Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

I completely
If I have one
And although many of piece of advice, revamped my thesis. I
its this: be
added the specific
these articles are all
crystal-clear
covering the same
parts of my argument
topic, they present
about what,
to my thesis and put
different information, exactly, youre
them in order to which
yet are still similar
arguing in this
they would appear in
because of certain
paper. Lay it
my paper. I also made
conventions that are the out in your
sure that thesis
same throughout their thesis
actually would argue
genre.
statement so
something so I saw
your reader
that my argument
(Original Thesis)
will be able to
should be based
follow your
around audience and
thought
bias.
process along
the way.

The thesis is the

foundation to any
paper. Because my
foundation wasnt laid
out properly the first
time, my paper was
difficult to understand.
So by changing my
foundation, my papers
argument is more laid
and can be seen
throughout the paper
more clearly.

You're repeating
yourself a bit here.
You already got me
hooked; don't lose
me by slowing down
the momentum!

I changed around my
paragraph and chose
to take out the entire
first sentence before
Many factors

This helped my paper a

lot in terms of cohesion.
By omitting parts that
repeat, and getting
straight to the point, Im
able to keep
momentum going and
keep my reader hooked
from one sentence to
the next.

Without paragraphs
that each focus on
one point at a time -which, each, are
central to your
argument -- I'm going
to have a(n

I changed the
structure entirely.
Changed my paper to
10 total paragraphs.

This relates to my
thesis and laying out
the foundation to my
paper. By actually
having paragraphs, this
enables my points and
argument to be seen

WP1:

WP1:

often resulting in
different takes and
perspectives for each
article. Many factors
go into the bias, and
each has its own
importance in terms of
how the finished article
is presented to the
readers
WP1:
I only had a total of 4
paragraphs my first
time.

much more clearly. Also

with more breaks
between ideas, my
reader has an easier
time digesting the
points that Im trying to
get across.

incredibly) tough time

getting through it.
Joe, I need you to
think in terms of
pieces of your paper.
What pieces can you
lay down for me, one
at a time, so that you
can guide me
through the
progression of your
argument?

WP1:
Original Structure:
Intro
Differences
Similarities
Importance
Conclusion

You might want to

find a way -- earlier
on -- to acknowledge
the
organization/structur
e of this paper (ie,
first you'll be
examining the
similarities, and
THEN you'll get into
the differences.)

New Structure:
Intro
Similarities
Similar Set-Up
Similar headlines
Similar Past bring up
Limitations
Bias
Bias of Mets Article
Bias of Dodger Article
Conclusion

WP1:

Are you saying that

"constraints" means
"annoyance"? That's
not quite on point.

By taking this part out, I

I took out the (or
annoyance) adlib that as an author sound
I had.
more invested in my

One constraint (or

annoyance) that is
extremely important in
the sports world is the
favoritism that the
larger, multi-sport
covering websites
sometimes have.
WP1:

Each article also

always conatians a
headline that serves as
a small introduction to
the article as a whole.
The headline is
supposed to grab the
readers attention and

How about some

textual
examples/support?
Help me SEE your
points.

By laying out similarities

first, Im able to make
the differences seem
that much more
important. And since
thats what my whole
argument is about, it
improved the context of
the differences and
made them seem much
more important.

paper and my reader is

more likely to listen to
my argument more
closely.

While taking about

headlines, I added a
few in for examples
and then elaborated on
their purpose and
what they do for the
reader.

By providing textual
evidence for my reader,
Im helping them SEE
my argument and what
Im trying to point out to
them rather than just
having them take my
word for it.

draw them in, as

WP1:
This allows the reader
to have more of an
inclination to follow
the article--and even
the writer--more
closely than they would
have before
WP1:
Writers also love to
mention the past and
bring up old events that
sometimes barely even
relate to the situation
they are covering.

WP2:

Hazing is sometimes
seen as an inevitable
consequence that
comes with playing
sports, with the notion
of the more you
advance in your
respective sport, the
more hazing that will
occur.
WP2:

Punctuation-wise,
this works just fine,
but I'm wondering
what this dashed
side-thought is doing.
Is it necessary?

I took out the side

thought.

By taking out this sidethought, Im enabling

the reader to focus
more on my argument,
and not the sidethought that was a
distraction from the
overall point of my
paragraph.

And by that, I mean,

slowing down and
devoting at least a
paragraph+ to it.
(And if you're doing
that, weaving it into
your thesis
statement, along with
everything else
you're using to
support your major
point.)

I chose to create a
new paragraph and
dedicate it solely to
this topic of pastconnections

Since this is a central

part to my argument, by
dedicating an entire
paragraph to this, then
my argument is better
seen and better laid out
for my reader to see
and interept.

I'd like you to try find

a way to clear this up
-- was a bit confusing
to me.

Cleared up a few parts

of the sentence and
made the thought Im
trying to express
clearly and easier to
understand.

This sentence if hard to

get through and can be
hard to understand.
Thus it was slowing
down my momentum so
in order to help my
reader get through my
ideas and transition, I
had to help them see
my ideas more clearly.

1, a semicolon could
work well in the
middle of that
sentence From X,
blah blah; from Y,
blah blah.

I changed the
structure of my
sentence to save space
and chose to have a
semicolon split my
ideas

By adding a semicolon
Im breaking up ideas
and allowing my reader
to more clearly see the
separation of my
thoughts and
arguments.

Overall, depending on
the genre, an author
must use different
moves, must conform
to different
conventions, and must
know their audience so 2, Turn sociology and
psychology into
as to better connect to

the reader and drive

their points home.
WP2:

Although each genre

looks at hazing
differently, one
similarity can be found
between each article
that links the genres
together at a level
deeper than just the
topic.

WP2:
one similarity can be

found between each

article that links the
genres together at a
level deeper than just
the topic. One such
similarity that exists in
each source, is the use
of first hand accounts
from those who have
been hazed. These firsthand accounts that each
source is able to
provide helps...
WP2:
Thus, the call-to-

action coincides with

the audiences
expectations of
learning why hazing
occurs, as well as
providing a solution or
two that the reader can
take with them.
(was originally last

adjectives (so that

they modify the non
standpoint).
Is there a more
scholarly way of
putting this? Think:
nerd verbs.

I changed looks at
to has different
speculations towards

Looks at isnt as
scholarly or doesnt
hold the same
connotation as
speculation does. By
using speculation, Im
providing a feeling of
academic astuteness,
so my reader is more
inclined to take what Im
arguing to heart.

I think you're wasting

this space -- you said
this in the previous
sentence

I rearranged and
rewrote these
sentences to take out
the papers that were
a bit repetitious.

This keeps momentum

going from point to
point, and allows my
ideas to flow without
stumbling over each
other. It also helps save
space and allows me to
directly go into my next
idea or thought.

Awesome. I'd
consider promoting
this phrase to the
topic sentence of the
paragraph (b/c that's
what the whole
paragraph is
ultimately about).

I followed the advice

from Z and made this
my topic sentence for
paragraph 5.

This helps me lay out

the argument for this
paragraph better and
my reader is able to
know exactly what Im
trying to argue, what my
point is, and where its
going. It overall adds
clarity to my paper by
laying out my argument.

sentence of
paragraph).
WP2:
This move also

provides the reader

with more examples
which may lead to the
reader experiencing a
better connection with
one example than they
would the other,
causing the point to be
driven home more than
it normally would if
just one example had
been given

For a second there, I

was wondering
"which move?" Then
I remembered, oh
yeah, expansion.

I made sure to clarify

what exactly I meant
by the term of
expansion, so I first
elaborated on that at
the beginning of my
I think you might
paper. Then, I chose
want to explain what
to not use a pronoun,
you mean by
"expansion," that way by the expansion
it's crystal-clear what instead when
describing.
you mean by it

By clearing up what I
was making a case for,
my reader can better
understand the impact
this move has on the
paper. Also, by making
sure the reader knew
what I was talking
about, Im making sure
theyre more focused
on what Im trying to
say, and they dont
have to stop and halt
their momentum.

I'm not sure what you I rearranged the

WP2:
mean by this. The
sentence itself,
With the data collected
data collection was
adding clarity where
from all 11 athletes
overwhelming? Or
needed and overall
being so
the results were so
just trying to make
overwhelming, yet
obvious? Or
sure that my point of
something else?
serving at the base of
their being a lot of
their argument,
data was made.

By me being able to
explain how much
information was
gathered by the
psychologists, Im
adding some credibility
to the moves I describe
later as Im showing
that the way they
organized their data
was truly important to
the outcome of their
paper.

WP1:
yet still being able to

By adding transitions
between paragraphs,
my paper has a much
better flow throughout
and is a lot easier for
the reader to follow. By
transitioning between
paragraphs, Im fusing
my ideas together
before diving straight
into the next one,

Waldron and Kowalski

were able to

not overwhelm the

reader with
information.
Vice News is an
internet-based
company that takes
pride in covering
events

How are you getting

from
paragraph/sentence
1 to
paragraph/sentence
2? I think you need to
work in a transition to
smooth it out.

I added transitions
between a lot of
paragraphs to help
my argument change
from one idea to
another.

helping my reader be
eased into the next
piece of the argument
Im providing.