James Few

Prof. Margaret McCampbell

ENGL 101
10/21/2015
James this is focused and well-written. You use the outside sources effectively to inform the
reader and support your thesis. Your closing sentence is powerfully worded. Nice job.

The Author Wes Moore: A Rocky Road to Success 104/110

Nelson Mandela once said, Everyone can rise above their circumstances and achieve
success if they are dedicated to and passionate about what they do. So many refuse to believe
Mandelas claim and blame their actions on the circumstances of their environment, but Wes
Moore personifies Nelson Mandelas statement. However, Wes would not have achieved the
level of success he possesses today without the sacrifices of his mother and the strict
environment of Valley Forge.
Joy Moore, the widowed mother of Wes, played essentially the largest part in Wes
eventual success. According to Anton, Jones and Youngstrom an overwhelming sixty-seven
percent of African American youth live in single-mother households (29.3: 405-415). This
unfortunate circumstance places sole, perhaps unfair, responsibility on the maternal figure to
provide for the physical and psychological developmental needs of the child. As an example of
the dedication of Joy Moore to Wes and his sisters, in the time following the death of her
husband, Joy slept on the couch near the entrance of the house every night to ensure that she was
the first line of defense between her children and any intruder. However, Joy could not sustain

this unhealthy, vigilant lifestyle; in order to provide for Wes and his sisters, she decided a move
from their Baltimore City home to live with her parents in New York would be best.
Joy Moore heavily emphasized Wes education and decided to take on multiple jobs in
order to afford to keep Wes out of the New York public school system. Joy determined to keep
Wes out of the public school realm for one key reason: children tend to emulate what they see,
especially in terms violence. Ng-Mak et al. refer to this phenomenon as the normalization of
violence among inner-city youth (72.1: 92-101). Keeping this in mind, Joy decided to send Wes
to Riverdale Country School, the renowned school of John F. Kennedy. While attending
Riverdale, Wes continued to receive less than satisfactory grades, but Joy knew Wes true
potential and attributed his bad grades to his not working hard enough (Moore 75-76). She
knew Wes simply refused to apply himself, which led to the next step in his educational process
Valley Forge Military Academy.
Though Wes mother became the biggest positive influence in his life, the well-structured
environment of Valley Forge grew to become at least the second largest factor that shaped his
now flourishing careers as an author, political analyst and social entrepreneur. According to data
collected over multiple years by the New York City government, the truancy rates for city public
school students soar in excess of twenty percent, and a study conducted in 1996 by the National
Center for Education Statistics shows that, Approximately 31 percent of urban teachers report
their co-workers attendance as a moderate or serious problem (New York City Department of
Education, par. 3; National Center for Education Statistics 128). As previously stated, Joy Moore
feared that if Wes attended public school, he would emulate these negative behavioral tendencies
of the students and even the teachers around him. However, these high truancy rates were not a
part of Wes schooling at Valley Forge. While public schools would have expected and perhaps

not been allowed to correct Wes absent and foolish behavior, military school provided rigid
structure in which teachers, consistently present themselves, expected him to regularly attend
class and be respectful. Wes noticed this disparity in expectations and concluded that military
school presented a different psychological environment, where my normal expectations were
inverted, where leadership was honored and class clowns were ostracized (Moore 96-97). In
fact, the tremendously different environment grew to be so challenging that Wes attempted to
flee back to home, but he received purposefully misleading directions from upper-classmen,
forcing his shameful return to the barracks. However, Wes soon began to enjoy working hard
both in every-day life and academics. From freshman to senior year, Wes transformed from an
apathetic teenager to a high ranking cadet. Ironically, Valley Forge became a safe haven for Wes
a place where, after being attacked on a racial premise, he retreated to, in order to find safety
and comfort (Moore 122).
Wes may have begun his journey without passion and dedication, but because of a loving
mother and a structured schooling environment, he found the drive that he unknowingly searched
for as a child. Joy set a good example, kick starting the process of shaping a young, errant Wes
into a well-rounded individual, and Valley Forge taught him the structure and discipline he would
need for a successful adult life. Wes mother and school refused to allow him to be another
stereotype or statistic and aided him in avoiding the trap that so many in similar situations seem
prone to falling intoa life of crime.

Works Cited

Anton, Margaret T., Deborah J. Jones, and Eric A. Youngstrom. "Socioeconomic Status,
Parenting, And Externalizing Problems In African American Single-Mother Homes: A
Person-Oriented Approach." Journal Of Family Psychology 29.3 (2015): 405-415.
PsycARTICLES. Web. 15 Oct. 2015.
Lipman, Laura, Shelley Burns, Edith McArthur. Urban Schools: The Challenge of Location and
Poverty. National Center for Education ad Statistics, 1996. nces.ed.gov. Web. 15 Oct.
2015
Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore. New York: Spiegel and Grau Trade Paperbacks, 2011.
Print.
New York City Government. Mayor Bloomberg Announces Comprehensive New Strategies to
Reduce Chronic Absenteeism and Truancy in City Schools. New York City Department of
Education, 19 Aug. 2010. Web. 15 Oct. 2015.
Ng-Mak, Daisy S., et al. "Normalization Of Violence Among Inner-City Youth: A Formulation
For Research." American Journal Of Orthopsychiatry 72.1 (2002): 92-101.
PsycARTICLES. Web. 15 Oct. 2015.
ENGL 101
M. McCampbell

Essay 2 -The Other Wes Moore

Scoring Rubric

Item

Does not meet C

Meets C standard

Introducti
on
>9

0-5 points

6 - 7 points

Exceeds C
Standard
8 - 10 points

No intro device
Flat statement

Uses effective intro

device to connect
reader to topic

Uses specific detail

in introduction that
illustrates

Identifies which Wes

Moore and influence

significance of
influence and
broader social
implication.
8 10 points
Strong persuasive
assertion that
clearly connects
Moores outcome
with the influence/s

Thesis
>8

0-4 points
Flat statement of fact;
Broad influence
Thesis is not
completely developed

Influencin
g Factor
>9 several
citations
(except 1)
accurately
and
effectively
illustrate
Moores
circumstan
ce ant the
change.
Expanded
Social
Issue
>10 Good
selection of
sources and
they
provide
good
support for
your essay.

0- 4 points

5 7 points
Assertion shows a clear
perspective of what
influenced the Wes
Moore of your choice
All ideas are developed
in the essay.
5 - 7 points

Incomplete
description, e.g. omits
who is affected and/or
how; topic is too
broad
No support from The
Other Wes Moore

Narrows down the

influence, provides
background and how
Wes Moore is
influenced. Includes
two cited examples
from the book.

Cites evidence
from The Other
Wes Moore and
interprets Moores
statements to the
essay.

0-4 points

5 - 7 points

8 - 10 points

Broader social
implications are not
clear or vaguely
referenced.
No broader social
implications are
mentioned.

Two researched details

are identified and
connected to the Wes of
your choice is clear.
Good details: RENNS

3 researched
details are
identified, detailed
(RENNS), and cited.
These broader
social implications
are clearly
connected to the
Wes Moore of your
choice. .
8 - 10 points

Conclusio
n
>10
nicely
done.

In-text
citations

1- 4 points
Restates thesis
or provides an
incomplete
summary

0-2 points

5 - 7points
Clearly summarizes the
influence/s on the Wes
of your choice and links
them with the broader
social implications.

3 - 4 points

8 10 points

In addition to
meeting criteria for
a conclusion, the
conclusion includes
a reflective
statement about
the significance.
5points

>4

Work
cited
>5

Compositi
on
Structure>
10

No references to
assigned reading;
Refers to sources, but
does not cite them;
Some material is not
cited correctly.

0-2points
No work cited list
Only one entry on
work cited list
0-4 points
One or two topic
sentences missing;
Paragraphs lack unity

Uses two reference to

assigned reading; uses
correct in-text format.
Correctly used two
references from outside
sources.
Uses two different ways
of including outside
information. Citations
link correctly to work
cited entries. Minimum
of two errors
3 - 4 points
Three entries on work
cited list, correctly
cited and alphabetized.
One or two errors.
5-7 points

Uses two or more

references to
assigned reading
and cites them
correctly. Uses two
or more references
to outside sources
and identifies their
relevance to the
reader. Integrates
material into the
text in a variety of
ways. No errors in
citation
5 points
More than three
entries on the work
cited list.
No errors
8-10 points

Clearly stated topic

sentences;
Paragraphs clearly
relate to thesis

Topic sentences are

specifically worded
and link thesis and
all supporting
material
Coherence
Paragraph not related Paragraphs arranged in
Transitions move
>10
to topic;
logical order;
ideas clearly
Organization does not Ideas follow logical
throughout essay;
follow a clearpattern;
development
Ideas build on each
Abrupt changes;
Employs transitions
other to emphasize
when necessary
thesis;
Clarity>10
Wording is vague;
Uses appropriate
Writers voice is
Words are confused
pronouns;
clear and
with other meanings
Avoids redundant
authoritative;
Grammatical
wording;
Employs specific
conventions are
Uses words correctly
words; employs
infracted;
Avoids slang and worn
active voice and
Uses second person
out cliches
specific verbs;
prn;
Wording is concise
Spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics errors 1 point for each error, prorated
by 500 words.
Errors: You begin with 20 points. You lose one point for each of the following errors:
-1 = 19
Spelling
pronoun use
Capitalization

comma splice

Subj/verb agreement

run-on/fused sentence

Incorrect verb form

sentence fragment

Verb tense

Begin sentence with coordinating conj.

Punctuation with direct and indirect quotations

Apostrophe errors

Comma error with coordinating conjunction

pronoun/antecedent agreement