Meza 1

Marisol Meza
Professor Adler
STACC- English 100-#70525
December 2, 2015
Somewhere to Belong
In A Place to Stand, a memoir by Jimmy Santiago Baca, chapter three begins with an
unstable mixture of emotional conflicts and past disappointments, which ultimately define Bacas
18 year old life. It is the circumstances of the abandonment by his family which only further fuel
and enhance his disappointment and aggression towards the world and his miserable fate. The
inability to subdue these feelings of resentment had finally pushed him over the edge and made
him flee south from New Mexico to San Diego, California. It is in this search of a new beginning
where he first met a girl named Lonnie and a white guy from Michigan named Marcos. He
begins to experience a skewed and unfamiliar perception of what proper relationships are and
what the true meaning of friendship really is. Baca demonstrates through an array of tragedies,
series of unfortunate events and social interactions, which only fueled his internal conflicts for
this constant quest for any emotional acceptance or connection in his life. Because of the
irresponsibility, unjustified abandonment, of both parents, Bacas entire life was negatively
impacted, and incomplete, specifically in his search to find someone to love and be loved in
return.
It was during his search, which Baca found it necessary to escape his past and leave the
only life he has ever known. A turning point in Bacas life was when he arrived to San Diego.
He ultimately searched to fulfill the desire to pursue the possibility for a new beginning and
longed for emotional acceptance, of anyone. In Bacas words, I marveled at the force of my
emotions, which had pushed me over the edge and left without options, expect to escape as far
west as I could go (Baca, 43). At only 18 years of age, his life and his parental abandonment

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which lead a downward spiral, leading to further incarceration and further disappointment of his
life. Research states that, there is an attachment theory which conceptualized hopes, expectations
and fears of having a relationships (Mohr, 2015). Baca hoped by leaving his painful past trying
to forget everything and everyone who had left him and had caused him misery, he could find
inner peace. But it proved not to be as simple, suddenly, when he had lost all hope, he meets
Marcos and Lonnie. For a quick instance, both of them momentary provided Baca with the
necessary attachment. It is through his symbolic association and misconception of what love and
acceptance is supposed to be. He gravitates towards Marcos and Lonnie and connects with them
both mentally and emotionally. It is this connection which his parents and family had deprived
him all his life.
Marcos, was an Italian man from Michigan and Lonnie a love interest which had left her
entire life and chose to run away with Baca, after merely knowing each other for a day, had both
in a short time proved their loyalty and devotion to Baca. However, it is in this short time in
which an array of unfamiliar emotions and a new level of social interactions began to unfold.
Baca mentions, I was searching for something to make me feel more a part of the world...
(Baca, 62). Since he had never experienced any sort of positive social interactions with any
other human beings, outside of his accustomed prison life, he was skeptical in accepting this new
discovered friendship. At a young age, he had dropped out of school, never forming any positive
relationships outside of the existence of his brother. He did not have any friends or positive role
models, let alone anyone who actually cared about him. It was in this friendship he found in
Marcos and Lonnie, in which he experienced his first connection with a different type of human
life. Baca recalls, one particular late night while talking, Marcos unexpectedly blurts out, I want
to thank you for being my friend, Baca recalls feeling, A little embarrassed by his admission

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because it just wasnt done; loyalty and friendship spoke for itselfand because no one had ever
thanked me before for being a friendMarcos was the best friend I had ever had(Baca, 65).
Baca still had a clouded perception and doubt of his own ability to recognize these new found
friendships, as sincere. Baca affirms, Lonniewas the first women since Theresa [his exgirlfriend] who made me believe that I could love again... (Baca, 59). It was in these particular
moments which Baca was truly able to recognize he had formed a true connection, outside of
New Mexico and the prison walls. It was to be the first time Baca felt love and actually believed
he could love in return.
However, there still existed a persistent and internal conflict with Baca and the desire to
accept the any new positive relationships in his life. His remembrance of his painful past made it
difficult for Baca to feel complete. His heart expressed a profound ache, which he tried to
conceal and push away from Lonnie and Marcos. In Bacas words, I couldnt share with anyone
the pain that still drove my exploration to find a place to stand comfortably in my own
skin(Baca, 62). Successful researcher by the name of D. Gregory, can recalls a women of only
three years of age, being left by her at a public location. The women can still recall the anguish
and the desolation of the traumatic experience left her with. She lost the will to eat, to live and
suffered the consequences of being malnourished and the will to not wanting to live without her
mother. (Gregory, 1993). It is the same traumatic in Bacas life which caused his inability to be
happy and even at times caused him question his existence. He yearned to become accepted,
secretly comparing the new people in his life to the abandonment of his mother and father. The
same indifference he had with his mother he experienced with Theresa. Baca recalls, Id see a
woman through the window having dinner with her kids and Id think of my own mother, how
we were complete strangers tied only by birth(Baca, 51). Every moment in his life he lived with

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the constant burden on his shoulders and the fear of being once again abandoned or rejected.
Baca recalls thinking, My mother, father and brother had all left me to start a new life, and
maybe, with luck, I could too. (Baca, 43). Baca too wanted the opportunity to begin a new life.
Even at times, when life was going well Baca still struggled to find his inner peace and to forget
about his past. A highly recognized specialist, Brenda Wade, affirms abandonment is not simply
the wrenching loss of one or both parents through deathit is also the emotional alienation
caused by a distant or cold parent, whos still in the home or living and is simply chooses not to
be present (Wade, 1995). The fact that both of his parents were alive and had not died due
through some tragic event in his life, made it simply inexcusable and tormented him. His
constant quest in his life was to fill these empty spaces. The spaces, which his parents had
created.
Baca viewed his life as blank spaces I found myself in new circumstances, a new
place, drawn not so much by any plan or effort as by an unconscious faith that fate would
place me where I belonged, where things would go right.(Baca, 45) Baca believed, he had
finally arrived to the point in his life where he can belong and live an honest life; alongside of
Lonnie and Marcos. The pain of his of his past is what fueled his quest to start a new life. The
pain and isolation gave him the courage to persevere, yet the self-doubt and inadequacies of his
life made him question its longevity. Baca writes, I was looking forward to life again without
having to be looking over my shoulder or worrying about being thrown in jail (Baca, 55). His
continued search to fill the void of his familys absence gave him hope to flee from his past and
bury his resentment and sorrow. According to Baca, I was searching for something to make me
feel more a part of the world (Baca, 62). Baca was searching to fill the void, of the
abandonment of his family which did not allow him to completely allow Marcos and Lonnie in

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his life. Baca states, Marcos and Lonnie brought out the best in me and were the most accepting
people Id ever been with... Theyd come to see me as someone they could reply on, who was
strong with a clear idea of what we should do (Baca, 61). It was in these friendships, which he
found his inner peace and purpose in his life, yet he still had his doubts.
Throughout Bacas book, we are able to physically see the symbolism of his
search for human affection. Yet, through his heavy anguish and lingering resentment that he
believes his mother and father will one day return for him. It is through his writing which he so
vividly illustrates his hopes and acceptance of his parents indifference. Even at times accepting
how dysfunctional his childhood had been. He mostly blamed himself not his parents or family.
Baca still believed he could forgive them. He states, I could cope with my fathers alcoholism,
my mothers abandonment, my brothers violence towards me, and my sisters indifference, if
only things would return to the way they once were(Baca, 62). He just yearned, to just go back
home and the way things were. He convinced himself he could forgive everyone who has hurt
him as long as he could get another chance.
He blamed his mishaps with the police and his poor choices in his life; on his upbringing
and on his parents. Everything seem to help and mold all of his social interactions and internal
conflicts he felt within. It is through his own insecurities which made him question every aspect
of his young life in search for this emotional acceptance, all because of his parents. The heavy
burden of not being accepted and the fear of being abandoned yet again, left him with the uneasy
feeling of instability. Bacas chose his words to be youthful, short and direct sentences and
provides subtle reminders throughout the chapter of his age. For example, Baca emphasis, I was
eighteen and worst off than the day I was born(Baca, 43). It is through his words in which the
he provides the reader the complexity and deliberation of his choice of words and mindset.

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Through the constant lack of articulation we are able to yet again be reminded of Bacas young
age. His words profound, yet simple.
Baca, ultimately believes that he found in Lonnie and Marcos, the indispensable love and
acceptance, he has been craving. As researcher Wade, articulated, The feelings of loss and
abandonment must be released in order to heal (Wade, 3). Baca found his method of healing
though his writing and his poetry. Even after additional tragic events occur in his life, after his
release from jail. He proclaims he found forgiveness, maybe deep inside believing they had
ultimately suffered the repercussion of their unjust actions. However, he is eventually able to find
his inner peace. As he concludes and affirms I slowly began to forgive them [all the people
which had hurt him]. Baca also all the hurt he had caused to others and to himself. It was then
that he was finally free to begin his life and ensure to have a life he could be proud of. He no
longer needed his mother, father or his family to complete him. Baca found in forgiveness the
ultimate reward, inner peace and acceptance which the idealistic family life he had
envisioned for himself, was not meant to be.

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Works Cited
Baca, Jimmy Santiago. A Place to Stand.
New York: Grove Press, 2001. Book.
Brick-Painter Catherine, Smith, Malcom. Abandon Children. United Kingdom: Cambridge
University Press, 2000. Web. 2 December 2015.
Gregory, Deborah. Searching for Mommy. Essence (Essence) 24.1 (1993: 70. Psychology and
Behavioral Science Collection. Web. 2 Dec. 2015.
Mohr, Johnathan cook-Lyon, Rachel Kolcha kian, Misty R. Love Imagined. Working Models of
Future Romantic Attachment in Emerging Adults. Personal Relationships 17.3
(2010):457-473 Psychology and Behavioral Sciences Collection. Web 2 Dec. 2015
Wade, Brenda. Fear of Abandonment. Essence. April 1995: 79+. SIRS Issues Researcher. Web
02 Dec. 2015