Caring For Grievers

Pastoral Care Training Workshop

Time: 3 hours
Overall Workshop Plan:
Opening reading & chalice lighting
Introductions
Activity: Helpful & Unhelpful comments
Discussion: introduction to grief & loss
Activity: Ranking types of loss
Discussion: what is grief, five stages of grief, normal reactions to grief
Goals when caring for grievers
Tools: accompaniment, use feeling words, good question to ask
Paired Practice
Tool: paraphrase modification
Paired Practice
Special issues related to grieving
Referrals & when to refer
Closing
Notes: If possible, plan to have brief breaks every hour, rather than after an hour and a half.
This material is heavy for folks, and having more frequent breaks and rest is beneficial for
participants and it gives time for additional processing & sharing of experiences and memories
during the breaks too

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Caring for Grievers Workshop

Opening Reading & Chalice Lighting:
We are not alone. We are this flame, ancient as the stars, new as the vulnerable spark.
We are not alone. We are this chalice, rimmed by the spiral dance of searching.
We are not alone. We are the light soaring, the shadow deepening, the dance between them.
We are not alone. We are the heirs of the tribes and their fires, the healers and their circles.
We are not alone.
We are here. We are here for ourselves. We are here for each other. And
We are not alone. (by Michael DeVernon Boblett)

Introductions Name, congregation, role

Activity: Helpful & Unhelpful Comments
Distribute comments. Have folks read comments one at a time, group decision on whether it is
helpful or not, and discuss why or why not.
HELPFUL
I cant imagine how you feel.
I cant imagine how painful this must have
been for you.
I cant imagine how you feel. I know that
when I lost my mother, I
What happened?
(crying during their story)
Im so sorry for your loss.
My favorite memory of your loved one is
(giving a hug, with permission)
(saying nothing just being there)
I wish I had the right words

UNHELPFUL
Youll be fine in time.
Time heals all wounds.
I know how you feel.

You shouldnt still be feeling that way.

Theyre in a better place.
Dont feel bad.
Her suffering is over now.
Dont be angry with God.
Youre young; you can still have other
children.
It was just a dog/cat/bird
What can I do to help?
Dont feel guilty.
At least she lived a long life.
She brought this on herself.
There is a reason for everything.
Arent you over him yet?
You can have another child still. OR Youll
find someone else.
It was his time to go.
Be strong.
Dont be sad.

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Introduction to Grief & Loss

What is most avoided topic in US?
Can anyone here tell me what the single most off-limits topic of conversation is in the United
States? Most would answer, Death. That is incorrect, we have absolutely no difficulty
whatsoever in this society talking about death.
NY Times website this past Wed death talked about in 5 diff articles on just the main pg
It is on the front page of the Tucson Bugle or whatever is the name of that paper. There are
three or four different articles about death, violent death. There was a whole section of
obituaries. We as a society have absolutely no difficulty talking about death. So lets try again,
what do you think is the single most off-limits topic of discussion in the United States of
America? Feelings? No, we have no problem talking about feelings. How many of you, as a
matter of fact, are a little tired of hearing people talk about feelings?
Ok, Ill give you the answer. The single most off-limits topic of discussion in the English speaking
Western World is grief or peoples reaction to loss. Is that not interesting?

Experiencing the Death of a loved one

How many of you have experienced the death of a loved one in the last five years?
And following the death, how many of you, within about 15 seconds, figured out that
you werent very well prepared to deal with the conflicting mass of emotions you were
experiencing?
So, you went to your friends, loved ones, or your neighbors to talk to them about the
conflicting feelings you were experiencing. Within about 20 seconds, how many of you
discovered that they were not very much help in helping you?

Misconceptions about Loss & Grief

We are all grievers. We all have loss of some sort that we have grieved or are currently
grieving. So Im expecting that were all experts with this next question:
What are some myths or misconceptions about grief?
Can replace the loss
Grieve alone
Grief just takes time; Grief takes a certain amount of time
You shouldnt feel guilty
Be strong for others
Looking put together Jackie Kennedy was known as a great example; never shed a tear
in public not a great example!! (brand new book about her: Jacqueline Bouvier
Kennedy Onassis: The Untold Story, by Barbara Leaming)

Poll: What are some different types of loss?

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Activity: Ranking Types of Loss

Types of loss in index cards, laid out at random on a couple of tables. Instruct the group to
surround the table and work together to rank the types of loss, indicating the end of the table
for the most serious and the other for the least serious.
Discussion:
What do you notice here? Whats missing still?
What is it that we were ranking?
Draw attention to copy of scale in booklet. One way of looking at rankings is the well-known
Social Readjustment Rating Scale (plus a few that I added for this exercise), developed by
Thomas Holmes and R. H. Rahe a classic tool its designed to measure possible stress, in
particular to alert counselors and crisis centers to risk of getting sick due to a cluster of stresses
Link to Holmes-Rahe Scale www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory (print page 2 only)
Discussion: no way really to rank loss, each relationship and each loss are unique
Loss is an incredibly stressful event remember how many losses were significant stressors.

Definitions of Grief:
All relationships are different & therefore grief is different & our experiences of grief are
different. Heres one of the best descriptions of grief that Ive heard: (from John W. James)
I was having breakfast one morning at this restaurant in Los Angeles. I am sitting there drinking
my coffee and reading a paper. Two suits walked in and sat down at the table next to me. One
suit was nice and crisp and the guy was altogether looking good. The other suit had not slept in
three, maybe four days. He had not been near a razor, and I was sitting downwind. He'd
probably had several Budweisers for breakfast. The guy was a wreck. His friend in the nice suit
was trying to help him. Three or four days earlier, his wife had died. The guy in the crisp suit
asked him seven or eight really stupid questions. Then he finally realized he didn't have a clue
what to do, so he opened his mouth and said "I don't know what to say to you. I want to help
you. What does it feel like?" The rumpled suit looked up and said, "Grief is like reaching out for
someone who has always been there, only to find when I need her one more time, shes no
longer there."
Another definition: Grief is the normal and natural reaction to significant emotional loss of any
kind.
Another definition: Grief is the conflicting group of human emotions caused by a change or an
end to a familiar pattern of behavior.

Grief is cumulative

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Backpack illustration: toss things into the backpack as they occur; each many not be
overwhelming by itself, but gradually the backpack gets heavier and heavier
Closet illustration: one for each relationship; like when we need to clean up in a hurry and we
push it all into the closet; after a while when we open the door stuff falls out, aside from what
were actually looking for

Debunking Five Stages of Grief:

Background: http://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2012/01/stages-grief-myth
Poll group for five stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
Background on Kuebler-Ross study originally stages of catastrophic news
Yale Bereavement Study (YBS): An Empirical Examination of the Stage Theory of Grief
Why stages not helpful way to think about grieving

Normal Reactions to Grief:

Brainstorm normal reactions to grief (since we are all grievers, we are all experts in the
experience of grieving)
Feeling overwhelmed & inability to concentrate
most widespread reaction
Fear
fear often the emotional response to loss
Isolation
isolation is frequently the behavioral reaction to fear
Numbness
different from shock as it does not suspend reality
reality of loss/death does overload ability to accommodate a
large amount of emotions
Eating habits and patterns off
Sleeping habits and patterns off
Roller coaster of emotions
Inappropriate behavior jokes, topic matter, etc.
STERBS
short term energy relieving behaviors

Goals When Caring for Grievers

1) Decrease isolation
2) Make it safe to talk about feelings
What are some ways to do this?
Decrease isolation

Accompaniment
Just showing up & shutting up
Heart with ears & no mouth
Normalize experiences of grief

Make it safe to talk about feelings

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Grief = an emotion

TOOL: using feelings words

Important to use feeling words with grievers; so many listeners/people avoid feeling
words and tell them that they shouldnt be sad
Must be done in a non-judgmental way
Acronym for FINE = Feelings Inside Not Expressed
What are some ways to use feeling words? (active listening skills)
o Repeating back feeling stated
o Reflecting a feeling observed
o Making a guess about a feeling (it sounds like)
Can have tissues handy & in the open/on the table; but dont hand them to the griever;
this demonstrates that a display of emotion is uncomfortable to you
Different but related use the word DEATH & DIED dont avoid them (too many do!)

In general, you have about 3-5 minutes to connect with a griever.

They are seeking an example that youre going to be like everyone else and that they grief will
make you uncomfortable.

TOOL: good question to ask

What happened?
o Goal is to show that youre accessible
o Qualify the question with information you know, especially if you already know
the griever
o Grief Recovery Institute survey:
selected from a list, #1 question grievers want to be asked is what happened
ranked on a list, of people without a major loss in the past 2 years say what
happened is the last thing they would ask someone who is grieving
Remember, grievers usually have difficulty concentrating
Questions are designed to open up their story & experiences, not to clarify information
for you

PAIRED PRACTICE: what happened & feelings words

Something stressful (but not too stressful) for you that you are comfortable sharing with your
practice partner; 2-3 minutes each
Speaker/Sharer instructions: pause every couple of sentences to give your partner a change to
practice the skill (using feeling words)
Full group debrief howd it go; what was helpful

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

TOOL: paraphrase modification

Grievers are used to other people telling them what to feel

If you do too, they may shut down, not trust you, etc.
Turn paraphrases into questions, so they dont throw you into this bad category of
people who tell them what to think or feel

Three parts:

STEM & PARAPHRASED STATEMENT & ENDING INFLECTION

Stem:

Am I hearing you say

Did I hear you say
Let me see if I heard you right

[paraphrased statement]
Ending inflection bounce it up so that it turns what you just said into a question
Demonstrate with examples:
http://www.montgomeryhospice.org/grief-and-loss/stories-about-grief-and-loss/what-i-didn't-know-about-grief

first three paragraphs get volunteer to read one paragraph at a time and then pause; model
paraphrased response based on that paragraph can decide in advance what youll paraphrase

PAIRED PRACTICE: paraphrase modification

Something that happened recently (can be something good or challenging) that you are
comfortable sharing with your practice partner; 2-3 minutes each then switch roles
Speaker/Sharer instructions: pause every couple of sentences to give your partner a change to
practice the skill (paraphrase modification)
Full group debrief howd it go; what was helpful
CAUTION: dont overuse this technique; use sparingly, as needed when confused or unclear, or
to further prompt story (but dont be afraid of silence either!)

Special Issues Related to Grieving

Clothing
Financial
o Immediate
o Next couple of tax seasons
o Sale of property
Transitional objects
Grief of caregivers guilt, loss of identity as caregiver

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014

Referrals & When to Refer

Types of referrals
o grief support groups
o grief recovery
o therapists & counselors
o depression, suicide risk
Sources for referrals

Closing: read one of the picture books about grief to the group

Picture books on Death & Dying

Gentle Willow, by Joyce C. Mills (2004)
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo F. Buscaglia (1982)
Annie & the Old One, by Miska Miles (1971)
Old Pig, by Margaret Wild (1995)
City Dog, Country Frog, by Mo Willems

Books that include reincarnation:

Pumpkin Jack, by Will Hubbell
Sophies Squash, by Pat Z. Miller

Picture books on Grief & Sadness

The Tenth Good Thing about Barney, by Judith Viorst
(1971)
Tear Soup, by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen (1999)
Tough Boris, by Mem Fox (1994)
The Cat That Lived a Million Times, by Sano Yoko (1977)
The Heart and the Bottle, by Oliver Jeffers (2010)
The Tear Thief, by Carol Ann Duffy and Nicoletta Ceccoli
(2007)
The Boy Who Didn't Want to Be Sad, by Rod Goldblatt
(2004)
Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope, by Donna O'Toole (1988)

Caring for Grievers, a Pastoral Care Workshop by Rev. Michelle Collins

Fall 2014