LOL101

St Matts Youth
Number 1 in the series

Christian
Suitable for all ages

Jokealongalot

 Giffnock Consulting 2016

Christian
Christian
Commando Raid
Johnny had returned from Sunday School and his father asked what hed learned.
Johnny said, It was cool, Dad!
This guy Moses sent a force behind enemy lines near the Red Sea. The troops
erected some pontoon bridges over the Red Sea and all the people crossed over.
Then when the Egyptians tried to follow, Moses called in Air Support and blew the
bridges to smithereens and destroyed all the Egyptian troops and tanks.
Johnnys father was horrified. Did your teacher tell you all that?
Well, no, conceded Johnny, but you would not believe the version she came up
with!

Curiosity
The teacher was wrapping up a session on the importance of asking questions.
After all, she said, if it wasnt for curiosity, where would we be?
Keen Student: In the Garden of Eden?

A Lot to Think About

The teacher was explaining how God had told Lot to take his wife and flee out of
the city. And above all, not to turn back.
Unfortunately, Lot's wife turned back and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Kid No. 1: "That's nothing. Yesterday we were driving with Mum. She looked
around and turned into a telegraph pole."
Kid No. 2 "What happened to the flea?"

Adam & Eve

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 1

Giffnock 2016

Little Johnny was fascinated by the stories of creation, especially the one where
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs
Later in the week, his mother found him lying down as though he was ill, and said,
"Johnny, what's the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm about to have a wife."
Moses
A man was walking across a park when he heard a loud cry of: 'Praise the Lord!
What a miracle!'
He turned around and spotted a scruffy-looking teenager sitting under a tree with
what was obviously a bible sitting open on his lap.
"Why the excitement, young man?" he asked.
"I've just become a Christian," replied the youth, "and so I thought I should read this
book that God's written. And I've got to this bit where this dude Moses has parted
the Red Sea and the Israelites have crossed over on dry land! Wow! What a
miracle!". He grinned happily.
"Don't get carried away, son. I happen to be a bit of an expert on archaeology and
modern research has revealed that at that time the Red Sea was not really a sea
as we know it, but more of a swamp. So the Israelites would have crossed in no
more than ten centimetres of water."
"Ten centimetres?"
"I'm afraid so. You need to be careful of taking things at face value, young lad."
"Why thank you, Sir. I am most grateful to you. I could have made a serious error."
"My pleasure." Said the man smugly as he walked away.
He had only gone ten paces when he heard a loud
"Praise the Lord! What a miracle!"
He turned on his heel and snapped: "What now?"
"Well, said the youth," I'm just reading how God just drowned an entire Egyptian
army in ten centimetres of water!"

The Scripture Class

After the Kids Talk, it was now time for the usual question period.
"I have a question," said Martie.
"What's that?" asked the scripture teacher.
"Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"True."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again, correct."

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 2

Giffnock 2016

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the locals, then the Romans,
and so on and so on, right?"
"All that is correct," agreed the scripture teacher. "So what's your question?"
"What were the grown-ups doing?"

Timing
The Sunday School teacher said to group of little children:
Stand up if you want to go to heaven!
All stood except one small boy.
Dont you want to go?
Yes but not yet.

The Bible according to kids:

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been
retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in)

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles

Moses and the Hebrews made unleavened bread in the desert which is bread
without ingredients
Moses died before he ever reached Canada
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and
he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name
for marriage.
A Christian has only one spouse. Its called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 3

Giffnock 2016

Sounds like
Wayne was giving the children's message during the 10.00am church service.
For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him.
Wayne started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to
raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in Australia (pause) and has a big long tail (pause)..." No hands
went up.
"And it has a pouch (pause) and it hops (pause)..." The children were looking at
each other, but still no hands rose. "And it has two big hind legs and two small front
paws (pause) and it's got greyish fur (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. Wayne heaved a sigh of relief and
called on him. "Well," said the boy,
"I know the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a kangaroo to me!"

Amen
Little Peter and his family were having dinner at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When Peter
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Peter, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our
house."
"That's at our house," Peter explained, "but this is Gran's house, and she knows
how to cook!"

Fishing
This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there.
Guy goes to another spot and drills.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either.
Guy tries a third spot.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either.
Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager and this is the Macquarie
Ice Rink.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 4

Giffnock 2016

Jungle jumper
The missionary was in deepest Africa when a lion charged out of the bush. His only
hope was to get up a tree - but the lowest branch was 10 metres up!
He prayed He leapedHe missed!
Fortunately he was able to grab hold on the way down.

Class Logic
A college student was in a Philosophy class, where a class discussion about
whether or not God exists was in progress. The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class
touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the 3rd time, he simply stated, "Then there is no GOD."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.
The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following
questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's
brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute
silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according
to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.

Religious Nuts
Two Salvation Army officers were standing by the side of the country road with a
sign saying,
"The End is Near!
Turn round now before it's too late!"
and showed it to each passing car.
One driver didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you
religious nuts!"
Then they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and one of the Salvos
said to the other, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out'
instead?"

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 5

Giffnock 2016

Me too
They were discussing death. One of them asked the others: "When you are in your
casket and friends and family are gathered around you, what would you most like to
hear them say about you?
The favourite answer: Look hes moving!

You can take it with you

A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for
his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that
he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and
appeared to him.
"Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you. The man implored
the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man
continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to
take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with
pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man died and
showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man
explained that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God.
St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one bag,
but I need to check its contents before letting it through." He opened the suitcase
and exclaimed, "You brought PAVEMENT???"
Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a
very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was
swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher repeated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. The girl said, "When I get to heaven Ill ask Jonah."
When the teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

Wheres God?
He was just a little boy, on a weeks first day.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 6

Giffnock 2016

He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy dandelion, and blew out all the filler.
A birds nest in a tree above, so wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbour watched his zigzag course and hailed him from the lawn, Asked him
where hed been that day and what was going on.
Ive been to church, he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, Ive learned a lot of God.
Let me ask a question, the neighbour said, "Just a little quiz,"
"and I'll give you a brand new dollar if youll tell me where God is."
Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor were his accents faint.
Ill give you twenty, Mister, if you can tell me where God aint.

Dont try this anytime soon

An atheist professor was teaching a university class and he told the students that
he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I
want you to knock me off this platform. You have 10 minutes!"
Eight minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still
waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes as a footballer stood up, came
down from the back row of the lecture theatre and absolutely thumped the
professor, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Why did you do that?"
The footballer replied, "God thought that, on this occasion, Hed use me."

And your point is?

A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave
overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope
was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the
man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually."
The helicopter flew off.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 7

Giffnock 2016

After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again the man told them to go
away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of cold, freezing in the water. As his soul drifted up to
heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a lifeboat! What more did you
want?"

Its always intrigued me, but...

Did the Thessalonians ever write back to Paul?

Good Samaritan
Two sociologists were listening to the story of the Good Samaritan.
After the bit about the man being robbed, bashed and left in the gutter, one
sociologist turned to the other and said,
The person who did this needs our help.
Guide to Fathers gifts
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and has yet to complain. You can
never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow
your ratchet?" By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" No one
knows why.
Rule #3:
boxers.

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men

Rule #4:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy a big-screen TV with the little picture in the
corner. Watch him go wild flipping, flipping

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 8

Giffnock 2016

Rule #5:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within days
there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Underwear. Cups. Toothpaste.
Doors. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #6:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
Unless time is irrelevant.
Rule #7:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Aussie Auto Parts. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From
Aussie Auto, eh? Must be something I need." Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford?
Wow!")
Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank.
Rule #9:
Tickets to an AFL /Super 12 /NFL game are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8
Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one
knows why.
Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. Nothing says love like 100 feet of 3/8" manila
rope. No one knows why.

First aid
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in
which a man was beaten, robbed, and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Sunday school Quiz

Teacher: Johnny, list the Ten Commandments in any order.
Johnny: 1, 5, 7, 4 ...

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 9

Giffnock 2016

American Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving
invitation to the local church.
On the front was a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
The mother showed the card to her kids, observing:
"This looks like fun. Obviously the Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their
mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her son replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Memories
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids
were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was very
nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord
is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Making hay
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer struggling to load
hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give
you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a
drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as
I get this hay off him."

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 10

Giffnock 2016

The sermon
During the sermon a particularly restless five year-old was heard to whisper,
Perhaps if we give him the money now, Mummy, hell let us go.

History of South Africa

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa explains the
history of white settlement of his country like this:
When the white man came, we had the land and he had the Bible.
He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and prayed.
And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible and he had the
land.
But, you know, we got the better deal!
Power failure
There was a power cut during the sermon.
Unperturbed, the wardens and the minister calmly organised a large number of
candles and the minister returned to his lectern.
Now, where was I? he said to the congregation
From the rear of the church came a voice,
The second last paragraph.

The power of prayer

In a small bush town, an entrepreneur arrived from Sydney and began to construct
a new pub. The local church started a campaign to block the pub from opening with
petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up until the week before the scheduled opening when a
lightning strike hit the pub and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were delighted until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that
the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means.
In its response, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to
the building's untimely end.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and
commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 11

Giffnock 2016

paperwork, we have a pub owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire
congregation that doesn't!"

Adam & Eve Part 1

As Adam said to Eve:
"I wear the plants in this family!"
If Adam and Eve returned to earth now, the only thing theyd recognise would
be the jokes.

... about those chooks...

Someone might like to tell the chickens what we mean when we say someone has
crossed to the other side

The Golden Rule

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last. Which is why I don't have
any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of
their lives?

Ancient Rome
The colosseum was packed.
The lion approached the Christian and opened its slavering jaws, whereupon the
Christian leaned forward and whispered into the lions ear.
The lions head jerked backwards and the great beast, turning deathly pale and
shaking, looked around, backed unsteadily away from the grinning Christian, turned
around, leapt into the stands and bolted out the nearest exit.
The emperor and the entire colosseum were stunned.
The emperor beckoned the Christian over and asked him what on earth just
happened.
I merely mentioned that, as of course is customary, he would be expected to say a
few words after dinner.

A Letter Home

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 12

Giffnock 2016

Dearest Mother, Beloved Father

How can I, your dearest but errant son, heir and hypothetically only potential organ
donor , possibly ask my kind, generous and forgiving parents for a trivial but
desperately needed $200?
I feel miserable to even have to ask such loving and dear, doting parents, to whom I
owe my hereditary and environmental traits and yes! - even foibles.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your only beloved son,

Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the
corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. Alas! I
was too late.
A few days later, he received a letter from his father. It said...

Dear son,
Your prayers have been answered. Your letter never arrived.
Q:

Who was unhappy about the return of the prodigal son?

A:

The fatted calf.

Impressive
The husband returned from church and announced to the family:
I have just confessed all my sins!
His wife said: Thats great!
The daughter said: Brilliant!
The son said: What a fantastic memory!

Assistance required
The professor of a graduate-school class included a huge amount of material on the
midterm exam.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 13

Giffnock 2016

As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud.
The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and
announced,
"Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor.
I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"

Getting to heaven
The Sunday School teacher decided to test whether his pupils had been listening.
So he asked"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all
my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
"NO!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and kept everything neat and
tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"
"Well," he continued, "how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old shouted,
"Youve got to be dead!"

Dictionary
Atheism 1:

A sort of crutch for those who can't stand the reality of God.

Atheism 2:

A non-prophet organisation

Hebrew:

A male tea bag

Joan of Arc: Noah's wife

Noah:

World's greatest financier: he floated a loan while the rest of the world
went into liquidation

Opium:

The juice of the poppy. Not to be confused with Abraham, the poppy
of the Jews.

Philosophy 1:
Philosophy 2:

I think. Therefore I am - I think.

A blind man in a dark room looking for a black hat
that isn't there

S is for Sermon

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 14

Giffnock 2016

After his first sermon, one of the church elders came up to the young minister and
said, Well, that was indeed a model sermon.
Slightly puzzled at the elders choice of words, the minister went to a dictionary and
looked up model. Apparently it means: a small imitation of the real thing. Hmmm.
Next Sunday the scene was re-enacted, except that this time the elder used the
word warm.
The minister found the relevant definition of warm: Not so hot

Sermon Mark II
The new minister decided that if you cant get the depth, try width. His sermon went
for 45 minutes and no word used was under three syllables in length.
Impressive indeed, he thought smugly.
Then he overheard the Childrens minister come in and ask one of the parishioners
what the sermon was about. The parishioner replied, He forgot to say.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 15

Giffnock 2016

Sermon Mark III

The new minister decided that if you cant get the depth or width, try volume.
After massive preparation, he ascended into the pulpit, raised two fingers on his
right hand to the sky and commenced.
Fire & brimstone ensued.
His sermon went for 45 minutes and no word used was under three syllables in
length.
The congregation were pinned to their seats riveted by a stellar performance.
It was a bit like dynamiting fish.
As he closed, the preacher raised two fingers on his left hand skywards. They
almost applauded.
Afterwards he was congratulated by an elder, who did have one issue to raise.
Im just not sure why you raised your hands heavenward at the beginning and end
of your sermon.
Oh, it wasnt really my sermon, responded the minister, Those were the quotation
marks.

Kids insights
Our minister is brilliant, said Tommy to his friend Debbie. He can preach a sermon
for 30 minutes on any topic you ask.
Thats nothing, responded Debbie, Dad says our minister can talk for 40 minutes
without a topic at all.

Things you dont often hear in church

1. Lets get rid of the clock on the lectern and replace it with a calendar.
2. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
3. That sermon was nowhere near long enough.
4. Well pay you what you are worth someone must have a spare million per
annum.
5. If youd wanted a seat you should have arrived at dawn.

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 16

Giffnock 2016

Gripping stuff
The last time he gave a sermon he had the congregation glued to their seats
which, in hindsight, was a terribly good idea.

The flood & Grandad

Grandson: Grandpa, were you on the arc when Noah was saving all those
animals from the flood?
Grandpa: No, son I certainly wasnt
Grandson: So how come you didnt drown?

Bed Time
The pyjama-clad kid calling out to his family: "I'm going upstairs to say my prayers
now. Anyone want anything?"

You get the idea

A man dreams that he has died and goes to heaven.
In the dream, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me about your faith and if you like, also all the good things you've done. I
give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 100 points, you
get in." "Okay," the man says, "My wife and I were together for 50 years and I was
always faithful.
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its
ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Hmmm. How about this: I started a youth group at church and
organised monthly prayer meetings. "Excellent, that's good for two more points," he
says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the
grace of God!"
"Come on in!"

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 17

Giffnock 2016

Bit of a mouthful
Teacher: "What does the story of Jonah and the whale tell us?"
Sebastian: "You can't keep a good man down?"

Nothing personal
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Baz," an embarrassed woman said after a
church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," Baz replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Worth a Try
At the end of their family prayers. Freddy says:
and please make Sydney the capital of Australia. Amen
Later, his mother asked,
Why do you want Sydney to be the capital of Australia?
Freddy replied: Because thats what I put in my geography exam.

Not me, Im afraid

The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...
ABRAHAM was too old...
MOSES had a stuttering problem...
SAMPSON had long hair, and was a womanizer!
JEREMIAH and TIMOTHY were too young...
DAVID had an affair and was a murderer...
JONAH ran from God...
PETER denied Christ...
MARTHA worried about everything...
MARY MAGDALENE was demon possessed...
The SAMARITAN WOMAN was divorced....more than once!!

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 18

Giffnock 2016

PAUL was too religious...

LAZARUS WAS DEAD!!!!

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 19

Giffnock 2016

Giddy up
The local minister, Mike, had just sold his horse to a young jackeroo and was
explaining some important things about the horses behaviour.
The horse is specially trained. If you want him to go fast, just say Hallelujah! said
Mike. To stop him, say Amen
So the jackeroo climbed aboard and said: Hallelujah! and off went the horse
briskly. Every new Hallelujah! got the horse going faster and an Amen brought it
to an immediate halt.
The jackeroo was enjoying this. Alas, after a string of Hallelujahs!! he realised he
was galloping towards a cliff with a sheer drop. Panicking, he forgot the code word
for stop. All seemed lost, so in desperation he tried the Lords Prayer. This
finished with Amen, whereupon the horse screeched to a halt right on the edge of
the precipice.
The jackeroo leaned over as he looked straight down the sheer cliff face and said,
Well, Hallelujah!

Thanksgiving in the UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving
on a British radio program.
The American asked if Thanksgiving as celebrated on the last Thursday of
November - was also celebrated in the UK.
"Of course," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the first Monday of
October."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left for America."

Snap!
When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her
seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to
home.
Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to
smile whenever lightning flashed.
Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home,
God's been taking my picture!"

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 20

Giffnock 2016

Whats in a name?
A burglar broke into a house one night. When he picked up a wallet to place in a
sack, a disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Titus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked on a torch and shone it around. Finally, in
the corner of the room, the beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot said, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Lazarus," replied the bird.
"Lazarus?" the burglar laughed, "Must be Christians to name their bird Lazarus!"
The parrot replied, And their Rottweiler Titus."

The nativity play

Its time for the primary kids nativity play and the teacher is choosing the cast.
Billy will be the inn-keeper
I want to be Joseph, Billy interrupts.
You will be the inn-keeper, the teacher responds.
I want to be Joseph, repeats Billy, stamping his foot
You were Joseph last year so this year its Rogers turn, repeats the teacher,
slightly miffed.
BUT I WANT TO BE JOSEPH!
Billy you will be the inn-keeper and that is final!
At last, it is the night of the play.
Joseph (aka Roger) and Mary approach the inn and knock on the door, which is
swiftly opened by the inn-keeper, Billy.
Joseph asks hopefully, Do you have any room at the inn?
Tons of it, responds Billy. Come right in!

Jokealongalot: Christian
Page 21

Giffnock 2016