Good / GREAT!

KEY
Expand
XXX Clarify; it isnt totally
clear what you mean.
XXX Be more specific, or
explain in more detail.
Remove or improve:
XXX Overly-abstract or too
general; evaluative
assertions should arise
clearly and naturally from
the facts. (See Specificity,
Assertions and Relevance).
XXX Make stronger links to
you/your specific
achievements
XXX Link more
clearly/relevantly to your
objectives/the program itself.
XXX This is self-evident or
too basic; some
descriptions are
unnecessary because they
are obvious from the context
or explanations of basic
facts.
XXX This seems out of
context.
Reduce or Remove
XXX Some unecessary
detail or overly long
explanation here; focus on
what the the question is
asking you to provide.
XXX Stylistic error /
clichd/overly-commonplace
expression; unnecessary
formalities and flourishes or
excessive compliments to
the school or discussions of
their rankings are not
advised.
XXX Likely to be mentioned
somewhere else in your
application
(resume/transcript).
XXX Not relevant enough to
your case for admission to
warrant inclusion (without
significant, compelling links
to your goals.

Document assessment
Document assessment

PERSONAL STATEMENT
- YAO YANAN

THIS IS OBVIOUS
FROM THE FACT
THEYRE APPLYING
TO GRAD SCHOOL.

I am interested in exploring effective education policy

corresponding to the dynamic role of education plays in early

VAGUE

childhood development. Particularly, I want to probe the relationship

between preschool education and its effects on childrens cognitive
and non-cognitive achievements. I plan to utilize quantitative skills to
analyze

gathered

data

and

effectively

measure

childrens

developments, in order to evaluate early childhood education

programs. Moreover, I want to examine education policies across
historical eras, geographical boundaries and cultural differences, and
to analyze contemporary development in early childhood education

BROAD
NEEDS
MORE
DETAIL

policies in global context. Then I would wrestle with the practical

question of through what channels could China learn from other
countries successful education policies, and what challenges might
prevent China from adopting other countries models. With its
prestige and high-caliber academic atmosphere, Education Policy
program at UPenn is my ideal choice for graduate school to continue
my intellectual journey.

THIS DESCRIBES THE

SCHOOL NOT THE
CLIENTIT REQUIRES
LINKS TO (SPECIFIC)
OBJECTIVES.

REFS TO
PRESTIGE=
MASSIVE
CLICHE (+
HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH
THE CLIENT
THEMSELVES

Good / GREAT!
STATING THIS ABSTRACT QUALITIES
HAS NO REAL VALUE TO THE CLIENTS CASE
FOR ADMISSIONTHEY NEED TO BE
DEMONSTRATED NOT ASSERTED. In junior year, I consolidated my determination to work on
KEY
Expand
XXX Clarify; it isnt totally
clear what you mean.
XXX Be more specific, or
explain in more detail.
Remove or improve:
XXX Overly-abstract or too
general; evaluative
assertions should arise
clearly and naturally from
the facts. (See Specificity,
Assertions and Relevance).
XXX Make stronger links to
you/your specific
achievements
XXX Link more
clearly/relevantly to your
objectives/the program itself.
XXX This is self-evident or
too basic; some
descriptions are
unnecessary because they
are obvious from the context
or explanations of basic
facts.
XXX This seems out of
context.
Reduce or Remove
XXX Some unecessary
detail or overly long
explanation here; focus on
what the the question is
asking you to provide.
XXX Stylistic error /
clichd/overly-commonplace
expression; unnecessary
formalities and flourishes or
excessive compliments to
the school or discussions of
their rankings are not
advised.
XXX Likely to be mentioned
somewhere else in your
application
(resume/transcript).
XXX Not relevant enough to
your case for admission to
warrant inclusion (without
significant, compelling links
to your goals.

education policy research during internships in public schools and

private institutions. From my work, I strengthened my critical
thinking, logical reasoning skills, and developed balanced values of
education and individual development through rigorous training.
Moreover, I gained a better understanding of preschool education
through closely observing two students performances and learning
attitudes. One was the seven-grade Henry who started to
uninterruptedly learn New Concept English1 at 4-years-old, under
the instructions of his father. This early training was highly
productive as early investment feed into later achievement. Henry not
only excelled in standard tests, but also showed active and earnest
learning attitude compared to peers. More importantly, Henry
developed excellent personality through fruitful learning. Another
case was the seven-grade Wang who had no prior English learning
experience and did not start schooling until the age of 8. Because of
his familys financial situations, Wang went to a public school with
meager educational resources, to such an extent that English was not
compulsory. He lagged behind in study and gradually grew
unconfident, failing to communication effectively with teachers and
classmates.

WHAT SPECIFIC PURPOSES IS THIS LONG

SECTION OF DESCRIPTION BEING USED
FOR? WHAT DOES IT TELL THE ADMISSIONS
OFFICER? IT NEEDS TO BE REVISED (AND
SHORTENED WITH THIS IN MIND).

Good / GREAT!
VERY VAGUE
LANGUAGE
These two cases are exemplary of the paradoxes and

KEY
Expand
XXX Clarify; it isnt totally
clear what you mean.
XXX Be more specific, or
explain in more detail.

contradictions inherent in Chinas educational system. From these, I

Remove or improve:
XXX Overly-abstract or too
general; evaluative
assertions should arise
clearly and naturally from
the facts. (See Specificity,
Assertions and Relevance).
XXX Make stronger links to
you/your specific
achievements
XXX Link more
clearly/relevantly to your
objectives/the program itself.
XXX This is self-evident or
too basic; some
descriptions are
unnecessary because they
are obvious from the context
or explanations of basic
facts.
XXX This seems out of
context.

care bolstered the development of children in the later stages,

Reduce or Remove
XXX Some unecessary
detail or overly long
explanation here; focus on
what the the question is
asking you to provide.
XXX Stylistic error /
clichd/overly-commonplace
expression; unnecessary
formalities and flourishes or
excessive compliments to
the school or discussions of
their rankings are not
advised.
XXX Likely to be mentioned
somewhere else in your
application
(resume/transcript).
XXX Not relevant enough to
your case for admission to
warrant inclusion (without
significant, compelling links
to your goals.

grew keenly aware that early childhood education along with parents

verifying the hypothesis that skill begets skill. Also, I realized that

WOULD
BE BETTER
TO STATE
WHERE
RESEARCH
INFO IS
GOING
EARLIER

there was a widening gap between parents awareness of the

significance of preschool education. Familys varied financial
situations partly resulted this discrepancy. Also, high-pricing courses
offered by private educational institutions and the inadequate
investment in public schools exacerbated the problem of educational
inequality. With these concerns in mind, I am eager to study early
childhood education program and policy to elevate the current
preschool education in China.
As an avid learner and self-starter, I accumulated and
digested large amount of information on early childhood education.
From my research, I found early childhood as a promising period for
effective educational investment. Both early cognitive and noncognitive skills are susceptible to environmental interventions. Thus,
building skills early in life produces positive effects, benefitting
children in the long run. Moreover, date collected from early
childhood education programs may reveal stimulating results. The

THIS DESCRIBES STUFF. IT IS NOT

CLEAR WHETHER THIS AROSE FROM
THE RESEARCH; NOR IS IT CLEAR
HOW IT RELATES TO GOALS FOR
GRAD SCHOOL.

GENERAL MUSINGS AND OBSERVATIONS:

NOT CLEARLY RELATED TO ANYTHING
SPECIFICALLY TO DO WITH THE CLIENT.

CLEARER, MORE SPECIFIC DETAILS WILL BE EXPECTED.

Good / GREAT!
GENERAL EXPLANATORY MATERIAL; NOT
CLEARLY/QUICKLY LINKED TO STUDENTSPECIFIC MATERIAL TO JUSTIFY ITSELF.
KEY

heterogeneity of outcomes across groups could help identify which

Expand
XXX Clarify; it isnt totally
clear what you mean.
XXX Be more specific, or
explain in more detail.

groups benefit most from preschool setting, thus deepening our

Remove or improve:
XXX Overly-abstract or too
general; evaluative
assertions should arise
clearly and naturally from
the facts. (See Specificity,
Assertions and Relevance).
XXX Make stronger links to
you/your specific
achievements
XXX Link more
clearly/relevantly to your
objectives/the program itself.
XXX This is self-evident or
too basic; some
descriptions are
unnecessary because they
are obvious from the context
or explanations of basic
facts.
XXX This seems out of
context.

hypothesis skills beget skills claims that high-quality early

Reduce or Remove
XXX Some unecessary
detail or overly long
explanation here; focus on
what the the question is
asking you to provide.
XXX Stylistic error /
clichd/overly-commonplace
expression; unnecessary
formalities and flourishes or
excessive compliments to
the school or discussions of
their rankings are not
advised.
XXX Likely to be mentioned
somewhere else in your
application
(resume/transcript).
XXX Not relevant enough to
your case for admission to
warrant inclusion (without
significant, compelling links
to your goals.

understanding of the human capital development. Overall, the

childhood education is desirable in human development, both

improving academic attainment and income-level, as well as
reducing criminal rate. For my research, I will pay close attention to
wrestle with these difficulties----how to accurately measure the
connection

between

educational

intervention

and

childrens

achievement, and how to employ the fit quantitative method to

evaluate early education programs and policies.

A BASIC
In graduate school, I would like to continue my exploration PREMISE
FOR
ANYONE
in education policy and evaluate policies through scientific APPLYING?

approaches and analysis at global level. Education Policy program at

UNHELPFUL, COMMONPLACE

UPenn would be the ideal place for me to develop my research

interests. The courses provided by the program range from both
qualitative and quantitative research methods to theoretical
understanding of education policy that exactly matches my research
interests. Courses particularly relevant to my research agenda are
Evolution of Assessment, Child Development and Social Policy, the
Economic Aspects of Educational Policy. I believe my educational
STRAIGHT OFF THE WEBSITE MATERIAL IS VERY
UNHELPFUL TO BUILDING A CLIENTS SPECIFIC CASE
FOR ADMISSION: ANYONE COULD COPY+PASTE THIS
KIND OF THING OFF THE INTERNET!

Good / GREAT!

KEY

and professional experiences prior to my proposed matriculation at

Expand
XXX Clarify; it isnt totally
clear what you mean.
XXX Be more specific, or
explain in more detail.

UPenn have prepared me to both excel in my studies and execute the

Remove or improve:
XXX Overly-abstract or too
general; evaluative
assertions should arise
clearly and naturally from
the facts. (See Specificity,
Assertions and Relevance).
XXX Make stronger links to
you/your specific
achievements
XXX Link more
clearly/relevantly to your
objectives/the program itself.
XXX This is self-evident or
too basic; some
descriptions are
unnecessary because they
are obvious from the context
or explanations of basic
facts.
XXX This seems out of
context.

commitment to the field, and previous experience will uniquely add

Reduce or Remove
XXX Some unecessary
detail or overly long
explanation here; focus on
what the the question is
asking you to provide.
XXX Stylistic error /
clichd/overly-commonplace
expression; unnecessary
formalities and flourishes or
excessive compliments to
the school or discussions of
their rankings are not
advised.
XXX Likely to be mentioned
somewhere else in your
application
(resume/transcript).
XXX Not relevant enough to
your case for admission to
warrant inclusion (without
significant, compelling links
to your goals.

research project delineated above. My professional attitude,

to your program, as well as help confront global issues from a

contemporary perspective.

THIS DOESNT NEED

SAYING; IT SHOULD HAVE
BEEN ACUTELY (AND CLEARLY)
DEMONSTRATED AS THE PRECEDING
MATERIAL BUILT TO THIS POINT.