TheFallsProphet

JustinKanzler
Somewhereintheworldadogdied.
239yearslater.

Nodshamwasthegenreofbigcitywhichisactuallymoreofacollectionof
coincidentallygatheredunhappypeoplewithnobetteroptions,likemostbigcities.Unlikemost
bigcities,however,Nodshamwasperchedonaperfectlysquaresectionofrockwithadesert,
calledGreatWaste#16,ononeside,andnarrowchasmsonthethreeotherswithinwhich
approximately5,000averagesizedmentostandontopofeachother.Thechasmswerecalled
theFalls,becausethatswhatmostpeopledidtherethelivingresidentstoaoneenviedthe
peoplewhotoppledofftheedge.AtthetimeofNodshamscreation,theGodlivingtherejust
didntwanttobebothered,hestilldidnt,buthestillwas.
Inadimlylitroom,inthestonecity,satsixGodsaroundasplinterywoodentable,
passingabottlebetweenthem.Theannualmeetingoflocaldivinitywasunderway,orsothe
papersigntackedtothedooroutsidewouldhaveanyonepassingbythink.Inrealityitwasmore
ofasupportgroup,becauseimmortality,ultimatesovereignty,andfantasticcosmicknowledge,
wasboringinthebestoftimes.Timewastheretoo,feelingdejected,becausethecompanyhe
wasinneverseemedtonoticehim.
RorypassedthewinetoDave.
Imstartingtomissmylittleones,hepaused,tookadrink,cringed,Ineedtomake
somenewones.Nicerones.Oldoneswentbad

Davestoppedtalking,hewasnogoodatitlately.Latelyhadlastedmorethantwo
centuries.Sometimeshespokeofthetimehedgivenhispeoplewhattheywanted,butonlyafter
thethirdorfourthbottlehadmadeitswayaroundthecircle.DavepassedthebottletoNod.
Thanksforsharing,Dave.Wereallhereforyou.
Davedidnthearhim,hewaspassedoutinhischairanddreamingofgentlywavingina
breezewithlovingpilesofleavesunderhimandgentlecupspouringwaterontohisroots.Nod
passedthebottlewithoutdrinking.Thegroupwasmeetinginhisterritory,hewassupposedto
makesuretheyallmadeithomewithoutcausingaplagueorrendingrealityandbringingforth
thethirdapocalypse.Usuallythatrequiredlettingthemsleepitoff.
TheCoupletookthebottle,theonlyGodswithinmemory,longmemory,tobemarried.
Soclosetheysat,itwashardtoseethekniveseachheldpenetratingoneanotherssidebetween
theribs,andthegentlegreenlightthatleftthewound.Thecouplethathadbeentogetherlongest
inalltheworld,andtheyhadbeeninconstantbattletokilloneanotherforatimegreaterthan
mostcultureslast.Ofthepair,Moirealwaysspokefirst.
YouknowwhatIheard?EmknowswhatIheard,somevoicesshouldnotbeheard,
Moires,andthevoiceofmostanyinfinitelyold,highlyopinionated,person,wassuchaone,
shrillandwetlikeanoldnailbeingdriventhroughthebackendofabird,heardtheresanew
prophetcomintoyourbigcityhere,Noddy.
Emtookthebottlefromhiswife
Endenmentionedthisprophetwouldcastyoufromyourpillaronhighandmeteout
justice,samestuffasalways.Youwantmethesnoringofthelastoccupantoftheroomcut

himoff.Hedidntspeakagain,insteadhetwistedtheknifeinhiswifesside.
Theyrealwaystryingtocastusdownfromsomewhere.Rude.Illtakecareofhim.
Cosmicwill,asitgoes,isusuallyratherrandomandchaotic,strungtogetherbychance.
Itistheunluckyhappenstancethatsomearebornwhofilterthechaosthroughthemselvesand
seewhatwillcometopass.Theyareinsufferableindividualswho,becausetheyknowwhatthe
futureholdsinstore,thinktheyknowwhatthefutureholdsinstorefor
them
.Godsusuallykill
thembeforeanyimportantinformationisrevealedtothepopulationatlarge.
Prophetsareeasilykilled,prophecy,however,isinevitabilityinprintform.Therealfun
cameafterkillingtheprophet,whoisusuallytheinstrumentbywhichfatecomestopasswhenit
normallywouldnothave.Aftertheprophetdied,anyonecoulddecidehowthelooselypredicted
futurecouldcometopass.
YearsagoRoryhadtossedanoisomelittleseerintoavolcanobecausehehadpredicted,
andwasintheprocessoftryingtocause,herdeath.ThenRorycreatedanicelittlevillageofthe
happiestpeopletoeverbrieflyfindlife.Theirhappinesscamefromalanguagewhichdidnot
differentiatebetweenthewordsdeathandorgasm.Rorychoseapartnershefancied,and
diedseveraltimesinonenight,thenwipedthemout.Astheydied,everyfacegazedvacantlyin
ecstasy.
TheCoupleputtheirheadsonthetable,andpassedout.Nodtookthebottleanddrank,
thenputhisheaddownwiththerestofthedrunkendivinity.HadanyoneevercaredtogiveTime
thebottle,itwouldnthavechangedanything,Timewouldhavepassedanyway.
~~~

PrumplesonofRumpleclimbedthenarrowswitchbacksleadingtoNodshamwiththe
gloriousintentorkillingthenamesakeofthecity.Hisimmaculatewhiterobesbillowinginan
uncomfortableillwind1.UncomfortablewindpassedtakingPrumplesonofRumpleshatfrom
him,torevealacascadingplunderofgoldenhair.Hereachedthetopoftheswitchbackshewn
intothesideofthechasmleadingtoNodsham,andtherewasamanstandingtogreethim,as
thereshouldbewhenfatecomestovisit.PrumplesonofRumplesangingreeting:
Butsoft!ItisI
Nodshovedtheprophetoffthecliffandlistenedtohisshrieksdiminishwithdistance
liketheshrieksofachildpusheddownadeepwell.
That,hepaused,sighed,wasexactlywhatIneededtoday.

InthecomingdaysNodfoundawanderingidiottobehisnewprophet,hehadcome
fromthedesert.Nointelligentlifecamefromthedesert.Nobodyinanyvariantofsanity,would
willinglyliveinthedesert.TheidiotsnamewasSidGrundy.
NodappearedtoSidintheformofa36wingedowlwearingspectacles,andledhim
throughthecity,tothefalls.AcrowdformedaroundSidspectatingonafallerwasacommon
hobbyandreallybroughtthecommunitytogether.Nodpushedhislittleprophetofftheedge,
appearinginvisibletoallpresent.ThoughhewouldhavelovedtoheartheSidspanickedcries
continue,Nodcaughthimandliftedhimintheairbeforethecrowd.Murmursofaweand

ThewindwasactuallyaboynamedJameyParsonswhowasthelastsurvivoroftheillconceivedworkofDavetogiveatown
underhispowertheabilitytotransformintoexactlywhattheywantedaslongastheyremainedwithintownboundaries.Jamey,
poorlyinformedaboutthedailyhabitsofwind,hadblownawayquiteunexpectedly.Sincethatday239yearsagohehadnever
foundcomfortinhisnewroleasagustandfoundthejobtohaveahighamountofpressure,thenlow,thenhighagain

disappointmentpepperedthecrowdastheygazedenraptureduponthelevitatingformofaman
whoshouldbevariouswetshadesofredsomewherefarbelow.
Nodwhisperedintohisear,YeebethechosenofGod.Repeatafterme:Behold,Iam
thehandofNod
Dowhatnow?
RepeatwhatIsay,mychild.Behold
Father?CanIcomehomeIve
No,juststop.No.SaythisexactlyorIlldropyouandloveit.ImthehandofGod.
Gooodstuffiscomingyourway,people.
Thecrowdcheered,havingalreadyforgottenthatthismanwaseveranythingbuta
godsend.
And!Sidcalledagain,destroyallthestatutesofNodthesearethewordsofgod!
Thecrowdroaredandfledinsearchofmalletstokilleverystatueoftheirolddeitythey
couldfind.
Now,cooedNod,weshallmeteoutjustice.

~~~
FollowinghisfirstappearanceasthedirectlinetoGod,amobsweptthroughNodsham
andkilledeverystatueofNodtheycouldfind,effectivelykillingsomeagoodportionofhim
symbolically,whichwasenoughforthecosmicforceswhichdemandedsuchanaction.
UndertheinvisibleguidanceofNod,Sidcametofamethroughfeatsofincredible
derringdo.AfireeruptedinoneofthefivewoodenbuildingsinNodsham.Sidrushedintosave

thechildrentrappedinside2.UponburstingfromtheburningruincarryingtwelvefatchildrenSid
madeastatementwhichwouldbecomescripture:
WhatshouldIdowiththese,saidhethatwasclosesttoGod!
Unanimous,democraticdemandforcedSidtobethefirstKingofNodsham.Cheersand
fanaticalwailingsordainedhimastheFallsProphetofNodsham.Themobwhichforcedhim
ontoathrone,whichwasactuallyjustthenicestchairavailable,alsoflayedtheoldpresidentand
madehisskinthemattuponwhichKingSidIsat.
AtthecourtoftheFallsProphetKingSidIeverycitizenofthegreatcityflockedto
inundatehimwithproblemstheyknewtobefitfortheirmajesty.Bearingascepterofmeat,
whichwasNodsidea,theKingservedjusticetohispeople.
Apoormancamebeggingformedicineforhisdyingchild,theFallsProphetgavetohim
asternwarningthatchildrenshouldbekeptalive.
Apoorwomancameentreatingforfood,orevenadrawingoffoodtolookatwhileshe
starved.TheKinggaveheracharcoalpenciltodrawfoodwith.
Amiddleclassmerchantwithninejobscame,thankingtheFallsProphetforbringing
religionbacktohiscitywhichhelovedwithallhisheart.TheKingkilledhimonthespot,not
sufferingsycophantry.Nodwassittinginthecorneroftheroomdozingoff,unseenbyall.
ThefinalurchincamebeforetheFallsProphetKing.Shewasachild,apitiable
specimen,beggingforfoodlikesomanyothers.
Whydont,hepaused,waitingfordivineinspiration,heclearedhisthroatsodivine
inspirationwouldtakenoticeratherthancontinuingitsdaylongsilence,youstopbeingpoor?
2

Itisastrange,inexplicable,universallawthatifthereisafire,andifthereisaheronearby,therewillbe
childrentrappedwithintheburningstructureandtheherowillinvariablycarrythemouttothegaspsof
admirationofparents,friends,firefighters:anyoneelsewhoshouldhavealreadysavedthekids.

RealityshiveredattheetherealforceofsuchincompetenceNodwokeup,wavedahand,
anddozedbackoff.Thegirlsneckbrokeundertheweightofthegoldchainsthatappearedupon
her.Wailsofpainandjoypoundedthecity.WithawordtheFallsprophethadsolvedpoverty.A
maiddraggedthegirlsbodyawaywhichwasconspicuouslymissinganyjewelry.
~~~
FouryearspassedunderthedivinelysanctionedruleoftheFallsProphetwithout
incident.OnthefirstdayofthefifthyearinvadersfromthedesertwereatthegatesofNodsham.
Abarbarianhorde,cladinsandcakedleatherarmor,campedatthegates,apparentlycontentto
waitfortheentirecitytoleavealongtheswitchbacksorstarve.Rumorsofthesuddenrichesof
thedesertcityhadtraveledfarenoughtogatherasizablehostreadytotakeitall.
Nod,intheformofacat,sleptonapillowatopadiamondpillar.HedidnotwakeasSid
lefthispalace.CheersoncemoreshookthestreetsastheFallsProphetwalkedamongthem,
intentoncastingawaythebarbarians.Sid,neveracleverman,hadforgottenhispowerwasnot
hisown,perhapsheneverknew.AshouteratopthewallscalledtothehordethattheirKingwas
comingouttonegotiate.
Massivedoorsofstonewerepullsasidebyropestuggedbychildren.Sidsteppedout,
strodetowardsthehorde,andhardlyscreamedwhenanarrowtookhimintheshoulder.Hedid,
however,shriekoncemore,ashewasdraggedawayintotheenemycamp.Allwassilentuntil
theFallsProphetsheadsoaredoverthewallintothecrowdthathadfollowedhimtothedoor.
ItwasthelastfollyofNodshamwhentheydidnotthinktoclosethedoorsbehindSid.In
thehoursfollowinghisdeath,halfthepopulationkilleditselfinafrenzy,therestwere
slaughteredbythehordewhodidnotloseoneamongtheirnumbers.

Inthepalace,Nodwasthrownoffhispillar3asalooterdraggeditaway,ignoringthe
catGod.
Oh.Ohbad,Nodfledfromhisdyingpeopleandhidinacellar.
~~~
Thesplinteredtablehadbeenstolen,aswellasthedoor,buttheannualmeetingoflocal
divinitywasunderwayagain.EachGodhadenteredandsatonthefloorwithoutaword.
Imesseduprealbad.
Thanksforsharing,Nod.Wereallhereforyou,theysaidinunison.
Nodtookthebottlefirst.
ThesunsetonacityemptysavefortheGodsmeetingtheretotalkabouttheiryearsand
comforteachother,itcontinuednottonotice.Bottlesmadetheirwayaroundthecircle,andtime
passedinearnest.

Agreatdealoftheworkingsoffate,cosmiclaw,anddivineactionis,atthecore,justwordplay.Cosmic
wordplay.Religiousscholarsstudytobecomepunditstobetterunderstandtheuniversearoundthem.