Deskman

Lessons from the Lighthouse Mission

By Bob Couchenour

2010 Bob Couchenour bobcouchenour@msn.com

Contents
Dedication and Forward Chapter One The Lighthouse Mission: A Quick View Chapter Two Dream to Disaster Chapter Three On the Road Chapter Four Resident Chapter Five Desk Man Chapter Six Dreams, Insights and Philosophies

Dedication and Forward

For Jillian ... This is my experiences that led me to come to the Lighthouse Mission in Terre Haute , IN, my observations at the mission as both a resident and early days as a desk man, as well as bits of philosophy, psychological insights, metaphysics and who knows what else. I am not a professional writer but over the past year have been encouraged to put more serious effort into it. This encouragement came from a relationship I had with a woman online. We shared ten months together online. I have never met her, that is, in the flesh. We had chatted ... extensively ... and periodically would talk using Yahoo IM. She knew me, and she believes in what I have in me. She made me believe in things about myself that prior had only been a pipe dream. Over a distance of 2000 miles and virtually no resources, we found purpose and meaning, chatting, talking, laughing, and fighting. So this book is dedicated to Jillian ... a lady ... The pages that follow, for the most, were originally written to Jillian and some were posted in my blogs. Chapters 4 and 5 were written as they occurred and later collected and reassembled in a chronological format. All the names have been changed to protect the privacy of residents. I decided to intersperse the event occurrences with my own bits of philosophy and psychological observations so that my own inner thoughts might be understood as I was observing what was going on around me. There is an evolution of thought and perspective that occurred over the months I spent at the mission. Initially I was very apprehensive about staying in such an environment, not because I feared the actual operation, but rather realized my own divergent theology and spiritual perspective could be something that if not curbed and expressed wisely could get me out on my ass. So, I shared sparingly with those I recognized as receptive and open, and understanding Fundamentalist Evangelical theology, I was able to communicate in a language many not so versed would find difficult to utilize to their advantage. Chapter six is additional thought and philosophy and are provided chronologically, but were not included as part of Chapters 4 & 5 as they diverged from the overall intent of the presentation, but are included here as deeper insight into my own thinking at the time. As a necessary element of a capitalistic economic environment my issues with the mission are not so much operational as they are theological. It is true I might manage certain aspects differently, and put more effort into some things more than they currently are, but I am not in a position of oversight and management as to know and understand all of the particulars that must be considered, and I am rather glad I am not. Having said that I do not wish to defame or malign the character of the any persons who work and serve at the Lighthouse Mission. The faults I observe in the Lighthouse Mission are not limited to the Lighthouse Mission, but rather are pervasive throughout American Fundamentalist Evangelicalism. The mandate of the Church suffers the corruption that pervades throughout the so called free capitalistic economic system. A system where the bottom line and profit is the ultimate benchmark and measure of the will of God. Yes ... I have my problems with laizs'sez-faire capitalism, particularly as it trickles down, to the effects it has on real human beings ... the ones not so simply categorized as drunkards, and druggies and derelicts ... real families ... men at the end of their resources ... falling through the cracks.

We all, whatever our situation and circumstance are dealt hands that we must make judgment calls on and so try to make the best of it. I for one recognize that we all are the recipients of a society and culture that has been millennia and hundreds of years evolving. This would include political, economic and religious systems not always as coordinated and in sync with the facts of what is the real human situation that they are supposed to serve. It is within this less than adequate social arena that the mission, and those like it, must adapt to and become functional. It is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it is what is available. And until there is a rising in the overall social consciousness of the populace at large, it will probably have to be accepted as the best that can be expected. The Mission at one time may well have served its purpose. The times and social needs have changed. The Mission has not kept pace with that need. That is not to infer that it is the Mission's responsibility, but rather as a society of humans sharing the same geographic and economic realities we are obligated to reassess what is our overall social responsibility. The mind-set that pervades the bulk of American Christianity would resist such a universal acceptance of social responsibility in favor of antiquated and archaic institutions existing well beyond their intent of usefulness. This would include both theological assumptions of truth and social organizations built upon these anachronisms. I do believe the whole stratum of our social systems must be rethought. Not simply allowed to happen haphazardly. I do believe we, the human animal, are endowed by god, our creator, the universal consciousness to which we all relate to, to reason and express what is that divine responsibility we have for each other, our environment and all humanity and the cosmos. We are no longer citizens of this or these limited boundaries, but rather world citizens and as we venture into the realms beyond our own planetary system, citizens of the universe. It is to us to now accept this understanding, or suffer the inescapable consequences of a species unable to adapt to the changes that inevitably will be and are on our doorstep. It begins at home. And the mission is the home of the disenfranchised, the ones who fall through the cracks. The measure of any society and culture is how they deal with these, and the others so unfortunate. Afterthought and second thought mercy and compassion is not sufficient to our times. Having made these criticisms I want to add some qualifications. The lighthouse is aptly named. And though I believe it suffers the same impediments as the church at large it also offers a place where one can reassess their own lives and remodel and rebuild, if one is willing to take time and make the best use of the opportunity. Too many have no direction, no sense of purpose and for all practical purposes have lost hope. And although I may not agree with the religious fundamentals and Evangelical theology as adhered to at the Lighthouse the mission does offer some basics that are absolutely essential to ones survival in a predominantly Orthodox Christian social context. This is the culture we as Americans have to contend with and learn to survive within. I believe this environment is changing, evolving It really has no choice. People change, knowledge expands, and our culture society and systems either adapt or come to some catastrophic end or fade away into oblivion. But first we survive where we are, And for that I commend the mission and all those involved. And as an old song from one of my groups in the sixties says I like the Christian life. Theres a lot of things about it that makes sense. Bob Couchenour

January 2012

Chapter One The Lighthouse Mission: A Quick View

A note to residents from your Desk Man: This is not a hotel and I am not the concierge! ... You are in a rescue mission I.E. a homeless shelter. You are here because nobody else wants you and you can't take care of your self. So drop the attitude and don't be such a bitch, it ain't going to make you any friends or get you what you want ... Don't you get it? ... We don't care. And by the way ... your tantrums will not be tolerated and will only get your ass kicked out ... There ... now that we have that nasty business out of the way, let's see if we can help you. Maybe we can, maybe we can't ... but don't get to thinking you are owed anything ... Nobody owes you a damn thing. Have a nice rest of your life :-) Explanation: Now, before you get to thinking that this is a heartless way to deal with anyone in such unfortunate circumstances ... consider that the one or others making this statement are also in the same situation ... and the statement is made from an objective experience and not a subjective assumption of what the reality is. Those in such unfortunate situations need help ... assistance ... and those who care enough to do what they can to help ... but ... until they are willing to start applying themselves to their own situations, as they may be able, rather than griping about it, they will never get out of their respective holes or make headway. It takes time ... and many do not have the patience to let it happen, and often jump from one bad situation to another. But learning to live and grow where you are planted ... finding a satisfaction with yourself, who you are, regardless of your circumstances ... life can begin to happen ... it takes time ... certainly education and other means of improving yourself helps ... but patience with yourself and learning to live where you are, as you are, letting it happen rather than becoming frustrated that your expectations are not being met, and you cannot demand life happen as you want it when you want it. But set your intention and focus, and keep them set, moving ever closer, slow as it may seem to be, and you will reach your goals. And don't give up, don't ever just chuck it all ... don't fall into the I don't give a damn anymore pit ... But slow down ... rest ... take your time ... reassess what needs to be ... and start again ... don't try to force it ... not before you are ready to ... you'll eventually know when that will be ... it takes practice ... and don't quit ... God damn!!! ... what are we going to do with all these god damn watermelons? The mission was blessed with a semi load of water melons ... about 15 pallets ... stacked 7 feet high with boxes of personal size seedless watermelons ... Hey ... been eating these from another farmer for the past week or more and they are good and sweet ... I was told last year they set up a stand in front of the mission and went through the local neighborhoods giving them away ... I expect there will be a watermelon detail that will need volunteers ... ---------My name is Bob and I am a resident and Desk Man at the Lighthouse Mission in Terre Haute Indiana. I have been here since January of this year (2010) and my intention in the course of upcoming journal entries is to give you a taste of life here at the mission, my travels over the past few years and my own insights having raised a large family and losing everything. I am not bitter but hopeful. I realize there are some who would look at my current circumstances and turn their nose up at me ... they are the losers ... Though I live at a Christian mission, I myself am not

an orthodox Christian. I do have my issues with the religion, but I have also come to realize that there are human issues that all can agree on and and apply ourselves to. I have also come to realize that there are things to be learned and values to be embraced that are not necessarily the skills of a trade that produces income, but are even more worthy to the development of character and satisfaction with life. Much that has been ignored by our contemporary culture. I welcome comments, but do not relish debate. I figure ... if an issue is worth your arguing over write your own journal entry and see who comes to the party. My party starts later today, enjoy yourself and don't cause any trouble ... the bouncer knows how to do his job. I arrived in Terre Haute Indiana January 6, 2010 and here checked in to the Lighthouse Mission. In time I became a desk man. It is the desk men that carryout the actual lower level management of the mission operations. Desk men are the ones closest to the residents and their affairs and maintain order and see to it that what needs to happen ... happens. The position may be thought of as both revered and reviled, depending on ones relationship to and circumstances one may be confronted by a desk man about. Desk men may be your friend or the cop watching your next move, the guy who keeps you out of trouble or kicks your ass out ... though we may not agree with all the rules, we will uphold them ... sometimes we will let things slide, or issue a warning ... and at others may come down with the full force of our authority ... For the most part we don't want to be a part of any friction or disturbance, but we will deal with whatever it is that needs dealt with ... Sometimes we are counselors, at others ... the prick cussing you out and kicking your ass into gear ... we won't be fucked with ... Desk men are no different than anyone else ... there are saints and sinners ... Some have had less than stellar tours of duty ... some have been real rascals ... We have our issues with life just like any other resident ... some continue to struggle with these ... but for the most part a desk man cares ... cares about those who find themselves getting life's short end of the stick and about keeping a lot of screwed up people functioning in some sort of cooperative so that the mission can exist and we have beds to sleep in and food to eat ... It doesn't just happen ... we aren't owed a damn thing ... but we can work together and get a job done that keeps us all off the streets ... It isn't a perfect life, a hell of a long ways from it ... but for those of us who have lost everything it sure beats the alternative ... Desk men are desk men 24/7 ... Our position at the mission is a lot more than just an assigned detail. It is more a position of trust and confidence than the particulars that we must do as a part of the position. We log various incidents of concern and are responsible to step into situations that warrant some authoritative regard, and use our best judgment to rectify what could become disruptive or violent, I.E. do whatever is necessary short of actual physical violence ... but I'm sure if defensive measures warranted it, physical means would not be frowned upon. We just hope it never gets that far ... and we will not hesitate to call the police before it gets that far. Most situations are minor violations of the rules that only merit a warning ... and most comply readily ... but then again there are a disproportionate number of bad asses who think the rules don't apply to them ... Generally I think the best way to handle them is to give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. Most of the desk man's time is consumed at the desk ... answering the phone ... answering residents questions and helping them maneuver the system ... We do have assigned hours to be on the desk ... For several of us it is a 40 hour plus work week (I have the Tue-Sun 12 midnight to 8 A.M. shift,, this puts me working into Monday mornings) ... and then we hang around on our off hours just to be available.

But even when we are not on duty - we are on duty --- just not at the desk and issues of real concern will be referred to the man on duty as he carries the responsibility for that shift. We generally we will support and back up each others judgment call ... and if there is an issue ... talk about it between ourselves privately later. Though there are rules ... these are not always sufficient ... and judgment calls are a lot of what the position entails ... Each of us has different areas of strength and weakness, and discussing things after the fact is often the only way to insure we can get better in our judgment calls in the future ... or as the case may be ... appreciate the way someone handled a situation ... We are our own unofficial support group. More often than not I and others will find ourselves volunteering for extra duties as they are required. This morning I went out picking corn. A number of the local farmers open up portions of their fields to the mission and other charities helping the poor and we supply the labor to pick what it is that is there. I am finding the summer is great for fresh vegetables at the mission ... I decided to go pick corn for the experience, I had never done it before ... and ... the other day a resident refused to go as he was assigned the detail, I was instrumental in putting him in a position that caused him to check out of the mission on his own. He was not dismissed, but decided he didn't like what he was assigned and thus made a decision to leave. I do not hold much sympathy for him. He did yard work the day before for cash and had no problem, he said he would shuck corn but refused to pick it ... I'm sorry, but we don't always get to pick and choose what is required in order to survive, and that is what we are all trying to do at the mission. I won't preach on the subject, but I think it is a lesson many need to come to grips with. Ultimately it is true of all of us ... some are fortunate or lucky, and many are spoiled ... and some just have an attitude ... and some do what needs to be done. Though I try, or have tried to be as liberal and tolerant with all that I first come into contact with, I can not help but question the wisdom of this ... The fact is there are a lot of screw ups who, except for the fact that they may be classified as human, do not demonstrate much in the way to substantiate the fact. Or is it possible that I have had a higher than is reasonable regard for the general elevated nature of the human being? Is it possible that some, for what ever reason, have sunk to a level bordering on subprimate? Though that may certainly be an over statement it is not an exaggeration as regards the subhuman standards, functions and ways of life that some residents demonstrate. Some of these the result of poor or less tan adequate upbringing, some a matter of some mental deficiency, and some their own self centered really don't give a damn attitude. Will Rogers said I never met a man I didn't like ... I can not make this statement ... maybe at one time I could have, but I can not help but think that maybe my thinking was possibly a little delusional and idealistic, and to be sure my experience with a lesser advantaged class of citizenry (I go out of my way to be politically correct) was far less than that of recent times. And though I have found what I consider good people of all levels and social class, there is a near bestial level that human beings can be reduced to or reduce themselves to, assuming they were ever at a level on the evolutionary scale above that benchmark that qualifies one as human. Of course I am speaking somewhat tongue in cheek ... sorta ... I know these reprobates are human ... and I hesitate using the term reprobate, as reprobate has a connotation referring to sexual deviancy, and this is nothing about sexual practice or preference. Another subject that I hold less than orthodox ideas about. But a total lack of regard and respect and courtesy for other human beings except as it may be a show to elevate their perceived status ... of course, that elevation is only perceived in their own minds. ----------

I will be confronting a resident for pissing all over the toilet and leaving the seat and floor soaked ... This is a resident I already have no respect for as I know his history in and out of the mission ... he is lazy ... always the first in line for meals ... complains incessantly ... makes a show of every minuscule task he is assigned to ... an absolute slob ... He is the epitome of what I perceive as someone who has gone out of their way to waste their life ... What are all the circumstances that have led to this state ... I don't know ... and that is the only thing that causes me to hesitate ... but there is more to be concerned about than just this one man ... there are others here, who are actually trying ... and when the one becomes a threat to the others, though not actually making threats, but is a threat simply by their own lack of regard and common sense and habits ... some disciplinary action is called for ... and with corporal punishment and torture out of the question there is little recourse except the threat of dismissal. So ... I imagine I will be telling him during his next bathroom run I have a report of you pissing all over the toilet seat and leaving it, if it happens again I'll make sure your ass is put out of here. I am not required to be diplomatic in such a situation ... I save diplomacy for those I respect ... ---------A young man checked in this morning. Doremus, the head desk man, took care of the paperwork, Olin, residents coordinator, talked to him and I took him up to his bunk and explained the basic rules, times for meals and chapels, signing in and out procedures, passes and other essentials. He had absolutely nothing with him ... no clothes whatsoever .. The only thing he had was an I-Pod and ear phones. We put together a voucher for clothes for him to take to the drive through and get a few things. I took him to his bunk and introduced him to an older resident who I knew would show an interest in him. After I took him to his bunk we were passing the second floor desk and some jeans were there that would fit him. Residents often leave clothes on the desk they are passing on. I told him to take them back and put them on his bunk and then we'd go to the drive through. He started down the hall and as I watched he wen to my room and said here's my room and started o open the door. No john, that's my room. Yours is down here. He went to the next door and said Oh ... this is it ...It was then that I noticed his eyes ... they were sunken ... darkened ... this kid is skinny as a rail and almost appears a dead man walking ... I then directed him down another hall to his bunk. He told me he was tired and had not slept for a while. I told him after we went to the drive through he could spend the rest of the day catching up on his sleep. As we walked back he said he needed to get his I-Pod charged up ... I told him he was not allowed to plug any chargers into the wall sockets, Oh ... it plugs into a computer USB port to charge ... I told him we might be able to work something out ... I took him to the drive through and introduced him to the fellow who keeps this part of the mission working ... Another resident was assigned to help him find what he needed ... Later in the morning he showed up in the office ... His earphones were in his ears and he was asking about a wi-fi connection. We told him there was none local, but he wanted to walk around and see if he could locate a hot spot. It was then I notice his pants ... the entire ass on the left side was ripped out and from the pocket to the knee hanging open ... Rev Tom, the CEO, happened by and said there were some jeans in the office that would fit him, and he was given about three pairs. As I have been observing John he has not once had his earphones out ... To my thinking it is like he is addicted to whatever he is listening to and connecting to a signal is the most important thing to him. This evening he was disoriented and wanted to leave, he took a bike that did not belong to him and was gone for a short while and returned. Bill talked him about taking the bike but was not harsh. John was assigned to wash dishes and did a good job ... all the while earphones in ... you need to tap him on his shoulder in order to get his attention. He came into the office this evening, he looked at the computers in the Computer Room and asked about using them. These are there for computer classes that were once planned but never took off. I told John I would charge his I-Pod on my computer but he would not have use of it while it charged. He said that was cool. I later hooked up his

I-Pod and let it charge ... It is 2:25 AM right now ... John woke up, he couldn't sleep he is standing here at the desk next to me .... I told him he could stay here for a while but then had to get back to bed ... He asked if his I-Pod was charged ... It's on my other computer, let me go get it, wait here ... I got the IPod and gave it to John... Is it charged? I asked. Yes ... Cool ... John went back to bed ... I found out earlier this evening John was dropped off at an orphanage by his parents at the age of seven and his parents took off ... I was also informed John attempted suicide about a month ago ... addendum: John was dismissed from the mission yesterday about 24 hours after he came in ... I do not know the details (I was sleeping at the time) except that he came to the front desk, Wendall was on duty (he has his own psychological problems) John gave Wendall some crap and John was dismissed. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this as I know and like Wendall, but he is not any kind of person to be in authority dealing with others with issues he is not qualified to understand. Then again, the mission is not exactly set up to handle very complex personal problems. I was on the desk this morning, a man called about a daughter who apparently was going out of control, becoming involved in drugs and a crowd of friends that would do her no good in the long run. He was asking if we had a counselor available ... no ... we do not. But with the type of problems that residents face, it strikes me as peculiar that a "Rescue Mission" would not have adequate counselor services available and part of the staff. Of course this is the kind of criticism that could get me into trouble ... but the right words ... judiciously placed ... in the right ears ... Think Bob ... don't run off at the mouth ... patience ... a little wisdom ... use time to your advantage ... ---------Peter and Milli Philppin are a couple who recently moved out of the mission. They had been at the mission for several months prior to my arrival. They were former carnival workers, day laborers, Peter had some musical talent though not highly developed, They organized the horseshoe pit and cookouts and gathered a clique of residents around them that rubbed some other residents wrong and had their difficulties with the powers that be ... I hesitate to point fingers as I believe the hands of none were completely clean. Near the end of their stay at the mission they had exercised some entrepreneurial spirit and began collecting aluminum soft drink cans to be recycled and make some spending cash ... That in itself was not a problem, but it eventually evolved into dumpster diving ... This is climbing into trash dumpsters and rooting through the junk and garbage for whatever may be pulled out and salvaged and possibly turned into a profit ... The problem became that they started raiding the dumpsters of local businesses and becoming a nuisance to the businesses and as the mission was contacted, all can collection and vulturous reconnoitering and independent salvage operations were forbidden. This obviously did not sit well with the Philppin's ... They had been attending a local church like all the rest of us were required to and had developed a relationship with a local congregation ... Just how genuine this relationship was, only time will tell ... I do have my doubts ... But this local congregation gave the Philppin's a significant donation in order to get into their own apartment. They found a place literally next to the mission that suited them and made arrangements to move out of the mission ... taking with them another young husband and wife and another (unemployed) male resident ... I know for certain this male had the hots for Milli ... Yesterday evening I was making the rounds doing the property check that must be done hourly after 4 p.m. And through the night ... During my 6 p.m. round I looked out a side door and saw Milli and another young woman standing by the missions large trash compacter ... This unit is about 35 feet long

and compresses trash at about 5000 psi. ... I didn't have the heart to run them off immediately ... I closed the door and went on my rounds ... A couple hours later it was obvious they were still out there ... and others were taking notice ... I decided I needed to deal with this because if I didn't someone else would come down on them much harder ... I went to the side and out and the young woman was there with a rather large collection of ... junk ... Milli was walking down the alley towards me and we met at the door of the compacter ... W** (another desk man) walked by and it was obvious he was going to let me handle this ... Milli and I had some warm cordial greetings and I asked if Peter was in the compacter (I could hear that he was) ... I told her that I had seen them a couple hours earlier and let it go ... but could not any longer ... I called for Peter to come out of the dumpster Peter ... this is Bob Couchenour ... you have to come out ... silence ... I called again ... nothing ... Milli then called to Peter and he started to crawl out ... We had some friendly words and I told them I was glad to see them ... but I'd rather get together under some better circumstances ... I told them they would have to leave ... They asked if they could take what they collected ... I told them it was OK ... I shook Peter's hand and we laughed ... They asked if I was now on the desk and I told them yes ... Peter said Well, we won't come back when you're on duty ... we laughed and I said That suits me fine ... I went back to the desk ... ---------Though I would still probably be considered by most a social liberal, I have unequivocally ceased being a bleeding heart liberal. The difference being that where both recognize the need for significant social and economic reform, the one places most of the blame for social ills on the environmental factors that led to the individuals depressed and disadvantaged situations, and the other understands the environmental factors but also recognizes the innate responsibility of the individuals who are not only ignorant of the functioning of the system but also do whatever they can to side step the system and take advantage of the good will of others without investing their own efforts to benefit themselves or any one else. The bleeding heart, while commendable for their concern of those who find themselves at the lower end of the economic and social ladder, from what I have seen is often naive when dealing with cons and is not judicious or wise but rather gullible. The dictum of Jesus to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves would seem to have lost some of its significance in a zealous effort to fulfill the mandate to care for the poor, the outcasts, the disadvantaged. This does not excuse the error of over cautiousness that often evolves in the ministries of helps, but is only a recognition that criticisms based on less than adequate experience in associated and comparable ministry are not necessarily justified. And even where there is experience, the situations and circumstances from one to the other are not necessarily comparable. It is all to easy to make a judgment when all we have to base it on is our own subjective insight into the scriptures and a limited perspective and experience. The best we can say in most situations is this happened or that, and then only this is how I personally perceived it. We will all make judgments ... you can not function in life without making judgments ... but these can not be such that judge another's intention ... not without the specific statement of the promulgator of the action stating their intention. We can judge our own intentions, and should, and deal with these, and expect our actions to follow suit ... But another's intentions based on what we perceive lacks sufficient information unless one is endowed with some para-normal psychic insight denied all but the most gifted. And here, I would be cautious as to what I would regard as gifted, rather than desired or presumed ... My own experience would cause me to trust my own limited insight rather than another's self proclaimed elevated assessment of unsubstantiated subjective insights ... unless I too can subjectively acknowledge these. I.E. spirit communicating to spirit ... sometimes through words and language, often beyond ... but recognized.

I spent most of today in my room. I had a pass to go out in the afternoon but did not use it. I was too tired, and wanted to try and catch some sleep ... I couldn't. Trying to sleep during the day is hit and miss, and unless I am really deprived it doesn't seem to happen as regular as I would want it and need it. But I didn't get it today, but did get some rest, just not sleep. Two young men checked in today. One checked in last night and then immediately out this morning and then back in this evening. I can see what he is trying to do ... he is trying to gain a bed and eat meals with the public ... and this way not have any of the responsibilities that residents have ... no details ... no checking in and out ... no chapel services. I was informed that he plans on checking out again tomorrow morning. I will be telling him not to try and check back in again if he does ... I will be making sure his name is on the list to keep him from taking advantage of the system without accepting responsibility for himself and what the mission requires. He seems to be a nice kid, but I do not feel responsible to carry his weight ... he has been sucking up to me ... I ain't buying it. Another young man checked in who had been here last winter and early spring. He had been in and out and had been put on the NFL list (no further lodging) but his name was scratched out. He is handicapped, has some muscle degeneration disease, is generally a nice guy ... BUT ... I don't trust him. I have my suspicions that he is the one who stole my tool box out of my truck a couple months ago. He was having dinner with me and Bill this evening ... another former resident, Peter Philppin, came up to our table and told him not to come back to his home. He had stolen a bike belonging to Peter's room mate ... he acknowledged his guilt, but only because it was undeniable. I don't trust him. Bill has more sympathy for these guys ... I don't. ---------An online reader in criticizing my perspectives asked me to Tell me a story about a miracle you are privileged to witness on your next shift. ... This ... in time ... I intend to do ... although I can not say it is a miracle that I will see on my next shift, but there are miracles I am seeing in the lives of certain residents. Yet these are not miracles that are so obvious or can be observed as a lightning bolt from God or the appreciation of a butterfly, but are the slow progressive changes in the thinking and habits of human beings well past their expected prime or ability to change. And these miracles are occurring in the midst of an environment inundated with the refuse of society ... in the midst of losers, abusers, and a pervasive attitude that just doesn't give a damn and if it can't be done my way fuck it. But I have friends ... I am more or less a surrogate father to some and older brother to others ... I have not been an alcoholic and addicted to any drugs ... I will drink an occasional beer and glass of wine and if the circumstances permitted it, I have been known to take a toke ... or five ... Being at the mission I have had nothing since last December. But what I do have is a spiritual and intellectual perspective that allows me to get close to a lot of guys who simply need a friend who can maybe give a little advice and direction and a hope that isn't so covered with religious crap that it makes their old situation look appealing. And along with this there is a discipline that the mission does institute that, though appearing oppressive, does provide a limited structure to allow the process of time and the innate divine in the human being to have its perfect work. Most residents do not understand this, very few are willing or interested enough to give themselves the time they need to work the miracle ... some do. And it is these that I will eventually focus on, but first there is the environment, and the environment is not just that which the mission supplies, but the negative influences that must be contended with. I am a realist ... it is not all pretty ... and trying to white wash it or coloring it with rainbows only dilutes the miracle that it really is.

In your profile you wrote I like to believe that I create the world I live in not simply reacting to the circumstances the world throws at me. In essence that is what the post is saying (A note to residents from your Desk Man) ... As far as the mission being a hole there no doubt is some relative truth to this ... and as I am discovering, that is as much or more a result of the disposition of a disproportionate number of residents to abuse the facilities, show no regard for others, shirk their duties and the like. Habits that carryover from life on the outside and eventually leads to no alternative except places such as the mission. I agree whole heartedly that input from outside is necessary in almost all cases I have become familiar with, possibly even my own, but input from the outside is not what is needed to keep them out of these holes ... That rests with themselves ... and that means accepting the responsibility for themselves and doing what ever it takes to create the world I (they) live in not simply reacting to the circumstances the world throws at me (them) ... Thank you for your reply and input

Bob

Chapter Two Dream to Disaster

I no longer embrace the orthodox perception of reality, god, or spiritual understanding. I do not deny the value of many of the myth images as they are recorded in Biblical texts, although I do not accept in any way a fundamentalist construction and interpretation of these things. I find myself quite outside the box of orthodox acceptability and actually vary content to be out. I cannot deny the reality of the experience as they occurred though I do radically now believe there is greater depth to these experiences than what was understood at the time or by the participants. So as I may speak or write using the language of fundamentalist evangelicalism, it should not be assumed that I am speaking or inferring that these literal interpretations are in fact accurate. I will speak in the language of the time, and I cannot deny the experience, yet a reference to god as many may have assumed it, does not mean the same to me now, as when I was trying to cling to it at the time of the experience. Joseph Campbell has said that God is a metaphor for everything we dont understand. In a very real sense I have come to adopt this, although I believe theres much more we can understand that is becoming revealed to the human mind and psyche that was not as readily perceivable when Joseph Campbell made his statement. I believe theres a great deal that is beginning to be unraveled that makes a great deal of sense of many of the things that were once mysteries and the limited experience of only the few the mysticsthe shamans and the esotericists. But Im not going to get into how I came to these conclusions. My intention here is a way to relate my experiences, both those that I found a wonder and inexplicable and those I realized were the product of hyperbole. Ten years ago I was a part of an ultra-conservative denomination, the Orthodox Presbyterian Church (OPC). That is not to say I was ultra conservative, but due to many distasteful splits and church political disappointments in 1992 my wife and I desired a fellowship where we could just arrive at on Sundays and let the wounds heal. Forget the (religious) progressive crap and just be. As time went on the restrictive nature (spiritual, political and social) of the fellowship and the leadership structure and polity began to be recognized for the repressive reality it was, by both me and my wife. In the summer of 2000 we migrated to another ultra-charismatic-prophetic fellowship in town (CF) and were immediately branded heretics (that may be an over statement but very close). In this new fellowship we were encouraged to be expressive. It was a wild place. I became a part of their worship team and these were the high times. It was in this environment that my own writing began to blossom and take off, many times to the disconcertion of church leadership as I found myself challenging hypocrisies that may have been well established as a part of the nature of the fellowship, but certainly were not the ideals that were publicly professed and espoused, whether Biblical or otherwise. I.e. The religious nature of both fellowships was essentially the same only one was blatantly repressive and the other had a wild hair up its ass. But the wild haired bitch did make for one hell of a party and an environment that I could stretch my fledgling wings and prepare to fly on my own. I had become a friend of the Pastor here. I know for a fact his wife, who was co-pastor, had problems with me, and I with her. I was not the submissive one to be led around by the nose and I think she felt threatened by this. But, in most that I did here I was encouraged to go for it. from Paradigm Shift posted July 2008 Before I ever started to get into a lot of the esoteric, psychological, philosophical, scientific and more blatantly heretical material which Ive allowed myself to explore in recent years, I was involved with the church, which by many in the evangelical community was considered heretical. Now their official dogma and doctrine were absolutely orthodox, but much of the practice and the experience was so far outside the normal Newtonian paradigm of reality that if there was anything spiritual the orthodox

community (for the most part) would judge it as demonic. And as years went by I no doubt believe there was more hype than there was transcendent manifestation. I know some who are going to read this, and do consider me a friend and I consider them a friend, will have no doubt that Im a bit twitter pated. If youre not sure what that means get a copy of Gary Coopers Mr. Dowd Goes to Town, that should be enough to inform you. But Ive reached a point where I dont really care what anybody else thinks. I can go through life denying my experiences or I can be true to what Ive done, where Ive been and what Ive seen and all the other things that go into making me what is me. So if you dont like what youre reading get over it or stop reading it makes no difference to me. But these things I write are true and I have no reason to lie. But for those of you who are offended by my occasional use of religious language and delving into spiritual things, cool your tool you put the proper perspective and interpretation on it and you just might find you might learn something, and discover that which is thought to be bats in the belfry may in fact turn out to be angels descending or a quantum redefining of the meaning of life. I was trying to hang onto a fundamental presupposition God who what where ... I already knew too much to know that the orthodox idea simply did not cut it, and I knew this not as an outside observer but from being right there in the middle of it. The doctrine all sounded good, if in fact there was some absolute, but absolutes were elusive and just the words contrary to all human logic, and even as religious minds would propose the idea of a higher divine logic and reason nothing ever squared, and if there was a divine orthodox logic its most surely was insanity to the nth degree. And that was within the churches that would appear to most down to earth and respectable. But Cornerstone really wasnt too concerned about how respectable they appeared at least not at first. They were open to whatever was possible and the gods honest truth is they really didnt know what that was not altogether and provided an environment where possibilities and potentialities could happen and occasionally did. Cornerstone Fellowship, summer 2000 to December 2005, was one of my most active and productive periods, and set the stage for realizing a number of radical changes I was both leery of and longing for. Memorial Day weekend 2000 until this time the church had been meeting in an elementary school auditorium. Too small for what was going to happen this week end. And no one really knew what that was except it would be big. Cheryl, the pastors wife and co-pastor, was a go getter. She and I never really clicked very well, but I respected her position, and the fact that she could get things done. And in years to come I know I rubbed her the wrong way many times. She was spiritually open, but to my mind more than spiritually open, I would almost think manipulative. Understanding greater spiritual dynamics and trying to put them all in a box, defined in a way that would give her a sense of peace and security. I have found when it comes to spiritual realities peace and security exist in a state of apparent confusion and one must be prepared to accept this as a natural state of expansion and evolution into what it is we all collectively or individually might become. Peace and security alone will create a stagnation that eventually will turn to rot slowly and surely decaying. Spiritual minds that turn religious, like most human minds, crave the stability of a regular paycheck and often forget the dynamics that is life and growth. There is a mall at the end of a highway called the golden mile in Frederick Maryland. On the same property is a small strip mall that was mostly unoccupied. Cheryl convinced the manager of the mall to allow Cornerstone Fellowship to occupy and use two of the unoccupied store locations rent free until other tenants could be found. She gained permission to knock down walls and do what ever was necessary to make the place suitable for larger meetings that would accommodate five to 600 people. I was not actually a part of this church yet, but the members all gave up their time and energy and within

a month had the place ready and the approval of the fire marshal to occupy and carry on the business that was about to transpire. On Memorial Day weekend 2000 three days of meetings were scheduled with John Arnott of the Toronto Airport Christian fellowship. My wife and I attended every one of these meetings. For the most part we had seats courts the back, but the way this place was set up, we were still within 25yds of everything that was going on. John Arnott and his wife spoke as a team and the only thing they spoke about the entire weekend was forgiveness. Now Ive got to tell you, the Cornerstone worship team was hot truthfully best rhythm section that Id ever heard for a church group. And they knew how to follow and be sensitive and powerful and work together but there was one thing missing there was no strong lead instrument and I knew in not so long a period of time I would fill that spot and I knew none of them yet but I can hear in my mind what was going to happen. I think it was Saturday night this Memorial Day weekend some crazy things were going on up front people that Id seen before at previous worship meetings attending to others apparently overtaken in almost what appeared to be physical convulsions crying laughing uncontrollably and it seemed infectious it seemed to spread from the front to the back John Arnott raised his hand as to wave it over the congregation starting from his right and moving to his left and something like a wave seem to affect the humanity in front of him front to back My wife is standing to my left as the wave seemed to pass us I could see that she was being affected physically she said she felt her spine adjusting and cracking from the top to the bottom as though a chiropractor was realigning her vertebrae. My wife had always had back problems since she was a teenager. She had done damage to the lower spine in a trampoline accident in school and her back had always been problems. Im not claiming that anything particular happened, but here as so many years before I had experienced something similar with my eyes, for the next number of years that I can remember her back never gave her any problem ... Was she healed? ... No one had called her up to the front and prayed for her there was no calling out for the sake of making a show for anyone we were there she felt in her body no one touching her and lived the next several years unaffected by prior back problems figure it out for yourself. While at Cornerstone Fellowship I compiled and authored the Contemporary Lead Guitar and Music Theory syllabus used at music and guitar training sessions. Wrote Get Back, Get Back, Get Back To Where You Once Belonged - Escape from Evangelicalism A Challenge to Christian Musicians and Evangelical Church Leaders and revised That Grace Might Reign originally written in 1985, was Promoter of God Jam concerts held 2003 (2) and 2004 (3) in Frederick and Washington County Maryland parks, Produced Worship CDs for Cornerstone Fellowship Worship Team November 2003 September 2005. Produced God Jam Cds Winter - Spring 2005, Produced personal CD I Am the Lords released December 2004. Compilation of personal projects collected over recent years. Second CD, Be Thou My Vision, released March 2005. Third CD, The Sound 1.0, released February 2006, sponsored God Jam Boot Camp Sessions at Cornerstone Fellowship in Frederick Maryland to teach musicians music theory and then apply theories through Jam Sessions held Friday evenings 7:45 Midnight, did session work at Harvest Recording Studio in Emmitsburg Maryland, was lead guitarist with Cornerstone Fellowship Worship team (2000-December 2005), publisher of Bob Couchenour A Journey formerly The Official God Jam News Letter 3-4 times a month, E-Zine/newsletter to stimulate the musicians mind concerning spiritual and social issues, to provide resources to aid independent musicians in the pursuit of their music and recording careers, owner/webmaster of http://www.bcmp.us, (aka fredweb.com since 1996), also , WWW.GODJAM.US (expired) , authored of numerous music or guitar related articles for the newsletter and web site. Also author of numerous

social and church related articles published in the e-zine and on the web site. Ive already stated that the orthodox conception of god is not something that I believe is in fact reality. But I do believe there are many things intrinsic to human nature hidden things subconsciously and spiritually existent but forgotten but real none the less. And though the models we construct to try to make sense of what it is that is real may not be true or absolute the act up believing and focusing our attention and intention has potential that only the few willing to consider will ever realize and some benefit from. I dont care if you call it God or Satan the prince of demons or whether it is quantified or not through any scientific investigation truth is it cannot be written off as a non reality Ive seen it I have experienced it and I find myself living it making sense of it is now your problem. A few years ago, actually early 2007, I was connected to a man in New Zealand, Brian Sage, who was my spiritual mentor of sorts. He was 72 at the time, a former evangelist, retired adventure camp owner, living with his wife in the mountains of New Zealand. I became connected with him through a mutual friend, a minister living in Nashville Tennessee, a Master of Divinity graduate. Ive always thought that kind of peculiar that I a relative nobody would find friendships and relationships with those so much more highly educated than myself. This friend in Nashville asked me to review a treatise written by the gentleman in New Zealand. I read this document, about nine pages long, and commented back to my friend in Nashville that I found much in agreement with this treatise and wished I had written it myself. There were a few things that I wasnt quite sure of but in general most of it I found substantial truth in. Eventually I was introduced and became a part of a small group that related to each other via the Internet and in association with Brian Sage. I was one who became particularly close to Brian and he and I would exchange lengthy emails delving into spiritual issues that most would have found to abstract to be comfortable with. And many of our perceptions would most certainly not have been considered acceptable within the orthodox framework. In the spring of 2007 it was becoming apparent that my marriage was falling apart, at the same time I was in the midst of a great deal of spiritual inquiry. I confided in Brian regarding what was going on with my marriage and to my surprise he did not find it shocking or unusual at all. As a matter of fact it was almost as if he kind of expected it and simply encouraged me to continue in my spiritual investigations that were not so much an academic exercise but an exploration into myself. Through the actual time of separation Brian and I stayed in close contact. When I received a phone call in September of 2007 from a band manager in New York asking me if I was interested in becoming a part of the band being formed in Seattle Washington and began investigating this seriously, Brian was the one to point out to me that my pursuit of music and my interest in joining the band was not primarily the matter of wanting to do music, but music was only a vehicle for something much deeper that was going on in my life, that being a spiritual journey that few ever take it upon themselves to embark on. What was more significant was some of the statements Brian left me with, which at the time I wasnt sure how to understand then. The one being that I should not be concerned with the apparent devastation that I might find in my wake. Im still not sure I fully understand this other than I will have an unsettling effect on many and my own life seemingly crumbling. I think about this occasionally but do not make it a matter of focus. The primary thing being Brian understood as I understood I was not pursuing music but was seeking a depth of truth and understanding very few would ever have the courage to accept and enter into. I can still remember his statements to me regarding his confidence in me that I would not back away from it but fully embrace it and follow it wherever it might lead. my goals in life are not primarily musical, or building a band yes this is where my skills and much of my interest lies but building a band here there or any place else is not my primary

focus and interest. I can be many things, a musician is only one of them, and that not necessarily the most important. The most important things in my life our spiritual and the spiritual has to do with our relations with each other as human beings and the greatest and most important of these relations is that which is found between a man and a woman who realize they love each other and commit themselves to each other to live and explore what they can be to and for each other. This is the natural order of what life as human beings is. Brian was also a man who stressed to me that the institution that we currently understand as marriage as it has been defined by the church and our legal system, is in fact a perversion of what marriage actually is between a man and a woman. The implications being that the union of a man and a woman has absolutely nothing to do with a sanctification of any religious body or governmental system. Marriage is a purely spiritual relationship only defined and realized between a man and a woman period. No other entity involved or touching it. This is not a concept that I was totally unfamiliar with. I had another friend, a pastor, who has his Doctor of Divinity, who also pointed this out to me. I might also add that this friend also had his difficulties with organized religion as he also remain true to his convictions and would not succumb to the pressures of religious status quo. I am much more than a musician yes I love playing, and I can work and lead groups of musicians and produce some really find music. But this is only the surface stuff my goals are much deeper and transcend whatever I might happen to do on a guitar My goal is to seek the highest end whatever that may be. There is more that Brian shared with me concerning what he hoped I would do as I found my way and continued to express myself in my writing. And the most significant thing he hoped would be the relationship that I found with a woman who would be my true spiritual partner in life. ... Through all those years of marriage it never sunk in through my thick skull. I just never really paid that much attention I was in my own little world with plans and order making things work doing what was necessary to maintain that which was expected of me. And I think back and I realize how much I no doubt missed ... I was unable to perceive much of life other than through the lens of my own logical making and reasonably so I might add because I had to make it work I had to see that every little thing found its place or niche and all these material needs were met and there were plenty of toys under the Christmas tree or at least paid for in some reasonable amount of time. And with ten kids no matter how much you economized it never seemed to be enough. Of course my ex was in charge of most of that and she was great at economizing but Christmas apart from the fun that the kids had eventually became just another burden. I was caught up in the material responsibilities of making it happen and in the process I think I missed it Sure I was Dad taking the pictures as the family exchanged gifts and openned presents There was plenty of food and treats that we could all pig out on during the day but I found myself retreating to my room doing whatever because as much as I may have wanted to I had little in common with these who were my own children and increasingly my ex. I found myself becoming a stranger in my own home. And this is well before I ever made a decision to leave my business and pursue my dreams. For a long time and I can hardly pin point a beginning but for a long time I tried to figure out a lot of things that simply did not connect regarding how things were supposed to be and the way they really were as I had to be responsible in what they were supposed to be. And the burden of responsibility I found robbed me of so much of the feeling and connectedness to the ones I loved that really was and is the heart of what it was all about.

In March, 2007, I got a part time job doing floor care for a major toy store in Frederick Maryland. About a month later my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She had already done the research and knew what it took to obtain a no fault divorce in the state of Maryland. She wanted me out. What led to her decision we will go into another time. But to say the least I was caught off guard and didnt know what the hell was going on. Through mutual agreement I was given a few months to get some monies together and find someplace else to live. Though it may seem ironic she wanted me to draw up a separation agreement outlining our various responsibilities and properties to be retained. It was quite clear that divorce was her intention and counseling and reconciliation were possibilities that had long been passed. In many ways our values and perspectives were in two different worlds. But through occasional blowups and arguments and attempts at reasoning we came to a mutually satisfactory separation agreement. I will not go into the details of this right now maybe in the future but the lawyers were kept out of it, I got my freedom, she was not requesting any alimony, child support became a non-issue as I was not making sufficient to even support myself and made it quite clear to her that she wanted to press the issue I would be just as happy to spend the time in jail. I did assume a great many credit card debts which over the past few years or more increased all the more, and I find myself in default of, but simply do not have the resources necessary to make good and deal with these. I found a very old mobile home for sale in Gettysburg Pennsylvania thats about 50 miles from where we lived. It wasnt much, but sufficient for a single man and I didnt need any more. I drew monies on several credit cards to pay for this. Closing didnt occur until mid July 2007 and I moved in the following weekend. I have always been fascinated with the town of Gettysburg, ever since elementary school. Even as my ex and I brought our children into the area to explore the battlefield and come to Civil War reenactments, Id always considered this to be a place I would like to have actually retired too. This is another thing that seemed ironic separated yet in a place I always wanted to be. Even prior to writing up our separation agreement I signed our house over to my wife. My interest was not in holding onto properties. And as we came to an agreement as to what the division of equities in the home should be, I was only expecting such that could be enough to cover what I needed to relocate myself. All the rest, excluding my personal property, books, musical equipment and guitars, all other properties were hers as far as I was concerned. She was assuming all the responsibility for the care of our minor children and I did not want to (neither did she) get into a bickering battle that would only affect the kids in a more negative manner or the only ones to profit from our separation would be the lawyers. I continued to work at my job in Frederick Maryland commuting from Gettysburg about 35 miles one way. This really was a fucked up work schedule, sometimes four hours in the morning and four hours late at night. Eventually it became the midnight shift four nights a week and its a miracle Id made it a home in the mornings more than once falling asleep at the wheel. When I move to Gettysburg I was going through emotional withdrawals. I mean I was suffering. I would walk from one end if the mobile home to the other, balling like a baby. I would often find myself going to my former home to help around the house just to do things to be close to my still wife. But she wanted nothing to do with me. And even as I attempted to show my affections to her I was informed that my presence upset my youngest daughter who was about fifteen at the time. I had never grown very close to this daughter had never really had the opportunity to grow very close to most of my children but thats another story well get into. But not being able to show my affection to my wife

because of my children I was finding very difficult to comprehend. I must admit I still do. During the time just prior to separation and continuing ever since I had been writing and blogging extensively, at the time particularly on MySpace, I had been encouraged over the prior year (20062007) to become more open an expressive of my feelings in my writing. I was getting a large amount of this encouragement from Brian in New Zealand who had become a mentor of sorts to me. In most of those writing I dealt with spiritual issues and more often increasingly how they affect all of our lives. I found very little in culture and social situations that did not have some spiritual and (as I garnered more knowledge) psychological root to the ways we deal with life and create our realities. Ill go into a lot of the stuff that I was learning at another time, it is too extensive to deal with here. But during this period I wrote an essay dealing with terrorists and I was not speaking of Islamic political terrorists, I was speaking of the many things in our lives, the assumptions that we harbor as truth, the social structures that we submit ourselves to, the political and economic systems that dominate our lives, and the personal relationships that we allow to dictate what it is that we are and what we believe and how we behave. And as I became more personal in this writing the fact that in our marriage my wife and I had allowed the relationship of our children to become such as to how we would relate to each other as man and woman husband and wife our children coming between us and I became the odd man out. I received a phone call from my eldest daughter while I was at work one evening she only had one thing to say I hope you die. A short time later I got a phone call from my second daughter I wish you were dead. Of course I knew that the second call was only her following the example of her older sister. But it hurt it still does. I try to connect with these daughters on Facebook but neither has accepted the invitations thus far. For about a year prior to our separation in July of 2007 my wife had made herself increasingly distant from me. But I cannot say that I had not been becoming distant myself as I had always been more of a spiritual pilgrim or explorer often going through periods of intense reading and learning whereas my wife was content with the more mundane issues and values of maintaining a comfortable suburban lifestyle. Not that I judge her for wanting to live comfortably but our values had evolved quite separately and our worlds no longer seemed to mesh. Of course many other things going on I was becoming more involved with the music she was becoming more involved with her work. About six months before our separation I noticed my wife starting to clean out our drawers personal intimates things that only pertain to her and I pictures we had taken videos that we had made sexual materials that we had in years past enjoyed together. It was at this time that she chose to no longer sleep in our shared bed but rather on the couch in the living room. You would think I wouldve gotten the message by then, but I was too dumb and hoping something would change. It did change but not exactly the way I had hoped. I look back and I realize now that I was evolving out of something and into something new. Of course, I didnt have a clue what that was at the time. But now I found myself living in Gettysburg an emotional wreck cast out and adrift didnt really have a clue what I was supposed to do. I didnt like being alone I started looking at the pictures on various dating sites porn sites even tried to connect with a few ladies but I was in no kind of state to try any kind of a relationship -- and Im sure these ladies knew it. In early September, 2007 I received a phone call from a band manager in New York State. She told me of a band that was being put together in Seattle Washington. After talking to her and the bass player they wanted me to fly out to check out the thing and within the next two weeks I did fly to Seattle and everything seemed like it was pretty cool. I made arrangements to put my mobile home up for sale and make my way out to Seattle (hauling everything I owned in my pickup and trailer) and thought I would be relocating there. But by the time I got to Seattle the situation had changed the drummer was gone and the manager and bass player appeared to be grasping at straws

as to just how things should be done. Within a month I could see as things were, and with my financial situation as it was there was little reason to stay on board and decided to head back east which I did beginning mid December 2007 --- via Greeley Colorado for a month and wound up back in Gettysburg in February 2008. I had the opportunity to stay in Seattle while the bass player and manager returned to New York state for a month in January 2008 and one of the reasons I chose to leave and head back east was the bass player had a wife and she was a very attractive woman and in many respects we were becoming friends and I have little doubt if I had been in a house with her without regard for worry I would have found my way into her bed. I am not such a spiritual man has to deny that I feel what it is a man feels for a woman. Before I left Gettysburg for Seattle (Oct 07) I dated my then wife hoping to rekindle what it was we had between us. I found myself seducing her and as I was driving her to pick up my truck from where we had mutually agreed to meet she expressed the guilt she felt for having made love to me. When I returned to the east and met her in the parking lot where she worked to get the keys and a few other things that she had taken care of while I was in Seattle, she acted as though she was afraid of me and treated me as though I was some pervert wanting to accost her. The manager where she was employed came out attempted to confront me as though something was expected to happen. I was dumbfounded. I left in a quandary trying to understand what was going on. I still dont know all I understand is life goes on and I have to find my way from here. In December, 2007 I began to connect on Multiply.com, started to relate to a few people but for the most part it was all pretty superficial. Some friends were just there to waste time, to bull shit, and there were a lot of us really into the whole political circus that was going on at the time. Eventually I started to express myself more so politically and diving into some spiritual things and psychological things that had been opening up to me. During that time just prior to my separation and up to this point and even continuing through the next year I was a voracious reader psychological, spiritual, scientific, political, and historical I forbade myself nothing much that at one time in my life would have been considered anathema but I was finding there was a great deal of truth that had been kept hidden from me, and I was soaking it up like a sponge. During the spring of 2008 I also found myself getting into more advanced studies with my music and put together several jazz pieces including a very avantgarde improvisational acid jazz piece. Though I think few might actually get into some of this, I was reaching the zenith as to my creative abilities. This was the most isolationist period in my life. And my entire social life was found online. I became attracted to a woman in Michigan divorced and raising two children in their early teenage years. Politically we were connecting very strongly and as esoteric spiritual explorers we shared some common interests. We spent considerable time chatting with each other only talked to each other twice. But I was becoming attached to her, and was obvious she liked me very much as well. In midsummer she visited her mother. We had made arrangements to try and connect during this time but nothing came of it. When she returned home and we did try to connect late one night she started grilling me it was obvious something had changed and as I began to put the pieces together it became clear that she had talked to her mother concerning me and the most cogent think she could communicate to me was my need to return to my wife, who had already instigated divorce proceedings, because I had never taken my dick out of her. This began the disintegration of the relationship with this lady in Michigan. We chatted less and less frequently after that. We remained friends over the year and I had written to her expressing my interest but never received any replies or encouragement. I eventually broke off all contact and connections with her. In the early summer of 2008 I obtained a permit from the Borough of Gettysburg to legally busk on the streets and solicit money from listeners. I did this for about six weeks with little success. I became aware of a bluegrass jam session that was held at a local bluegrass shop on Friday nights and was a

regular there every Friday night from July 2008 through February 2009. This was excellent live playing with local pros and amateurs and though I was not a bluegrass impresario I was given ample lead time and added a distinct flavor to what was normally a traditional bluegrass purist gathering. I had hopes of doing more contemporary material with some that I became associated with, but this never worked out. Rather I experienced a lack of vision, ambition and willingness to do what is necessary to make such a thing come together happen. Much the same problem I encounter in many like situations. During the fall of 2008 I had to start selling off my equipment in order to survive. Credit was gone and there was no work to speak of. I was selling virtually everything I had, guitars, PA equipment; recording equipment amplifiers you name it. By February 2009 anything that could be sold had been sold, and in March I made my last rent payment, electric was cut off by the end of the month and my only means of communicating with the outside world was to go to motels to find hotspots and tap in, to search for a new direction. During this time some of my online friends sent some money. Not enough to get the electric back on or pay the rent, but enough to get out of town. One of my contacts was a musician living in Rhode Island. He made me a tentative offer to join him in Rhode Island, and see what we could put together. There was little choice other than to head to Florida and set up a tent, so I jumped at the offer. It took us a while to finally start to define what it was we were trying. Actually it never really came together, other than we reworked some of my partners old tunes and were starting to produce a sound that showed promise, but there were too many issues, primarily health and psychological problems I had not been aware my partner had. Eventually these were too much to contend with. There reached a point that I had begun to relate to a woman online, and this became an issue my partner felt insecure about and could not deal with, and I was being encouraged to explore other talents that I had not previously considered my writing. My relationship with Jillian who was living in Montana was instrumental in causing me to journal and write my experiences and deeper inner feelings and impressions. I had been doing this before, but with her encouragement I was gaining a confidence I had never considered or took seriously before. I owe her a debt of gratitude besides affection that I will carry the rest of my life. Most of the essays that are included here were originally written to her. They cover my becoming disassociated with my partner in Rhode Island, living in my pick-up truck in the middle of winter, my arriving at the Lighthouse Mission in Terre Haute, and my evolving perceptions from fearful to a sense of co-existing, and finally holding a place of responsibility and oversight working with the residents and with the staff of the mission. I still have significant religious differences with the missions Orthodox Christian ideals, not that I reject them entirely, but rather I do not accept the literal interpretation and infallibility of the Bible. I rather find what I perceive as a deeper spiritual meaning and dimension than can be understood through a literal interpretation and also find historical error and manipulation of the texts that Orthodoxy is not willing to consider. Yet, I find I can coexist in this environment at least until I am confronted with a degree of spiritual compromise that offends my own conscience and at that time will need to make my decisions to deal with it accordingly. My spirituality is essentially who I am and what I have done and what my intentions and focus is It cant be separated although intention and focus are primary. I believe that which we call the divine resides in everything and we, human beings, are essentially spiritual residing in a body that is basically an extension of our spiritual being. In a sense spirit slowed down to be comprehensible in a material environment. If quantum physics theories prove reliable... I think that which may have been at one time perception of the mystics and other spiritually attuned individuals may well prove to have scientific validity. Scientific models of Quantum physics, field theory and others finding credence all fascinate

me, as they substantiate the potentiality of much that had once only been the experience of mystics, shamans and the occult (of course these are only models, and models change, but psychic experience beyond what is conventionally accepted, may well find validity, as we continue to explore and study these beyond traditional Newtonian paradigms). I believe there are possibilities for realizing spiritual truths transcending the physical resident in each and every one of us and as we consider and master our own being understanding what we fully are as human beings we see ourselves aligning with the universe and becoming free from limiting material human constructs of what the universe and humanity should be defined as. I do not believe there is a separation of spirit, soul and body they are all one but only defined as separate entities for the sake of trying to perceive truth about us deeper in us and yet transcending our persons. I believe ancient myths are not to be understood literally, as pointing to deific figures, but are metaphors of what we are, or can be as human beings. Their purpose is not the establishment of a hierarchical order, but rather to teach us of our own human potential. The same is true of tales of indigenous peoples such as the American Indian. The characters of the hero, the fool, the wise man and all the many others are archetypes of our human experience. I believe dreams are windows into our deeper subconscious and speak to us of who and what we are, hidden deep inside and emerging to the surface. Understanding them leading to understanding ourselves and realizing what is our greater potential as human. I believe love magic and miracles are all essentially the same thing manifesting as we give ourselves to a deeper truer understanding of ourselves. I believe the most significant thing a human being can experience is this intimate love relationship with another transcending the sexual but finding its greatest physical expression in the celebration of the sexual union. I believe death is not the end I do not believe in heaven or hell except as we create them in our own lives I believe life consciousness continues after we discard our physical bodies I believe energy cannot be destroyed only changes form and finds expression ad infinitum We are all connected and one and it should always be remembered that these perceptions are always evolving and expanding as long as the human heart and mind are open to fuller understanding In a nut shell I believe the orthodox Christian Church (which basically includes them all) is essentially a perversion of what the church never was and more than anything a political entity sanctified by the political order first and most fundamentally during the time of the Roman emperor Constantine. There is a great deal more I could say about this as to how I come to my conclusions, but it should suffice to say I have done my homework. And actually I think I have written quite enough at least until I start getting questions. Then well take off again.

I do not know what I am who I am what Im supposed to be I have some interests and skills Though I think my values are relatively simple, I know I can be very complex, as another may try to understand me. I find I do not live to relate as an animal (not wholly) I take pleasure in what I am physically as a man and I want to pleasure my woman but I do not take pleasure in many women I want my relationship with my woman my lady my one and only I want it to become the everything that it can become with just this one this one that I can commit myself to this one that I know loves me this one that I know gives herself fully and wholly to me And I to her. Some consider this attitude this philosophy too constraining and limiting, I do not. I find this to be the only way for me to realize what it is for me to be complete as a human being and a man. I do not care how these values

became part of what I am I just know, they are and this is true spirituality.

Chapter Three On the Road

I arrived in Foster Rhode Island April 9 2009. I was happy to be here but a little apprehensive as to what or how things were going to work out. I was grateful for Ed opening up his home and be willing to take a chance on a virtual stranger who he had only become acquainted with over the Internet. We were both musicians and for about a year or so have come to appreciate each other's talents and knew from the start that there was a potential collaboration that could be realized. But being cautious old souls that we are neither of us were in any rush to jump into anything. But now I had reached a point in my own situation that I had to do something. Through our correspondence I finally said to Ed "We can do it now or I can head to Florida and set up a tent". In a few days he had thought things through and figured he really didn't have anything to lose by having me come and stay with him for a while and see what we could put together. As resources were finally gone and I had only enough money to make a one way trip I headed for Foster and whatever may be. I had a GPS unit hooked up to my laptop and it was easy to find Ed' home. This had served me well traveling back and forth across country a year and 1/2 earlier when I had gone to Seattle to explore band possibilities there. I pulled in the driveway and Ed came out to greet me. He knew pretty well exactly what time to expect as I had been pulling into motels hitting the hot spots and communicating with him on the Internet. I walked in his front door and the first thing to strike me was this potent aroma of marijuana. I really don't think he knew it was as pervasive as it was. And I'm not sure but I can pretty well guess we most likely passed the sacred herb to initiate our association. I was originally supposed to set up a residence in an old travel camper that was parked in the woods on his property, but after Ed head examined its condition he had set aside a room that would become my home for about the next nine months. We came to an agreement that if he decided it was not working between us he would give me $100 to get me on the road. While I was to stay there I would be responsible to help take care of the property, clear some downed trees in the back end in general do odd jobs to justify my room and board. During the summer and fall months this worked out well but as the cold weather started to set in and there was less to do outside it became obvious something else had to be considered. For the first few months we're both trying to get our bearings. We both had extensive musical talents and background, Ed had a great deal of recording hardware and I had an expertise in recording and mixing using Computer Software. Ed was a proficient songwriter I was a well rounded lead guitar player. Collectively our experience was rather impressive. But it was very slow trying to get things going. Talents and ambition was not enough, there were personal factors that came in the way. Ed was bipolar, a Vietnam veteran, and had several physical and psychological issues he was dealing with. It had been over two years since he had been on his medication for his bipolar disorder. He tried to substitute his own remedy by staying high on marijuana from the time he woke up in the morning, through the day into the night and even as he would wake in the middle of the night. I on the other hand was much more structured and was able to maintain a regular routine of practicing, reading, writing and any other thing I could that I knew would eventually be beneficial to myself. Of course with it being around I did partake of the sacred herb more than I would have otherwise. Neither Ed nor I were heavy drinkers. At most we might have a beer at dinner or after a recording session, I would occasionally have a glass of wine, but by no stretch the imagination could it be thought there was a drinking problem between either of us, that simply was not the case. But there were psychological and

medical issues that I had to deal with and it was a regular matter of feeling like I was walking on eggshells and hoping I would not say something or say something the wrong way that might set Ed off. In May and June, Ed contacted a former drummer friend of his who came in jammed with us. These jam sessions were interesting, I was able to stretch myself in ways I have not been able to for a long time and found there was a dynamic that I had developed unknowingly and was able to come out with the right equipment and some decent musicians providing the rhythm section that gives the lead instrument the support he needs to do the things that the uninitiated would sit back and marvel at. With our situation being what it was, Ed being in control, and having severed so many of his musical relations and not really having the skills or the psychological temperament to manage people, little much came of trying to reestablish relationships with other musicians. We settled into a routine of reworking some of Ed's older material. This is not off the shelf rock and roll but rather more complex and creative pieces that could be reworked in a style that Ed and I both were comfortable with. We begin to simplify are recording method, using my 16 track recorder that I had brought with me from Gettysburg and using pre program rhythm tracks, bass and drums, with Ed on the keyboards and vocals and me supplying rhythm and lead guitar tracks. We were both becoming very encouraged with the sound we were able to produce and the quality of the songs we had to work with. But it was slow, very slow. There was no set routine, it was very undisciplined, and I never knew what kind of mood Ed would be in. But it wasn't my ball game, Ed was paying the bills, and it was obvious to try to light a fire under him would only be a point of contention that would cause him to go off. So I hung in there and waited. In August we had the opportunity to record a former Sun Records artist Wayne Coggswell. Ed had had a relationship with Wayne's daughter over the years. Wayne used to be associated with Sun Records back in the fifties and sixties and had written songs and recorded with Sun and RCA records. We went over to Wayne's home with my 16 track recorder and laid down several tracks of Waynes and recorded Wayne and his wife. We were also able to get about 6 hours of conversation recorded through the afternoon. This was mostly his reminiscing about the days of Johnny Cash and Elvis, Roy Orbison and Jerry lee Lewis. We were rather proud of our association with Wayne. His endorsement meant a lot to us. Through the fall we stayed in close touch. I was able to jam with Wayne that afternoon playing his 1952 Martin D28. Most of my relationships are with friends that I have garnered on the Internet. In September of '09, a woman, Jillian, and I grew very close to each other. Over the next several months Ed became increasingly jealous of this relationship and did everything he could to reason and argue out of connecting with her. Part of his reasoning was that he thought I was neglecting what we were doing with the music. But he neglected his own negligence and was unable connect the facts that it was I who was practicing and was prepared to his own unpreparedness. Progressively tensions began to grow and right around Christmas things were coming to a head. - - - -- - - - - December 17, 2009 ( to Jillian and Cindy, my sister) But this is about the events of the last 24-36 hours Jillian and I first connected back in September and immediately hit it off wham big-time. And it was not difficult to recognize that Bob here become very charmed and attracted to this new person

coming into his life to the disconcertion of a few who felt they had some prior claim to Bob I wont go into it, but some even stalked and made threatening assaults to Jillian and this really set Bob off. Prior to and through this time Ed and I were struggling on what was (and is) our association with music and putting the studio together. That is still not defined as well as it should be but we make do. We started recording on the smaller 16 track recorder I own and adding bass and drum tracks produced by the modules hooked up to the keyboards. We started to get a sound that was us. We began practicing and recording everything and progress was become evident. But there was and is a very lax way things are approached. This is primarily do to the lifestyle Ed had adopted being on a full veterans disability pension and an inordinate use of Marijuana constant I.E. virtually every waking hour. And other medical issues both real and (both he and I believe) psychological. Beside a history of psychological problems including being bi-polar which occasionally raises its ugly head. Now, I am no saint but the issues are more a matter of Eds inability to deal with things that bother him until they accumulate and the cork has got to pop. And the thing that bothers him more often than not is me just me being me and if I dont guard what I say and how I say it I might push the wrong button. Most recently what has been bothering Ed has been my relationship with Jilli and I might add my monogamist lifestyle that only desires one woman at a time and the emotional attachments that comes with that. Ed has a sordid history with women many women. And in the past I have been in his face unapologetically though diplomatically that I did not care to adopt his attitude and lifestyle regarding women. And as I have been researching tantric practices and philosophy, this also does not fit into his philosophy of women. Although we do not discuss these things. But last night Ed expressed his concerns and anxieties and though tension pervaded the air I hoped the issues had been dealt with I was wrong. He woke this morning and was incensed I was causing him anguish and upsetting his peace of mind I was lacking attention and interest and proper attitude to what we were doing with the music I had to go I had to get out at least for a few weeks maybe more do anything get away get out of his sight or he could not assure me he would not do something violent and he reminded me of his history I made no attempt to argue or debate the points I understood his frustration he gave me a demand to find something else anything else he would give me a few days but get out He said he was going to disconnect the Internet so I could no longer communicate with Jillian. I sat in my room not sure of what to do. I sent messages to both you two as you are the ones I am closest to. Ed came into my room and began lecturing me I held my peace. A short while later he came back into the room and was showing signs of calming down and beginning to relate more reasonably. At about 9:45 he told me he was going to his sons and would be back in a couple hours At this time it was becoming obvious that he was feeling sorry for how he behaved earlier but was not ready to apologize or rescind his demands that I leave. But he wanted to assure me that it was nothing personal and he wanted to hug me before he went to his sons and we hugged each other. While he was gone I was able to connect and chat with Jillian thank you baby I needed to let it out Ed returned at about 11:30 he came in and had a thirty gallon trash bag filled with something I assumed it was clothes or something. I heard him make a phone call to his son and said something about tomato plants. After he hung up he stood in front of the trash bag I was in my room and asked him What do you have there? he looked at me and said come and see. I looked into

the trash bag and it was full of freshly cut marijuana. I mean full Or what appeared to be full. Yep I recognized this stuff It was at that point all issues seemed to be resolved. You see... one of the projects here has been the converting of the attic into a space to become a lighted green house of sorts to cultivate a particular crop and save on the monthly expenditure. This has also been slow being realized but now we were a few steps ahead of the game and never may there be a mention of Bob being put out on the streets Not that I would But the threat of what I know and could talk about affords me a certain limited security. And in general Ed and I do get along pretty well and we can refocus on the music again. There is more that I shared with Jillian while we chatted and I wont go into. It isnt necessary. I also wont go into what we are doing with our windfall the less everybody knows the better But I kind of count that as a bit of a miracle when I needed one. Issues may have been resolved regardless I think they would have been but its nice to have that ace in the hole I can relax a bit again. And maybe Ed can focus more on the music until the next crises. ---------To Cindy (my sister) and Jillian December 29, 2009 Well I have been given marching orders again Ed walked into my room at about 5:30 p.m. today, after sleeping most of the day and demanded I get out move go anyplace period for the sake of his mental health those are his words up till this time (since his last blow up) there were no issues or anything that could have been considered confrontational and everything seemed cordial. I doubt he will renege on his demands this time and I will not use information I have to try and control him or the situation. He is not mentally well Last night and this morning Ed and I talked about finding a way to get me into a situation where I could be out of here by April Now this does not seem feasible he is beyond reason. Last night I also asked Ed about other options for the music I had thought about, which could involve the studio These received a cool reception and pretty much negated as he is not all that interested in truly developing things. I have been realizing my own need to get into a situation where I have much greater control as to the development of the music and band and whatever else may evolve from it. But as we all know I spent the past two plus years caring about very little and my life is one hell of a mess with nothing to show except my skills. I am letting you two, Jilli and Cindy know what is happening here I must figure something out fast I suspect days at most I can not trust Eds word you never know how his mood will change and the irritation I seem to cause him now is more than he can handle I do fear if I stay too long he could get violent not that he wants too but it is his condition. I suspect a homeless shelter would be the most realistic right now any suggestions are welcome I will try to stay connected online as long as possible who knows maybe therell be another miracle Love you both

Bob ---------To Jillian December 31, 2009 Jil Well baby, I guess that this will have to last you for a while seeing I dont have any idea when I will get hooked up again. Im sure Ill be able to find some hot spots where I can jot off a few emails and such but having to live through that before I know its not always very dependable. And considering I dont have a clue where Im going and nothing to go back to I guess my real adventure is just starting. Earlier I mentioned writing about how I became so detached and unassociated with virtually everything except my principles. I have actually written about this but not with this particular purpose in mind. Through the years as Ive studied much that I was getting turned out to be very unorthodox though I was not aware of this at the time. I had never been trained in Bible college or seminary and thus was never properly indoctrinated into the acceptable standards of contemporary Christianity. My thing was to do a lot of research pull from as many resources as I possibly could and attempt to draw my own conclusions, though oftentimes I did consider orthodox understandings as I was aware of them. Yet all too often orthodox perceptions simply did not square with what I was seeing myself or what I was feeling in my own being. Eventually as I became disenchanted with the orthodox religious way of life whether the ultraconservative or hyper charismatic, I walked away from orthodoxy altogether and began opening myself to broader dimensions of truth as expressed in many other world and new age and ancient mystic mystery religions. I was finding a great deal more that squared in these and what I was knowing in myself. And as I left the organized church a break was made where, if I was to remain true to what I really believed and knew, I could never be accepted back into an orthodox framework or network that would allow me to speak that which I knew, that which you hear me speak of so regularly when we are able to talk and enjoy ourselves. Many of the things I do not need to reiterate here, you know what they are, and though we all find ourselves living in finding associations with friends and loved ones within the context of these orthodox commonalities, whether we accept them as absolute truth or not, but I had gone a few steps beyond and actually challenged these perceptions as fallacies. That does not mean that there is not good principles to be gleaned in the context of these, these are only a lower and most trivial of what are spiritual realities. Few ever venture beyond them. Officially, to go beyond them is considered heresy. That being heresy does not make them any less real or true. In many instances there are those who do not even consider these things that just live them and do them and find themselves living in a spiritual dimension that transcends conventional thinking and life. But because I cannot endorse what Ive come to understand as the misrepresentation of the truth as it is presented in orthodox Christianity, my former ties and relationships have been severed. Now if I was invited to speak what I know and have learned by the orthodox community, I would most certainly make the use of the opportunity, though I am sure my assertion that the death burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ was metaphorical and not literal would be a great stumbling block. But this is the community associations that I spent so many years of my life and came out of. Now I certainly do believe theres a place and an audience who would be very receptive to what I might have to speak. In a very real sense in the same way that Im searching for a way to do the music I am searching for this place to speak. I actually see them as one in the same. I actually see my writing is part of the same thing. Because all I am actually doing is speaking and writing what is in my heart and

the same thing comes out in my music and though the music is a more universally accepted language that transcends cultural and religious divisions. I would also add it exudes a spiritual dynamic that cannot be realized any other way. And though I dont have a clue how Im gonna work it out and find the people and associations where I can make it happen, I do believe if I keep looking I will find it. Now I feel like Im stepping out into I dont know what, and all I have to rely on is the things Ive learned over the past few years and now I have to see if they really work. Maybe its all a fantasy an elaborate hoax but so much that I had learned has already proven itself true, and Im just crazy enough to think there might be something true in the rest there is a fools journey and there is a heros journey sometimes its difficult to tell the difference sometimes theyre the same either way it is taught that the gods protect both. Of course you already know that I believe that the gods are only metaphors for what we do not understand and theres a great deal that was not understood that has taken on greater meaning as curious men unencumbered by conventional science have taken science into quantum fields and found reality is nothing like we had originally perceived for so many centuries. So new myths and models are derived to explain that which is new and becoming known cannot be denied. Things once perceived only in mysteries beyond the orthodox mindset. Its funny Ed had been laying in his room, I presumed sleeping (it is now 11:50) and is up now wandering around Im sure he could here me dictating as I was writing here. I think he feels threatened by my presence and not knowing what I write. So much of my life had been invested into the orthodox community both in terms of teaching and writing and my music. But coming out of that mindset establishes a chasm that cannot be crossed at least not by the orthodox mind. I personally can go one way or the other I understand the myth and I understand the reality and do not confuse the myth as a literal absolute. Theres a great deal more depth to it and it is this depth that orthodoxy finds threatening. And thus as one minister once described me Youre dangerous I wasnt sure how to take it at that time now I laugh not that Im really dangerous, but my thoughts can be as they go against the grain of conventional religious thought. I.e. I dont play their game or maybe better said I stopped playing their game maybe if they paid me more I would have kept playing hmmmm? Im beginning to ramble and Im tired and I dont like whats going to happen but there doesnt seem to be a whole hell of a lot of choice so Ill tell you good night I wish I didnt have to go not that I'll mind being away from here its been good and its been rough mostly good its just the uncertainty that I dont like but I know you and I know you will be there for me and that is a very very good feeling. the rest is personal ... ---------Posted online January 3, 2010 I am no longer associated with SonXpro Studios ... Ed and I parted company as friends. Our dreams and needs are different and as these became evermore obvious I set out on my own adventure. I am living in my pickup ... hoping to work my way west ... I sure as hell wasn't going to go East or North from Rhode Island ... I ain't that stupid ... And I have nothing to the South that draws me. So I head west ... truck stop to truck stop ... hot spot to hot spot ... connecting as I am able ... and surviving as I am able ... I do not know where I will ultimately end up. I do care ... but ... that is not wholly up to me.

But I find I am set out on my own odyssey ... my own ... vision quest as someone I love might describe it. Though I am less inclined to consider the matter of what I do as of most importance ... realizing the love and support of those who believe in me compels me. I am a musician ... a damn good one ... disciplined ... self trained ... but connected to and understanding the innate feeling quality that is music itself ... apart from the mechanics and craftsmanship ... that only imitates what it is to be human. I play with passion ... and sensitivity ... I listen ... I adapt ... I feel with others ... and let it happen ... not just make it happen. I find I have things that others like to read ... I have found in the proper setting ... I can speak these ... And I have found one who encourages me ... in a way I have never known it before ... and causes me to believe in myself. But now ... I am on the road ... Currently someplace in Western Pennsylvania along I-80 ... at a truck stop(actually by the time this is posted I just entered Ohio) ... I left Rhode Island and wanted to get free of the East Coast corridor ... I find it over crowded and really over grown and quite frankly ... extremely dehumanizing the epitome of the system run amok. I am not trying to get any where fast ... I am taking my time ... but funds are short ... and survival is the name of the game. Over the recent years I had become aware of a means that independent musicians and artists and their supporters had begun implementing to both support artists and provide quality entertainment apart from the corporate controlled entertainment systems where $75-150 a seat is not unusual. This means has become known as house concerts. As a musician would find themselves on the road ... and friend who supports the artist efforts would have a party ... inviting friends who might enjoy the entertainment provided that evening by the musician/artist. I had researched this several years ago ... but was not confident at that time of my own abilities and whether I was suited for such. To put it simply ... I was comfortable and scared shitless to set out on such a venture ... knowing I would be sacrificing a great deal at that time. But fate or the gods work in mysterious ways ... and such it is that I am not only confident ... but I want and need this kind of exposure ... And knowing there is at least one who loves me and knows me for who I am and believes in all that I am .... regardless of my reduced state ... and I am not yet ready too give up the ghost ... I want to play ... I want to play for whoever will listen ... I want to share what I know ... I want to engage in intelligent meaningful discourse with any who are so inclined. And so I am available ... My requirements are few ... a meal (or two) ... a place on the floor that I can sleep for a night ... a shower (I shower solo) ... and passing the hat to acquire enough to buy gas and move on to whatever points may yet to be arranged and where I might entertain and inflict myself upon others. All this is quite informal ... and subject to whatever arrangements can be agreed upon as suitable ... I ain't too picky ... and I eat what is put in front of me ... The only means to contact me currently are the Internet ... when I am able to access a hot spot ... but ... I do believe in miracles ... just part of my nature. My email is bobcouchenour@msn.com ... I can only assure you that I can truly kick ass on a guitar and if you haven't heard it live ... you really haven't heard it ... and ... the potential of a discussion that can take us into the wee hours of the morning ... and maybe discover the meaning of life and solve all the worlds problems ... though I do doubt that the world would listen or pay much attention. ---------Posted January 2, 2010 It is Saturday January 2,, 2010. I had started to lose track of the days. I thought it was Sunday, I don't know why. I left Foster on Thursday morning, filled the tank, bought a large loaf of wheat bread, a 28 oz. Jar of

peanut butter and a quart of milk. I drove down I-395 in Connecticut and it started to snow heavily. It as cool with me because I was weighted down and my truck was going to slide anywhere easily, and the accidents along the way kept the local highway patrol occupied and not paying attention to me. I took I-287 in NewYork rather than following I-95 as I didn't want to cross through Manhaten ... did that coming up to Rhode island ... and that was a pain in the ass. The additional miles were minimal and no tolls ... which was a surprise ... I was expecting some. But when I went to go through the booth she yelled at me, Don't come through here... I was shocked ... If it's just the truck ... don't come through here ... ever. in a stereotypical New York command. OK... thank you I yelled as I pulled away raising the drivers window.... cool ... But the exits aren't marked that well and I missed a few... one serious ... I missed the exit for I-80 and was 40 miles south before I realized it. So ... I pulled off an exit ... studied the map ... and replotted my course. What the hell ... I wasn't in a hurry to get any place particular ... and ... one road seemed as good as another. I got gas again ... and remembered this is New Jersey ... the attendant has to pump it for me. The kid and I talked a bit ... He working till 10 and then going into PA with friends who put on a fireworks show. I drove on ... found I-80 after passing it again and backtracking another 80 mile detour. But eventually was were I wanted to be. Spent Thursday New Years Eve night in a truck stop along I-80. Where I gassed up again Got free coffee in the morning ... the cashier said it had been a slow night and wished me Happy New Year. I thanked her and went out to my truck to write ... spent about two hours ... more or less ... then hit the road. This was the beginning of the climb into the higher mountains, and I didn't really know how high they were going ... I had been up through here before ...several times ... but came from another direction ... this time it seemed the places I had visited before were much higher up than I had remembered ... but that is only a matter of perspective ... depending on which direction you come from. The decent on the western slop was not as steep and not near as long as the eastern climb. Before I new it I had crossed into Ohio ... and all the western PA towns I once thought of as on the lowlands, I now realized where higher up than previously thought. I found a hot spot and posted the blogs I had written. And made some connection to my lady in Montana ... The care she expresses to me warms me ... and put a smile on my face. I think we are beginning too realize the love and affection we really have for each other. Not that we didn't before ... but now ... it is proving itself ... in tears of concern. It's great to be loved. Moneys were getting low ... I got a little gas and figured to drive as far as it might get me ... I was staying off the toll roads ... so some state highways were used ... but it was just as fast ... but I kept my speed down to 55 regardless. Got scared I was going to run out of gas along 224 in Ohio ... small towns seemed to close down but I eventually found a place, got a bit more and got to Findlay Ohio. Small city, corporatized main highway WalMarts, Home Depots, and just about every other corporate entity stung out along a two mile stretch ... and the other side was almost as bad . But the center of town was virtually abandoned .... a few specialty shops ... the Third Fifth Bank (what the hell) ... and a string of Victorian homes all deck out with their Christmas lights. But the heart of town ... was no longer the heart of town ... but rather the decaying remains of years gone by. I found no bars in Findlay ... I'm sure they must be there ... but apparently well hidden. And it was cold ... I mean windy bitter cold ... and my heart was not really into walking the streets looking for a bar. I did find a hot spot earlier and was able to connect with my lady in Montana ... we chatted for about an half hour or so. These are the sweetest times in my life. And what's more ... I know they mean the same to her ...

I spent the night in an empty truck parking area behind a hotel. The comforter I have does a really good job, but being cramped up, sleeping on top of travel bags and whatever else takes up the passenger seat is not one bit comfortable ... and bent knees and toes that feel like they can only freeze is miserable. But once I can stretch out ... stick my feet down next to the heater ... and streeeetccchhh ....ah ... god does that feel good. But not as easy to fall asleep. I got up ... eventually ... when I had to ... had to find a way to relieve myself .... Did it once through the night ... but then I just opened the door and peed on the pavement ... but it was getting light now ... and traffic was picking up. So ... I got myself together ... combed my hair and tied it back ... and found me a MacDonald's. But before all this ... as I was waking ... I sat ... and the truck was facing south ... and the sun was rising in the east ... and though it had been cold through the night ... I sat .. and could feel the sun warming my face ... bringing me back to life. It had been a night of introspection ... examining myself ... who I was ... who I am ... what I believed ... what I believed about myself ... and what I was doing ... and the one who also believed in me ... and the qualities she seems to see in me ... things I had hoped ... but never articulated ... but hoped to be formed ... hoped to be me ... and I find she sees these ... I never told her ... I never prompted her ... I only spoke that which was me ... and she tells me what she sees ... and what I had hoped ... is what she sees ... I play no games .... I put on no elaborate ruse ... I only be me ... and to her I am more than I can ever imagine ... but my life is not a dream ... it is really happening and happening in a way, if I had known the particulars I would have run from ... but I can not run ... I can only live it ... play it out ... and see where it may lead ... and now ... it led to find a bathroom. I went in ... went to the bathroom ... and then went and ordered a medium coffee. How many milk and sugar sir? A long haired bearded young man asked me ... Ahhhh ... Two of each ... ah ... I guess ... I wasn't used to this ... He came back with my coffee ... with two dabs of milk (already added) ... and two measured portions of sugar (already added) ... What the fuck ... Are they afraid I'm going to stuff my pockets with milk and sugar ... I guess so ... anyway ... the coffee sucked ... not enough milk or sugar ... but the save a penny or two on me ... but the last time I buy coffee at a Macdonald's ... I will still use their rest room though .... they will still have that patronage. to be continued ... to late to do it right now I am currently in Lima Ohio... I will update this later ... hot spots are hard to find here ... checking a bar out tonight .... may have to pawn some equipment ... we'll see ----------Posted January 6, 2010 It is Wednesday January 6, 2010, I am sitting in a Starbucks Coffee shop with a large cup of black coffee. I am currently on the west side of Indianapolis along Route 40. Another of the strips of corporate domination. In some respects possibly good, but lacking in character that once was America. I wish I could record or dictate my thoughts from during the night as I lay crunched in the front seat of my pick up warding off the cold. They seem to flow so much smoother then, absent the distractions of noise, need and imperative to do this or that. It is at these times I know exactly what to say, what I want to say. It is at these times the meaning of all those that are important to me is exactly what it needs to be. Love and feeling are not abstracts,, but real entities ... real ... because they are all I have ... and the hope of connecting or reuniting is the most desirable.

I know there are at least two who love me and are very concerned with what I am doing and ignorance would be the easier part for them ... Some of my friends and contacts have compared me too Jack Kerouac and his travels and life as part of the beat generation and his novel On the Road ... I only know of Jack from snippets I have read or are aware of and the legend that is the man ... Jack Kerouac was on the road for seven years and wrote his book in three weeks ... and I have currently come to understand it was written at his mums ... after the fact ... But this is a new generation ... Would Jack have been blogging those seven years had it existed the ... maybe ... maybe not ... But I am of this generation ... and maybe a throw back or two ... and I understand the communications we now enjoy ... so I blog ... I think of these as notes for the book ... to be produced someday ... with the help of a lady who believes I can write ... So ... as much concern and heartsick it may cause these who love me ... I ask you to believe in me ... hope with me ... pray for me ... I find god elusive ... but I believe in the power of spiritual influence over wide distances ... call it good vibrations ... focused attention ... or what you will ... but we are all connected ... and affect the other as we keep each other in mind ... and focus ... Saturday Jan. 2, I sat in the parking lot of MacDonald's in Finlay, Ohio ... and large map atlas draped over my steering wheel ... contemplating what was next. The night before found little in the way of prospect ... bars in particular ... or other such venue ... though I admit it was so friggin' cold I wasn't all that enthused to go street walking through the closed down and nearly abandoned heart of town. So, I sat and I considered what appeared to be the next best move. Lima ... just abut 35 miles south on I-75. It appeared to be a college town, two large universities ... what the hell ... seemed as good or more promising than where I was ... so I headed south through Finlay, made a turn that turned out out to be just another of the may wrong turns I could add to my list ... but my innate sense of direction did serve me well and despite my lack of street knowledge. I found the entrance to I-75 and it was a relatively short drive to Lima. Money and gas were virtually gone ... when I mean gone ... I mean less that $20 and gas ... running on empty. I drove through the side of town I entered on and the center and was surprised to find less of the corporate encroachment here than elsewhere I had been. The heart of town was not empty ... now it was empty being the day after January 1 and a Saturday ... I found out later a long holiday was the order of the day. I drove two a gas station, put in $10 and asked the cashier if she knew of any bars or open mic coffee houses. She said she drank at home ... to keep out of trouble ... I told her I wasn't looking to drink, but I needed a place to play ... I had too find something. She didn't know right off hand but pointed me to a bar up the street that did karaoke and maybe they could better direct me ... she also gave me a local entertainment paper that did seem to have a lot of information. I walked into the bar, Sportscasters, not a bad looking set up ... reminded me of a large saloon with dance floor and decent PA system, and round tables through the place. I walked up to the far end of the bar and the bar-lady asked what she could get me... Information ... I'm a guitar player ... I'm looking for a place that I can pull up a corner and play a few tunes and see if I can make a few bucks. ... Well, you'll need too talk to the owner, he'll be in about 9 or 10 tonight. At that point one of the patrons mumble something about another bar down the road ... I was given very obscure directions ... and took a ride too see if I could locate this place ... I might as well have been blind ... I came back and parked behind the first bar (Sportscasters) at the far end of the parking lot ... I decided

to see if I could pick up a hot spot, and too my surprise found a good connection out of several available. I was able too connect with the one person I hoped to and leave a few messages to others. As the night grew darker and colder so the wind also picked up snow was blowing heavily. I was not able to connect to the owner ... he apparently was busy plowing snow ... and it was a sparse night at the bar. I spent the night here ... this was a cold night ... much colder than the previous two. I bundled up with tee shirt, flannel shirt, quilted vest, and Kashmir goat hair over coat, all surrounded by a comforter that had been my main means of warmth for the past two plus years. I would start the engine several times through the night ... but it was cold ... scary shivering cold ... the kind of cold that could only elicit thoughts of pray for me Jilli ... I had found a pawn shop in town earlier and had stopped by ... it had closed earlier ... 2:00 ... and it was 3:30 before I had got there. I knew I need to pawn something to get any further ... I had determined it would be my 16 track recorder ... and I knew I would get screwed in the process ... but that is life ... when there is no time ... and you take what is handed to you. Sunday the pawn shop was closed ... so I was in a waiting mode ... I parked a while behind the bar ... and for a while in the truck lot of a Days Inn ... I slept a good while that day with the sun warming me ... little pleasures ... it felt so good. I spent the night in the Days Inn lot ... I was beginning not to care if I was confronted by the police ... I would be a prime catch ... so much I had left unattended in the years since separation and divorce ... I had not robbed any bank ... and I had not murdered anyone ... and I had committed not capital crime ... but I was guilty of neglect and not caring ... and particularly not caring for myself ... and all the incidentals that society deems I must be responsible for ... simply to exist ... so ... in the eyes of society ... I am an outlaw ... a vagrant ... worthless ... not to be trusted ... irresponsible ... and as such unworthy of what is human consideration. I no longer fit ... and I no longer desired to fit into something that I had come to loathe as empty ... a shallow hull of what I had found is my true humanity ... the love and feeling that had someplace over the years disappeared and became trivialized for the sake of paying the bills and being and doing for everyone else what it was they deemed I must be ... And become a stranger in my own home ... Monday I made my way to the pawn shop ... it was suppose to open at 9:30 ... I was there at 9:45 ... I walked up to the door ... a small hand written sign was on the door ... Closed Monday for funeral ... Shit ... damn it ... Another woman was walking up to the door as well ... What ... they closed? ... yeah ... closed for a funeral ... God damn it ... Excuse me ... you don't know of another pawn shop in town do you? ... No ... this is all I know ... Thank You .... .... FUCK ... by this time I had already spent the last ten dollars on gas ... and it was about run out ... keeping me warm and driving through town. I drove up the street and wanted too find a place too park and remain inconspicuous ... and of course got tangled in a web of streets that seemed to go nowhere ... so back tracking I eventually parked a few blocks up the street from the pawn shop ... This was the first of a set of row houses ... not duplexes ... but quadra-plexes ... four homes in one building and each obviously quite small. But parking was allowed on the street here (even in snowy conditions) and I was on empty ... and about $2 in quarters in my pocket ... So here I parked ... come what may. The end home was frequented by a lot of young college age people ... I mean ... 6 8 or more ... and later in the day a school bus dropped of a young girl (junior high age I would suspect). The Young people would come and go ... Later ... A mildly retarded black man walked up and down in front of the row house apparently trying to get his bearings and figure something out. After a while a black family. Two men and a women came out of the home at the other end and gave him instructions to come to the back when he had finished. He began yelling back at them ... Ok ... let me do my work ... I know what to do ... I do from here ... here ... and here ... running his snow shovel up one end of the sidewalk to

the other and touching the steps up to each home. They went back inside and He proceeded to scrap the walk from one end of the home to the other ... and then do all the stairways ... taking care to be as meticulous as he could ... He didn't want too do no half ass job ... He was proud of his work. He had left a bag of something sitting on the porch rail and one of the young people picked it up and thanked him ... he apparently ran errands for the residents ... He walked around back not to be seen again. I was bundled up in my pick-up ... comforter ... vest and fleece pull over jacket ... I had no place to go ... nothing to do but wait for the next morning for the pawn shop to open ... My eating had become sparse ... peanut butter was getting old ... real old ... not that it wasn't edible ... but man does not live by peanut butter alone. But a spoonful every now and then did taste good. Water was consumed earlier in the day too ... all two swallows that were left from the day before. But I wasn't feeling all that deprived ... no hunger pains ... I had fasted before ... for three days at a time ... and that usually by choice and my own spiritual reasons so I had no doubt I would survive the lack of food and other essentials ... just had never tried it in the cold ... I was covered in my comforter tent ... night had fallen ... traffic was sparse. Periodically a cop car would pass and and I would smile ... Sometime in the evening, I have no idea what time, I was asleep ... I heard a tapping on my drivers door window ... OH SHIT ... went through my mindit's the cops. ... I was wrong ... a man ... late thirties, maybe forty or so ... was signaling me ... I signaled I was opening up ... You all right? My daughter told me 'dad a man has been out there in that truck for several hours' ... I'm OK I replied ... Hard times ... Well can I get you anything? ... Well ...I hesitated ... I could use some water. ... OK ... how about some coffee to help warm you up? ... I was slow to answer, I didn't want to impose, Well ... that would be goo. ... OK ... I'll be right back ... I straightened myself up and waited, About fifteen minutes later he came back with a gallon of water, a quart of piping hot black coffee and a bag with two bologna sandwiches, a cookie and a snack cake ... and a quilted blanket ... and gave them all to me. I hope this can help you out, I know it's not much. ... I thanked him shook his hand and asked his name ... Cory ... I'm Bob ... I'll just be hear until that pawn shop opens up. He smiled and nodded and we parted and he walked back to his home ... I'm not even sure which house he came from ... He didn't go into any of the front entrances that I could see. I woofed down the sandwiches ... and though there was only one slice of bologna to each, they were good ... and the coffee ... best damn coffee this man ever had ... and I usually hate it black ... but this was good ... and the rest of the night was comfortable. I woke to the sound of increasing traffic. I sat there for several hours ... there was no need too move quickly .. it would be 9:30 before the pawn shop opened. I eventually motivated myself and drove to the pawn shop ... and parked. I walked up to the door ... still not open and it was 9:45 ... several other customers were trying to gain access ... all walked away .... after a while I walked up to check the door ... still closed ... then I noticed a woman inside signaling me to come in ... I told I would be back ... I had to get something to pawn ... she asked what it was ... I told her a 16 track recorder ... she told me she would not be interested in anything like that ... Are you sure? ... No ... I don't deal in that kind of stuff ... have you tried Kohns? ... No ... who are they?... Go down to the square ... hang a right ... then another right ... then another on High Street ... this will bring you round in a circle ... They deal in this kind of stuff. ... Kohn's ... What the hell ... another pawn shop ... I followed her instruction to the letter ... and there was Kohn's ... Just as promised. I grabbed my recorder and went in ... walked up to the back and waited my turn and then laid it on the counter ... The lady behind the counter asked what I had and I described it to her. She went and got someone else who had more knowledge of this kind of equipment ... she asked what I wanted to get for it and if I was selling or pawning ... I told her what I hoped she asked for

some ID ... I gave her my drivers license ... but it had expired ... she said she could not accept this ID... I needed either another form of ID or someone to do this for me... I explained my situation ... and she directed me to the side and told me to hang loose and wait. Meanwhile the person who had got the information about the equipment was checking EBay for resale values. Eventually the lady who was taking care of me told me I might expect about 50% less than I was hoping ... But I expected this ... it's the capitalist way... I grimaced, but what was my choice? I told her it was better than nothing and it would do ... she than said ... she thought she could find someone who could process this transaction for me ... another customer willing to do the deed for the meager consideration of $5. There were several employees aware of what was going on ... and they all had their contacts ... I just hung loose ... eventually ... and not very long ... a willing accomplice was found ... I didn't even meet the man. The accomplice provided ID... was given $5 by the employee and the lady taking care of me come to me with the cash ... and $10 extra ... she than directed me to a sub shop ... and told me to go there get a sub and tell them to put in on Kohn's account ... which I did ... Since I had left Rhode Island I had noticed something peculiar about the way my truck charging system had been functioning. My former partners Ed's car had a similar symptom. In cold weather he had to warm it up before the alternator light would go out and the alternator charge properly ... I didn't notice this at first about my truck ... I would sit idling so much ... I hadn't given it much thought ... but this morning I hadn't sit idling ... I was off from the start ... I had things to do ... and wasn't into waiting ... I hadn't let it warm up. Short stop after short stop ... not good for a sick alternator and weak battery ... I had gassed up ... and was aiming for Indianapolis ... Someplace along I-75 south all hell broke loose ... all the warning bells and whistles went off ... OH SHIT ... what the fuck now ... Then I noticed my alternator gauge ... Nada ... nothing ... not volt one ... Crap ... I knew one thing ... at some point this engine was going to die. I prayed for an exit ... anything. One was coming up shortly ... I pulled off and into a roadside gas and go convenience store ... of to the side so I wouldn't be in the way. The alt gauge was still showing nothing. I knew if I shut the engine off ... it would not start again ... I was running on battery ... and no idea how much life was left. But ... here again ... what was the choice ... there was none. I shut the engine off .... ... I waited ... I tried to restart the engine ... click ... cli ... then nothing. FUCK ... what else could go wrong ... I had visions of abandoning everything (still a very real possibility) ... I watched the customers come and go ... eventually approached one to ask for a jump start ... I had a little hope ... I figured if I could get a jump start the alternator may act as it would normally ... or normally in it's less than perfect state and charge minimally at first and increase as it was allowed to idle and warm up ... The fellow I asked was in a dual wheel Chevy pick-up ... customized .. He was hesitant at first ... and said no ... he was afraid jump starting would affect his electrical system. I thanked him anyway ... and returned to my truck ... A few minutes later after he had gassed up he pulled up beside me ... he had changed his mind ... He popped the hood ... he had a dual battery system for all the lights he had on his truck ... I understand the complexities of such and why he had originally been hesitant. I was already hooked up and it was a simple thing to connect too one of his batteries. The first time we tried ... nothing seemed to respond ... I could see very little reaction on my gauges ... eventually I got out and played with the connections to his battery ... I heard a drain start to occur as his alternator began too put out more than it had been ... I checked my gauges ... and there was life showing ... I waited a minute ... the tried the ignition ... it cranked ... hesitated ... then ... over ... it was running ... my engine started ... I watched my gages ... it was working ... I disconnected from his truck ... disconnected the cables from my battery and closed both hoods. He waited a few minutes ... I watched my alt gage ... it was coming up ... I gave him a thumbs up ... and he waived to me as he drove off ... I waited about 15 minutes and the gages were looking good ... I decided It had to be tested and got back on the road ... in a few moments the alternator was charging exactly as it was supposed to ... I followed I-75 to I-70 and drove to the west side of Indianapolis ... I found a hot spot and wanted to

write ... but was to tired ... I made connection too my lady ... I would find a Starbucks in the morning ... and write ... and here I have spent this afternoon ... and now consider my next leg of this adventure ... ---------Posted January 9, 2010 I am safe ... I am in Terre Haute Indiana ... I have checked into the Lighthouse Mission and have at least two weeks stay ... maybe longer if desired after review. I will say that it was nice having a warm bed ... and for a musician looking for an audience ... I have found it ... I will also say for writer looking for stories to tell, personality studies and all that is the more human side of life ... I have found it ... I do not have access to electric to write and hook up the computer but in general this is a good stop and a learning experience into the human condition that most of us spend our lives trying to avoid ... I will be in touch as much as possible ... and hope none judge my infrequency as neglect. There is a lot to come out of this ... Jillian ... I Love You ... I hope both the music to be realized here and the writing will make you proud. ... Cindy ... I don't know how long I will be staying here ... too many variables... but I am finding I am connecting with people on different levels and just because it is a Christian mission doesn't mean I have reverted to old religious habits... I find I need to judge carefully who I disclose what too ... or the religious folk might take a disliking to me ... but the residents are cool ... I will write and post as much as I can ... I wrote this yesterday ... and have just now been able to gain access to the Internet ... I am in the library in Terre Haute ... Too many variables to say I will do this or that ... or even know what I can depend on ... or hope for ... All I seem to ... I still love ... but wonder if it has been an illusion ... But I still love ... I still hope ... though I don't know what for ... I m feeling a bit depressed ... but I have been finding friends ... men realizing similar crisis of life ... so I know I am in the right place ... I will write more ... after I have had time to digest some things ... I am not quitting ... That has been one of my faults ... I don't know how to ... and I'd rather not learn ...

Chapter Four - Resident

I am on the road ... literally. And really not sure how such a state can be accounted for ... other than it is. It would do little or no good to gripe and complain that this one or that one is to blame ... or even my own bad judgment. None of those really matters ... not now ... not anymore. All of that assumes that we or some other force is in control. Now I am not saying any such thing exists, I don't know ... it has not been proven or established beyond any reasonable doubt ... and even those who propose some religious ... metaphysical ... spiritual reality ... do not prove anything. All they do is arbitrarily establish a set of presuppositions ... concepts assumed as absolute and foundational to the existence of all ... but establishing nothing. Only a system ... that seems to work ... at least one that can be learned ... managed and mastered ... and used as a ground for dominating and subjugating any who are not versed in the intricacies of the system that has gained the most influence among the many ... too engrossed in the everyday ... common ... mundane ... realities of simply trying to survive. As long as normally intelligent ... able and thinking human beings can be kept satisfied and sedate .... or so preoccupied with the cares of food ... shelter ... and clothing ... and elevated degrees of worry and concern over providing these and the well being of those they love ... the mastery of the human race is assured. And the masses ... knowing ... but mostly unknowing ... the slaves of the economic and political forces that rise to power ... aided and endorsed by religious hierarchies also buying into the dominion and control mentality for the sake of their own security. It doesn't matter if it is real or not ... what only matters is that the forces in control ... stay in control ... and the system appears to be working. The human being ... the individual ... is not their concern ... Ideologies may be espoused that give the appearance of individual participation within the overall system ... but these turn out in fact only to be options that the underlying system managers have built into the equation as a means of maintaining the illusion of individual self determination. The fact remains ... the human being ... the man ... the woman ... the child ... thinking feeling ... divinely enabled and created(regardless of what concept of such you may adhere to) ... this human being is born and made the ipso facto property of whatever it is the system managers would allow ... and as one grows and attempts to navigate and negotiate the system, is made ever more subject and enslaved to the system ... human realities of love ... feeling ... affection ... the innate creative nature that is the human in this world ... are all irrelevant ... What is relevant is that the system survives and operates in the most efficient and economic way possible. The human ... and what it is that makes us human ... is expendable. I am a human being ... and before I'll be a slave I'll be buried in my grave ... Early January 2010 Oh Freedom Oh Freedom Oh Freedom Over Me, Over me And before I'll be a slave I'll be buried in my grave And go home to my Lord and be free. I'm not sure I have all the words right ... but the gist of the message is there. ---------I usually write my blogs in a word processor and then transfer to Multiply, but time is short, and I expect this will also be. I am in the Lighthouse Mission in Terre Haute IN, and warm and being fed

well. There are about 70 other men here and about 4-5 families and approx 5 small children. This is a Christian Mission, and not exactly what I would have expected . It has very strict rules, but the man in charge looks like Santa Clause and has a big heart, and I expect the rules are the product of the corporation trustees, learning from prior past bad experiences and guarding their own asses. But, it does remove the more personal aspect of human kindness and relations in favor of a more impersonal bureaucratic system. But the relations between the residents is cool. All types of people ... ALL types ... yes there are the stereotypical mental deficients and those who simply don't think well. But there are many who have worked hard all there lives and simply ended up on the raw end of life ... discarded and rather forgotten by society as a whole .... There are the former drug users and recent parolees from prison not having any other place to turn ... there are a more than representational number of former truck drivers with no homes to go back to. I am making friends here ... The rules ... to put it simply SUCK ... in my personal opinion they are simply too over restrictive. Today was "lock down Monday" ... which means no one could leave the mission all day for any reason. Normally you have to sign out and back in and may not be gone for more than two hours. Not very conducive to looking for work or living a life. But I do understand the reasoning, but as stated above ... the personal aspect has been removed ... as trustees now govern who never have contact with residents and the man in charge has little he can do to remedy the situation or use his own discretion. I am usually drafted or volunteer to serve at meals ... if I stay here long enough I will be given regular duties. All residents mus attend chapel services eight times a week, attend an outside church, and if you remain, must be enrolled in a discipleship program ... I will face this if I stay ... but I know how to answer the questions and keep the fundies happy ... I never said I had to believe it ... I just know how to give the answers they want ... to keep my bed.... Along these lines there are ambitious residents aspiring to the Evangelical ministry ... some I share a room with ... and I have just the right questions and seed of doubt to sow to throw a monkey wrench into their own limited way of thinking ... they seldom come back to debate the issues further ... but will ask me questions. I am also taking another musician under wing and will be sharing some music theory ... AND best of all ... the sounds of my acoustic guitar ring through this place and the residents love it ... Three nights in a row ... at bed check ... 9:00 p.m. ... a group has showed up at my room and requested I sing "Lucky One" ... an Alison Krause tune that I have adapted to my own ... It fits me ... and they love it ... a star is born ... Oh I'm the lucky one So I've been told As free as the wind, Blowin' down the road Loved by many, hated by none I'd say I'm lucky 'cause I know what I've done Not a care in the world Not a worry in sight Every thing's gonna be alright Cause I'm the lucky one I'm the lucky one

Always havin' fun A jack of all trades a master none I look at the world with a smilin' eye And laugh at the devil as his train goes by Give me a song and a one night stand And you'll be looking at a happy man 'cause I'm the lucky one. Well I'm blessed i guess never knowing which road I'm choosin. To me the next best thing To playin and winning is playin and losing I'm the lucky one i know that now Don't ask you why, when, where, or how I look at the world thru a smilin' eye And laugh at the devil as his train goes by Give me a song and a one night stand And you'll be looking at a happy man 'cause I'm the lucky one Well I'm blessed i guess never knowing which road I'm choosin. To me the next best thing To playin and winning is playin and losing I'm the lucky one I know that now Don't ask me why, when, where, or how No matter where I'm at, that's where I'll be And You can bet my luck's gonna follow me Just give me a song and a one night stand And you'll be looking at a happy man Cause I'm the lucky one. ---------As I have written elsewhere the rules here really suck .... very restrictive ... but at the same time I realize it is the experience that is the real teacher and if I can convey some of what it is I experience ... I feel I may accomplish something. ... ... lots of rules that are pretty damn restrictive. But there are also some interesting characters that I will eventually write about... but ... I want to give you a small picture of what it is like here. This concerns a man called Calvin. Calvin was one of my bunk mates... I share a room with three other mates ... in bunk beds. There is no electric outlets in the room ... and the only lighting is the overhead florescent lights that are turned on at 6:30 a.m. And remain on for the day until they are turned off at 11 p.m.. It is very harsh lighting ... and trying to rest before lights out is virtually impossible. Rules include we are only permitted to leave the premises for two hours at a time (max twice a day) and must sign in and out ... and Mondays are no pass days which means No sign outs at all ... we are restricted to the premises until 4 PM.

Another rule is we are not permitted to plug anything into any electrical outlet ... which may be for our personal use ... This includes cell phone chargers .... computer laptop battery chargers .... or even electric shavers .... To use and electric outlet can lead to confiscation of what ever it is that is being charged and /or dismissal from the mission and being put out on the streets. Calvin was caught yesterday charging his cell phone while in the kitchen doing his detail (cleaning pots and pans). His cell phone was immediately confiscated ... Calvin confronted those in charge ... He said some things he really shouldn't have ... although I believe much of his grievance was justified. He was immediately dismissed and booted out ... for alleged threats he had made to the guys in charge. I had been Calvin's bunkie from the time I got here. He had arrived about a week or more before I had. Calvin was a black man, about 5'7, and very overweight ... I would guess about 300-350 lbs. Calvin was very quiet, spoke in very low soft tones ... never said very much ... but as time progressed he did start to open up to me ... and I was becoming one of his closer white friends. Calvin was really trying to apply all the religious stuff that is impressed on the residents and as far as the Christian requirements I would have called him a model resident ... But he did rub a few people the wrong way ... I am patient ... and found a friend ... I understood his frustrations ... That is something very few at the mission understand ... or ... have forgotten as they have advanced up the food chain ... or maybe never even considered. But Calvin is now on the streets ... because he was charging a cell phone ... and compassionate men ... fail to realize the meaning of compassion... at least ... that is my perspective ... I have more to say about the corporatism that has become the expression of Christianity ... much that I have written about before ... but not specifically about corporatized Christianity .... I no doubt will spew more along these lines as I am able ... if I am not caught pilfering electricity to charge my laptop battery ... Not to worry though ... I play by their rules ... I know their game ... My time is short ... I must end this and post it and then be back to the mission ... addendum: One thing I had not been aware of at the time while all this was going on was that Calvin was under suspicion for stealing from other residents. How much this played into the fact of his dismissal I do not know. ---------Yesterday I was able to move from a four bed room to a two bed room with one of my closest friends here at the mission. After three weeks in a room with constantly changing bunkies, lighting that could not be turned on or off at will, and no electrical outlets , I now have the luxury of all of these and a roommate I can trust and open up freely too. Though not having Internet access (which has become a staple of normal life to me) at least now I can plug in my laptop and write ... though officially I have to be discreet about using the electric ... it is officially against the rules, but unofficially, blind eyes are turned ... the basic rule is ... don't get caught. There is a group of about 6-8 dependable's I can count on here ... These are residents I am confident I can trust. Friends who won't turn each other in or squeal about minor infractions of the rules and guard each others backs (Side note: I was originally planning on posting this on Friday night but since many were going to a local church for a dinner I stayed to guard some rooms and keep an eye on a newer resident that many felt uncomfortable with ... I don't do church dinners any more ...). But the more religious ones are the ones you have to watch. Any infraction is a grievous sin and subject to the wrath

of those in authority, though I am also convinced that most f those in authority would rather not know and do feel for the real human needs of residents, but will act as deemed necessary to either protect residents or their own positions. But the religious ... Evangelical .... Fundamentalist ... ignorance that pervades the atmosphere and talk and limits thought and free expression of most is oppressive ... I mean .. after being able to think freely and explore virtually any metaphysical concept and weigh the merits of these as a free independent thinking human being ... being dominated by such limited perception and ignorance is truly depressing and discouraging. But ... as a matter of survival ... most learn to adapt ... talk the talk ... and the more ostentatious the show the more apt to survive and secure ones bed. There are spies ... suspected Judases ... feigning friendship and the hope of potential work ... gathering information to be delivered to the guardians of the faith and gain their own secured positions. I suspect one may even have searched me out and has read my blog on Multiply. There is just too much in the way of coincidence not to suspect some investigation ... So ... I retreat from such and hold my peace. This is not natural for me ... I trust to easily ... But I stay out of trouble ... and the official stance is that I do not have to believe the religious dogma, but only obey the rules ... though I have learned that to argue points of theology with the wrong ones can lead to eviction. I am careful of those I open up to. In general ... except for the fact that I am a neo-pagan-heretical-false prophet, I might be considered an ideal resident. But my theology could be considered a threat should certain persons become privy to the fact that I have and do open the minds of select residents to ideas and concepts of faith and spirituality that have gotten some predecessors burned at the stake. But I am finding it is all a part of the journey ... a part of living in a world dominated by ignorance and mens desire for prestige and power over the truth ... and disconcern for what ever it is that may be the truth. I have to a limited degree become a spiritual mentor to a few ... I get about three hours practice on the guitar a day ... with an audience that comes and goes ... and sometimes gathers outside my door. I have no particular set that I do ... just work my way through my book of songs that I have collected ... Songs that become apart of my repertoire ... A growing number with vocals ... and some just for fun and the hell of it. Sometimes I get a song in my head ... from years back ... and I work it out by ear ... and incorporate leads and rhythms and vocals ... all practiced and rehearsed in hearing of the other residents ... I have a theory ... practicing with an audience helps to overcome the self consciousness that can remain and impede a performance when practice is limited to closed private sessions. It seems to be working ... and when you have enough really good shit together, the occasional fuck ups on new material are readily forgiven or glossed over by regulars listening in. And once you get used to it ... that self conscious stuff just seems to disappear. My biggest discouragement had been my inability to write on a regular basis. I believe that is now changing. Now my biggest want is to be connected to the Internet regularly ... I still must go to the library for that. And if I am low on gas or funds (which is regular) accessing the Internet can be a problem. I do have a goal in what I am seeking to do ... to be as close as I can be to a woman I love This does not mean I am distracted from my music ... or my writing .... As a matter of fact ... it is this lady who is my prime encourager ... and I find I want her ... and I miss her. But .... such as I am ... I have a vision and a dream .... Without her ... I think I would become an aimless drifter. I will be writing more... though posting may be sporadic. It all depends on gas and other resources ... Even gas to get to the library today was unexpected ... a resident contributed $5 for a few of my Cd's

that I had given him ... but I have to conclude that it is what I needed ... and accept it as it may come ... after all ... it's not about the money ... is it? I am reclining on my upper bunk this Friday night ... leaning on my left elbow ... and typing ... with my laptop pushed into a corner out of view of the doorway and any wandering eyes that might pass by. It would be pretty satisfactory ... if only there were Internet access ... but ... not even a nearby hot spot to attach too ... so ... this will be posted to you in the morning. 2-3-10 January 24 Marshall ... A gentleman about 55-60 yo ... kind of reminds you of a short version of Charlie Daniels ... Marshall went to church this morning wearing a Charlie Daniels style cowboy hat ... really sharp looking ... and a long western style over coat ... 9:30 p.m. ... Marshall was AWOL at bed check ... It was announced in the TV room he was last seen walking a lady home from church this evening ... which was followed by an enthusiastic Way to go Marshall by everyone present. Monday January 25, Marshall shows up for dinner closely followed by a woman who had eaten at the mission for a few times and then not to be seen of. They sit together and eat their meal ... Tuesday January26 ... Marshall is called into the mission office ... Marshall returns to his regular duties and mission life. Monday February 1... A young resident is evicted for being AWOL the night before ... the reason for being AWOL was he was at his mothers tending to her needs being sick ... February 2 ... I learned that Olin ... the man in charge of the mission ... disciplinary actions ... is a former DOC officer ... Department of Corrections ... prison guard. Today Olin came around ... room by room looking in dresser drawers for prescription medications that had been stolen ... All medications must be turned into and dispensed from the front desk as drug abuse is always suspect ... February 3 We were subjugated to the Elmer Gantry treatment in chapel today ... Four ministers, three in suits and ties showed up ... It was heard as the ministers entered the room We're screwed today ... I replied with a hearty Yup!!! .... Everyone said Amen. One led in two obscure hymns (a few mumbled along), and one preached a hell fire and brimstone sermon how he was snatched from Satan's grip and turned to the Lord and now (because of his natural ability to bullshit and intimidate) serves the Lord and sets himself up as what you too can become if only you find the straight and narrow. I sit with the back row Baptists ... they're about as close as I can get to true pagans ... 2-6-10 I spent the better part of my life raising my family in the counties just north of Washington D.C.. These were urban, suburban, cosmopolitan areas. Our religious leaders were attuned to this higher educated environment and though maintaining a certain dogmatic position were able to communicate to a more sophisticated class ... Many of the families who found their livelihood in higher levels of national government as well as big business interests were the people these ministers had to relate to. These were not the middle American heartland preachers that I at one time had related to and now find myself in a virtual toe to toe conflict of will and theological one-upsmanship. For many years I sat under the teaching of men who could be considered geniuses. I have read the materials of some of the foremost Evangelical theologians, I refer to men such as Carl F H Harry

(Former Editor of Christianity Today) and Cornelius Van Til (Professor of Apologetics at Westminster Theological Seminary In Philadelphia, one of the founders of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church and teacher of Francis A Schaeffer) and many others of equal caliber. My personal friends within the religious Evangelical circles increasingly held Masters and Doctors of Divinity degrees or I was taken under the wing of evangelists realizing higher spiritual truth and reality and encouraged to keep up following my own vision and dream and calling as god might lead me. One even telling me to pay no mind to the devastation that would follow me. And though not continuing in a common Orthodox religious faith as most of these still hold, I was able to learn and glean a great deal from these men. I can no longer be considered an Orthodox Christian ... though I am thoroughly schooled in the subject ... at least by most Protestant standards. But the Protestantism that I had become accustomed to was grounded on at least a form of intellectual integrity that ... though not accurately or according to a reality that I now perceive as closer to the truth ... did not try to side step or white wash the issues, but rather attempted to apply a Biblical intellectual position and answers in the context of a community of highly educated contemporary constituents. I feel like I have stepped back into the Dark Ages ... at least metaphorically ... theologically. Whether recognized, understood or acknowledged or not ... there is a brain washing process that is attempted ... and not by intelligent persons of any theological integrity ... but it is the by product of lower levels of education, superstition and fear. It is a modern inquisition ... lacking the burnings at the stake and other such extremes ... but every bit as fervent and determined to mold the minds of men and women into a common accepted religious mentality and so create a Theocracy built on a presumed democracy ... but the Democracy is only a permissible form as long as it substantiates the religious order as defined by the Puritanical dogma prescribed by the limited literalist mindset of the lesser educated self appointed religiously motivated. Over the course of weeks and months ... this is precisely what I believe is the mission of the Mission Though there is a defined purpose to provide rescue services to those in need ... and that sounds good ... and ... in a limited way ... is good ... I am convinced that the real and ultimate purpose is the indoctrination of residents into a religious way of thinking that ultimately turns free thinking creative minds into conformist dim wits ... able to support themselves within the context of a corporatist dominated environment, but lacking the initiative, drive and wherewithal to fully realize what is their true human potential. I.E. Reducing the humanity of the individual to the level of the drone ... showing up to do ones religious duty ... conforming to the status quo ... asking no questions ... challenging nothing ... maintaining a decent social order ... and finding ones satisfaction and purpose in life ... consuming ... ever consuming and so keeping the system secure ... all in the name of God. I have known and been taught by some fine ministers. I do not hold to their Christian faith. I am finding that the state of the leadership of that faith is far less than what I had once thought. I do not doubt the sincerity of most of the ministers (male and female) that I have recently been encountering ... although ... that may also be subject to question. But I can not regard their intellectual and Biblical integrity as being anything but sloppy and built on what is more commonly understood as an ability to think fast on their feet, knowingly or unknowingly manipulate scriptures, intimidate and what most would understand as bullshit their way through things they only have less than half an understanding of. But ... as I understand it ... this is the actual state of Christianity. But I am of no account as far as all of this is concerned ... I have only spent 32 years actively involved in the church ... studied and taught the book of Romans, written a thesis on the first eight chapters of the book focusing on Chapter 6-8, became a licensed minister in 1989, written extensively on Christian matters through the nineties and through the first decade of this new millennium, written a book

challenging Christian musicians and Christian leadership, participated in and led Christian worship teams since 1976, and left active involvement in the church in December 2005, and since have explored a plethora of spiritual disciplines ... But as concerns the religious leadership I would be faced with at present ... I am a heathen ... a heretic ... a false prophet ... and I have to deal with Buffalo Bob, Howdy Doody, and Clara Belle the Clown. I am not able to write as freely as I would like ... at the moment I am on my bunk ... laptop hidden from view of passers by ... and I must listen and watch for footsteps that may herald the approach of less than friendly persons. I wish I could write as I had not so long ago ... wake in the night ... ideas fermenting and bubbling to the surface ... and simply let it flow out ... the words and ideas are so clear and refined in their own natural state then ... but ... I dare not ... the glow of the laptop monitor would be a dead give away. When lights are out ... it is officially ... for the lower end residents ... mandatory ... to be in our cubicles ... shut away for the night ... And if our minds could be switched off I believe it would be attempted. A guard sits at the second floor desk area ... monitoring our trips to the bathroom ... and periodically patrolling the halls ... flash light searching for that which may be out of place ... Our rooms have no doors ... and occasionally the light is flashed in to investigate sounds and snores and farting through the night ... The light beam has not penetrated our door ... not yet ... not at least while I have been awake ... And I think I may have been able to communicate my feelings concerning such intrusions. In chapel ... as we residents wait for our regular manhandling ... we talk ... and joke ... and do our usual bitching about conditions ... all to alleviate the mutual pain we share. The observation is often brought up of how attitudes of those becoming desk men often change and a sense of superiority is often resultant in those so privileged. I made note of the walk through's and light flashing incidents ... to those who were close to me ... but the chapel walls listen closely ... and word gets around ... and what may be assumed spoken to the few ... finds its way to ears not so close ... and my warning of lighting the fireworks should that beam ever penetrate my door along with the caveat They are not my prison guards or my keepers ... had its intended affect ... But these are sly ones we must contend with ... Our violating party still walks the halls ... only now he carries his flashlight over his head ... aimed down ... thus providing a wider dispersion of the light ahead of him ... and though not directly aimed into the room ... peripheral rays find their way into the room ... And as I am not blinded by the light ... I see the reflection of eyes through glasses ... looking at me ... atop my bunk ... looking back ... as another resident described me ... a panther ... a big cat ... waiting watching ... planning ... cool ... collected ... ready to strike ... Lord of the Flies ... yes it is like that ... OH ... and One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest ... I would also throw in a bit of Stalag 17 ... Hogans Hero's ... and Empire of the Sun ... But there are positives that I believe I experience ... and I will get to these things ... But what dominates more than anything is the religious circus ... But I seem to be one of the very few who can readily recognize the clowns ... puppets and ringmaster ... but I do seem to be like Myrle Lynch ... when I speak ... people listen. I just have to be careful who and what I speak to ... I believe one of the reasons I am here is to help Big Don, my bunkie ... I know this is the case now ... every person we meet comes into our life for a reason ... Don and I spend a lot of time talking together ... mostly me listening to his stories of his relationship to his first wife (some of these I will relate to you in time), his stories about being a trucker and outlaw biker, but the most interesting and heart catching concern his first wife ... she died of cancer ... he married a second time ... but it was doomed pretty much from the start ... Don was raised in South Alabama, but left home to live with his brother in Houston Texas at about 16. There is another woman in Don's life that he has known since teen-age years ... Don is a recovering drug and alcohol user and does

have a food consumption problem ... maybe it too is an addiction ... but ... I am not his judge ... But we relate well with each other. Don and my favorite subject is the women that mean something to us. Don is inspired ... Don is inspired by what I have been sharing of my feelings for you. Don had been afraid ... because of past issues ... knowing how he ... after his first wifes death ... had fucked up his own life ... and afraid of what he could do to fuck up this other womans life ... a woman who has loved him all his life ... and went through her own marriage and divorce ... but always held a love and affection for Don. In the past week or so ... as I had been going to the library ... to post blogs and connect with you, Don had been riding along and connecting with Lorna (the girl who had held affection for him all these years) ... Don has re-established a connection and relationship with her and now has plans to eventually join her and move in together, and most likely marry as he does have strong convictions and feelings to honor the customs of his parents and family. The point is ... Don blames ... or credits me ... and what I share about our relationship last fall .. and my desire to be near you ... with rekindling what he has held in his own heart for a lady ... They are in the process of discussing and working out their own situations ... but ... just being ... what I am ... sharing ... what I feel ... something very good is being affected in a friends life ... at lest ... it is to my way of thinking ... 2-9-10 My trips to the library to gain Internet access may be more limited for a while ... truck problems that need attended to ... but may need to wait till the weather breaks and I can work on it. So I will use four hour passes and walk to the library ... but I am only allowed two of these passes a week. So ... I will write to you ... from my bunk ... and post as a can ... One of the requirements to stay at the mission is that we attend at least one outside church service a week. This I find to be a reasonable request as it is a religiously sponsored rescue mission and their goal is to ultimately see the residents involved in local churches. There are short and long term benefits to such integration. I have been attending a church of about 200-250 (about 25 mission residents attend here), similar to one my family attended in the late seventies ... young ambitious families wanting to serve the community and their worship is contemporary ... two configurations of the worship team ... not to unlike the group I played with from 2000 to 2005 ... As a matter of fact ... besides the one lesser experienced team needing some direction arranging themselves and the music ... the only thing really missing is a strong dominant lead instrument ... But not for me ... The bus picked us up about 9:15 and we arrived at the church at 9:30. We first go into a large room that doubles as a smaller sanctuary and fellowship hall. We are served a breakfast of biscuits and gravy and eggs, orange juice and coffee. Really pretty decent and the folks are friendly. I sit down with several of my mates from the shelter and enjoy our breakfast. Most finish and leave well before I do leaving the table empty except for me ... I sit and enjoy my coffee. A gentleman comes to the table and I motion to him sit and join me ... You're the pastor here aren't you I asked... Yes ... I thought I recognized you. We get into a bit of casual conversation and then he asked if I was from Terre Haute ... No, I'm originally from Maryland and then a little bit of all over... I gave him the short version of my travels and involvement with the music. I think I surprised him when I started using Bible analogies to certain of my situations ... He was obviously needing to go and get prepared for the service ... but he left me with the wish I'll pray you are able to become a productive contributor to society ... I reached out to shake his hand and went into the sanctuary for the service. I often find myself on top of my bunk ... often ... sitting ... meditating ... legs crossed ... eyes closed ... contemplating ... I can do this for what seems hours ... Eventually I take out my guitar and start to play

lightly ... progressively getting into it and cutting loose ... and who the hell knows where these musical excursions may end up ... and it never fails that a new friend or compliment is encountered. There were a couple today ... the second set me into a very self conscious state ... Pastor Higgins was staring at me through the door of my cubicle ... smiling ear to ear and said Don't stop ... keep playing ... I continued ... but once I become self conscious ... the magic ... is less than it could be ... less than it had been. Pastor Higgins is the chaplain of the mission ... the head fundy ... the man who is responsible for the spiritual well being of the residents ... the man who teaches the Mountain Movers discipleship program we are required to participate in if we want to stay at the mission ... The official stance is that we do not have to believe what is taught but we all must adhere to the rules of the mission ... I do not fully believe this ... I have heard the stories of some who have crossed Pastor Higgins and ended up out on their ass ... I am not very theologically compatible with Pastor Higgins ... but I am an anomaly to most here ... I don't get pissed off ... I keep my cool ... I am quiet ... I keep to myself ... for the most ... although there are friends I am growing closer to ... And I know how to speak in Biblical language ... but many ... most ... do not know how to interpret these things ... and this may be my key to survival ... But some get the real thing ... but I don't think you'd find these regularly in any church ... maybe prison though ... or in the cab of some Peterbuilt or Mack running down the highway ... or sitting astride a Harley ... 2-11-10 It is cold today ... below 10F and windy. I went out to my truck to go through my boxes of books ... looking for one in particular I had started two years ago,, but was not spiritually and intellectually prepared to understand it sufficiently ... I didn't find it ... but found another of a collection of Thomas Merton's that I had purchased three years ago but never got into ... Mystics and Zen Masters ... all things in their own good time I suppose. I will look for the other book ... I know it is packed away ... in a day or so ... I had been slow bringing in these books ... some are occult and esoteric in nature and beyond the thinking of many ... but most read little ... and from a distance one book looks the same as another ... but I need to make the best use of my time. 2-12-10 ATTENTION RESIDENTS: THE LIGHTHOUSE MISSION IS ON LOCK DOWN EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE ... have a nice day Today started out crazy ... We were on lock down for the morning as smokers violating the rules and members from the family side of the mission had been complaining and raising a stink ... so Olin ... top dog ... got pissed and was shutting everything down ... passes were canceled and wasn't sure what was going to happen ... then as we were going in for lunch the lock down was lifted ... I will write more as things resolve over the weekend ... I must say though ... this is a psychologist/sociologist's dream come true for study ... I will post more on Tuesday next week ... I shut down operations this morning in case searches for violations were made ... I hide that extension cord pretty well (totally out of sight) and no one really seems to care ... but ... there are times not to ask questions ... or push ones luck ... 2-18-10 I just finished lunch ... I was drafted to help serve ... not too bad ... actually kinda cool ... I get to relate to virtually every resident who goes through the line ... I have to wear a hair net on both my head and over my beard and I'm sure it looks pretty funny ... but I take it in stride and it makes for an interesting exchange with some of the more reserved men ... It gives them something to laugh about. They do feed us pretty well ... but it is run on donations and contributions of food ... so some things do run low ... and often the menu is repeated as to what is available ... But I have to give the cooks credit ... they do all

right. My regular detail is to clean the stainless steel serving tables and tables in the kitchen where food is prepared after the evening meal ... It's not hard ... but I work diligently and get it done right ... and have a good report' with the cooks in charge ... I do occasionally volunteer to shovel snow ... but I think because of my age they would rather I did not ... but volunteering makes friends. I think I am in better health than I have been in fifteen years ... having lost 45 lbs in the last 2 years. Walks to and from the library a couple times a week helps too ... We were prayed out at chapel tonight ... In the opinion of most residents her ... that is a good thing ... It means whoever was supposed to preach didn't show up ... so after waiting 15 minutes after starting time someone says a prayer and we go back to what we want to do ... this is the fourth time in a row ... we've had a no-show ... we must be doing something right ... I went back to my bunk and improvised on the guitar for about 2 hours ... I think the residents (those who weren't watching TV) preferred my playing over the chapel hell and damnation and quit your drinkin' and drugs, get your shit together crap we are usually accosted with. The thing is ... I don't think 90% of th ministers who show up here have a clue what the real situation is in most of the peoples lives who end up as residents ... Granted ... there are some real fuck ups who come through here ... but they are not the typical homeless resident ... I have heard some refer to the middle class homeless ... and that is what most seem to be ... not derelicts ... drunks and drug users ... (they do exist) ... but these are not the homeless that I have encountered for the most part. I had always heard church religious sorts condemn government programs as being inefficient and not very effective ... I can not say that a faith based system proves to be any better ... true ... it does not use tax dollars ... but it has to depend on contributions and as I am seeing ... these my easily dry up as the economy deteriorates ... and I can not say that as a rescue mission that sufficient services to reestablish people are better than what a more planned and managed system may provide ... The emphasis is religious conversion ... and this may suit the needs of a few ... but on the whole this does not accomplish much except to leave residents feeling more condemned than they already feel. I am not saying that the man who runs this place and is responsible for the well being of the residents does not have a good heart and does not care ... I know he does ... He to was once a resident ... but the religious system is oppressive ... and donations and contributions do not meet the need ... But I do think having the residents do the work that needs done around here is good for everyone concerned. 2-19-10 The situation here is such that there are few that I can honestly trust ... I have been warned of spies who will feign friendship and use information to turn others in ... and I have even been approached to spy on a couple of the younger residents ... But this is not in me ... though I will not openly contend with the powers that be (which will lead to my immediate eviction I can not afford this at the moment) ... I purposely remain blind and ignorant of the affairs of others ... My manner is such that there are few that I do not get along with ... in fact ... I know of none who would have a problem with me ... residents or staff ... and those that had been stand-offish usually, in time, open up to some degree ... but you can not know fully what is in the mind of another ... and it would appear that the most gregarious are potentially the most dangerous and less to be confided in. Then there are the religious ... the ones who play the game ... and the ones who are actually sold on it or play along to take advantage and use religious knowledge to manipulate and benefit themselves ... these are the dangerous ones ... There are sincere ones, but usually they are simple, blindly but honestly ignorant, but do have a certain integrity ... and once I can know that integrity ... I feel I can be more open and honest with ... but like I believe I once was ... these in their own desiring to do right (good as defined by the ptb) ... trust to many to much and may betray what is a confidence ... So there is always a perception to need to guard all things that are said and done ... I find there are three that I can fully trust ... all ex-marines ... all ... at

different times involved in covert activities (this includes Don, my bunkie) ... 2-20 It's Saturday ... we just finished lunch ... I spent the morning reading ... I know you will not read this until Tuesday, but I feel it is the one way I can have a sense of staying close to you. My laptop is out of sight ... some of the more observant residents (my marine buddies) are plotting a comeuppance for a newly installed desk man ... a dick head smart ass suspected of thievery and trying to stick his nose into everyones business and walking the halls at night shining his flashlight into the residents rooms... and a few more ... Nothing he doesn't deserve, but at least now I am not the only one observing his actions ... but first the official route ... going to the man in charge ... but the marines do seem to have their ways to getting things done ... and the less I know of what that potential is ... the better for all concerned. I am currently reading a book Gnosis of the Cosmic Christ: A Gnostic Christian Kabbalah by Tau Malachi ... I had a great deal of difficulty getting into this 2 years ago ... Since then I have explored various New Age, Eastern religions and philosophies, Quantum physics, Jungian psychoanalysis, and more obscure esoteric ideas rooted in ancient mystery religions ... The ideas in this book, though still very abstract and complex, are starting to make sense to me this time around. In these teachings on the Kabbalah The Tree of Life and it's various aspects and components are expounded on. If you are not familiar with this, it is difficult to explain without some graphic representations ... No doubt ... there will be a time we will share these things together ... But more than once things are read that substantiate much that I am experiencing in my own being ... You know ... the kind of thing that just pops out at you and lets you know Yup, you got that one right. But realizing that (according to CG Jung) the Gnostics were actually the precursors to modern psychoanalysis, the teachings they expounded were in actuality spiritual inquiries into who and what we are as human beings and understand ourselves ... I.E. To know yourself ... is the knowledge of the divine ... and vis versa ... There is much allusion to sexual imagery ... the relationship between the masculine and the feminine ... and many different spiritual levels ... But even as reference is made on a higher level, what is revealed has significance on a lower or more concrete, physical, psychological, emotional, and mental level. I read a paragraph today that made me think ... and I have pondered this in not so few times and different ways ... that a man and a woman apart from their intimate (and not specifically sexual) relation to each other are only potentials ... the potential of what they can be but inactivated ... or at least substantially inactive to the full potential of what they can be ... Monday February 22, 2010 about 2:00 a.m. I am sitting on my bunk ... under a tent cover ... keenly aware of every sound ... waiting listening ... for the next walk through by the night desk man on his rounds ... a long wait ... but he passes ... and won't be back for a good while ... 2-24-10 As much as I have criticized the oppressive religious atmosphere that pervades in this place there are

situations that arise that do impress me for the real human concern that is given to particular residents who are wanting to get there lives back together in the face of very stressful and emotionally trying situations. My bunkie, Don, and I have become close friends. He is a former outlaw biker, marine and truck driver. He is mildly bi-polar ... not as bad as my former partner Ed ... Don and I talk a lot and generally cut up and bull-shit to a degree that many in the cubicles around us find entertaining ... usually finding ourselves acting out caricature roles of what former domestic life may have been ... and exaggerating them to the point of the ridiculous or insane ... but we are having fun ... these often fluctuate between more serious discussions about our hopes and desires. We know how to give each other shit without becoming offended and then break out into hysterics. Don is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine user (not to mention the many other drugs he has imbibed). He has in the not so far past had to spend 45 days in a psychological institution and sees a psychologist regularly. But ... to meet him you would only see a big (very big) jolly fat guy who loves to bull shit and cut up ... and he (and I believe this is a southern cultural trait) knows how to tel a story ... from his life ... about his wife (now deceased from cancer) and his exploits as a biker and trucker ... What's the difference between a fairy tale and a truckers story? ... A fairy tale begins Once upon a time ... ... a truckers tale begins You won't believe this shit ... A lot of things have been on Don's mind ... I get a surface account but some things are personal, concerning family situations in Alabama and feelings he gets as Staff and residents relate to him and misunderstandings accumulate that his inability to thoroughly deal with these rationally leaves him in an emotional turmoil ... eventually the cork pops. Such a situation occurred yesterday evening ... Don felt over burdened and frustrated with the way he felt he had been treated ... not by me ... but staff and residents as he has taken on new responsibilities managing the laundry here at the mission ... He knows what he is doing ... and does his job well ... but relating to others and exercising his authority is not something he is fully comfortable with ... I.E. As tough as he acts he really is just a great big teddy bear ... Well ... Don had it ... a situation arose and Don wasn't satisfied with the way the staff responded ... was not able to drop the issue and was ready to chuck it all ... he was leaving ... going to the Hamilton Center (the Psyche joint where he gets his counseling) ... I had been playing my guitar ... got down from my bunk and sat on the dresser drawers ... Don was hot ... red as a beet and sweeting profusely ... he was fumbling trying to put on his shoes ... ranting about how he was not going to be talked to that way ... Don, you're making a mistake ... I tried to tell him ... I'm leaving ... I just don't give a fuck anymore. As it became obvious to all the disruption that was taking place, the desk man who had offended Don showed up ... initially they were in each others face ... (though in what might appear to be a civil manner) ... but it was more a matter of two bulls butting heads ... Doremus, the head desk man showed up and inserted himself into the situation and began reasoning with Don ... Doremus was patient ...never raised his voice or lost control of his emotions. Don gradually began to respond ... After a while Doremus supported by an occasional comment from me was able to show Don that he was appreciated and supported in the job he was doing here at the mission. Don and the desk man who had offended him shook hands and a mutual understanding and respect was given ... It was not just a superficial show of reconciliation ... men experiencing similar situations of need and care dealt with what needed to be dealt with and came through it with a greater respect for each other and bond that will get them through more difficulties as they happen to arise ... I must say ... I have a greater respect for Doremus ... He is generally aloof ... very much to himself ... a private person ... a recovering alcoholic and resident who rose through the ranks ... but he showed me a compassionate side that most would miss if they were only to relate to him as he manages his desk responsibilities ... My compliments Doremus, well done. Then there are the peculiar cases ... personalities and relationships I am still figuring out ... but remain suspect ... all ... for the most part ... cloaked in a religious veneer ... and though the religion may be part

of a prominent display ... I think I have had enough experience to recognize the con ... and what I would suspect as potential or latent homosexual or man/boy symbiotic relationships ... sounds crazy ... but I can not help but think there is something a bit peculiar ... just a gut feeling ... And I certainly would not allow this to determine how I should treat another, except not extend a trust ... 2-25-10 I hate not being able to write as the thoughts come to me ... having to wait until I can plug in and not be detected ... too many thought s slip away ... I can only hope that some catalyst will some time reinvigorate them ... 2-26-10 I hate this inability to write openly, freely ... to be treated as though free thinking and intellectual investigation were a sin ... It's not the first I have experience this ... and I think it is something that extends beyond religious communities ...though I have found it most profuse in these as my experience is ... But I think it is a by-product of what becomes any established cultural norm ... fear of learning something that is believed could be wrong ... ... there are none who actually are coming to know me well ... and none I choose to open up freely too ... it is a trust thing ... There are the well intentioned ... those who would like to get in ... but various things preclude an in depth relationship ... In most cases currently here, a vast divergence of religious or spiritual understanding ... That does not have to be a factor in trust, but as most are dogmatic and unwilling or incapable of learning or considering concepts unorthodox or foreign it is well to take time to get to know who it is I would be open with. As much a I have come to be friends with Don (my bunkie) for a 46 year old man he has not grown out of a childish tendency to throw a tantrum ... I mean threatening and dangerous ... Fortunately I am able to talk to him and confront him in a mild manner ... but pity the poor ass holes who cross him or offend him in some way ... To many things to go into here ... but it is a constant problem with him ... fortunately my guitar playing soothes his mind ... and sometimes puts him to rest and sleep ... I called the census bureau ... the job would have required the use of my vehicle to go to different neighborhoods ... so ... they are keeping my name on file for the future ... If it could be a job that was in an office ... I would take it ... but not driving around ... so I will bide my time and see what else comes up ... My relationship with the staff and man running the place is good ... I think they may want to advance me in time to a position of more responsibility if I stick around ... but that is just gut feeling and speculation ... but I wouldn't count it out ... The problem is I am not exactly orthodox in my theology ... that could be a problem with Pastors on the board ... I don 't want to stay here necessarily, you know what I would like ... but ... I will wait ... 2-27-10 This morning I went with a group of about 12 residents to participate in a local church food distribution project. There were obviously far more volunteers than needed but it was good to get out and do something with others and see new faces. It remanded me of years past when I would load my station

wagon with food and distribute it out of our home. 3-1-10 I was in a little bit of a funk yesterday ... There is a young man (Steve - 26), former marine, who I had extended friendship to about 5 or 6 weeks ago ... Over the last three weeks he has been acting very peculiar ... He had, from the beginning, an over identification with his prior life as a marine ... All of the older former marines noticed this ... It is like his mind is stuck in the Marine Corps mode and he has no idea or concept of how to adjust and live in the world of broader experience and reality ... the normal real world of civilian life. He is trying to get back into the corps, but the general consensus is that he may have been discharged with a section eight. In is loss for direction there are no shortage of religious proselytizers trying to dump their orthodox Christian dogma into his seeming black hole of need for hope and a place to find purpose that apparently is alluding him ... not being repatriated back into the corps ... The Corps is his Holy Grail. Being ever the more indoctrinated into a religious mind set does not seem to be beneficial to his whole state of well being ... I really don't know what is going through his mind, he has retreated into himself increasingly, but the combination of the gung ho who-rah marine and a newly found religion appears to be a potentially dangerous combination ... More in the like of a cultist zombie than a model citizen ... Steve's cubicle is directly next to Don and mine ... Don and I cut up a lot and have more than our share of fun considering we are both in situations that would depress most others ... and occasionally we do have our moments, but they rarely last very long. But as we were approaching lights out on Saturday ... Steve hollered at me through the walls and down the hall, Hey Bob, why don't you tell us some more about ... something very close to me and he was laughing intentionally and sarcastically as to mock me ... My immediate reaction was to yell back a retort and then caught myself ... Don was in the lower bunk and by this time the lights had been turned off ... Don just said to me Don't let him get to you. I kept my peace but I was hot ... The next morning, Sunday, we made our separated ways to a church that many of us had become comfortable with ... I took the church bus and Don and Steve rode in separate cars ... I was told later in the day that Don had caught Steve in the mens room at church and got in his face ... Don told Steve Bob has too much class to tell you what he really thinks, but I'm just a redneck from Alabama, what you said to Bob was completely out of line and disrespectful ... and a few other choice words. I had related to Don earlier in the morning uni-dimensional, psychologically warped, mentally disturbed ... punk. And, after explaining the concept of uni-dimensional Don agreed, Yup!... I had no idea Don would do what he did ... 3-5-10 I have been fighting a cold for the past three days ... second cold since I got here ... they go around regularly ... The Internet connection has really gone to hell at the library ... I am going to have to save everything to disk and use one of the libraries computers ... 3-7-10 I have been sleeping away the days yesterday and a good part of today ... I had a cold and aggravated it when I thought it was done and it knocked me on my ass. But I am feeling better now ... about 85 % ... sleep tonight should do the trick. Joshua and Julie were a young couple who had been at the mission since I got here and a little longer. They have a two year old daughter who was the darling of the mission and every one of the men adopted her ... she was one of the things that really put a smile on everyones face. Joshua and Julie had

been together for about thirteen years, although Joshua was only about 28 and had two other children (not living at the mission and by another woman). My understanding is that Julie had some college education though I don't know if she had graduated. From all appearances they seemed to be a fairly happy couple, though life at the mission can be stressful and no one really wants to be here ... they still seemed to keep their spirits up and managed. For a time Joshua worked at a local automobile brake parts manufacturer and this gave them a little money for the extras they needed and a few small luxuries ... like ordering a pizza occasionally or something other than the usual mission faire. Not so long ago Joshua lost that job ... I have no details as to why. I had been slow getting to know them, and observed from a distance, but as my friends were also their friends I began to get to know them better. Sometimes in chapel, before it would actually start, I would be engaged in conversations about virtually anything from things to gripe about to Gnostic philosophy and theology, Julie would often be attentive to these conversations. Joshua, on the other hand, did not have a depth of mind to understand what was being discussed, and took very little seriously. There was a time in chapel, I was sitting behind them ... I leaned forward, touched both their shoulders as said When are you going to dump this guy and take up with me?, Julie said she had been trying ... but he keeps coming back and snuggled up to Joshua. Another time in Chapel a group we refer to as Archie and Edith were leading chorus's ... (they gained the moniker they have for a reason .... think All In The Family) ... Anyway ... the back row Baptists were in full form and spread forward a few rows and we were singing up a storm ... laughing our asses off ... And Archie and Edith didn't have a clue what was going on ... but it was the most active and participative Chapel we have ever had ... We were singing a song called He Touched Me ... and I looked over after a while and Julie was pointing at me ... singing he touched me ... And here I am shaking my head NO ... NO ... I didn't ... and for the next two days the joke was she was trying to get me kicked out ... Although this was all innocent fun ... I can't help but wonder what may have been going through Joshua's mind ... A couple weeks ago I began to notice a change in the way Julie related to others and seemed to withdraw herself from friendships that were developing. This last week Julie had got a job at a day care center, this meant that Joshua had to take care of Jada, their two year old. It was obvious from the start that this did not sit well with him. Male macho pride was boiling over and reasoning was out of the question. Saturday night Julie and Jada were in the dining hall ... Joshua wasn't there. Julie sat with her usual group of friends and after a few minutes asked the men if they would help her bring her things down and load them up ... she was moving out with Jada .... Joshua had taken off in the morning to get drunk and plans to dessert Julie and Jada. Julie got the help she needed, and several men gave her money to help ... she was moving in with some friends locally ... It appears she and Jada will be cared for. While she was loading her things into the car in the back, Joshua showed up at the front desk trying to check in ... He was drunk ... and was turned away. It is a good thing none of the men knew of this ... about fifty men here want to get a hold of his ass ... Several guys blocked the doorway to Don's and my room so Don could not get out and at him ... I found out that what had caused Julie to withdraw two weeks earlier was that Joshua had accused her of having an affair with one of the desk men ... Steve ... This was all something in Joshua's head and when Steve found out he confronted Joshua and set his ass straight ... I know both Julie and Steve and though I think Steve would be much better for Julie, I do not believe either would ever be prone to an affair ... but ... ... ... Joshua showed up today to get his things ... He is lucky few of the men new until he was gone ... Julie plans to divorce Joshua ... Good for her. 3-8-10

There has been a discontent with the newest desk man, James, by the residents ever since he was put in the position ... I wrote about some of his ways before ... shining lights in rooms ... a suspected predatory homosexuality (attaching himself to insecure younger men) ... There is no doubt James is extremely intelligent ... and a self proclaimed authority on just about everything. But he is also on a lot of medications for psychological issues ... It has reached a stage were Olin, the man in charge who put James in the position, is expressing his regrets ... Even before being made a desk man the general consensus of residents was that James could not be trusted ... he was a sneak ... and in many ways ... a weasel ... gathering information and what he could to get into the good graces of the powers that be. Jame's peculiarities in doing his job are many and varied ... essentially getting on everyones nerves ... sleeping on duty ... not being available to unlock doors and let residents in who work night shifts ... walking the halls shining his lights in ways that are evident he is snooping ... not providing timely wake-up calls as requested ... The young man he has attached himself to is across the hall from Don's and my room ... he will have a red flash light, stand in front of the door and at times go in and prowl ... snooping ... I have caught him more than once in the early hours before the lights come on ... and leaving Olin a log of occurrences and infringements through the night that Olin tells the other desk men to toss in the trash ... James is the desk man who tried to recruit me to spy on others ... I do occasionally talk to James, when it is not something to be avoided, but it is like a chess game, and always am aware of a certain craftiness that he would use against me ... if he were able. Yesterday at the church many of use attend, I sat for breakfast with a few of the more established residents and the young man James has attached himself to. The young man reassured us that there was no homosexual tendencies ... at least on his part ... and the fact that James is becoming an irritant to him ... but he doesn't want to hurt James' feelings. The consensus of opinion was in some cases ... with some people ... that is unavoidable. My personal advice would be to tell James, James ... your a pain in the ass ... get lost. Bu,t I didn't actually say that. What was brought up in the gathering of theses residents, by Paul K., a 53 year old trucker from Mississippi, was that I ... Bob Couchenour ... would be the one to replace James and feel the spot that will be vacated as Steve (mentioned above) goes back to trucking locally and will only be available on weekends. I asked Paul to repeat what he said as I wasn't paying close attention ... but I had heard correctly ... This was agreed by everyone present ... I started to become choked up ... but was able to say, It's not something I had not thought about. I don't want to get hopes up, but it make sense ... I had a dream last night ... Running a business for 23 years, dealing with all types of personalities ... employees and customers ... and raising 10 children ... And the position is basically watching out for up to 75 childish adults ... some with attitudes ... I've been there before ... I wish I knew how I am actually perceived ... I know I am generally received in a positive light and there are few who actually have problems with me ... but virtually none know what I actually believe and none of my history ... I even seem to be able to become friends with Doremus, the head desk man, who for all practical purposes remains aloof to all ... he is a very private person ... but we seem to connect on some level ... not in any depth as yet ... but ... I see an intelligence and desire in his eyes to know more ... and even as I may appear the outlaw ... it is the kind of defiance that he respects ... defiant ... yet outwardly obedient ... or maybe it's like the song Loved by many and hated by none, I guess I'm lucky 'cause I know what I've done ... just pondering ... probably don't matter ... Even more ... I wish I knew where it is going to end up ... The only certainty is what I feel ... and that is not just the ups and downs of daily mood swings or indefinite fluctuations in happiness and angst ... but

... what is felt from a place deeper inside of me ... finding their way eventually to emotions and reason , but not born out of them ... values of life ... and values found in a person ... the embodiment of what is in me ... the actualization ... the personification ... of a dream ... and ideal ... only to be understood and realized when experienced ... I don't just write words ... for words sake ... but what I feel ... I know these could qualify me by many as having stepped over the edge ... I really have little to care what others think ... And though these may seem romantic illusions ... they are real to the romantic ... and there is no romantic like the one who believes ... this is me ... 3-9-10 I fell asleep last night before the lights went out and woke about 11:30 with some words going through my head ... It seemed they would make a good chorus and theme for a song. I got out of my bunk and fumbled to find a flashlight ... Don eventually handed me a light we use to read by. I jotted down what was going through my head and turned out the light ... A few minutes later it was back on again ... and I was jotting more words ... or at least ideas that fit the theme. By 1:00 a.m. I had three verses and a chorus ... I woke this morning rearranged a few lines ... changed a few to simplify them and make them more musically usable ... sometimes you just have to move when the muse moves you ... DREAMS OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN Bob Couchenour ....2010 A Drifter, A Dreamer, Tumbleweed, Dust Strewn from the ashes of shattered life and love Too much to remember and never forget Wife and Children, pain and regret Life doesn't always turn out what we'd like Faded illusions, heartbreak and strife Love fades away, or was it something else The lies we've been told, and no place to hide Now too much has been lost, only one way to go In hope of a future and another to know He's living his life again, a woman beside him A lady, a lover, a friend He's decided to live with a hope in his heart And dreams of what might have been A dream rekindled, A flame burns again More than the one, another, a friend One who believes, and sees more than one Faith in each other, something divine 3-10-10 I was up at 4 a.m. Writing with pen in hand and whatever scrap paper I had been accumulating ... I think this morning was an exercise to maintain my sanity ... Never surrender your own ability to think independently, apart from any resource or authority. God ...

for the sake of argument ... created the human being with brains ... intelligence ... the ability to reason and develop the mind ... to grow. Independent thought is the enemy of any religious system ... it threatens the systems authority and means of control. Religious systems can not handle too many questions generated by the mind enabled as a natural state of what it is to be human and/or as part of the universal (some would say divine) consciousness or natural state of being. Religion is static ... never changing ... except under the most extreme pressures ... but these pressures are generated by the collective ... yet independent abilities of human minds to think ... God being undefined ... or at least authority wrested from the limited minions of religious definition. The assumption of Orthodox religion is that apart from their interpretation of what constitutes the human condition ... this being twisted and warped by sin ... the human mind is defective ... incapable of independent thought and reason ... except as it is renewed ... and renewed under Orthodox control and definition ... washed as it were by the 'Word' ... Orthodox religion fails in two basic areas in its assumptions ... There are more but I focus on two here ... One, its religion fears and abhors scholastic and intellectual investigation ... it lacks integrity s to what it would claim as the elevated nature of the human species and yet belittles it declaring it tainted by its own religious definition ... all the while setting up its own scholastic parameters as being the only true authority. Two, It is incapable of comprehending that, whether it be God or whatever other creative force in the universe (and this does not preclude or deny the fact that many peoples thinking can and does become skewed), the human mind is in its own right (as created) ... perfect ... Already connected to and receptive of whatever it is that is that divine ability that sparks creativity and intellectual inquiry, any mind ... religious or not ... by creation and birth is innately and inherent of this quality ... only limited as natural endowments vary. Original Sin is not a factor ... moral degradation only exists as a humanly defined and narrowly interpreted dogmatism evolves ... placing confidence and faith in the religious system and apart and away from the divinely created and enabled human mind. 3-11 I think I can start to be a little bolder using the laptop in early mornings ... depending on who the night desk man is ... we have our ultimate asshole but the rest are pretty decent guys ... and all have been in the situations residents find them selves ... Just avoid the religious wannabes ... Our pain in the ass desk man has quietly been removed from his position ... he has lost his staff room, which allows use of electric and private TV in the room and an actual door that can be locked ... (still must be shared with another staff member) ... Olin, man in charge of staff and residents is gone for a week ... no further details at this time ... 3-12-10 A friend is being trained as the new desk man ... I don't know him well ... he is a nice guy ... capable ... or at least capable of monitoring situations fairly. I have been teaching him guitar music theory ... and tuning his guitar when he needs it tuned ... His ability to take authority in a situation is weak ... but he will probably grow into this, if he can remember he doesn't need to be everybody's friend. I wonder sometimes if intelligence is more of a hamper to getting on within the system than a plus ... not just in religious systems ... though I think they are the most threatened ... But systems run by humans of less than stellar I Q's but who recognize the potential of possible questioning that they can

not handle or are at least unwilling to risk, which may in subtle ways compromise their authority. At lights out last night I sat up on my bunk and began meditating ... I really don't know where to draw the line between contemplation and meditation and prayer .... they all seem to merge ... and I really would not know what divinity I would address a prayer to ... other than the god that is in me, and as some regard consciousness the god that is me ... But I sat on my bunk ... legs crossed and eyes somewhat closed but opening occasionally ... moving ... swaying ... rocking to a drone of chords going through my mind ... considering ... the chaplain here wants me to play in chapel ... I am not volunteering my services as I am sure he would like me to ... but I understand what he really wants ... he wants to use me as an example of what god can do ... He wants to fit the talent and skills I have spent a lifetime developing into his religious agenda to serve his purposes ... without regard for really knowing me ... or what it is that actually drives me to be and do what it is that I am ... I am but a pawn in his game ... I will not do it ... I did substantially exactly this the whole time I was involved in the church ... and as I grew intellectually, spiritually and could reason from their own scriptures, I became more of an irritant to the powers that be as I was never content to remain static in my faith and static is exactly what religion is ... A form of godliness but lacking the power and real spiritual dimension that is the divine ... No ... I will not allow myself to be used like that anymore ... I want a free rein ... cut me loose and let me do and s what I feel is coming up and out of me ... of course ... that would most likely mean a quick trip out of here ... and god (who or whatever that is) knows I have NO visible prospects ... Just as in Islam they have Inmen (lower level) religious authorities who grow up out of the faithful to become spiritual guides to the less astute, so also Christianity is loosely governed and controlled by their own ministers, ambitious enough to learn the ropes and dogma and maintain the religious order ... but seldom capable of independent free thought that does not conform to the established doctrine. It is as though god were learned by rote and memorization ... but never actually experienced. ... Sometime along the line I jumped off of this perpetual religious merry-go-round ... and left the circus ... I don't want to go back ... but I do have a great deal to say ... and we know where that will end up ... 3-13-10 There are some that come through here who are real messes ... but they don't last long ... Something happens and they are fucked up and out pretty quick. Some for drinking, some drugs, some really cocky attitudes that can not adjust or relate to any kind of authority. But most who seem to be stable seem to manage ... all have different reasons how they got here or being here, of which the 'system' tries to reduce and define as some violation of 'Gods' commands, but I don't buy that explanation. As a business man there are few who I would not hire, were they to have the requisite skills for the job being hired for. Most I can relate to on some level and to a limited extent be friends with, though few open up readily, they have all been traumatized to varying degrees, and trust is not something that is readily extended ... it takes time ... and there is always a sense for a need to be ready for the hammer to fall. But these are not bad people. And they are not messed up as people ... They have found themselves in situations beyond their control, maybe made some decisions that were not in keeping or the liking of those who had a control over them, some may have had drinking problems, or other inter-related issues ... but all who seem to be able to adjust are survivors ... they are not perpetual fuck ups ... circumstances have worked against them and now they find themselves struggling with a great deal against them to recover what is left of their lives ... but they are not messed up people ... They are hurting ... some ... as a bi-product of their character have been abused by the system and others less caring ... No doubt some are reaping the results of their stupidity ... and there are some who I simply do not like ... but these are few ... the hard asses ... attitudes that can only see the negative side of

anything ... and certainly who blame their spouses and judge any other potential partner as being just the same ... These I simply avoid ... They are poison to my thinking ... I never liked such ... still don't ... I have dreams and ideals ... and have found as I am true to these ... they do exist and are real ... but do not come easy ... But I have no doubt are worth all the effort to remain faithful to ... Someone referred to me as a poet, a prophet, and a king ... at first glance I was taken a little aback but saw that they recognized something about me that I had known ... actually had been hoping for and striving for, but is not exactly the kind of thing one goes around proclaiming about themselves. It's kinda like being on the ultimate ego trip and not wanting to brag about it, but hoping everyone else will recognize it on their own ... and thus the illusion of humility can be maintained ... this I state partially tongue-in-cheek but there is a substantial truth to it. The more I open up I realize my story is complex and certainly not run of the mill ... not that I set out to be or do something so radical ... it just turns out, as I am faithful to what it is I believe and then come to know, it sets me on a course that produces unforeseen results, many of which would most certainly be avoided if I were to have been aware of them ahead of time, yet had they not been experienced the knowledge gained would not be what it is or should be ... Some knowledge can not be realized through academics or study ... but can only be experienced. Yet ... as I was pondering and considering the potential pitfalls that life might hurl at me prior to my separation and divorce, I knew then, as the man that I was, I could do no other ... I did not want a separation and divorce .... but as it became evident there was no other recourse I yielded to the inevitable ... That does not mean that I was not emotionally hit by a ton of bricks ... I was ... I had lost something that I had valued as a hallmark of what I believed was the epitome of life's highest values ... yes I mourned the separation from my wife and kids ... but everything that marriage and family had represented ... the highest of Gods expressions had been shattered. Something that I had thought and believed was eternal proved to be just another fantasy or deception of the mind ... All that faith in God ... wife ... and family ... turned on me ... Now ... to be sure ... I had been evolving in my thinking about god ... faith ... and the church ... And unorthodox concepts were proving truer than the religious pablum that was the staple of the faithful masses ... And as my own mind was recognizing more and greater truth not merely as faith, but substantiated knowledge and becoming all the more enlightened ... I found I was experiencing an integrity crises ... to be true to what everyone thought I was or should be OR to the greater truth that I now understood ... Truth that did not demand a blind obligation to religious standards but rather a compelling drive and desire to realize a living active life in me. Not as some religious add on or invading other ... but the life that is who I am ... and knowing this is the actual state of the divinity that religion refers to but has no knowledge of ... except as creeds and dogma and memorized verse ... But I found alive ... as me ... no other other needed ... And all in line with what religion would avoid, but is expounded in their own scriptures, but hidden from dogmatic eyes entrenched in their religious security. In December 2007 when I was in Seattle, I was yet in the process of communicating to an older gentleman in New Zealand who had become a spiritual mentor of sorts. I told him how a young man had practiced some of his amateur personality analysis on me and concluded I was a prophet. My mentor concurred and I asked him How do you market yourself as a prophet?. I'm still trying to figure that out ... but I am finding that s I wait ... my impressions become all the stronger and I have an influence and effectiveness that is more than just the things that I do ... But I am bound by my own subjective perceptions (which are both the good and the bad) and can only proceed in hope that more than what I perceive is the fact ... how I experience relations lately and the reflections from them seem to indicate something greater than my own limited

perception of myself does in fact exist ... What that is ... I must rely an you to tell me ... I am subjectively too close ... I wish I had the ability to dictate into this computer ... thoughts sometime come so fast to me that I can hardly think and write fast enough ... I only hope I do not lose too much as I stumble through my typing. But ... dictating would not be convenient in my current situation ... simply NO privacy. I wonder if I have stepped too far over the edge to be of any practical use or consider regular employment ... I certainly do not have the ambition for it and there are numerous other interests I had committed myself to ... music being but one. But my drive to expand and grow into spiritual truth (as I might realize and experience it) has lead me down a path that isolates me from conventional contemporaries and sets me apart ... not as though I am an alien ... but having understanding of the mystical ... the experience exploring my own psyche and the depths it contains and finding God not out there but in here ... and for whatever insane reason having the integrity to be true to this that I have come to know ... Much as I have invested myself into my music and realizing little recognition and virtually no monetary reward ... I find I am of virtually NO value to the culture I have grown out of. My expertise is in seeking to understand and coming to know the divine, and alternatively, mastering my art, making music from the heart, to soothe, to heal, to manifest what it is that is in me and transcends the nominal human and expresses what might be a divine humanity ... These I have invested myself into ... and have very little of other practical skills or knowledge ... and I am alone ... A few weeks after I first got to the mission, before I was moved to my present room and bunk mate, I was in a room the had four beds and bunkies rotated in an and out pretty frequently. After a couple weeks a bunkie came that has remained and still keeps the same bed. These rooms had virtually NO amenities and one could not even turn out the over head florescent lights ... which really sucks on the eyes when you're high in a bunk and trying to rest. But Paul F. found his way to the mission. Paul is a CNA (Certified Nurses Assistant) and had previously worked in nursing homes in Florida until work there dries up. He came to Indiana about a year ago at the invitation of a friend who promised him employment and housing. The employment proved to be non-existent and eventually Paul lost his housing accommodations not being able to find other suitable employment he ended up homeless at the mission. Paul is a very likable intelligent man, 41 years old, and diabetic ... His blood sugar has to be watched very closely and can affect his state of mind. Occasionally his blood sugar drops too low and on a couple occasions paramedics were called in ... once he was in his bunk and it was obvious he was in some type of seizure and was taken to the hospital. When he first got to the mission he was somewhat nervous and disoriented ... he was placed in the top bunk across from me. At the time my routine had become to squat on the floor in the evenings (we had no chairs) and play my guitar ... and often others would come into the room or stand outside the door to listen ... The first evening Paul was there I was on the floor at the end of Paul's bunk and Paul was in his bunk looking down at me ... Paul was raised Wiccan ... He told me tonight that as a child he had some type of projectile do damage to his eyes and he was blind for a few weeks and had never regained the full natural use of his eyes, but has had to rely an his other senses, taste, smell, hearing, feeling to compensate for his vision deficiency. He told me when he first got here and I started playing I looked up at him and he was able to look down at me looking up at him and see into my soul and he knew I could be trusted and the playing settled and relaxed him and put him at ease. Paul and I have been friends from the beginning ... he is one of the very few I can have an intelligent conversation with and not offend as we share some common perspectives on the Bible, religion and other issues. Paul will be

preparing to leave the mission in a few weeks as he is partnered with another resident and will be sharing a hotel room until an apartment can be arranged for (they are both working night shift minimum wage jobs, walking two hours to and from work). He told me tonight what my friendship has meant to him ... I watch out after him ... his speech ... just make sure he isn't becoming disoriented ... but not intrude into his life. He said he wanted to confirm his perceptions ... and has ... shaking my hand ... listening to my voice ... I would like to learn more of what and how he perceives ... 3-17-10 If I were not privy to some of the life stories I hear here I would be most depressed ... and I admit there are times, I am alone, quite literally alone ... none of what could be considered of compatible mind and spirit to relate to ... and it starts to get to me ... I start to feel a depression that I had never experienced before ... almost to a point of desperation ... then ... by chance I hear another relating their story ... times in jail or prison, insane asylums ... the streets ... And though life here is largely predicated on a foundation of ignorance (which I detest and largely leads to my own depression), for those who do not know better ... it is something to hope in ... as limited and repressive as it is ... it does offer something better for these poorer souls. It would almost seem as though in order to survive I must practice my faith secretly, adapting elements as are possible within the structure of the prevailing religious framework (though not actually believing or endorsing this orthodoxy) ... I wrestle with this ... but see little option or way around it ... I believe that a man needs the help and input of his feminine counterpart ... A one sided means of making decisions and reaching conclusions without the masculine or feminine mind is to often insufficient, lacking either the masculine tendency to logic and reason or the feminine tendency to heart and feeling ... both are needed ... but ... that is just what I believe. 3-18-10 The religious arrogance and condescension here could not be more caricature like ... How do you communicate with ignorance that enthrones itself on a foundation of assumed absolutes divorced from any objective sense of reality? They call it faith... but this IS NOT the faith as I have learned it, and deciphered the language ... This is willful ignorance ... presumed intelligent human beings surrendering their innate ability to think and reason and come to their own mature individuated conclusions, for the sake of an externally imposed manipulated and managed fear of being other than what fits another's or society's collective conceptualization reduced to the lowest common denominator. How can I survive? Within the system there is a need to create an inordinate sense of guilt. By creating and establishing this guilt factor ... control is maintained as the powers that be through their interpretation and definition of what is presumed absolute exercise authority. Without a presumed absolute ... establishing guilt ... authority holds no power other than to resort to threat and intimidation and finally corporeal means of violence. This is true on micro and macro levels ... the church ... the state ... the family ... husbands and wives ... This is the nature of the Orthodox patriarchal systems we have inherited ... This is not Christianity or spirituality as espoused by Christ, but it is what the church and society had adopted and enforced throughout history ... The truth of what constitutes a deeper spirituality and reality progressively became veiled and hidden and to the greater degree lost to the church in the early fourth

century A.D.. Forced underground and surviving in code and occult esotericism, surfacing occasionally only to be persecuted the more, free thinking mystics and the few of nobler character, not succumbing to the prevailing ignorance survived. The times have changed but the character of the human species has not ... The same collective mentality that fears the unknown and what it can not understand and control still rules the hearts and minds of humankind ... And our religion is its bulwark and defense against the potential progress that is the hallmark of the free thinking human mind. I had a pretty good work out today ... I volunteered to help receive and stock a food order that came in ... I'm not into sports as a casual past-time but I do enjoy working up a sweat ... but doing something productive ... and feel my muscles just begin to ache ... I suppose I am not in too bad a shape for my age ... weight is cool ... way down from what it was when I first separated and divorced ... and I have enough stamina to exert myself as long as necessary ... but it felt good ... so did the nap afterwards ... A few of us were talking about some of the habits of our chaplain ... I am glad to realize I am not the only one recognizing the same things ... insecurities compensated by attempts to intimidate and control through implied threat tantrum like demanding ... all with a religious zeal more akin to a dictator than a shepherd ... I wonder if it is a condition that pervades the entire organization or is it only a few isolated ones in positions of authority? I'm sure I will be paying much more and closer attention to this as time goes on ... I wrote the above ... and then per chance read the following: Unconscious resentment engendered by rigid rules of behavior brings psychological disaster, for repressed feelings and desires will not stay in the psychic underworld to which they have been banished, but will return to haunt the individual. Jung and the Lost gospels Stephan Hoeller Prior to the fifth century and St. Augustine there never was a doctrine of original sin ... Augustine led a very loose and sensually liberated life prior to his conversion ... I have no doubt that his indiscretions and loose living led to his formulation of the innate sinfulness of mankind, no doubt tainted by his own mis-perceptions ... The Orthodox church and particularly the Puritan aspect which has influenced and pervaded all of American Christianity has made this the benchmark and foundation of what their idea of Christianity is ... it is an over-emphasized perversion ... and essentially non-spiritual man can not recognize his own religious error ... Orthodoxy is in fact ... the heresy ... And the farther away from scholastic and academic inquiry the religious community becomes the more entrenched and dogmatic the error becomes and is enforced all the more zealously for fear of offending their perceived deity ... The God created in their own minds ... after their own image. An image of God is perceived ... humanity worships ... and thus assimilates and assumes the attributes and characterizations of their god. ... if I open up my mouth too much ... I think I just might be up shits creek ... But I am trying to make do ... Bubba was moved to another room this morning ... a staff room ... This can be good for him as it does give him more privacy ... I requested to be moved to the lower bunk (once occupied by Bubba) and was not given an answer, only told they will let me know. But ... for the interim I have a room to myself Friday March 19 just before the lights are to come on It is obvious that advancement is a matter of kissing the right ass and playing the game and it doesn't matter how logical or reasonable things may be ... reason doesn't matter ... blind

obedience does ... and corruption is the way of the world ... just don't get caught ... I don't belong here ... but where? I'm not sure there is an answer ... 3-20-10 I accompanied Bubba to a restaurant yesterday evening ... I did not eat anything other than to have two large Root Beers as I had eaten earlier at the mission. Bubba on the other hand had a large serving of Chicken Noodles Alfredo and two helpings of hot wings, besides his drinks. Bubba talked and I listened, which was our usual MO, he wanted to express his appreciation for me as his bunkie over the past two months. Upon exiting the restaurant I was able (finally) to inform him that the mission of this angel had been completed and it was now time for me to refocus on my original mission and get on to Montana. Through the late afternoon I had been able to sit on the bottom bunk (though it had not been assigned to me I have the room to myself) and play the guitar or read without disturbance and as I played became increasingly aware of the burden that had been lifted. Later in the evening I played some more ... sitting on the lower bunk ... I was playing freer and without any self consciousness, I was loose .. but loose in a way that is suited for the free ... almost liquid flow of performance that distinguishes a great player from a good musician still striving to attain that level of mastery ... I was not self conscious in the least although I knew there were others listening and paying attention ... some sitting in their rooms holding conversations all around me, but I was the only source of alternative sound to fill the air ... After I stopped playing I noticed one who had stood outside my door ... listening ... a man I had very little contact with ... and what I did have caused me to take a step back ... But he listened ... and from what I could gather ... intently. I was coming to realize though I was a friend of Bubba and we had fun in our association, he had been a hindrance to making relations that were difficult for himself ... were as I can and do adapt as needed ... and I am beginning to think ... maybe better than I had been allowed to. But we will see ... I only hope they do not place someone in here too quick ... and that may be the case ... They are making a concerted effort to cull the dormitory now that the weather has got better ... Talking to others I don't think I have need to worry ... but I am new at this homeless thing and listening to the experience of some of the less fortunate more experienced. There is a particular case I would have a great deal of trouble with should he be assigned to bunk in my room ... a real drifter ... former convict (not sure of the crime) ... and insane asylum inmate ... He appears very intelligent ... but this guys thinking is screwed up ... But I think he may have screwed himself last night ... Gave some shit to a desk man after midnight ... signed out to have a cigarette (not permitted) ... is trying to get signed back in ... ooops ... I think he's fucked ... as long as they don't put him in here ... But I feel freer now ... being free of Bubba ... he was by this morning wanting to know if I would walk down town with him ... I told him I was sorry ... other things I want to accomplish ... he has been by this room a few times ... we bull shit but I need to move on ... 3-21-10 I am going to church soon ... Until now I had been putting on dress pants, a decent shirt or nice sweater, leather jacket and boots (freshly polished) ... all out of respect for the congregation and not wanting to offend the offendable ... today I ill wear jeans ... a loose and casual (but clean and nice) pull over knit short sleeve shirt ... (I do like showing off my tats) ... This is more to the way I would dress most of the years I was in church ... screw the religious pretensions ... I am finding being separated from Don is a good thing ... I can think freely ... I know my time did him

good ... that is something all can attest to ... but I can see now ... as I am able to be myself ... it was very draining on me ... and relationships with others were hindered because of my close and friendly association with Don ... He will have to survive on his own now ... and I may be able to get on with my life ... Talking with others here I get the impression it is probably a good thing I was not made a desk man ... I am learning more of the process of assimilation that is applied to separate 'potential' candidates from the 'herd'. I don't think I would have been able to adapt to what is expected ... It is much the same as when I was made the manager of a company operated service station in Atlanta ... I ended up resigning after two months because I refused to garnish the wages of employees for shortages that we could not prove they were responsible for ... I took a stand on my principles ... resigned ... and ultimately ended up traveling the next fourteen months all over the States and Mexico. But ... I have no such prospects currently ... but ... not much else has changed (character seems to be a problem I suffer with sometimes I think it sucks ... where the hell is the 'payoff'?) ... There is a point I would tell them to shove it ... and ... I believe justifiably so. 3-22-10 I have been awake for over an hour ... Went to the bathroom to pee and came back ... turned on the laptop and closed it while the desk man made his rounds (I think I woke him when I went to the bathroom), so I won't have to be worried about him wandering around ... read a bit ... (still am ...on and off ... read a little ... think a little), I am into a new one now ... consuming a lot lately ... This time it is The Gnostic Jung: including the Seven Sermons to the Dead, introduction by Robert A Segal and is a compilation of Jung's writings on Gnosticism ... I read another with a similar title a few years ago, but this one seems more critical, but also seems to go much deeper. I like what I am reading now ... the critical stuff is out of the way and I am getting into some meatier stuff ... but I am understanding some things that are deeper than I ever considered ... I am looking forward to what is being revealed ... in my spirit and mind ... They are really culling the herd here ... being very legalistic in applying the rules and cut out those who may have outside resources that they might use ... I was asked to clean up a two-bed room that is currently empty ... I am still in a room to myself ... There are many on the other side of the hall who share rooms with four occupants ... and regularly being used by the more transient less disciplined homeless, although there are some who have been in these rooms for months. I must consider myself lucky ... my age may be to my advantage ... and the fact that I do as I am asked without griping about it. If I were to observe myself from the perspective of another, not knowing what is my own inner drive and subjective reality (though it seems quite objective too me), I might come to the same conclusion ... At least I am sure, I am an enigma to most. Though I believe my reasoning to be sound and founded on what most would regard as substantive principles, metaphysical as the may be, they are not without regard of scientific empirical regard ... yet these are things and concepts few ... very few would consider. Not that they are not of value, but as most individuals are not inclined or willing or able to invest the time and actual brain power to investigate these ... life being so much simpler to have an answer handed to us. I am cursed not to be satisfied with the pat answer ... I tried that ... and found I was handed too many lies ... I'm not sure a truth will ever be finally realized, but I do believe I am closer to it than I was before ... But ... I suppose I will suffer the indignity of what I do if it allows me to keep searching ... At least I understand why I do what I do ...

3-23-10 I feel (as yet to know) that being separated unto my self is a good thing ... admittedly lonely ... But I believe it is allowing me to come into my own ... without regard for who or what might be my relations ... I mean such as Don, or Ed ... others who would drain me of my life, and to whatever degree define me by their own conceptions ... Too many close associations wish to take from me what they want rather than receive what it is I can and wish to give ... They are the spoilers, the detractors. It had been brought to my consideration once before ... not concerning me ... but I can not help but think I remember it because it does concern me ... in a manner of speaking ... but ... consider a chrysalis ... and the process that occurs inside a cocoon as a caterpillar is being transformed into a butterfly ... don't just consider the beginning and the end states of being ... but the process ... the chaos (or apparently so) ... the pure ugliness ... the violence ... the complete lack of control and determination experienced by the pupa being transformed ... Is it possible this has been my experience? 3-24-10 Can you play Freebird? ... someone pops their head through the door and the question asked while I'm in the middle of an intricate hot and complicated improvisation ... You know how I really want to respond at that very moment? ... but I don't ... not to say that I won't ... Ignorance and idiocy ... you can sell them anything, just don't ask them to think ... to make their own informed decision ... information requires a certain willingness to acquiesce it and learn ... too few acquire a taste for it. ... But I am gracious ... and sometimes it is better to remain aloof ... and ignore the ignorance ... and those who show a propensity to choose to remain ignorant ... but recognize the ones open to learn ... It takes some weeding though ... The desk man just came by for the evening bed check ... He balked for a moment ... and the showed me on the ledger that I was listed as occupying two beds, a and b. the upper and the lower ... Maybe I'm rating a private room ... I played 90 minutes this morning and 90 minutes this evening ... (sitting on the lower bunk) ... I am finding it a little amusing ... I have a reputation ... I am the local guitar hero ... The older men and residents really show a respect for what I can do ... the younger ones ... the kids ... want to hear Freebird ... When younger guitarists come through (which is any) they want to jam ... some ... come across like they want to challenge and out gun the old man ... but it puts a smile on my face ... ... when I first set out ... or began to seriously apply myself to following my dream ... my music ... this spiritual search for god ... I came to realize it was going to cost me a lot ... I watched as my marriage fell apart and my ex eventually had it with me and demanded I leave ... I never wanted to be separated from my kids, but found there was no way around it ... and by the time of the separation I was already quite alienated from the older kids ... the younger not having a clue what was going on ... But I reasoned what I was doing would be breaking new ground and making a pathway for those who wanted to follow ... To follow into a greater and broader experience of life ... and this is still my hope ... But what I did not figure on was falling in love ... I thought I wanted to and could live without the love of another ... I was wrong ... I fell in love ... I still love and have the hope I did for my children ... I fell in love and would not change a thing ... except ... the miles that separate us ...

my interest in C. G. Jung ... He has been most influential in my thinking over the past few years ... at least gleaning from abstracts of his writings or explanations of his theories by others more familiar with him ... His own writing can be complex and difficult to follow ... But ... the latest stuff I have been getting into is making more sense and not as abstract as what I had previously thought ... What is interesting though is that in numerous ways his explanations of the parallels between the psychological archetypes and the metaphysical religious concepts of God are bridging a gap in my own thinking ... giving me a broader perspective or understanding as to the dynamics of what it is we call the divine. I.E. a picture into what occurs in the mind of faith ... the empirical objective psychological reality that to many or most is comprehended as a metaphysical reality ... whether that meta reality is true or accurate or not ... it is a reality in the mind of the believer ... Now ... it is true that some systems prove more true or rational or logical to the objective facts that may be observed, measured or deduced ... but ... that does not inhibit the perceived reality to those who are the faithful. Whether there is a connection between the psychological and the metaphysical is not the issue (and I admit believing there ultimately is)... the point being the divine as perceived in the mind, regardless of the form taken, ultimately is an express manifestation in the mind of archetypes that are universal to the human personal and collective subconscious ... I suppose this shit may be getting deep ... but it is making sense to me ... and actually helping me consider the possibilities of overcoming my objections to errors as I perceive them with orthodox religion ... Not that I buy into it ... but I understand what might be a positive quality and can maneuver around the crap that I find offensive to my own thinking ... but here again ... we'll see. 3-26-10 You know the mind ... our minds are at the same time crazy and wondrous things ... We can fool ourselves very easily ... we all need someone to help us keep them straight ... or maybe as straight as they can be realized ... Whether I say I or we it applies to each and everyone of us that are part of the human species (although I have encountered a few who would lay claim to being a part of this species who I must admit having my doubts about) ... But we need each other ... another ... the other ... the one we can trust ... the one we can relate too ... to what degree and levels is entirely between the two ... we all need someone ... someone we can let in and help keeping our minds and thinking together ... and I have to admit ... together is relative ... relative as to what suits the parties in question ... .. Alone we ALL have a tendency to live in a kind of denial ... we believe what we want to ... we don't have that backboard to bounce things off of and see how they come back to us ... We have a tendency to become self deluded ... only getting a part of the picture and living and thinking as though we have it all, or at lest all that can be gotten ... and we ALL miss it ... We all miss the potential the we can realize ... we all need someone ... 3-27-10 A friend (another resident) bought a bunch of hamburger, pork chops hot dogs and chicken breasts today and invited a few of us to barbecue in the park. He had all the necessary condiments and made his own barbecue sauce from scratch. We gathered at about 2 p.m. And got things rolling ... Another group from the mission had gathered earlier and did their thing from noon to 2 ... Miscommunication and histories of individuals not coming through with promises led to the division of the two events ... which had better planning been implemented could have made for a really good thing for all ... but ... as it was ... the separate grilling's happened and I was treated to more meat stuff's than I would normally

consume in two weeks ... I think I'll fast tomorrow ... The group that I spent time with are not the social climbers ... LOL ... as if any homeless are ... but generally might be considered the nerdy intellectual fringe ... not that we are all intellectuals ... though a few are ... and one I am glad to see who showed up and ate to his hearts content would most definitely be considered an outcast ... He, Ryan, is a former high school English teacher ... very timid ... had very poor personal hygiene habits when he first got here ... I mean those in his cubicle were ready to string him up he stunk so bad ... and there is more I could say but why? ... if you think of Linus from the Peanuts comics ... you'll get the picture ... and absolutely NO social skills. I had always gotten along with Ryan ... (I was in that room initially) ... He is smart ... knows a lot ... has done a lot of research papers ... and loves to learn ... very curious ... He asks me questions about Gnosticism in chapel and gets me going on things ... others hear and just wonder ... But I was glad to see Ryan enjoying himself ... and with others who had gotten on his case and demanded he clean up his shit ... and taught him how to do it ... He had a good time ... it was an enjoyable afternoon. How can feelings be conveyed through words? ... words alone are so ... technical ... abstract ... almost void of emotional content ... until they can be strung together and perceived as metaphor ... as like in an image or a scene that denotes a universal impression and draws you into the mind of the subject observed. And you feel what it is the subject feels ... not just the words ... but the feeling is manifested in the hearer of the words ... the observer of the scene. But words themselves ... apart from the initial emotional energy (the first cause) and talent and skill of the writer ... are empty ... void of meaning ... except as they may be the intellectualisms of emotionless machines manipulating their algebraic equations. I only hope as I write ... I can communicate more than words ... but the feeling that is their first cause ... the intrinsic value that is me ... and transcends the machine ... 3-28-10 Church? ... why the hell do we really have to be subjected to it? Why do otherwise normally intelligent people have to be herded together and subjugated to fairy tales presumed to keep us in line and make us better citizens? Now ... I know ... and being here at the mission I certainly have become aware that there is a particular mind set that will not respond to anything other than the threat of punishment (corporal or otherwise) rendering true the Biblical notion that the law was made for the unrighteous, the murderer, the liar, the cheat, ... yada, yada, yada .... But this is not the mind set of he vast majority of what I have come to realize as the human race. Yet we have this compulsion to gather ourselves and render homage the this dead guy on a stick, as one of my online friends would say... never willing or interested enough to investigate the origins and creation of the story that we routinely ... mostly unquestioningly ... deliver our minds and bodies to. Now ... beside from a few social benefits ... what is the real need or purpose? Why am I, as an assumed responsible and intelligent person, commanded to yield my autonomy and responsibility for my actions and life to another poor slob assumed to have submitted himself to all kinds of indignities and death (for my sake) ... presumably and vicariously in my place rendering me not guilty, absolved, innocent ... before a deity that is recorded (in other scripture) to have been the inspiration for all sorts of other atrocities and inflictions upon and through human beings supposedly called out as his people? Why do I (or anyone else for that matter) need such a God or the institution that perpetrates the illusion of such an entity. Why, as much as we are culture that values the scientific investigation of our collective reality, do we find it so hard to consider and question the evidence as it is revealed regarding this presumed sacred thing. Now ... I know that this regard and acceptance of the evidence goes both ways. There is a scientific mind set that presumes it's own set of criteria as being absolute, discounting or else negating any hint of the supernatural or metaphysical possibility. But why is it that we ... presumably ... intelligent

human beings are afraid of allowing our truth to be investigated, criticized, revealed for being something less than we had assumed? What are we really afraid of? Could it be that we are afraid of discovering that everything we had based our lives and hopes on is in fact ... a lie. Could it be that we need our fairy tales to give us a sense of being ... security ... justification ... and the content of that fairy tale doesn't really matter all that much ... as long as it is cohesive and coherent enough to keep the majority of us complacent and numb to the facts we so readily and obediently choose to ignore? Yes .. I know ... thinking is hard work ... and it is a dirty job ... but somebody has to do it ... What should I wear to church today? Hmmmm .... I wonder what they'll have for breakfast ... I think I'll skip that ... you know ... the homeless only show up because there is food being served ... Fuck 'em ... I don't need or want your religion either. I went to a different church this morning ... The one I had normally been going to wasn't dispatch a bus to pick us up as is usual, so a lot of us chose the safe route and caught another church bus and did our obligation there. This church was simpler (though similar) to the one I had attended prior. Not as yuppie though ... obviously not as much money ... and education levels probably not as high ... But the people were friendly ... and the one thing that impressed me more than anything was the pastor and his father really made a sincere effort to greet and welcome me as I was leaving the service ... It was obvious I was more than number too them ... I could actually look into their eyes and allow them to look into mine. Not the usual Howdy, how are you? quick shuffle through the gates (without any eye contact) that I experience from most ministers I have encountered. The only real thin is ... like most orthodox Evangelical churches ... there seems to be an anti-intellectual bent and this church's history of associations would seem to indicate they are even more so inclined than most contemporary fellowships ... The Word of Faith ... the Prosperity gospel ... ala Jim and Tammy Bakker, Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland, Derek Prince and many others ... A twisting of the language of the Bible that initially attracted me (many years ago) but as I became more acquainted with it I became continually more repulsed by the depth of ignorance displayed ... all in the name of what was perpetuated as faith. But, for his human interest, I did like the pastor ... and taking the time to actually get to know the man might be worth the effort. 3-29-10 What ever it is that is divine ... that manifests things that really matter ... and I think I find it more in myself and in others than were the preachers would have me believe ... this ... I believe in. I think the one primary redeeming quality I have ... that affects the many ... most ... and even and particularly the powers that control this place is more than just an ability to play the guitar ... though that is the means through which the magic happens ... but to tape into some muse as it were and let what can happen ... happen ... and to see the changed expressions on the faces of those experiencing what it is that my fingers create. There is a tendency for the desk men who are ultimately the ones who control this place on the ground level to walk the halls scowling ... you know ... the trustees ... They are the guards, as one commented the other day I used to be in prison, now I am the guard. But to see someone I have never seen break a smile, stand at my door and look up at me and smiling say Playing the blues, huh? ... I didn't recognize him at first ... then I realized ... It is Ben ... a resident become desk man who has spent the last four plus years here (his brother Bill has been here for seven years) ... But Ben has really taken a liking to me ... I can tell he loves the sound of the guitar ... and every time I pass him in the hall he greets me, Mr. Couchenour ... and I acknowledge him Yes sir. And I find to some I am a counselor the old man they can talk to who is maybe almost as crazy as the kids are ... I am an anomaly ... and I think most wonder ... Why are you here? ... Sometimes I wonder too ... then I get to talk to some of them ... or mostly listen to them ... and a few become my younger brothers ... or maybe I become a father figure that they didn't have ... but that is not too usual ... and certainly takes time. But I

do not try to be any of this ... it just is ... and I am. 3-30-10 I am realizing that much that I have learned ... and continue to learn in centuries past was treated as secret knowledge (esoteric) ... and there is a particular reason for this ... It is knowledge that the common folk are not entirely capable of receiving and understanding or using because they exist on a lower level of consciousness ... and spiritual dimension ... They can not perceive what are the possibilities beyond the most mundane, and are unwilling to consider changing what has been impressed upon them as the status quo ... I know that what I write, if read by another would automatically designate me as arrogant and elitist ... I do not believe that is the case, but I do believe there are levels of truth that surpass the mundane, and intellect and spiritual intuition being lacking if not wholly absent in the majority makes for an environment that is reduced to near the lowest common denominator ... and for a thinking human being having such insight and understanding, is not particularly comfortable. There was a time ... up to not so long ago ... life was a matter of creating and living in a series of persona's ... There was the business man taking charge, working out the problems, making sure the customers needs were met and satisfied, juggling the needs and abilities of employees, working in relationship with those who controlled the purse strings and those who owned the property, seldom with sufficient authority and always delegated the responsibility, all handled in the most diplomatic and congenial manner to keep the system functioning. Then there was the domestic me shifting gears, relating to a range of personalities and ages that was for the most part totally out of my comfort domain ... yet not with the same authority as may be applied in a work situation, but as a father and of course within a Biblical framework as defined by the religious powers that be ... and there was no shortage of these busy body authorities. And yet the hunt an peck, cut and paste religion that virtually all Evangelical fellowships in actuality created Frankenstein monsters that they called the church ... zipper necks and all. All religious facades ... illusions that happen to be whatever it is the best fits our particular Holier than thou image ... and all culturally and corporately defined as envisioned by pastoral pop icons and dogma twisted and distorted but never questioned or investigated. The knowledge of our predecessors always assumed to carry that certain Holy Ghost authority and anointing. And that was the other persona ... the Holy one ... But I asked too many questions ... I really looked for the answers ... and came up with a lot of them ... but they weren't/aren't the answers they want to hear. So I search for another persona ... one that actually fits me ... There is no doubt. My ego has grown, I do not fit the images that I was made to it into those years ago ... and I am searching for the real me ... but I'm not sure the real me is welcome in this world of religious conformity ... The one thing I know with certainty is the real me does not conform ... And for that I would need a very very good reason to want to try ... The first rule of life is to survive it ... How do I do this? ... by becoming what I need to be in the midst of a hostile environment ... Does that mean that I adopt all the error and falsity that I am subjected to ... No ... but it means that I may have to adapt to it ... Do I like this ... not particularly ... but what are the options? ... Does it mean that I compromise my integrity? ... that depends on how wise one might be ... Some may realize no other possibility but to capitulate ... Others ... with a bit of ingenuity and cunning ... and keeping ones mouth shut ... may realize a way around and through what might commonly be a cesspool of ignorance and undesirable accommodation. Such seems to be what I am facing ... 3-31-10

There are some things about this place that are showing encouraging signs ... without a doubt the religious aspect is simplistic (even backward, virtually medieval) ... but there is a kind of camaraderie or collective caring that exists (even as expressed however imperfectly from those in charge) that was more difficult to assess and see when there were so many being shuffled in and out of here during the winter months. It is also apparent to me that there are many more homeless around than those who are willing and able to take advantage of the missions resources. The mission is in fact only an island of a kind of hope in a sea of want and need. And the foundation or message of that island I still consider insufficient and lacking the whole qualitative substance necessary to be what it needs to be. But considering resources that are available, I can not fault the intent of those doing what they can. It is becoming obvious that the residents want me to take an active part in the chapel services. A preacher was doing his thing today (a nice enough guy I suppose but we are definitely on different wave lengths) and commented on his own singing ability and musical talent ... at some point everyone in the chapel was looking and literally pointing at me and saying my name regarding what I have been doing playing and singing in my bunk ... It was both embarrassing and encouraging at the same time. Yesterday my new bunkie (the drummer) asked the chaplain for permission to use the chapels drum set to practice ... I was there and told the chaplain what I have been working up and how I was teaching another some music theory and I asked for permission to use the chapel to practice and work on things... The chaplain immediately cleared it for us to use the chapel any day we want from 4 to 5 to do our thing. I will be taking advantage of this beginning today ... I do not know how it will work out with Greg (the drummer) ... there is a pecking order that needs to be established ... I can do what I need to do with or without a drummer or anyone else ... Greg has his own ideas ... but it is obvious he is not capable of doing what he thinks needs done unless others submit to what he wants ... and frankly ... few drummers have the ability to take control and lead ... their musical ability is for the most part extremely limited to the aspect of rhythm and timing ... and working up new material as far as I am concerned is my option ... not his. Let's see how diplomatically I can handle this ... There is another novice/intermediate guitar player (Tom) I am teaching theory too ... he is good enough he could possibly lay down a sufficient rhythm behind me ... but ... I'll work with him to bring him up to par. A call came over the intercom All residents report to the drive-thru immediately ... The drive-thru is where items are received that are donated to the mission ... A large trailer came in packed with boxes of all sorts of stuff ... At first it was a disorganized mess ... then the old man came through (me) and told them how to get it done fast and efficiently ... after they caught on I was standing back ... occasionally directing ... Someone asked You've done this before? ... Yup I replied ... is it my age? ... my experience? ... my common sense? But a leadership vacuum appears and the most sensible thing I can do is to step into it ... I was volunteered a short time afterward to help clean up after some work that is being done on the forth floor of the mission ... It wasn't hard ... but myself and two others were commandeered and had to haul some debris down to the dumpster ... it amazes me how some people just can't seem to figure out how to do the simplest things ... it only takes a minimal effort ... three trips and it was done ... no big deal ... I jammed with Greg and Tom in the chapel this afternoon ... I brought my amplifier in out of the back of the pick up ... I was afraid it might have been ruined being out in the weather since December ... but ... it works perfectly ... Greg and I also talked a good bit before ... Did not get into specifics, but he does have a good attitude ... and after jamming I think he sees (more or less) how things might develop naturally. Tom was real shaky on rhythm, but he also has experience on the bass ... we all would prefer him on that. But in general ... for a first go round it was OK ... not great ... but OK ... we are all trying to get used to the sound and new situation ... But we did attract an enthusiastic audience ... that was kind of cool ... We will get together regularly each afternoon ... time will tell ...

I have attached myself to one of the workers here ... Jerry ... a handyman/mechanic of sorts ... to assist him as he needs it ... We have been working on the fourth floor ... That floor is not currently in use ... but it has a half court basketball court, another room that looks like it might make for a gym or handball court ... and over looking the basketball court ... a penthouse ... all of this needs refurbished, and I suppose that is the idea as moneys and resources are available ... but working up there allows me to dream ... and consider possibilities of things that are not ... but can be ... and will be as the effort is made ... A man was checked in a few nights ago who is becoming something of a community project here. He came to the mission (I don't know how) and had obviously been beaten and abused, apparently had not slept four four days, traumatized, extremely emotionally distraught (understatement) and apparently mildly retarded. The paramedics were called in the morning after he arrived and it was determined there was nothing seriously physically wrong with him. He was severely withdrawn and could not trust any one and clung to the desk-men as they tried to orient him to the surroundings. At different times staff are assigned to monitor him and watch over him ... this is far over and above what would normally be required ... Some residents question the wisdom of his being here at all, but the question is Where else would he have to go?. I do admit seeing him with a large knife slicing potatoes in the kitchen was an image that made me and a few others a little uneasy ... but apparently, it made him feel good that he could help with doing something. As things are evolving the many residents (including myself) have adopted him as a community project to see that he can get by with a minimal amount of staff oversight ... It becomes a thing like passing the charge from one to the other as we all just get on here. I really think this is a good thing for all concerned. And Tony is opening up ... and finding he has friends ... though I hope I don't have to find myself watching anime or cartoons with him ... of course ... I could always have my book ... I practiced in the chapel today by myself ... Greg (drummer) had been away doing lawn work and was unaware that I was there and Tom (guitar) had therapy to go to ... so I worked on my own presentation ... and I was really glad it worked out like this. Greg and I are in an ongoing conversation about what to do ... I made it clear that I was not interested in just throwing a bunch pf worship material together and doing covers to satisfy the religious powers that be ... but rather considered myself an artist and have been putting my own material together for years ... covers revamped to fit me and original stuff ... and my talent is largely in the improvisation ... and THIS is what I intend to focus on ... I started to lay down some of my conditions ... there was no argument ... but I think it surprised him. The bottom line is ... I can play solo ... or with a group ... if it is with a group, it will be what I want to do (unless you have the bucks to pay me for my services) and with people I feel confident in. I am not interested in being in a band where it is a democracy ... I don't need it ... I know what I want to do ... and I know how to do it ... And I could go off on this ... but I won't preach it ... 4-1 In the recent past, the last two or three years, some I have had contact with referred to me as a philosopher and visionary. This did not surprise me as I had realized this as a fact for long time ... I had as long as I could remember seen things as they could be and in many cases would eventually become. I remember even taking some sort of psychological profiling test and it rendered the results of me being a Visionary Philosopher ... All of this I found humorous because I have virtually no formal education and may even harbor somewhat of an insecurity complex because of this perceived deficiency. Now, I know better ... I KNOW I am not deficient or lacking intellectually ... I know I have a rather high IQ, and for the most part have applied

myself to bettering my mind ... though some of the unconventional ideas I have adopted would not convince the status quo or the hoi-poloi that such were the case. 4-2-10 Some would consider me utterly irresponsible ... I left a relatively secure business situation (though I was being screwed royally ... it was secure enough), allowed myself to consider the possibilities of all the dreams I have had and stopped imagining and started applying myself to it (even though I had NO idea how it was to be accomplished), considered the many negative aspects of what could happen and still considered these as worth it in the gamble over what could be won, remained relatively passive as those around me misunderstood and chose to close their minds and understanding and cut off communications resulting in alienation from my wife and children and ultimately separation and divorce, ran up credit card debts high enough to choke me to death in pursuit of something I simply knew was possible and in me, lost my home (my Gettysburg after marriage run down mobile home) not finding work or even looking very hard for it because I refused to stop believing in myself and what I believe I am, lived off of the generosity of another knowing in reality his was literally a 'pipe dream' as he remained high and stoned 24/7 - but it bought me the time to nurture and mature my own talent, and now I find my self in a rescue mission a homeless shelter but a home that is allowing me to begin to grow and blossom. Virtually nothing is known of my past here ... all that is perceived of me is what has been allowed to be seen of me as I have been what I am here. I have revealed pieces of the past to a very few ... but very few pieces ... I know as I become much more in the light I will be sharing more publicly ... but it will be me as I choose ... as I want to reveal myself ... But first, before they know who I was, they will know me for who I am ... For a long time it was like I remained hidden in my own fantasy ... and then ... I started to live it. And sure enough things did not get better ... as what might be considered better from any natural perspective ... but things began to change ... and there was absolutely NO resource to fall back on ... all there was, was the dream ... the vision ... the hope ... and no clue where to go or what to do ... because I refused to give up on what I believed in ... it was all still inside of me ... it still is. But I ended up here ... and though there could be much to complain about ... if I actually thought I had a right to it (but I don't), there is the opportunity to use the time, develop the vision, hone the skills, work for my keep (all volunteer around the mission but it is reasonable), and keep my mind sharp (though privately, internally) as I secretly challenge and debunk the fantasies that are spun by the religious elite ... the true masters of fantasy and fairy tale. But now ... life is unfolding ... like a dream ... somethings are beginning to happen ... slowly ... and not without resistance or pitfalls ... and there are the will of others less astute as to what is required to contend with ... but it is now my game that is to be played ... by my rules ... in my timing ... as I see things evolving as they should be ... I am living my own life and not another's ... 4-12-10 to believe or faith is a spiritual conception more likely founded on hearsay or the testimony of another's experience. As such, a sort of guessing game of life, too often stepping over into the less than real field of presumption. Some I know would argue that all faith is presumptuous ... I am not one who believes this, but must concede that until faith has been tempered by and through experience, it is virtually impossible to know the difference. And it is this experience that I have gained that makes the difference. ... composed differently male and female and not only physically but with intrinsic psychological and spiritual distinctions corresponding to sexual make up ... this difference in experience and resultant knowledge that I believe lovers

both recognize in each other and want ... But it is more than just a desire to get things our own way ... to satisfy some superficial egotistic need. It is in fact and actuality a manifestation of the depths of who and what we are as human beings ... male and female. One of my Wiccan friends was kicked out today ... In a large part it was his own fault though ... Simply not behaving wisely ... He had not been doing his details as well as needed to be ... fellow residents complaining of his lack ... being openly defiant in chapel ... Though I think he has reason to challenge the spiritually integrity of the powers that be, there is a time where discretion is the better part ... he was bi-polar though on his medication, but regardless, had an attitude that would get him in trouble at some point. I am currently sun burned and red as a beet. I spent the entire day yesterday in back of the mission with friends having a cook out and playing horse shoes. There is an issue that has arisen as a result of this horse shoe playing. Olin, the coordinator of the residents, drove by and was watching residents play horse shoes over the weekend ... He had been sending desk men out to observe the goings on. This morning the hammer fell ... Anyone hanging around out back by the pickup truck and smoking playing horse shoes will be dismissed. Holy shit!!!!! I am waiting for clarification on this one ... to understand just what the real issue is. I have been told by another resident that in the past there had been complaints of all the homeless people hanging around smoking cigarettes and the local business didn't want their customers to have to see them. This business paid to have a privacy fenced in area put on the mission premises so those who wanted to smoke would be required to do so in the smoke pit. Now the issue is the homeless people playing horseshoes in the back of the mission and we would rather not recognize their existence. This is one that really has me pissed. In all my years involved in the church ... there has not been a church picnic that horseshoes has not been a primary source of passing the time and enjoying the fellowship of others. The fact is that there is more substance to the church that occurred out back by that pickup truck and the relationships that were nurtured there than any thing that goes on in the mission chapel. This place is a circus ... You simply do not know who to believe ... Not that even friends (and that is used loosely but not overly critically) will give you the straight truth ... But everyone has their version of the same thing and delivered as though it were the gospel or shrouded in so much ambiguity that nothing of value can be perceived. The only thing that I know is real and true is that which I observe and experience myself and I am real because I can substantiate who and what it is I am. As I somewhat expected, giving my CD's to the desk man got the attention of other staffers here and one, Bill (the brother of Ben who was so taken with my blues) approached me and asked if I had more and I informed him of the status of other tracks recorded. Bill has been VERY aloof ... almost never says a word to residents ... except to criticize ... but he seems impressed with what I have done and wanting to open up a bit to me now ... making one friend at a time ... I guess that's how it's done. 4-13-10 In recent years I had become increasingly public about myself in my blogging ... not really having another to share myself openly with ... communications having broken down where it ideally would have been desired to have been found. I made friends and acquaintances ... some on an intellectual and spiritual level that could have never been experienced otherwise. My mind was expanding to a degree that left immediate natural relations of family and friends far behind. I was not seeking such consciously, but ... I now think I was seeking an intimacy with another that was missing ... didn't really know it was missing ... never had the experience or a credible benchmark of such in order to make any kind of relational comparison. I made some truly

sincere friends ... and there were some who assumed more than they should have ... Being public ... exposing myself to others ... hoping to find another (who I was not aware I was looking for) no longer mattered as much ... and as I found myself increasingly in love ... I realized ... the one who really matters ... the one who understands me ... or at least ... truly seeks to comprehend and know me ... And now public exposure matters little ... There is but one I want to expose myself to. There was a time where displaying my music for the sake of ego gratification was something important to me. But I do not need my ego stroked by the public ... I know who I am ... I know what I can do ... and as long as I have the consent and approval of only one other that I trust and love ... I do not need to give myself away ... Yet ... here ... for the short term I will be exposing myself in public ... not on the Internet ... but in a live open venue ... on my terms ... desired by an audience who is growing to know me ... as I am ... and under an authority who, if they did really know me, would have little or nothing to do with me. I only know, from some past public speaking experience, that I have prepared my self to be and say what it is that is in me ... I know little else how to do it. And I have NO doubt I can not only pull it off, but possibly amaze and astound ... and all this not currently knowing just exactly what or how things will transpire, or whether (in my natural forthrightness and integrity) I will happen to piss off someone I might otherwise wish I hadn't ... I only know I am prepared (though practice of certain skills is a never ending discipline). 4-15-10 I had about a 30 minute talk with the mission chaplain today. When he walked into the chapel this morning our eyes met and we nodded at each other and he mouthed I got your stuff. Later I was applying for my four hour library pass and we crossed paths in the hallway and sat and chatted. It was fairly cordial, open and honest. He asked why I had given him the book and CD's ... To introduce myself I replied. He said he had started listening to the music and gave his impression (ministers are piss poor music critics they don't know what they are talking about, but try to sound authoritative). We talked about different perspectives of evangelicalism, music, Biblical references and generally where friendly. He asked what I was doing here, and I explained both my spiritual and circumstantial perspectives. He asked what I wanted? I told him I was not interested in doing just a few songs at the beginning of a chapel service, but wanted the whole service. He asked if that would be just doing music or speaking, I told him it would include sharing what is on my heart. He said he wasn't prepared to give me that right now. I told him I didn't expect he would be. He said he would read my book and then we get back together and see where things stood. He asked how I was getting on at the mission, was the food sufficient etc. I told him I had no problem with the way the mission was run, I was fed well, and I understood the rules ... I told him that I though some of the rules could be thought of as overbearing but I understood why they are in place. He was happy to see how I felt regarding this. So ... that is where that stands ... but some motion is happening ... and I think it is mostly good. 4-17-10 Maybe I am fool - an ignorant dreamer and bound up in my own fantasy world of illusions believing that the love of a man and a woman for each other can create miracles or surmount essentially any obstacle that would appear to deny them what they have in their hearts ... but I do believe this ... And believing this is more than desiring it, keeping it in my mind ... believing is an action verb ... a word that implies making it happen ... make it so ... staying true to the thing that one hopes for ... And yes I believe there are spiritual forces (their metaphysical nature yet to be fully comprehended) that we experience in our psyche that both aid and work to hinder our hopes and desires ... but this is the reason to understand what these are ... in order to face

them ... deal with them ... and ultimately overcome them ... and realize what it is that is the depths of who and what we are ... And I believe that these desires we harbor and all are connected with our beings to the cosmos ... the universe ... to god ... and as we conceive what it is we are and desire and bring these to the focus of our attention and hold true to them ... but never becoming lax in our hope ... the divine (whatever its nature) is made a manifest agent conspiring with us, and actually because of us and what is in us, to work ALL this that is desired ... if we really have it in our hearts and want it. In the Psalms there is a passage that Christ quoted and appears to be a common theme in New Age theology Know ye not that the scripture says 'Ye are gods' ... This is one of those things that is neglected or swept under the rug, or explained away by Orthodox religion ... It simply wouldn't do to have a populace running around actually coming to comprehend their innate divinity ... Hell ... the religious hierarchy would lose control and no one could say what would become of the political structures ... But it is true that simply claiming an understanding of ones innate divinity doesn't mean squat and could ultimately be the means of ones own destruction ... IF that divinity and divine nature is not understood and simply brandished about in ignorance ... I believe all these years of study and searching I have done is for a reason ... to be used ... to accomplish what it is that is in me ... I believe we are masculine and feminine manifestations of the same divine character ... soul mates if you want to call it that ... equals ... both necessary to the others well being and completion ... I believe the right man and woman are perfect and meant for each other ... and there is nothing in this world or creation that can stop them from being what they could be ... want to be ... if they really decide they want it ... but the man needs the woman ... and the woman needs the man ... that is how we are made ... Fantasy? ... maybe to most ... And maybe it is the working out of this fantasy that is our lot in life ... but that does not negate its truth, for those seeking to find it in each other. Idea ... point of fact (maybe?): ... Have you ever considered why the gods and goddesses were what they were? ... And what their relationship to humankind actually was supposed to be? ... I am convinced that these deific images were not constructs created to rule over us ... to impose their will and torment us ... which seems to be what most get out of the myths .. But I believe these deities are representations of ourselves ... innate to who and what we are ... and our relationships to each other can be understood as the relationships to the gods and goddesses. ... Now ... that is an analogy ... a metaphor ... and only literal as I experience a relationship to another ... But ... what does this say about my relationship to the woman I love? ... and how serious do I take this relationship? To me the woman I love is my goddess ... to be honored ... revered ... and worshiped ... This is not far from how I would perceives it as expressed in Christian terms ... and most certainly Gnostic Christian ... The Holy Spirit ... the Divine Spark ... resides in each and every one of us ... this our divine nature ... god incarnate ... I love the woman I do with the care and affection of my god for my god (goddess) ... I know it's over analyzed and maybe a bit abstract ... But it seems to me that observing and listening to as many as I do, (other male residents) there is an inability to love and to trust the opposite sex because of pains and sufferings incurred through prior experience ... Yet I do not feel this way or hold this kind of bitterness (though I do feel screwed over and realize my ex feels the same way) ... But I do regard the one I love as my goddess ... worthy of all the respect and dignity I can give her ... And I wonder, Is it possible that the ability to love is thwarted because some can not recognize this divine nature that is intrinsic and innate to our human character ... and some not recognizing it in themselves never live it ... experience it? ... I write rhetorically ... or am I crazy? 4-19-10

A family was checked in yesterday evening ... husband and wife and four children ages about 12 down to 3. I have few details, but from appearances, he does not seem to be a derelict father and mom is attentive though obviously stressed out. Other residents for the most part are complaining before the effects of this influx are actually realized. Though I do find myself among those who complain about the over burden of religious requirements, griping about unrealized inconveniences for the the necessities of other human beings is something I can not be a part of ... Is this the funny farm ... and are we all here living with our fantasies and illusions of getting out? ... All with individual, personal hopes of life on the outside that will never come true? ... Are we all deluding ourselves? No medication needed ... we are self medicated ... And if we are, what makes us different from those on the outside ... the ones who think they are living their real lives ... pursuing hopes and dreams that will never happen? ... just grinding away on that treadmill ... doing what they do ... the only purpose ... to pay those bills ... satisfy the ones who actually own us ... the masters of industry and commerce ... the bankers and the government ... letting us hold on to the little we got ... but only until the squeeze can be made tight enough that we finally give up the ghost ... that last bit of life in us that keeps telling us this is what it is all about ... without this life has no meaning ... I think I stepped over that line sometime back ... and it came to pass ... all I had was my dreams ... the things I find that truly make me human ... no things ... just me ... and a few I find along the way who still have their dreams ... though to often ... dreams that are only rehashes of what was an empty past ... It is said ... or written ... someplace ... that we are doomed to relive our errors of the past ... in this life or the next ... until we finally figure it out and get it right ... I'm not sure ... but I think I've figured it out ... I hope so ... There are so many different characters here ... Most with less education, but not all ... My bunkie (Greg the drummer) is college educated and a computer software engineer, ... few actually talk about their past life, but with some, though actually divulging much, it becomes apparent that there is certain education and sophistication. There are a lot of former truck drivers ... most losing their jobs and license do to accidents, that according to them, they were not at fault or an accuracy record that accompanies their driving history (I don know all that much about it) ... and there are a lot of former felons ... former trusts of the state penal system ... Though I take these in particular with a certain amount of caution or reservation, they are interesting to listen to and I do learn from them ... But with all, whoever they may be, I find I reject their underlying base attitudes ... I have to think on my own ... I have my own perspectives ... Then there are those who (regardless of their backgrounds) take up the religious mantle ... these are the ones (though some are sincere) that require the most watching ... they are the ones who will turn on you in a heartbeat ... not that they mean to be disloyal or unfriendly or a snitch ... but they are compelled by a fear of offending their god ... and pleasing their god boils down to unthinkingly giving sway to the demands and whims of the powers that be and upholding the rules ... the law to the letter ... because after all, there is no power except that be from god and those in authority are there for our good ... Using scripture without the brains to analyze it or consider the context critically ... idiots. ... But of all that I know, I think I am the only one who at one time in the past made a conscious decision to follow the path I am on ... not to say I had any definite idea of what was going to happen ... but I considered the possibilities well before they became a reality ... I considered years ago I could end up homeless ... Would I had actually taken the steps I did had I known with absolute certainty I would end up here? I don't know ... but I measured the risk against what I was going for ... So, in a manner of speaking, I am here by choice ... I am, as best I can tell, the only one who is not driven to get immediately back into the work force ... get a job ... with most ... any job ... and the jobs that are available are only such that drain the life out of you ... this does not meet my purpose ... and ... my time is best used feeding my head with the knowledge and information that will serve me ... and practicing ... the obvious benefit being to astound and amaze ... things that as long as

my mind and hands function will never be lost ... and they are mine ... not transferable ... can not be stolen ... and pay future dividends ... 4-21-10 A young man found his way to my cubicle ... He has been here for a while, not as long as me, but a couple months ... Initially he was not accepted readily by most of the older men ... he has his immature side that is rather abrasive and obstinate, loud and offensive, besides a know it all ... These qualities have been tempering lately ... and it really wasn't long before he was showing me the respect of an elder as well as to a few others, but older men who essentially act as fools, he has no tolerance for. My former bunkie Don had no patience for him, and this was reciprocated ... but Don has tolerance for no one and has progressively lost once thought of friends, but that is another story ... But this young man ... Ryan ... began opening up to me ... he had begun a friendship with another older gentleman (PK) who is also a man I have a lot of respect for, but he was away at work this night ... Ryan is passionate and protective of those he loves ... He told me of protecting his mother from beatings received from her former boyfriend and having spent time in jail as a result ... getting in the face of his natural father, who currently is married to his mother, in order to make his father understand Ryan would tolerate no kind of abusive behavior on his fathers part ... he told me of the girl he got pregnant and who eventually dumped him, and of his three year old daughter he has only seen once, at her birth, ... and of his current girl friend whom he connects with via the Internet once a week ... He told me how even just recently he had a warrant out for him in Illinois for parole violation because he is living in a rescue mission in Indiana ... this was brought to the attention of the judge and it has been subsequently dropped ... He then wanted to tell me of things in his life he was not particularly proud of ... I could tell he was hedging slowly into something and was measuring my reaction and receptiveness ... something was bothering him. There were many things he told me about, dangerous, extremely dangerous kids pranks mostly, ... but then he felt secure enough to let it out ... Sometime in the not so distant past he had received a phone call in the middle of the night from a sister informing him that one of his nieces had been sexually abused by his sisters father in law ... Ryan proceeded to drive to the father in laws home ... woke him in the middle of the night ... and shot him in the head ... killing him ... Ryan has also shared this with PK and from what he knows told Ryan he probably did the state a favor ... Apparently this was not the first incident of sexual molestation that could not be proved ... I withheld any comment or judgment ... Thus far the murder has not been traced to Ryan ... Whether the story is true or not it is obvious Ryan has some deep things that are bothering his conscience ... The family that checked in the other day with four children will be put on a bus today for Arkansas ... The husband and the wife are not the the sharpest knives in the drawer ... and I hate to say it, but whether it is her natural state or whether she has been stressed out so bad I don't know, but she is an emotional basket case ... the kids seem normal ... though who knows the effects the life they are living will have on them? ... In the past I had done most of my reading in my bunk or in the TV room during the day when the TV was not allowed to be on ... I have started reading in the Lobby of the mission sitting on one of the pews that line the walls, watching the comings and goings of residents and visitors, and to make myself available to volunteer if I am needed. I ended up cutting grass today at one of the mission properties along with another resident ... I have noticed that I have a tendency to take charge when there is a lack of direction or leadership ... This is something I had not thought of myself, I hate having to be the heavy but do it if necessary ... I suppose it's kind of natural from running a business and all those kids ... I miss them ... This evening I was sitting ... reading ... and one of the desk men asked me to handle the paperwork for someone checking in ... the father of the family that checked out earlier today ... It

appears his wife is now at a womens shelter with the kids and things are on hold to go to Arkansas or where ever ... But cooperation works better for me than bitching about all the ills of this place ... A few others around here just can't seem to figure it out ... Reading in the TV room, squatting on the floor of my cube ... and no matter how enlightening the reading is there is not a mind among the fifty or so male residents and 10 or 12 on the family side ... not to mention staff ... who have any capacity to comprehend or relate to things I am exploring and finding truth in ... ... I'm not so sure any more ... I have discovered that all minds are not created equal ... And having associated with less than stellar intellects has proven that a purely democratic ideal is a sure way to catastrophe and more precisely the raising of demigods to do the thinking that most would rather delegate to another at the sacrifice of those able to think for themselves. ... Everything I hate about religion I have found here, that is a statement I made to Greg, my bunkie, a little bit ago ... and it is true ... That which is the individual, that distinguishes me from another, or a saint from a derelict, is all tossed into a single pot ... and that which is the lowest common denominator not a scientific average of the collective ... but the lowest ... becomes the bench mark for rules and disciplinary actions ... The educated unfortunate finding themselves in hard times is accorded no more consideration than the derelict with nothing to apply themselves too other than the presumed alcohol and drugs you know they will be involved with. Rules which have evolved over the last 120 years that this mission has existed ... rules arbitrarily enforced ... some made up on the fly ... applied as it suits some petty demigods whim ... And all held as the absolute rule of authority as deemed established by and through the Word of God ... the Bible that few have any real knowledge of and those who do twist and manipulate it to suit their own purposes ... resting on a spurious theological foundation perverted into a political tool from its inception. ... Ignorance ... utterly stupid blind ignorance ... from the ones who would preach it trickling down to the ones who sheepishly consume it and become the lumpish pawns of the devout servants of God ... bullshit ... this place gets to me sometimes ... and not just me ... I just seem to be able to hold it in better than most ... Then I talk to someone with more than half an ounce of intelligence and recognize ... I'm not so crazy and the guilt that is used around here to control residents really isn't our fault ... it is true there are cases of abuse but these are very few actually, I believe, from most I have met, if given half a chance and treated like human beings rather than sub-human less than Christian, the morale of both residents and staff would improve 100% ... Of course the con-men and abusers will still need to be guarded against ... but implying guilt before the fact can in no way be regarded as Christian ... The people running this place just can't seem to get that ... Maybe they are burnt out ... and should be in another business? ... Actually, it has been pointed out to me and quite effectively that they are, salvage and recycling supplemented with free resident labor ... I suppose it pays the bills here, but after hearing the salary of some of the maintenance people (related the the family who runs this place) ... besides what I know of the income received for residents completing their religious program ...I think it would do well for any one wanting an education on American Evangelical Christianity to spend a little time here ... One of my friends is moving out tomorrow, Paul the Wiccan who is a CNA ... I think he is making a mistake ... He has bee working at an Arby's and takes home about $150 a week ... he has about #30 in the bank and a bi-weekly paycheck tomorrow. He says he will get a tent and stay in a local camp ground ... the Arby's he works at had a grease fire last night and will be closed for at least two weeks ... hence he will have no work. What has precipitated this is a rule that the mission has ... those who work

must submit 75% of what is earned to the mission for savings and safe keeping ... this is not a bad rule for those unable to handle their money, as they get it back when they do check out ... but it is very offensive to many residents able to maintain their own bank accounts. I personal think Paul would be wiser to submit to the mission rules, save more and have a more definite destination or living situation as well as a more stable job ... the job might be long in coming ... things are more depressed than I had originally thought ... the homeless are everywhere ... they show up here for meals to the public ... The only thing that encourages me is the fact that I am not seeking employment as such ... I believe I am creating myself ... in a sense ... an industry unto myself ... My personal opinion is that more need to create themselves ... create a demand for yourself ... I know the way our society is this is no easy thing ... but as a matter of survival ... what is the real choice ... I do not believe we can depend on the government or corporate industry to supply what we had come to rely on them for ... The capitalist system if it if going to survive must be made accessible to all entrepreneurial efforts even if it means lessoning regulations on small business's and tax exemption ... unless better means of social welfare are developed OR the evolution of a counter culture at odds with the powers that be will undoubtedly grow evermore real. I do not watch the news ... basically don't watch TV ... I don't like what the collective groups tunes in to ... I hardly have a clue what is happening in this country or around the world ... But I see the numbers of homeless right here in Terre Haute ... this is middle America ...it is not New York or Las Angeles or San Francisco or South Florida ... It is the heartland of America ... I seriously doubt that there have been as many homeless here since the Great Depression ... Of course I could be wrong ... I don't have statistics ... but even at that I have learned not to trust government statistics ... they are incomplete and can be manipulated any way to make things appear as favorable as one might desire. IE. I am unemployed ... I am not counted as one of the unemployed ... I have never registered for any unemployment benefits though I have not had a job since Oct 2007 ... Neither do I collect food stamps ... which many residents at the mission do get ... For all practical purposes as far as the government is concerned ... I do not exist ... they did get me in the census count though ... I think twice ... that was a circus when they were here for that ... I would not doubt that most of the homeless I see are not on any government roles ... Though I have met one (and suspect there are others) who get food stamps which applied to their account monthly and have a debit card and travel the country ... shelter to shelter ... making it as best they can ... It's like a lot of the hippy types of the sixties who managed to survive the Yuppy years are being forced back out onto the streets again ... That of course is only my own biased opinion ... 4-24-10 I love the sound of truth as it resonates in the empty heads of those who are not accustomed to it ... accompanied by that blank deer in the headlights stare ... it's like, a clarion call to wake up ... but they can't do that, I already stuffed the friggin' whistle up their ass and constipation is not conducive to clear thinking ... so I really don't expect too much ... but it's Saturday and they don't blow the whistle on Saturdays anyway ... a shame ... I was so looking forward to that high pitched squeal and pounding against the wall and bellowing Get up ... It's waky-waky time ... ... But Saturday is a day of grace ... I understand god doesn't work on Saturdays ... unless he has volunteered for angelfood ... it's always a good idea to volunteer rather than to be volunteered ... no matter ... you still have to show up at the mandatory meeting in chapel at 8 a.m. to make sure the mission is well represented ... as if it really matters ... efficiency of slave labor is never an issue ... lazy and unambitious ... it all works the same ... might even get a few of the more ignorant or intimidated to scrub down some walls while they're at it ... it's for god you know ... Oh ... but god takes Saturday off ... that's a hell of an example ... but at least you get away from the mission for a few hours ... that's something ... don't even have to sign out or use one of my passes ... that's generous of them ... Did I say something about truth making some sound in empty heads ... never mind ... it's all clanging cymbals to the tone deaf anyway ... but OH ... that look ...

it's a Kodak moment ... ... the mission is a classic example of the institution has evolved to becoming the thing to be served and exists only superficially relative to its original inception I.e.the roles of the residents and the mission have been reversed ... My former bunkie Don might be considered the missions school yard bully ... Now he and I get along just fine, but Don uses his size (over 400 lobs) and aggressive manor to intimidate, manipulate and control less stable individuals. I bunked with him for two months and if it wasn't for a quick wit and a hell of a lot of patience I don't think I would have survived. But this morning at breakfast a group of four was sitting at the table next to mine, including a rather hefty married woman Don has taken a shine to and a somewhat insecure young man of about twenty or so ... Don stood at the corner of the table forcing his way into the conversation (to impress the lady no doubt) and the young man made a comment that Don took offense to ... Don proceeded to loudly verbally lambaste this kid almost to the point of threatening him ... this is not the first time Don has pulled this and progressively has lost friends who once enjoyed his jollier side ... I was becoming incensed ... Don began to strut away like a rooster who had just taken control of the barnyard ... I found myself hollering at Don across the dining hall And big and fat don't make a man!!! ... Don had just reached the door and turned around and hollered back What did you say!?!? ... I hollered back at him You heard me! ... He went through the door, slammed it and down to the laundry room ... The fellow who was sitting across from me looked at me smiling and said I think we have just witnessed a strategic surgical strike ... Another fellow at another table came and stood by my table and said I think that just opened a big can of Bubba worms ... the room went silent ... eyes were on me ... I just got fed up, the devil made me do it ... and I laughed ... most around the room smiled. About a half hour later I was up in my bunk, stowing my laptop and was gong to hide the extension cord ... I just wasn't sure what Don would try to pull ... but he came to my room knocked and came in ... Bob I apologize for going off on you like that in the dining room ... Don, you know I like you ... but I just got fed up with the school yard bully throwing his weight around, ... Yeah, but I just had to tell that kid what I did, ... And I had to say what I did too Don ... we shook hands ... the rest of the day was cool ... and the residents had something to talk about ... There are a lot of murmurings going on through the mission ... an announcement was made this morning that anyone working must turn in their moneys on Monday morning or be put out of the mission ... I obviously don't have to worry but it affects a number of my friends ... we'll see what happens ... 4-25-10 I was called down to the front desk today right after lunch and asked if I'd like to make some money ... Sure, what do you got I replied ... I was told a local man who owns a sports shooting range needed a truck unloaded and I and two others took on the job. We unloaded eleven pallets of clay pigeons in just about four hours and were paid $9 an hour each cash ... I will be doing some more work for him on Thursday and Saturday for a shooting match that he will be hosting. This is the kind of job I like ... cash and not long term commitment ... and he seems to be a hell of a nice guy.... the guys that I worked with ... (good workers) ... One, Chris, a 27 year old young man waiting for a veterans disability for injuries incurred in Kuwait ... he has a plate in his head from an IED ... the other, Bill, a 57 year old computer systems analyst, former bank executive, real estate investor ... Bill has an interesting story ... I spent the evening talking to him over pizza (it was nice to have some money to spend) ... he is walking from Ohio to Colorado ... he gave away all of his real estate holdings and is on a spiritual

journey that in many ways parallels mine ... but all in all it was a good day ... I need my lady to take care of this old mans aching muscles ... but I think I did prove I am in better shape than was expected ... Chris couldn't believe how us old guys could keep at it and push him to the ends of his endurance ... but I think I'll sleep hard tonight ... 4-27-10 I was called down to the front desk this morning at 7:30 a.m. ... I had offered my service to get the PA in the chapel functioning but was originally put off as there were regular maintenance people scheduled to deal with it ... They worked on it yesterday ... This morning I was given access to the sound booth and informed that I was the only one allowed into this room and to handle the equipment ... a small step ... but they are showing their trust in me ... I think there are some residents that resent me being given this privilege, but having a bit of understanding of human nature I kind of expected that ... Some I also think resent the fact that I will be submitting a substantial piece of my cash to the mission for safe keeping ... I do not want to open a bank account ... I personally want to stay off of the grid for the time being ... If they resent my decision that is their tough luck ... I understand why they would resent my decision, it is counter to their own personal decisions, and they would like a solid line of solidarity concerning the issue ... it is not that important to me ... I also think some resent that the mission leadership called on me to make some money yesterday and may well profit from it in the future ... but I don't give them grief and I work hard as I have proved and don't complain ... it works better for me to my way of thinking ... But I don't think they will ever figure that out ... 4-28-10 Thoughts come and go ... seemingly from no place to no place ... some help ... some are beneficial ... some are just a waste ... pick the ones you want ... the ones that lead you in the direction you want to go ... the ones that show some promise ... dwell on these ... I do not know all the mechanics of what causes our minds to manifest our creative potential ... I only know, it works ... I know there is more working for us than we in our finite abilities are normally able to comprehend ... But in time and exercise of these things ... we begin to understand and move in them ... and see what we could not previously ... Observing people as I do ... I can not help but be a bit critical at times. Some things I am sure I was probably guilty of in the past myself but for whatever reason have a new perspective. I think being run through the ringer royally may have something to do with it though ... Then again, it is a homeless shelter (rescue mission depending on ones outlook) and many who are here are basically the cumulative results of a life of poor decisions and not planning, add to that other mental and emotional factors and it all adds up to dis-functionality ... Of course many are the result of a system that allowed them to fall through the cracks or ended up cast-off through the normal course of living. But that aside ... I can not believe that the character and traits I observe here are that much more peculiar than the rest of society. And I have to wonder was I as bone headed dead as some of the men I observe here in relation to their wives? ... I would hope not, but my ex might shout out a hearty Amen. But whether I was or wasn't I have absolutely no doubt that people do change and grow and evolve ... IF they are of a mind to and willing to apply themselves ... to search themselves and recognize things in themselves that are not what they or those closest to them know to be the best in them, and turn these around ... I'm not always sure that this is a process that is accomplished consciously, but manifests as unconscious truth finds its way into our conscious thought ... through dreams, fantasizing, or even life crises that turn our lives upside down and inside out ... and we begin a process of reflection that in its own time

becomes our new consciousness, or expanded ... enlightened ... relatively speaking ... And we are not the same ... we have changed ... and maybe in ways we hardly recognize, but many will, and some will hold onto perceptions of the old person we once were ... or even become less than accepting to what we have matured to be ... But if we are true to ourselves we find ourselves taking control and impacting the world around us like we never had before ... we cease being the automaton and live as a cognizant fully conscious human being ... But from what I observe ... few actually reach this level of life ... A woman here, Mindy, broke her foot getting out of the way of a car that almost ran her down ... she hobbled back to the mission, about three blocks ... Her husband, Paul, had just gotten back from work, he was hungry and not exactly sensitive to Mindy's need ... I would definitely call it emotionally detached. He did make sure the ambulance was called, and accompanied her to the hospital, but was not involved with her ... not on an emotional level or empathetic. He did his duty ... But as I sat with Mindy I felt something was missing that she needed from her husband ... We were sitting in the mission lobby, Paul came back from the kitchen with a bowl of rice and meat, I got up and told Paul to sit with his wife, Paul sat down and paying little attention to Mindy, ate his bowl of rice. I was across the way and joking with Mindy ... I told her to hit Paul ... it would make her feel better... which she did ... The paramedics arrived and helped Mindy out to the ambulance ... Paul followed behind ... and looked back at me and rolled his eyes ... I was a bit taken back ... Was I ever so detached from the woman I married and spent so many years with ... I'm afraid I was ... and I can not help but think I did so many things wrong that they could turn out with such little feeling ... Regardless of the rationale or relevant excuse ... I neglected the most important part ... and eventually lost it ... I see so many that into their years have lost what it was that first bound them, and ignorance of the emotional need of others eludes them ...They have forgotten the feeling of love ... and it is particularly the men who fall prey to this ailment. I believe we ... I ... the thinking human ... has the ability to maintain that first love and attraction that is, what it is, to be in love ... and pay that special attention to the woman I love ... to stay attached ... emotionally, feeling as one ... It is a choice ... an act of the will ... emotionally engaged ... and not a matter of chance ... I choose to be what I want to and need to be for the one I love ... not a mechanical duty ... rather an active living desire ... consciously maintained ... Ignorance is no longer an excuse ... Well no weed whacking, but loading traps and sweeping and mopping floors ... These are nice people ... and they like the way I work ... so, they do have a man who has worked for them in the past who is also picking up hours, but I will probably get whatever he can't cover ... it may turn out good and I can save a bit ... we'll see ... I will have a cell shortly ... that is certain ... One thing is good, being away from the mission I don't hear the gossip or know who's sticking their nose into someone else's business ... a few bucks in my pocket, a few more to come, and no lady to take out to dinner ... so I'll save my money and hold it ... I think there might be a country song there too ... I'll be working for them Saturday ... they have a benefit shooting match they are hosting ... I know I'll be loading traps just about all day for that ... It is a higher class of people than found at the mission without a doubt ... undoubtedly more money ... but from what I have seen so far ... a level of character that I feel comfortable with ... at least on the surface ... I have been fooled before ... It will be interesting to see how things pan out ... I have been told by several sources that the family who started and runs the mission used to own this shooting club and it is obvious the mission and the club have very close ties ... Another thing I am learning is that the mission has ties to a great deal of resources in many different areas ... LOL ... someone asked me before we were supposed to have chapel tonight if I were preaching ... Sorry, no not tonight ... 4-29-10 After chapel this morning the chaplain was walking through the dorm's and caught my eye as he passed

by ... a few others were hanging around ...He said he had listened to another of my tapes and was working his way through my book and found them enjoyable ... I thanked him ... and then there was an uncomfortably long silence ... I had nothing more to say and I think he was waiting for me to beg for an opportunity to play in chapel ... we shook hands and he proceeded on his way ... Greg, my bunkie drummer asked me Are we going to play and I said to Greg I think he is scared shitless of me ... I have completed the missions indoctrination program but apparently will not be getting a certificate to that effect because I did not (and will not) complete a statement of faith stating that I accept the precepts of their religious dogma ... otherwise all seems to be cool ... The family with the four kids ... well ... the kids are back with dad on the family side now, and mama is in the hospital ... the general assumption is that it is the psyche ward at the local hospital (Union) or another place closely associated with the mission. Two of the resident women here are taking a close interest in the kids and a few of the men here are just keeping an eye out for the kids as I think dad is overwhelmed ... Oh ... and my friend Paul who was planning and hoping to move out today ... he ain't ... some resources he was counting on fell through ... so he's in a holding pattern ... I told him I personally thought it is for the best ... but it's all cool ... but he is disappointed ... 5-1-10 This week I have found myself sitting at a table for lunch with millionaires (at the gun club) ... and yesterday evening I sat in a beggars gathering called the smoke pit with other mission residents (I seldom frequent this place since I don't smoke) ... The conversations ranged from I made my first 100,000 ... at the one, to bumming cigarettes and cell phones after spending $50 (I did not spend it or do the begging) on two extra large pizzas, at the other ... One was served with class and the bills were high, but not unreasonable, and at the other broken chairs, scattered on pavement, enclosed on three sides with a privacy fence to hide the presence from the neighbors ... And I wonder ... where do I fit? ... I have little to say in either situation ... I am not a pauper ... not in mind or spirit ... though I have heard Evangelical ministers who would claim I am afflicted with a spirit of poverty because I am not endowed with a financial blessing they perceive as a measure of the pleasure and grace of God upon me ... And I have had ministers (three to be exact) who wonder What are you doing here? ... And rather than get into a metaphysical discussion that would only alienate them and be more divisive than productive I tell them God put me here ... the circumstances are irrelevant ... at least as far as it is concerned telling them ... I open up and tell those I come to trust ... that must be earned ... 5-2-10 Time: 7:20 a.m. OK PEOPLE, IT'S TIME TO GO the clarion call is bellowed out by Paul F. across the dining hall ... Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 7:20, though occasionally they let us in few minutes early ... I think the ones preparing the meal are now and again touched with a nonnative feeling of compassion for the human race, remembering that once enjoyed luxury of actually waking up, finishing ones coffee and starting the day alert and mind in full apprehension of it's capacities ... gone are the days ... Less than a minute passes LETS MOVE IT PEOPLE, Paul F. is getting frustrated ... he walks to the far back corner and takes a grip of Mindy's wheel chair and acts as though he is about to wheel her out, but then walks away ... I catch Paul F at the door before I walk, I say I was planning on having a casual leisurely civilized breakfast, thank you for reminding me such a thing is not possible here ... Paul F laughed ... we both see the irony of the situation ... we both have to follow the rules ... life is not meant to be lived by rule ... guidelines suffice for the undisciplined ... the mature can think

and act for themselves ... but it is true, there are a few of them here ... though they think otherwise ... 5-3-10 Sometimes I might overreact ... like when I might misinterpret what someone says or take the intentions of theirs actions the wrong way ... have you ever noticed that of me? ... ever do it yourself? ... Well someone left a pair of pajama bottoms on my dresser yesterday ... anonymously ... (I also hate it when people feel they have to act anonymously I feel in a lot of ways it's a kind of cowardice) ... but I really have a problem with the whole Guitar Hero video game syndrome ... I see a lot of adult or presumably so called adults trying to pretend their life away as if they can imitate skilled musicians and prove something in the faking it ... I'm sorry ... to me ... it's just so much bull shit ... But that's just me ... But .., for another not knowing me to in any way associate me with the idea of Guitar Hero really gets under my skin ... and in the case of the pajamas, I wasn't sure whether someone was showing a kind of respect or being facetious ... I took them and placed them on a desk counter where clothes are exchanged and passed on to other residents in need ... It turns out they were left by an ex-felon across the hall who thought I would appreciate them ... oops ... but he did figure out how I felt ... 5-4-10 I am pissed right now ... Not emotionally overwhelmed ... but something deeper ... a feeling that, though definitely stirring my emotions, is born deeper ... a concern for what is right ... human ... a compassion and concern for an individual who may not have the capacities and resource to simply survive an undefined situation ... and the level of ignorance, incompetence and apparent lack of concern exhibited by those who are presumably our overseers ...the guardians of the mission ... the desk men ... Albert ... a seventy-seven year old black man is AWOL beginning last evening bed check ... Albert hasn't been here very long ... maybe a month ... but has endeared himself in the hearts of most of the residents here ... He has suffered from stroke and has diabetes ... He hobbles along at a snails pace, one foot at a time, a foot at a time and has the spiritual balls to tell the desk men to Go fuck yourself ... He doesn't talk a lot and does not draw attention to himself ... but there is an ageless kind of wisdom that this old man exudes just sitting to himself on one of the pews in the mission lobby or on the edge of his bunk ... It is reported by some residents that Albert intended to walk to Kroger's (about a mile) to see about getting a phone ... he may have been in the smoke pit around 7:00 p.m. ... He was not present at 9:00 p.m. bed check ... around 10 it was circulating that Albert was AWOL ... On the men's side concern was growing and it was apparent to virtually any with an ounce of sense it reached a time to demonstrate some of this Christian concern and compassion that is presumably preached here and take some affirmative action and look for Albert ... but the bureaucratic corporatized mind set that pervades and robs individual human beings of their innate capacities of soul and spirit ... that personal relation to the divine that compels one human to respond to another has already dominated the thought processes and ability of our illustrious desk man ... The rules and order must be maintained ... we can not let the mass of homeless refuse out at night permeating the streets of our fair city ... who know what fear that would engender ... And the ability of our desk man is so inhibited that he can't make a decision to call the police and report a situation that might involve an old man on the streets ... unable to make it back to his bunk ... Inability ... incompetence ... fear of making a decision that is not covered in his limited experience and might actually mean exercising some initiative and authority requisite to the position of authority of the position he holds ... Yes ... I'm pissed ... along with a few dozen other concerned men ... Christian? ... bullshit !!! ... ... ... I took my dirty clothes down to the laundry before breakfast and was walking back to my bunk ... What's this I see? ... Albert ... getting dressed in his cubicle ...Hey, Albert, where you been? You had some of us worried

last night ... I been to the hospital ... you OK, you had us worried? ... OK he acknowledged in his usually low growl ... My friend Paul F was hit by a car yesterday while on his bike ... not a hard hit, but enough to bruise him up badly and he was swelling and some thought he may have had internal damage ... he was made to go to the hospital ...But I have detail to cover and I have to go to work ... stubborn fool ... So now he is hobbling around here on crutches ... in obvious pain ... and friends are covering his detail ... he said he has today off from work but will be going tomorrow ... I told am I will monitor his condition and we'll deal with work, or not, tomorrow ... There is a level of brilliance that must be attained, or more probably denied, before responsible authority is exercised (or stuffed where it can't be recognized) ... I have been seeing a lot of that ... This is not a criticism of what many are trying to do, only an observation of the lack of requisite character to accomplish the task ... whether that be stymied by personal inability, religious indoctrination, or corporate policy ... it all comes down to the same thing ... incapacity to act ... A young man in the cube next to mine was put out this morning for texting in chapel ... Here at the mission disciplinary warnings are not issued ... only the full brunt of the wrath of God through an administrator overtaxed by the criticisms from apparent all sides and patience having been chucked a long while back ... we used to refer to this as burn out ... and retreat into more reflective and quieter circumstances suggested ... Or ... simply continue to inflict your pain on all those you come into contact with, and particularly those unable to react in a mature or adequate way ... Bob Couchenour report to the front desk, Bob Couchenour report to the front desk just came over the intercom ... Oh shit what did I do now? .... ... I was volunteered to go on the mission truck to pick up donations ... no problem ... I went with Bill ... an employee I have seen since I have been here. I actually expected to be volunteered for this duty a long time ago, but I think because of my age, and the fact that they had younger resident essentially doing nothing, I was spared this ... But it turned out that it was really pretty cool ... Bill and I got along great ... He is 48 and originally from New Hampshire (I thought I recognized a New England accent) ... but Bill and I see much the same things regarding the mission ... He obviously does not know and I'm sure would not share all my theological perspectives, but in general ... we got along well ... great conversation ... I told him when I go to the library, but that I would be available to help him any other time as he needs it ... It has become pretty evident to all that I have a priority to be at the library on Tuesdays and Friday afternoons, and they respect this ... 5-5-10 I had never lived in a group situation before that had placed me in such close proximity with so many other men (or women for that matter, though I am not in close proximity to them) ... I had never been in the military or had to experience any kind of barracks lifestyle, including jail or prison ... The most collective social experience I had was essentially as it might be in the church ... and there you really don't get to know others as intimately as you would having to live with them. Church life is basically a front ... a lot of putting on your best face ... religious persona's ... the stuff you want to show ... but nothing of much depth or real human honesty ... the warts are covered up ... character flaws are tucked away for the limited times one must exhibit oneself in public ... What goes on behind the eyes of most is so managed that even the most flagrant social blemishes are painted to appear as virtues and justified as shadow traits amounting to a strength of character to be harnessed and made workable ... to the glory of God ... In my younger years I am not sure I could have managed a barrack lifestyle and not have been severely tarnished by it

... I simply had not yet developed the spiritual character that could sustain me through the negative influences of peers, mostly seeking their own pleasure and unfettered (unthinking) sexual desires ... For a year, summer '74 through summer '75, I did travel on an evangelistic team and was paired up with other male team members to live in the homes of Christian families at the various churches we ministered out of ... This was a purely straight and disciplined association with fellow Christian brothers, but certainly would not be considered a communal or group living situation ... But ... It was influential in that the guys I associated with were definitely of a monogamist (one man one woman) conservative mind in relation to their future mates ... I am not so sure this association was all that influential on me (though it might have been), because I was already, even before coming into relation with these Christian brothers, of a mind having the ideal of that one woman in whom I would eventually find satisfaction of mind, spirit and sexual desires. Now I find myself in a pseudo-Christian environment ... confronted with a kind of tossed salad of mostly less than ideal and some I consider morally and/or bordering on perverse conceptions of what constitutes the relationship between a man and a woman. By perverse I mean distorted ... and mostly denigrating the role of a woman in a male female relationship ... these being born out of broken relationships and divorces ... many of them multiple ... and I have no doubt leaving female counterparts every bit as devastated, if not more so ... But ... and this the big BUT ... I am not one of them ... I am not one who has lost my perception and ideal of that lady who is my perfect counterpart ... my soul-mate ... my dream girl ... I know she exists ... I could have become very lax in my associations ... I could have abandoned my ideals ... I was lonely ... wanting the companionship of a woman ... I was reaching a point that I did not care anymore ... I was starting to think all my ideals and hopes were just another part of the illusion ... the lie ... nothing was real ... nothing had value ... all was just a matter of taking as much as you can get ... THEN I fell in love ... And a spark inside of me was fanned into a blaze ... and it didn't take long before I realized what I had been missing ... missing literally all of my life ... And I could not turn back ... I have discovered that I am not like other men ... not in many respects of character, desire, drive and focused attention ... I am not a part of the herd ... though I had tried to fit in, and accommodate myself in order to survive ... But I am not a good fit ... I am not such that follows uncritically or submitting my powers of thought and reason to what ever happens to be the status quo simply to get by ... to survive without making waves ... though I do not intentionally (without good reason) try to cause contention ... But I maintain my own thought processes and sometimes this is an offense to those in authority, not taking the time, making the effort, or having the mental acumen to work through the complexities of changing lifestyles and environment ... Before ... I have no doubt these qualities were in development in me ... but until then I was ignorant of them ... You ask me if I am OK ... physically ... yes ... otherwise ... Sometimes I feel like I am beginning to wonder ... is it all just an illusion? ... another part of the bigger lie I believed in? ... A cruel jest that the god of creation plays on helpless hoping humankind ... Am I a fool? ... and other times: ... I just feel like kicking someones ass ... so I volunteer to serve dinner ... and listen to them bitch as they come through the line ... and pointedly say to them If you don't like what is served, dump it in the garbage ... this isn't Burger King ... You aren't going to get it your way ... or ... I refuse to wear a hair net over my beard and let them know if they don't like grey beard hairs in their Lasagna ... volunteer to serve so I won't have to ... or ... since TV will be cut

off if there are not enough volunteers to serve ... Fuck your TV ... I don't watch it anyway ... Sometimes I feel like saying Fuck it all ... nothing works and nothing ain't ever going to work ... what's the use? ... and I get no answer ... Sometimes I feel like I am in the middle of a slow crash and burn and I wish it would just get itself over with ... I wonder if purgatory is worse than this? ... or is this purgatory? ... And I never have any idea what to do other than what I am doing ... I played last night ... sitting on a pillow squatting on the floor ... it is probably my favorite playing position ... legs crossed ... guitar cradled in the cup created by my legs ... fretboard as optimally located as is possible ... to see and to finger ... and young men gathering , watching listening as I create wonders ... can you teach me? ... Sure ... get a guitar ... I will not teach you songs ... but I will teach you the language of music ... and you can create your own ... to be continued ... 5-6-10 There are some really good men here ... I mean really decent guys ... but through some misfortune of life have just been screwed over. Guys who take other younger men and boys under their wing and provide a little insight ... counsel ... wisdom of years ... And though all holding different perspectives and levels of religious faith, seem to respect and concur with the others of their age and stature regarding most issues that are commonly faced. Most do not have a great deal of education, though some, like myself, are more inclined to expanding their minds through reading, though I would tend to discount the quality of some of the reading material or the limited scope as most are religiously bent to an Orthodox frame of thinking ... But ... regardless ... there is a level of maturity that earns the respect that is associated with grey hair and beards ... and younger men receiving this oversight and guidance ... for the most part ... recognize it ... and form bonds of attachment that undoubtedly will transcend the years and current situations ... A cry from outside the door of my cube ... at first almost unintelligible ... Somebody help me !!! ... Ryan S ... 42 ... a former high school English teacher .... very shy ... timid .. insecure ... suffering from diabetes and other issues ... not at all the epitome of masculinity ... is confused ... disoriented ... doesn't know exactly where he is ... What day is it? ... What time is it? ... I can't find my glasses ... I find a reading light I use after hours and direct him back to his bunk ... One of his bunkies asks Is everything alright ... Ryan answers ... I found them ... yes ... I go back to my cube ... I hear Ryan say Thanks ... ... ... This incident just happened as I started to write this paragraph ... synchronicity? ... too many to write off as pure coincidence ... There is an overburden that is placed on these fathers by default though ... It is they who oversee the functioning of this place to a great extent and keep the younger guys out of trouble and doing their details ... like it is expected of them ... besides some being stuck in outside over-night factory work that virtually drains the life out of them ... I can not imagine it being a far cry from the abuses of the late nineteenth century industrial revolution ... 5-9-10 I am beginning to think that the best times to play are when I am lonely and bordering on depressed ..I feel lonely ... often ... All these people ... and no real connection .... So I get lonely ...

almost pissed ... and lose my self consciousness and work it out ... and though there are men close by ... though out of sight ... in their cubes ... and some standing outsides doors ... desk men ... just hanging around ... listening ... I work a few miracles ... ... I stop ... silence ... some quiet conversation ... I put my guitar away ... wipe down the strings and the sweat off the face of the guitar ... close the case and lean it against the wall between the two dresser drawers ... walk to the bathroom ... and the young men call me Sir ... and the older men respect me ... An old man was checked in yesterday evening ... All he had was the clothes on his back, a laptop computer with computer bible program, and some news paper clippings from 1929 ... He was born the day before the stock market crash of October1929 ... He sat alone with me this morning at breakfast ... I had apple juice and coffee, he had about half a bowl of oatmeal and half a donut ... we said nothing through breakfast ... he got up to leave, smiled at me and said something unintelligible, looked around and then yapped a couple times like a small dog ... this might be interesting ... I have gotten into the habit of sitting in the mission lobby to read ... the bunk and the TV room simple lose their appeal with such limited views and absence of activity ... Occasionally, actually regularly, as I am there more often now, residents will come through, say Hi or sit with me for a while ... I sit in a little cove area from which I can observe the goings on in the center floor, on a short pew between two doors to the rest rooms, across from three soda machines, with the elevator at the far end (you must have specific permission or be handicapped in order to use the elevator, otherwise use the stairs) ... It makes a nice semi-private space to talk and remain mostly unobserved ... Sometimes, depending who it is, I will close my book and sit and listen to who might come and sit on the pew with me ... sometimes people will force themselves upon me, interrupting my reading, assuming they have something of utmost importance that I must know ... more often than not they just want someone to talk to ... who they feel safe with ... 5-11-10 I don't belong here ... not that I have a particular problem with anyone ... but my thinking processes are so different, even in relation to some of the most educated and sophisticated, and this would include my bunkie Greg, that there is a wall of division that, though not hostile, prevents any real understanding or common perception (even though not needing agreement) from being discussed or considered ... I think it truly is a matter of the difference between a mind that is set on higher spiritually discerned things, as opposed to the mind that is focused on the more mundane elements of life and the pain incurred and being tainted and unable to even desire the possibility or potential of a fullness of life derived from beyond the current lower dimensional material stratum. When fart humor becomes the norm and the height of what occupies the minds you know something is seriously wrong ... When you find yourself settling in, and realizing that you are adapting to a lifestyle and level of companionship founded on the lowest common denominator that present company can attain too ... the civilized world transcending ignorance and the banal apparently having abandoned you ... as though civilization actually had anything real to offer in the first place ... yet there being no apparent real option ... the limits of ones faith and hope seemingly coming to a rapid end ... and the pure ignorance, stupidity and perversion of truth as ascribed to by the status quo not being an option ... what the fuck does one do? . I openly broke a rule yesterday evening ... We serve dinner Monday through Friday to the residents 5:00 to 5:30 p.m. ... My detail is to clear the serving tables and clean up the steam table and stainless steel and stove ... I had h\just removed all the pans and food from the steam table into the kitchen and was about to begin wiping down everything ... the 80+ year old man who checked in the other day showed up at 5:35 ... The rule is We stop serving at 5:30 ... no exceptions ... The dishwashers and

clean up guys can become very irate if they have to wait on those who lolly-gag and take their time, and simply can't make on time ... It wouldn't be the first time I denied food to someone walking in late and expecting to be coddled to ... The old man was bent over and picking up his fork, knife and spoon ... Where ya been, your late? I asked ... Oh, I thought it was 5:30 ... No ... I explained the serving schedule ... Wait, here ... I'll get you something ... I picked up a tray and went back into the kitchen ... fortunately the pots and pan man had not dumped the remains of this evenings meal ... I spooned out some ham and bean soup, something else I can't remember and some corn bread and took it to my friend ... he went to the back of the dining hall while the clean up crew were wiping down tables ... The cook went back and had a few words with him ... I don't know what was said ... Bitching about the trivial is the norm here ... I expected a snide comment or two ... nothing was said ... I passed the cook in the hall later (He is ultimately the kitchen boss) ... everything was cool ... Not the first rule I've broken ... but to do it openly ... I may eventually push somebody's button ... 5-12-10 Dreams are what give us the ability to transcend the mundane ... don't ever stop dreaming ... dreaming, ... waking kind, freeing the imagination in a conscious innate link to the divine, ... the sleeping kind, our unconscious link to hearing the divine teach us about ourselves through archetypal images ... We are the divine ... As Christ said quoting the psalms Ye are gods, only in our ignorance we have forgotten ... time to live s gods again ... realizing the Kingdom of God within us ... manifesting it around us ... But some can not handle it ... and others would hide it from us ... but it is ours ... and it has nothing to do with religion ... I will teach you ... I sat ... and lay ... in my bunk ... middle of the night ... for several hours ... it's not unusual ... then I awake ... lights on ... a desk man walking the hall ... knocking on the wall outside my cube Time to get up! ... I growl and sit up ... If I must ... sweating from the stale air and lack of circulation ... my pillow is wet ... sweaty ... we can't open the windows and the AC will not be turned on until someone in the office decides it is the humane thing to do ... But the offices are comfortable ... and the residents are here because we like it here, it is our choice, so they tell us ... but I suppose it is better than being on the streets ... and there are many on the streets ... A thirtyfive year old preacher harping on his perception of our (residents) ... my ... situation and reality ... I would wonder if he is up to or willing to give himself to a logical didactic dialog regarding some evolving realities of our economic and political situation ... I already know a religious discussion is well out of the question ... I suppose if one grows up with a shit house it takes considerable effort to get used to an indoor toilet and conveniences ... it simply doesn't smell right ... So ignorance is substituted as the divine will ... so full of shit ... That which is, is of divine origin and right ... the same logic that claims the divine right of kings ... yet neglects the responsibility of the position over those they would rule, to implement the changes requisite to an evolving social and economic reality and ends in revolution and the guillotine or the gulag ... 5-13-10 I just spent the better part of the morning on the mission truck ... will be going out again after lunch ... at least it gets me out of here for a day ... I am fifty-eight years old ... essentially worked all my life ... when I work ... I work hard ... I expect to exert myself and sweat ... even in dry weather ... I have always been one to take a lead ... I am reaching a stage that I am not entirely sure I am comfortable with ... younger men both taking the interest and showing me a respect and difference on account of my years and experience ... expecting less of me physically ... but

paying attention to me when I share things or give instructions ... I go out as part of a crew, not expecting a status of an elder, but that is what I am ... and though I spent most of my adult working life supervising others ... it is a strange feeling when the respect once accorded with age, is actually given ... and not by virtue of my position or title. I'm not sure I like this getting old shit ... I am in pretty decent shape for my age ... though I do have my aches and pains that weren't there a few years ago ... but I move better now than 10 years ago ... since I lost 50 pounds ... but I see the lines in my face evolving ... my hands, though nimbler on a fretboard and in control of my guitars strings are becoming wrinkled ... my face ... especially around the eyes show the birds feet ... quite noticeably ... in under my left eye just to the left is new distinctive wrinkle that has become prominent over this last few weeks ... this may be partially do to the weight I have lost in my face ... the skin is not as tight as it once was ... and shadows now enhancing some character hidden behind these eyes ... What do people see? ... What does this face say? ... never saying a word ... I'm not sure entirely why, but tears are running down my face s I write this ... This has been an interesting 24 hours and the drama is still not played out. Yesterday one of the residents, Jerry an ex-con and on parole, receive some prescription medication that I have been told is similar to Valium only considerably stronger and other medications for seizures of some kind ... The Mission requires these be turned into the front desk to be dispensed every morning on a daily basis ... Jerry failed to turn these in as required ... He did not feel confident turning them in to any one except the head desk man ... He took his medication yesterday evening and they knocked him out ... he fell asleep in a friends bunk while visiting ... Jerry's bunkie got a hold of his drugs and proceeded to dispense them to any who wanted some apparently ... One who got the drugs became disoriented after lights out, thought someone stole his cell phone and went on a rampage looking for the thief ... In the process of doing this he dropped his cell phone on the ground, it ended up in another's room with the back of it off and the battery and sims card out of it ... He proceeded to gather some others to join him in the search and they went room to room waking any they suspected and raising a general ruckus ... The desk man on watch is a fellow I greatly respect ... I have written some about him before, Bill, a fellow spiritual searcher ... walking across the country ... He ended up having to dismiss the young man on drugs who thought he had lost his phone ... What has turned out in connection with this situation is that there were nine others partying on the pills ... out of 90 pills that were there yesterday there are now only 3 left ... All 9 of those who partied on the pills were kicked out this morning with no further lodging to be extended to them for at least one year. One of those who was dismissed was a former desk man that I had written about in the past ... the one who would walk the halls shining his flashlight in on residents after lights out ... His room walls were covered with peanut butter this morning ... he had taken a stick of candy and covered it with tobacco (rolling your own cigarettes is very popular here) ... I tried to wake him this morning when he was called down to the office, but he was dead to the world, I left him there and the director responsible of men had to rouse him out of bed ... He has been also highly suspected of closet homosexual tendencies ... He attached himself to young men newly entering the mission ... It has come out as a result of searching his cube that he had a great many prescription drugs in his possession ... none that were prescribed to him ... also ladies panties were found in his drawers ... It also come out that he has been stalking a former young man who left the mission several weeks ago, going to his home ... being a peeking tom ...and harassing him at work. Ceiling tiles were removed and other contraband (food, candy, pornography) seen hidden in the ceiling areas of other residents ... Ceiling tiles from numerous rooms were investigated ... All the contraband (excluding the porn) is at the main desk now and we have been warned to expect a reading of the riot act in chapel tomorrow (Friday) ... Many of us are preparing for a general search and seizure operation immediately following chapel ... I have no porn (except on disk and on my other computer which is in my truck) ... I took my hunting knife, scissors and candy out to my truck ... I ill be disconnecting all evidence of hooking up to an outlet before breakfast tomorrow ... hmmmm? ... I think

that covers it ... I just hope they don't pull one of their No Pass Lock downs ... that will really piss me off ... I have a four hour pass to go to the library tomorrow and if that gets fucked with ... I just might have to get in somebody's face ... The one person who I am not sure should have been kicked out of here is Jerry ... He is a victim of his own irresponsibility, but I think NFL is too severe a punishment ... He will probably end up back in jail ... Being that the mission was one of the stipulations of his parole ... I will be playing things by ear tomorrow morning ... While all this crap was going on last night I was fast asleep and dead to the world ... except for the light show that was going on in the cube next to mine which I learned in the morning was the beginning of the nights festivities ... But I was out ... and missed all the fun ... and I dreamed ... heavily ... although I can't remember exactly what the dream was ... but I do know what it left in my conscious mind ... I am not a fool ... Justin and Ariel Sherwood have been in and out of the mission for about a month ... they have four children, two boys 14 and 11, and two girls 6 and 3 ... They come from Las Vegas Nevada ... the details of their coming to Terre Haute are rather sketchy, I was told to be near Ariel's father someplace in the area ... They originally checked in and a few days later out, supposedly to catch a bus to Arkansas ... It turned out Ariel and the kids went to the Connors Center, a shelter for women and children and Justin ended up checked back in to the mission alone ... The next day Justin was back on the family side with the kids and Ariel had been admitted to a hospital psyche ward ... For a couple weeks Justin had all the kids on his own and it was obvious, struggling ... Neither Justin or Ariel are very bright ... I would even call Justin dim witted ... Ariel eventually rejoined the family at the mission and it was obvious she was on some medication that had calmed her down ... Once I was sitting in the mission lobby reading and she sat on the pew next to me while she was attending to her two daughters ... She began to talk to me ... she was calm ... relaxed ... and telling stories about her life experiences that were reminiscent of something out of the twilight zone ... She told of the bus ride across country from Nevada and how the bus turned into a plane and even the little girls experienced the transformation to flying ... She called the 6 year old over to confirm her story ... The six year old nodded ... I said nothing ... Before Ariel left sitting with me she asked me not to say anything to anyone ... Some people don't understand. ... I'm not sure ... I do not distance myself from people very well ... If they show some hint of wanting to be friendly ... I at least listen ... then decide to walk away or even reject ... and in some cases only remain cautious ... I'm not sure that some (like Ariel) don't interpret the lack of rejection as a sign of unqualified acceptance ... I see her staring at me periodically ... I was doing a substitute kitchen detail the other morning ... cleaning up the stainless steel (my usual detail at another hour) ... I set my travel coffee cup down (full of coffee) while I worked ... I went to get it ... it was gone ... I looked all around the kitchen ... in the dining area where I had been ... it was no place ... I thought someone might have taken it to run through the washer ... nope ... I was baffled and getting a little pissed ... I left the dining hall and then came back to look again ... As I walked to the back I saw Ariel and her girls sitting finishing their breakfast ... Ariel had my coffee cup ... I wasn't gong to make an issue of it ... This woman is just not mentally together ... I walked out ... dropped the subject ... Yesterday morning during chapel, as we were read the riot act regarding the drug party a couple nights before, Olin mentioned that a knife had showed up in the laundry of one of the families ... not good ... it was the Sherwood's ... The previous night the Sherwood's had been arguing on the family side ... the desk men were called in ... even one off duty ... they couldn't handle the situation so Olin was called in late at night from home ... One of the Sherwood's (I'm not sure which) was threating suicide ... Yesterday afternoon the Sherwood kid's were in private sessions with the state child welfare people ... This morning the state is supposed to remove the children from the care of their parents ... I was down in the lobby to observe the goings on ... Everything was calm ... I would even say Justin was happier than usual ... Ariel was somber, but not distraught ... the kids were kids ... the girls playing ... being cute ... the boys playing

with yoyo's ... I heard the oldest boy ask Why do we have to go? ... no answer ... Olin had come in ... He does not usually come in on Saturday ... The Sherwood's went outside to wait for a cab ... Most of the family was out front ... the youngest girl (3) stood quietly on the side of the building unattended ... eventually the parents noticed her missing ... they got in a cab ... (to be continued) ... Alvin Louis is a young man, maybe in his twenty's or early thirties ... dark complexion, curly hair, heavily bearded, usually wearing some sort of workman's hat, jeans, tattered flannel jacket ... He spreads a blanket on the floor and sleeps on it ... he won't sleep in his bunk ... Most of us thought he was from India or some other Middle Eastern country, but we were wrong ... Alvin says very little ... I have volunteered and been teamed up with him and he doesn't take a great deal of initiative but when asked to do something is willing, but generally has to be shown exactly what to do ... He does volunteer a lot ... I think in his mind he is trying to secure his sleeping and eating situation ... but aren't we all? ... I have never seen Alvin in an actual conversation with anyone ... he generally sits alone at meals ... He does feel comfortable with most of the residents and joins them watching TV (I avoid the TV myself) ... My bunkie (Greg) works at the local Sony plant stuffing CD and DVD's into boxes ... It turns out that a woman was hitting on him the other night ... and it just turns out she is Alvin's aunt ... Alvin used to live with her, but when she lost a prior job Alvin had to come live at the mission ... Alvin apparently is highly educated ... an extremely intelligent man ... but at one time someone slipped him a mickey (of what sort I do not know) and Alvin has never functioned normally since ... Last night I sat on the floor of my cube, on a pillow with my legs crossed in front of me on a blanket and played ... I was doing some experimenting, some thing I had explored before but had not fully developed ... It is an improvisation in B Diminished ... this is a very unusual mode to do anything in, but if mastered well it works great for blues and jazz and other avant-garde sorts of things ... I won't go into the technical stuff, it wouldn't mean anything except to another advanced musician ... But this mode expresses a lot of tension ... musical phrases apparently seeking some sort of resolution and always having to keep searching but tying together one to the other, in and out of closely associated keys or relative chords ... not what you would ever find on top forty or making a decent video, but artistically complex and compelling ... and most listening would never be able to understand why ... and why it works ... I looked up ... through the doorway to my cube ... Alvin was standing there ... I think he understood ... There is no doubt he was getting into it ... 5-14-10 I just slept for a couple hours ... it felt real good ... I was drowsy, and there was no reason to stay awake, and I reason I have a good reason to sleep on through the night ... But I did wake up as others were returning to their cubes and the desk man was coming round taking the roll ... I am an artist ... I am a seeker of truth (for lack of a better description) ... I don't know if that makes me a philosopher, theologian, prophet or general all round bull shiter ... and though I love to play and want to, and take it as far as is possible, it IS NOT the most important thing in my life ... that is reserved for the woman I love ... This is the most important lesson I have learned ... True love doesn't happen very often, when you find it, treasure it ... protect it ... give yourself to it ... I have said it and written it before, time and distance are only temporal obstacles ... 5-17-10 I do get frustrated sometimes ... depressed ... but these feelings go ... they do not last indefinitely .... something happens to readjust my thinking and get my perspective back the way I want it to be ... I told Greg (my bunkie) the story of my travels from Rhode Island to Terre Haute last night

... and a few other tid bits of spiritual experiences over the years ...He said I seemed to have a fatalistic attitude regarding making it or not ending up homeless along the highway someplace ... all I could say is that there is something in me that keeps me going ... Sure ... I can call it one thing and others can call it another ... but whatever it is I don't think it is fatalistic ... more providential ... In any case ... some do not understand why I do not focus on getting my truck running ... fix the flat (it's only half flat) and do what I need to to get the brake line fixed ... well ... First ... I have no place particular I want to go ... to fix the brake line could open up a whole can of worms, leading from what is hopefully a simple repair into something much more complex and expensive as the fittings are rusted and not having tools available to me I would have to have a shop do it for me and be at their mercy ... and I have not found that there is very much mercy going around lately ... That means I would need some form of regular income to serve the need of my truck ... which has no immediate purpose to serve me and my ultimate goals ... So I would be working to serve my possessions ... and happiness and joy in life are not resident in my possessions ... Doesn't the Declaration of Independence declare that we hold certain truths to be self evident, among these being life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness ... I know ... we are not guaranteed happiness ... only the right to pursue it ... Joseph Campbell, mythologist and scholar of ancient legend and lore including Native American, said Follow your bliss ... not the money, riches or fame ... your bliss ... To each of us it is something different ... The drama continues ... The Sherwood's still have their kids, but it is just a a matter of time I think ... They were sent out Saturday for some sort of family outing (very unusual for the mission to do this) ... They came back in the evening ... The oldest boy with a broken arm ... we were informed it was broke falling from some kind of simulated rock climbing amusement ... Olin was in Sunday night and the entire family escorted down to his office at 9:45 ... I go upstairs for bed check ... as soon as I reach the top of the stairs, Ariel is running up the stairs and down the hall to the family side like a bat out of hell(very strange) ... The rest of the family following quickly behind her ... This morning, a school bus shows up to pick up the oldest boy for school ... this is the first time since they have been here ... Ariel is raising hell about having to go to court in the rain ... The oldest boy turned up missing and eventually is observed walking down an alley near the mission, Olin brings him back in and the police were called in ... I'm not sure of the nature of the report that was filed ... One of my buddies, James Murphy was being trained last week to be a desk man ... he decided he doesn't want the position ...too much responsibility ... He recommended me for the position ... It was the topic of conversation as we waited for breakfast this morning ... this is the first time my name has been made so public ... a current desk man was monitoring the discussion ... I made it clear that I didn't give a damn about having my own TV ... but I did like the idea of a room with a door, and I want to be able to set up my desk top computer to use all the resources I have for research and study and writing ... The desk man asked me this evening if I was going to be the new desk man and I told him If I am approached about it, I will discuss it with Olin ... A new family checked in ... young couple ... with five small children ... Holy shit!!! ... Desk men are responsible for maintaining order ... and thus have the authority to kick out those who do not comply ... Maybe I am a surrogate grand-dad ... I remember my grandfather on my mothers side dealing with us kids when we would visit him and my parents took some time to themselves ... He was strict ... but I loved that man ... I was at his hospital bed when he died ... I was the last one with him ... He looked up at me ... I was crying ... and he said ... barely audible ... It's all right Bobby ... and gasped ... I went to the waiting area and sat down ... I told my mother, aunt and uncles they need to get in ... they rushed to the room ... he was gone ...

I spent most of the morning in the lobby reading ... watching the comings and goings ... Wendall, one of the desk men, not real bright but a real friendly guy, spent twenty years in prison and then after some time on the streets found his way to the mission ... he and I have been growing to trust each other and a friendship is developing ... slowly ... He told me he has submitted my name for consideration to become a desk man ... wait and see ... I watched the new family as they came down to the lobby ... all five kids in tow ... they bought soda's for the kids and sat on the other side of the lobby ... Rev Jocund (the mission CEO) was passing through and spent some time with them ... the kids ... were kids ... but mom and dad had control ... I asked the ages of the boys ... 8 ... twins 5 ... 3 and a toddler.. I think the toddler was a girl ... wearing pink ... I watched them for about 40 minutes ... I was starting to become emotionally involved ... tears welling up ... I was finding it hard to control them ... I remembered my kids ... our early years ... damn ... ... things are moving along here ... I do start training this afternoon to become a desk man ... This morning the announcement came over the intercom Gary Moore report to the office ... then less than minute later Bob Couchenour report to the office ... Gary Moore is a black man ... oh, in his mid forties ... he came to the mission one day before I did ... I was his bunkie in a four man room, until he move to a two man room, for about two weeks after we both first got here. Gary was very distraught ... life and family just seemed to fuck him over ... Gary was pouring himself into the Evangelical Christian thing, and I might emphasize, the black Evangelical Christian thing ... He really didn't have a clue what it was (or is) all about, but he wanted to get into the role ... the status side of being a respectable Christian ... a minister of the Gospel ... He was often perplexed at the questions and arguments I would confront him with ... I really think he thought I was off my rocker, and if nothing else ... a pure pagan ... maybe even of the Devil ... He had other mission resident ministers (choke) directed to me in order that they might more accurately assess my strange thinking and determine whether an exorcism of some sorts might be in order (that is somewhat tongue in cheek and sarcastic) ... but you get the idea ... Yet Gary and I were friends ... He was really doing what he thought a good Christian should do ... Gary was late for chapel yesterday evening by 10 minutes ... He was written up ... and this morning was dismissed from the mission for seventy-two hours ... He packed all his belongings and I don't know if he will be back or not ... After Gary had his chat with Olin and came out ... I went in and had a seat ... Do you think you are going to be with us for a while? Olin asked ... Well, I think so I replied ... What detail do you have? ... Stainless Steel ... evenings ... How would you feel about having your detail changed? ... Uh .. well ... that would be fine I suppose. ... How would you feel about becoming a desk man? ... Well, I know there has been some talk about it, and I have thought about it for a while ... and I think I can do some good ... Yeah ... I think I can handle it. ... OK then ... I'm going to start you in training to be a desk man ... you'll be covering the 12 midnight to 8 a.m. Shift ... but meet with Ben this afternoon and he'll start getting you trained ... ... OK ... that sounds good ... Uh ... there is one thing ... and this is important to me ... I go to the library on Tuesday and Friday afternoons to connect and chat with a lady in Montana ... this is important to me. ... OK, that's fine, no problem interfering with that. I shook Olin's hand and left ... I gave two thumbs up to the head desk man and thanked Wendall (he had recommended me) ... My sleep schedule may be a little fucked up in the short term, but once a regular schedule is established things should iron themselves out ... and perks will come ... 5-20-10 ... consider something ... take your time ... ponder it a while ... and I suppose this is actually a couple things ... consider recognizing something that is deep in your heart as being as though it already is, even though materially and physically it may yet to be manifest ... and think and live as

though it is manifest ... and your goal is to place yourself in that manifest reality ... It's not the same as fantasizing ... though that may be a good place to start ... but rather shifting your thinking to allow an innate creative aspect of what you are to happen ... even though you may not fully understand all the dynamics of this creative process ... it is still intrinsic to what we are ...

Chapter Five - Deskman

5-20-10 I was not able to write yesterday like I hoped, and today will also be busy ... They started training me to be a desk man ... It is not hard or difficult by any stretch of the imagination, but more hours and responsibility ... and the eventual perks ... Last night I was with Ben Watson, the desk man who wrote up Gary, from 4 p.m. To 12 midnight ... today I had already agreed to cover a friends detail on the truck from 12 noon to 4 or so and will probably be with Ben again tonight or some altered schedule to include some late night baby sitting ... That is what the job will essentially turn out to be ... a glorified night watchman/baby sitter ... besides writing up infringements, checking people in and giving the boot to those who determine they just want to say fuck the system ... shit !!! ... I'm a cop ... I already know that they will eventually schedule me to be on duty Wednesday through Sunday nights midnight to 8 a.m. ... I also know which staff room I will eventually move into ... I will get my other computer up in there ... Internet is still to be worked on ... but there are some possibilities I will be looking into ... depends on whether cash perks can be foreseen ... Regardless I will still be able to get down to the library without a hitch ... The one thing I do not look forward too is the other guy I will share a room with, Charles ... He currently bunks with Don (my former bunkie) and works with him in the laundry ... Don will be moving out of that room and up to the third floor which is reserved for more permanent residents (that is another story) and I will be moving in to Don's current bed ... you following me so far? ... Charles says very little ... I think they matched him up with Don (1) because he has been here a good while, (2) he is quiet and doesn't upset Don, (3) Don can dominate and boss him around and he will not react ... BUT as far as being a person who expresses any kind of personality ... he is like a blank wall ... He watches TV constantly ... I think he reads, but I have serious doubts as to the value of his reading material ... his detail is folding clothes after they are washed and that is virtually all he does ... How he rates a staff room I have NO clue other than it was to have someone in with Don who would not be antagonistic to Don ... I am one of the very few who can get in Don's face and he may initially get pissed but he respects me and he will respond ... 5-21-10 I was on the mission truck half the day yesterday and then continued training from 4-11 last night ... Tonight 4:30 -midnight I will be given the reins, only to be assisted as I ask for it ... Most things should be no problem ... mostly common sense ... and I am finding a lot of patience. As I assisted Ben, with the disruptions that happened I know he was glad I was there ... some I handle without even thinking about his presence ... I was the boss ... others ... because he was in charge and it was his shift, he handled ... Wendall being around was good too ... though he is no genus he has a heart for people and a kind of natural gentle wisdom for working through complex relational conflicts ... I suppose it only took twenty years of prison ... I want to learn more about him ... I will be at the library later today, I'm not sure when I will start my regular midnight to 8 shift, I suspect next Wednesday, but I have been accepted by all to be allowed a pretty much free movement around here now ... I still have to check in and out and only the usual passes, but If I want to join the other desk men on their shifts or assist, I am welcome to hang around with them ... Food perks are the most common thing around here ... I will have to limit and watch myself ... I've lost the weight I want to keep it off ... being on the truck yesterday I acquired a 60 volume set of the Great Books of the Western World set published by the Encyclopedia Britannica ... still in the shrink wrap ... I was told if I wanted it, take it, otherwise it would only be disposed of, which is the case of a 1994 addition of the encyclopedia ... It seems like a lot of waste, but apparently trash to many, and a few treasures I have been wanting a long time ...

5-22-10 Well ... the training is complete ... though there are particulars that I have to pick up on, but that will be acquired as I hangout at the desk with the others during their shifts ... It is kind of an informal internship ... My regular shift will be Wed-Sunday 12 midnight to 8 a.m. the following day... I still have to attend chapels and church and have to follow the same check out rules, but I will have a lot more freedom around the place to go where I want to and bring food to my room and have access to electric for TV or computer ... things regular residents are not allowed ... I can even raid the kitchen if I get hungry and do not have to volunteer when it is called for ... The desk position, though unpaid, does carry a lot more hours and responsibility, but no money (unless someone decides to give you something because they like you or appreciate what you are doing), only perks and inclusion into some of the more detailed and intimate goings on of the mission ... I hung around the desk most of today ... reading and watching ... listening ... and getting to know the others ... Most are pretty decent guys ... but most also have more experience dealing with individuals of what I might describe as of lesser character ... Unfortunately this kind of experience does tend to create a tainted or jaded perspective that may be just as distorted as the more positive and optimistic one I have regarding human potentials ... I do admit though becoming much more cautious and skeptical than I had once been ... 10:00 p.m. I was finishing taking a shower ... a very short ... very cold shower ... water as cold as it's ever been here ... Eddie comes in ... There's a cat fight on the family side. ... Wendall was already in there ... it's his shift, I'll wait and see what he says ... I put on some pants and shirt and saw Wendall had come out to the 2nd floor desk ... I heard there was a cat fight on the family side ... Yeah ... the two Sherwood boys ... Wendall and I talked ... the father won't deal with them, they aren't his kids ... he only cares about his two little girls ... barely ... Mom is not together at all, but she does care ... The older boy was beating up his younger brother ... not playing ... to hurt him ... Wendall initially had been in there laying down the law ... If they didn't stop it he would call Olin and then the police ... The boys would end up in Juvenile Care ... I asked Wendall if it was OK if I went in to see if things had calmed down ... Wendall said he would go with me ... We walked in ... I said nothing ... The other families were sitting watching TV ... Wendall asked Has it calmed down? ... The other adult parents nodded yes ... Wendall and I went back to the boys room where Ariel was sitting with her oldest boy ... Wendall knocked and then pulled back the folding door ... He then started talking more calmly but firmly to the boy ... I stood behind him and to his side lending support ... We left and walked out together ... You're doing OK Wendall I told Wendall ... Ya think so? ... I think so ... Wendall needs to here this more ... He is doing OK ... 5-23-10 It started right after church and lunch ... Ariel Sherwood was raising hell with her husband ... mking such a ruckus that Shane Curman, who had been trying to sleep after working a twelve hour midnight shift, couldn't ... Estella Curman, Shane's wife, came down to the front desk and told Allen of the situation ... meanwhile Shane went out to the smoke pit to smoke a cigarette ... Allen goes up to the family side to assess the situation and deal with the disruption ... Justin, Ariel's husband, is laying on a couch pretending to be asleep ... Allen notices Justin's eyes opening occasionally ... Allen reads the riot act to all present ... Ariel is in another room but is able to hear ... Allen returns to the desk and gets a phone call from Ariel ... she was offended at Allens attitude ... she then makes her way to the smoke pit and attempts reaming new ass-holes on the Curman's and the Edington's, another family from that

side of the mission. Estella comes in and informs Allen of the situation ... Allen immediately determines he needs to call Olin ... and see what he wants him to do ... Olin says he is on his way ... The families start assembling in the lobby ... Allen asked me to stay in the lobby to be his eyes and ears ... All the families are cooperating ... While Allen is attending to something else ... Justin Sherwood attempts to sign out to do something, I don't know what ... I put my hand on the sign out sheet and tell Justin he can not sign out, Olin is on the way and will want to talk to him ... Another family is wanting to go for a walk but asks me if they should stay ...I tell them it is probably best to wait, until Olin does what he needs to do, he may want to speak to all the families... they comply with my request ... While waiting Ariel Sherwood comes in from the smoke pit and goes upstairs ... Shane Curman is in the lobby and beginning to have what appears to be an emotional breakdown and crying ... I talk to him and assure him there is no fault of his and direct him to a seat and his wife attends to him ... I feel myself becoming emotionally engaged ... We let the other family wanting to take a walk go as they wished ... Olin arrives ... has a few words with Allen and opens the door to the conference room and sends Allen to get the entire Sherwood family ... The Sherwood's come down and go into the conference room ... the door is left open, but there is another set of doors separating the desk area from the lobby ... Olin is PISSED ... royally ... the Curman's, Edington's and I are in the lobby and can hear Olin louder and madder than any of us have ever heard him ... They are in there for about fifteen minutes ... The Sherwood's walk out of the room, through the doors into the lobby ... As Ariel walks into the lobby she say to the rest of us Well, that's some more eggshells you've made us have to walk on ... Olin heard her ... He runs ... I mean RUNs ... imaging a man as close to resembling Santa Claus as is ever possible ... red as a beat ... dashing for the door, pulling it open and yelling ARIEL ... WHAT IS IT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? ... What did I just tell you ... YOU were just told what is expected of you ... Do you want put out of here right now? ... Ariel is shrinking ... she appears to be melting ... No ... Well you say one more word and that is exactly what is going to happen ... She turns to the stairs ... her and her family walk up to the family side ... Olin is hanging around in the desk area ... I stay in the lobby with the families ... Olin sounds mad ... he is talking rather loud to Allen ... I can tell he is not mad at Allen ... only going through a cool down period ... he is in there for about twenty minutes ... eventually he is laughing and leaves to go back home ... this is my boss ... I still have to get to know him yet ... but as a desk man I will be hanging out in the desk area a lot ... I did that this weekend ... it's the best way to learn what goes on here and assist as needed ... Later, in line for dinner I was behind the Curman's ... they both thanked me for assisting them earlier ... Shane wanted to apologize for breaking down earlier ... Shane ... don't worry ... I've been there before too ... 5-24-10 I drew my first blood yesterday ... I was hanging around the desk and just before the shift was to change at 4 o'clock, Allen and Wendall were discussing who would take role for chapel at 4 p.m. ... Allen was getting off, Wendall was coming on ... Wendall hates taking role ... the roles sheet gets confusing as it is set up by bunk numbers and is used several times for different role counts before a new sheet is used, making it marked up with scratched out names and checks and bed relocations ... Wendall looked at me and said You want to do this don't you? ... You know get used to it ... learn the ropes ... We were all laughing and I leaned on the counter and replied Yeah ... right ... I want to do this ... gimme that!!! ... I took the clip board, went into the chapel and plopped myself down on the stool at the fronts and to the side where the desk man sits to count heads and recognize faces ... The ministers were already there and getting there things together and residents were trickling in. I started marking those I recognized ... matching daces with names ... trying to get past the scribbling and notes that accumulated on the role sheet ... As I was finding names and faces I didn't recognize I began calling out these names to see who matched what ... I did this several times until I was pretty sure everything was was accounted as it was ... The ministers had started the chapel service and I waited an

extra five minutes to see if any not accounted for made it in ... I went out to the desk and told Wendall that two men were missing and the family with the five kids had not showed up ... He asked me to watch the desk while he went upstairs and roused them out ... As I was waiting one of the missing young men came down,into the office and said he had been in the bathroom, I told him OK, go on in and marked him present ... I few moments later I saw the family going in ... I marked them present ... this left one unaccounted for ... as I was watching out in the lobby I saw a young man I did not recognize, He wandered around ... looked in the chapel buy did not go in ... wandered over and out the door ... I assumed he was one of the public who come in and was not required to be in chapel ... When Wendall returned he said he found none and I went ahead into the chapel ... About 90 minutes later residents were gathering for dinner in the lobby ... dinner was late being served ... I noticed this young man who had been wandering earlier sitting at the end of a pew ... I went up to him and asked him his name ... Ken he told me ... Is that Ken Fields I asked ... Yes he replied ... I motioned with my finger to the desk area and said Could you step in here with me. ... OK ... and we went into the desk area and I said to Wendall ... Here is our Mr. Ken Fields. ... Why weren't you in chapel?Wendall asked him ... Oh, I was in chapel ... ask Leo he replied ... No you weren't I injected, I called your name half a dozen times and you never answered,.You were wandering around outside in the lobby, I was watching you... you never went into chapel... Chris, another long time resident, who had once been a desk man chimed in You weren't in chapel, I was there ... Yes I was ... ask Leo ... You're dismissed Wendall told the young man Get your things and go. ... ... ... As much s Leo likes to quote scripture in chapel, it is pretty well recognized he is a religious con man ... I personally wouldn't trust him to tell me if it was raining ... I think a more reliable attester would have been preferable ... 3:30 p.m. There is one desk man here, Ben Watson, who loves getting residents kicked out for 72 hours discipline ... He says it makes him feel like he us doing his job ... Doremus, the head desk man, Wendall, Allen, Bill Oldman and myself all seem to have a different MO ... We will give an informal friendly reminder of what the rules are ..., I.e. a warning ... and if the warning is not heeded or if there is a blatant violation of something, including sass and attitude problems. We will exercise our authority to the fullest extent, case by case ... And I have the word directly from Olin that he will support and back us up, even if he thinks we are wrong ... but we might get chewed out later ... For the most part, except for Ben, I think Olin has a pretty good team, and the rumor is he is not too pleased with Ben and Ben might be on his way out ... But there are complicating issues ... Ben's brother, Bill, has been a long time resident, employee of the mission, and friend of the powers that be ... so ... there are some relational complications ... Some violations were pointed out to me ... Since these were of a public nature ... I give some friendly reminders ... Most were appreciative ... But one fellow really coped an attitude ... I pointed out that to wear sandals on the first floor it is required that socks also be worn ... I don't particularly agree with the rule, but ... I have to up hold it ... I have worn sandals since the second weeks I was here and have worn socks with them myself ... I very seldom wear anything else unless I leave the building or go on a truck work detail ... I whispered the reminder to him ... Get the hell away from me!!! ... I don't have any socks... Well, you'll have to see about getting some. ... Get the hell away from me!!! ... I stood up ...took a step away and pointed at him and said quite firmly and so any around could hear ... You have been told ... and walked away ... I reported the incident ... Wendall, who was on duty would have dismissed the guy, but he noticed there were a number of the same violations ... He made a public announcement of the requirement to wear socks with sandals ... I noticed this morning at breakfast any who were wearing sandals also were wearing socks ... later in the morning the young man who had told

me to get the hell away apologized to me ... It was obvious he was a bit scared of how I would receive it ... I shook his hand ... and just said OK ... In a few short days I have gone from being an all round general nice guy to becoming an authority figure who shows compassion and will kick ass when I need to ... and I haven't even run my own shift yet ... 5-27-10 This was my first Graveyard shift ... I will be moving to a new room at about 9:00 this morning ... I hope I can sleep later before I have to come on again ... I expect sleeping patterns are going to be screwed up for a while ... I think sometimes the biggest rewards are those we witness in the lives of others who have been influenced by us ... 5-28-10 I have been on duty for about thirty minutes ... I came on 15 minutes early ... I spent most of the morning trying to get some sleep and moving my stuff into the new room ... Barring sleep I got my desktop computer and peripherals out of my pick up and set it up ... It has been almost six months since I was able to use it ... It was like reuniting with an old friend ... everything booted up fine ... I was a little concerned rust or something similar could have affected the hard drives, but it was good ... I couldn't get much sleep ... I did get a couple hours before coming on today but didn't expect too ... it just happened and my cell phone alarm woke me up ... nice to know it does work ... I'm sure I'll pass out later this morning after I get off my shift ... My new room mate is quiet, almost a non-entity, I don't expect any lengthy philosophical discussions ... or discussions of any kind ... I'm not into cartoons ... so I let him have the tube and I have enough on my desktop to occupy myself ... I know I will be able to get another TV ... extras are all over the place ... they are donated regularly ... too many to sell in the thrift stores ... I did get my router hooked up so I have my laptop and desktop networked together wirelessly ... it is good to have that ... I can listen to lectures late at night through my shift if I want too ... It will probably be sometime over the long weekend before I start to figure out my new sleep pattern, but that's cool, I have a lot of liberty around the place now ... just the coming and going is monitored ... One of my lesser than close friends was dismissed yesterday ... He was recently given charge over the kitchen in the evenings ... He had been acting peculiar ... falling off on his duties and sleep habits were inconsistent ... He failed a random drug test ... He had been shooting meth ... Another growing friendship, Kevin Wheeler, took over his position. Kevin is a former felon and has done some hard time ... I know he is also a father and does have a good heart ... He was fired from a job recently because the background check pulled up his felony conviction ... I don't think it is fair at all ... How is one expected to start over, after the required time is done and one is repentant and the system is geared against you to keep you from doing what is necessary to live? ... thank god for Lighthouse missions ... There was a disruption in the kitchen this evening ... The combination of personalities and characters makes for never ending possibilities of conflict ... Ken Atkinsons, a bit overweight, insecure but very intelligent, always injecting an opinion or observation whether wanted or not, but he is good at his detail and can instruct those immediately assisting him ... IF they are of a mind to listen and do as they are instructed ... But Kenny is not good with conflict or situations that require him to deal with those who would contradict or challenge him ... I would also consider him a coward ... and there are few I would actually think this of ... but Kenny is like a little boy at camp wanting his mommy to come and

take him home ... Harry, a more recent resident, but with a reputation of being disagreeable, was assigned duties assisting Ken washing and drying trays and dishes ... Ken has handled overall operation of this responsibility for a couple months ... he knows what needs done and gets it done efficiently ... Harry has his own ideas and these conflict with a system that has worked well, but Harry is more aggressive and assertive, at least, when he thinks he can get away with it. I was out in the smoke pit ... not smoking, just hanging out ... making everyone else nervous with the presence of the new desk man (that is the current joke, though to some, it is serious) ... It was just after dinner ... Ken shows up ... sweating ... in a huff ... bitching and complaining witch is his normal MO when something isn't going the way he thinks it should ... When I initially met Ken I didn't like him, he can still be very winy and always negative ... I usually reject such, but did find he is intelligent ... but it took time ... But Ken was upset with Harry, and Ken felt he needed a cigarette break and an opportunity to dump on anyone who would listen ... The smoke pit is a place where friends drop titles and position and let things out ... Since I have become a desk man Kenn likes to dump things he can not deal with on me ... he tried this ... I stared at him and said, everyone around listening, Just once ... I would like to see some people handle their own problems ... he was silent ... eventually stomped away ... Kevin, who just took charge of the Kitchen today, meandered out to the smoke pit and said he was looking for Ken, who had just took off ... I started to walk back with Kevin and someone asked Where you going Bob? ... OH ... I just want to talk with Kevin, I laughed and we continued on ... We walked by the back of the Kitchen and Ken was no where, Harry was washing dishes and crowing like a rooster ... We walked to the back of the dining hall and could see Ken unloading on the desk man on duty, another friend who has acquired the moniker Mild Bill .... the name speaks for itself though Bill is very fair and capable, soft spoken ... Ken went back to the dish washer and immediately Kevin, myself and the breakfast cook could hear Ken and Harry arguing ... I said I was not going to inject myself into the situation ... I was not going to usurp the authority of the desk man on duty ... but I was going to give Kevin my opinion ... whether he wanted it or not ... Since Kevin was in charge of the kitchen for this time he needed to take control of the situation ... Ken knows what he is doing, gets the job done, well! ... Ken needs to be given charge of those working with him and if they don't like it, then get a desk man involved to met out whatever discipline is necessary ... Kevin went to the kitchen and I went and explained to Bill what I had told Kevin ... Bill was in the process of writing up a report of the situation ... Bill and I went into the dining area and met Kevin ... Bill talked to him ... Kevin had taken charge and the two problem children were doing their respective duties ... Bill added in his report that Kevin had control and nothing further was necessary ... Greg, my former bunkie, and I had a long talk last night, knowing I would be moving out in the morning ... It was one of those bittersweet kind of things ... He is the most intelligent and educated of any I have known here and we have explored many intellectual, spiritual, psychological and metaphysical avenues ... He is currently reading two of the books I have been carting around as reference material I do not want to lose ... Since I have moved out and set up my computer he is a bit jealous as he is a computer programmer and network specialist ... very techie ... But Greg is one of the very few who I have known who actually has ... and has had a grasp of gnosis or gnostic experience ... though he has not explored the implications as deep as I have been ... But the reading I have turned him onto has really been clicking with him and there is no doubt he will explore more even as we go our separate ways ... Greg, and I think as an effect of his higher education, sometimes can come across as arrogant ... superior ... though I do not believe this is his true nature but rather a by-product of cultural conditioning ... While riding the bus the other day Greg was struck by the fact that he has a tendency to judge or pre-judge people based on their appearance ... He was realizing he was very wrong in this sort of attitude ... Relaxing on the bus, it passed a coffee shop he had frequented ... Sitting on a bench out side the shop was an old man, apparently homeless ... Greg looked at him ... as the bus passed the old man looked up at Greg ... smiled .... and motioned with his hand that Greg was welcome

to come and sit with him ... Greg thought ... was this god ... the bus passed too quickly and Greg was in a mental spiral pondering the occurrence ... was this a synchronistic experience? ... should he go back? ... We talked about it before I went on duty last night ... No I told him, You did exactly what you were supposed to do ... He will be looking ... aware ...anticipating more such messages from the universe ... ... still figuring out my sleep patterns, but I have been able to get a couple hours in the morning ... about three or so in the afternoon ... and if I'm lucky maybe one or two in the evening ... just nothing straight through ... but I am surviving and I haven't fallen asleep at the desk ... and don't expect to. It's funny ... I think my new status has inspired a few and quite evidently made a few others jealous and suspicious ... nervous that I will divulge their little secrets and infringements ... But the ones I am closest to know better ... I will start bringing my guitar out to the desk with me so I can keep up my chops ... but not tonight. The only issue I have right now is my roommate ... no problems ... but ... I wonder if this guy even has a mind ... He is quiet ... but all he does is stare at the TV and comb his hair occasionally ... and has the personality of blank wall ... The TV that he watches is exactly the kind of crap that I personally think justifies putting brick through it ... mindless ... But ... there are issues that are arising in the laundry, where he folds clothes (that is his detail) and such that if he fails to measure up could lead to his being evicted from the staff room that he now enjoys ... There simply is no justification for his being in this room ... none ... and there are others acquiring positions and responsibilities that would warrant the reward of a better room and privilege. I expect it won't take all that long for changes to be implemented. Last night, at about 3 a.m. I had to a ssist a resident/friend on the third floor out of his room and down to the second floor. The AC is not working in his room and won't be fixed until after the holiday ... Mike is 52 ... looks like he is well into his sixties ... his lungs only work at about 30 percent ... he still smokes ... and just recently won a Medicade disability claim and is now getting oxygen through a pump as he needs it ... Mike is intelligent ... very ... and he makes sure everyone knows it ... But he is also stubborn ... very ... and not very patient ... But he and I get along well as he respects the way I handle people (especially my ex bunkie Don) and will answer peoples stupidity with a measure of intelligence mixed with raw bawdy humor ... But Mike was in bad shape last night ...having trouble breathing and overheating ... he was afraid he could end up with heat stroke ... I went up to his room, he had me come in ... It was hot ... stuffy ... no air moving except from a fan that didn't seem to help much ... We stepped out of the room and he leaned on a railing for a few minutes ... he was coughing, a lot ... almost choking ... He regained his composure and we went to the second floor desk ... after drying himself with a towel and taking a few minutes to cool down he sat there for about an half hour with me breathing oxygen out of a pump he recently acquired ... he picked up his pillow and pump and walked back to the second floor TV room to sleep on one of the sofa's ... Mike is one who needs more than what the mission can provide ... He needs a nursing home ... He has been married numerous times and from what I understand raised two foster daughters ... but for what ever reason I don't know now finds himself here alone ... no relations ... and I know of no visitors ... Mike is staying in a motel until his AC is working ... --Log Entry 5-30-10 - Bob Cog Couchenour 12-8 1:00 - Donovan Lewis Checkis In --6:05 Ken Atkinson expressed concerns of items missing the last time Donovan Lewis was here 6:15 I questioned Donovan Lewis and informed him of his roommates concern. Told him to make

sure he went to church this morning. End entry --In the past, and I'm not sure exactly how far in the past but not really the very distant past, I had never thought of life as a matter of competition ... It was something to be lived ... not competed. And though I still feel this is still a fundamental truth, I have somewhat come to embrace the concept of competition ... Not as a matter of finding peace or happiness, but of survival and finding ones place in a not so friendly or accommodating world ... I think there must be a balance of sorts, in order not to be consumed with the matters and worries that one has no control over ... And knowing what it is that is ones place and order in the scheme of things ... as they are ... yet aspiring to and striving to what they can be ... and what one can be. I find I am in the competition ... and not so long ago I could care less ... but I am not in the competition to assert myself over another, but rather to simply be who ... what ... I am. And I am finding being inspired and simply being ... I can compete ... and I am winning ... I like what happens around me, not as a matter of my own will or aggression, but being ... living ... being myself ... That is not to imply that I am not aggressive ... I am ... and I assert myself over others ... but this I do not so much for myself and what it gets me ... but as a matter of what is the good for the all concerned ... bringing an order into situations that otherwise are chaos and confusion ... and so providing an atmosphere were all concerned may find their own peace ... Yet there are those who do not care and whose only concern is themselves ... These do not experience peace ... only a heavy hand coming down ... These would turn liberty into license but there is no reality that is antinomian ... And though I might consider myself a social libertarian (do not think politics but social concern with a strong dose of independent attitude) I am pragmatic ... and what I can not change I must accept until the time I evolve to make my own minds vision manifest reality ... but I know it will be ... I can compete ... and I am winning ... simply ... being me ... I find I am a part of an exclusive clique ... not really a bad thing as cliques are often thought but as a desk man one of the few who carries the authority and power affect the lives of others in either positive or negative ways ... and as a part of this clique a new set of informal rules and expectations are imposed upon me that I was not expecting but have no trouble adhering too ... not as long as the general attitude and desire of my compatriots is to fairly administer their authority to the benefit of those they have charge over ... I have heard stories of what has occurred in the past and the free reign that some have taken in the mission ... I do not involve myself in social games for the purpose of consolidating my own position ... I.e. I don't kiss a whole lot of ass ... but I am obedient to those in authority over me ... (for the most part) ... And as concerns the living situations of the residents there are few who are actually over me ... The Toms (the owners) ... Olin (men and family coordinator) ... Doremus (head desk man) ... and these, particularly Olin and Doremus are my only boss's ... and they have expressed their confidence in me ... I am an equal among the other desk men ... about 5 of us ... and a few other unpaid staff with their own areas of responsibility, but it is the desk men who maintain the order and smooth operation when things actually need addressed concerning relations between residents, staff and the mission. Doremus Jessup ... head desk man ... he appears to be in his mid thirties, maybe close to forty ... most are all are young to me, though the rough life of some have aged them considerably ... Doremus has been here for about a year and a half ... I know little about him other than he had an alcohol problem ... he is a deacon in the church he is a part of ... strikes me as being very military, although I do not know if he has served, I would not doubt it at all. He strikes me as officer material ... He is very much to himself ... quiet and firm ... almost offensive in his austere demeanor, although I have witnessed a warmer side of his personality, he keeps it under wraps for the most part ... He is also very religious,

but ... I tend to think this religious persona is something acquired as he has been dealing with his alcoholism ... I think he is actually much deeper spiritually than he even realizes himself, but the religious nature of Christianity may actually be a hindrance to his understanding and realizing the depths that are his innate nature ... Doremus does not eat with the rest of the residents and staff ... He has a tray brought to him when he is on duty, and when he is off duty he stays in his own room or goes out to eat. Yesterday, Saturday, I was having lunch with a former desk man, Chris Jordan, a seven foot tall giant ... Doremus went through the serving line and sat down with us ... This was a first ... Chris was obviously surprised, he has been here for almost three years and the shock of Doremus in the dining hall sitting with others left him with a look I could not avoid noticing ... We talked about things that would mutually concern those responsible overseeing the mission operation ... Though Doremus and I do not know each other well, he has shown a kind of difference to me, like a trust and a desire to know more ... I kind of think he thinks of me as the wise old man ... I know he is impressed with the CDs I have made and the fact that I have written a book challenging Christian leadership ... I think the fact that I appear rebellious, brandish tats and long hair, and yet adhere to the (outer) forms and rules as required gives him reason to want to know more ... I have been trying to get my sleep pattern worked out ...it might take a while ... I have been able to start listening to the college lectures I have collected ... My eyes are too heavy and tired to read so listening to lectures works while I rest my eyes ... I am listening to a 48 lecture 24 hour series called Great Ideas of Psychology right now ... I have missed being able to do this ... After tonight I will be off for two days ... Probably sleep most of the day tomorrow ... or watch Ma and Pa Kettle movies all day with a few friends in the TV room ... Kind of simple ... but we are friends ... and this is the closest thing to home we have ... I think I am going to have to become more secretive with some of my friends here. I.e. My ex-bunkie and some I had been communicating to ... As we had shared much of our lives bunking and hanging together, since I have now the opportunity to set up my computer and use some of the resources that I had accumulated over the years, and since I have become a desk man, there is an assumed privilege they seem to think is theirs ... it is not. This is something that extends well beyond the matter of my possessions but also into the assumption of rights to take advantage of my position. It is unfortunate, but as attempts to take this advantage are made I will without hesitation turn into an ass hole regarding those who I have come to regard as less than reliable or sticking their noses into things that do not concern them. I am realizing that I have a great deal that is valuable to others ... in many regards .... much of it is stored on my computers ... There are things I write ... some personal ... and some of what might be considered revealing of many things ... about the mission ... and what I have written about others ... And friends, with some computer saavy and expertise are the last ones I want having access to my computer ... Sorry Greg ... When I need your help, I will ask for it ... I'm afraid I had to be rather assertive in turning down the offer of his help when he assumed I was having a networking problem ... I was not ... he wanted to look ... I shut him down ... Now he is offended ... he'll have to grow up and get over it ... 6-1-10 I'm finally getting this computer setup to where I can use some of the things that I've wanted to for about six months ... like dictating ... of course I will be limited as to when I can actually do it, like when my roommate is doing is detail and not around. This does simplify things a great deal. I even went out and purchased a new headset microphone because the other was cutting out on the headphones all the time. I did finally get some good sleep last night and I will be off until Wednesday midnight but I'm sure I will be hanging around the desk to pick up as much as I can. My new status has

definitely separated me from the many who I had already considered to be little more than constant complainers and bitchers ... and of course those who are jealous that I am able to use my resources and exercise some liberties that are not generally allowed. Yet there are a few who see by my example that they do not have to compromise that which is fundamental to who they are and yet submit where it is necessary and realize at least a limited amount of greater freedom. I listen closely to others, others who are privy to information that has not been disclosed to me personally but could turn out to be valuable if it proves to be accurate. ****Most of this is information that needs to be verified and confirmed but it does put a new slant on to who is in control of the mission and what may be happening under the surface leading to possible implementation of a new order ... as I say all this needs to be confirmed ... As in most organizations and institutions there are both formal and informal power structures. To a great extent the formal power structure may not be what most of the residents suspect it to be ... we're only privy to the lower end PTB and the informal. My suspicions lead me to think that possibly the formal power structure is attempting to revamp or get a greater control over the operation of the mission which has been lost over time. In a small way I can see where some of my personal differences with those who are a part of the informal power structure may involve me in conflicts that are necessary ... but I'm not looking for a flight ... but don't intend to back away from one if it happens ... I have already proved I can be a hard ass ... and I really don't have a whole lot to lose. ***** 6-3-10 I have a few friends here ... one very faithful and loyal, but not very intellectual, a couple intellectual, but not that intimate, a few, very few, growing in friendship with and too soon to know how they will pan out in the long haul... I have no friends that have remained over the years, though I admit, changes in my life and moves I have made have not been such that would be conducive to lasting friendships, and I am lousy at connecting with those from my past ... Small changes around the mission ... but some that will have a lasting effect ... The desk man who had a bit of an attitude problem has been given another job with maintenance ... He still likes to act like he owns the place, but he has no authority, and if we so choose, and I'm sure I will, I can tell him where to get off and shove it ... This leaves a pretty decent crew on the desk ... We still have to be hard asses sometimes, but at least I think we are fair, and our goal is not to get residents kicked out ... I watched a Grateful Dead concert DVD before coming on shift tonight ... I have to realize the chances of me ever gathering a group of such comparable musicians is a virtual pipe dream ... Not that I will ever stop playing, but to realize a group of half a dozen mutually committed and talented musicians sharing the same vision is not something that happens without a lot of years invested together ... that is time I had spent in the past and can not be regained ... But I am more than a musician ... and this is the product of my mind ... and skills that have been developing even as I was unaware ... And these are things that are not dependent upon a group or a band ... they are intrinsic to who I am ... and are ever the more developing as I follow what it is I recognize in front of me ... Around 9:30 PM I spend a lot of time just hanging around the desk area ..it beats being in my room with my roommate watching cartoons ... I think we have said less than 25 or 50 words to each other since I have moved in here ... at least he's quiet ... but with absolutely no life, if he is not on his detail, he is virtually always around in the room ... weird is all I can say ... and no one here has been able to figure him out ... But I do listen to things using my headphones, and when he is not here I can dictate or record ... but ... it

would be nice to have someone who does have some communication skills ... But hanging at the front desk, observing, helping where I can, reading when things are slow. getting to know the others with some interest in the functioning of the mission, is time well spent .. better than doing nothing or isolating myself. A couple ex-cons checked in this evening ... one white ... one black ... The white fellow's family came by for about a half hour around bed check time and I sat behind the desk while they had ice cream together and eventually had to go so we could lock up. His wife (maybe his ex, I don't know) brought his two sons, one about 12 and the other about 6 ... They had not seen each other for several months ... he had told his youngest son he was working while he was in prison ... The older boy I'm sure knew the truth ... But I was feeling for them all ... He loved them and they the boys obviously loved their dad. His wife was very understanding if not necessarily affectionate. I remembered and felt for my youngest boys ... but I have nothing ... By all social norms and standards I am a failure. The things I had believed were intrinsic to and of the highest value to what I understood as Christian faith turn out to be the things that are actually disdained because they do not conform to the lowest common denominator of religious compliance ... Religious values are not necessarily spiritual values, and there are lesser and higher degrees of insight and depth of understanding. And a religious veneer, though socially normative and desirable in order to get the better of, in reality, to the visionary, the dreamer, the creator of things that are not until mind and heart and desire are engaged and given the liberty to be what they are, becomes the fetters, bars and chains, imprisoning and suppressing ... a piss soaked mattress ... a smothering stench ... choking out life ... In me I know there is more ... better ... I must live it ... be it ... to in time ... set my children free ... I am judged selfish ... thinking only of myself ... and sometimes I believe it ... then I see the prisons of those around me ... and I am reminded ... freedom is a never ending struggle ... and cultural forms are not the measure of what this is ... But it is the ones who have hung on the cross who have actually experienced the taste of freedom ... What makes me different from convicts and felons? ... nothing ... What makes me different from the socially conventional? ... everything ... I am free ... I can think ... I will not surrender this ... I miss my children ... my boys ... 6-4-10 I realize I have many faults ... faults that I have no remedy for ... things that will leave me judged as irresponsible, maybe even thought of as deserting my former family, though I do not in the least believe that is the case ... I changed ... My thinking changed ... it evolved ... and though I remained and would not of my own choice leave, those around me, my ex, my older children, could not comprehend these changes in my thinking ... I was becoming free to think and believe things that were always in me ... true to me ... I made decisions that affected the material lifestyle of my family ... I came to realize that the values that were being instilled into my children, were not mine, but the values of a religious amalgamation of suburban materialism, pseudo-spirituality and the politics of self interest ... What I had rebelled against in my youth I was realizing I had compromised into and now had become the norm of our family values ... Not that I embraced them ... but I had compromised ... I had allowed the social peer pressure associated with the religious system, which I had hoped transcended the nominal (I was wrong), to influence and progressively control my life and determine values, which I could not adequately express to the contrary, of my family. ... I grew ... and as I grew ... I became alienated from my wife and the children we had raised ... I was the one who changed ... OR ... probably more to the fact ... became true to myself ... and less to what the system and everyone else wanted me to be ... I'm not sure it matters, all the incidentals that were occurring that complicated the situation, ... I was becoming isolated ... there was virtually no communications between my ex and myself ... The older kids had their own lives to live and their own issues with their mother and I as to how they were raised ... I suppose that is normal ... I had issues with the extra kids my wife would take in and in a very real

sense dislocating our own children ... Our family life was disintegrating ... I was a stranger in my own home ... my wife started sleeping on the couch and refused to share the same bed with me ... and I was naive enough to believe there was still hope ... I was wrong ... and I eventually bore the brunt of my every fault for thirty-two years ... I was now expendable ... ... ... I keep wondering, what would I have done differently ... I don't know ... except ... I should have remained true to what I innately believed so many years earlier instead of second guessing myself and trusting the others ... religious leaders ... politicians ... and even parents knew better as to what constitutes the good life or what is the way it should be lived ... I should have remained true to myself ... but then again ... I didn't know myself ... or had been convinced that I didn't ... maybe I did ... I do now ... and have no desire to go back ... to pretend ... sure, things behind me are a mess ... thirty-two years wound up crashed and burned ... There is no going back to what is now my past ... 5-7-10 From my official log entries June 6 6:00 AM - Property Check OK Bill Watson reported short bald man wandering on the third floor, I policed the entire building found nothing out of order * 6:30 AM - Lights on Moved downstairs - Unlocked doors 6:30 AM - Hanging up keys Keys to white truck missing not in box 7:00 AM - Michael Gerdner entered building through the drive through at 6:00 I told him to use the side door from now on and he was to follow the 2nd floor rules (Greg Puckett, Bob Carley, and Bill Watson were at the drive through when he came in) ** 7:25 AM - I was informed the white truck is in for repairs These are a few extracts from yesterday ... * I have my suspicions who the short bald man is ... I had written about him before, Ken Atkinson ... he is a bit of a weasel ... I think he is very insecure and thinks everyone is out to screw him, thus he he operates in order to get over on others first and see what he can get away with ... Before I became a desk man I used to listen to his gripes, but did not judge or argue with him, I think he perceived my lack of debate as an implicit agreement ... it wasn't ... but arguing issues wasn't worth my time and aggravation ... Now, in a position of authority I have had to get on his ass about taking care of his own problems, although I have supported him through advice I have given to others with responsibilities over him ... but these are some things he is not aware of ... and there are others besides him that I must take into account and consider their interests ... But ... if I catch him trying to pull any of his sneaky shit I will nail his ass to the wall ... ** Michael Gerdner is working at the mission doing community service in order to graduate ... He is apparently a former mission resident, Wendall and a few others know who he is ... There was an official memo posted regarding requiring Michael to adhere to the mission rules ... I don't think he liked being told about this ... but I did lay down the law to him and told him what is expected ... I also told the guys not to let him in through back entrances ... ... funny ... mild mannered quiet submissive Bob is flexing some muscles a few didn't realize were there ... and these former overseers of mine are paying attention and listening ... I think they realize I don't play games and mean what I say ... about 11:00 AM The Rudiger family is missing ... They signed out for a two hour pass to go to the park and for a walk yesterday at about 2:00 PM ... at 4:00 PM they were not at chapel ... at bed check at 9:00 PM they were nowhere to be found. ... Young family, husband and wife, and five children all under the age of eight.

They have been here for about two or three weeks and by anyone's account you would have been impressed by the way they handled their children and kept them in line. Amy, the mother, I must admit I found particularly impressive as she herded the kids around and did what it is that mothers do. I'm not really sure if families pulling out like this is usual, I know I have never noticed a family disappearing like this, with no word, or indication of other plans or specific problems. I do know it apeared to me that Amy was putting on a religious front. Shortly after they arrived she asked if it was OK to take one of the bible's out of the chapel for her own use. She was told this would be fine and I had let her into the chapel to find one and after noticing it was taking for some time I looked in and saw she was trying to figure out the difference between two versions. A King James version and the New International Version, I told her the NIV would be easier to understand. Not long after she was quoting scriptures in chapel services and reciting with the confidence and obvious educational level that was far above the norm to be expected here. But I do admit that I suspected that this new found religious interest was more a matter of a survival tactic to get on in the midst of a very uncomfortable environment. Her husband, Thomas, was a likable guy but not the parental disciplinarian that Amy was. He works some regular details but they had not been here long enough to become established. When I came on my shift last night and was told that they had not been around since early afternoon I went to the family side and checked their rooms to make sure they had not returned and found the beds unmade and bags of what appeared to be their clothes on the floor. During my regular property check I noticed that the kids bikes were not parked where they usually are. I can only suspect that they had plans to be moving on and obviously felt no obligation to inform the mission staff of what these were. Ariel Sherwood's great uncle and cousin from Arkansas showed up yesterday afternoon. They took the two Sherwood boys back to Arkansas with them. There they have a farm and seventeen horses and other livestock. Her great uncle was elderly, in his late sixties I think, and her cousin was a lovely woman of 32. Before the Sherwood's came down they asked me about the boys and I told them they are boys , by this implying they needed some structure and discipline and though I didn't say it the thought of a beautiful woman to inspire young boys does have a certain magical charm ... Great Uncle and cousin have their doubts whether they can do anything more for Ariel and the rest of the family. They are aware of Ariel's condition and simply do not have the resources to do more than they are. 7:30 PM I came back from a walk to a convenience store and stop at the park with friends ... Sleep is trying to catch up to me, I left my friends at the park ... Charles is watching a local TV station, Entertainment Tonight, well ... it is better than some of his choices ... The show ends and he picks up his tooth brush and leaves the room ... I grab the remote and flick through the channels ... nothing ... nothing worth watching ... at least nothing that would interest both of us ... I hand the remote to Charles and tell him Find what you want ... I should have known ... He flips it back a few channels ... Nick ... Sponge Bob ... Shit ... I guess I'll put on my headphones and listen to more of my psyche lectures ... second time through ... at least I do get something out of them ... not too bad to go to sleep to ... too ... 9:45 PM Charles is watchin' wrastling ... I have my headphones on and have been re-exploring things I have collected from the past ... a couple hours of lectures ... that gets old ... but I have a hell of a lot of music ... lots of independent stuff ... virtually every genre ... and then there is the bluegrass that I collected while I was living in Gettysburg ... 6-8-10

I am probably a pretty rebellious guy ... Yet ... I understand authority ... and obedience ... It would seem there is no getting away from it ... one way or the other. I'm not sure I like either, though having authority is certainly a lot more desirable. But in exercising authority another must obey ... and depending on how the authority is exercised obedience can be a matter of willing submission or resented imposition. I am convinced ... the only one able to exercise true authority is the one who has experienced and learned the nature of obedience. Without this, authority is a hammer pounding iron into the desired form ... but having been hammered and formed a finely crafted sword commands attention and obedience simply being what it is. And when it is understood that this sword is for the benefit and welfare of all it has authority over, bigger hammers are seldom necessary ... I have authority ... and I am under authority ... I am required to exercise the wishes of those to whom I must submit too ... and sometimes that really sucks ... I must carryout directives of those above me, when I think they are wrong ... or too far removed from the facts of what actually is ... Yet ... sometimes they are right ... and their longer and more experience makes sense ... considering I might not be privy to the greater understanding of those above me ... But if those to whom I submit are willing to listen to and consider my insight and perspective, even though they may not follow my design, I have had input and influence ... and if I continue to make sense can continue to have greater influence. It's either that, or go the full out right rebellion route ... and who knows what you can end up with then ... 6-9-10 I have been called a philosopher ... by many ... though to think of myself as such has not been particularly comfortable. It strikes me to think of myself this way as truly arrogant ... but that should not surprise me ... I have also been thought of as arrogant ... but that is usually by those with minds they have ceased to use ... I used to worry about it ... not any more ... though I admit being concerned with what others think is a hard habit to break ... But I am coming to realize that if I am a philosopher, and I already know I am (most are but don't think about it or think too little for it to be of any perceptible use), than make the most of it ... and that means exercising skills and talents that I have developed but have been insecure about. Lack of formal education is a real impediment ... Lack of any real encouragement falls not far behind. I didn't know what to think of myself ... Sure ... I play a pretty good guitar ... but self will does not create the environment around me, the association of comparable musicians in intent and talent, or the connections and requisite others who recognize and believe to the point of investing themselves, their time, their skills and talents agents and managers. Then again I have always been more than a musician ... and my mind has never ceased thinking ... learning ... This I have found, in relation to virtually all relationships and associations is also an impediment ... I think it makes others uncomfortable ... Not that I flaunt my understanding ... but there is more often than not insight that transcends what most have been willing to invest their time in thinking about ... I am an arrogant son-of-a-bitch ... and I have stopped caring what others think ... Though... in fact ... I do ... But compromising my mind and my ability to think and grow seems to high a price to pay to simply get along ... ... fear of me ... and I have never understood why? This includes members of my prior family ... Though I was the disciplinarian, and occasionally lost my temper (that was not a norm), sometimes kids would push both their mother and I as far as they could, I do not believe I was ever mean hearted ... Though I did try to be firm, I never struck my children or their mother (I can not think of her as my wife, though she was). As I began to follow my own dream the memories I have of them are of my eldest daughter telling me You scare us, my second son the one who recently got married sending me a message on MySpace telling me of the failure I

had been as a father and everything else I did, receiving phone calls from my two daughters calling me at work, each one saying I wish you were dead and I hope you die, and the ex arguing with me shortly before she demanded that I leave Why do you have to be right all the time ... I can be hard headed, but I don't think that counts. And generally I maintained most relations both work and social rather diplomatically ... I was a negotiator ... a mediator ... a problem solver ... managing employees and customers ... over worked and over stressed ... I have never had drinking or drug problems (not since my pre-marriage youth, and that ended in 1974) ... It is like standing on a precipice ... gazing into a void ... the edge of despair ... the abyss ... and I do not like the me who might survive ... I see me ... an empty shell ... devoid of life and feeling ... nothing ... no one ... I find myself in the middle of a complex tangle of relationships regarding egos who presume their position and authority (though none actually exists) and official middle level powers that recognize the problem but are of their own unable to rest control that over time had been lost ... or at least displaced. Though I am not of any high authority, it would appear I may well be instrumental in facing down longer term personalities who assume positions that are not theirs. And in the interim communicating my own perspectives and perceptions. What is amusing, at least to me, there is no talk of religion or ideology, only what is necessary to the overall operation of the mission ... who are the residents who can be trusted ... doing their jobs and details ... obeying the rules ... who has an attitude that affects the rest negatively ... and I am listened to ... like I told Olin this morning It's just like raising kids ... and we laughed ... I am in my room right now and Charles is flipping through channels ... I do have to give him credit though, he does have some decent taste in music ... The past two niights we watched Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood and then the Moody Blues ... so ... ... But it is much more private at the desk after midnight ... I do have to watch for the occasional sneak ... but I'm learning their MO's ... I didn't work last night but Ariel Sherwood snuck downstairs and was told to get her ass back where she belonged ... This morning a young black man who had been in here twice for short periods in the last two weeks was caught sleeping in a closed ladies bathroom early this morning ... He came back late this afternoon to take a shower ... I was asked to escort him to and from the second floor showers and make sure he didn't detour from where he was allowed ... He had to wait for towels and it took him over an hour ... it wasn't his fault but once he did get towels I eventually got on his case to speed it up ... I wasn't going to miss dinner for his shower ... He is denied lodging for 30 days ... Sorry ... but he is one who wants to take advantage of the good natured generosity of others and doesn't want to share the responsibilities and details of making it work or be responsible for himself ... That pisses me off ... 6-10-10 I have almost intentionally set up an upcoming circumstance that could lead to my personal confrontation with a third floor resident who once welded a certain influence and power around here ... I say almost intentionally because I really am not looking for a fight but won't back away from one either ... And I certainly do not expect a physical confrontation, but rather a matter of flexing wills and seeing who will back down or garner the support of those higher up, thus breaking the back of an informal power structure that exists or continuing under a status quo that is inefficient, insensitive to the residents, mildly corrupt and out of the control of the people who ultimately run this place. I don't know what is going to happen, but I have been communicating with the head desk man, and have been getting a good feel for the general thoughts of Olin regarding former assistants and desk men. A long time resident and former assistant, Bill Watson, does not like the idea of certain residents being given privileges as I and others in authority think they have been earned and are trusted ... Bill's usual MO is

to apply pressure on Doremus (the head desk man) and Olin and exert his influence by stirring up a lot of dust and making noise ... Bill's brother, Ben, is the desk man who trained me ... Ben is no longer a desk man ... he has an attitude that wants to purposely look for and punish residents for the most minor infractions ... Olin does not like Ben ... as a matter of fact he referred to Ben as a moron today ... I believe purposely so I could hear ... This is significant ... Olin usually plays his cards close and won't reveal what he is thinking unless he has confidence in you ... I will be allowing a particular trusted resident into areas that are normally restricted in the morning ... Bill Watson doesn't like this ... It means he is losing control and things are changing that are not to his advantage ... He and his brother Ben have a history of laying claim to donations that they think they can profit off of ... this may very likely be coming to an end ... and everyone sees it coming ... but ... it takes an impartial outside expendable somebody to set up a situation that puts things into play ... I think it is a matter that the mission needs to avoid the embarrassment of a public scandal ... through the day, though Bill is spouting his knowledge of the rules, there is nothing to warrant a confrontation ... yet ... but then ... no one is paying attention to Bill ... just so much noise ... 6-12-10 I have been on duty for an hour and a half ... musing over something Bill, the evening desk man just told me ... He gave a bed to a Michael Gerdner for the night ... I wrote last week about a confrontation I had with Michael ... Here is my log entry from last week and what I wrote then: 7:00 AM - Michael Gerdner entered building through the drive through at 6:00 I told him to use the side door from now on and he was to follow the 2nd floor rules (Greg Puckett, Bob Carley, and Bill Watson were at the drive through when he came in) ** ** Michael Gerdner is working at the mission doing community service in order to graduate ... He is apparently a former mission resident, Wendall and a few others know who he is ... There was an official memo posted regarding requiring Michael to adhere to the mission rules ... I don't think he liked being told about this ... but I did lay down the law to him and told him what is expected ... I also told the guys not to let him in through back entrances ... ... Michael showed up here at 11:15 tonight to do community service here tomorrow ... Bill let him have a bed ... and Michael requested a wake up call for 5:00 AM so he could work with the morning cook ... He then asked if Bill would be on duty at that time .... Bill informed him that I (Bob) would be on duty ... At that point Michael asked if that was the guy with the I AM THE LORDS tattoo ... Bill told him yes it is ... at that point Michael said Never mind ... According to Bill, Michael is scared of me ... Bill seems to think Michael is a high strung rich kid who got in trouble and his parents are making him do his community service at the mission ... Now ... Bill did not make Michael go through the usual paper work that is required to get a bed here (overnight or otherwise), Bill may get chewed out for this on Monday ... and it is true, I would have made Michael fill out the paper work before giving him a bed ... But, I think it is funny that I made such an impression on Michael ... and one I'm glad he has ... I think those who really know me realize I am probably one of the most gentle souls here ... though ... it is also true ... I will stand up for myself ... and others when I need to ... But I don't think I'm the bad ass ... But long hair, beard and tattoos do serve a purpose and send a message ... and a clear eyed focus into the eyes of others can be intimidating ... I ain't got nothing to hide ... 1:45 PM I slept for a couple hours this morning ... so much my life seems to be dictated by catching whatever

sleep I can, when I can. Couple hours here ... punctuated by hours in a daze ... mind not really rested enough to be of much use or able to string together and make some logical comprehension of what it is I would like to read. And though I do spend considerable hours listening to college level lectures they do not compensate for the time and feeling of being alone. Though friends exist a sense of shallowness and fleeting uncertainties and undependability is the most constant reality. I sit in the presence of others most of whom have dreams and visions hopes and desires being someplace else and wishes to obtain jobs and employment wherewith they might realize these. I have no such hope and desire. I sit in a mission front desk and area, couch and chairs and a few acquaintances, none of any sort of depth or intimate relation, and I realize and state this is my living room, to which I am told you need to get a life. But this has become my life, and the life I would hope for, that I dream of, I cannot yet have. It is not that I do not have hopes and desires but I've found these cannot be my own alone. There are such that can only be shared with another, and this other, who I know, and want to know better, must want and desire the same. So I sit, and I'll wait, hoping, believing, desiring, wanting ... Trust and confidence, life will go on ... Yet it is not simply a matter of stoic surrender to face without adequate compensation, but taking pleasure in the gift that is ... From yesterday mornings log: 6:30 Lights On Moved downstairs Unlocked doors 7:00 Breakfast served Property Check OK 7:10 Non-Resident sleeping on bench by 1st floor Rest Rooms Rousted him up with some difficulty -Made him get up He went in to eat breakfast - Caught him using ladies room (7:25) made him leave the premises Black man Name Willie Smell of alcohol 8:00 Off Duty Maybe I'm weird, but dealing with these kind of incidents is what makes this job interesting ... Willie must have come in and avoided detection soon after I unlocked the side door that the residents use to go in and out ... the race to the smoke pit at 6:30 is a daily tradition ... But after breakfast was announced I was informed of this fellow sleeping on the bench (out of sight of the security camera) ... I went over and he was fast asleep ... I tapped on one side of the bench and then the other ... Hey ... wake up ... this is no place to sleep ... nothing ... I tapped harder on the armrest closest to his head ... Get up man ... this is not for sleeping ... I did this several times ... he eventually started to show some life ... he looked at his cell phone ... closed his eyes ... Hey man ... you need to get up ... or I'll have to make you get up ... I tapped hard on the arm rest with my flashlight to make sure he heard ... he looked at his cell phone ... I caught his eye ... he was moving like molasses ... Get up ... He started to sit up ... I could smell the booze ... he was wearing slippers ... He looked at me like he wasn't sure whether he wanted to hit me or not ... I thought the y served breakfast here he asked ... They do ... in there ... you're late I replied ... He moseyed toward the dining hall door ... You have ten minutes ... breakfast is over at 7:20 I yelled across the lobby ... At 7:25 I decided I better check to make sure this character was out of the dining hall ... he was nowhere to be seen ... I remembered a guy who was caught sleeping in the ladies room last week ... I better check here ... The light was on in the ladies room toilet areas ... this was not right ... this bathroom is kept closed due to toilets out of order ... I walked into the ladies lounge and shouted through the door Who's in there ... ... Willie was the reply ... I walked in to the toilets and saw two feet behind the stall door ... Come on out Willie ... what are you doing in here ... This rest room is closed. He flushed the toilet and opened the door. Last year they were using this ... I pointed to the Out of Order sign on the door ... He mumbled something ... You're going to have to leave ... He was stumbling and starting to become belligerent ... I watched as he went out the side door ...

6-14-10 There is one thing I am certain of ... I am not a nihilist ... Though it sometimes seems difficult to substantiate my reasons for believing ... time and changing circumstance validates these ... Of course, this does not mean any sort of Pollyannaish blind optimism or faith in things I have no confidence in ... or things someone simply tells me are so because they read it and interpret it so ... but that which I truly find in my heart, I give myself to, and these often against the grain of my immediate contemporaries ... These contemporaries being both the religious and the secularists ... I am my own religion ... my own faith ... I have no defined god, except as I experience what it is that can only be explained as the divine through me ... I respect the ancient accounts of recorded experience but do not allow another's interpretations of these to define for me what they ultimately mean ... I have a brain and I use my own mind ... I allow no other to play in this my domain my sand box ... I may listen to an extent as long as sense is made, but not a sense that is obviously built on and made to establish a particular bias ... reason must be allowed its own liberty to diverge from that which is the established orthodoxy if we are to truly permit and understand what it is that genuinely is the divine ... And it is this understanding and experience of the divine that I allow myself to explore and follow ... Maybe it is part of the evolution of the mind and spirit that ultimately culminates in the evolution of the entirety of the human being ... I don't try to think that big ... or over speculate ... I am primarily interested in what affects me ... and the evolution of the rest is something left to a grander mind than mine ... I know what I feel ... what I desire ... and I know what I must do to apply myself to these ... And if it takes the divine in me, through me, to realize these, that is enough for me ... All others must find their own source of life ... though those who observe and ask, I will try to communicate my experience as best I can. Wisdom is an art and not an exact science ... Life can not be reduced down to a set of laws and platitudes ... absolutes are more often than not arbitrary preferences ... some serving the collective whole better than others ... some merely inhibiting the free exercise and experience of human potential ... Life at the mission: I feel like I am living in what seems a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western ... waiting for a showdown that everyone knows will eventually come ... but the players must slowly, carefully negotiate their positions ... measuring up just what it is that is to be confronted and contended with and wait for the other to make the first, fateful move ... And I wonder, Am I the only one able to recognize the Good, the Bad and the Ugly? ... now this is drama ... don't try to force it ... relax, and let it happen ... 6-15-10 I see many come through the mission, friends, adults ... people I would think would understand ... have a deeper insight into the dynamics of life ... but it amazes me how little focus of mind and intention actually under girds what it is they think they want. And so are driven by passing whims and tossing the dice living life like a crap shoot. I myself when left with no other choice have had to toss those dice ... but this is not something I have preferred. I have a few intentions ... and to these I try to give maximum focus and attention ... Who I am is expressed through these ... they are not who I am but they express who I am ... and none of them is complete , they only touch aspects ... windows into my being that cannot be restrained or confined ... but only explored and expanded upon. But I control these and I give them direction and if all options offered do not conform with the basics and the underlying understanding I have of my desires and my bliss, all such options are distractions. But if these are found to be fundamental and intrinsic to my inmate being, as I understand myself, whatever that may be at the time, they are embraced and taken to heart, accepted, followed., and integrated ... I

am not driven by the need for a job for work or money ... but these are only tools to be used as they are required along the path to fulfilling what it is that I am as I strive to know myself better and in relation to those who have found a place in my heart. What is the purpose of a life? For me it is to love my lady ... find my joy and happiness with her ... to grow with her ... to explore her as she explores me ... to support her as she supports me ... than never to dominate or define what that relationship must be ... but rather to flow with it ... and give to my lover what is most necessary to complete their life and to receive back the same. All this in the context of facing all the complexities that is human nature strengths and flaws commonalities and differences ... yet drawn to each other by a psychospiritual dynamic that may be as near to impossible to express as it is to understand or comprehend ... only accepted because it is ... 6-17-10 My desktop computer took a dunk on me ... Damn ... I shut-it down and disconnected the plug the other day because some thunderstorms were coming through ... I hoped to keep it safe .... It shut down properly ... but now it will not start up ... I don't know what the problem is ... It may take some time to figure that out ... I just hope it isn't a fried motherboard ... oh well ... 6-18-10 It has been an eventful week ... a number of my friends have moved out ... not all necessarily on to better prospects, but rather just other places that hopefully offer something that is not available here ... It is hard to say just what that is ... I'm not sure any really know ... just something different. I only know that this is as comfortable and reasonable a place to develop ... from myself ... into myself ... as I might find any other place ... It is not everything I might wish it to be ... but is there such a place? ... New friends are developing ... friends that do not occur in the short term ... amongst some longer term residents and staff who need the proof of time ... time to give ones character the requisite period to be exercised and experienced ... And though the dominating context of what governs our collective relationships is to my mind hyper religious and pseudo-Christian, if one can adapt to rules that may seem oppressive to some, relationships transcending these and the religious aspects is more than possible, and actually natural ... But it does mean adaptation ... and not necessarily compromise of ones personal spiritual perceptions. As a matter of fact, as friendships are given the natural opportunity to develop, openness to ones seeming peculiarities might be expected to be realized ... not because of ones own efforts to open another's mind, but as positive character attributes are recognized curiosity about ones thought processes is to be expected ... But openness is something that can not be forced or demanded ... only recognized and made the most of ... But it can be abused and injured, causing a hardening of a once receptive spiritual sensitivity. Thus no spiritual work can be that of a dogmatic intellectualism, strictly a matter of debate and argument focused on the reasoned and logical realigning of another's thinking, but must be patient... virtually hands off ... and sensitive to the innate spiritual capacity of the recipient ... This is almost always only accomplished where psychological walls of distrust and apprehension have been either breached or demolished. It can not be manipulated, but as one desires to grow, spiritual dynamics can be learned and exercised to greater sensitivity and effectiveness ... This process is most effective as we are able to experience the full range of what is the dynamics of human communications and interaction ... responding to the subtleties of expression ... eye contact ... facial expression ... body language ... voice intonation. I believe that only the most desirous and attentive can experience the process of spiritual interaction through the written word ... and that only with a great deal of struggle ... patience ... and fortitude ... and maybe even hard headedness ... seemingly endowed from or attributed to some divine force ... And this not defined by any religious

conception ... but that which is common to the acquiescence of any and all human beings ... The situation with the Sherwood's is coming to a head ... I got in the face of Justin the other evening regarding his and Ariel's dominating the family TV ... He copped an attitude with me and I would have thrown he out if it were not for their two little girls ... I restrained myself ... Both Ariel and Justin and the girls are receiving government checks ... just what for I do not know ... as well as food stamps ... Both Ariel and Justin are psychologically warped in my opinion and that of all who have anything to do with them ... They are manipulators and purposely break the rules to see what they can get away with as well as bully their way on the family side ... We've had it with them ... The other day they came back an hour late from one of their two hour passes ... Ariel tried to fudge the sign in time to make it appear as though they returned on time ... She was confronted about this and was told her and her family would have to leave for the night and come back in the morning to talk to Olin ... The family was told to be back in time for morning chapel ... They packed some things ... Ariel threw her suit case down the stairs ... They spent the night in a motel ... They called mid-morning ... Olin told them to be back in 15 minutes ... they finally showed up at 12 noon ... If they were not back by 1:00 their belongings would have been packed up and they would have been dismissed from the mission ... As it is they were given two weeks longer to stay at the mission, and as soon as their checks come in they have to leave ... They were late for chapel this evening ... Bill was on duty and he, myself and Wendall were discussing what we should do ... normally ... for a single man ... he would be put out of the mission for seventy-two hours ... but this is not a normal situation ... It was decided to let it slide ... and wait and see what else they try to pull ... Well ... I think the Sherwood's are figuring it out that it might be best to move out on their own, rather than being thrown out ... Justin was packing and loading their new used Chevy Caprice Station wagon tonight ... Right now it is packed ... Though they have said nothing ... the word out of the smoke pit is that Ariel told a former resident they were leaving in the morning ... As much as I hate the idea of the state taking responsibility for the care and welfare of children, Justin and Ariel are in no way suitable parents to these little girls ... Ariel's sons by another man are currently living with her great Uncle in Arkansas ... but there is no resource to accommodate the whole family ... The family knowing Ariel realize what they would be getting into and have, I believe wisely, limited their extension of assistance to Ariel and Justin ... I suspect at some point state (but which state?) Child Protection Services will take the girls ... but that will be a legal battle that someone will have to instigate once they are living in their car or other situation ... The extent of the Sherwood's problems is beyond the scope of what the mission can provide ... At least the boys eventually found a better situation while they were here ... 6-20-10 Got some good sleep before and after yesterdays shift ... and a couple hours before tonights ... feeling pretty rested ... finally getting into a groove I think ... it's just weird hours ... but ... I can live with it ... It's kinda funny ... I am becoming more engaged with people, yet at the same time I am a bit isolated because of the hours I keep ... but because of my position (which is actually 24/7) and can help some more than before, certain friendships are deepening, I am also making enemies because I enforce things some would rather buck the system on, and I have a certain air of authority that both reassures some and causes others to watch their P's and Q's ... And like all the desk men ... the smoke pit goes silent when we are around ... We got word late this afternoon that the Sherwood's car broke down ... They were dropped at the bus station by a cab company today, were apparently trying to pan-handle money from bus patrons to buy their own tickets (which is funny because they did have money and credit cards), the bus company stopped them and called the cab company to pick them up, the cab company called the mission to see if

we would take them in ... Now ... this is where it gets interesting ... The Sherwood's were placed on the missions NFL list (No Further Lodging) ... Bill called Olin to see what he would allow ... Olin agreed to accept them in until their government checks come in (around the first of the month), then they would have to leave ... The prospect of the Sherwood's returning caused no little consternation among the residents here, particularly those on the family side ... The call from the cab company came at about 5:30 PM ... They still have not arrived at the mission ... I suspect that as soon as Ariel found out the cab company was trying to arrange to bring them here she realized they were not popular here and raised holy hell ... I was told that Ariel could be heard in the background giving the cab driver shit as the cab company was trying to help them ... typical Ariel Sherwood ... From my log entries June 18 1:00 - William Coleman's sleep is disturbed by Gary Moore's use of his cell phone after 11:00 PM and into the early hours of the morning. William is distraught, too distraught to return to his bunk, and leaves the building. I confiscated Gary Moore's cell phone. I told Gary Moore to see Doremus in the morning. I told William to talk to Doremus about the issue in the morning. 6:15 - Gary Moore approached me about his cell phone. I informed him of what I personally knew of his history with his cell phone. He called me a liar and I told him to get back to his cubicle. I had written about Gary Moore before ... He is a black man who entered the mission a day ahead of me. What I had written before was about him being put out for 72 hours for being late getting to chapel ... I was not the one to impress this on him, and would have let it slide ... But, Gary is what I consider a pseudo-Christian ... Someone trying to adapt to the image of the good Religious conformist in the tradition of the black church ... I find very little of any real spiritual value to what Gary is doing ... I personally consider it a part of the religious con, but leave that to him ... to each his own ... except when the actions of one infringes of the rights and well being of another ... or there is an insensitivity to the needs of another, particularly when the one doing the infringing attempts to put on a religious image that is not supported by their actions and care for other's ... I.E. wearing the sharp clothes and spouting the right religious rhetoric don't amount to diddly-squat ... It is true William apparently has some psychological issues that renders him incapable of dealing with another's insensitivity ... I am finding there are few who do not have some sort of issue, though not all as controlled by these complexes as others (complex may be too strong a word, but is essentially accurate) ... I used to bunk in the cube next to Gary Moore ... I have heard him many times late at night and into the early hours of the morning on his cell with his ladies ... yup ... the man is working his phone ... and he is very loud. Now, I really don't have a problem with that, but when you have a bunk mate, and you can be heard in the adjacent cubicles, and the rules are printed clearly regarding after hours cell phone usage, and it is apparent that you don't really give a damn for the interest's of those around you with whom you share living accommodations ... and it affects some one to the point of leaving ... I ain't going to turn my head any more and pretend you're not in violation of the mission rules ... Well ... after talking to William as he was leaving ... I went to Gary's cube and told him ... Gary, give me your cell phone ... it's being confiscated ... He hemmed and hawed but took it out of his pocket and handed it to me ... He was trying to play innocent ... I took the phone and returned to the desk ... In the morning at about 6:15 Gary came to the desk to try and get his phone back ... I told him of what I knew of his use of his phone and he would have to see Doremus later ... He made excuses why he could not do this and I told him that was his problem ... He then asked what I had against him and told me I was prejudiced and a liar ... I pointed in the direction of his cubicle and told him to Get back to your cell!!! ... I was pissed ... His cell phone is now sitting in Olins mail box and until he faces the powers that be he will live with out it ... 6-21-10

Have you ever watched the movie Brubaker starring Robert Redford ... about a new, young, progressive prison warden infiltrating an old run down and mismanaged prison, he is about to assume authority over, as an inmate, in order to get an immediate real inmates eye view of the system. To a degree, I feel like that ... I was a business manager ... I could have been more financially astute, but I was more people minded than money minded ... so to a degree I may have been considered a success, and to another I may have been considered wanting ... Regardless, I was a problem solver, and coordinating the efforts of different skills and personalities, along with locating the resources, parts and information required to accomplish the task at hand would have been my strength ... Looking back I should have expected and demanded more for my services ... oh well ... I was also more than religiously honest ... which may be one reason I was not as financially successful as may have been possible ... But it was this quality that got me the position of trust and authority that I did have ... I am essentially the same man ... but came to realize that I did not enjoy the work ... the business ... as it had become a burden ... only a means to pay the immediate bills, and I did not relish the future that it promised. But it was a training ground to develop the management skills that I still retain ... Skills, and a perspective of analysis that can be applied to any operation that involves people and putting the resources together to make a system work ... I am taking notes making lists of things I see here, and side notes of recommendations ... Residents are managed fairly well, Doremus does a good job there ,,, but when there are influxes of volunteers and community service workers ... these all need better planning ... Then there is the skills and willingness of the people who are in charge, the desk men, with less than adequate management and people skills ... these need trained in more than the elementary requirements of securing the property or writing up infringements to the rules ... But I am not so stupid as to unveil these indiscriminately or dump them on anyone all at once ... I'm smart enough to realize that is a sure way to threaten some that are either insecure or incompetent ... and there is an abundance of both here. And I'm not really looking to take anybodies job ... And to be sure there is a resistance to any kind of change ... I have put the word out that I am seriously considering selling my truck ... the first one to give me what I want out of it gets it ... I don't think it will take too long ... They love pick ups here, and though mine needs a lot of neglected TLC, for the price and what may be required, it would be a good deal for someone ... I want a working desk top computer and Internet access ... these are what I need ... it won't be long ... Funny ... I have been using the computer since 1983 to advance myself in virtually everything I have done ... The Sherwood's never showed up ... I think Ariel may have decided to take her chances on the streets rather than come back. Their girls are the only thing I feel regrets about ... but this may force the state's hand ... I do not feel sorry for Ariel and Justin ... I am tired ... didn't get as much sleep yesterday as I had hoped ... looking forward to two days off ... thinking is hard ... only feeling ... 6-22-10 I had a good nights sleep ... on my second cup of coffee ... watching Headline News ... Doremus, the head desk man, is researching what he needs to, to determine whether he wants to but my truck ... I told him I would work with him on the price I am asking ... it does need a lot of work, but would be a good deal for a mechanic who could do it themselves ... that is not Doremus ... but if he knows someone ... All I really want is enough to get a computer system up and running and a few months (6 or so) of Internet ... A matter of cutting my loss's and using my resources for what is most needful ... Regardless

whether Doremus buys the truck or not there are others who have been interested in it ... Storms are coming through, it is expected to be very hot and humid today ... 95+ ... Tuesday ... I don't have a shift tonight, not till midnight tomorrow ... I used to work almost constantly, I find it is a mental habit hard to break ... 6-23-10 Bill and I are covering for Wendall tonight ... he is supposed to work graveyard tonight but worked loading a truck during the day ... that combined with the meds he has to take for being schizophrenic and a few others really does a number on him ... when it was obvious he wasn't going to get the sleep he needed, we (Bill and I) worked it out for him. Doesn't make too much difference except where I may have volunteered during the day tomorrow will definitely be curtailed ... Have to get Wendall to step in I guess ... Resident population is really down right now so everyone is doing extra duties. I spent Tuesday morning on the truck with Bill Cagman, I wrote about him in the past ... He used to be a resident and then became employed as mission truck driver and committed himself for a year ... that year is up in a few weeks ... He may be leaving if they do not give him more money ... No real issues, but the mission pays very low wages ... people have got to live ... Bill C and I have good open and honest talks about things at the mission ... what happens on the truck, stays on the truck ... It's cool ... a lot of residents and staff open up to me ... I finally met officially the CEO of the mission, Rev Tom ... He was sitting in the desk area, on one of the sofas (very unusual for him), I came back from working on the truck, Rev Tom and Olin and about 4 others were bull shitting and I plopped myself down on the sofa next to the Rev ... He looked at me as if to say Who the hell are you? ... and then said I haven't met you ... I introduced myself and said and your Rev Tom ... Olin said He's one of the desk men ... Rev Tom then said I've seen you sitting here a lot, but you never introduced yourself ... well ... slow down Rev ... take time to meet those who work for you and reside in the mission ... there's a lot that goes on around the mission and outside your office ... Of course ... I didn't say that ... But he did seem to be a decent guy ... I think he was one of the shooters at the gun club when I was loading traps ... This is from Bills log 6-22-10 8:45 Check in family Brandon and Samantha Williams and 2 children (Billy and Faith) 9:45 Check out family: Brandon Williams Wife freaked out Accommodations for families, as well as male residents, are rather sparse and spartan ... This is the third family in the last week to bolt virtually immediately ... One family stayed the night (they had three little girls) but left the next morning while breakfast was being served ... they stated on their check out paper work that they were going to house with a family member. The family that left tonight stated the same ... One family last week that I checked in while I was explaining the set up, the wife turned from me and began weeping . Her husband tried to comfort her and I told him to come see me if he had any questions ... The next thing they were out the door ... I tried to talk to them but she would not speak ... and he just told me ..It's too much ... thank you ... but we can't do it ... I know they had no place to go and were living in their car with two children, one an infant ... There are other families that have had similar reactions, but there has been a rash of them lately. I am withholding judgment ... I can only say these are not families with any apparent drug or alcohol problems (at least as far as I can see) ... just hard times ... I also wonder now that the official unemployment rate is about 9%+, what is the real rate ... It wast officially 17% in Gettysburg PA two years ago ... and I know people like myself are not counted ... we are off the radar not claiming unemployment or other benefits ... all these considered would put the rate around 20% ... What is the real state of the economy? ... Is there a way

the really get the truth? ... I know the facts of what it is like for those who are and have been seeking employment here in Terre Haute ... and these being educated people and the best that is available is less than part time hours at Arby's and Pizza Hut and the like, or unreliable shift work (about 20 hours a week) on an assembly line at Sony ... Primary reason being there are just too many people seeking any kind of work they can get. So the underemployed are not taken into account as the unemployed ... I do believe that the only thing that any one can rely on is themselves ... and the way out of the lack of employment is to create yourself as a commodity that is needed ... that can be virtually anything ... but ... I also believe that this is not a frame of thinking that is taught ... We have not been taught to make it on our own ... the state of education is to create a work force educated enough to fill a niche in the corporate structure or stand on an assembly line or flip burgers ... And many following the promise of careers in emerging fields of interest find these evaporating in a few years or even nonexistent as schooling is completed ... It is rare to find those who can escape this cultural paradigm geared to stamp out diplomas without substance to survive ... Or why have we not been encouraged to make life long learning a way of life? ... It seems as our culture has evolved we are set up to failure and decline ... Technology does not serve everyone ... and our use of it is hardly what might be expected to produce the benefits once promised ... but that's just my opinion ... I really don't care about politics or economics one way or the other ... but as it affects people in ways they have no control over ... it pisses me off ... 6-24-10 Low numbers are over taxing human resources at the mission ... Those who truly are wanting to do for themselves are willing to work, but there are those who expect everything handed to them and sometimes their unwillingness to volunteer for even the most undemanding chore gets the rest punished with lost TV privileges ... and some try to make the most of every physical infirmity ... real and exaggerated ... Sometimes it's hard to tell which is which ... or how much is the cause of personal self neglect and an unwillingness to take care of themselves ... or listen to their doctors ... I am losing patience with a few ... 6-25-10 Just came on and did my first property check ... all's well there ... slow and quiet for the most part ... not too unlike running any business, except ... the occasional focus that must be given to inflated egos or abnormal psychological peculiarities ... at least it isn't a matter of being overwhelmed by an influx of humanity that would require a regular heavy handed approach without discrimination ... Looking at it from another direction other than my experience last winter I understand a lot of the former strong arm tactics and perceived bullying ... Though some do not know how to step back ... reassess the situation ... and apply themselves in less aggressive domineering ways ... I think Bill and I are able to do this better then many of our predecessors ... and Wendall, though less able and much of his approach is what was learned while in prison, watching the guards, he has a good heart ... Doremus is strictly by the book, but he will listen to me and obeys Olin to a T ... Olin, a former correctional officer, is tough ... but he does have a definite soft spot for those he thinks want to get themselves together ... but a zero tolerance for drunks and con men ... I pay attention to things he intuits ... I'm not sure he's always right ... but more so than not ... I ... on the other hand ... have always been too trusting ... Bill and I both have more learning regarding most things that the others ... Bill is formally educated ... business and computer science ... I am self taught ... but our discussions get deep over a wide range of subjects ... psychology, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, physics, quantum physics, and just about everything in between ... there is also a perspective to the psychological conditions of residents that he and I are both attentive to that the others don't seem to get as good a grasp of ... we are not always right ... but are

aware of more possibilities that may be factors into the reasons why individuals behave the way they do ... But both of us are relative greenhorns when it comes to actual experience with elements steeped in living on the bottom ... Manuel ... 20 years old ... Hispanic ... very slow ... dim witted ... possibly borderline mentally retarded ... possibly dealing with other psychological problems requiring medication ... He checked in last week ... quiet ... shy ... but seemed a decent sort ... Bill took an immediate liking to him ... Manuel has a problem adhering to the rules of the mission ... constantly stepping over the bounds allotted to him ... leaving and not returning when required .... He was away after bed check last night, Olin had a soft moment and let him back in this morning ... not signing out ... leaving chapel early, when it pleases him, making passes at married women, falling asleep in chapel and waking making comments disrupting the chapel service ... doing his detail adequately, but holding on to the keys to storage rooms and showing them off in the smoke pit, ... Gentle talks don't seem to work ... he is offended easily ... almost like he is playing for pity ... Lately we have been wondering if he is not taking his meds ... or were they changed to something less than is needed ... He walked away tonight after being talked to about accumulating problems ... I saw him at Walgreen's Drug Store ... then to the park ... his clothes bag over his shoulder ... dim witted? ... psychologically impaired? ... con man? ... we don't know ... but a lot fit the profile ... I just had about two and a half hours sleep ... that's it for this morning ... lunch is coming up real soon and then I will be going to the library ... I had to log the actions of a friend, Gregg Puckett, as he returned from work last night and could not perform his duties as breakfast cook this morning ... he had been drinking and was drunk ... I was logging his actions rather then confront him and instigate what would have turned into a fight ... I did not report him as drunk ... but had to report his actions and inability to function ... Olin came in and immediately required him to come to the office ... he did not come immediately ... I was sent to get him ... He was hiding and did not want to face the issue ... He started to go to the office and immediately made a U-turn back to the drive through ... I was following him ... he lit a cigarette ... I went and told Olin that he needed to go to the drive through ... Olin left the office with an alcohol breath tester ... he met Gregg in the lobby ... I did not hear what was said between them but Greg refused to take an alcohol test ... That was grounds for dismissal ... Olin came into the office handed me the unused breath analyzer and told me Gregg was NFL ... no further lodging ... Gregg was not a great friend ... but as I had become a desk man ... we were friends ... and someone I counted on to work with ... He also had (has) an on going drinking problem which he kept well hidden ... I did not know a lot of his history ... but Olin did ... and as he had returned to a late night working situation many, including myself, wandered if this was going to lead him back to drinking ... When he was facing me in the office this morning ... it was obvious he wanted to argue and fight me ... I just turned away ... Any thing I could have said would have been enough to set him off ... ... sometimes it sucks ... just sucks ... 6-27-10 I am almost always in a state of sleep deprivation ... I just got a short sleep before coming on shift but it was difficult falling asleep ... it eventually just happened ... but prior to that, I was a zombie ... in a daze ... hardly able to think straight ... Charles watches TV constantly ... and I mean lower end stuff .. Sponge Bob cartoons, the E channel ... wrestling ... Lawrence Welk ... Occasionally some VH1 or MTV but not the best of these ... and on rare occasions some PBS music special during one of their fund drives ... these I can handle ... Eric Clapton ... Steve Winwood ... the Moody Blues ... but this is rare ... The rest of the time it is a constant drone of empty nothing ... and I see him moving his lips as if he is talking to someone and moving his hand gesturing ... to ... no one ... And then he will look and

stare at me to see if I am watching him ... like ... there is something he is trying to hide ... or he will get up and look in the mirror and comb his hair ... again ... and again ... He was watching TV this evening ... he would turn it up ... I had the remote ... hidden ... and would turn it down ... he would sit closer to the TV ... and look to see if I was watching ... and turn it up a bit ... and ... I would turn it down again ... and again ... I came back in the room and told him Charles! ... You just have to keep that down ... I need to try to get some sleep before I go on shift!!! ... He did not respond , but he kept it relatively low ... I watch him and think ... A mind is a terrible thing to waste ... ... ... too late! ... He is also a neat freak ... I don't mind that though ... and he works in the laundry ... he does do a good job folding clothes ... I can always tell when he has folded mine ... but I understand they have to ride his ass down there about being attentive to what he is supposed to be doing ... And he will not volunteer for anything ... but will show up when drafted ... but isn't worth a shit when he is there ... I know ... I have watched him on joint details ... I volunteered, he was drafted ... I will end up giving him orders and speak in an authoritative tone to get him to do the simplest of things ... or just get him out of the way so the rest of us can get the job done ... And though I have not monitored it very close, I have been told he takes half a dozen showers a day ... yeah ... right ... some things I'd rather not know ... but ... he does get his laundry done three times a week ... we are allowed one load a week ... position has its privilege ... We had a mandatory residents meeting in the chapel this morning ... We have these about once a month and they are for the purpose of making sure we have the necessary volunteers available for the Angel Food co-op food distribution the mission helps support ... These meetings don't last long and are usually simple in and out things once attendance is taken and volunteers are accounted for ... I was responsible for todays meeting for the first time ... talking attendance ... explaining the program ... and giving instructions to volunteers (draftees) ... I enjoyed it ... what is cool though ... so did the residents ... I am discovering a talent I have but have little opportunity to exercise ... leading a group meeting ... with humor and a natural way of relating to others ... not a show, but natural, laughing at myself and others as they become engaged in what is going on ... Sure beat the normal religious bull shit chapel service or the dude at the front giving orders ... though I did give orders, the residents didn't mind receiving them, and everyone was smiling as I held the door for them as they left ... At the end of my shift I got ready for church, caught a ride with a friend, returned and slept for three and a half hours ... that felt good ... damn good ... My mind was rested and able to comprehend what I was reading. I will watch 'Dances With Wolves tonight and continue in my reading from Britannica's Great Books 20th Century Philosophy and Religion: William James Pragmatism ... I am finding I like him ... I have seen references to him in a lot of the Gnostic materials I had read previously ... He was cool ... a nineteenth century early twentieth century Renaissance man ... I am reading a later work of his ...when he became known as a philosopher ... There is another in the Great Books set that is dedicated to his work as a psychologist ... it is very long ... 700 pages ... I will be getting into that next I think ... but I am enjoying this shorter philosophical work ... makes a lot of sense ... Stuff you can put to work in everyday life ... without compromising what you have already come to realize as truth ... I have taken over my room this afternoon and evening ... Cartoon Charles and Sponge Bob have been displaced and I will watch what I want to tonight ... Million Dollar Baby and Cold Mountain ... My laptop is out, I am writing and get over it Charles ... you can have the tube back later ... I bought the battery for the remote and I am taking control ... 11:40 PM

My movie ended ... I turned the remote over to Charles ... and I came on the desk a half hour early and let Wendall go for the night ... and now I set the channel to watch an encore presentation of the movie I just watched ... Cold Mountain ... My alarm on my cell phones goes off to remind me it is getting time for my shift detail at midnight ... alarms ... someday I will live without them ... an alarm for each wake up call ... but it keeps everyone else functioning ... 6-28-10 4:00 AM I was thinking ... though this is not the place ... another electric guitar would be useful ... if I was to find the right situation to play ... but ... that is not here ... I have disposed of my PA system ... Gave it to the mission ... it and some other stuff was becoming just possessions that possessed me rather than me possessing them ... that I have realized happens a lot when we aren't expecting it ... I still have my amplifier, though I may get rid of it or make arrangements for it and a few other things, but these are only useful, if I am using them or have plans to use them ... I have my Ovation guitar, this I will keep, it's like a lifetime friend, although I haven't played it since I went on the desk and my schedule has been so screwed... yet, if I were in the right situation, I would consider trading it for a good Martin ... But guitars are only of value if there is someone to play for ... Too many questions to be considered and these things hold no value in themselves ... It is only as they serve me and the ones I love that they acquire purpose and meaning ... I used to have some really fine electrics, but I have also found that a low end good electric can do the job ... It is the musician and not the instrument that makes the difference, but ... a fine guitar can inspire an intermediate or novice player to aspire to what the instrument is worthy of ... but I've already been there ... and right now, to play for the lady I love is all I really want to do ... If anything more comes of it ... that's fine ... but I want the lady and to make her happy ... whatever that takes or means ... as long as she appreciates the music, I am happy ... 10:00 PM I was getting tired ... I still am ... I haven't had much sleep today ... just spots ... an hour here , there, and then another just now ... I have been up most of the day ... covering for Doremus and Wendall, running spot management errands for Olin while he sat on the desk (It was Doremus's day off) ... and I knew I wasn't going to get any real sleep, and I am officially off until Wednesday night ... so ... sleep will happen when it does ... naturally and I just pass out ... but though tired, I guess it could be called a good day ... I am not so certain as to what I need to apply myself too ... What is my calling ... Am I a musician? ... Am I a minister or a philosopher or writer or what the hell? ... I know I am not lazy or a shirker or irresponsible ... though my history would certainly betray this ... But I am not a slave to any ones definition ... I am free and live and think as a free human being ... and this flies in the face of convention ... Yet ... I am not without rule or law or discipline ... but these are those I find in me and sometimes these are in accordance with convention, and even religious principle ... but I am not defined by these as dictated to me ... And I am finding that reading the philosophies of other great thinkers is influential and helps coordinate my own thinking and give me understanding that was previously a struggle ... Not that I am made the disciple of any others mind ... not in any complete sense ... but thought and logic and reason coming into light makes its adjustments to already ordered categories ... sharpening the tools that I have been collecting ... And a lady will cultivate another dimension that I am not ignorant of, but need the loving touch of someone willing to open themselves to me, and show me what is in me ... providing as it were a third eye into myself ... Maybe I am writing in circles ... I am tired ... I am rambling ... thoughts are just coming to the surface ... Olin asked me today if I would be willing to be interviewed for an article in the missions newsletter ... Bill Oldman and two others will also be interviewed ... I told Olin yes, though I informed him I was not

exactly an Orthodox Christian ... He said that didn't matter ... I have been spending time lounging with the higher powers that be at the mission ... I admit I feel a bit out of place, but not uncomfortable ... I just try to avoid what I might consider religious things ... though that is impossible ... my in depth understanding of Orthodoxy does help me stay out of trouble though ... I can agree ... and disagree ... in their religious language, and sometimes I think astound and baffle ... Confusion can make for a wonderful defense mechanism when the truth will only lead to crucifixion ... but most of the time I just keep my mouth shut ... And Bill Oldman and me talking over the head's of others is often amusing ... at least to Bill and me ... but that is our inside joke ... 6-29-10 11:00 AM I slept well last night ... didn't wake up for breakfast ... and barely had enough time to grab a cup of coffee ... but it felt good ... I have been sitting in the Desk/Office area ... running a few errands as someone needed ... and just hanging with some of the staff as they wander through ... But I have no immediate responsibilities ... this is my time off ... So I sit and think ... a lot ... 7-1 I was interviewed today for an upcoming mission newsletter ... the writer was cool ... he and I hit it off ... He is 71 and has been doing this kind of thing for 55 years ... He interviewed 4 of us ... I was impressed ... He asked a few questions and let me tell my story ... But he wasn't the religious non-thinker that pervades so much of the system ... He understood Jung and William James ... it was really very encouraging ... Then I went and bought the new computer ... I had a third floor resident give me a ride and paid him twenty dollars for his time and gas ... Last time I will use him ... couldn't drive worth a damn ... I would have thought he was drunk ... lost his way and ran over curbs ... ran red lights and even drove past the mission on our way back ... he didn't know where we were ... damn ... You learn something new about people every day ... I was informed we can expect an influx of new residents with drinking problems ... some have already started calling in about coming back ... Apparently eighteen months ago Pres. Obama instigated a housing program for homeless persons living in shelters who met the qualifications ... Many residents took advantage of the program at the time ... Now, that program is out of money and those who left and did not acquire jobs will be back in the shelters ... I have been told that most in this situation had drinking and drug problems ... some will not be allowed back ... but most will ... as long as they keep their noses clean ... but we can expect problems more regularly as they come back ... Two of these former residents upon leaving were involved in knife fight incidents over drugs ... I am rebuilding my computer system ... fortunately I have all the data and things I have written and saved on the old hard drives ... but I will need to get some updated cords to connect these to the new system ... that will just take time, but I have had to rebuild systems over the years ... it is a regular thing every few years and it justifies upgrading to a better computer ... I suppose a normal part of life ... 7-2-10 I have a new computer and Internet at the mission ... I feel like I'm back in the saddle again ... I didn't

even put in for a 4 hour pass tomorrow ... Hell ... I'll just connect here ... in the morning ... when Charles is doing his detail and out of the room ... and then when I want to ... 7-4-10 I won't preach to you about cultural and social perversions that deter us from that which is our innate inherent humanity, but I will not allow myself to be governed by these values that I have found so unnatural to our higher human spiritual and animal natures ... Life here is starting to acquire a form that if not totally comfortable is increasingly livable, at least for the desire and purpose that I seem to be suited to ... My biggest complaint for all practical purposes is my room mate who seems to have no purpose and serves very little function other than taking up space ... I'm sure I must be wrong regarding him, but as he says virtually nothing, and only responds in single syllables ... No ... Yes ... alright ...OK ... well ... those are two syllables, but you get the idea ... and shows absolutely NO emotion, with the personality of a blank wall ... I don't know how it ever happened but Olin said he was once being trained to be on the desk ... He answered the phone with a warm and welcoming What? and that ended that career ... But ... he is quiet ... and if I can keep him out of the room when I have personal things to accomplish ... life can be bearable ... not ideal ... but tolerable ... Getting the computer set up ... gaining access to the Internet ... getting my intellectual resources back in order ... I can see that my life will be less concerned with the situations of other residents here, unless it actually demands my attention, and more concerned with developing my own interests ... This I'm sure will mean more feeding of the mind through the vast collection of university lectures I have accumulated and other resources, reading and doing more serious writing ... I was going through some of the essays I had written over the last few years and had blogged in various places ... multiply was only the most recent ... But I rediscovered I have written about a lot of stuff ... And to my own surprise, deeper and better than I remembered at the time ... Now ... I don't know what I would do with it yet, but I am convinced I will want to go back through it ... organizing it ... and maybe expanding on some things ... I just haven't figured out what is best to do yet ... I will get a few sets of strings for my guitar ... but as there is little place to play besides the mission, and I don't want to go down the route of becoming involved with a church worship team f... I will play as I feel like it and focus my mind on what I think best serves my greater interests. I'm sure I will continue to write about things at the mission, but as it is summer, and residents are fewer and those remaining more stable than at peak seasons, less is happening here to write about. 7-5-10 The best thing about these midnight shifts is that the first few hours are focused on writing ... Focus is my hearts feeling about truth that I would never otherwise realize or have inclination to put into words. 7-6-10 ... for the last month or so things have been rather slow here, the number of residents dwindling as is the norm during the summer months ... and having things to write about became sparse ... there wasn't the continual new crises in someones life to entertain and occupy ones time and focus ...

Bill Oldman, my fellow desk man and spiritual traveler see much the same thing here ... Bill is more highly formally educated than I am but my many years of self training and experience places us on a more or less equal footing ... I also revel in my own ongoing efforts in lifelong education ... But Bill and I see much the same discrepancy of what is deeper spiritual Christianity and what is the actual outworking of Christian principle here at the mission ... It is like the principles of the book ... such as it is, whether one accepts it or not, and the actual implementation of attitude and practice as is the reality at the mission, and promulgated from the top down ... simply do not jive ... line up ... It is a caricature image of a distorted Christ ... every imperfection of assumed religion twisted and exaggerated ... made into more perversion than imitation of the divine perfection the ideal would have us aspire to. And to my thinking the business of religion has reached the height of hypocrisy. A hypocrisy that would have embarrassed even the most ardent of Pharisees. The innate dignity of the human being ... sacrificed for the convenience of inefficient, self interested, sub-Biblical ignorants. And if there is a God who is represented by these idiots and fools ... it is no wonder ... it is no god of mine ... I was a business manager ... for more than 23 years ... My responsibility was to make sure human resources, equipment and materials were all where they needed to be and doing what they were supposed to ... I was the father of a large family ... The head of a household of 10 children ... Whenever we did anything as a family it was like a military operation ... I know, being in charge and taking command like I found it necessary to do did not make me very popular, and sometimes my kids and employees resented my take charge ways ... but, for the most part things ran relatively smooth and the job got done or the vacation was mostly enjoyable ... And, if it was the intention, a profit was made or the the amusement park successfully invaded with a minimum of casualty. But the primary concern was always for the people involved ... either the customers and their interests and the employees trying to make a fair dollar and support their own families, OR the pleasure of the entire family and often specific kids, occasionally making decisions that some liked and others found disagreeable, but trying to make the overall experience one that would be positive for us as a family. Success may be a matter of interpretation and undoubtedly tainted with personal subjectivisms ... But the intent and focus on the personhood of all involved was ever the most important. To me ... this is my own outworking of the Christian spirit as it became a practical matter in my life and in relation to those I was associated with. I have problem when less than this amount of concern and respect is shown by any in a position of authority and leadership over any they would assume positions over. I have been taught, and can demonstrate well that the authority of those who would lead and rule is acquired not by assumption of position or title prescribed from the top down, but rather as one becomes the servant of those to be led and directed ... This is Christ to me ... Less than this ... though assuming the right of the ruler, as it were in the name of another ... is not Christ ... is not Christian ... but rather the self ... And when this is the nature of authority from the top down, what else s to be expected from those below ... to be led ... or rather as may be the case, used for the benefit and interest of the system or those who rule the system? They become the convenient commodities of a system presumably established for their benefit and well being and reintroduction back into a system where they have failed OR, that has failed them ... spiritualized ... sanctified and legitimized ... Christianity as Capitalism ... or is it the other way around? No ... Christianity is not necessarily capitalism, but don't try to preach that in the USA ... Witch burnings may be outlawed, but being ostracized for thinking is not ... and when thinking is deemed dangerous the reality of being declared a terrorist or subversive is not far behind. There are few places that I have not found where ignorance does not feel threatened by thinking ... and since most of my experience is within the American Christian community this ignorance has always maintained a pseudo-Christianized veneer ... but ignorance, regardless of its color is always the same ... and ultimately persecutes what it does not understand, and often does not desire to understand. This is not a Christian attribute, but rather human nature.

7-7-10 I am sitting at the second floor desk with an extremely large ... over sized helping of raspberry cheesecake, with chocolate graham cracker crust ... Bill and the dinner cook had theirs earlier, I was taking a nap before coming on duty ... It is large enough I think I will have to nurse this through the night ... rich and creamy ... position has its privilege ... and it's all legal and cool ... there isn't enough for everyone and we certainly wouldn't this to fall into the hands of the executives who wouldn't know how to truly appreciate it ... and besides, it's brain food and I need a bit of a recharge right now ... 7-8-10 I am not afraid to let my ego express what I want, who I know myself to be, even as I am growing and evolving. I was told a while back that as I follow my dream I could expect my ego to grow. At that time I understood this is not a bad thing, though I have to admit that from a lot of the educational training I had received in the past it is a foreign concept and in many respects antithetical to a great deal of religious thought. But I have come to realize that most of this religious idea of what constitutes humility, and by inference egotism, is not correct and actually a perversion of what is our potential for human development and evolution. Initially, as I was informed of the prospect of an expanding ego, I was hit with something new, a little shocked and surprised, but knew inside, beyond my then current psychic understanding, that there was truth I was being introduced to and though not understanding the process to be embarked on, accepted it as valid, and thought little more of it, except to remember and be aware as I proceeded. I did not change any habits, but only continued developing the habits and interests that I had already found to my interest ... my music ... my metaphysical research ... studies in psychology, philosophy, depth psychology, quantum physics and other related subjects ... most seemingly revolving around deeper issues of mans quest to understand himself and the universe. During this time life was falling apart but the quest for understanding always was the primary value in my life ... my mind was growing ... though it was not as evident to me as all growth subjectively realized cannot be perceived for what it actually is, until some time has past and obvious comparisons can be made and recognized and to some extent quantified ... This quantification, as I am the subjective observer, is only recently becoming more of an objective truth to me, and even at that, I do not believe as objectively perceptible as it may possibly be ... I can not be the judge ... I can only participate and assume based on what I realize of my own past mental, psychic and academic state ... I.E. I am not the same as I was two or three years ago ... I have definitely grown or evolved into someone other than who I was then ... I actually believe this evolutionary growing process was something that was occurring during the later years of my marriage, and was a factor in the discomfort my ex was beginning to feel about me. I could not consider this at the time ... it was something I was absolutely ignorant of ... It has taken this long for me to finally come to understand what was happening, and as I eventually became more independent, began to develop at an ever increasing, and now I believe, exponential rate. I know that to many this would sound like an ego run amok but I do not believe it as this ... What is actually going to transpire in my life as I continue to follow this dream ... and this dream is a lot bigger than what can be expressed as I am a musician ... I don't know. Yet I will always be a musician, but it is only one aspect of who I am, and what I am capable of, and what I am interested in ... sure enough, the aspect that impresses a great many, possibly because it is an art that explores esoteric ideas that can be demonstrated in a nonthreatening means of communication that transcends the purely mental and academic and touches the feelings and

emotions of human nature ... I.E. we all feel ... we all imagine ... but understanding these is not a prerequisite to appreciating them ... Understanding is often elusive if the mental capacities are wanting or the effort to develop the mind is not exercised to become what it can be. ... Yeah ... I know ... it sounds arrogant and egotistical ... But ... I am finding ... it is true ... I am and have been on a virtual perpetual learning feeding lifestyle ... sometimes more accurately describe as a frenzy ... it goes in waves and cycles ... but is the way I am and very much what I do ... I can not say that this is what some would consider a balanced lifestyle ... I think, I was overcompensating for my lack of formal education for a long time and this became a factor in the breakup of my marriage ... I can't say for sure ... we were not communicating ... but I am suspect. But there is a positive side to this ... It would seem I am just living life, learning what I can, as much as I can and doing the best I can with it ... 7-9-10 I'm tired ... though I got about five hours sleep through the day, it just doesn't quite add up the same as a full nights rest ... so ... rather than fight a constant battle with dozing I mix a cocktail of Hawaiian Punch and instant coffee ... loaded with caffeine ... I'll have to try it over ice ... not to bad ... if it works ... Thinking is not exactly easy right now, or rather keeping my mind focused ... I'm not too worried about it, I just want to stay awake through the night ... of course where there are things I might write, they just get neglected ... but I will try anyway ... the coffee/punch mix is at least keeping my eyes open. I'm watching some sixties beach movie ... Bikini Beach ... hot girls ... surfing and hot rods ... the shaper of my early adolescence ... I think I was too ignorant and innocent to have appreciated the hot girls at the time ... and drugs of later years and religion of post adolescence left me less than attentive to the finer pleasures of natural creation ... Not to say that I did not indulge, but when the mind is not as attentive as would be desired the greater value of what is god's gift will not be appreciated for what it is ... I am of an age and mind that such neglect will not be something I might be guilty of ... And that is not to say I have a wandering eye, though I am not blind and certainly do appreciate beauty ...I am also of a maturity and discipline to know and be able to focus my mind, attention and eye to the woman that is most valuable to me. And the fact that this lady is intelligent, educated, compatible and charming ... as well as hot would mean essentially one thing to a man of my constitution ... I am of all men blessed of god ... I am starting to get into a routine after I get whatever sleep I can in the afternoon ... I shower, go down to the first floor, hang out with Bill who is now on the desk and have dinner at five, and then hang in the desk area until Bill moves the operation upstairs for bed check and I go to my room and hopefully catch a couple hours more rest. Bill and I get into deeper discussions than can be realized with most of the residents. Bill is more limited in his resources and thought regarding Christianity and alternative spiritual ideas, but is by no means wholly orthodox ... It gets to be fun, he has his own dogmatism that he tries to espouse and defend and I have little in the way of an absolute dogma and can mix the various concepts of the divine more or less at will, yet there is a great deal that we agree on and much that we both see the same regarding religion and faith that we hold common ground on ... Regardless we find a friendship and a common purpose working the desk at the mission. He is actually on duty from 4 to 12 and I defer all final decisions to him, but I have learned from the past, as a manager myself, how to assist and be useful to him, when things get busy and he needs another set of hands, eyes or feet ... or answering the phone while he deals with whatever issues take him away from the

desk. My midnight shift is long ... sometimes ... and sleep comes hard ... but it is good for the time I can focus on writing and will not be disturbed ... Bill is college educated, a year younger than me, a form bank VP, and computer programmer ... He was married and has two grown boys ... A while back he gave it all up to cross country on foot on his own spiritual journey ... He is what I might call a classic liberal regarding most social issues though that may be an overstatement, but, I might say nave regarding the nature of humanity which can be very self interested and corrupt ... but ... like me ... he is learning a lot about the underside of humanity through what comes through and goes on at the mission. I find it easier to be more of a hard ass when I need to be ... though I too would think of myself as somewhat innocent regarding humanities under belly. Though I may have a tougher veneer, I have little doubt I am just as soft in the center ... that also comes through when it needs to. Though we both have problems with some of the decisions and operation of the mission from the top down, we both know and understand our place and what it means to submit to authority, and influence for the better what we can ... I think we both realize having each other for a friend is a very good thing for both of us ... and the fact that we showed up here at pretty much at the same time demonstrates some purpose ... whatever that may be ... One of the younger residents left his guitar in the desk area tonight while he went to the store ... I had only played once in the past several weeks since I went on midnights ... I am planning on going to a GuitarCenter this Saturday afternoon to get me a few sets of strings and pick it up occasionally ... I picked up the young mans guitar and started going through some blues riff's ... it was not a very good guitar, but the riff's sounded good ... Bill is one who had become accustomed to my playing when I was in my old cubical ... He commented as I was finishing tonight that he could listen to me play continually and effortlessly .... maybe while reading a book ... I said thank you, many years ... 7-11-10 I saw a large advertising sign as I was walking to the Mall today, it said This year thousands of men will die of stubbornness ... I could not read the fine print to see who sponsored the add. It struck me ... that's what we're fighting baby ... Then there was another business sign that caught my attention Crapo Insurance Agency, Inc ... hmmm ... I think this one needs nominated for the truth in advertising award ... Today was the first time in three years that I felt like getting out into civilization ... of course I found myself at the very bottom ... walking ... about five miles ... It wasn't that bad... I didn't get winded, though the last mile I was starting to feel the heat ... but I found what I was looking for, the GuitarCenter (smaller than most other urban outlets I had visited), stopped at a Dairy Queen for a milk shake and then Books-A-Million, a Borders copy (though not quite as expansive and inclusive) ... the Christian religious section was much larger than I had seen in other outlets and the psychology section was smaller and virtually dedicated to recovery subject matter, and the philosophy and metaphysical sections were non-existent ... I wasn't desiring to punish my body further so I called a cab for a ride back to the mission ... but ... it was good to get out. Oh ... I did finally get online to get bus information ... should have thought of it earlier ... 7-12-10 I've been figuring out my sleep schedule ... well ... lately it is whenever I lay down ... I fell asleep in church today ... twice ... once when I sat down during the worship (singing) and then after the pause in the service to greet each other during the second half of the sermon ... I hope I didn't snore ... Not to worry, at least I am starting to sleep more regularly.

Early today, before church, was kind of galvanizing ... the following is from Allen's (desk man on duty) log: 8:10 Bill Winchell and Jarrod Riley reported money stolen & Harry Cronin a bank card 8:30 Olin put the building on lock down 9:05 - Money found in (Manuel) Padilla's pants 9:10 Told Padilla he was not to leave the building. He left so called the police. Police showed up, put Padilla in car, he admitted to stealing the money. Winchell and Riley did not want to file charges. He was told never to come back, if he did he would be arrested for trespassing. That is the official log ... but there was more going on ... more that I withhold judgment on, but warrants mention. Padilla was not the only suspect ... another new resident was also under suspicion ... Tom Dawson...Tom is about thirty-five, long blond hair, wears a bandanna, has tears tattooed under his eyes, reminds me of Axel Rhodes of Guns and Roses, and he is a meth head ... Olin had showed up about quarter after eight and called in Padilla and Dawson to his office ... Dawson showed up first ... Olin was hot ... cussing like I had never heard him ... Dawson was prime suspect and catching the brunt of Olin's wrath ... about 10 of us where in the lobby area listening ... quiet ... not a word ... Olin let Dawson return to his bunk .... Padilla went in to Olin's office ... it was a much quieter meeting ... Padilla came out and sat down on the benches with the rest of us ... some got up and stood over and away from him ... He sat next to me ... I said nothing ... he was nervous ... Olin got on the intercom and made the announcement about the mission being on lock down ... no one was to leave ... no smoking ... going to church only was to be permitted ... Olin left to go to church ... Padilla left the lobby ... In a few minutes Winchell and Riley came down the stairs smiling announcing they had found their money ... They, and two other residents watching, went through Padilla's laundry and found the total of missing money half hanging out of the pocket of his pants. Padilla was called into the office ... Allen made him sit in an area outside of Olins office, the intention being that he had to wait until Olin returned in about an hour or so ... Padilla decided he was not going to wait ... he headed for the door and residents informed him he would be dismissed immediately if he left ... he went outside ... he went to the back of the property ... meanwhile Allen called the police ... a few other residents followed to see where he would go ... a police car that had not yet received the call was cruising by and informed of the situation and directed to Padilla ... another squad car showed up and Padilla was taken into custody ... Allen came out to talk to the officers ... the rest of the residents got on the church bus that arrived and were off to church .... When we returned lock down had been lifted and we found out about what had transpired ... Later, early evening, I was covering the desk for Wendall ... Tom Dawson came by to sign out to go to an NA meeting ... I asked him How you doing? ... He was up beat ... not the nervous wreck Olin had left him in earlier ... I'm cool,... hey, I might be a few minutes late, I don't know how these meetings go ... I told him that's cool, you're covered. ... I suspect he will get an apology from Olin in the morning, if he hasn't already ... As a side note: Manuel Padilla had stayed about a week at the mission about a month ago. Some of us, particularly Bill took an interest in him ... He is probably mildly retarded, no common sense at all, no ambition and no interest in doing anything ... but he seemed a nice enough kid and evoked the sympathy of most, including Olin ... He left after he was reprimanded for cutting chapel, making a ruckus in chapel, and few other minor infringements ... He began to loiter in the park across the street, sleeping on benches and showing up occasionally for meals ... For a time he would go back to the smoke pit and harass the married women residents, he was then informed not to return to the property ... He then began stalking the women as they would go for walks in the park, and an attempt was made to file a police report, but they said to wait until he does it again ... since then family from out of state had been calling the mission trying to locate him ... the local Terre Haute police and ISU police had picked him up and tried to get him placed back in the mission. They dropped him off the other night when I was on duty and saw his name on the list not to

be given accommodations until 7-25-10 and turned him away at that time ... At the desk man meeting the other day we discussed Manuel's situation and decided to give him another chance ... He was admitted later that day ... and so the incidents of this morning transpired ... Olin did apologize to Dawson ... but Dawson admitted he was a thief, just not this time ... Dawson has been doing well and he and I are striking a friendship. He is one who will bring things to my attention that need some extra oversight. I am finding I do personally like him and will do what I can to help him. 7-15-10 Sunday, one of our residents, Jarrod Riley, had some money lifted from him, recovered the cash and then would not press charges against the guy who stole the money. I remember a little more than a week ago checking in Jarrod, sometime around 1:30 AM. He had been dropped off by whoever he had been staying with, but why they waited until 1:00 AM I have no clue. A few days later the mission received a call from a detective looking for Jarrod ... He was supposedly being accused of selling property on his Facebook account that belonged to the people he had been staying with ... Nothing came of this that I know of. The Monday after the stolen money incident Jarrod packed his belongings and left the mission premises before breakfast ... he told one of the other residents he was going to New York with his girl friend. Monday evening the mission got a call from the same detective that had originally called regarding the property being sold on Facebook. This time we were informed that there was a situation that involved a dead man, a missing sixteen year old girl, and the dead mans missing pick up truck, and the police wanted to talk to Jarrod, but Jarrod was gone. The next morning The police contacted Olin and told him there was a dead man and his sixteen year old niece was missing and presumed in danger and the pick up truck was missing, and Jarrod was a person of interest. Jarrod's cell phone number was obtained from one of the residents and given to the police. Jarrod is a big boy, I say boy because he is only twenty and does not have the maturity of a man ... But he is big ... I would guess about 325 lbs or so ... and strong as an ox ... I never had any problems with Jarrod ... He would listen to me. But if he was to get mad ... I would not want to be on the receiving end. Yesterday evening it was on the local TV news about the dead man and the missing girl ... but no other details were being released ... This morning it was in the local paper ... I don't know what all the facts are, but it would seem Jarrod is facing some serious problems ... at the very least being twenty with a sixteen year old statutory rape ... and who knows about the rest ... Charles Perry is a young man I would guess in his early twenties, thin, healthy but not very muscular, wears a basketball jersey and shorts half down his ass ... and appears lanky and slow. He was checked in the other night ... he was just paroled from prison and staying at the mission is a part of the parole conditions. He has little choice but to stay at the mission, he has a full time job that works him seven days a week and pays eleven dollars and hour, and after work has to go to NA meetings ... The kicker is he does not see a single dollar of what he earns through his work ... child support and reparations takes everything he makes. Olin's reaction when he first saw his work schedule was pretty hard, but as Olin learned the details Olin loosened up and gave the boy a little leeway. Olin will not loosen up too much, and I understand why ... there are jerks here who will play every angle and take advantage of anything they can ... but when there is something legitimate to be considered, allowance is given. Charles was down at the desk Tuesday morning, looking for Wendall to take care of phoning his boss about being late for work ... Wendall was sympathetic but made him take care of his own business ... Wendall asked me how I thought he handled it ... I told him I would have been harder ... Charles reminded me of one of my younger sons ... As we were raising the kids we were more attentive and strict with the older ones, and they seemed to accept responsibility for themselves better than the younger ones as a result.

The younger ones had more privileges, were able to get away with things the older ones never could ... and my wife and I were both over taxed with the responsibilities of such a large family and what we were trying to do ,... over achieve is more to the fact ... plain and simple ... we were tired ... and became lax raising he younger kids, and didn't stay on top of things like we used to ... Most of the kids though raised fairly stringent in the Christian faith were given liberty to get out with friends and experience more than just a Christian environment ... The older ones would take the younger to local punk rock shows that went on at local community centers ... One of my boys, Jason, made friends who were into drugs of varying kinds and began experimenting himself ... By the time his mother and I became aware of what he was doing it had already gotten out of control, he began having seizures, hallucinating and several times being taken to the emergency room by the EMT's suffering from the effects of over the counter decongestant capsules opened and the different contents separated and taken in excess to produce an hallucinogenic altered state ... Jason became a child out of control ... It was during one of his hospital stints that I lost all confidence in our family doctor and the emergency room physicians ... From the blood tests done on Jason the decongestant was clearly evident in mass in his system, but the doctors were ignorant of what effects these drugs could have if taken in over dose amounts ... It was my eldest son who found the information on the Internet for us ... But the arrogance and ignorance demonstrated by the medical community in general was just one more nail in the coffin of my own personal loss of faith in the system. It was during this time that our marriage was disintegrating ... Shortly thereafter I was no longer residing with the family. Later that year while I was in Seattle I was informed Jason had been admitted to a Baltimore Psychiatric center for observation ... he was initially diagnosed as schizophrenic, but that was later revised and thought to be wholly the result of his drug usage. I do not have information regarding Jason's current condition ... there's nothing I can do ... it hurts to think about it. Though I waste very little time ... I read considerably, and material that is intellectually stimulating, and I listen to college lectures for hours ... Charles watches 'toons and I listen to college lectures with my headphones ... and though there is a great deal that I get out of these (I sometimes listen to a lecture series a couple times) and the effort will undoubtedly be of benefit ... sometime ... and I do know it causes me to deeper introspection and expands my own writing capabilities, there is only one thing I truly feel good about ... I went through my email today ... I had not checked it since I left Rhode Island ... sinply didn't have access to to until I got online here at the mission last week ... I deleted 14,600 emails that had accumulated ... nothing important ... mostly notices from contacts of my old Multiply account posting nothing important ... then I cleaned up old crap that had accumulated over the years and I was just hanging on to ... for no particular purpose ... but now I have a clean email client and can start using my regular email account again ... 7-16-10 It was on the news tonight, Jarrod Riley and the sixteen year old girl he had taken off with are now wanted for the murder of the girls uncle. 7-18-10 Yesterday Jarrod Riley and the sixteen year old girl were apprehended in Tennessee. Authorities were tracing their use of a food stamp card and examining store video surveillance tapes at one location, and a report came in they were using the card at a nearby location. The authorities then apprehended them at the second location and both made confessions to their involvement in the crime.

A fault I am observing, or believe to observe, of many, if not most, liberal thinking well-to-doers, and this to a lesser or greater degree would probably have included myself, not so long ago, is a belief in the idea that the majority of people have at least a comparable education and spiritual and intellectual insight and capacity as I do ... The assumption being that based on their intellectual and spiritual equality, they exercise their capacities to the best of their abilities and whatever their less than fortunate state may be, it is not their fault, but the fault of a system that fails them and does not make adequate accommodation for their recovery and reintroduction into the system. Now ... there is some truth to this ... I believe the system as a whole ... or at least as it is in the United States, and the dependency on faith based non-profit charity organizations is less than adequate to the aiding of those in need to become reintroduced into the work place, as the system is not well defined and there is no standard of what aid would be most adequate and beneficial, the free market capitalist system being subject to market conditions in continual flux and ever changing. Setting standards and assessing changing need will always be a challenge and without oversight on a grand scale, a virtual impossibility to keep up with. So whatever aid is provided by well meaning though less than informed contributors, is a matter of hit or miss, catch as catch can, and hope that not to many fall through the cracks, trusting God, rather than an educated assessment of the real situation to be dealt with. Thus, as it is, the system fails in meeting the real needs of those finding themselves outside the workable parameters of the system, and just so much more free market waste ... un-needed or unwanted commodity ... possibly, though not necessarily recyclable. That is the system's failure. The fault that pervades among many who would criticize the system is the assumption of the equality of those who find themselves so called victims of the failing system. Equality is an illusion ... an idealistic mass deception. Yes under the law there is a perception of equality, or at least the professed ideal, but as all too many come to realize, the matter of adequate finances becomes the determining factor in making some more equal than others, or ones place in society and the influence that can be garnered through family or friends is worth more than money can buy. And as an ideal, it would seem that a nations resources would be equally distributed to provide an adequate and equal education for all its citizenry. But here again, all too often depressed areas mean educational resources equally depressed, and/or inadequate funds to be allocated for higher education. This would also seem to be another fault of the system, and it is, but the point to be realized here is that there are those who can go on to higher education and those who can't. And even more to the point, even when there are not adequate resources, those who can't ... give into the idea that there is nothing they can do and surrender ... give up so to speak. And this surrender to what is perceived as the inevitable fate to remain at the bottom becomes the mantra of the proverbial loser. The victim becomes victimized by their own thinking. And ones thinking leads to lifestyle. And lifestyle ... whether it be, laziness, uncooperativeness, rebelliousness, drugs or alcohol and such, all exercised in relation to authority, the powers that be and established rules of order, becomes the determinative factor ... establishing a cycle of inability to manage ones life within the system. Besides these factors that can be controlled, there is the possible intellectual inability to adequately function in a complex society, thus being one more inequity to be recognized and dealt with. No ... we are not all equal ... some is the fault of ourselves ... some the fault of the system ... and some just the way it is. But we are not all equal. And the less than equal will always suffer for their state, and some could overcome it, if they applied themselves ... most do not. All these factors considered, finding and placing blame for the failure of either the system or the perceived victims of the system would seem to be an impossibility. It would seem to me it is a matter of what kind of a society do we want to live in. Are we willing to face the realities of all the respective failures of our culture? Both corporate and individual? I don't think we are, but what is the alternative,

especially considering that the nature of the free market capitalistic system is to become more and more corporate and bottom line focused and less and less individual and people focused. How many more victims or social losers are we willing or able to accommodate? And the institutions that deal with these, are we to continue to rely of the generosity of people without an adequate oversight or accounting of the resources poured into them. How long are we going to rely on God to be the judge of what has been mandated to us to be the caretakers of? How can we possibly exercise this mandate if we are not adequately educated to the reality of the situation, including details of the operations of the institutions we rely on to meet the need and the economic system that we place our trust in and assume as being of divine origin? If as Christians we are to grow in Christ, does this not mean accepting the responsibility for the mandate and not to remain in our ignorance and bliss? I am not an Orthodox Christian ... but I understand Christianity ... Orthodox and otherwise ... I have been searching for answers for a long time ... answers to questions the Church does not really want to deal with ... facing issues that exist and like most of the system that has evolved, evolved in ways that are not necessarily adequate to the need, or of a divine origin, or obviously tainted by the effects of less than nobler interests. And Christian or not, what is our responsibility in relationship to these things? I started writing this with a number of residents who have been coming through the mission lately in mind. Differing backgrounds and situations ... parolee's, drug users, a father and son, some with psychological and mental problems, drunks, and those for whatever reason, just not dealing with life. As much as I have criticized aspects of the system and in particular the mission, there are some who can not be helped, they do not want to help themselves. These, though few stay very long, do make up a larger number than those who stabilize, adapt and slowly progress, though economically not near fast enough for most ... but this is a situation that is more of a national issue and not just a mission problem. Some, mostly younger men, some newly released from the penal system have attitude problems, and some no doubt will end up back in jail. A few, as they begin to relate to older more stable residents have a fighting chance. There are some who have made a lifestyle of doing the homeless shelter circuit, these I have no respect for, and if it comes with an attitude ... they wind up on a hit list ... to be watched and dismissed as may be possible within the published rules of the mission. And, though I do not think this applies to all ... any religion that can be used to keep these in line, if it works, is better than no religion at all ... and if preaching is he way they want to do it ... as long as I don't have to be at every chapel service ... do your worst ... Working midnights and sleeping when I can, I don't have to be at every evening and Sunday afternoon chapels any more ... being on the desk does have its rewards. My perception of the mission has been evolving as I have stayed here, observed, and taken on new responsibilities. Not that every attitude and conceptualization has changed, but my perspective has broadened ... and with this broadening an understanding of the reasoning and why some things are done the way they are, and some attitudes and commiserate actions of those in charge are what they are. This is not a blanket acceptance and endorsement of every attitude and action, but rather an understanding and recognition that under the same circumstances I would quite possibly resort to the same methods should other options not present themselves. My prior experience dealing with people was primarily as a business manager of a name brand service station doing automobile repairs in an extremely affluent neighborhood of the Washington D.C. area. I dealt with employees, my employer, other local businessmen and businesses and my customers were members of the higher echelons of government, their aides, family, foreign dignitaries, locals, and generally those who in some capacity related to the United States federal government. Many of my customers were higher business executives of national and international corporations who located themselves in the D.C. area in order to do business with the federal government. Numerous national

news figures frequented my business and on several occasions I found myself on the local news as weather events would shut down the town or gas prices were soaring through the stratosphere. I was particular happy with the rapport I had with those of the academic community, professors from Georgetown and American Universities. The churches I attended were pastored by men of a higher intellectual frame, and though not formally educated myself I acquired a natural tendency to educate myself. In years to come the churches I attended were those frequented by members of the scientific community working in conjunction with the military on what I then and now consider questionable application as well as cancer research and investigations into terrorist chemical threats. My point here is not to demonstrate my own accomplishments, but rather to reveal the type of people I found myself in relation to and found myself as a part of their community. For the most part there was a sense of class or level of social responsibility or accomplishment that pervaded the mind-set of the community. Life was to be grasped and made what it could be, and the high regard for education as a means towards accomplishing ones calling or task at hand was more or less taken as a given. The exception to this was in regard to religious values and issues, and this is where I found my most resistance as I was a perpetual Bible student, though not through the auspices of any denomination or accredited organization. I was an independent scholar, I had been taught the methods and tools that where necessary to accomplish the deeper investigations that I would eventually find myself engrossed in as I explored and searched for answers which too many in the religious community either side stepped or found solace in the off the shelf patent answers to. If it didn't click inside of me, as reasonable as it may have been argued, if it was merely a matter of because the book says so, I was not satisfied. I have always had the utmost respect for the Bible as my primary resource, but what I had continually found was that as the Christian faith had been developing into a formidable entity in relation to the other social systems we rely on, it was evolving based on compromise after compromise, and later precepts founded upon questionable or contextually limited edicts or less than substantive absolutes established an institution that, though culturally entrenched and authoritative, had diverged from the deeper more spiritual and mystical aspects expressed in the actual words of the man who is the presumed focus of the faith. Christ had been lost in the religion of the Church, and religion, though claiming a spiritual foundation, had become politics ... politics of a literal and less than scholastic understanding of the Word ... The word ... logos ... of God had been usurped by the Word of God and limited to the jot and tittle black and white literal and contextually limited disposition of men assuming a faith and spirituality constrained by their own understanding or lack thereof. Now, through the course of life, I had become separated from the Church, experienced separation and divorce from my wife of thirty-two years, estranged from my children, traveled back and forth across the country, lost or had to sell virtually everything, found myself homeless and at the mercy of whatever the rest of life had to throw at me. I lived with another musician joining our talents and dreaming of what we both knew was possible, but due to more dream than substance and states of mind less than rational and credulous, trust was lost and life again went up in smoke ... The actual details of this time I have written about elsewhere, and may include in another installment. But now I was on the road ... literally ... A pick-up truck, a few possessions and less than $200 ... December thirty-first, New Years Eve ... heading west ... or any place away from what had become more nightmare than hope for the future. There were those who cared, someplace, someone loves and cares for me ... there is someone I have grown to care for and she expressed her affections for me ... head west ... what other real option was there ... go as far as I can ... figure it out on the way ... do what

you got to do ... The events of this time and following I have well documented and will not repeat here ... but now pick up where it has all led me. I arrived in Terre Haute Indiana January 6, 2010 and here checked in to the Lighthouse Mission. In time I became a desk man. It is the desk men that carryout the actual lower level management of the mission operations. We are the ones closest to the residents and their affairs and maintain order and see to it that what needs to happen ... happens. The position may be thought of as both revered and reviled, depending on ones relationship to and circumstances one may be confronted by a desk man about. Desk men may be your friend or the cop watching your next move, the guy who keeps you out of trouble or kicks your ass out ... though we may not agree with all the rules, we will uphold them ... sometimes we will let things slide, or issue a warning ... and at others may come down with the full force of our authority ... For the most part we don't want to be a part of any friction or disturbance, but we will deal with whatever it is that needs dealt with ... Sometimes we are counselors, at others ... the prick cussing you out and kicking your ass into gear ... we won't be fucked with ... Desk men are no different than anyone else ... there are saints and sinners ... Some have had less than stellar tours of duty ... some have been real rascals ... We have our issues with life just like any other resident ... some continue to struggle with these ... but for the most part a desk man cares ... cares about those who find themselves getting life's short end of the stick and about keeping a lot of screwed up people functioning in some sort of cooperative so that the mission can exist and we have beds to sleep in and food to eat ... It doesn't just happen ... we aren't owed a damn thing ... but we can work together and get a job done that keeps us all off the streets ... It isn't a perfect life, a hell of a long ways from it ... but for those of us who have lost everything it sure beats the alternative ... Now, I find myself working with and managing a class of people far from the over achievers I had once had relation to. That is not to demean their character, but to recognize there are persons who learn and work and apply themselves to accomplish goals in life that for the common person would only be a pipe dream. Advantages of education and connection do lead some into situations that the vast majority could not even ever dream of. The common folk and the less advantaged far outnumber the relative few who may find themselves working and living in the shadows of our highest institutions. It is these common folk screwed over and under achievers that I now find mutual concern for life and what can be garnered from it. Most are good people just needing a better break and a hand to help them up, some are psychologically or mentally challenged, and some are fuck ups the circumstances creating such to varied to cover, but these are the losers, the troublemakers, the attitudes that infect the well being and spirit of the rest wanting to make their best effort. It is these that are primary to my own readjustment of my once liberal egalitarian ideals ... Not everyone is created equal ... and some make it harder for the rest to realize their highest potential... Among the residents are those who are willing, able, some health issues, no problems, have been here before, avoids work, makes excuse to get out of it, loud and obnoxious, I expect a confrontation if he is around for any length of time, does not talk to anyone, keeps to himself, works at mission store, works well, not sure what his issues are, but does not bother anyone, checked in last week, being trained to help in kitchen, may work out well, but there is some attitude, spent 12 years in penitentiary, checked in last week, been here before, lazy, does the homeless circuit, he is the one person I would have kicked out had I been a desk man when he was here before, been here almost as long as me, former high school English teacher , very timid, had to be taught to wash and shower regularly, volunteers a lot, intelligent, has sleeping disorder, a friend, former drug user, attends NA, Bi-Polar but on meds, Good worker, a friend, rebellious, pushes the limits of what he can get away with, but will submit to authority he respects if he feels it is given given, waiting to go into the army, family issues, troubled young man, good worker, a friend, nut case, was here before, went bonkers, mostly harmless,

but when he goes off, goes off bad, does well when on meds, a nice guy, works well, get along well with him, quiet, works little, don't know him well, some health issues, sleeps on floor, volunteers, no ambition or initiative, nice guy, I wrote about him, was slipped a mickey that affected his mind, uses a walker former marine, boxer, this guy can't work, but has more spirit and will to live than most any here, I like him well, had an attitude when he was here before, that has softened, good worker, volunteers, some psych issues requiring meds, getting along better with him, Some health issue keeps him from work requiring lifting, avoids working too hard, did some prison time, mechanic, a bit of an attitude, but I get along with him, walks 10 miles to and from school works hard, volunteers, I get along well with him, the kind of guy I will go out of my way to look after his interests, had been here before, became frustrated, I have a lot of respect for him, broke his hand while away, good worker, he is just about everything about religion I hate, gigolo, sees himself as doing god's work, can work 'when he wants to', gets an attitude and gets lazy,this is his third or forth stint at the mission, will work when forced, no ambition, easy going attitude, Has done some prison time, meth head, going to NA, works well, volunteers, I get along ell with him, easy going old black man, volunteers but declining health, easy to like him, father and son (14) just recently checked in, too soon to know, works at job a lot, to soon to see how he will work our over the long haul, recently dismissed, punk attitude, I will write more about him later, this kid was a troublemaker, a good worker can become emotionally overwhelmed, get along well with the family, No ID's, may not be married, may not be allowed to stay waiting for interview with Olin. This is a composite picture of what may be character attributes of any selection of residents at any and no particular time ... There is NO typical ... but there is an inordinate amount of less than desirable attributes that find their way into the picture. The current line up of staff-aides (including deskmen) adds up like this: spent twenty years in prison for armed robbery and shooting a man, is diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, highly medicated, somewhat insecure, a good friend of mine, he has a beautiful heart, not a long time resident but was promoted to be cook when his predecessor came back from work drunk and could not perform his duties and was dismissed, very jovial, a big man, with a prior drug problem, goes to NA/AA meetings and is becoming involved in church activities, I do not always trust his judgment, though I have no reason not to trust him, has been here a while and is one of the primary workers in the drive through, has some problem with his arm which causes him a great deal of pain and cannot use this arm, he is going to the VA hospital to get this taken care of, dependable, good man, former truck driver drafted into the laundry and in charge by default, not a great deal of ambition, but gets the job done, he and I sit at lunch regularly, and he will make sure I have the bed set ups as they may be needed, former truck driver lost his job and ability to get a truck driving job due to an accident and insurance coverage denied, good dependable worker, always on call to drive the missions trucks, has more common sense than a lot of residents here but also has a temper problem which he does control well, though he may internalize too much and then things build up, laundry worker, accepts virtually no responsibility, never volunteers, quiet, reclusive, constantly watches, cartoons, wrestling, and womens programs and occasionally some music shows and sports, I have difficulty understanding what he is doing in a staff aide room, speaks very little English, does virtually any odd job around the mission that needs done, excellent worker, gets along well with everyone, former desk man but has a poor attitude concerning his position as a desk man, took pleasure in getting residents dismissed for 72 hours, was made a part time maintenance man but is a poor worker, very poor skills working with a team or coordinating a crew, Now currently works in the drive through, long time store worker, given staff aide privileges because of his tenure, dependability and ability, very easy man to get along with, desk man, came here in March, former bank VP, computer programmer, college educated, was married and has two grown sons, on his own spiritual journey, not as knowledgeable about the scriptures or spiritual alternatives, but is a serious thinker and willing and able to entertain and consider ideas outside his own, a classic liberal, in some respects I think he is nave ... and of course there is myself, but my issues have been

well documented throughout this book. There are a lot that come in for a day or so and are gone, too many to keep accurate track of. A lot of family units come in, may stay one night or less and emotional issues overcome them and they are gone ... usually the wife who cannot handle it ... some end up living in their cars, some make it to family... There are a few other third floor residents that contribute to the functioning of the mission, but as third floor residents they have their own apartments that are extremely small and they may come and go as they please. Their movements are not monitored as they pay rent and have demonstrated long time reliability. My issues with the mission are primarily religious I have written about these previously ... To my mind it is a joke, and ultimately counterproductive to the need at hand The essential preaching of the Orthodox gospel as it is conceived and presented is depressing and to any half way educated and knowledgeable person a farce. Yet considering the general low level of education and intellectual acuteness I have observed I am beginning to understand the idea that there are differing levels of spiritual comprehension and even the Nietzsche idea of there being a religion of the lower classes or working/slave mentality and that of the superior elitist class capable of comprehending higher concepts and truth. By this I do not wish to imply a justification of harmful or destructive methods, but rather a relative application where discernment is possible and the ability of the more spiritually exercised and astute. This may include sexual liberties and or the need to manage others for their own good, yet without infringing on the rights and liberties of another. It would imply that not all knowledge need be made public knowledge as some are not able to assimilate, digest and make use of it in a productive and positive way. Yet such exercise of spiritual discernment is not to be construed as a selfish license to do your own thing regardless of others, but rather a recognition that all things are pure to those who are pure, and to the man (or woman) of god they that be in relation to the divine knowledge and understanding there is no law written that is binding except that which the divine has written in the hearts of those able to perceive it and live it. This is a great spiritual responsibility, and there are few who can conceive and live it. Yet, it is true and real, and to my own thinking it takes a man and a woman mutually understanding and committed to each other to guard each other from the potential misuse and abuse of this reality. We can live and experience what it is of us that is this divine nature, but as creatures of the flesh and bound in a material dimension, we may just as easily be captivated and controlled by the pleasures of the flesh, rather than celebrating our spiritual nature and innate divinity through it. It is a subtle difference, but one that determines whether we are slaves to our passions or masters and celebrants in and through them. This description of a liberating spirituality should not be construed as my complete explanation or assessment; this is only the tip of the ice berg. But this may be understood as representative of the liberty and freedom that is the human beings as essentially divine in nature and not primarily the subject of any written code. Yet, it must be understood that the written code does serve a spiritual function and is binding to any and all not endowed with the spiritual gifting, and not conceived in the limited aspects of the carnal mind. By carnal I do not mean sensual, but rather material, flesh centered and based. In all things the care and concern of ones self and others simultaneously is the root of the law. Violating the rights of another is a violation of the law, both the written code, and the spiritual law realized in ones heart. ---Addendum: Charley Smith, 24, was put out of the mission on Saturday for reconnecting TVs that were disconnected as a disciplinary matter. There were other issues besides the TV incident, but Charley had

an attitude problem and essentially defied any authority. He was out of jail on parole and doing virtually anything he could that would violate his parole. He is what might be thought of as the proverbial con man He was allowed back into the mission today. At supper this evening he was essentially trying to suck up to me. I was friendly enough, but not dumb enough to buy all his crap. A short while later Bill Oldman and I were talking about him and I told Bill, I would start over as if it were a clean slate, he had his punishment, now see how he responds. There have been several in the mission complaining about Charleys attitude and making statements behind the backs of those in authority, including those he works with. I told Bill, We dont have to look for anything to get Charley on. Give him enough rope and he will hang himself. Tonight Bill was talking to Charley, and as Bill was doing his duties, he caught Charley stealing prescription drugs that a resident had bought earlier and turned in to the desk for safe keeping. Charley tried to weasel his way out of it, but it was undeniable. Olin was called in and the police were called. Charley was beginning to act peculiar as he was getting his possessions together. Olin was going to call an ambulance when the police arrived. The police got a confession out of Charley and he was arrested and supposed to be taken to the hospital for testing and observation. Charley is now dismissed and under arrest. Bill feels like a dupe for his naivet having trusted Charley and being taken in by the con. The thing is, as Bill observed, less than two hours prior I was predicting it. I just didnt expect it so fast and hard.

Chapter Six Dreams, Insights and Philosophies

3-15-10 A lot of times we hold attitudes that we think are not the most noble ... we all do it. But if really considered in a new or fresh light may in fact be the highest of our ideals and expression of our deepest truest being and desire. ... Simply because it is a selfish desire does not make it wrong or ignoble ... Desires are placed in our hearts by whatever it is that is the divine ... god ... It is true there are one sided selfish desires and we can focus on these and can be very destructive and disruptive to the lives of others ... Desire the best for another ... and desiring another for ourselves (selfish if you want to call it that) is not a bad thing ... I think in many cases that until anyone can realize a selfish desire (not just an egotistic lust but a desire borne deep inside of us) it is difficult if not impossible to truly give oneself to another in a selfless manner. Selfishness if it is that deep in both and not demanding but giving is a spiritual seed trying to grow in two lives drawn to each other ... 3-19-10 I had a dream last night ... it is still vivid in my mind ... I had dreamed portions of it before ... it is a beautiful dream ... more a fairytale or fantasy ... and as I have been learning ... a personal myth ... A myth to help me see into the realities of mind and creation my egoic conscious struggles with ... result of the pollution of ideas and mental conditioning imposed by society and culture. But it was more complete and clear than ever before ... The Artist and the Miner: A Personal Myth I dreamed of traveling the north country ... the Northern Forests ... a land extending from New Foundland across the northern rim of Canada ... Hudson's Bay ... The Northern Rockies ... the Yukon and Alaska .. and down to the Pacific Northwest ... and across the northern border of the States to the lake region of Wisconsin and Minnesota. A land traversed and portaged over rivers and lakes and dense primordial forests ... a land of gnomes and elves ... and trolls and woodland faeries ... wolves and critters ... elk and bear ... eagles and spirits ... the noble and demonic alike. A land where holiday and vacation are made and sought after and where nightmare and terror reside ... all in the same place ... or at least the same dimension ... It's borders are illuminated ... and it's towns and cities (though population can hardly consider any such) are beacons of civilization ... enclaves of collective civil consciousness ... whether to be considered progress or an intrusion into the reality that exists beyond the definitions of constrained and well categorized natural human senses ... the ones we can all measure in our material state of being ... all this is yet to be determined and objective analysis simply is not to be considered reliable ... here in the world of the North ... the land yet unspoiled ... at least ... in my dream. We ventured into this land ... my wife and I. I was elated ... she ... apprehensive ... but willing. We sought out a town and outfitter and made our preparations ... Over the waters and farther north ... deeper into the forest and higher into the mountains .... we were looking for an artist and the place where her art could only be displayed ... This was not an adventure for the faint hearted or any easily discouraged by the rigors or hard sustained exertion required to get to this wilderness gallery. We went high into the mountains ... above the tree line ... looking down over valleys and forests ... as it

were dropping before our feet ... thousands of feet below ... The rock walls of the mountain were craggy ... sharp edges ... narrow foot ways ... twisting and turning ... leading down and across the face of the mountain ... to slight ledge ... to one side to look up at the artists creations ... and on the other to look down onto the forest deep below. I can not say what I saw in these artists depictions ... painted on the wall of the mountain ... The artist moved along the wall ... and up and down the paths ... knowing each rock and foot hold ... like a mountain goat ... able to leap from rock to rock ... no doubts ... it was her home and she knew it well. I wondered, how does one see these images that are there but can not be seen? ... I was directed to the forest below ... I was intrigued ... I wanted to go ... My wife did not ... she had seen enough ... I descended the mountain into the forest valley ... My wife stayed behind ... I saw her no more. I continued down and into the forest ... a companion accompanied me though I did not know him well and he was quiet but had attached himself to me. We walked deeper into the darkness ... the light of day obscured by the trees around and above us. Little light was able to get through, only an occasional ray piercing the shadows like a knife and warming a small and isolated patch of green. The ground was boggy ... damp ... not from rain ... but rot ... dead and dying ... decaying wood ... cracking beneath our feet ... soft and crunching as we walked ... We found ourselves in a dark hollow ... what appeared to be a path leading up and away. As we walked we were attended by the voices of the unknown ... but feminine ... telling us of those who had become lost and searched for, not to be found again ... these guided us ... warning us to stay close and take heed ... don't wander off ... We became disoriented ... something had startled us ... we found ourselves on separate but parallel paths along the foot of the mountain ... The voices then yelled to us this way ... and we turned and followed the path back up and around to the path that we had originally come to. I ran up this path ... my companion followed a hundred yards or so behind ... I ran ... and jumped over a beaver along the way ... the voice close behind me speaking to me saying pay it no mind ... I continued to run ... looking back occasionally ... and I noticed ... the voice I had been listening to was taking form ... she was beautiful ... young and fair ... a delight to look at ... a voice that captivated me ... and nothing about her was out of place. I was taken by her and had interest in little else but her. As we ascended the hill and was reaching a plateau the denseness of the forest was diminishing and we reached a clearing ... To the left was farmland with stalks of what appeared to be corn ... not quite ... but near time to harvest. We stopped to rest next to a lone tree ... Then I noticed the second voice that had accompanied us was there ... another young woman ... but she was tired ... worn out ... supported by a cross ... and could not speak ... I asked, Maybe we are speaking the wrong language ... does anyone one speak French or Spanish? ... The voice I had become enamored with by her beauty and charm began to speak ... French I believe ... and spoke to the second voice and she responded ... She was regaining her energy and began to feel better ... My companion stayed with her. We heard the sound of something coming out of the forest after us ... we became startled and hurried into the corn and hid ourselves ... watching to see what should be there ... A cart and a woman ... maybe an angel ... an elf like creature ... but she stopped ... she knew where we were ... and spoke to us in our hiding ... You must be going, don't stop here, they are still following you. I took the hand of the voice who had become my feminine counterpart ... my lady ... and we ran down

the other side of the hill ... this was not forested but clear land ... We were approaching a housing development ... so out of place for this region ... We began to walk into the development ... it was new ... some homes were not yet completed ... some ... families occupied ... but it was not a thing to be expected here ... it did not seem right ... we walked on ... I remembered being here before ... but it was not here ... it was someplace else ... I could not remember where though ... At the far end of he development ... where the roads ended, was the entrance to what appeared to be a man made cave or mine. We were drawn to it ... Holding my ladies hand ... we entered it ... We found ourselves tumbling down a spiral-like chute ... music was playing ... I believe it was Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire ... When we came to the end we were in a cave ... there were a lot of wooden boxes stacked all around and some old wooden tables and various kinds of electric equipment ... There was an old gentleman ... scruffy ... but not offensive ... bespectacled ... and attentive to his work ... The boxes contained old glass tubes ... the type once used in older radios, amplifiers and electronic equipment. These tubes had gold components ... connectors and plates ... small ... but if salvaged carefully could render a valuable resource to the one willing to invest the time and effort ... I began to realize that the old miner and the artist were related ... She was the voice that he had heard and hearkened to and fell in love with ... he harvested ... salvaged ... and she took of his efforts and created ... 5-1-10 ... it is more than think ... I know ... ... I know that sounds awful presumptuous and arrogant ... but it is true ... I do know how to live and exist in a spiritual plane and have been practicing and exercising greater means and efforts to be and do and eventually accomplish what it is I am and will be ... It's not some hokey-pokey voodoo kind of thing, but it is a spiritual discipline that eventually is no longer a practice or exercise, it is a way of life ... an attitude and psychic-spiritual way of thinking and living ... It's not freaky ... it has become natural ... the what and way that I am ... And I think it is something that I have been developing for many years, even without knowing I was doing it ... but can see the results ... and can connect the dots ... Many in the past who have accomplished this would have been referred to as mystics or even prophets though there are differences, and most unknowing, undisciplined, unenlightened might conjure up all kinds of ideas and mis-perceptions out of ignorance ... I know ... It almost sounds like a fantasy ... a dream ... it can't be true ... but it is ... And that's why I'm called crazy ... In a manner of speaking, it is the reliving the life and experience of Jesus (known as Christ) and Mary Magdeline ... and someday I will tell you their story ... It is told that miracles happened as they made love ... I can believe it ... 5-5-10 ... in our ignorance and distortions of what humanity is and how we function, humankind lives (for the most part) in a divided nature ... not knowing themselves or their relation to creation and all that is ... spiritual or material. But in our unconscious being there exists a feminine (for a man) and a masculine (for a woman) counterpart of our natural sexual identity ... I.e . I am a man, in my unconscious exists my feminine nature (anima), essentially the opposite or compliment of my outer masculine identity ... the same holds true for women ... You are a woman ... in your unconscious exists your masculine nature (animus), essentially the opposite or compliment of your outer feminine identity ... These are unconscious qualities that rarely manifest except in times of the most agitated personal mental or emotional disruption ... but they are there and very real. What happens often, when we recognize what is this inner unconscious nature (that is our anima/animus) in another we are attracted to that which is already a part of us ... We project what is part of our being realized in the person of the one we fall in

love with ... I.E. I know you and you know me because we have already known each other in ourselves ... And coming to know each other in person, by communicating with each other, experiencing the pleasures of love, and the difficulties, frustrations and all is all part of coming to know ourselves ... we know ourselves better in the deepest realities of who we are as we learn of and through each other ... And the greatest pleasure and satisfaction may actually be the helping each other understand them selves ... I have been a student, researcher, amateur scholar investigating spiritual things and truth for a good long while, and have expanded that investigation well beyond Orthodox thought considerably for the past four years or more ... Gnostic, Eastern philosophies (Tao, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc), Wicca, paganism, Druidism, various European myths, Egyptian, Greek, Mesopotamian, New Age, Quantum Physics, and some investigation into Native American Shamanism ... and maybe a few others (Atlantis and UFOs) ... as well as Jungian depth psychology ... Through all of this I proceed with one basic presumption, that being Whatever it is that is the 'divine' is guiding me and teaching me and bringing to my attention that which I need to apprehend and prepare me to take the next step ... more than anything I suppose a simple matter of faith ... but it is more than faith. It is a matter of having experienced some of what might be described as undeniable manifestations of what would most logically be considered the divine, though other explanations may be feasible they do not take into full account all aspects of the experience ... a steady and increasing experience of what has been referred to as synchronisities, accusal simultaneous occurrences manifesting as both psychic and material experience without any causal link between the two or more manifestations ... The experience of trusting inner psychic impressions and having them confirmed by the parties involved ... These and other such ... having experienced these on a more regular basis and taking the chance to express these inner feelings ... impressions ...intuitions ... I find that they occur or at least I become all the more aware of them more regularly ... Jesus (the Christ) and Mary Magdalene ... also others regarding the relation of the divine feminine goddesses to gods and hero's, but particularly the Gnostic understanding of Christ and Magdalene, this Christ/Magdalene relationship is also considered to be a cosmic manifestation or expression of the myth of Sophia or the Pistis Sophia ... Sophia (Wisdom) being an emanation of the divine and the consort of God/Christ ... The myth tells of her becoming distant from the center of the divine and as she gets farther away births a demiurge or false creator god and becomes ensnared in the gross matter of the demiurge and his archons (cosmic rulers) ... Christos (the cosmic Christ) is manifest to set her free from the powers of the ignorance engendered by the false god, the demiurge ... This is myth and not intended to be conceived as literal ... but the power of myth is that it can contain and convey many different levels of truth to each individual depending on their particular level of ability to conceive and receive ... On sociological levels it can convey information concerning society, culture and mans inter relations ... on psychological levels it can convey understanding of our inner unconsciousness ... In other relations it may express parallels in relations between individuals ... particularly male and female ... masculine and feminine ... Some might think I am over applying this potential, but from what I have garnered from my own studies, I don't think so. Especially considering that there are many different spiritual and psychological aspects that come into play and it is actually a matter of recognizing what fits and what doesn't ... not all relations and situations are the same and as many individuals as there are, there are just as many correlating possibilities ... the secret ... if it is a secret ... and it is to the uninitiated ... is to be sensitive to the spiritual and psychic impressions one has and learn to exercise them and progressively trust them as one learns what works and what doesn't ... spiritual and psychic sensitivity ... More recently I have found this coming through my reading ... A short while back I was reading or re-reading a lot of Jungian depth psychology ... Jung considered the Gnostics as the ancient precursors to modern psycho analytics ... I.e. Their myths and systems were not so much keys to the god of creation but rather insights into the human condition and psyche ... I.e. To know ones self is to know god ... I am currently reading two books The Fall of Sophia A Gnostic text on the Redemption of Universal Consciousness (this includes the Pistis Sophia) and The Gnostic Gospels of Jesus, this a collection of about 16 ancient Gnostic scriptures condemned as

heretical by the early Orthodox Church ... but these are interesting in that they speak of a great deal more concerning human relations and the divine than what will be found in the Bible alone ... and yes ... certainly in a new light from what you might perceive as Christian .. 5-12-10 I mentioned that my life was essentially very little different than that of a monk ... except I did drink some wine and occasional beer and a bit of weed ... though I think it can be substantiated fairly easily that none of this are what any could consider problem vices ... Well ... that monk lifestyle really isn't change to much ... except that there is no wine ... and no beer ... and for God's sake no weed ... though from some that pass through here I have no doubt it could be obtained ... though I have taken NO religious vows ... and I for Gods sake will never consider celibacy as an option ... I live a pretty monkish life ... No drinkin', drugin' or runnin' around chasin' the women ... And you know that there is not a problem with an ability to both desire and perform sexually ... But I do have some inner thing that keeps me focused on that one woman ... I am not the most socially adapted person in the world ... Oh ... I'm not a klutz ... but I am not one to be comfortable in situations that focuses attention on me ... On stage ... that is a different matter ... but in casual social things, I am a wall flower ... kinda like, though not a extreme, as the old Simon and Garfunkel song, I Am A Rock ... I have my books ... ... but that's not to say that I can't hold my own in an intellectual exchange of ideas ... 5-14-10 Nothing much going on today ... a long boring rainy Saturday ... If I had my other computer there are hundreds of Giga-bytes of stuff to occupy my mind ... lectures ... pdf books ... all kinds of shit ... still no Internet ... but educational and research resources ... so I read what I have ... some I had not before ... these Gnostic texts ... some interesting ... some really weird or cryptic ... either way ... beyond me ... But there is considerable that I have found refreshing ... and confirming of things I already innately understand ... And some things I would no doubt take issue with ... Of the many things that I have found affinity to is the equal status regarding the feminine/masculine ... man and woman ... male and female ... relationship ... There is no paternalistic bias ... Of course ... I'm sure ... there could be those who would bend things to fit their own prejudice ... but then again ... there is a reason these scriptures were excluded and declared heretical ... But there is a perspective and a conception that totally turns the whole Orthodox interpretation of the Genesis fall into sin Topsy-turvy ... The serpent is a Christ figure ... Eve is the divine feminine I.E. Adam's spiritual consciousness ... the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is the key to Gnosis ... knowledge ... to set us free from the dominion of the Demiurge the imperfect false creator god of material reality ... by partaking of the divine knowledge and wisdom afforded to us as endowed with the spark of divinity ... hidden and beyond the perception of the lessor ignorant emanation of the dark side ... Sounds rather Star-Warish ... but Lukas did get it from someplace ... The point being we ... male and female ... are equally divine and express our divine nature in differing though compatible and complimentary ways ... and we need each other ... 6-13 I have spent most of my life being what it is that pleases everyone else ... And in these last several years it could be said that I have been searching for myself ... and allowing myself to explore the possibilities ... inside and outside of my being ... expanding my mind and thinking, entertaining virtually every possibility and theory of metaphysical understanding and spiritual, religious and psychological conception of what is my self ... contemporary and ancient ideas and notions all looking into depths of being supposed to unravel the mystery of who I am ... And what have I found? ... I have found that

apart from my relation to the one I love I will never come to understand myself ... and the quest to know the self is more often than not the mantra of those who can not or do not comprehend or allow themselves to embrace who and what they are as sexual human beings ... a man as a man and a woman as a woman ... created and manifested as masculine and feminine ... differing in nature yet finding fulfillment in the union of the two ... but so often distorted to the point of perversion, one dominating and subjugating the other in egocentric contortions, twisted by cultural and social values out of character with the true cosmological nature of what is human ... I am a man ... I am made ... by god or whatever it is to love one woman ... I don't need or want more ... Yet ... until I find and know her for who she is ... I am not constrained ... but will allow myself to look ... to enjoy ... and to take pleasure in the ones who take pleasure in me ... and when I love ... and find myself with her ... I will be the man that I am ... desiring sexual passion and attraction ... wrapped around each other in a heart beat ... and simply enjoying the glow and afterglow that proceeds and follows this ... this is the Eros we delight in and ultimately want to rest in and cum together ... This is the aspect of love we want to know will be there and last ... but it is also the aspect of love that is the most fleeting as it is not grounded in a depth of human nature that transcends the physical ... It can and may be expressive of what is the transcendent nature of love but it is not the transcendent agape that arises from the depths within us and secures our lower passions to the object of our love ... even as we lust for each other, growing in this deeper aspect and experience of love that gives both what it is that causes a commitment to the other to be more than just a verbal mental assent ... but is the glue that gives Eros meaning ... lasting ... each experiencing different things ... life's situations that are continuing to mold us ... through these one does not fall away or leave the other ... but will continue to grow together ... Like two vines growing up a wall entangling together with each other so that in time the one can not be distinguished from the other ... I discriminate ... I do not sell myself short ... but what pleases me ... and may please mutually ... another ... the potential ... I want her ... my lady ... a full ... sexually capable ... uninhibited ... but discriminating. 6-17-10 What does it mean to find ones self ... The nearest I have been able to gather from all the many spiritual readings I have done is that it is to find the place of ones bliss or that which may be defined comparable. ... But what does it mean? ... And what is it that you assume that determines whether I or you or any other has found themselves? ... I can only attest that I am content where I am ... doing what I am doing ... I do not seek or desire more in the way of recognition except that to be financially more secure would not be undesirable ... but it is not a real issue or reason to be dissatisfied with my life ... Along with that, to be able to enjoy the company and presence of the lady I love is the only thing I feel in want of ... Now ... having said that ... I do not expect to remain here ... in the mission ... indefinitely ... Life evolves ... some things I believe are worth holding on to as they are found valuable and meaningful to ones being ... the ones we love ... Not necessarily the same situations, but deeper intimacies as they can be experienced ... These I believe we all seek and hope for ... it is intrinsic to who and what we are as human beings ... running from something ... or is it to something? ... I do not deny there are things from my past ... that I am uncomfortable with ... I am not running from them ... but neither am I compelled to reveal my situation at present ... Yes ... there is considerable pain and guilt that I carry and I want to address all of this ... I'm not sure I can do it without the support of someone I know who loves me ... Just a simple fact of who I am ... it is a matter of love and trust. Just to love me is not enough ... but I must trust in that love ...

6-24-10 I know I am different in some ways from a lot of men ... not gay or anything like that ... and I have found I have a brain and have spent some years developing it ... almost covertly ... and sometimes it has pissed off more than a few, not expecting the questions and challenges I posed ... But it certainly hasn't amounted to much in the way of finance and security ... and that seems to be the measure that our culture and society assess value from ... 6-27-10 I hate it when I am too tired to comprehend my reading, that has been happening a lot lately, since I went on midnights ... but catching up on sleep is like heaven ... Then you add some chicken salad sandwiches that an old couple brought in, left over from a fiftieth wedding anniversary and I am set ... Head fed with some stimulating ideas, belly fed with some tasty delight and my mind alert ... an intellect and nous that is capable of conceiving and comprehending depths of mind and spirit that so transcend the norm, and understands that mind spirit and body are not the disjointed, disconnected independent properties of humanity that modern/post-modern thought has dissected and deemed them to be ... But feeling and thought and expression through the body are all one and the same and one human reality ... I think I am I feel I am I make love and I am ... And it is in this state of ecstasy that we join, more than bodies, though our bodies and the physical pleasure we experience together in union, cumming in the heights of orgasm, is our most open giving and receptive noesis ... We give of the depths of our minds and spirit ... hearing and receiving ... willing to accept what is greater than our intellect alone can fathom, and allow these to work in us at levels of consciousness beyond ego and bear the fruit of knowledge and understanding that can only be attributed to what may be conceived as of the divine ... ... trying to maintain an egalitarian ideal resist such things ... But I am learning ... not all minds are equal ... not all ... temperaments are equal ... and not all noble ideals are true ... But there are minds and abilities to comprehend that which is deeper and truer and not always understood for what they are or can be ... 7-2-10 ... And isn't that the natural thing for a man to do? ... To continually make his relationship with the woman he loves the most effectual it can possibly be ... Well ... it seems so to me ... You know ... as I am exploring and rebuilding what life is supposed to be rather than what it is dictated to be from outside sources and convention suited more to social and cultural demands ... Now, that does not mean we do not consider other family ties ... But these are not as dictated by society, but rather who you are and who I are ... You and I what we are to each other is not a social issue or cultural concern ... it is what we decide it is between us ... We ... you and I ... are a society of two ... and our culture is that which is in relation to you and me ... This, I believe, is the essence of what is true spiritual union of a man and a woman ... It is from here in this relationship that all other cultural realities and manifestations find their root and being ... I want this primal relationship with one woman ... no rules except what we discover between us ourselves ... a man being a man, and a woman being a woman ... no religion ... no laws ... no social demands ... And where we must, we do so to please each other, and not anything external to each other. Hmmm ... I think I am starting to think free again ... I like this ... 7-5-10

And I wonder, I know these have meaning and depth of feeling ... but is there truth I am learning to understand that transcends myself and the one I love ... truth of the experience of a man and a woman loving each other that few ever come to understand in their own life's experience or in their experience with the one who would become their most significant other? I ask because what I am feeling and able to comprehend ... is not something I have ever known before ... knowing the love and feeling and desire and drive that is in me for the one I love is to me, as best I can remember, a new thing, and I wonder Have I ever been in love before? ... or is the memory of all that is past erased and/or made such as to be null and void, as I have come to realize what love is knowing her? I am a mature man ... and I remember there were emotional times ... times that might be considered to have driven me to the brink of psychological madness and despair ... But I do not feel these ... they are only a distant occurrences from the past ... I know they happened, but I no longer feel them ... they are history, but feeling is always in the present ... and it is what I feel now that is me, and makes and motivates me ... I do not feel what is past, but what is present. I can think, and consider the past ... and in so doing remember the feelings that were, and even mix them around in my mind as to conjure up what is from the past, and so recreate and dwell on what once was, but these would only be to me my own personal illusion of things that once were but are no more, and so live in the past to the neglect of what is now, and thus fail to learn and grow beyond that which was, and use these to benefit my life in the present. ... ... I do not live in my past, though I do occasionally remember ... but I do not dwell there ... I live in the present ... the now ... But I wonder ... how can the world of interrelatedness between men and women exist apart from such magical mystical experience? ... or are the relationships of most men and women a matter of a shell of the experience? ... empty ... merely the outer actions of sexual relations ... devoid of the transcendent mind into the other ... knowing the other ... captured by each other ... I have come to believe that this experience of the interrelatedness and the capturing of the others minds is not something that is only transient, but can be made lasting, ongoing, and normative to the relationship of the two lovers, but it takes the work and effort and intention of the two ... it must be desired ... it must be a matter of primacy ... a primacy learned ... quite possibly as a matter of experiencing love lost and finding it again ... an unconscious drive steering and directing conscious effort to ensure and guarantee what cannot be artificially manufactured .. I.E. primal love ... beyond sex ... but celebrated uninhibitedly... Philosophers and Prophets I used to think of philosophers as all academics, sitting in their ivory towers, pondering the deeper questions of life and doing with their minds what the rest of us simply do not have the wherewithal to do. But I am learning, and have learned, though this may be the perception that society and culture might like to lead us to accept, what convention might dictate is not necessarily the way it is. Of course if one is quite satisfied having your intellect and thoughts determined before you have the opportunity to exercise your own mental acumen, by all means, cease that evil practice and turn your mind over to whoever or whatever it is that has your best interest at heart, and dont think twice that you have surrendered the gift of god, the channel of reason and innate insight into the depths of divinity, all for the security of conformity to ancient metaphor, archaic and antiquated conceptions true and in its way communicative in its contextual past, but now rendered inadequate to speak to the minds of men understanding a larger world a new paradigm from the one once perceived. God, the divine, speaks to us in language and forms according to our times language evolve, expands knowledge increases the understanding of our world is on a whole much greater than that of our ancient ancestors we now travel the heavens we look to exploring our solar system

the idea of reaching the stars increasingly grows before us as more than fantasy though much mystery remains, the basic components of our corporate conscious reality are being unraveled insight into mind and matter is exploding and we are bridging the gap between what is the mundane and what is the divine And our language, our metaphors, our religion all embracing and incorporating all this new truth is in the process of growing and expanding .. and where it need be changing being re-interpreted to accommodate the things of the world that are, but were at one time hidden Things of the world, that are no less the things of God and this God, this divine character speaks to us in a language and form and metaphor we can understand The beauty of the myth is that it can be reinterpreted it can explain the deeper truths that we now face, but are we willing to allow it to? or are we of a mind that denies what God said he would do for us? And be in us? Is Christ limited to the character of Jesus who lived and died and rose again two thousand years ago? Or is he the divine nature I know in me? I have concluded that if indeed I know him in me, I do not need to seek him out there He is as close as my thoughts and whats more I have discovered he sounds just like me And if I listen and I exercise the gift in me he becomes clearer and I dont have to wonder Is it god I am hearing? I know But philosophers are not those that reside in ivory towers, at least not in their truest sense. It is true this may be the cultural perception we are led to understand, but education and an in depth familiarization and even the pondering of the great thinkers of the past does not make a philosopher. I will be the first to concede wrestling with the questions these ancient thinkers explored is undoubtedly a part of the philosophers adventure, but questions of the past are not the philosophers lot. The questions of today, the issues of mans current experience and dilemma, these are the philosophers field of play. All the questions of the past, to one degree or another have been covered, and regurgitated and chewed on time and again. It is upon these, and many times the re-evaluation of these and rethought with the incorporation of new data that the philosopher reconstitutes a new vision, and not even a new vision, but a contemporary perceptive and hopefully more inclusive understanding into the once held truth of the past. Truth evolving as knowledge and understanding has expanded I.E. As the human consciousness evolves so does our ability to perceive depths of the divine that once were veiled, hidden, a mystery. But this truth is seldom found in ivory towers. Apart from the intimate experience of the common man, it is all academic, and academics alone does very few little good, unless it has been tested under the pressures of life and proved through contemporary experience. This means the philosopher; apart from their living the experience of their philosophy are no philosophers, but theorists speculators and spectators in the game of life. But this should not assume that every philosopher will ponder and reach the same conclusions. But each in their own experience unravels a piece of the overall puzzle, and through our reflection on these varied pieces, we who are willing to consider, may find more of the bigger puzzle picture coming together, and experience a life greater than the one we may have previously been confined to. As concerns revealing life life deeper and more fulfilling than archaic rules and codes once held absolute the prophet, in the context of their own social and devout setting, speaks in another language, though often befuddled, due to its imagery and metaphor confused as literal. Yet the prophet can communicate to their audience, often entrenched in a mud pit of religious anachronisms. The prophets dilemma is to help the receptive see through and wash off the mud. Mud being that which blurs the vision, makes one feel dirty, and if not cleaned up, hardens, and becomes like an adobe shell encasing and inhibiting the full experience of the life that may be. Religion takes many forms and the divine and the acknowledgment of god' have nothing to do with it.

Although religious forms focused on God' are often the most prevalent and in many respects the most evangelical, secular religion is in every respect as narrow and unyielding in its tenacity to adhere to its own perceived absolute conventions. Science, philosophy, and most other disciplines all have their own established orders of accepted thought, dogma and sacred cows. Cutting against the grain or espousing ideas that threaten these are every bit as subject to persecution as any heresy Orthodox religion might pit itself against. The problem is not a religious one, well ... it is ... but it is not exclusively a problem of the religious community ... It is a human nature problem. Once we become indoctrinated into a way of thinking, and the fundamentals (for the most part) seem to be working for us, we allow ourselves to become entrenched and eventually, and in a relatively short period of time, our psychological feet are encased in hardened cement, and our active intellect and mind ceases, frozen, as it were, in time. And besides not desiring to consider or investigate the possibilities of better more inclusive and expansive thought patterns and models, everything seems to be working just fine, whether it actually is or not. We have become comfortable and find no reason to set out on what is perceived as an unnecessary and potentially hazardous experiment into unproved (at least to our liking) territories. Fear of the unknown, even in the face of a much greater hope for life shuts us down ... completely immobilizing us. Making us discontent in our current situation and yet unable to respond to the sound of the piper... Philosophers and Prophets are not so unalike ... and considering the issues of life that each deal with, albeit in different ways, in different language, in reason and metaphor, in metaphysical images, psychological dimensions, spiritual and religious myth, questions of truth, divine and material ... all relating to the all that is our corporate experience, what is it that the Philosopher and Prophet be one and the same ... moving and communicating into this and that sphere of social and cultural understanding, bridging the gap and proving that the mind and spirit of human kind are in fact one ... one in what the whole human is and these manifested in our physical being ... no separation of body, soul and spirit ... the united, whole human being. Free of the fear of the flesh ... embracing the higher visions of human dimension transcending the mundane ... The evolved nature of what humanity is, may become, and desires ... as proved in our ever present longing to aspire for what it is that we know ... know deeper than often admitted ... but desire all the same. The history of philosophers and prophets is not all that unalike. Now ... in our contemporary times ... in these times when civilization would seem to have wrestled control of the majority of our reactions to perceived social threats ... the once insecure status of those who would call themselves, our be called, prophets and philosophers is as secure as any who would call themselves physician, lawyer, merchant or tradesman. The times when prophets and philosophers were threats to the community because of the new and foreign ideas they introduced is now a thing of the past. New knowledge and insight is as pass as any new breakfast cereal ... Maybe I'll try it, probably not ... and if I don't what's the difference? Ideas and possibilities for a better life are hawked around every corner and with every click of the remote control. Pop religion and pop psychology, pop justice and pop reality ... all these pervade and invade and to the bliss of many become the surrogate lives of a society conditioned and fixated to the control mechanisms of those who could, would and do manage and manipulate the resources of the world, including humanity, to their own plan and devise. There is no fear of the prophet and the philosopher ... what's one more kook? ... And as long as the minds of humankind are inundated and kept confused with an overabundance of things to think about, there is no fear of the vast majority ever considering such an extreme idea that they can't think for themselves ... It is all too obvious ... thoughts go through the mind ... it must be thinking ... what else would it be? We are a society that has forgotten how to and are kept ignorant of what it is to actually think ... Our minds are cluttered, always active, never without a thought, and we are too occupied and too into ourselves to consider we are but the products of what the man has been making us.

But philosophers think, and prophets intuit, and in the exercise of their gifts, the divine speaks ... truth once dangerous ... and few listen ... but to those who can ... and do ... change is entertained ... and some receive and understand ... and as these do ... more are infected, influenced and the process continues ... But the philosopher, the prophet speaks from a platform that is not so unalike to those he would communicate to ... he is one of them ... often one with them ... he is not gilded in an ivory tower, supported and promoted by the manufacturers of mass consciousness ... he intuits his own thought ... and speaks his own mind ... and some follow ... learning to use their own minds ... and this is a very dangerous thing ... I was once called dangerous by an Evangelical minister who ran a Christian coffee house in Baltimore Maryland. I wasn't sure how he meant it at the time but I took it as a compliment. I understand better now, and though this is the thing that has kept me in varying degrees of trouble with my past pastors and church elders ... I think for myself ... independently ... That does not mean uncritically or without discernment ... nor without examination or consideration of endorsed doctrine ... but I think and stand true to my own estimations, perceptions and accountings of what I have examined into. These sometimes and often at odds with the conventional line of thinking ... But I have learned, as I have and am continually coming to know myself ... to my own self be true ... be dangerous...