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Alice in Wonderland

Nanjing International School


MYP/DP Production
2009 / 2010

Table of Contents
Act I
Scene One: Alice Meets the White Rabbit

4
4

Song 1: Late for a Date with The Duchess

Song 2: Curiouser and Curiouser (Part One)

Song Three: Curiouser and Curiouser (Part Two)

Song 4: Caucus Race

Song Five: Caucus Race (Repeat)

Scene Two: Advice from the Caterpillar


Song 6: Keep Your Temper

Scene Three: The Duchess Kitchen

10

12
14

17

Song 7: Wow! Wow! Wow!

18

Song 8: Crash! Wallop! and Bang!

20

Song 9: Crash! Wallop! and Bang! (Reprise)

20

Song 10: Crash! Wallop! and Bang! (Repeat)

21

Scene Four: The Mad Hatters Tea Party

23

Song 11: Its All A Matter of Time

26

Song 13: All a Matter of Time and Late for a Date (2nd Reprise)

31

ACT TWO:
Scene One: The Palace Garden

32
32

Song 14: Painting the Roses

33

Song 15: Off With Her Head

35

Song 16: Off With Their Heads (Reprise)

37

Song 17: Off With Their Heads! (Reprise)

38

Song 18: Off With Her Head! Reprise

40

Scene Two: Tweedledum and Tweedledee

41

Song 18: Tweedledum and Tweedledee

44

Scene Three: At the Seaside

47

Song 20: The Lobster Quadrille

49

Song 21: The Lobster Quadrille (Reprise)

51

Scene Four: The Trial

52

Song 22: Consider Your Verdict!

53

Song 23: Your Verdict (Reprise)

54

Song 24: Consider Your Verdict (Reprise)

56

Song 25: Wonderland

57

Act I
Scene One: Alice Meets the White Rabbit
The White rabbit, in his waistcoat and tailored morning coat, is sitting in the
auditorium as the audience comes in. He has a large pocket watch, which he
keeps looking at nervously. When the audience are in, the house lights dim
and the curtain rises.
Alice is sitting on a grassy bank, where she is playing a game of patience with
a pack of cards. Beside her is a book. It is a hot, lazy, sunny day, and she is
obviously bored.
ALICE:

(picking up the book and looking at it for a moment.) Whats the use of a
book without pictures or conversation? (She put the book down, then tosses
the playing cards up in the air. They flutter to the ground.)

WHITE RABBIT:

Oh no! Im late! Im so terribly late!

Song 1: Late for a Date with The Duchess


WHITE RABBIT:

Im late for a date with The Duchess


My whiskers and my fur!
If youre going to be late for a date with the anyone,
Then dont pick her!
Shes really such a stickler
For punctuality.
To be late for a date with the Duchess is
A terrible thing to be;
So you see,
Now you know,
Why I simply have to go!

ALICE:

(speaking) How very strange! A white rabbit with a pocket watch. I


wonder who the Duchess is and why hes late.

WHITE RABBIT:

(Sings) Im late for a date with the Duchess


My whiskers and my paws!
Ive never been late for a date with anyone,
Not ever before!
I really cant imagine
What she might do to me;
To be late for a date with the Duchess is
A terrible thing to be;
So you see;
Now you know;

Why I simply have to go


Alice starts to laugh.
Its not a laughing matter,
Shell simply go insane,
If youre ever late for the Duchess
Then youll never be late again
WHITE RABBIT:

(speaks) Oh dear! Oh dear! (He rushes about all over the stage)
(sings) Im late for a date with the Duchess
What a terrible thing to be
If anyones late for a date with the Duchess,
It would be me!
Disaster and misfortune,
And oh, calamity!
To be late for a date with the Duchess is
A terrible thing to be;
So you see;
Now you know;
Why I simply have to go.
So you see;
Now you know;
Why I simply have to...
I simply have to go!
Cheerio!

ALICE:

(following the White Rabbit) Excuse me, Im --

WHITE RABBIT:

I cant possibly talk to anyone -- Im so very late! Oh my whiskers and


fur!

ALICE:

But -- (to the audience) I wonder why hes in such a hurry?


The White Rabbit disappears offstage down a rabbit hole.
Wait! Wait for me!
The white rabbit has gone. Alice, in pursuit, starts to descend. Suddenly, she
begins to fall, and as she does so, her voice becomes an echo. The lights dim
and music adds to the mysterious, dream-like quality of the event.
(Without real dismay.) Oh! Oh! Im falling! What a strange sensation!...
Like floating... Only different... Floating down at an incredible speed! If I
ever fall down the stairs at home, itll be nothing compared to this.
Everyone will think Im so brave when I tell them what happened. I

name

wonder how far Ive fallen? I must be getting somewhere near the centre
of the Earth by now. I wonder how thick the world is -- from one side to
the other? I might even fall right through the heart! How funny itll seem
to come out among the people who walk with their heads downwards!
The antipathies, I think, or so it is some other world? I shall ask the
of the country. Please, maam, is this Australian? Oh!
Suddenly there is a loud stop. Alices landed! The lights come up slowly. Alice
is in the centre of the stage in a crumpled heap. The White Rabbit is scurrying
about, humming the odd line from his song late for the date with the
Duchess.

WHITE RABBIT:

Oh, my whiskers and ears! How late its getting!


There are three doors on stage of varying size. One is large, one is mediumsized, and one is small. The white rabbit opens the medium-sized one and
disappears offstage out of sight. Alice rushes after him, but she is just too
late. The door bangs closed, and the White Rabbit is gone.

ALICE:

(Trying to open the door) Oh, its locked, and I still wanted to speak to
him. (She tries the largest door, but that is also locked.) Oh dear! (She tries
the smallest one.) Perhaps this one opens. (It does.) But Im much too big
to get through. Oh, whats this? (She notices for the first time a little bottle.
She picks it up and reads the label.) Drink me! Its all very well to say
Drink me, but it could be poison. (She sniffs the contents.) It doesnt
smell like poison... In fact it smells quite nice. I do hope its safe.
Alice drinks from the bottle. Suddenly, the lights go out. In the darkness the
three doors start to revolve. The doors are mounted on two triangular shaped
trucks with central pivot. When the lights come back on again, the trucks
have partially revolved revealing three more doors which are all
proportionately larger. The impression is that Alice is shrunk. Alice sings her
song in darkness so that the audience do not see the trucks revolving.
Im shrinking! Im shrinking! Im shutting up like a telescope!

Song 2: Curiouser and Curiouser (Part One)


ALICE:

Curiouser and Curiouser,


How strange the world is now!
It seems Im just 10 inches high,
And everything else is 10 feet tall.
The lighting returns to normal.
Well, at least Im small enough now to get through that little door. (She
tries the door but it is locked.) Oh no! I dont believe it -- its locked now -and I so wanted to... (She suddenly notices a little box.) Now whats this?

(She picks up the box and takes out a small cake which she holds up.) Look
what it says. Eat me. I suppose it cant do me any more harm. (To the
audience.) Shall I eat some? I shall blame you if I feel poorly to
afterwards. (She takes a bite and immediately darkness follows.) Now, Im
opening up again, like a giant telescope. Goodbye feet!
In the darkness the trucks are revolving again. On the third side of each truck
is another door, each one proportionately smaller. When the lights come on
again, when the revolve is complete, the impression is that Alice has grown.
Song Three: Curiouser and Curiouser (Part Two)
ALICE:

Curiouser and curiouser,


How strange the world is now
One moment Im just 10 inches high
And now Im over 10 feet tall
All of this just isnt fair. Now Im much too big to get through any of
these doors. (She sits down and starts to cry.) You ought to be ashamed of
yourself. Crying like this. (She takes a handkerchief out of her sleeve and
wipes her eyes.) Stop it at once, I tell you. (She stops crying.) Well, I shall
just have to drink some more from that magic bottle, wont I? Now,
where is it?
Alice finds the bottle and drinks. The lights go out for a final time and the
trucks revolve again so that when the light returns to normal, the trucks have
revolved through 360 and are back where we started, only now the stage is
full of suspended drops of water representing the tears which Alice shed when
she was larger. Alice starts to swim and as she does does so there is the sound
of splashing water.
At least Im a sensible height now. (She sputters as she swims about
through the water.) But I wish I hadnt cried so much when I was tall. It
looks as if I might even drowned in my own tears. (To audience.) Now,
wouldnt that be ridiculous?
Alice suddenly notices a mouse was paddled onto the stage.
Well, look at that mouse. (to the mouse.) I dont suppose you know your
way out of this pool, do you? Im very tired of swimming about. (The
mouse ignores her.) Perhaps it doesnt understand English. It could be a
French mouse come over with William the Conqueror. (To the audience.)
Well, why not? (Positively.) I shall speak to it in French. Right... Here
goes... er... Oh... Im not very good at French. (To the audience) Do you
know any French words? (They help her out.) Oh yes... (Speaking to the
mouse.) Parlez-vous anglais?...Excusez-moi?...Comment allez-vous? (The
mouse ignores her until she asks:) Ou est ma chat? (At this the mouse jumps
with fright and starts to paddle twice as quickly.) Oh dear! What have I

said? Ou est ma chat? Let me see...that means: Where...is...my...cat?


Where is my cat! No wonder I upset him. (To the audience) Who
suggested I say that? (To the mouse) I beg your pardon! I forgot you
didnt like cats!
MOUSE:

(with a strong French accent) Not like cats! Would you like cats if you were
me?

ALICE:

Perhaps not -- but please dont get angry. We wont talk about cats if you
rather not.

MOUSE:

WE indeed! As if I could talk on such a subject! Our family has always


hated cats. Nasty low, vulgar things! Dont let me hear the name again.
Just get me to the shore!
A duck and a dodo have joined them in the pool. Other strange creatures may
also have joined them as well. (And share some of the ducks lines.)

DODO:

(Pompously) Youre not the only one, you know. Others are suffering
similar misfortunes.

DUCK:

Ducks like water! Quack!

EAGLET:

I daresay they do!

ALICE:

I think the shores this way. Follow me.


The animals swim after Alice, and the suspended drops are flown off.
(Shaking herself in an effort to get dry.) Im soaking wet.

DODO:

Then I suggest an energetic remedy to resolve the perplexities of the


present predicament.

DUCK:

Speak English! Quack! I dont understand the meaning of half those long
words.

DODO:

What I was about to say was, the only thing to get us all dry is a caucus
race.

ALICE:

Whats a caucus race?

DODO:

(surprised) You mean you... (He sighs heavily) Well, I suppose the only
way to explain it is to do it. (Now he slaps his tiny wings vaguely.) This is
the boundary. You all stand wherever you want. (He walks over to the
musical director and bows low) And music, Maestro, please.
During the song everyone on stage rushes about in any direction

Song 4: Caucus Race


DODO:

Run here, run there,


Run anywhere you want to,
Just run and scatter
This way, that way,
Any way you want to,
It doesnt matter.
Just charge about all over the place,
Hither and thither at a raucous pace,
Run this way, that way,
Any way you want to,
Thats a caucus race!
(Theres a short instrumental passages the race continues)

ALICE:

Run here, run there,


Run anywhere you want to,
Just run in scatter,
This way, that way,
Any way you want to, it doesnt matter.
Just charge about all over the place,
Hither and thither at a raucous pace,
Run this way, the run that way,
Any way you want to,
Thats a caucus race!

DODO:

(Announcing grandly) The race is over!

MOUSE:

Over? But Im not dry yet.

DODO:

In that case we shall have to run the race all over again.

DUCK:

Oh yes, please. I did enjoy it. Quack!

ALICE:

I think it would be much more fun if there were more contestants.

DODO:

(Still very aloof) You do, do you?

DUCK:
DODO:

Oh, yes! Why dont we ask... (in a loud whisper, and jerking his thumb at
the audience) ...some of them? Quack!
Out of the the question!

DUCK:

(Disappointed) Oh!

DODO:

We couldnt possibly. (He puffs out his chest and looks down his beak with
great contempt.) Theyre not our type.

10

DUCK:

Not our type? Quack! What does he mean?

DODO:

They wouldnt be any good!

ALICE:

Im sure they would.

DUCK:

Lets ask them.

DODO:

No!

DUCK:

Oh, go on. Quack!

ALICE:

Come on then.
At first the dodo stands his ground, but eventually he follows the other three
into the audience. Four children are chosen to take part, and the dodo takes
over as organizer again.
Now you all stand... Well, wherever you want. (To the musical director)
Music, Maestro, please.

DODO:

Song Five: Caucus Race (Repeat)


Run here, run there,
Run anywhere you want to,
Just run and scatter,
This way, that way,
Any way you want to,
It doesnt matter.
Just charge about all over the place,
Hither and thither at a raucous pace,
Run this way, that way,
Any way you want to,
Thats a caucus race!

DODO:

Theres a short instrumental passages the race continues

ALICE:

Run here, run there,


Run anywhere you want to,
Just run in scatter,
This way, that way,
Any way you want to,
It doesnt matter.

11

Just charge about all over the place,


Hither and thither at a raucous pace,
Run this way, the run that way,
Any way you want to,
Thats a caucus race!
DODO:

(Assuming that the applause at the end of the song is for him) Thank you. So
very kind of you all!

DUCK:

(Getting carried away) More! More! Quack! Encore! One more time!
Quack! (Suddenly he is aware that he is the only one making a noise.)
Oops! Sorry!

ALICE:

(Approaching the dodo) Please, just once more. Im still a tiny bit wet.
(She holds a corner of her dress.) Feel!
The dodo remains aloof

DUCK:

(Realising that flattery is the best approach.) That was a lovely song!
Quack! Did you write it?

DODO:

I was indeed the composer of the aforementioned melody.

DUCK:

(To the mouse.) Does that mean he wrote it?

DODO:

(Quickly.) I did!

DUCK:

It was ever so good, you know.

MOUSE:

And it really was a very nice race, too.

DODO:

Very well. In that case we shall all sing the song one more time.
The song and the race are repeated with the contestants on stage. At the end
of the song, the duck crashes into the dodo.

DUCK:

(Eagerly.) Whos won? Quack! This one? Come on man, whos won?

DODO:

Won what?

Duck.

The race, of course, the race? You said it was a race. A caucus race.

DODO:

Indeed I did.

DUCK:

Well, whos won? Were all waiting. Quack!

DODO:

(After positing for thought.) Everyone has one, and everyone must have a
prize.

12

MOUSE:

Whos going to give the prizes?

DODO:

(Pointing at Alice.) She is, of course.

ALICE:

Me? But I havent got any prizes. All Ive got is... (She digs into her
pocket and pulls out a bag of sweets much to her surprise... ) a bag of
sweets!

DODO:

Perfect! (He takes the sweets and hands them out. When he reaches Alice the
package is empty.)

MOUSE:

But she must have a prize herself, you know.

DODO:

(Gravely.) Of course. (To Alice.) What else do you have in your pocket?

ALICE:

(sadly) Only a thimble.

DODO:

Hand it over here. (Alice hands it over.) We beg your acceptance of this
elegant thimble. (He hands it over to Alice and everyone applauds.)

ALICE:

(Puzzled, but curtsying graciously.) Thank you. (Speaking generally.) Well,


what an extraordinarily race... and what strange rules! Ive never known
anything like it before, though it was fun, wasnt it? I wonder where the
white rabbit went to? I shall ask the others. (She turns to speak to the other
animals, but theyve left the stage.) Oh, theyve gone. And they didnt even
say goodbye. I think thats rather impolite really. I shall just have to look
for the White rabbit myself. (Calling.) White rabbit! White rabbit!
Alice starts to exit in pursuit of the White Rabbit. The lights fade.

Scene Two: Advice from the Caterpillar


The stage is bare except for a large mushroom upon which sits a big, fat, blue
caterpillar. His arms are folded, and he smoking a hookah. The sound of Alice
calling after the White Rabbit can just be heard offstage.
Alice enters.
ALICE:

(Calling.) White Rabbit! White Rabbit! (Suddenly she notices the


caterpillar they stare at each other for a moment.)

CATERPILLAR:

(Taking the pipe out of his mouth, and addressing Alice in a language, sleepy
way,) Who are you?

ALICE:

I dont really know, sir. Well, I knew who I was when I got up this
morning, of course, but some strange things have happened to me since
then, that I no longer really know who I am.

13

CATERPILLAR:

What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!

ALICE:

I cannot explain myself, Im afraid, sir, because Im not myself, you see.

CATERPILLAR:

I dont see.

ALICE:

(Politely.) Im afraid I cant put it any more clearly. I wish I could, but I
cant begin to understand it myself, and I keep changing size; Ive
already been lots of different sizes today.

CATERPILLAR:

And what size are you now?

ALICE:

I dont really know that. If youre a caterpillar --

CATERPILLAR:

I most certainly am!

ALICE:

Then I suppose... (she tries to work out her height in relation to the
caterpillar,) I suppose I must be about 3 inches high.

CATERPILLAR:

And what, may I ask, is so wrong with being 3 inches high?

ALICE:

Well, its a rotten height.

CATERPILLAR:

Its a very good height indeed!

ALICE:

It might be good for you, but Im afraid Im not used to it. Id like to be
taller.

CATERPILLAR:

Youll get used to it.

ALICE:

I dont really want to get used to it, sir. Well, its all so confusing.

CATERPILLAR:

No. It isnt!

ALICE:

Well, perhaps you havent found it so yet, but one day youll turn into a
chrysalis, and then into a butterfly. I bet youll find it confusing then.

CATERPILLAR:

Not in the slightest!

ALICE:

Perhaps then caterpillars dont feel the same as humans do. Im sure it
would feel very odd to me.

CATERPILLAR:

(Deliberately.) Who are you?

ALICE:

(After sighing deeply.) Why dont you tell me who you are first?

CATERPILLAR:

Why should I?

14

ALICE:

This really isnt much of a conversation, you know. I think Ill still find
someone else to talk to. (She starts to ask exit.)

CATERPILLAR:

Come back, immediately. I shall have something important to say to you.

ALICE:

(Returning.) Well? It had better be good.

CATERPILLAR:

Oh, its very good indeed!

Song 6: Keep Your Temper


CATERPILLAR:

Keep your temper, little girl,


Make every effort to preserve your dignity.
Dont lose your temper, little girl,
And with any luck youll grow up just like me!
If you stay calm and collected,
You will always be respected,
By everyone who walks upon this world.
So just come over here,
Let me whisper in your ear,
Keep your temper, little girl!
Dont be angry, little girl,
Its unbecoming to behave the way you do
You should be stately, little girl,
Elegant and calm and graceful too.
In this busy world of noise,
You must strive to keep your poise,
And never get your bloomers in a twirl
So if you please, walk this way,
Theres something I must say,
Keep your temper, little girl!
Some animals are known for their bad manners,
Im sure that I could mention one or two.
A nasty little house-fly should be swatted.
If it behaved as noisily as you!

So keep your temper, little girl,


Make every effort to preserve your dignity,
Dont lose your temper, little girl,
And with any luck youll grow up just like me!
If you stay calm and collected,
You will always be respected,
By everyone who walks upon this world.
So just come over here,

15

Let me whisper in your ear,


Keep your temper, little girl!
Keep your temper, little girl!
CATERPILLAR:

So you want to change your size, do you?

ALICE:

Yes, I do.

CATERPILLAR:

(Getting down off the mushroom.) One side will make you grow taller, and
the other side will make you grow shorter.

ALICE:

One side of what? The other side of what?

CATERPILLAR:

Of the mushroom! (He exits.)

ALICE:

I dont think I trust him. (She gets up onto the mushroom and sits there.) I
mean, and he was rather odd, wasnt he? But then so is everyone around
here. Ive grown and shrunk and grown and shrunk and... perhaps the
mushroom will make me taller. (To the audience.) What you think?
Should I try it? Well, nothing really dreadful has happened to me yet, has
it? And no tummy aches! But a mushroom! I dont even like the taste of
mushrooms! (She gets off the mushroom and walks around to the side of it
she kneels down and opens her mouth wide.) No! Wait a moment! How do I
know which side it is? I certainly dont want to get any smaller, or Ill
disappear altogether. The last side? The right side? Well, make up your
minds. Ill try the left side. (She goes over to the left side of the mushroom
and takes a bite. Immediately the stage is plunged into darkness. We hear the
familiar music again, and when the lights come back up again, Alice is in
exactly the same position, but the mushroom appears to have vanished. In
fact at tiny mushroom, about 3 inches high, is in its place. Alice bends down
and picks it up.) Its the mushroom! Its tiny! Which means I must have
grown.
Enter from stage left the frog footman, and from stage right to fish footman.
Theyre both dressed in full livery, and have powdered, curly hair. They
advance towards each other until they are just a few feet apart facing each
other. Alice looks at them at amazement. They are indeed strange creatures.
The fish footman produces from under his arm a great letter nearly as large
as himself. He holds it out for the frog footman.

FISH FOOTMAN:

(Solemnly.) For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play


croquet.
(They both bow and their curly hair gets tangled together. Alice starts to
giggle. The two footmen struggle to separate themselves.)

FISH FOOTMAN:

What amuses you?

16

(Trying to suppress her giggles.) Nothing! Really nothing! (Regaining her


composure.) Did you say an invitation?

ALICE:

FROG FOOTMAN: From the Queen.


FISH FOOTMAN:

To the Duchess.

FROG FOOTMAN: To play croquet.


Let me help you. (She goes over to the two footmen and separates them.)
Ive heard a bit about the Duchess.

ALICE:

FROG FOOTMAN: And what have you heard about the Queen?
ALICE:

Why... nothing?

FISH FOOTMAN:

Nothing?

ALICE:

Nothing at all! Who is she?

FISH FOOTMAN:

She is. The queen --

FROG FOOTMAN: of Hearts!


(This could be the queue for a thunderclap or some other terrifying noise.)
ALICE:

(Unimpressed.) Well?

FISH FOOTMAN:

She will have you executed.

ALICE:

But why? Ive done nothing wrong!

FISH FOOTMAN:

She will have you --

BOTH FOOTMAN: Executed!


(Another thunderclap)
ALICE:

(Somewhat more concerned now.) But -Both footmen turn away and start exit in the direction from which they came.

ALICE:

Dont go! (Not knowing which one to follow.) Why does everyone keep
leaving? (She chases after the fish footman catches him just before he exits.)
I really dont like the sound of the Queen at all, but Id like to meet the
Duchess.

FISH FOOTMAN:

You would, would you?

17

ALICE:

Yes!

FISH FOOTMAN:

Are you sure?

ALICE:

Quite sure!

FISH FOOTMAN:

Well, Im afraid you cant. (He starts to exit again.)

ALICE:

(Following) Why not?

FISH FOOTMAN:

Because.... because oh, very well... but just remember.

ALICE:

Remember what?

FISH FOOTMAN:

You werent invited.


(Alice and the Fish Footman exit. The lights fade.)

Scene Three: The Duchess Kitchen


The kitchen. The room is full of smoke and noise. The Duchess is sitting on a
three legged stool in the middle of the stage nursing a baby. The cook is
leaning over the fire stirring at giant cauldron of soup and generally making
much noise as he can as he crashes about with pots and pans. He has an
enormous Pepper mill which he grinds into the soup. The Duchess and the
baby keep sneezing. The Cheshire cat, curled up upon the hearth corrupt, is
grinning broadly.
Enter Alice; immediately she sneezes. She walks over to the cauldron to see
what the cook is making. She dipsher finger into the cauldron and tastes the
soup.
ALICE:

(Sneezing.) Theres too much pepper in the suit.

COOK:

(Speaking in a very loud Italian accent.) Too much! Too much! Not enough
more like it. (He grinds in more purring continues to crash about.)

ALICE:

(Approaching the Duchess.) Excuse me, Duchess, but could you tell me
why your cat grins like that?

DUCHESS:

Its a Cheshire cat, thats why! (To the baby) Pig!

ALICE:

I didnt know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact, I didnt know
that cats could grin at all.

DUCHESS:

They all can, and most of them do.

18

ALICE:

I dont know of any that do.

DUCHESS:

You dont know much, and thats a fact. (To the baby.) Pig!
The cook, who is continuing to make a noise, suddenly starts to throw pots
and pans and fire irons and dishes at the Duchess and the baby. The Duchess
takes no notice, but the baby howls.

ALICE:

(To the cook.) Oh, please mind what youre doing.

DUCHESS:

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around the
deal faster than it does.

ALICE:

To the cook which would not be an advantage. You see, the Earth takes
24 hours to turn on its axis.

DUCHESS:

Talking of axes, have you met the Queen of hearts?


There is a thunderclap.

ALICE:

No, I havent... but why axis?

DUCHESS:

Oh, never mind! Sing the baby a lullaby.

ALICE:

A lullaby? Im afraid --

DUCHESS:

Afraid, afraid of, that child? This baby wont harm you.

ALICE:

I meant by it --

DUCHESS:

(Impatiently.) Ill sing it a lullaby. (She tosses the baby up and down as she
sings.)

Song 7: Wow! Wow! Wow!


DUCHESS:

Speak roughly to your little boy


And beat him when he sneezes.
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.

ALL (EXCEPT ALICE):

DUCHESS:

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!


Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

I speak severely to my boy,


I beat him when he sneezes

19

For he can thoroughly enjoy


The pepper when he pleases.
ALL (EXCEPT ALICE):

ALICE:

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!


Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

(Jumping up and down with her hands over her ears) Stop it! Stop it!
(The Duchess, the cook and the Cheshire cat all stare at Alice.)
Thats a horrible song, and its certainly not a lullaby. Lullabies are
supposed to be gentle songs to help a baby get to sleep. You just woke it
up.
(The baby howls.)

DUCHESS:

He was awake already. (To the baby.) Pig! (She throws the baby to Alice
who catches it.) Here, you may nurse the baby if you like. I must go and
get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
Another thunderclap.

ALICE:

No, dont go!

DUCHESS:

And why not?

ALICE:

She might have you executed.

COOK:

(Flinging a frying pan at the departing Duchess.) Good!


The Duchess exits.

ALICE:

(To the cook.) Shhhhh! Youre making a noise. This poor baby will never
get to sleep.

COOK:
ALICE:

(Stirring the soup.) I like making a noise. I like going, crash! Wallop!
Bang! Dont you?
Sometimes, perhaps, but not all the time.

COOK:

Would you like to hear my song?

ALICE:

Well, I --

COOK:

Its a very good song!

ALICE:

Im sure it is.

20

COOK:

Its a very noisy song!

ALICE:

I thought it might be.

COOK:

(To the audience.) Youd like to hear it, wouldnt you? (He has a saucepan
tucked under one arm and is hitting it threateningly with a large spoon.)
Well, youre going to hear whether you like it or not! This is it, and its
called, Crash! Wallop! and Bang!

Song 8: Crash! Wallop! and Bang!


COOK:

Crash! Wallop! and Bang!


I sing it as loud as I can.
I throw in more pepper
To make it taste better,
And stir it up on the giant pan,
Crash! Wallop! and Bang!
I make as much noise as I can.
I love to batter
And make such a clatter.
Crash! Wallop! and Bang!

COOK:

(To Alice.) Did you like it?

ALICE:

Yes... it was very nice... perhaps a little loud for the baby though.

COOK:

(To the audience) Did you like it? I cant hear you... did you like it? You
want me to sing it again to you? You want to sing with me? Can you sing
loudly? I hope so! Right, here we go.
The words of the song can be flown in on a song sheet if required.

Song 9: Crash! Wallop! and Bang! (Reprise)


COOK:

Crash! Wallop! and Bang!


I sing it as loud as I can.
I throw in more pepper
To make it taste better,
and stir it up on a giant pan.
Crash! Wallop! and Bang!
I make as much noise as I can.
I love to batter and make such a clatter.
Crash wallet and bang!

COOK:

Hmmm, not bad! But I thought you said you could sing loudly, though?
Right! I tell you what Im going to do. Im going to split you up into three
sections and well have a competition. The louder section wins. (To the

21

first section.) Now you lots... youre mine! Were the crashes. Can you
shout, Crash! as loudly as possible? Lets have a practice then. After
three, one... two...three... crash
CHESHIRE CAT:

(In a soft silky voice.) And Ill have this lot in the middle. (To the second
section of the audience.) Well be the wallops. There, I thought youd like
that! Now, I want you all to shout, Wallop as loudly as you can after a
count to three. One... two...three...Wallop! Thatll do nicely.

ALICE:

(To the third section of the audience.) So you must be mine, I suppose. Well,
I think were going to be the best lot. Now, can you all shout,Bang? I
want to hear you, Bang! And again... even louder. Bang!: Were
bound to win.

COOK:

Are you already then? Well all have one practice shout. After three,
altogether. One... two...three... (The audience shout out their word
encouraged by the cook, the Cheshire cat, and Alice.) Now, when you get to
the word in the song you have to shut it as loudly as you can. Are you
ready? Ready Crashes?

CHESHIRE CAT:

.Ready Wallops?

ALICE:

Ready, Bangs?

COOK:

Here we go, then.

Song 10: Crash! Wallop! and Bang! (Repeat)


ALL WITH:

Crash! Wallop! and Bang!


I sing it as loud as I can.
I throw in more pepper
To make it taste better,
and stir it up on the giant pan.
Crash! Wallop! and Bang!
I make as much noise as I can.
I love to batter and
Make such a clatter.
Crash! Wallop! and Bang!

COOK:

My lot won!

ALICE:

No, they didnt!

CHESHIRE CAT:

My wallops were the loudest, werent you?


The Cook, Alice and the Cheshire cat start to argue.

22

COOK:

(Eventually calling a truce.) Well have to sing it one more time. Then
well find out the winners. (To the audience.) Right?
The song is sung once more with the audience. At the end of the song, the
Cook returns to the cauldron, the Cheshire cat curls up on hearths, and Alice
nurses the baby.

ALICE:

(To the baby.) I know! Shhh! Should! It was a very loud song, wasnt it?
(The baby grunts.) Dont grunt; thats not at all proper way of expressing
yourself. Perhaps it was only sobbing. (She looks at the babys face.) Its
not sobbing... its grunting... just like a pig. (She stares at the baby who
continues to grunt.) It is a pig! (She holds the pig up for the audience to see.)
Not a baby at all, at least not any longer. On earth am I going to do with
this creature when I get it at home? Perhaps the Duchess will come back
for it. (She places the pig on the stool). There! Dont grunt! (To the
audience.) If it had grown up it would have made a dreadfully ugly child,
but it makes a rather handsome pig. Still, there are a few children I know
who might do very well as pigs! I think its time to be moving on. (She
pauses, then approaches the Cheshire Cat) Cheshire Cat, could you tell me
which way I ought to go from here?

CHESHIRE CAT:

That depends on where you want to get to, doesnt it?

ALICE:

I really dont care.... but I dont want to meet the Queen she sounds...
well... not very nice. otherwise, I really dont mind where I get to

CHESHIRE CAT:

Then it doesnt matter which way you go.

ALICE:

But I want to get somewhere.

CHESHIRE CAT:

Oh, youre sure to do that -- if you walk for long enough.

ALICE:

What sort of people live around here?

CHESHIRE CHAT: (Pointing to the left) Well, in that direction lives a Hatter, and in that
direction... (he points to the right)... lives a March Hare. It is either you
like, theyre both mad.
ALICE:

But Ive had enough of mad people.

CHESHIRE CAT:

Were all mad here. Im mad! Even youre mad!

ALICE:

How do you know Im mad?

CHESHIRE CAT:

You must be, or you wouldnt have come here. (To the audience.) And you
must be mad as well or else you wouldnt have come here either!

ALICE:

And why do you think youre mad?

23

CHESHIRE CAT:

Well, to begin with... a dogs not mad, is it?

ALICE:

No, but --

CHESHIRE CAT:

You see, a dog growls when its angry and wags its tail when its pleased.
Now I growl when Im pleased and wag my tail when Im angry.
Therefore, Im mad!

ALICE:

I call it purring, not growling.

CHESHIRE CAT:

By-the-by, whats happened to the baby? I almost forgot to ask.

ALICE:

It turned into a pig.

CHESHIRE CAT:

I thought it would. (He exits.)

ALICE:

What a strange cat! Ive never seen a cat was such an enormous grin
before. Now.... (She ponders in thought.) Which way! I seen Hatters
before. The March Hare sounds most interesting, and perhaps as this is
not March, it wont be raving mad. Anyway, perhaps the Cheshire Cat
was right about me. Perhaps Im mad. Perhaps were all mad. (To the
audience.) Even you! Now... which way?
Alice starts to exit as the lights fade.

Scene Four: The Mad Hatters Tea Party


The room is full of clocks of varying sizes and descriptions, all of which show
the time at six oclock. A grandfather clock, lying on its side, forms a table
which is laid up for tea for a large number. The Mad Hatter, the March Hare
and the Dormouse are sitting along one side of the table, squashed up
together. The Dormouse, who was asleep, is in between the other two, both of
whom have their elbows resting on him.
Alice enters. She walks over to the table and sits down elegantly in the large
chair at the head.
HATTER & MARCH HARE: (On noticing Alice.) No room! No room!
ALICE:

(Indignantly) Theres plenty of room.

MARCH HARE:

Have some wine.

ALICE:

I cant see any wine.

HATTER:

There isnt any! (He shrieks with laughter.)

24

ALICE:

Then it wasnt very civil of you to offer me some.

MARCH HARE:

It wasnt very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

ALICE:

I didnt know it was your table. Its laid out for great many more
than three.

HATTER:

Your hair wants cutting.

ALICE:

You shouldnt make personal remarks. Its very rude.

HATTER:

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

ALICE:

Oh, Im quite good at riddles. I think I should be able to guess


that.

MARCH HARE:

Do you mean that you think you can find out an answer to it?

ALICE:

Yes, I --

MARCH HARE:

Then you should say what you mean.

ALICE:

I do... at least I... at least I mean what I say -- thats the same
thing, you know.

HATTER:

No, it isnt! You might as well just say that I see what I eat is the
same as I eat what I see.

DORMOUSE:

(Sleepily.) You might as well just say that I breathe when I


sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I breathe.

HATTER:

(To the dormouse.) In my case it is the same thing. (He lets out a
shriek of laughter.) Have you guessed the riddle yet?

ALICE:

Fine. No, I give up. Whats the answer?

HATTER:

I havent the faintest idea! He shrieks with laughter again.


The Hatter and the March Hare prod the dormouse to sleepily joins in
the laughter.

HATTER:

(When the laughter has subsided.) What day of the month is it? (He
takes out his pocket watch and looks at it.)

ALICE:

(After pausing to think). The fourth.

25

HATTER:

(Sighing.) Today is wrong! (To the March Hare.) I told you butter
wouldnt suit the works.

MARCH HARE:

It was the best butter.

HATTER:

I dare say it was, but some crumbs mustve got in it as well. You
should have put it in with the bread-knife.

MARCH HARE:

(Taking the watch and dipping into his cup of tea.) It was the best
butter, you know.

ALICE:

What a funny watch! It tells you the day of the month, but it
doesnt tell you what oclock it is!

HATTER:

Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

ALICE:

Of course not.

HATTER:

And why not?

ALICE:

Because it stays the same year for such a long time, you dont need
to be reminded of it all the time.

HATTER:

Which is just the case with mine!

ALICE:

I dont understand.

HATTER:

(Impatiently.) Im not surprised you dont. Its all a matter of time,


you see... time!

ALICE:

Whats a matter of time?

HATTER:

(Putting his away his watch.) Everything is a matter of time.

ALICE:

(Bravely.) Well, I think you might do something better with the


time than wasting it sitting here making silly remarks that dont
make any sense at all, and asking riddles with no answers.

HATTER:

If you knew time as well as I do, you wouldnt talk about wasting
it; its him!

ALICE:

I dont know what you mean.

HATTER:

Of course you dont. I shouldnt think youd ever spoken to time.

ALICE:

Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.

26

HATTER:

That accounts for it! He wont stand beating. Now if you only
keep on good terms with time, and hell do almost anything you
like with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine oclock in
the morning, just time to begin lessons. Youd only have to
whisper a hint to time, and around goes the clock in a twinkling!
Half-past twelve: Time for lunch.

MARCH HARE:

(muttering to himself) I wish it was!

ALICE:

Well, that would be rather nice, I suppose, but the problem is: I
wouldnt be ready for lunch, would I?

HATTER:

Not at first, I grant you. But you could keep at it a half-past


twelve for as long as he liked.

ALICE:

Is that what you do?

HATTER:

(Mournfully shaking his head) Not I! We quarreled, Time and I,


last March! (Pointing to the March Hare and lowering his voice) on
the 13th, to be precise; just before he went mad. Now he wont do
a thing I ask. Its always six oclock.

ALICE:

Is that why there are so many tea things laid out?

HATTER:

Precisely so. Its always tea-time, and weve no time to wash


things between whiles.

ALICE:

Then you keep moving around the table, I suppose.

HATTER:

Exactly!

Song 11: Its All A Matter of Time


HATTER:

Its all a matter of time, you see.

HATTER & MARCH HARE: Its all a matter of time, you see.
HATTER:

Time for you, and time for me.

HATTER & MARCH HARE: Time for you, and time for me.
HATTER:

At six oclock its time for tea.

HATTER & MARCH HARE: At six oclock its time for tea.
HATTER:

Its all a matter of time.

ALL:

Its all a matter of time. Tick-tock goes the clock,

27

and hands race around the face.


HATTER:

60 seconds make a minute.

MARCH HARE:

60 minutes makes an hour.

DORMOUSE:

24 hours make a day.

ALL:

And that is why we always say,


Its all a matter of time, you see.
Its all a matter of time, you see.
Its all a matter of time.
Matter of time! Its all a matter of time!

HATTER:

Its all a matter of time, you know.

ALL:

Its all a matter of time, you know.

HATTER:

However fast, however slow.

ALL:

However fast, however slow.

HATTER:

From side to side and head to toe..

ALL:

From side to side and head to toe.

HATTER:

Its all a matter of time.

ALL:

Its all a matter of time.


Tick-tock goes the clock,
The hands raced around the face.

HATTER:

60 seconds make a minute.

MARCH HARE:

60 minutes make an hour.

DORMOUSE:

24 hours a day.

ALL:

And that is why we always say.


Its all a matter of time, you see.
Its all a matter of time, you see.
Its all a matter of time. Matter of time!
Its all a matter of time!

MARCH HARE:

I vote the young lady tells us a story.

ALICE:

Im afraid I dont know one.

28

HATTER:

DORMOUSE:

Then the dormouse shall. (He pours a little hot tea on the
dormouses nose). Wake up, Dormouse.
I wasnt asleep. I heard every word you were saying.

HATTER:

Then tell us a story!

ALICE:

Oh yes, please do!

HATTER:

And be quick about it, or youll be asleep again before its done.

DORMOUSE:

(quickly) Once upon a time there were three little sisters,


and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie. And they lived at the
bottom of a well.

ALICE:

What did they live on?

DORMOUSE:

(After pausing for thought) They lived on treacle.

ALICE:

(gently) They couldnt have done that, theyd have been ill.

DORMOUSE:

Oh, but they were. Very ill!

ALICE:

But why did they live at the bottom of a well?

MARCH HARE:

(to Alice) Have some more tea.

ALICE:

I havent had any yet, so I cant have more.

HATTER:

You mean you cant have less. Its very easy to have more than
nothing.

ALICE:

Nobody asked your opinion.

HATTER:

(triumphantly) Whos making the personal remarks now?

ALICE:

(Ignoring the hatter and turning to the dormouse) Why did they live
at the bottom of the well?

DORMOUSE:

It was a treacle well.

ALICE:

Theres no such thing.

HATTER & MARCH HARE:Shhh! Shhh!


DORMOUSE:

If you cant be civil, youd better finish the story yourself.

ALICE:

What did they draw?

29

The Hatter and March Hare look at Alice sharply.


DORMOUSE:

Treacle!

ALICE:

I dont think --

HATTER:

Then you shouldnt talk! (He shrieks with laughter)

ALICE:

(Standing up angrily) This is the stupidest tea-party I have ever


been to in all my life! I havent got the time to --

HATTER:

The time?

MARCH HARE:

Time to be moving round the table, I think.

DORMOUSE

Yes! I want a clean cup.


Everyone moves around the table.

HATTER:

Now, where were we, oh yes. (He taps on the table with a spoon for
silence and then stands up. The other two stand up as well. He
conducts with the spoon.)

Song 12: All A Matter of Time and Late for A Date (Reprise)
ALL:

Tick-tock goes the clock,


The hands race around the face

HATTER:

60 seconds make a minute.

MARCH HARE:

60 minutes make an hour.

DORMOUSE:

24 hours make a day.

ALL:

And that is why we always say:


Its all a matter of time, you see.
Its all a matter of time.
Matter of time!
Its all a matter of time!

ALICE:

(spoken) I think its time I left.


Alice gets up from the table and starts to exit. Suddenly the White
Rabbit rushes in.

WHITE RABBIT:

(spoken) Im late! Im so terribly late!

30

HATTER:

(spoken) Late?

HATTER:

Its all a matter of time.

HATTER, HARE & DORMOUSE: Its all a matter, its all a matter, its all a matter of time.
WHITE RABBIT:

Im late for a date!

ALL:

Hes late for a date. Hes terribly, terribly, terribly late!


Everyone Starts to Dance.
To be late for a date with anyone
Is a terrible thing to be.
So you see;
Now you know;

WHITE RABBIT:

Why I simply have to --

ALL:

Why he simply has to -Simply has to ...


The hatter approaches the White Rabbit who is still frantically rushing
about the stage.

HATTER:

Your watch.

WHITE RABBIT:

What about it?

HATTER:

(Announcing) Its not working!

WHITE RABBIT:

Not working! (He holds it up in front of his face to inspect it, taps at
twice, then sighs heavily.) Its not working.

HATTER:

Precisely! (Pointing to all the clocks in the room) Its six oclock!

WHITE RABBIT:

(Brightly) Six oclock?

HATTER:

Precisely!

WHITE RABBIT:

(Looking around.) Youre right! It is six oclock. My appointment


isnt until half past six!

MARCH HARE:

Youll stay for tea, then?

WHITE RABBIT:

Thank you!

31

The white rabbit rushes to the table and picks up a cup and saucer.
After a few moments, Alice speaks.
But its always six oclock here.

ALICE:

There is a sudden silence. After a moment the Hatter speaks.


HATTER:

I thought you were leaving.

ALICE:

(Calmly.) Your watch isnt working either. He said so earlier.


None of the clocks in this room are working.

HATTER:

I beg your pardon?

ALICE:

All the clocks in this room have said six oclock since 12 March.

MARCH HARE:

The 13th actually.

ALICE:

(Wearily.) The 13th then.

WHITE RABBIT:

(In a panic.) Then Im late!

HATTER:

Now look what youve done.

WHITE RABBIT:

(Frantically.) Im 271 days late.

HATTER AND MARCH HARE: (To Alice.) This is all your fault.
ALICE:

Im sorry, I didnt think --

HATTER:

You never do!

Song 13: All a Matter of Time and Late for a Date (2nd Reprise)
White Rabbit:

Im late for a date.

All:

Hes late for a date. Hes terribly, terribly, terribly late.


Everyone starts to dance again.

All:

To be late for a date with anyone is a terrible thing to be.


So you see; now you know;

WHITE RABBIT:

Why I simply have to go.

ALL:

So you see;
Now you know;

32

WHITE RABBIT:

Why I simply have to --

ALL:

Why he simply has to -simply has to...

WHITE RABBIT:

I simply have to go.

(spoken to the audience)


Cheerio! See you all later!

ACT TWO:
Scene One: The Palace Garden
A large rose bush stands centre stage. Three gardeners, all dressed as playing
cards, are busy painting the white roses red. They keep getting in each others
way, and there is much splashing of paint and flicking up brushes.
TWO:

Look out now, five. Dont go splashing paint over me like that.

FIVE:

I couldnt help but. Seven bumped my elbow.

SEVEN:

Thats right, five! Always lay the blame on others.

FIVE:

Youd better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserve
to be beheaded.

TWO:

For what?

SEVEN:

Thats none of your business,Two!

FIVE:

Yes, it is his business! And Ill tell him: It was for bringing the cook
turnip roots instead of onions.
Alice enters.

SEVEN:

(Flinging down his paintbrush) Well, of all the unjust things! (He sees
Alice and nudges the other two)

TWO:

Oh my!

SEVEN:

Such a pretty girl!

FIVE:

An honour!

33

The three gardeners bow clumsily. Alice looks embarrassed, but is


nevertheless flattered by their attention.
ALICE:

(Walking up to the rosebush.) Would you mind telling me --?

SEVEN:

Certainly my dear.

FIVE:

Wed be delighted.

TWO:

Tell you what?

ALICE:

Why youre --

GARDENERS:

Yes?

ALICE:

Why youre painting these roses?

FIVE:

Well -

TWO:

You see -

SEVEN:

Its like this:

Song 14: Painting the Roses


GARDENERS:

Were painting the roses red, my dear;


They were white before.
And once weve painted them red, my dear,
They wont be white no more.

SEVEN:

We painted them white,

FIVE:

Wich wasnt right;

TWO:

Her Majesty said:

SEVEN:

They must be red!

FIVE:

So thats the reason why, my dear,

GARDENERS:

Were painting the roses red, red, red, red


Were painting the roses red.

TWO:

Were slapping the paint like this, my dear,

FIVE:
SEVEN:

Slip!
Slap!

34

Slop!

TWO:
FIVE:

Splish-splashing it on, my dear,

SEVEN:

Or else we get the chop!

TWO:

It would didnt do

SEVEN:

To paint them blue it;

FIVE:

They must be read

GARDENERS:

Or else were dead.


So thats the reason why my dear,
Were painting the roses red, red, red, red.
Were painting the roses red.
Were painting the roses red, my dear;
They were white before
And once weve painted them read, my dear,
They wont be white no more.
We planted them white
Which wasnt right,
Her Majesty said:
They must to be read!
So thats the reason why, my dear,
Were painting the roses red, red, red, red,
Were painting the roses,

SEVEN:

Painting the roses,

FIVE:

Paint,

TWO:

Paint,

SEVEN:

Painting the roses;

FIVE:

Slip,

TWO:
SEVEN:

Slap,
Slopping it on;

GARDENERS:

Painting the roses red!

FIVE:

The Queen! The Queen!

35

ALICE:

Oh no! ! Not the Queen! (She looks around for somewhere to hide, but in the
end she just lies down on the floor with her hands over her head.)
The Gardeners fall flat on their faces as well. The Queen enters followed by
the King, the Knave, and the White Rabbit. An additional procession of
playing cards and soldiers could be incorporated here for those wishing to
include a larger cast.

THE QUEEN:

(Pointing at Alice and addressing the Knave.) Who is this? (The Knave
nods and smiles.)
(Cuffing the Knave.) Idiot! (To Alice) What is your name, child?

ALICE:

(Standing up and trembling) My name is Alice. (She curtsies and adds:) So


please your Majesty.

THE QUEEN:

(Pointing to the gardeners in addressing Alice) And who are these?

ALICE:

(to the audience) There is only one way to deal with someone like this. Ill
just have to stand up to her! (To the Queen) How should I know? Its no
business of mine.

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!

ALICE:

Nonsense!

THE QUEEN:

What did you say?

ALICE:

(firmly) I said, Nonsense!

THE QUEEN:

Do you know to whom you are speaking?

ALICE:

The Queen of Hearts?

THE QUEEN:

Indeed!

ALICE:

So?

THE QUEEN:

(Bellowing) So?

Song 15: Off With Her Head


THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!


I am the queen of hearts, you see.
Off with her head!
Nobody fools with me.

36

Off with her head!


THE KING:

She is the Queen of Hearts, you see.

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!


Nobody fools with me.
A Queen may wear crowns
Because she has the right,
To demand to have the head removed
From whom it so ever she likes.

KING:

From whom so ever she likes.

THE QUEEN:

So, off with her head!


I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.
Off with her head!
Nobody fools with me!
Off with her head

KING:

She is the Queen of Hearts, you see.

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!


nobody fools with me!
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody fools with me!

THE KING:

(Approaching the Queen cautiously) Consider my dear; Shes only a


child!

THE QUEEN:

And I am a queen. Off with her head! (She turns away and walks over to
the gardeners.)

ALICE:

(To the audience.) Theyre only a pack of cards. Nothing to be afraid of.

THE QUEEN:

(Turning to Alice) What did you say?

ALICE:

Nothing, your Majesty.

THE QUEEN:

(Pointing to the gardeners and addressing the Knave.) Turn them over!
The knave turns the gardeners over with his foot.

THE QUEEN:

(To the gardeners) Get up!


The gardeners get up

37

(Pointing to the rose bush). What have you been doing here?

SEVEN:

May it please your, Majesty...

FIVE:

We were trying...

TWO:

Yes, trying...

Song 16: Off With Their Heads (Reprise)


THE QUEEN:

Off with their heads!

ALICE:

No!

THE QUEEN:


I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.


Off with their heads.

ALICE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

Nobody fools with me!


Off with their heads!

ALICE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

Nobody fools with me!


Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody fools with me!

ALICE:

(To the audience) I dont like her one bit. All this off with your head
nonsense. What right has she got to have people beheaded? Huh? Just
because she is the queen of hearts. If she starts that do good song again
you must help me out will you do that? Will all shout note to gather
perhaps thatll put her off. Now, you will remember, wont you? Good.
(She approaches the gardeners.) Its all right; you shant be beheaded.
(She stands them behind the rosebush so that their heads are out of sight.)

THE QUEEN:

Are their heads off yet?

ALICE:

Yes, their heads are gone.


The Queen comes around to inspect the Gardeners. She seems doubtful.

THE QUEEN:

Mmmmm.... I suppose their heads must have gone. I cant see them.

ALICE:

They are completely gone.

THE QUEEN:

Are you sure?

GARDENERS:

(From behind the bush) Yes.

38

THE QUEEN:

Quite sure?

GARDENERS:

(Poking their heads through the bush.) Quite sure!

THE QUEEN:

Thats all right then. (She stops suddenly, realising.) Off with their heads!

Song 17: Off With Their Heads! (Reprise)


THE QUEEN:

Off with their heads!

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.


Off with their heads!

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

Nobody fools with me!


(The Queen stops, tries to clear her ear by putting a finger in and
wiggling it about.)
(speaks) I seem to be hearing strange noises. I cant think where
they might be coming from. Oh well!
(Resuming the song.) Off with their heads!

ALICE & AUDIENCE:


THE QUEEN

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!
I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.
Off with their heads!
No!
The Queen stopped singing. She now realizes that it is the audience
who are shouting now, and that all the characters on the stage are
encouraging them.

THE QUEEN:

(Speaking to the audience.) So, its you lot, is it? Right! Ill soon fix
that! (She resumes the song)
Off with your heads!

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.


Off with your heads!

39

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

Nobody fools with me.


Off with your heads!

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

I am the Queen of Hearts, you see.


Off with your heads.

ALICE & AUDIENCE:

No!

THE QUEEN:

Nobody fools with me.


Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody fools with me!

THE QUEEN:

Ive never liked nasty little girls and boys. I shall ignore you. (She
walks away.)

ALICE:

(To the audience.) That sorted her out!

THE QUEEN:

(To Alice) Can you play croquet?

ALICE:

Yes!

THE QUEEN:

Bellowing. to your places!

Gardeners Five and Seven exit. Gardener Two goes to the fronts the stage and bends over so that
his back is arched and his hands and feature on the floor. He is the croquet hoop. Gardeners Five
and Seven present the Queen and Alice with a mallet and a ball each before leaving the stage. The
mallets are flamingos and the balls are hedgehogs. The White Rabbit gives a blast on his trumpet.
(Announcing) Let the game commence.

WHITE RABBIT:
THE QUEEN:

(To Alice.) You may go first, my dear.


Alice strikes the ball, but Gardener Two moves out of the way, and the
ball misses the hoop.

THE QUEEN:

Missed! (to Alice) You may have another go, my dear.


Alice is about to say something to the Queen, but thinks better of it.
She has another go, but exactly the same thing happens.

Missed again! My turn! (She pushes Alice out of the way. Her ball
starts off on the wrong line, but this time Gardener Two moves so that
the ball goes through the hoop. Ive won! Ive won!

40

Song 18: Off With Her Head! Reprise


THE QUEEN:

A clean will win the game


Because she has the right
To move the troops around the fields
To wheresoever she likes.

KING:

To where so ever she likes.

The Queen, the King, the Knave and Gardener Two start to exit as the
music continues. Alice is left with the White Rabbit.

Well, really! Does she always cheat?

WHITE RABBIT:

Always.

ALICE:

Why doesnt anyone complain

WHITE RABBIT:

Shed have them beheaded.

ALICE:

Yes, I suppose she would.

WHITE RABBIT:

And that would be the end of that!

ALICE:

So...what do you have for me next?

WHITE RABBIT:

Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?

ALICE:

I dont even know what a Mock Turtle is.

WHITE RABBIT:

Its the thing Mock Turtle soup is made from.

ALICE:

I never saw one or heard of one. Where does he live?

WHITE RABBIT:

At the seaside of course, with his friend, The Gryphon.

ALICE:

But I dont know the way to the seaside.

WHITE RABBIT:

(Incredulously) Dont know the way to the seaside! Everyone


knows the way to the seaside. Its downhill!

ALICE:

Downhill.

WHITE RABBIT:

Downhill... all the way... until you get there. (He exits.)

ALICE:

(repeating the instructions.) Downhill all the way until you get
there! Well, I suppose it must be, but (She looks around)... Its all

ALICE:

41

rather flat here... But, I suppose... (She pauses trying to work out
which way is downhill)... I suppose it must be... this way.

Alice exits. The lights fade.

Scene Two: Tweedledum and Tweedledee


The stage is bare except for an enormous signpost with a very think
post, similar to a tree-trunk. One direction points to stage left and
reads Uphill and the other one points to stage right and reads
Downhill. The Uphill sign is angled slightly down, and the
Downhill sign is angled slightly up.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee, to overgrown identical schoolboys are
hiding behind a signpost.
Alice enters from stage right. She is out of breath from having walked for
such a long way.

ALICE:

It cant be much farther to the beach. (She sees the signposts) Ah,
at last! A signpost! (She takes a closer look.) Now, let me see:
Downhill, but thats where I just came from!...and anyway, its
pointing up. (She turns to look at the other side.) Uphill! (wearily) ...and
pointing down, of course. Really, this is quite ridiculous!

TWEEDLEDUM:

(Stepping out from behind the signpost.) On the contrary!

ALICE:

Alarmed. oh! I didnt see you. (Recovering her composure.)


Perhaps you could help me. I want to go.... downhill.

TWEEDLEDUM:

All the way?

ALICE:

Yes, all the way.

Tweedledum smiles and points to the signpost above his head.

Yes, I know; but Ive just come from there and anyway, its pointing up.

Tweedledum takes a pace back and looks amazed.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Is it?

ALICE:

(Firmly) Yes!

TWEEDLEDUM:

(Faltering.) Perhaps thats because... because the ground is sloping.

ALICE:

(Becoming more confused.) Well, I supposed it would be sloping... but...


downhill.

42

TWEEDLEDUM

(Inspecting the ground) It seems rather flat to me.

ALICE:

Its all very flat here.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Very flat, indeed.

ALICE:

So why does the signpost say Downhill?

TWEEDLEDUM:

(Leaning towards Alice and speaking conspiratorially.) Perhaps the


signpost is crooked.

ALICE:

Now thats far more likely to be the case.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Easily remedied! (He reaches up and pulls the signpost so that the
Downhillsign is now pointing down. He smiles at Alice.) Happy now?

ALICE:

Not quite.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Oh?

ALICE:

Because that signpost is also pointing down.

TWEEDLEDUM:

So?

ALICE:

(Sharply) But it reads Uphill.


Tweedledee springs out from the other side of the signpost.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Easily remedied! (He reaches up and pushes the signpost so that it now
points up.) Happy now?

ALICE:

Happier, but a little confused:

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: (In mock surprise) Confused?


ALICE:

She sighs, then clears her throat. I was on my way to the beach.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Then youll be wanting to go up.

ALICE:

Up? Dont be ridiculous!

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Ridiculous?


ALICE:

Yes, ridiculous! You go down to the beach.

TWEEDLEDUM:

On the contrary!

TWEEDLEDEE:

You go up!

43

(Becoming agitated) You cant go up...because...because...

ALICE

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE:

Because?

ALICE:

Because the beach is... down... yes, down, by the sea, which is lower than
the ground.

TWEEDLEDUM:

And you mean underground?

ALICE:

No, its not underground. (She searches for a way to express things.) The
sea is...well...the lowest thing...uncertain of herself now...isnt it?
Silence

TWEEDLEDEE:

Did you get up this morning?

ALICE:

Yes, of course I did.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Or did you get down?

ALICE:

(Trying to remain composed.) Everyone gets up in the morning.

TWEEDLEDEE:

On the contrary: I got down. Down from my bed, which is higher than the
ground. Reinforces his points with grand gestures.

ALICE:

Oh, dont be silly. Nobody gets down in the morning. (She pauses.) You
get down from the table though.

TWEEDLEDUM:

We get up!

TWEEDLEDEE:

From the table. (He squats in a sitting position.)


Tweedledum he adopts a squatting position as well. When were finished
our meal.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Like this. (They both straighten up.)

ALICE:

Youre both very silly!

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Very silly!


ALICE:

Yes (she starts to laugh.) But you make me laugh! Who are you, anyway?
You look like two overgrown schoolboys.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Thats because we are -

TWEEDLEDEE:

Two overgrown schoolboys.

44

TWEEDLEDUM:

Im Tweedledum.

TWEEDLEDEE:

And Im Tweedledee.

ALICE:

Ill never be able to tell you apart.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Thats because we look the same.

ALICE:

I realised that.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Peas in a pod!

TWEEDLEDUM:

Birds of a feather!

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: (Smiling at each other sweetly.) Stick together!


ALICE:

But how do I know whos who?

TWEEDLEDEE:

Hes Tweedledum!

TWEEDLEDUM:

And hes Tweedledee!

TWEEDLEDEE:

Im Tweedledee!

TWEEDLEDUM:

And Im Tweedledum!

ALICE:

(Pointing Tweedledum and Tweedledee!) Ill never remember.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Youre in good company.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Nobody can tell us apart.

Song 18: Tweedledum and Tweedledee


TWEEDLEDUM:

Tweedledum

TWEEDLEDEE:

And Tweedledee;

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: People tend to mix us up, as he is... a bit like me.
TWEEDLEDUM:

A bit like me.

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Hes a bit like me.


We seem to find all the time
Just because hes my twin;
TWEEDLEDUM:

That nobody knows him from me,

45

TWEEDLEDEE:

Or even from him!

TWEEDLEDUM:

Tweedledum

TWEEDLEDEE:

and Tweedledee;

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: People tend to mix us up


As he is... a bit like me.
TWEEDLEDUM: A bit like me
TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Hes a bit like me
We think its very funny;
We always get a news
Because no one knows the difference
Everyones confused!
TWEEDLEDUM:
TWEEDLEDEE:

Tweedledum
and Tweedledee;

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: People tend to mix us up.


As he is... a bit like me.
TWEEDLEDUM:

A bit like me.

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE:

He is a bit like me.

(There is a short instrumental break as Tweedledum and Tweedledee dance.)


TWEEDLEDUM:

Tweedledum

TWEEDLEDEE:

and Tweedledee;

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: People get in such a fuss


Because he is a bit -TWEEDLEDUM:

Yes, he is a bit

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Were both a bit like us!


TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE:
People get in such a fuss,
Were both a bit...
In fact were not;
We happen to be an awful lot;

46

Were both...
Were both...
Were both... a lot like us.
Were both a lot like us!
ALICE:

Well, Im glad youve sorted that out for me.

TWEEDLEDUM:

A pleasure!

TWEEDLEDEE:

At your service!

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: Any time


Tweedledum

(Looking over his shoulder and then speaking quietly to Alice) You havent
told us yet.

ALICE:

Told you what?

TWEEDLEDUM:

Why you...

TWEEDLEDEE:

Wanted to...

TWEEDLEDUM:

Go...downhill!

TWEEDLEDEE:

To the beach.

ALICE:

(In a matter of fact way.) The White rabbit suggested that I might like to
meet the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Did he now?

TWEEDLEDEE:

(pointing) The beach is that way.

ALICE:

(Looking up at the sign) But that points up.

TWEEDLEDUM:

The signpost is wrong.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Its been wrong for years.

TWEEDLEDUM:

Never trust a signpost.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Thats what our mum told us.

TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE: (solemnly.) Never trust a signpost.


ALICE:

(Sighing.) Now you tell me.

47

TWEEDLEDEE:

(Pointing again.) The beach is that way.

ALICE:

I hope youre telling the truth.

TWEEDLEDUM:

We never lie.

TWEEDLEDEE:

Our mum told us never to lie.

ALICE:

Im very glad to hear it. Well... thank you both for.... for an
entertaining time.
Alice begins to exit. Tweedledum and Tweedledee start to hide behind
signposts.
What are you up to now?

TWEEDLEDUM:

(Poking his outfit to head out from behind the signposts) Were waiting for
the next person to come along.

TWEEDLEDEE:

(Poking his head out.) To have a bit more fun!

ALICE:

Really! (She puts her head in the air and starts to walk off again.) How
very childish!
Alice exits to the sound of Tweedledum in Tweedledee giggling.
The lights fade.

Scene Three: At the Seaside


There are three brightly colored deck chairs on the stage. The Mock Turtle
and the Gryphon are sitting on the two, at the ends. The centre one is empty.
A sand pit is situated further upstage.
Enter Alice. She has arrived at last. Slightly wearily, but nevertheless happy,
she stands for a moment to admire the view and breathe the fresh air. She then
turns to the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon.
ALICE:

Approaching the Gryphon in the Mock Turtle. Excuse me, but --

GRYPHON:

Sit down!

ALICE:

Oh! (She sits in the empty chair.) You must be -

GRYPHON:

- the Gryphon

ALICE:

Nice to meet you. (Turning to the Mock Turtle) Which means you must be
the Mock Turtle.

48

MOCK TURTLE:

(Sadly) I am!

ALICE:

The White Rabbit said youd tell me your life-story.

GRYPHON:

Dont speak a word until hes finished.

ALICE:

Oh, I wont.
Silence
(To the audience) I dont see how he can ever finish, if he doesnt begin.

MOCK TURTLE:

Once... a very long time ago... I was a real turtle. (He starts to cry)
Silence

ALICE:

Is that it? Its not much of a life story!

GRYPHON:

Shh!

MOCK TURTLE:

(Continuing) When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The


teacher was an old turtle, but we used to call him Tortoise.

ALICE:

Why did you call him Tortoise if he was a turtle?

MOCK TURTLE:

Because he taught us!

ALICE:

Thats a terrible joke!

GRYPHON:

It wasnt supposed to be a joke

ALICE:

Well, in that case, what did he teach you?

MOCK TURTLE:

Reeling and Writhing, of course, and Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction,


Uglification and Derision.

ALICE:

That sounds an awful lot! Of how many hours a day did you do lessons?

MOCK TURTLE:

10 hours the first day, 9 in the next, and so on...

ALICE:

What a funny timetable!

GRYPHON:

Thats the reason theyre called lessons: Because they lesson from day to
day.

ALICE:

Thats another terrible joke!

49

GRYPHON:

Theyre not jokes! The Mock Turtle never tells jokes.

ALICE:

Then the 11th day mustve been a holiday?

MOCK TURTLE:

Of course it was, and we went to the seaside. (He starts to cry.) And weve
been there ever since.

ALICE:

But why are you crying? Id love to go to the seaside for ever and ever
and never have to go back to school. (To the audience) Wouldnt you?

MOCK TURTLE:

But its not the same as it used to be. Shhh! Can you hear the waves
breaking on the shore?

ALICE:

(Listening) No!

MOCK TURTLE:

(Crying again) or the seagulls... or those lovely seaside splish-splash


sounds?

ALICE:

No!

MOCK TURTLE:

Its not the same as it used to be!

ALICE:

(Turning to the Gryphon) Oh Dear! Cant we do anything to cheer him


up?

GRYPHON:

Im afraid not! Hes been like this for the last 70 years.

ALICE:

70 years?

GRYPHON:

You could ask them to sing, though. He loves singing.

ALICE:

Do you think he would?

GRYPHON:

Unlikely! But theres no harm in asking, is there?

ALICE:

Please, Mock Turtle, could you sing me a song?

MOCK TURTLE:

(Sniffing) It wouldnt be the same as it used to be.

ALICE:

I dont mind how it used to be; I just like to hear.

MOCK TURTLE:

Oh, very well. (He stands up and starts to sing very slowly and sorrowfully.)

Song 20: The Lobster Quadrille


MOCK TURTLE:
Its wonderfabulotious at the seaside,
With mknotted handkerchief upon mhead.

50

With mstick of Brighton rock


And mloverly candy-floss,
There is nowhere I would rather be instead.
I like to hear the little children playing
And to hear the gentle lapping of the tide:
But the thing that I adore
Is to dance along the shore
With a lobster, yes a lobster, by mside.
By the end of the song, the Mock Turtle is in floods of tears
ALICE:

(Trying to comfort the Mock Turtle) There, there. (She looks up and sees
white rabbit at the back of the auditorium.) Oh, look! Its the White rabbit!
(Calling) White Rabbit!

WHITE RABBIT:

(Calling back) Hello!

ALICE:

Oh, White rabbit, I am glad to see you! The Mock Turtle is in such a
state!

WHITE RABBIT:

I thought he would be. (Hes holding a huge stuffed lobster.) Thisll do the
trick.

ALICE:

Oh, I do hope so. I dont think I can stand much more of his crying!

WHITE RABBIT:

(Reaching the stage and handing the lobster to the Mock Turtle.) Now, what
we need are some sand castles. (To the audience.) Whos going to help me
build some sand castles. (He picks to children from the audience.) Come
along then. Well have a competition to see who can build the best one.
(He busies himself with the competitors upstage in the sand-pit.)

GRYPHON:

(To the audience) And Ive got a job for the rest of you. Youve got to help
as well. We need some sound effects. (To one section of the audience) Now,
I want you to make the sound of waves crashing against us sure. Like
this: Shhh, shhh! can you do that? (He continues to imitate the sound as
the audience join in) And you -- (To another section of the audience) You are
the seagulls. Now you know the sound singles make? Of course you do!
Like this: coor, cooor! thats terrific ! (To the first section) Not you lot !
Youre the waves! (To the third section) And hes got to have those lovely
splashy-splashy sounds! I thought youd like that! Here we go then:
splish-splash; splish-splash! I knew youd be good at it! Now lets have
your sound effects altogether. (The audience all make their particular sound
effects.) Wonderfabulotious! (To the Mock Turtle.) Do you fancy getting
the song one more try, eh?

MOCK TURTLE:

Well...I...I dont know...I...

51

GRYPHON:

(Getting the audience to encourage him.) Oh, come on, it now! Give it a go.
What do you say?

MOCK TURTLE:

(Finally) Oh, very well then!

GRYPHON:

(To the audience) Are you all ready with your sound effects? Then here we
go:
This time the song is sung with great vigor and a positive upbeat tempo.

Song 21: The Lobster Quadrille (Reprise)


MOCK TURTKLE: Its wonderfabulotious at the seaside,
With mlittle plastic bucket and mspade.
I really love to go
To the Punch and Judy show,
I could sit and watch for hours in the shade.
I like to go -- swimming in the watcher,
And its simply grand to have a donkey-ride:
But the thing that I adore
Is to dance along the shore
With a lobster, yes a lobster by mside.
ALL:

Its wonderfabulotious at the seaside,


With mknotted handkerchief upon mhead.
With mstick of Brighton rock
And mloverly candy-floss,
There is nowhere I would rather be instead,
I like to hear the little children playing,
And to hear the gentle lapping of the tide:
But the thing that I adore
Is to dance along the shore
With a lobster, yes a lobster by mside.
I dont mean crayfish!
A lobster, yes a lobster by mside!

WHITE RABBIT:

(Leading the applause) Wonderfabulotious! Thats what I say. Now


before we judge the sand castle competition, we need some jokes.

MOCK TURTLE:

Jokes? Oh, I dont know about that.

WHITE RABBIT:

Good old seaside jokes. Thats what we need. (To the audience) You know
some jokes? Come on. Up you come. Lets really make the Mock Turtles
day with some jokes.

52

The White Rabbit picks three children From the audience to tell a joke each
in turn. At the end of the jokes he gives the children a sweet each and turns
to the Mock Turtle.
Now whos going to judge the sandcastle competition?
MOCK TURTLE:

Ooooo, Id love to. May I?


The Mock Turtle judges the competition, encouraging as many as possible,
and using the audience as a clapometre. The children who have been
competitors are given prizes and return to their seats. Suddenly there is a
loud voice from offstage.

VOICE:

The trial will begin in two minutes. The trial will begin in two minutes.

ALICE:

Trial? What trial? Whose trial?

GRYPHON:

(Lugging Alice off the stage) Come on, or well be late.


The white rabbit charges about in a hurry and eventually disappears
off-stage, leaving the Mock Turtle on his own.

MOCK TURTLE:

(Starting to cry again) Wait for me! Wait for me!


Eventually the Mock Turtle runs off the stage. The lights fade.

Scene Four: The Trial


The courtroom. The King and Queen of Hearts are seated on thrones. The
Knave of Hearts is standing before them in chains. The White rabbit, with a
parchment scroll in one hand and a trumpet in the other, is standing to stage
left. In the midst of the courtroom is a table with a large dish of tarts on it.
Additional jurors can be used for those wishing to incorporate a larger cast.

The Gryphon and Alice enter. They are out of breath from running.

KING:

Youre late! Very late!

ALICE:

Were sorry. We didnt realize. We --

KING:

Dont ever be late again.

THE QUEEN:

Or Ill have you executed.

GRYPHON:

We wont be late again!

KING:

Sit down, jurors.

53

ALICE:

(To the Gryphon.) Does he mean us? Are we the jurors?

GRYPHON:

I suppose we must be.


Alice and Gryphon sit down.
(To the White Rabbit) Herald, read the accusation.

KING:

The White Rabbit blows his trumpet three times, unrolls the scroll and reads:
WHITE RABBIT:

The Queen of Hearts, she made and tarts,


All on a summer day.
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them clean away.

KING:

Right! Thats pretty clear-cut! So there we have it!

Song 22: Consider Your Verdict!


King:

Consider your verdict!

THE QUEEN:

He looks a rogue to me.

KING:

Consider your verdict.

THE QUEEN:

Its as plain as plain can be.

THE KING:

Shout it loud and clear


So that everyone can hear.
Consider your verdict.

KING & QUEEN:

Guilty!

KING:

Thats settled then!

THE QUEEN:

Off with his head!

ALICE:

(Standing up) I didnt say guilty. The jurors are not unanimous in their
decision, and anyway, you cant possibly sentence him yet. Id like to
hear some evidence; then erll decide whether hes innocent or guilty.
Perhaps you should call some witnesses.

KING:

WHITE RABBIT:

(Sighing) Oh, very well. (To the White Rabbit) Call the first witness.
(He gives three blasts on the trumpet) The first witness!
Enter the Mad Hatter, who appears to be in a great here he hurry. He has a
cup and saucer in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.

54

HATTER:

I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in: but, you see, I
have finished my tea when I was sent for.

KING:

You ought to have finished. When did you begin?

HATTER:

13th of March, I think it was.

KING:

To the jurors. Write that down. (To the Hatter) Take off your hat.

HATTER:

(Nervously) It isnt mine.

KING:

Stolen! (To the jurors) Write that down.

HATTER:

(Kneeling down) I keep them to sell. Ive none of my own. Im a hatter,


and the very poor man.

KING:

Youre a very poor speaker. Now dont be nervous or Ill have to have
you executed on the spot.

THE QUEEN:

Off with his head!

KING:

(To the Hatter) You may stand down.

HATTER:

(Who is groveling on the floor) I cant get any lower!

KING:

And you may sit down.

HATTER:

Thank you (He goes to join Alice and The Gryphon)

KING:

(Looking directly at Alice) Right! That seems pretty cut and dried to meet!
There we have it!

Song 23: Your Verdict (Reprise)


KING:

Consider your verdict!

THE QUEEN:

He looks a rogue to me.

KING:

Consider your verdict.

QUEEN:

Its as plain as plain can be.

KING:

Say it loud and clear


So that everyone can hear.
Consider your verdict.

KING & QUEEN:

Guilty!

55

ALICE:

This is the most unfair trial I have ever seen.

KING:

Really? And how many trials have you seen!

ALICE:

Well, I...

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!

THE KING:

Call the next witness.

WHITE RABBIT:

(He gives three more blasts on his trumpet.) The next witness.
The Duchess enters.

KING:

(To the Duchess) Give your evidence.

DUCHESS:

Shant!

WHITE RABBIT:

Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.

KING:

(Sighing) Well, if I must, I must. What are tarts made of?

DUCHESS:

Pepper, mostly.

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!


Meanwhile Alice has started eating one of the tarts.

ALICE:

Theyre not made of pepper, you know. Theyre delicious! She starts to
hand them out to the audience.

KING:

I say; excuse me, young lady. May we have one?

ALICE:

Yes, of course.

KING:

(Eating a tart) Mmmmm, They are rather good, arent they?

THE QUEEN:

Thats because I made them.

KING:

Of course, dear.
Everyone gathers round the plates of tarts.

WHITE RABBIT:

(Suddenly giving three more blasts on his trumpet) The next witness.

KING:

Oh, must we? This is very tedious, you know.

56

The white rabbit looked sternly at the King. The Duchess joins the jurors.
Well, very well. Who is the next witness?
WHITE RABBIT:

(Reading from a scroll) Alice!

ALICE:

Me? But Im one of the jurors. I cant possibly be a witness as well.

KING:

If you dont give evidence, youll be beheaded.

THE QUEEN:

Off with her head!

KING:

(To Alice) Now, what do you know of this business?

ALICE:

Nothing!

KING:

Nothing whatsoever?

ALICE:

Nothing whatsoever!

KING:

(To the jurors) Thats very important. Write that down.

WHITE RABBIT:

(To the jurors) He means unimportant.

KING:

Unimportant, of course. (To himself). Important... unimportant...


importance... unimportant. He shrugged his shoulders. Right! Well, there
we have it!

Song 24: Consider Your Verdict (Reprise)


KING:

Consider your verdict!

THE QUEEN:

She looks of a rogue to me.

KING:

Consider your verdict

THE QUEEN:

Its as plain as plain can be.

KING:

Shout it loud and clear


So that everyone can hear.
Consider your verdict.

ALL:

Guilty!

KING:

Consider your verdict!

THE QUEEN:

She looks the rogues to me.

57

KING:

Consider your verdict.

THE QUEEN:

Its as plain as plain can be.

KING:

Shout it loud and clear


So that everyone can hear.
Consider your verdict.

ALL:

Guilty!

ALICE:

(Standing up) Im not scared of you! Youre nothing but a pack of cards.
Loose cards flutter down from the grid. Everything appears to go into slow
motion for a moment, and then all the characters appear to drift off into a
trance of sleep.
(Looking around.) How very strange! They are all asleep. (Going up to the
White rabbit and shaking him) Wake up, White rabbit! Wake up, Duchess!
Perhaps its me whos asleep. (She pitches herself) Ouch! Now, Im wide
awake.
Suddenly the White rabbit wakes up.

WHITE RABBIT:

Oh, my whiskers and fur! Im so late! Oh dear, oh dear!


He looks at his pocket watch and rushes madly off stage.

ALICE:

Thats all I did! (To the audience) Thats exactly where all this started. I
was just sitting on the bank when... it is all coming back to me now. And
all the... these strange and wonderful creatures in this... strange and
wonderful land just appeared from nowhere. I didnt have to do
anything. It all just happens... right here.

Song 25: Wonderland


ALICE:

Its not 1,000,000 miles away;


In fact its close at hand.
All you do is close your eyes
And youre in Wonderland.
All the characters wake up to join in the rest of the song.

ENSEMBLE:

Its not 1,000,000 miles away;


In fact its close at hand.
All you do is close your eyes.
And youre in Wonderland.
It wont work if you think too hard;

58

Its no good if its planned.


All you do is close your eyes
And youre in Wonderland.
While the world is sleeping
You can travel far;
Right upon a summer dream,
Or wish upon a Star.
Its not 1,000,000 miles away;
In fact its close at hand.
All you do is close your eyes
And youre in Wonderland.
ALICE:

All you do is close your eyes and...

ENSEMBLE:

Youre... in... Wonderland.