ENVY AND THE HIDDEN

'HOW MUCH PAIN IS ONE WILLING TO SUFFER AND ENDURE IN ORDER TO AVOID KNOWING THE
REAL SELF...TO SEE DESIRE AND NEED BECOME PAIN STATES WHEN SATISFACTIONS ARE UN
DULY POSTPONED'
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'SIZE MATTERS' JANET SAID. 'BIG IS BETTER'...YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO FILL THE NOT
HING...TO 'MAKE THE BORDERS' AND 'CONTROL THE TERRITORY'...TO 'FILL IN THE GAPS'
AND MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT...MY GROUNDING SPACE...MY HOMEOSTASIS SPACE...
IT IS THE EROS-CREATIVE-SACRED SOURCING ZONE OF OUR 'ACTIVATION-REACTIVITY' BEHA
VIORS OF ANTICIPATION AND VIGILANCE...THE 'CONTROL' EXPECTANCY DEFENSE AGAINST E
XPOSURE OF NERVES SPACE...
IT IS THE WAYS AND WILES OF OUR 'COATINGS, PADDINGS, DAMS, BLOCKS, FORTRESSINGS,
FILTERS'...THE GREAT SUFFERINGS WE DO TO OUR SELF IN 'DENIAL'...
IT IS THE 'INTENSITY-DENSITY' WE BECOME ADDICTED TO IN OUR REPETITIONS, AS IF WE
WERE CHILDREN, WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN...
'YOU GOT THAT RIGHT' SAID CYNTHIA...WHO WANTS TO FEEL VULNERABLE?...'YOU KNOW I
UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR SAYING, BUT WHO WANTS TO BE CONSTANTLY HYPERVIGILANT?

JANET LOOKED AT CYNTHIA WITH A BIG SMILE...'WELL, MAYBE IT'S THE 'RIGHT SIZE FOR
THE RIGHT PLACE' IS A BETTER WAY OF TALKING ABOUT IT'...SORTA LIKE BEING IN THE
'MOOD' IS AS 'HANDSOME IS AS HANDSOME DOES'...
MAYBE IT IS 'TOO MUCH OF SOMETHING MAY NOT BE GOOD' FOR YOU...LIKE GETTING TOO M
UCH ICE CREAM MAKES YOU AVOID IT...AT LEAST FOR AWHILE'...
'NO, IT IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING 'SATIATED' WITH TOO MUCH ICE CREAM...IT I
S HEALTHY CHANGE OF LEARNING 'GOING TO' INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING AND THWARTING AGA
INST'...IT IS THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE AND CURIOSITY IN 'COMING FORWARD' THAT CHA
NGES DIRECTION OUT OF VANITY FEAR HABITS THAT MAINTAIN 'CONTROL' IN DENIAL AND D
EFENSIVENESS...
'WELL, I LIKE TO FEEL THAT I AM IN CONTROL'...SAID JANET ASSERTIVELY.
'AFTER ALL IT IS MY BODY THAT WE ARE DEALING WITH HERE'...'ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAV
E THAT MOMENT...THAT WONDROUS FEELING MOMENT OF MEETING MY STUFF WITH HIS STUFF.
..THAT TIMING WHEN ALL IS FULL AND ALIVE'...WHEN NOTHING IS HELD BACK BECAUSE I
GET TO BE TOTALLY ME'...
'UH HUH, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID THAT, IF EVER'...
'MMMM, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...WHEN THE DAM BREAKS, WHEN THE LAVA STREAMS, WHEN T
HE STEAMINGS ARE WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE'...
'UH HUH, YEP...DREAM ON...YOU TWO 'GET NUMBED' BEFORE YOU 'GET IT ON' SO WHO KNO
WS WHAT REALLY HAPPENS...'CEPT THAT THE INTENSITY MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAY UNTIL T
HE NEXT DAY OR SO...
ITS BETTER THAN NOTHING........
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS A GOOD STRATEGY TO GET 'WHAT YOU SAY THAT YOU WANT'...A
POWERFUL SEDUCTION STRATEGY...EVEN IF IT HAS BECOME SO PREDICTABLE IN ITS 'FAMIL
IARITY'...AS THEY SAY 'FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT'...
AT LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO PLAN ON...TO LOOK FORWARD TO 'SATURDAY NIGHT' WITH
THE DINNER, WINE, A MOVIE AND SEX...IT IS DIFFICULT TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT SCHED
ULING THE TIME...
'Y'KNOW IT IS SOME KINDA VIOLENCE THAT YOU TWO DO...IT IS 'ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT'
AS MUCH AS 'GREAT FEAR' AS THE EXCESSES OF CONVULSIVENESS AND SENSORY STRAINING
S...SORT OF GETTING THE 'HIGH-PITCHED INTENSITY-DENSITY' TO COUNTER WHAT IS SUPP
OSED TO BE NATURAL...
IT IS AS IF 'YOU ARE IN INVAGINATION', A NICE EUPHEMISM I MIGHT SAY, AND HE IS I
N MASTURBATION OR 'BEING A JERK-OFF...
YEAH...Y'KNOW LIKE YOU GET INTO YOUR OWN ROMANCE DREAM IN 'BOMBING YOURSELF' AND
HE JUST 'GOES ALONG FOR THE RIDE'...
'SO WHAT...WHO ARE YOU TO CRITICIZE...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW...YOU'RE ALWAYS
'FUSSIN' WITH YOUR CAT AS SOME 'ALICk' IN WONDERLAND' WHO RUBS IT 'MAKING IT BIG
GER' AND THEN 'MAKING IT SMALLER' JUST TO PRACTICE YOUR CONTROL IN 'STAYING IN T
HE SAME SPACE'...LIKE YOU'RE LOST IN YOUR OWN DREAMS...'NO WONDER YOU CAN'T FIND
AND HOLD A MAN'...
'IT JUST GETS BORING DOING THE SAME STUFF ALL THE TIME...AH, MEN ARE SO EASY TO
CONTROL...THEY THINK WITH THEIR DICKS AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SUCK IT ONCE IN AW
HILE'...WHERE IS THE ADVENTURE, THE RISK AND THE PLAY...FOR YOU THE 'FOREPLAY' I
S SORT OF A GAME OF 4 PLAY...A BAITING AND FLIRTING DANCE OF KEEPING EACH OTHER
OFF BALANCE...
'4 PLAY'?

WELL, IT'S LIKE THERE ARE 2 OF EACH OF YOU IN GAMES OF POWER-CONTROL...THE 'WANT
ING TO BE WANTED' AND 'VALUED' IN A NARCISSISM OF VANITY-FEARS WHERE 'LOVE' IS M
ERELY PART OF A TENNIS MATCH OF NETS AND COURTINGS...
HEY I GOT ENOUGH DANGER AND RISK JUST GOING DOWN THE STREET TO THE STORE...
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE SAYS THAT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETHING 'MORE WITHIN' AS T
HE WAYS OF INTIMACY IS CREATIVE AND MORE LASTING THAN THE 'STRANGENESS OF A STRA
NGER-LOVER' ENCOUNTER...IT IS COURAGE IN FACING ONESELF IN SOMETHING INTIMATE AS
'BAGGAGE' IS LEFT OUTSIDE THE DOOR...
'WHY WOULD I WANT TO GET RID OF THE 'WILES AND WAYS' THAT ARE MY POWER, SPELL-CA
STINGS AND MYSTERY?'...
WELL, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU ARE JUST A PARTITIONED 'EROTIC-NEUROTIC' WHO LIVES I
N VANITY FEAR OF BEING ALONE WITH YOUR IMAGE CONSTRUCTIONS...YOU LIKE TO STAY IN
THAT BLANCHE DUBOIS MODE OF 'I DON'T WANT REAL, I WANT MAGIC'...YOU LIKE TO SEE
YOURSELF AS THE 'LOLITA INGENUE' WHO HIDES IN HYSTERIA 'MIMESIS' WEBBINGS...
MIMESIS...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN...

IT MEANS THAT YOU IMITATE AND PLAY ROLES...YOU PREFER FANTASY GREATER THAN PRESE
NCE...
SO...HOW CAN I GET MY NEEDS MET WHEN I KNOW HE WILL USE MY VULNERABILITY AGAINST
ME...I HAFTA HAVE COSMETICS AND MASKS TO GET HIM TO BE WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE..
.
YOU ALREADY USE YOUR 'VULNERABILITY' TO MANIPULATE AND SEDUCE HIM...TO BAIT...TO
OWN HIM...TO THWART AND CONTROL HIS SEXUALITY...YOU 'PARTITION' HIM INTO A PERF
ORMING 'STUD' AND THEN TREAT HIM WITH 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH' WAYS OF 'EXCITING BITCHE
RY' TO KEEP HIM OFF BALANCE... JUST LIKE YOU TREAT EVERYONE...
IT IS A GAME WE PLAY...WE BUILD POWER INTENSITY...A GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK WHERE
THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH BEING APART THAT ONE CAN BE...AN ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVI
NG IN CHAMELEON MASKINGS TO GET MORE POWER AS A WAY TO ENTER THE WORLD...AS 2 NA
RCISSISTS DEEPLY ENMESHED WHO LOVE YET SEEK FREEDOM TO BE ON THEIR OWN...TRYING
TO GET THE SELF ESTEEM TO HAVE PERSONAL WORTH...THEIR UNITY IS THE TEMPORARY MEA
NS OF MOVING TO A SENSE OF INDEPENDENCE EVEN AS THEY ARE DEPENDENT ON ONE ANOTHE
R TO SUSTAIN THE 'IDEA VERSION OF SELF' THAT IS THE BARBI-CAN SHAME FORTRESS OF
ENDURANCE AND MEDIATION...
ENVY...ENVY...ENVY...
YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE...TRYING TO GENERATE AN IMAGE OR A SPELL
THAT IS 'PERMANENT' AND 'LIMITING' AS A 'PERSONALITY' DANCE OF CONTROL...
YEAH, BUT IT STILL FEELS GOOD TO GET OFF AND GET RELEASE...
SURE...YET, THE TERRITORY CONTROL OF THWARTING, INHIBITION, DENIAL AND FORTRESSI
NG EVENTUALLY SUFFOCATES BOTH PARTNERS IN A POWER CONTROL STRUGGLE THAT DESTROYS
LOVE...
'SORT OF A MADNESS...YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM/HER AND YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM/
HER'...
'YEAH, THE EXCESSES OF CONTROL WHERE YOU KEEP YOURSELF SO SAFE THAT YOU DON'T GE
T TO HAVE ANY FUN'...
'YOU HAVE TO PLAY AND THERE HAS TO BE RISK, A TIME OF DANGER, SOMETHING THAT SPA
RKS OUT OF THE ROUTINES AND FAMILIAR'...

'HEY, YOU JUST HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT'...

'TO WIN WHAT'...LOVE IS NOT A GAME'...
'SURE IT IS...IT IS IN THE FEELINGS OF POWER AND CONTROL'...IT IS AN EDGE OR ADV
ANTAGE OF DESIRE, CHARGED SENSES, THE BODY ELECTRIC...FEELING ALIVE'...
'EXCEPT'...
'YEAH I KNOW THAT FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT...IT IS A SENSE OF BEING 'DEAD CERTA
IN' AS CONTROL YET NOT GETTING WHAT I NEED'...
'I KNOW THAT MY MANIPULATION CONTROLS ARE TERRITORIAL LIKE A 'REVERSAL OF SENSES
OF ABANDONMENT' AS WHAT I WANT IS TO REALLY BE IS IN 'TOTAL ABANDON' YET I USE
MY RESENTMENT THAT HE CAN'T RESCUE ME AS A 'CONTEMPT' POSTURE'...
THE PRINCESS USUALLY IS NEVER RESCUED...SHE JUST DIES A THOUSAND DEATHS...THE 'D
EAD CERTAINTY' OF BEING IN 'VANITY FEAR' AND 'BELIEF BEHAVIORS'...
'...AND EVERYONE FEELS 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH', A SENSE OF LACK AND GOES AROUND DOING
COMPENSATORY THINGS TO MAKE UP FOR FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY'...'SO 'SETTLING IN SA
FETY' IS WHAT ONE DOES'...
'IT IS THE 'CASTRATION' OF BEING AS ONE PARTITIONS IN 'CUTTING OFF' FROM REALNES
S...FROM 'TRUTH OF URGENCY'...THE SURRENDER OF PARTS OR MOST OF THE SELF TO 'MED
IATION-CONTROL'...
'HEY, ONE CAN ALWAYS FIND AN ADVENTURE'...
'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...IT IS ADVENTURE AS 'INNER RISK'...IT IS HEART RISK TO EX
TEND AND GO DEEPER...TAKING CHANCES IN ACTIONS OF TRUTH...LETTING GO OF PATTERNS
OF TERRITORIAL HABITS OF 'DEAD CERTAINTY'...THE AGREED UPON 'GAMES' OF FLIRT, S
EDUCTION, FLIGHT, FANTASY AND FORTRESSINGS...THE DESIRE AS STRATEGY CONSTRUCTION
S OF ADVANTAGE AND LEVERAGE TO SEEK POWER TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO C
OPE AND ENDURE'...
YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A WAR WITHIN...
IT IS A 'HIP-HEART WAR' AS THE PLATEAU OF HIPS WHERE GOING ALONG TO GET ALONG IS
THE ALL TOO FAMILIAR MEANS OF 'PECKING ORDER' IN STATUS-ACCEPTANCE-POWER...AN E
CHO OF ROYAL WAYS...INSTITUTIONALIZED ROLES AND SOCIAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS...
BEING AS ANNOINTED OR EXPECTED'...
'ONE LEARNS TO GROW OUT OF THE CLOSED CIRCLES OF PERCEPTUAL CONTAINMENT'...ONE S
TRETCHES IN ENCOUNTERS TO REACH INTO THE 'ABYSS' OF EMPTINESS AND THE NON-CERTAI
N'...
'WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'COMMITMENT'?
'IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN IT IS 'CO-DEPENDENCY'...IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN
IT IS FOR THE 'SAKE OF'...IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN IT IS FORTRESS INERTIA...
IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN THE 'NUMBINGS' AND 'PARTITIONINGS' FURTHER DIVIDE AG
AINST ANY POSSIBILITY OF REAL INTIMACY'...
'SO GREAT 'LOVE GURU' HOW COME YOU ARE NOT IN 'AUTHENTICITY' AS 'TOTAL' TRUTH OF
URGENCY?'...
'WELL, IN SOME SENSES 'DOING NOTHING' IS A DEEP SELF CLEARING AS A WAY OF 'JUST
DO IT' THAT IS NATURAL WITHOUT THE INTENSITY-DENSITY OF 'TRYING TO MAKE IT FIT'.
..IT IS NATURAL IN DESIRE TO BE WITH IN 'AS IS' WITHOUT THE 'MAKE BELIEVE' OF SO
ME DREAM VERSION OF WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE'...
'WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT'...
'IT IS BEING 'DOOMED' TO ENDURE IN EXPECTANCY OF DREAMINGS THAT ARE SELF ABSORPT
ION...IT IS JULIA KRISTEVA WROTE 'ONE MUST RENOUNCE ONE'S AUTO-EROTICISM IN ORDE
R TO FIND A PARTNER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX'...
'WELL, THAT CAN BE A VERY LONELY PATH AS ALMOST EVERYONE IS IN STRATEGIES OF 'MA
KE-UP' AND 'IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT'...
'IT IS BEING NATURAL IN BREATH AND PRESENCE...HEALTH AND SELF LOVE WITHOUT THE D
IVISIONS OF INNER SPLITTINGS TO BE AS ONE 'WANTS SOMEONE TO BE'...IT IS VITALITY
IN NUTRITION, FASHIONS AND MOTIONS THAT ARE FROM WITHIN...WHAT IS REALLY BEST F
OR ONE'...
'IT IS BEING PREPARED FOR WHAT ONE ASKS FOR EVEN AS THERE ISN'T THE SLIGHTEST SI
GN OF IT IN SIGHT........