Tips and Tools for PEPFAR Teams

Reflective Listening:
A Practice in Transforming Conflict
An enemy is someone whose story you have not heard. -- GeneKnudsen Hoffman
When engaging in important conversations or
navigating conflict, one of your greatest tools can
be the ability to listen fully to all those involved.
Often rather than fully listening, our attention is
divided. We may be half listening to the speaker
while at the same time trying to craft a rebuttal to
what they are saying. We may also be distracted
by the inner self-talk the running narrative
in your head that comments on and judges everything. This half listening and jumping to rapid
conclusions and assumptions can lead to fierce
debates, escalating emotions and tensions in the
conversation, or just plain misunderstanding.
Observe some of the conversations going on
around you and you often see people talking past
one another or reacting to what they thought the
person said rather than what the person actually
said. You might also see more passive, one-sided conversations where the listener may actually
be paying attention, but rather than actively engaging in the conversation, they simply assume
that theyve understood correctly and completely.
There are, however, other kinds of conversations,
those in which the speaker feels really heard and
understood. In those conversations there is a
high quality of listening reflective listening.
When using reflective listening you need to momentarily pause before reacting to what youve
heard; and in that newly created space, inquire
more deeply and seek to fully understand what
has actually been said. This creates the possibility
of transforming the situation improving mutual
understanding and inviting everyone to engage
as colleagues rather than as adversaries.

It is important in reflective listening to be sure

that you understand the speakers intended message, that you honor and respect the other persons emotions, and that you gain greater understanding of their perspective. This is possible by
listening and reflecting information at the three
levels outlined in the accompanying graphic:
facts and data, emotions, and values. The last
one, values, is the trickiest to hear and reflect
back since it is often subtly woven into the subtext

Three Levels of Reflective Listening

1. Listen for and Reflect: Facts and Data
Objectively track the narrative of the story, culling
facts, details, and data points. Summarize this information back to the speaker to ensure accuracy, and
ask questions to clarify.
2. Listen for and Reflect: Emotions
Discern what feelings are beneath the speakers story
that could possibly color and influence perception.
Paraphrase your interpretation of these emotions to
varify that you are interpretting them appropriately.

3. Listen for and Reflect: Values

Identify the core values the speaker holds that might
inform his/her position or belief in the conflict. Share
the core values that you heard surface in the communication and validate your interpretation with the
speaker.

This and other tools can be accessed online at www.teamstarproject.org.

Six Practices of Reflective Listening

1. Develop

2. Demonstrate

an Objective

Respect for All

Perspective

Involved

3. Listen with an

4. Paraphrase

5. Explore the

Empathetic Mind,

Facts/Data,

Others Story

6. Speak with
Thoughtfulness

as well as a

Emotions, and

through Thought-

Strategic Mind

Values

ful Questioning

of speakers narrative. As is often the case, these

simple reminders are easier said than done. Next
to the vertical levels of listening are six practices
that will help you develop strong reflective listening skills. Lets examine them in more detail.

Six Practices of Reflective Listening1

Practice 1 - Become a Fair Witness
You can listen more fully, when you maintain
some objectivity about what is being said impartially witnessing the information without filtering
the others story with your own personal biases.
The following will help you develop and maintain
the perspective of a Fair Witness:
Identify your emotional hot buttons (words or
behaviors that trigger your positive or negative emotions) that could derail your listening;

You demonstrate respect while listening when you

do the following:
Offer advice only when asked;
Believe that everyone has the ability to problem solve effectively and allow them the space
to do so;
Identify the impact your emotions can have on
others;
Manage your ability to stay balanced in the
face of heated emotions; and
Understand and respect that others may have
different levels of comfort with conflict situations.

I know you hear me, but are

you really listening?

Look through the eyes of the other person and

see the situation from his/her vantage point;
Defer judgment, both of self and others, in order to fully understand;
Ascribe positive intent: In other words, remember that the impact of others words and actions usually are distinct and different from
their intentions, so begin by assuming that
the speaker has positive intentions;
Seek to clarify points of ambiguity; and
Learn to distinguish your internal judgments
and unhelpful self-talk from what is being
said.

Practice 2 Demonstrate Respect for All Involved

Which Includes Yourself
For reflective listening and underst anding to occur, all parties must feel respected in the process.

Practice 3 Listen with an Empathic Mind as well

as a Strategic Mind
Often, when conflict erupts, the strategic mind
engages by creating argument, contention, and
debate, aimed at winning the fight. When listening with the empathic mind, you create the possibility of hearing others more fully rather than
crafting your own compelling refutation. The following helps you listen more empathically:
Quiet your mind in order to give full attention
to the speaker;
Dont be distracted as the speaker tells his/
her story;
Cultivate comfort with holding a range of
views and feelings about a challenge;
1Adapted from Compassionate Listening: Healing Our World from the Inside Out.
The Compassionate Listening Project. Indianola, Washington. Retrieved on 11 August 2010. <http://www.compassionatelistening.org>

TIPS AND TOOLS FOR PEPFAR TEAMS: REFLECTIVE LISTENING

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This and other tools can be accessed online at www.teamstarproject.org.

Keep your opinions, stories, or interpretations off the table in order to simply listen.

Avoid Why questions as they trigger defensiveness;

Practice 4 Paraphrase Facts/Data, Emotions,

and Values

Engage in a simple questioning strategy,

posing one question at a time aimed at not
befuddling or confusing the speaker; and

When you listen, your own perspectives, experiences, emotions, and even judgments often
cloud your understanding of what the speaker
has said. To top it off, you dont always have the
full context for the information youre receiving.
Therefore, its quite easy for misunderstandings
or assumptions to leave you with a false sense
of the speakers intended message. Paraphrasing not only helps to confirm and clarify what the
speaker is saying, it also demonstrates respect,
and shows the speaker that you are listening and
trying to understand. Use the following tips to
enhance your listening and understanding:
Summarize the facts and data to verify that
you have not misunderstood any of the
speakers main points;
If you sense that the speaker is expressing a
particular emotion, reflect what you are noticing and check to see if that is actually what
they are feeling - dont assume you know
what they are feeling;
Articulate the values that surfaced in the
speakers message; and
To further clarify, encourage the speaker to
expand on the information youve restated.

Practice 5 Explore the Others Story through

Thoughtful Questioning
Thoughtfully posed questions can move people
to deeper reflection, inviting them to view conflict, others perspectives, and their own stories
in new and unforeseen ways. Tips for posing
thoughtful questions include:
Craft questions that invite more dialogue
--use an open-ended format rather than
closed;

Create questions that are empowering,

reflecting a belief that the speaker has some
positive intention and would be willing to
help resolve the challenge.

Practice 6 - Speak with Thoughtfulness2

How you say what you say can invite others to
also practice reflective listening and engage
productively on difficult or sensitive discussions.
When you speak with thoughtfulness, you:
Choose words that are non-judgmental
when questioning or offering reflections;
Actively use words that connote understanding and connection with others;
Speak truthfully with compassion. This
doesnt mean being brutally honest rather it
means to balance what needs to be said and
can be said constructively with caring for the
other person; and
Speak to underlying needs that havent necessarily been articulated explicitly.

Things to Remember:
Listen intently until the speaker has finished.
Listen and respond with genuine sincerity.
Offer verbal and non-verbal cues that reflect
youre listening.
Understand the others culture enough to be
appropriate and respectful.
Be authentic.
Listen without judgment.
Remember that this conversation is about
the speakers story; not yours.
Allow the speaker space to solve his or her
own problem.
2Adapted from The Fourth Precept: Deep Listening and Loving Speech, by Thich
Nhat Hanh. Retrieved 11 August 2010. <http://dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/precepts/precept-4.html>

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This and other tools can be accessed online at www.teamstarproject.org.

Recommended Readings
1. Compassionate Listening: An Exploratory Sourcebook about Conflict Transformation, by
Gene Knudsen Hoffman, Cynthia Monroe, and Leah Green, with editing by Dennis Rivers.
http://www.newconversation.net/listening; January 2008 Edition.
2. Listening With the Heart, a Guide to Compassionate Listening, by Carol Howshinsky,
Compassionate Listening Project, P.O. Box 17, Indianola, WA 98432. http://www.mideastdiplomacy.org.
3. Compassionate Listening: Healing Our World from the Inside Out, The Compassionate
Listening Project, P.O. Box 17 Indianola, WA 98342. http://www.compassionatelistening.
org.
4. Tools for Transformation, A Personal Study, by Adam Curle., Hawthorne Press, United
Kingdom, 1990.
5. Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh, Paralax Press, P.O. Box 7455, Berkeley, CA 94707,
1987.

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