Thefunnysideof`Beowulf'

BYDAVEBARRY
Ibelievethatweparentsmustencourageourchildrentobecomeeducated,sothey
cangetintoagoodcollegethatwecannotafford.
Itrytohelpmyson,Rob,withhisschooling,butovertheyearsthishasbecome
moredifficult.Backwhenhewasdealingwithbasiceducationalissuessuchas
whytheskyisblueandwhataducksays,Ialwaysknewthecorrectanswers(''It
doesn'tmatter''and''Moo'').ButwhenRobgotintothehighergrades,hestarted
dealingwithcomplexconceptssuchasthe``hypotenuse,''whichhadn'tbeen
inventedyetwhenIwasastudent.SothesedaysI'muselessasaneducational
resource,exceptonthoserareoccasionswhenRobisstudyingatopicI'mfamiliar
with.Forexample,lastyear,inhistoryclass,hestudiedTheSixties.That'sright:
TheSixtiesarenowconsideredahistoricalperiod,justliketheRomanEmpire,
exceptthatasfarasmodernkidsareconcerned,TheSixtiesfeaturedstupider
haircuts.
BecauseIlivedthroughthatera,whenRobaskedmeaboutit,Iwasabletogive
himhelpfulinformation.
''WhatdidyoudoduringTheSixties?''heasked.
''Noneofyourbusiness,''Iinformedhim.
Otherthanthat,mymaincontributiontohiseducationistoprovide
encouragement.Forexample,theotherdayIaskedhimifhehadanyhomework,
andhetoldmehehadtoread''Beowulf.''''Yuck!''Isaid,encouragingly.Iwas
exposedto''Beowulf''whenIwasastudent.Ifmymemoryservesmecorrectly
(andIbelieveitdoes,becauseIamcopyingthisdirectlyfromtheencyclopedia),
''Beowulf''isanOldEnglishepicpoemconcerningaherowhofreedthecourtof
theDanishkingHrothgarfromtheravagesoftheogreGrendelandGrendel's
motherandthusbecamekingoftheGeats.
Thisraisessomequestions,including:Whoare''theGeats''?Andwhywould
anybodywanttobekingofthem?Imean,theword''Geat''soundslikeaninsult,
doesn'tit?Asin:``SomestupidGeatputsalamiinthediskdrive!''
(Letmejuststate,beforeIgetabunchofhatemail,thatImyselfamtwothirds
Geatish.)
MypointisthatIhaveneverbeenahugefanof''Beowulf,''orepicpoemsin
general.''Epic,''inmyopinion,isacodewordthatEnglishteachersusefor
''boring,''thesamewaytheyuse''satirical''whentheymean''youwillnotlaugh
once.''NeverthelessIstressedtoRobthatheshouldmakethishomeworkhis
absolutehighestpriority,allowingnothingtocomeaheadofit,butthatfirstwe

wouldgooutforItalianfood.IliketodothiswithRobbecausehealwaysorders
pizza,whichIamnotallowedtoeatbecauseitcontainscholesterol,butitisa
scientificfactthatyourbodywillnotabsorbcholesterolifyoutakeitfromanother
person'splate.
Robdroveustotherestaurant.Iliketolethimdrivebecauseitimprovesmy
circulationbycausingmyhearttobeat175,000timesperminute,althoughthis
particulartripwasfairlyrelaxingrightupuntilRobmadetherookieerrorof
actuallystoppingataredlight,ratherthanacceleratingthroughitasiscustomary
inMiami,theresultbeingthatwewererammedbythecarbehindus.Theother
driver,asrequiredbylocallaw,wasuninsuredandspokenoEnglish.Thisgaveus
aneducationalopportunitytobrushuponourSpanishbyengaginginadialogue
withtheotherdriver,whichwentlikethis:
US(pointingatthelight):Rojo!(''Red!'')
OTHERDRIVER:No!Amarillo!(''No!Yellow!)
US:Likehecko!(''Wedisagree!'')
OTHERDRIVER:Queson?Guitos?(''Whatareyou?Geats?'')Ittooktwohours
andtwopoliceofficerstosortitout,withtheoutcomebeingthattheotherdriver
receivedaticketo.Fortunately,mycarsustainedonlysuperficialdamage,which
I'msureattoday'sbodyworkpricescanberepairedfornomorethanitwouldcost
topurchasetheentirecontentsoftheLouvreatretail.
Becauseofthisdelay,wewerelategettingbackfromtherestaurant,butRobstill
wouldhavehadtimetodohishomework,exceptthatthisistruethepolice
hadsetuproadblocksaroundourneighborhoodandwerenotlettinganybodyin.
Anofficertoldustherehadbeenseveralreportsofshotsfired,andpolicewere
goinghousetohousewithdogs.Iwasconcernedaboutthis,butRobtookitwell;I
thinkhewashopingthatoneofthedogswouldeathiscopyof``Beowulf.''
Thepoliceneverfoundthesourceoftheshots(itwasprobablyjustsomeinnocent
thingperhapsaneighborwhocouldn'tlocatehisremotecontrolanddecidedto
turnoffhisTVwithhisAK47).Butwehadtowaitattheroadblockforoveran
hour,whichmeantthatRobdidnotstartreading''Beowulf''untilaftermidnight.So
basically,thisentirecolumnisreallyjustanotetohisEnglishteachertosay:
PleaseexcuseRobifhewasunprepared.AndIhopeyouwerenotoffendedbymy
tone.It's_______________________.
ChicagoTribune~November16,19971postedonSunOct1509:51:232006