TEXT FROM MY

ORIGINAL WP1
SUBMISSION:

AN OBSERVATION OR
QUESTION I
RECEIVED FROM
DEPIERO OR A
CLASSMATE:

THE CHANGE(S) I
MADE TO WHAT I
INITIALLY WROTE:

HOW THIS CHANGE

IMPACTS MY PAPER:

If California does not

take definitive action
soon, they will deplete
their one natural
resource that is essential
to human survival;
Water.

Semicolons separate
two complete
sentences.-DePiero

I changed the sentence

entirely and made sure
that I was separating two
actual sentences.

This change not only

aided the flow of my
intro paragraph, and of
these sentences in
general, but it allowed
me to see and properly
understand how I should
be using semi-colons so
that I didnt use them
incorrectly in the future.

Thesis statement:

Im not quite sure what

youre arguing here.
Remember: your reader
is most likely going to
be expecting a thesis
statement at the end of
your Intro-DePiero

The aim here is to

analyze the different
ways in which different
viewpoints believe
California should handle
the drought situation.

Ultimately, the liberal

point of view provides
the most valuable
observations and
progressive solutions to
this statewide issue.
DePieros question at the Separated my papers
bottom of my grading
structure into three
matrix, Also, Id like
separate
you to think about
ideas/conventions
structural/organizational instead of the original
issues in two areas: 1,
three different sources,
instead of dividing your building from big, major
paper by Source 1, then
conventions to the
Source 2, then Source 3, smaller, more specific
what if you divided it up ones.
Also myself, I knew I
was having trouble
finding a side to argue.

The separation of my
papers structure into
three separate
ideas/conventions
instead of three different
sources

The answers to these

questions vary
depending on who is
answering them, but
currently all sources
have come to agree on
one statement; If
California does not take
definitive action soon,
they will deplete their
one natural resource that
is essential to human
survival, which is their
water.
I picked a side to argue
within my paper,
rewording my thesis
statement to be
something actually
arguable.

This change gives my

paper the power of
persuasion. Having an
arguable thesis gives my
paper an actual
objective, which is
convincing my audience
that my statement is
correct, rather than it
just being full of
generalizations and
comparisons.
This allowed the
paragraphs of my paper
to work with my thesis
to help prove the
validity of it. Much like
our discussion about a
working thesis, it gave
life and development to
my thesis statement, and
a more natural flow to

by Idea 1, 2, then 3?

Topic sentence:

my paper.

What about them?

Topic sentences are like
idea anchors they set
the ideas that youll
focus on in your
paragraph, and this will
help the reader
anticipate whats coming
upso when you start
diving deep, theyll
likely see it coming.DePiero

Changed the focus of the

paragraph, and therefore
introduced a new topic
sentence:

Such facts are bulleted

and read something like
this:

The textual evidence is

good; the somewhat
casual tone isnt.DePiero

Reworded:

Average respondent.
Such articles The
next group of online text
was

Average in terms of
age? Weight? Height?
Im not sure what you
mean here-DePiero

Changed the way I

described things to be
more clear and concise,
explaining what
average entailed,
which articles exactly,
and what a group of
online text actually
was.

Paragraphs 1, 2 and 3 in
the original document

When I see thiseven

before I start readingI
think, Ahhhhhhh!
Attack of the page-long
paragraph! Give your
reader your argument in
little, digestible, one-

Not only changed what I

was arguing and where I
placed each point within
the argument throughout
the paragraphs, but also
split the paragraphs up a
bit, usually by source.

To begin with one of

the more Liberal
websites, we will first
observe the online news
columns on this topic
from the Huffington
Post.

One major convention

of these online news
websites is the amount
and quality of data that
they provide.

The first set of data

proving their point is a
set of bulleted facts,
such as this:

The first change,

shifting the focus of the
paragraph from a source
to something that all
three sources
implemented, allowed
my paper to have an
argument that it could
develop. The topic
sentence leaves some
wiggle room for my
paragraph to describe
just how the conventions
work throughout the
genre itself.
This seemingly
insignificant change
shifts the tone of my
paper from casual to
academic, which not
only makes me sound
more credible but caters
to the audience that it is
required to.
These small changes
give clarity to my
speech, allowing my
points to be better
understood by my
audience. The rewording
of small phrases such as
these give the reader a
better taste of what my
thesis is aiming to
prove.
Changing the structure
of these paragraphs to
mold around my new
thesis statement gave the
paragraphs more weight
in providing evidence
for my thesis statement.

idea-at-a-time bits.DePiero

Original concluding
sentence:
Understanding the way
the conventions of a
genre interact allows
one to deduce for
themselves which
position is the most
factual, which is more
focused on opinions,
which provides solely
basic information on the
topic, and how all of
these articles come
together to provide an
understanding of the
dire situation at hand
and the necessity of a
quick and effective
solution.

Comments from
classmates, and my
roommate, and also
DePiero, on a lack of
argument within my
paper.
Nothing really being
proved here.- Emily,
my roommate

I kept some of the old

words, did away with
others, and shaped it to
reiterate the claim made
by my thesis.
New concluding
sentence:
Understanding the way
the conventions of a
genre interact allows
one to deduce the
efficiency of The
Huffington Posts
solutions over its two
competitors, the value of
its cited and extensive
information over the
opinions stated within
the other articles, and
how it provides a deeper
understanding of the
dire situation at hand
and the necessity and
attainability of a quick
and effective solution.

Breaking them up allows

my reader to not only be
able to take a step back
and thoroughly evaluate
what Im saying, but it
breaks up the monotony
for my audience.
This new conclusion is a
powerful finishing
statement that reiterates
what my thesis aimed to
prove while also
shedding light into what
was developed by the
paragraphs in between.
It is clearer and more
direct in speech than the
previous one as well,
allowing my ideas to
shine through.