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CHAPTER 11

Issue 1

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November, 2014

Hunter Stormed in Celebration of Bastille Day


By Noah Amsel, Staff Writer
The summer sun shone brightly last July on Francophones and
history enthusiasts alike coming together on Bastille Day to commemorate
the beginning of the French Revolution with berets, crpes, and tricolour
flags and a bloodthirsty, all-out assault on Hunter College High School.
July 14 marked the 225th anniversary of the 1789 uprising, when
disaffected Parisians conducted their raid on the feudal Bastille prison, a
former castle, in search of munitions. The day became a French national
holiday in 1880, celebrated annually with a grand parade on the Champslyses and, this year, down Madison Avenue as well. People were very
enthusiastic, said neighborhood resident Leslie Johnson. We were all
eager to show our pride and support for France with this tradition, she
continued, wiping a bloody cutlass on her sleeve, especially when we
spotted those high, stone walls and crenelated towers. Other celebrants
reported similar experiences. One observed, There was something heavy
in the aira real sense of patriotism and mutual respect between nations
on this historic anniversary. It was palpable with every breath. Wait,
never mind, he quickly added, that must have been the smell of Hunter
High Schools burning wreckage. The event, sponsored by Le Pan de
Quotidien, began around noon. Spectators report that a large crowd
gathered outside Hunters Madison Avenue gate bearing torches,
pitchforks, and bottles of Merlot. The mood was very festive, reported
Claude Girard, a participant in the celebration. People brought food to
share and sang some classic French songs together. We couldnt wait for
the pillaging to begin!
Continued on Page 4 >>

Baby Poops Pants in Political Protest


By Lucas Katz, Layout Editor
In a world where political unrest seems to be a growing trend, fourmonth old Jeremy Barwin has made a statement that marks a monumental
change in the way future generations will protest for their basic human
rights . On Sunday, October 19th, Jeremy pooped his pants. It was the
poop heard round the world as parents everywhere scrambled to appease
the budding political revolutionary. David Barwin, Jeremys father, said
Hes pooped his pants before, but not like this. There was something
different. Something angry. When I looked down at his face while I lay
him on the changing table in an Arbys bathroom, he was almost saying I
want change, and I want it now. When asked for a quote Jeremy burped
and then promptly fell asleep. He is truly a visionary of his time and a
leader in the pursuit of popularist led democracy.

Seventh Grade Fighting


Ring Exposed.
See page: No

Hunter Student Killed


in Freak Calculator
Incident
See page: A

He had no idea doing


that to her would have
that kind of effect
See Page: 8008

The Ill Slang: New Slang to Look Out for In 2015


By Caroline Yang, Editor in Chief
1. MonSuckensday, n. (Mn-kn-d)- The day of the week no one tells you about. It fits right
between Sunday and Monday. Also known as the day of anything but rest and is usually
whiled away with homework and procrastination. (e.g. Dont write your essay today--save that
for MonSuckensday!)
2. Dibarfious, adj. (DI-brph-ez) - The quality of being so awful as to make the observer barf
not once, but twice. (e.g. The Scarlet Letter is dibarfious.)
3. Corridork, n. (cki-Dor) - Playful derogatory for someone sitting in the hallway during
official, frantically doing homework for his or her 3rd period class. (e.g. Look at all these
corridorks doing their prelabs, haha.)
4. GG, n. ()- Gourmet Garage. Disambiguation: Gossip Girl, the greatest television drama to
grace The CW.
5. Adrian East, n. / exclamation (adRin y) - The baby clothes store that recently opened on
96th and Madison. To be used inexplicably and unnecessarily, preferably taking the place of
something useful, like a pizza place or coffee shop. (e.g. Wow, I sure am hungry. Maybe we
can stop and get a slice at ADRIAN EAST!
6. Losing-your-mindcraft, v. (t )- The onset of anger you experience when you see
someone playing Minecraft in the computer lab when all youre trying to do is type up your
term paper bibliography. (I swear to Gaga if I see one more person playing games in the
computer lab Im going to lose-my-mindcraft.)
7. Fetch
8. Snaptrayal, n. (p-yl)- When someone you thought you could trust screenshots your
Snapchat. Encompasses the ensuing feels. (Jodie: That was such a Snaptrayal, Betty. You
didnt have to post the screenshot on Facebook! Random person walking by: Jodie, how do
you make your face into that shape?)

Pressure and Precocity in 7th Grade


By Sam Brochin, Staff Writer
As their inaugural year at Hunter
begins, the new batch of seventh graders are
already freaking out about the SATs. A line
of about thirty seventh graders was spotted
outside the counseling office, despite the
fact that seventh graders do not have
counselors and will not be applying to
colleges until 2019. If I dont study for this
test, then I wont do well with my scores,
and I wont get into a good college, and
then my whole life is ruined!, 7-5 student

Alyssa Johnson lamented, visibly sleepdeprived and clutching a thousand-page


practice textbook. Parents are mostly in
favor of the idea, in some cases even
convincing their kids to start this early. I
didnt really want to, but then my parents
came into my room and we had a long talk,
and long story short Ive visited over half of
the Big Ten by now, Griffin Roberts, part
of 7-8, confided to us. Some teachers dont
see what the fuss is about, like English

Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant

3
professor Mr. incenzo, who was heard
telling a fellow teacher that when I was
their age, I was taking my certification
exams for this job. If they want to take the
test, let them. At press time, the seventh

graders were heard groaning about low


acceptance rates and sighted grabbing
brochures from Yale, MIT, Stanford, and
Michigan.

Obituary: Eternal President Dies in Tragic Accident


By Ceci Silberstein, ManagingEditor
Siberia On October 10, 2014, sixty nine
years after the founding of the Workers
Party of Korea, Kim Il-Sung, Eternal
President of the Democratic Peoples
Republic of Korea, perished in far eastern
Russia. In 1994, it was reported that the
Great Leader had died of a sudden heart
attack, but ladimir olgashtyn, who has
asked to remain anonymous, told Chapter
11 that former North Korean President Kim
Il-Sung had been supervising a logging
gulag in Siberia since August of that year.
We werent sure it was really him when he
first took over, for everyone said he was
dead. I think it was the sporadic mass
killings which eventually gave him away.
Twenty years after his arrival at the
camp, Mr. Kims body was found in a river

by Chegdomyn, Siberia. Reports from the


morgue say that the Eternal President
drowned while logrolling.
Prisoners of the gulag say that for
years the Great Leader ruled with an iron
fist, but also with a spark of personality.
During the day he would dress in plaid and
suspenders like every other comrade,
reported one emaciated logger, but what I
remember most is that the Great Leader
would go into town every Wednesday for
shopping excursions and would come back
in heels. Witnesses say that when the
former Great Leaders body was recovered,
he was wearing one of his favorite pairs:
red, sequined, and three inches tall.

APPLE PRODUCT REVIEW


By David Soleki
A line of people crowded stretched the city blocks of New York last week, many setting
up tents and Toasting smores, as faithful apple followers lined up to get the new iPhone 7.
Apple has added many new features to the iPhone, the biggest being its 12 inch screen display,
which is almost big as an iPad. When Chapter 11 spoke to Apple's CEO about this, he said
"Well, it's simple reasoning. People love bigger screens. People aren't really using their phones
to call people anymore, and it now won't make it look weird when I carry a man purse anymore.
Haha, in your face Samsung! Samsung are unveiling their Galaxy S6 to be 11.5 inches. The
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant

4
iPhone 7 also appeals to parents. Due to its large size, it will help parents identify whether their
teenage kids are texting in bed due to its inability to hide efficiently. Hunter's principal is
particularly excited about the new iPhone, as he quotes "The new big screen might be enough to
turn this abandoned armory into an abandoned armory with fake windows. I hope it will be
enough to fool the NYC Buildings Department. Also, if you think texting in bed will be hard,
try texting in class. Try it, I dare you. Apple also released iOS 8.1. It is loaded with cool
features like AppLock for all apps, new emojis, and ability to talk to Siri while multitasking,
and more for only 15.8 GB of space. Its so cool! one student quotes, l mean like, it keeps
crashing and I never have enough space for apps. That means it must be so complicated and the
best iOS yet!Apple have also unveiled the iCarryMyPhoneBag, a $300 bag meant to hold and
protect your new iPhone, and when Chapter 11 asked for the reasoning behind this, Apples
CEO said Well, anything with the Apple logo looks cool. Available in 6 different colors! Also,
Im finally going to be a trendsetter.

Hunter Stormed in Celebration of Bastille Day, from Page


Then, at 12:47 P.M., a young boy mounted a
makeshift platform in the center of the street.
The crowd counted down with anticipation, and
he ceremoniously cast a sharpened baguette
into the courtyard, where it struck and
unsuspecting security guard in the chest. We
all shouted ive la France! and threw
whatever we could find over the wall, Girard
recalled.

I fart in your
general
direction!

celebrants scaled the towers and breached the


Madison Avenue gate. Before long, Hunter was
overrun. Everyone found alive within the
building was rounded up, locked in the gym,
and forced to listen to accordion music for
hours. The towers were razed and their bricks
used to build a three-story replica of the Eiffel
Tower in the courtyard. Hunter French teachers
were spotted among the crowd battering down
the door to the main office and driving halberds
through student lockers. Once the building had
been completely sacked, it was set ablaze. As
night fell, participants from all around the
neighborhood gathered for proud rendition of
the French national anthem as they toasted
their croissants on the flames. Participants
were quick to assure us that during the
celebration, no one set foot on the senior steps,
because its not cool to shit on Hunter
traditions like that.

As the security staff on duty were


pilloried with garlic and pungent Roquefort,
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant

5
NFL Player Banned for Life After Testing Positive for DayQuil
By Lucas Katz, Layout Editor
in the NFL and partaking in any NFL activities
effective immediately. After testing positive for
DayQuil, which had been recently added to the
banned drug policy of the NFL, Schmoney
Whylin was immediately suspended and had
awaited his judgment. Goodell stated, We do
not tolerate drug use of any kind. Theres no
room for that kind of criminal offense in our
league. If theres anything I value its integrity.
Schmoney had this to say, Dayum man,
people blowing up your spot when you just
tryna get rid of a cold. In other NFL news
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
Clementine Cot has been reinstated from his
announced yesterday in a press conference that
two day suspension after a thorough
Schmoney Whylin, the starting RB for the New
investigation of his brutal murder of four
York Jets, would be officially banned from
kidnapped children
playing

Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant

Conspiracy Theories With Romy Negrin


Why Amazon Will Rule the World
When was the last time you bought something on Amazon? Dont lie to yourself if youre getting
nervous about your online shopping sprees based on the title of this article. Admit it: theres something so
perfect about a website that has everything you could ever want. I agree. Just around a fortnight ago (yes, I use
the word fortnight. Deal with it.) I ordered three pairs of tights online, and they showed up! Its like magic.
But, besides wearing articles of clothing that make my legs look purple (tights are so much easier and way more
socially acceptable than paint), I find great joy in conspiracy theorizing. So, heres my latest theory: Amazon is
going to bring about the collapse of and then take over our economy.
Now, you might say to yourself, How did you jump to this conclusion? Good question! Think about it.
Who would scour real stores when amazon just brings it right to your doorstep in 5-7 business days? So,
assuming that youre spending all your money on
amazon, how do the real stores get paid? Why do you
think so many places have gone out of business?
We all know the basic principles of supply and
demand. Supply of something goes up,
suddenly nobody wants it. Supply goes down,
suddenly the demand is crazy. And of course,
the supply will go up again to meet the demand,
which has then moved on to something else
with less supply. There is only one major online
shipping company (as far as I know of),
so demand is really high, but the supply that
amazon has is great enough and varied
enough that it can meet the demand
constantly, as opposed to making the
demanders kill each other for just a little bit
of the supply while the suppliers
make/ship in more of said supply. But,
there still is the moderately large
supply of real stores. There cant be
two equally big supplies! If you
just thought that youd be correct! I
mean, I hope so, or else were
both wrong. Well youd be
relatively correct! Which is
why the supply of real stores is
going down. Which is
hurting our economy. And guess
what will (probably) happen when the supply gets really low? The demand will climb rapidly. But all the former
store owners will not have enough money or self-confidence after amazon to rebuild their businesses. Which is
when amazon will swoop in and start building flagship stores, in addition to their online establishment. Then,
amazon will make all the money. Here we come to another supply/demand issue, this time involving employees.
The demand wont be that high, since amazon is a website and when they build flagship stores they shouldnt
require too many people to work in them, but the supply will be crazy! Everyone will have to form an Amazon
Insurgence Allegiance or something, to knock amazon off the top and rebuild real stores.
Im not going to say that the Amazon Apocalypse is as preventable as global warming, and that if we
each do our part, it wont happen. Im not going to ask you to stop shopping on amazon. Really, the concluding
point of this article is that, on the off chance that my theory is correct, it was I who prepared you for it. On the
off chance, heres a preemptive I told you so: I told you so.

Kim Jung Un To Star in Reboot of Kim Possible


By Noah Amsel, Staff Writer
Disney Channel representatives reported at a
press conference last week that, after a seven year
hiatus, Kim Possible will return this spring for a

fifth season. They also revealed that Christy Carlson


Romano, who voiced the title character in previous
seasons, will not rejoin the cast. Ms. Romano could

not be reached for comment, as she has been


purged. Executives say the decision to reboot the
popular animated program came after a surge of
interest last year, when ratings for Kim
Possible reruns and sales of Kim Possible lunch
boxes suddenly spiked. The rise in viewership
occurred shortly after the honorable Ministry of
Peoples Security implemented mandatory viewing
of the program in all reeducation camps, citing Ms.
Possibles fearless heroism in her service to the
people as a valuable example. The lunch boxes are
being kept in storage until someone in the country
can find food to fill them. The beloved Supreme
Leader Kim Jung Un disappeared for three weeks
this month, prompting broad speculation as to his
whereabouts.
In an eagerly awaited announcement,
sources close to the dear leader finally revealed on
Tuesday that the reason for Kims absence was that
he had been recording the voice of Kim. The dear
leader was an obvious choice, said Disney Channel
producer Harold Whitney, especially after he
ordered that Kim Possibles face look exactly like
his. Our dear leader has proved himself a
distinguished actor time and time again, Bob
Harrison, director of the upcoming season, agreed.
From when he told the people that South Koreans
shoot anyone crossing the border, to when he
pretends as if the U.S. is preparing an invasion of
North Korea, to basically whenever anything is
coming out of his shit-spewing mouth, examples of
the dear leaders remarkable skill at acting abound.

By Alexa Bren and Maya Von Zeigesar

But Mr. Kims influence on the new


episodes went beyond his role as a voice actor.
When the dear leader met with us, recalled
Whitney, he was full of good ideas. For example:

Why not replace Doctor Drakken with villains we


can all recognize in our daily livesBarack Obama
and the U.N. Security Council?
In another brilliant move, Kim Possibles
bumbling boyfriend Ron has been replaced by
Dennis Rodman, who was thrilled and humbled to
have been cast for the role. I told you: never
underestimate Kim Jung Un, Rodman added.
What hes done with this show is just
incredible.As excitement builds for Kim Possibles
return to the air, Nickelodeon is rumored to be in
talks with Syrian officials about new project
titled Sponge Bashar.

Performance Artist Defends His Craft


By Caroline Yang, Editor in Chief,
NEW YORK CITY -- Chapter 11 correspondents
were contacted early last week by Gerald Spacey, a
local performance artist bent on clearing the name
of his craft once and for all. He invited us down to
Union Square Park to experience some of his work
firsthand and we gladly accepted, leaping at any
chance to swing by the Designer Shoe Warehouse.
When we arrived, we encountered some difficulty
identifying Mr. Spacey -- but this, we discovered
later, was all part of the piece he was performing.
Soon after arriving my colleague was jumped from
behind by a seemingly-homeless individual
wielding a cucumber. The man began beating my
colleague over the head with the cucumber all the
while singing Defying Gravity from the
acclaimed musical Wicked. When a few cops took
notice of the scene, the man backed away,
introducing himself as Gerald Spacey. Thats just
the overture of the piece, Spacey panted as my

colleague hobbled away to take shelter in DSW.


Audience participation is a key aspect of my
performances--the raw fear, confusion, and
humiliation the overture elicits establishes the tone
upon which the rest of the piece depends, Spacey
elaborated.
The next part, Act I, is meant to shock onlookers
out of their cocoons of fabricated delusion in which
we all find ourselves, Spacey explained. At this
point he ran over to a stunned bystander and
vomited directly into her face. Shed your worldly
illusions! Transcend! Transcend! he shouted. At
this point a formidable mob was gathering, which
Spacey referred to as a pitiable embolism of
sheeple.
The rest of the performance involved an unfortunate
incidence of public defecation and, in Act XXII,
Spacey revealed that his name was in fact Tim

10

Greenshaw, a metamorphosis intended to expose the


dehumanizing consequences of social strictures in
the postmodern world. In Act XXIII Greenshaw
stated that in fact his name was Gerald Spacey and
asserted we were all fleshy drones enslaved by the
chains of the belief frameworks imposed by the
shadow-governments behind the machinery of the
military-industrial complex.

After a few more acts of projectile vomiting--I was


surprised he had anything left in his bowels at this
point--the performance was through. The artist
necessarily sacrifices his body, mind, and spirit to
his performance, and in doing so, he may change
the world, Spacey said, collapsing near a garbage
can. I hope you see now the value in the work I
and people like me undertake every day. Go forth
and enlighten the sheeple of the earth, O CrookBearer. Ars longa, vita brevis, Spacey concluded. A
somber illustration of Spaceys point came when he
then passed out on the sidewalk, looking as if he
might actually be dead.
After waiting for the ambulance to arrive I met up
with my colleague in DSW and we made a killer
purchase of some winter boots and a pair of
FitFlops.

Ghost of Thomas Hobbes


By Ceci Silberstein, Managing Editor
Malmesbury -- December 4th was a damp and dreary night in the
Western English countryside: quiet but for the groans of the measly
humans struggling under the weight of tortured existence. It was on this
night that Jack Lock and friends reported to the Royal Wootton Bassett
Police that a strange translucent figure was lurking outside the Potting
Shed Pub, howling. When Lock and company approached the nasty,
brutish, and short creature, it is reported that it immediately straightened
up assaulted the youths with vicious philosophical ramblings. Lock tells
Chapter 11, I truly believe that the man must have been oppressed for
some time, for there is no other explanation for his cruel and unusual
actions.
Chuck Mosnetquieu, a friend of Locks, agreed, saying, It is very
possible that society made him lose his humanity and left him in the
depraved state in which we found him. Never fear! Whatever plagued this

man can be eliminated, and


order restored through the
process of democratic
legislating. Police disagreed
with the young idealist
however, and the creature
was tried and slain. It was
only after its death that a
bright young officer by the
name of Levi Athan
recognized the creature as the
ghost of English philosopher
Thomas Hobbes. I and my
compatriots crushed him for
being an aberration, but it
seems that we were rash.

11

Even so, his life was a sacrifice for the greater structural stability of the
society. We all must make sacrifices.

Grade Dater
By Lucas Katz, Layout Editor,
The newest Hunter dating app has been officially released this
year. Its called Grade Dater and has already created 14 new Hunter
student relationships. Grade Dater takes students grades and using an
advanced logarithm, matches them up with students who have similar
grades. The creator of Grade Dater Rulian Josenblum had this to say,
Ever since FreshStart died out, Hunter has just been missing that big
thing that brings people together. And then one day I realized, what do
Hunter students love more than anything else in the world, talking about
their grades. So I created Grade Dater. Grade Dater has been a huge
success. Senior student Average Joe, a user of the app had this to say,
Since I came to Hunter Ive had trouble finding the right girl for me
because I didnt know whether their intelligence level matched mine, but
now with Grade Dater, finding that special someone is easier than ever!.

Vows
Two Seventh Graders *Officially* Started Dating Last Friday
For five weeks they claimed to have no feelings for one another, but it was no surprise when two
weeks ago he blurted out an invitation to see The Maze Runner. Based on information from
Google+ chat room histories, we give the relationship until next Tuesday.

to fix her. The feminist community will


be interviewing the couple with regards
to possible consent issues and incest.
That One Couple Has Been Making
Out in the Hallway for the Past
Month
They have not come up for air even
once this month, according to the
student whose locker is directly behind
them. The Duckies will be recruiting
both of them just as soon as they
unstick their faces.

November 20, 2014


New York -- Chevy Chase, an
authority on the former
dictators posthumous activities,
informs Chapter 11:
Generalissimo Francisco Franco
is still dead.
November12,2014
HunterCollegeHighSchool
SeventhGraderschildhood
innocenceofficiallydies.
November15,2014
Mr.EarnestHeimlichsdied15th
ofNovember,2014,causeof
death,choking.

Robotics Team Prodigy Weds iLene, the Artificial Intelligence He Created


He feels that she is the only being that both reaches his intellectual standards and laughs at his
repetitive jokes. She feels that he is the only one who truly understands her, and might even be able

In Recent Archeological Dig, Students Discover Cafeteria


By Lucas Katz, Layout Editor
In a recent archeological dig in the ancient
Cafeteria del Oro. Its really a dream come true to
ruins of Hunter College High School, the first and
have unearthed such an ancient and school wide
only castle to ever be allowed to become a school,
despised place. The head historian of the dig
Hunter students found something quite
Calvin Hobbes has been trying to discover what
extraordinary. They found a fully operational
possible events could have occurred in this ancient
cafeteria with staff and pleasantly clean seating
place. We Hunter Students really have no modern
th
arrangements. The leader of the dig, 12 grade
concept of what a Cafeteria is like. The historical
student Chet Michaels had this to say, Ive heard
community is just buzzing right now with possible
about the legends since I was in elementary school
uses for this ancient room. Some say that it was
but I never believed they were true. When I entered
used for sacrifices to the Gods of Procrastination.
my senior year second semester I realized that I
Another theory is that it was some sort of prison
really didnt have any obligations to anyone
where students would be sent to eat their meals and
anymore so I thought, hey, why not try and find La
sit in wallowing puddles of self-degradation and

12

loneliness. This most ridiculous theory Ive heard so


far though is that it was some sort of mess hall
where people would eat as communities or cliques
and then go to class. Ive never heard something
more preposterous. When Principal Fony Tisher
was informed of the new discovery he stood silent
and nodded, maintaining the calm and father-like

demeanor that he always has. Later that day


however, he was overheard speaking to Assistant
Principal Sisa Leigman. We have to shut down this
discover pronto, the cafeteria is the only place I can
go to get away from the students and be alone with
my thoughts.

Hawks Declared too Violent to be Hunters Mascot, Replaced With Doves


By Teddy Tawil, Staff Writer
When Hunter students returned to school on
September 5, they eagerly awaited the
announcement of a monumental change which
they had been promised. Bets had been taking place
over the summer. New windows are too obvious,
said Noah Amset. We thought maybe something
like a celebrity chef for the cafeteria, which would
be pretty awesome. Other people are thinking
something bigger, like a new geometry
textbook. his voice trailed off, Nah, that would
never happen. The shocking announcement? The
Hunters iconic mascot the hawk is no longer, and is
being replaced by its peaceful counterpart, the
Dove. Many of our kids are visual learners, said
Lee Weinberg of the counseling department. Many
kids come in to Hunter, and are now surrounded by
the symbol of the Hawk, a predator. It is an animal
known for its high I.Q., and snatching its smaller,
weaker prey before they are able to protect
themselves. Its mother kicks it out of her nest when
its only 6 weeks old. We think it creates a hostile
and intimidating environment here at our school.
We can do better.

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14

There were still some naysayers, however.


Really, a dove is not particularly intimidating,
said Peil Notter. The English Department was also
very saddened by the change. Dr. Ellen Anthony

lamented, Its not just the loss of the Hawk. Its


the loss of the literary device. How could we get rid
of the alliteration? For some, it is clear it will have
to be a mourning dove.

DR. LOONAM IS STUCK IN THE


HEADLIGHTS WITH LUCAS KATZ
Q: If you could physically destroy one thing in
Hunter, what would you destroy?
A: Theres this old platform in the one of the rooms
that I teach in, 210, its just in the way. Id like to
just break it in half. Just destroy it entirely. I think
its from the drama department. Dont get me
wrong, I definitely want the drama department to
have their platform, I just dont want it in front of
my blackboard. I could probably do better than that
though, I wasnt really expecting this question.
Q: Whats your ideal height?
A: I think that this is going to sound prejudicial
against short people but I think that taller is always
better. Im 62, I guess I would be 63, 64. Its at 7
and 8 feet that things start to get problematic and
theres a law of diminishing returns.
Q: Quick word association game, first word that
pops into your head. Slice.
A: Salami
Q: Smooth.
A: Smoothie, bananas.
Q: Smartboard.
A: Ugh what a pain.
Q: Hall or Oates?
A: Hall.
Q: If you could bestow the gift of speech upon
one animal, what would it be?
A: Squirrels. What the heck are they doing, theyre
always hiding things away, whats going on there?
Tell us about that.
Q: If there was a cage match between Abraham
Lincoln and Dr. Fisher, who would win?
A: Dr. Fisher would beat anyone in a cage match.
Q: If a man has no toes, where do you put his toe
tag?
A: On his nose.
Q: Youre trapped on a desert island with a 10ft
long piece of rope, a copy of the Joy Luck Club,
12 coconuts, and a popcorn machine with one

bags worth of popcorn. What do you do and how


do you get off the island?
A: Assuming that its a gas operated popcorn
machine and it works. Somehow I align the
coconuts together to form a floating base and then
use the butter mixture from the popcorn and the
pages of the Joy Luck Club and the rope and use
that to make a platform. And then I float away on
my raft and leave behind the useless gas operated
popcorn machine.
Q: What is Satans last name?
A: Katz.
Q: Youve been pushed onto the dance floor at
your cousins wedding and the music stops and
the DJ says Whats your song? What do you
say?
A: I didnt know you were at my cousins wedding.
Id have to say Hey Ya. Im a terribly dancer and
I think that song would get other people up to dance
and I could just hide in the center.
Q: If you could have one word written on your
tombstone, what would it be?
A: Sorry.
Q: Who was your celebrity crush as a kid?

Jacqueline Bisset in Casino Royale


A: Lemme try and think of one that makes me look
good. Jacqueline Bisset. She was more sophisticated
than Farrah Fawcett but basically the same thing.
Oh another one that just left my head but came back
to me, Jodie Foster.
Q: Whos your celebrity crush now?

15

A: I think its George Clooney. No, no, Im gonna


go with Denzel Washington.
Q: Last question, make up a word and provide a
definition please.
A: Im gonna cheat and use a word someone else
made up but I quite like. Destinesia. Its a

combination of amnesia and destination. Its when


you walk into a room and then you cant remember
why youre there.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 18


Caroline Yang Editor-in-Chief
Ceci Silberstein Managing Editor
Lucas Katz Layout Editor
Gabriel Silva Collins Staff Writer
Noah Amsel Staff Writer
Elijah Parsons Staff Writer

Life is like a bowl of soup. You can smell it,


you can spill it, but you sure cant eat it with
a fork!
Pisces: Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Balance your chakra, take deep breaths, and
you will find your life to be more
organized...Look, Ill be honest. I have
absolutely no idea what chakra means.
Aries: Mar. 21 - Apr. 19
Isnt it sad that your birthstone is worth
more than youll ever make?

Teddy Tawil Staff Writer


David Soleki Staff Writer
Romy Negrin Staff Writer
Alexa Bren Staff Writer
Maya Von Ziegesar Staff Writer
Sam Brochin Staff Writer
Carter Williams Staff Writer

Leo: Jul. 23 - Aug. 22


You will have terrible misfortune soon,
unless you forward this to 3 friends within 8
days.
Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Now is your time. Seize the day. Trust me, if
I were you Id take what I can get.

Gemini: May 21 - Jun. 20


Gear up for a flatulent month and sing the
farters lament: The wind is howling like
the swirling storm inside. Cant keep it in,
heaven knows I tried.

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 22


Look at you! Youre just skin and bone!
What have you eaten today? Nothing?! Let
grandma make you some eggs. Honey, sit
your tush down and let grandma make you
some eggs.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Take this month to make long-term plans
and consider the upcoming year. Gather and
store nuts and berries to supplement the
venison youve been salting.

Cancer: Jun. 21 - Jul. 22


Make this a month for internal reflection.
Sorry *epidermal infection.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21


Theres nothing but much to know about in
the time that will have been coming before

Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 20


Learn Chinese: Sheep -

16

the desire is able to have been truly


understanding.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

The planets have aligned and the spirits are


strong. This will have no effect on your
future.

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