
ANNA
Relax, itll be fine.
65.
Foy steps up to the gallery, and pays the vendor. He takes
out a small tin of moustache wax, and expertly greases his
moustache. He picks up the gun, takes aim, and the targets
begin popping up. They are all cardboard images of the same
completely racist, stereotypical-looking, wide-eyed black guy
cartoon character dressed only in overalls. Foy shoots fast
and sure, and takes out two thirds of the targets.
VENDOR
7 out of 10! Quite a marksman!
He turns smugly to Albert as we hear a smattering of applause
from the small group of observers who have gathered.
FOY
Care to try?
Albert takes the gun, and reluctantly aims. He fires several
times, and does not hit a single target. The crowd groans
and sneers. ANGLE ON the 12 year-old girl from the earlier
restaurant scene, watching with a friend.
OTHER GIRL
Didnt you date that guy?
GIRL
Weeee hung out a few times, I dunno
if youd call it dating.
OTHER GIRL
Not so good huh?
GIRL
I mean, he gave it the ol college
try but it just didnt have the wow
factor.
ANGLE BACK ON FOY, who stands smugly facing Albert.
FOY
Looks like thats seven cents you
owe me, sheepherder.
ANNA
Hang on a sec.
Foy looks at her.
ANNA (CONTD)
You wanna make it even more
interesting?
Foy waits to hear her out.
66.
ANNA (CONTD)
If I can shoot 10 out of 10 on
Alberts behalf, you owe him a
dollar. If I cant, he owes you a
dollar.
ALBERT
Whoa now, hang on--
CROWD
A dollar?! / Ive never seen a
dollar! / Nobody has a dollar! /
LET US SEE THE DOLLAR!
FOY
All right. Youre on.
Foy smugly and confidently hands her the gun.
ANNA
(to vendor)
Can that thing go any faster?
VENDOR
Well yeah, you can play double or
triple speeds, but thats--
ANNA
Fastest speed you got.
The vendor turns a crank as Foy looks on suspiciously. The
shooting gallery starts up again, this time racing along at
lightning speeds. Anna makes quick work of all the targets,
hitting every single one. She hands the gun back to Foy, who
looks on stunned, as does everyone else.
ALBERT
Holy shit.
ANNA
Thatll be one dollar.
Foy numbly takes out a very large old-style dollar, and hands
it to Albert, who is also stunned.
CROWD
There it is! / Its beautiful!
ANGLE ON a FATHER, smacking the back of his sons head.
FATHER
Take your hat off, thats a dollar
bill!
67.
FOY
(to Albert)
Well. A man who lets his
girlfriend do his shooting for him.
Isnt that a fine thing.
A few people chuckle.
FOY (CONTD)
(louder)
I say, isnt that a fine thing!
More people laugh harder.
ALBERT
I know that you really dont think
that it is.
ANNA
(deadpan)
Thats telling him, Albert.
ALBERT
In an hour, Ill think of like
eight comebacks.
FOY
(to Louise)
I see why you dumped him.
Foy kisses Louise on the cheek. Albert has had all he can
take of this.
ALBERT
You wanna back up that attitude,
asshole?
FOY
Youre kidding.
ALBERT
(beat)
Pistols. You and me.
FOY
You wouldnt have a prayer, kiddo.
ALBERT
Tomorrow. 8 a.m. sharp.
FOY
All right. Challenge accepted.
68.
ANNA
Ooh, gosh, tomorrows bad for me
and I really wanna be there-- how
about two weeks from today.
(pointedly) That work for you,
Albert?
ALBERT
Yeah, sure.
FOY
(beat, nods)
Two weeks. Come on Louise, Ill
buy you some sugared butter
shavings.
Foy pulls Anna away as they both exit. Albert exhales.
ALBERT
Oh fuck.
ANNA
Wow.
ALBERT
What. The hell. Did I just do?
ANNA
You just challenged Foy to a
gunfight.
ALBERT
Oh Jesus. I just fuckin snapped,
I didnt even know what I was
saying!
ANNA
Its interesting. Did you see the
look on Louises face?
ALBERT
No, what do you mean?
ANNA
She was alert. Aroused. She was
impressed.
ALBERT
She was?
69.
ANNA
Yeah, she was. You had a fire in
your belly for a second there, pal,
and I bet you never showed her that
side of you before.
ALBERT
I dont have that side. Someone
else took control of my brain just
now.
ANNA
Well, you definitely got her
attention. You beat that guy in a
gunfight, and I bet she thinks
twice about dumping you.
ALBERT
Yeah?
ANNA
Yup.
ALBERT
Anna, I cant be in a gunfight!
What am I, Clinch Leatherwood over
here? Ill get killed--
ANNA
(turning to him
defensively)
Why would you say that?
ALBERT
What do you mean? Cause hes the
most vicious gunfighter in the
territory. Which I am not.
ANNA
No, youre definitely not Clinch
Leatherwood. And dont worry, that
two weeks I bought you is enough
time for me to teach you how to
shoot.
ALBERT
Yeah, and thats another thing, how
the hell can you shoot like that?
Who the hell are you?
ANNA
My father was a gunmaker, Ive been
firing guns since I could walk.
70.
(MORE)
Come on, sheepboy, youre all
worked up, lets get you a drink.
They walk past the medicine show barker again.
BARKER
Hey, its our sweet young couple!
Can I interest you folks in some
Wild Root Cream Oil?
ANNA
Oh no, were--
Suddenly, a giant long-horn bull stampedes through frame,
knocking over the bottle display and instantly and gruesomely
killing the barker and dragging him O.S. Anna and Albert
stare in shock for a beat, then:
ANNA (CONTD)
People die at the--
ALBERT
(overlapping)
People die at the fair.
INT. SALOON - DAY
As Albert and Anna enter (Plugger tags along but waits
outside), We see the sheriff and deputy leaving, restraining
a man in his underwear. Inside, Millie stands with Ruth,
Edward, and about six other whores. They all look
distraught.
ALBERT
Hey, whats going on? Is
everything all right?
MILLIE
(emotional)
One of the girls was raped.
ALBERT/ANNA
Oh my god! / Jesus, what happened?
MILLIE
I walked in and this rancher was
just riding Becky like she was some
sort of show pony.
ANNA/ALBERT
Oh, god./Ohhhh.
71.
ANNA (CONT'D)
ALBERT
Sex.
MILLIE
Yeah.
ALBERT
Like... different from normal...
whorehouse sex.
ANNA
I know, I was gonna ask-- did he
not pay, or--
RUTH
No, she was on her lunch break, and
he didnt wanna wait til she was
done with her sandwich.
EDWARD
It just goes to show a woman is
never really completely safe from
male aggression.
RUTH
I know, I mean, if a rape can
happen here, then it can happen
anywhere.
ALBERT
Yeah, I mean, probably more likely
to happen here, but--is she okay?
MILLIE
Yeah, the doctors with her now.
ALBERT
Oh Jesus, Im so sorry. Uh, this
is Anna by the way.
Anna and the rest ad-lib muted greetings to each other.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Please let me know if theres
anything I can do, I mean, we could
send a card or something.
WHORE #1
You know what, if I were her, Id
probably love something I could
use, like milk.
ALBERT
Well, yeah--
72.
ANNA
We can send milk, sure.
WHORE #1
That would be so nice.
ALBERT
Well send milk.
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
A row of tin cans sits on a rock formation. Albert points a
gun at them. Anna stands beside him, watching. Plugger
lounges nearby. Albert fires off several shots, and does not
hit one can.
ALBERT
This is never gonna work.
ANNA
Yes, it will. Will you just trust
me? Itll work, and Louise will be
back in your arms before you know
it.
ALBERT
(beat)
Why are you being so nice to me? I
mean, you show up outta nowhere,
youre completely out of place in
my world of terribleness out here.
I mean, you must have a million
better things to do.
ANNA
What I cant make a new friend?
When I met you, you looked like you
could use one.
ALBERT
I guess, I just-- really dont know
anything about you.
ANNA
Can I ask you something about you?
ALBERT
Sure.
ANNA
Why do you love Louise?
73.
ALBERT
I feel great when Im with her,
shes classy, shes fun, shes
insanely gorgeous...
ANNA
She's very pretty, yes, but
honestly, and Im sorry to say
this, I don't see what else she's
got going for her. My impression
was that shes kinda sour and self-
absorbed. And for a guy with so
much going for him, I would think--
ALBERT
Well, lets not get hysterical.
ANNA
Im not. Youre sweet, youre
funny, youre not terrible on the
eyes--
ALBERT
Not terrible is what I shoot for.
ANNA
And youve made something of
yourself. A lot of people out here
cant say that. Youre a good
sheep farmer.
ALBERT
Oh please, I suck at sheep. Louise
is right, I cant keep track of
em. There was a sheep in the
whorehouse last week.
ANNA
That'd make a great song title. "A
Sheep in the Whorehouse."
ALBERT
(laughs gamely)
But... thanks anyway. For that
stuff you said.
ANNA
I think you're a rare, sweet, good-
hearted guy who hasn't figured out
his own worth. The West sucks,
yeah, but your problem isnt just
the frontier. Its you. You need
a little confidence boost.
74.
She brings his arm up and helps him aim the gun.
ANNA (CONTD)
Now, try again, sheepboy.
ALBERT
Yeah that sheepboy thing isnt
helping the ol confidence.
ANNA
I like sheepboy.
ALBERT
Why dont you just call me fag?
Get right to it.
ANNA
Okay, point your gun that way, fag.
He sighs and takes aim. He fires, missing can after can...
but on the very last shot, he hits one.
ANNA (CONTD)
Hey! There ya go!
ALBERT
Holy shit, look at that-- so all I
gotta do is get Foy to let me shoot
sixteen times before he shoots, and
I win!
ANNA
(laughs)
Youll get there, I promise.
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
We see a row of bottles on a fence. Anna aims the gun and
calmly shoots, blowing them all off. She sets up a new row.
Albert fires repeatedly, and doesnt hit one. Frustrated, he
walks right up to one of the bottles, practically touches it
with the barrel of his gun, and fires. He still misses. Now
childishly frustrated, he spastically knocks all the bottles
off with his hands.
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
Anna throws a plate into the air like a clay pigeon. She
expertly shoots it out of the sky. Albert throws another
plate into the air. He shoots at it several times. The
plate falls back down, shattering in his face. He yells in
pain as his nose spurts blood.
75.
INT. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - DAY
Albert sits on the examining table, his nose still bleeding.
Doctor Harper takes out a hammer and railroad spike. Albert
shakes his head no way, and brusquely exits.
EXT. LAKE SHORE - DAY
Albert aims at a melon with a cowboy hat and a moustache that
resembles Foys. Anna guides his aim, and he shoots. He
hits the edge of the melon.
EXT. LAKE SHORE - LATER
Albert and Anna are eating the melon on a picnic blanket.
ALBERT
See, this is how we do it, well
just eat him.
ANNA
Then no onell fuck with us. Well
be cannibals.
ALBERT
(as Foy, wearing Foy
moustache)
Stop eating my brains! I need them
for new moustache ideas!
Anna laughs.
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
Albert shoots at the bottles. He manages to hit a couple
this time.
ANNA
There ya go!
ALBERT
What if I dont actually shoot, I
just make the sound?
He pantomimes shooting, and makes dead-on gunshot sounds with
his mouth as he does.
76.
EXT. ALBERTS FARM - DAY
Anna has drawn a chalk outline of a person on the side of
Alberts barn. Albert shoots at the barn, and hits the
target pretty well. He turns and smiles at Anna, who hugs
him. After a beat, George runs out of the barn with a
shotgun, and starts shooting. Albert and Anna drop to the
ground. When George sees its them, he stops firing.
GEORGE
Goddammit, Albert! No more
friends!
EXT. PRAIRIE - LATE AFTERNOON
Anna and Albert sit together on a rock overlooking a
spectacular vista.
ANNA
You did great today. So much
better than last week.
ALBERT
I dunno.
ANNA
You did. And I have a surprise for
you. Youve earned one of Anna
Barnes very special super secret
cookies.
She takes a cookie out of a cloth, and takes a bite. She
hands it to Albert.
ANNA (CONTD)
Here.
ALBERT
Oh wait, is this-- is this a weed
cookie?
ANNA
(laughing)
Yes, its a weed cookie.
ALBERT
I.. Dont do well with that stuff.
ANNA
Thats cause youre too uptight.
Thisll help. Just have a little.
77.
ALBERT
No. One of my worst fears is that
Ill accidentally O.D. on a
recreational drug.
ANNA
Come on.
He reluctantly takes a very very small bite.
ANNA (CONTD)
Oh come on, more than that.
Albert eats a normal-sized bite.
ANNA (CONTD)
And now we get to wait for the
sunset.
EXT. PRAIRIE - 30 MINUTES LATER
The sun is setting spectacularly. Albert looks very uneasy.
ALBERT
This is so weird. Is it supposed
to be like this?
ANNA
(laughing)
Yes! Oh my god, will you relax?
ALBERT
I-- you gave me the right amount,
right? You dont think I took too
much?
ANNA
Jesus, Im sorry I ever even
suggested it, I thought itd help
you relax.
ALBERT
(artificially relaxed
sigh)
Its nice out here.
ANNA
Yeah.
ALBERT
You dont think something went
wrong, right? Like Im not gonna
stay this way.
78.
ANNA
Albert, youre fine, just ride it
out.
ALBERT
But like, you know other people
whove tried that cookie, right?
And they lived?
A prairie dog pops up from a hole.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Oh shit. Anna. He knows. He
knows all about this.
Anna cracks up.
EXT. SHERMAN CREEK TRAIL - DAY
The sky is dark and overcast. A driving rain pours down from
the sky. ANGLE ON A Wells Fargo stagecoach travelling along
the muddy trail. The driver and the man riding shotgun look
uneasy, as do the three well-dressed passengers (a middle-
aged MALE PASSENGER, his WIFE, and their young SON) in the
back. The wagon passes over a particularly wet patch, and
grinds to a halt.
DRIVER
Oh, shit.
The driver and the shotgun guard get down and try to push the
wagon out of the mud. No luck.
DRIVER (CONTD)
Look, John. This holes been
freshly dug.
SHOTGUN GUARD
(looking around)
Thats bad news. Look sharp.
The driver opens the passenger door.
DRIVER
Im sorry sir, but we need another
body.
MALE PASSENGER
(sighs, annoyed)
Its all right.
The three passengers get out. The mother and son stand off
to the side as the three men push as hard as they can.
79.
ANGLE ON the son, who spots a lizard on the ground. He
chases after it, then comes to a stop as he sees something
O.S. ANGLE ON Clinch and his gang, watching atop their
horses. ANGLE back on the men pushing the wagon. A shot
rings out. The men back away, startled. Clinch and his gang
approach. Clinch marches up to the counter, and aims his
pistol at the shotgun guard.
CLINCH
Drop it.
The shotgun guard angrily drops his rifle. Clinch nods to
his men to search the coach. Two of them dig around, until
Ben pulls an iron lockbox from under the drivers seat.
BEN
Found it, Clinch!
He puts it on the ground. Clinch shoots the padlock off and
opens it up. Inside are bars and bars of gold bullion.
ANGLE ON the driver, who slowly reaches for a hidden gun.
Clinch picks up one of the bars.
CLINCH
Ten thousand in gold bullion.
Well kindly relieve the Wells
Fargo company of this heavy burden.
The driver now has his gun and is starting to raise it, when
Clinch whirls around and shoots it out of his hand. The
driver yelps in pain, and Clinch approaches him, backing him
into the side of the coach. Clinch presses the barrel of his
gun hard against the drivers throat.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Im gonna give you just one
warning: you try that again, and
thisll happen.
Clinch shoots the driver dead. His lifeless body slumps to
the floor. The wife pulls her son close to her and covers
his face.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Like I said-- one warning. All
right, boys, lets go!
Clinch and his men gallop away.
EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - SHORTLY AFTER
The rain has ceased. Clinch and his men come to a stop.
80.
BEN
Holy shit, Clinch, we did it!
The outlaws whoop and cheer, and fire their guns into the
air.
CLINCH
Shut up! Were not gonna be
stupid. Nobodys doing a goddamn
thing with this haul until things
cool down. Well head back to Old
Stump, get Lewis and Anna and then
lay low for at least a month.
Understood?
The outlaws ad-lib affirmative, obedient responses.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Good.
Clinch rides away, followed by his men.
EXT./ESTAB. DANCE HALL - NIGHT
INT. DANCE HALL - SAME
The barn is decorated for a frontier-town barn dance.
Everyone is dressed in their best clothing. A band plays on
a wooden stage. Albert and Anna enter. She wears a large,
very uncomfortable-looking dress with a double bustle.
ANNA
Well, thisll be fun. Its nice to
put on some loose, comfortable
clothes and just be able to relax,
yknow?
ALBERT
Yes, I love formal frontier dress.
How many foot undergarments are you
wearing?
ANNA
Um, Ive got two pairs of wool calf
pantaloons, three pairs of Dutch
socks, a set of foot mittens, and
and a brace of government
overshoes. You?
81.
ALBERT
Uh, Ive got four pairs of Dutch
socks, one set of sealskin ankle
moccasins, a duplet of Klondike
heel officers, and a blanket-lined
oil-cloth footcoat.
ANNA
Im really comfortable.
ALBERT
Me too. I like your bustle.
ANNA
Yeah, I love living in a culture
where its a positive fashion
statement to simulate a fat ass.
ALBERT
If I was a black guy, thats the
meanest trick you could play on me.
ANNA
I know, especially cause when you
lift it up, its just a big metal
cage.
Over the previous line, she lifts up the back of the dress,
revealing just that.
ALBERT
You are ready to relieve the stress
of the day.
ANNA
Completely.
ALBERT
Well, I suppose thisll be a good
way to spend what might be my last
night alive.
ANNA
Youre gonna be okay tomorrow.
Youve come a long way since the
fair.
ALBERT
Why the hell does everything in the
West have to be settled with
violence anyway? This is the
80s, for Christs sake; lets be
civilized.
82.
ANNA
Do you trust me?
ALBERT
(beat)
Yeah.
ANNA
(significantly)
Good. Youll be fine. If I
thought you were gonna lose this
gunfight, Id tell you to call it
off. (beat) Just trust me.
ALBERT
(believing her)
Okay...
EDWARD/RUTH
(approaching)
Hey Albert! / Hey!
EDWARD
Theyre gonna start the dance
pretty soon, you guys wanna join?
Were gonna do it.
ALBERT
With that band? Oh yeah. (calling
out) I just wanna point out that
all your instruments were made for
another purpose!
ANGLE ON THE BAND. Theres a washtub bass, a jug, a comb,
spoons, a pie plate banjo, etc.
ANNA
Im surprised no ones playing the
soap.
EDWARD
Oh, soap can be beautiful when its
played correctly.
The band finishes their song. The M.C. (played by Bill
Maher) steps up.
M.C.
So did you hear about this new
phonograph thing? Apparently
theyve come up with this new
machine where you can play recorded
sound right in your own home.
83.
(MORE)
So you can be right in your living
room and hear Beethovens ninth,
you can listen Mozarts Marriage of
Figaro, or you can hear Tchaikovsky
suck a dick.
This gets a laugh.
M.C. (CONTD)
Okay, lets all line up for the
sweethearts dance!
Anna grabs Alberts arm.
ANNA
Come on, lets go.
They head for the dance floor. On the way, they bump into
Foy and Louise.
FOY
Well. Hello there, sheepie.
ALBERT
Hello, Foy. Hi Louise.
LOUISE
(wary)
Hi, Albert.
FOY
Tomorrows a big day, isnt it?
Care for a last dance?
ALBERT
Yeah, we were gonna join in.
Foy smiles and walks toward the stage with Louise.
M.C.
And now to serenade us for the
sweethearts dance, our very own
Marcus Thornton!
A curly-haired man with a big moustache and beard steps up to
the stage. Foy approaches him, and whispers something.
Marcus smiles and nods. All the couples line up for the
sweethearts dance.
ALBERT
Ready for terrible, weird, stiff
traditional frontier dancing?
84.
M.C. (CONT'D)
Anna laughs. The band begins playing as the couples begin
the terrible, weird, stiff frontier dance.
SINGER
OH ALL OF YOU POOR SINGLE MEN /
DONT EVER GIVE UP IN DESPAIR / FOR
THERES ALWAYS A CHANCE WHILE
THERES LIFE / TO CAPTURE THE
HEARTS OF THE FAIR / NO MATTER WHAT
MAY BE YOUR AGE / YOU ALWAYS MAY
CUT A FINE DASH / YOU WILL SUIT ALL
THE GIRLS TO A HAIR / IF YOUVE
ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE!
A MOUSTACHE! IF YOUVE ONLY GOT A
MOUSTACHE!
Throughout all of this, Foy glares smugly at Albert,
occasionally stroking his moustache in rhythm to the music.
SINGER (CONTD)
NO MATTER FOR MANNERS OR STYLE / NO
MATTER FOR BIRTH OR FOR FAME / ALL
THESE USED TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
/ WITH YOUNG LADIES CHANGING THEIR
NAME / THERES NO REASON NOW TO
DESPOND / OR GO AND DO ANYTHING
RASH / FOR YOULL DO THOUGH YOU
CANT RAISE A CENT / IF YOUVE ONLY
GOT A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A
MOUSTACHE! IF YOUVE ONLY GOT A
MOUSTACHE.
By now the choreography has become bizarre and absurd.
SINGER (CONTD)
YOUR HEAD MAY BE THICK AS A BLOCK /
AND EMPTY AS ANY FOOTBALL / YOUR
EYES MAY BE GREEN AS THE GRASS /
YOUR HEART MAY BE HARD AS A WALL /
BUT TAKE THE ADVICE THAT I GIVE /
YOULL SOON GET AFFECTION AND CASH
/ AND YOULL BE ALL THE RAGE WITH
THE GIRLS / IF YOUVE ONLY GOT A
MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A
MOUSTACHE! IF YOUVE ONLY GOT A
MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! A
MOUSTACHE! BIG MOUSTACHE! THICK
MOUSTACHE! MY MOUSTACHE! YOUR
MOUSTACHE! SAY THE WORD, THE WORD
MOUSTACHE! NOW THAT I HAVE SAID
MOUSTACHE, I WANT YOU TO SAY
MOUSTACHE!
85.
CROWD
A MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE!
SINGER
NOW WE BOTH HAVE SAID MOUSTACHE! A
MOUSTACHE! A MOUSTACHE! IF YOUVE
ONLY GOT A MOUSTACHE!
ALBERT
Fuckin asshole.
ANNA
Hey, whaddaya say I steal a bottle
of whiskey and we hit the road.
ALBERT
I love that idea.
Anna smiles and walks over to the bar. Without breaking
stride, she addresses the bartender...
ANNA
Your dicks out.
...and swipes a whiskey bottle and two glasses off the bar as
he looks down. She sets them down on a nearby table. She
then pulls a small paper pouch out of her dress, and empties
a white powder into one of the glasses. She strides over to
another table, where Foy and Louise sit.
ANNA (CONTD)
Hey, Albert and I are gonna split.
But I just wanted to wish you good
luck tomorrow.
FOY
(coldly)
Thank you.
ANNA
So, I guess its weird knowing that
a woman can outshoot you, but fifty
cents says I can outdrink you too.
FOY
That. I can promise you is
impossible.
She holds up the two glasses, carefully obscuring the white
powder with her hand. She pours some whiskey into the
tainted glass, and passes it to him. She pours the other
glass for herself, and raises it. He does the same.
86.
ANNA
One, two, three.
They down their drinks. Foy finishes first.
ANNA (CONTD)
(with put-on
disappointment)
Shit.
FOY
Dont feel bad. Alcohol isnt good
for a womans constitution anyway.
ANNA
Guess not. Oh well. Do I feel
stupid.
She puts fifty cents on the table, and walks away.
INT. SHERIFFS OFFICE - NIGHT
Lewis is asleep in his cell, snoring. The sheriff approaches
with a tin plate of bread and beans. He draws his gun, and
unlocks the cell door.
SHERIFF
Suppertime, you lazy prick.
Lewis continues snoring.
SHERIFF (CONTD)
(under breath)
Goddamn waste of lungs.
The sheriff places the plate on the floor next to Lewis. He
looks down for just a moment... and thats when Lewis makes
his move. His arm shoots out and bashes the sheriff on the
head with one fist. The sheriff is stunned, and before he an
regain his wits, Lewis is on him. They struggle, the gun
flies out of the sheriffs hand, and Lewis smashes the
sheriffs head against the wall repeatedly. The sheriff
slumps to the floor, dead. Lewis puts the sheriffs body on
the cot, covers it with the blanket, and puts his own hat on
top. He grabs the sheriffs gun and runs out.
EXT. ALBERTS FARM - NIGHT
Albert and Anna sit on the fence, watching the sheep.
Plugger dozes nearby.
87.
ALBERT
I have that goddamn moustache song
stuck in my head.
ANNA
Just think of another song.
ALBERT
I cant, theres only like three
songs.
ANNA
Thats true, and theyre all by
Stephen Foster.
ALBERT
(meh)
Yeah.
ANNA
You like his music?
ALBERT
(glancing down at fence)
I dunno, Im on the fence about it.
ANNA
Wow, now I hope you get shot
tomorrow.
Albert laughs, then:
ALBERT
Listen, whatever happens
tomorrow... I just wanna thank you.
And... this may be the booze or
your pep talk of both, but... I
think I can do it. I can beat him.
ANNA
Like I said, youll be fine. And
you sound a lot more confident than
the guy who pulled me out of the
saloon not too long ago.
ALBERT
Yknow... I still dont know
anything about you. And I feel
like every time I ask, you change
the subject.
88.
ANNA
Theres really not much to tell. I
guess all you really need to know
is that I hate the West as much as
you do. For my own reasons.
ALBERT
Well then...
He pours two shots.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Fuck the West.
ANNA
Fuck the West!
They clink glasses and drink.
ANNA (CONTD)
Hey, how bout this: lets see how
many shitty things about the
frontier we can think of, and when
one of us says one, the other
person has to drink.
ALBERT
Oh, this is not a good idea.
ANNA
Come on, itll be fun.
ALBERT
No, I cant-- I-- when I drink too
much, it doesnt shit well.
ANNA
Doesnt sit well.
ALBERT
No, shit. It causes horrible
shits. The morning after I drink
too much, and I sit down to go to
the bathroom, it feels like a
madman trying to punch his way
outta my asshole.
Anna squirts bourbon through her nose as she laughs.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Thats what happens, right there.
I need at least half the Old
Testament in the john with me,
thats how long it takes.
89.
(MORE)
Ironically, it usually settles down
by the time I get to the part in
Leviticus where it says no butt
stuff.
ANNA
Oh my God! Okay, just shut up,
Ill go first. Um... stagecoach
rides.
ALBERT
Oh, Jesus.
ANNA
The only way any of us can travel
long distance is by riding along as
secondary cargo to the mail.
Drink.
Albert reluctantly drinks.
ANNA (CONTD)
Go.
ALBERT
Okay, ah-- and the whole time
youre surrounded by packages full
of weird smelly candles made from
whale sperm, and if it rains,
youll probably die.
She drinks.
ANNA
Whale sperm candles and perfume
that smells like animal fat with a
pine cone in it, which must be
delivered on time.
He drinks.
ALBERT
Yes, as the wealthiest man in a
town where many people die of
starvation, I am gonna be very
upset if my brass clock in a glass
dome case is delayed for any
reason.
She laughs and drinks.
90.
ALBERT (CONTD)
ANNA
I hope my box of aggressively-
patterned, easily-broken folding
fans arrives before summer.
He laughs and drinks.
ALBERT
I sure hope that package contains
the six items I somehow require to
hold up my pants.
She laughs and drinks.
ANNA
And I hope my iron stove that will
require twelve people to bring to
my house, three of whom will die on
the way, arrives before winter.
He laughs and drinks.
ALBERT
Fuck-- okay, you win! Im gonna
puke.
ANNA
Dont puke, youll die from it.
ALBERT
Ooh, before I forget-- (calling
off) Bridget! Come here, Bridget!
(makes sheep noise)
Bridget the sheep walks up with a tray strapped to her back.
On it is a small wrapped gift.
ANNA
(amused)
Whats this?
ALBERT
Ah, its... just a little something
to say thanks.
She opens the gift, revealing a framed photograph of a cowboy
with a big smile on his face.
ANNA
Holy shit!!
ALBERT
I know, right?
91.
ANNA
Hes smiling! In the picture!
ALBERT
I know, I bought it off a peddler
who was passing through town last
week.
ANNA
This is the guy I heard about! I
cant even believe this exists.
ALBERT
Yeah, and apparently hes not
insane.
ANNA
Bullshit.
ALBERT
Thats what the guy told me.
ANNA
It takes thirty seconds to take a
photograph. He wouldve had to
smile for thirty sustained seconds.
ALBERT
I know, Ive never been happy for
thirty seconds in a row in my life.
ANNA
Its the West, no one has. Hes
gotta be insane.
ALBERT
Mm.
ANNA
Albert, this was really sweet of
you.
ALBERT
Ah, it was the least I could do.
There is a beat. They look at one another... and Albert
leans in. They kiss.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Oh.
ANNA
Um... yeah.
92.
ALBERT
Im sorry. I shouldnt have done
that.
ANNA
Its okay.
ALBERT
I-- youve been a good friend to
me, thats all.
ANNA
Its really okay.
ALBERT
Plus Ive just had a shitload of
whiskey.
ANNA
(laughs)
Me too, I know. Its fine. I... I
should probably go anyway.
ALBERT
Yeah. Ill take you home.
EXT./ESTAB. FOYS HOUSE - NIGHT
INT. FOYS BEDROOM - SAME
Foy lies in bed with Louise.
LOUISE
You cant call it off?
FOY
Of course not! Id be branded a
coward.
LOUISE
But hes not a bad guy, Foy. I
mean, hes kind of a schmuck and
hes not successful like you, but
he doesnt deserve to be shot.
FOY
Louise, my decision is final. Now
do it.
LOUISE
But Im tired.
93.
FOY
Louise.
She sighs, and starts to suck the end of his moustache. He
breathes heavily as he reaches one hand down under the
covers, and begins to jerk himself off.
FOY (CONTD)
(softly)
Mmm... my social stature is
significant. Im an important man.
I have my own business. People
envy me.
Suddenly his eyes snap open, and he scrambles out of bed.
LOUISE
Whats wrong? Foy?
He races out of the room.
EXT. FOYS PROPERTY - NIGHT
Foy runs across the yard to his outhouse. He slams the door.
From inside, we hear the sounds of violent diarrhea.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Anna and Albert ride up, and get off their horses. She turns
to him.
ANNA
Good luck tomorrow. Ill be there.
ALBERT
Thanks...
They look at each other for a moment.
ANNA
Good night.
She kisses him. There is a rattle at their feet. ANGLE ON a
rattlesnake coiled on the ground. Anna and Albert freeze,
mid-kiss.
ANNA (CONTD)
Is it a copperhead?
ALBERT
Yeahp.
94.
ANNA
Oh shit.
ALBERT
Yeahp.
ANNA
Well, this is interesting.
ALBERT
Yeah, give it a sec, itll go away.
ANNA
Eh, let it stick around a bit.
ALBERT
Oh, you scandalous woman.
ANNA
Be careful, Im wanted for rape in
three counties.
Albert laughs, which makes the rattler shake its rattle.
ALBERT
(freezing up again)
Ah, shit! Sorry! Sorry!
ANGLE ON a shadowy figure watching from nearby. The figure
steps momentarily out of the shadows, revealing that its
Lewis. He has been observing everything...
EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP - NIGHT TURNS TO DAY
EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP HOTEL
INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING
Anna finishes dressing for the day. She adjusts her clothes
in the full-length mirror, and turns to leave the room,
patting Plugger on the head as she goes. She opens the
door... and finds herself face-to-face with Clinch.
CLINCH
Hi, sweetheart.
95.
EXT. MAIN STREET - MORNING
Albert stands in the street, waiting. The townsfolk
(including Edward, Ruth, and Louise) line the street on
either side, just as they did the last time. Albert looks
around for Anna, but doesnt see her. He mouths Wheres
Anna? To Edward. Edward shrugs. After a beat, Foy
approaches, looking sick and sweaty, and takes his position
opposite Albert.
FOY
Well now. I didnt think youd
show, sheepie.
ALBERT
Um... yeah. Listen Foy, you--
Foy suddenly gestures for Albert to hold on. Foy clutches
his stomach, and runs over to the side of the street. He
hunches forward in pain for a beat, then grabs a hat off a
mans head. He pulls down his pants, and shits into the hat.
He gets back up, and steadies himself for a beat. He
realizes theres more diarrhea on the way. He weakly reaches
for another mans hat. The second man gently backs away.
Foy reaches weakly for an awkward, extended beat. Finally,
with a last burst of energy, he grabs the mans hat and shits
in it. He pulls up his pants, and resumes his position
opposite Albert.
ALBERT (CONTD)
All... all done?
FOY
Im ready.
Albert nods, puts both hands on his belt... and unclasps it,
letting his guns fall to the ground. Foy stares, utterly
confused.
ALBERT
Foy... shes all yours.
The crowd murmurs, confused.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Louise, youre so beautiful, and I
really do care about you, but...
somewhere along the line, I forgot
that a relationship is a two-way
street. And Ive been reminded
recently of what its like to have
someone care about me. And I like
it.
96.
(MORE)
So, if you wanna spend the rest of
your life with a pussy full of
hair, I say go with God and best of
luck to you.
Albert leaves his guns on the ground, and walks away. After
a beat, he walks back out into the street.
ALBERT (CONTD)
I just realized, that joke may not
have been clear. I didnt mean
that she has a hairy pussy, I meant
that Foy has a moustache, so... she
gets hair in her... when he... goes
down there.
Albert stands there for a beat, makes a double pistol
gesture, then jogs away awkwardly.
RANDOM COWBOY
I got it.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
We hear Albert knocking on the door.
ALBERT (O.S.)
Anna!
He opens the door... but shes not there. He looks around.
No sign of her. He hurries back out.
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
The crowd has broken up. Albert spots Edward and Ruth, and
runs over to them.
ALBERT
Hey guys! Have you seen Anna?
EDWARD
No.
RUTH
No, not since last night at the
barn dance.
ALBERT
Huh.
RUTH
Albert... its her, isnt it?
97.
ALBERT (CONTD)
ALBERT
(smiling meaningfully)
Yeah. Its her.
RUTH
You love her.
ALBERT
Yeah. And whats even better is, I
think she might love me back.
EDWARD
Oh, that is so great. I think
shes so neat.
ALBERT
So nobodys seen her, huh?
RUTH
You should ask the sheriff.
INT. SHERIFFS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Albert enters, and looks around. No sign of the sheriff. He
looks over at the cell, and sees the body sleeping there.
Thinking its Lewis, he walks out.
INT. SALOON - MOMENTS LATER
Albert enters. Edward and Ruth are seated at a table.
Albert approaches them.
COWBOY AT TABLE
Coward.
ALBERT
Thank you. (to Edward and Ruth)
The sheriffs not there.
EDWARD
Albert, Im sure shes fine.
ALBERT
She said she be there this morning.
She wouldnt just not show up.
EDWARD
Do you think you guys will have
sex?
ALBERT
I... I dunno, maybe at some point.
98.
EDWARD
Well, when you do, maybe lets make
it like an all-us-friends thing.
Like, we all get like, in sync.
Sexually.
RUTH
Eddie, were not having sex.
EDWARD
Sorry, I know, Im such a scumbag.
The sound of approaching hooves is heard outside. They all
turn and look. Two or three locals hurry into the saloon,
terrified. Everyone stares as a dark figure steps through
the saloon doors. Its Clinch. Everyone freezes in terror.
EDWARD (CONTD)
(nervous, under breath)
Clinch Leatherwood...
Clinch scans the room for a beat.
ALBERT
Great. Another thing that can kill
us. I-- we should all just wear
coffins as clothes.
Clinch takes a few steps into the room. His gang follows him
in.
CLINCH
Someone in this town is gonna die.
(beat) My boy Lewis here broke
outta your little tin box jail last
night... and he saw a man kissing
my wife. I want to know who it
was.
EDWARD
Jesus...
ALBERT
Yeah, someones gonna get fuuuucked
uuuuup...
A beat of silence.
CLINCH
You seem like good people. And
good people know better than to
take what isnt theirs. And
this...
99.
Lewis steps inside, roughly pulling Anna in by the elbow.
CLINCH (CONTD)
...this is mine.
Albert stares in shock. Anna looks around silently with
nervous resignation. She briefly makes eye contact with
Albert, but then avoids his gaze. Edward and Ruth look at
Albert, stunned.
ALBERT
Oh my god...
CLINCH
Now Im gonna ask again. Whos
been with my wife?
No one answers. Clinch points his gun at the nearest saloon
customer.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Who?
CUSTOMER
(frozen, panicked)
I... I dunno.
Clinch shoots the man in the knee. Everyone looks stunned.
CLINCH
You make sure he gets this message:
either he meets me in the
thoroughfare at noon tomorrow... or
I start killing people.
Clinch and his gang exit, taking Anna with them. She gives
Albert one last glance as shes taken out.
EXT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Clinch and his gang gallop away.
INT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS
RUTH
Jesus, Albert, you gotta get outta
here! If he finds out--
ALBERT
I know, I know! Listen, Ill...
Ill contact you guys, okay?
100.
EDWARD
Good luck, Al.
ALBERT
Thanks.

He gives Edward a handshake, then bolts to his feet and races
toward the door.
RUTH
Hell be okay, right?
EDWARD
I think so, hes a smart guy.
(then) Is this like the longest
week ever or what?
EXT. PRAIRIE - MOMENTS LATER
Albert races across the prairie on his horse.
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PRAIRIE - DAY
Clinch rides up with his gang. Plugger tags along. Clinch
gets off his horse, and pulls Anna off with him.
CLINCH
(to Lewis)
Theres an abandoned sod house back
around that bend. Well stash the
gold there. Take the boys and set
up camp. I need some alone time
with my wife.
LEWIS
Will do, Clinch. Cmon, boys!
Lewis throws Anna a nasty smile as he and the boys gallop
away. Clinch approaches Anna, and backhands her across the
face. Plugger barks angrily.
CLINCH
Who is it, you whore?
ANNA
Mark Twain.
CLINCH
(beat, genuine)
It is?
101.
ANNA
No. Jesus, how fucking stupid are
you?
Clinchs expression darkens, and he points his pistol at her
head.
CLINCH
Who.
ANNA
Youd hate him. You guys have
nothing in common. Hes a man.
Plugger runs up and starts licking Annas hand. Clinch looks
down, pauses, and aims the gun at Pluggers smiling,
oblivious head. Anna suddenly looks much less self-assured.
Clinch sees this and smiles darkly.
CLINCH
Either you give me his name, or ol
Plugger here gets a plug in his
head.
Anna is silent, but clearly torn. Clinch cocks the pistol.
ANNA
Albert. Albert Stark.
Clinch smiles and lowers the gun.
CLINCH
Thats much better.
Clinch turns around and walks toward his horse.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Ive missed you, darling.
He removes his gun belt and puts it on his horse. Over the
following, he begins to take off his clothes.
CLINCH (CONTD)
Ive missed you a lot. But now we
got time. We got time to be
husband and wife. The proper way.
By now, he has removed his vest, hat, and is in the midst of
pulling his pants down. Anna grabs a rock, and bashes him on
the back of the head. Clinch falls on his stomach,
unconscious, with his bare ass exposed. Anna starts to get
up on Clinchs horse to make her escape, but pauses.
102.
ANNA
(to Plugger)
(sighs) I cant just leave him like
this.
She considers for a beat, then walks over and picks a nearby
flower. She sticks it in his ass crack with the bloom facing
up. She gets on his horse and gallops away.
EXT. EDWARDS SHOE REPAIR - DAY
Edward is nailing a sign to his door that reads CLOSED UNTIL
FURTHER NOTICE. Other local businessmen are doing the same.
Ruth approaches.
RUTH
Eddie?
EDWARD
Oh hi sweetheart.
RUTH
Eddie, Ive been thinking. With
Clinch Leatherwood in town, and
with everyone so scared, I... its
got me wondering.
EDWARD
What is it?
RUTH
I... well, any of us could die
tomorrow. I mean, we dont know
whats gonna happen. And... I
think we should have sex.
EDWARD
What?
RUTH
I think we should have sex tonight.
EDWARD
(beat)
Okay.
RUTH
Yeah?
EDWARD
Yeah. Lets.
103.
RUTH
Godll forgive us.
EDWARD
I think so. Well make sure
theres a Bible in the room so its
like God can watch, and--ahhh Im
getting excited now!
INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - SAME
Albert is hastily packing a bag. We hear hooves approaching.
He looks up, and runs to the window. He looks out, revealing
Anna approaching. Albert grimaces and goes back to his
packing. After a moment, theres a knock on the door.
ANNA (O.S.)
Albert!
He doesnt answer. Anna lets herself in.
ANNA (CONTD)
Albert! You gotta get outta here!
ALBERT
Yeah, thats exactly what Im
doing.
ANNA
No I mean, you have to leave now!
Clinch is gonna find you!
ALBERT
Yeah, Im leaving. Im going to
San Francisco. Which is what I
shoulda done weeks ago.
ANNA
Im sorry.
ALBERT
Yeah well, so am I.
ANNA
What about your dad?
ALBERT
I asked him if he wanted to come,
and he said no. Hes out back
burying himself next to mom.
104.
ANNA
Look... I never meant to--
ALBERT
Oh, dont even waste my time with
that. You had a million
opportunities to tell me. And you
just fucking lied.
ANNA
I didnt lie.
ALBERT
Okay, fine. You know what? I
dont care.
ANNA
I couldnt tell you. It was for
your own safety.
ALBERT
Oh, bullshit.
ANNA
That, and... I liked you. A lot.
I didnt want to scare you away. I
just... never thought Id meet
someone like you.
ALBERT
What, a non-murderer? There are a
whole shitload of us, Anna!
ANNA
Its not my fault! I didnt know,
okay?! We were married when I was
nine!
ALBERT
What?! Nine?! Jesus Christ, how
does that even happen?! Was there
a ceremony?!
ANNA
Yeah, my parents were there, a
couple of neighbors. I just didnt
wanna wind up like one of those
fifteen year-old spinsters.
ALBERT
Well yknow, I shouldnt be
surprised. Every girl I fall in
love with ends up disappointing me.
105.
ANNA
(beat)
You love me?
ALBERT
Oh dont worry, not anymore.
Youre safe.
ANNA
All right! Yes, I lied! Fine!
What should I have said? Oh hi,
Im Anna. Ive been fucking a
killer since I was ten.
ALBERT
Oh he waited a year. What a
gentleman.
ANNA
Well late nine, I rounded up.
Look, Im done with him. I knocked
him out and stuck a daisy in his
asshole.
ALBERT
What?
ANNA
Thats how much you mean to me.
ALBERT
You know what? I loved a girl who
doesnt even exist. Is your name
even Anna? Or is it something
terrible like Gwendolyn?
ANNA
No, Its Anna. Im the girl you
loved. That was the real me.
Possibly for the first time in my
life. I guess maybe youre the
first person I havent lied to.
Look, I never thought I could fall
for the good guy. I did. I love
you.
ALBERT
Sorry. Im not gonna get fucked
over again.
The sheep begin bleating outside. Albert runs to the window.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Someones coming.
106.
ANNA
Its Clinch.
ALBERT
Go on, get outta here. Theres a
trail out back that leads out to
the ridge. Go.
ANNA
What are you gonna do?!
ALBERT
Dont worry about me, just go.
ANNA
Hell kill you!
ALBERT
Go, Ill be okay! Go!
Anna hurries back to the door, and starts to exit. She
pauses to look at Albert one last time, then runs out.
EXT. ALBERTS FARM
Anna jumps on her horse and rides away up the back trail.
Albert looks out the window nervously at Clinchs approaching
gang, and then ducks out of sight. ANGLE ON Clinch and his
gang as they gallop up to Alberts farm. They dismount, and
approach the house.
INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Clinch kicks the door open. He and his men enter, and begin
violently searching the house. After a beat, Ben comes out
of the back.
BEN
Hes not here, Clinch.
Clinch notices the half-packed bag on the table.
EXT. ALBERTS FARM
Clinch emerges and looks around darkly.
CLINCH
Stark!
No answer. Clinch slowly draws his gun and continues to scan
the area.
107.
CLINCH (CONTD)
I know youre here, Stark.
No response. ANGLE ON the sheep. They graze lazily.
Suddenly, and for the briefest instant, we see the top of
Alberts head pop up from the center of the flock, then duck
back down again. Clinch and his men continue to search.
Lewis stares at the sheep for a beat, then looks elsewhere.
ANGLE ON Albert hunched over inside the flock. From his POV,
we see Curtis (his horse) standing nearby. He grabs the wool
of the two sheep on either side on him, and starts pulling
them toward Curtis. WIDER ANGLE - We see a small satellite
flock of sheep (10 or so) break off from the larger flock and
slowly move toward Curtis. ANGLE ON Albert inside the
smaller group of sheep.
ALBERT
(whispering)
Come on! Come on guys!
The flock gets closer to Curtis. Lewis observes the smaller
flock and suspiciously moves toward it. Albert hears the
footsteps and drops to his stomach. From Lewis point of
view, Albert cannot be seen. Lewis stares for a beat.
Inside the flock, Albert remains frozen. He glances up at
the underside of one of the sheep, and sees its sheep penis
twitching a bit.
ALBERT (CONTD)
(softly)
Oh no. Oh please no...
The sheep begins to urinate on Alberts face. Albert just
lies there and takes it with an agonized look on his face.
Eventually, Lewis moves away. Albert pokes his head out, and
sees his chance. He makes a break for it, and jumps on
Curtis back. Curtis gallops away.
LEWIS
(spotting Albert)
Clinch!
Clinch and the gang all turn and see him galloping away.
They sprint for their horses, and gallop off in pursuit.
ALBERT
(to Curtis)
I never make you go fast, buddy.
Give it to me today.
We follow the chase as Clinch and his gang pursue Albert
across the prairie at top speed. Theyre gaining a bit. By
now the sun is setting, creating a spectacular backdrop.
108.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Curtis, you outrun these guys, and
Im gonna take you to a horse
whorehouse. Youll get so much
horse pussy.
The chase continues until Albert reaches the railroad. A
train is approaching, and Albert crosses the tracks at the
perfect moment. When Clinch and his gang catch up, theyre
forced to wait for the train to pass. This gives Albert the
lead he needs to escape. Clinch and his gang angrily give up
the chase.
EXT. PRAIRIE - NIGHT
Albert comes to a stop in the moonlight. He gets off Curtis.
ALBERT
I cant believe it. We did it. We
actually got away. Curtis, that
was exceptional. As soon as were
outta this, Im gonna find you some
horse whores, youre gonna get so
laid.
Curtis snorts.
ALBERT (CONTD)
I could even get you a cow if you
want. If you wanted to fuck a cow,
if thats your thing. You seem
like a sexually adventurous guy.
WIDER ANGLE ON Albert and Curtis: We see them from someones
POV. Its clear they are being watched. A shadowy figure
runs through frame for just an instant.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Now. How the fuck do you make a
fire?
We hear a whoosh as if something is whizzing through the
air, and Albert is knocked unconscious by a hatchet-like
club. After a beat, a group of Apache Indians emerge from
the darkness, and approach his unconscious body.
EXT. ESTAB - EDWARDS SHOE REPAIR - NIGHT
We pan up above the shoe repair shop to Edwards living area
above.
109.
INT. EDWARDS LIVING SPACE - SAME
Edward sits on his bed in his underwear. as Ruth stands in
front of him.
EDWARD
Okay. Here we go.
RUTH
Are you excited?
EDWARD
I am. Im really pumped.
RUTH
Me too.
EDWARD
This is gonna be my first vagina.
RUTH
Youve never seen one?
EDWARD
Yeah, I feel like I should have a
piece of cake or something.
RUTH
Yeah?
EDWARD
--to celebrate.
RUTH
Yeah, Im actually a little
nervous.
EDWARD
And youre a prostitute.
RUTH
I know! Okay, ready?
EDWARD
Yup!
Ruth drops her underwear. ANGLE ON Edward, whose smile
disappears. Theres a beat of silence.
RUTH
What?
EDWARD
Um...
110.
RUTH
Whats wrong?
EDWARD
Its... that, right there, right?
RUTH
Yeah.
EDWARD
Huh.
RUTH
This, right here.
EDWARD
Its... I... wow, I dont... I
dont get it.
RUTH
You dont like it?
EDWARD
No, I-- its just-- weird. Its a
weird thing. Its like... someone
wrapped a firecracker in roast
beef.
RUTH
Well yeah, but theres a lot more
to it.
She opens it up.
EDWARD
Oh!! Oh dear!! Oh my Jesus Mary
and Joseph.
RUTH
No, Eddie, its supposed to be like
this.
EDWARD
It is?
RUTH
Yeah-- well maybe not exactly like
this, but listen, itll feel good.
For both of us.
EDWARD
Golly, Im sorta glad I didnt have
that piece of cake.
111.
Over the following, Ruth gets into bed with him and shuts off
the light.
RUTH
Eddie, trust me, its okay.
EDWARD
Oh, boy. Okay, easy now, Im--
OKAY. Oh. Okay. Okay, I see.
Yeah, now I get it. Cause of the
warm and the soft and-- yeah. Yes,
okay, yeah God would want this.
Suddenly, theres a hard pounding on the door.
RUTH
What the hell?
Ruth scrambles off Edward, and hurries to the door. She
opens it, revealing Anna.
RUTH (CONTD)
Anna?
ANNA
(urgently)
Ruth, can I come in?
RUTH
Um... yeah sure.
Edward sits up awkwardly.
EDWARD
Um, hi.
ANNA
Oh, hi Edward.
EDWARD
Dont come over here, I dont want
you to see my penis.
Anna runs to the window and looks out. Clinch rides up the
street. Clinch looks around, searching. He glances up at
the open window briefly. Anna shuts it quickly.
ANNA
Clinch is out there!
112.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
We see a hand smash the window of the shoe repair shop. From
inside, we see a silhouette reach in and open the door.
INT. EDWARDS LIVING SPACE - MOMENTS LATER
We hear footsteps getting nearer.
RUTH
Hes coming up the stairs!
INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS
We see a pair of boots walking up the stairs and approaching
the door.
INT. EDWARDS LIVING SPACE
The door is kicked open, and a man stands backlit in the
doorway.
EXT. EDWARDS SHOE REPAIR - CONTINUOUS
We see Anna hanging from the window outside. She drops to
the ground below. After landing, she turns to run... and
finds herself face-to-face with Clinch.
INT. EDWARDS LIVING SPACE - CONTINUOUS
The silhouetted figure steps into the room, revealing that it
is in fact Lewis. He reacts to something O.S.
ANGLE ON Edward and Ruth, having sex.
EDWARD
(to Lewis)
Please dont shoot us on sex night.
Lewis exits.
EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - LATER THAT NIGHT
ANGLE close on Alberts face. He groggily opens his eyes.
We pull back to reveal he is tied to a post, surrounded by
stacked firewood and kindling. An entire tribe of Apache
Indians is staring at him.
113.
Two Apache warriors approach him, holding torches. And
facing Albert is the infamous Apache Indian chief COCHISE.
COCHISE
Caheca nici sica oyate, la mni kte
itkon ntawa.
SUBTITLE: Because your people are such huge assholes, I am
going to light you on fire.
The two warriors with torches move toward the pyre, and start
to light it.
ALBERT
Ayustankiya!
SUBTITLE: Stop!
The tribe gasps, shocked that Albert can speak their
language. The chief tells the torch holders to back away.
Cochise approaches Albert.
COCHISE
Tokelkeltu, econpicaka niye
sicite, picasni iya Lakota?
SUBTITLE: How is it that you, an asshole, have the power to
speak our language?
ALBERT
Miye okibliheca, sicite
tanatayela. Uman wasicun
iwahtelasni mis. Nahan miye
wasicun, miye ece. Caheca
eciyatanhan lehantanhan, miye yawa
woowapi, iapi woicaje tokaiapi,
nanglawakel icata ayuco.
SUBTITLE: I am a nerd asshole. Since the other white
assholes do not like me, even though I am one of their own, I
have always kept to myself. Therefore, I have read many
books, know many languages and am good at math.
Another Apache speaks up from the crowd.
OTHER APACHE
Koyela, tokelkeltu 27 (wikcemna
nunpa ake sakowin) hecakici-on i
ciyuota 89 (wikcemna salogan ake
napciyunka)?
SUBTITLE: Quick, what is 27 times 89?
114.
ALBERT
Opawinge wikcemna kin nunpa sam
opawinge topa sam yamni.
SUBTITLE: 2,403.
The other Apache nods his head toward Cochise, satisfied.
COCHISE
Lila wa?te kun?itku kin gnaka
SUBTITLE: Why are you out here?
ALBERT
Na?un kin un wole yunkan wasna wan
SUBTITLE: Please untie me, and I will tell you.
COCHISE
Mahel yuha kin hok?ila kin
hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le
SUBTITLE: Well, he speaks our language, which means theres
no reason not to trust him.
EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - LATER THAT NIGHT
Albert sits around a campfire with the Apache tribe. He is
finishing telling his story.
ALBERT
He?e? hok?ila wan kun?itku
ki?ila??i ti ?ke. Yunkan anpetu
wan el kun?itku kin.
SUBTITLE: And after I escaped in my sheep, I got on my horse
and rode like the wind, and the next thing I remember was
waking up in your camp. And now I have no idea what to do.
COCHISE
Wan taku ya?o?a-han ?a na?un keye.
SUBTITLE: I will show you the way.
Cochise nods ceremoniously to another Apache. A cactus bowl
full of liquid is passed around until it gets to the Cochise.
Cochise takes a sip, then passes it to Albert. Albert looks
very nervous.
ALBERT
?eya? he winu??ala kin woyute
SUBTITLE: What is it?
115.
COCHISE
Wan kun?itku
SUBTITLE: Your path.
ALBERT
Yunkan anpetu
SUBTITLE: Ill freak out, I know it.
COCHISE
Hitunkala wan taku ya?
SUBTITLE: You wont freak out, I swear.
ALBERT
O?a-han ?a na?un keye. ?eya? he
winu??ala kin woyute
SUBTITLE: You dont know me. Im serious, Im very
sensitive to drugs.
COCHISE
Hok?ila wan
SUBTITLE: Nerd.
OTHER APACHES
Hok?ila wan/hok?ila wan/hok?ila wan
SUBTITLE: Nerd!/Dork!/Tool!
ALBERT
He?he?
SUBTITLE: Fine.
Albert drinks the whole bowl in one slug. The Apaches freak
out.
APACHES
Kun?itku ki?ila??i ti ?ke. Yunkan
anpetu
SUBTITLE: He drank the whole bowl!
ALBERT
Wan el kun?itku kin
SUBTITLE: What?
COCHISE
Kun?itku ki?ila??i ti ?ke
116.
SUBTITLE: You drank the whole bowl!
ALBERT
Ti ?ke hu?kila solye mahe yu
SUBTITLE: Oh shit. Oh shit, is that bad?
COCHISE
Hok?ila kin hehanhunniyan slolye,
tka wana le
SUBTITLE: That was for the entire tribe.
COCHISE (CONTD)
hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le
SUBTITLE: Youre totally gonna freak out and probably die.
Good luck.
On Alberts totally freaked-out expression, the camera begins
to swirl and sway, and then Alberts trip begins:
EXT. BLACK SPACE - X
PULL OUT from Alberts face to reveal that he is poking out
of a giant walnut hovering in black, empty space. He looks
terrified as we continue to widen, revealing that the walnut
is one of several planets in one of those metal mechanical
Kepler models of the solar system (Mysterium cosmographicum).
There is a small poof of an explosion, which gives birth to
an expanding and beautifully-colored dust and gas cloud like
the photos you see from the Hubble telescope. Then there is
another, and another... until Albert is totally surrounded by
these beautiful dust clouds. He stares in awe. A dark
shadow passes overhead. ANGLE ON a massive, approaching
black hole sucking up everything in its path. Albert tries
to escape, but hes sucked in too. He is propelled violently
through a wormhole-esque tunnel, which eventually spits him
out into...
EXT. SANDY DESERT - DAY
Albert lands in the middle of a desolate, dune-filled desert
landscape. He staggers to his feet, and looks around. He is
all alone. Then suddenly, from the sky he hears a shriek. A
giant black eagle descends from the sky, making straight for
him. It has fangs and glowing green eyes, and wears a
brilliantly polished silver chest plate.. Albert screams and
runs as fast as he can. He runs over the edge of a steep
embankment, tumbling down toward a frozen pond.
117.
He crashes through the ice, into the icy water. When he
resurfaces and climbs out of the water, he finds himself
in...
EXT. ARCTIC LANDSCAPE - DAY
Albert stands in the midst of a snow-covered Arctic
wilderness that is inexplicably peppered with palm trees that
have bright, multicolored fronds. In a small clearing stands
a wooden cabin. Albert walks inside...
INT. CABIN - SAME
There is nothing inside but an armchair. Albert cautiously
sits down. The room shimmers, and suddenly it becomes a
comfortable frontier home with a roaring fire. Anna sits in
an opposite armchair, stitching a pillow. She smiles at
Albert. There is a cup of coffee next to Albert on a little
table. He picks it up to take a sip, but pauses as he looks
into the cup. The coffee begins to swirl, and the camera
zooms into it. ANGLE ON Alberts face as he finds himself
lying on an unfamiliar surface. We WIDEN as he scrambles to
his feet, revealing that he is in a hot air balloon...
EXT. A CANOPY OF TREES - X
The hot-air balloon drifts among lush green foliage. Albert
looks down, and the tree trunks descend below as far as the
eye can see. The balloon now has a wide-eyed face on it,
with a big moustache.
BALLOON
(singing, echoey,
dreamlike)
BALLOON MOUSTACHE, BALLOON
MOUSTACHE...
Suddenly, the giant black eagle swoops in from overhead and
makes a dive at Albert. It tears his balloon with its
talons. The balloon plummets a long way, and gets snagged on
a branch. Albert looks down to see that the forest floor is
made entirely of blazing fire. The flames race up the trunks
of the trees, and envelop the balloon and the screen...
INT. MASSIVE UNDERGROUND CAVERN - X
Albert frantically tries to brush the flames off of him, then
realizes theyre gone, and hes standing in a vast cave. He
looks around, hearing creepy sounds from the darkness.
118.
He tries to move, but looks down to see that his feet are
encased in the stone floor. A mountain lion emerges from the
darkness, and slowly stalks toward him in a predatory
fashion. Suddenly, a giant anchor crashes through the
ceiling of the cave and hits the floor, shattering the rock
and freeing Albert. He scrambles up the chain just as the
mountain lion reaches him, jumping ferociously. Albert
climbs toward an opening in the caves ceiling, emerging
in...
EXT. A MASSIVELY EXPANSIVE LAWN - DAY
He looks around, seeing no one. Suddenly, hes hit in the
head with a badminton shuttlecock. He looks over to see Anna
waving to him. Shes dressed in Victorian badminton garb,
and stands on one side of a net. She tosses him a racquet.
He approaches the net, when suddenly the black eagle swoops
in out of nowhere, and knocks him to the ground. The eagle
swings around for another pass. Albert sees it coming, and
looks down at his hip. Theres a six-shooter holstered
there. He pulls it out, and aims it straight at the eagle.
He fires and hits, but the eagle keeps coming. Just as it
reaches him, Albert winds up and kicks the eagle in the balls
as hard as he can. The eagle tumbles trough the air, and
lands with a hard thud.
EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - NIGHT
The thud causes Albert to snap out of it with a start.
Cochise and the rest of the tribe are staring at him.
COCHISE
He?e? hok?ila wan kun?itku
SUBTITLE: Did you shoot the black eagle and kick it in the
balls?
ALBERT
Ki?ila??i ti ?ke. Yunkan anpetu
SUBTITLE: Yes. How do you know that?
COCHISE
Wan el kun?itku kin.
SUBTITLE: It means you are ready.
EXT. APACHE CAMPGROUND - MORNING
Albert stands with the Apaches as he bids them farewell.
119.
ALBERT
Opawinge wikcemna kin nunpa sam
opawinge topa sam yamni.
SUBTITLE: Thank you for everything, chief Cochise. I dont
know what I wouldve done without you.
COCHISE
hehanhunniyan slolye, tka wana le.
SUBTITLE: There is an ancient proverb among my people:
Sometimes the only way for a man to discover his true path is
to take drugs in a group.
ALBERT
O?a-han ?a na?un keye. ?eya? he
winu??ala kin woyute
SUBTITLE: Thank you for letting me take drugs with you. I
know what I have to do now.
Albert mounts up, waves goodbye, and rides away back toward
Old Stump.
EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - NOON
Clinch drags Anna out into the middle of main street, with a
gun to her throat. Townsfolk look on, horrified. He stops
in the middle of the street.
CLINCH
All right, sweetheart. Now were
gonna find out whether your little
boyfriend gives a fuck about you.
Hes got... (checks pocketwatch)
six minutes til noon. If he
doesnt show, hes gonna be picking
up pieces of you all over the
street. (beat) STARK!!
Nothing. There is a long, tense moment as the townsfolk
watch in agonized silence. A stray sheep bleats amongst
them. Then, after an extended beat, we hear distant hooves
approaching. They grow louder, until at last Albert rides
into frame up the street. He comes to a stop. On Annas
face we see a mixture of happiness and fear.
ALBERT
Let her go, Clinch.
120.
CLINCH
(to Anna)
Well now. True love conquers all,
doesnt it, sweetheart.
ALBERT
(dismounting)
Let her go, and lets you and I
settle this like rational adults.
Clinch laughs, and shoves Anna over to Lewis, who holds her.
ANNA
Albert, get the hell outta here!
Dont be stupid!
CLINCH
Too late for that. Hes already
been real stupid, havent you,
Stark? Youve been with my wife.
ALBERT
Well, I mean, we havent done it,
if that makes a difference.
Clinch puts one hand on his gun.
ALBERT (CONTD)
But, what I was thinking is that we
could sorta talk this out, cause I
mean, relationships are constantly
evolving, and people break up with
people, and I mean just the fact
that were having this conversation
means that there were probably
problems in your marriage long
before I came along, I mean I dont
know if youve ever seen a
therapist--
Clinch cocks and aims his gun at Alberts head.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay, okay! Heres-- this is my
idea. Youre a pretty tough guy,
right? Well, why dont you prove
it? You and me. Gunfight. Right
here, right now.
CLINCH
(laughs)
You really do have a death wish,
dont you?
121.
ALBERT
But, lets make it interesting.
One bullet apiece. One for you,
one for me.
CLINCH
What?
ALBERT
Yeah. Empty all your bullets but
one. Unless you think you need
more than one to kill me.
Clinch glares momentarily, then slowly empties his gun of all
its bullets but one. Albert does the same.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Okay. On the count of three, we
shoot.
Clinch nods.
ALBERT (CONTD)
One... two...
Albert fires at Clinch. Clinch looks down to see that Albert
has hit him in the arm.
CLINCH
(laughs)
I been playing cards a long time,
and Ive never seen such a bad
gamble, Stark. Whered you learn
to shoot?
ALBERT
Your wife.
The townsfolk ooh as if to say he got you. Clinchs
expression darkens, and he raises his gun.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Look, just... before you shoot me,
grant me a few last words. Please?
Clinch keeps the gun trained on him, but does not fire yet.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Just promise me one thing. Let
Anna live. She didnt kiss me, I
kissed her. So its really my
fault. I mean, she didnt tell me
she was married, so its kinda her
fault too, I guess, so...
122.
(MORE)
yeah, actually thats true. So,
maybe just shoot her in the arm?
Thats seems fair, right?
Anna makes a what the fuck face.
ALBERT (CONTD)
Also, my grandparents were Arabic,
so if youll indulge my religious
beliefs: immediately before death,
Im required by Muslim tradition to
recite the Islamic death chant.
Thisll only take a moment. (Begins
warbling Arabic nonsense)
Over the previous Albert speech, Clinch has blinked a few
times more than usual, and broken out into a sweat. Now, he
looks visibly unsteady. CLINCHS POV: We see that Albert is
blurry.
CLINCH
What the... what the fuck...
ALBERT
Whatsa matter, Clinch? You not
feelin well?
Clinch tries to steady himself. He shoots once, but misses
Albert by a mile. He tries to shoot again, but the gun falls
out of his hand.
CLINCH
What the fuck is happening to me?!
He can no longer stay on his feet. He sits down.
ALBERT
You know, theres a million ways to
die in the West, Clinch. Disease,
famine, exposure, gunfights... and
wild animals. You know, like
snakes. And you dont even have to
get bitten, all you gotta do is get
the venom into your system and
youre screwed.
EXT. INDIAN CAMPGROUND - MORNING (FLASHBACK)
Over the following dialogue, we see one of the Apaches
catching a snake from the rear, and bringing it over to
Albert. Albert holds out an open bullet, and the Indian
manipulates the snakes head in such a fashion as to milk
venom from its fangs, and carefully drip it into the bullet.
123.
ALBERT (CONTD)
ALBERT (V.O.)
For example, a certain amount
copperhead venom drained into a
bullet, and you really only need
one shot. I knew my aim wasnt
good enough to hit you anywhere
important, but if I caught you by
surprise... well, Anna taught me
enough to get me in the ballpark.
And just a little bit of copperhead
venom in an open wound is enough to
kill a man if hes--
EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)
RUTH
Albert. Albert. Hes dead. You
did it.
ANGLE ON CLINCH, who is dead on the ground with foam coming
out of his mouth.
ALBERT
Oh.
RUTH
Yeah.
ALBERT
Did he hear all the smart stuff
that I did?
RUTH
No, I dont think so.
ALBERT
Oh. Okay. Its still good though.
Anna elbows Lewis hard in the gut, and frees herself. She
runs O.S. toward Albert. Various townsfolk train their guns
on Lewis, and on the rest of Clinchs gang. Anna runs to
Albert and throws her arms around him, kissing him.
ANNA
Not bad, sheepboy. Not bad at all.
ALBERT
Sorry I killed your husband.
ANNA
Oh, it wouldnt have worked anyway.
Hes Methodist and Im half Jewish.
124.
ALBERT
Yeah he-- are you? You are?
ANNA
No.
ALBERT
(relieved)
Oh. Haha! Thank God.
ANNA
Youre not really Arabic--
ALBERT
No! Oh my god, kill me! Hahaha!
Louise approaches.
LOUISE
Hey, Albert.
ALBERT
Oh hey, Louise.
LOUISE
Listen, um... if you wanna... talk
about things, Id like that. I
could come by your place later on
tonight.
ALBERT
(beat)
I cant, Louise. I really need to
work on myself. But thank you for
your interest.
Albert takes Annas hand and walks away, leaving a
disillusioned Louise behind. As they walk:
ANNA
You shot Clinch Leatherwood. The
deadliest gunman on the frontier.
Theres probably gonna be reward
money.
ALBERT
Huh. Didnt think about that.
ANNA
So, whatre you gonna do?
125.
CLOSE ANGLE ON Albert and Anna. They smile at each other,
and kiss. As they continue to kiss, we PULL BACK to reveal
they are standing in the center of a massive, massive sheep
herd. We continue to pull back, and see that the herd
stretches as far as the eye can see... and we FADE OUT.
126.

A Million Ways To Die in The West (Screenplay)

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