Willardson 1

Ashley Willardson
Ms. Parker
English 11.1
27 March 2015
Word Count: 887
The Effects of Shame and Blame on Teenage Behavior
Shame and blame are two products of frustration that all of us have experienced. We have
all been made to feel embarrassed about something that weve done, and weve all been accused
for something that we didnt do. There have also been times when weve made those around us
feel uncomfortable because of their mistakes or weve falsely accused someone else. Most likely,
we encountered these feelings when we were a young child, and our parents were trying to teach
us what was and was not acceptable behavior. Many parents turn to shame and blame because
they are not physically violent and they often appear to result in external obedience, but are
ultimately harmful to the development of children and teenagers because they result in a
lowering of self-esteem and withdrawal from relationships. Shame and blame are methods of
discipline employed to produce a desired change in behavior. However, the effects of shame and
blame are extremely detrimental to relationships.
Blame is something that we are all familiar with. No one likes being held responsible for
something they had no control over. We usually dont even like to be held responsible for things
that we are responsible for. Because we dislike being blamed so much, we do whatever we can to
avoid it. Often our actions operate around either gaining something pleasurable and avoiding
something unpleasant (MacYoung). Blaming might lead to some compliance, merely to prevent
further accusation. While blaming looks like it is making a child more obedient, it really is not.

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The child is not obeying because they want to or because they think they should: they only want
to avoid the blame. As soon as the blame is gone, the behavior will be gone also.
Blaming also causes children to become more distant with their parents because
people will actively go out of their way to avoid dealing with an identified blamer or to keep
interactions to a minimum (MacYoung). Parents should not use blame as a way to discipline
their children because it creates negative feelings toward the parents. When a child grows older
and more independent, they may be rebellious as a way to spite parents for previous blaming.
In addition to blame, shame is another damaging method of correction. Shame is a
fundamental sense of inadequacy (Namka). It penetrates very deep, and ultimately decreases
the self-esteem of the child. Shame operates by giving children a negative image about their
selvesrather than about the impact of their behavior (Grille). Rather than focusing on the
person, shaming focuses on the action. It remains as a negative force and the person goes
through life with a nagging belief of not measuring up (Namka). Shame doesnt go away over
time. It accumulates and becomes a self-image. When a person is repeatedly shamed, the things
they hear become self-criticism and eventually become how they see themself (Miller). What
they hear their parents say to them becomes what they say to themself. This is devastating to a
childs sense of worth.
It is a common misconception that shaming is an effective way to influence children to
change. One psychologist said, We are nave to confuse shame-based compliance with morally
motivated behavior. At best, repeated shaming leads to a shallow conformism, based on escaping
disapproval and seeking rewards. The child learns to avoid punishment by being submissive and
compliant. The charade of good manners is not necessarily grounded in good behavior

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(Grille). Shaming doesnt produce true changes in behavior. The child being shamed simply does
whatever they can to avoid further shaming (Namka).
Another tragic effect of shame is the resistance to trusting relationships that it implants in
children (Grille). When parents use shaming as a way of disciplining their children, they are
pushing their child away. The child will be afraid to communicate their real feelings with their
parents because they dont want to be made to feel ashamed of them. The child is also insecure
forming other relationships, because they dont want anyone to know how ashamed they really
feel. As a protection to themself against further shaming, they hide their emotions and are
reluctant to share ideas because theyre afraid of the feelings of shame that it might produce.
Shaming and blaming are often overlooked as harmful ways to discipline children. They
lower feelings of self-esteem and produce fear of open relationships. However, there are many
ways parents can teach their children in a safe and nurturing environment where the child doesnt
have to be afraid of shame or blame. When parents allow children to make their own decisions,
they are encouraging independence (Namka). This doesnt mean that children should be able to
do whatever they want without consequences, parents should address the mistakes of the child
without making the child feel ashamed. Children still need rules to follow. It is important that
parents are respectful to their children because [r]ole modeling is the most powerful teaching
tool. Children dont do what you say, they do what you do. Children need to be shown respect
so that they see the importance of respecting others (Grille). If children are shown consistent
boundaries and are able to express their feelings and needs in a trusting and respectful way
they will grow up with stronger self-worth and social awareness, free from the toxic effects of
shame (Grille).