To put it simply: I can't write.

Which really kind of sucks because I'm supposed to be a writer and a professional one at that and I can't seem to produce so mu ch as a goddam predicate. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Well maybe I should hide under your clit, he'll never find me there. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Yo, K-Fed, the little man in the boat? He's up here! That's where he is! Righ t here ... ! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % I'm late and I'm sorry and I'm not wearing any pants, but I would like to invite you two ladies, to join me, take your pants off and come with me to the pants-o ff restaurant. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's OK? -- Becca, Season One, Episode One % OK, so not only are you a cadaverous lay, but you also have shitty taste in movi es. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Because he's a fucking DIALTONE! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Baby, I'm sorry but some stupid guy he takes the phone from me and he freaks out like he is Mel Gibson or something. Forget about it baby forget it because you know who I AM! ... I don't care if I'm at the movie theatre ... the FECK man! -- Man at theatre, Season One, Episode One % Next time put it on vibrate homie. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Fuckin turn it off! God forbid you should miss a fuckin call! Dick! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Yet I sense a big hairy but lurking around here! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Oh, thank God. She's a lesbian! Thank God I think we can all agree by and larg e that men are assholes. I for one am happy that she prefers the fairer sex. I t looks like we're the proud parents of a lesbian daughter! Up high! Celebrate . C'mon, don't leave me hangin'. What? You're ashamed of our gay daughter? -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Fuck me. Must be my trick ear, but I thought I just heard you say blog. -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % I'm fine. I'm disgusted with my life and myself, but I'm not unhappy about that . -- Hank, Season One, Episode One %

Now, you're giving me that look, right now, look, look like I finger-banged your cat. But, but what you're really thinking is, If I can manage to get out of her e in the next ten or fifteen minutes I can still make it home in time to watch ' America's Next Top Model' ... which I have Tivo and I swear to God, that show is fierce! -- Hank, Season One, Episode One % Karen: You smell like pussy .. Hank: Thank you! -- Season One, Episode One % Are you looking for a cock punch? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % I think you should still buy the car and run over whoever created that turd. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % Yes, and it might be nice if I could felate myself while farting the White Album, but I haven't been able to quite master that yet. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % I have found that the back-tat is a watermark of the promiscuous though. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called l ife: 1) A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness 2) I p robably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister and 3) While I'm down there, it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile you fuckin' douche. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % ... along the way they talked zen and the art of the mid-life crisis and eventua lly fell head over heels in love in Karen's case, heels over head ... -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % The Eagles! Oh, the Eagles of Death Metal ... -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % Becca: Dad, are you OK? Hank: No. But I'm working on it. -- Season One, Episode Two % My husband recently left me for a guy named Ted and right now all I want to do r ight now is get fucked stupid by a guy who actually likes women. -- Sonja, Season One, Episode Two % Well, I'd be lying if I said I never wondered what it would be like to violate a Scientologist. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Two % Once upon a time, I wrote a book. People seemed to dig it, so I wrote another a

nd one after that. That's when Hollywood came knocking at my back door. As soo n as I cashed that cheque, I wrapped my lips around the mighty erection that is the film industry and sucked hard just like a good whore should. Unfortunately I had to be taught not to orphan the balls. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % Ladies and gentleman, Todd Carr, the caramel coated, chrome-domed auter, who too k my precious little novel, wiped his ass and transformed it into the crap-tasti c crowd-pleaser also known as Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My people. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % Hank: You looking for a dick punch? Bill: Do you want to punch me in the dick? Hank: I kinda do, yeah, but standing here talking about it is beginning to sound kind of gay. -- Season One, Episode Three % We don't have much time. Your suitor will be returning from the shitter post-ha ste, but in his absence, I would like to offer my sincere apologies. My behavio r the other night was beyond appalling, dispicable, reprehensible I was a mess I have no words. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % Stop that! Don't move! Don't fuck around! Do NOT fuck around. It's not funny . -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % It's like a Maplethorpe shoot in there ... except with less cock. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % Just suppose you're a guy and you're getting a massage from another guy and it's nice, it's relaxing. Then all of a sudden you get a little tingle, a little un intentional stem, what's, what do you call that, you get a little turgidity, you know you get a rollover there. What would you call that phenomenon? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % It's a broner! It's a broner, what I'm looking for. Unintentional, man-inspire d boner broner. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % You say it's about meeting Mr. Right. I say you're settling for Mr. Right-In-Fr ont-Of-You and I'm asking you to consider Mr. Lurking-right-above-you. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % Karen: What's up with you? You seem kind of ... Hank: Jaunty? Devil-may-care? Happy? -- Season One, Episode Three % In the land of the lotus-eaters, time plays tricks on you. One day you're dream ing, the next your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times, if only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pus sy. I don't know how I got here, but here I am, rotting away in the warm Califo rnia sun. There are things I need to figure out for her sake at least. The cl ock is ticking, the gap is widening. She won't always love me no matter what. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Three % I thought we decided that too, but then I realized she could call me whenever sh e's pissed at you and Lurch so ... (whispers) changed my mind. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Four

% You were moody, you just weren't A Moody. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Four % UTK, Charlie Runkle's office ... -- Dani, Season One, Episode Four % You've had the sex? -- Becca, Season One, Episode Four % She started it man! I guess I, got a little carried away. I don't even know wha t happened man. I mean, one minute, I am sailing along, I'm being like the perf ect example of the guy who would never, ever cheat on his wife. Right? The nex t second I'm spanking the bare, naked ass of a twenty-two year old girl. -- Charlie Runkle, Season One, Episode Four % I told her you need a double dose of Viagra to get wood and you wear a fanny pac k on the weekends. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Four % For radical environmentalists such as yourself, this whole evening must have giv en you a clit-boner. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Four % Are you sure you don't have a grab-ass appointment with an altar boy? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % Ohhh, GAY PRIEST. Oh, fuck me. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % Well, you should've called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a m essage, which I would have quickly erased. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % Books by Hank Moody: South of Heaven, Seasons in the Abyss, God Hates Us All -- Henry Rollins, Season One, Episode Five % Thank you, um but it's really it's more like pissing out of my ass than anthing else you know it's just uh things bother me uh and I vent, I write it down. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % Henry Rollins: What's your latest obsession? Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber you k now? I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned in to basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us fre e, democratize us, but, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted ca ndidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. You know, people, uh they don 't, they don't write anymore, they blog instead of talking they text no punctuat ion, no grammer lol this and lmfao that. You know it just seems to me that it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's english. Henry Rollins: Yet, you're part of the problem I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them. Hank Moody: Hence, my self-loathing. -- Season One, Episode Five % Bar chords are tough, I know! But, once you master them, all the secrets of the rock 'n' roll universe will be revealed trust me. OK? -- Dave (Becca's guitar teacher), Season One, Episode Five

% Look, I don't want to take sides here, but I want to say go on record, categoric ally never, never stick a finger up a grown man's ass without warning. Don't do it! Gospel. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % You drink too much, write too little and the only exercise you get is in the bed room. You love women, but you hate yourself so that any woman who actually does like you is ultimately deemed a fool. -- Amy, Season One, Episode Five % I just pooped myself! -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % You seem to think that I have this narrow perception of you, but it's you with a narrow perception of me! I love women. I have all their albums. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five % Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms, Alone and palely loitering? The sedge has withered from the lake, And no birds sing. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Five (La Belle Dame Sans Merci, 1819 Keats) % Wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % Unless you got some fuck you money stashed up your hoosey-whatsit, you're shit o ut of places to look ... -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % What? It's a damsel in distress. I love all women, I love you! I'll make a ru n at you, crusty, I will. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % Yeah, it [vinyl] just sounds better. It's warmer right? It's just, human. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % You're just an analog guy in a digital world. -- Hippie Girl, Season One, Episode Six % Save the drama for your momma. -- Mia, Season One, Episode Six % Now you're a smart little sociopath, I'm sure you can put a few sentences togeth er, now scram! -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % I would say we loved each other TOO much. TOO much and I think we made the mist ake of getting it right the first time and that put an insane amount of pressure on us to keep it going and we buckled. You know what I miss most about, well, aside from Becca, of course, I miss your smell. When you left, I couldn't wash the sheets because I didn't want to lose that completely you and it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I'd smell you and I would think you r were there and my heart would break all over again. I think that's why I go i n for the kiss all the time, I think I'm going for another hit. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Six % Rome is burning he said, as he poured himself another drink, yet here I am kneedeep in a river of pussy. Here it comes she thought, another self-indulgent, wh iskey-soaked diatribe about how fucking great everything was in the past and how

all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at wherever or snort the good coke like they had at Studio 54 well we'd all just missed out on practically ev erything worth living for and the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are she thought, at the edge of the world, the very edge of Western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something anything that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way towards the end of days. -- Mia (read), Season One, Episode Six % Well what is a marriage if not an opportunity to mock someone through thick and thin while simultaneously exploring your deepest, darkest sexual desires. -- Marcy, Season One, Episode Seven % Yeah, sure, I hear its nice, you know? Getting a little work done by someone wh o owns their own set of tools. -- Marcy, Season One, Episode Seven % I'm trying to mentally masterbate about it, but an image of you keeps popping in to my head and that's a problem. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Seven % I know you Hebrews do things a little differently, but last I checked a menage-a -trois was not a pit-stop on the road to redemption. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Seven % Because it keeps the baby mommas in juicy couture? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Seven % Wife, have you lost your fucking mind?!! -- Charlie Runkle, Season One, Episode Seven % I don't want to go where Hank's been! He probably left booby traps up there lik e the Viet Cong! -- Marcy, Season One, Episode Seven % You got me all wrong! You see, I TRIED to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Seven % Rehab is for quitters. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % Even if you were a street-walkin' cheetah, I'd get you to give it to me gratis. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % Oh, home, that sounds nice, but where is that exactly? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % I'm not sure, but I think my rectum just pro-lapsed. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % If he wants to tuck his magical movie star cock between his legs and do the peepee dance, I'm puttin that on film too. -- Carr, Season One, Episode Eight % Pop, when there's no more room in hell and the devil himself walks the earth don 't you think he'll be playing cripples and charming his way into the pants of ma ny? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % Well, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that there were moments that I thought

to myself, Whore, this isn't such a bad way to earn a living. -- Trixie, Season One, Episode Eight % You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams. It's not gentlemanly. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % Your pimp hand is STRONG. Well played son. -- Hank, Season One, Episode Eight % Hank: Don't tell me what to feel! All my fucking life people have been telling me I do things wrong, I'm always the fucking asshole and I look around and every body else is infinitely more fucked up than I am. Charlie: I don't know those people. Hank: Well, it could be the blow. -- Season One, Episode Eight % Life's too short to dance with fat chicks. -- Al, Season One, Episode Eight % To my son the writer, something I never said too much: I love you. My father nev er said it much either and I thought I'd be different, but I guess I'm not. I t ried, but somewhere along the line you slip back into what you know and I'm sorr y about that and I'm sorry we haven't talked in awhile because I miss you. You' re a good kid and a funny kid and you're my only son. I said I never read your books but I Iied, I read them all I just didn't know how to talk about them with you. I didn't like the fathers in them. I know you writers take liberties, bu t I was afraid that maybe you didn't take any at all. But that's the thing. Bo ys become men, men become husbands and fathers and we do the best we can. You'r e doing the best you can. You've done good. Your books will be in libraries lo ng after we're both gone and this is important. More important is how you treat your family. I wasn't a perfect husband, but I loved your mother and I'm glad we spent our lives together and I'm here if you need me. That's all I wanted to say. Love, your old man. -- Al, Season One, Episode Eight % Oh, too much, right? With the pelvis? I thought maybe I'd get a little half a grind there, but maybe not, huh. -- Hank, Seasone One, Episode Nine % I don't want to get your hopes up guys, but you keep rolling this way with the m arital dischord and I see you across from Oprah on a big yellow couch, fingers c rossed. -- Hank, Seasone One, Episode Nine % Hank: I don't want a new car, I like my old one, it's got character. Charlie: If by character you mean it's got lady juice in every nook and cranny o f the upholstery then yes, you're absolutely right. Hank: That explains a lot actually. -- Season One, Episode Nine % I went old school this time I hunted and pecked like a mother fucker. -- Hank, Seasone One, Episode Nine % That sweet little goth nut-job, makes this girl want to put her finger in the di ke. -- Marcy, Seasone One, Episode Nine % Uhhhh KISS THE TIP! -- Hank, Season One, Episode Ten

% You know, most people, they go their whole life and they never really find someo ne they love. They say they do, because everybody is the star of their own litt le romantic comedy but they're full of shit. You and me, we had women that love d us for who we were, really loved us for who were and we fucked it up. For wha t, some stupid piece of ass we forgot about ten minutes later? -- Hank, Season One, Episode Ten % Kicked in the ass by Karma! -- Charlie Runkle, Season One, Episode Ten % I admit, it wasn't the most pleasant scene to walk in on, but nobody asked you t o walk in on it. -- Hank, Episode Ten, Season One % I get no credit for all the dicks I DON'T suck. Um, check please! -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Eleven % FUck the po-lice. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Eleven % What do you think I did? I handled the fuck out of that shit. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve % All those things that weren't supposed to happen, they happened. What happens n ext is up to you. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve % Sounds familiar. And once again the joke's on me because I'm the stupid one. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve % It just all went by so fast. From the moment I met you until just now. Seems l ike just a second ago. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve % Bill, of course, be good to her. I had a shot with her once ... but I blew it. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve % Check yourself, before you rrreally rrreally wreck yourself. -- Hank Moody, Season One, Episode Twelve %