Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made How this

to what I initially
change impacts
wrote: (ie, the
my paper:
change[s] I made to
column 1)

Title: Same Topic,

Different Aspect

Crystal! This title is

suuuuuuuper-boring,
don't you think? Get
me jazzed about
your WP2! Also, and
more importantly,
it's not specific -- it
doesn't key me in on
what your paper is
all about.

I changed the title to a

more catchy title and
included an idea of
what my paper is
going to be about

To get an even better

picture of this topic,
MTV published an
article on The
Connection Between
Teen Pregnancy and
Substance Abuse.

I think you're
missing a chance to
end this sentence
with a "which
helped me
understand/consider.
.."

I explained how MTV

would be able to
provide another point
of view on this topic

With the first two

articles being
scholarly articles,
they follow the usual
abstract, introduction,
methods, result,

Crystal, I'd like

more direction here:

I explained why the

structure of each genre
is what it is and how it
helps the readers

You're mentioning a
casual tone, and I'm
wondering OK, so

Title: Who Said Pop

Culture Cant Be
Informative

To get an even better

picture of this topic,
MTV published an
article on The
Connection Between
Teen Pregnancy and
Substance Abuse,
which provides the
audience with a reallife case of how drugs
can take a toll on
someones life.

Because scholarly

Initially, my
title was bland
and didnt really
hook readers,
but my new title
kind of creates
an attitude that
would make
readers want to
see how I can
show pop
culture being
informative
This change
allows for my
readers to see
why a nonacademic article
could give them
a different point
of view that.
Just saying that
the article can
provide them a
better picture
might confuse
them as to how
thats possible
and why the
scholarly article
cant achieve it
I think this
change makes
my statement
more specific
and I have a
reason for why

discussion, and
references template
while the MTV article
is more casual with
straight-to-the-point
information.

what?

articles are hard to

read, they follow the
usual abstract,
introduction, methods,
result, discussion, and
references structure
for readers to
gradually get a better
understanding of the
study while the MTV
article is more casual
with straight-to-thepoint information
allowing the readers to
get the story quickly.

these articles are

the way they
are. I think this
helps the
audience answer
the so what,
who cares
question. It also
gives the
readers an idea
of what the
purpose of each
article is.

This is a little vague

and also confusing.
What author? And
what study? And
what findings?

I talked about who the

author was, what she
was summarizing, and
why it matters in the
paper

(Why are you

bringing in this
information?
How/why does it
help support your
argument?)

The author of the

MTV article simply
summarized the
findings of another
study regarding the
use of drugs amongst
teenagers and how it
applies to the show.

In the new
writing, I was
more specific
with who I was
talking about
and what
findings I was
referencing to. I
think this line
still has the
same meaning,
but I definitely
made it much
more clear who
and what I was
referencing and
why it matters.

Can you get more

precise in this topic
sentence? I like how
you tell me that this
paragraph will be
focusing on goals,
but what goals?
(And why?)

I mentioned
specifically how these
articles will talk about
the same topic in
different point of
views.

Also, I know the

scholarly articles
have a similar
format/structure,
but... again, so
what? What about
the structure can you
make a claim about?
How can you bring
in some kind of
evaluative
component?
Get more specific
and zoom in on what
you want to
convince me of!

The author simply

summarized the
findings of another
study

Although all three

articles are about the
same topic, the goals
of these articles are
not the same.

Although all three

articles are about the

I think my
initial statement
was very vague
and this new
statement
clearly states
my point for
this paragraph.
Providing

The questions posed

by this researcher are
whether how society
functions affects how
much substance use
teenagers participate
in.

Because Mental
Health in First Grade
and Teenage Drug,
Alcohol, and
Cigarette Use is a
scholarly article, it is
much more detailed
and longer than the

Oooooh! Tell me
more! What
question(s) did other
disciplinary
researcher(s) ask?
How do these
questions provide
insight into how
they see the world
and what they
value? How does it
shed light on how
this topic is studied
and understood?

same topic, the goals

of these articles are
not the same such that
one author is trying to
deliver the economic
aspect, the other trying
to deliver the
psychological aspect,
and the third one
trying to deliver the
entertainment aspect.

specific
information
provides a
guidance for the
readers
throughout the
paragraph so
they arent
trying to figure
out what the
point is

I included questions
that each researchers
posed and how theyre
different from each
other

This change
provides a
concrete
example of how
these researches
are different and
it shows how
the researchers
view this topic
differently,
which is the
main point of
this essay. This
gives the
readers more
information on
the study, which
hopefully keeps
them interested

The questions posed

by this researcher are
whether how society
functions affects how
much substance use
teenagers participate
in. In the economic
article, the researcher
asked about the taxes
on drugs/alcohol,
arrest rates, legal
drinking age, etc.
whereas the
psychology article
mentioned the
researcher asking
about the academic
standings and
teachers thoughts on
students that used
drugs.
Such as? And is
I explained how the
"basic" a "problem"? data used in scholarly
Why or why not?
journals are more
Think about what
detailed and in-depth
you know about
and gave an example
your major, i.e.,
of how data is used in
actuary science -non-academic pieces.
what types of

This change
provides an
explanation to
my claims that
the scholarly
article is more
detailed.
Including an

MTV article, which

only talks about basic
statistics and effects.

statistics does that

field value, and
why? How is that
similar to or
different from what's
haeppning here?
That's the kind of
specific connection
that I want you to be
making, Crystla.

For the scholarly

articles, their
statistics included
standard deviations,
variance, etc. while
the MTV article
simplified their
statistics into one
sentence like this:
More than one-third
of teens who have
had sex say that
theyve gone farther
sexually while under
the influence of drugs
or alcohol than they
would have while
sober (The
Connection Between
Teen Pregnancy and
Substance Abuse).

Ah ha! Ok, now I'm

wondering: so what?
Why is this
important? What's
the value in
acknowledging this?
How does this relate
back to your
argument?

Because Mental
Health in First Grade
and Teenage Drug,
Alcohol, and Cigarette
Use is a scholarly
article, it is much
more detailed in a way
that they explain all
their data and how
they obtained this
data. On the other
hand, MTV only
includes basic
statistics, such as
10% of high school
students have tried
marijuana, (The
Connection Between
Teen Pregnancy and
Substance Abuse) as
a support for their
article so that it can
establish a bit of
credibility.
I talked about how
scholarly articles have
statistics that are much
harder to understand
and why MTV has to
shorten their data into
a sentence.
In the scholarly
articles, the statistics
looks way more
detailed and harder to
understand than the
statistics listed in the
MTV article. For the
scholarly articles, their
statistics included
standard deviations,
variance, etc. while
the MTV article
simplified their
statistics into one

example shows
how different
statistics are
used in different
genres. For
some readers
who have no
read the article
can immediately
see that the
statistic is
straightforward
and has no
evidence to
back up.

In the new
statement,
readers are able
to understand
that data in
scholarly
articles are
difficult to
understand that
MTV simplifies
these data into
one sentence
statistic because
they know their
audience isnt
the same as the
audience for the
scholarly
article, who
would more
likely
understand the

Word choices So how does this

can definitely be one actually happen in
of the easiest ways to the MTV piece?
identify the targeted
audience.

sentence like this:

More than one-third
of teens who have had
sex say that theyve
gone farther sexually
while under the
influence of drugs or
alcohol than they
would have while
sober (The
Connection Between
Teen Pregnancy and
Substance Abuse).
Because the audience
isnt intending on
learning about the
whole study, MTV
shortened all the
complex statistics so
their readers can get
the end result without
having to go through
all the complex
statistics.
I talked about how the
audience affects the
word choice of a pice
of writing
Word choices can
definitely be one of
the easiest ways to
identify the targeted
audience. We can see
that in the MTV
article, the author
doesnt use big words
and goes straight to
the point because their
audience is broad and
they want to make
sure their audience
understands their
article.

statistic.

This change
allows the
readers to see
how they can
identify an
audience from
the word choice
of a piece.
Because they
want to ensure
that everyone
understands the
article, they
must make the
word choices
easy to
understand.