Introduction-Research Paper Self-Esteem

The purpose of my research paper is to find out how forgiveness affects peoples
self-esteem. I hope to answer the question does forgiving someone help to raise your selfesteem? This relates to my life; because, I suffer from low self-esteem and I also have a
hard time forgiving people sometimes. Even though, I am getting better at having a
higher self-esteem it is still hard for me to forgive; because, I do not think that I saw that
much forgiveness in my home growing up.
Forgiveness relates to the following things: the process of change, rembering the
past, anger, divorce, and mental illness are all a part of low self-esteem; because, if a
person does not learn to forgive people then they can develop a low self-esteem, which in
turn will have a higher chance of developing into depression. If a person has a hard time
rembering something then there are ways that can help them to come out of it, it can be
hard for them though; especially, if they are always hearing from people negative things
about themselves. Low self-esteem can be genetic in that one parent and/or both parents
could suffer from having low self-esteem. The process of change and rembering the past
can go together; because, they are both similar. Sometimes, people that have a hard time
forgiving a spouse for doing something wrong will then get a divorce.
A person who has a hard time forgiving someone and suffers from low selfesteem could have, always had this problem either from childhood, the time when they
were a teenager, or even when they were an adult. Forgiveness and low self-esteem do go
hand in hand, and if the child either is not taught how to forgive someone or does not see
how they should act in order to forgive someone then they are more likely to suffer from
low self-esteem. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do, but if I person can be successful at

2
it then can definitely raise their self-esteem and build their self-confidence level.
Literature Review
I will cover the following topics: self-hatred, trust, overprotecting, forgiveness,
emotional habits, remembering, transformational change, and status quo. Feelings of
self-hatred can erupt seemingly out of the blue. A small interaction can trigger an
avalanche of self-doubt and uncertainty. (The Courage to Heal, Ellen Bass & Laura
Davis, page 212)
If someone experiences this from an episode of low self-esteem or even due to not
trusting themselves then, this could be a major issue for them when it first happens; but,
yet it could be an important first step for that particular person. Some things that become
necessary when dealing with internalized messages are the following: to change the
internalized messages, set limits and boundaries, trust yourself, create a positive selfimage by doing things that you are proud of, accentuating the positive, taking in the good
things that people say about you, visualization, and even finding a task to do. Also, to do
something for someone else; such as, taking breaks, and also by living for you.
If a person is able to do these things then they will have a better chance of
developing a higher self-esteem; whereas, if a person is not able to do these things or has
a harder time doing them, then they may have a better chance of developing low selfesteem. One example is when overprotective moms can unintentionally sabotage their
daughters self-confidence and independence. (Same Difference, Rosalind Barnett &
Caryl rivers, page 229) One way that a mom can be overprotecting of her daughter is by
expecting her daughter to succeed in school, when she is not able to for some reason;

3
perhaps, she has a learning disability or some other kind disability, or even has a mental
illness, or something traumatic has happened and she is using school as her escapegoat.
responsive way, or may even be afraid to tell someone what is going on with them.
The definition of forgiveness according to The Forgiveness Solution is that you have
togive up anger, resentment, or indignation against another person or circumstance for a
perceived offense, difference, or mistake. In other words, it focuses on releasing an
unpleasant emotion that is based on a perception. Another definition is giving up the
desire for punishment or restitution.(Friedman, page 2) The author of The Forgiveness
Solution(Philip H. Friedman, Ph.D.) also sees it as the following processes: releasing the
negative emotions of anger, resentment, bitterness, hurt, irritation, and guilt not only
towards others and circumstances but also toward oneself, God, and groups of people.
more comefortable with the language of logic than of emotion, 2.) they are less reactive
under stress, 3.) not quite so much to be to be drained by other peoples negativity, 4.)
They have an easier time setting limits with others, 5.) are bottom-line and resultsoriented when solving problems, and less interested in processing the emotions that it
took to get there, and 6.) they also gravitate toward doing something before being.
( Orloff, Judith, M.D.) Most but not all women have these emotional habits they are the
following: 1.) Have a greater ease with intuition, 2.) May trust the heart more
instinctively, 3.) Experiences increased empathy and patience, 4.) More readily expresses
emotions, 5.) May want to process emotions as a way of solving problems, and also may
gravitate toward being before doing. (Orloff, Judith, M.D).
.

4
Sometimes traumatic memories will seem far away almost like you are watching
something from far away. The memories can also come in fragments (pieces) and
therefore find it hard to place the memory in the correct sequence; in fact this can be like
putting a jigsaw puzzle together or even being a detective. (Bass & Davis, pages 71-72)
Another way that people can remember is by flashbacks, a flashback can be so intense
that a person can feel the experience happening again; just, as they remembered it. (Bass
& Davis, page 73) Also, people could experience amnesia for traumatic stress and it has
been documented not only in sexual abuse; but also, among the following cases: veterans,
battered woman, prisoners of war, and others who have suffered severe on
Going trauma.(Bass & Davis, page 74)
There are three different reasons as to why survivors may remember abuse it is
the following: distance from the original abuse, life event that leads up to the letting
down of the defenses, and also an external situation that restimulates the memory.
Although, memories do not always surface in dramatic ways though. (Bass & Davis, page
77)
There are nine basic steps to making changes that anyone can make if they really
want to, they are the following: become aware of the behavior you want to change,
examine the reasons you developed that behavior to begin with, have compassion for
what youve done in the past, keep doing your own work, find new ways to meet your
needs, the best way to change old, destructive patterns is to replace them with something

5
else, get support, most change happens gradually, and also be persistent. ( Bass & Davis,
page 206) A person can change if they want to but they have to remember to give
themselves credit whenever possible though; as well as, to celebrate any small occasion
no matter how silly it may seem.
According to the Transformational Change-Based On The Model of Virginia Satir,
Change is an issue talked and written about frequently, with a set of assumptions that are
often deeply buried in cultural, social, ideological, and personal histories ( Carl Sayles,
page 93) by talking and writing about change quite frequently we are then able to do
something about an idea that bothers us; especially, if it is in our own cultural or even our
own personal histories. There are six stages of change in the Satir process they are: Status
Quo, Foreign element, chaos, transformation, integration, and practice,
Transformation is the phase where emotions are acknowledged and felt at deeper level
and have experienced before. The transformational shifts can be felt by all clients to a
change or shift in mood. (Sayles, page 105) Integration and Practice both play an
important part in a persons perceptions, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
Status Quo is a place of balance within the system and it can come at a very high
cost to one or many people within the system. This can also be an open dialogue between
members and is encouraged. ( Sayles, page 100) The Foreign Element is an aspect of
change that comes from outside the system. Such as a birth of a child that is joyous and
full of wonder and amazement. (Sayles, page 102) Chaos the healthy form is willingness
on the part of one or more people in the system that take risks. (Sayles, page 103)

6
Methodology
I interviewed eleven people who have issues with low self-esteem and had asked
them questions on whether or not forgiveness has a part on how their self-esteem was
affected. The interviews took place at the William H. Compton Wellness Center-Pacific
Clinics during the week of Wednesday, February 4, 2015- Thursday, February, 19, 2015.
The interviews lasted between a half-hour to an hour approximately for each person. At
least two interviews were conducted by telephone, and then at least one other one was
conducted at my house. All of the people that I interviewed were willing to openly share
their story with me.
The topics that I will be covering in the paper are the following: forgiveness,
anger, mental illness, process of change, remembering the past, and also divorce. These
topics are all important in self-esteem; because, they take a look at how the person truly
sees him or herself as a whole, and even feels about themselves. If they do not feel good
about themselves, then they can sometimes suffer from at least one of these topics if not
more.
I asked each person the following questions: how would you rate your self-esteem
on a scale of one to ten (one being low and ten being high) and why? Do you think that
forgiveness has a part to do with low or high self-esteem and why do you feel that why?
Are you able to forgive (truly forgive) someone for something that they did to you? Why
or Why not? Were you taught or shown how to forgive someone when you were younger?
Why do you think this was? Does anyone else in your family suffer from low

7
self-esteem, if so what was that like growing up in that kind of house? When did you first
start struggling with your self-esteem?
Results-self-esteem
When I asked people the following question: How would you rate your selfesteem on a scale of 1-10 (1-low and 10-high) and why? Four people had said that it was
either an eight or nine, while another four had said it was either a four or five, or three
people had said that it was either a one or two. One reason why a person (Kristy) gave
themselves an eight or nine is because she has come a long way from having low selfesteem.
A second person (Keith) feels this way because he lived in the same building for
twenty years, feels pretty good, and also works when he is able to. A third person
(Jenny) feels that life is pretty okay and tries not to think about herself for herself for
two reasons 1.) To stop thinking about other people, and 2.) Makes all the things in her
life are too important. The fourth person (Mayte) has come to accept and explore the
things that are good about her.
Kurt gave himself a four on the scale of one to ten to the question because hes
paranoid/schizophrenia and imagines things, not adequate enough. James gave himself a
five because it has to do with his bipolar disorder, times are low, and times are high selfesteem. Shrie gave herself a four because she feels like everyone else is better than her,
like she does not belong places. Barbara gave herself a five because she is

8
working on years of hearing cant you do anything right, and how ugly she is, her
teenage and adult years.
Anna gave herself a one because she feels like everyone is prettier than you,
people will say nice things about her and she does not think its nice. Margie gave
herself a one or two because she feels funny, looks weird, people can say nice things and
she does not feel like it is nice. Magy gave herself a one because she has a low selfimage of herself.
For the question: Are you able to forgive (truly forgive) someone for
something that they did to you? Why or Why not? Only one person said that they
were not able to forgive the person, Magy cannot forgive the person because she has a
strong sense of justice. Barbara said she was able to forgive her ex-husband (that it
took her daughters lifetime) to get over the situation. Anna says she has to forgive in
order to get to heaven but will never forget what they did. You have to always forgive
them though Margie says she could but it would take some time, it would hurt her
feelings.
Shrie said I think so, but does not think that they could not be close to them
again. James said that it depends on the situation, because if it is something that the
person is truly for, then he will forgive; but, if they personally hurt him then he has a
harder time forgiving the person. Kurt said now he can because it benefits him to do
it. Mayte said yes, with one exception that is her ex-husband, is about 90% of the way
there.

9
Jenny said it depends on the thing finds it very easy for small things or for
things that she can understand, something that is harder but she usually prays about it,
and thinks about it. Thinks about Gods forgiveness in history and for her same kind of
power so that the same kind of power comes from him whether it is small or big things.
Kristy said yes, Because she has God to help her. Keith said yes he is able to forgive
the person and move on.
For the question: Were you taught or shown how to forgive someone when you
were younger? What was that like? How? I had about seven people say yes to this
question, and four people said no to this question. The four people that said no gave the
following reasons: Anna said no because she was abused when she was younger.
Shrie said no because the family was so dysfunctional that they never learned to forgive
each other. Kurt said no because there was no forgiveness in his life. Magy said no
because parents did not know any better.
The seven yess gave the following responses: Keith said yes he was shown how
to forgive. Kristy said yes and that friends sister would make them hug, and kiss, and
make up until they were no longer mad at each other. Jenny said yes and would watch
them by how her parents forgave her and her brother. She was also taught about Gods
forgiveness and it was helpful in forgiving things. James said yes because of his mom e
believed in forgiveness. Dad believed that the damage was done and you can go and
screw yourself. Margie said yes, Because you want to live in peace. People could
hurt you though. Barbara said yes, mom did when siblings got into fights. By saying

10
youre supposed to love each other. Mayte had said at catholic school people would
say that they would forgive but their responses would not match.
When I asked the question: When did you first start struggling with your selfesteem? Was being able to forgive someone a part of your low self-esteem? ( at what
age approximately). There were a variety of responses to this question from two years
old all the way until the age of sixteen. Magy said her low self-esteem started at the age
of two and was a part of being able to forgive someone. Kurt said his low self-esteem
started at the age of four and that it was not due to forgiveness.
Mayte said hers started at the age of five, and that it was herself that she had to
forgive. Kristys started at the age of six years old not being able to forgive someone
was a part of it, makes you feel like youre worthless, and not good enough. James said
that for him it started at the age of eight years old and it was due to forgiveness. There
was a girl that liked him and had kept picking on him. Barbara started at the age of
eleven because she had the worst case of acne and was teased and ridiculed beyond
measure. Shries low self esteem started about twelve or thirteen years ago around that
time she got a divorce that is when it really kicked in. Annas self-esteem started when
she was thirteen or fourteen years old schizophrenia also played a part in it too. She was
cutting herself too, had to learn to forgive people. Forgiveness was not a part of her low
self-esteem. Keiths low self-esteem started when he was sixteen years old, forgiveness
comes with wisdom.

11
I have found out that you need to learn to forgive someone of the persons errors
in judgment, whether it is by going to God, praying, going directly to the person and
talking things over, or just asking for forgiveness in your heart. If you are not at peace
with yourself, then chances are you will not be at peace with yourself until you can
resolve the situation with the other person. After all, maybe the two of you are just seeing
things from two different points of view.
When I asked the following question: Do you think that forgiveness has a part
to do with low or high self-esteem and why do you feel that way? I got the following
responses: Mayte said it had to do with high self-esteem, we have to forgive the things
that we have done wrong. Keith also said it had to do with high self-esteem; because,
allows him the chance to move on. James was the last one that said it had to do with
high self-esteem; because, it takes self-esteem to say I am sorry and to forgive
someone.
Barbara said yes, because she has not forgiven her mom, she tries to but it is her
voice she hears. Shrie said yes, because she feels like she has to forgive people who
have made mistakes; but, does not change how she feels. Kristy said absolutely because
if you do not forgive you feel bitter and disgusted inside with yourself. Forgiveness
would help your self-esteem to be higher; because, you get rid of all the bitterness from
holding it inside.
Anna is the only one that said no, because she sees the two as being separate
things. Magy said probably so, because she does have grudges against some people.
Kurt said it does not have a main effect on self-esteem. Margie said she is not sure

12
because you can forgive but you cant forget. The last person is Jenny and she said that
the ability to know that other people can forgive her allows her to be able to not think
about herself so much then, and it allows her to forgive others.
For another question I asked: Does anyone else in your family suffer from low
self-esteem, if so what was it like growing up in that kind of house? Out of all the
people interviewed three of them had said their mom had suffered from low self-esteem.
As to what it was like growing up Kristy said that it was sad because she would always
put herself down. Magy said that it was very depressing kind of environment. Kurt
said that it was horrible because she hated him, until age fourteen (mother had
undiagnosed mental issues).
Two people said that their sister had low self-esteem when asked what it was like
growing up with it Shrie said her sister did not go to college or even own a home,
because she thought so low of herself. Anna said it was hard; because, dad used drugs
and would get mad for the dumbest reasons. Mayte was the only one that said her
daughters got some low self-esteem; because, ex-husband did not support them, dad and
mom never said anything either. James had said that he believes he was the only one
who had low self-esteem; because, everyone else was not afraid to speak their mind and
confront someone.
Barbara had said that her youngest brother has it because if he was the baby until
sister was born, has to prove himself. Baby sister because she sees herself as a fat ugly
blob. Thinks a lot of it came from the way mom came from correcting them (cant you do

13
anything right) with seven siblings. Keith said not that he knows of. Margie said she
is not sure. Jenny said not in her immediate family.
For the question Do you feel that your self-esteem and being able to forgive
people has gotten easier for you or more difficult and why is this? Five people have
said that it was more difficult, Shrie thinks it is difficult because I have gone through so
much that it is hard to trust her brother. Anna said it is difficult because she does not
know how to forgive people for things, just kinds of goes on down the rocky road till the
end. James because the worse things people did to him as he got older. Keith said
because it comes with age and maturity. Margie because she has been through a lot in
her life.
Three people said that it was easier the following people said it was easier. Mayte
because with lots of practice and reading articles on what and how to change. Barbara
because she is able to see more where a person is coming from when she perceives
criticism from them. Jenny because when she remembers to talk to God and that she
can trust him, but when she tries to do it herself it is harder then.
Three people have given various answers they are the following. Kurt believes
that they do not go together and are therefore two separate tings. Magy said it has gotten
better, therapy, self-help books, sups portative friends, and mentors. Kristy said that it
depends on the situation, because if it is sexual abuse it is not easy to forgive; whereas,
something little or small it is easy to forgive.
The last question that I asked was Does anyone in your family have a hard time
forgiving others and what was that like for you growing up? There were a variety of

14
responses such as: Kristy said yes, her sister and still does. It was difficult because she
felt like she was better than everybody, but she did behave that way though. According
to Barbara her mom she forgives others but she holds a grudge and some of them are a
lifetime. (80+ years) Kurt said that his mother has a hard time forgiving people.
Anna said father hard because he got married and chose the person over his kids,
would choose money over kids. If the stepmom was not around he would be more willing
to forgive them. Magy also said her dad made her feel like something was lacking in
the family. Shrie said that they were always fighting with each other; so they never
forgave each other. Boyfriend taught her how to forgive; as well as, her therapist. Mom
watched it happen, no one hangs out or calls anymore. James said all family members it
was hard because they beat him instead of forgiving him.
There were two people that said that they werent sure for this question. One
person (Mayte) had said not really a factor in the house. The last person Jenny said
not anymore than anyone else would. She has to keep talking to God, praying to God
over and over again.
Discussion

I feel that my literature review and results are different; because, in the literature
review I talk about the following: trusting yourself, forgiveness, and the process of
changing yourself, remembering, anger, mental illness, and divorce. Whereas, in the
results section I talk about forgiveness in various ways. While, there is no one way to

15
teach a child how or when you should teach them to forgive, the interviews that I
conducted do in some ways reflect this and in other ways do not.
For instance, according to Virginia Satir transformational change-based model,
change is an issue talked and written about frequently, with a set of assumptions that are
often deeply buried in cultural, social, ideological, and personal histories (Carl Sayles,
page 93). What this is saying is that unless we are willing to not only talk about; but,
also to write about a certain group of ideas that comes from within our culture and
communities. If we are not willing to either talk about or write about an issue then we
will never be able to change our way of thinking; as well as, the way of others.
According to the interviews, it was amazing to see that about half of them had
either a high or low score on the self-esteem question. About four of them had a high
score of either an eight or nine, while three of them had a low score of either a one or
two, and then four of them had a score of either a four or five.
Probably the reason why for this spread is because, the ones that scored either an
eight or nine probably think high of themselves, and not necessarily think about
themselves all of the time. They will most likely think of themselves an also of others .
The ones that scored a one or two may have a harder time believing that they are pretty
for example, because maybe no one ever told them that they were pretty or have even
given the person any kind of complement whatsoever. The people that gave themselves a
score of either a four or five, may have mixed emotions about low self-esteem and
forgiveness and sometimes they may therefore have a good day where they have a high
self-esteem and then on other days they may have low self-esteem.

16
person can have low self-esteem for any number of reasons; for instance, divorce, anger,
abuse, trusting other people, and also even mental illness. Divorce is probably one of the
big factors in self-esteem; because, if a person has been married for thirty years and then
all of a sudden the spouse cheats on him/her then the other spouse will most likely feel
inferior and like they are not good enough for the other person, and quite possibly for
other people even. This is especially true if the marriage will then end in divorce.
Anger and low self-esteem go together; because, if two people get into an
argument and say some hurtful things then most likely, one and/or both parties may be
angry at the other person, and not want to talk to the other person again. Sometimes,
when people get angry and may develop low self-esteem they may then resort to physical
violence; perhaps, because they may think that it is the only way to solve an argument,
when it isnt. The best way to resolve an argument and increase your self-esteem is to
calmly talk to the other person perhaps with another person there who is neutral, so that
they can help to diffuse the situation and shed some new light on the situation. You
should also try to truly give the other person all your attention so that they know that you
are listening and wanting to try to work things out with them.
Abuse and trusting people can both go together; because if someone is abused
then it will hard for them to trust people, and therefore will affect their self-esteem.
Anytime that abuse happens a persons self-esteem will automatically go down; because,
they will feel hurt, neglected (perhaps), lost, alone, and afraid that no one cares for them
or about them. There is so much abuse that happens every day and so much of it is hidden

17
and not talked about; because, some people may be too ashamed to talk about it for fear
that they have done something wrong.
Although, when you do not talk about abuse that happened they you are just
allowing the person to feel like their self-esteem does not matter, and so they will
probably continue to have low self-esteem. If however, you allow the abuse to be talked
about as hard as it is then gradually over time the persons self-esteem will rise because
they will come to realize that the abuse was not their fault.
Mental Illness and low self-esteem go together; because, if a person suffers from
depression or even another type of mental illness, then their self-esteem is more likely to
be affected. This is especially true when the person is first diagnosed or even before they
are diagnosed with a mental illness; because, the person may not want to believe or even
accept the fact that they have a mental illness.