Non compos mentis

CADS (CRICKET) REPORT

Dutch and UK news oddities from both sides of our cod-less pond

JULY

ISSUE 2012

Wanna buy an Olympic opening ceremony ticket?

Pssst!

Im off to the CADs Jubilee Cricket Match on Friday

No thanks!

In this appalling weather?

Ive had a word with the big man upstairs and hes promised oooodles of sunshine.

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources.

See next page for map and directions

CADS CRICKET TOUR

How to find the VRA Cricket ground,
Nieuwe Kalfjeslaan 21B, 1182 AA Amstelveen.

BUS
142, 170, 172, 174, 241, 242, 272, N70 Get off at the Nieuwe Kalfjeslaan, Amstelveen stop.
Walk to ground. See Pink line on map.

CAR
TURN OFF AT THE Nieuwe Kalfjeslaan, Amstelveen
Follow the road to the car parks. See map on left. Walk to ground. See green line on map.

ADDRESS
Venue: VRA Cricket Club, Nieuwe Kalfjeslaan 21B, 1182 AA Amstelveen Date: Friday July 27, 2011, Time: 12:00 noon to 2pm
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www.vra.nl

Oddly Enough Cricket News

Monks storm Test match

December 2003. England are on their way to an nnings and 215 run defeat to Sri Lanka in Colombo. While England's batting crumpled inside the Sinhalese Sports Club ground there was chaos outside. Buddhist monks charged into the ground in protest of the match continuing despite the death of top monk the Venerable Gangodavila Soma Thera (Brian to his friends). England were no doubt hoping that the holy men might bring some spiritual guidance to the their slowly perishing souls as Murali inflicted his own version of death by a thousand cuts.

Robert Croft had just hit his fourth first-class century, when a 200-strong flock of the world's moodiest bird, the Seagull, settled onto the oval looking for some tea of their own. Rumour has it they only flew away when Tony Lewis threatened to tell one of his interminable and ultimately dreadful anecdotes.

Umpire's trousers become sightscreen

We all know that Lasith Malinga is a tricky customer, but back in 2005 in the first Test match against New Zealand he was more tricky than usual, taking nine wickets. Stephen Fleming, however, felt the blame lay not in the bowler's performance or the failure of his top order, but in the trousers of the umpires. Seriously. Fleming claimed that due to Malinga's trademark low action, the ball was being lost in the dark trousers of umpires Bucknor and Hair; thus disadvantaging the batsmen. The umps drew the line and stripping off their keks, but did agree to remove their dark ties. Bucknor went one further by tying a white jumper around his waist as a sort of sight-apron for the distressed batsmen. No matter, Malinga ended the drawn Test with figures of 9-210 and a man of the match award under his arm.
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Seagulls stop play

Sophia Gardens, Cardiff has famously been awarded an Ashes Test for the 2009 drubbing series. We can only hope that there is no repeat of the Hitchcockian scenes that happened at the Glamorgan home in 2003. In the evening session of a match against Somerset,

Corner July Issue 2012 Chairmans

Once again we had an excellent time on the boat trip. The sun shone, there was a short shower to refresh the air, and we were grateful that the roof of the boat slid automatically and effortlessly over us, and back again once the sun reemerged. The wine owed freely, the food was superb, and the Union Jacks uttered bravely in the breeze as we wended our way amongst the canals.

by MIKE
SPEAKERS CORNER

WATERS
Meanwhile, a further 22 serving police, army officers, hospital administrators, nurses and doctors have been arrested by the Met on grounds of corruption by Rupert Murdochs employees, who paid them for confidential information about their jobs and clients. So far your chairman has not been offered any money.

CADS Cricket Lunch live on SkySports

This month, we are not at the Apollo, so please dont turn up to an empty bar! Instead, we have a marquee organised at the international cricket match at the VRA Amsterdam national cricket ground in the Amsterdamse Bos. There we will relax over a good lunch, watching The Netherlands play a CB40 match against Gloucestershire. The luncheon price includes entry to the ground, and those wishing to stay after lunch are welcome to watch the whole match. Please reserve your tickets quickly, as we need to fix the numbers next week. Do feel free to bring guests, and note that CADS summer dress rules are now in force. Live on SkySports The event will be televised by Sky, so you may end up on TV. Perhaps an opportunity to give your Ascot or Henley dresses a second outing?

We have welcomed a number of new and returning members to CADS over the past couple of months, and are currently busy recruiting speakers for next year. If there is a specific person you want to hear from, do let me know.

BANKSTERS
In the UK another banker turned out to have feet of clay. Bob Diamond, the star of Barclays, tried to use the incompetence defence (I didnt know what was happening), and failed even that defence, after one of the politicians asked him how he could claim ignorance of a matter he had testified to a US grand jury about 4 years ago. So hes senile as well as incompetent then. His punishment? Early retirement with another 17+m British pounds of Barclays shareholders and depositors funds, on top of the 150+m he has received from them to date. 4

IM OFF TO: RUSSIA to enjoy the delights of

and

St Petersburg

Moscow

See You!