Self

Sub-Domain: Boundaries
Boundaries are invisible lines that individuals create by means of setting limits
with others, both personally and professionally personally, regarding interactions and/or
relationships with the self and others, and professionally, regarding interactions and/or
relationships with children/youth, families, colleagues and authoritative figures in a
school, work, or placement/career setting. Creating and maintaining healthy personal and
professional boundaries with others is an essential component to a healthy development
and well-being, as it protects the self our bodies, minds, emotions and promotes
healthy relationships with others (Davenport, 2012). Boundaries also keep us from being
used or manipulated by others, and they allow us to confidently express who we are and
what we want in life (Davenport, 2012).
When discussing boundaries, this can include both physical and emotional.
Physical boundaries are the limits we set when physically interacting with others. A
physical boundary is an individuals guideline as to what is and is not allowed when
spending time with another. This involves touch, personal space (how close someone is in
proximity to you), how you spend time together and for how long, etc. An example of a
physical boundary could be when an individual states to another that they are feeling
uncomfortable with the way that theyre being touched, or because their personal space is
being invaded. In contrast to physical boundaries, there are also emotional boundaries.
Emotional boundaries include how we allow people to treat us and vise versa. This
involves the respect, or lack thereof, that we give and receive when interacting with
others. An example of an emotional boundary could be when an individual communicates

with someone that they are feeling hurt regarding the way they have been treated by
them. While doing so, this individual asks for them to stop and also lets them know that
they will no longer tolerate being treated this specific way.
Throughout my entire life, setting boundaries with others has always been a
struggle for me. Perhaps this is because my boundaries were violated at a young age, or
because I was not respected and/or listened to when I tried to set boundaries with people
in the past. Perhaps it is due to low self-esteem/self-worth, fear of confrontation, rejection
and abandonment, a weak sense of identity, lack of assertiveness and difficulty saying no,
or for being a people pleaser. Typically, when my boundaries are crossed, I experience
anxiety due to the reasons mentioned above; this hinders my ability to communicate
assertiveness effectively, if at all. Because of this, usually what happens is I respond the
opposite to what I am thinking/feeling; for example, I will say yes when I want to say no
and vise versa, feel guilty when I say no, act against my morals/values in order to
please or gain acceptance from others, not speak up when I have a desire to say
something, put other peoples wants/needs before my own, give too much, or allow others
to do/say things to me that make me feel uncomfortable (Davenport, 2012). I realize that
these doings are an attempt to gain the love, respect, and approval of others that I dont
quite have for myself. However, I have also started to realize that this behaviour is only
damaging myself physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and
therefore, have begun working on setting boundaries with others by staying true to myself
and becoming more assertive.
In an attempt to co-create boundaries with others, both personally and
professionally, I need to continue to practice setting boundaries with others. Although I

am aware of what needs to be done in order to do this, such as to communicate

assertiveness, I am unsure of how to get there. I can practice, but how exactly do I go
about doing so? To answer this, I decided to do some of my own research about
boundaries; I read about healthy/unhealthy boundaries, as well as how one can go about
strengthening their boundaries. Personally, reading about boundaries was emotional and
thought provoking, and at times distressing, as is this reflection. I began thinking of the
many boundary violations I have experienced in the past and continue to experience to
this day. I realize that although I have shown an improvement in setting boundaries with
others, it is still an area that I need to give attention to and develop in.
When researching about boundaries, I came across a blog called Boost Your SelfEsteem? 10 Ways to Establish Personal Boundaries, written by Barrie Davenport. This
author provides ten steps on how to start creating and implementing personal
boundaries (Davenport, 2012). The first step is called Mind Shift; here, she explains that
the first step is to change our mindsets by learning to understand that it is okay (and in
fact healthy) to have boundaries, and that self-worth comes from oneself, not from the
acceptance or identity of others (Davenport, 2012). The second step is called Define, in
which you make a list of things that people may no longer do/say to, or around you,
and define your values, such as who you are and how you want to live (Davenport,
2012). The third step is Communicate to converse with others when/if your boundaries
have been crossed and ask them to respect the boundaries you have set with them
(Davenport, 2012). In the fourth step, Expect, Barrie informs us that having these
conversations can/will be uncomfortable and difficult, and that people may either
become defensive or distant from your life as a result (Davenport, 2012). The fifth step is

called Reinforce, in which you continually practice setting boundaries with others so that
you are taken seriously and respected (Davenport, 2012). The sixth step, Reward, states
that we should acknowledge and thank those who respect our boundaries so that the
behaviour is reinforced (Davenport, 2012). Although this may be beneficial, I think it is
also important to reward yourself for having the courage to set boundaries. The seventh
step, called Reciprocate, is to be aware of and make effort to respect the boundaries of
others (Davenport, 2012). In the eighth step, Stay Flexible, Barrie differentiates between
healthy and unhealthy boundaries, stating the importance to create boundaries that are
balanced and capable of being bendable from time to time (Davenport, 2012). The ninth
step is to Be Patient and this speaks for itself, as setting boundaries requires time, effort,
and practice (Davenport, 2012). Lastly, the tenth step is Believe to trust yourself, and
believe in yourself and your value as a unique individual who is worthy of love and
respect (Davenport, 2012).
While the paragraph above covers how to set personal boundaries, it is also
essential to set professional boundaries, whether this be in a school, work, or
placement/career setting. The steps mentioned above, however, could most certainly be
used in this setting as well. Looking back, I have had the most struggles with setting
boundaries in past/present part-time jobs and in field practicums at Fleming College in
the Child and Youth Worker program. For instance, in past and present part-time jobs, I
have struggled to set boundaries with specific coworkers who have said or done things
that make me feel uncomfortable and/or anxious. In addition, I have a tendency to please
others (my bosses and/or coworkers) by giving too much; for example, I very seldom say
no when asked to work over-time or take someones shift. I often find myself changing

my plans, or sacrificing time that I dont have just so that I can accommodate the wants
and needs of others. Only within the last couple of weeks, however, I have started to
practice saying no. Nonetheless, saying no troubles me, as I do not feel good enough as a
person or as an employee and therefore, feel guilty about it for hours/days after.
In previous placements, I have experienced similar scenarios; for example, I have
found setting boundaries with children/youth challenging, such as setting limits or
consequences regarding the rules/expectations of the school and/or agency, because of
my fear of failure and rejection. Specifically, I fear doing/saying the wrong thing,
angering someone, or being disliked. This not only applies to the children/youth I work
with, but also colleagues and supervisors. Setting boundaries in professional settings are
difficult for me to do when people test or cross my boundaries by either not following the
rules or listening to myself, saying or doing something that is uncomfortable for me or
disrespectful to me and/or others, or touching me in a way that I do not want to be
touched. In occurrences like these, I experience an overwhelming sense of anxiety that
consumes me and causes me to freeze, making it very difficult for me to act upon my
thoughts, feelings, or desires, and set boundaries. One specific example of a time my
boundaries were crossed was during my first placement, when a staff member I worked
with was taking advantage of me. This staff member would continually ask me to do
favours that were unrelated to the responsibilities of a Child and Youth Worker placement
student. This staff member was also demeaning/hurtful at times to both the students and
myself. In addition, I remember I left the school one day at 5:00 p.m. as opposed to 3:00
p.m. because this staff member was talking to me and at the time, I was unable to set a
boundary. Another incident I experienced in my most recent placement was when I had a

few uncomfortable encounters with a staff, in which my boundaries had been crossed.
When these encounters took place, I experienced the sort of anxiety I explained above. In
an attempt to deal with this dilemma, I was able to create physical and emotional distance
between this staff and I; however, I was unable to set clear boundaries with this staff as I
would have liked to. Nonetheless, I was eventually able to gain the courage to talk to both
my faculty and placement supervisors about this matter, and take further action. Despite
my ability to have done this, next time around, it is important I communicate any
boundary violation(s) right when it happens, as opposed to waiting weeks/months later. In
addition, I hope that, with time, I can gain the strength to set boundaries or communicate
boundary violations with the specific people who cross my boundaries, as I was unable to
do so in this case.
Upon reading this written reflection, it is evident that there is a need for me to
continue to strengthen my boundaries. When it comes to strengthening boundaries, I
believe its all about practice the more I practice, the more confident I will become in
setting and maintaining boundaries. I need to be patient, as well as compassionate
towards myself, while working on this area of development, as it is a work in progress. I
also think that in order for me to develop strong boundaries, I need to let go of all my
fears, learn to love myself, and believe that I am worthy of love and respect (with time).
In addition, I can always refer back to and follow the steps that were mentioned in Barrie
Davenports blog surrounding boundaries. Due to the ongoing battle I have experienced
in both my past and present in regards to setting boundaries, and after writing this
reflection, I realize it is not only essential for me to continue to work on myself, but to
receive additional help with this matter from a counsellor.

Reference
Davenport, B. (2012). Boost Your Self-Esteem? 10 Ways to Establish Personal
Boundaries. [Blog] Bloom Life and Blog Coaching. Available at:
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/life-coaching/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries.