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Depression that is subtle.

Relates to a loss of purpose.


Or a failure to know purpose.
Indifference
to practicalities to the point of self harm.
Pushing toward a breakdown
of lifestyle/routine/stability
with the secret unknown intent
of breaking through to truth.
And true purpose and fulfillment.
I work nine to five,
but do no work.
It will cost me my job.
I am not incapable.
I think that I want something else.
Painting, Music, Writing,
I do not know what.
I will not tell myself.
I want to draw and sing and be in love.
I am nave.
I hope one day to look back and laugh.
Life is rich and terrible.
I have been neglectful of my family,
neglectful of myself.
True purpose, good friends,
time, to use as you see fit and as needed.
One day soon I will quit my job.
I will discover what it is that I wish for,
and then I will spend my time in its pursuit.
Freedom.
My stomach rumbles, I get thirsty, I get cold,
I get lonely.
I spend money and time.
I compromise.
Greatness is that singleness of purpose
that allows you to be what you want
with such conviction
that the world bends to your will.
I do not know what I want.
A lover.
Someone beautiful
that is there when needed,
needs to be needed.
She has hair that hides her face,
sometimes she doesnt speak,
and I am left wondering.
Passionate and alive,
happy like a puppy or a picnic,

somewhere to rest,
someone to rest with.
Sleeping until sated,
defying sleep until exhaustion.
It is not necessary.
I have never known that feeling of indifference
to cessation and death.
I am always afraid.
Wanting a halt to fear.
For the night to always and forever
be a comfort and a melancholy.
Wanting
the terrible stars and cold beauty.
Family, friends in pain.
Like a furnace,
pushing back at you with its heat and immediacy.
For cool water,
not extinguishing,
to temper.
Or the stark confrontation
to be played out again and again,
with severity and passion.
Alcohol
making the pain of love sink into you like a knife.
holding the instrument.
Not wanting to let go.
Letting go,
giving up,
walking away from caring,
not from the things once cared for.
Meditation on things like rocks
and thinks unlike rocks.
Sweating with focus.
Smiling like a drug addict.
Boredom,
loneliness,
wants,
friends and people around you,
a fire,
warmth