NoelVincent

McKay
Comm1050
November17,2015

Paper2:

Intherelationshipbetweenafemaleandamale,thecommunicationstylesaregoingto
bedifferent.DeborahTannenwhohasdonealotofresearchonthedifferentstylesshowshow
theconversationisdifferentbetweenmenandwomen.Ithoughtthatthiswasveryinteresting
anddecidedtotakeacloserlookbetweenmyboyfriendandI.Wehavebeendatingforfive
monthssowehavemostdefinitelyhadmanyconversations.Notonlyhavewehadmany
conversations,butmanycommunicationissuesaswell.Thispaperwillanalyzeacouple
conversationstylesthatmyboyfriendandIusetotryandcommunicate.Communicationerrors
betweenmyboyfriendandIcanbeshownbyTannensstudiesofindirectversusdirectand
troubletalkversusfixit.
Theindirectvs.directconversationstyleisinterestingbecausebothpartieswantto
connect,butthestylesjustarenotclearfortheeachother.AccordingtoTannenconcerning
directvs.indirectconversationstyles,
ItsoftensaidthatAmericanwomenaremoreindirect
thanAmericanmen,[...]womenareespeciallylikelytobeindirectwhenitcomestotelling
otherswhattodo,whichisnotsurprising,consideringgirlsreadinesstobrandothergirlsas
bossy(hbr.org).
MostofmyconversationswithmyboyfriendIamveryindirect.Forinstance,
onetimeweweredrivingandIlookedoutthewindowsawaMcDonaldsandsaidwow,a
hamburgersoundsgoodrightnow.Hesaidyeahanddidnotdoanythingelse.Iobviously
wantedthefoodandwasindirectaboutit,soIlatergotmadbecauseIwashungry.Hesaidthat
ifIwasmoredirect,thenIwouldhavegotmyfood.Hehoweverisalwaysdirectandthatmakes
itsuperclearwhathewantsatalltimes.
AnotherimportantconversationstyleisFixitvs.Troubletalk.Thisisimportantbecause
manywomenliketotalkabouttheirproblemsandjustcomplain.Thepurposeofthisisnotto

findasolution,butjusttovent.Tannenexplainshowwomenusethisstyleandwhyitcanbe
frustratingforme,Tryingtosolveaproblemorfixatroublefocusesonthemessagelevelof
talk.Butformostwomenwhohabituallyreportproblemsatworkorinfriendships,themessage
isnotthemainpointofcomplaining.It'sthemetamessagethatcounts:Tellingaboutaproblemis
abidforanexpressionofunderstanding(Tannen,p.23).Thisconversationstyleshowshow
expressiveIam,especiallywithmyfeelingsandheisnot.Heusuallyjuststatesthefactsand
neverwantstotalkabouthisemotions.Whenheseesmestartingtotalkaboutaproblemthehe
wantstofixit,howeverusuallyIjustwanttoventtosomeone.Oneexamplewouldbejustlast
week.IhadaverystressfuldayatworkwhereIdealtwithalotofrudecustomers,Ijustwanted
totalktomyboyfriendabouttheday.However,hetoldmedifferentwaysthatIcouldapproach
theproblem.HewantedmetoexplainhowIinteractedwiththecustomers,howeverIjust
wantedtocomplainaboutit.IendedupgettingalittleannoyedbecauseonceherealizedthatI
didnotwantasolution,hedroppedtheentireconversation.Duringthesetimes,Iwanttotalk
aboutaneventthathappenedandwanthimtoempathizewithme,buthejusttriestofind
solutionstotheproblem.Ifthereisnotasolutiontotheproblem,thenhedropsthesubject.This
usuallyhurtsmyfeelingsfurther,andnosolutionsarereached.

Thesecommunicationstylesdefinitelyshowthepowerintherelationship.SinceIam
indirectandtrytoavoidconflictIgettheshorterendofthestick.Iwouldsaymyboyfriend
definitelyhasmorepowerintherelationship.Heisalwaysdirectandtriestofixthingswhen
thereisanissue.Iamtheoppositeandwilljustkeepquietandletthingsmullover.IfIcould
changethebalanceofpowerIwouldspeakupmoreandtrynottoletimportantconversation
topicsdropjustbecausehecannotthinkofawaytofixitimmediately.
Forme,copingwiththeconversationstylesisahardthingtodo.Alotoftimesithurts
myfeelings,butItrytorememberthathedoescareaboutme,hejustistryingtogettotheroot
oftheproblemandonceheistherehetriestofindaquickfix.Ifitisnottherethenhemoveson.
Inthelastweek,Iaskedmyboyfriendhowhefeelslikehecopeswithmyconversationalskills
especiallythesetwoconversationstyles.HetoldmethathejustneedstorememberthatIam
probablysayingthethingsIamsayingforareason.Hethengoesontoexplainthatheusually
triestofigureoutwhatIamtryingtosay,andfigureoutwhatImean.Itseemedthathislogic

wasnotquiteonstraight,inmyopinion.Thismadeitseemthatheisnotexactlyintouchwith
hisemotions.However,onethingthatissimilarinourconversationstylesisthatwearealways
willingtocommunicate.Webothwanttheothertobehappyandtounderstandwheretheother
iscomingfrom.Bykeepingthatgoalinthebackofourheadswelearntocopewiththe
differences.Asoflate,thesecopingstrategiesarenotalwayssuccessfulbecausesometimesour
pridecangetintheway.
Therearemanytheoriesthatourclasshasdiscussedinordertohelponedevelopbetter
communicationandbetterrelationships.ForthisspecificrelationshipIthoughttheSocial
ExchangeTheoryworkedwell.Whenthistheoryisusedcorrectlyrelationshipscanmovefrom
nonintimatetointimate.Alsothewholeideaofweighingoutthecostsandrewardsisimportant.
Selfdisclosureisimportantinmyrelationshipbecauseitisthepurposefulprocessofrevealing
informationaboutoneself.Selfdisclosureisimportantwithmyboyfriendbecausehemightbe
abletounderstandwhereIamcomingfrommorethanhedoesrightnow.Ifwedonotdothis,
thenwewillstarttodepenetrate,whichistherelationshipdissolvingduetomiscommunication.
Howeverbyweighingoutthecostsandrewards,wewillhopefullyavoiddepenetrating.Taylor
andAltmanin1987explainthatexpectationsandexperiencesaretakenintoaccountinthe
reward/costratio,rewardsandcostsareconsistentlyassociatedwithmutualsatisfactionof
personalandsocialneed(1987,p.264).Therewards/costrationisveryimportanttomy
boyfriendandIbecauseifweweighthose,thenwewilllearnandadapttothedifferent
conversationstyles.
Inconclusion,therearealotofconversationaldifferencesbetweenmeandmyboyfriend.
Wehaveahardtimeagreeingoncertainthingsandseemtohavethesamefightsbecauseofour
conversationaldifferences.Ithinkonethingthatwouldimproveourcommunicationisdevelop
bettercopingskillstowardseachotherandourdifferences.Byusingthesecopingskillsbothmy
boyfriendandIcanbemoreunderstandingandtrytounderstandwheretheotheroneiscoming
from.Anothergoodthingtothinkaboutisthatwearedifferentgendersandtrytothinkabout
theirthoughtprocess,thinkingwhyaresaying/actingthewaytheyarerightnow?Theothergood
thingtodoisweighoutthecostsandrewards.IbelievethatIwillbesurprisedthattherewards

willoutweighthecostsonceIstarttounderstandwhyheissayingthethingshedoes.Bydoing
thisourfightswillcutinhalfandourconversationswillflowmoresmoothly.

WorksCited:

Tannen,Deborah."ThePowerofTalk:WhoGetsHeardandWhy."
HarvardBusinessReview
.
N.p.,01Sept.1995.Web.02Dec.2015.
<
https://hbr.org/1995/09/thepoweroftalkwhogetsheardandwhy
>.
Tannen,Deborah."ChapterOne."
YouJustDon'tUnderstand:WomenandMeninConversation
.
NewYork,NY:Morrow,1990.23.Print.
Altman,I.,&Taylor,D.A.(1973).
Socialpenetration:Thedevelopmentofinterpersonal
relationships.
NewYork:Holt,Rinehart&Winston.