THE GREAT AMERICAN TRAILER PARK MUSICAL MUSIC AND LYRICS BY DAVID NEHLS BOOK BY BETSY KELSO DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC.CHARACTERS: ‘THE LOVE TRIANGLE and THE VILLAIN JEANNIE GARSTECKI, 35-45 years old. Jeannie has lived in a eraler at Armadillo ‘Acres for 20 years with her husband and high-school sweetheart, Norbert. A faded ‘beauty, she was 17 when she married, 18 when her son was born and 23 when he got ‘kidnapped. That, coupled with a really bad peem, has turned her into an agorapho- bic. She hasnt lft her railr in all these years and the man she loves is drifting fur- ther and further away and she's determined to get him back... tha i if she could ‘manage co get out ofthe trailer to NORBERT GARSTECKI, 35-45 years old. Jeanni’s husband Norber collects tolls for living and tries to be as good a husband as one can be to an agoraphobic. A for- ‘mer high-school football star, he has rugged good looks marred by fatigue and che stress of his difficult marriage. He isa simple man who desperately wishes his wife could get out of the tilt, but hes not equipped with the emotional or intellectual ‘tools to help her do it. He has never loved or slept with a woman other than Jeannie. ‘That is until he meets. PIPPI, 28-35 years old. Pippi isa striking beauty with a great body and a tate for clothing that shows i of. Up to this point, Pippi’ life has been about surviving. She is a professional stripper who has gotten by on her looks and talents for dancing and petty theft. She means no harm and is ready co stop making bad choices and start ‘making changes, but fist she has to get lost in a hick-cown trailer park in Noreh Florida so she won't be found by her last bad choice ... DUKE, 24-28 years old. Duke is Pippi's obsesive, possessive and excessive Magic “Marker-sniffing boyfriend; “ex"-boyftiend according to Pippi. Nor so, according to Duke. Nor the brightest guy south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Duke leaves a tail of dlsaster in his wake wherever he goes. His road trip to Starke is no exception and his arrival at the trailer park is full of surprises — even for a group of people who have hhad their share of excitement...“THE GIRLS” BETTY, 38-50-something. Bery artended high school with Norbert and Jeannie Garstecki and has lived at Armadillo Actes for just s long. She now runs the leasing office and makes it her business to know everything about everybody ‘who passes through the trailer park. Though a self-proclaimed “bad-ass,” Betty is really a mother hen to the denizens of the tile park. Ofall “The Girls,” Beery is the most grounded, earthy and dry. LINOLEUM “LIN,” 30s, So-named because her mother gave birth to er on the kitchen floor, Linoleum has a husband on death row atthe Florida State Prison. His fate isan electric chair that doesnt work properly unless mose ofthe town's electricity is cured off. So Lin watches everyone’ lights and appliances very ‘losely in the hopes that she can keep the chair on the fritz. Sometimes self absorbed and sometimes just a smart-as, she hints at a wild, rock-and-roll past ‘and is te feriest of “The Girls.” DONNA “PICKLES.” 17 years old. A newlywed, Donna is called “Pickles” because she is perpetually hysterically pregnant — that is, she's so convinced she should be pregnant shes exhibiting symptoms. Her husband is lot fancier than she's, ase is from the big city of Jacksonville, His parents havent been very sup- pportive of his marital choice, so Pickles is desperate co give her husband a fami- ly of his own — even if she has to fake i. The dimmest of "The Gits,” Pickles is airy, sweet and blissfully ignorant. SETTING Most of the action in The Great American Trailer Park Musical takes place in “Armadillo Acres’ — a North Florida trailer patk in a town called Starke. There are also various rips to a local strip club and a mall in Oklahoma City.MUSICAL NUMBERS ‘This Side of che Tracks. One Step Closer. ‘The Buck Stops Here... Ic Doesnit Take a Genius ‘Owner of My Heart. ‘The Great American TV Show Flushed Down the Pipes... Storms A-Brewis -» The Girs/Norberc/Jeannie/Pippi sve The Girls/NorberuJeannie Pippi/The "Men ‘The Girls/Norbere/PippilJeannie JeannieiNorbert «The Girl/Pippi/Norbert Jeannie/The Girls The Ges PippilJeannie/Norbert s+ Duke The Gies ippiNorberd/Jeannie swe The Gitls »-Jeannie/TinalPippi Company Road Kill. Buc He's Mine/Ie’s Never Easy. ‘That's Why I Love My Man, Panic Finale...THE GREAT AMERICAN TRAILER PARK MUSICAL TOP OF SHOW ‘A radio bounces from station to station — all counery-rock and blues. The Ihowse lights fader black a a song ends... Lights upon three botle blondes (Betty, Lin and Pickles) sunbathing with huge sun reflectors. Mac in SONG ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS BETTY. JUST FEEL THAT LATE SUMMER FIRE BURNIN’ UP THE SKY PICKLES. IT MAKES TIME STAND STILL ‘AND YOUR BRAINS START TO FRY LIN. ‘THOUGH YOU'D TRADE YOUR LEFT TIT FORA DIP IN THE POOL ALLTHREE. ("The Girls’) ‘AIN'T NO SENSE WANTIN’ WHAT YOU CANT HAVE NO SENSE DREAMING LIKE A FOOL, (Spokentadlits) hea that, sometimes ya gota setle.. (Ete) LIN. (Sings) 1S THIS THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE TRACKS? PICKLES. IS THIS THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS? aBETTY. WELL I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT’S NEITHER SO LET'S LAY DOWN THE FACTS THAT WE LIVE, THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS, WE LIVE ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS WHERE IT’S HOTTER THAN HADES AND INA HEAT LIKE THIS IT'S HARD TO ACT LIKE LADIES WHEN YOU'RE THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS WE LIVE A LIFE OF GLAMOUR TO THE MAX AIN'T THAT RIGHT? PICKLES and LIN. IT'SA FACT: ALL THREE GIRLS, HERE ON THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS BETTY. (To audience.) Well, hello there! Yall mustve taken a wrong turn off 0! Highway 301 because you ae in Starke, Florida, and ths here is Armadillo Acres, ‘North Floridas most exclusive manufactured housing community. LIN, Its a trailer park. BETTY, Well, the mortgage aint bad and the weather is kind. Beautiful day, huh girls? PICKLES, LIN. Is kinda hor. You could fey an cpg on my ass. BETTY. ‘Course i the humidity thar makes people forget their manners. Infact jus the other day Iwas conversatin’ with someone at lunch. When [told him I lived ina trailer park he said, “Honey, this here’ White Caste... not White Trash.” LIN and PICKLES. Of all the nerve, that aint right .. (Etc) BETTY. First off, do not work on my tan near three hundred and sixty-five days a year to be called white anything. PICKLES. Whar did you say back? BETTY. Nothin’. (Musi ou) It’s not my fale chat cock-smokin’,tongue-waggin’ cheese-sucki’ dickin-a-bag doesnt know a lady when he sees one. (Music bac in.) ‘THEY CALL ME BAD-ASS BETTY FROM HIGHWAY 301 AND MY TITLE’S NOT EASILY WON TVE LIVED IN ARMADILLO ACRES SINCE 1973 OH YEAH I BEEN A CARETAKER, HOMEMAKER,‘CAKE BAKER, LAWN RAKER, BALL BREAKER, EARTH SHAKER, SEX FAKER, HEADACHER AND THAT'S JUST SCRATCHIN’ THE SURFACE OF A TRAILER TRASH BRIDE LIKE ME AND ILLIVE THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS ALL THREE GIRLS. WE LIVE THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS WE ARE POOR AND WERE TIRED ‘THAT'S THE TOP TWO THINGS ‘THAT ARE REQUIRED HERE ON ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS WERE WHAT SOCIETY LET SLIP ‘THROUGH THE CRACKS BUT WHO CARES? WE DON'T, WE LIVE ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS LIN. My friends cll me Lin, but my full name is Linoleum because my mama gave birth ro me on the kitchen floor. My husband Eats been on death row at the Florida Stace Prison for eight years now. The whole things got me 50... 0 vs» What’ the word I'm lookin’ for? PICKLES. Horny? LIN. That’ i. The prison has an electri chair we eall “OF Smokey” which don't work a hundred percent unless most of Starke’s electricity is turned off so 1 spend my time makin’ sure everybody's electricity stays on all the time. Because enforcing cruel and unusual punishment on 2 man for doin’ wrong isnot the job of the government. (Music ou.) Ici the job of a wie. (Music back in) EVERYBODY KEEP YOUR LIGHTS ON SO THE PRISON TURNS OL’ SMOKEY OFF BURN THE MIDNIGHT OIL. EVEN IF YOUR LOVERMAN WANTS TO BOFF TBEEN ON THIS CRUSADE OF JUSTICE ‘TO CLEAR MY MAN OF WHAT HE'S DONE (Spoken.) Earl was tight to shoot that son-of-a-bitch. (Musie out.) He was in the ‘wrong lane. (Music back in.) SO UNTIL MY MAN’S BACK HOME IN BED EVERY LIGHT IN THIS TOWN IS GONNA SHINE FROM MOON TO SUN PICKLES. My real name is Donna, but everybody calls me Pickles ‘cause I'm pregnant, BETTY and LIN. Uh ...I dont think s, no youre not... (Ee:)PICKLES. Alright. I ain't pregnant for real: Doctors call ‘em “hysterical preg- nancies.” That means even though they aint real or nothin’, you do get symp- toms. For example, I eat los of food and then I get fat. 'm seventeen and my husband is a faney guy ftom Jacksonville BETTY and LIN. love Jacksonville, that’s no joke, big city... (Bt) PICKLES. He likes foreign beers and cheese thac smell like urine. (Sing) BUT HIS FOLKS DON'T SPEAK TO US NO MORE AND THAT'S OKAY WITH ME ‘THEM PEOPLE DON'T FIT MY IDEA OF A LOVIN’ FAMILY 1.GOT MY MAN, I GOT MY FRIENDS AND SOMETHIN’ ON THE WAY SO IF ME AND MY MISTER KEEP ON TRYIN’ WE MIGHT GET IT RIGHT SOMEDAY AND WE'LL LIVE ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS, WE'LL LIVE ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS, WE'LL HAVE A LOVELY ADDITION LN. ‘THERE'S JUST ONE THING MISSIN’ FROM YOUR CURRENT CONDITION HERE ON, ALL THREE GIRLS. ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS PICKLES, GET A LOT OF WEAR OUT OF MATERNITY SLACKS BETTY and LIN. a WHERE FROM? PICKLES. OFF THE RACK ALL THREE GIRLS, HERE ON THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS (Norbert Garstecki storms out of his trailer. He wears a plain work uniform and as «lunch pail. His wife Jeannie appears in the door.) JEANNIE. NORBERT GARSTECK1, DON'T YOU DARE GO OFF IN A HUFF GIRLS. (For the audience.) ‘THAT'S JEANNIE, NORBERT AND JEANNIE, 10NORBERT. JEANNIE GARSTECKI, 1 DONE HAD ABOUT QUITE ENOUGH GIRLS. "THAT'S NORBERT, NORBERT AND JEANNIE NORBERT. "THIS MARRIAGE IS HEADIN’ FOR DEMOLITION ‘WAKE UP AND FACE THE FACTS YOU GOT A WEIRD AFFLICTION YOU AIN'T STEPPED OUT THAT DOOR SINCE 1983 NOW YOU WON'T JOIN YOUR HUSBAND FOR YOUR TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY (Spoken) Jeannie, we made a pat. You promised thar by our ewentieth weddin’ anniversary youd come outta that trailer sos we could do somethin special. JEANNIE. We can do special scuff right here at home, Norbert! NORBERT. Can we? Can we go out for fancy dinner or sce somethin’ super classy, ike .». (Whipe outa pair of ticket.) the Yee Capades? (The Girls murmur with admiration) LIN, Everybody knows entertainment ain entertainment unless i eakes place NORBERT. (Holding sickew, pleading.) Twenty years Jeannie. Twenty years. Our anniversary is just one month away. (With encouragement from the oters Jeannie etaively laces he to on the front porch, arm awkwardly glued tthe door “frame, ber fice pained.) JEANNIE. [im sorry L cai (Norbers sous the tcksom the ground, The Girl gasp) NORBERT. 1GOTTA GET AWAY FROM ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS BLONDES. ‘THINGS ARE JEANNIE. (Spoken) HEATIN’ UP ON Norbert dont ‘THIS SIDE OF THE you walk away ‘TRACKS like that — (vorber and Jeanne cominue their heated fightin the background. The Gin elaborate) GIRLS. HES ATOLL COLLECTOR SHE'S AGORAPHOBIC BETTY. SHE AIN'T LEFT THAT TRAILER uSINCE THE BIRTH OF AEROBICS AND SHE'S GIRLS. ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS LIN. GOT A FEELIN’ NOT MUCH. GOIN’ ON INTHE SACK PICKLES. SO HAVE A SNACK AND KICK BACK GIRLS. YOU'RE ON THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS ALL. ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS, WELCOME TO ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS \WE AIN'T HIGHLY EDUCATED. GIRLS. BUT WHO NEEDS A DIPLOMA WHEN YOU'RE WED AND MATED, HERE ON ALL. ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS BETTY. (Sotto voce.) IT’S THE PERFECT PLACE, FOR EVADING TAX ALL. ‘WE GOT BIKERS TRYIN’ TO SCORE FORMER ROCK STARS TO IGNORE AND SHOPPIN’ AT THE 99-CENT STORE FOR YOU THIS SIDE, THIS SIDE OF THE (Everyhing abruptly stops. A sexy brunese of about cir, wearing ight clothing and _fvecinch heels rashes in with a suitcase.) IPP. (Quick in one breath) Hi, Ym Pippi T'm an exotic dancer on the run from an ex-boyftiend in Oklahoma City so I needa place to lve that’s cheap and private where the folks got so many problems of their own they wort much notice mine. ... Yell know a place like that? (Music back in.) ALL. ‘THIS SIDE OF THE. GIRLS. JEANNIE, NORBERT and PIPPI. “TRACKS THIS SIDEOFTHE THIS SIDE OF THE 2‘TRACKS ‘TRACKS THIS SIDEOFTHE THIS SIDE OF THE ‘TRACKS ‘TRACKS ‘THIS SIDE OF THE ‘TRACKS ALL. THIS SIDE OF THE TRA-A-AAACKS! (Gong ends, Jeannie goes back inside her trailer Pipi gets a key from Betty and goes off ters. Norbert goes off to work, Betty smiles atthe audience.) BETTY. Hey, girls. We gor company. LIN. Oh! (Lin turns on the perennial Christmas lights) BETTY. (To audience.) Now I gota feelin’ this might be some o!yall’s fis time ina trailer park so we'e gonna tackle some unfair stereotypes up front. Fist off wwe do not all have missin’ teeth, LIN and PICKLES. No, I go a fll set, floss daily ... (Ete) BETTY. Second of al, we do not frequent Monster Truck and Tractor Pll LIN and PICKLES. Notsince prom, sboring ... Et.) BETTY. And finally, we do not marry our cousins LIN. Hell no. Not without a prenup. BETTY, Just stick around. Well make sure your stay is pleasant. (Betty walks ver tothe comunity mailboxes, checks her mail and ako grabs the Garteckis) LIN. And you'll need us for guidance ‘cause around here, what you see aint always what you get. PICKLES. Sorc like a restaurant menu with no pictues of the food on it. (Betty swanders ver to the Gartecki trailer and deposits their mail into a make-shif bin ‘that reads: Garsecki Mail Goes Here, Please!) BETTY. Take, for instance, Norbert and Jeannie Garstecki PICKLES. He’ the roll collector and shes the one with the arachnophobia, LLIN. You mean “agoraphobia.” She’ affad to go outside. PICKLES. (As ff Lin is an idiot.) She's afraid to go outside and live amongst the spiders. BETTY. Ladies, Jeannie Garstecki is affaid to go outside, bu is not because of spiders. I've known Jeannie and Norbert since they met in high school. (Lights shift — Flashback circa 1983, 80s music in. Jeannie ener ina belted “Frankie Say Relax” Tshirt and Madonna-wannabe accesories, carrying schoolbooks. Norbert centers in am “805 baireut and “Ratt” Tshirt. Teenage awkwardnes:) NORBERT. Hey. JEANNIE. Hey. NORBERT, So, like, hear you'te geri’ straight As in Geometry and I'm, ike 13———— _. not: Maybe you could, like, come over after 'm done with football practice and tutor me? JEANNIE. Sure. (Music out.) NORBERT. (Aside) Holy Ham Sammmitches! SONG ONE STEP CLOSER NORBERT. (Sings in flashback.) ‘THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN GEOMETRY IS TAKIN’ TIME TO TUTOR ME JEANNIE. (Sings, in flashback) ‘THE FOOTBALL STAR AND THE MATHELETE A PERFECT COUPLE THAT'S A GUARANTEE NORBERT. DO YA THINK WE CAN STUDY ON SATURDAY NIGHT ‘AND MAYBE GROOVE TO THE TUNES OF BARRY WHITE? JEANNIE, TLL HAVE TO ASK MY DAD BUT IT SURE SOUNDS OUTTA SIGHT (Geannie opens ber geometry book and flirtatious tutors Norbert) NORBERT. ONE STEP CLOSER JEANNIE, GIRLS. ADD YOUR oo (CIRCUMFERENCE AND. ONE STEP CLOSER THEN YOU'RE DONE. NORBERT. ONE STEP CLOSER JEANNIE, GIRLS. TLL HELP YOU oo WITH YOUR TEST AT ONE STEP CLOSER! ONE (Adolescent Norbert and Jeannie exit.) BETTY. (Spoken, so audience.) Needles to say, Norbert flunked Geometry: And 4just a fide while later... (Light up on Norbert and a pregnant Jeannie at the wed ding altar not much older than we ast saw them.) NORBERT. ONE STEP CLOSER GIRLS. ‘AH BUT WITH A SHOTGUN, ‘ONE STEP CLOSER! NORBERT. GIRLS, (ONE STEP CLOSER AH SHOULD HAVE PUT ‘ONE STEP CLOSER ‘ON A TROJAN (Geannie now appears holding their bay wnapped in blue blanket.) JEANNIE and NORBERT WE HAVE OUR LOVE WE HAVE OUR HOME AND NOW WE HAVE OUR SON (Lin knees, mimed camera in band) LIN. Say cheese! JEANNIE and NORBERT. (Grinning stiffly) ‘ONE STEP CLOSER (Betty hands ther a trailer hey) JEANNIE. "ARMADILLO ACRES HERE WE COME JEANNIE and NORBERT. BEING GROWN-UP IS FUN! (Geannie, Norbert and baby exit into their trailer.) BETTY. (Spoken,) Well, the Garsteckis moved into Armadillo Acres and they been here ever since. PICKLES. Oh, Betty, tellus again about the day Jeannie went tothe har sslon and they left her under the dryin’ cone too long, BETTY. Ob ... okay. (Sings) ‘ONCE UPON ATIME I'D SAY *BOUT TWENTY YEARS BACK JEANNIE GOT A PERM WHAT MADE HER LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN CAROL KING AND WOLFMAN JACK (Geannie appears witha very bad perm. Norbert sail behind, carrying a basine,) 15WHAT HAPPENED NEXT HITS ME IN THE GUT ALL THREE GIRLS. ‘TRAGEDY OUTSIDE THE SUPERCUTS LIN, Tall’em what happened, Bety. BETTY. Jeannie’ little boy got kidnapped. (Soap-opera style organ chord! A “Hamburgler™like figure pops out and snatches the bassinet while Norbert fuses cover Jeannie.) NORBERT. Hey! JEANNIE. Who took my baby? (Jeannie and Norbert run of The Girl look very solemn for a moment.) BETTY. But that perm! ALLTHREE GIRLS. (High drama.) That’ gotta hur, thats suffering, you dont bounce back from somethin’ like that... Bt.) BETTY. Well, here we are, twenty years later... (Lin elas and the lights change to “nigh... tonight. (The Girl ext. Scene shifs o present day: song tempo slows Norbert comes out of the trailer present day Jeannie appear in the doorway) NORBERT. ‘THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN GEOMETRY HAS A PROBLEM THAT IS WAY BEYOND ME JEANNIE, ICANNOT FACE THE WORLD OUT THERE WITH MY BABY GONE WHAT'S THE NEED? NORBERT. LET'S HIT THE TOWN IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT JEANNIE, BUT THERE'S A SHOW I WANNA WATCH STARRIN’ JUDITH LIGHT BESIDES, THE TIMIN’ DON'T SEEM RIGHT NORBERT. (Pleading,) ONE STEP CLOSER JEANNIE. NORBERT, I CAN'T GET PAST THIS DOOR (Norbert gets down on one knce and points to the frst step down their frone porch) NORBERT. ONE STEP CLOSER JEANNIE. GIVE ME JUST A FEW WEEKS MORE LL GET OUT BY OUR ANNIVERSARY ‘THAT'S WHAT GOALS ARE FOR 16NORBERT. (Spoten.) Im goin’ out. (Sings) YM MEETIN’ DELBERT AT THE PACKAGE STORE (Spoken )\ need a bece. (Norbert lumbers off Jeannie looks afer him, eyes the porch step below. She mates a huge attempt and manages to land one fot om it.) JEANNIE. YM ONE STEP CLOSER (ong ends. Lights out on Jeannie. Bluesy strip music in. The Girls enter, wearing ‘baseball caps, tinted sunglass, flannel shires and “males” wigs, All ree butch it up «5 tailer park men.) BETTY. (To audience.) We got on these very special outfits sos we can take you inside the town's very special strip club. LIN/MAN. The Litter Box Show Palace! PICKLES/MAN. Yeecoooow'! BETTY/MAN. Fora night out in Stake, a man needs a proper look. (Lin and Pickles pos.) Sturdy footwear .. eye-catching outerwear... And a dang good haircut, One that says, “Business” up front ... (Lin and Pickles surm around.) “Pary” in the back. Gentlemen ... (Music ou.) Lets party, (Music back in as the scene sifs tothe Liter Box Show Palace. The “Men” rset their lawn chairs as srip club seas. in/Man takes out an index card and commands fous:) LIN/MAN. Tonight, the Liteer Box Show Palace is proud to present a new lancet! (Reading from the car.) Pippi has performed in Adnta, Georgia, at The Pitchers Mound. In Detroit, Michigan, at The Stick Shift. And in Oklahoma Cis premier adult dinner thee-ayter ... (Music out.) Chicken’ Cooter. (Music back in as Pippi is revealed, wearing a cowgirl oust. She stands on a small stripper stage with a chrome pole in the center) SONG ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE. PIPPI. ‘COME ON BOYS, LAY THEM DOLLARS DOWN, THIS GIRL DON’T SHOW IT FOR FREE JUST BECAUSE I'M THE NEW GIRL IN TOWN, DON'T BE SHY WITH ME BETTY/MAN. (Spoken.)I dont do shy.piprt. IJUST BLEW IN A COUPLE HOURS AGO STARKE, FLORIDA, FEELS PRETTY GOOD BUT AFTER LEAVIN’ MY MAN ‘THAT NO.GOOD SO-AND-SO ANY PLACE WOULD LINIMAN. (Spoken,) She said wood. PIPPI. ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE “MEN.” ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE PIPPI. ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE “MEN?” ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE PurPt. YM GONNA STAY A WHILE ‘THIS PLACE IS JUST MY STYLE ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE (Pippi approaches the “Men? in their seats throughout the following grabbing the tps they offer?) BEEN TO ST. LOUIS MO AND ATLANTA G-A (BeaylMan takes Pippi “esence” as she dances by.) BETTY/MAN. (Spoken.) Mmmm ... Shalimar. PIPPI. FROZE MY ASS OFF IN GREEN BAY (Pickles/Man appreciates Pippi ass.) PICKLES/MAN. Spoken.) Peaches! PIPPI. IN TEXAS GOT DOWN TO THE NITTY AND GRITTY LIN/MAN. (Spoken,) Wanna know what else chymes with “gritty”? (Pippi leaves ‘er cowboy hat with LinlMan.) PIPPI. NEXT STOP OKLAHOMA CITY T/BEEN MOST EVERYWHERE ‘THAT YOU CAN SHAKE IT WHILE YOU'RE BARE (Key change: dance break.) BETTY/MAN. I think she gonna do a dance break. (The “Men” cher wildly and ‘fil her has wich more dellar bil) 18PIPPI. "THE BUCK STOPS HERE ic ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE piri. ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE a "THE BUCK STOPS HERE (Pippi takes her buck filled cowboy bat fom the “Men. PIPPI. ‘YA'LL WANNA PLAY? COME ON AND MAKE MY DAY "THE BUCK STOPS HERE ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE “MEN? ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE PIPPI. ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE “MEN.” ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE Pippi notices that a new exstomer bas entered the cub: Norbert: He sands in the ‘corner, trying not 1 draw attention. Pippi approaches him.) PIPPI. I THINK PLL STAY A WHILE “THIS PLACE 15 JUST MY STYLE "THE BUCK STOPS HERE! (Song ends. The ‘Men’ fold their lawn chairs readying to leave.) NORBERT. Fellas, you seen my brother Delber? “MEN.” Nope, havent seen him, not in years... Et. The “Men” exit) NORBERT. Wait, fellas, I might need a ride. (Pippi reentrs in street clothes, counting cash) Hey. PIPPI. Honey, the lub is closed, Ifyou want a private dance, ey the “Grits nt “Tis” out on Route 17. NORBERT. I'm not lookin’ for a dance, I'm lookin’ for my brother — PIPPI. Look: Ihave been drivin’ all day and dancin’ all night. Ido nor have time for this routine. Iam a dancer, period. Not a “dancer with benefit.” (Norbert docs quite follow) NORBERT, Well... Idont care about your health insurance. PIPPI. Dorit you play dumb with me. I know your kind. And I can see that 19 |shiny weddin’ band all the way over here. I don't suppose the missus knew you ‘were comin’ here tonight. NORBERT, Hell, / didnt even know I was comin’ here tonight. My brother told me we was goin’ for beers and he up and brings me to this place. PIPPI. Gee, 'm so sorry you got dragged to the Litter Box Show Palace. Don't ‘mind me up there dancin’ my behind off. You have any idea what it’ lke co just stand here and collect dollar bill after dollar bill after dollar bill? NORBERT. Yes Ido. PIPPI. Is that so? NORBERT, I'm toll collector. PIPPI. Hey, how ‘bout we start over. 'm Pippi NORBERT. I'm Norbert live over at Armadillo Actes. PIPPI. Oh! Thats where I seen you before. Well here lam chitchattin’ with my neighbor after he’s already seen me dance half-naked in front of a group of strangers. That doesnt happen every day. NORBERT. Ie docs in Florida, PIPPI. Well, I better get goin’. Hey, I'm sorry I laid into you. I'm just havi really bad... decade. NORBERT, Hey, I know how that is. (Pippi and Norbert connect — here is a “ipark.") PIPPI. Dia you say somethin’ about needin' ride? "Cause I could give you lift back o the trailer park. NORBERT. Yeah, That'd be great. I could use a ride. (Pippi and Norbert freeze. Lights up on The Girls) LIN, Usea ride? Itlooks to me like a certain tol-ollector we know is lokin’ at some cuuuurves up ahead. BETTY, Ie looks to me like a certain tollcollector who should be hittin’ the breaks is hittin’ che fas lane. (Pickles looks confused.) PICKLES. I donit know what yall are talkin’ about, but it looks to me like those ‘0 people are gonna fuck. (Norbert and Pippi ext.)SONG IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS PICKLES. TAIN NEVER BEEN THE KIND TO JUDGE ‘THAT AIN'T HOW I BEEN RAISED BETTY. PEOPLE DEAL WITH DIFFERENT THINGS UN. IN DIFFERENT KIND 0 WAYS, PICKLES. HEAR I'M DUMBER THAN A BOX OF HAIR NOT THE SHARP KNIFE IN THE DRAWER BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NO EINSTEIN SMARTY PANTS ‘TO GET WHAT THESE TWO. ALL THREE GIRLS. ‘ARE BUCKIN’ FOR IT DOESN'T, DOESNT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS IT DOESN'T, DOESNT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS ‘TO SEE WHAT THEY'RE UP TO NOW (Dring the following, Norbert enters and knocks on Pippi dresing oom door at The Liter Box Show Palace.) GIRLS. ‘ONE WEEK LATER HE'S SNEAKIN’ OUT THE DOOR ‘TO MEET IN THE PLACE ‘THEY MET ONE WEEK BEFORE Pippi opens the door.) "THERE SHE STANDS LOOKIN’ SWEET AS APPLE PIE LIPSTICK AND LEATHER GO EASY ON THE EYE—_—_—_ eee NORBERT. (To himself) 24 HOURS A DAY ALL DO IS THINK ABOUT HER PIPPI. (To henelf) 24 HOURS A DAY I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND SOME TIME ‘WITH MY BRAND NEW FRIEND NORBERT and PIPPI. (Still in sepante world.) 24 HOURS A DAY TKEEP WONDERING WHERE WE'RE HEADIN’ AND IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS ‘TO SEE WHERE THIS MIGHT END. (Pippi and Norbert exit. The Girk appear) | GIRLS. ‘TWO WEEKS LATER LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENIN’ NOW EVERY NIGHT’ THEY MEET AS TIME ALLOWS | (Norbert enters wich flowers) HE SHOWS UP WITH AN FTD BOUQUET. HER WEARIN’ NOTHIN’ BUT A HONOLULU LEI (Pippi tosses a ei out the door and pulls Norbert inside. Lights up om Jeannie in her trailer, erssng days of a calendar that lead up t0 her anniversary) JEANNIE. (Sings) 24 HOURS A DAY WORKING HARD TO MAKE THINGS BETTER 24 HOURS A DAY IS NOT ENOUGH TIME "CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE IT’S TAKING TOO LONG (Ceannie holds an old prom dre) 24 HOURS A DAY GOTTA GET OUT FOR SOME ICE DANCIN’ BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS ‘TO SEE THINGS COULD GO WRONG Iris. WRONG, NOTHIN'S WRONG PICKLES. JUST THAT YOUR MAN'S STAYIN’ OUT FOR WAY TOO LONG, WRONG! GIRLS. IF NOTHIN'S WRONG‘THEN THERE'D BE NO NEED TO SING THIS SONG. ing the following, Norbert and Pippi enjoy a pos-coital cigarette as Jeannie ries PIPPI and JEANNIE. ‘Ty PIPPI and JEANNIE. DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS i and Norbert exit.) "IF MARRIAGE IS A LAWN ‘THESE TWO ARE MOWIN’ RIPPIN’ UP EVERY SEED __ JEANNIE BEEN SOWIN’ AND IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS __ TO SEE WHAT'S GOIN’ ON (Geannie rans back inside be railer as Pipi ant Norbert reenter in over-the-top “die pie.” The next section is sung a capella, during which Pippi and Norbert covery ‘advance toward a motel entrance.) ‘NORBERT, PIPPI and JEANNIE. IT DOESNT GIRLS. DOESN'T! 3Oe NORBERT, PIPPI and JEANNIE. DOESN'T iris. DOESNT! ALL. DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS NORBERT, PIPPI and JEANNIE. IT DOESN'T. GIRLS. DOESN'T! NORBERT, PIPPI and JEANNIE. DOESN'T GIRLS. DOESN'T: ALL. DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS casi in Jeannie reappears inher doorway, wearing water wings for extapro- seaton NORBERT, PIPPI and JEANNIE. WINDS OF CHANGE SURE ARE A-BLOWIN’ GIRLS. LIES AND LUST IS WHAT WE'RE A-SHOWIN’ ALL. AND IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SEE GIRLS. ‘TAKE THIS WORD FROM ME | ALL. IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SEE (eannie’ fect now touch the ground.) PICKLES. WHAT'S GOIN’ ON ALL. YEAH! (Song ends. Jeannie siumphancly runs bac inside. Norbert and Pippi share a quiet _00d-nighs kiss) THE GIRLS. (A capella) ‘THREE WEEKS LATER HMMMMM (Scene sis tothe interior ofthe Garsteci trailer. Norbert enters and finds Jeannie 241p waiting for him.) NORBERT. Oh, hey, Jeannie. JEANNIE. Hey, Norbert, NORBERT. Wow. Place looks nie. JEANNIE. (Casually) Really? Oh. Yeah, 1 been tidyin’ up. Makin’ some changes. put up some old pictues of us. (Norbert takes aclser lok.) NORBERT. Look at that. I forgot about Delberts Devo phase. He loved that jumpsuit. Whip ic! Whip it good — JEANNIE. (Cutting him off) Norbert. I wanna talk to you about something, NORBERT. You do? JEANNIE. Come on, sit down here beside me. Jeannie pats the soft next to ber. Norbert tentatively sit) NORBERT. You know, Jeannie ... I think I wanna talk to you, t00. JEANNIE, Me first. [just cant wat. [know our anniversary is ill a week away, bbuc want co give you part of your gift tonight NORBERT. You do? JEANNIE. I'm just so excited about it. (She stand.) You ready? Then close your ‘eyes. (He docs Jeannie walks tothe door quietly opens i and steps ontide. From out- side.) Okay! Open ‘em! (Norbert see that Jeannie is no longer inside the trailer with him. He runs tothe door and ses her atthe bottom of the porch steps) NORBERT. Nubeuh! Jeannie runs back inside and Norbert sweeps her off her fet.) Holy ham sammitches — when did allthis happen?! JEANNIE. Remember that day you threw them Ice Capades tickets on the ground? NORBERT. Yeah. Jeannie, I'm real, real sorry about that. JEANNIE. No, you were right ro be mad, Norbert. I promised myself that very day I would leave chis trailer sos we could celebrate our anniversary a that show. So I stared pracicin’ — frst it was a toe, then a foot, then my whole leg ‘Then it was “Lies and Deception” weekend on Lifetime TY, so I got lite si tracked — NORBERT. (Cuting ber off) Wait. Thats what you been doin’ for the past few ‘weeks while I been — (Catches himself) Ou? JEANNIE. Thingis ve only made its far down asthe bottom ofthe steps, and ‘with just one week let... I dont know, Norbert. Maybe this was a stupid idea. NORBERT. Scupid idea? Just walkin’ out that door is more than you done in ‘near cwenty years Jeannie. You can do this. I know it. JEANNIE. | think so, too, Norbert. I feel different. Do I look different? ‘NORBERT. You look ... You look beautiful. Jeannie is surprised and touched.) JEANNIE. So les set the date — one week from tonight, on our anniversary 25you are all mine, Norbert Garstcki. Joking) So you best cancel whatever hot date you got planned instead! (Guilty. Norbert forces a chuckle) NORBERT. Right. Jeannie, I'm just uh ... Pm juse gonna go out and get some aire (Norbert steps outside onto the porch.) SONG OWNER OF MY HEART JEANNIE. ‘THEM WEDDIN’ VOWS SURE ARE FUNNY FOR BETTER OR WORSE ‘WELL MY MAN'S SEEN THE WORST OF ME, FOR SURE BUT THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, IS GETTING NEAR. IT’S TIME TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR GONNA WIPE AWAY MY FEAR AND I'LL DO IT ALL FOR THE ONE ‘THAT 1 ADORE, FOR YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART KEEPER OF MY DREAMS HOLDER OF MY THOUGHTS WHEN AT TIMES IT SEEMS 1 MIGHT SLIP AWAY, TOO FAR AWAY, SO FAR APART GOTTA STOP MYSELF REMIND MYSELF THAT YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART (Lights up on Norbert outside the trailer.) NORBERT, ‘SOME PEOPLE SAY TIME REALLY FLIES BY AND ITHINK I AGREE BUT TIMES DONE MADE A STOP "ROUND HERE. WHEN YOU SEE A SMILE ON YOUR WOMAN'S FACE YOU AIN'T SEEN IN TWENTY YEARS TT MAKES ALL TIME STAND STILL SO BEAUTIFUL UNTILYOU REALIZE THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE'S | SMILE THAT CAN MAKE EVERYTHING DISAPPEAR, BUT YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART. KEEPER OF MY DREAMS HOLDER OF MY THOUGHTS WHEN AT TIMES IT SEEMS | MIGHT SLIP AWAY, TOO FAR AWAY, SO FAR APART GOTTA STOP MYSELF, REMIND MYSELF THAT __ YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART JEANNIE. (Overlapping) © YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART NORBERT. JEANNIE. KEEPER OF MY KEEPER OF MY _ DREAMS, DREAMS, HOLD HOLDER OF ‘BOTH. _ | MYTHOUGHTS WHEN AT TIMES IT SEEMS | MIGHT NORBERT. JEANNIE. SLIP AWAY SLIP AWAY, FAR AWAY FAR APART TOO FAR AWAY, SO STOP MYSELF. FAR APART REMIND MYSELF ; GOrTa stor MYSELE REMIND ‘MYSELF THAT BOTH. YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART (Ce lights dim on Jeannie, Norbers looks at Pippi’ trailer, then back to his own.) NORBERT. YOU ARE THE OWNER OF MY HEART | (ong ends. The Girls enter near the community mailboxes.) BETTY. Poor Jeannie and Norbert. PICKLES. Yeah, The tension ‘ound here is so thick, you'd think it was a cheer- leadin’ competition. (Thunder rumbles low. The Girls lok up at she sky) BETTY. I think we got a thunder storm comin’. LIN, Lets help oue new guests with preparations. (The Giksaddres the audience) a——— PICKLES. Make sure you got enough food and water to last you three days. BETTY. Make sure you got plenty of flashlights and candles. LIN. Make sure you strap a six-inch hunting knife vo your leg. BETTY. Whats that for? LIN. Nothin’. I just think it looks awesome. BETTY. Let's get che mail, shall we? (Bet pul single piece of paper out of her ‘mailbox.) My issue of Mobile Homes and Gardens atived. PICKLES. So did Ftericaly Pregnant Woman Quarterly. (Pickles pulls out a tiny postcard, Lin, what did you get? (Lin pullout an enormous phone-book-sze volume.) LIN. North Florida Prison Wife Digest. Hey, look at this month’ cover story — “Keeping Conjugal Visits Fresh. Ideas For ‘That Special Behind-Bars Rendewous.” (To audience.) Rendezvous. That’ French for “fuckin.” (Lin and Betty ext with their mail) PICKLES. Speakin’ of informative information ... (To audience.) We take you ‘to Oklahoma City. (‘Duke” ransition music in.) Pippi’ crary ex-boyfiiend Duke is hot on the prow! to find her, so he goes to visi her friend Tina who works at the mall. (Mall musak in Pickles takes « smock out of « mailbax.) She works aa place called Stand by Your Flan. (Pickles dons a big lan bat. Musk fides... ) Duke comes to the food court all high on Magic Markers, yo. He’ all like, “Where's Pippi?” And Tinai all ike, “I don’t know” and he’ all like, “Tell Me! and she all lke, “I don't know” and then Dulke gets — (Dute enter.) DUKE. (To Pickle/Cashier) — real mad. (Ominous cord) PICKLES. And he says: DUKE. That ain cool, Tina. I know my Pippi tells you everything. (Grabs her roughly) So cell me where she is! Or so help me God, lll his entire mall you | faked your alien abduction! (Tina is frightened, et turmed on:) DUKE. TINA. Yeah, you faked 1 faked it ic You like to Yeah, breathe on fake it. know sme. [ike ic you like i. 1 when you breathe took a Cert. on me. PICKLES/TINA. Okay, okay! (To audience, still in Dukes grip.) And then she told him! She told him! (To Due.) She's in Florida! I dont remember the town, but ts gota real messed up name. (Due releases Pckle/Tina and whips out map of Florida.) DUKE. Isic Okawannawechav? PICKLES/TINA. No, thats not it. DUKE. Is it Okanobee-takatickee? 28PICKLES/TINA. No, that’ not it. DUKE. (Reade cael.) Ist Okanoboe-wackaweeka-hawka-chackachicka-hoochee? PICKLES/TINA. One more time? DUKE. (Annoyed, I it Okanobee-wackaweeka-hawka-chackachicka-hoochee? PICKLES/TINA. Once again? DUKE. (Losing patience.) Okanobee-wackaweeka-hawka-chackachicka-hoochee?! (Lighbulb for Pichles/Tia. She snaps her finger.) PICKLES/TINA. 1's Starke. (Duke i ready to los it.) Would you like some flan? DUKE. (Intrigued,) What’ tha, jello? PICKLES/TINA. No. DUKE. Pudding? PICKLESITINA. No. DUKE. oe cream? PICKLES/TINA. No. DUKE. Wall ifieain jello, pudding or ice-cream, then what the hell i PICKLES/TINA. (In tear, rerifed again.) | have absolutely no idea! DUKE. You're lucky I got a runaway stripper girlfriend to track down, misse. (Saif a marker.) Lucky indeed. (“Duske” nanstion music in as Duke exits.) PICKLES/TINA. You jut watch yourself, Duke! Or her new beylrend’s gonna beat your face in! (Duke renters.) PICKLES. Uh-oh. DUKE. New boyftiend? (Takes out gun.) I guess I got me an excuse to use ol) Beulah here. PICKLES. ("Vik") Beulah. (Due looks at her menacing She masters enthusiasm.) mean, “Beulah!” DUKE. And don't you forge it. "Duke" ranstion music in as Dute exits again. ‘Betty and Lin enter as Pickles takes off ber flanwear.) PICKLES. And then he left. He left without so much as even tasting the flan. BETTY. (Ominous) Are you gels thinkin’ what I'm thinkin? LIN. Hells yeah! (Lin and Pickles pullout pens and sniff madly) BETTY. (Grabbing the pens away) What Ui thinkin’ is that there's a very dark land dangerous force comin’ hereto Starke. Beat.) PICKLES. Think its gonna mess with the TiVo? BETTY. Meanwhile, back at Armadillo Acres ... (The Girls ext as Pippi comes ‘out of her trailer, talking on ber phone.) PIPPI. (On phone, whispering) Tina, its me, Pippi. Shhh. Dont tell nobody back in OKC you'te talkin to me. Especially you-know-who ... Duke, that’s who! When he bought that gun, I knew ic was time to get ou. (As Pippi checks her mail, Norbert enters, overbearing?)PIPPI. (On phone.) Sure, ic sucks when yout boyfiiend goes crazy, Tina ... Yeah, 4 part of me misses him, but everybody knows sniff’ is just a gateway co huf- fin (Seeing Norbert) Tina, Umm sute you do have somethin’ importan co ell me, but 'm gonna have to eall you back. (She Aangs up. Whispering.) Hey, sweetie! NORBERT, You gota boyftiend? PIPPI. Ex-boyfriend. (This fails to appease Norbert.) Norbert, dont tell me youre jealous. NORBERT. Sounds like you get alt o! that 1 guess I'm just another dumb fool hick you gor wrapped around your finger PIPPI. Notbert. You are noc dumb. NORBERT. Never mind, We shouldnt talk here. (Norbert turns 0.) PIPPI. Hey, wait a minute. You wanna know how I feel about you? Come here. Til show you how I feel about you. (Pippi pulls Norbert behind her tale, out of sight. Jeannie then opens her trailer door. She has added life vest in addition to er “lates for “protection” and has tied a string from the vest othe rater door. She gin- erly steps out.) JEANNIE, Come on, Jeanne, you can do this .. ce Capades ... lee Capades (Bes ued 10 the ground, she slowly steps ay from ber tale leting up rope slack along the way) Michelle Kwan... Jeannie looks up tril by how much grand she cov- cred) Hey! Bety? Lin? (Jennie goo to find them and steps hin Pippi miler She stops dead in her racks) PIPPI. (Offtage.) Jeannie! NORBERT. (Offtage.) Holy Ham Sammitches! (Norbert and Pippi run owt fom behind the trailer) JEANNIE. You two were ... Oh my God! (Jeannie runs back inside. Norbert rans safer her, pounding on the dor she just sammed shut.) NORBERT. Jeannie, Jeannie! Damn! She double-locked the door. (He turns to Pippi.) PIPPI, I chink Betry’s gor a master key. (Norbert loks at Pippi fora moment.) Its okay, Norbert — go! (He runs off) Shoot. | guess Tm gonna have to move again. (She gos inside her nailer Scene shifts othe Gastecki ler interior, Jeannie replags the horrid event over and over in her mind. Offitage “reverb Jeannie! Jeanie... Jeannie NORBERT. (Offitage, “everb:?) Holy Ham Sammitches ... Sammitches Sammitches ... Jeannie looks off in the direction of Pippi trailer.) PIPPI. (Offitage, “reverb:”) Jeannie! Jeannie ... Jeannie .. NORBERT. (Ofitage, Yeverh? Holy Ham Sammitches ... Sammitehes so Sammitches ... Jeannie looks atte lee Capades tickets hanging near) PIPPL. (Offiage,“everb) Jeannie! Jeannie . Jani 30NORBERT. (Offiage, “everb:”) Holy Ham Sammitches ... Sammitches Samimitches ... (Dreamy transition muse in: TV eerily lighs up:) BETTY. (V0) Hello thee, Jeannie. Welcome to your nightmare ... Jeannie cans on the wall, wooey, and touches er head.) JEANNIE. Oh my. I... [fel a dream sequence comin’ on. (She faints, saking ‘er count-down wall calendar with her. Scene shift Jeannie nightmare.) SONG ‘THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW, Lights up on Betty a a heightened version of hela la hoses. BETTY. ‘THANK YOU ALL FOR TUNING IN YOU MAKE MY RATINGS SOAR IGOT SOME CHAIR CRASHIN’ CAT SCRATCHIN’ WHITE TRASHIN’ ACTION. AND A HELLUVA WHOLE LOT MORE TODAY'S SHOW FOCUSES ON ONE COUPLE'S TRAGEDY FROM COAST TO COAST WE GO 1 PROMISE TO MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS LOOK SMALLER IN COMPARISON AND THAT'S THE POINT OF ‘THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW! (Spoken,) Today's topic: Strippers on the Run Who Sleep with Married Men ‘Who Live in the Same Trailer Park and the Agoraphobic, Troubled Trailer Housewives Who Love Them. (Lin and Pickles are revealed as the tabloid TV stu dio audience) LIN and PICKLES. O909000000000000h. BETTY. On our panel, we have the martied man, Norbert Garsteck. (Norbert sand Pippi are revealed asthe panel) LIN and PICKLES. Asshole! BETTY. And his girffiend-slash- ripper, Pippi 31LIN and PICKLES. Slut! NORBERT. Hey! LIN. Asshole, BETTY, ‘TELL YOUR STORY, DON'T BE SHY YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT THE TWELVE MILLION VIEWERS WHO ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO SPILL YOUR GUTS UP HERE MY NURTURING NATURE SHOULD MAKE YOU RELAX 1AM A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL SO COME ON SWEETIE, SPIT IT OUT ON MY TV CONFESSIONAL AND THAT MAKES THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW ‘THAT PUTS GREAT AMERICANS IN THE KNOW YOUR SOFAS ALL THE FURTHER YOU NEED TO GO FOR A DOSE OF DRAMA FROM THE AVERAGE JOE IT'S THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW WE'RE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM POUR SOME JAVA, STIR IN YOUR SWEET 'N’ LOW FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW (Spoken.) Before we rsk lerting our guest panel say anything dul, we'l just go straight outlive, studio audience. (Betty goes into the “audience” with her hand- ‘eld microphone.) PICKLES. THINK THAT GIRLS QUITE A SHAMEFUL HUSSY ‘THROWIN’ HERSELF AT A MARRIED MAN LIN. LIKE A BITCH IN HEAT SHE'S JUST LOOKING FOR MEAT ANY WHICH WAY SHE CAN LIN and PICKLES. ‘AND WHO ARE YOU, MISTER TOLL COLLECTOR SOME MIDDLE-AGED ROMEO ALL THREE GIRLS, PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS 32‘THERE MIGHT STILL BE A CHANCE ‘TO GET AWAY FROM THAT DIRTY HO! (A la Andrews Sister.) ‘YOU SHOULDN’T-A-COULDN'T-A \WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN’T-A DONE IT YOU SHOULDN'T-A-COULDN'T-A WOULDN’T-A-OUGHTN’T-A SEEN THAT TRAMP, NO YOU SHOULDN’T-A-COULDN'T-A WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN’'T-A DONE IT IN THIS PERIOD OF YOUR LIFE SHE'S A MAJOR CRAMP YOU SHOULDN’T-A-COULDN'T-A WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN'T-A DONE IT IT MIGHT NOT BE MY PLACE TO SAY, BUT YOU SHOULDN’T-A-COULDN'FA WOULDN'TA-OUGHTN'EA. IPN YOU HADN'T YOU WOULDN'T-A BEEN INTHIS MESS YOU'RE IN TODAY. (Pippi grab the mic) PIPPI. (Sasy indignation.) DON’T POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ME YM NOT THE VILLAIN YOU SEE 1M A WOMAN JUST DOIN’ WHAT I NEED LIN. (Spoten,) You area whore. PIPrt. NO LAW'S BEEN BROKEN ‘THE ONLY THING GONNA BE BROKEN IS — (Music ou. A long “bleececceceep” censors Pippi steam of expletives.) LIN. Oh no you didnt! NORBERT. Excuse me. I'd like to say something. Lately Ive had a lot goin’ through my head. BETTY. Which one? (Bety alternatively aims the mic at Norbert face and bis crotch, Pickles and Lin gigle and comment. Norbert grab the mic. Music bak in.) NORBERT. IN MY DEFENSE I'LL SAY MY HOME LIFE'S NOT THE BEST IT’S BEEN OF LATE ‘WE DON’T LEAVE THE TRAILER MY WIFE'S GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM 33AND THE FOOD’S NEVER BEEN THAT GREAT CAN COUNT ON ONE FINGER ‘THE AMOUNT OF KISSES WE'VE SHARED IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS AND IF YOU WERE ME YOU'D HAVE TO AGREE NOW MIGHT BE THE TIME TO CHANGE MY GEARS I MISS THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE I REALLY MISS OUR LITTLE KID BUT I AIN'T FELT THIS YOUNG INI DON'T KNOW HOW LONG AND I WONDER IF I EVER DID (Betty slowly turns tothe audience.) BETTY. Ladies and Gentlemen ... real tears up here today. Real ... Ametican ss tears. (She gathers herself and continues) AIN'T THIS JUST THE BEST AMERICAN TV SHOW ALL, WE'RE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM POUR SOME JAVA, STIR IN YOUR SWEET 'N’ LOW (Betty, Lin and Pickles, Norbert and Pipi all sng at once, overlapping. A catfight Breaks out, chaos ensues) BETTY, FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN TY SHOW THAT PUTS GREAT AMERICANS IN THE KNOW. YOUR SOFAS ALL THE FURTHER YOU NEED TO GO FOR A, DOSE OF DRAMA FROM THE AVERAGE JOE IT’S THE GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW WE'RE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM POUR SOME JAVA, STIR IN YOUR SWEET 'N’ LOW FOR THE LIN and PICKLES. YOU SHOULDNT-A-COULDN'TA WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN'TA DONE IT YOU SHOULDN'T-A-COULDN'TA WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN'T-A SEEN THAT TRAMB, NO YOU SHOULDN'T-A-COULDN’EA WOULDN'TA-OUGHTN'T-A DONE IT 34IN THIS PERIOD OF YOUR LIFE SHE'S A MAJOR CRAMP YOU SHOULDN'T-A-COULDN'T-A WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN'T-A DONE IT IT MIGHT NOT BE MY PLACE TO SAY, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T-A-COULDNTA WOULDN'T-A-OUGHTN'-A. IFN YOU HADN'T YOU WOULDN’T-A BEEN INTHIS PIPPI. DON'T POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ME YM NOT A VILLAIN YOU SEE 1'M A WOMAN JUST DOIN’ WHAT I NEED DON'T POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ME. AIN'T NO LAW'S BEEN BROKE, AND NOTHIN’ HAPPENED ON THIS NORBERT. IN MY DEFENSE ILL. SAY MY HOME LIFE’S NOT ‘THE BEST IT’S BEEN OF LATE ‘THE TRAILER’S MESSY, MY WIFE'S GOT ALITTLE PROBLEM AND THE FOOD’S NEVER BEEN THAT GREAT, I CAN COUNT ON ONE FINGER ‘THE AMOUNT OF KISSES I'VE HAD INTHE LAST FIVE YEARS IF YOU WERE ME YOU'D HAVE TO AGREE I'S THE (Now in wnison:) ALL. GREAT AMERICAN TV .. BETTY. Tune in tomorrow when our topic will be: I'm so thilled with my breast implants, Pim gonna have a cir! ALL. TV SHOW GREAT AMERICAN TV SHOW (Song ends. “TV Show" playoff music as the scene shifs back ro the interior af the Ganstecki trailer) BETTY, Wake up, Jeannie .. (Jeannie wukes with a jolt Having passed out wear- ing her if ves and fleties, she removes them and turns ofthe TV) 35SONG FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES JEANNIE. JOAN RIVERS, HELP ME PLEASE DO YOU CARRY WHAT I NEED AMONG THE THINGS YOU SELL ON THE Q-V-C? IWISH THAT YOU'D ADVERTISE ACREAM TO REVITALIZE MY MAN AND ME “AS SEEN ON TV ‘MISTER CLEAN, LOOKIN’ LEAN IN YOUR MUSCLES AND JEANS ‘CAN I BORROW YOU ‘TO MOP UP THIS MESSY SCENE? NO SCRUBBIN’ BUBBLES AT HAND. AND I'M OUT OF SPIC’N’ SPAN IT’S LIKE THE TWO THOUSANDTH FLUSH BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN EELS LIKE MY LOVE'S BEEN FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES NOW IT’S TIME TO MOAN AND GRIPE *BOUT THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE. ‘MY MARRIAGE IS IN THE HANDS OF THE TIDY BOWL MAN PLOPPED FACE DOWN IN THE CAN, AND THEN, FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES ONCE AGAIN (The Girls appear and sing back-up.) GIRLS. LOVE'S BEEN FLUSHED MY HEART'S BEEN CRUSHED LIFE TURNED TO MUSH JEANNIE. GIRLS. 1 SEE NO RELIEF OOH, LALA FROM MY MARITAL, OOH, LALA, GRIEFWHICH GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “WHERE'S THE BEEF?” GIRLS. BIG FAT BEEF JEANNIE. GIRLS. JUST LIKE CLOTHES MMMMM, WALMART FROM WALMART MY LOVE LIFE’S MMMMM, APART FALLING APART AND IT CUTS LIKE A GINSU KNIFE LODGED IN MY HEART FEELS LIKE MY LOVE'S BEEN LOVE'S FLUSSSSHED. FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES HEART'S. NOW IT’S TIME TO ‘CRUSSSSHED MOAN AND GRIPE °BOUT THE WAY LIFE MUSSSSHHHH ‘THINGS USED TO BE ‘MY MARRIAGE IS IN ‘THINGS USED TO BE ‘THE HANDS OF THE TIDY BOWL, MAN ‘TIDY BOWL MAN PLOPPED FACE DOWN INTHE CAN, AND THEN ALL, FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES JEANNIE. ‘ONCE AGAIN ‘THEY SAY IT’S NOT NICE ‘TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE, NO SIR GIRLS. YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT JEANNIE. BUT THIS MOTHER NEEDS EVERY BREAK SHE DESERVES aGIRLS. YOU DESERVE A BREAK JEANNIE, WHILE SIT AT HOME HE'S DOIN’ ALL, ‘SOME YOUNG SLUT JEANNIE, ‘THEY GOT THE CLUB FOR THE CAR GIRLS. "THE CLUB FOR THE CAR JEANNIE. ‘THE CLUB FOR THE BIKE GIRLS. ‘THE BIKE CLUB ALL. BUT [WANNA CLUB THAT MAN'S BRAINS IN TONIGHT! EELS LIKE MY LOVE'S BEEN FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES NOW IT'S TIME TO MOAN AND GRIPE °BOUT THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE MY MARRIAGE IS IN THE HANDS OF THE TIDY BOWL MAN PLOPPED FACE DOWN IN THE CAN, AND THEN, FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES JEANNIE. ‘ONCE AGAIN GIRLS. DOWN IT GOES, WHERE IT STOPS NO ONE KNOWS JEANNIE. LOVE'S BEEN FLUSHED DOWN THE PIPES ALL. ‘ONCE AGAIN (Song ends. Black out. Sound of las breaking inside the Garsecki trailer) NORBERT. (Inside the railer.) Jeannie, that almost bit me! (Lights up.) JEANNIE. (lide the tale) Well almost ain't good enough! (Another ess.) NORBERT. (Inside the oiler) Ow'! (Norbert comes fying out ofthe trailer. rab- bing his bead. Jeannie appears in the doorway) 38JEANNIE. Norbert Garstecki, you take your things and you get out (She roses “a bag at him) NORBERT. Jeannie, you smashed every single knick-knack in that trailer. (Wounded) Keck Knacks s what makes tales home. JEANNIE. Home? When I think ofall the times I slaved over makin you snacks and cleanin’ up this trailer and ... and makin’ you snacks. You think chem Jalapeno Pringles cover shemselies in spray cheese? (Norbert steps toward her. Just 0, Norbert. You are not the man I thoughe I knew: NORBERT. Fine. I'll go to a more. JEANNIE. (Childish) Then go. NORBERT, (Childish) Iwill JEANNIE. (Childish) Okay. NORBERT. (Childish) 'm goin’ JEANNIE. (Childish) Fine, (Norbert reluctantly turn to go.) Not for nothin’, but you should be wearia’ a jacket inthis kind o! weather. (fannie firmly cles the door, Pippi exits her tale with bags packed. pieces of lingerie and clothing hastily stung over her arm.) PIPPI. Hey, Norber NORBERT. Where are you goin’ with all dhe tall PIPPI. (Sheepishs.) To the laundromat? NORBERT, You'e leavin’ Stake. Just lke that? PIPPI. Norbert, rouble ses to find me whereever Igo. I don't know why chat is, bu if I stick around here, things are just gonna get worse. 'm just gonna get my heart broken and I cant have that. (Norbert doesnt know what 10 say) Norbert I think I'm fallin’ for you. (Thunderclap: lightening flashes.) NORBERT, Pippi, can we talk about this? PIPPI. Are you sayin’ you wane me to stay? NORBERT. I'm sayin’ I wanna talk about ie... eomorrow. PIPPI. Alright. But its gonna have to be tomorrow. (Pippi goes back inside her trailer unwittingly dropping a sparking blue bra onthe ground as she goes. Norbert retrieves it just as Jeannie comes out oftheir trailer, holding bis jacket.) JEANNIE. A mote, buh? NORBERT. No, Jeannie. I was just gonna — JEANNIE. What? Lie about goin’ to a motel and shack up with your grlftiend next door instead? NORBERT. No, Jeannie — JEANNIE, You must chink Iam so stupid. Every ime I leave this tile, I find you doin’ somethin’ with somebody you got no business doin’ it with! Here’s your jacket. (Throws it at him.) But it looks like you got somethin’ else to keep 39you warm, (She slams the door.) NORBERT. Damn! (Thunder clap; lightening flashes. Norbert looks up at the sky ‘envaged,) Oh yeah? What ele ya got for me?! (Hluge lap of thunder and lighting) ‘Okay, okay. (Norbert stands before ‘judgemens” with the bra in one hand, hisjack- in the othe. Hl is struck by lightening. Music in. Huge clap of thunder and light- ing, Betty appears inthe same sparkling blue material asthe Pippi bras big rete hair 1. very “Solid Gold") SONG STORM’S A-BREWIN' BETTY. ‘THUNDER CLOUDS ARE GATHERIN' ‘OVER THIS QUIET COMMUNITY SET TO SPARK A CHAIN REACTION (OF DOMESTIC ELECTRICITY HELL'S GONNA BREAK LOOSE WAIT AND SEE HEED MY WARNING, HEAR MY PLEA ‘TONIGHT’S FORECAST CALLS FOR INFIDELITY (Huge clap of under and lighting. Lin appears in a similar get-uplhair.) LN. BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES GIRLS. STORM WARNING'S IN EFFECT ‘THIS SITUATION’S MUCH TOO BAD FOR DOPPLER RADAR TO DETECT GUSTY WINDS ARE GONNA BLOW SOON AS EVERYBODY KNOWS HURRICANE PIPPI HAS SET HER COURSE DIRECT (Pickles enters, alo in retoldsco gear, plus cape.) ALL THREE GIRLS. STORM'S A BREWIN’, STORM'S A BREWIN’ WE'RE PURSUIN’ SHELTER FROM THE FALLOUT OF A MARRIAGE GONE WRONG IT'S TIME TO CALL OUT STORM'S A BREWIN’, STORM'S A BREWIN’ WATCHA DOIN’ SITTIN’ ON YOUR ASSES 0 ——DON'T YA KNOW THE PRESIDENT'S CALLED THIS ‘A STATE OF DISASTER, HURRY RUN FOR COVER PICKLES. JEANNIE'S MAN GONE "AND FOUND HIMSELF A LOVER ALL THREE GIRLS. FIND SOME PLACE TO HIDE PICKLES. "CAUSE MISTER GARSTECKT GOT A PIECE ON THE SIDE ALL THREE GIRLS. DIAL UP 911 PICKLES, ‘TO ALERT THEM THIS EMERGENCY HAS NEARLY BEGUN ALL THREE GIRLS. MOTHER NATURE'S FLINGIN’ ATTITUDE SISTERS STICK TOGETHER WHEN A GIRL GETS SCREWED (Pippi enters ata late-era disco queen.) PIPPI. ‘WHAT AM I GONNA DO? CAN I FOLLOW THIS THING THROUGH? 1 NEED SOME HEART PROTECTOR FROM MY TOLL COLLECTOR (Geannie appears nan exaggerated Farrah Favcet wig) PIPPI and JEANNIE. ‘CAN [AVOID THE PAIN? BOARD UP THE WINDOWS RUN FROM THE RAIN (Norbert appears asa dio king flowing har gold chins et) PIPPI, JEANNIE and NORBERT. ‘SOMETHING'S GONNA BLOW [BEFORE THIS STORM IS THROUGH (Lin and Picles reappear) ALL ‘STORM’S A BREWIN’, STORM'S A BREWIN’ WERE PURSUIN’ SHELTER FROM A FALLOUT (OF A MARRIAGE GONE WRONG aIT’S TIME TO CALL OUT STORM'S A BREWIN’ (Betty reappears:) BETTY. ‘THERE IS A STORM A BREWIN’ (and exits) ALL. WATCHA DOIN’ SITTIN’ ON YOUR ASSES DON'T YA KNOW THE PRESIDENT’S CALLED THIS [ASTATE OF DISASTER ‘STORMS A BREWIN’, STORM’S A BREWIN’ WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT! (Dance break with robot and callows:) ‘ALL BUT NORBERT. WATCH OUT: STORM! °S-BREWIN' pom pom DONT, DOIT, DOT, Do TT DOIT DO IT DOIT DO IT Do IT DO Ir Do IT DOT: (At end ofthe dance break, Bety appears ontop of Pippi tale, rifing and wailing, ending with) BETTY. ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! ALL. STORM'S A BREWIN’, STORM’S A BREWIN’ WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT BECAUSE A STORMS A BREWIN’, STORM'S A BREWIN’ WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT STORM'S A BREWIN" (Song ends. “Duke” music in asthe cast dances off revealing Duke behind the wheel of aan” is face lit ominously bythe dashboard light) DUKE. Starke, Florida, here I come! 2DUKE. WATCH OUT, I'M ON FIRE TLOVE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE AND THE SOUND OF SCREECHING TIRES YM ON HER TRAIL ‘THIS HUNTER'S GOT THE SCENT AND HE WILL NOT FAIL ‘TO BAG THE PRIZE TLL SEE THROUGH EVERY DISGUISE PIPPI, GIRL, I'M PACKIN’ QUITE A SURPRISE (Disk takes whiff deeply off «cluster of Magic Markers and high-ightes taped together) ENOUGH! OF TALKIN’ TOUGH NOBODY WALKS OUT ON ME WITHOUT THINGS GETTIN' ROUGH NOW WHO'S TO BLAME? LIFE AIN'T NO GAME WHEN YOU'RE DATIN’ A HOOCHY-COOCHY DAME ‘THAT LITTLE SHE BELONGS TO ME I'M STAKIN’ CLAIM ON SOME FINE BOOTY WOMEN WALKIN’ OUT ON ME WELL THAT'S A NASTY HABIT ‘THEY'RE BOUND TO GET IN TROUBLE LIKE THIS LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT (hud. Duke accidentally hits the rabbit an freaks out.) Shit! Oh, sitt (Duke peers cout his side window to assess the damage. He takes a quick, calming whiff off his markers) IT’S JUST A LITTLE ROAD KILL HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAND STILL BOTTOM OF MY BOOT HEEL REALLY AIN'T NO BIG DEAL DON’T MEAN NO ILL WILLBUT IF YOU GET IN MY WAY, WATCH OUT (Cat meowsserecceectch) YOU'RE JUST ROAD KILL (Lin and Pickles ener dimly lis on te side of the “voad.°) ‘$0 LONG GIRLS. SO LONG! DUKE. JACKSON, MISS GIRLS. JACKSON, MISS! DUKE. STOP IN TEXARCANA FOR A BREW AND A PISS GAS IT UP GIRLS. OH, GAS IT UP DUKE. GRABBED A TWELVE PACK 0" COOLERS ‘TO FILL MY COFFEE CUP RICE AND BEANS GIRLS. SMELLIN’ MEAN DUKE. IN NEW ORLEANS GIRLS. STINKY JEANS DUKE. ‘THEN ONCE AGAIN I'M ON THE SCENE (Lin and Pickles become Dukes car headlights.) GIRLS. OHHHH DUKE and GIRLS. ROLL ANOTHER HUNDRED MILES HUFF ANOTHER PEN DUKE. NAB THAT CRITTER WITH THE JITTERS. IT’S TIME TO KILL AGAIN (Td)T'S JUST A LITTLE ROAD KILL SPLAT AGAINST MY WINDSHIELD CHICKEN-FRIED OR SPIT GRILLED. GIVES THE GIRLS A BIG THRILL JUST LIKE JACK AND JILL TUMBLIN’ DOWN THAT HILL, DUKE and GIRLS. WATCH OUT! (Tou. Duke bits somesbing lage.) DUKE. ‘THEY'RE JUST ROAD KILL POPPED A PUSS IN PENSACOLA, FLIPPED THE BIRD IN BATON ROUGE IN SARASOTA, STOPPED IN FOR SOME PORNO AND A SPOOGE ‘TALLAHASSEE. LOOKIN’ FOR SOME GOOD CLEAN FUN NABBED THAT DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS BAMBI'S DONE (Like cars whizzing by) 0000HHH. O000HHH OH! OOOHHH. on GIRLS. DOOT, DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT, DOOT yuck DOOT, DooT DOOT, DOOT OHNO AAAH! (Bete appears as “deer in the headlights,” crashed by Duke reckless driving.) LIN and PICKLES. (Sofi capella.) BAMBI’S DONE BAMBI'S DONE BAMBI'S DONE BAMBI'S DONE ... (Duke pulls up to Norbert tll booth. He srambles for cash to pay the tll.) NORBERT. You, uh ... got somethin’ on your bumper. DUKE. Oh, that? (Duse kicks the “deer” off bis “ri 1... (Norbert exits with Betty/Deer. Music back in.)DUKE. iris. JUST A LITTLE ROAD OHHHHHHHHH KILL HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAND STILL BOTTOM OF MY BOOT OHHHHHHHHH HEEL REALLY AIN'T NO BIG DEAL DUKE and GIRLS. SPLAT AGAINST MY WIND SHIELD CHICKEN-FRIED OR SPIT GRILLED. GIVES A GIRLS A BIG THRILL DUKE. BETTER TAKE YOUR PAIN PILL! GIRLS, (Screem.) ‘AAAUUUGHt! DUKE. CAUSE IF YOU GET IN MY WAY GIRLS. OH, DON’T YOU GET IN HIS WAY DUKE. DON'T YOU GET IN My WAY GIRLS. DON'T YOU NEVER, EVER GET IN HIS WAY. DUKE. "CAUSE IF YOU GET IN MY WAY WATCH OUT YOU'RE JUST ROAD KILL GIRLS. SPLAT (Song ends. Lights out on Duke. Betty enters as Lin and icles clean up the “road Hil.) BETTY. That was awful. He just drove around killin’ animals LIN. Takes me back to my days on the road with Ted Nugent. (Rim shot. Ta drummer) Thank you! (Lin exits) BETTY. Meanwhile, down at the Litter Box Show Palace .. ("Liter Box” ran- sition music in. Baty and Pickles throw on silky robes. Scene shifs to the strippers adresing room. Betty counts cas.) 6BETTYISTRIPPER #1. Well shoot, Tam havin’ a good weeks Amber PICKLES/STRIPPER #2. Me too, Amber, (Lin enters as Stripper #3.) LIN/STRIPPER #3. Hi, Amber. Hi, Amber PICKLES/AMBER and BETTY/AMBER. Hi, Amber. (There is knock on the dreing room door. LinfAmber opens it and Duke bursts in.) DUKE. Pardon the introduction, but Im lookin’ for somebody and its real importa chat I ind het. BETTY/AMBER. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sugarlump. You're not supposed to be ‘ack here. You need to eurn yourselFaround and enter the club from che other side ofthe building. PICKLES/AMBER. Yeah, this here dressing room is fr ktty-kats only: Nor for direy dogs. (Pickles makes cat-lie gestures) DUKE. Look now, I'm just tryin’ to ind this dancer, see — BETTY/AMBER. Til just bet you ar. (The ‘Ambers” gang up on Duke.) PICKLESIAMBER. You reek of permanent marker, LIN/AMBER. And yout invadin’ on my personal space. BETTY/AMBER. Now dont you make me call the club manager out of the front office. PICKLES/AMBER. His name is Leo and he’ gota real bad temper. DUKE. (“Lightbul6") Front office, huh? As in personne! files on all dhe dancers? ‘Asin .. local address and phone number? LIN/AMBER. Adu. (Opens she door for him) Beat it ass jacket. DUKE, Whar’ an ass — (LinlAmber sms the door on him. Norbere and Pippi center the desing room from the cub side, mid-argument) NORBERT. Pippi, come on now. PIPPL. Norbert, just tll me what’ g mind givin’ us some privacy? ALL THREE AMBERS. No problem, sure... (Ete They turn toward the des ing table.) PIPPI, I hear there’ Christian rock stars in the VIP. (The ‘Ambes” fll all over each other to get out) GIRLS/AMBERS. Let me ac ‘em, virgins with cash, dibs on the bas player (Et. Pippi and Norbert are left alone.) PIPPI, Norbere, what is goin! on? One minute youre beggin’ me not to lave Starke, the next were broken up. Then we get back together, but now you want to get separate motel rooms? NORBERT. I just think with the storm knockis’ out che electricity and every- body from Armadillo Acres headin’ overt the same motel its the right thing 0 do. They’ all Jeannie’ friends, ya know? ‘on. (She sees theyre not alone.) Gitls, you 47PIPPI. Well, gee. As long as Jeannie’ feelings arent hut, done go worry! about NORBERT. Pippi, you know I care about you. But what can I do? PIPPI. Norbert I been real patient with your situation, but I done have all the time in the world. lam not that young a wornan, (Norbert says nothing) Feel free to dispute that, NORBERT. (Scrambling,) Oh. Yes, you are young. And, ub, pretty ... And youite flexible — PIPPI. Norbert, the points that I'm startin’ co look ahead, And that’s noe some- thin’ Tm used co die’. But my days in this racket are numbered. Seripin’ like an all-you-can-eat waffle bat. You got to know when ro walk away. NORBERT. Pippi, if I could give you a million dollars so you wouldn't have to do this no more, dont you think I would? PIPPI. I'm not askin’ you to take care of me, Norbert. 'm just askin’ that you stop livin’ inthe past and stare thinkin’ about tomorrow: NORBERT. Its not chat simple. PIPPI. Why noc? NORBERT. Because tomorrow is my anniversary! (Beat) Ies my ewenticth. Me and Jeannie were gonna do somethin’ special. PIPPI, The Ice Capades. Oh, I know all about it I been geri’ dirty looks at the trailer park all month — as if is all my fault. Norber, did you rally think she ‘was gonna make it to that show with you? NORBERT. I dont know, maybe. Even so, I am wortied about her stayin in that trailer park all alone what withthe power and the phones still cutoff. I just ‘wanna check on her is all. I'l cll you? (Norbert exis. Pippi is left alone in the desing room.) PIPPI. Well shoot. Who knew datin’ a good man would be more trouble than datin’ an asshole? 48SONG BUT HE’S MINE / IT’S NEVER EASY PIPPI, SO WHAT IF HE’S PLAIN AND NO ROCKEFELLER, HE'S MY TALLEST STAR DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE BUT THAT IS WHAT I SEE HE'S GOT A BEAT-UP OLD CAR 1GOTTA HOLD THE DOOR CLOSED WHEN WE GO OUT ON THE TOWN IT DOESN'T BRING ME DOWN AS LONG AS 'M WITH HIM AND HE'S WITH ME, YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S DULL OR BETTER YET THAT HE'S BORING ALRIGHT HE’S NOT PERFECT BUT HE'S MINE HE IS MINE AND MINE ALONE HE'S THE ONLY ONE I DREAM ABOUT CANT BE WITHOUT ‘THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM SPECIAL CAUSE HE'S MINE HE'S GOT ALL THAT I COULD NEED MAYBE YOU DON'T THINK HE'S MUCH SO WHAT, HE'S MINE Cights dim on Pippi as she turn to finish ber makeup. Lights up on Norbert at a bar) NORBERT. Put it on my tab, (Norbert erack open a can of ben. Sing.) WHEN DID ALL THIS GET SO CRAZY ITHOUGHT 1 HAD A SIMPLE LIFE BUT MY HEART'S BEEN COMPLICATED MY HOME LIFE EVAPORATED AND MY GIRLFRIEND HAS CREATED ‘ANEW PROBLEM FOR MY WIFE TAIN'T THE FIRST IN THIS POSITION 49PEOPLE BREAK UP ALL'THE TIME BUT TWO WOMEN BROKEN-HEARTED, FROM WHAT ME AND PIPPI STARTED MAKES THE GUILT FROM WHEN I PARTED FROM MY GIRL SEEM LIKE A CRIME NOTHIN’S EASY, NOTHIN’S SAFE ‘NOTHIN’S NOT WORTH THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE HARD-PLACE AND THE ROCK SO TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT SAFE "THEN YOU'RE BOUND TO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES IT HAPPENS WITH EVERYONE. WHAT'S THE ANSWER AFTER ALL IT’S NEVER EASY (Lights out on Norbert Lights up on Jeannie in ber trailer, surrounded by bases. She olds a series of Norbert tll collector shire by candlelight.) JEANNIE. WELL NOW THAT HE'S GONE. ‘THIS TRAILER SURE IS QUIET NO MORE NIGHTTIME SNORES OR STUPID FOOTBALL SCORES NO SILLY THINGS HE DOES PLL DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO 1WON'T STAND FOR CHEATIN’ “SPECIALLY WITH THE GIRL NEXT DOOR WHAT DOES HE TAKE ME FOR? HE AIN'T THE SMARTEST ONE BUT THEN HE NEVER WAS (Geannie pauses when folding Norberts old “Ratt” Tshirt.) BUT HE WAS MINE, HE WAS MINE AND MINE ALONE ‘THE ONLY ONE I'D DREAM ABOUT COULDN'T BE WITHOUT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL HE WAS MINE. HE WAS MINE FOR ALL THOSE YEARS HE REALLY FUCKED THINGS UP BUT HE WAS MINE, YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S DUMB (Lights up om Pippi, still at her dressing table.) 50Piri. ‘OR BETTER YET THAT HE'S MARRIED. (Norbert reappear: ll three sng) PIPPI, JEANNIE and NORBERT. WELL NOBODY'S PERFECT PIPPI. JEANNIE. BUT HE’S MINE HE WAS MINE HE IS MINE HE WAS MINE NORBERT. NOTHIN'S EASY, NOTHIN'S SAFE NOTHIN’S NOT WORTH THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE CAUGHT BETWEEN THE HARD-PLACE AND THE ROCK SO TAKE IT EASY PIPPI. HE'S GOT ALL THAT I COULD NEED MAYBE YOU DON'T THINK HE'S MUCH JEANNIE. SURE HE'S SLEEPING WITH SOME SLUT PIPPI and JEANNIE SOME MIGHT SAY WHO CARES, SO WHAT Bur Pret JEANNIE. HE IS MINE, HE WAS MINE NORBERT: IT'S NEVER EASY (Song end. Ligh out on Pippi. Norbert and Jeannie. Lights up on Armada Acres Bey enters with her suits.) BETTY. Come on, Girl! The power’ sill our and we gotta get to the mocel before it gets too dark! (Pickle enters, carrying her suitcase and a stuffed animal ‘She alo wears a baby rate around ber neck) PICKLES. Tm movin’ as fast as I can. Between the dancin’ and the ‘workin’ atthe flan stand, Ian’ never held down so many iiggin' obs. BETTY, Pickles, we'te not really workin’ all these jobs. PICKLES. Were nov? BETTY. No. We'e just helpin’ tll the cory. PICKLES. Oh. (Pickles is ute confused.) What? BETTY, Never mind, Il explain io ya later In the meantime, we gota find Lin. LIN. (Ofitage.) Noooooo00000000! (Lin rushes on with her suitcase and a piece and pri st‘of paper) They di it They finally kilt my Earl BETTY and PICKLES. No! Thats terible .. (Et.) LIN. The prison found out about the power bein’ out so they flipped the switch ‘on OF Smokey while they still had the juice! PICKLES. Thats so sneaky. LIN. Ya know there was a time when a series of sexual favors actually meant somethin’ to a governor. (She crumple the piece of paper and toss i.) SONG ‘THAT'S WHY I LOVE MY MAN LIN. SINCE THE POKEY BECAME MY HUSBAND'S HOME 1 ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME BETTY. WHEN A TRAILER PARK WOMAN'S MAN GETS FRIED PICKLES. IT’S HARD TO LET GO OF YOUR ONLY ONE LIN. (Spoten.) Only one? Honey .. (Sing) HE WAS A BEER-GUZZLIN’, PORNO-WATCHIN,, ASS- SCRATCHIN’, STRIPPER-SCREWIN’ ANYTHING THAT'S MOVIN’, DOIN MAN! PICKLES. (Spoten.) But, Linoleum, you'e gonna have to live without the ‘sweet, sweet lovin’ of your one true ching! LIN, Honey, when you'r husband's on death row, you're “one true thing” comes ‘with batteries. I chink I'm gonna like my freedom ... (Sings) MY HUSBAND IN JAIL, GOT HIM OUTTA MY HAIR ‘THOUGH IT SUCKED WHILE I WAS WAITIN’ FOR THE DAY HE GOT THE CHAIR RUNNIN’ HOUSE TO HOUSE CAN MAKE YOU SUCH A BITCH JUST TO WIND UP IN A BLACK-OUT WITH EARL GETTIN’ THE SWITCH TLL THINK OF HIM FONDLY ‘ON ROMANTIC NIGHTS 52WHEN MY NEW BOYFRIEND TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN UN. HE HAD A BITCHIN' TAN, GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN LN. HE NEVER JOINED THE KLAN GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN LN. HIS TRIAL WAS ON C-SPAN TM THAT ELECTRIC CHAIR'S BIGGEST FAN GIRLS. THAT'S WHY I LOVE MAN PICKLES. (Spoken) Ilove my man, too. He bought me all these fancy presents for the baby. He's away doin’ dinner theatre. (Betty and Lin share a “ook.") T'S HARD TO DESCRIBE ‘AMAN’S LOVE IN TERMS OF SIZE EVEN HARDER IF YOU JUDGE HIM WHEN HE CANNOT FERTILIZE I THINK THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS HAVIN’ KIDS SOI OPEN MY COOKIE JAR AND THROW AWAY THE LID PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT FOR MY SPECIAL GROOM SOMETIMES WE DO IT IN SEPARATE ROOMS LIN. (Spokenideadpan.) Oh ry gay hel. GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN PICKLES. TAM HIS BIGGEST FAN GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN PICKLES. HE STARRED IN PETER PAN,GIRLS. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN. PICKLES, JUST ASK MY GRANDMA FRAN HIS BUDDIES CALL HIM DANCER DAN, GIRLS. ‘THAT'S WHY I LOVE MY MAN BETTY. (Spoken,) Oh honey, I know all about goin’ without. (Sing) MY MAN'S GONE TO THAT. MOBILE HOME IN THE SKY HE LEFT ALL THIS TO ME ‘THE DAY HE DIED SOME DAYS | WISH I HAD HIM BACK AND SO HE'S BURIED UNDER GIRLS. BETTY. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN PICKLES and LIN, ‘SHE WHACKED HIM WITH A PAN BETTY. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN PICKLES and LIN. DUG UP HIS GRAVE BY HAND BETTY. YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN PICKLES and LIN. SIX FEET BENEATH THE SAND. GIRLS. ‘THERE AIN'T NOBODY BETTER THAN YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN WE TOOK THIS SONG AND RAN YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN WITH KUDOS TO THE BAND YOU KNOW I LOVE MY MAN WE GOT NO OTHER PLANS BESIDES WE KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND ‘THAT'S WHY I LOVE MY MAN (he Gk pick up ther suitcases and exit as Duke enters looking around. He randomly 94Ienocks om trailer door — Jeannie: She opens its boing a large cam of beer.) JEANNIE. Yes DUKE, Pardon the introduction, but Im hopin’ to locate an old fiend o! mine and I vas tld by her employer that she lives here at Armadillo Actes. JEANNIE. Oh, that's sweet. Hold stil. Jeannie proceeds to drain her drink, When shes done, she explain) Vm goin through a divorce. Well, more like a separation, ‘but I chink the time has come to leave this all behind. Do you got aca? DUKE, Pontiac Grand Am, American-made, high five. (A spsy Jeannie leaves Duke’ high five “banging,” much to his disappointment.) JEANNIE, ‘That's good, because it just so happens that 'm lookie! for trailer hitch up. You think you can tow me? DUKE. (Asissing her sailer) Tow you where? JEANNIE. I'm not sure. Which trailer park does Brivany Spears lve in? DUKE. How "bout I make a deal with you? I'll ake you anywhere’ you want berween here and Oklahoma City if you can tell me somethin’ about a gil named Pippi JEANNIE. Pippi? (Laughs,) Ob, I can cell you somethin’ about a girl named Pippi. She’ doin’ my husband. Hows that for somethin’ “bout a gel named Pig DUKE. Excuse me? Pippi is slepin’ with a married man? That tar Which one of these trailers she live in? Tell met You tell me right now! JEANNIE. Tam not gonna tll you anything until you gain some personal con- trol — (Dike whips ut his gun. Jeannie quickly complies) Across the way: Doors usualy open. DUKE. You stay right where you are. (Duke runs overto Pippi trailer goes inside, then rans back out) She ain home. Whereis she? (Points gun.) Where is she?! JEANNIE, I dont know. DUKE. Come on, now, tell me! Ifshe's doin! your husband and I can take care ‘of her right nice. Nothin’ sweeter than revenge, babydoll. Nothin! sweeter than that REE-V ... (Duke gets confused trying t spell) JEANNIE. ... E-N-G-E? DUKE, Just tell me where she ist JEANNIE. (Flutered.) I sweat. dont know where she is. DUKE. Olay, okay. No worties. (He takes out an aerosol can of cooking spray and takes a buff) Ke ain't gonna be that hard to find Pippi. ‘Cause I know where she lives. (Te the can to Jeannie) Help yourself while I tll you the plan. (On « roll) First, get me allie R and R at a local motel. Once refreshed, I come back here, wait for Pippi and your sumbitch husband, shoot ‘em right between che ‘eyes, se her place on fire, rll the bodies in a ditch and you and me ride off into 35= the sunset. Am I good ot what? JEANNIE. I think I'm havin’ second thoughts about that roadtrip. DUKE. Come on, babydoll, relax. Frankie says “rela.” Hy, let you and me get some mote beer and ammo. (Duke grabs Jeannie by the hand and pulls her down the step. Jeanne panier) JEANNIE, No, No! can! cart go for drinks with you and I eanteave with you tonight. I gotta be inside. (Poms to her slppered fet.) Indoor shoe! Indoor shoes! (Se tries torn back inside, but Duke blocks her path, mistaking her panic as rejection.) DUKE. Donie you jerk me around. Iam tired o' women jerkin’ me around! ‘Youte comin’ with me! (They wrestle ni she gets him inthe eyes with he cooking sprax) Cooking, spray! Aauughh! Shit! You know what? Fuck allyl! 'm gonna shoot up this whole trailer park and everybody in i and ies all your fault! (Ceannie cower, cooking spray sil posed for attack if necesary) And you cant stop sme ‘cause I know where you live. And I know where Pippi ives: And I gota case- load of that there cooking spray, because I... am a member... of Costco! (Duke proudly displays bis “Costeo” card. Slow building, hard-rocking version of Duke ‘music ashe ext, Jeannie rans to er door, but finds it lacked from the inde) JEANNIE. Oh no. Oh not SONG PANIC JEANNIE. HEARTBEAT, PULSE RACE GOTTA STAY TUCKED IN MY SAFE LITTLE PLACE BUT THE SWEATING AND THE SHAKING REMINDS ME THERE MAY BE SOME LIVES FOR THE TAKING TONIGHT (Geanne collapses onto her porch) MY KNEES WEAK, FEEL THE ROOM SPIN CAN'T MOVE AND THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN WHAT CAN I DO TO SAVE MY NEIGHBORS FROM THE GURNEY LIKE A LIFETIME TV MOVIE. AND I'M MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY STARRING IN PANIC, I FEEL PANIC 56AN ATTACK OF THE MOST SERIOUS KIND I FEEL PANIC, IT’S SATANIC THIS SITUATION IS PLAYING ‘TRICKS WITH MY MIND. MY NERVES ARE FRAYED MY TEETH START TO GRIND. JUST LIKE WHITNEY HOUSTON FEELS IN THE CUSTOMS LINE LIKE A ROUNDTRIP TICKET ON THE TITANIC 1GOT PANIC (Lights out on Jeannie, struggling again with her door. Lights up on Pippi inthe Liter Bax Show Palace dressing room, and Pickles as Tina at the mall in flanwear:) TINA. (On phone.) Pippi, its Tina! Omygod, youre gonna die, you're just gonna die! Cletus Fingerhut, who's friends with Tyrone Chernoverz, who's friends with Duke came to the flan stand, He’ all ike, “Duke called Tyrone from Statke, Florida!” And I was all ike “What?” He was all lke, “Duke found Pippil” And I was all like, “What!” And he was all like, “Duke found Pippi ‘And I was all like, “What?” And he was all like, “Tina, what's your problem? ‘You never pay attention” And I was all like “lm on my period, Cletus, whats your prob —" PIPPI. (Cutting her off) Tina! Get to the point. TINA. Duke found you! He’ in Starke. He's gonna set ire to that trailer park and all the folks inside it PIPPL. Ob no. TINA. So when I was ll lke “Pippi, youte gonna de! You'e just gonna die!” I meant it, Pippi. You're gonna dic. (Hysterical, as if Pippis already dead.) ‘OhmyGod! OhmyGod, Pippi! I love you so much! (Lights out on Tina and a borrified Pippi. Lights up again on Jeannie stil locked out of er trailer) JEANNIE. LOOK AT YOU WHAT A PATHETIC MESS IT’S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A STYLISH DRESS STUCK IN TIME JUST LIKE CHER AND YOU BEEN WALKIN ’ROUND. WITH SUZANNE SOMERS’ HAIR. GOTTA END THIS AGORAPHOBIC ‘TRAILER PARK NIGHTMARE IT’S TIME TO BREAK THIS PRISON SENTENCE. AND JOIN THE WORLD OUT THERE 7BUT I FEEL PANIC | FEEL PAAAAAAAAAAAAANIC I FEEL PANIC, PANIC, PANIC, PANIC PANIC, PANIC, PANIC, PANIC, PANIC SOMEBODY STOP THIS PANIC! (Song ends. Black-out. Light up on Jeannie, stil stuck on her pore, but now huff ing the cooking spray Duke lef behind. Pippi enters) PIPPI. Jeannie ipp Oh, Pippi, I gor locked outside my trailer ‘cause this eazy guy came lookin’ for you and — PIPPI. know, if Duke. And he fxin’ eo shoot up this entire trailer park 50 now would be a rally good time for you to get on outta here. JEANNIE. I gotta be inside. Pippi, can I come inside your trailer? PIPPI. Jeannie, 'm serious. I know Duke, and you do not wanna mess with him ‘when hes been shoppin’ at Costco. JEANNIE. But I get these awful panic attacks and — PIPPI, Jeannie! We do not have time for this. You can stay or you can go. It’s your choice, but me? I gotea go pack. (Pippi turns to go into her trailer.) JEANNIE. Youre leavin’? You bring that psycho crary man into our trailer park and then you leave? PIPPI. Look. If leave, Duke will follow. And I can handle him better than yl. JEANNIE. Bue what if youre wrong? What if he don't follow you? PIPPI. Well, gee, Jeannie. Thanks for bein’ concerned about my well-bea!. I {guess noone’s gonna miss the town slut so how ‘bout I just rake one for the team and yaill don't have to bother sayin’ thanks. JEANNIE, ‘Thanks? Thanks for what? Blowin’ into Starke and blowin’ every- thing insight? (Pippi drops her bag) PIPPI. Easy, Jeannie. (The Girls enter with heir suitass still hand.) GIRLS. I cannot believe we havenit gotten to that motel, we'e gonna miss check-in .. (Et) JEANNIE. Oh, Berry, thank God. I gor locked ourea my trailer: Do you have a spare key? BETTY. Sure, hon. I always carry the master: (Betty takes out the Master Key for Jeannie) PIPPI. Not so fast (Pipi rps the hey ou of Bettys hand.) BETTY. Hey, give me that key! PIPPI. No, I got somethin’ co say, Beny. (To Jeannie.) Let me tell you wha — (Pippi surns tothe ther Girl) No, let me tll yall what. I have been on my own since the ag of sixteen, woman. Takin’ care of myself, by myself. See, I don't have 58fiends to go run my errands for me or a husband to take care of me. JEANNIE. Husband?! Why get your own husband when you can just steal somebody else's? LIN, Ooh, snap. Did you hear that? (The Girls murmur and sete infor the fire- Seems hed rather go two-steppin’... (Indicates Jeannies crazy) .. than twelve-steppin? (The Girls are amused by this one.) JEANNIE. You wanna sce crazy? Jus step in alittle close, Pi crazy. (Pipi sauntes over to Jeannie.) PIPPI. I aise afraid 0! crary, Jeannie. I been doin’ crazy my whole life. So T hardly chink 'm gonna be intimidated by a woman who wouldn't so much as step outside her own front door while her man’s out with another woman paincin’ the town red JEANNIE. More like painting the town red neck. (The Girls murmur louder. Norbert runs in.) NORBERT. Jeannie! Jeannie, I gotta talk to you. (He sees Pipi and Jeannie star- ing each other down.) Oh hell. (Pippi looks over her shoulder at Norbers, then back to Jeannie. She shen place: her bigh els deliberately on Jeannie’ porch step.) GIRLS. Uh-oh, gettin’ ugly... Etc) NORBERT, Oh no. Not the step .. (Jeannie shoves Pippi. The Girls vocally react. Pippi pushes Jeannie and the Girls react moe. Jeannie and Pippi lane at each other Excited instrumentation of "Storms a Brewin” comes in as they sumble into the Gearsecki trailer and brawl. The trailer shakes lke crazy — glass breaks, fir flies. Then, suddenly) PICKLES. Helpt! Help! Oh God, help! (Music out.) You're not gonna believe this, bur I think I'm really havin’ a baby! Pandemonium. Everyone gathers around Pickles, shouting all as once. They huddle around er, continuing tel until we hear «4 baby cry. Everyone clears to reveal Pickles very black bay held by Betty) BETTY. Pickles, you got somethin’ you wanna tll us? PICKLES. (Famocent.) That aint mine. LIN. Well ie didnit come out of my vagina. (Pendemonium ensues again as every ‘one shouts at everyone, until... Gunshot. Everyone stops. Duke stands there, gum pointed at all of them.) PIPPI. Duke! DUKE. Thats right. And I am here to take you down. (Everyone takes out their individual guns and aims at Duke.) Mine's loaded. (Everyone puts their guns atoay chatting uncontrollably) Vas in charge, now! Lam in control (Everyone shuts up.) PIPPI. Duike, come on. Put che gun down. You dani even know how to use it. Pil show you 59DUKE. No. Only this sleazoid for takin’ away the woman I lovel (Dusk aims at Norbert) JEANNIE. Not (Lights change: chaos in slow motion: Jeannie rans out of he raler and thous herelf in font of Norbert. Due shoot Jeannie fal tothe ground.) NORBERT. Jeannie? Jeannie, say something, Say something, Jeannie! JEANNIE. I'm okay, im okay. I just tripped. NORBERT, Thank God. (Norbert hugs Jeannie tight. They make ther way back spon ther fet.) PICKLES. Well, if she’ okay and he shot the gun ... (Sound of metal breaking and falling.) BETTY. You shot my satelite dish! Somebody's gonna have to pay for that. PIPPL. Great. There goes my secuiry depos DUKE. Hey, why you gota be like that I can pay for things. I can take cae of us. PIPPI. Oh please! There was never bill I didn pay. Never a dish I didnt wash. ‘And dont even get me started on havin’ to sing you to sleep like youire some kinda toddler. DUKE. Hey, now: You know I can only fll asleep co that one sweet lullaby. Is ‘what my mama used to sing ¢o me every night when I was litle. (Sing senti- ‘mentaly) “The Devil went down to Georgia, he was! — JEANNIE. (Joining him.) “Lookin fora soul to steal... He was ina bind DUKE, “’Cause he was way behind..." JEANNIE and DUKE. “And he was willin’ ro make a deal” DUKE. Mama? JEANNIE. Elvis Aaron Garstecki?! (Dike takes nis real name.) DUKE. Yes, ma'am! (Duke and Jeannie embrace. Norbert steps forward.) NORBERT. (Dumbfounded.) Holy ... Ham... Sammitches. DUKE. Icall makes sense to me now. Why the fates and my out-of-control tem per conspired to bring me here. BETTY. But where have you been forall these years? DUKE. I was taken from this her tler park when I was just a young’n. (Lights Shift Someone play a soft harmonica.) Ic wasnt technically a kidnapping since they first thought I was a dog. Hence the name Duke. They were sure surprised and pleased as punch when I stopped drinkin’ outta the rile and stated makin’ in it instead. They gave me losa love and everything was just great. Until that ‘one day. (Harmonica out.) They tld me they wanted to raise me a8 a... a8 (He can barely utter...) Negetaian! (Everyone GASPS! Lin cross berelf and Betty coves the baby ears.) A man leams a lot about himself when he's facing a furure without Bacon Bits, So I hightaled ic outta there I lived in the woods and sur- vived on nothin’... (Shy points to his bead.) But my own wits. 60LIN. Talk about roughia! i DUKE. When I gor back into the real world, I was deeply scarred. Tir bis paren) Until now. (Norbert and Jeannie rsh in fora ful-fumily bug.) PICKLES. So, if Norbert is Duik’ father, and Norbert slept with Pippi and Pippi slepe with Duke .. Avy shake i off (Everyone share a clletoe, verbal gress.) Hows i fecl ro be outta your taller? JEANNIE, Well... Tbeen out for about five minutes, I got in my frst catfight “almost got shot by a freaked out drifter who turned out ro be my long-lost son, who it curns out was slepin’ with my husband's mistress before she moved is next door and started sleepin’ with him ... Oh my God. (Jeannie rans toward her trailer The Girk sop ber) BETTY. Jeannie, theres no denyin’ things out here get messy, bur you ‘woulda stuck around Armdillo Aces this long if there was somethin’ ral good about ie JEANNIE. Well... that. And the fact that your husband’s corpse is buried in my back yard. (Betty puts her arm around Jeanie.) BETTY. Such a good friend. (Betty and Jeannie embrace, The electricity comes ‘back on. A clock strikes twelve.) LLIN. Great. Now the electricity comes back on. (Weep) I tied, Eat tried. PICKLES. Hey, its midnight! BETTY. Happy anniversary, Jeannie and Norbert. Jeannie and Norbert lok at ‘one another — rheya all but forgotten.) You did say you wanted to celebrate out- side your ealer, en just sayin’... (The Gir exit) JEANNIE. Duke, why donit you come inside and I'l fix you something to eat DUKE. Yes, malam, (Jeannie and Duke turn toward the tale) NORBERT. Jeannie, I dont deserve half o' what you done for me here tonight. [Not even half o' half And please believe me when Tell you that if could erase everything thats happened over the past month, I woul. JEANNIE. I woulda. NORBERT. For whatever it worth, I would realy lke a second chance with you. JEANNIE. I donit know; Norbert. 'm thinkin’ what you really need ... (80s “flashback msc fom before. “Wink wink") Is alte help with your Geometry homework. (Norbert smiles knowingly Jeannie smiles back.) DUKE. Whys Dad need help with geometry? JEANNIE. Just go inside, baby. leannie and Duke exit into the Garsteci trailer. [Norbert follows, then stops. He remembers someone else. He turn t Pippi, who sim- ‘ply holds up ber hand.)SONG FINALE PIPPI. THIS AIN'T NEW, NOT'TO ME ‘THIS AIN'T UNCHARTERED TERRITORY NOTTO ME (Pippi blows Norbert a ks. He catches it tenderly and exits into his tile) GOT MY EYES OPENED WIDE ITAIN'T OFTEN THIS GIRL SWALLOWS HER PRIDE WELL THANKS FOR THE RIDE I.GOTTA LEAVE AND LIVE MY LIFE ON MY OWN DON'T NEED A MAN TO FACE THE UNKNOWN IT’S TIME TO SLIP ON MY HIGHEST HEELS AND RAISE MY HEAD ABOVE ‘THIS BACK BREAKIN’, HEART-ACHIN' FORSAKEN LOVE T.WANNA MAKE LIKE THIS DAY NEVER HAPPENED. TWANNA MAKE LIKE THE PAIN I FEEL IS GONE I GOTTA MAKE MYSELF STRONG AND MOVE AWAY FROM WHAT'S WRONG TGOTTA MAKE LIKE A NAIL AND PRESS ON I.GOTTA MAKE LIKE A NAIL AND PRESS ON (Pippi exits into her trailer. Jeannie comes out, cleaned up. She carves her “Frankie Say Rela” Fshirt, er remote contr, et.) JEANNIE. IS THIS OVER, IS THIS DONE IS ‘THERE SOME TROPHY THING ‘THAT I SHOULD HAVE WON. ‘THIS STRUGGLE’S NEVER DONE DIDI FALL, DID | HIDE DID I MEAN TO CUT OFF ‘THE WOMAN INSIDEAND HURT THOSE BY MY SIDE (Ceannie towes her items into the garbage, one by one.) I NEED TO FACE EVERY FEAR I'VE EVER BEEN FRIGHTENED OF AND CRUSH ALL OBSTACLES I MUST RISE ABOVE EVEN OPRAH CAN'T MAKE OVER ‘THE MESS I'VE BECOME IT IS UP TO ME, THERE'S NO TIME TO BE LIVIN’ LIFE DEAF BLIND AND DUMB 1. CANNOT MAKE LIKE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENED ICANNOT MAKE LIKE I DIDN'T LET THINGS GO WRONG 1GOTTA MAKE THE MOST OF THE TIME PVE GOT LEFT ON THIS EARTH IGOTTA MAKE LIKE A NAIL AND PRESS ON IGOTTA MAKE LIKE A NAIL AND PRESS ON (Pippi comes ou, suitcase packed, looking ls flashy than when she fist arrived.) Purl. LIKE THE PHOENIX WHO ROSE FROM THE ASHES (Norbert and Elvis [Duke] come ous in matching toll-olletor shins, Elvis toes his ‘markers inthe trash) NORBERT and ELVIS. LIKE LAZARUS COMIN’ BACK FROM THE GRAVE JEANNIE, PIPPI, NORBERT and ELVIS. I REJOIN THE HUMAN RACE WITH A PASSION AND GRACE JEANNIE and PIPPI. NORBERT and ELVIS. ‘AND I'M PROUD TO BE TM PROUD TO BE THE WOMAN I AM ‘THE MAN THAT [AM (The Girls enter. Pickles holds her baby lovingly.) ALL. (Add girs) YES 1AM (The Girls gospel “Aaah” under the fllowing:) PIPPI. I WANNA MAKE LIKE THIS DAY NEVER HAPPENED 6JEANNIE. 1 CANNOT MAKE LIKE THIS DAY NEVER HAPPENED, PIPPI. I WANNA MAKE LIKE THE PAIN I FEEL IS GONE JEANNIE. I CANNOT MAKE LIKE THINGS DIDN'T GO WRONG ALL, TOMORROW IS A PLACE WHERE I WANT TO BELONG JEANNIE, PIPPI, NORBERT and DUKE. TWILL ALL. ‘MAKE LIKE A NAIL JEANNIE, PIPPI, NORBERT and ELVIS. PLEASE PRAY I DON’T FAIL, I WILL ALL. ‘MAKE LIKE A NAIL PIPPI. AND PRESS ON, JEANNIE. TWILL PRESS ON (Black out) End of ShowBOWS — THIS SIDE OF THE TRACKS (REPRISE) ALL. ‘WELL IT’S WHAT WE CALL HOME BE IT LAND OR SEA OR FOAM AND WE GOT NO NEED TO ROAM FAR FROM THIS SIDE, THIS SIDE OF THE GIRLS. JEANNIE, NORBERT, PIPPI and DUKE. ‘TRACKS ‘THIS SIDEOFTHE THIS SIDE OF THE | ‘TRACKS ‘TRACKS THIS SIDEOFTHE THIS SIDE OF THE ‘TRACKS TRACKS ‘THIS SIDE OF THE ‘TRACKS ALL ‘THIS SIDE OF THE TRA-A-AAACKS!PROPERTY LIST ‘ce Capades tickets (NORBERT) Mail, eile key (BETTY, PIPPD) Suitcase (PIPPD, Schoolbooks, geometry book, wedding veil and bouquet (JEANNIE) Baby in blue blanket (JEANNIE) Bassinet (NORBERT) Index car (LIN) Dollar bills MEN.” PIPPI) Cowboy hat, lei (PIPPD) Flowers (NORBERT) Calendar, prom dress, water wings (JEANNIE) Piece of paper (BETTY) Postcard (PICKLES) Phonebook size volume (LIN) Flan hac (PICKLES/TINA) ‘Map of Florida, gun (DUKE) Phone (PIPPI) Life vst, string JEANNIE) Hand-held microphone (BETTY) Bag (JEANNIE, NORBERT) Bags, clothing (PIPPI) Sparkly blue bra (PIPPI, NORBERT) Jacket JEANNIE, NORBERT) Farrah Fawcett wig JEANNIE) Rabbit (DUKE) Cash (DUKE, BETTY) ‘Makeup (PIPPI) Beer (NORBERT) Norbert’ uniforms, Rate Tshirt (JEANNIE) Suitcases (THE GIRLS) Stuffed animal, baby ratte (PICKLES) Picce of paper (LIN) Beer (EANNIE) ‘Aerosol can of cooking spray (DUKE, JEANNIE) Costco card (DUKE) ‘Master key (BETTY, PIPPI) Black baby (BETTY, PICKLES) Guns (ALL) Tshirt, remove control (EANNIE)Low thunder ‘Shopping mall Musik Dreamy transition music Glass breaking ‘Thunder lap Cat meow/screeeech, Rim shot drumbeat Gunshot ‘Metal breaking and falling Harmonica music (Clock strikes 12