Running Head: LOST, OVERWHELMED, AND DISHEVELED

Response Letter: Lost, Overwhelmed, and Disheveled

Shane T. Morrell
Bryant University

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Dear Lost, Overwhelmed, and Disheveled,

I wanted first express my sympathy for you and the position you currently find yourself
in. I can relate to being far from home during the school year, not across the country like you are
but far enough to make me feel as though I am that far away from home. Being a far distance
from any relationship is hard especially when talking about family. I personally have two
brothers, one older and one younger, who I hang out with during the summer but when school
comes around we start to lose touch with one another and it is some times difficult to handle. I
try to stay in touch as much as possible but we are on different schedules so it becomes difficult.
I could only imagine how difficult it would be if one of my brothers drank in excess as you said
yours does. Unfortunately neither of my brothers has a wife or kids but my older brother stared
living with his girlfriend about a year ago in New York City which has really strained our
communication because even when Im home in the summer he is still a few hours away.
I believe this is how you are currently feeling and it is a sort of hopeless feeling but after
reading a couple articles on the specific problems you are facing I feel like there is light at the
end of the tunnel so to speak. In your letter you explained that your mother has tried countless
times to try and get in contact with your brother and his family including your moms two
grandchildren. Over the years I have heard that next to having your own kids, being a
grandparent is the next most exciting thing in ones life. I think this, as well as your brother and
his wife being excessive drinkers, are the reasons your mother hasnt given up trying to get in
touch with them and interact with them more. The first article I read called Lonely in A Crowd:
The Social and Emotional Consequences of Growing up with Parental Alcoholism explained the
consequences that children with alcoholic parents face while growing up which I believe your
mother is trying to make sure doesnt happen to her grandchildren. It is discussed that children

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experience attachment issues if their parents are heavy drinkers. (Rangarajan, 2006, p. 21) This is
due to inconsistent behavior depending on how the parent or parents act while under the
influence of alcohol.
Information found in this study could be useful to your mother if she felt she could
portray this information to your brother if it wouldnt push him away further. That would be the
difficult part so therefore if your mother knows a close friend or relative your brother is very
close with maybe she can instill knowledge that was found in this article to that friend who may
have better luck with your brother. There was a fact the study uncovered that I found very
interesting which was that if the mother is the heavier drinker of the two in the marriage it
undermines typical child development in which the child finds the mother as the safe haven and
is more attached. (Rangarajan, 2006, p. 21) It creates distance in the mother child relationship
and strengthens the father child relationship. Rangarajan states that (2006) However, the
finding that maternal alcoholism was associated with greater paternal attachment security
provides preliminary evidence of one process by which children come to develop secure
attachment to the father. Although in most cases, it is usually the mother who emerges as the
principal attachment figure, alcoholism may undermine the extent to which the mother is
available and responsive to the child. (p. 21) If this was told to your brother the in right way I
believe it would be very beneficial to the psychological growth of his children. Obviously
drinking alcohol is ones own choice but if both your brother and sister in law toned it down to
an equal intake it would stabilize the attachments the children would have towards both of their
parents.
I understand your frustration towards your mother for consistently getting rejected by
your brother but you cant let that stem from your overlying frustration of your brother because

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you mother is ultimately trying her best to create the best family atmosphere for her
grandchildren. It seemed like the overlying problem in your letter was that you wished for a
close relationship with your brother but due to certain circumstances, (distance, age difference,
etc.) it was severely lacking. This brought me to thinking that relationship maintenance was very
necessary between you and your brother. In the article by Meyers and Goodboy relationship
maintenance between siblings is discussed and explains that in order for relationships to be
successful both siblings need to provide equal time and effort into the relationship.
I am not positive of the age difference between you and your brother but you must learn
to accept where he is in life and know that he may seem busy and distant but the bond between
siblings is lifelong. I know how this feels because like I said earlier that my older brother
currently works and lives with his girlfriend in New York City. He has been there for about a
year and a half now and our relationship has definitely improved since the time he first moved in.
I was used to seeing him in the summer at my house and hanging out but he got a job in NYC
after graduating. When I came home that summer it was different but I stayed in touch a little bit.
I started explaining to my mom that his communication started fading but it was understandable
due to his job. My way of breaking the bind was trying to find things to communicate with my
brother that he is interested in.
This may be tough but I can honestly say it worked for me and is worth giving a shot. He
now texts me and asks questions pertaining to things Im doing in my life and isnt always just
answering my questions anymore. Having quality sibling relationships is extremely important.
Positive sibling relationships must have satisfactory feelings towards one another in which the
binding factors are trust and equal commitment from one sibling to the other in trying to
maintain a positive relationship.

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References

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Myers, S. A., & Goodboy, A. K. (2013). Using Equity Theory to Explore Adult Siblings Use of
Relational Maintenance Behaviors and Relational Characteristics. Communication Research
Reports, 30(4), 275-281. doi:10.1080/08824096.2013.836627
Rangarajan, Sripriya. "Lonely In A Crowd: The Social And Emotional Consequences Of
Growing Up With Parental Alcoholism." Conference Papers -- International Communication
Association (2006): 1-35. Communication & Mass Media Complete. Web. 3 Apr. 2014.