April Rice

COMM-2110-001-F14
Tamara Phillips
11/26/14

Overview
The purpose of this paper is to outline what I did for this semesters personal change project, as
well as my results. My goal was to reduce the amount of pseudoconflicts that arise and more
effectively handle the more complicated conflicts that I participate in. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228) In
order to do this, I used several strategies from the text including asking clarifying questions, and
using the problem solving method. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246, 249-30) One major constraint that I
encountered was that I often let my emotions get in the way of effectively managing the
conflict. (Beebe 7e, pp. 241) Through the semester, I made quite a bit of progress on reducing
pseudoconflict, however, not as much progress as I would have liked on the more complicated
conflicts. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228) I would like to continue to work on that.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

While reading the text and completing the assignments this semester, I realized that the biggest
area of communication that I personally needed to improve in was my conflict
management. My biggest problems were that I often made assumptions about the meaning of
the messages that others were sending and it would lead to misunderstandings that would
escalate into a pseudoconflict. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228) Another problem is that I found myself in
more complicated conflicts and not able to effectively handle and solve the conflict. (Beebe 7e,
pp. 228) I found that it was damaging my relationships with those that are closest to me like my
boyfriend and my sister. I would often get so mad at my sister that I would begin saying things
that I didnt mean and start name calling. In conflicts with my boyfriend, I would get
overwhelmed and just start to cry making it extremely difficult for any kind of communication
especially rational problem solving.
One example of where this problem got in the way was during a conflict with my
boyfriend, Cory. I told him about a thing that he does that, seemed simple to me but that
bothered me. He felt like I was attacking him when I simply wanted to address what I viewed
as a problem. He became defensive and started pointing out things that he didnt like about
me. It hurt my feelings and while I was really angry, I just started to cry. I could barely talk
clearly let alone use any problem solving methods. (Beebe 7e, pp. 247)

Another example is a conflict with my sister. She has a way of pushing my buttons so
that I get angrier with her than any other person that I interact with. On one occasion, I was
watching T.V. when she came down while I was using the bathroom and took over the T.V. I
came back and told her that I was watching but she got angry and would not put what I was
watching back on. She was under the understanding that no one was watching and because she
hadnt seen anyone and I had made it seem like I was just taking it away from her. This is a
pseudoconflict that I could have solved quickly just by clarifying my point and asking her to
clarify her point as well. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228, 246) She may have been willing to give me back the
T.V. had we understood each other. Instead it escalated to us screaming and arguing about
things that have nothing to do with who is going to be watching T.V.

Strategies
In order to reduce the unwanted behavior I decided to use several strategies from the
text. The first strategy was using I-statements. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246) By using statements that
only are about myself, I am owning my part of the conflict and keeping my points focused on
what I know for sure, which is only how I feel. When I focus on how I am feeling, its less
invasive and keeps the other person from feeling attacked and getting defensive. (Beebe 7e, pp.
246) This strategy was important in helping me reach my conflict solving goals because it would
be extremely difficult to work with someone who is not willing to cooperate. If I were to make
statements that make assumption about the other persons behavior it would not make them
feel very willing to solve the problem, as they would likely be focused on defending themselves
from the perceived attacks caused by my statements.
The next strategy was to stay focused on the current conflict. I often would gunny sack
and bring up past arguments even if they were conflicts that I considered resolved before the
current conflict arouse. (Beebe 7e, pp. 243) Gunny sacking doesnt allow you to solve the
current problem, as many other problems are brought up and have to be solved again before
the current problem can be solved. This is a problem that I frequently found myself facing
because I would bring up past arguments to prove a point. Additionally, I would often bring up
new problems that had never been discussed and that the other person didnt even know was a
problem. By doing this, I was making the problem even bigger than it needed to be and even
more difficult to solve by complicating the problem.
The third strategy I decided to use was to check my understanding. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246)
Since pseudoconflicts are conflicts that arise out of miscommunications and misunderstanding,
I thought that the best way to try to avoid those conflicts was to be as clear as possible. (Beebe
7e, pp. 228) By understanding the person that I am in conflict with by asking clarifying
questions and summarizing, I should be able to avoid a good number of the pseudoconflicts I
might encounter otherwise. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246) Checking my understanding should also help in

solving more complicated conflicts as it is easier to solve a conflict with someone that you
understand, rather than trying to effectively solve a conflict with someone you repeatedly are
misunderstanding.
The fourth and final strategy that I chose to use was using the problem solving structure
to solve the complicated conflicts that I encounter. (Beebe 7e, pp. 247) While the problem
solving structure can be a lengthy process, I believe that it should help me resolve many of the
more complicated conflicts I have. By following the steps outlined in the text, I should be able
to more clearly define the problem and find a solution that is both fitting for the problem at
hand, and satisfy the needs and wants of both parties involved in the conflict. When I work
with the person to solve the problem we are facing, I should be able to better avoid having my
emotions take over and the conflict should be more easily resolved.
Constraints
There were, of course, difficulties that I faced while trying to improve my conflict
management skills. The first was that I found it difficult to refrain from using my old, ineffective,
conflict management skills. In the heat of the moment, I often would not be thinking about my
goal. Instead I would be focused on defending myself. I would let my emotions take over and
the strategies that I had chosen to help me were the furthest thing from my mind. Old habits
are hard to break and, no matter how badly I would want to use those strategies to improve my
communication, these habits were no exception.
The next constraint that I faced was getting others to cooperate in solving the problem.
At first I didnt want to tell others what I was working on doing, as I cant force others to change
any of their behaviors but I found that it was much too difficult to get them to participate
without them having knowledge of what I wanted from them. I could not effectively guide the
conversation to have the other person participate in the problem solving method or have them
ask questions to make sure they understood my views on the matter.
One other constraint was trying to solve conflict with people that, despite knowing what
I was requesting of them, would not cooperate. My sister was very often like this and would be
extremely difficult and would not follow any of the steps to the problem solving structure and
would also often assume that she understood what I was thinking and feeling. It didnt matter
how hard I tried to follow the steps I could not because she was not working with me in
following them. I realized that I could not force her to change her behavior during conflict so I
had to find new ways of effectively handling conflict with her.

Implementation
Changing my unwanted behavior was, at first, extremely difficult. I found that I could
not easily move away from the bad habits that I had formed during my past experiences with
conflict management. In order to overcome this constraint, I decided that whenever I thought

that there would be a possible conflict about to start, I would tell myself that I needed to
practice the new conflict management styles. Beebe calls this self-talk. (Beebe 7e, pp. 243) By
reminding myself of my goals while I was still calm and thinking clearly, I found that I was better
able to remember and practice the new skills during the conflict when I would normally forget
about the good habits I was trying to form and revert back to my old bad habits.
For example, during a conversation with my mom, she told me several chores that she
wanted me to do. I felt like the amount of work that she wanted me to do, compared with what
she had asked my siblings to do, was unfair. Before I got too upset and heated, I reminded
myself that it was possible that this was a misunderstanding and told myself that I needed to
clarify her statements. I also told reminded myself that if this wasnt a misunderstanding, I
needed to follow the problem solving strategies, in order to solve the conflict. I started by
telling my mom that I was really busy that day with school and work and that I didnt think it
was possible for me to do all of that today. I asked if it was really necessary for me to get all of
that done today and, if so, could my sister or brother help me with what I had been asked to
do. Once she realized that I was under the understanding that I needed to get all of the work
done in one day, she clarified her request, saying those were my chores for the week and that I
could finish them whenever I could during that time frame.
In this case, I think that I utilized the strategy of clarifying very well. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246) I
made my point clear to her and, by doing so, I prompted her to clarify her point as well. We
realized that we didnt have a clear understanding of what we wanted from each other, which
was causing conflict between us. By reminding myself of my goal before the conflict got too
heated, I was able to avoid escalating a pseudoconflict into a more complicated and a harder to
solve conflict.
At first, I did not want to tell anyone about the behaviors I was trying to change. I
wanted to change these behaviors in myself without making others feel like they had to change
with me. However, I quickly realized that the strategies I chose to help, specifically the problem
solving structure, would not be effective if, at least, the people that I have the most conflict
with do not know how I am attempting to resolve our conflicts. I ended up telling my
immediate family as well as my boyfriend about my personal change goals and asked for their
cooperation. This helped to overcome the constraint I was facing with getting the cooperation I
needed to use the problem solving structure in handling my complex conflicts.
I was most frequently able to practice using the problem solving method with my
boyfriend, Cory. We usually understand each other very well so our conflicts are not usually
pseudoconflicts. Instead, we often have conflicting views on things and because we are both
very stubborn people, we both think we are right and want things our way and its difficult to
persuade us otherwise. Because this is so often the case, we need to find a solution to the
conflict that suits both of us or we wont be happy.

An example of when I used the problem solving structure with Cory was about two
weeks ago. (Beebe 7e, pp. 249) We were out shopping at the mall when I saw a pair of shoes
that I liked. They were kind of expensive and I decided that I didnt really need them and that I
wouldnt buy them. Cory has different views on how and when its okay to spend money. I
think that saving is more important than buying things and am pretty conservative with my
money. He, on the other hand, spends more money on things that he wants and doesnt save
nearly as much as I do. On this particular occasion, he became frustrated with me saying that I
had plenty of money and that I was too stingy with my money to even buy something that I
wanted. I told him that I wanted to be prepared in case there was some kind of emergency
where I needed to spend a lot of money. The conflict continued and soon we were arguing how
he paid for so much of the fun things that we did while I hardly spent any money and just
saved it all. I soon realized that I had no idea what was really bothering him about the situation
and he didnt know what was bothering me. I started by asking him questions about how he
was feeling trying to clarify why he was upset. I also made a conscious effort to use Istatements so as not to make him feel like I was accusing him of anything. (Beebe 7e, pp. 246) I
wanted him to keep his guard down so he could tell me what he was really feeling, something
that he sometimes has difficulty with. I discovered that his problem really had nothing to do
with the shoes but that he felt like he wasnt able to save any of his own money because he was
always having to pay for things. Once we had established what the problem was and why he
felt that way, we were able to discuss possible solutions and picked the best one. (Beebe 7e,
pp. 249) I would pay every other time we went to get something to eat, like at fast food places,
which we do quite often. I would also cover any tips that we might have to give on dates so that
he had more money that he could be saving.
The two people that I had the most conflict with were Cory and my sister. While I was
improving in handling the conflict I had with Cory, I was making very little progress with my
sister. Most of the conflicts that I had with Brittany were pseudoconflicts that were made worse
by poor conflict management. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228) Even after I told her about what I was trying
to do, I could not get her to work with me to solve our conflicts. I had to change my approach
in handling our conflicts, so what I decided to do was to try to avoid some conflicts all together
by ignoring some of the things that would normally cause conflict. (Beebe 7e, pp. 235) If there
was a behavior that I normally would have addressed that could cause a conflict I would,
instead, ignore it and brush it off. This worked well in reducing our conflict and we fought a lot
less.
Results
As I practiced the skills I needed to reach my goal I experienced some positive
consequences to my conflict management. I found that I had fewer pseudoconflicts with
people and that I could more effectively handle conflicts that were more complex. (Beebe 7e,
pp. 228) I found that with my increased ability to handle conflicts, I also had better relationships

with my family and boyfriend. When conflicts were no longer as difficult to solve, I spent less
time arguing and more time using relationship building communication.
There werent really any negative consequences however, I was not quite as successful
as I hoped to be. I did make quite a bit process in reducing pseudoconflicts like I wanted,
however I did not accomplish as much as I would have liked toward managing complex
conflicts. (Beebe 7e, pp. 228) It was much more difficult than I originally thought to initiate and
use the problem solving structure. (Beebe 7e, pp. 249) It worked when I was able to effectively
apply it but it was very difficult to do so. The text did say that it was a lengthy process and that
it would require both parties to be participating in it, but I did not expect that it would be so
difficult to do when I had active participation from the other person involved in the conflict.
Recommendations
I definitely plan to continue to practice using the problem solving structure. (Beebe 7e,
pp. 249) When I have been able to effectively use the method, it has been a great way to
resolve conflict and I would like to be able to use it more often in more scenarios.
One strategy that I would like to add to help me with my conflict management skills is to
better be able to control my emotions. (Beebe 7e, pp. 241) I think one of the reason that I am
not able to utilize the problem solving structure is that my emotions prevent me from thinking
rationally enough to focus on using it. I often get too angry or start to cry and cant think about
anything but what I am feeling in that moment. By realizing that I am getting emotional before
it become a problem, I should be able to control it enough to stay level headed and solve the
conflict.
Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston:
Pearson.