Esther Cunningham and Olivia Wilder!

Comm 474!
Professor Stauffer!
April 17, 2014!

An Exploration of Suffering!

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Suffering is an interesting word. With that being said, here is a part of my story. !

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Um, I used to think that this was a story about me suffering, but now I think that its a !
story mostly about my mom suffering. Um. My mom and my dad, I didnt realize this !
growing up, but um my mom suffered a lot in her marriage to my dad because-not !
because, yeah. He has depression, just because like, outcomes from that and like, !
other issues.!

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I honestly dont know what is worse than depression. And there might be things. But I !
dont know if there is. Its a terrible thing to have your own mind against you; your own !
self want to kill you.!

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With an autoimmune disease, um, it feels like my spirit is separate from my body. And !
my body is attacking itself. And um, I feel really bitter. And I dont know that I have ever !
felt this bitter before in my life, but I just dont understand why I have to wake up every !
morning and feel so sick. And put these medications in my body that make me feel so!
so awful.!

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I remember, I was just like yelling: I NEED TO HOLD MY SISTER! I need to hold my !
sister!!

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Sophomore year of high school, I had several big things happen-I think that year was !
one of the hardest years probably.!

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My brother suffers from anger, depression, and mood swings. I wish I could tell you !
what the cause is but he wont go to therapy. He doesnt trust very many people.!

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I started self-injuring at the age of twelve. The cutting quieted my mind down and served
as a way of gaining control over my life and emotions and an avenue for my self-hatred !
to get out. I used to hide in my bathroom and cry, wondering why I was in so much pain !
in my heart, and then when it would become too much, I would take my knife and cut my
upper arm. You can still see the scars there.!

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As far as I know, no one in my family suffers from any mental illnesses or any serious, !
chronic diseases. So my own experiences with suffering have kind of been different.!

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He wasnt good at resolving conflict and he would get angry and um. He needed a lot !
from her and wasnt able to give her any-anything in return.!

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Okay, uh, when I was 14, I was diagnosed with Chrons which is an autoimmune !!
disease. Um, and I was not unfamiliar with this. Um, its hereditary and chronic.!

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Um, so summer of 2012, um my sister started relapsing into episodes of depression. !

And a lot of episodes ofwell, not episodes, she had a lot of situations where she was !
doubting her self-worth and her value as a person. Um yeah. So she was umShe !
started a new job. She was, lets see, she was going to be a sophomore in high school. !

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It was mysenior year of high school. I was at the time dating this girl that I had been !
dating for about two years. And uh we were in this playand we were driving to go get !
lunch during Saturday rehearsal.!

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And she had gotten a new job that was really stressful for her. She was teaching !
swimming.!

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Also that year my older sister went to college.!

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When I was a child, I had very few friends. I was frequently lonely and spent a lot of !
time by myself. As I grew up and got into middle school, that loneliness grew too and !
what started as benevolent negligence became outright teasing and bullying. I did not !
have a happy home life either and felt very abandoned by my parents. In addition, I !
began to have the mood swings associated with bipolar disorder, including massive !
depressive phases.!

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My family was really well known at my church partly because my Dad was a respected !
deacon.!

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Hes a very comparative person. He looks at himself through the lens of other peoples !
lives.!

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Um and my mother had this. Um, and my older brother, and my other older brother and !
my older sister. But two of my siblings had not very sever cases.!

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She kind of threw herself, because she felt like she wasnt able to have like a successful !
marriage, she kinda threw herself into being a really successful mother. And so she !
homeschooled us and we did all these activities and she justShe never rose her voice !
to us, or ever got angry. And she always, she always just like, cared for us. Like to me it
seems like a perfect way.!

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Um, and uh swimming can be a hard job to have when youre teaching kids, cause you !
are in charge of a lot of lives and if you turn around for one second, a kid is underwater !
and its a lot of fun.!

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And I had never-and then after she left, I was hit with a terrible feeling of-a terrible !
realization of the fact that I had never-I had never appreciated her. And she was gone.!

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And I didnt have anything on my car besides really basic insuranceI had worked for a !
long time to earn money to buy [this car].!

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And I know that um, that probably we would not ever get to have the same sort of time !
together we had growing up.!

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Because of his anger and mood swings, he hasnt been able to finish college or hold a !
real job for very long or have lasting relationships.!

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And so when my Dad came forward one Sunday at the Invitation at the end of the !
service, no one could have expected what he said.!

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I remember one night in particular. It was in January of my junior year of high school. !
Two weeks before, my ex-boyfriend had gone back to college and I had just found out !
that he had another girlfriend, with whom he had cheated on me.!

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And my older brother, before I got diagnosed, the summer before, I watched him. Um, !
he is one of the most athletic people I know. Hell go climb trees and build things and !
um I watched him just deteriorate and um go through these different medications and !
umTheres this image that I just so distinctly remember of him. Um.!

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I didnt find out till after the divorce just how much my mom had suffered from my dad. !
Growing up, I just saw the fun loving and jovial surface. I never knew that he had lain on
their bedroom floor and threatened to kill himself with a knife.!

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So it was really stressful, and then also, when you uh, at the end of each swim lesson, !
you have to grade your kids, based on whether or not they pass or fail and move on to !
the next lesson. That sort of position for her was really difficult. Growing up in an Asian-!
American family, its really, really easy to kind of own a lot of where your value is set on !
success and failure, and the pressure that she felt and that I sometimes feel, um.!

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I mean, he only did that once, but he was always suffering from bipolar disorder and !
depression.!

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A word about bipolar disorder. The depression associated with my mental illness is !
easily the most painful thing Ive ever experienced. It takes many forms, sometimes just !
sadness, sometimes anxiety, sometimes, and this is the worst, it is a noisy blackness !
that consumes the mind. I cannot adequately describe it, but I will try. Its almost as if !
there are voices living inside your head, but you know they are from you. And they bring
up every little thing youve ever done wrong and every little thing you hate about ! !
yourself. And they all talk over each other and make you hate yourself even more. It is !
black and dark inside your head and it is just so loud and you cant escape from the hell !
that your mind is devolving into. It gets to a point where you would do anything, and I !
mean anything, to quiet your head down.!

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I think this had lead him to feel victimized and disadvantaged. This difficulty holding !
anything down makes him view himself as a failure.!

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Hehe came home from spending Christmas in the hospital um because he was losing !
so much blood becauseI mean I wont go into the details of the disease right now, I !
guess, but he, he got home from the hospital. Um, I think it was a couple days after !
Christmas and he was sitting in this arm chair in my parents room. And, he had a !
sweater on, like one of those fleece pullovers, and he was trying to take it off and like, !
like this um. And he couldnt lift his arms up. Um and my mom had to help him. And, I !
just ran down the hall and I was just weeping. Cause I hadntthis was before I had !

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been diagnosed or had seen any of what this can do to a person. And umYeah. So I !
guess that was my first real like, this is a serious thing.!
And my mom suffered because he didnt know how to deal with that.!

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And so, laterso that summer, um, I increasingly had more symptoms of this. For some
reason, I was afraid to tell my mother. Like I was at a performing arts festival and, um, I !
was bleeding a lot. It involves a lot of intestinal, internal bleeding and its not fun. And a !
lot of pain, and, um, I was bleeding a lot and, I mean, involving other things. And I just !
wouldnt tell my mother. Like I wouldnt tell her. And I think I just knew that it, it would !
upset her. Um, yeah. That another one of her children would have to go through the !
same thing.!

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I was coming home from a friends house and the sadness and darkness overtook me !
while I was in the car. I kept a small knife in my wallet for times just like this.!

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When my sister was in high school, she started to be really emotional and like really big !
mood swings and kinda started to resemble my dad in a way. In her behavior. Then !
when she went to college um we didnt hear very much from her and my mom worried !
about her a lot. And then her first year at school, at college, she came home and um !
was diagnosed with depression. She had kind of a nervous breakdown and um so she !
got on meds and went back to school. In the midst of this, my mom just worried all the !
time about her.!

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That day is kind of burned in my memory. It was such a surreal moment to see my Dad !
down at the front of the church. The only time he was in those front rows was when he !
was performing his duties as a deacon and serving the Lords Supper. I didnt ! !
understand what on earth he was doing up there.!

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And I would re-I would think back on the different times I would get angry at her or be !
frustrated at the things she was doing, that most of the time were things that I was !
dealing with and would take out on her. I think mostly I would set her against me in my !
mind. And I would get angry at her. And I would always feel competition with her !
because there were many things she was good at that I was not-and I would feel !!
belittled. Not necessarily by her, but because of the, the her I built up in my mind.!

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My sister, when I went to go visit her um she accidentally came out to me. Sort of a !
friend sort of said something. And then my sister kind of had to tell me that she was !
bisexual. And so she told me not to tell anyone at home. So I went back home and !
started!to get really like really um. I started to like question everything about like what !
does the Bible say about being gay and blah blah blah blah blah. So I didnt tell my !
mom. I felt like it was, the secret was alienating me from my mom. And I didnt know !
what to do anymore. Cause I didnt want it to be a secret anymore. And I hadnt told !
anyone and it! was justI thought I was suffering because I had the secret. And so I !
kind of forced my sisters hand. I told her: !

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And it went on for two, maybe two and a half weeks, and my sister came, and she saw !
me and she was like Why havent you told mom? Like, why?!

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Either you tell Mom or I will.!

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So my sister told her and I was angry at her, um. And I think I was just in denial. But, !
um, my parents just sat me down and they were just crying and um, yeah. So, um !
The next summer, which is I guess the story I want to tell you, is, yeah. I was at the !
same performing arts festival and I, I came into the festival being very sick. And I had !
lost a lot of weight becauseand was extremely anemic. I mean Ive always been pale !
but, um, I was just very, very, very white. And I had lost a lot of weight, so I was like 100 !
pounds. Just really small. And um I came to the festival and I was like, No, Im going to
do this, like I dont care. I want to be here and I want to act and I want to do this. So I !
went and we were doing Cyrano de Bergerac and I auditioned.!

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I knew that I had not appreciated this, this person in my life that I dearly love. And I !
never, I never admitted that I loved her till after she left. I would think back on this one !
story when this one time she was, she was babysitting for my family over the weekend. !
Our parents were gone. And I thought it would be really funny if I pretended like I was !
going to break into the house.!

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So when she came home for the summer, I was-there was this one day when I was !
coming home, got out of my car, went into the house, and just as I was coming into the !
house, my sister was coming out. And she was leaving kind of quickly. And she didnt !
have a car, she didnt drive. So she just walked away, um like, down the street.!

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And I pulled into this-I was pulled into this-into the intersection, turned left and the light !
was sort of yellow, so I was like, gotta go.!

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As soon as I got home, in the driveway, I wept and I sliced my arm open six times. I had
a curfew, so I had to go inside before the bleeding stopped.!

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And, um, the day after the auditionand this was me, I had gotten really dizzy and weak
and so all the people there thought I was really shy because I couldnt really stand up !
very well and every time I would stand up I would get really dizzy. And I had to go to the !
bathroom like every five minutes. Um, and so that day I guess, like after auditions, um, I
ran into the cafeteria and I knew, I knew that I had to go and get help. Um, and my older
brother was doing better at that time and was there and so I ran into him and I was just !
crying really hard and I was just like, I need to go to the hospital. I need to go. And, !
um, so we went to the ER and I remember it was raining. And I dont know why I !
remember that. So we ran, we ran in. I guess at that time I felt a little bit better because
I was sitting down for a while and I was like, Okay, I dont know that I need to go, but !
umso we went in and I remember these two women who were working at the festival !
were just really kind to me. And they had given me some sort of drug and I was like !
really, I was just like laughing a lot and they wheeled me down becauseI was laughing !
at everything they were saying. I dont even remember half of it. But, um, so they took !
me in there and they were like, Okay, um, This is bad. And they gave me two units of
blood. Um because I had lost that much, when your body has like 6 I think. And I was !
there for about four days. I just memorized all my lines because I didnt want to be !
there.!

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When you fail a student, it shows one that you werent doing a very good job.!

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I put on my coat and walked in the house. My parents were already in bed, so I walked !
into their room and as I walked I could feel the hot blood running down my arm and !
getting all over my coat. I told my parents I was home and said goodnight and went !
back to my room. I took off my coat and there was blood everywhere.!

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So I started going and I didnt notice that the car ahead of me was gunning it to make it !
through the yellow light. And so they smashed into the back of my car and they totaled !
my car. But it was my fault because I should haveBecause they had the right of way!
And I had, like, this weird connection to my car. For some reason, THAT triggered !
depression. It was probably the first time that IThe next couple of weeks after that car !
accident was the first time that I started to admit to myself I-something like really wrong !
with this. I dont know whats going on in my life right now, but its uh, its more than just !
sadness.!

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Uh, it was not funny. !

It was a miracle I got it all out.!

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And then he started talking. He confessed in front of the entire church that he had !
struggled with pornography. And you could feel the silence in the room. My mom !
started crying. !

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And I went into the house and my mom was sitting on the stairs. Which was weird. !
Cause, like, she didnt sit there. It was a weird place for her to be. And she was kind of !
sitting like this. And she was crying. And I went and sat next to her.!

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And after the closing prayer, all these people came up to my mother and comforted her !
and the rest of my family. At that point, I didnt even know what pornography was. I had !
to look the word up in a dictionary when I got home. But I just felt awful. I felt betrayed !
by my dad and I just couldnt understand why he would bring this shame on my whole !
family.!

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And I dont remember what she saidI dont remember a lot of what she said because !
she was doing the croaky cry like the eauhhh like that. And I just put my arm around !
her and then she was crying and she said, Sheridan, why didnt God protect her? Like, !
I tried so hard to protect you girls, and I did everything that I could to keep the bad !
things away from you. And I failed.!

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And two, you are also giving the student the experience of failure.!

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Those six cuts scarred very badly. To this day, they are my worst scars and the most !
obvious.!

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I failed. For my mom, it was like a failure. Of everything that she had tried to do. And !
she kind of it was the only thing in her life that he had felt, had self-worth in. Being a !
mother. And..and it was kind of taken away from her. Um through no fault of her own, !
theres nothing that she could have done differently, I think. And I, I think she suffered a !
lot through that.!

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And the look on her face when she realized that it was me-after she had pressed the !
alarm system and called the police. Um, I would remember that look for years after she !
left. Um, and just be really ashamed of what I had doneIt just haunted me a long time !
afterwards.!
And failure is um kind of similar to that whole situation of shame versus honor for us. !

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To finally admit to myself after spending nights on the computer looking at symptoms of !
things that WOW. Yes, I do have depression. And its-Im so ashamed of it. !

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I felt so ashamed of him. I saw him later in the afternoon in the hallway in my house and
I couldnt look at him. I didnt know if I could ever love him. He said Honey, its still the !
same me. Im the same Dad youve always had. But it didnt feel that way to me. In !
fact, it felt that everything before had been a lie. That the Dad I had known growing up !
was not the same Dad standing next to me now.!

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So that was really difficult for her. She was just like slowly becoming more you know, !
un-functional. Thats not a great word cause then we sound like robots. But thats kinda !
like where she was at. I remember there wasI was working at another pool at the !
time. So it was a really long day and when youre at the pool, you obviously cant have !
your phone out cause its going to die andYeah. So at the end of the day, I check my !
phone and there was like, two missed calls, a missed voicemail, and like two text !
messages. And theyre all from my mom. And so I check my text messages first and the
top one was like, you need to get out of work and the other one was like, come to the !
ER right now, your sister needs you. So I had been aware of everything that was !
going on at the time and I was already being nervous about her, but yeah. Like half-way !
down to the ER, I got another text message and it said she had swallowed like, uh, she !
had swallowed like 30 pills or something like that. When I got there, I parked and I !
looked at the text again and I realized that like, oh my gosh. She tried to take her life.!

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I spent about two weeks after that car accident. Feeling all sorts of things. Mostly just !
the one thing which is the all-consuming feeling of depression. It took me a long time !
during that two weeks. Well not a long time, but a long time that felt like much longer. !
You know, every day felt like an eternity.!

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And um you know you hear stories about suicide and you hear about them in all sorts of !
places that often times arent yours. And it feels like youre distant from them. Its a !
thing that other people from really bad places have to deal with. And other people who !
come from a bar fly situation or a poor family background that they have to deal with. !
And uh, I came from a very privileged background. Um so I was really surprised. Since !
then I havent been able to escape um stories of suicide. I havent been able to ignore it.
Its a bit of a ghost. It haunts you and follows you.!

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I quickly became addicted to it and to this day it is something that I wrestle with.!
This is a scattered story, I guess. Butthis is something thats like, ongoing in my life. !
And it has been for six years. And right now, Im in a really bad place again. Like most !
of the time, if it wasnt for my mother, um and the way she feels about it, I wouldnt take !

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any of these steroids. Because, um, I just hate them. Probably more than anything, the !
way it makes me feel. Um, so I guess Im just struggling to find out what I believe about !
healing and in regard to God. Because I dont ever deny His existence because of this, !
but it makes me really angry. And I yell a lotat God. Um, and I think that is suffering !
for me. And I think watching my brother, I think thats suffering. Yeah.!

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I think that the greatest suffering for my brother, more than the physical pain or the !
broken engagement or the lack of education and job, was the clear vision of what it !
could be like to be complete. And knowing just how far from that he was.!

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But this story is not without hope. My life is full of good things, despite the !
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suffering that pops up now and then. A lot of people will say that I have no right to talk !
about suffering because I grew up in a wealthy, white home in America where I never !
truly wanted for anything. I have never had to go without food or water or shelter or !
anything for that matter. But, in my opinion, all suffering is on an equal plane. Suffering !
is suffering, whether it is experienced by a small child starving in Africa or a wealthy, !
white American struggling with a mental illness, it is all the same. It is when we compare
our sufferings and say, I have suffered more than you and therefore my story is more !
significant or valid that we run into trouble. So that is some of what I know about !
suffering.

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