Ori1

OliviaOri
Mr.Worden
English1
10September2014
TheLastGame.

Everyoneknowsthefeelingwhenyourenervousanddontknowwhattodo.Itfeelsasifyou
areshakingandmovingallaroundbutatthesametimeyoucantmoveatall.Thisfeelinghappenstome
rarelybutwhenitdoesitsbad.Theworsttimewouldhavetobemylastbasketballgameandthisis
why.
Youknowthatfeelingwhenyouwalkintoagymandallthefansarecheeringforyou.
Wellthatsexactlyhowitwasfortheotherteamatleast.Wehadthefansofexactlytwopeoplebothof
whichweremyteammeatsparentswhoplayedontheirphonesthewholegame.Thiswasntany
normalgameeitherthiswasthebigchampionshipgame.MyteamandIhavebeenfreakingoutabout
thisgameforweeks.Wehadgoodreasontocomparetotheotherteamweweremiceandtheywere
hawks.Ifyouhaveeverwatchedanimalplanetyoushouldknowhowthatends.
WhenwewalkedintothegymIfeltallthepressureonmelikea1,000poundweight
justlandedonmyshoulders.Thegymwasstilldarkasthelightsslowlybegantowarmup.AsIlooked
atmyteammatesIcouldseethefearoneveryoneoftheirfaces.Butassoonasthefirstwhistleblew
everyoneknewitwasgametime.Astherefthrewtheballintotheairitwasalmosthappeninginslow
motionIcouldseeeverylineoftheball.Mymindwascompletelyfocusedonthegame.
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BeforeIknewitwasbackandforth.Pointafterpoint.Thesoundsqueakingoftheold
woodfloorsagainstourshoesfilledthegym.Bythetimeitwashalftimebothteamswereexhausted.
Thescorewas4340.Withthembarelywinningweneededawaytogetbackontop.Buttherewas
nowaywecouldbeatthem.Someoftheirgirlswerethesizeofskyscrapers.Theonlythingwecould
dowastryourbest.Eventhoughitwashalfwaythroughthegamewestillwerenervous.Youcouldsee
usstoppingandsecondguessingourinstinct.Thatisexactlyhowiwas.
Afterhalftimethegameseemedlikeitwasgoingonforeverwithnoteamgettingaheadofthe
other.Eachsecondfeltlikeitwasaminute.Everytimewerandownthecourtitseemedlikemiles.The
whiteandblacklinesstartedtomixtogether.ItgottothepointwhereiwassonervouseverytimeIgot
theballIwouldfreakoutandthrowtheballtotheclosestoneofmyteammates.
Whenthethirdquarterwasoverthescorewas5554.Wehadonemorechancetocatchup
withthemandwehadthetime.Whenwewalkedbackonthecourttherewasaburstofscreamsand
cheersfortheotherteam.Everytimemyteamwouldhavetheballtheywouldyelltotryandmakeus
messup.Theylookedlikeaseaofredandblacktryingtodragusdownundertheirwaves.
Secondsweretickingdowntheclockandthistimeinsteadofgoinglikeminutestheywentfaster
thanIcouldcountthem.Thescorewas6463wewerelosingbyone.Therewereonly30secondson
theclockandIwasallthewayontheothersideofthecourtatthatpointitlookedlikeiwasnever
goingtogetthere.WhentheballreleasedfrommyhandIwasshakingIwassonervous.Therewere
twosecondsleftontheclock.Itbouncedontherimprobablyahundredtimesbeforetheballslowly
wentintothebasket.Thefinalscore6563.Ourfansoftwoexplodedintodisbeliefnoonethoughtwe
couldwinbutwedid.
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IguessitdidntmatterhownervousIwas.Intheendnomatterhowbigthecourtortheteam.
Weallaretheretoplaythegame.Ifitwasthefirstgameorthelastgameyouarealwaysgoingtoget
nervous.Sometimesitsthenervousthatpushyoutodoyourbest.

DIRECTIONS:Copythecontentsofthischecklistandpasteittothebottomoftheessayyouare
critiquing.Onceyouhavepastedtheblankchecklistintotheessay,fillitout.Donotskipanysteps.

Makeacomment:highlightwhatyouwanttomakeacommenton,andholddowncntrl+alt+m

EDITORNAME:
Whichpromptisthis
essayanswering?
Boldorhighlightone:BORINGSENTENCE
UNCOMFORTABLEEXPERIENCE
Whatisthebestexample
ofshowinginthisessay?
Whereistheessaymost
alive?
Itfeelsasifyouareshakingandmovingallaroundbutatthesametime
youcantmoveatall.
Whereintheessaydoes
theauthortellmorethan
show?Wheredoesthe
essayfeelalittleflat?
Therereallywasnteveratimewhenitwasflat.
Doestheessayhavea
strongbeginning,middle,
andend?Ifnot,which
partisweakormissing?
Theyareallreallystrong.
HowistheMLA
formatting?Hastheauthor
12pointTimesNewRomanfont
DoubleSpaced
PageNumbers
CenteredTitle
YourName/MyName/ClassName/Dateintheupperleft
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skippedanysteps?
Boldanystepsthat
havebeenleftout.
Wasthestoryexcitingor
moving?Whyorwhynot?
Yesitwas.Itwasreallyshowing.

1. Igotinformationonhowtofixthetellingnotshowingandalsoi

English1:NarrativeEssayRubric

Areasof
Assessment
Excellent Good NeedsWork PoororMissing
Introduction/
Conclusion

10/10
Developsan
excellentlead
Developsan
excellent
conclusion
thatreflectson
whatis
experienced,
observed,or
resolved
overthecourseof
thenarrative
Developsagood
lead
Developsa
conclusionthat
reflectsonwhatis
experienced,
observed,or
resolvedoverthe
courseof
thenarrative
Developsaweak
lead
Developsa
conclusionthat
maycommentonor
summarizewhatwas
experienced

Nolead
Noconclusion

Content

20/20
Effectively
engagesthereader
bysettingouta
problem,situation,
or
observation
Effectively
establishesoneor
multiplepoint(s)of
view,and
introducesa
narratorand/or
characters
Effectively
createsasmooth
progressionof
experiencesor
eventssupported
bydetails.
Effectively
Engagesthereader
bysettingouta
problem,situation,or
observation
Establishesapoint
ofviewandincludes
anarratorand/or
characters.
Createsalogical
progressionof
experiencesorevents
mostlysupportedby
details.
Integratesdialogue

Writerattemptsto
setoutaproblem,
situation,or
observation
Presentsanunclear
pointofview,
narrator,or
characters.
Createsa
somewhatclear
progressionof
experiencesorevents
somewhatsupported
bydetails.
Integratesweak
dialogue

Writerdoesnot
engagethereaderby
settingoutaproblem,
situation,or
observation.
Doesnotincludea
clearpointofview,
narrator,or
characters.
Doesnotcreatea
smoothprogressionof
experiencesorevents
supportedbydetails.
Nodialogue

Ori5
integratesdialogue
WritingStyle

15/15
Showsa
commandofMLA
style
Excellentuseof
vividwordsand
sensorydetails
Usesappropriate
transitions
Showsan
understandingofMLA
style
Somevividwords
andsensorydetails
Usestransitions
Hassomeproblems
withMLAstyle
Fewvividwords
andsensorydetails
Usesfew
transitions
Hasmanyproblems
usingMLAstyle
Wordchoicelimited
Doesnot
successfullyuse
transitions
Grammar/
Editing

13/15
Nocapitalization
errors
Usescommas
correctly
Excellentuseof
semicolonsjoining
independentclauses
NoRunons
Nospelling
errors

1capitalizationerror
Afewcommas
errors
Gooduseof
semicolonsjoining
independent
clauses
1runon
Fewspellingerrors
2or3cap.errors
Somecommaerrors
Someproblems
usingsemicolonsto
joinindependent
clauses
2runons
Somespellingerrors
Manycap.errors
Many/severe
commaerrors
Missingsemicolons
tojoinindependent
clauses
3ormorerunons
Manyorsevere
spellingerrors

GRADE: 58/60