The Victorian AgeFamily &

Etiquette
ELAINE DECKER & GWENDOLYN MOSIER

Victorians Over All

They took rules very seriously.
Perfectionists
Most used manuals for help on etiquette
Manuals later turned into household advice
Money, wealth, and material goods didnt guarantee

that they would make it to The Most Divine Society

Victorians Over All

To the Victorians, things such as handkerchiefs, fans,

and etc. were as meaningful as the flowers, jewelry,

and etc. they were given.
Diamond=innocence

Education
Social living and decorum was a part of their

learning curriculum
Was needed for success, social standing, and needed
to enter the upper class
Books on conduct rules for women and men were
available
Mothers sometimes taught their children to read and
write while the fathers would teach their sons Latin
As children grew older, governesses and tutors were
hired
Boys could be sent away to school

 Manuals,
The Habits of Good Society: A handbook of

Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen

The Essential Handbook of Victorian Etiquette
A Guide to the Manners, Etiquette, and Deportment
of the Most Refined Society
These manuals helped define the etiquette that
should be used for weddings, table manners,
engagements, etc.)

 & The Art of Conversation.

Highly regarded because of their way of entertaining

and leisure
Social lives would include teas, dances (balls),
visiting friends and family, going on walks, sports,
etc.
If you didnt converse well then you wouldnt have
very many friends or social invitations

 & The Art of Conversation.

Ladies manners were judged by their upbringing and

reflected their class status

Shrewd men and women, who had good manners
and etiquette, were able to marry wealthy husbands/
wives. Most did this to repay huge debts they had.
Conversations werent mostly talking; They were a
mixture of taking turns talking and listening

 & The Art of Conversation.

The kind of manners a lady had were judged and

paired with another man at the same level as her

Women who didnt value their education, manners,
and etiquette often didnt marry of didnt marry off
well.

Etiquette Over All

Unless already invited to dance, women were not

allowed to turn down men if they requested a dance

from them.
You must clean your shoes correctly before going to a
private residence
Men walking with a women should carry her things
for her

Etiquette Over All

Your back should never be turned to another if you

havent asked to be excused

When you were on your way to visit a ceremony,
bringing kids or pets was vulgar unless it was to visit
familiar friends

Etiquette of Women
The Basics
Stand up when you introduce yourself to someone
Girls would curtsey and men would bow
Never turn your back to someone; ask to be excused
Emotions had to be hidden because people always
assumed the best in people

Etiquette of Women
People without manners/ bad manners were never

socialized with
Needed to have a positive attitude
They were not to discuss the prices of items because
in those days it was considered bad taste.

Etiquette of Women
They were to be grateful for the compliments they

receive and return compliments as well.

Women were to always find some way of bettering
themselves whether it be mentally, physically or
intellectually.

Etiquette of Women
Bad language and the use of slang was frowned

upon
Not to show affection to other women in public
places
Gossip was not acceptable
They were required to have a manual about
etiquette protocol

Etiquette of Women
Appearance
No came down to breakfast in their bedtime attire
A womans hair was always up in a bonnet unless
they were still young
Dressed modestly and with girly colors as well as
lace, beads, and ribbons
Womens beauty should be natural

Etiquette of Women
Posture & Poise
Women were taught how to carry themselves, lift
their dresses, how to stand, sit, walk, and how to take
the arm of a man escorting them
They were taught to have poise and to gesture gently
and to never be in a hurry
This was thought as part of a womans beauty

Etiquette of Women
Proper Female Conduct
After having acquaintance with someone of lower
rank they could still cut ties with them if they so
wished.
Single women were to never go outside unchaperoned

Etiquette of Women
While at home, a women and unmarried man could

not be alone in a room together. A relatives needed to

be present at all times.
They werent to stare or take another glance at
someone
Men and women of no relation werent to ride in
closed carriages together

Etiquette of Women
Impure conversations were not to be held around

single women
Future wives were expected to be innocent and have
no sexual contact before marriage
Lastly, it was considered improper to them to dance
with the same man more than three times at a
gathering.

Etiquette of Women
Women had to be chaperoned at gatherings such

dances, to make sure nothing improper or

impure happened, by either by their mothers or by
other single women.
While at the gathering they are attending, unless
asked by a gentleman to dance, women were not to
leave their chaperones at any time.

Etiquette of Women
For women, overall, their jobs were marriage and

possibly charity work

When women made and acquaintance with a man
they were to bow

Etiquette of Gentlemen
They were to stand when a lady enters the room and

stand when the lady leaves.

While riding, sitting, standing, or walking with a
woman, men werent allowed to take off their coat.
Women could not be asked to dance by a man who
wasnt wearing a coat
Men needed to watch things such as who they tipped
and bowed to, when they smoked, etc.

Etiquette of Gentlemen
When walking in the streets of the city, men had to

life their hats and say excuse me if they brushed a

lady even by accident.
When they held a conversation with a lady they were
to remove their hats
Men were to walk on the outside of any ladies he was
walking with.

Courtship (Dating)
Courtship is like dating, but with proper etiquette!
Women could turn down their first proposal since
marriage was a huge commitment for women.
If the wife outlived her husband, her father would
have already created her a jointure which would
take care of her

Courtship (Dating)
Once business aspects were taken care of the

engagement followed right after; Mothers of the

soon-to-be-bride was to through a dinner for the two.
When engagements were official the couple was
allowed to become more intimate (with rules of
course)

Courtship (Dating)
Once any of the rules were broken the engagement

would most likely be called off; the girl would be

looked as dishonorable and become a spinster

Marriage Ability
Young women and girls learned their educations

from their mother

Believed the way to obtain a husband was to charm
them with good manners and become good wives.
Believed that once a woman married, she was to take
care of her husband for the rest of their lives.

Marriage Ability
If a woman didnt marry, she was considered to be a

burden on her family and it was their responsibility

to take care of her
Ladies were always first and men performed chivalry
acts towards women
It was rude to boast or brag; women always had to be
humble

Wedding
After the wedding it was customary for the couple to

be called upon by the friends and family. When this

happened, there would be cake and wine to celebrate
the marriage and the friends and family would
bestow wishes of health and happiness to the couple.
The bride was never to be alone, even if her husband
was present. This was thought to be immoral

& Marriage
If your wife died you were not to marry her sister;

until the 19th century, however, you could marry her

first cousins
Victorians should marry up and not down (in classes)
In order for the marriage to happen the soon-to-be
husband had to prove he could afford his wife

 & Marriage
Husbands took control of their wifes money and

property; if the women is unmarried it all went to

them once they turned 21
Women had limited options when it came to
marriage; they married men for financial support as
well as possibly have kids.

Divorce
Women could only divorce their husbands when they

committed adultery.
Even though they could use adultery as a way to
divorce their husband, they had to prove they were
engaged in incest or cruel

Divorce
Men were thought to take care of their wives and

cheating was acceptable. For women if you cheated it

was thought as disrespectful to the care of their
husbands
Laws changed in the mid-19th century so divorce was
acceptable to both men and women

Divorce

PPPPPP

Women didnt like to divorce their husbands though

because they thought it was a way to seek

independence from their families even though their
husbands controlled everything
Divorce was extremely expensive and wasnt socially
or economically practical
Divorce ruined familys strengths and wealth
When a spouse divorced the other, families went
broke

Family Life
Mother
spent time calling friends and planning events
didnt cook, clean, or take care of the household
believed that children must be taught the difference
between right and wrong
also believed it was right to raise decent children

Family Life
Father
head of the house
children gave him respect and he was often called
Sir
made the money in the family

Family Life
Children
saw very little of their parents
brought us by the nanny
spent most of their time in the nursery
expected to rise early because sleeping in was
thought to be both lazy and sinful

Family Life
at the end of the day, children were usually allowed

downstairs for an hour

when the children were fully grown up, the boys went
to work right away and the girls stayed with their
mothers until they were eligible to marry off

Servants.
only upper and middle class families had help in

their households
butler waited on the family and answered the door
cook was responsible to buy and cook the food and
was helped by scullery maids
maids were responsible for cleaning

Servants.
Servants had to learn etiquette as well
Servants: Must use the terms maam and sir and

must never look maam in the eye

 & Nannies
nanny was responsible for taking care of the

children, getting them dressed, giving them

medicine, and teaching them how to respect their
elders
people would work as servants because they were
given a place to live as well as were paid 50

Working Class
afraid of ending up in the workhouse
workhouses split families up, gave them uniforms,

and cut their hair short

many people, especially children, died from diseases
such as scarlet fever and measles
Lower class didnt pay attention to etiquette
The lower class=Invisible

Upper Class
Upper class: Rules on what to wear and proper forms

of address
Upper and Upper-middle class: Their lives were
surrounded by dos and donts. One little mistake
and their reputation could be ruined