yavgi2014 65 Stops to Surviving Gicism | Psychology Today Psychology Toda «Sometimes the best medical intervention isnot the most aggressive one.33 Fulfillment at Any Age sccahiusevne me wy sucnna vse gansear rosa 5 Steps to Surviving Criticism noe ‘hen comments ure este, pu onthe rakes wl you ti cn, paciea Ftne st Ay ae shou) 7 on Sancho vane ime raw) $21 ae) ‘Wether you know your best fend looks ralculous Ina shit thats way to smal or @ co-worker’ presentaton needs Improvement, youte constantly in a situations where a negative opinion you afer could (you belive) provide useful insights Needless to say, though, i's not so pleasant to be onthe receiving ord of someone else's crcl comments, especially when they feod your own insecurities. Perhaps your fend shares wih you the opinion thal you might benef fem toning down your sarcastic sense of humor around people who dont now you al that wel. Yet, that sarcasm may stom from your ‘own fer of seeming ul or stpid—an now, on tp of hat insecurty about your social kil, you worry that youre offending people 2s wel Fulfillment at Any Age Unfortunately, many of us are laden with enough secricam to ast a Recent Posts lifetime, not © mention the eriism tat we might receive fom our nearest ifnot dearest friends and family. Our self-esteem takes a hit each time we a ‘Seokng an A+ inthe beskoom can Seo Al Stories let the inner voices in cur heads chide and complain about the stake Bevery om sein seal wore making the poople were unintentonaly fending, and the ‘opportunities we lt goby. k i reg: You neapones ay te ‘You can eventually wrest conv of your erica inner voice buts much aon eres ‘more difcut to con the extemal erica voice of people whose opinion Yalta Owe yureale name crtcomyostehetra rary | RS | tet Related Links ‘the ettcism that you think you're hearing, though, even those volces A wtattey mean hsiengven Bose ee ea seat cmnarebg sora oa pty sohancntrase Crus evae | Thee re stg wil lp youu hangar vat ot ‘vee it, | Gem yu seston, anata, at be pocecuarevanes en see nuoe nay | TRegthetenptaon toc bak, ealoo ay wen youve | moony Ay ro beam tached rove en ah) lsh ot or cr. It the old chiren's comeback: "Are, oo!” Inthe playground, such retorts ‘are not only commonplace but perhaps even adaptive. However, nthe realm of grownups, by answering a ctlsm witha crcl. also caleé a [on has] on Enaiee Find a Therapist L-ausque. you only end up locking as ithe crtical shoe fs you jst fie. Most Popular en ERNEZAt aa eptnwone tte seienetereeine |" QBig| OS se se ee ee teane parte compas hal you do soem ota phon calor Poon texts very regularly, and you respond by pointing out your partner's: Ry Seo A. een Pun, _clinginess, Not only are you invalidating your partner's observation, but youre ako rechetng up te lavel ofthe argument by eng your 3 a ony Tete Ow Guosiont comeback, exacerbating the cane even more, For example, your 2 a ow Tala Socoosi ons Partner's personaly rather than behavior. What started out as perhaps. @ tse Cate 0 reasonable request naw becomes the basis fora cca fee-or-al. hitp:twww psychologytoday-comvblogTuilment-any-age/201405i5-steps-survivng-oitcism 18.yavgi2014 Find Local: Chiropacers 5 Stops to Surviving Gicism | Psychology Today 2. Avold projecting your insecurities onto the criticism. When we hear ‘itcism From others, we sometimes amplty ts magnitude by interlecting ‘ur awn insecurities into the picture. The process is similar othe defense mechanism of prslecton in which you transfer your own anxistie onto ‘those around you, reading far more ominous meanings int their words ‘han they intended, You might fel unhappy wit the sate of your nome at ‘the moment, recognizing that some solid closet cleaning is in order. I's late on a Friday afternoon when a neighbor stops by to chat. You notice that she seams tobe taking in the scone wih abit of a furrowed brow. She remarks that she's looking forward to th weokend and having a chance to catch upon her sorng cleaning. Immeeiately, you jump tothe conclusion that she's accusing you of being asp. It werent forthe gui caeping around the edges of your conscousnes about the sory stale of your bedroom which she might net even be able to soe a the moment), the ‘commient would go by unnoticed. With your insecurtes proved, however, {youl S00 the otherwise innocent comment asa condemnation of your housekeeping aolitios. From thereon, te interaction wil almost invariably ‘90 downhill Iris seonao, oting etal was even ward by you! nelghboe What aboutif semaone actualy does share a teal observation about you, wih you? nt ‘case you se beng eriiozed, notimaginig i. Again, however, unless the ‘elm I an attempt to bing youto Your knees in ears, projection can put you ‘at sk of verracting A comerker may beaten whet he bleves tobe hep exicam and has even glven the mater careful delberaton. However, because touches a sensive nerve, you fn yourself unable to hear the Postve toe in your co-merker's aie, or ven his atop to embed itn an ‘trersse supportive remark. People often do ty to soten thor cris wth ‘ountor-balancng statements (eal Tkod the way you i X but Y coub've used some improvement) A good personal ic uses ho “erism sandwich.” ‘You pace the cial statement botwesn two postive stlemonts so thatthe person youre eying to help win your commenti beter ble to heart. Mary of us are savy ots eralagy however and ignore the lp and bation a the ‘adic, oly eating the problema miele eeton. By avercoming the Tendency io use preecton, youl be beter abel ecu on the postive serene ath type of eommuricaton 3. Try to understand where i's coming from. I's possible that youre notte one projeeting ata, but that your eiieal partner i the one struggling wit footings of iradoquacy. For some poopl,ctczing others isthe only way they can feel good about themselves. Threatened by your happiness and wellbeing, they ty to trow you off your ame by incessantly pointing aut your inadequacies. I may be hard to fend of hese ‘attacks, especlaly if (as I noted above) they ae particularly wel-placed barbs that tap into your insecure. you value your relationship with tis person, orf you have na choice but tobe around that person, then you'l have to fgure outa way to reframe these interactions. Seeing their need to ‘itcize as stamming from their weaknesses will help you protect na only your self-esteem, but could also potontally help ths parson overcome the sed t criticize. Wthaut feeding into their need to foel superior, you can ‘ofr thom a kn word o two that can help allovat thalr anxiety. Pont out their strengths, and thei be better able to acknowledge you's. 4. Ask whether there's truth tothe ertelam, So fr, the general assumption I've made is that the ents being over ential, even that ‘e's you What here’ something abou yo at could ty Benet ‘rom improvement? Parhaps you've been wearing the same (nowy) sneakers or comforiabe shoes every dy, all day, rom re wortlece 0 the backyaré. Theyre looking prety tatred at he edges anc ahough they may be fe for a walkin the park on a muy day, have no place in the home o ofeo. fend fers you the rim sandwich noting that its area hat you keto wear comfortable shoes outside but you might wart consider keeping a spare pafor nor use and that (are the top ofthe sandwin) you ook grea in th sweater youre wearing today. Instead of eating wth outage atte thought ha this person hs the audacity to attack your aston footwear, you mightaks a quick pk a your fet ae se i paras the comment bears taking seriou Infact, ‘you real thought about it, you might comet appreciate this person's bravery in binging up such an awkward tpi 5. Try to resolve destructive erlticim in constructive ways. The ‘tcism sandwich is only one way o provide ertclm In a supportive ‘context In “constructive” ecism, you focus onthe behavier, not the hitp:twww psychologytoday-comvblogTuilment-any-age/201405\5-steps-survivng-citcism “all 5 Sra karan, Pe (Current Issue Just Say it 28yavgi2014 65 Stops to Surviving Gicism | Psychology Today person; "destructive" cttclsm alms to eviscerate its target, and itcan truly ‘erode relationships. Ina study of 118 marries couples, University of Notre Dame psychologists Kristina Peterson and Davi Smith found that couples who expressed destructive cicam toward eachother, as judged by ‘observers, elt higher levels of perceived ericism than when their interactions showed higher levels of constuctive criticism. This study supports the iea that destructive erticiam contributes disproparionately to ‘a couple's perception of ganeral discord in he relatonship. In marriages, high levels of percelved ers are what go on fo erode bath the relationship and each indivua payers mental heals, In any relationship, f you sense that rita staking a destructve tum, its time fo take a step back, put the brakes on, an look rationally at who's being ertcized for what, and why. By taking as objectve an approach as possible, you can help support both your and your partners feelings of seltworth Follow me on Twitter witha for daly updates on psychology, heath and aging. Feel re to jin my Facebook group, “Fulllment a Any Age" t discuss today’s blog, orf ask farther questions about this posting. Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2014 Reference: Peterson, K.M., & Smith, D. A, (2010). To what does percoived ciism refer? Constructive, destructive, and general criciem, Journal of Family Psychology, 24(1), 97-100, di 10,1037!40017850 Have a comment? Star the discussion here! Subseribe to Psychology Today now and get a free issue! 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