Bolton

Affair- Proofing My Marriage

Formatted: Centered

When I was a young girl, the poem of the spider and the fly by Mary Howitt (Howitt,
1829) was often recited to me. I was intrigued by this tragic tale. Even though it is a childs
story, it demonstrates how easy it is to be deceived by allowing our thoughts to wander and
letting our guard down, which often leads to a different outcome than we dreamed or fantasized
about. When we are married, we need to establish firm and clear boundaries that will allow us to
be protected from the distracters to our marital union.

Comment [AT1]: Good thesis

The tale of the spider and the fly starts with casual friendship. The fly and the spider have
a chance meeting. They continue their meetings and develop the friendship further. The fly has
some boundaries, but still fantasizes about what it might be like to be more intimately connected
to the spider. The spider says all the right things and flatters the young fly. The fly lets down
more of her boundary walls and allows the relationship to go further. She accepts the spiders
praise and even thinks about him when she isnt with him. She flirts back. The spider lures her
with the bounties of what the world has to offer;, after all, they can share a meal together, for
they are just friendsarent they? As the friendship progresses, the spider poses a question,
somewhat casually, Dear friend, what can I do/ To prove the warm affection Ive always felt for
you? (Howitt, 1829).We discover the spider had no intention of a long, committed relationship;,
he was looking for a one night stand, which ended tragically for the fly.
All marriages are in danger of wily spiders. In order for us to protect against these clever
deceivers, we need to establish boundaries, even before taking marriage vows. The rules are for
marital safety. Fidelity is a process and is measured by the degrees of loyalty, allegiance and

Comment [AT2]: Vary your sentence structure.

Just about every sentence up to this point has been
short and choppy.

commitment between a husband and wife. Any action that allows inappropriate relationships to
grow erodes fidelity (Gardner & Greiner). Gardner and Greiner also teach us, No matter who
we are, where we are married, how much we love each other, or what church calling we have, we
must always be on guard against affairs (Gardner & Greiner). The spider in our story was able
to break down the flys barriers, because she allowed herself to become distracted, and allowing
her thoughts and her heart to focus upon the vain things of the world (Helaman 12:4). She didnt
have a good plan, and if she did, she didnt stick to it. We all need to have firm plans that we are
determined to adhere to, no matter what situation we are placed in.
There are several boundary violations that my marriage could suffer from. My husband
works in an industry where there has always been a need for travel. For many years, he traveled
overseas and would be gone for several weeks. He has often traveled in the company of female

Formatted: Highlight

co-workers. He is alone with them for many hours during the day. He spends time with them

Formatted: Highlight

alone in conference rooms and in cars as they travel from airports to meeting places. There is a

Comment [AT3]: Again, vary the sentence

structure. Youve started three sentences in a row
with He

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need for trust, and for good communication, as well as staying fiercely loyal to each other.
Positive thoughts of home and family need to stay foremost in each of the spouses minds.
In order for my work-traveling spouse to be fiercely loyal to me, he makes sure that the
conversation focuses on the positive aspects of married life. I trust him to be loyal to me by not
speaking ill of me or pointing out my faults. My husband also doesnt hold meetings in private
hotel rooms at all. He also doesnt engage in some social activities with the females he travels
with, such as swimming or meeting in bars. I remain fiercely loyal to him by trusting him and not
showing jealousy or ill feelings when I know he will be travelling with his female employees.
We often meet for lunch during the week if we know that our lives are going to be too busy for a
date night. He calls me to make sure that things are going well at home. When he travels, he calls

to let me know that he has arrived safely, and we discuss the things that have happened in each
others day. He also stays fiercely loyal to me by speaking kindly of me to his co-workers, and
not pointing out my faults or errors. I stay fiercely loyal to him by not speaking ill of him to the
children or by talking about his faults and problems with others.
Controlling thoughts is crucial to keeping a marriage healthy. Each spouse must find
something that occupies their free time in a wholesome way. Neal A. Maxwell has cautioned,
Temptation expands so as to fill the time and space available to it. Keep anxiously engaged in
good things, for idleness has a way of wrongly insisting, again and again, that it is ourselves we
must think of pleasing (Maxwell, 1979). I currently use my homework, reading, or craft
activities to fill my time and to keep my mind occupied with healthy thoughts.
Putting spouses first is a difficult challenge when there are children living in the home,
and when you have a church assignment that requires a lot of time. If we are managing our
marriages well, our spouses need to come first, and all other relationships and duties will become
secondary. When we were first married, I called my mom a lot. I mean all the time. My husband
reminded me that I was married to him, not to my mother and that he needed my attention, as
well. Most often I was calling to ask for her advice;, after all, she had been married a long time
and had eight children--why wouldnt she know the answers to my questions? After hearing
her advice, I would insist on using the direction she had given without asking my husband for his
thoughts or input. I was putting my relationship with my mom before that of my relationship
with my spouse. Life has changed, and with it, so have I. I put my spouse before all and in all
things.

Having good communication allows us to share ideas and thoughts. As the

communication in marriage fails, so often the marriage fails, as well. Spouses end up drifting
apart. All the things that they used to find in common, or fascinating when they were dating or
newly married, have been brushed aside by annoyances or petty grievances which could be
resolved if the spouses were talking to each other. Once each spouse decides to strengthen the
marriage by communicating with words of appreciation, sharing what has happened through the
day, or even some of the struggles of their lives, they are able to deepen their relationship.
Couples should talk about their dreams of how they would like to move forward together and
what they are willing to do to make those dreams a reality. This will help you remain
emotionally connected and help prevent the problem of remaining together physically but
emotionally apart (Gardner & Greiner).
The tale of the spider and the fly is a good allegory of what could befall a marriage if the
marital boundaries arent firmly set, or if they arent adhered to. Marriage can be a wonderful
way to share in the journey of life together. As we learn how to set boundaries and keep the
boundaries strong against intruders, our marriages will endure. We need to make sure that we
maintain relationships with our spouses that we are fiercely loyal to. We will be better spouses
when we allow our thought to be about wholesome things that matter, and when we continually
remember that our spouses should be foremost in our thoughts and our actions. As we
communicate with each other, we develop a love that lasts, and our commitment to our marriage
grows, thus our marriage will be able to survive the temptations of wily spiders.
Bolton,
I have gone over your paper, and overall, I think you've done a wonderful job with this assignment. You
noted the different types of boundary violations that can create challenges to marriages, and then came
up with a clear plan to address each one. Your paper was organized, and there really weren't too many
issues with grammar other than some punctuation here and there, but those can easily be fixed. :)

The only thing you really need to watch out for is your sentence structure and varying it's length. There
were some areas in the document where the sentences were all short and choppy and it didn't flow very
well. I've made note of this within the paper to help and have also highlighted the areas where you start
each sentence with the same word.
I hope this helps! You've really done a wonderful job with this paper :). If you have any questions, feel
free to ask!
-Ally