RA Paper Peer Review Part 2

From Yumeng to April

Pay attention to tense literature present tense Carroll states/says/
Neville does/makes/
In-text citation page number after quotation, and do not forget to
analyze your quote
Header font should be times new roman too
1. Thesis Follow Through
Entry:
Thesis: Mathesons underlining message to the reader is the act of
prejudice.
Main idea of paragraph one: Neville holds prejudice towards the new
human. Neville becomes a monster as the story develops.
Main idea of paragraph two: Neville is a protagonist who makes wrong
decisions and is feared by the majority. It focuses on the twist of
Nevilles identiy.
Main idea of paragraph three: Rush is the most positive character.
Main idea of paragraph four: Prejudice is the hidden monster
throughout the whole novel. It fools Neville but is defeated by Ruth.
I think the idea of prejudice is throughout your paper. You talk about
Nevilles being controlled by prejudice, Ruths defeating prejudice, and
Nevilles realizing his mistake, etc. However, you topic sentences need
works. I do not see them clearly make connections to the thesis. The
ideas are good, but try to think about your point and rephrase it.
2. Paragraph: Cohesion
I think the paragraphs are talking about more than one idea, except
the one mainly talking about Ruth. I think your paragraphs are more
like a combination of a lot of ideas. You throw a lot of things into them
but have not given them a main focus. Your paper looks more like a lot
of raw material thoughts instead of a well-organized essay. The first
sentences of the paragraphs do not give me overall views because you
throw some unexpected things, and it seems that they do not support
what appeared in your first sentences. Try to find a main pocus for
each paragraph and write an arguable topic sentence for each.
In the third paragraph (Neville is seen as the protagonist of the novel
), the first sentence talks about the reason why Neville is seen as
the protagonist. Then you talk about the readers expectation in the
following sentence. Afterwards, you give the twist that Matheson make
at the end of the novel by saying the story does not have a happy end.
Next, you emphasized that Ruth is the key point that makes Nevilles
attitudes change, and then briefly summarize and explain the end of

the book, where Ruth forces Neville to see his mistakes. I can see the
logic, but it seems to make no sense. I cannot get what you are trying
to say or prove through this paragraph. You should give me a main
focus. Therefore, I cannot say that this paragraph is coherent because
of the lack of the point that these sentences can cohere to. The
transitions between sentences are good. Most of the sentences are
connected logically. It is easy to follow your reasoning. However, you
really need to clarify your main idea of this paragraph at the very
beginning.
3. Structure for Overall Essay
The whole essays structure needs more work. Each paragraph deals
with something specific that is related to the thesis. But, you need to
point out what these points are by add topic sentences and make
paragraphs more coherent. There seems to be no necessary
connections between paragraphs. It is a little bit hard to follow your
reasoning. I can see your paper is gathering depth as it developed, for
you talk about Neville as monster first and then point out that the true
monster is prejudice. It is very good. But you need to work more on
showing the connections. The transition can be smoother. You talk
about how Neville is fooled by his prejudice and how Rush comes over
her prejudice first, then you mention both points in the paragraph
which you talking about the hidden monster prejudice. It is a nice
move. You make the connection, but it appears at the very end of the
paragraph. I think maybe you can talk about it earlier in the paragraph
so that the logical connection will be better, and that your reasoning
will be easier to follow.
4. Academic Ethos of Writer
The ethos is fairly strong. Language is formal and academic. Pay
attention to the tense. Remember to use present tense when talking
about the book and outside sources. Do not forget the page number
after the quotes. You appear a expert on what you are talking about,
for you show that you are familiar with you book and know what you
are talking about.
5. Language
Word Choice:
1. Realized (para 1 sent 3 more than they realized) notice, are
aware of (You have already used realize at the beginning of the
sentence)
2. Most (Para 3 sent 1 side with the most familiar form) more (I
think there are only two sides human or vampire)

3. And (Para 3 sent 7 Neville killed Ruths husband and in the end )
but (From Nevilles killing to Ruths forgiving, there should be a twist,
so but may be better than and.)
Wordiness:
1. , they did not fit into the normal categories of everyday life he
once knew. (Para 2)
I think normal and of everyday life he once knew are saying the
same thing. I think you just need either one of them.
2. The use of the repetition of the word thinking emphasizes the
isolation of Nevilles situation to the reader. (Para 2)
I think we know that it is emphasized to the reader, so I think you can
delete to the reader. I also think you do not need the use of in the
beginning. Just say the repetition of the word
3. Neville is seen as the protagonist of the novel because he stands
alone facing the mob and the reader chooses to side with the most
familiar form. (Para 3)
I do not think you need to emphasize Neville is the protagonist of the
novel. Just say he is seen as the protagonist.
4. to ultimately win in the end (Para 3)
Ultimately = in the end. I think you only need one of them.
Sentences Structure:
1. If we look within our own society today, we still see prejudice
around us it just appears in a different forms. (Para 1)
You need to add punctuation.
If we look within our own society today, we still see prejudice around
us; it just appears in different forms.
2.He wanted to eliminate them and try to recreate the world he once
knew but the reader knows that no matter what he tries, it would never
be the same. (para 2)
You need a stop between knew and but, or your sentence is a little
bit hard to read.
He wanted to eliminate them and try to recreate the world he once
knew. However, the reader knows that no matter what he tries, it
would never be the same.
3. At this point only months after his wifes death and civilization as he
knew it ended, the reader sees him losing his mind. (Para 2)
This sentence is not very readable to me.

It is only months after his wifes death and ended civilization, but the
reader sees his losing his mind at this point.
4. This is where the reader begins to see Nevilles impurities, if he is
split mentally what stops him from being identified as the monster?
(Para 2)
Personally, I do not think questions are appropriate in academic
essays. But I am not sure.
5. Almost instantly we saw outrage and disbelief in the news and all
over social media spreading hate and judgement against those who
believed it was right. (Para 1)
Almost instantly we saw outrage and disbelief in the news and all over
social media. Some people spread hate and judgment against those
who believed it was right.