Sie sind auf Seite 1von 3

Dear Jeremy,

I am so impressed with your piece! It hardly reads like a draft, especially with the
careful formatting job. Your balance of personal and external sources on the subject is
perfect. I never once questioned your authority on the subject. I am the most impressed
by your handle on pacing. There was not a moment where I felt like the piece dragged,
which is difficult to achieve due to the amount of information you had to convey. I also
think the photographs you chose to include help establish your ethos in tandem with the
text, probably because of the close resemblance to The Atlantic.
There were only a few moments where your paper could have been, in my
opinion, noticeably stronger.

There are a few places where your diction and word choice could be a little more
effective. Luckily the United States populous has welcomed this challenge with
enthusiasm and grit, in more ways than one. : perhaps enthusiasm and grit isnt
the best combination of adjectives here, especially since the paper emphasizes the
negative aspects of preventative healthcare. Enthusiasm would suffice. In
accordance with this culture is my own regimented exercise schedule is
needlessly wordy and passive. My own regimented exercise schedule reflects
this culture is a bit more active, a form you adhere to for the majority of the
piece anyway.
I almost wished that there were more examples of the other side of your
argument: people who choose preventative care, or even people who are
ambivalent on the issue, like yourself. Of course, this is such an intense and
multifaceted issue it would be nearly impossible to encompass all sides of the
argument in this timeframe. I felt as though your repetition of (very well phrased,
pertinent questions) helped me relate to you as a reader. Maybe your conclusion
can include more of that moral ambiguity you explore throughout the majority of
the piece.

Thats honestly all I have to say on your paper. As you continue to revise, dont
compromise the preexisting clarity and pacing. Your structure is working; you just need
to polish up a few details to make it as effective as it has the potential to be.
Happy revising and keep writing,
Emily Cotton

JeremyI really enjoyed your first draft. I was intrigued by your topic and I think it turned
out excellent. I was nervous at first because I assumed that the topic would be difficult
for me to understand/ keep up with, but I felt the opposite. I think that the structure and
layout was perfect in what you created to be an article in the Atlantic. The picture
placement and content was fitting, but not too distracting. I think that your personal
experience and tone is what is driving the article. I do believe that you are able to capture
anyone as an audience considering you are able to keep it general and relatable. You are
incorporating you personal experience and opinion at the appropriate time. I think you
opening is perfect for attracting the audience using the women you helped as a case study
to transition into your thoughts on modern happiness.
As far as exigence goes, I think your topic is clear. However, what could be
improved upon is your tone in expressing the factual information. Yes, facts are facts but
if you could find a way to keep your tone in the presentation of the information, it will
make your piece flow more cohesive. I think you have achieved complexity in your
piece. If you add more complexity, I fear that it could get too medical. I saw your
note at the end about including an about the author section, which will definitely add
ethos to your writing. We already know that you worked as an EMT, but further
establishing yourself as credible to gain trust from your audience will enhance the piece.
I think your writing style is very strong. I pointed out in the comments that I
considered your line My first hours working on the ambulance exposed me to the very
core of human nature, and exemplified the fundamental desires of human beings as
somewhat of a thesis statement. I think it was a strong reflection of not only your
experience, but gives the reader an idea of what you are going to discuss. Something I
think you may be able to expand on is explanation of terms. I know I may sound
redundant with not getting too medical in order to obtain a larger audience, however, I
think an example of what you explained to be a one or three would be beneficial in
allowing the reader to visualize what you were experiencing. Another addition that I
think may improve the articles fluidity is the incorporation of transitions. Including a
transition when you are switching gears from your voice to more research based
information. An example being when you begin the paragraph according to the
statistics In addition I thought your counter arguments and acknowledgement of
another perspective was well done.
As I mentioned earlier I think that the format of the article is well done. You have
successful added images without them being too distracting. Overall, I really enjoyed
reading this article. The style is perfect for what I would normally find in the Atlantic
and I think your tone is also fitting for your targeted audience. I hope this letter helps! I
left more comments on the actual draft as well for more specific suggestions!
Allison Skaggs