Running head: REVISION DOCUMENT

Text from my initial

submission:

An
observation/question
I received from De
Piero or a classmate:
Marta: Do not use the
name of the article that
you are quoting.

In the article called

Backpacks vs.
Briefcases: Steps
toward Rhetorical
Analysis, Carroll
(2010) explains, As
audiences we want to
know the facts of the
matter, and logos
helps present these
statistics, data, and
logical statements
(p.52).
We all know that
Adam: Super boring
writing plays an
first sentence.
important role in our
lives and that writing is
a key part of our
professional lives.

All of the documents

from RightScale have
one thing in common they are brief, concise,
simple while still being
reliable, structured and
containing all the
important information.

Zack: I'd encourage

you to steer clear or
"things' -- it's suuuuper
vague. Be as precise as
you can.

Different readers can

best understand
different messages.

Zack: Can you get

more specific?

The changes I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

In the article that

discusses the steps
toward rhetorical
analysis Carroll (2010)
explains, As
audiences we want to
know the facts of the
matter, and logos
helps present these
statistics, data, and
logical statements (p.
52).

This change is correct

according to the APA
formatting and APA intext citations.

The tech industry is not

just for nerds who are
fluent in coding
anymore; people
working within the
industry need to be
able to communicate
and write
professionally, just like
my friend Alec Missel.
All of the documents
from RightScale have a
few elements in
common - they are
brief, concise, simple
while still being
reliable, structured and
containing all the
important information.
Different readers can
best understand
different messages.
RightScale always
analyzes its audience
by gathering
information about their
knowledge and by

Hopefully, the changes

I made had a positive
impact on my paper. I
feel that it draws the
reader in. It's more
interesting and it
describes what the
paper is really about the IT industry,
writing, and Alec.
I used the word
elements instead of
using the word thing
and I changed the
sentence a bit. I feel
like this fits in there
way better and it's not
as vague.
By adding more
sentences, I was able to
be more specific and to
explain what I meant
by that sentence. I
explained the sentence
and I gave the reader
an example.

REVISION DOCUMENT

Continuing on, I
received an email that
a RightScale sales
employee would send
to a potential client.

Zack: Can you

categorize this in a
genre? Think of its
purpose. (Remember
when we looked at that
"letter of
recommendation
request" emails earlier
this quarter?)

This document
provides a high-level
overview of the
companys approach to
the prospective
customer and it is
written in a
professional yet
friendly way.

Zack: Who are their

prospective customers?
Do they tailor their
work to a specific
demographic?

Some of their biggest

customers include VW
Audi, Technicolor,
Pinterest, and Angies
List. Alec was able to
send me four different
documents (writing
artifacts) that I will
analyze later in this
paper. First of all is the
Cloud Management

Zack: You're "shifting

gears" a bit here -going from RightScale
background info to
Alec's documents -- so
it might be a good
place to start a new
paragraph.

doing demographic
research of the
population. After
considering all the
known factors, a
profile of the intended
audience can be
created, allowing
RightScale to write in a
manner that is
understood by the
intended audience.
Continuing on, I
received an email that
a RightScale sales
employee would send
to a potential client.
This kind of an email
can be categorized in
the genre of sales
emails because it
establishes credentials,
introduces an offer, and
it invites to further
communication.
Most of the
RightScale's
documents target big
sales departments but
some of them are more
technical and target
software engineers and
CTOs (Chief
Technology Officers)
from large companies.
I divided the initial
paragraph into two
separate paragraphs.

By adding this
important information
about genres, I
established what the
exact type of the email
is that Alec sends to his
clients. This way the
reader can better
imagine what I am
talking about.

By establishing who
the prospective
customers are, the
reader of my paper can
understand how the
artifacts are written
and can better imagine
what I am talking
about.
By splitting the
paragraph into two
paragraphs the text is
easier to read and it is
less confusing. It is
much easier to get
though it and follow
through.

REVISION DOCUMENT
Brief.

RightScale is
continuously
transforming the way
companies deliver IT
through offering a
Cloud Management
SaaS (Software as a
Service) platform.
Even IT specialists,
managers and sales
development
representatives are
required having great
writing skills.

Zack: Try to vary the

start of your sentences
-- you've got 4 back-toback "RightScale is..."
sentences.

The company is
continuously
transforming the way
companies deliver IT
through offering a
Cloud Management
SaaS (Software as a
Service) platform.
Zack: Don't forget your Even IT specialists,
Oxford Commas!
managers, and sales
development
representatives are
required having great
writing skills.

RightScale achieves a
great balance of using
jargon and language
that everyone can
understand.

Zack: Can you hook

me up with some
examples of this?

Alex is working as a
Sales Development
Specialist at cloud
management company
in Santa Barbara called
RightScale.

Adam: Include some

background on Alec.

RightScale achieves a
great balance of using
jargon and language
that everyone can
understand. An
example of a great
balance in this
document can be seen
when RightScale uses
jargon in the main text
of the document while
it also has small boxes
on the side or
underneath the text
with an explanation of
that specific term.
Alec is a young male
in his twenties. After
getting his MBA in
New York he moved
across the country to
start his dream life here
in California. He is
now working as a Sales
Development
Specialist at cloud

This way I do not

repeat myself all the
time. It gives some
variety to the text.

Your comment made

me go through the rest
of my paper to see if I
was using oxford
commas correctly
everywhere. Leaving
out the oxford comma
can lead to some
confusion.
This way the reader of
my paper can see
what I am talking
about. Examples help
add value to my
writing. Examples also
show that I can
understand what I am
writing about.

I used to have a whole

context paragraph
about the company but
just one sentence about
Alec. I added more
info about Alec so that
the reader can get
familiar with him. It is
more balanced now.

REVISION DOCUMENT
management company
in Santa Barbara called
RightScale.
I just had two readings
in there:
In the article that
discusses the steps
toward rhetorical
analysis Carroll (2010)
explains, As
audiences we want to
know the facts of the
matter, and logos
helps present these
statistics, data, and
logical statements (p.
52).
Jargon is the
terminology used by
those in a particular
professional or group
to facilitate clear and
precise
communication
(Boyd, 2011, p. 89).

Adam: Include more

than just 2 class
readings.

I added the comic book

reading: In the comic
book created by Losh
and Alexander (2013),
the authors conclude,
Writing means always
changing changing to
meet the needs of
different audiences (p.
117).

At first, I did not

realize that I need to
have three readings. So
I added one from the
comic book. Including
more varied evidence
adds more credibility
and trustworthiness to
my paper.