Textfrommyinitial

WPsubmission:
(aphrase,sentence,
paragraph,idea,
move,punctuation,
pieceofevidence,
etc.)

Anobservationor
questionIrecieved
fromDePiero
or
a
classmate:

Thechange(s)I
madetowhatI
initiallywrote:
(ie,
thechange[s]Imade
tocolumn1)

Howthischange
impactsmypaper:

Astheyearspassus
by,drugsbeganto
evolveintermsof
useandpurpose.

Checkouttheverb
tensesinthis
sentence.

Astheyearspass,
Thiswasthefirst
drugsevolveinterms sentenceinthepaper,
ofuseandpurpose. sohavingaverb
tenseerrorwasabit
embarrassing.Fixing
thaterrorand
choppingoff
unnecessarywords
makesforbetter
focusandgets
straighttothepoint,
muchlikeIwantmy
papertobe.Thisisa
goodstart(literally).

Thedisciplinesof
statistics,psychology,
andpoliticalscience
aswellasthegenres
ofscholarlytextsand
nonscholarlyarticles
largelyinfluencehow
thesubjectis
approached,why
particularstructural
conventionsare
applied,andwhat
typesofmovesused
bytheauthors.

You'regivingmea
broadoverviewhere,
Chia,whichcertainly
helps,butIwant
moredirection.I
needmoreofa
specific,driving
thesisstatement.

Thoughthe
examinationof
ecstasyuseisspecific
totherespective
discipline,the
articlesstructureand
wordchoiceare
ultimatelydetermined
bywhetherornotthe
textwasascholarly
textornonscholarly
piece.

Thethesiswas
completelyredonein
ordertoexplicitly
statethatthearticleis
influencedmoreso
bygenre(scholarlyor
nonscholarly).The
disciplinesarenot
listedduetotheir
minimalinfluence.
Conventionsare
morespecificin
description.Thissets
thepaperupfora
morefocused
argument.

overallstructureof
myWP1

Trytothinkiftheres
abestwayof
structuringyour
papersothatyour

Igaveeachparagraph
itsownmainideas,
usuallywith
conventionsorthe

Abetterflowand
overallbetter
organizationofeach
paragraph/from

argumentunfoldsina
waythats
readerfriendlythat
builds.

introductionofnew
ideas,andbetterused
transitionstoconnect
eachparagraphtothe
oneprior.

paragraphto
paragraphmakesit
easierforthe
audienceto
understandtheessay
anditsmainpoints.

...preoccupiedwith
thefutureandthe
conditionofthemind
aftercontinualabuse
ofecstasy.Evidence
allowsthescholarsto
cometothe
conclusionthatgreat
exposuretothe
drug

What's"conditionof
themind"mean?
What'sthethreshold
for"greatexposure"?
Canyougetmore
specifichere?

Ratherthanuse
conditionofthe
mindandgreat
exposure,Iused:
levelof
emotional
stability
highusage
ofthedrug

Morespecificity
whenintroducing
evidenceoranalyzing
itwillincreasethe
validityofmy
statements.

Adoptingthe
approachof
statisticians,ecstasy
useisexamined
throughfactorssuch
aslifestyle,
behavioralpatterns,
andabuseofother
substances.Thestudy
in
FactorsAssociated
withTeenageEcstasy
Use
provided
informationthat
allowedstatisticians
toinferthatfemale
gender,delinquency,
problembehaviours
atschoolandthe
numberofevenings
spentoutwithfriends
eachweekwere[...]
significant[in]
predicting[ecstasy
use](McCrystalet
al.507).Inother
words,thereare
manyfactors,

OK,soaquestionfor
you:inthelast3
paragraphs,where
wereyoutryingto
accomplish?You're
bringingupall3
articlesandtelling
mesomethingabout
them,butwhat,
exactly,areyou
tellingme?Andhow
doesitrelatebackto
yourargument?What
aretheselast3
paragraphsultimately
"saying"?

Ideterminedwhat
informationaboutthe
articlewasrelevant
andcondensedthe
informationIdeemed
important.Then,I
addedasentenceor
tworegardingthe
approachthatwas
madebythe
particular
discipline/article.

Thoughcontextis
alwaysneeded,I
thinkthatproviding
onlythehighlightsof
thearticleprovided
lessroomfor
rambling/straying
fromtheargument.
Thesentencesadded
alsosummedupwhy
allthiscontextwas
addedtobeginwith.

especiallyregarding
negativeadolescent
behavior,thatare
positivelyassociated
withpatternsof
ecstasyuse.The
factorstakeninto
accountreflectones
lifepriortoecstasy
use,highlightingthe
factthatstatisticians
oftenlooktothepast
andcollectempirical
datafrombefore.
Ingeneral,thefirst
halfofthefirst
writingproject.The
secondhalfheldalot
moretextual
evidence.

Ineedyouto
integratealotmore
textualevidence.
HelpmeSEEwhat
youwantmetosee
thatway,youll
convincemeofyour
claims.Trytoavoid
justwritingabout
thesourcesactually
usethesources.

Inordertousemore
legitimatesources
otherthanmyclaims,
Iincludedmanymore
citationsmostly
concreteevidenceof
songlyricsto
demonstratemy
point.

Usingthesesources
createsmorevalidity,
asusingstrongerand
morelegitimate
sourcessupportsmy
claims.

...veryspacedout,
withafewempty
rowsbetweenevery
coupleofsentences.
Thismakesthearticle
veryeasytoreadasit
demonstratesamuch
looserstructure
similartoonline
blogs,whichworks
wellsincetheauthor
istryingtoreacha
specific[andsimilar]
groupofreaders
(Bunn76).Inother
words,thewritersof
thearticleseemtobe
targetinganaudience

Ineedmore
specificityhere.
Spacedout...aform
likeblogs...whatdo
youmeanhere?

Moreexplanation
wasgivenregarding
theformat.Iwrote
thattheformatwas
morefreeform(less
structuredthan
journalarticles),
makingitless
intimidatingand
moreeasilydigestible
tothereader.

Thisclarificationof
whatImeantby
veryspacedout
andformlikeblogs
allowedforthereader
tounderstandmoreof
whatImeantwith
thesestatements.It
alsocommentedabit
moreonwhythis
formatwouldbe
important.

whowouldmost
likelyreadonline
blogsaswell.In
ordertoreachoutto
thisaudience,this
articlewaswrittenin
aformreminiscentof
blogs.
Inordertofully
benefitfromthe
creationofgenres,
onemustthoroughly
understandthegenre
andbewillingto
strayfromcommon
conventionsofthat
particulargenrein
ordertoallowfor
morecreative
works.

I'mwonderingwhat
specificconventions
willyoubeanalyzing
here,andforwhich
audience(s)?The
moredetailyoucan
givemeearlyon,the
easierI'llbeableto
followyou
throughoutthepaper.

Inordertoutilize
onestalentsin
writinghitsongs,one
mustthoroughly
understandthegenre
ofonehitwonders
andbewillingtogo
beyondwritingsongs
basedsolelyonthe
commonconventions
ofrepetitivenessand
simple,expressive
lyrics.

Here,thethesisis
rewrittenwithmore
specificstoallowthe
readersaheadsupfor
whattolookforin
termsofthese
conventions.Italso
narrowsthefocusof
theessayfromthe
beginning.

Thefirstconvention
thatdefinedifitwas
ahitsong,isthe
pleasingand
engagingrhythmand
melody.After
lookingateachsong,
onecaneasily
recognizethatthe
lyricswrittenare
simple,expressive,
andrepetitive.

Rhythm/melodyand
simple/expressive/rep
etitivelyricsare2
separateideas,I
think....

Here,Ijustlisted
eachandevery
conventionpossible.
Inthesecond
revision,Iusedthe
entireparagraphto
introducethe
conventionofsimple,
expressivelyrics,
textualevidence,and
analysis.

Breakingupthe
differentconventions
intodifferent
paragraphsallowsfor
eachonetobe
thoroughlyexplained
andintroduced.

Whenmentioningthe
sourcesthatarebeing
usedinthebeginning
paragraphsalong
withconventions

Howcomeyou're
onlymentioningthe
Jojosong?(Also,
whatsongsareyou
focusingon?What
areyour3sources?)

Imadesuretonot
onlymentionthe3
sourcesofthis
writingproject,but
alsotousethemas
examplesandfurther
analyzehoweach
pertainstothe
convention.

Mentioningallthree
sourcesgivesthe
readermoreconcrete
evidenceregarding
yourargument,
allowingthemtosee
thingsfromyour
perspective.