What Every Family Needs

The cool breeze from the window tried in vain to blow away her tears. This wasn't the
first time Lily's parents were vehemently arguing, and it broke her teenage heart more every time
they did. She worried about her mom becoming more hard and resentful and her dad pulling
even further from their family. But Lily cried hardest imagining her future family. So many
people were now getting divorces, not marrying, or even redefining marriage and family to a
lower standard. Is it even possible to have a loving family anymore? she sobbed. No answer
came and her weeping went on unabated.
It's unrealistic to say families should not have hardships or challenges, the diversity of
individuals makes trying times a given in life. But high divorce rates ("Marriage and Divorce"),
low marital birth rates (Ellis and Monte), and the wide diversity of family types being promoted
(Columbia Law School) suggest the traditional family is struggling for survival. The solution to
broken and breaking homes is not in laws or programs. The traditional family is struggling
because family members are forgetting the principles which best strengthen individuals and
families. The real solution has to be found in and by people.
Given the diversity of families we see today. It can seem difficult to agree what 'family'
really means. Arlie Hochschild, a professor emerita of sociology at the University of California,
Berkeley, argues that despite differences of opinion on the family structure, we shouldn't dismiss
the good the family does.The first step, she says, is to put the basic issue of the family back
on the table. I am referring not to 'family values'the affirmation of one kind of familybut to
the value of the well-being of the family. While our nation is increasingly split between left and
right, those on both sides probably agree that its good for children to find in their families a
sympathetic ear for their problems, a healthy lifestyle, encouragement for school work, and a

mood of relative harmony. We could agree on the value of family (Hochschild 43). Not only can
that agreement on the importance of family be made, but it should. Knowing the significance of
families is fundamental to creating them.
The question then arises about countless problems families have with themselves and the
world at large. The ideal family does not always have clear blue skies and smooth sailing. This
reality can be very daunting for anyone considering marriage and family life for themselves.
Indeed the American Psychological Association's recording of America's forty to fifty percent
divorce rate is a red-flag with flashing lights and surround-sound ("Marriage and Divorce").
The family's struggle is being discussed globally. In Australia many studies have been
done on the family. Anne Hollonds, the director of the Australian Institute of Family Studies
highlighted the effects of poor family experiences on children. Adverse experiences and
disrupted family relationships can diminish our capacity for resilience and compromise the
development of children, contributing to poorer outcomes in later life (Hollonds 3). The
combination of adverse experiences and disrupted families can be detrimental to children. How
then can families who are experiencing adverse conditions avoid harming the children?
It's been said that money makes the world go 'round. When parents have wealth or the
means to support and educate themselves and their children they do better. Thus equality in the
realm of finances can produce better families. While referencing a 2007 UNICEF report
Hochschild associated free-markets societies specifically with children doing poorly. The study
compared children with regard to their material well-being, health, education, family and peer
relations, risks they encounter, and their subjective well-being. The highest ratings for overall
child well-being went to the Netherlands and Scandinavia, which tax the rich, regulate
commerce, and provide public services such as paid parental leavethat is, they do not pursue

free-market policies. The lowest overall ranking went to the nations that dothe United States
and the United Kingdom. Both ranked in the bottom third for five of the six key dimensions of
child well-being. Among the countries studied, the United States ranked dead last on child
poverty and ranked next to last in 'family and peer relations' and 'behaviors and risks,' the latter
of which includes the likelihood of a child skipping breakfast, becoming fat, smoking pot, or
getting pregnant (Hochschild 43). It may initially seem unrelated , but a nation's children are
affected by the unwise use of money.
Whatever happened to linking child well-being to parental well-being? True the study
shows economic correlation to children. But is the structure of a country's business system the
only factor to a child's character? The rising generations are shaped by a lot more than money.
For people to rise out of poverty something more than money must be part of the equation.
Parents are a direct factor in child well-being. Historically men and fathers were seen as
'head of the house,' 'in charge,' 'superior.' Feminism has chased that sociology into extinction and
many men have taken a back seat to watch women accomplish what used to be forbidden to
them. Do the additional rights of women supersede what was once known as the role of men and
fathers? In 2013 Dr Lisa Wood and Estee Lambin of The University of Western Australia
researched studies to find if fathers and father figures effect children's well-being. Recent
research also highlights that fathers play a distinct (as in different to mothers) and integral role in
childrens sociali[z]ation. For example, a US study of parental involvement during the transition
from childhood to adolescence found that the social time (time with parents in the presence of
others) that teenagers spent with fathers was significantly associated with increased social
competence (eg social skills, effective social interactions), but the same effect was not observed
for mothers (Lambin and Wood 2). Fathers contribute a lot to children's social skills; the very

thing Hochschild criticized the free-market for doing.

But to have a good father is very difficult with so many family arrangements and
dynamics of family life styles today. In an interview by Louise France, Dr. Peggy Drexler, an
author and assistant professor of psychology in psychiatry, Weill Medical College, Cornell
University, and former gender scholar at Stanford University pointed out how many nuclear
families are weak. [H]ow many kids have good relations with their father? There is an
assumption that there is the ideal family and that it works. But that family is a figment of our
imagination. To set it up as an ideal is to ignore the fact that a lot of these families do not work
and that there are a lot of well-established single-mother families out there' (France). Many
children with a father in the home do not have a good relationship with him. But Drexler also
recognized that a husband and wife can make a great team. 'It's easier with two,' she
acknowledges. 'But only if you are getting along and there is a synergy between you' (France).
The scary thought of disunity and divorce is keeping people from embracing marriage. But her
comment about two-parent families being great makes me wonder if at its best the nuclear family
is best for both children and adults (Family).

Why thenif the nuclear family can be so goodare divorce rates so high and marriage
rates lower than during the Great Depression? (Olson). Children are now growing up seeing
unstable relationships between their parents and in society. Certainly this situation insinuates
more societal problems. As psychologist and marriage and family counselor Marie HartwellWalker wrote, Children really do learn what they live. Not having the perspective of older
people, they consider whatever their family is like as their 'normal' (Hartwell-Walker). If more
children are seeing separated/conflicting parents of course there will be an increased number of
struggling families in the next generation; what children perceive they tend to follow.
What does it take for people to change the direction of their lives and the lives of their
children? What is missing from marriages and families today? Hochschild suggested laws and
programs be used to fix the problem quickly (Hochschild 47). But seeds don't sprout from the
outside-in nor do trees reach maturity in a day. The things that last the longest (like the earth)
take a long time to create. For fathers and mothers to have a natural impact on their children it

has to come slow and steadily from the heart. Parents need to be committed and unified. As one
family counselor said about the decision to marry, [T]he more that we commit, the more that we
love to commit, the more we can build that unity faster and start a family unit and learn those
lessons that are invaluable from starting families (Hawes). Nothing can replace what is learned
by having a family, but there must be real unity and unending commitment.
Lily's fears and longings are felt by many youth. But perhaps what these children long for
most each time their parents fight is deeper than contention's cessation. Despite all the hardships
and heartaches of life, families have survived. The key to a loving family is more than laws or
money. Fathers, mothers, and children need love (Hartwell-Walker). Love is what Lily yearns
for. Love (different from being in love) binds families together by anchoring in two things: 'I
love you no matter what' and 'I'll do what is right no matter what.' Romance is a beautiful part of
marriage and it is strengthened and magnified by this strong, pure love.
Having a good family doesn't mean avoiding problems or doing wonders. A good family
is about loving and working together. When someone in the family doesn't love the others that
doesn't mean the others have or will fail. Times of trial, especially over many years, are when
love can be proven and found stronger than any other mental or material object. Yes, to have pure
love takes a lot, but families ...need / All the love you can give / Every day of your life / For as
long as you live (Hammerstein and Rodgers lines 9-12). The high price of pure love is worth the
immeasurable joy and strength which that love carries on for generations. Whether trust is
lacking between a mother and her child, siblings can't stop fighting, or a husband and wife have
grown apart, love is the key.

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