Dame1

PaigeDame
MsGardner
English10Honors
27January2016
WhatifImaZebra?
Itsthreeinthemorning,andIhavetwohourstillmyalarmclockgoesoff.I'vestaredat
thesamespotonmyceilingforhoursandmyheadisthrobbing.Icanfeelthetightnessofthe
driedtearsonmycheeks.Ilaytheremotionless.IfeelasiftheworldhassloweddownsoIcan
dwellonmyevergrowingpainandImscaredasIsaytomyselfinaquietwhisper,Whatif
Imazebra?
IrememberthefirsttimeIwenttothechiropractor.IwaseightyearsoldandDrOsgood,
myfirstchiropractor,wasconvincedthatthepainwasjustbecauseofmygrowingbody.Iwas
terrifiedthefirsttimeheadjustedmyneckandIthoughtthatIwasgoingtodiebecauseallI
couldthinkaboutwasgettingmyneckbrokenlikeinthatJamesBondmoviethatIprobably
shouldhavenotofseen.AfterhehadadjustedmeDr.Osgoodsaid,Dontworryyourneckand
tensionheadacheonlyhurtsbecauseofonesmallbone.Itscalledyouratlas.FromthatdayonI
hadaneverdeephatredforonesmallboneonesmallbonethatmadesittingatadeskadaunting
task,onesmallbonethatcausedmetohideawayinthedark,andonesmallboneendedmy
childhoodbymakingDisneylandandSixFlagsanightmarebecauseoftherollorcoasters,the
screamingchildren,thehotsunbeatingdowninmyeyes,thewhiplashoftherides,andthe
headachethatimmediatelyfollowed.Idesperatelywishedthispainofathousandelephants
stampedingonmybrainwouldgoaway,butitdidn't.

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Theeighthgradecameandalmosteveryonesuddenlyhadbracesandbreasts,butIhada
mechanicalhookinmymouthtocorrectmyoverbiteandanewchiropractor,Dr.Adams.Ihad
suchseverepainthatmymomdrovemetothenewchiropractorinSonoma,twiceaweek
duringmyelectivesandlunchbreaksbecauseIcouldn'tbearthepainthroughouttheday.My
firstvisittoDr.AdamswasonaFridaynightandIsatthereforthreeandahalfhours.During
thosethethreeandahalfhourshetookxraysofmybackandneck,buttheworstwasyetto
come,thedroptableofdoomasIliketocallit.AsIlaydownonthechiropractictableIfelt
muchmoreconfidentthanIdidonfirstadjustment,butIwasalittletoococky.OnceDrAdams
adjustedmyneckthepainseizedandoverwhelmedme.Iremembertryingtoholdbackthetears,
butIcouldn't.MyneckhadbeenoutoflineforalmostaslongasIcouldremember,butthepain
fromthedroptableofdoomwasn'tbecauseithurtme.Itwasshellshock,becauseIhadbeen
toleratingthispainupuntilitbecameunbearable.Thatwastheworstmyheadandneckhadever
felt.Eventhoughthatwastheworstmyheadhadeverfeltmyatlaswasdeterminedtomakeme
feelevenworse.NomatterwhereIwasmyatlaswouldfindme,andnomatterwhatIwasdoing
thepainwouldcome.
Myatlasistheenemy.Ifyoulookedupmyatlasinthedictionarysynonymssuchasa
traitor,theadversary,theinvader,andthedevil'sadvocatewouldbethebesttodescribethe
betrayalithadandstillhasonmybody.Brutus,fromtheplay
JuliusCaesar,
palesin
comparisoninthebetrayalmyatlashadinthedestructionofmyneck.Whycouldn'tmyatlas
guidemeinalifefreeofpain?Thisboneinmyspinethat'sfunctionistosupporttheglobeof
thehead(AtlasVertebraAnatomy)can'tseemtoachieveitspurposewithoutharmingme.A
functionthatsoundssosimpleandafunctionthatpeopletakeforgrantedbecauseoftheirease

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andabilitytomovefreelywithoutrepercussions.Theserepercussionsthatcausemetohidein
thedarkfromtheblindinglight,tolayonmybackwithaheatingpadunderitsoIcouldmove
thenextdaywithoutpainshootingupit,andthatcausedmetocrymyselfasleepatnight
becausemythrobbingpainwouldtakenobreaks,andforseventeendaysIlivedlikethat.For
seventeendaysmyatlascontrolledmeinsteadofguidingme.
DuringtheseseventeendaysIsatonthegroundwithtearsstreamingdownmyfaceas
mydadmassagedmyneck,andalmosteverynighthewouldsay,Paigeyou'retootense.You
needtorelaxeandallowmetomassageyourmuscles.ThroughtheglobsofsnotandtearsI
wouldsaytohim,Imtryingbutithurtstomuch.AsIperiodicallysniffedupthesnotinmy
futileeffortstokeepitfromencasingthelowerhalfofmyface.OncemydadwasdoneIwould
stepintoasteaminghotshowertotrytomakethepainsubside,butitwouldn't,soIwouldend
uplayinginmybedlisteningtothequiethumofemptinessattheendofCastleDrive.Thatwas
thebeginningofmyendofcontrolandIdidn'tknowwhereIwasgoing.
IwouldvisitDrAdamstwiceorthreetimesaweekduringthoseseventeendaysandona
ThursdayafternoonaftermyappointmentheandmymomstartedtalkingandIremembersitting
therezoningouttillmyeyeshadaglassyfilmoverthemignoringtheirconversation,untilmy
Momasked,IfPaigedoesn'tgetbettersoondoyouthinkitwouldbeabadideatogetanCT
scanorMRItocheckifshehasatumor?Iquicklysnappedoutofmydazeandhungontoevery
wordDr.Adamsspokeashesaid,Itdoesn'tsoundlikeabadideabecausesometimesyoucan
betakenbysurpriseandwhenyouhearhoofsyouthinkit'shorsesbutitmightjustbeazebra.I
immediatelybecamepetrifiedhopingthisneverendingheadpainwasjustanotheratlasepisode.
Thepainonlyconsumedmeevenmore,andthatnightIwhenlayinbedandIcouldn'tfall

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asleep.Iwoulddozeoffbutonlyfortenminutesorso,butwhenIwouldwakeupthepainhad
onlybecameworseandinthatmomentascaredandinsecuregirlsaidinaquietwhisper,What
ifImazebra?
InthenextinstantIwasintheemergencyroominmybedgettingwheeledtogetmyCT
scanandasIgotwheeledintotheCTscannerroomIcouldfeeleverybumpandunevenpartof
thefloor,andthenIsawthemachinethatwasgoingtotellmeifIwashealthyornot.Ifelt
betrayedbymyownbodyandtheproblemsintheworlddriftedawaybecauseallIcouldthink
ofwaswhatisgoingtohappentome.AsIlaythereundertheglowingradiationlightsIwas
completelyandutterlyfrightenedoftheresults,thepain,andtheseglowinglightsthatIdidn't
knowwhattheyfor,butIknewtheywerescaringme.Icouldn'tholdmyheadstillduringtheCT
scan.Idon'tknowwhyIcouldn'tkeepmyheadstill,butIjustrememberallthefearandanxiety
rushingtomybrainandtellingmetomovemyheadeventhoughIknewIneededtobestill.
WhentheactscanwasfinallyfinishedIknewIneedtogoagain,andIknewthedoctors
wouldn'tbeabletogetaclearimagebecauseImovedmyhead.
IadmittedlydemandedtogotothebathroomandthentheDoctorandNursetriedtocoax
meintogoingaftermyCTscan,butImadesureIwentbefore.InaquickfiveminutesIcried
outallmytears,lookedintothemirror,caughtmybreath,andcalmeddown.Ilaydownunder
theCTscanner,closedmyeyessoIwouldn'thavetoseethefreakyglowinglights,andcounted
sheepuntilitwasover,andInthatmomentIrealizedthatIcannotfunctioninthewaythatmany
peopledo.Icannotfunctioninthewaymanypeopletakeforgranted,butthereissomuchinme
thatworksperfectly.IhavemyheartsoIcanlovetheonesthathelpedmeinthistime,myeyes
soIcanseemybrotherstouchthelivesofmany,andmyandlegssoIcanstandupforwhatI

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believein,butIalsohavemyatlassoIcanknowwhatpainis,andsoIcanrememberthetimes
ofpurejoy.Myatlashasguidedmeinalifefullofturmoil,butitalsohasgivenmepainsoIcan
understandandfeelsympathytotheworldwhenshesayswhatifImazebra?

WorksCited
"AtlasVertebraAnatomy|AtlasBoneAnatomy|CervicalVertebra(C1)Anatomy."
AtlasVertebraAnatomy|AtlasBoneAnatomy|CervicalVertebra(C1)Anatomy
.N.p.,
n.d.Web.24Jan.2016.