Revision Matrix WP1

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)
Each one of
these sites
contains vague
phrasing, broad
ideas, and
appeals to
peoples
insecurities.
Horoscopes do
not fool
everybody but
the majority of
readers discover
these passages
online with a
desire to believe
that the content
of the horoscope
is true. It is very
easy to make
someone believe
something they
want to believe.

An observation
or question I
received from
De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s)
How this
I made to what change impacts
I initially
my paper:
wrote: (ie, the
change[s] I made
to column 1)

To make this even

stronger, I'd like you
to work in an
audience-related
element a bit more.

Each one of
these sites
contains vague
phrasing, broad
ideas, and
emotional
appeals to
peoples
insecurities.
They use these
conventions as a
form of trickery
in an attempt to
grab the
attention of
nave readers
who look up their
horoscopes
because they
want to hear
predictions about
their lives. This
makes them
easy targets for
consumerism.

Working this
audience
element into my
thesis allows for
later statements
I make in the
paper about who
the main
audience of
these sites might
be to be in line
with my
argument.

on three
different sites

Which ones? It'd

help me to know a bit
about each one early
on, that way I can
make more sense of
your claims
throughout the paper.

For the
purposes of this
paper I looked up
my 2016
horoscope as a
Gemini on
horoscope.com,

This change
allows my reader
to understand
which three sites
I chose to use as
well as
something

mommys

is to build a
giant laser and
use it to take
over the world
then I will use
any means to
achieve it. Its
even nicer to
know that I will
fight valiantly all
year to achieve
my lifelong goal
of moving out of
my mommys
house.

OK, so does their

use of this type of
language give you
any clues into the
rhetorical nature of
this site? And/or
what readers they
might be trying to
attract?
This is pretty funny,
but if you do this
toooooo much, it
could come across
as a bit
cutesy/gimmicky.
The best way to
convince me of these
websites' absurdity is
with textual
evidence/support and
your analysis to help
guide me through
what it all means.

findyourfate.com
, and
astrology.com
all being
mainstream
astrology
websites that
require payment
for full
predictions.
mommys

When you take

a close look at
this prediction
you see the that
my way this
year and any
means to
achieve that
end are vague
words that have
many different
implications. This
is so vague that
it can be
interpreted to
apply to
ridiculous life
scenarios like, if
my way this
year is to build
a giant laser and
use it to take
over the world
then I will use
any means to
achieve it. Or,
that I will fight
valiantly all year

important they
have in common.

My intention
wasnt actually
to quote this as a
source. I was
only trying to put
emphasis on it so
I changed it to
italics. My bad.
I kept the
gimmicky stuff
for the most part
but added more
analysis to the
section. I think
this improved
the quality of this
section and
made it feel less
childish.

Horoscope sites
seem to be
visited mostly by
people who want
to believe in
what they read.
Whether they do -or even if they don't
-- has implications for
getting t the social
aspects of this
genre.

Psychologist
Bertram R. Forer
(1914-2000)
found that
people tend to
accept vague
and general
personality
descriptions as
uniquely
applicable to

This comment is in
reference to the
whole paragraph:
When I see this
even before I start
readingI think,
Ahhhhhhh! Attack of
the page-long
paragraph!
Do you have any
evidence you can
bring in to support
this? Do any of the
sites have
comment/discussion
board threads?

to achieve my
lifelong goal of
moving out of
my mommys
house.
I split this
paragraph in
two.

None of the sites

had comments
or discussion
boards.

There isnt even

a discussion or
comment thread
for us cynics to
be critical or try
to warn others.
Not providing a
section for
comments
suggests that the
creators of the
site dont want to
provide a space
for feedback
from people like
me.
Though this is
As a psychology
interesting, Id advise major, this made
you to refrain from
me recall the
using free-floating
Forer effect
quotes (ie, sentences
something
that start and end
learned about in
with a quote). The
my intro to psych
reader is probably
class that I find
going to be left
fascinating. The
wondering, Who is
saying/citing this, and Forer effect is
how/why is it
the notion that
relevant? Wheres it

This split made

my essay feel
less daunting to
read which gives
the reader a
better overall
experience with
the piece.
The mention of a
lack of discussion
or comment
threads adds to
the distrustful
persona Ive
created for the
creators of this
website.

Adding this gives

my readers more
context about
me as a writer as
well as some
psychology
background and
support to a big
claim that I am
making in my
paper.

themselves
without realizing
that the same
description could
be applied to just
about anyone

coming from? Try to

introduce the quote
and give it context.

people, tend to
accept vague
and general
personality
descriptions as
uniquely
applicable to
themselves
without realizing
that the same
description could
be applied to just
about anyone