IsabelKrull

TheDresdenBallerina

Beadsofsweatsmackedherskinateveryreleve,tricklingdownherforeheadand
slammingherchestateverylift.Flyawaysplasteredthemselvestoherforeheadandthenape
ofherneck.Everytimesheshewouldriseupontohertoes,shefeltherblistersreopening
thebloodtricklingdownhercallousedfeet."Annabel!"Sheturnedaround,liftingherchinin
acknowledgementtoherinstructor."Annabel,pleaseshowusyourgrandejete."Herheart
quickened,herpulsethrobbing.Annabelsteppedtothecornerandliftedherarmsin
preparation."5,6,7,8!"MissLorettacalledout,asifshewasamileaway.Likeclockwork,
Annabel'sfeetclickedtogether,lungingintoadeepsecondposition,andsplittheair,her
calvesstrainingfrompressure.MissLorettapulledherselfoutofhersilkychair,herlong
layersfountainingaroundher.Onceshehadstood,shefoldedhershouldersbehindherand
struckherhandstogethercreatingacrisp,echoingapplaud.Sheplantedherselfnextto
Annabel,wrappingherpale,wrinkledarmaroundherstudentssculptedshoulders.Ladies,
noticeAnnabelstechniqueMissLorettacontinued,lecturingonproperballettechnique.
Lorettawasacomposedwomanwithshimmering,silverhairslickedbackintoalowchignon
bun,pinnedintoplacewithapearlencrustedclip,sheappearedtobeincrediblyposed.Her
earsglimmeredwithcreamcoloredpearls,andacrimsonredlipstickclungtoherthin,pursed
lips.Creasedeyelidsliftedthickmascara,herlashesshieldingthemutedblueeyes
underneath.MissLorettahadanintensefondnessforpearls,andthecolorblack,andthetwo
constructedherwardrobe.Shecommonlysportedatightturtlenecksweater,fittedtightly
aroundherbust,clingingtoherwaist,thehemlinesewnatherprotrudinghipbones.Azipped
skirtwrappedaroundherwaist,fastenedwithapatentleatherbelt.Theskirtflareddownher
legs,thehemlineswayingbackandforthunderneathherknees.Andnomatterhowold
Lorettawas,orhowtiredherfeethadbecomeduetoherage,andownextensivedance
career,apairoffourinchpatentheelsfittedherfeet.Agoldchaindangledfromherneck,a
singlepearlconnectedtoit.Theonlythingnotblack,orpearled,werehernails,buffedand
shinedwithamauvepurplepolish.Lorettaretreatedbacktoherseat,yellingoutthenext
combination.Annabel'sheadbegantospin,thescuffedfloorunderneathherbegantoshift
likeaseesaw,herleotardwassoakedwithsweat.MissLorettasboomingvoicecamejustin
time.Classdismissed.Behereat7:00sharptomorrow.Youwillbeexcusedat5:00.Gather
yourbagsandstayhydrated.Theballerinasscuttledtowardthedoor,pressingtowels
againsttheirfacesandpouringwaterdowntheirchests.Annabelstabledherselfagainstthe
mirror,andslungherbagoverhershoulder.Shesuffereddownthestaircase,suckingin
short,strainedbreaths.Inthedressingroom,sheslouchedontothebench,herheadinher
hands.Aftersheregainedcomposure,shebentovertotakeoffherpointeshoesvery,very
carefully.WhenAnnabeltakesoffhershiny,satinshoes,shealwaysquiversatthesightof
whatliesunderneath.Herfeetarered,bloodhasrushedtoherfeetjustlikewhenastringis
tiedaroundafinger.Blistersandcallousesinvadethetopsofhertoes,bloodpoolingfromthe
sidesofherfeet.Heranklesarenobetter,herachillestendonispurplefromstrain,andatthe
backofherheel,aninfectedblistersits,neverhavingenoughtimetoheal.Annabelhasto
wipeawayhertears,carefulasnottosmearhercharcoallinerbrushedoverherlashlines.

Tearsfreckleherface.Sheremovesthepinsembeddedinherhair,itspillinghalfwaydown
herback.Annabelbitesdownhardonherlipwhenshestandsuponherbruisedfeet,and
walksoutoftheoldbrickbuilding,wheresomuchofherbloodhasbeensacrificed.Annabel
steppedoutintotherainystreet.Sheturnedoutofthealleywayandpassedtheuniversity.A
groupoftheatreacrobatsweresmokingcigarettesoutsidethewiregate,smirkingatAnnabel
asshewalkedby.Annabelavoidedeyecontact,andquickenedherpace.Shefinallyreached
hercobbledstreet.SheunlockedthethedoortoherpristineVictorianhouse,walkingthrough
thehallway,andintoherbedroom.Shetuckedherdancebagontotheshelf,andlitthe
candlesittingonthebedsidetable,chippingwithbluepaint.Hertwinsizedbedwascovered
withaplushwoolblanketandasatinpillowcase.Sheliedonherbed,andlookedaroundthe
boxsizedroom.Portraitsofblonde,Germanballerinasfightforspaceonthewalls,andher
deskislitteredwithpiles.Atatterednotebookfullofchoreographynotesissuffocatedby
pointeshoestringandribbons,tangledinwithleotardsandtightsthatrequiredstitching.
Annabelhadbeenforcedtodoherstudiesonthefloor,sinceherdeskwastakenover.There
wasasoftknockonthedoor,hermothersfacepeeringthroughthecrack.Anna,please
meetthefamilyintheden.Sheleftthedooropen,withtheimplicationthatthegatheringwas
urgent.Annabelrolledoffofherbed,andwrappedherfrailframeinathickwintersweater.In
herdimlylitden,herlittlesisterMaridawascurledupontherug,alacedhandkerchiefwas
clutchedinhersmallhand.Annabelsbrother,Frederickwassittingstraightupinherfathers
oldchair,agrimstareshadeshisface.Andhermother,LuisaiscoweringintoMarida,
blowinghernoseonhersleeve.AnnabelsitsinthevelvetchairnexttoFrederick.Annabel.
Frederickstates,extendinghishand.Ireceivedalettertoday.Fromthemilitary.Iamjoining
Hitler'sarmy.ThewordssmackAnnabelacrosstheface,sohardthatavirtualhandprint
rushedtothesurfaceofherskin.Andyet,sheiscompletelynumb.Frederickcontinued.Im
goingtobeallright,Iwillonlybegoneforawhile.Annabelbringsherselftocroakoutafew
words,hervoiceshaking.WhataboutPapa,Frederick?Howcanyousayyoullbealright
whenwealllivedthroughhisdeath?Whenhewenttowar,hepromisedthesamething."
Fredericknodded.Itsdifferent,Anna.Ibelievethatitis.Annabelstaredahead,peeringinto
anemptyvoid.Aterrifyingthoughtsuddenlyenteredhermind.TearsrushedtoAnnabels
eyes,floodinghervision.Shejumpedup,andranoutthedoor.ANNA!ANNABEL,STOP!
Hermothershrieked,butAnnabelslegsdidntstopturninguntilshecrashedintoher
boyfriend.Hewasinthemiddleofthestreet,onhiswaytofindher.Hecaughther,andher
inconsolablecriesbecomemuffledinhiscollarbone.Theykneeonthestreet,Rolphclungto
hisgirlfriend,andburiedhisfaceintothearcbetweenherneckandshoulders,silenttears
fallingdownhisface.Annabelgrippedtohim,wipinghereyesonhissleeve.Rolphpulled
Annabeltoherfeet,holdingherdelicatechininhishand,trueloveshownthroughhiseyes,a
lovesogrand,itcouldhealdisease.ThecouplesluggedbacktoRolph'shouse,andsaton
thefloortogether,holdinghandsandlookingdeepintoeachother'ssouls.Icantlivewithout
you.IcantlosebothyouandFrederick!HowcanIeat?HowcanIsleep?HowcanIbreathe?
HowcanIdance?Itsimpossible,toknowthatyourenotsafe,andknowingthatImnotable
tohelpyou.Imsafe,Annabel."Annabelreluctantlybobbedherhead.Iloveyou,RolphI
loveyoumorethanlifeitself."Rolphpaused,inhalingadeepbreath."Imgoingtobethe
samepersonwhenIgetback,andeverythingwillbenormalagain.Thatwasthelastthing

AnnabeleverheardfromRolph.Thelastthingthatshehadheardfromherbeloved,wasan
emptypromise.Aninevitablelie,somethingsaidtosugarcoattheuglytruth.

Thenextmorning,Annabel,hersister,andmotherallgatheredatthedoortosaytheir
goodbyestoFrederick.Afterfiveminutes,sheretiredtoherbedroom,andpreparedforher
longdayofballetclasses.Annabelmoppedthefloors,washedthedishes,andwenttokiss
hermothergoodbye.Whatwasthatfor?Luisaasked."I'mgoingtoclass.I'llbebackatsix,I
finishedmychores.AngercastedashadowoverLuisa'sface,herdarkeyesawitch's
cauldron.Wherethehelldoyouthinkyouregoing?Luisademanded.Thedancestudio,I
haveawholedayofrehearsals.Well,cancel.Yourenotgoing.Infact,tellthatoldwoman
thatyouwillnotbeattendinganymore,untilyourbrotherreturnsfromWAR!Areyoucrazy?
Imgoingtodance,evenifFrederickisnthere!Fine,Annabel.Leaveyourabandoned
mothertofendforherself.Leaveyoursuffering,littlesistertofendforherself.Wellbefine.
Wecandoeverythingourselves,whileyoureofflovingyourlife.Thesarcasminhervoice
wasthick,ariverofmolassestrappingher,andpullingherunder.IlltalktoyouwhenIget
home.Dontyoudarewalkoutthatdoor,Annabel!Butthedoorslammedbehindher,
withoutasecond'shesitation.

WhenLorettadismissedherclass,sheheldoneofherstudentsbehind.Annabel.
Sheturnedaround.MayIspeakwithyouforamoment."Annabelwobbledbackintothe
humidroom,andtookaseatonthefloor.Annabel,Iheardaboutyourbrother,alongwith
yourpreciousRolph.Annabelcringed,tryingtofocusonthescuffedpatternsontheground.
Icantimaginethepainyouarefeeling."Annabelfeltherfaceburningup.Thereisan
audition,forthePrimaBallerinaTour.EachstudioinGermanynominatestheirbestballerina
toaudition,andthreedancers,willbechosentodancewithrealprofessionaldancers.
Annabel,Iamchoosingyouasmynominee.Pleaseconsiderit.Annabelwokeupfromher
trance,andlookedupatLoretta.Thankyou,MissLoretta."Annabelstoodup,curtsied,and
leftthemustyclassroom.Whenshearrivedhome,hermotherwasinthekitchen,dressedina
lightblueskirtset,braidingMaridashairinalooparoundherblondehead.Annabel?Yes,
itsme.Comein,sitdown.Therewasanolivegreendresslaidoutonthecounter.Get
dressed,AdolfHitlerisspeakingtoday.Annabelpulledthedressoverhershoulders,flipping
herhairbacktobrushitout.Thefamilylefttheirhouse,walkingtothebiggesttheatrein
Dresden.Theytooktheirseats,fourrowsfromthefront.Therewerelieutenantsand
commandersonthestadium,standingupstillandpoisedaroundawoodenmicrophone
stand.AdolfHitlerstruttedoutfromthecurtain.Everyoneinthetheatrestood,cheeringand
clapping,tearsofjoyglitteredintheireyes.WhenHitlerreachedthestand,theaudience
silenced,perchedontheedgeoftheirseats,anxioustohearhiswisewords.

EuropewillnothavepeaceuntiltheJewishquestionhasbeendisposedof.Theworld
hassufficientcapacityforsettlement,butwemustfinallybreakawayfromthenotionthata
certainpercentageoftheJewishpeopleareintended,byourDearGod,tobetheparasitic
beneficiaryofthebody,andtheproductivework,ofotherpeoples.Jewrymustadaptitselfto
respectableconstructivework,asotherpeoplesdo,oritwillsoonerorlatersuccumbtoa

crisisofunimaginableportions.IftheinternationalfinanceJewryinsideandoutsideEurope
shouldsucceedinplungingthenationsintoaworldwaryetagain,thentheoutcomewillnot
bethevictoryofJewry,butrathertheannihilationoftheJewishraceinEurope!The
audienceboundedtotheirfeet,cheeringsoloudthatthewallsshook.

Sheawokethenextmorning,andpulledonherleotard,layeringinheavysweaters,andwool
sockspulledoverherpointeshoes.Shehikeduptherottingstaircaseandstoodfacetoface
withMissLoretta.Areyoupreparedforthelongdayaheadofyou?Annabelnodded,her
bonesandmusclesandlimbsallpoppingandcrackingfromthecold.AnnabelandMiss
Lorettaworkedtogetherforeighthourseverydayforaweek,untilthebigdayoftheaudition
hadfinallyarrived.Annabeltookabathinthedressingroomsink,runningheroilyhairunder
thehotfaucet.Shethencoiledherlong,thickhairintoabunonthetopofherhead,held
togetherwithwirepins.MissLorettaandAnnabeldrovetothemosthighlyacclaimedtheatre
inGermany.Studentandteacherwalkedinarminarmandbothgapedatthesightinfrontof
them.Thestage,bigenoughtoaccommodateathousandpeoplewaslitupwithrosepink
lights,eightbarreslinedonebehindtheotherinthemiddleofthestage.Alargewoman
bustledoutfromthewing.Hello,andwelcometothePrimaBallerinaAudition.Name,
please?AnnabelWolf.MissLorettastatedcalmly.Ifyouwouldpleasefollowme,Miss
Wolf.Annabelfollowedherintothewing,andwasledtoabrightdressingroom.Therewere
racksoftutus,andcountertopsfullofmakeupandribbonswithsparklingmirrorsthatcovered
thewholewall.Therewere30otherdancers,allapplyinglipstickorbeingstitchedintoa
costume.Annabelbegantopullonhertights,steppingintoherblackleotardandtyingashort
sheerskirtaroundherhips.Thelargewomancamebackwithapairofshinynewpointe
shoes.Here,everydancerisrequiredtohaveanewpair.Breaktheshankandsewyourself
in.Fifteenminuteslater,thewomancamebackandstoodinthedoorway.Ladies,ladies!It

istime.Allthatisallowedonstageisyou,wearingaleotard,tights,andyourpairofpointe
shoes.Youwillbecalledtoleavethisroom,andMissEvelynwillplaceyou.Firstdancer,Ada
Linden,AdolfinaKranz,AnnabelWolfAnnabelfoundherspaceatthebarre.

MissLorettahandedAnnabeltheletterthenextday.DearAnnabelWolf,weare
honoredtohostyouinthePrimaBallerinaTour.WeleavetoBerlintomorrow.

Annabelleftonthetrainthenextday,withoutsayinggoodbyetohermotherorsister.The
onlyconnectiontoherfamilyshehadleftwereafewbeatenuppicturesinalittletinstuffed
intohersuitcase.Annabelopenedhernotebook,andinkedhercalligraphypen.

February11,1945:IamonatraintoBerlin,whereIwillfinallymeetmyidols.Imissmy
family,butIcantlookbacknow.ThepostersIhaveseenaroundtownbringmehopeand
reassuranceofFrederickandRolphssafety.PraiseAdolfHitler,forlookingafterthewell
beingoftheGermans.MamaandMaridaareokay,aswell,Iassume.Iftheyfeelaspeaceful
asIdo,Iamsuretheyarethriving.Germanyissafe,wearetakencareof.Wearetakingcare
ofourselves.
AnnabelWolf

Annabelclosedhernotebookandstaredoutthewindow,dreamingabouttheadventurethat
wasabouttocome.

ShesteppedoffofthetrainandintoBerlin.Therewasamandressedinblackwhichhelda
signprintedWolf.Annabelwalkeduptohim.ImAnnabelWolf,areyoumydriver?The
mannodded,takingherbagsandleadingherintothebackseat.Berlinlookednothinglike
Dresden.Itwasmoresullen,therewerentasmanymuseumsorsculpturesorplazas.It
seemedthateveryonehadamelancholyairtothem,likesomethingwastroublingthem.
Annabellookedawayfromthewindowanddowntoherhands,heldontoherarmbyboney
andfrailwrists.Sheneededtofocusonherperformance,andnothingmore.

Annabelwasperchedinfrontofhermirror,brushingonpinkpowdertohercheeksand
addingaredstaintoherpoutedlips.Ballerinasallaroundherwerepullingontheirtutus,
stretchingagainstthewallstoprepareforthesecondnightofthetour.Thelargewoman
bustledin.Ladies,gatheraround.Thedancersallformedahalfcirclearoundthedirector.
Itsthelastdayofthetour!Whatextraordinaryperformances,weareallsoproud.Ourguest
dancerswillbesentbacktotheirhomestomorrow.Letsmakeourlastperformancethebest
yet!Placesonstageinfiveminutes.

Annabelsteppedintothewing,herplattertutuflittingupanddownassheskippedtoher
place.EvelynPetersenisintheoppositewing,andthetinklingtunedriftsfromthegrand
piano.Theduetstarted,powerfulleapsboundedacrossthestage,anddelicatepirouettes
twirledtheirtutus.


Annabelduckedintoherdressingroom,gigglingandhuggingherfellowdancers.The
largedirectorbustledintotheroom,theballerinascirclingaroundher.
Ladies,afterasuccessfulweekofperformances,itistimetoreturnbackhome.
Annabelconcealedhermakeupandfragmentsofclothingintohersuitcase,and
pacedoutofthetoweringtheatre,andlookedoverhershoulderonelasttimetoadmireher
dreamcometrue.Sheloadedontothetrain,herheartfillingwithexcitementtoseeherfamily
again.Shepulledouthertatteredjournal,andinkedhercalligraphypen.Shetitledthepage,
ReturningHome
Thetraincametoahalt,andAnnabelsweetlyliftedthecornersofhermouthintoa
subtlesmileasshewaltzeddownthesteps.Shecarefullysteppedontothetrainstation
platform.Shelookeddownathersmudged,printedticket.
February13.BerlintoDresden.AnnabelWolf.Arrivingtime,6:00am.
Annabelarrivedatherdoorstep,andthedoorwasboltedshut.Maridaopenedthe
door,jumpingupontoAnnabelshipsandwrappingherstrong,littlearmsaroundherneck.A
smilecreasedAnnabelsface,andafeelingofbelongingwashedoverher.Shecarried
Maridathroughthedoor,hereyesmeetinghermothers.Luisalookedtired,thedimlamp
castingdrearyshadowsoverherlong,shallowwrinkles.Luisaliftedherselfoutofherchair,
andscuffledtogiveAnnabelatightembrace.Thehumofmotorsdriftedoverhead,and
Annabelpulledawayfromhermotherandsister.Luisagazedupattheceiling,herface
havinggonepalewithfear.Thistime,thehummingdidntfadeaway.Suddenly,therewasa
terrifying,destructivesoundnextdoor,andshardsofwoodshatteredtheirwindows.Thethree
collapsedtotheground,crawlingtotakecoverunderneaththesturdyoaktable.Flameswere
peeringoverthewindowpane,smokeswirlingupthewalls.Thisplacecalledhome,was
engulfedinblueflame,closetotumblingdownwithasinglebreathofwind.Museumsand
statuesfractured,anddoveintothecobbledstreets.Annabelfeltherselfbegintospin,her
mindswishingbackandforthwithinherskull.Shepriedhereyesopen,gluedtogetherwith
saltytears.Herlimbsallfeltbroken,crackedandhelpless.Abottomlesspittookplaceofher
stomach,hungerfillingtheemptyspace.Butterflieshadflownfromherthroat,andwere
replacedwithstingingbeesbuildinghivesinherlungs.Hermuscleshaddiminishedinto
water,soakingintoheremptybones.Guiltforleavingsatonhershoulderswithalltheweight
ithad,andthedisintegratedremainsofherheartspreadthroughherveins,infectinghercold
bloodwithremorse.Herbrainpoundedagainstherskull,tryingtoescapetheimprisonmentof
thought.Shecouldfeelherselfdriftinginandoutofoblivion,fallingintospace.Annabelrolled
hereyeswitheveryounceofforceshecouldmuster,andlookedoverathermother.Onlya
blurryshadowwasvisiblebehindthepuffinessofhereyes.Hersisterwasontheothersideof
Annabel,nestledintoherhip.Therewerentanywordsexchanged,onlyanembracethat
spokeamillionwords.Maridadidntevenliftherhead,justgrippedAnnabelshandtighter
andtighteruntilitturnedbloodpurple.Thesmellofsmokefilledthebuilding,theground
beneaththemheatingtheirskin.Annabelburiedherfaceintohermother,andpulledMarida
intoher,knowingtherewasnoescape,noescapefromthisbeautifuldown,diminishinginto
ashesandblowingaway,leavingthecitizenswithinbehindtoperish.