Managing Conflict:

A Problem-Solving Approach

Submitted by David Mariluch

Salt Lake Community College
COMM 2110:
Interpersonal Communication
March 26, 2016

Description:
This paper is designed to help work through an effective problem solving process and ultimately resolve an ongoing
conflict that I am having with my girlfriend. Furthermore, this paper will describe in detail the problem-solving
process and its steps while touching on identifying the conflict process. Following, I will describe the background of
the conflict we are having, and then give comparative dialogues to describe and contrast the difference between
using effective problem-solving techniques and not using them. Lastly, I will give an analysis of our agreed
solutions and the application of said solutions.

MANAGING CONFLICT THROUGH COLLABORATION:

Looking at our conflicts from the perspective that they are identifiable problems we can solve rather than battles, or
attempts at making someone understand, or see your perspective is a very effective way to manage conflict.
Structuring conflict as a manageable problem allows us to effectively manage our emotions and information instead
of being a conflict of personality (i.e., ego-conflict) (Beebe, p. 248). Beebe has developed five key steps in the
problem-solving process: defining the problem, analyzing the problem, determining our goals, generating multiple
solutions, and selecting a best solution that helps each person save face.
The first step define the problem may seem like a simple issue, but ongoing issues, and your current
emotions can easily be result of prior conditions that are more core to resolving what you may believe the current
problem is. Furthermore, intense emotions can cloud our judgment and ability to identify the core problem
effectively. It is important to define the problem prior to engaging in conflict and to effectively manage your
emotions to maintain clarity and insight on possible underlying or larger core issues (Beebe, p. 222-223, 241).
Before engaging in a discussion, pick a mutually safe environment to talk in, take time to build a rapport with your
partner. Feel out the situation, have light conversation, and make sure the emotional environment is favorable. Once
a healthy report has been established it is much more effective to engage in a discussion where you and your partner
define the problem.
In the next step analyze the problem you and your partner decompose the conflict into its key parts to
identify the core causes of the problem. To gain a clear understanding of the problem it is important to effectively
manage information. Begin with looking at the conflict as a process; identify the prior conditions that have
happened, what has been said before, what type of situation do you find yourself in, etc. Furthermore, attempt to
identify the conflict producing events; when doing so, remember to stick to the facts of what has transpired, not your
thoughts, and interpretations. This will help keep passionate emotions out of the conflict and reduce the likelihood of
it developing into ego-conflict. Analyzing the problem can be a difficult process that can fuel undesired emotions.
When you have an interpretation about something your partner says it is important to check your perception actively
by asking your partner if you interpretation is correct. When describing the conflict producing events attempt to
identify obstacles that have got in the way and figure out whether the problem is the result of many issues or a larger
core issue.

Once you have discussed and determined the many parts to the problem it is time for you both to
determine the goals you have in resolving it. This allows each of you to express what is truly important to you.
When determining your goals you and your partner should have a clear, realistic and achievable goal in mind. To
begin try to identify your personal goals, think of ways to express your desire by using descriptive I language (e.g.,
I care about you and I know you cant always control your schedule, but it bothers me when you dont show up for
plans we have and dont communicate that you wont make it. I really want to know what to know ahead of time if
you cant keep your plans) (Beebe, p. 174-175, 240-251). Make sure to be open to negotiation, that your goal can
be modified in a way that works for both of you. From here listen to the goals of your partner while trying to
empathize and understand their goals. Once you have identified where your goals lie it is much easier to start
identifying where your goals are similar or different when developing an agreed solution. Try to focus on where
your goals are similar, this will allow you and your partner to identify what outcome you would both like and move
closer to an effective resolution.
From here you and your partner will generate multiple solutions to best find one that you both agree on.
Take this as a brainstorming exercise where you both get the opportunity to create a variety of solutions. This will
allow both you and your partner to feel equally engaged in resolving the conflict. Remember not to be critical or
your partner and encourage alteration of each others ideas. Beebe has developed a clear suggested process for
developing a mutual solution (Beebe, p. 250).
1.
2.

Clearly understand what the problem is and what your goals are.
Withhold judgments and wait to evaluate your wants, try not to censor your thoughts.
Note: I would add to this to clearly label emotions, thoughts and interpretations as such
e.g.
Emotions: Frustrated, Happy, Sad, Hurt
Thoughts/Interpretations: I think you are being irresponsible. My interpretation is that youre
saying you dont want to be with me.

3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.

Decide when and how long you two will brainstorm.

If possible brainstorm you own ideas and write them down before you meet with each other.
Attempt to develop one or more ideas that are outside the box.
Build the ideas together, let your partner know its ok to and that you encourage them changing or
modifying your ideas.
Make sure to write down all the ideas you come up with
Take time to look over each solution, think about how to combine ideas, make them more
agreeable to both of you, or whether to get rid of it all together.

Once you have come up with a variety of solutions discuss and select the best solution for both of you.
Remember to base your decisions on objective criteria by setting standards for the solution. This could be things like
the cost, time involved, what values you want to stick to etc. For example, say you are having an issue about who
splits up the work at home. You could decide that your criteria are that it the chore must not interfere with work; that
you only will do the chores you can do in a twenty minute period; that you will do the work that is to laborious for
you female partner, etc. This solution might then be that you are going to mow the lawn, move furniture and
vacuum, and keep the garage clean. Lastly, pick a solution that allows both of you to save face or in other words
allows you both to maintain a positive self-image and maintain your individual self-respect.
A collaborative approach to solving a problem is very beneficial when using a problem solving approach to
an issue. Collaboration will allow both partners to be actively involved in the problem solving process. To do this
both partners need to maintain an other-oriented mindset and actively manage their emotions so that a healthy
environment for discussion can be developed before engaging in problem solving. Try to look at the issue and
solutions from a we or us perspective. Doing so will help both partners to be more empathetic to the goals of
one another while being more willing to work together when brainstorming solutions.

BACKGROUND OF THE CONFLICT:

I noticed that my girlfriend and I have had an ongoing issue with her not keeping her commitments when it comes to
plans we have. Frequently the issue has been that she is tired and takes a nap she will oversleep and I am stuck
waiting around worried because I cannot reach her.

COMPARATIVE DIALOGUES:
The following dialogues are to illustrate the difference between our attempts to communicate and resolve this issue
when first not using the problem-solving process followed by the implementation for comparison and analysis.

DIALOGUE A (no problem-solving process):

o Me: Its really frustrating when you dont stick to our plans and Im stuck sitting around waiting,
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worried about you, with no idea of whats going on because I cant reach you.
Her: I didnt mean to not stick to our plans, I went home and took a nap. I texted you right when I
woke up.
Me: Ya, but I still had to wait around for you and worry the whole time. I didnt know you were
taking a nap.
Her: Im sorry, I need my sleep to function.
Me: Why couldnt you tell me you were going to take a nap and that you might not be able to make
it then?
Her: I didnt think that I would sleep that long.
Me: Why didnt you try to set an alarm, it doesnt even look like keeping your commitment to see
me was a priority.
Her: School and being able to function is my number one priority.

DIALOGUE B (with problem-solving process):

1. Define the problem
o Me: Today you didnt show up to our plans and it really bothered me. I would like to know ahead of
o

time if you arent going to keep your commitments.

Her: Thats understandable but I needed my sleep and I cant always be sure if something will
happen or come up.

2. Analyze the problem

o Me: If Im understanding you correctly youre saying that sleep is going to be your priority when
o

you need it when it comes to keeping commitments you have with me and that you would like me to
be understanding when unforeseen circumstances happen.
Her: Yes, and my understanding is that you like to keep your commitments and that if I am unable
to keep mine that you would like me to contact you beforehand.

3. Determine goals
o Me: So you want me to be understanding when things come up and to be well rested each day?
o Her: Yes, I am working 48 hours a week as a nurse, Im getting my doctorate, my schedule is
o

switching from nights to days each week and I cant always control when something work or school
related comes up or how exhausted I might suddenly become.
Me: I think both our goals are similar you want me to be understanding and I want to be in contact
with you so that I can understand what is going on. Also, you really need to get your sleep and that is
going to be a priority for you.

4. Generate many solutions

o Me: Alright, lets start with you feeling well rested. Is there something we can do that will help you
get better sleep?

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Her: Maybe we could try turning off the TV by 10pm and me taking my trazadone around 9 so we
fall asleep sooner.
Me: I think that sound like a good solution to try.
Her: What do you think will help you be more understanding of my situation when things come up
or I oversleep?
Me: I think it would be really helpful to know what your plans are. For instance, if you are going to
take a nap to let me know. You could also possibly set an alarm and then decide if you want to sleep
more, that way if you do you are awake to tell me.
Her: You think youd be ok with me just messaging you and saying Im sorry I cant make it?
Me: I think if something happens send me a message saying you wont be able to make it is a good
start and if its possible you could give a brief explanation or tell me youll explain later so Im not
stuck waiting around.
Her: Ok, and what if I am unable to contact you?
Me: Hmmm, maybe we set a time limit? Like if Im waiting for 20 minutes then something must
have come up. I can then wait and have you tell me about it later and I wouldnt wait around for long
periods of time.

5. Select a solution
o Me: So just to be clear we are going to be asleep by 10pm each night and if I find myself unable to
o

reach you when we have plans I am going to leave and possibly make other plans after a twenty
minute wait.
Her: Yup, I am going to try to do better at letting you know when Im doing something else like
going to take a nap and if I am able I am going to message you and let you know I wont make it
ahead of time so you arent stuck waiting for me.

ANALYSIS:
Outcomes:
There were clear differences in the outcomes of both conversations. Our first conversation clearly stayed as
conflict where both of us felt the need to have the other person understand each others goals. We didnt
actually take the time to express understanding one another and were never able to move towards a solution
that could resolve the problem.
When using the problem solving process our conversation became much more constructive. The two of us
felt heard and had our emotions and goals validated. We were able to build a rapport beforehand that made
having a collaborative discussion become a healthy problem solving process rather than a conflict. When
generating solutions I could see that we were both much more open to finding a solution that helped both of
us. Ultimately using a collaborative method gave us both what we wanted and neither of us was unhappy at
the end.

Conflict resolution styles:

Our first attempt at resolution was simple conflict where we both had a difference in perspectives and
goals. Her goal is to be well rested and feel good, while my goal is to be punctual and maintain our plans.
We were having an issue because we were both using a competition style of conflict where each of us
wanted our way at the expense of the other person (Beebe, p. 234-237). The next attempt was much more
effective because we both agreed to a collaborative approach where we looked at our issue as a problem we
could solve by coming up with a solution that works for us both. It was very healthy for us to build a
rapport before our discussion so that we both were in a healthy place emotionally. When talking neither of
us avoided the conversation or disassociated and became detached. We both have a habit of wanting to run

when a situation gets too intense, but using a collaborative approach allowed us both to stay engaged in a
healthy way.

Challenges:
One of the biggest challenges for me was not expect my partner to maintain an other-oriented mindset. In
the past expecting my partner to empathize with me or understand my point of view has devolved the
situation in simple ego-conflicts. Furthermore, I always struggle with intense emotions so effectively
managing my emotions is a difficult process that is key to me be successful when trying to resolve a
problem.
I also noticed that trying to determine a goal rather than just be heard and want something to change wasnt
something that came naturally for me. I had to actively right down events so that I could determine what I
believed both our goals to be so that when we had a discussion I could be more empathetic and
understanding of my partners wants and needs.

APPLICATION:
In the past it has been very difficult for me to manage my emotions effectively. There are times where I take my
interpretations to be real and run with them until it severely effects our relationship. I have to often work hard to
actively check my perceptions to keep my mind from assuming the worst about my partner and ultimately taking it
out on her in some fashion. I can see that using a problem solving approach made managing my emotions and
checking my perceptions much easier (Beebe, p. 80-82, 240-251). It took me out of the situation and made me look
at it as something to resolve not a slight on my partners end. I noticed how having clear goals and trying to figure
out a solution together was much more effective for resolving the issue. In the past I have known what I wanted to
happen and I see that now as a very one sided approach. I understand now that conflict is a complex thing that can
be addressed from a variety of ways with a variety of skills. I really look forward to continuing in my application of
these conflict management skills in all my future conflicts.

CONCLUSION:
Using collaboration to resolve a conflict as a problem to be solved was extremely effective for me. I noticed that it is
a very time consuming process, but the rewards seem well worth it. I think collaboration is best used on larger issues
where it is more effective to take time to be clear about what our issues are and how to best solve them in a way that
benefits both parties. Using the five step along with various other skills in conflict management has already had a
significant impact on me and my relationship. I honestly hope that one day learning interpersonal communication
will become a standard in the education system. Life always has conflict, learning how to cope with our emotions,
set effective goals, and develop agreed solutions with others is a necessity in society. Being more effective is
something we can all benefit from and I believe if we all become more skillful we can hope to achieve a much more
cooperative and productive world.

REFERENCES:

Beebe, Steven A, Beebe, Susan J, Redmond, Mark V. (2014) Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others.
Boston: Pearson [Allyn & Bacon]